Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-15-16

Episode Date: August 15, 2016

Bill rambles about supermodels, mootz-ah-rella and Billy Squier.

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living room, they really lie everywhere, riding the empty baths. But now we're going to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. August 15th, 2016. What's going on? How are you?

All freckles. Finished his tour. Finished his tour strong. I did my last two nights, one Cologne, Germany, and then the other Antwerp, Antwerpen. Belgium. Got a frog in my throat here. Just amazing shows. I got to tell you something. I want a special thank you to the people who came out in Germany. I fucking did my Hitler shit, and I thought that they were going to pull back.

They loved it. And I don't mean loved it like, yeah, bring the guy back. They had a great sense of humor about it. And, oh yeah, it was great too. Then all my other shit too was working. It was just a great show. And I learned a lot about the city. Oh, no, you didn't, Bill.

You were there for fucking like 17 hours. I went on their Wikipedia page, Cologne, Germany, and I found out that it was one of the most bombed cities of World War II. So it was this weird thing where it was this really old city, but everything was brand new because the Allies fucking blew everything up. Except for this one church, you know, which I don't understand how it survived. It's got the really tall fucking spires. You know, it was just sitting there. It must have had like Mayweather fucking head movement. I don't know how it avoided it.

I also don't get how like Cologne, Germany somehow got bombed more than Hiroshima or Nagasaki. I mean, they got fucking, is it because it was just one bomb? That really redefined the old right there threat, you know, when you drop a fucking atom bomb on somebody. That is probably the ultimate right there threat where Cologne, Germany was more just like. Do you remember that fight? What the fuck George St. Pierre had where he just kept punching that other guy right in his fucking eye? Jab, jab, jab, and he kept hitting him in the exact same fucking place. That's what we did to Cologne, Germany, where Japan, that was more like an Anderson Silver.

You know, when you're standing there and you think he's going to throw a jab and then he somehow gives you an uppercut with his foot. Is it Bill? Is that what the atomic bomb is like? I don't know. I don't fucking know. Anyway, so the tour finished up strong and I don't hear a lot of people ever saying that they go to Belgium, you know, at least in the States. Jesus Christ, it was fucking incredible. The number one thing that was so fucking cool about Belgium is their beer glasses are the shit. Every fucking beer, it's like it has its own goddamn chalice that it puts it in. And it just, I don't know, just psychologically, it all tastes better.

I bought some chocolates there for my lovely wife and now I'm going to be on vacation here. All right, but fucking, oh, Billy Fadigan is hitting the gym. I did 45 minutes on the elliptical yesterday and then went right into town. It got myself a large pizza that I ate by myself. And he is laughing at me. Then I had a Coca-Cola with that. What else did I have? What else did I? Then I had a fucking gelato.

Calamari. Oh, and I had the calamari. How they said it, right? I'm like, can I get some fried calamari? And the guy goes, calamari. I'm like, yeah, the way you say it. The way you say it sounds great, the way I say it. It's just fucking terrible.

So that's what I had for lunch. So I should have done four hours and 45 minutes on the fucking elliptical. My fucking belly is so goddamn round right now. It's ridiculous. You know what's hilarious? The Italian fellow there that picked me up at the airport. And by pick me up, I'm just mean, he just had a great opening line and I couldn't resist. The taxi guy, he fucking said the funniest shit was saying how hard he was working during the summer.

And he goes, that's why my body goes, it's white like the mozzarella. And I was going, I fucking died laughing because I have been, my legs, I have been called every, every fucking Casper fucking yardsticks, you know, in golf, chalk legs, all this shit. No one ever said your legs are white like the mozzarella. You know what's funny about mozzarella is it's sweaty too. It's all fucking wet and white. It's only redeeming qualities. It tastes so good, but if it just didn't taste good, you'd just be like, that's just a ball of white slime.

And yeah, when I'm on the elliptical, I'm like a big red fucking ball of mozzarella. I said you had legs dipped in flour. Come here. What did you say? Remember when I said you had legs dipped in flour? Yes, I remember all of those. I remember all of them vividly. What are you doing?

Are you going to be on the podcast? You're just going to lay there giggling in the background. Can I do both? No, you know what it was, Nia? You had that little fucking donut. Yeah. That's what puts you down on the mat. I fucking hate donuts.

How do you hate donuts? I like calamari. I like the Margherita pizza. The colors of the Italian flag, Nia. You think that was it? It was so little. It was like, it wasn't even a real size donut. It wasn't even the size of a munchkin from Duncan.

Yeah, it was. It was smaller than that. It was the exact size of that. No. You eat one of those. It was smaller than a munchkin. This is why I don't like donuts. Most of them stink like that one.

That one was not good. I thought it was good. All right. All right. Okay. Hey, fair enough. All right. But you eat one of those and your body just goes,

what the fuck? Yeah. It's the ultimate what the fuck fruit. It's sifting through it. Where's the nourishment? It's nothing. Nia, I'm eating pizza in calamari. Yeah.

You know, even that shit makes sure that the calamari, that was fucking light. Yes, it was. Even though it was bad for you and all that shit, but a fucking donut, at least there's some sort of protein in there, somewhere in there, there's a fucking squid. Is that what it is? Yeah, it's squid.

Squid. Yeah. All right. So once you get past the batter and all that shit in there, there is something that has some sort of nutrition. Eat a fucking donut. It's just like. No, it's all sugar.

And dough. Yeah. Yeah. I eat one of those. I feel like I. I was up early, though, too. I was up earlier than you. So I feel.

Oh, I know. I realize that this whole fucking vacation. I finally get to sleep. I haven't slept in like 10 days. Okay. Because, you know, I was going from country to country. And then I was also drinking like fucking Nick Nolte in 48 hours. Did he drink or he's just sound like a drunk.

So I wasn't getting a lot of sleep. So now I'm catching up on all that. Do you know you said Nick Nolte and I thought Gary Busey. They're interchangeable. Right. But one of them is crazy and the other one isn't. Right. One of them is like normal.

Yeah. But they're like, they look, they really look like each other. Yeah. They got a similar. Which is the same thing. Like the Spider-Man guy and the Hobbit dude look the same to me. Oh, Toby McGuire and Elijah Wood. Yeah.

They're both like petite men, petite brown haired, like blue-eyed boys. That make like fantasy movies. Right. Yeah. To me, they're the same. They're the Nick Nolte and what's his face? Gary Busey. Elijah Wood and Toby McGuire.

All right. Wait, what was the movie we were talking about yesterday? It was one of a hashtag BB's titles. Oh, right. How I met your computer. Oh, that sitcom. Yeah. When I was in Germany, the story about the three nerds and the chick there.

Yeah. You called it how I met your computer. Yeah. But I knew that was wrong. I just kept thinking third rock from the sun. Right. I don't know why. No.

What's the name? There's no number in that show. It's Big Bang Theory. Yeah. But you kept calling. How I met your computer. It's smart. It's all of those.

Because I don't watch any of those sitcoms just because I'm out of the loop with that stuff. I like that show when I watch it, but I just sent you a video of it because I was in Germany and the tallest one of the kids there on Big Bang Theory. Just watching him in a German accent. Oh, Jim Parsons. He's the one that wins all the Emmys. So you like Big Bang Theory? I've never seen a single episode and it's like the biggest show.

It's a Big Bang, Nady. It's a Big Bang. I've not seen a single episode. Well, I don't know. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed watching it in German. So anyway, so Nia's been falling asleep here at like nine o'clock, ten o'clock at night because you're still jet lag.

And then I stay up late. What did you do last night after I fell asleep? I sat outside on the chair and I watched a bunch of Billy Squire videos. I don't know how I got into that, but I was sipping a little Johnny Walker black over there. Over there. And I was thinking, I don't know, I was just watching all these drum videos. I was going down that little fucking rabbit hole there. And I was like, remember that guy that used to play for Billy Squire that kind of had a Bonham-esque feel?

And I couldn't remember his name. And then I looked up. So I had Bobby Chewinock and he was from Brockton, Mass. And he was, you know, just was a fucking monster player. And I remember, you know, he died really young. He was only like 43. I think he had like a heart attack. So I just went to go put that, you know, I wanted to listen to him play.

And then I just was watching this Billy Squire shit like live in Detroit. That guy was such a fucking rock star. It's ridiculous. Like, I don't understand. And everybody always talks. He made this one video and everybody always talks about, he did it in his fucking career. It was like, that thing came out in the fucking 80s. It was so in the 80s, like that nobody noticed.

Most of the videos, most of the videos from that time did not stand the test of time. You know what I mean? But I hate when people try to go like, oh, like in the moment when that video came out, everybody said to hell with Billy Squire. That's not what happened. He just didn't have any more hits after that. But even like, I actually read a quote, Martha Quinn was going, I remember that video came. I don't remember an adverse reaction to it. She goes, I thought it was kind of cute, which is not what you want to say.

But basically now you look at, he's got like this pastel fucking shirt on and he's just sort of stomping around fucking wrecking this apartment. It's really bad. If that's the case, though, wouldn't like most rock videos in the 80s be like ripped to shreds? Oh my God, yeah. Maybe they are. I don't know. They're all horrible. Wait.

Everybody desynchronized fucking dancing, licking your bass, fucking doing the everybody doing that thing like they were fucking eating pussy doing that. Everything Steve Vibe with his fucking double neck guitar and he's sitting there like acting like he's fucking the guitar. What's your favorite? What are you playing? My favorite rock video from the 80s. I have one. It's money for nothing. The animation.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That one. No, no. But that's number two. The first one is Take On Me by A-Ha. But they wore in a rock band. Were they more pop? Were they considered pop?

Yeah. But yeah. Those. In any Robert Palmer video with all the chicks. Take on me. Take on me. Take me on. Take me on.

Oh, baby. Oh, God. Oh, Lord. In any Robert Palmer video with the like the half dozen chicks with the same body type and the black slick black hair, the red lips. And the big titties. I got to be honest with you. That video they those chicks did nothing for me. Everybody was like, oh my God, those chicks are so fucking hot dude.

It was like six of them. They just stand in there. They were all like super models. And they like. Yeah, that's why none of them could play an instrument fucking. I know. They're looking freaks. That was really funny how they all just fake playing instruments.

Yeah. And they had that fucking look on their face like something. They hadn't got enough free drinks that night. I told you, I have major fucking issues with women of that ilk. I did just fucking just. I respect them. You're gorgeous. You know what I mean?

But just like they're fucking the most boring people ever. The worst fucking interviews ever. You get a fucking model just sitting there. They stay fucking stink. They just look good. It's just shut up. We just want to look at you. You're like a fucking lamp that somebody wants to fuck.

But other than that, you're useless. You're a fucking useless person. So I like now I like the fucking who is. I always like the who is. You like the slutty party girls. Yeah, those chicks. Those are the good looking girls you like. Yeah, they look like they were fun.

Like if you showed up with like a 12 of fucking Budweiser's, they'd fucking drink some with you. And someone was going to get a blow job. You watch the fucking Robert Palmer video. It's like nobody's getting their dick sucked here. Yeah, no. These fucking chicks are so up their own asses. They're just they probably all hated each other.

They're too classy for that. They don't want to go to a dive bar with you. Oh, yeah, they're too classy for that until Uncle Terry takes their pictures. Then all of a sudden they get in a 3D look at his salt and pepper fucking pubes coming at him. That fucking creep. Dude, anytime you're up a certain age and you start telling younger women to call you Uncle so and so, and you're not fucking related to him. That's a major.

You know, the reason why I know about him is because you're into the fashion world. He's so disgusting. Yeah, anytime he takes... His photographs are played out. That whole style is played out. What's your theme for this one? All right, it's like you're drugged up, but you really want to fuck this old guy. Do you remember when we went into that bookshop and we saw like the books that he published

before he started getting all this fame for like taking a picture of Jared Leto? It's literally him with his dick and some girl's face and him literally coming on a girl. Like those were his whole books of them. Those were his photographs at first. The only reason why I know who that guy is is because of you. Yeah. Anybody calls himself Uncle is either a fucking pervert or they think everything that they say is fucking amazing. Like Ted Nugent.

Just another tip from your Uncle Ted. I got the whole world figured out. He lives in like a tree fort and he shoots bears with arrows and then all of a sudden... Yeah, and all of a sudden he knows how the world should work. I just don't understand, you know. Isn't he like a big conservative gun nut? Do you need some water? What's going on over there? No, I'm fine.

I'm just clearing my throat. Hold the fucking thing. No, Ted Nugent, I respect anybody that knows how to fucking hunt. Anybody knows how to hunt? Everybody knows guns and shit? I think that's a really cool thing. I feel like he hunts for food or does he kill a bear to put it on his living room floor? Both. I have no idea. You'd have to ask him why he hunts, but I know he knows how to do it.

I think that's a cool thing. He's responsible gun owner. He has a gun. He doesn't go around shooting people. But if you go into his house, he's going to blow your fucking head off. There you go. That totally makes sense to me. But just because I agree with that doesn't mean I need to listen to you in your fucking... Yeah, I'll listen to your thoughts about our foreign policy with fucking whatever you want to do, but if you can't deliver it in this fucking way, that's another tip from your Uncle Bill.

Uncle Bill. I don't know. So anyways, Nia, I was on the internet last night and I was looking up all this Billy Squire stuff. Billy Squire live in Detroit. The fucking guy's guitar playing. Total front man. His interaction with the crowd. He was fucking murdering it. He had this great band and ended up fucking...

Went down this whole fucking thing looking up Bobby Chewinad and there's a book on him and stuff, which of course I ordered on Amazon. It's like 20 bucks. Got the hard cover. And I remember, I used to take drum lessons. I can't remember the name of it, but I used to take it in Brockton. How long have you been taking drum lessons? Well, I took them for like three or four years in the early 90s and then I didn't take them again until last year. Oh no, wait. A little bit when I was in New York, I used to go...

I had a couple teachers at... Jesus Christ, what the fuck was it called? What the fuck is that place called? You were dating? No. Before, right? No, what happened was I started fucking playing and I don't know, I played like three, four years. Then I started taking some lessons and then right around that time I started doing stand-up.

And then stand-up was the thing. The thing that stopped me from being a great drummer, Nia, was time. I didn't have the time and I didn't have the God-given gift. That's a big one. I had to end on the big one. I did not have the gift and I thought if I just kept working, working, working at it, I would somehow work my way into having the gift. Do you see yourself in your seventies doing comedy in Vegas somewhere

and kind of doing like a Don Rickles type of situation. But then maybe you get behind the drums and sort of do like a musical comedy thing. Oh God. But it's charming because you're old. That would be so pathetic. No, but it would be all the music I listened to. Welcome to the jungle. And you're wearing like a tuxedo?

No, and then I'd have all the young hotties singing going, Bill's got fun in games and then they come over and they fucking pat my bald head. Oh, he's so adorable. Nia, I would kill myself. I would jump off the welcome to Vegas sign. I'm saying that now as a 48-year-old. Who knows? Yeah, but don't you see like moving into your seventies, eighties doing like a month or so residency.

We can move to Vegas for a couple months. Nia, this is like the saddest scenario ever. Why? They would pay you a good amount of money. Why is that sad? You think you're going to be going on tour in your seventies? You think you'll be on the road like you are now? No, I think I'm going to save my fucking money so I don't have to.

The only reason I'll be on the fucking road in my seventies is if I still want to be. But I still felt like I had something to say. But you're going to be my fucking eighties. What's up with these computers? I'll still be bitching about the same shit. But I know you. You're going to still want to do comedy. I love making people laugh.

And if I do it on a much smaller scale, I'm fine with that. But I'm not going to make a fucking ass of myself and have some luau themed fucking comedy show. Please tell me you'll drag me off stage before I do that. The day I show up and I'm in drag and I have like the coconuts over my fake titties. Caesar's Palace presents Bill Burr. Oh God, that would be a nightmare. We could live in a suite at Caesar's for like two months and you do your, you know, classic comedy. It's all in jokes from the 2020.

Well, that's the thing. You can't do classic comedy. You can't go out like, I saw Don Rickles and Tony Orlando opened up and he was playing, you know, knock three times on the ceiling. I remember that fucking you like psyched. You're psyched, but like no one's psyched to hear a joke again that they already hurt. They just go away. I can't be like, all right.

I don't know if you remember this, but there was a president a long time ago. He stuck a cigar in the car. And then you just start doing all that. And then, then I do like a medley of styles that all influenced me. I do the Eddie Murphy laugh. The Sam Kinnison yell. The Seinfeld. Why?

You know, as the band plays underneath it. Yeah, exactly. You know, comedy and music have a lot of similarities. There's a rhythm. Isn't it, Johnny? And I'm wearing Hawaiian shirts because I'm crazy. What's, what's he going to say next? Yeah, but you're not going to want to just rest on your laurels even in your seventies.

You're going to still want to go out. So I'm just thinking about, I'm going to rest on my ass. That's white, like the mozzarella. Like the mozzarella. Um, no, I, I, I don't get the concept of retiring. Like if you retire, you're just, then you're just, I would feel useless and I would just be like, I'm going to die in about 10 days. I would be one of those people.

If I retired, I would be dead in a week because I'd just be like, it's over. I'm useless. Why am I still here? And I would go into an unbelievable depression. That's what I mean. So you have to work and, but you have to work in a capacity in which someone wants to see a 70 year old comedian. And the place where people would want to see and pay to see a 70 year old comedian is Las

Vegas. Let's be real. Or you could have like, you know, a few nights run at a theater in New York, maybe, but it's not like you're going to be going to all the comedy clubs like you're doing now, which is fine. Um, yeah, I, I don't know. I don't know. All of that is really frightening.

I can tell you that. I don't mean to frighten you. Um, yeah, well, the end, that's the end of your fucking life. It's just the end. Um, I'll be there with you. Don't worry. Yeah. No, I, I picture my seventies and eighties.

Uh, I definitely am wearing slippers and I just put pots in around the house. Yeah. Yeah. God willing, you know, the house is paid for. I'll still have a nice car. Right. And, um, you can be like half. What do you think half does all day?

He probably putters around the house and it's slippery. Did somebody buy that house? Somebody bought it and then they, he was going to turn it, but he wanted to turn it into something. And so the, the deal didn't work out because I think the thing is you can buy it, but half has to live there until the end of his life. Yeah. That's what's going, I don't know if any, yeah, I think they did an article on that.

Yeah. You gotta, you gotta buy his house. It's for a hundred million dollars and it's a tear down, which means he didn't keep it. How do you not keep it up? You know, it was, he was in the fucking magazine business. He started it in the fifties and who would have known that the internet would come along and all these kids stopped buying magazine, all this free porn and all that. And it just went down the fucking drain.

That's the other thing too, Nia. The lucky thing that I have being a comedian is people always want to laugh. And I think that that's the reason why not only is it survived all of these new technologies, it actually thrives because, you know, what's the main shit that you watch on the, on the internet? You want to fucking laugh or jerk off to something. That's the two big things. And comedy just, it fits.

You know, Joe can be really quick. Guy walks into a bar. He says, blah, blah, blah. The guy says, blah, blah, blah. And done. You get to fucking laugh and these kids with their fucking squirrel-like attention spans. It works. So I don't know how long it'll, or how long it works at this fucking level.

But I don't know. Yeah, all that shit's fucking scary to me. So I just keep, I'm just looking for my next special, Nia. And I got, by the way, I got, I got it worked out. You do? Yeah. I know which ones I'm doing. I know which ones I'm leaving out.

Anyone's that I feel are like going to even remotely be like considered like done before. You know, as much as I like the aborted landing bit that I've been doing, I'm not doing it because at the end of the day it's fucking airplane material. And that'll just be one where I'll just like, I'll just have that one in my back pocket as far as like, if I'm just somewhere one night and I'm sick of my act, I'll just bust that one out again. Although I feel like I told it in every. You can bring it back at Caesars when you're 70. There you go.

It's a timeless joke. Yeah. Dying in a plane crash. I've been at that one. It's just, that one's just a fun one to do and it fucking murders. Everyone can relate to it and everything, but I just kept it in the back of my head. I just kept going like, you know, this is, this is just airplane material. And then one night I went to Flappers.

I'm not going to say who I saw him on stage. And I was just, and he had a joke about an aborted landing. And it, you know, it was, mine was different enough, but it just hit the same points. Right. You know, the steward is not talking the fucking, you know, what's going through your head and all that. And it just was like, and I was going to say something. Hey, I kind of got something like that. But then I was just like, I was just that, you know, I'm not even going to bother with that.

I'm just not going to do it. But on this past tour, when I went through Europe, you know, I broke it out probably 60% of the nights because it kills. And I was also trying to get comfortable. I just have to get a little comfortable over here to forget that I'm not in the United States. Do you feel like protective of certain jokes? Like with that one, you were saying someone had a similar premise. So you're kind of more willing to let it go. But are there certain jokes that you just feel like, you know, you absolutely like, no, this is definitely going in the special.

Not compromise. Not, well, not if I see somebody else doing something like I'm doing. No, I wouldn't do that because then I'm thinking, well, did they put theirs out yet? Or are they going to put theirs out? And I dropped the joke is what I do. Really? Yeah. Even if maybe you came up with it for not saying that this is the case with the airplane one.

But if you feel like if you hear somebody do something about Caitlyn Jenner or something like that. Yeah, like even that one, like as much as much fun as I've been having with that, I don't think I'm doing that one in the special. Oh, really? Yeah. Because I got because I got this other chunk of shit that I can do that's along the same lines. And also I make fun of Caitlyn when I was on Conan. So that's already out there. And then I also feel like it's just kind of it's done.

I just feel like that that subject is I just want them up there when I'm up there when I'm doing the bit as much fun as I'm. The fun that I'm having is is the crowd's reaction to what I'm saying. But, you know, my heart of hearts, I don't have any passion for it anymore. I don't give a shit. She's not in the news anymore. Right. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, that's true.

It was just that one period when, you know, they made that federal case about her fucking where she should pee and what building. And that was just it was just such a layup as far as like, you know, this is your fucking problem. And like, I don't know. We just come back from Asia and shit and just seeing what those people are going through. And then you come here. Yeah. And this fucking millionaire Olympic star is, I don't know. I know she doesn't have a show anymore.

They came to the show. It's kind of like it's done, you know. Yeah, that's true. It's got to be killing him. To not have the show. Jesus Christ. I mean, if you're not interested, you're not interesting after you do something like that. I mean, that's like, that's like, he was boring as Bruce and she's boring.

It's like, it's just not, there's nothing magical that happened now that he's come out as transgender. Like there's nothing, you know, she's still a Republican. He's still living in Malibu. Still boring. It's just not, she looks great, but that was the best part. I love the transgendered Republican. Yeah. I mean, everybody getting mad.

I love how they thought if he got some, if he got some titties, all of a sudden he'd be looking at the world differently. No, she's exactly the same. She just looks different and she's got a great, she's got a great stylist and a great hairstyle and great makeup. That's it. But it's the same person. Nobody watched Keeping Up with the Kardashians to see Bruce.

All right, come on. I mean, the guys had enough pain. He's obviously suffering here. I think Katelyn is fine, actually. I think he's just fine. Oh yeah? She is just fine. Yeah, I think.

Do you think at night, before Katelyn goes to bed, she puts on the Robert Palmer video and does those dances? You know what? I would actually love to see. Oh my God. Oh my God. M.M. Photoshop. M.M. Photoshop.

Please. Will you please make. Oh my God. Yes, will you please make Bill Robert Palmer and then a whole row of Katelyn Jenner. My old Vegas show. In the background playing the instrument. All right, all right. I got to do some advertising here.

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Him or her. What does that mean? Because are they trying to suggest that women actually buy drinks? Yes, we do buy drinks. What are you talking about? No, for men. Yes. You walk up and be like, hey, Staylor, can I get you a Sam Adams?

No, but maybe you're out with a guy and you're just like, hey, let me get this round. And he's like, oh, this girl is cool. Can you just say that again? Hey, let me get this round. One more time. Hey, let me get this round. Wow. You know what?

First of all. I've known you for 12 years. No. I've never heard you say that. That is not true. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Hey, let me get this round. I bought you a drink. Finish your advertising. Yeah, good job. Jump out of that conversation. Very smart. No, I'm not trying to get out of the conversation, but I do recall in our dating days before we were married.

You sound like a fucking politician. I do recall an incident. Nia, do me a favor. I love you. You just walk away. Oh, fuck you. There you go. Right there.

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Oh, bottle, bolt, bolt. Me undies. Me undies. Going up your fucking ass. But do, do, do me undies. Me undies. Try to show the world you got class. If you're in Italy and your dick's hanging out.

Wouldn't it be nice to not have people shout. Put it away. You're scaring the kids. That's why you need me undies. Oh yeah. It's like a bunch of velvet on your taint. All right. Me undies.

Yeah, how about that fucking guy with the fucking, not only the Brazilian cut bathing suit. He had the Brazilian flag on his fucking left butt cheek. And he was just strutting back and forth. When we were in the little fucking claustrophobic fucking fishing village, by the way. It's like you just start, you just walk down this street and it just keeps getting smaller and smaller and smaller. And anyways, it finally opens up when you get down by the ocean. So we went to this pizza place, we're sitting there.

You know, people going by on the boardwalk. How many times did that guy walk by? At least five. Five fucking times. Back and forth, back and forth. Then he found this woman and I'm like, oh, he was looking for her. And then he came walking back two seconds later without her. It was like, what is this guy doing?

He was strutting around like a Brazilian peacock is what he was doing. He was. This little fucking Freddie Mercury underwear on. Hey, Brazilian butt cheek. What are you trying to eat over here? A lot of Speedos. You know, we're in Italy. Ciao.

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I'm not single. So I'm not trying to take my underwear off. Does this excite you? You like the fireworks around my ball bag area? I just have black, gray, or white. Are you bored with my underwear, Nia? You're like, oh, God, same old dick wrapped in the same old package. I need to get some meundies.

All right. Score big. Nia, you know what? You're paying too much for tickets. Between all the markups and last minute's convenience charges. What about those assholes? Somebody sent me a tweet, so they bought tickets, and it was like a $7, and they wrote,

Bill Burr convenience charge. So they put it on me. Yeah, why is it your fault that you're charging? No, no. No, I told my agent they got to take them. Don't fucking put my name on your fuckover charge. I don't get any of that money. Yeah.

And also, what's convenient about it? There's nothing convenient. It's a fuckover. And if it was convenient, they wouldn't charge you. That's like when I was in St. Louis, and they charged me an occupancy tax for the hotel room I was in. But don't they do that with every hotel? I don't think that's a new thing.

I hate that you just said that. Why? But doesn't every rapist fucking take policy without asking for it? That's the same thing. In my world, it is. All right. Score big. You're paying too much for tickets.

Between all the markups and last minute convenience charges. Even printed home fees? That was a question mark with an exclamation point. That's why I went big there. Oh. I was like, what is that reading? Even printed home fees? It's already in the page.

It's already in the page. You end up paying court-side prices for nosebleed seats. Score big is here to change that. Did you know, Dania, this is incredible. I still don't believe this. Tell me. Do you know that 40% of all live event tickets go unsold? 40%, Nia.

It's like with Beyonce. Yeah. Is it Beyonce? Yeah. Beyonce. It's Beyonce. Beyonce. Modal?

Modal. It's Beyonce, but with a B. Okay. Just go easy on Nia. You don't want the B hive coming at you. Fucking nerds. She would walk by all of you in a second. She'd be like, who is that bitch?

Why is she backstage? Unless you paid into her fucking thing and then she'll pretend to like you. That's my gut instinct. Did you know that 40% of all live event tickets go unsold? And did you know that there's a place to get these seats at huge savings? It's called Score Big. Yeah. Like when they had the Super Bowl, Nia, 40% of those tickets go unsold.

Unsold. Why? Everybody wants to go. Thank God there's Score Big. Score Big works directly with your favorite teams and artists. Oh, so they hold back 40% of these fucking tickets. You really never want to have advertisers on this project. Because this is insulting.

40% of tickets of every live event do not go unsold. You fucking assholes. Yeah. If you're going to go see the Bee Gees. Because there's only one left. Leave the Bee Gees and Beyonce out of this. That's like the old, that fucking joke from Larry Sanders. I was going to say they should just call him Bee Gees now.

Because there's just one left. And that was like, remember when Hank said that? When like Ashley, why don't a Jud came on? He introduced her as the Jud. Because she used to be in the Juds. And he's like, stay with the Juds. She's a Jud. You remember that?

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Oh my God. Look at Beyonce. I can almost smell her. Leave Beyonce out of this. For the easiest way, I know. I'm not trying to, Mia. I know she's fierce. For the easiest way to save on tickets,

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Promo code BR. All right. That was the last one. That was the last one. Thank God. Who do you think's better, Mia? Lady Gaga? Beyonce?

Madonna? Or that chick you used to go, whatever the fuck she'd do, and then she played the Flamenco guitar. Can I rank them as opposed to saying who's best? Well, isn't that what you're doing? Are you talking about in a live aspect? I've seen two of those four examples live.

Dude, the chick playing the Flamenco guitar is fucking unbelievable. Charo is amazing. We love Charo. When Madonna plays guitar, she's wearing driving gloves, so she's not even taking it seriously. So she's out.

I've never seen Madonna live. I'd like to. Now Lady Gaga wears a meat dress while she's on a horse. It's a real horse, right? That's not what happened. And then people take their tits up. Now Beyonce...

Beyonce... I've never seen live. She's amazing. Amazing. Amazing. All right. She's like... The only time I see her live

is when she falls down, because the clip shows up on my YouTube. When she's doing that thing, she's whipping her head around. On your YouTube? My YouTube. Whatever, you go on the homepage and it's just like,

well, you watch this slap fight. Right. Here's a frog kicking a fly in the face and then you're like, oh, watch that. And the next thing you know, you're watching frog fly videos. And then somehow it comes...

It always ends up coming back around to when Beyonce fell down the stairs. That's how it works for me. Beyonce... Well, I only saw Beyonce and Gaga in concert. I haven't seen those other two. And I think Beyonce definitely

gave the better concert than Gaga. Nia Renee Hill throwing shade, I believe is what they say. That was not thrown shade. Did you toss it? Did you toss the shade? There was no shade anywhere in that statement. Did you put the shade down

on the pillow like a mint? All right. What else did I want to talk about? Oh, you know what I'm obsessed with? The car over here. I'm in Italy, Nia. What car am I going to be obsessed by? The Ferrari?

No. The Lamborghini? No. Yeah, the Fiat 500 CC. Yeah, you're taking pictures of everyone that you've seen. Two-cylinder fucking engine, motorcycle engine, basically,

and was considered a four-passenger back in the day. And they just took fucking most of the door. I love those little cars. I love smart cars. Those are such cool. That's like when you were a little kid and you had a little fake little car

that your mom had to push you around in. But, you know, she was too sleepy because she was having a bunch of kids. No, the only reason why I smart... The only reason why... You're saying all the obvious things people say about a smart car. The only reason why a smart car stinks

is because there's truck drivers texting. That's why it stinks, because, you know, the car's already half mushed up. But as far as just, like, just a great... You just jump in the fucking car. You can park it anywhere.

Anywhere. I don't know. I like... I can appreciate a Ferrari all the way down to a smart car. You just... I just hate people who look at a smart car and they're just like...

Like, they compare it to, like, a fucking, you know, some sort of race car. You know what I mean? It's like... That's not what it's trying to do. Right? Okay. Whatever.

I like that car. So I like the little Fiat 500 CC. And what I learned on the old ones is you have to do this thing. The technique is called a double clutch. And I was sitting... I've never understood that. And I had to drive a truck one time

on Breaking Bad when I had to pull up in the dump truck and the guy was trying to show me how to do the double clutch thing, which is weird because when you want to upshift, it's like you got to let the thing slow down. The rotation of the engine slow down.

And when you downshift, you actually got to hit the gas and have it speed up, which makes no fucking sense to me. I would think it would be the opposite. So it's fucking me up. So finally I go, dude, why don't I just fucking leave it in gear?

All right? And I'll give it throttle and I'll let out the clutch and I'll just go. You just finally said yes to that. But ever since then, like, I had no idea. But I still have to tell you,

even just driving that dump truck in like first gear for like 10 feet into the shot was one of the coolest things I ever did. Yeah, that's like little kid shit. Like, you know, big giant Tonka truck. Didn't you also have to, like, stand on train tracks

on Breaking Bad? Oh, wait. Are you pretending to be a train conductor? Oh, no. Was that on the train? Yeah. No, we robbed the train. I had to stop the train

so the other guys, I almost said Mr. Pink. Jesse Pinkman and Mr. White robbed it in the back. Right, right, right. That's what it was. Yeah. So the funniest part of that,

the most fun of that scene, other than driving it, was when they were just shooting me and I had to pretend there was a train coming at me and there was no train there. And one of the conductors, one of the actors

was just laughing his ass off because he knew I had to do the scene. And that's just one of the things, there's going to be an entire crew of people watching you, not saying anything. And they go action and you have to, like,

in the middle of nowhere, stand on these train tracks and scream and yell and there's nobody fucking there. They're coming there, yeah. Yeah, there's nobody. But it was a great acting experience because it prepared me

for more shit like that. Yeah. We're so good on Breaking Bad. You would have been good on Breaking Bad. It was the writing. Anybody would have been great on Breaking Bad.

What's that supposed to mean? I mean, like, anybody would be fucking good on it. Yeah, but you were like, you would be great on Breaking Bad. I fucking did a two-episode show on a Netflix series that's premiering next year.

May I point out? I was being fucking modest. When I was like, you were great on Breaking Bad. Yeah, I was, wasn't I? No, you just say thank you. Is it that hard? You are the worst thing

of a compliment to you because you literally have nothing to do. You can't just say thank you. You're always like, hey, well, what are you going to do? I got lucky. You give every response,

but the simplest response is thank you. And you just can't seem to wrap your mind around it. I've seen it happen so many times with people. Oh my God, you're amazing. You're like, hey, well, you know, I just showed up.

Just like to say thank you. It was so hard. Because it's fucking weird. Why is it weird to get a compliment? Oh, Boston. Speaking of which, oh fuck. I forgot. Guess who I ran into?

Guess who I ran into? Guess who I fucking ran into? Oh. So I fucking, I'm in Belgium and I'm going up the stairs and of course my fucking key doesn't work. And I go on this big, long, fucking stupid, fucking technology.

How the fuck is this making fucking easier? Remember you just hit a key? If a cellphone touches a key, the fucking key still works, man. I was just being such a fucking baby. And then it went down there and it turned out I had the wrong key. Because this other key was for something else in there.

But then still it's just like, you know, what the fuck, you know? Just give me one fucking key, you assholes, right? So I turn around and I'm walking and this fucking guy stands up. He's got the 80s rock star fucking hair. He's in great shape. And I just looked at him and I go,

holy shit, I just looked at him. I go, are you Tommy Aldridge? And he goes, yeah. And I was just like, and I literally yelled. I was like, I had normal voice. I go, are you Tommy Aldridge? And he goes, yeah. And then I just go, no way.

In the fucking lobby. I go, no way. And I was like, dude, I got all your DVDs. I was trying to say I actually have his drum instructional fucking, I have it on VHS tape. I have it for the VC. I could see it in his face.

He was just going, oh no, this person's crazy. How am I going to get out of this? And I just stuck my hand out. I just say, hey man, thanks for all you. I said, I just said, thanks for all your great drumming over the years. And as he was walking away, he just said, thanks. That's what just reminded me of that.

Right. Yeah. Simple. Thank you. Keep it moving. So it was actually, I want to say, I mean, I'm prejudiced here. I think it was a good fan interaction with him. Yes.

For him. I didn't ask him for an autograph. No. I just shook his hand. Right. Plus who flips out when they see a drummer? Oh, they're drummers. Right.

Okay. Dude, this guy played with fucking Ozzy. He played in White Snake. He played in like every fucking band that I listened to coming up. White Snake. I always play. What was their big hit? Are they?

Everybody liked Here I Go Again. Yes. No. Going down the only road I've ever known. That's how he sings it now when he went down. It's ever known. He goes up. Oh.

Ever known. What was that? What was that song when we were watching VH1 Classic? I don't believe enough. Keep going. I never have. I never will. You kill the will.

Because that's the way he does it. That was. I don't believe enough. I never have. I never will. Oh, he put so much emotion in it. That was Queen's Rite. Queen's Rite.

Queen's Rite? Yeah. I don't know what that was. It was like. Rite like R-E-I-C-H? Not like the third Rite. I think more like Middle Earth. They were more like.

I don't know. I don't understand science fiction. But I do know this. There was like two types of heavy metal bands. There was like the people who were just like, Hey man, like let's get some booze and fuck some strippers. Right? Like Molly Crue.

There was poison and all of those guys. Not saying, you know, I'm not lumping them all together. I'm just saying there was the party fucking bands. Right. And then there was the ones that were more like into issues. You know what I mean? But it's like, you know. Chernobyl.

Is that a fashionable song? Chernobyl will. I was trying to think of something that. Who sang? Somebody. Awesome sugar on me. Death Leopard. That was Death Leopard.

Yeah. That was Death Leopard when they became a pop band. Who sang? She's my cherry pie. That was, there was another one of the white bands. That was not white snake. It was not. Oh, you mean.

It wasn't white snake. It wasn't white line. Oh, that wasn't what the fuck was their name? She's my cherry pie. Warren. Oh, that was a W. Warren. Warren.

Yeah, but I don't know. Those were the W bands. And then there was, there was Warren. There was Winger. And there was some. White Snake. No, those were all the white bands. White Snake, White Lion, Great White.

It always happens. It's like in the 60s. There was the Beatles, the animals, the fucking rascals. Everything became the, the, the, the, the some, the monkeys. It was all animal names. And then the early 2000s, it was all numbers, right? Late 90s, matchbox, 23, Mary, four. Wait.

So the monkeys. To a phyland. Were they supposed to be a satirized Beatles? What was the deal with the monkeys? They were like a manufactured band, right? Yep. But were they meant to be? And then I saw her face.

And I'm a believer. Left without a trace. Left without my mind. I'm in love. I'm a believer. I couldn't leave her. All right. Sorry.

This is becoming like a slumber party. Let me, let me read the, not everybody's on vacation right now. So this is not going to be cute for long. All right. Here we go. All right. Let me, let's read some questions. Let's get back to the real world.

Where people ask an illiterate comedian for life advice. All right. Rodriguez. Hey Bill, I listened to your podcast and would like your opinion, which I assume you will hit anyways regarding him. He's like the cheating husband that happens to make too much for that cunt to leave him. Why is he a cunt if he's cheating? And he's just trying to be funny to you. It's an expression.

It's a term of endearing. Oh, is that all? It's in term of endearing. I see. No, we're not in fucking England where they just... I don't know if Alex Rodriguez retired. I've seen his name keep popping up. I don't know what happened.

I don't know. Being a Red Sox fan, I'm wondering what your opinion is. I'm not a big baseball fan, so I could give two fucks. So you don't care? You just want my opinion? But Kirby Puckett wasn't such a cunt aside from supposedly raping some chicken or recipe. What are you doing here? Yeah.

He was and still is loved in the door of the Twin Cities. Explain the difference and get your ass here as soon as possible so I can bring someone to see you. I look forward. Thank you. Well, let me see if Alex Rodriguez retired. I really don't have any opinion on A-Rot. After 2004, once the Red Sox won the World Series, I don't give a shit about the Yankees.

It's over. It was the end of the movie. It's the end of the fucking movie. They have 27 championships. We're never going to catch them, but they can't rub it in our face that we haven't won one. Fuckin' three. It's over. You know what I mean?

It was like back to the future. They should have stopped with the first one. They just kept going. Then all of a sudden it was the 1800s. They made two and three at the same time. He and Derek Jeter, I always get confused. They're both Yankees, right? They're both really handsome and they date famous girls.

Right? Well, personally, I always like Tino. Who? It's another fucking person. They're both really handsome. What are you talking about over here? Aren't they? Yeah, he's good looking.

And then Derek Jeter. They're both like Rodriguez is obviously like Latino. Derek Jeter is like biracial or something. They're both like une-colored. Right? You're ruining both of these people for a lot of men right now. All right. What is my opinion on the guy?

Cameron Diaz, one of them dated Mariah. Okay. Let's just move on to the next question. Oh, all right. Sorry. Let's just say, unless you podcast and would like your opinion, which I assume I feel like he's not comfortable in his own skin and he doesn't know what to say. And now that that Derek Jeter, the guy who was totally comfortable in his own skin and

never fucked up is gone, I think he could just sort of fucking chill out and I'm happy for him. He could just kind of fucking, you know, just be a run. Whatever. I hope he has a good season. He plays the Red Sox, but you know, I don't give a fuck. It's over. We won the World Series.

Go fuck yourself. We ran the table. I'm a happy sportsman. All right. Conor McGregor. Conor McGregor. I know he's not Scottish. Stop treating me.

Hey, hey, BillyBlood. Did you hear McGregor talking shit about John Cena? He went on a rant about how he respects the old WWF but doesn't give a shit about the new guys because they're all sissies. He calls Cena a 40-year-old grandmother. And what universe is a 40-year-old a grandmother? I mean, a 40-year-old could be a grandmother, but Jesus. How old is Conor?

Oh, what's great is he's such a badass that he could actually say that about a guy as big as John Cena, who I imagine has a wrestling background. Some of these guys that get into the WWF actually, like Ken Paterra, I remember, was like he won an Olympic gold medal for wrestling. A number of them, like at the collegiate level, like we're champions. So they actually know what the fuck they're doing. So their ground game was pretty good. I would think.

You know? Anyways, he says, I'm sure McGregor could take punches better, but Cena is much stronger. Who do you think would win? And do you think McGregor is a douchebag? Have you talked to Joe Rogan about this? Joe Rogan is a busy man. So I haven't talked to him about what you think about John Cena. Come on, I'm like, I got John Cena is in movies and commercials now anyway.

He's not even like in reality shows, like he's not even like actively fighting. Please just say he's, he's honey colored. Just don't say that at any point. All right. He's not. So I wouldn't. Anya, shouldn't you like go down to the pool or something? Oh, now you want to kick me out of the podcast?

Yeah. Because you turn everything into like, look what's happening now with the gay guy and the fucking old broads with the Botox in their face. What's the name of that show? I don't know. Hi. I'm, I'm fucking, I'm, I'm dressed like I'm from the south and I'm going to make these fucking Jersey broads get mad at each other.

Are you like what Andy Cohen? There you go. Watch what happens live. There you go. Look, look what these bitches are yelling about now. He just stirs them up. He does. He does.

He's like Captain Lou Albano. Um, he calls Cena for you. Is that the one with the rubber bands on his beard? Yeah. Rest in peace. He was at Cindy Lopper's video. He played her dad and the girls just want to have fun video. Sorry.

Neha Hill everybody. Hey, thanks for coming by the podcast. I'll see you. All right. I'm done. No, you're not. Get out. But isn't that question for, I could answer that the next one.

I'll be quiet for the rest of the segment. All right. So what do I think about it? I think he's just being Conor McGregor and that's why you fucking love the guy. He sells fights. He's fucking hilarious. Colin John Cena, 40 year old grandmother's hilarious and I imagine he'll say something funny back and it'll be great.

You know, I don't know. No one Conor McGregor. I don't think he plans out what the fuck he says. I just think he goes up there and he goes off like a comedian that's in the zone. I think he's fucking hilarious. Um, now, and now I got to go find that, uh, I got to go find that clip. All right. Can women go to bachelor parties?

Oh God. What? What? Is this going to become a thing? All right. Hey Billy blue balls. I'd like your advice on a disagreement. My best friend and I are having, he's getting married next fall and we are very close.

We've been great friends since college and we are so close to the so close that him and his fiance just asked me to officiate their wedding. The disagreement is about whether I should be able to go to his bachelor party in Vegas. I'm a woman, but because he's my best friend, I think I should be able to go. He wants the bachelor party to be men only. And I understand this to, to a point, but at the same time, but virtue of how close we are, I think I should be able to go. My friend and I are big friends of your podcast and agreed that if you read this on air, whatever

your advice is, we'll take it. So if you don't think that I, the best female friend should be going to the bachelor party, we'll agree to it. Love the podcast. Hope you come to Boston soon. Thanks. And go fuck yourself. Um, no, you shouldn't because I thought.

I thought this was a guy going to be bitching about his male friend that wanted to bring a woman along. And the first thing I was going to say would be like, I don't agree with that, but at the end of the day, it's this person's bachelor party. It's their wedding. So you just got to, you know, I would just shut up about it, but I would break his balls for the rest of time. Like this is my best friend.

He had a woman at his bachelor party. No, it wasn't a stripper. So I would give the same advice here. This is not your bachelor party. And this is not a time for you to throw a hissy fit and ruin this thing for him. He has the bachelor party the way he wants. I think it's really cool that you guys are best friends and that you're going to, I think it's enough of an honor that he's going to let you speak, you know, as his best man.

I mean, that's pretty fucking amazing. Officiate whatever. Oh, you're going to do the vows. Yeah. He's going to officiate the one. Oh, all right. Yeah. There you go.

That's huge. There you go. There you go. Yes. And I was, do you care what I think? Only if you agree with me. I agree with you. And that's why this relationship works.

I totally agree with you. Okay. My wife, I can understand why she'd want to go because it's like, Hey, I'm your friend. I want to go, but like, yeah, just say what you say. Don't stir her fucking brain up again. All right. You shouldn't go. Yes.

Respect your best friend's wishes and not go because he's going to want to do some shit. Hey, yeah, you don't, you don't act, you don't get extra credit. You don't get extra credit for saying what you already said. All right. Every once in a while to me and I kiss you. All right. My wife is a gremlin.

Hey, Billy bongos, my wife of just over a year is adorable and everybody loves her. Most days she is a hardworking level headed human. I consider myself to have similar characteristics and though and through hard work have become quite successful. Because of this success, we have afforded to become somewhat of a social light couple. We attend several parties and events on a monthly basis. This all sounds like the beginning of boogie nights, doesn't it? And then she starts doing blow next to know she's getting banged in the driveway.

She's sitting there going, what the fuck's going on? That's nothing like boogie nights. We attend. How is that boogie night? I don't know. That's what I'm picturing. Because they're a social light couple, then they're going to get into the cocaine couple thing.

Oh, I think I see where you're going with this. All right. So we attend several parties and events on a monthly basis. Normally all goes well and we go to bed happy and peaceful. But every now and then my adorable wife turns evil. I already pictured her catching him looking at the fucking hotties. You go to a social light party, you're testing the limits of your fucking relationship. That's when he said, they did a bad, bad thing, right?

You're stuck in those fucking eyes, wide shut. That's what you're doing. Yeah, all of those fucking people, they look at women, they're like objects and shit and it's just like, they give the old flick of the eyebrow, meaning, hey, you want to fuck mine and I'll fuck yours? I've never been to one of these parties, but that's what I think. That's what I think goes down. All right.

You want to fuck mine and I'll fuck yours? Well, we both just watch them go down on each other as we discuss stocks. All right. Normally all goes well and we go to bed happy and peaceful. But every now and then my adorable wife turns evil. It's a little like the movie Gremlins. I've narrowed it down. If she's boozed, hungry and tired after midnight, she turns into a class A cunt.

She's mean to me, but what is worth is she says evil things about others to me. The result is I am the only person that gets to see and hear this Gremlin in action and it makes me crazy. It makes me want to buy her a pair of cement shoes and a boat. Kidding, I think. Okay. M&M. So what do I do?

We have talked about it several times the next day with level head, but Gizmo continues to turn from time to time. Do I start carrying granola? I was just going to say, I'd have a sandwich in my back pocket. Do I start carrying granola bars and a five hour energies in my pockets? Like what does that work? Like an EpiPen. What is that?

That's for people who have allergies. For not allergies or do I cut off her booze in general? The lovely knee, I have any input? Bring your A game to Gainesville until then go fuck yourself. Sorry, I was just reading the last little bit he had there. What would I do? I don't know. I would, yeah, I think I would just start bringing snacks and I would start calling

her the Gremlin. What's the word you use? Or just, yeah, just when she starts getting into that zone, just being like, hey, Gizmo, why don't you take it down a notch? Yeah, exactly. I would literally feed her like a rabid dog. You know, if they have a rabid dog ever came running at you, that's what you're supposed to do.

You're supposed to throw a raw steak at him, right? Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Are you just supposed to have a raw steak on you at all times? No, that's a black guy. If you get a black guy, you put a raw steak on you. I thought you said black guy at first. Oh, for a black guy. Like what?

Yeah. A black guy comes at you, you just throw a raw steak. I was like, what the fuck? Black guy. Wouldn't that be great if everybody, if everybody was a meat eater and they liked it rare, then you wouldn't have to cook it. And you just walk around, I'm going to the store and you just had steaks with you. If there was any fucking problems.

Sir, would you like to sign up for this cell phone? You just fucking throw it. They would just run away. Cost you too much money though. All right, I thought there was some comedy there that wasn't. You can't cut off her booze unless you just decide to not go to these events with her. Or make sure you guys have a nice dinner before you go out. I would just break her balls the entire time over there.

Be like, so what do you think? What do you think? What do you turn into Gizmo tonight around 1130 or 1145? Absolutely. Gizmo, Gizmo, look at you going crazy. Your teeth are all pointy now. What's going on with you? All right, one more.

This is becoming long here. How long is it? An hour 12. Here we go. All right. Move back to East Coast. Bill, as your success continues and you become even more financially stable and set for the long term, that is an impossibility.

I don't understand how you get financially because at the end of the day, even if you just take all your money and you stick it in a bank, what those cunts do is at some point they play a little fucky fuck and they loan everything out. I will never forget just watching people with their life savings in there standing outside the bank and there's just a padlock on it. There's really no place that you can put it. Every place you put it, someone's going to put their fucking hands on it. You know what I mean?

You stick it in the stock market, they start investing it. They just like, it's so fucked up, they won't just let you have your money. The only way to do it is if you fucking just cast your check every week and you stuck it in the wall and then you got to worry, did I leave the iron on? Every time you leave or someone gets wind that that's what you're doing. And then you got to have the shotgun bed. Have you ever seen the shotgun bed? No.

It's the greatest fucking bed in the world if you live alone. It's basically, the headboard, you bring your hands back like this as you touch it. The thing flips around like a secret door and a loaded shotgun comes down in your hand. That's a real thing? Yeah. That sounds like me from a movie. It's the fucking shit. But it's the thing, whenever they show the demonstration, the person's in the bed by themselves.

Okay. Because when it comes down, the fucking barrel is going to be pointing at your wife at her head. Yeah. That sounds dangerous. But what you got to do is you got to sleep on the side of the bed. If you're a left-handed shot or a right-hand shot, you got to sit on the side of the bed where if in your panic, you know what I mean? Like if you woke up in the middle of the night and you looked over and there was just this figure standing there

in the door like that horror movie, you know, in the lady, then she turns the lights on, then she turns it off and then it's there. Yeah. Then she turns it on, she turns it off and it moved up like 10 feet and it's like, bitch, leave the fucking lights on. I cannot watch that trailer because that's exactly what I think. I'm like, why do you keep flicking it on? Maybe because you're like, am I seeing what I'm really seeing?

I don't know. When it moves up though, that is the shit. Yeah, it's scary, but I can't deal with that. You know something? I hate people that don't buy into horror movies. I always buy it. I'm like, all right, I get it. Yeah, she's flipping the lights on.

That would never happen in real life. Yeah. Anyways, the only way I can see that you're financially fucking set is you buy a house and you fucking pay it off. All right. Get to the rest of this thing here. You had any thoughts about what point you would have to get to before you moved back to the East Coast?

I know that Nia may not be fond of this and you may not be thinking about it either, but it seems like you would be happier back in... Who the fuck is this idiot? You don't know me. Yeah, you don't know me. You don't know what I like. Boston, New York, et cetera. I'm from Pittsburgh originally and lived in Chicago for a few years and now I'm in

Washington, D.C. area. Never lived on the West Coast, but have visited numerous times. You can't beat the weather in LA, but you can't beat the culture of the East Coast. Would love to hear your thoughts and thank you for keeping us all entertained. Have you been complaining about LA a lot? No, not at all. I love LA. So why does this person seem to think that you'd be happier back in Boston?

Because people... By the time I read the rest of it, I get it. He's just looking at the world through his own eyes. I don't know. Sometimes I think about moving back East, but I mean, I'm doing efforts for family. The show business is out there. And there's fucking great people in LA. There's great food.

There's all this great stuff to do out there. A lot of people shit on LA because when they move out there, they try to make it a show business and they don't... If they don't get anywhere and they pack it in and they leave, all they really met was a bunch of other desperate people that didn't get anywhere. And it can give you a really bad feeling about LA. I've had that experience too the first time I went out there. I was like, fuck LA.

All the real people are on the East Coast. I started having that attitude. But when you go out there, when you break through and you start meeting people, someone like really most talented, generous, cool fucking people I've met have been when I've been out there. And nine times out of 10, if you meet somebody legendary, you quickly realize why they're a fucking legend. And that's because of their attitude.

They've made all this money that's really super successful and they're still genuinely interested in new things and don't feel that they know everything and that type of shit. And I don't know. You can't beat the fucking houses out there are awesome. Yeah, I don't know. You've never once complained about living in LA. If anything, you're like, I love it out here. I love it out here.

Yeah. And I also love New York. I love New York. But if I was ever to move back to New York, at this point, I'd have to live in a house. Once you live in a house, you can't go back to living in a fucking apartment. It traipsing up and down the fucking stairs. And just living in New York, you have no car. You're just like this prisoner of the neighborhood and you're just sitting there dying for new

restaurants to open up. I just remember that. And then you got this little ass fucking kitchen and you're watching like, I used to watch Motomario and I'm like, I'm going to buy one of those. I'm going to buy one of those. And then I had no place to put it and all these pots and pans stacked up. I can't do it. New York City is for young people.

You know, and if you don't believe me, look at the older people that live there and look at their postures and shit. Like, I don't know. I love New York, but I couldn't go. I don't know that I'd want to live there again. Not in the city, at least. Yeah. I just, I feel like that part of my life is over.

Yeah. It was fun in my twenties. Yeah. I roll a bladed on all those avenues. But if we ever went back, I would get a house and I'd just drive into the city. Yeah. And bitch Mona complained about the fucking traffic. Exactly.

I would do that. Like living in the suburbs and Westchester or whatever. I wouldn't mind that. Yeah. I mean, it's a possibility. But I mean, you know, I kind of feel like I'm going to do this cartoon and I'm going to be ready to be like, all right, if this thing goes like, you know, seven, eight seasons, that's it.

What else more? Well, what else more do you need to do? I went out to LA. I got a TV show. We did it for eight seasons. People liked it. I made people laugh. Yeah.

And then what? I would do the sign film. Do the sign. Yeah. Then I do my fucking my my drum solo fucking comedy show. All right. Thank you guys for listening. This is the podcast.

Go fuck yourselves. And I will talk to you a little later in the week when I check in on you. Thank you.