Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-17-15

Episode Date: August 17, 2015

Bill rambles about museums, naming a kid Birdie and ole Anthony Monsanto.

Hey, what's going on, it's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, August 17th, 2015. Why don't I just say 17th, like something major happened, you know, on this day. And this day, 200 years ago, Christopher Columbus had juckish itch, which was fatal, back on the 17th. How the fuck would he still be alive, Bill? He probably died of scurvy in the, see 1492, we came over here and hacked off the fucking Native Americans hands, you know, probably an unprotected sex, introduced some sort of,

I don't know, I don't know what genetic genitalia scabies, is that how you say it? I don't know people, this has got to be a record. How quickly did this 53 seconds in and it just went right off the fucking rails? This podcast is over. Jesus Christ, August 17th, just the way I said that, 17th, and I got all panicky, like why did I say it like something important happened? And then that fucking debacle happened. Anyways, what's going on, how are you?

It's the 17th day of August in the year of our Lord, 2015. This is the year of the cockatoo, I believe, on the Chinese calendar. They have cockatoos over there? I don't know, I've been to Hong Kong, I didn't see any, I was only there for a day. Anyways, so, oh Billy Fat Tits, the fucking pasty Avenger, I've been on a tear here and as I told you last week, I fucked up my knee, my knee, I fucked the thing up, skip and rope, and I guess my fucking leg muscles got all tight and it started yanking my old ass knee in the wrong direction and I started just hobbling out to the car, tippy towing

down the street, into the bathroom, take that old man piss in the middle of the night, just wake up from a dream, what do you dream about at my age? Going to a farmer's market, they still have tomatoes left, that's a dream to me, I wake up aroused when I have that dream, it's a sad fucking case, but anyways, so I stretched out and did all that shit, but still I kind of fucked up on my diet a couple days, my wife was asking, hey, why don't we hang out and go do something, so we went to a museum and I fucking hate museums, I absolutely fucking hate, I've told you about this before, I hate museums with a fucking passion, hate how quiet it is in there, I hate people standing, reading

that little card next to that fucking painting that I swear to God, it's like I did something like that when I was five, see, you know, can't somebody just go back to paint in a cow in a field, you know what I mean, does everything just have to be like just a smearing of colors all, what the fuck, these people are so dumb, they're sitting there staring at it, acting like they see something, what are you looking at? That's a light blue, that's a darker blue and there's an even darker blue on that big square fucking canvas, I get it, he took different shades of blue, what does it say, it says nothing, it says the guy knows how to color in a fucking square, I knew how to do that,

and this guy a long time ago he explained it to me, he goes well the difference is, because I'd be like a little kid could fucking do that, and he goes the difference is a little kid can't draw an amazing picture, like these people that make these abstract things can't, they're choosing, they're choosing to create that way, it's like choosing to do what, fucking draw like a five year old, so like I know how to talk like an adult sort of, if I go on stage and start telling jokes like a five year old, all of a sudden I'm, I should be in a museum telling my jokes, knock knock, come on you're supposed to say who's there, I'm gonna stand in the corner, all of a sudden I'm comedy's Picasso, I don't know whatever,

but we went there and she actually wanted to go see this short film, that this guy made, I don't know who the fuck, I can't remember anybody's fucking name, but it was about LA, and growing up in LA, and down in Compton and everything like that, and I love anything that is not a messy fucking painting, and it's also like history of Los Angeles, because there's so little history of it, they just fucking, like I said before in the park, they just pay right over the shit, you know, Robert Kennedy got assassinated down the fucking ambassador to a hotel, that thing would have been a shrine in any other city, this city fucking knocked it down, put up a school on top of it, you know what I mean, somewhere in the cafeteria there's like an X on the floor

where the guy fucking bled out, I mean it's unbelievable, they just don't give a fuck, do you know they had one of the biggest acts of fucking terrorism as far as blowing up a building and then collapsing happened here in LA, before 9-11 the biggest one was when somebody blew up the fucking, the LA Times building, the original one, and I've been all over the internet and I've walked all over downtown LA, I can't find a fucking plaque or information anyway, it's fine, fucking, they just plowed it over with a couple of oxen and then that's it, now they just, you know, they got the fucking, the little white obelisk or decoy thing looking there, acting like that's the only place they ever were, like that the fucking thing didn't get blown up in the middle

of the night, so anyways that's what the fuck am I talking about, that's all, so when we went there this guy had all this, this footage, you know, from basically like the Rodney King era right up until now, I love that shit, seeing the old cars, you know, back to the early 90s and everybody wanted a fucking Nissan Maxima, like that was the goddamn car, right, I just, there's little details like that and then seeing, you know, the beginnings of everybody fucking having an Impala lowrider, now that's almost like hacky at this point, if you actually have an Impala lowrider with the fucking wire rims, it's just like everybody's seen that, you know, it's like owning a Mustang or a 69 fucking Camaro, everybody, you've seen a million of them, so anyway, so we went down,

we watched that and then she took me to this place around the fucking corner, which was a German place that sold all these different kinds of like brats and sausages and fucking sick ass french fries like your mom made, I mean those big thick fucking wedges and she just deep fried the shit out of them, they had that, I got some sort of rabbit and something else fucking brought sausage, whatever the fuck you call it, it was absolutely delicious, I had two fucking french fries, it was like a junkie sitting in a crack house man, it was fucking brutal and I looked over in the corner and there was two young guys, right, and they're like they're fucking mid-20s, primarily their fucking life, Kenny McDonald's at two in the morning and wake up with a flat stomach,

they were over there, these two young fucking cunts were sitting over in the corner and they had those giant German Oktoberfest beer steins and I just sat there staring at those mugs of beer, they look glanced over a couple times, they're probably like what the fuck is this guy looking at like I wanted to fight, it's like I'm not looking at you guys, I'm looking, I was like Homer Simpson, just sitting there doing the mmmm beer and I actually asked the fucking waitress, I was just like how many ounces is that, how many beers, is that two, three beers, he was like two and a half, it's two and a half fucking beers and I already fantasized about being off the wagon, this is why I'm always going to be a drunk, because when I'm sober I don't go oh this is amazing,

falling asleep at 10 o'clock at night, waking up with energy, I don't think that, I just started thinking of how much I'm going to drink when I go back to drinking and I can't wait for the fucking king season to start because I'm going down to that fucking place, probably take Joey Bartnick, you know he's a Pittsburgh guy, God knows, you know him a lawhead, God knows they grew up on sausages and brats, might even fucking go with the two of them right, go down there and get one of those fucking giant beers, I fucking drink two of those, become old fucking Macy Day bloated Billy again, so I fucked up there and then last night I did a gig just outside of San Diego at the Harris Casino Valley Center or something like that,

really really like beautiful part of California, like you come off of the five and there's all these little mom and pop stores, I was making fun of it and shit, but it just had like that vibe of like small town slash maybe a meth problem, you know, which is like, I guess that's what Maverick is nowadays, you know, probably heroin now, all that fucking problem going on and it went, we did the gig, but I actually flew down in a helicopter to the gig, I rented an R-44 and I brought the opener Kevin Shea with me and I flew down with my instructor and in his brother and dude, it was the fucking shit, I probably lost money on the gig, but I don't give a fuck, it was cool as hell, we were actually going to land in the parking lot, they actually have like a

little area that they use as a helipad, it's just this corner of the parking lot, we were going to land there, get out, do the gig and then the end get back in the fucking thing and take off, but the thing was, it had all these mountains all around it and the main street in had no lights and there was a lot of power lines and that type of shit, so we were just like, yeah, why don't we land at a fucking local airport and drive in instead considering neither one of us has ever flown out of here, you know, and those are the fucking decisions you make if you want to fly safely, they actually had a mid-air collision down there, I just saw this little-ass airport, I don't know how the fuck you don't see each other, you're not talking on the fucking radio,

I don't know man, that's the kind of shit you just like, you know, when you start thinking you know stuff, which is always dangerous in any fucking business, we start, you know, I can fucking kind of keep this thing, one of the hardest things when you first fly is staying at a consistent altitude, what you're supposed to do in a helicopter is basically look at your manifold pressure gauge and whatever inches you're pulling, really sounds like I'm jerking off here, but whatever, it's measured in like inches of mercury, so say if you're 21 and you look over at your your vs vertical speed indicator, if it's at zero, you just then you just dial it in and you just keep it, okay 21 inches is what I need to pull and I'll and keep the fucking

goddamn cyclic where I'm at, but I always end up fucking it up and if I don't look at it for a couple minutes, I used to go up like 300 or down or descend 300 feet, now I'm kind of within like 100 feet, so I kind of felt better about that, but so anyway, so I flew down there and then we drove like another 25 minutes, did the gig, had a great fucking time, great crowd and then we drove back to the airport and fucking flew back man and flew back from just outside of San Diego, we got back in about 35 minutes flying over all of this fucking traffic and just flew basically right along the coast the whole way up and it was cool to do that, actually kind of you know, he was teaching me sort of some instrument stuff where I'm not instrument rated and of course that

piqued my fucking interest now, so why the hell not, I might do that next, but as you're flying at night like it's obviously way different during the day and I was just like, I was just like dude, I'm glad you're here because I would be completely lost, I don't know where I am and you just pointed up and you go see right there, because that's the Long Beach Pier, you can always tell other Long Beach wharfs, piers, well I don't know what the fuck you call them, they're all fucking psychotically lit up, it's like the third biggest port wharf pier, whatever the fuck you call it in the world, I guess, so it's always all lit up and there's all kinds of fucking x-boxes and sex slaves and blood diamonds going in and out of there every fucking day, so it's always lit up and we ended

up landing that Long Beach after it was closed, which is pretty fucking cool and they got this thing, I forget how many times you click it, but when we took off the airport was already closed, so all the fucking lights were out and everything and on the cyclic you just fucking click, you know, basically if you're going to talk to the tower you just click it like seven or nine times, I forget and when you do that all the lights come on, the whole fucking field lights up, it's the shit, so that's what I did last night, huh, not too shabby, but anyways, and you know what, Kevin Shea was really fucking chill, I thought he was going to be freaking out that I was flying, he actually said he did a good job and he actually, he said this thing,

well he doesn't freak out when I'm taking off, when he's taking off or when he's up there, he says whenever the plane or whatever he's in goes to land, that's when he freaks out, which I thought was kind of interesting to just be afraid then, anyways, I'm babbling here, so I was talking about, oh yeah, so that night I fucking, you know, we had to leave like around 3.30 and flew down about four o'clock, so that was right around dinner time and then I got to a casino and I'm just like, they were like, we got Mexican food and I'm like, all right, you want tacos, yes, how about a burrito, okay, sound like little John there and I fucking, you know, fucking just inhaled a chicken fucking burrito, it was actually really good, I have it, I think

was because I haven't eaten like that since the 4th of July, I haven't had any just fucking food that's going to make you a fat fuck, so it was delicious, but everybody else there was also saying it was good and then I was in the back of my head going, dude, don't take it too far now, don't take it too far, so then I reached for a taco and I only had one and so anyways, I came back this morning and I got on the scale after I took my dog around the block and then went on like an hour and a half fucking hike and weighed myself with an empty stomach, so I would actually make weight this week, I know the second I had a glass of water, I fucking went up like three pounds, but I'm going to say I'm about 171 pounds, the scale read

168, 170 and 169.4 depending on where I put it, so I just took the middle one 169.4 and then because I hadn't eaten breakfast, I hadn't drank any water, I just added like fucking a couple two three pounds, so I'll say I'm 171, I might be a little under, I might be a little over, but there you go, go fuck yourself man, I've lost almost 17 pounds of fucking booze, burgers, ice cream, potato chips and all of that fucking shit and I feel great and I can't wait to lose the rest of this, whatever the fucking it's gonna be, whenever I lose the last, I still can grab a nice fucking handful here man, whenever I lose the rest of this and then the second I get a nice flat stomach, I'm gonna get myself a gallon of ice cream and one of those

beer steins and I'm gonna go right back up again, what is the point of losing all the weight if you're not gonna go back and indulge and become a complete fat fuck again, right? I don't know, maybe you do, maybe you're doing it to have a lifestyle change, I'm just trying to just you know, I don't want to be 40 pounds overweight, so I'll just fucking drop that to 20 and I'll go back to zero and then I'll be 20 pounds overweight again, just in time for my special next year, big fucking booze head coming at you and I would never do that to you, all right let's get to is there any fucking advertising for this week? Jesus Christ, I've shit on so many of them, I don't know what is left, do I have anything? Oh there we go, oh three little ones, remember

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that's legalzoom.com promo code burr, b-u-r-r legalzoom.com, all right well I hope that was a little painful, a little less painful this week, we got great emails this week and everybody if you would like to send a question to me, you can email me at bill at the mmpodcast.com, that's the email, bill at the mmpodcast.com, all right let's talk about the local news shall we, yeah we got checking our old friend there, you remember what's his face, Rhonda Dangerfield, remember his doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boombats, he'd always be talking about him, well we here on the podcast like to talk about our old friend, old auntie, Anthony Monsanto, see what that goomba is up to this fucking this month, do you know that those guys are over in

India right now, Monsanto and they have like a sister company right now and they're getting sued I believe, are they getting taken to court because India said we don't want genetically modified food, can you believe that, they didn't want their food altered, they probably looked at all the fucking poisoned people in this country and they're like well we don't want to be like that, we already have a population problem, last thing we need is these fucking assholes fucking with our curry, right, that chicken, our rice, our fucking eggplant, all that bullshit right, so what does Anthony do, he's a cunt, he doesn't give a fuck, he goes in there anyways and without permission allegedly takes a strain of their own eggplant and genetically

fucking modifies the thing and guess what they got fucking busted, so now it's a big thing whether they're gonna go to trial if people are gonna go to jail and all that and you know what Anthony's doing, he's just throwing money around over there because he's gonna find some corrupt fucking politician who's gonna say fuck this, I'd rather have a big house and fuck over a billion of my own countrymen just so I can have a fucking jacuzzi and a couple of goddamn whores come over there, can you believe that? Scotland actually outlawed genetically altered food, I wish this country would, it's fucking unbelievable, I'll tell you one thing right now because I'm not a well read guy but I can predict shit, I can guarantee you that nobody

who has any fucking remote shot of becoming president, basically I mean a candidate in the Democratic or Republican party, nobody is gonna bring up old Anthony, they're not gonna fucking do it, they're not gonna bring up how all these cunts throw all this money at all these fucking politicians so that they can use words like organic, homegrown and all of that shit legally when it isn't and it's just a bunch of fucking poison, you know what I mean? I think it's fucked up dude, I'm gonna go out on a limb and just say that's really fucked up so I won't keep an eye on that man because I went over there to India obviously as I talked about before I did a gig and the fucking people are cool as shit, they're funny as hell and I can't explain it,

I went over there and I can't explain it the way the fucking people couldn't explain how great the underwear was or the shaving cream, whatever the fuck it was, I know I just felt, I just liked it over there so I like the people and I hope that their food doesn't become fucked up like the food is over here and as dumb as I am, I am speaking from experience because as I told you guys I ate and drank like fucking Ernest Hemingway when I was over in France earlier this year for 10 days and I put on only four fucking pounds, I was crushing beers, rich fucking meals, I was eating fucking homemade cream puffs every day and I came home and all I gained was four pounds, if I did that shit in this country I would have fucking gained 15, 17 fucking pounds. I'm telling you,

I don't know there's something going on, believe me or don't believe me, I don't give a fuck, I'm just throwing it out there and so anyway if you guys have any good stories about our good friend there Anthony, we'll see Anthony Monsanto, we'll try to just keep an eye on him, see what the fuck he's been up to. All right so as I mentioned this time of year I actually start to pay attention to baseball because I fucking love October baseball, they fucking put all the extra mics in there and the crowd sound amazing, it's cold, the trophies on the line, fucking legendary shit happens, I can't wait, so we're coming out of the dog days of summer here so I'm starting to pay attention. So for those of you not paying attention, my fucking Red Sox,

I have not, I've watched one game this year, they're 52 and 65, a 0.44 winning percentage, they had 12 and a half games out and they've played 117 games, what do they pay, 162, so they got about 40 fucking five games left, oh geez, oh my god, if we won all 45 we could only win, there's no way we can win 100 games this year, we need to go about 40 and five, I think we got a shot at winning the division, actually no, the fucking Yankees are 64 and 52, we're not going to catch them but 12 and a half games out, yeah I'd say this is a wrap, Toronto's a half game out, loving that, I hope they keep plummeting, I love Baltimore and I love fucking Tampa Bay, I like those, I don't like, I don't like Toronto, they don't even belong in the

fucking league, what are you doing here, you know, get your own sport, you don't see us playing your sport do you, fucking Red Sox lost again today, lost again today, 10 to 8, put up 8 runs and still couldn't fucking hold them off, all right let's get to the standings here, how's Kansas City doing, Kansas City first fucking place best record in the fucking American League, I love it, we went 5 and 5 our last 10, Yankees went 4 and 6, Toronto went 8 and 2, they're surging, Kansas City 7 and 3, that's fucking tremendous, Detroit's 4 and a half back, Minnesota's one and a half back, you got yourself erased there, when the fuck did the Astros go to the American League, what the fuck happened there, who switched, Milwaukee did a long time ago,

all right that's fucking weird, Washington, Atlanta, Miami, Philly, St. Louis, I don't got time to figure this fucking shit out, all right so Kansas City's my team, love to see Kansas City, I'm liking the Mets, they're long tortured fucking fans even though they're New Yorkers, I don't give a fuck, Philadelphia, Jesus Christ, what happened in Philly, St. Louis is always fucking there, oh god they're gonna make a run again, Jesus Christ, St. Louis is there, what a fucking, what an organization, I'm sorry this is boring as shit, you just listen to me looking at the goddamn stats here, all right here's something fucked up, you guys see that story on Patrick Kane, I shouldn't even set his fucking name,

that Patrick Kane story where he's charged with allegedly, what the hell is it here, let's make sure I get this right, oh for god's sakes, where the fuck is it, basically he's charged with allegedly raping somebody, so some douchebag is saying that the NHL needs to suspend him, it's like that right there is the reason why, not only should the victim be protected, the person being accused should be protected, he shouldn't put the guy's name and face and drag him through the fucking mud, you know, am I the only guy who remembers that Rolling Stone story and that's not the only time that that has happened, all right, so in fairness considering what this guy

has to lose, he should be treated with the same respect as the alleged victim because it's all alleged, you shouldn't be fucking, this is, it's none of my fucking business right now, you know what I mean, let it go to trial, have the whole thing come out in the fucking wash and in the end, if he's found guilty, then not only suspend him, you can't have a fucking convicted rapist in you, that's the end of his career, that's the end of his fucking career, I'm not trying to attack either person here, I'm just saying in the future, they really need to start fucking doing this because let's just play devil's advocate the way this blogger is fucking talking about Patrick Kane like he's already been convicted and just sitting there, how we hold our

athletes and fucking blah, blah, blah, we just can't wrap our heads around that condescending fucking speak, you know, like I'm sitting there with a poster of him on my fucking wall in a racing car bed, gee, do people in power take advantage of it, wow, what else do you know they're fucking no-name blogger, anyways, I think that they shouldn't put the, they also should protect the accused because this guy has so much to fucking lose and the bottom line is once you get accused of that shit, it's fucking over, even if they find out, even if the victim were to come out and just say, hey, I made the whole thing up, I don't know what I was thinking, sorry about that fucking see you, right, and of course you can say that as a woman and not go to fucking jail after you

just ruined a guy's life, sorry, I was just in a mood, you know, then I went out and I got some breakfast and I felt better and I realized, you know what, he didn't rate me actually, I kind of enjoyed it so anyways, that's what I'm saying, you shouldn't say either person's name and then, you know, when it goes to trial, if the person's convicted, then tar and feather them, I think that's more than fair, don't you, I don't know, so anyways, so let me, so here's the thing, if Patrick Kane is acquitted of this, if it doesn't go to trial, don't be a fucking cunt and yell some shit at him at games when, you know, when your team's playing them, because you're mad, you can't beat the fucking black cars, because don't be a douche,

all right, but like I said, if he fucking did it, you know, he should go to jail and rot there, right? I don't know, let's fucking move on here, what else do I got, how much fuck is that, 35 minutes, okay, what else did I want to talk about, I think that was basically it, I got anything else, I got anything coming up, I don't, I'm just still fucking editing editing this efforts for family, I gotta go back in tomorrow and all that type of shit, I can't wait for you guys to see this shit, I can't wait, I believe I gotta wait until December to find out if you guys think it's good or it sucks, but anyways, oh, you know what I

should do, you guys mind if I read you some of my fucking dates here, I got coming up, I gotta hype these fucking things, I just added a whole run through Texas, where the hell is it, there we go, okay, here we go, here we go, billbird.com everybody, oh, billbird.com, all right, September 11th in Los Angeles, I'm doing the Jack radio comedy show, September 21st, I'm in Austin, Texas, September 23rd, I'm in Houston, Texas, September 25th, I'm in San Antonio, Texas, and on the 24th, I believe that's a Saturday, I'm going to the Texas Longhorn OSU game, so I'll see you out in the parking lot, hit me up man, if you're fucking smoking some meat or whatever, let me know, let me stand by your smoker like some stray cat, you know, I'll throw 20 bucks

towards your tailgate or 40 bucks, whatever you need, let us buy in, me and Verzia coming through town, let us buy in, all right, but don't fucking reach out to me if you got some bullshit here, this is Texas, I would accept bullshit in some other fucking state, but this is Texas, you guys are known for this shit, we'd love to come by, we'll bring some fucking top shelf boos, we're going to be rooting for the Longhorns, we'll have a good fucking time, all right, and then at the end of October, October 22nd, I'm going to be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, at the Heinz Hall for the Performing Arts, October 23rd, I'm going to be at Playhouse Square State Theater in Cleveland, Ohio, October 24th, I'm going to Minneapolis, Indiana,

Jim Erse country, I'll make sure I have enough air in the fucking microphone, I'm playing the Merce Theater, October 25th, I'm in Detroit at the Fox Theater, the 26th, I'm gonna be in Grand Rapids, Michigan, 28th, Minneapolis, Minnesota, 29th, the Chicago Theater, and then November 6th, I'm gonna be in Philly, haven't been there in a long fucking time, usually play the Tower Theater, I'm gonna be playing another Wells Fargo Center this time, so I got a brand new hour of shit, I'm gonna be fucking doing a bunch of stand-up between now and then, so I give you guys your money's worth, so please by all means, come on out to the shows, I would appreciate it, all right, and with that, let's get back to the, let's get to your questions this week, I think I've run my

mouth enough about myself and what I fit up to and the things that I find important, all right, fat shaming success story, all right, who was a rough one, you know, all right, hey Bill, I'm six feet tall and five months ago I weighed 320 pounds, big boy, Jesus buddy, all right, I'm now down to 243 and trying to get around, trying to get down to around 200, I've been using your self-shaming method and it's obvious that it works, I fucking loved it, self-shaming wins, you're getting in there, huh, you're taking your shirt off, standing in the mirror, jumping up and down, look what you're doing, look at it, and you then you fucking build yourself up, turn it around, he said, even though my people tell me I look good, I don't let up on myself, thanks for the motivation and go fuck

yourself, yeah man, you got to do it, you got to stay on yourself and this is the thing too, I look, this is psychologically how I look at it, I look at it like each week is a game, like in the NFL season, all right, I get on the scale, I figure out how much fucking weight I need to lose, all right, I needed to lose like a good fucking, you know, I was a good, oh Jesus, you know, my fighting weights, you know, when I had a, last time I had a flat stomach, I was between like 162 and 165, so I was up to 187, so I needed to lose a good 20-25 pounds, all right, so I figured, you know, I'll lose two to three a fucking week, I'm looking at a good 10 weeks, 10 weeks season here, so what I do is if I lose, I have it on the calendar, I write the weight that I'm at,

and every Sunday I just write down the weight that I want to be the next Sunday, and I weigh myself every day, sometimes a couple of times a day, I get fucking psychotic with it, and I try to make weight every Sunday, and I try to do it without starving myself, because then you just kind of eat away at muscle, and you become very fleshy, very fleshy, which is just all gelatinous and shit, you want the muscle because I guess it eats the fat, because that's what somebody in a bar who wasn't a fucking nutritionist told me, all right, so, and then how I do it so I don't fuck up, is because I know that there's no way I'm going to go 10 fucking straight weeks and eat absolutely perfectly, I know at some point I'm going to fuck up and have a burrito and a taco and a

fucking brat or whatever the fuck I did, and I just try to immediately get back on the stick, and then that week if I don't make weight, I just, I call that week a loss, and then I just look at my record, I just pretend I'm a coach, all right, I was two and oh, now I'm two and one, I can't go two and two, can't go two and two, then the local fucking sport writer is going to give, is it time to make a change, you know, so I won the first two weeks with this diet, I lost the next one, I tried to call it a bi-week, but I'll say that's a loss, I was two and one, then I won the next two weeks in a row, and this week I was looking at a loss, so instead of being five and one, I was looking at four and two, and I didn't like that number, and I just went really hardcore with the

working out and trying to eat as perfect as I could, so I just, just look at it that way, and if you, you know, if you fuck up or whatever, it's not the end of the world unless you allow it to be, and I think a lot of people, myself included, is when you, when you fuck up on your diet, the next day what you have to watch out is when you eat a bunch of grease or sugar or salt, you're going to wake up the next day and you're going to crave that shit, so what you've basically started is a little fire that you can easily stomp out with your fucking slippers while you're still in your bathrobe by just making yourself a bowl of oatmeal or something healthy for breakfast, and then you eat that, you're, because you've been eating so well, you're going to want to, you're

going to still be on that craving healthy stuff, this is how it works for me, okay, obviously I'm not a nutritionist, I'm none of this, no sports medicine, nothing, this is just what's working for me, I've, I've realized after years I think it was stupid when people said food is a drug, I realize finally now that it is, so when I fuck up, you know, and I basically, you know, food version, you hit the crack pipe, I just make sure the next day that when I get up, like, before I even, like, I, you know, I go for a walk, I drink some water with some lemon, and that will really calm you down, you know, so you don't get a fucking Danish or go out and get some waffles or some salty fucking eggs and cheese and bacon and all that shit, that's what's been

working for me, so if you want to go from 234, 243 to 200, just maybe, you know, try that, if it works for you, it works for you, if it doesn't, I'm sure there's a zillion other things on the internet by, you know, professionals, but I'm happy for you, man, that's fucking insane, dude, that's what, 320 to, that's almost 80 fucking pounds, 77 pounds, dude, that's unbelievable, good for you, man, keep going, all right, drought shaming, oh god, hey Bill, up here in Northern California, we are on tight water restriction, pretty much everyone's lawns are dead or mostly brown, personally, it's driving me up the wall to have a dead-ass yard, but you know, I'm gonna do my part, my issue is these selfish cunts who have the fucking nerve to just flood their goddamn lawns

like they're special or something, I want to drought shame the blatant water users in my neighborhood, but I don't want to shit where I eat, do you have any thoughts or advice, by the way, we saw your show when you came to Sacramento and you killed man, we hope you come back soon, oh thank you, well look, I never advocate ratting somebody out, but it's a weird thing when somebody's doing something that affects the whole tribe, you know what I mean, this isn't like, you know, the guy drove home, I don't know, whatever, I can't think of a fucking example, this is something that really is affecting the entire state, I don't know what I would do, why don't you leave them an anonymous note and just say, listen, I'm not trying to be a

jerk, but we are in a drought, you're not supposed to be watering your lawn, and I'm not the kind of person to rat somebody out, that's what you do, and I would really hope that you don't put me in a position to have to call the local authorities about you watering the shit out of your fucking lawn, so then basically what you did is you went passive aggressive, you didn't rat them out, you basically said, listen dude, don't make me fucking do this, but at the end of the day, man, I mean, we're in serious fucking trouble here, so that whole no snitching thing, it becomes a little bit of a gray area, so why don't you give the guy a fucking chance, you know, don't be a cunt in the letter, just say please, I don't rat people out, but you know, this is the needs of the state

and the people in the state are way bigger than you and your yard, please don't put me in a position, you got to go walking, like in true romance, when he fucking clasps his hand together, like whatever he said, I beg you, don't put me in this position or something, whatever the fuck he said, that's what I would do, so then you don't have to fucking rat him out, then if you know, he keeps watering his lawn, I don't know, what do you do? You know what you do, you pussy out and you have your wife make the call, I don't know man, I really have zero tolerance when it comes to people, I don't know, but look at me, I flew a fucking helicopter down to my fucking gig, and I'm not using bottled water, but this is, my instructor was saying like, dude, we just

fucking sent leaded gas through the atmosphere, so I mean, I'm a fucking hypocrite too, I don't know what to tell you, but it does bug me when everybody else is trying to tighten the fucking belt and there is that person just fucking watering the shit, I'll tell you, the people in my neighborhood, man, they're fucking watering the shit out of there, I don't, I don't even have any grass in my fucking yard, you know what I mean, I got a couple of, I water the, I water the plants that are actually producing food, my wife likes all these other fucking plants, I was like, who gives a fuck about a plant, it's not feed me, what the fuck do I care about it, let's get them out of here, right, so that's a bit of a fight, but like some of my neighbors, man, it's like, they water

their shit, and what kills me is not that they're necessarily watering it, it's that the sprinklers are so fucked up, it's just shooting out into the street, landing on the hot tar and then just evaporating, what they're really doing is spraying people's cars that probably just got them washed, which you're not supposed to, I haven't washed my car in fucking months, look dude, we're all fucking trying, maybe that guy with the green lawn, maybe he's doing something else, I have no idea, but you know, look at me, I mean, I fucking, I fly around a helicopter, who the fuck am I to say that? All right, here we go, is Phil Collins a good drummer, Bill? Bill, insert generic redhead insult here, okay, thank you, what do you think about Phil Collins as a

drummer? His drummer was a, his drumming was a staple of the 80s, but he never shows up on any greatest drummers list. As a drum enthusiast yourself, can you explain why? Is he not a great drummer? As an average music listener, but not a drum expert, I think he's, he drums like an awesome motherfucker. But I know fuck all about the technicalities of drumming, except what you share, is Phil Collins great or even good, please help. Phil Collins is a fucking monster. He's an unbelievable fucking drummer. And he has his own sound and what I love is the time when he came up, there was this fad of having no bottom head on your toms, which are basically the, you know, you have your bass drum, your snare drums, and then like, you know, basically, you know, someone doesn't feel

those fucking things, those are your Tom Tom's, right? So there was a time where having no bottom head for whatever fucking reason, they were called concert toms. There was people that just liked that sound, like they went through this whole studio time in the studio, I think where they were really deadening the sound like drums are really had a dead sound and maybe that's why I did it. I don't know. I'm getting in over my head very quickly here. But he came up, you know, when he, I go all the way back to the, when he was just playing drums and Genesis and Peter Gabriel was still in it, you know, that whole prog rock band. I think even back then he didn't have any bottom heads and he has his own sound and he's fucking left handed. And he's an absolute

fucking monster. And in the air tonight, that fucking drum fill, that's one of those things that, you know, I guess if you played drums for three months, you could mimic it, but could you come up with it? So why doesn't he get credit? Well, I would say because he played when he played drums in Genesis, they were a progressive rock band. And I think it was, I don't know, it was just too fucking avant garde. It wasn't pop. So he didn't quite get the credit. And then when the 80s came around, he kind of became, he became the front man, he became the singer. And he'd go back, there was a chest of Thompson, and they'd have like, they played drums together, maybe do a little drum battle or something like that. But then it was considered, Oh, wow, look, he can,

there was a lot of people even by the 80s were like, Oh, he can play drums too. They didn't know that he like started off as a drummer. He's one of those amazing guys that like, you know, is it like Dave Grohl, where he's in fucking Nirvana and your lead singer dies. I mean, you're usually fucked as a drummer. That guy stepped out to the forefront and started his own band has become a front man in his own right. And I always talk about that. I never thought to think that Phil Collins did the same thing on Peter Gabriel left. And he just went out right to the front. Don Henley is another guy, but he always sang when he's with the Eagles. But anyways, why doesn't he get the credit? I think because of songs like Ciccio when he was

completely overexposed in the 80s, and he made really schlocky pop music, he went from being this underground outsider guy to just writing the crosshairs and being the most successful guy of an age. And then you, you just get branded like you're an 80s guy. And then the next decade comes and everybody did the youth from that immediately revolts against whatever happened the previous fucking decade. And then the decade before is considered cool. Like in the 80s, everybody was about 60, the 60s and the Woodstock was great. Everybody hated fucking disco 90s came around. They were like fuck hair metal and all that stupid as fucking shit. And then all of a sudden the 70s became cool and the Bee Gees were somehow being played again and fucking

Dirk Diggler, Boogie Nights, all of that shit. Dazed and confused all those fucking movies came out. Right in the 80s, you had like fucking platoon and all that shit talking about the Vietnam War and fucking Woodstock and hippies and all that fucking crap. 70s, what'd you have? You had happy days, right? Bill, we fucking get it. All right. So I think, but when you're like the face of an era, like people won't let you change. And they, they, I don't think in the 70s when he was playing drums that they were popular popular enough to people understand how great a fucking drummer he is. And and then by the 80s, he was just singing that cheesy shit that I absolutely fucking hate. But to Rosa loves it. And he's like 10 years younger than me. So I don't

know. But I will say he played with the he so many fucking great tracks he played on. He played on Robert Plants. I'm in the mood that that first solo album he did after Zeppelin had to break up because Bonham died. I believe it was his first solo album, just fucking amazing drums for like a pop song and just his phrasing is the way he chooses. I don't know, just his the way he expresses himself. I think he's a fucking monster. And he gets extra cool credit notes, because he's a lefty. Last I read about him, he really fucked up his back as a lot of drummers did from his era, because they knew nothing about stretching and yoga and that type of shit. And especially if you sang and you and they used to have like those mics, so you'd be playing and you'd have you'd be

turning your neck. I know Don Henley fucked up his neck doing that. A lot of drummers that sang back then. In fact, if you look a lot of older drummers, they go from having a drum thrown to having like that a back, like a literally like a regular chair, you know, support their back. But anyways, I'm fucking rambling here. He's a fucking monster. Absolute fucking monster. So but what I heard recently, he started playing again. So maybe he fixed his back. But I read a real depressing article about him a few years ago in Rolling Stone where he was like retired from drumming. And he was confused as to why he was called the anti Christ, you know, because of his shit from the 80s and stuff. And I don't know, I felt bad for the guy. So I was psyched when I

heard he was drumming again. So and if I get a chance, I'm definitely going to go see him and I'll sit through all that susudio horseshit just to hear him play drums. All right, a fucked up cheating story needed vice dear, dear Bill. All right, I could really use advice on this. I found out accidentally that my best friend since birth's girlfriend has been fucking our other best friend behind his back for over a year now. Wait a minute, wait a minute, let me back up here. I found out at them my best friends, my best friend since birth's girlfriend. All right, so your buddy, since you were a toddler, he has a girlfriend. She's been fucking your other best friend behind his back for over a year now. Oh my God. Wow. Okay. Here we go. I was checking something on

his phone and stumbled across naked pictures. She had sent him shocked to see it. I dug further. Wait a fucking minute. The fuck are you doing with his phone? What were you checking on his phone? Wait a minute. What the fuck? This, this is this whole fucking thing is weird. Are you the guy that's actually fucking your best friend's girlfriend and you're speaking about yourself in the third person? This whole thing is weird. I was checking something on his phone. I've never checked anything on any of my friend's phones ever. You know, if they hand it to me, I look at whatever picture is there. I don't start swiping around and snooping. You were snooping. What kind of a fucking man? Jesus Christ. All right,

so you're snooping on this guy's phone. You stumbled across naked pictures. What do you mean you stumbled across? You clicked on the photo app. You scrolled through his photos. She had sent them and then what? You sent them to your phone and jerked off to it later? I'm probably being too hard on you. All right. Shocked to see it. I dug further and read the text between them. Oh Jesus, you were just fanning yourself, weren't you? I love how you're just not fucking doing anything wrong either. The next thing I was, I couldn't believe it. So now I'm looking at his tax record and his fucking social security number. Anyways, all right. Shocked to see them. I dug further and read the text between them saying how much she loves him

and she wished they could fuck all day and it made me so sick to my stomach that I went into his tax records. Sorry. She's the nicest girl I ever met in my life and I look at her as a sister, but now I see how bad she's been fucking a kid over that's like my brother with his best friend and I have no idea what to do. He trusts them both so much that he had no problem with them going alone together to Green Bay for a football game. Oh my God. Oh Jesus, they probably fucked on one top of one of those cheesehead things. You know, she bent herself over it, you know? Goodness. Now when I hang out with them from here on out, how could I act normal when I know what's going on? It would destroy my buddy if I told him. If I tell him not only what I lose the

friend I have, wait, if I tell him not only what I lose the friends I have, but this girl, if this is a girl he lives with would do anything, would do anything for and is going to get engaged to her eventually. The four of us are like family, family, some stuck in a fucked up position. Could you use your help here? Should I tell him or let it play out? No. What kind of a fucking friend are you? They're going to get married? Married? Geez. No, you can't let that happen. This is what you got to do. You got to go out with the other two, the two dirty ones that are fucking around. You got to sit down and just say, listen, I was snooping on your phone. I shouldn't have fucking done it. And I saw the pictures. I know what's going on with the two of you. All right. So

can you guys please tell him before I have to? And you have to tell him. You can't just break it off. You have to fucking tell him because you're not going to break it off. You're going to break it off and you're going to start fucking again, or you lady are going to go fuck somebody else because you don't love this guy. Just go tell him and break up with him and get on with your life. All right. And just say, I'm not judging either one of you, but you know, what the fuck do you want from me? And you had to know that if you're going to do something like this, eventually this was going to something like this was going to happen. So there you go. Good luck with that, guys. I'll be over here eating the cheeseburger and you just fucking remove yourself from it.

All right. And just and I would say, listen, man, you have you have until the end of the fucking weekend to tell him or I'm going to sit him down and tell him. All right. That's it. And I didn't create this fucking situation. The situation is what the fuck it is because of your dick and your pussy. Maybe not in that order, maybe in that order. What are you going to do? And I would just fucking walk away and you know, and I wouldn't judge either one of you guys sound like you're young. I have no idea. God knows I made plenty of fucking mistakes in my life in that area. So what the fuck are you going to do? Okay. They fucked up. They fucked up and they just got to come clean and let the shit fall where it may. I think what's his face? Jim Croche. He's got a

bunch of songs that your buddy could listen to. You know, she's living in LA with my best old best friend, Ray, a guy that she knew that she said she knew well and sometimes hated. Isn't that the way that's what you should do? You should be singing that in the background when they confess. Isn't that the way they say it goes? But let's forget all that and give me the number if you can't find it. So I can't call just to tell him I'm finding the show. I overcome the blow. I learned to take it. Well, I only wish my words could just convince myself that it just wasn't but that's not the way it feels. Oh, Jesus Christ, Bill, you're singing the whole fucking song. That's Jim Croche operator, by the way. Another sad song. Another sad song by Jim Croche.

Okay, here's another one for you here. My wife and I are two months away from the birth of our first child. That's fucking awesome. Congratulations. I want to hear your opinion on one of the names we have been favoring. First name birdie. Fuck you. You're not naming a kid birdie. You're full of shit. I don't buy this. I don't buy this at all. First name birdie, middle name Ula, U-L-L-A, short for my grandmother Ursula. Last name starts with a G. Her initials would be BUG, bug. Is this too weird of a name? Oh, you fucking hipster cunt. No, it isn't. Go ahead and name your fucking baby birdie. You fucking dope. I imagine the DMV calling her name or a teacher calling her name and roll call. What do you think? You know what I think. You don't name a kid birdie.

Why would you do? I don't understand people who got this. Did you never get this shit kicked out of you for no fucking reason? When you were in school, you're literally giving people a reason every fucking day to fuck with your kid. Why would you do that? Give her a pretty name. Birdie? You know, why God gives someone like you sperm that works? It's just, I don't understand it. Was I too harsh this week on people? Is birdie, is that like, you know what? I got to look that up right now. I got to look that fucking thing up right now. You got to be fucking shit me. There's no way. Is that going to be like the new, like, Kathy birdie, the name that's sweeping the nation. Birdie, that's, that's a golfing term. That's what you hit in bad mitten. Birdie,

girl, girl name. Okay, let's see the history of this birdie, meaning of the name. Well, I remember there was Lady Bird Johnson. Birdie was until recently a middle-aged ladies club. What? Birdie was until recently a middle-aged ladies club member wearing a bird decorated hat, but now it's just kind of a vintage nickname. Think Haiti. Is that supposed to be Lucy? Josie? Oh, Josie. Eyes are going. Mami Millie. That's coming back into style in a big way. Actress Busy Phillips named her baby Birdie, inspired by First Lady Lady Bird Johnson, as did soap star Mora West. In an earlier heyday of nicknames, the 1880s, Birdie was a top 200 name. People who also like Birdie, also like Alabama, Alfie, Alfred, Aspen, Blanche,

Sicily, Clover, Dixie, Franklin, Hawk. Who fuck names a kid, Hawk? Lenora, Oswald, Oswin. First of all, if celebrities are naming their baby that, it's a good one to avoid. Oh my god, look at these fucking names. Sparrow, Remi, Ransom. The fuck names a kid rants? Vesper, Win, W-I-N. Win, win, god damn it. Zira, Toulouse, T-O-U-L-O-U-S-E, Toulouse. I looked at that and with my fucking dyslexia, I just saw a toolshed. Patience. Who names a fucking kid patience? The fucking irony that I just flipped out about that. Dixie. Wait, I want you to call her truck stop whore. Frank, that's a normal one. Franklin, that's all right. Gertrude. Jesus, Christ. What's she banging someone in the fucking Gestapo? Gretel, Cosmo, Guthrie, Lottie, Maple,

Marilla. Dude, these are fucking, these are fucking white people douchebag fucking names. Oh my god, these please are Mortimer. India, Haran, Haran. That's like how black people say heroin. Haran, he's on that Haran. You're going to name a fucking, if you name a kid a drug, a slang for a drug, these fucking names are horrible. Wait a minute. Let me get to popularity. Okay, these are the popular names. I got to keep going with this podcast. This is fucking, Birdie is number 469 on Nameberry. What the fuck is Nameberry? All right. It reached its peak. This is like Casey Kasem. The name Birdie reached its peak in 1880, ranked at 210.

And then by the 40s, wait a minute, it dropped all the way down to the fucking thousand where it belonged. Enter a different name. All right, let's enter it. Let me, what's the worst fucking name I can think of? What's a fucking douchey name? A hipster would not, would name their kid. I'm going to go with Lampy. Just looked over and saw Lamp. See if that's one. No, no, Lampy is open. If you want to be fucking original. How about Fridge? F-R-I-D-G-E. It's something a fucking stupid white person would name their kid. We found 21 results. There's no way anybody's name in that kid, Fridge. I bet Milty. How about Milt? Milt, popularity is 1000% this week. Did I already see Milt?

I'm just going to think of some of the, some of the fucking old singers back in the day. It was Engelberg, Hunkward, Dink. How about Ebenezer? I can't spell this. Is there a Z in there? Just for the record, I'm spelling it E-B-I-N-E-A-Z-E-R. No fucking results for that. I'll go fuck yourself. All right, I got it. I got it. I have one fucking name that comes out here. Come on, Ebenezer. Ebenezer. Oh, there's how you spell it. Are you guys still listening to this? Boy name. Ebenezer, boy name. All right, meaning of Ebenezer. Ebenezer is a name of a biblical place. The stone set up by Samuel to mark his victory over the Philistines rather than a person. It was adopted by the British Puritans as the first name and then

exported to America where it had some early popularity entering the top 1000 in the 1880s. Geez, I'll tell you, 1880s was a rough time to be born. Not only fucking the scurvy and all that fucking horseshit, had fucking names like Ebenezer and Birdie. You can just feel their itchy clothes with those fucking names. Can you? All right, I can babble with this shit forever. All right, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. As always, if you would like to donate to the podcast, but not spend any fucking money, next time you go to Amazon, just swing by billbird.com first, click on the merch page, and then click on the Amazon link. It'll take you over to Amazon. Won't cost you any extra money. They'll kick me a little dough for sending traffic their way,

and then I kick 10% of whatever they give me to the St. Jude's Hospital. There you go. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great week and don't name your kid Birdie. Info and for more of the know, BMW.com.