Monday Morning Podcast 8-2-21
00:00Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcastfrom Monday, August 2nd, 2021. Jesus, age Christ, can you fucking believe it? Oh my God,the summer's over. I almost don't thank God for global warming. Summer's going to keepgoing until October. Anyway, why can't I fucking hear myself anymore? Am I going deaf overhere? The numbers seem to be high enough. Is there a volume button? What does this do?What if I push this? Does this do something? I don't know. Bill, what if you actually readthe fucking manual? That could do something. What about these here? Are these little buttons here?What if I turn the light on? What if I could see? Oh, there's so many what ifs. You know,
00:50it's a lot like writing a script. What if we had the guy do this? But gee, I don't know.What if we had him do that? Oh, there's a volume. There's a volume. Oh, and I can hear myself.Well, that's what happened. All right, there you go. It was exciting. I actually just did that,and I didn't lose my temper. You owe me, like, what the fuck, what are you fucking, fuckingpiece of shit? So fucking stupid. Stupid fucking thing that I don't know how to build.Anyway, how are you guys? It's the beginning of August. It's beginning to look a lot likefootball season. No, can't do that. Can't skip over America's pastime. It's America's pastime. USA,USA. Major League Baseball, everybody. Our version of cricket. But we get it done in three hours,
01:42because we got shit to do. Unlike you guys with your three-day fucking games. Who cares afterthree days? You know what, am I watching a mini, I'm kidding. But I was still boozing. I'd be thebiggest cricket fan ever. Going to the game, honey. See you in three days. Going a three-dayfucking bender. I thought you were just going to a game. Yeah, I was. Three days long. I didn't knowthat. Oh, well, you know, I mean, it's in the papers. You know, you got the internet, theinformation's out there. You're mad at me? You know, if you tell me you're going to brunch,I know how long that takes. If somebody says I'm going to cricket, my first thing, well,how long does that take? You didn't ask, you didn't ask the questions you needed to ask.
02:31Well, I don't know, I just, you know, something, it was a great three days. Howabout you leave it at that? All right. So, oh, Billy fucking Bantam weight, I'm sorry,Billy Cruiser weight, super fucking lightweight, whatever the fuck I am, Billy fat fucking tits,is I'm going to try to do the elliptical every single day to prove that guy wrong on YouTube.Cardio burns fat, right? No, I'm going to prove that guy fucking wrong.I also been eating right doing the right thing so I don't become a tub of shit.I was happy when I went to the wedding was my suits. Actually, I was on the upper echelon ofthem fitting me. I'm not saying I didn't put a little stress on the fasteners.
03:25I'm not saying the zipper wasn't like Jesus Christ. How many times can you do the electric slidefor the love of fucking Christ? It was amazing. If you guys listened to my fucking podcast lastweek, last Thursday, you got a glimpse into me of who I really was, the amount that I was freakingout about a wedding where I'm not even the one getting fucking married, just because of whata social event it is and how it just takes me back to when I was a fucking kid and just growingup in a loner, anti-social fucking environment that all of those fuck, I actually had to somebodyhad to teach me how to talk to a waitress. They would come over and be like, hey,would you like any more juice? And I just be like, no. And then they would walk away and my buddy
04:17who waited tables with me, too. Why were you so harsh to her? And then I was just like,you know, all defensive and angry. Like you think I'm angry now back in the day. I was just like,what? She asked me if I wanted orange juice. I fucking said no. What was I supposed to say?Yeah, I didn't want fucking juice. It's like, no, it's just the way you said no. You could be like,ah, you know what? Actually, I'm good. Thank you. And I was like, oh, all right. Then I startedlaughing. And I never forgot that. Ever since then, I've tried to do that. So anyway,I ended up going to the wedding. I had like as usual, what I was freaking out about ended uphaving a great time. You know, got out there, got on the dance floor, had a little couple of
04:59coax, I fucking, you know, joking around talking to people. I had a fucking great time.I had a great time and I actually walked out like, oh yeah, weddings are fun.You know, if you're not a walled off frigging, I'm such a fucking lunatic. So I show up my suitlike an asshole and I remembered my belt and then it turned out that my suit didn't need a belt.And I forgot my cuff links in a tie. And I was like, oh my God, I'm a fucking mess. And my wife hadto remind me like, Bill, no one gives a shit about you. This isn't your wedding. Okay, justfucking show up. Nobody's going to notice. And they didn't. They did not. So today's one for you.I've learned that lesson a zillion times. This in your head, you have these fucking mountains.
05:44Because whatever happened, you happening when you were a kid and it was your entire universe. Soit becomes this big fucking thing in your head. And as an adult, you just walk up to it and it'slike stepping up onto a curb. Like, oh God, I thought this was going to be a, no, you justshow up and have fun. I don't know how to do that. Speaking up of, it was actually a greatwedding too, by the way. It was a great wedding where you're seeing two people that are supposedto be together, that love each other, that it was really awesome. And then the people that spokewere great. You know, the, the MC crushed it. Great DJ. The whole thing was just wire to wire.You know, taco station, man. It was just, you know, it really made me wish I was still drinking,
06:33but it was awesome. You know, there's nothing worse than going to a fucking wedding where it'sjust like these two people, what are they thinking? What this is like, you know, brushing your teethand then having a glass of orange juice here. What are we doing? Those weddings are like,you can feel it. You can feel the divorce papers hanging in the air. I've been to two of those.And one ended up in divorce and the other one, I think they're still together.Um, yeah, the wall, man. One of them I went to, it was just like, I remember when the,the groom was toasting his bride, trying to say why he loved her and he was like searching for words.Oh God. Oh my God. I just want to crawl under the fucking tape.
07:27So thank God. Is there anything better than going to a fucking wedding, getting out of your own head,having a good time and then seeing two people that love each other that want to be together?It was fucking awesome. I had the best time. Um, then we hung out for like an extra half a dayand took my daughter out to an aquarium that they had there.And she had an awesome time and she got a t-shirt that had a shark that glows on thedark. So she was all excited. I want to wear this to bed so I can see it glow in the dark.And it was a good time, good time. So anyway, speaking of good times, I'm coming back to Boston.I'm coming back. I'm Bill Burr. I came to get down. I'm coming back to Boston and I am going to
08:11be doing the Wilbur Theater on August 11th. It's already sold out in memory of our great friend,Wayne Previty, a giant hole in my heart that will never be replaced with him passing.All the proceeds are going to be going to the American Heart Association.And it's just going to be awesome. It's going to be a big reunion. The lineup is going to be abunch of comedians that I started out with. And I have invited a bunch of comics, like more comicsthan I have available for spots. And we're going to have some Chinese food and all of that shit,because that's such a big thing. The Chinese food in New England, it's just next level.It's the best Chinese food I've had other than when I went to China, which was completely
09:05different Chinese food, which was also amazing. Which by the way, if you ever go to Singaporeor China and get dumplings, it's just you never knew that something like that even existed.The dumplings they had at the fucking airport would be in a five star restaurant over here.And that was just their bullshit airport dumplings as opposed to the spot that everybody goes to.But anyways, and I've never done this, I got to give a shout out to Chinese people in Bostonand give them their props for what they've done for stand up comedy.An article really needs, I don't know if it's been written and probably been written, but like,I don't think they ever got the credit. The entire Boston Comedy scene started in a Chinese
09:51restaurant at the Ding-Ho, where all these amazing comedians, Lenny Clark, Steve Sweeney,Don Gavin, Kenny Rogison, Jimmy Tingles, Steven Wright, all of these people.All of these people, Dennis Leary, all of these people started out, Tony V, Frank Sanarelli,all of these guys started out there and in this Chinese restaurant. And then like this,it just works so well that it just, I don't know, we have like stand up comedy and Chineserestaurants had like this handshake deal that, you know, we'll help you when you help. We'llbring people in here to eat your food and you let us stand on stage and, you know,tell our dumb jokes. And I did stand up like so many of my first shows were in Chinese restaurants.
10:45They had these, there was actually a chain called the Aku Aku, or the Aku Aku. There was one inWorcester and one in Arlington. I did a million gigs there. I used to do the Kowloon. It was alwaysa Chinese restaurant and stand up comedy. And I loved the Chinese, especially since I left,how great the food is back there. You know, for some reason around the country, you can't getcrab rangoon, you can't get chicken fingers and all its specific New England Chinese food. Andso shout out to Chinese people with your restaurants in Boston that wasn't for you guys. Iwouldn't be here right now running my app. I don't know, because, and not, because there's nothingto it was, it was great stage time where they never like, you know, they didn't stick you next
11:33to the kitchen where they were cooking. They always had a nice big room. It was closed offand they would just be coming in, bringing in the food and everything, but it was always likea function room. And you could have, you know, if you were on your game, you could have a great set.So I don't know. I think just going back and doing this reunion with all of these guys and thenordering Chinese food for everybody, maybe think of like, you know what that was such a huge, likeevery time I go back and eat Chinese food, I just start thinking about comedy shows, good and badthat I had. So thank you to the great people that make that food and help out all us comics,giving us a stage to work it out and figure out if we can do something in this business.
12:17So as I mentioned, I will be back in Boston. So I'm going to try to do the cardio every dayas I hit all of these spots that I want to go eat at. So I'm trying to have like a zero week,didn't gain anything, didn't lose anything. But I don't know, I haven't weighed myselfyet since the fucking wedding, because I did eat like an asshole, but I just keep going to the gymand just knocking it out, getting it in, getting it in. And on the weekend, I wanted to go to thegym all three days. But when I got to the hotel, our room wasn't ready. And then there was therehearsal dinner. So I didn't make it on the first day. I made it on the second day. And thenyesterday I was like, all right, we'll check out, I'll take the kids to the aquarium, and then I'll
13:01hit the gym afterwards. And you know how that goes, you're sitting in traffic, you're like,ah, fuck it, I'll go tomorrow. So whatever. But I did get one in. I did get one in and I ate prettywell. I also signed up for MLB on their website there. I signed up for it. Because now I'm all inwith the Red Sox. And of course, I watched, we were up three to nothing in the first inning,gave up two runs in the second inning. And then they got like one and then they got two runs.The next thing, you know, I don't know, somehow we're not being like, it was like five to three.And then we tie it up and then we give up a run. And we give up another run. Last I saw it was sevento five, but some family came over and I had to say goodbye to them. So I think that's how it was.
13:37But today at four o'clock, the Red Sox are playing the raise again, which you guys already know theresult of. So I'm all in. I'm going to wash it. I guess the, the fucking senators had a fire sale,so did the Cubs. And I guess we picked up a pitcher. So we'll see how that goes. Speaking of free agents,fucking Westbrook, Westbrook grows to the fucking Lakers. Unbelievable. You fucking Laker fans,how they keep acting like the 2008 Celtics were the first pile on team. It's like, dude, that wasour reaction to Kobe Shaq and fucking Phil Jackson going there. Come on, man. You guys started allof this shit. I'm so sick of those fucking teams. So I'm rooting for the sons in the Milwaukee Bucksand anybody who's not a pile on team at this point, that's my thing. I don't fucking,
14:26because I really wasn't into the whole 2008. I mean, it was fun that we won it. We beat the Lakerswith the pile on team, gave a taste of their own medicine. I thought that that was all right.But other than that, I mean, it was weird. We were like in last place and obviously we went tofirst place. The whole thing was just, I don't know, maybe I'm just an old guy, but I like seeingthe best players play each other. I know I've said that a thousand fucking times. So I think at thispoint as an NBA fan, I am a fan of any team that is playing the pile on team. That's what it is.So we shall see. We shall see what happens. But the Lakers just have too much to offerwith all the sun and all the whores out here. You just can't compete with them and they'll just
15:16forever be winning fucking titles with other people's players. I mean, that's what the fuckthey do. They've been doing it since they got fucking Kareem and Will Chamberlain. Oh god,I'm going in. I'm going in too hard on them. That's bullshit. Because back then, you signed one player,whatever. I respect all of the titles, except for Kobe's first three. I'll give you the last two.Okay, you know, but I know, come on. If you're going to fucking challenge the 0-8-1,I can challenge the four you last six. How about that? Is that all right? Or is this just gettingan old? Am I just an old man talking in circles and nobody gives a fuck anymore? Is that what it is?I saw this thing about Eagles, right? This is literally what I do with my fucking days now,
16:04now that I don't drink. I got nothing to do. I just, I've been watching The Untouchables,that series, season three, the original one with Robert Stack. Speaking of Lakers, I saw one withDiane Cannon, a young Diane Cannon, crushed it in this episode where she worked at like a supperclub and she was a singer and she was dating the sort of the MC, comic, Frankie Avalon looking guywho ends up running his yapp and ends up fucking dead in a field.It's a fucking great episode. I am all in, all fucking in on The Old School Untouchables. JoeBartnick has been telling me to watch it for years. So it's a great show, just a great show onme TV if you guys have it. And I don't know, what else? F1, I fucking missed the race. I got to see
17:02it. I heard it was an amazing one. And I don't know what happened to Max Verstappen, but he endedup being in 10th split place and fucking Lewis Hamilton. And Lewis Hamilton comes in third.But I think that Sebastian Vettel is going to get a penalty, so he might even move up to secondplace. And he already has sole possession of first place. He leaped frog past Max Verstappen andonly got one point. So that makes it like really exciting. But I still have to root for Max Verstappenbecause I feel like Lewis Hamilton, you know, as much as he endured racism and all that type ofstuff, he's won it like a zillion times. And now he drives from Mercedes. It's like rooting for therich kid. His daddy has the best car. He fucking wins it every year. And then if he doesn't win,
17:49he cries with his helmet on. So I just can't get behind that. I'm sorry. So I'm rooting for fuckingMax Verstappen. That's my deal. You know, and I love those announcers that do it because anythingLewis Hamilton. All right, this is it. Usually at this point during the podcast is where I wouldactually start to read the advertising, but I've yet to receive it. Oh, no, I guess I did. I guessit got sent in. You know, it's fucking just a half ass root that roof that really just suckswhen you're a redhead. Are those stupid sunsail things? Jesus Christ. What is that fucking poorattempt? Why are they shaped like a fucking triangle? Are you trying to block the sun outor are you just trying to give me false hope? Can I buy two of them and have them interlocked
18:50like shoes in a shoebox? So maybe there's a place for a fucking fair skin orange cut like myself toget out of the global warming of the sun. Then you know what happens is the fucking sun goes downwhen it starts to go down, then it's like it comes in from the side and just blast the side of yourface. I'm telling you, dude, if we don't start turning this shit around, okay, if we don't startmaking biodegradable plastic or if we don't have another big fucking war and take out a whole bunchof people, which is why, if you notice, I didn't bring up any of that COVID stuff because now I'mrooting for COVID. At this point, I'm rooting for the virus. I've switched allegiances.If it's going to keep getting fucking hotter, man, we got to do something about these goddamn
19:44sunsails. We have to use more of the earth's natural resources and fucking help out a goddamnredhead. You know what the reality is is I had to practice what I preached like, hey freckles,maybe you're not strong enough to survive global warming. Oh, there's another sci-fi movie.Right. The powers that be all the brown and black haired people that, you know,with the TV faces that run shit, right? They fucking keep dumping shit in the oceanbecause everybody knows redheads don't dump anything in the ocean. This is already going offthe rails, whatever. This is just, I'm just throwing shit against the wall here. All right.Another sci-fi movie. All right. Maybe somebody animates one of these things. We'll start making
20:29Billy's sci-fi movies. All right. In a world in about 50 years, the earth is so hot that redheadscan no longer survive. Okay. As always, blondes, brunettes, and people with black hair don't givea fuck. So they just go, you're not strong enough to be here. You know what I mean? Me with my oliveskin, my tan skin, my skin of color, I can survive with sunblock 200, right? But the redheads allslowly die off and nobody cares. So then we have to go underground, right? And all the good lookingpeople, the people with the pigment that everybody loves, they continue to live fucking up the planetand eventually everything shuts down. All right. Society, the whole fucking thing. And then that'swhen we come back up out of the manholes. It's like children of the corn meets escape from New York
21:31with a touch of golden girls. Because there's going to be a bunch of old people that live under amountain that we'll all, we all come together in the end. The redheads and the blondes, brunettes,we all go in and we kill them. The maker's a plastic. That's what it's going to be. All right.That wasn't the best one. There's an idea in there somewhere where, you know, oh, I know it is,redheads feel rejected. Roy, you didn't take it serious until you started dying of sunburns,did you? And you were content to let us all die off. What you didn't know is that redheads havea higher threshold for pain. We went underground in the sewage. We went underground with your discardedexotic pets, your reptiles, your boa constrictors, your alligators.
22:33For the last 20 years, I've been eating shit covered snakes and alligators.And I've come back to get what's mine. Are you with me? And all these redheads,then they all come up out of the fucking manholes. And there's nothing scarier than a group of redheadstogether. Okay. We're just supposed to be like, we add a little color. You know, we're supposed tobe spliced together. But all of a sudden, if there's just like a group of 20 of us like that musicvideo, which I even found unsettling, I even saw it like, what are all those redheads up to?You know, I was actually mad at the redheads that agreed to be in that.Do you have any fucking self esteem? You have no pigment or self esteem that you're allowed to be,
23:20you going to go do this fucking video? Anyway, the only thing scarier than that assembly ofa bunch of redheads would be a bunch of redheads coming up out of the sewer that have beenshit covered fucking pythons for the last 20 years, coming back into society for vengeance.And that's where it picks up. You know, if you do the Hollywood version, the blonde blueeyes would fuck it. Well, no, at this point, they make it a black person because they want to actlike they weren't the racist white people who weren't hiring black people just five years ago.Now they're all, oh, let's make it a person of color with a missing limb.See, we're not, we can check two boxes. You know, that bean counting, caring.
24:06You don't really change what's in your heart. You just cast what you know will come backand bite you in the ass unless you do something about all the shit that you've done before.Anyway, let's do the live reads here. Okay, headspace, everybody. Headspace, man!Oh, wouldn't it be great if there were a podcast size guy that helped you fucking sleep?Sleep, focus, act, be better. Act like you become a better actor or behave. There is.And if you have 10 minutes, headspace can change your life. Headspace is your daily dose of mindfulnessin the form of guided meditation and an easy to use app. Headspace is the only one of the,is one of the only medist, meditation apps advancing the field of mindfulness and meditation
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26:37and we got one other here. Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's simply safe. Isn't that how weall want to feel? I know during this different time, during these times of change. All right,simply safe, everybody. When simply safe home securities founders Chad and Eleanor Lawrencedesigned their first security system in their kitchen, they did it for a very personal reason.They did it for a very personal reason. Somebody stole their food, man. Their friends had justhad their home broken into. They were struggling to find a security system that was simple to setup. It would make them feel safe again. Wait a minute. These two people were cooksand they were able to design a home security system. How much did they suck at cooking that
27:28they had this skill that they can become this successful? Or maybe they're just those peoplethat are good at everything. Chad and Eleanor, I really resent you too. Making people feel safeis what Simply Safe has been doing ever since that moment 15 years ago. A passion to protect peoplenot only drives every engineering detail in its products, but it motivates every interactionwith its customers. And the thing is, Simply Safe just makes it so easy. It takes about twominutes to customize a system on their website, simplysafe.com slash burr. Simply Safe has highlytrained security experts ready whenever you need them. Whether that's during a fire, a burglary,a medical emergency, or even just when you're setting up the system. There's always someone
28:15there who has your back to keep you safe and make sure you feel safe. As my listener, this is theprivilege you get simply from listening to this podcast. Okay. My uninformed views, my babblings,and my just toxic male way of dealing with things. As my listener, you can save 20% on your SimplySafe security system and get your first month free when you sign up for interactive monitoringservice. Just visit Simply Safe S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E dot com slash burr to customize your systemand start protecting your home and family. That's simply safe dot com slash burr S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-ESorry. Thought I had the same amount of letters. F-E. That was one E.All right. So anyway, you're usual. You guys like to write in. You like to say what's going on.
29:20You know, you ask me for advice. Oh, I haven't played that in a long fucking time. Rememberthat song? The advice jingle? Anybody? Oh, why isn't it playing? Do I have the sound down?What do I got to do? Why I clicked on the advice?Hey! That's me.Somebody else. All right. It is time, man. It is fucking time when you guys write in.You know, I'm trying to, you know, trying to help you out here.You know, something that I wish this younger generation would do more of.I got to tell you, as an old fart fucking comedian, it breaks my heart seeing fucking
30:09stand-up comics going after other stand-up comics on social media. For the love of God,can you guys get each other's phone numbers and work it out? You're both comedians. You're on thesame fucking team. What are we doing? There's enough people coming at comedians. We don'tneed to be coming at each other. Kills me. Oh, these kids today. These kids today. What are they doing?All right. British spelling. Dear Yankee dum-dum nuts. Oh, Jesus Christ.Coming with the ins- dum-dum nuts. All right. You corrected a fan for spelling favorite with an OUas in F-A-V-O-U-R-I-T-E. That's the way it's, it's, that's the way it's spelled. That's the waythey spell it there. Sorry. Also color, C-O-L-O-U-R is spelled that way. If you don't believe me,
31:02type it into a word doc and watch it. Not all capitals. Correct your spelling.Listen, buddy. Okay. I'm American. All right. We don't give a fuck how you spell it.All right. This is how it works. You adjust to us, not the other way around. You know it.You know it's true. As much as you guys say you hate us, you can't stop paying attention to us.No one knows the name of your leader. Nobody gives a fuck. I'm sure you have the Oscars andthe Grammys over there, your versions of it, and nobody cares. They want to win the one that's here.All right. If we don't give a shit about the world sport, do you think I give a fuck abouthow you spell favorite? Why don't you call something else brilliant? That isn't really brilliant.
32:01No, fuck with you. I didn't know I do. I didn't know that that's how they spell.I know how the Canadians spell Canadians, I-E-N-S, as opposed to I-A-N-S,because I give a fuck about hockey. I'm sorry. I barely know how to spell it over this way.Sorry. I'm not a wordsmith. All right. I know that you guys are over there.You're living over there in England. Look at you guys. Look at all you have to be proud of.Almost winning that soccer championship, beating up the fans, defenseless fans, five on one fights,beating them up, kicking them in the head before the fucking game. You have the nerve to call usa bunch of fat animals. You know, maybe if you got a little fatter like an American,
32:48you wouldn't have enough cardio to boot the guy in the head for the sixth fucking time.You'd be a little winded after the first one.All right. Sorry. I didn't mean any of that. They mentioned I'm drinking a smoothiewhile I do that. I'm drinking a smoothie and I'm in my bare feet.You know, LA didn't get rid of my east coast edge.All right. Well, thank you for the spelling lesson. You should probably give me readingout loud lessons first before you try to correct or let me know how the world spells favorite.All right. Unwanted pussy solution. Hey, Billy bitch tits.
33:26I don't know why that's so fun. Bitch tits is just hilarious. And then you get thealliteration in there. Billy bitch tits. You know, I sound like right now I sound like one of thoseguys on the food show. You know, when they break down the food, oh, so you got the savory andthen you got the sugary and then it comes back to a savory fucking. Do you get what you're fucking do?Okay. So you put the onions in there and then you're going to caramelize it. All right.Wait, you put an ice cream on that? Oh my God. Oh, this is delicious.That's what he just did with Billy bitch tits. All right. I was listening to your podcastwhere you mentioned the unwanted cat in your driveway. My wife doesn't want it there. I love
34:05that fucking cat. Kind of ironic that you're looking to chase pussy away when you couldn't get it,get any for years. But I guess this is different. Oh Jesus. Well, the old badump bump there. Buddy,you didn't even listen. You were so focused on your fucking joke. I guess I said in the end,I was worried that it was going to, you know, we had, you know, we had birds, mother bird,you know, not in a relationship, got knocked up, you know, this fucking horse, right? And she hadher kids in the, in the potted plant, you know, father wasn't around absentee father. It's terrible.And that was the only time I didn't like the cat. Cause I was like, if that thing goes upthere and kills those little birds in front of my daughter, they just see like a couple of bird
34:55heads there. Like they'll really be traumatic, but I love the cat. Okay. So with your little,did you see what I did there? Any, anyhow, what you need is a lie is lion shit.Serious nature reserves and zoos sell it for this exact purpose. The cat smells it, recognize it.Oh lie. I thought you meant you need some lion shit, motherfucker. You meant literally lion shit.The cat smells it, recognizes it as a superior species and find some other poor schmuck's drivewayto shit in. Dude, how big is a lion shit? I mean, that's gonna be fucking, that's like ayear's worth of cat shit. Why would I do that? I bought some, hey, this lion took a dump. You wantto stick it in your driveway? First of all, how does a fucking domesticated cat from the United
35:51States of America know what the apex predator shit smells like in Africa?What's he going on, travel.com on the fucking weekends? I bought some from a safari park herein the UK and it worked on my neighbor's cat doing the same thing on my lawn. Are you serious?Love the podcast, stay off the donuts, fuck the Patriots, go Steelers. Well, I can see why yousay fuck the Patriots if you're a Steeler fan, but Tom Brady left us, so I don't know where we arenow, so I imagine you can finally beat us. But you know what? You'll always have to sit there andrealize that you never beat the New England Patriots in a significant game when Tom Brady was here.Like I didn't take pleasure in the Patriots beating the Steelers when Terry Bradshaw wasn't there.
36:43It felt good when Ben Roethlisberger showed up though, because Ben is a man. Ben is a man,he rides a motorcycle without a helmet, god damn it. All right, let's look up liondung for sale.God, there's stuff, oh my god, the fuck out here. Predator P,Mountain Lion urine. Now, does this do the Amazon sells mountain lion piss? I mean,Jesus, how many fucking people are they trying to put out of business? Can of Tiger Poo. Oh my god.That almost makes me gag. Can you imagine working at that fucking, I mean it's like a dumb shit joke,but seriously. Oh my god, gross.
37:38I guarantee you human shit still smells worse. I mean, Patrice used to joke about that.How human shit, every other shit was funny. If you stepped in cow shit, you step in dog shit,horse shit, all of it, bird shit, all of it is funny. But the rankest, most nastiest shit outthere is human shit. Love it so much. Okay, this is the review, Tiger Poo. Love it so much,funny and kitschy addition to my dining room. Oh, so this is, okay, this is a joke.Oh, okay, love it. It was a huge hit. Put it on top of my fridge as a conversation piece. Boy is it.Okay, so it's a joke. Okay, I was gonna say, my god, it's just pictured somebody with a giant,like, you know, like an ore that you row a boat with just stirring fucking tiger shit.
38:31Predator P. All right, shop cat deterrent. All right, homemade repellent. They're like,is this what you're looking for? Do you realize I looked up lion shit and then like,all right, buddy, why don't you just get these fucking things here?No, no, no, let's get back to fucking mountain lion piss. Mountain lion urine. You can buy it onAmazon. Predator P. Well, wait a minute. There's a mountain lion in my fucking neighborhood. Now,what if I spray this shit and I go from a small cat I can deal with to a bigger fucking cat?I can't go mountain lion pee. This mountain lion thinks he has a chance. I got to go I gotto go lion pee, right? Mountain lion urine territorial marking scent creates illusion
39:25that a mountain lion is nearby reduced. Okay, let's let's see.Does mountain lion urine attract mountain lions? Here we go. It's right there. Somebodyhere. By liberally marking an area with mountain lion pee, you duplicate the territorialmarking habits of mountain lions in the wire. This illusion triggers an instinctive responsein prey. If mountain lions scent is around, these animals want to be far away. But what about mountainlions? What about mountain lions? Jesus Christ, look at this fucking rabbit hole you asshole sentme down. Does mountain lion yet? Does it attract other fucking mountain lions?Predator odors attract other predators. Yeah, see, look at me. Opalic common sense here.
40:30Predator odors attract other prey creating an all factory web of information.Many studies have reported the aversive reactions of prey towards a predator's odor.Urine, a behavior widely thought to reduce the risk of predation by the predator. However,because odor signals persist in the environment, they are vulnerable to exploitation and eavesdroppingby predators, prey and conspecifics. I have no idea what I'm reading right now. As such,scent patches created by one species might attract another species interested in information abouttheir enemies. We study this. You know what? You know what? This is classic white people's shitwhere I'm going to solve a small problem by creating an even bigger problem. A very brilliant
41:25person said to me one time said, human beings are the only people that don't adapt to nature.They try to make nature adapt to them. And we start fucking with the matrix. I'm not fuckingwith the matrix. Okay. I can deal with the house cat. I'm not fucking fucking taken lion shit.First of all, I couldn't even find it. Let me look it up again. Because I know the person whosaid, well, I didn't say mountain lion pee. I said lion shit. Lion poo poop for sale.You can get it in the UK. Oh God, you guys are fucking cultured out there, aren't you? All right.The only true socially big cat. Lion poo for sale. You can't buy this shit.Watch German circus sells giant sells jars of lion poop for gardening. At least they're recycling.
42:22Does lion poo really keep cats away? Here we go. Here we go. All right.If you have a beautiful garden that you're proud of, you probably spend a lot of time in that garden.In fact, you probably spend most of the weekends. What the fuck are we talking about your garden for?Oh Jesus Christ. Okay. All that being said, there are also times when gardening can getstressful. This is especially true if you are battling cats or other small animals. I don'tknow cats fucked up gardens. These mammals not only like to get into the garden and eat your plantsand flowers, but they like to leave you little presents everywhere in the form of scat.See that? I think there's a reason why cat is in the word scat. Now, one might think that animal
43:11scat is a good fertilizer, but that isn't the case at all. In fact, it might. Well,then how are you talking about a garden? Lion poo. The first thing you know is that lion dung is solid.Online is solid. Lion dung is sold online in pellets, and there are a number of individualsthat have boasted about this product, everything it has to offer, why lion poo might work,why lion poo might not work. You know what, dude? This is too early in the process. I'm not goingto be a guinea pig and fucking have some lion poo with some goddamn bear urine, and all of a sudden,you know, I open the door, you know, and whatever that I sprayed out there, you know,somebody's looking for a suitor. It's not happening. Okay, not my world, right? You can take your
44:03fucking lion poo. You can send it right back to the fucking jungle you found it in because I ain'tgoing to buy it. All right, childhood snack. Hey, dear Billy, bottom bitch, burr. I have a questionfor you that goes back to the days where you were not allowed to touch the thermostat. But before Iasked the question, I have a story on why I am so interested. My dad told me a story about one of hisfavorite childhood snacks. It was something called a wish sandwich. They wrote a whole song about that.You wish you had some meat, ba ba ba ba. Okay, the ingredients to the wish sandwich are twoslices of bread, mustard, and you wishing that there was meat and cheese to go along with it.My dad's family grew up very poor, and this would be all that they would eat for a meal at rough times.
44:51Yes, the condiment sandwich, the worst of meals being crackers and ketchup. They still laugh aboutit every now and then. And then they have a wish sandwich to remember their childhood.So I got in the habit of asking people their favorite childhood snack or meal.Would you be surprised by some? You would be surprised by some people's answers. So I thoughtI would ask a fatty like yourself, what was your favorite childhood snack or meal? Thanks and go fuckyourself. My favorite childhood snack to everything. Everything. I've already talked to you aboutstakums. That's when I felt like I was becoming an adult when I would come home and I would makemyself a stakum, which was paper thin beef from some sort of animal that was like frozen and then
45:46you'd put it in the pan. And when it became like see through and brown, you'd flip it over,then you put a little cheese on top and then you stick it on some white bread and try to eat itbefore all the grease made it off. Soak and wet bread. It was those I like as far as like junk foodgoes. I like Fritos still my all time favorite chip is a Frito. I never made the leap to Doritos.I just don't like them. The original, the winter winter green, whatever they got every fucking flavorDoritos, ice, Zimas Doritos. I don't like any of them. I like Fritos. I used to like bugles.I don't know if I'd be into those too much now, but I like Doritos. As far as cookies go.All right. I like Oreo cookies. I do like double stuff. I like the blonde Oreos. I really like Oreos.
46:49And everything else, I don't know. Everything else can go fuck itself as far as cookies go,unless you just make like a homemade one. But like, I don't eat that shit right now.I got to wait till I get in shape again. So then I become a fat fuck again when I eat all that crap.Let's see. What else? I liked cereal back in the day. I liked Boo Berry.I liked Count Chocula. Even though I'm a ginger, I still didn't like Frankenberry.I liked shredded wheat with like a pound of sugar on it.I liked Corn Flakes, Raisin Bran, Cheerios. And then when I became an adult,if I was going to treat myself to a cereal that I shouldn't be eating, it was cinnamon life.
47:44And then as far as like those fucking baked like cake, pre-kaked fucking things,Twinkies can go fuck themselves. Devil Dogs can go fuck themselves.Twinkies because they don't taste like anything. Devil Dogs because they're fuckingas dry as anything I've ever had in my fucking life. Hostess cupcakes weren't that bad.I like those. They at least weren't dry. But I wasn't into yodels or any of that shit.I didn't like a lot of the cakes, man.But as far as like growing up, you know, we had money, then we didn't have money,then we had a little money. And then I moved out. So like,
48:34we sort of always like chipped beef on toast, chicken a la king, Hungarian goulash.We ate all of that shit. Pork chops, occasionally. Cube steaks, as you guys know.You know, the fucking 70s meat. That wasn't even considered fucking poor food.It was just, you know, I told you. Until I got with black people, I thought macaronicheese was a fucking main dish. That's what we ate it as a main dish.Like we were having pasta. My mother would fucking take out like, you know,four little, those little fucking TV dinner crates of them, heat them up in the oven.Then you'd peel off the top and then you just heat them up in the oven and then you just throw
49:20it in a bowl and everybody would eat them. We'd have it with toast. And it was delicious.All right, animosity towards my fiance. Oh boy. Oh boy, here we go. Here comes somebodymaybe needs to pull the plug there. First off, let's set things straight here. All right.You are a funny motherfucker. I fucks with you. I fucks with you tough.You are the funniest comedian out there. I like this person.None of my compliments, not holding me accountable for my actions. Nothing but, you know, praise.Now let me get off your nuts because I know people tell you this shit all the time.Doesn't mean I don't like to hear it. So thank you. I have a, I have a life story to tell you
50:05about. Let's see how this goes. I've been with my girl now since November 2018.You're a pilot through the math. All right. Well, it's two and a half years.I mean, I don't think that has anything to do with flying a plane. Rewinded September 1st,2018. My father passed away. Sorry to hear that. I'm a wreck. My girl at the time who I was withfor six years, who I adored, loved, never cheated on, treated her like the fucking queen I thoughtshe was, leaves me a month after my dad dies. Oh dude, that means she wanted to dump you before,and then she was just like, fuck his dad died. Now I got to hang around for another month. God,damn it. It was a blessing in disguise because she was one of those girls that liked, that liked to
50:54hit. Oh yeah. My wife used to be like that. She used to fucking throw shit and punch me. He'slunatic. She used to call it, I'm passionate. She was a narcissist, controlling as hell,also found out she cheated on me. Oh, Jesus. You fucking dodged a bullet there, sir. So nowI'm a double wreck, feeling lost and heartbroken at this point. Hey, I have feelings, fucker.This is typical guys. Like, I'm feeling heartbroken. He couldn't just say that.He had to throw a fuck you across the bow to keep me at bay here. Not even a week later,this amazing woman. Amazing. All capital letters, woman, just falls into my lap.So what do I do? After all, yeah, yeah, bullshit. What does she do? I tell her I'm not ready for
51:39a relationship. I tell her that she's a good woman and she doesn't deserve how I'm going to treat her.Parentheses like shit. I told her I know how I am and I don't want to treat her horribly just becausemy last relationship ended so wrong. That was a mature thing to know about yourself. I wasn'tready. You know, the dust must settle and the debris must be thrown out from the wreckage ofthe last relationship. Yes. My girl now insisted on staying with me to help me go. No, my girl now,this woman, same person, insisted on staying with me to help me go through my tough time.I didn't want her to. I wanted to be myself, constantly trying to push her away. I wantedtime to focus on me. That didn't happen. Valentine's Day came around. I tried to break up with her
52:24that night, but when I told her we couldn't see one another, the waterworks came and I gaveinto the tears and she got away. Now, fast forward about a year. We have a beautiful baby girltogether. Oh my goodness, January 25th, 2020. Congratulations. I hope we're a family as weshould be. We plan on getting married in September, 2021. Where is the problem?I feel animosity towards my fiance for never giving me the chance to breathe.I haven't been able to mentally place myself into this relationship. I feel like I used all my goodenergy on the wrong person in my last relationship. Now we're getting married with a little girl andI still feel the same. It's not fair for such an amazing woman like her to be with a damaged man
53:11like myself. I want to get back to normal and be able to mentally check into this relationshipfinally. I'm questioning getting married right now. I'm so confused and still feel lost. Any advicewould be wonderful. Go fuck yourself. All right. I don't think you're holding yourself accountablefor your actions here. All right. You knew from day one you didn't want to be with this woman andyou needed your space. All right. And you keep blaming her like she pulled you in, like youdidn't have the power to say no. You broke up with her on the evening of Valentine's Day.All right. She starts crying and rather than sticking to your guns you stayed into itand now you have a kid with her. So what I would do if I was you is stop blaming her
54:02and feeling resentment towards her. You should actually be questioning what is wrong with youthat you didn't want to be in something. You got into it and now you're you have a kid andyou're going to get married. You need to go to therapy is what I would do. I would go to therapyand be like, Hey, tell her what him or her you talking to what you just did and try to figureout why you do that stuff rather than blaming this woman who you say is an amazing woman who,you know, you have a kid with. But to give you something positive here, you know,in case you think I'm coming down on you, this is a part of life. Part of life is blaming otherpeople for decisions that you made until one day you hold yourself accountable like what am I
54:51contributing to this situation? You know, why what happened to me that made me once a woman criedgiven and most guys do give in when that happens. I've done both and I'll tell you it never worksout either way. I've called them on really you're going to cry about this. How old are you? Thatnever ends well. It's so cold. Pregnant woman's rights. Dear Billy vanilla ice cream, sandwich,love and birth guilty is fucking charged. Vanilla ice cream, Billy vanilla ice cream,sandwich, love and birth. I like that one. I recently saw a visibly pregnant woman smoking.Hey, man, it's her kid. I couldn't believe with all the information we know about tobacco thatthis still occurs. So I made a post about her on Facebook talking about how if we can smash a window
55:47to get a dog out of a car, why can't we smack the cigarette out of a pregnant woman's mouth?That's fucking hilarious. Oddly, this didn't go well. I know you're being sarcastic and became adiscussion about women's rights to her anatomy. I am pro choice but smoking while pregnant shouldbe regarded as child abuse. What are your thoughts on this liberals gone wild moment?I hope you were having a great go fuck yourself. Whatever that means.Well, yeah, dude, if you post something like that on the internet, you think some fucking moronsaren't going to jump on the hook and start yelling at you. I think it was a, I think it's a great joke.That's what I think. I think it's a really good joke and I think you should continue
56:29doing jokes like that because I think it's funny andI can tell you right now, if men carried the baby and we smoked, a woman would have everyright to slap it out of our mouths. That's my baby too and they would do it. And you know what?They'd be right. They'd be right. She's making decisions for someone who doesn't have the abilityto make a decision. An unborn child. I mean, Jesus Christ. But as I've learned throughout the yearsthat women are, when you're in a relationship and then you're married and there's a kid andeverything, they are number one. They are the starting quarterback. It's them, then the kids,then whatever the fuck's going on in the house and then you. That's how it fucking works.
57:23That's how the pyramid is built. So it doesn't surprise me that a small number of psycho womenare arguing that, but I don't believe that most women feel that. And I don't think thatpeople really think you want to go out and slap it out of her mouth. What you should do is get aspray bottle of water and put it on the, the most widest like, you know, so it hits her in the face too.Oh, what are we doing? Put that out. There's a baby in there. You're welcome.Skip away. And you just do it with water. You know, water is all natural. Most people aredehydrated. So it's like, and smoking makes you dehydrated. So there you go. Right there. Lookwhat I did. See what I did. I saved your baby and hydrated your breast. How could you be that
58:14mad at me? I moisturized your face. Well, you know, helping, helping your unborn baby. Like,what could be the problem? Who knows? All right, that is the podcast, everybody. I'm going to gowatch the Red Sox just playing the devil raise. I'm going to record that. I'm going to actuallygo swim in with my kid. That's what I told her I was going to do. And I have to do itbecause, you know, eventually, they're not going to want to do it. That's why, you know,eventually they're going to get like right now she has a tablet and that fucking thing is just likeit's really cutting into daddy daughter time. So we got to like, you know, dude, you get your kidlike any sort of computer or a phone or anything like that. It's like giving a crack head crack.
59:06You immediately have a problem. All of a sudden, you can't get them to answer your questions,look at you or anything like that. So I got to make sure I put in the quality time. So thatis it, everybody. Thank you to everybody that bought tickets to the Wayne Previtybenefit slash memorial slash reunion. I'm very excited to get back thereand eat all that delicious food. So I'm going to keep going on the ellipticalelliptical burr. I'm also, you know, lifting the weights did throwing them around.I did the old legs and eggs today. My favorite thing that the fucking leg room dude, I'll tellyou, man, word is out about legs. The leg room the last couple of times I've gone in there has been
59:51packed. Usually the loneliest part of the room is the fucking squat rack and all of that shit.But lately people have been in there. And I like the guys I remember back in the day a squat rackwas something to hang your fucking, your fucking champion hoodie on as you benched for the ninthday in the fucking room. Alright, that's it, everybody. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.
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