Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-16-21

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

Bill rambles about parenting with tablets, the French marathon runner, and Wendy's....

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday August 17th, no August 16th today's Monday. What's going on? Sorry, I'm up in the fucking attic of this house You know I'm still on vacation here Enjoying myself. I apologize for the echo. There's nothing I could fucking do about it But even if there wasn't an echo wouldn't it wouldn't you complain about something else? You know, wouldn't you be like, oh, you know Good podcast, but what was up with the treble?
Starting point is 00:00:44 All right, first of all You know Anyway, what the fuck do you want from me? All right, I'm not somebody that has a crew I don't have a posse. I don't have an ensembla Or an entourage. I fucking do this shit wherever I could do it. So sometimes it sounds good. Sometimes it doesn't Oh man, you know what I fucking saw today really just annoyed the fucking shit out of me. Oh My god, it just fucking bugged the shit out of me It bugged the shit out of me. Oh did it bug the fucking shit out of me some stupid fucking post
Starting point is 00:01:26 You know where mothers are complaining once again about how they have no fucking help. Jesus fucking Christ Yeah, they're right. They're unbelievable. It's just any way any kid and then they have a kid. They're like, I didn't know it was work I'm so tired You just all fucking slapping each other on the goddamn back about how hard they work and all of this fucking shit You go find that fucking post out there about fathers You know, I want to see that fucking goddamn. I don't know. And if you find it, I'm gonna shit on them, too bunch of fucking babies sitting in a Fucking apartment on a house with a flat-screen TV. You got tablets
Starting point is 00:02:15 You got more goddamn shit to distract your fucking kid with nowadays and this they're fucking complaining more than ever Do we listen to the mother's enough? If They're an open dialogue You know, this is what you know the genius of people that do shit like that is they never really make a statement All they do is just lead these fucking Mouth breathers to it by asking questions. You know, did that song go a little too far? They just put that idea in some dope's head. They go, you know what I think it did it went too far for me
Starting point is 00:02:52 I was raised Methodist or whatever. They're fucking dumbass complaint is Sorry, I just woke up to that. I Just read that and you know, it's one of those things where you want to chime in You want to say something but at the end of the day like most things It's like what's what's the upside? Where's the upside of this if I actually fucking chime in here? There's no fucking upside All right, just let them fucking complain
Starting point is 00:03:20 It has to be really difficult Must be fucking One of the hardest things in the world, you know You might want to watch the world news every once in a while I think you'd feel a little bit better about you know feeding your kid fruit loops You know, I gotta tell you being an actor in a movie is one of the most difficult things ever I mean you show up and you have these things to say that somebody else already wrote So really all you have to do is just stop on a piece of tape and then just say what somebody else wrote, you know
Starting point is 00:03:55 It maybe put a pause in there So it sounds interesting and it makes it look like you're actually thinking you have no idea how mentally taxing that is We as actors Bravity of the way we put our instrument out there to be judged to be criticized and I'm sorry. I don't know a third word for that same thing who gives a fuck Let's talk about the ocean everybody Paul Versey the whole week has been trying to get me to go swimming in the fucking ocean So he does the usual thing about like, you know, you actually have a greater chance of being struck by lightning than you do of
Starting point is 00:04:40 Getting eaten by a shark enjoy the water All right, first of all, who wants to be struck by lightning both of those things are horrible things You know, that's like, you know, you have just as great a chance of getting unwinningly Fucked in the ass as you do is being lit on fire at a firework show and it's I know that stat isn't true But I'm just saying both of those things are horrible All right, if I Really should have thought this through more, but I'm not too far now and I'm not hitting a race Yeah, that whole bullshit you have a greater chance of getting struck by lightning
Starting point is 00:05:15 Then get eaten by a shark is fucking bullshit when it comes to me It isn't because I'm never gonna get struck by lightning because when it's thundering out I go inside Okay, when I step into the ocean I have now walked into the room where all the sharks that ain't it sea world Or some fucking aquarium are at so don't give me that bullshit I have zero percent chance of being struck by lightning. I don't go outside where there's lightning Walking into the ocean Where the sharks are is the same thing as what was lightning out if I put a fucking I don't know some sort of metal hat on it just walked out there
Starting point is 00:06:00 So go fuck yourselves with that not to mention I go out. I don't go in the ocean. I frolic I frolic along the beach That's where I go You know That's where I go takes you back to the the old joke I used to do in my aqua people like you know 90% of shark attacks actually happen in shallow water and these fucking idiots Think you're safer if you're in deep water. It's like dumb dumb. That's where the people are. It's called the beach 90% of people that are in the ocean are at the fucking beach Okay, and then you got the people that like to scuba dive and swim into caves and get certified
Starting point is 00:06:37 You know and break records holding their breath and doing all of that crazies that that's a whole other that's a whole other human All right, those people who watched Aquaman too many times and now they want to go live it Talking to fish Tuna swordfish Yeah, so I go into the fucking ocean Frolicking with my kids, you know having a good time skipping around Zinc oxide on my cute little button nose, right and All of a sudden I feel something nibbling at my foot and I look down. It's like this little fucking crab like the size of my thumb
Starting point is 00:07:19 Coming up like hey, this is my territory so I get my little kick, you know What's you know, I put on a show I make sure the sand at the bottom comes up You know what this guy this fucking thing jumped up in the air Like Jordan and just had its claws out. No, it's like Ralph Machio And your karate kid it just fucking went up in the air like let's do this and I'm just looking at this little shit Like I could just crush you and even you want to fight You know why that that you know why that crab is like that because it knows where it is Okay, it's in the fucking ocean
Starting point is 00:08:00 The thing about the ocean what I love about the ocean that lulls all these fucking These these goddamn Sea lion looking people with their rolls of fucking jelly coming down the fucking beach What I love about these people is these same people wouldn't you know, would you walk into the jungle? barefoot wearing a pair of shorts If there were bears tigers lions, whatever the fuck you were at, right, I guess a bear lives in the forest. I Don't know is that like the suburbs of the jungle? I live in the forest. I just got sick of the jungle too much murder, you know too much crime
Starting point is 00:08:40 Just came out here where the air is a little fresher less hunters Yeah, that's what you do when you go into the ocean you're basically walking into a jungle that's underwater That has a bunch of shit in there that could fucking kill you including the water When you walk into the jungle could can the air kill you? Does the air all of a sudden start moving in a direction that drags you along and you've got to be like, okay? I can't breathe right now. Maybe I'll just need to like sort of swim walk parallel to this until I could fucking breathe again Yeah, so I know you guys enjoy the beach. I'm not saying don't enjoy the beach
Starting point is 00:09:24 I'm just saying stop coming at me with your dumb ass fucking stats All right, I know what I'm dealing with here Jacques Cousteau's kid Got killed by a shark Who knew more about the ocean than Jacques Cousteau nobody so I'm not listening to you and you stupid I googled chances of hey theory chances of shark attack and then you're gonna come at me Hey, hey Bill enjoy the ocean. That's what verse. He says to me enjoy the ocean as if he just debunked all of my fears All of a sudden he's an oceanographer because he talked to the fucking broad in his phone
Starting point is 00:10:06 whatever Haven't said that my my daughter wanted to go in the ocean So I put the floaties on and I finally said fuck it and I went out there and you know, I Had I enjoyed myself, you know, if you're into swimming and dirty water, I don't understand what the problem is Well, like we got pools You could see all the way to the bottom The only chemical in the pool is to help make the water cleaner as opposed to whatever the fuck DuPont put in the Water or the raw sewage that people haven't realized just around the corner that somebody's dumping in there
Starting point is 00:10:40 All right, Bill we get it. You don't like the ocean. I do like the ocean. I also like the jungle. I know I'm not a part of it Actually, is that really true I Guess if you go back to caveman days, I am part of the jungle in the forest Wow, I just figured it out I'm a spineless caveman I'm a caveman that wouldn't have made it back in the day Also, I gotta tell you I'm into those fucking kayaks You know just kind of going around but you got to make sure you get a bigger one
Starting point is 00:11:18 You get one of the small ones. You don't realize it's just for a kid. You just sink down to the bottom but I've been watching people cruising around Just off the coast. I mean that looks better to me Be above the water. Some shark comes over it bites, you know Do you know you have a greater chance of being struck by lightning and a kayak than you do have getting bit by a shark I would disagree because kayaks made out of plastic All right, so's the helmet
Starting point is 00:11:48 All right, what and then the fucking ore is made out of plastic they handles made out of wood I'm doing all the things I need to do to avoid lightning 500 people a year get eaten by show whatever the fuck they said All right, what else can I talk about here? What else can I babble about babble on about in This fucking goddamn attic up here. Did you guys watch that MotoGP race? Out there in Austria Homeland of Arnold Schwarzenegger That's how
Starting point is 00:12:46 All I think every time I listen to MotoGP when it gets exciting is that spam spam spam from fucking Monty Python What a fucking crazy race? Absolutely crazy race Francisco, but yeah Is that how you say his name was leading the race also was leading in points and they're flying around the track and The whole time they're worried that it's gonna start raining All right, and for the most part it's Fabio Quartararo this guy Francisco, but yeah, let me not say his fucking name, right and Mach
Starting point is 00:13:22 Makas and They're going back and forth. I lost count how many times these guys passed each other All right, which is why I like MotoGP the best and then all of a sudden it starts fucking raining out these guys are out there on slicks Doing like fucking, you know anywhere from 150 to 200 miles an hour And then going into turns when they slow down to about I don't know like, you know 70 So There's like five laps to go and all of a sudden it just starts pouring raining and now they have to slow down To like I don't even know what they would do it. I mean, I think they would they were like I
Starting point is 00:14:04 Don't know what's slowing down in MotoGP is I think on a straightaway. They were they were only going like 80 miles an hour And it's pouring rain out with slicks on and they're racing with each other and Finally with three laps to go I Don't know what they help somebody put their hand up. They all put their hand up like fuck it all the leaders We're gonna go in and we're gonna switch bikes And get on a bike that has tires that can deal with the rain, right? And so basically everybody went and everybody followed the leaders because they were going in fuck it will do it too
Starting point is 00:14:37 There's only three laps laps left. So and Valentino Rossi and a couple other guys decided to stay out there So the leaders of the race Go into the pits jump off their bikes To get on the bike that actually has tires for the rain that's out there as Brad Bender and And Valentino Rossi these guys they keep racing and they keep going around and they build up like a fucking Three-quarter of a lap lead with now two and a quarter laps to go
Starting point is 00:15:13 then Marquez Fabio and fucking Fernando get on their bikes. Yeah, Joanne Meir. I think too. Yo ha and however you say his name They jump on their bikes now They start Riding like fucking nine zillion miles an hour trying to catch these these fucking guys on their slicks and at one point They're literally going around They're going around the turds like fucking curly they You know going like
Starting point is 00:15:40 30 miles an hour and these guys are just barreling down the fucking track trying to catch them and The announcers just losing his mind, you know, and it's like And Brad Bender ended up winning the fucking race When in the race and I think he crossed the finish line a motor scooter could have could have passed it, but uh, I Really thought it was a crazy strategy With three laps left. I think the assumption was that everyone was going to go in but go to on Brad Bender for winning the race and
Starting point is 00:16:20 Having the balls to stay out there I'm really exciting race and I'm telling you F1 people. I know F1's great this year I'm not saying don't watch F1 because I've been watching a little bit of it this year. It's been very exciting But like, you know motor GP. I mean yesterday's race was 28 laps and that's actually, you know on the higher end They usually like 23 laps 24 laps it seems and the shit is over in like, you know a little over an hour And there's more passing in one race than you guys get in like half a fucking season. So I'm really trying to sell you on that So anyway, I still been out here enjoying myself I did the
Starting point is 00:17:05 I did the casino down there in Connecticut Foxwood's on Friday night Had a great time. I'm still like the balance of my act is off right now You know, I'm trashing too much shit and I'm not making fun of myself enough So I just there's a certain feeling I get off I get when I get off stage and I do that It was come off stage like yeah You kind of sounded like a moron How about being a little more humble a little more self-deprecating and then when you go off on something else It'll hold a little more weight as opposed to you fucking
Starting point is 00:17:43 You know, I don't know I was a little a little bit in a bad mood because I fucking go down there This guy was driving us down to the gig and we get stuck in like fucking just dead stop traffic And after like, you know 15 minutes of this shit We finally come over the hill and the driver goes look at that. He goes. It's an accident It's not even on this side of the road. Everybody's just slowing down to fucking look at it I'm I just like out of these goddamn rubber-neckers and he's like these goddamn rubber-neckers, right? And then what was hilarious? We pull up along the accident and our driver does the same thing
Starting point is 00:18:26 He totally slows down and becomes part of the problem And I was with club soda Kenny and I'm just hitting this leg pointing at the guy going look at me He's doing it the exact fucking thing. He just bitched about you know It's like when your girlfriend's like, you know, you need to be nicer to me You need to appreciate me and then they they're not nice to you or they don't appreciate you. It was one of those deals I'm sure men do it to two women, you know, I Just haven't dated a guy yet. That's my next move. My next fucking move if this shit doesn't work out
Starting point is 00:19:02 I'm just gonna go gay at that point, you know And just be like, all right What do you know you like fucking sports? Can we at least fucking do that? Anyway, so I've been eating like a fucking animal out here But I've also been going on a lot of walks and frolicking along the beach So I think I've been doing all right with the weight here, but uh, You know, I had some bar pizza this week and I also get you boss in yours Gotta get roast beef sandwich. I
Starting point is 00:19:34 Had a great fucking roast beef sandwich, but I fucking choked. I forgot how to order it I had done in a while and they had this giant menu The lady was all like, what do you want? And I was like Sausage roast beef roast roast beef sandwich And she like looks at me and looks at the menu she's like, yeah, which one do you want and I'm like Sub And now and then I regain my footing how big is a small And I was like, okay, that sounded good and I just fucked up and I was like just lettuce tomato mayo
Starting point is 00:20:09 I forgot to order cheese and I didn't say to toast the butter heat it up. So I was just like fuck It was still delicious though Still delicious. I told you guys last week. I went to a clam chat shack. I got Chinese food I had some bar pizza been trying some different places out here along the fucking coast and I Don't know. I really Kind of love being back here and one of my favorite things that sense of being back here is my MLB package is not working
Starting point is 00:20:43 because the game is blacked out and The place I'm staying doesn't have nessan So I've just been listening to the game on the radio the WEEI network and although I missed most of the fucking Baltimore series because I was working or hanging out with friends and shit and of course they won every game So they've won six of their last 14 games right six and eight in the last 14 I think I saw all eight games
Starting point is 00:21:16 that they That they lost And I missed all six games where they won So at this point, I'm calling jinx. I didn't see all eight games. I probably saw six of the games that they lost So I'm trying to stay away from them because we got the fucking New York Yankees coming to town There are a couple games back, but they've played a few games less than us Chris sale is back, which is huge
Starting point is 00:21:43 For us. So we'll see we'll see what happens You know, you got to have sale in the lineup because then that that's the guy that stops, you know from the losing streak That's how I look at it. Oh, is that how it works bill? Oh, I think it does. I Think it does you got a problem with that? All right, you know, just I just feel like as a mother I just like nobody's helping me What a way to start your day whining on social media, you know, why don't you be a man and do it on a podcast? All right? Oh Oh God I'm so full of shit. All right candid everybody. Let's do a little bit of advertising here
Starting point is 00:22:30 As I've been on dick sporting goods looking up kayaks I'm into it, man It's like being on a magic carpet right above like you could fly in a magic carpet above the jungle And be like look at that lion down there You know, you can't get me up here. That's not true. You know, I'm on notes. I'm on the surface You ever see that shit at the zoo when they build like in a One of those enclosures For like a leopard or a lion and they think that it can't get out and then one day they realized like oh
Starting point is 00:23:05 It can get out. It was just never mad enough to want to get out and somebody goes to the zoo when they start fucking with the thing And you know, once a cat a big cat just decides, you know what? I believe I have to kill you. There is nothing anybody can do unless they're sitting there with a giant fucking gun and they're a good shot Do you ever hear that story those kids were taunting that fucking? Tiger was it in San Francisco? I Don't know what they were saying. I don't know if they were fucking You know If the if the tiger was woke and he didn't like their politics, let's see
Starting point is 00:23:46 Kids taught How do you spell taught you don't spell it like that kids taught tiger San Francisco Tiger that mauled three teens at San Francisco That the tiger get a little teardrop tattoo before they killed it the tiger that mauled three teens at San Francisco zoo appears to have been provoked This was ten years ago a female Siberian tiger Killed in a hail of police gunfighter after fatally mauling a man at the San Francisco zoo on Christmas Day 2007
Starting point is 00:24:31 Likely was provoked into leaping and clawing out of its enclosure a federal investigator said in the documents obtained by the Associated Press First of all, can we just stop for a second? And just realize the story that those police officers have For the rest of their lives, you know when they retire I was a police officer Oh, were you and somebody tries to tell some crazy story. I had this perp You know, he rolled up on it for in the morning stealing a car stereo. That's a fucking 80s thing to do for whatever You know got into a gun battle. Oh, yeah Is that what you did? I took my Glock out and I killed a fucking tiger
Starting point is 00:25:13 After it mauled three people at the zoo. All right, the tiger named Tatiana killed 17 year old I'm not gonna say the person's name and injured his friends Brothers Oh, two brothers that were with them leaving claw marks etched in The asphalt and claw frag fragments in the bushes of its pen claw marks were also discovered near the top of the enclosure Which was lower than federal safety standards dictate showing that the big cat was able to get enough leverage to pull itself out I bet that tiger was working out at night when none of the fucking zookeepers were looking Doing fucking pull-ups in the human flag
Starting point is 00:25:57 It appears the tiger was able to jump from the bottom of the dry moat to the top of the wall and gain enough pressure Over the top to pull herself out over the moat wall With my knowledge of tiger behavior, I cannot imagine a tiger trying to jump out of its enclosure unless it was provoked Yeah, I remember reading about this story and this fucking tiger got out of this thing And there was all these innocent people who didn't do shit to the tiger and they were like, oh my god you know screaming bloody murder and the tiger Ran by all of them
Starting point is 00:26:38 Trying to find this specific kid like this had nothing to do with any of your use alright He came back like fucking like the gun slinger when he walks into the saloon and everybody knows There's gonna be a gunfight and all the regular people that churn butter and just fucking plow the fields behind oxen's I'll stand up slowly and back out of the fucking bar Until it's just the badass loner and the fucking piece of shit that did him wrong That's what happened at that zoo except instead of Clint Eastwood or Charles Bronson It was a tiger
Starting point is 00:27:16 It's fucking ridiculous That they had to kill the tiger. They should have been yelling at those kids. Well, see that's that's why you don't fuck with the tiger All right, sorry Let's get to the advertising here. Shall we all right candid everybody? There's a specialist for just about everything right when your car breaks down you go to a mechanic When there's a problem with your shower you call the plumber when there's a pandemic Sorry, so when you want to use a pandemic you talk to your friend who tells you some shitty red on the internet about lightning and sharks So when you want to get so when you want to get your uneven crooked teeth fixed you see an orthodontist
Starting point is 00:27:55 They're the specialists and that's what sets candid the invisible Comfortable and removable aligners above the rest while poorly reviewed or insanely priced clear aligner companies use general dentists You know, that's like, you know, I got a fucking problem with my ass here and you just go to you go to somebody who just gives physicals It's like I need I need an ass doctor here while poorly reviewed general done candid only works with orthodontist with candid The same orthodontist who created your plan is with you from stack to finish So you never have to wonder how you're doing your treatment is prescribed and closely monitored remotely by a licensed orthodontist who's an expert in tooth movement
Starting point is 00:28:44 You can book an appointment at a candid studio near you Or do everything from the comfort and convenience of your own home You know when they said expert in tooth movement the first person I thought of was Mike Tyson The average candid treatment is just six months You'll start seeing results way before then and it costs thousands less than traditional braces and with your aligner treatment You'll get candid's teeth whitening for free. I mean come on people you're talking about fixing your teeth here You know whitening them up you walk into a bar You see whatever you're into you flash that beautiful smile
Starting point is 00:29:21 Tell a couple of jokes and you're in there Unless you're right near the gorilla enclosure never show your teeth because gorillas take that as aggression You want to give them the old man gummy smile? Candid can help you get the straighter brighter smile. You've always wanted right now. You can save 75 Dollars on your candid starter kit when you get started from home Or you can book an appointment at a candid studio near you go to candid co.com slash Burr and used code Burr That's candid charlie oscar.com slash Burr code Burr take advantage of this limited time offer to save 75 Dollars on your starter kit candid co.com slash Burr code Burr. Oh, look who it is everybody into cheeto
Starting point is 00:30:09 You know the right outfit can bring a special something out of all of us and with Indochino creating your best look yet could be more affordable than you think talk about any special occasion That's that have been postponed over the past year or events that are coming up soon that you're looking forward to. Oh, I Went to a wedding a few weeks ago We had to work around all of that, you know, and I wore a suit and I felt special Indochino it may have been a while since the last time you had an excuse to dress up But whatever that next chance is make the absolute most of it with Indochino Indochino Indochino offers completely custom fitted suits shirts casual wear at them and more at surprisingly affordable prices
Starting point is 00:30:57 Every piece has made your exact measurements and you can customize every detail detail choose everything from your suit About your suit from the fabric lapel monogram and statement linings You can create a suit that fits you and your style perfectly the best part of waking up is Indochino in your closet Indochino start at just three nine and nine with all Customizations included Indochino is open at selected at select Nordstrom stores giving you even Mua ways to get a great fitting personalized clothes and Personalized clothing find your nearest location at Indochino comm right now
Starting point is 00:31:37 You can get $50 off any purchase of $3.99 or more by using code burr at checkout That's $50 off a purchase at 399 at Indochino comm promo code burr India November Delta Oscar Charlie Hotel India November Oscar comm Promo code burr. That's for the pilots who want to wear a nice suit Next time they fly instead of dressing like the guy from the love boat Gavin McLeod Rest in peace man. I'll tell you that guy played such a great Gangster and scumbag and nobody knows that because he put everybody remembers remembers him from Murray and
Starting point is 00:32:20 On on Mary Tyler Moore and captain stewbing on the love boat, but you got to check him out at Peter Gunn He plays a gangster and just is really really just comes off as sinister and then I saw an old episode of the untouchables and He plays, you know a guy running like a gambling site not a gambling site a gambling operation You know back when you couldn't hide behind a website and all of a sudden, you know He gets some guy who double crosses him and all of that shit, you know A lot of people don't know this before Gavin McLeod got on Mary Tyler Moore if you saw him acting He had a really good chance of getting rubbed out every time All right stamps calm everybody this
Starting point is 00:33:05 is showing welcoming signs of a more normal life ahead finally you can get back to enjoying life's little pleasures like Smiling at your neighbor seeing a movie and going to the post office smiling at your neighbor. Good Lord What a great person they think you are huh? Why smile at my neighbors? I do Just smiling at your neighbor kind of comes out a little creepy Saying hello to your neighbor. Hey, how's it going? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you washed your car. It looks great, you know Just sitting there smiling at them The point they start talking like uh
Starting point is 00:33:44 Hey there see you behind the bushes. Hi Sorry, okay Some parts of normal life aren't so great, but with stamps calm you could skip to the post office You go, sorry we you can skip trips to the post office and save on postage You've heard me talk about stamps calm They've been sponsoring the show for over nine years now and if you haven't tried it the hell are you waiting for? You can wait a whole decade go by They make it easy for small businesses to mail and ship without needing to take a trip to the post office
Starting point is 00:34:19 They offer deals you can't get anywhere else like up to 40% off USPS and up to 66% off UPS shipping rates Fuck I think it's dusty in here And with their switch and save feature you can quickly compare carriers to find the best rates every time stop wasting time going to the post office And go to stamps calm instead You silly goose there's no risk and with promo code bar You can get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps calm
Starting point is 00:34:56 Click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in burr. B. You are that stamps calm promo code burr All right, dear professor, we got all the questions here everybody's giving me shit Saying that that fucking guy that said you can't tell a joke at school was trolling me And it's just like well, that's one of the most easiest things to do You know, I don't read You know I Hang out by myself. I'm very gullible. You know if that makes you feel like a bigger person if that's the way you get your fun
Starting point is 00:35:31 All right French runner Bill did you see this French cunt at the Olympics? I love French cunts I'm a part French cunt He's a marathon runner knocked over all the water on the table so no one after him could get a sip Oh, wow Wow, I did not see that that is amazing Sorry, I was so enamored watching they get wow he knocked them all down and then just grab the look. Oh They're in water bottles
Starting point is 00:36:15 That is amazing hey, what's up, buddy? You're being too loud am I being too loud why it came up to the top of the house so I wouldn't be loud Am I saying the bad words Okay, well maybe go down okay, I'm sorry I'm almost done here can you close the door I thought I closed the door Is that conversation she just walked out of me? That's hilarious And you know what's great about that is they'll now be a new rule saying you can't do that and it'll be named after him Well, you know to quote the Tampa Bay Lightning fans it dude, it's legal
Starting point is 00:37:11 It's nothing against it unless the Patriots do it then it's fucking cheating. That's one of those things If somebody with a Patriots logo did that they would be a massive suspension But if anybody else does it, it's just like it's a little gamesmanship I think it's fucking hilarious Because there is nothing to say that you can't fucking do that And I would love to hear his excuse. I was so tired. I was hallucinating I just reached out and it took me a second to register that I was touching water bottles Specifically 24 of them in a row, but on the 25th and last one
Starting point is 00:37:49 I realized I was actually touching a water bottle and it was an illusion at which point my hand closed and I was able to pick it up. I Apologize my heart goes out to the other racers I think that's fucking hilarious. All right, Wendy's story slander Hello, Billy Dave's double tits Greetings from Dallas while I was driving into work. I was listening to your podcast where you're talking about your guilty outing to Wendy Oh Wendy's this is who you're talking about. I think you said like trash some woman named Wendy. Wendy You planted the idea into my head Of what going to Wendy's so that while I work tirelessly through my morning as an electrical engineer
Starting point is 00:38:31 First of all, can we all just stop and just thank this person for how brave they are in what a warrior they are that They're out there making sure people have their lights on and Their cable TV so that they can watch the next episode of Down Under I fantasize about the unhealthy mess of a burger that Wendy's could cook up to clog my art arteries Come lunchtime. I ditched the salad that I packed and drove to the Wendy's down the road. Oh, man I did this to you. You should have had the salad
Starting point is 00:39:07 Sorry, the first thing I noted that was off with your story was that Wendy's That the Wendy's that I went to had Coke products on their menu pleasant surprise to me Well the one I went to had a Pepsi However, I didn't want any of your potential listeners to deter Wendy's from any profits due to the expectation of Pepsi products Granted that this might be a Texas Wendy's versus California Wendy's thing. I took a picture of the menu Okay, so do I got to match you with the thing? I mean, whatever it was it tasted like shit So when it tastes like shit, I think that's a Pepsi. I Might have been wrong. Who knows who knows on the subject of the menu. You also complained
Starting point is 00:39:55 Was I complaining or trying to make you laugh? No, I resent I resent that word. Okay, you know what? I'm not accepting that All right, I was complaining you're right that it was hard to find the plain burger meals on the contrary The classic burgers were literally the number one meal I'm taking a picture of it Great now my kids gonna yell at me. You fucking cunt you fucking self-centered You're just as fucking self-centered as I am you went to one many Wendy's in the middle of Texas And then you immediately assume that this is what all fucking Wendy's like
Starting point is 00:40:30 I Believe people who went to Wendy's I Am a survivor and why are you not listening to my fucking story? You're not validating it On the contrary the classic burgers were literally the number one meal on the menu Well on mine if you wanted the classic ones it was just written in like they had a picture of all their new ones And out of mine. It was just it was just written Like it would just say single cheeseburger double cheeseburger Triple cheeseburger and it was just all in plain black font that was a subset of a picture of a different burger like the
Starting point is 00:41:13 What the the ostentatious whatever the fuck they called it dumbass burgers the son of the the son of the motherfucker burger Whatever they call it on the contrary the classic burger were literally the number one meal on the menu I'm sure this is just the senile old bird talking and complaining how things aren't how they used to be and yelling at kids to stay off His law No, it isn't you just went to a different Wendy's Okay, you live in Texas Backward-ass, Texas All right, you guys are behind the fucking curb. I live in fucking LA
Starting point is 00:41:49 Let me ask you this did it say how much all the calories were because that's what mine said Listen buddy, it's a corporation Okay, and in each area they're gonna find different things sell due to the demographic Due to the level of education that's out there in the public schools All right, you go out to LA everybody's on the fucking keto this diet this beach diet and that beach diet But they know you're still gonna go to Wendy's so what they do is they go? Oh, this is this is bourbon bad Are they try to make it seem more fucking healthy? All right, so I think that that's what's going on here before you start questioning my mental stability. I
Starting point is 00:42:30 Know I can't read but I you know I can fucking read a fast-food menu All right, I'm gonna take a picture of that buddy. All right, cuz you know what's funny is you have I don't see a picture of yours Men you at least here. There's a giant question mark. Is that where the picture was and it didn't download. I don't know Okay, here we go on the subject in menu also complain. Okay, wait another important note Listen to this guy title. I think he's made an important note If you had gotten a medium meal instead of a large fat-ass meal You would have gotten your drink in a cup on a paper cup instead of the gigantic Dolphin murdering plastic cup
Starting point is 00:43:14 Oh, is that our works all right Was it like nobody in line behind you in your moment of gluttonous weakness you fucked over some fish Which is going to swim into your giant-sized Wendy's plastic cup and die when the cup ends up in the ocean Yeah way more than one fish it's gonna be out there for a thousand years Now that I ate this double meal I feel like death and feel that I need to run 20 miles to make up for the supposed 1500 calories that were in this meal. Oh, so they had the calories listed out there All right. Well, you know something you fucking
Starting point is 00:43:50 fast-food eating cunt I Understand that a lot of that was the grease the reason why you came at me and I also understand you break in my balls But dude, I'm telling you. Let me just look like I look it up now I Here we go our fast food chain Menus different in It says in Florida in the Philippines in Hawaii All right, what do I do here?
Starting point is 00:44:24 different How do you spell difference different states fast food chains adapt to local taste There you go, buddy. All right, dum-dum Well, I'm out here in Texas. I can tell you right now. They got the single they got the double they got the triple It's the first fucking one. Yeah, that's because you guys still think the fucking world is flat They know you're not fucking progressing out there. So they go with their old fucking menu I'm reading the New Testament out here. That's got lettuce wrapped horseshit and giant fucking pepsis. All right
Starting point is 00:45:04 I'll meet you in fucking Arizona. We can look at the Wendy's out there. All right cancel culture of the past Hey, Billy Redbeard by the way that information came from CNN.com. So, you know, who knows? All right, there's reliable as the Fox guys there. I said it to both of them So now they can fucking shut up cancel culture of the past. Hey, Billy Redbeard longtime listener first-time writer So I was listening to an episode of the podcast where the guest starts talking about cancel culture of the 60s in regards to McCarthyism and the Red Scare my dumb ass thought that was in the 50s I guess the guy saw a twilight zone episode and addressed it guy concludes that if cancel culture was here 60 years ago It's never going away. Do people not realize that this shit has always been here?
Starting point is 00:45:54 Yeah, people realize that there's always been people trying to end people's career But in the past it was always people with power You know, they achieve something they got to a certain level and then they abuse their power You know back in the day the head of a studio could end some nobody's fucking career in a heartbeat Right, but now the tape I don't think ever in history somebody that never accomplished anything nobody's ever heard of Can end the career of a multi-millionaire? Who has a fucking house with an infinity pool? I mean that you got to admit that's new, right? You know what I mean, and I know that kings have been taken out of power
Starting point is 00:46:38 But like bloodshed happened if you're gonna compare like fucking storming a castle By the serfs or whatever during medieval times to moving your thumbs and hitting send on Twitter Like that's the same thing. I don't know. I think it's pretty amazing Type of thing and as always what you see is that rich people are not evil They're just regular people with money That's all it is that whole fucking thing where they try to make oh, you know You know white people are evil the blue-eyed devil and all that it's like no white people are you with unchecked power When people have unchecked power
Starting point is 00:47:23 Regardless all of this if women ran the world now them to everybody Everybody with unchecked power for the most part You know, it's very rare that you get a Jimmy Carter Very fucking rare It's somebody that actually has empathy and is a caring human being and I love to this day that people still like yeah But the guy wasn't a good president. It's like that's because all of those evil sociopaths wouldn't work with the guy How many presidents I mean the guys he's out, you know, they all just fucking buy mansions
Starting point is 00:48:00 And go to fucking Martha's vineyard. This guy is like in his 90s. He's still built building houses for homeless people When in like Nobel Peace Prize is after he was in the White House, I mean the proofs in the pudding this very a very rare person Unfortunately, and if we just I think I believe that if you know male female gales gays gale gay straight Whatever if you could get more people like that in power And have them all working with each other I think we'd be in a lot better position as opposed to just you know looking at ties in the colors of them or whatever Anyway, do people not realize that this shit has always been here?
Starting point is 00:48:42 Just in recent memory everything from McCarthy isn't targeting targeting imaginary legions of communists to Anita Bryant Trying to get every homosexual working in the public sector fired Yes, but she's in a position of power, right? To the satanic panic of the 80s trying to ban Dungeon and Dragons Yes, but all this is the difference though This is the difference with all of that is those all were organizations that had power. I Mean the PM RC was Al Gore's wife
Starting point is 00:49:21 Tipper Gore, so he at that point was like a fucking. I don't know what congressman or a senator. They had power They had a microphone. They had a platform Nowadays it can just be like, you know Somebody that cleans a hotel room And if the person in staying in the penthouse is a fucking asshole and they get it on video That guy lose a him or her loses their career that this is a whole new phenomenon and Then you combine you combine that with
Starting point is 00:49:58 The abuse of that power which then when the trial is now on the internet Where there's there's no rules of libel or slander and you can really just say whatever the fuck you want to say Which used to be just the world of Powerful people with money that they could you know They could set the narrative now all regular people can do it No, I think this is like a new thing and
Starting point is 00:50:31 I don't think that like what was happening with Lenny Bruce is The same thing is what's happening to say comedians today where it then goes into their private life You know you you know you could always get in trouble for shit that you said on stage Absolutely, but it's just like, you know, he came into the Hooters and You know, I just felt he was toxic and blah blah blah, but then all of a sudden you lose your agent. I know this is like a whole like I Don't know That's like only you know, there's always been music
Starting point is 00:51:07 Sebastian, but you know, you know when that's a bastard fuck whatever the fucking real guy classical music and trying to compare that to you know People have always gone to concerts and been a little crazy people used to go to classical things and then comparing that to people going To like raves and dying and shit like shit is you know can progress. That was a bad example Fuck that the music one. I'll just say it I don't think that we've been like In a world where Made up non-events about individuals who are telling shit jokes and strip malls
Starting point is 00:51:49 Can be the lead stories on Late-night news that is allegedly news that isn't news You know my whole time growing up. I mean comedians. I never saw George Carlin as a lead story Like I mean I when Richard Pryor like lit himself on fire and ran down the fucking street. Yeah But you know when he fucking was shooting up his cars, I didn't hear it I mean, I guess I wasn't watching the news back then, but I just don't think it's I Understand what you're saying if you're basically saying that since The beginning of time people have tried to take out people without a doubt they have they absolutely have but like
Starting point is 00:52:39 This this thing I don't know I just I think it is is morphed in I guess the musical type of thing It's just like you know jazz was big and now rock and roll is big. You know, yeah, you know, it's all music It's all the same thing. It's like, okay. Yeah, I'll go with you on that level, but there's definitely a I find it disturbing that people now do what like these 24-hour news networks do where
Starting point is 00:53:07 They'll put a headline on a video that's misleading and they'll also Edit it in a way where it's just like you literally are like your own news network right now You are trying to control the narrative of these stories and the fact that You know every single person for the most part has a cell phone with a camera and In video abilities and then they can upload whatever they shot You know and and they decide when they can begin it when they can end it. I Just know there's never been a time like this There hasn't been
Starting point is 00:53:54 So I I Disagree with what you're saying. I would say there's always been people trying to destroy people But with the technology that is available now For anybody to do it. I think this is a new level. How about that? How about we agree that there's a new level? Anyways, there was a congressional hearing where rock stars and rappers had to go before government committees like some trial of Socrates shit to prove that they weren't corrupting the American youth with their damn devil music This shit never leaves. Yeah, but that's the government It's always been there. It always will be here. It doesn't ebb and flow. It just changes targets. No
Starting point is 00:54:36 no Sometimes its target is far enough away from me personally that we can pretend we don't see it happening stop saying we This is your point stop acting like everybody agrees with you I I 100% disagree with you that this cancel culture thing is not some new thing You know it's it's Been ramped up like I said back in the day you had to get into a position of power and you had to know enough people To control the narrative Of of what you wanted to have happen. You had to pay people off. You had to do all of that shit
Starting point is 00:55:17 Now like somebody, you know, you know in some ways it's good because you know if someone's actually doing something And they are super powerful. It gives people who aren't powerful a voice that aspect of it is good but with that power comes the abuse of it and you know a lot of the shit that you see out there, so I Disagree with what I agree that that people have always been trying to take out people but back in the day for the most part it was it was powerful people doing it and
Starting point is 00:55:54 Everybody walking down the street didn't have the ability to create their own news story With their own thoughts and their own video and their own like clips I mean look at that little fucking clickbait and all of that shit that they have out there that just regular regular people do that now Because they know what plays and they know what they have to say To get people to click on it so they can get click on it so they can get eyeballs so they get people to advertise like There's never been a time in history where every person walking down the street is thinking like they're running their own TV network and Then you combine that with how most people cannot handle positions of power and you have this shit show that is going on right now Which I think
Starting point is 00:56:45 That it's as the similar thing from back then was it's always just been a distraction From what's really going on what you really should be say paying attention to You know who actually has the money who really is running things what direction are we really going in how politicians are all kind of paid off They're deliberately underpaid so they owe people favors That whole fucking horse shit where you can attach all those things to bills So horrific things get attached to things that people want and then we don't have we don't get a right to vote on a lot of those All of that bullshit. I Don't know. I disagree with you. I respect your opinion. There you go. Please don't cancel me. All right angels of Fenway
Starting point is 00:57:31 Hey saggy tits I Just listened to the latest episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and since you got Sentimental about being back in Boston and sitting by the ocean. I thought I'd send you a song recommendation You probably know this but in case you don't check out James Taylor's Angels of Fenway I don't know this would be interesting to hear what you think. I heard you making fun of James Taylor a few times I Made fun I make fun dude. I did so much shit. I make fun of that. I actually like Okay You know, I like the carpenters, but you know
Starting point is 00:58:12 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down I'm gonna make fun of that song, but I also and when I hear it I go back to riding in the back of a station wagon in the 70s. So there's part of me that likes it. I like James Taylor I also like making fun of him I also like that blacktop movie that he made whatever the fuck it was called. I forget aren't so anyway So you open up a diet fan. So open up a diet fan Sit down by the ocean and give it a listen. Love your comedy and podcast Please keep doing what you're doing all the best from Germany
Starting point is 00:58:48 That's pretty random somebody from Germany would know all of that stuff. Maybe it's a military guy there You mean one of the troops One of the heroes See, let's listen to James Taylor Angels of Fenway, I can already tell you right now I'm already getting uncomfortable just with the name of it, but that has to do with me and my childhood more more than James Taylor angels of Fenway, oh
Starting point is 00:59:16 boy No, boy, here we go. Let's see how far into the song I can get Wait a minute, did he write this for the red Okay, okay, okay, that is the Red Sox Version of like those 9-eleven songs That all those country guys wrote, you know what I mean? I'm Uncle Sam's gonna put a boot in your ass Now I'm not saying that the person who wrote that song's heart wasn't in the right place but to you know To just sort of capitalize on that and I know you donated the money to the fucking
Starting point is 01:00:07 Ambulance drivers and the firefighters and all that shit but you also got your big mug put right in the middle of the fucking footage in Country music stars responding to the horrors that we saw last week. This is fucking whatever You know fucking Colt McRanch face his fucking Terrorism fan, we don't like it
Starting point is 01:00:34 American flag Sing it with me Put down your Friday Sorry You know that tragedy it happened to all of us and everybody has a right to react You can be silent you can use your voice you can be creative It's okay to be angry
Starting point is 01:01:05 It's okay to cry Never hear people say stuff like that. I just think to them like How fucked up are you? That's a good question. I want to ask on a scale of one to ten emotionally. How fucked up are you? That you feel that you need to take care of the world and Your ego is telling you that you have the ability to do it What happened to you? How much were you beaten down as a child that your ego now tells you like I need to speak on this I
Starting point is 01:01:41 Need to say something And when I say something I'm gonna say something that's already been said And I'll just combine it Be brave Be courageous Be original not really just say the things that you say Thoughts and prayers with the families During this difficult time
Starting point is 01:02:11 People if you need help know that there's help out there I love people have this literally sound bites to say When somebody kills themselves when there's a tragedy You know, it's like you didn't even take enough time to write something original a A stitch in time saves nine Hold your children a little closer tonight Just like You're going with stock lines
Starting point is 01:02:43 Well, what about this tragedy said to you that it wasn't unique enough or painful enough for you to come up with something original? I'm being a douche this week. All right, everybody That is the podcast go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. I'm gonna fucking Hang out and watch the fucking Yankees and Red Sox they got a double-headed tomorrow and And then he got Wednesday. Oh, and I got a big special guest For the Thursday afternoon just before Friday money morning podcast that in show business is known as a effing No, Jesus. That's why I said effing wait. It's known as a teaser. All right, that's the podcast everybody. All right, stay safe
Starting point is 01:03:33 help each other Pour some ice over your head Do the things that you need to do that you'd want to be done to others if they were you while you were being brave and You know looking up at the sky and just being present, okay, I'll see you

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.