Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-19-19

Episode Date: August 19, 2019

Bill rambles about MotoGP, cooking shows, and inheritances.

Hey, what's going on? Jesus, listen to my voice here. It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday, August 19th, 2019. What's going on? How are you? I'm fighting off a cold here. Oh, fucking Billy Flanders. Oh, William, no vice. You know, not drinking, not smoking cigars, not enjoying life. Now look at me. I get a goddamn cold, you know, from running around doing nothing. I got nothing. I've actually been like looking up pictures of cigars online since I've decided that I'm going to lay off them for a while. And I think that's when you know you have some sort of addictive problem. You know, if you lay off heroin, you start looking up pictures of spoons. Sorry, it's early in the

morning. I actually am not as sick as I sound right now. But anyway, anyway, oh, Billy's back in LA. The big Hollywood phony came back to town right before this city got some credibility and I dragged him right back down into the mud. I am beyond excited. I have nothing to fucking do. And I'm going to keep it that way for a while. I'm just going to chill out. You know, anticipating the beginning of the NFL, what, but football season, very excited to watch Tom Brady try to go for number seven. I just pause there for all you fucking Brady haters be like, Oh, fuck that guy. He's fucking cheater. Yes, he's better looking and he'll achieve more this season than you ever will in your life. So, you know, you're just going

to have to take that. All right, did you just punch a dashboard? That isn't true. I'm ethical. We played flag football for our company picnic in July. And I told the cornerback on the other team that issue is untied. I am a better person. Maybe you are, but you're not better looking. Tom Brady will always have that on you. All right, just fucking with you. By the way, I finally got all caught up on my MotoGP season. I watched the last two races. And if you ever thought about getting into racing, if you just want to have something cool to talk about with a lovely lady within your vicinity and you think, Hey, maybe if I talk really loudly about motorcycle racing, she'll be like, Oh my God, who is that? You know, and then you could have Tom Brady's life

minus his great looks, right? Get yourself a lovely lady. You got to watch MotoGP. It's the best fucking racing out there. Fuck those pickup trucks, fuck stock car racing, fuck formula one, fuck everything. This is the best fuck Ninja warrior. All right, fuck the next presidential race, the best fucking race out there, fuck the space race. All right, fuck the lobbyist MotoGP is where it's at. You got to watch this last one from Austria. It's Spielberg. All right, the two top racers, Andres DeVizioso and Marc Marquez had like a race that you'd put in a fucking Hollywood film, like the last couple laps, specifically the last lap, and they've done it, but they've done it like three fucking times just the two of them. Fucking DeVizioso coming

on the brakes late, right? Fucking passing Marquez and then Marquez would undercut him coming out of the turn. They did that. I lost count. How many times they did that? And then they get to the final fucking turn. I don't give a shit. I'm selling this sport here. Spoiler alert, final fucking turn. It looks like Marquez has it one Honda hasn't ever or Marquez has never won there. The Ducati's just dominate for whatever reason in Austria. And it looks like he's going to finally win the coming out of the final turn and DeVizioso fucking passes them. And you see the frustration of Marquez. He did like a fucking wheelie like fuck, like I had the guy. You got to watch the replay because this guy who looks like he's like 80 years old in the part of the pit crew

or the racing team of Ducati and he's going fuck it. He looks like me the first time I went to an AC DC concert and I couldn't believe I was in the same building. I was like fucking 80 jumping up and down, slapping this other guy on his back, going fucking nuts. It's just the best racing out there. I still have questions, you know, that I need answered being, uh, you know, I'm not a gearhead. I'm more of a Jiffy loop guy. That's my pit crew. I go to Jiffy loop. This is what I don't understand as far as Suzuki goes. I don't get why they are so underpowered. Like whenever they get on the straightaway, if they're winning, if somebody's, you know, DeVizioso on his, uh, uh, what the fuck he's driving there is Ducati and Marc Marquez on his

Honda. They just blow by him like they're on a regular street bite. I don't get that. I know certain teams have more money or whatever. All right, but Valentino Rossi rides a Suzuki or does he ride a Yamaha? Yamaha is the same fucking problem. I think he rides a Yamaha. I don't fucking get it. Like the, just the amount of t-shirts and hats, the merch that Rossi still fucking sells, you know, what do you, they, you don't have as much horsepower as those. So you're lighter. So you're more nimble in the turns. Is that why they do it? I can, you know, as a fucking novice, I can tell you that strategy isn't working. Um, can anybody explain that to me? The love of God, can you help a fucking guy who goes to Jiffy Lube, figure that out? But, um,

anyway, the next race is on August 25th in Britain. All right, Lewis Hamilton's fucking home ground there. I imagine it might be the same track. He always seems to win there over there and formula one, not shit, not formula. I shouldn't have said formula one because I still like formula one, but, um, I would, I can't recommend enough going to the Moto G website, signing up. You can watch all the races this year, and you can watch races in the past, which I've been doing. I watched one from 2002 and, uh, and this great one from 2001 where the track was so wet, they were going around turns that looked like when I took the motorcycle safety course, the way I first started taking

turns. I mean, they're literally almost upright. Um, been watching this guy, Bajio or something like that. He was one of the great guys back then. I'd heard his name. So I'm getting to see and it's also great just to see motorcycles with like cigarette companies, you know, the old Marlboro ones like, uh, they used to be a big one back in the day or Harry Gantt with the skull bandit car, right? Had fucking tobacco. I mean, that was the fucking, that was like the perfect storm of fucking just redneck stock car racing. Fucking bring your own bear. Welcome race fans. And he's in his number one sponsor is fucking chewing tobacco. You know, that's the America that I remember. Make America great again. Let cigarette companies get back into racing.

I know. I know. I was actually looking at the fellow Dean Del Rey on, uh, Instagram and he took this thing. I mean, I'm not a, uh, cigarette smoker. I'm a cigar smoker, but, uh, I didn't realize packs of cigarettes are like fucking over $12 each. I still don't understand how crime is going down with all those fucking, everybody just vapes now. Cause I went to a cigar store and I'm standing in line like, look at all these young kids going to fucking buy some stogies. You know, who said generation Z and generation millennial, whatever you call them are all this big fucking problem. You know, um, and then they just while in there buying like vape juice, can I get the mango fucking tango thing, whatever it is. Aren't you kids worried about that popcorn

lung? No, we're young man. We're going to live forever. Well, let me wag my old fucking index finger at you. You kids need to stay away from that shit as I fucking smoke cigars like Cuba just reopened for free trade. Oh, an international joke. Jesus, Bill. It's probably incorrect. You know, you made an attempt, made an attempt at it. Um, yeah. So what are you been doing, Bill, with all your free time? No call time. No call time. Oh, thing of beauty. I decide when I get up, well, my kid does, but whatever. I've just been hanging out with my kid, uh, having a great time, you know, took her to go ride some, she likes riding the ponies. She doesn't bet on the ponies. She likes riding the ponies, took her on a merry go round.

We've been going swimming, just having the best time ever starting the day with the smoothie. You know, big LA phony. I have a smoothie. That's what I do. I eat well for like a couple of days in a row and then I just have a fucking, you know, I have one of those meals that makes the, uh, American Heart Association be like, well, it looks like we're still going to be in business. We can still send out our fucking warnings. Um, but it seems to be working for me. Laying off the, I'll tell you right now, I've all my, I think all my fucking, when I was old, Billy fat face, Billy fat again, Billy McFat again, I was, uh, it was all booze because I'm still, you know, I'm eating pretty good. I'm eating pretty good, but I'm still fucking,

you know, I'm getting after the burgers and the pizza here. And I'm, I don't have to tell you my fucking pasty torsos looking all right. It's looking all right. So speaking of which, 200 and fucking 60 something days, no booze. 266, right? Is that what it was? 266, 267, 268, 268 fucking days, 38 weeks in. I'm getting down to the home stretch. You're taking a fucking year off. You know, well, I'm going to go right through December because I always want to go January 1st to December 31st. Then I was thinking, I'd also like to go an entire birthday. Like I never drank when I was 51. So then I'd have to go to June the next year, which at this point, I mean, it's not that bad. It's nice and easy. You know, I haven't had to apologize for any fucked up thing

I said or how late I stayed out. Can you hear the crushing mind numbing boring boredom of not fucking drinking? I'm getting eight hours like doing crossword puzzles again. I did play like four hours of drums over the last two days. Getting back into that actually playing on a drum kit, having a fucking great time. That's it. And tomorrow I'm going to be up in San Francisco with the punchline because the punchline needed saving. It's one of my favorite comedy clubs in the world. And they were, they lost their lease. They were going to shut it down. So I said, well, god damn, and I'm going to get up there and get another fucking night in before they shut down. And the whole thing was going to have a sad ending. And then Dave Chappelle showed up with a cape on

and talked to the president of fucking San Francisco. And he talked him into not closing it down so they didn't lose their lease. But I'm still going up there anyway. I used to go up there and work out new material on Mondays morose Mondays, I'd go up there and work it out just haven't had the time. So I'm heading back up there tomorrow with Joe Bartnick, the guy, the where I met Joe Bartnick. The mid 2000s. The first time I went up there on a headline, Molly paired me up with him and literally 90 seconds into watching his act. I was like, I fucking love this guy. So we're going to be doing it again. That's going to be tomorrow night. And then I think my next date is September 6th in Las Vegas. And then I'm going to hang around for our next day to go see

Elton John because I know he's on his final tour. That's been going on for like fucking nine years or something. But you know, he's getting up there. Want to make sure I go see that guy. And that's it. I think I just have information for you this week. You know, Red Sox hanging in there. We're hanging in there. We're like six and a half back on the wildcard. I don't know. I'd take a hell of a fucking last five weeks to overcome that. So I don't know. We shall see. The Yankees now have the best record in the American League. What does that mean though? It's just a regular season. How many times can they beat the Orioles? I think the Orioles didn't beat them once this year.

And I got news for you Yankee fans. Those Baltimore Orioles are not going to be facing you come play off time. All right. But just as a sports fan and someone who doesn't have irrational hate for other teams like the Yankees, I don't really even hate the Yankees. I hate their fans. And the only reason why I really hate their fans is because I lived in New York City during the height of the curse of the babe. So, you know, most of my friends were comedians and Yankee fans. And I'll just say that they were not nice. But I am a fan of the success of that franchise. You have to respect it. You just have to. So as mentioned, that this is the last year of this decade, they have to win the title this year to continue a ridiculous streak that nobody

can touch, even if they don't win it, is they would have won at least one World Series in the last hundred years, every single decade, except for the 1980s. All right. They won like fucking three or four, 96, 98, 99. They won 2000, 2009. Nothing in the 80s. They won 77 and 78. They won a couple two, three at the beginning of the 60s and then 30s, 40s and 50s. They won five, six or seven, it seemed. Let's look up the fucking Yankee titles, man, even as a Red Sox fan. I mean, you gotta give it up. You gotta give it up. Even almost those Yankee fans fucking won't give it up to the Patriots, because that's just how they are. A bunch of spoiled kids. All right. I just love starting shit from people. All right. Let's look up New York Yankees. All right. New York Yankees.

Cleveland beat him eight for four last night. Everybody's sleeping on Terry Francona. Terry Francona, not a joke. Can he bring them a championship the way Theo Epstein left the Red Sox, the curse killer Theo Epstein, curse of the goat, curse of the babe. He gave both of them the old fucking right there, Fred. All right. World Series titles. Oh my God. I gotta get out my glasses. I don't have glasses yet. I need them though. All right. So in the 60s, they won one in 61 and 62 and the 1950s, they won 1950, 51, 52, 53 and 56 and 58. They won six World Series in the fucking fifties.

The forties, they won 41, 43, 47 and 49. They won four and helped to win a World War. In the thirties, they won 32, 36, 37, 38, 39. They won five. The twenties, 23, 27 and 28. So they, in the twenties, they won three. They won five in the thirties, four in the forties and six in the fifties. That was it. It's like mock, mock ass when he gets out front and it did a couple of races this year, right? There you go. There's the motorcycle version of it. And he just fucking decides like, I don't feel like dealing with you assholes for the rest of this race and within fucking 10 laps. He has like a fucking 10 second lead here.

And then they came back down to earth in the sixties and only one two and in the seventies, only one two, one zero in the eighties came back with a vengeance in the nineties. I mean, that's fucking amazing. 27 World Series title, 40 American League pennants. I got to give them a little shit about the pennants. Basically, back in the day, winning the pennant, all that meant was you had the best record in the American League. There was no playoff playoffs. There was no place. Let's see how many teams there were back then. 19 MLB 1930 standings. It was like, like 12 teams, I think. All right, the American League. Let's see here. 1930 Major League baseball standings.

Much of a fucking nerd of mine. All right, there was 16 teams. So there was eight and eight. So there's no reason for like a bunch of rounds of playoffs. Okay, you had the Philadelphia athletics. I believe the St. Louis Browns who later became the Orioles, unless Baltimore is there. Jesus Christ. I don't even know half of these fucking abbreviation, the Washington Senators, Chicago, White Sox, Chicago Cubs, the New York Giants, the New York Yankees, the Brooklyn Dodgers, the Cleveland Indians, the Pittsburgh Pirates, Detroit Tigers, BSN. Who the fuck is that? St. Louis Cardinals. Yeah, they did that. The St. Louis Browns.

Who the fuck is BSN? Cincinnati Reds, one of the oldest teams along with the Phillies and the Boston Red Sox. Wait a second. Who the fuck is BSN? The Boston Braves. Oh, yeah. So there was only 16 teams. So it was eight and eight. So if you just, if you won the American League, then you won the pennant back then. I don't know when they had the first, the first time they had the rounds of playoffs. But I mean, it is what it is. I mean, you have more fucking teams, you know, you got to have more rounds of playoffs, but that's what I don't like when I watch like fucking these sports networks and have some punk kid. He just recorded the most wins ever in a play out in a year play up. I mean, you, you start talking about forever

and you start thinking of some of those names. You could really appreciate what this case is. Now they play more fucking games. All of this shit. All right, they fucking, and then, and then you got on the other side where there's less where you guys were sitting there telling me about how the Atlanta Falcons were the fucking best defense, the 77 or something like that. They only fucking played 14 games. The regular season, two less fucking games. Yeah, they're going to give up less fucking yards. All right, you want to go average. Still, you're playing two less games. That's two less games. The offense has completely fucking changed. You like how I just acted like you guys argued that fucking point. Nobody ever

argued that point. I just made that up. And you know what? God damn it. The president could do it then sell the fucking eye. Make up whatever the fuck I want. Fucking sitting here down on my basement all by myself podcasting. You don't think I'm going to go a little bit crazy here drinking emergency? I'm not gonna lie to you. When I first started talking on this podcast, I was a little frightened about the sound of my voice, you know. Hey, do you think you know you're possessed when you get fucking possessed? Like where do you go? When the devil possesses you? Where does the person go? That's like when you black out, you know, like you went to bed, but somebody else kept walking around as you talking to people saying all those things, you know, you got to get your ideas out there, man.

That's what blackout you does. You got to tell everybody what you're thinking, man, free yourself up. This is gonna be the dumbest search ever. Where do you go when you're, you know, somebody answered this is why I love the internet. The internet is awesome. This is where all the answers are. You know, I'm not saying they're right, but you there's an answer to every single question you have. Factual or most likely not. Okay, where do you go when you're possessed by the devil? How to tell if you're possessed by a demon? Well, I think the fact if you're searching for this, you're not possessed. You're probably just an asshole. All right, how to tell if you're possessed by a demon? Jesus Christ, I got to tell you guys what sort of advertising I'm going to get.

All right, how to tell if you're possessed by a demon reveals exorcist, a famous exorcist reveals how to tell the difference between possessed and having other afflictions. Well, that's a nice way of saying just being an impossible cunt. All right, certainly, you likely don't believe in the possibility of demonic possessions. Can the internet just get to the fucking answer? And nowhere is that more true than when you look up like a fucking recipe. How to make french toast how to make french toast, right? Rather than just cutting to the chase, just be like, you know, breakfast was such a big thing in our household when growing up the sound of the bacon crisping in the fucking frying pan, the bitter pattern of our feet as we get how the fuck do you make it?

I don't need to hear the sound of your fucking pajamas, pant legs, swishing down the fucking stairs. What do you do? You got vanilla in there? You got cinnamon? Just fucking cut to the chase. I don't know what the fuck it is about food people in general. When you watch like the food network, like first of all, there's no happy medium over there. It's either like a ridiculous, ridiculously short amount of time to prepare something with one third of the fucking ingredients that you need, just the most stressful fucking thing ever, which cooking is not supposed to be. It's supposed to be relaxing. It's supposed to be loving. It's supposed to bring people together,

right? Or they have these weird just fucking, you know, those food channel fucking songs where it's just like, literally, it's like, how fucking white are you that that's that you heard that music in your head? How many times have you not been pulled over? How many times have you not read on consp- up on conspiracy theory or even remotely paid attention to what the fuck we're doing to this planet that you can still hear music like that? That you could sit down and write something like that? Like when I think of my fucking utopia, the perfect fucking planet, which you, if you're anywhere, even remotely honest with yourself, it would be oppressive to other people to live in your perfect planet, you know, but that's not how human being brains

work. You go, Oh, my fucking perfect planet. You know, there'd be no war. There'd be no racism. There'd be no homophobia. Everybody would get a fucking chance. Yeah, but we'd still have to listen to your fucking music. All right. I actually argue right now fucking, I'm gonna introduce this argument right now, right off the top of my head. I think right now we're living in a fucking utopia. This is as good as it fucking gets. You know what I mean? A ham and cheese sandwich is only going to be so fucking good. And that's what we are. We're not special. Okay. God didn't make us in his fucking image unless he's a cunt. All right. Anybody out there who has a fucking food blog? I know you're just doing those stupid fucking stories because you have to fill up a

certain amount of space. I actually have empathy for food bloggers. This is how evolved I am as a human being. This is how hard I'm patting myself on the back right now. This is the greatest thing about doing a podcast by yourself. You can just heap compliments on yourself and just feed your fucking ego before any of your loved ones get up and you're already down the fucking road of you. All right. Cruising down me Boulevard. All right. Just letting everybody know what's good. You know, breakfast. It's just such an approach. Just you just fucking, you know, you watch those fucking goddamn shows. They always have like some sort of fucking fresh flowers. You know, no sign of domestic violence. No sign of fucking any like even even lint in the carpet.

Perfect bowls and glasses. Jesus Christ. You think you think there's any correlation to the amount of psychos out there killing all of these fucking peoples that you haven't you noticed that as the food network got more and more popular, people went postal more and more, you know, you got all these fucking fat chicks out there bitching about women who take care of themselves and go to the goddamn gym and make the sacrifice. Nobody wants to eat a salad. All right. These women are out there doing it and these fatties who got no fucking discipline have fucking complained their way onto billboards and the movies when I when I was a kid, they were in the shadows. They had shame.

I think I think the food network. I think if the food network had, you know, just the occasional fucking dirty dish or maybe just maybe a little more melancholy and some of the fucking music, there wouldn't be so many people snapping out there. That's just the theory. I never took any criminal justice course. All right. But you're listening to this podcast most likely on the internet. Okay. And the internet is nothing but answers. Okay. And people are out there asking that question and I'm here to offer an answer without any research without any that that's what the internet is answers without research. Unless you're going for easy ones like, you know, two plus two shit that we can all agree on.

Anyways, how to know if you're possessed by the devil, how to become possessed by the devil, keep watching the fucking food network, just going back and forth between, oh my God, everything's great with this fucking music to holy fuck. There's not enough time to make this Ruben. I don't have the ingredients I need. Certainly. You likely don't believe in the possibility of demon demonic possession and think it's the stuff of Hollywood movies, but it may also be that you've never been possessed by the devil. What are they going to say here? It may also be that you don't really know how to recognize being possessed. I love it. That's right. Present doubt. Sell me this car to remedy this one of the

sexists just shared some of his knowledge. Oh, you mean the guy who makes money off of people believing that this bullshit actually exists? Who the fuck? They were named the most beautiful twins in the world. Wait till you see them today. What is wrong with the fucking internet? I'm fucking sitting here reading about trying to find out if I'm possessed by the devil, and then they got two fucking six year old girl models. What do they look like today? Jesus Christ. Haven't we already seen this? We saw this with the fucking the fucking twins there from that show with like 19 dead. They just rebooted it. Full house. It's like a fucking army barracks with moose. I think that was like one adult woman on that show.

All right, Father Cipriano de Mayo. Oh, you know what? I actually believe who's been been an exorcist since 1952. I would love to see an exorcist in 1952. They're just shaking you by your shoulders as they fucking backhand slap you. Christ's sake, get a hold of yourself. All right. He revealed to the Italian Catholic news agency as a fucking reputable fucking group of people that the key to telling whether you're possessed or suffer from some other possible mental illness. I can't even make the joke here because it's just not funny what those people did is in your reaction to the exorcist himself and the prayers being offered. Or maybe you just fucking having a good time.

Man, that would be, you know, that would be the ultimate fucking prank to call up and say, you know, that my buddies possessed by the devil and then just see if your buddy could sit there flipping around the bed speaking in that deep voice and if he could keep a straight face. And then what you do is you have the devil leave you, right? And then you leave the priest happy like, wow, man, that's like my best whatever. You know, in the end, you're doing dishes, trying to make your kitchen look like you're on the food network. He specified that the exorcist will usually say a prolonged prayer to the point where if the adversary is present, there's a reaction. Yeah, it's called get to the point. A possessed person has various general

attitudes towards an exorcist. This is fucking bullshit. It's just somebody who's not religious who is seen by the adversary as an enemy ready to fight him. Yeah, well, maybe he was a fucking altar boy and he got his fucking little kilt lifted up. The adversary, as you might imagine, is the demonic presence. If you are possessed, you're likely to experience a very unsettling reaction to the exorcist prayer. Oh God, can I read it? Let's see, father, the male described it like this. There's no lack of frightening facial expressions, threatening words or gestures. I've heard it all, man, and other things, but especially blasphemies against God and our lady. I wonder if after you've presented an exorcist when somebody

flips out screaming at you in traffic, if you're able to keep your cool, because it's like, oh, that's nothing. That guy's on like a four. Okay, lady, you want to see a fucking 10 come to work with me someday. All right, basically, you know something, something seriously wrong has taken over you. How many of these people just had like mental illness? You might be skeptical whether a possession can exist at all and your skepticism is justified. Oh, that's good. You're, you're welcoming criticism. I will continue reading. The Catholic Church also takes seriously the possibility that most people with a possession like affliction would not necessarily be possessed. Well, it's nice. You guys take something seriously. Pedophilia, we don't take that too seriously,

but might just exhibit disturbing symptoms. Chances are you will never see a truly possessed person yourself. Now, now where are we going? Look at this old motherfucker. He said, I said, I command you in the name of God and through the power of Padre Matteo. I got to be honest with you, the devil's a little fucking weak. It's just some old guy can come in with a couple of fucking trinkets and say, I command you the power of Christ compels you. You know, I don't understand why the devil isn't just like, you realize those are just man made things that you put together. Those are clearly two sticks of the same size put together perpendicular. You know, if you hold it the other way, it's kind of looks like an X, doesn't it?

Oh my God, is that a lowercase T with a half naked person on it? You know, when the devil just say shit like that? Sorry. All right, I think it's time. I think enough with the exorcism shit. Let's go. Let's uh, well, let's let's read some advertising here. Oh, look who it is. Yeah, me on these me on these. The devil is in my pants to do do do me on these me on these. I need an exorcist. Give me a chance. Shake that cross at my balls. Watch Satan run down the halls. Oh, your balls will be soft and the devil won't be in you. And you'll have an angel on your taint. All right, me on these is here to change your underwear is not literally, but it's here to change the way you think about it. They believe on these shouldn't take themselves too seriously.

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No, if you're fat, if you're fat, this is the difference between being fat and in shape. All right. If you're fat, your underwear is made out of a tent. If you're in shape, your tents made out of your old old underwear. Does that make sense? All right. Oh, look who's here. Honey. Today's show was brought to you by honey. Don't be like that. The easiest way to save money when you're shopping online. Honestly, before you found out about honey, seeing the promo code box at the checkout stressed you out. Like, should you be typing? I'm just saying that because they're saying, I honestly, before I found out about how about honey, seeing promo code,

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did you see Bernie Sanders on Rogan? No, I didn't. Joe Rogan had Bernie Santa too. What was fucking amazing? Do you know, I used to do his podcast when it was just in his house, you know, sitting around a fucking table. Now he's having possibly the next president in the United States. Mark Marin had a standing president. That's fucking incredible. Um, hell of an interview. I would imagine, uh, guess what I'm going to be doing after this. I'm going to be watching that episode. Uh, I'm more of a libertarian slash Democrat myself, and I was impressed. Uh, people were praising it for days, but of course the news media didn't cover it. Of course they don't. However, when Fallon has Alec Baldwin on the couch saying something

edgy, it makes the seven o'clock news and the CNN banner. Yeah, that's because Alec Baldwin cannot affect real change. So they act like, Oh, this is the problem over here. So you don't look at the real thing. It's genius. Anyway, anyways, I like how you wrote it the way I said it. It's funny how the all, how all the, all the liberal outlets have been pushing Joe Biden and other candidates. No one gives a shit about like Kamala. I locked up half. I looked, I locked up half the black guys in California, Harris. Um, I don't know who that is. Bernie is the only candidate that can beat Trump and the people behind the scenes of the democratic party are throwing the whole fight because I think they want to lose. They don't want to lose. What they

have to do is they have to have a made guy. That's what they have to fucking do. That's the amazing thing about Trump is you had a guy who is not a made guy got in there, which makes me actually think that they do count the votes, the fact that he got in there. I think the last election was the reaction to the, the 2008 financial meltdown and all these people were upside down in their house with no hope of the American dream and Donald Trump tapped into that and Hillary Clinton was a bad matchup because she was more of the same. Another company man with corporate money falling out of her fucking pockets, not saying Trump is an honest person. I'm just saying what he represented and what he was selling. I feel like Bernie was a better thing.

And all of that bullshit that when Trump won people saying that this was, you know, a bunch of racist white people taking their country back was one of the dumbest things. It was just like, where were all those racist white people when the previous two elections, they could have voted against a black president. They took those elections off and decided that, you know, they hated white women more or something like that. This was all bullshit. It was all bullshit. I love Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders actually seems to care about regular people. And for the life of me, listening to people, I don't get how the more informed you get in politics, the more you're driven away from a guy like him. And then you start saying things like,

oh, you're throwing your vote away. Oh, by voting for a guy who wants to hold bankers accountable. A guy who wants to get out of these fucking never ending wars that are bankrupting this country. You know, for as much as people fall all over themselves about fucking Obama, I mean, that guy fucking did more drone bombings than anybody else. He was a company man and he's out there getting his fucking kickbacks on his speech tour. Oh, is that another bank that was responsible for the 2008 meltdown? Why? Absolutely. I'll give you guys a speech and we'll call you out on your bullshit and take you 300 grand. Fuck all of those people. Anyway, Bernie Sanders is the only candidate that can beat Trump and people behind the scenes of the American are throwing

the fight because I think they want to lose. I don't think that's what it is. It's just that they're grossly underpaid. And how the system works is then that these corporations, they get you into office and then you own favors. If you give them their favors, then you get to go in the speech tour and they wash their bribe money by grossly overpaying you for a speech they're not going to listen to. Right? If you go against them back in the day, you got a convertible ride in Dallas, a crazed lone gunman would conveniently come out of the woodwork and fucking take you out. And the message was sent. All right, the message was sent in the 60s. Okay, black, white male or female, if you step out of line and you fuck with these people skim, a crazed lone gunman is going

to come out of nowhere and conveniently take you out. That's it. And nowadays, I think that they, just because of the deregulation of media ownership, they don't have to take you out anymore. They can just not cover you. And if they don't cover you, then that's it. It's like you're in the race, but you're not in the race. And that's it. Anyways, he says it gives them four years. This is this guy's theory. And that was just my bullshit theory. What the fuck do I know? I can't even read out loud. Okay, so spare me your anger. Okay, just listen to what I have to say. And if it doesn't make sense to you, just fucking move on. All right, it gives them four years to really have a candidate who will swing the other way. If you were Bernie, how would you

get the nation's attention? Start naming bankers? No, I would be doing what he's doing. Bernie Sanders on the Joe Rogan podcast is perfect. Joe Rogan is a man of the people. Okay, if you listen to his podcast, the guy legitimately seems to give a shit about people and their health and he's telling them stuff that he's doing and how he's trying to make his life better. Bernie Sanders is sort of like the political version of that. So I think he goes there, he gets to his audience. Well, maybe that's too much of a similar audience. I don't know. But I think he goes to the people, which is podcasting. I think that's maybe how he does it. But, you know, you watch how little coverage a guy like that is going to get.

And like Joe Biden, Jesus Christ, I mean, I mean, that's like the old school, like when the mob was running boxing and someone would just take a fucking dive. I mean, that's just the worst fucking, I don't know what. Guy running around like he's in a shampoo commercial smelling everybody's fucking hairline. This guy's going to go. I love how just little things like that can take you out of the race. You know, Howard Dean, get too excited. All right, prison guard writing in. Oh, Jesus. Okay, dear Bill, this has got to be one of the scariest fucking jobs you could ever have prison guard. No weapon walking amongst fucking murderous and rapist. I'm a prison guard in the northeast.

I've been a fan of yours since the early 2000. And I see you anytime you're in my area. I've been a prison guard for 24 years this April. And in my opinion, Jeffrey Epstein did not commit suicide alone. Holy shit. Oh my God. Here we go. He either had help or was murdered to start not many men or women who haven't been exposed to prison culture would not know how to use the few materials they're left with in a cell to commit suicide. All right, to play devil's advocate, this guy also figured out how to be a billionaire, own his own island and be the pedophile Dr. Moreau. So I mean, this guy seems if he had a goal, he seems to know how to do it. I don't know. Isn't hanging yourself by your bedsheets pretty fucking standard.

Anyway, even if he was smart and had done his research, he would not have had enough time based on the records they released. I've been in charge of suicide watch for certain people of interest over the years. None of them come close to Epstein on any scale of importance and none of them were ever treated as casually. Oh, this presenting a strong argument here. I can get swayed easily. Here we go. The idea that things got relaxed enough for this to happen comes from anyone who's never been in or worked in a prison. I'm not saying aliens did it, but whoever carried that out made the right bet that the public would have no choice but to accept it. First suicide at that prison in 40 years. I appreciate you being a contrarian and I'm not

calling you names like last week's listeners. But on this one, it's small part to a larger ring of pedophilia. And I hope public and authorities take the investigation seriously. Well, Jesus, Christ, shut down, shut my mouth down. Everybody, do you see when you present your opinion like this without the name calling? I'm open to it even, even still, even if he called me a fucking more on these, the fact that he's a prison guard, Trump's everything that I'm saying. Yeah, that's pretty fucking nuts. Jesus Christ. You know what it is? It's like you don't want to even fucking think that there's a whole bunch of people like that out there. You know, and I really believe if you get busted for that shit that that should just be it. You should be taken out back shot like a dog

in the street and then that is fucking it over. You can't cure those fucking people and what they're doing and what they do to people and the survivors of that, how that affects the person that they choose to be with for the rest of their life. The what you take from that fucking person can never be replaced and then the, the fallout of that, what kind of parent you're going to be, all of that. It just, you know, generations of therapy in your family tree after that. Those fucking people should just, that's it. There's a lot of that. There's a lot of that. War criminals, the whole fucking thing, all those fucking people. That's it. Right in the street, bang, bang, over. All right. Ethical quandary. Dear Billy, baby daddy. Hey, Bill, I'll try to keep this short and not interject

with anything other than the facts, but I find myself in a little bit of a moral crisis that I'd like your opinion on and keep it short because you don't read so good. All right. Read so well, I think is what you're supposed to say. Maybe you're not. I don't know. All right. My fiance and I have been together for five years and both are in our early thirties. She was in a serious relationship in her early twenties and engaged previously. Her then partner was in law enforcement. They've been apart for almost 10 years and he recently passed away after losing a battle with some mental health issues. Oh Jesus. A couple weeks later, we received a notice in the mail that she is listed as the beneficiary of his life insurance policy,

which is a significant amount of money because of the good law enforcement plans available. His family is unaware that he took out this policy or that she is potentially going to be benefiting it from it. I see three options. One, keep all the money to give all the money to the family. Three, give the money to the family and keep a little for ourselves as a processing fee. Well, why is this your decision? It's not your money. It's her money. You know, anyway, she asked my opinion. Oh, she asked your opinion. All right. My apologies of what she could do and it's a life changing amount. So it's very difficult to say what I think someone should do in that situation. It's not like we're returning a $20 bill. You just watch

someone drop in front of you. Who's to know if he left it that way on purpose to his high school sweetheart? In the end, it's up to her but can impact both our lives. So what do you think we should do, Bill? I should also note he did have another girlfriend at the time of his passing, but no kids definitely would have given it to them if they existed. We're not monsters and his immediate family are middle class folk like ourselves. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Dude, I really don't know what to tell you. I mean, he's an adult. He made the decision. I'd say, wait a second, a couple of weeks. Wait, what did he pass away of? I already forget. With some mental health issue.

I don't this, you know what I would do if you're thinking of giving some of the money back I would make it anonymous because these things get real messy real fast and you're opening yourself up to some sort of fucking litigation. He was not in sound mind went up when he did this and then you're going to have to get a lawyer. It's your heart is in the right place, but I really think you're opening the door up to a fucking nightmare. So if you want to make an anonymous donation to their family, whatever that's what I would do. I would make an anonymous donation to the family. All right. And I would leave it at that to whatever amount you think, but there's no fucking way I would

give those people my name and my fucking address and all of this shit. Because then no matter what you give them, it won't be enough. This is this is just how people are. Okay. And it sounds like fiance is a really special person that she cares this much and is willing to do something like that. So she might have been the one that got away with this guy. And that's why he never changed the beneficiary. And he was kind of loving the one he was with with the new one. Forget and she might come after. Well, I was with him. You don't. All right. Do not give your fucking name at all. If you give any of this fucking money back to them anonymously, that's the way I would do it. Okay. And I don't know how to fucking do it anonymously. The fucking fingerprint

it or whatever. I have no idea. You know, I would just leave it at that. That's how I would do it. That's how I would do it. But do not give your fucking name or any of that shit because you're going to open yourself up to some fucking litigation in a big goddamn headache. Unless you're willing to be like, all right, just take all the fucking money. I don't give a shit because that'd be the quickest way out of it. But myself, I mean, that's why I would handle it. We're suing you. All right, fuck it. I quit. I don't want to be involved in that here. Here's all the money. Jesus Christ, get away from me. All right, jerking off in a sock. Okay, going to a completely different direction. Hey, Billy the wise, I'm 17 years old and a huge fan of everything

you do. I have a question for you. I'm not sure if it's a generational thing, but what's the deal with jerking off into a sock? Is there a benefit to it? Did I advocate that? I might have made a joke about it. I was never jerking off into a sock guy. I'm not even sure it's really a thing people do or just a joke from the movies that somehow influence culture. It seems really strange to jerk off into anything you plan on wearing again. I wouldn't think you'd wear it again, though. I would think just the way a dick is shaped, you know, it's more convenient. Um, this is a really gross fucking subject here. Anyway, and it's the inside of the sock. How well could it be washed? Well, you turn it inside out without being turned inside out,

which then puts, okay, which then puts in contact with everything else, which defeats the purpose of hiding it from your mom. If that's the point, really reaching for some rationale here, Bill. Thanks. All right. Okay, so you jerked off into a sock. It's under your bed. You don't know what to do with it. Isn't that what's really going on here? Fucking, I would say throw it out, but with DNA testing, you don't know where it's going to end up. And then your semen's at the fucking site of some crime. Okay. So if there's a brook nearby, you should go down there and wash it on a rock like some woman in the 1800s and then light it on fire. Now jerk off into some fucking Kleenex or whatever and then flush it. There you go. And always wear a condom. All right,

reunion. Hey, Billy, two dicks. Love the podcast. Thanks for making me laugh on long road trips. I have a 10 year old high school reunion coming up, 10 year old, I have a 10 year high school reunion coming up and need your advice. The reunion is going to take place at a bar and about 40 people are attending. That sounds like a great time. You're all still young, 27, 28 years old, 29 for whoever stayed back. This is a good time. I didn't have any negative experiences in high school and I always liked the people I went to school with. No issue there. My wife on the, ah, wife. Don't go to this thing. My wife, on the other hand, doesn't know these people during her high school years at a different school. She didn't have such positive memories.

She seems to be more stressed about attending this thing than I do. When we discussed it, it seemed to be a combination of not knowing anybody and the fear of potentially bumping into another lady who I had had a thing for 10 years ago. I couldn't be any further past those years and I believe everyone will just act as adults. Well, you've never been to a reunion, but my wife seemed to make it about her and now I don't want to, and I don't want to say to put her, I don't know what to say to put her at ease. My first thing is, will you fuck off and let me enjoy my reunion? Can you say that nicely? All right, usually we have no problems chatting up a room of strangers. She is outgoing, but super nervous, which is odd. Well, it sounds

like she had a real rough time growing up. Oh, she had a rough one. Okay. I reminded her that she's the only one for me and any thoughts of seeing old flames is superficial and made up. I never showed any interest in communicating with these people until this reunion. I suggested that if it's going to be this uncomfortable, I would like to go and enjoy myself. Good man. I'm still going and she is the option of not going. That wasn't taken very well. Of course not. I would love for her to come and show her off to everyone because she is so amazing. That's what you tell her, but if she's going to start shit over the whole thing and ruin a potential great time to see some old friend, what's the point? Any advice for me there? Heritage Billy breed pork chops?

I would say that you want to, you want to show her off. You know, that doesn't make her feel well. Just say, listen, I'm going to this thing and I'm going to have a good time. And you know, your issues about this are just that they're your issues. I wouldn't do this to you. If you were going to go back to your high school reunion, I would come along and have a good time, but I wouldn't want to ruin your good time. Don't ruin my good time. All right. I just feel like that's all your issues. I've told you how I felt about you. I married you for fuck's sakes and I want to go down there and show you off. All right. Here's, here's what you have to re realize as an adult. I came to this epiphany when I became a parent.

Okay. And I had all these fucking fears and everything. I had to come to the epiphany that my childhood does not exist anymore. Okay. Neither does my wife's childhood. It just doesn't exist anymore. It still lives in between our ears, but it doesn't exist anymore. Okay. And our kid is not my wife. Okay. And she's not me. This is a completely different person in a completely different environment and a completely different generation. All right. And if we want to drag some bullshit, you know, out of the past, the only way that's going to happen is, is we're going to do it. So it doesn't exist. All this shit that she's fucking worried about, it doesn't even exist anymore. It lives in her fucking head, head, excuse me, in her head.

All right. So that's it. You know, maybe she needs to go talk to somebody that she had such a bad time at high school and you had such a good time that she can't even go to your fucking high school reunion. A high school she didn't even go to without fucking superimposing her own fucking bullshit. It's crazy. Say all of that nicely. You know, I'm proud of you. I want to show you off. Look at my beautiful wife. Look at this amazing person that I married. I don't know. Insecurity is not an attractive trait, sweetheart. All right. Overrated, underrated. You know the deal, dude. She, she would be able to tell you to just fucking get over it. And why are you going to ruin my good time? But you have to,

it doesn't work that way their way. You have to make sure you got to fucking get, you know, you got to do, you got to fucking go the extra mile and they'll never give you credit for it on the view. All right. Overrated slash underrated, underrated. People who keep their mouths shut. Exactly. It's nice to have people around who just enjoy the scenery. Yeah. Exactly. Shut you fucking yap. Shut you. Yeah. Maybe you'll learn something from the guy who talks to himself for a fucking hour. All right. Overrated. People who never talk or don't have opinions. Wow. Okay. I get, I see what you're doing here. You never know what they're thinking and they never make decisions and you're left wondering if they're pissed. You chose that restaurant.

All right. So people keep their mouth shut. It's nice to have. Okay. So I see you, you've found the perfect woman that you, but you're having, I don't know, conflicted feelings. I love that she's not running her yap all the time, but would also, I would be nice to know that she does think some things. You're dating a church mouse there, aren't you? Be careful what you wish for. All right. That is the podcast here, everybody. If you're at work and you're bored, like I said, go to MotoGP.com and sign up. It's not even that much money and start watching some races. It's fucking incredible. Absolutely incredible. All right. I'll be at the punchline in San Francisco tomorrow with Rose Bowl, tailgate legend, Joe

Bartnick, who by the way was just in Pittsburgh, tearing things up at the improv with Paul Verzi. They're out there. They're on tour. They're crushing it. Go see these guys. They get my stamp of approval, both on and off stage. All right. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.