Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-19-13

Episode Date: August 20, 2013

Bill rambles about Bourbon Street, ARod, and malformed testicles.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, August 19, 2013. I am still in New Orleans. My last two days here in New Orleans. I want to thank everyone. Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans? That's where my baby goes. She gets a po-boy and pukes on a sidewalk down on Bourbon Street with all the other fucking whores. You like that? That was a little started off with something, I don't know, some sort of Basin Street blues. And I ended up with Clyde McCoy's Sugar Blues for all of you out there who enjoy an unbelievably white man playing a muted trumpet. I highly recommend listening to Clyde McCoy's Sugar Blues. You know, if people other than white

people were running this country after that recording came out, white people would be banned from ever playing the trumpet again. I'm sure there's probably some Clyde McCoy fans out there, and I'm sure I'm offending you right now, but I don't give a shit. The man is no longer with us, and fortunately cannot play that horn anymore. Those of you are not going to have time to look it up. The muted trumpet song went something like it's literally that bad. When I was six, I thought it was good. Oh, fuck, you know, I finally broke down. I went down to Bourbon Street. And it was 20 to five on a Saturday, 20 to five. What's funny in New Orleans is they have Royal Street runs parallel to Bourbon

Street. It's one block, I guess north of it. I don't fucking know. Just night and day. You stay on Royal Street. It's a bunch of sane people, some really good unbelievable street performers out here, man. The musicianship is crazy. But you know, families, you know, fucking all these antique stores, the gas lamp place, the way they make the gas lamps, you know, in case you thought they made the gas lamp shed at some other place, they make it at the gas lamp place. They got it's just a bunch of nice stuff. We like, oh, wow, what a wonderful town. I'd work all this stuff to do. Good clean fun on Royal Street. You go one block over over and you're on Bourbon Street and it is an absolute shit show. I

saw a oh, she didn't take care of herself. So she could have been anywhere from 26 to about 59. She had some hard Miles people. All right. She was running with she was down a couple courts oil for at least two decades. If you know what I mean, you might need to you know, get a little valve job done on your who had their lady. Um, anyways, she's I'm sitting drinking. And I'm in this bar. There's nobody else in it. And everybody in the bar is dressed like they're like coach from Cheers in the band, you know, and they're playing. I don't know what the fuck they were playing. So did Jazzy sort of New Orleans on a shit. And so I'm sitting there and I'm just, you know, it's open view. I'm just watching people

going down the street. I took some video of it. All right, there was this white dude with great hair, you know, fucking dirty as hell, full head of fucking this guy could run for office with the head of hair that he had. But instead, he decided to mop the gutters with it for the last fucking, I don't know, since the 70s. And he was out skipping around freaking people out. He you know, it's funny, that guy had been a drunk for so long when he would sit down when anybody would approach him, he would immediately put his hands up like, Hey, I'm not fucking doing anything. Why are you hassling me? He's just so used to being hassled, man, that when somebody comes up to him, or he's so used to people

coming up to him telling him that he needs to tone down his behavior, that the second and anybody got in his peripheral, he immediately put his hands up. Hey, you know, just sitting here, man. He had his little bottle of booze. Then there was this hilarious black dude direct in traffic, making most people laugh and driving control freaks out of their fucking minds. So that was fun. This is all at like 20 to five in the afternoon. Son had even started to set and then across the street, this woman I don't 58 59 maybe early 60s. She's with her guy and this other couple and she starts getting all fucking loopy or whatever. And she just she blew chow to bring back the old way we used to say puked back in the day she blew

chow all over the fucking sidewalk. And this is the funny thing all she did when she threw up was she just like, it was like somebody said, can you see your toes? And she was like, you know, I don't think I've, I've tried to see my toes in a long time. She just looked just she just looked straight down and just fucking yacked. It kind of wreck his shade off her belly and then hit the sidewalk. So she was near the landmine, but was was fine. As long as she took a step back or if she went right or she went left and she just fucking she went straight. She took one step and did a Benny Hill fucking slip. Not really. She did like she sort of collapsed like Bambi and just landed in her own fucking puke.

And her friends sort of were comforting her letting her sit in her own pews fucking unreal. And meanwhile, the other guy is skipping around with his bottle of booze. Hey, man, leave me a little minute. And so the guy put him in like a UFC show code, which I don't even know if he knew the guy. He just put him into it in a joking way. And the drunk dude with the great hair immediately just played along and was sticking his tongue out. And I don't know what the fuck was going on. And then the black guy was still directed traffic. And I'm looking at my watch is fucking 20 of five on a Saturday. And in the thing is the people who are them who are an absolute fucking mess, they should be antiquing the

age that they were. And all those stores that are really nice on Royal Street, all of them were closing up. That's how I ended up in a bar. I was like, Why are you guys all closing up? And they're like, Ah, you know, we close up around five gets a little crazy one block. Oh, it turns into such a shit show that they just they they just close down or whatever. So anyways, I've had I've had a despite that crazy story. I've had an I've had a great time down here. And I've kind of become a Saints fan. I got to get out of here soon because I'm kind of becoming a Saints fan. I got all into the sentimental part of it of their their longtime announcer. Of course, I don't have his name in front of me here.

I'm gonna I don't want to butcher this. He did his last show. His last show. Is he doing stand up bill? No, he did his last broadcast Saints. Let me look this up here. So I get this right. And fuck all you guys down here in New Orleans giving me shit right now. I'm not from here. Retires. Bang. Here we go. Long time Saints announcer retires. Can I get a name Jerry roaming? And you got to listen to some clips of him on on YouTube. He's another one of those classic throwback guys total Homer. It's awesome. And I hope he doesn't always get replaced by his son. So he'll be a Homer too. I just hate when they go from a Homer to just some guy where you don't know where they're from. And you just get some

you know, you know what the fuck I'm trying to say. Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast, everybody. Oh, people have been asking me, you know, I want to send emails in man. What do I send it bill at the mm podcast.com. That's where you send them in. If you have any fucking questions just setting the other on bullshit. So yeah, there's I got two more days, two more days on this movie that I'm doing down here. I know I've been dicking around saying that I'm doing an episode of glee. Obviously, you guys don't know that for those who didn't look it up. I'm doing a movie down here called black and white with Kevin Costner and Octavia Spencer. And it's been an unbelievable time, unbelievable shoot that whole time.

It's been amazing. So I have this weird sort of I'm excited to get the fuck out of here. And also going to be a little sad been here for a while. Oh, and also of course, directed by Mike binder. They all got great Boston names. Costner Spencer binder. So that I don't know when it's going to come out probably going to come out next year. So I don't know why I'm fucking hyping a movie that we haven't even finished shooting yet. But I guess that's what you have to do nowadays because there's 9000 channels. So look out for it. I think it's going to be a great one. There we go. And on to the stories for this week. Romanian doctor. Did you guys see this story? This is one of these stories I just don't believe

is true. Even though I retweeted it, I refuse to believe that this is fucking true. It says stressed out doctor cuts off man's elf patients penis. All right. I don't know how to say the guy's name non see omu 58. What is with the 58 year olds this week? They're not puking on Bourbon Street. They're cutting off somebody's dick. Really? Does this have to do with the size of the moon in the sky? The moon is memory. They always fucking talk about how to affect your goddamn mood. The moon does it. And exactly how does that work? I would love to just see a table full of scientists listen to this laughing their asses off right now, wiping tears from their eyes under their fucking I'm smart white coats. Anyways, anyways, now

see omu 58 was operating on a man to correct a testicular mouth malformation. You see that this is a vanity thing. His balls were working fine. He just didn't like how one of them looked. You know, kind of like when a woman has one wonky titty, like once once focused, and the others the backup quarterback checking out the chicks in the front row, you know. So evidently he had the same problem except it was his bulls. So anyway, he's he lost his temper trying to fix this guy's balls. So he grabs a scalpel and he sliced off the guy's dick. I love this word here in front of an amazed nursing staff, not horrified, not nauseated, amazed. How did he do that? You know, you would have thought that one

of us would try to stop them. But by the time I realized what he was doing, you already did it. God, do you think we'll ever be that good? And am a evidently that's an amazing thing for a nurse to see in Romania. They were amazed. And then not to mention this after he cuts the dick off, he then cuts it into three pieces. For those of you mathematicians out there, that's two cuts. I wonder if you just stabbed the scalpel in there into the table and then that was it. All right. And then he stormed out of the operating theater at the Panduri Urology Hospital in Bucharest. That's the capital to Romania. So there's no excuse for this behavior. This guy should be the best of the best. He's working in the

capital. I can see if he was out in the sticks, you know, out in Worcester. What the fuck was going through this guy's head? Did he not have the right equipment? Did he keep getting the malformed ball into shape and then it kept on malforming? And you know, like when your fucking computer keeps crashing? That's basically what this guy did. Like you ever get mad at your cell phone and you just fucking throw it? He did the medical version of that. And evidently that involves cutting off a dick. So it gets even weird. A Romanian court has ordered professor, Siyomu, whatever his name, to pay a hundred grand damages and $20,000 cost to the victim. Whatever his costs. Did you still charge him for the operation?

Well, you know, we did kind of shape up one of your balls. Tell you what, that was going to be 40 grand, but we'll take 50% off. And all the gauze unique. And this guy was a 36 year old builder, 36 year old, the trauma that got this with the guys. Now this is the hits is his underwhelming statement. The trauma has left a deep mark both physically and psychologically. It's hard for a man who wants to have sex, sex yet lacks the organ. My wife is the best thing I have. That's just where it's fucking thing. There's no way this is true. How do you, how do you know this shit is true? Even if you see it on, I saw it on the news. So what? So what? How do you, how do you know what happened? Let me look at this. There's

another one. This is the one up in Newfoundland, right? 40 pythons found in Canada motel 10 days after two boys were killed by an escaped snake. Did you see that story? Like, how do you, how do you fucking know that that happened? Unless you were there. Other than that, I'm just sitting there and I'm listening to some woman talking and then they got a picture of a snake over a fucking shoulder and then they cut to somebody standing out in front of the house. It's true, Jennifer. It's true. Tragedy did strike today in this great house. If you could see that window here as well versus snake was somehow, I don't know. I went up the stairs. I mean, maybe they had those round ones, you know, the spiral staircase

and it went up the stripper pole that's in the middle. I have no idea, but anyway, somehow it managed to get up to the second floor at eight, not one, but two. They basically said that that was very abnormal for a snake, for snake lovers. He's about two Canadian brothers apparently squeezed to death by a 15 foot African python. They were typical children who enjoyed life to the maximum. Yeah, well, I mean, there's six and four. What's one of them looking through a fucking telescope already? I guess it could be advanced learning. Everybody's typical at six and four. Did I miss my calling? I maybe this is like, this is what I should have, I should have written news articles. This is how fucking dumb you can be. The nursing

staff was, Hey, what's that word? Let's just amazed. Amazed, right? Amazed. Yeah, sounds good. What do you get for lunch? Um, and spent the last days alive playing with animals on a farm. A relative said Tuesday, the boys were asleep over in an apartment above a pet store when the snakes struck. Canadian police said it slithered. Oh, did it? And it didn't walk into the room. It slithered slithered through the top of its, its floor to ceiling cage. Jesus Christ out of a hole connected to a ventilation system and dropped from the living room ceiling when a pipe broke on top. Oh my God, it's terrible. So then it was this guy says that this was not, um, said it was abnormal for a snake to go on a, uh, on a

killing spree. You know, which I believe that, right? They just kind of, they just take what they need. They only eat just enough. If you look, it was the last time we saw a fat snake. I mean, they're all muscle. Right. So this one, I don't know what this fucking things deal was. I think it was like Thanksgiving. It just fucking kept going. But am I really talking about a snake that killed two fucking little boys? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. All right. What am I going to do? Make fun of the po boys and the goddamn fucking paddle boat out there again? Oh, that fucking paddle boat's driving me nuts. Fortunately, it's out to sea. Can you be out to sea on a river? What is an Eddie? Does anybody know what it's

different between a sea and an ocean? That's the kind of thing. Like if you're not a captain or you're not in the Navy, I mean, I bet half the people in the fucking Navy couldn't tell you the difference between an Eddie, a sea, a Gulf, everything to me is the ocean. Like the Gulf of Mexico to me, that's the fucking ocean. Don't be talking to me how, oh, it's surrounded on three sides. Yeah. And what fucking 9,000 miles in each direction. I'm in the middle of the fucking ocean. Right. The only reason why the Great Lakes aren't oceans to me is because they're not salty. I stick my face in them. I don't go. I don't do that shit. And you know, that one that they have out there in California, the Sultan

sea that's all salty, that's the fucking ocean. It's not a lake. It's not a sea. That is the fucking ocean. It got left about it got left behind like Willem Dafoe in in platoon. You know, I just found out all that out that thought that all that desert out there, they used to be the bottom of an ocean. I had no idea. So wouldn't that mean? No, that wouldn't mean that. I was gonna say that this was fucking dinosaurs down there. There's some sort of oil. Do they have a drill in the desert for oil? Dude, what the fuck you think your Middle East is? I'll go fuck yourself. You ever been there? You don't even know what it looks like. You just see it on the news like I do. What is the Middle East to you? What is it? Huh?

Our plane's flying in there. People throwing rocks at them. That's your geography before you get on your fucking high horse, dude. I'm sorry. I'm in this mood. I am bored shitless out here. I'm done. I got two more days. I want to bang this shit out and I want to get on the first fucking one smoking and get the fuck out of here. I've had it. I need to go home. I need to be with my stuff. All right. I miss my stuff. You know, I really miss the moment. I miss my pajamas. I haven't seen my pajamas in a month. How long do you have pajamas before you lose the top? You don't even know where the fuck it is. You only wear the bottoms, right? Just walking around scratching your balls, making that face

when you look into the kit into the refrigerator and there's just nothing there that looks edible. I mean, everything's work. Anyway, let's do let's do a little little advertising for the week here. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. There are so many things in the world that irritate me. Raccoon hands. I don't like the, I don't like the raccoon hands. They creep me out. The word expedite. I don't like that word. I didn't think it is a word. All right. If it is a word, it became a word from Stewartus is saying it because the only fucking people I've ever heard say it. And what else? Oh, people will hold their nose before jumping into a pool. You know, can you just breathe out your nose? Can't you just do that? How

old are you? Right? Anyways, with all the so many things in the world that can irritate you, why would you let your razors add to it? That doesn't make any sense. What I'm trying to say is stop milking your razor blade for the entire month, you know, digging up your face. I know the brand name razors. You're used to paying outrageous prices and exhausting those razors until they start to look like a rusty coat of soda can. I realize this. Well, it's time to let that go. It's time to move on. Dollar Shave Club delivers amazing quality blades to your door for just a few bucks a month. You never have to think about it again. They send a pack every month just for a few bucks. You can change your blades

every week. Trust me, your face will love you for it. That's true. I use it and you should too. Join Dollar Shave Club. Shave time, shave money. You get it? Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr or click on the Dollar Shave banner, Dollar Shave Club banner. Sorry on the bottom of the podcast page at billburr.com. All right. Hulu Plus, everyone. I'm sure you've tried hulu.com. If you hadn't, if you haven't done that, I'm sure that's why your friends aren't talking to you anymore. All right. But if you have been to hulu.com, I want to tell you about Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you watch thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere, streaming on your TV or go with it or you can put it

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On me, when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner, I'll go to huluplus.com slash bill. Please make sure you use huluplus.com bill so you can get an extended free trial. And so they know that we sent you. All right. Helps me keep the lights on here and gives you a better deal. One more time for extended free trial of huluplus.com. Hey, we only got one more. I might as well knock it out. E voice. E voice everybody. If you're an entrepreneur and a custom customer, let me try that again. Bill Bird reads E voice. Take two. E voice. If you're an entrepreneur. Sorry guys. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I went out last night. Bill Bird reads E voice. Take three. E voice. If you

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now you can try E voice for free for 30 days. Go to E voice.com and use the promo code bill. That's E voice.com promo code bill or just go to the podcast page at bill bird.com and click on the email, the E voice banner. Sorry. All right. That's the advertising for this week. That's always a great way to end advertising. Sorry. I apologize. I'm not qualified for the job. All right. What else did I want to talk about this week? Have you guys been checking out what's going on over there in Egypt, man? That's just a goddamn tragedy over there. Those people, you know what? Democracy is too, it's too new over there. You elected a guy, it turns out you elected the wrong guy. You didn't like him. You just got to wait

for the next election and then you vote the bum out. You know, you don't fucking just demand the guy leaves. You do that. Here comes the army. Right? You're sitting there with fucking rocks and a dream. I don't know. It doesn't work out too good. Um, all right. This is a fucking disjointed podcast I've ever heard one. I swear to God, sometimes I really wonder why you guys continue to listen. Oh, Bill, stop fucking me. Oh, you know, Bill, what are you going to be like that guy who threatens to kill himself and never does just so he can hear so much people love him. I don't know why you listen to that. Oh, Bill, don't stop podcasting. We love your podcast and your red cunt. All right. Follow up on salads.

Let's get into the, uh, the emails for the week. Oh, oh, you know what? I didn't finish last week was I started to say I was actually rooting for a rod and people mentioned that I forgot to say why. Um, I don't know why it was something about everybody booing them. That just made me just, just the level with which people were booing the guy, you know, and I'm a complete, look, this is how I look at it. I can't judge the dude. The only way you could boom like that is if you lived a perfect life. All right. All that money on the fucking table. Come on. Complete piece of shit like me. You think I'm not going to fucking do some roids to hang in the game? Do you think if they made a steroid that allowed

you to read advertising smoothly that I wouldn't be on the juice right now just so I could stay in the podcasting league for another couple of years or two for the kids I don't have to feed. Um, there's, you know what it is? I don't like how people they, uh, I don't think it's fair that they look at like entertainers and athletes the way they do and start saying this was wrong with this country. They still going down like that. And then they just fucking let bankers go. If they, if they gave just as much more shit to bankers and then they came on athletes and entertainers like that, I'd be like, all right, that makes sense. That makes sense to me. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go. I'm going to fucking

start my own trading cards rather than tops like baseball or football cards. I'm going to start mine. It's going to be banker cards. So everybody knows what they look like and their fucking stats will be on the back. All the horrific shit that they did. And I don't know. Maybe they get booed when they're on the way to their lobster fucking encrusted lunch. Will that be nice every once in a while? So there you have it for some stupid reason. I'm rooting for a rod. I want to be hit him a bunch of fucking home runs. And I don't know what after that. Just because everybody I'm only a few people Buddha might still be against them. But the fact that everybody was just fucking trash and a couple of people had signs.

But some morons said the other day, you know, it's good. All these PDs really puts that Pete Rose. They get a perspective like it. No, no, it doesn't. No, it doesn't gambling is the worst fucking thing you can do. It's worse than PDs. It's worse than an individual cheating. All right, you're talking about when you start gambling, you're talking about throwing the game. Then it becomes wrestling. Right. And I'm not saying that on a certain level that you're you're up in the ante with the PDs, you definitely are. But gambling is the worst. The outcome of the game cannot be decided before the fucking game starts. You can't have people doing that shit. All right, you want to take some go go juice and

maybe change the outcome? I think that's half as bad. Why is my voice? You know what? I was in a bar last night screaming over music. It's not as bad. And for everybody who's going to send me a fucking email about it at bill at the mm podcast.com. I'm telling you right now I'm closed off to your opinions. You can try and sway me, but I don't want to fucking hear it gambling on baseball. It's the worst thing you can do. That's why they have it over every every thing. When you walk down the tunnel, that's what they have. Oh, by the way, don't go out there and throw the game. This isn't wrestling. All right, put on your aqua, Velva, go out there and try all right. Sorry, follow up on salads, people. Bill, I

make salads for a living while eating vegetables from your grocery stores. Better than nothing. Oh, Jesus Christ. Are you going to talk about pesticides and then kill me? He goes, you should urge your listening listeners to go to independent farm stands. I'm from New England and they're everywhere. Try smelling a peach that's from a farm versus one from the grocery store. This guy's a hundred percent right. Yes, you should go to a farmers market. The one from the grocery store won't smell at all. It's because they picked it too soon and lacks up to 75% of the nutrients. Yeah, that's why tomatoes taste like shit. And people when they make a completely salad, they'll fucking put the balsamic vinaigrette on it

to try them or you make a, when you make your pizza sauce, they always in and throwing, you know, whatever fucking third a cup of sugar, depending on how much you fucking use it. But that that's the natural sweetness that isn't in the tomato. Because from what I've kind of read on a website, maybe like, Hey, maybe you can handle this fuckhead.com. I think I went to that and they were talking about tomatoes. Oh, anyways, once, once you basically the, the fruit of the vegetable gets all its, all its nutrients from the vine or the branch, the tree, whatever the fuck it's hanging from, right? So once you yank that off, it's over. Okay. I can't use that reference. I wasn't talking about taking a

baby out of a womb too early. That's disgusting because we're talking about eating something. All right. Jesus Christ. Anyways, yeah, if you go down to your farmers market, it's much better. That's what he's trying to say. But I've actually seen the thing where they, they're starting to infiltrate the farmer's markets because those cunts can just not make enough money. But anyways, thank you for the follow up. I would have liked if you gave me a recipe for a couple of salads, if you make salads for a living, that would be great. Help help the listeners out. Give us a little variety. Give again, I want three here, one to ease somebody in to the fact that they're eating a salad. If they went from eating a goat's

head every goddamn day. And then the second one, I don't know, make it down a medium sized one. And then the last one is if you just want to shit your brains out and have energy of Superman. All right. How about how about how about three salads like that? That's my request, sir. Thank you. Send it to the to bill at the mm podcast.com. All right. All right. Here we go. Follow up from a lady. Hey, Billy, I'm a lady. Just want to offer a piece of advice referring to the guy on your last podcast who called in about his ex-girlfriend texting him after they had broken up. She says, I've actually been one of those country girls you were talking about and have broken up with guys in the past. My advice to guys listening

out there is the absolute best thing you could do when an ex calls or texts you is to remain completely bored sounding on the phone. Oh, completely bored signing on the phone. Never text to call them back. Sound is distant and un and as uninterested as possible when talking to them. Guaranteed the ex will never call ever call again because it's humiliating. That was my experience. Anyways, your advice was correct that you need to just cut the cancer out, delete from cell phone, unfriend, et cetera, et cetera. Hope you read this out loud. Okay. Sometimes it helps to put a finger under each word when reading. She said just being cheeky. God, I hate that fucking word. Are you being cheeky? All right. So there's

great advice from a lady. There you go. She says just sound completely as completely bored and uninterested as possible. It's humiliating to them. Yeah. Cause you're really, you know what you're doing? You're pouring water on their lightsaber basically. Does that make any sense? Well, lightsaber looks more like a dick. What am I trying to say? Was there anything that somebody used as a Jedi that kind of looked like a fucking pot that lit up that you could pour water on? Was that electricity? That's what I was thinking. You pour water on. What would that do? It probably zap your hand if you had a metal fucking. My reference is a fucking terrible this week. You're shutting off their, I don't know, you're

turning off their pussy gas lamp above their pussy. You're just putting it out. The best thing to do is you just fucking get away from them. Are they going to make your life a living hell? That's what they do. They don't duke it out except for those broads on the UFC. Jab to the, to the tip, jab to the tip, uppercut to the fucking areola. These body blows up brutal. Kick to the womb. Oh, right in the VJJ. She's got a fucking hang of friend. The standard eight count. All right. Was he a virgin? Dear Billy, dear Bill. First of all, I'd like to say I'm a huge fan from your hometown of a walk. A Luca Macadooka. You are a comedian. You are my comedian crush. I absolutely love you. Well, you've obviously never met me.

I'm a piece of shit and I'm difficult to live with. So why don't you set your standards a little higher? This is not the problem. I was celibate for almost two years. I grew tired of it and decided to sleep with the guy. I've liked for a little, I'd like for a little, but I didn't know him too well. Let me start by saying honestly, this isn't something I do ever, but I needed to get laid. It was a slutty thing to do. No, it wasn't. It wasn't. All right. It wasn't. You fucking have that urge. Whatever you went out, you did it. What the fuck are you going to do? But oh, well, I was good long. I was good for long enough. Anyways, he's a little socially awkward and quiet, which I initially thought

was cute, but found out there's a lot more awkwardness in him. I don't know. The date itself was awkward, but I was horny and he's a nice guy. So I wanted to get, so I wanted to get it in. All right. First, it's not fucking around here. Um, he started by nestling his head in my breast and rubbing his nose on them in between and all around. He did this also when I got on top of him, but when he did it, he, he did something extremely strange. He squeezed my breast very rapidly, almost as if to honk them. I laughed at first because I thought he was playing, but he kept doing that. And then he did the same thing to my ass multiple times. Oh my God. She says, I'm well in doubt in both of those areas. So I

understand him playing with them, but something was strange about it. This is really fucking weird me out. I don't know why. I go, go, go, go, go, go, go and beat you down a little bit. Was he doing it like at the same time? Or was he like alternating with each hands? He should have been doing that while winking either eye, you know, just completely freaking you out. Occasionally sticking his tongue out. You go into some sort of fucking epileptic seizure. Anyway, she said, when he touched me anywhere else, he would only use the palm of his hand. At one point we were laying next to each other on the bed. Maybe he just doesn't know what he's doing. And I guess he remembered, I said, I liked my hair pulled so he randomly

grabbed a fist full of my hair and yanked it. This sounds like somebody who can't dance trying to dance to something up tempo. This is fucking horrific. I feel horrible for this guy. Like this is like, this is such a bad performance. This is like a first round draft pick bust, like three games in you, like, Oh my God, what did we just throw a million dollars at? This is over. Give this guy a clipboard. Anyways, she said we were not even having sex yet. And it wasn't like he guided my head to his lap or anything. What? When we finally did have sex, it lasted less than a minute and I'm not exaggerating. When he told me he was about to finish, I told him to get on top so he could have more control.

But he put all of his body weight on me and was done in half a stroke. All in one. All right. He fucking threw the Hail Mary. Again, I'm not exaggerating. He went down on me to compensate and I'll spare you further details. But he knew nothing about what he was doing. Yeah, I kind of gathered that. I was nice throughout this because I never thought because I never would want to give anyone a complex. But when you fucking said where you live, that's why I feel bad about this. I'm gonna have to have that bleeped out. I'm gonna bleep that out. I don't want to fucking blow up anybody's phone at 38 minutes in. All right. All right. 39 minutes in. I'll spare you the further details, but he knew nothing about

what he was doing. I was nice throughout this because I never want to give anyone a complex, but dude, what the fuck? Did I just fucking autistic man or a virgin? He's 26 and he's a sweet guy. I almost want to teach him, but I don't want to insult him. Any advice? All right. Well, first things first, do you like the guy? Do you even like the guy before you get involved in this, the money pit here as far as fixer up houses goes? I don't know. I don't know if you were just trying to be funny, but from the way you describe this, you know, there has to be a jumping off point. Who knows? Who knows? Maybe, maybe, I don't fucking know. 26 years old. I don't know. And he's fucking grabbing your ass. Like,

if you see somebody who knows how to make an omelet really quick and can fucking open them up eggs with one hand, like he's doing that with your fucking titties in your ass, it's just weird. But you see, all right, I'm going to go with you like him because what can you do? Jesus Christ, where to start? You didn't even mention him kissing you. You know, I don't know. I think this guy's fucking weird. The fuck was with the nose all around your titties. I don't know what to tell you. I got to give you advice here because this is the advice part. I almost want to teach him. I don't want to insult him any advice. How the fuck do you go about it? It's just such a fucking, you know, usually when you

give somebody advice, you know, who's sensitive, what you do is you compliment the things that they did well first, and then you ease into they, this could maybe use a little work here, not saying you're bad because you did this. Well, just saying this over here. Maybe is there, did he do anything? Well, how was he when he pulled his pants back up? Was that pretty smooth? You know, he gets balls stuck in the zipper. Was he able to not do that? Maybe he could start with that. Ah, Jesus, isn't this, this is why women are so amazing. The fact that she's actually willing to work with this, she's going to try to make this work. I don't, I don't know. I guess I would try and figure out something that he did well,

and I would compliment that and then I would just start chipping away at the mountain. I wouldn't try to bring the whole mountain down in one day. But, you know, just know you, you get, you get a long fucking road ahead of you. Jesus Christ, he took two years off from sex and now you, you know, it sounds like you having sex with like the first robot ever. And there was somebody off like controlling them, you know, and they, they had an inability to, to, they have robot hands caress. So it went, you know, commands corrects caressing me. It was needing dough. Oh Jesus. Hey, good luck with that. I'm sorry. I got to start sending DVDs to people who I just can't fucking come up with anything. I got, I got nothing.

All right. Nicknames. Bill, what is the best way to respond to a nickname that you hate? I recently got one due to a simple rhyme with my name. I didn't do anything stupid or country to earn it. It was funny at first, but after a few months I find myself getting annoyed and angry when called by my, by this name. Most people have moved on and stopped calling me that. However, two or three people still greet me with it every chance they get. How do I shed this name without looking like a douche and potentially making things worse? All right. First of all, you don't let on how much it bugs you. And then what you do is you come back, giving them the fucking howitzer. All right. You got to come back

with the anti-aircraft. You got to look, you got to come up with nicknames for these fucking people. Just start with one guy. Don't do all three at once. They'll know what you're up to. Just pick one guy. All right. We're going to slowly whack these guys. One, one by one. Get this dude, that guy, then you get mow green through his fucking glasses and we're done. They got a big nose. Something physically fucked up about their face. They got man tits. They'll get it real quick. They're calling you something. Yeah, what's up there? Flabby tits or man tits or just something, something about them that you know that they hate about themselves. Hopefully something that's unfixable. You know, unless they went

under the knife and God knows what don't do it in Romania, right? That's what I would do. But the first thing you do, it do not let on that it bugs you. So when they call you, whatever they call you, just sort of laugh, big smile, and then you just fucking hit him with you give me all right there, Fred. All right, that'll shut him up. Hopefully. That's what I would do. Or you just quit your job. All else fails. You get the fuck out of there. Change your name. But the worst thing you want to do is go stop. Then that just it's fucking it's over. It's over. Then you have live action Twitter in your fucking life, getting trash 24 seven live action Facebook or whatever. All right, embarrassing. Bill,

I can't spell for shit. So let so let it go before you start hitching. You know what, fuck yourself. I got to sit here and I got to undo all of this. Embarrassing. He spells that wrong. Embarrassing. Embarrassing. He spelled it E M B A R S S I N G C people. I'm not the only one dumb. I'm just going to read this how he wrote it. I can't spell for shit. So let so let it go before you start hitching. Funny story wanted to share it with capital Y A. I promise this is true. An older man I know had gotten a vasectomy. He spelled it right with it with this new age laser laser treatment. They do. It's an in and out kind of treatment now was asked to come back a week or two later to make sure everything held

up the way it was supposed to. When he got there, he told the lady behind the desk why why he was there and she handed him a cup and told him they needed a sample and pointed to the bathroom. Oh no. Did she mean jizz or whiz? Waiting which was filled with people F Y I. He went in and 15 minutes later came out with a cup of man goo and proceeded to walk past the people and place the cup on their desk. She slowly looked up at him and told him in front of everyone that she only needed a urine test. Oh my God. I really hope that's true. How do you fucking? Well, she only gave him a cup. The fuck was he supposed to do? They hand you a cup. That means that means to rub one out, right? They hand you

to give you that plastic bottle that means you're supposed to paint it. They do that shit all the time at doctor's offices. Like they just forget because they're there and it doesn't mean shit and they will just yell out, you know, anything. You just come walking in. Hey, Dr. So-and-so. Hey, how are you? Did it clear up? What clear up? And they immediately think he's got something on his balls, man. Is that contagious? That's fucking hilarious. God damn it. That's fucking embarrassing. I wonder what kind of a bathroom it was. Did it have multiple toilets and people coming in there and pissing and he's over there? They probably make a noise because the doctor because he feels the doctor said to do it that it's like somehow okay. Oh,

by the way, this is sort of a hacky shit joke and I don't want to do it on stage. But I'm sick of people complaining about people blowing out the bathroom. Oh my God, this guy came in fucking blew out the bathroom. Well, maybe next time he should take a shit in the kitchen. You know, that's what that's what it's for. It's a it's designed so you can sit down and take a shit. You want him to go outside in the yard? It's like being mad bacon smells like bacon. Jesus, what the fuck did you eat? I don't know something healthy. And then it stayed in me for a couple of fucking days. It went through nine miles of intestinal, you know, clinging on other shit that what was your shit smell like? I never understood that. Like when I go into a bathroom

and somebody blew it out, I fucking makes me laugh. Just a face you're making trying not to smell it's fucking hilarious. That said, when that and when people get mad that babies cry on planes, when babies start crying on planes, I just start laughing. Because I just feel like they're expressing everything that I'm feeling, but I'm not socially allowed. I would love to just start crying. I don't want to be on another fucking plane. The second they say expedite the boarding process, I just want to start fucking crying. Anyways, X won't move out. Oh, Jesus, Christ, here's a fucking situation. Hey, Bill, huge fan of yours love that love the Monday morning podcast. I will keep this short as I know you don't like to read. I like to read. I'm just not

good at it. I'm like someone who likes to play drums, but stinks at it. I recently bought a house and asked my girlfriend of three years to move in with me. We have been living together for about six months. And then we broke up. She was the worst. All of my friends and families did not like her and she wouldn't let me hang out with friends. No, no, no. Well, let's let's put that in proper perspective. It's not that she wouldn't let you hang out with friends. She asked you not to and you agreed to it. All right, you have you have the power, sir. Anyways, she wouldn't let me hang out with my friends or watch any games with friends ever capital all all in caps. I tried to get her to hang out with with her friends, but she was so insecure. She never trusted me even after

three years of loyalty. Anyways, we broke up about three weeks ago. No one cheated, lied or stole from one another. It was just time to move on. However, she keeps saying she's going to move out, but doesn't. I don't want to throw her out on the street, but what do I do? But I do want her out, as it's just not healthy for me to keep living with her. Also, she refuses to pay any bills or help with the mortgage. What's a fair amount of time to give her before I just go legal on her? Well, hindsight's 2020. You should have told her from day one when she had to be out by the fact that she's not paying any bills or anything like that. I mean, it's just like I would just hit her with a little two pronged attack here. I would just go listen. We broke up three. How would you dip

into this fuck? Oh, give us a fuck. I was going to say, hey, apartment hunting coming. I would just go right at it. I would just say, listen, it's been three weeks and I really don't think it's healthy for us to be around each other. When do you think you're going to be out of here by? And let her answer. And then just say, listen, I will, I need you to be out by this date, because I have to get somebody else in here to help me with the mortgage. You're not paying any bills or helping me with the mortgage. So this isn't fair to me. So you need to be out of here. And her name isn't on the mortgage. So worst case scenario, one day she goes to work, you call in sick, pack up all this shit and fucking put it out on the front lawn. You're out.

And what's she going to say? What's she going to do? Call the fucking cops? You don't have to go legal on her. Get the fuck out of here. This is my house. We broke up. Get out. Out. You. Out. Get out. I don't actually, I don't know if she has any anything legal. I have no idea. I don't fucking know. But that's what I would do. I would give her a definitive date. You need to be out by this time. And I don't know. What else? I don't want to do my, my, there's a stupid. We get it. We're on the Mississippi with the fucking horn. I get it. Just make up some shit, too. I need you out by the 15th of next month. You know, my uncle, my second uncle lives in Tennessee. He's got tuberculosis. He's moving in. And he's bringing that machine with him. So you got to get the fuck

out of here. All right. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. I know it was kind of a short one. Oh, Jesus, 52 minutes. I can't do that to you. Well, I could. Technically, I could. If I wanted to, if I wanted to be a dick about it. I just got, I got a bunch of scenes tomorrow and I got to learn all my fucking lines. That's why I'm doing this thing early. Hey, you got to admit when I'm shooting something, the fucking podcast comes out on time. This is going to be three weeks in a row of this thing being out like Sunday night in most areas. So how about a little props? You know, how about for once, you don't give me shit. You actually give me a little bit of a fuck, I got to be somewhere in 40 minutes. God damn it. All right. This is an extra short one. I apologize. I'll

try and make it up with a longer one over the last couple of weeks. So they have been long. All right, I got to get moving here. Fucking Christ. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast also and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. When you go to the podcast page at billbird.com, click on the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com slash bill. That's huluplus.com slash bill. Thank you for listening. Oh, everybody in Scotland, the Glasgow date is on sale. I have the link up on billbird.com and Monday today, when I guess when you're listening to this, we added a

second show at the Beacon Theater in New York City. So I'll be adding a link for that. When I get to time, I think the entire European date is up there. All those tickets are on sale. What else went on sale? San Jose, Seattle, Philly, and I think DC, I think all of those are on sale. So I got a bunch of shows out there that are all on sale. Oh, People of Scotland. It would be great if you showed up, by the way, because we had to really fight with them to find some sort of venue because they didn't think anybody was going to show up when I was out there. So I'm at some venue that has a lower area in an upper area. So I don't know, let's see if we can get a couple of people up in the upper deck too, if you can. All right, just call every cut, you know, and come on down. All right,

I have at least a new hour and a half since the last time I was fucking there. I want to be great if you came down and saw it. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Don't take any shit, go fuck yourselves, and I'll talk to you next Monday. Deleize is presenting with your My Deleize App.