Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-2-21

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

Bill rambles about New England Chinese food, cat shit, and childhood snacks.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday, August 2nd, 2021. Jesus, age Christ, can you fucking believe it? Oh my God, the summer's over. I almost don't thank God for global warming. Summer's going to keep going until October. Anyway, why can't I fucking hear myself anymore? Am I going deaf over here? The numbers seem to be high enough. Is there a volume button? What does this do? What if I push this? Does this do something? I don't know. Bill, what if you actually read the fucking manual? That could do something. What about these here? Are these little buttons here? What if I turn the light on? What if I could see? Oh, there's so many what ifs. You know,

it's a lot like writing a script. What if we had the guy do this? But gee, I don't know. What if we had him do that? Oh, there's a volume. There's a volume. Oh, and I can hear myself. Well, that's what happened. All right, there you go. It was exciting. I actually just did that, and I didn't lose my temper. You owe me, like, what the fuck, what are you fucking, fucking piece of shit? So fucking stupid. Stupid fucking thing that I don't know how to build. Anyway, how are you guys? It's the beginning of August. It's beginning to look a lot like football season. No, can't do that. Can't skip over America's pastime. It's America's pastime. USA, USA. Major League Baseball, everybody. Our version of cricket. But we get it done in three hours,

because we got shit to do. Unlike you guys with your three-day fucking games. Who cares after three days? You know what, am I watching a mini, I'm kidding. But I was still boozing. I'd be the biggest cricket fan ever. Going to the game, honey. See you in three days. Going a three-day fucking bender. I thought you were just going to a game. Yeah, I was. Three days long. I didn't know that. Oh, well, you know, I mean, it's in the papers. You know, you got the internet, the information's out there. You're mad at me? You know, if you tell me you're going to brunch, I know how long that takes. If somebody says I'm going to cricket, my first thing, well, how long does that take? You didn't ask, you didn't ask the questions you needed to ask.

Well, I don't know, I just, you know, something, it was a great three days. How about you leave it at that? All right. So, oh, Billy fucking Bantam weight, I'm sorry, Billy Cruiser weight, super fucking lightweight, whatever the fuck I am, Billy fat fucking tits, is I'm going to try to do the elliptical every single day to prove that guy wrong on YouTube. Cardio burns fat, right? No, I'm going to prove that guy fucking wrong. I also been eating right doing the right thing so I don't become a tub of shit. I was happy when I went to the wedding was my suits. Actually, I was on the upper echelon of them fitting me. I'm not saying I didn't put a little stress on the fasteners.

I'm not saying the zipper wasn't like Jesus Christ. How many times can you do the electric slide for the love of fucking Christ? It was amazing. If you guys listened to my fucking podcast last week, last Thursday, you got a glimpse into me of who I really was, the amount that I was freaking out about a wedding where I'm not even the one getting fucking married, just because of what a social event it is and how it just takes me back to when I was a fucking kid and just growing up in a loner, anti-social fucking environment that all of those fuck, I actually had to somebody had to teach me how to talk to a waitress. They would come over and be like, hey, would you like any more juice? And I just be like, no. And then they would walk away and my buddy

who waited tables with me, too. Why were you so harsh to her? And then I was just like, you know, all defensive and angry. Like you think I'm angry now back in the day. I was just like, what? She asked me if I wanted orange juice. I fucking said no. What was I supposed to say? Yeah, I didn't want fucking juice. It's like, no, it's just the way you said no. You could be like, ah, you know what? Actually, I'm good. Thank you. And I was like, oh, all right. Then I started laughing. And I never forgot that. Ever since then, I've tried to do that. So anyway, I ended up going to the wedding. I had like as usual, what I was freaking out about ended up having a great time. You know, got out there, got on the dance floor, had a little couple of

coax, I fucking, you know, joking around talking to people. I had a fucking great time. I had a great time and I actually walked out like, oh yeah, weddings are fun. You know, if you're not a walled off frigging, I'm such a fucking lunatic. So I show up my suit like an asshole and I remembered my belt and then it turned out that my suit didn't need a belt. And I forgot my cuff links in a tie. And I was like, oh my God, I'm a fucking mess. And my wife had to remind me like, Bill, no one gives a shit about you. This isn't your wedding. Okay, just fucking show up. Nobody's going to notice. And they didn't. They did not. So today's one for you. I've learned that lesson a zillion times. This in your head, you have these fucking mountains.

Because whatever happened, you happening when you were a kid and it was your entire universe. So it becomes this big fucking thing in your head. And as an adult, you just walk up to it and it's like stepping up onto a curb. Like, oh God, I thought this was going to be a, no, you just show up and have fun. I don't know how to do that. Speaking up of, it was actually a great wedding too, by the way. It was a great wedding where you're seeing two people that are supposed to be together, that love each other, that it was really awesome. And then the people that spoke were great. You know, the, the MC crushed it. Great DJ. The whole thing was just wire to wire. You know, taco station, man. It was just, you know, it really made me wish I was still drinking,

but it was awesome. You know, there's nothing worse than going to a fucking wedding where it's just like these two people, what are they thinking? What this is like, you know, brushing your teeth and then having a glass of orange juice here. What are we doing? Those weddings are like, you can feel it. You can feel the divorce papers hanging in the air. I've been to two of those. And one ended up in divorce and the other one, I think they're still together. Um, yeah, the wall, man. One of them I went to, it was just like, I remember when the, the groom was toasting his bride, trying to say why he loved her and he was like searching for words. Oh God. Oh my God. I just want to crawl under the fucking tape.

So thank God. Is there anything better than going to a fucking wedding, getting out of your own head, having a good time and then seeing two people that love each other that want to be together? It was fucking awesome. I had the best time. Um, then we hung out for like an extra half a day and took my daughter out to an aquarium that they had there. And she had an awesome time and she got a t-shirt that had a shark that glows on the dark. So she was all excited. I want to wear this to bed so I can see it glow in the dark. And it was a good time, good time. So anyway, speaking of good times, I'm coming back to Boston. I'm coming back. I'm Bill Burr. I came to get down. I'm coming back to Boston and I am going to

be doing the Wilbur Theater on August 11th. It's already sold out in memory of our great friend, Wayne Previty, a giant hole in my heart that will never be replaced with him passing. All the proceeds are going to be going to the American Heart Association. And it's just going to be awesome. It's going to be a big reunion. The lineup is going to be a bunch of comedians that I started out with. And I have invited a bunch of comics, like more comics than I have available for spots. And we're going to have some Chinese food and all of that shit, because that's such a big thing. The Chinese food in New England, it's just next level. It's the best Chinese food I've had other than when I went to China, which was completely

different Chinese food, which was also amazing. Which by the way, if you ever go to Singapore or China and get dumplings, it's just you never knew that something like that even existed. The dumplings they had at the fucking airport would be in a five star restaurant over here. And that was just their bullshit airport dumplings as opposed to the spot that everybody goes to. But anyways, and I've never done this, I got to give a shout out to Chinese people in Boston and give them their props for what they've done for stand up comedy. An article really needs, I don't know if it's been written and probably been written, but like, I don't think they ever got the credit. The entire Boston Comedy scene started in a Chinese

restaurant at the Ding-Ho, where all these amazing comedians, Lenny Clark, Steve Sweeney, Don Gavin, Kenny Rogison, Jimmy Tingles, Steven Wright, all of these people. All of these people, Dennis Leary, all of these people started out, Tony V, Frank Sanarelli, all of these guys started out there and in this Chinese restaurant. And then like this, it just works so well that it just, I don't know, we have like stand up comedy and Chinese restaurants had like this handshake deal that, you know, we'll help you when you help. We'll bring people in here to eat your food and you let us stand on stage and, you know, tell our dumb jokes. And I did stand up like so many of my first shows were in Chinese restaurants.

They had these, there was actually a chain called the Aku Aku, or the Aku Aku. There was one in Worcester and one in Arlington. I did a million gigs there. I used to do the Kowloon. It was always a Chinese restaurant and stand up comedy. And I loved the Chinese, especially since I left, how great the food is back there. You know, for some reason around the country, you can't get crab rangoon, you can't get chicken fingers and all its specific New England Chinese food. And so shout out to Chinese people with your restaurants in Boston that wasn't for you guys. I wouldn't be here right now running my app. I don't know, because, and not, because there's nothing to it was, it was great stage time where they never like, you know, they didn't stick you next

to the kitchen where they were cooking. They always had a nice big room. It was closed off and they would just be coming in, bringing in the food and everything, but it was always like a function room. And you could have, you know, if you were on your game, you could have a great set. So I don't know. I think just going back and doing this reunion with all of these guys and then ordering Chinese food for everybody, maybe think of like, you know what that was such a huge, like every time I go back and eat Chinese food, I just start thinking about comedy shows, good and bad that I had. So thank you to the great people that make that food and help out all us comics, giving us a stage to work it out and figure out if we can do something in this business.

So as I mentioned, I will be back in Boston. So I'm going to try to do the cardio every day as I hit all of these spots that I want to go eat at. So I'm trying to have like a zero week, didn't gain anything, didn't lose anything. But I don't know, I haven't weighed myself yet since the fucking wedding, because I did eat like an asshole, but I just keep going to the gym and just knocking it out, getting it in, getting it in. And on the weekend, I wanted to go to the gym all three days. But when I got to the hotel, our room wasn't ready. And then there was the rehearsal dinner. So I didn't make it on the first day. I made it on the second day. And then yesterday I was like, all right, we'll check out, I'll take the kids to the aquarium, and then I'll

hit the gym afterwards. And you know how that goes, you're sitting in traffic, you're like, ah, fuck it, I'll go tomorrow. So whatever. But I did get one in. I did get one in and I ate pretty well. I also signed up for MLB on their website there. I signed up for it. Because now I'm all in with the Red Sox. And of course, I watched, we were up three to nothing in the first inning, gave up two runs in the second inning. And then they got like one and then they got two runs. The next thing, you know, I don't know, somehow we're not being like, it was like five to three. And then we tie it up and then we give up a run. And we give up another run. Last I saw it was seven to five, but some family came over and I had to say goodbye to them. So I think that's how it was.

But today at four o'clock, the Red Sox are playing the raise again, which you guys already know the result of. So I'm all in. I'm going to wash it. I guess the, the fucking senators had a fire sale, so did the Cubs. And I guess we picked up a pitcher. So we'll see how that goes. Speaking of free agents, fucking Westbrook, Westbrook grows to the fucking Lakers. Unbelievable. You fucking Laker fans, how they keep acting like the 2008 Celtics were the first pile on team. It's like, dude, that was our reaction to Kobe Shaq and fucking Phil Jackson going there. Come on, man. You guys started all of this shit. I'm so sick of those fucking teams. So I'm rooting for the sons in the Milwaukee Bucks and anybody who's not a pile on team at this point, that's my thing. I don't fucking,

because I really wasn't into the whole 2008. I mean, it was fun that we won it. We beat the Lakers with the pile on team, gave a taste of their own medicine. I thought that that was all right. But other than that, I mean, it was weird. We were like in last place and obviously we went to first place. The whole thing was just, I don't know, maybe I'm just an old guy, but I like seeing the best players play each other. I know I've said that a thousand fucking times. So I think at this point as an NBA fan, I am a fan of any team that is playing the pile on team. That's what it is. So we shall see. We shall see what happens. But the Lakers just have too much to offer with all the sun and all the whores out here. You just can't compete with them and they'll just

forever be winning fucking titles with other people's players. I mean, that's what the fuck they do. They've been doing it since they got fucking Kareem and Will Chamberlain. Oh god, I'm going in. I'm going in too hard on them. That's bullshit. Because back then, you signed one player, whatever. I respect all of the titles, except for Kobe's first three. I'll give you the last two. Okay, you know, but I know, come on. If you're going to fucking challenge the 0-8-1, I can challenge the four you last six. How about that? Is that all right? Or is this just getting an old? Am I just an old man talking in circles and nobody gives a fuck anymore? Is that what it is? I saw this thing about Eagles, right? This is literally what I do with my fucking days now,

now that I don't drink. I got nothing to do. I just, I've been watching The Untouchables, that series, season three, the original one with Robert Stack. Speaking of Lakers, I saw one with Diane Cannon, a young Diane Cannon, crushed it in this episode where she worked at like a supper club and she was a singer and she was dating the sort of the MC, comic, Frankie Avalon looking guy who ends up running his yapp and ends up fucking dead in a field. It's a fucking great episode. I am all in, all fucking in on The Old School Untouchables. Joe Bartnick has been telling me to watch it for years. So it's a great show, just a great show on me TV if you guys have it. And I don't know, what else? F1, I fucking missed the race. I got to see

it. I heard it was an amazing one. And I don't know what happened to Max Verstappen, but he ended up being in 10th split place and fucking Lewis Hamilton. And Lewis Hamilton comes in third. But I think that Sebastian Vettel is going to get a penalty, so he might even move up to second place. And he already has sole possession of first place. He leaped frog past Max Verstappen and only got one point. So that makes it like really exciting. But I still have to root for Max Verstappen because I feel like Lewis Hamilton, you know, as much as he endured racism and all that type of stuff, he's won it like a zillion times. And now he drives from Mercedes. It's like rooting for the rich kid. His daddy has the best car. He fucking wins it every year. And then if he doesn't win,

he cries with his helmet on. So I just can't get behind that. I'm sorry. So I'm rooting for fucking Max Verstappen. That's my deal. You know, and I love those announcers that do it because anything Lewis Hamilton. All right, this is it. Usually at this point during the podcast is where I would actually start to read the advertising, but I've yet to receive it. Oh, no, I guess I did. I guess it got sent in. You know, it's fucking just a half ass root that roof that really just sucks when you're a redhead. Are those stupid sunsail things? Jesus Christ. What is that fucking poor attempt? Why are they shaped like a fucking triangle? Are you trying to block the sun out or are you just trying to give me false hope? Can I buy two of them and have them interlocked

like shoes in a shoebox? So maybe there's a place for a fucking fair skin orange cut like myself to get out of the global warming of the sun. Then you know what happens is the fucking sun goes down when it starts to go down, then it's like it comes in from the side and just blast the side of your face. I'm telling you, dude, if we don't start turning this shit around, okay, if we don't start making biodegradable plastic or if we don't have another big fucking war and take out a whole bunch of people, which is why, if you notice, I didn't bring up any of that COVID stuff because now I'm rooting for COVID. At this point, I'm rooting for the virus. I've switched allegiances. If it's going to keep getting fucking hotter, man, we got to do something about these goddamn

sunsails. We have to use more of the earth's natural resources and fucking help out a goddamn redhead. You know what the reality is is I had to practice what I preached like, hey freckles, maybe you're not strong enough to survive global warming. Oh, there's another sci-fi movie. Right. The powers that be all the brown and black haired people that, you know, with the TV faces that run shit, right? They fucking keep dumping shit in the ocean because everybody knows redheads don't dump anything in the ocean. This is already going off the rails, whatever. This is just, I'm just throwing shit against the wall here. All right. Another sci-fi movie. All right. Maybe somebody animates one of these things. We'll start making

Billy's sci-fi movies. All right. In a world in about 50 years, the earth is so hot that redheads can no longer survive. Okay. As always, blondes, brunettes, and people with black hair don't give a fuck. So they just go, you're not strong enough to be here. You know what I mean? Me with my olive skin, my tan skin, my skin of color, I can survive with sunblock 200, right? But the redheads all slowly die off and nobody cares. So then we have to go underground, right? And all the good looking people, the people with the pigment that everybody loves, they continue to live fucking up the planet and eventually everything shuts down. All right. Society, the whole fucking thing. And then that's when we come back up out of the manholes. It's like children of the corn meets escape from New York

with a touch of golden girls. Because there's going to be a bunch of old people that live under a mountain that we'll all, we all come together in the end. The redheads and the blondes, brunettes, we all go in and we kill them. The maker's a plastic. That's what it's going to be. All right. That wasn't the best one. There's an idea in there somewhere where, you know, oh, I know it is, redheads feel rejected. Roy, you didn't take it serious until you started dying of sunburns, did you? And you were content to let us all die off. What you didn't know is that redheads have a higher threshold for pain. We went underground in the sewage. We went underground with your discarded exotic pets, your reptiles, your boa constrictors, your alligators.

For the last 20 years, I've been eating shit covered snakes and alligators. And I've come back to get what's mine. Are you with me? And all these redheads, then they all come up out of the fucking manholes. And there's nothing scarier than a group of redheads together. Okay. We're just supposed to be like, we add a little color. You know, we're supposed to be spliced together. But all of a sudden, if there's just like a group of 20 of us like that music video, which I even found unsettling, I even saw it like, what are all those redheads up to? You know, I was actually mad at the redheads that agreed to be in that. Do you have any fucking self esteem? You have no pigment or self esteem that you're allowed to be,

you going to go do this fucking video? Anyway, the only thing scarier than that assembly of a bunch of redheads would be a bunch of redheads coming up out of the sewer that have been shit covered fucking pythons for the last 20 years, coming back into society for vengeance. And that's where it picks up. You know, if you do the Hollywood version, the blonde blue eyes would fuck it. Well, no, at this point, they make it a black person because they want to act like they weren't the racist white people who weren't hiring black people just five years ago. Now they're all, oh, let's make it a person of color with a missing limb. See, we're not, we can check two boxes. You know, that bean counting, caring.

You don't really change what's in your heart. You just cast what you know will come back and bite you in the ass unless you do something about all the shit that you've done before. Anyway, let's do the live reads here. Okay, headspace, everybody. Headspace, man! Oh, wouldn't it be great if there were a podcast size guy that helped you fucking sleep? Sleep, focus, act, be better. Act like you become a better actor or behave. There is. And if you have 10 minutes, headspace can change your life. Headspace is your daily dose of mindfulness in the form of guided meditation and an easy to use app. Headspace is the only one of the, is one of the only medist, meditation apps advancing the field of mindfulness and meditation

through clinically validated research. So whatever the situation, headspace really can help you feel better. Overwhelmed, headspace has a three minute SOS meditation for you. Need some help falling asleep? No problem. Headspace has a wind down session. Sessions their members swear by, oh fuck, I need one of those about every 10 minutes. And for parents, headspace even has morning meditations you can do with your kids. Well, if you know how to do that, you're a fucking genius. You can get a kid to meditate. Jesus Christ, you can't get him to sit still. Headspace's approach to mindfulness can reduce stress, improve sleep, boost focus, and increase your overall sense of wellbeing. Headspace is backed by 25 published studies

on its benefits, 600,000 five star reviews and over 60 million downloads. Headspace makes it easy for you to build a life changing meditation practice with mindfulness that works for you on your schedule anytime, anywhere. I got to do this. I've been wanting to be this person for a long time. You know, rather than flipping out, I need to meditate on this. You deserve to feel happier and headspace is meditation made simple. Go to headspace.com slash burr. That's headspace.com slash burr for a free one month trial with access to the best. This is the best deal offered right now. Headspace, head to headspace.com slash burr today. I feel like something got cut off there. A free month trial with access to, I imagine, meditations that you can download and listen to. All right,

and we got one other here. Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's simply safe. Isn't that how we all want to feel? I know during this different time, during these times of change. All right, simply safe, everybody. When simply safe home securities founders Chad and Eleanor Lawrence designed their first security system in their kitchen, they did it for a very personal reason. They did it for a very personal reason. Somebody stole their food, man. Their friends had just had their home broken into. They were struggling to find a security system that was simple to set up. It would make them feel safe again. Wait a minute. These two people were cooks and they were able to design a home security system. How much did they suck at cooking that

they had this skill that they can become this successful? Or maybe they're just those people that are good at everything. Chad and Eleanor, I really resent you too. Making people feel safe is what Simply Safe has been doing ever since that moment 15 years ago. A passion to protect people not only drives every engineering detail in its products, but it motivates every interaction with its customers. And the thing is, Simply Safe just makes it so easy. It takes about two minutes to customize a system on their website, simplysafe.com slash burr. Simply Safe has highly trained security experts ready whenever you need them. Whether that's during a fire, a burglary, a medical emergency, or even just when you're setting up the system. There's always someone

there who has your back to keep you safe and make sure you feel safe. As my listener, this is the privilege you get simply from listening to this podcast. Okay. My uninformed views, my babblings, and my just toxic male way of dealing with things. As my listener, you can save 20% on your Simply Safe security system and get your first month free when you sign up for interactive monitoring service. Just visit Simply Safe S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E dot com slash burr to customize your system and start protecting your home and family. That's simply safe dot com slash burr S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E Sorry. Thought I had the same amount of letters. F-E. That was one E. All right. So anyway, you're usual. You guys like to write in. You like to say what's going on.

You know, you ask me for advice. Oh, I haven't played that in a long fucking time. Remember that song? The advice jingle? Anybody? Oh, why isn't it playing? Do I have the sound down? What do I got to do? Why I clicked on the advice? Hey! That's me. Somebody else. All right. It is time, man. It is fucking time when you guys write in. You know, I'm trying to, you know, trying to help you out here. You know, something that I wish this younger generation would do more of. I got to tell you, as an old fart fucking comedian, it breaks my heart seeing fucking

stand-up comics going after other stand-up comics on social media. For the love of God, can you guys get each other's phone numbers and work it out? You're both comedians. You're on the same fucking team. What are we doing? There's enough people coming at comedians. We don't need to be coming at each other. Kills me. Oh, these kids today. These kids today. What are they doing? All right. British spelling. Dear Yankee dum-dum nuts. Oh, Jesus Christ. Coming with the ins- dum-dum nuts. All right. You corrected a fan for spelling favorite with an OU as in F-A-V-O-U-R-I-T-E. That's the way it's, it's, that's the way it's spelled. That's the way they spell it there. Sorry. Also color, C-O-L-O-U-R is spelled that way. If you don't believe me,

type it into a word doc and watch it. Not all capitals. Correct your spelling. Listen, buddy. Okay. I'm American. All right. We don't give a fuck how you spell it. All right. This is how it works. You adjust to us, not the other way around. You know it. You know it's true. As much as you guys say you hate us, you can't stop paying attention to us. No one knows the name of your leader. Nobody gives a fuck. I'm sure you have the Oscars and the Grammys over there, your versions of it, and nobody cares. They want to win the one that's here. All right. If we don't give a shit about the world sport, do you think I give a fuck about how you spell favorite? Why don't you call something else brilliant? That isn't really brilliant.

No, fuck with you. I didn't know I do. I didn't know that that's how they spell. I know how the Canadians spell Canadians, I-E-N-S, as opposed to I-A-N-S, because I give a fuck about hockey. I'm sorry. I barely know how to spell it over this way. Sorry. I'm not a wordsmith. All right. I know that you guys are over there. You're living over there in England. Look at you guys. Look at all you have to be proud of. Almost winning that soccer championship, beating up the fans, defenseless fans, five on one fights, beating them up, kicking them in the head before the fucking game. You have the nerve to call us a bunch of fat animals. You know, maybe if you got a little fatter like an American,

you wouldn't have enough cardio to boot the guy in the head for the sixth fucking time. You'd be a little winded after the first one. All right. Sorry. I didn't mean any of that. They mentioned I'm drinking a smoothie while I do that. I'm drinking a smoothie and I'm in my bare feet. You know, LA didn't get rid of my east coast edge. All right. Well, thank you for the spelling lesson. You should probably give me reading out loud lessons first before you try to correct or let me know how the world spells favorite. All right. Unwanted pussy solution. Hey, Billy bitch tits.

I don't know why that's so fun. Bitch tits is just hilarious. And then you get the alliteration in there. Billy bitch tits. You know, I sound like right now I sound like one of those guys on the food show. You know, when they break down the food, oh, so you got the savory and then you got the sugary and then it comes back to a savory fucking. Do you get what you're fucking do? Okay. So you put the onions in there and then you're going to caramelize it. All right. Wait, you put an ice cream on that? Oh my God. Oh, this is delicious. That's what he just did with Billy bitch tits. All right. I was listening to your podcast where you mentioned the unwanted cat in your driveway. My wife doesn't want it there. I love

that fucking cat. Kind of ironic that you're looking to chase pussy away when you couldn't get it, get any for years. But I guess this is different. Oh Jesus. Well, the old badump bump there. Buddy, you didn't even listen. You were so focused on your fucking joke. I guess I said in the end, I was worried that it was going to, you know, we had, you know, we had birds, mother bird, you know, not in a relationship, got knocked up, you know, this fucking horse, right? And she had her kids in the, in the potted plant, you know, father wasn't around absentee father. It's terrible. And that was the only time I didn't like the cat. Cause I was like, if that thing goes up there and kills those little birds in front of my daughter, they just see like a couple of bird

heads there. Like they'll really be traumatic, but I love the cat. Okay. So with your little, did you see what I did there? Any, anyhow, what you need is a lie is lion shit. Serious nature reserves and zoos sell it for this exact purpose. The cat smells it, recognize it. Oh lie. I thought you meant you need some lion shit, motherfucker. You meant literally lion shit. The cat smells it, recognizes it as a superior species and find some other poor schmuck's driveway to shit in. Dude, how big is a lion shit? I mean, that's gonna be fucking, that's like a year's worth of cat shit. Why would I do that? I bought some, hey, this lion took a dump. You want to stick it in your driveway? First of all, how does a fucking domesticated cat from the United

States of America know what the apex predator shit smells like in Africa? What's he going on, travel.com on the fucking weekends? I bought some from a safari park here in the UK and it worked on my neighbor's cat doing the same thing on my lawn. Are you serious? Love the podcast, stay off the donuts, fuck the Patriots, go Steelers. Well, I can see why you say fuck the Patriots if you're a Steeler fan, but Tom Brady left us, so I don't know where we are now, so I imagine you can finally beat us. But you know what? You'll always have to sit there and realize that you never beat the New England Patriots in a significant game when Tom Brady was here. Like I didn't take pleasure in the Patriots beating the Steelers when Terry Bradshaw wasn't there.

It felt good when Ben Roethlisberger showed up though, because Ben is a man. Ben is a man, he rides a motorcycle without a helmet, god damn it. All right, let's look up lion dung for sale. God, there's stuff, oh my god, the fuck out here. Predator P, Mountain Lion urine. Now, does this do the Amazon sells mountain lion piss? I mean, Jesus, how many fucking people are they trying to put out of business? Can of Tiger Poo. Oh my god. That almost makes me gag. Can you imagine working at that fucking, I mean it's like a dumb shit joke, but seriously. Oh my god, gross.

I guarantee you human shit still smells worse. I mean, Patrice used to joke about that. How human shit, every other shit was funny. If you stepped in cow shit, you step in dog shit, horse shit, all of it, bird shit, all of it is funny. But the rankest, most nastiest shit out there is human shit. Love it so much. Okay, this is the review, Tiger Poo. Love it so much, funny and kitschy addition to my dining room. Oh, so this is, okay, this is a joke. Oh, okay, love it. It was a huge hit. Put it on top of my fridge as a conversation piece. Boy is it. Okay, so it's a joke. Okay, I was gonna say, my god, it's just pictured somebody with a giant, like, you know, like an ore that you row a boat with just stirring fucking tiger shit.

Predator P. All right, shop cat deterrent. All right, homemade repellent. They're like, is this what you're looking for? Do you realize I looked up lion shit and then like, all right, buddy, why don't you just get these fucking things here? No, no, no, let's get back to fucking mountain lion piss. Mountain lion urine. You can buy it on Amazon. Predator P. Well, wait a minute. There's a mountain lion in my fucking neighborhood. Now, what if I spray this shit and I go from a small cat I can deal with to a bigger fucking cat? I can't go mountain lion pee. This mountain lion thinks he has a chance. I got to go I got to go lion pee, right? Mountain lion urine territorial marking scent creates illusion

that a mountain lion is nearby reduced. Okay, let's let's see. Does mountain lion urine attract mountain lions? Here we go. It's right there. Somebody here. By liberally marking an area with mountain lion pee, you duplicate the territorial marking habits of mountain lions in the wire. This illusion triggers an instinctive response in prey. If mountain lions scent is around, these animals want to be far away. But what about mountain lions? What about mountain lions? Jesus Christ, look at this fucking rabbit hole you asshole sent me down. Does mountain lion yet? Does it attract other fucking mountain lions? Predator odors attract other predators. Yeah, see, look at me. Opalic common sense here.

Predator odors attract other prey creating an all factory web of information. Many studies have reported the aversive reactions of prey towards a predator's odor. Urine, a behavior widely thought to reduce the risk of predation by the predator. However, because odor signals persist in the environment, they are vulnerable to exploitation and eavesdropping by predators, prey and conspecifics. I have no idea what I'm reading right now. As such, scent patches created by one species might attract another species interested in information about their enemies. We study this. You know what? You know what? This is classic white people's shit where I'm going to solve a small problem by creating an even bigger problem. A very brilliant

person said to me one time said, human beings are the only people that don't adapt to nature. They try to make nature adapt to them. And we start fucking with the matrix. I'm not fucking with the matrix. Okay. I can deal with the house cat. I'm not fucking fucking taken lion shit. First of all, I couldn't even find it. Let me look it up again. Because I know the person who said, well, I didn't say mountain lion pee. I said lion shit. Lion poo poop for sale. You can get it in the UK. Oh God, you guys are fucking cultured out there, aren't you? All right. The only true socially big cat. Lion poo for sale. You can't buy this shit. Watch German circus sells giant sells jars of lion poop for gardening. At least they're recycling.

Does lion poo really keep cats away? Here we go. Here we go. All right. If you have a beautiful garden that you're proud of, you probably spend a lot of time in that garden. In fact, you probably spend most of the weekends. What the fuck are we talking about your garden for? Oh Jesus Christ. Okay. All that being said, there are also times when gardening can get stressful. This is especially true if you are battling cats or other small animals. I don't know cats fucked up gardens. These mammals not only like to get into the garden and eat your plants and flowers, but they like to leave you little presents everywhere in the form of scat. See that? I think there's a reason why cat is in the word scat. Now, one might think that animal

scat is a good fertilizer, but that isn't the case at all. In fact, it might. Well, then how are you talking about a garden? Lion poo. The first thing you know is that lion dung is solid. Online is solid. Lion dung is sold online in pellets, and there are a number of individuals that have boasted about this product, everything it has to offer, why lion poo might work, why lion poo might not work. You know what, dude? This is too early in the process. I'm not going to be a guinea pig and fucking have some lion poo with some goddamn bear urine, and all of a sudden, you know, I open the door, you know, and whatever that I sprayed out there, you know, somebody's looking for a suitor. It's not happening. Okay, not my world, right? You can take your

fucking lion poo. You can send it right back to the fucking jungle you found it in because I ain't going to buy it. All right, childhood snack. Hey, dear Billy, bottom bitch, burr. I have a question for you that goes back to the days where you were not allowed to touch the thermostat. But before I asked the question, I have a story on why I am so interested. My dad told me a story about one of his favorite childhood snacks. It was something called a wish sandwich. They wrote a whole song about that. You wish you had some meat, ba ba ba ba. Okay, the ingredients to the wish sandwich are two slices of bread, mustard, and you wishing that there was meat and cheese to go along with it. My dad's family grew up very poor, and this would be all that they would eat for a meal at rough times.

Yes, the condiment sandwich, the worst of meals being crackers and ketchup. They still laugh about it every now and then. And then they have a wish sandwich to remember their childhood. So I got in the habit of asking people their favorite childhood snack or meal. Would you be surprised by some? You would be surprised by some people's answers. So I thought I would ask a fatty like yourself, what was your favorite childhood snack or meal? Thanks and go fuck yourself. My favorite childhood snack to everything. Everything. I've already talked to you about stakums. That's when I felt like I was becoming an adult when I would come home and I would make myself a stakum, which was paper thin beef from some sort of animal that was like frozen and then

you'd put it in the pan. And when it became like see through and brown, you'd flip it over, then you put a little cheese on top and then you stick it on some white bread and try to eat it before all the grease made it off. Soak and wet bread. It was those I like as far as like junk food goes. I like Fritos still my all time favorite chip is a Frito. I never made the leap to Doritos. I just don't like them. The original, the winter winter green, whatever they got every fucking flavor Doritos, ice, Zimas Doritos. I don't like any of them. I like Fritos. I used to like bugles. I don't know if I'd be into those too much now, but I like Doritos. As far as cookies go. All right. I like Oreo cookies. I do like double stuff. I like the blonde Oreos. I really like Oreos.

And everything else, I don't know. Everything else can go fuck itself as far as cookies go, unless you just make like a homemade one. But like, I don't eat that shit right now. I got to wait till I get in shape again. So then I become a fat fuck again when I eat all that crap. Let's see. What else? I liked cereal back in the day. I liked Boo Berry. I liked Count Chocula. Even though I'm a ginger, I still didn't like Frankenberry. I liked shredded wheat with like a pound of sugar on it. I liked Corn Flakes, Raisin Bran, Cheerios. And then when I became an adult, if I was going to treat myself to a cereal that I shouldn't be eating, it was cinnamon life.

And then as far as like those fucking baked like cake, pre-kaked fucking things, Twinkies can go fuck themselves. Devil Dogs can go fuck themselves. Twinkies because they don't taste like anything. Devil Dogs because they're fucking as dry as anything I've ever had in my fucking life. Hostess cupcakes weren't that bad. I like those. They at least weren't dry. But I wasn't into yodels or any of that shit. I didn't like a lot of the cakes, man. But as far as like growing up, you know, we had money, then we didn't have money, then we had a little money. And then I moved out. So like,

we sort of always like chipped beef on toast, chicken a la king, Hungarian goulash. We ate all of that shit. Pork chops, occasionally. Cube steaks, as you guys know. You know, the fucking 70s meat. That wasn't even considered fucking poor food. It was just, you know, I told you. Until I got with black people, I thought macaroni cheese was a fucking main dish. That's what we ate it as a main dish. Like we were having pasta. My mother would fucking take out like, you know, four little, those little fucking TV dinner crates of them, heat them up in the oven. Then you'd peel off the top and then you just heat them up in the oven and then you just throw

it in a bowl and everybody would eat them. We'd have it with toast. And it was delicious. All right, animosity towards my fiance. Oh boy. Oh boy, here we go. Here comes somebody maybe needs to pull the plug there. First off, let's set things straight here. All right. You are a funny motherfucker. I fucks with you. I fucks with you tough. You are the funniest comedian out there. I like this person. None of my compliments, not holding me accountable for my actions. Nothing but, you know, praise. Now let me get off your nuts because I know people tell you this shit all the time. Doesn't mean I don't like to hear it. So thank you. I have a, I have a life story to tell you

about. Let's see how this goes. I've been with my girl now since November 2018. You're a pilot through the math. All right. Well, it's two and a half years. I mean, I don't think that has anything to do with flying a plane. Rewinded September 1st, 2018. My father passed away. Sorry to hear that. I'm a wreck. My girl at the time who I was with for six years, who I adored, loved, never cheated on, treated her like the fucking queen I thought she was, leaves me a month after my dad dies. Oh dude, that means she wanted to dump you before, and then she was just like, fuck his dad died. Now I got to hang around for another month. God, damn it. It was a blessing in disguise because she was one of those girls that liked, that liked to

hit. Oh yeah. My wife used to be like that. She used to fucking throw shit and punch me. He's lunatic. She used to call it, I'm passionate. She was a narcissist, controlling as hell, also found out she cheated on me. Oh, Jesus. You fucking dodged a bullet there, sir. So now I'm a double wreck, feeling lost and heartbroken at this point. Hey, I have feelings, fucker. This is typical guys. Like, I'm feeling heartbroken. He couldn't just say that. He had to throw a fuck you across the bow to keep me at bay here. Not even a week later, this amazing woman. Amazing. All capital letters, woman, just falls into my lap. So what do I do? After all, yeah, yeah, bullshit. What does she do? I tell her I'm not ready for

a relationship. I tell her that she's a good woman and she doesn't deserve how I'm going to treat her. Parentheses like shit. I told her I know how I am and I don't want to treat her horribly just because my last relationship ended so wrong. That was a mature thing to know about yourself. I wasn't ready. You know, the dust must settle and the debris must be thrown out from the wreckage of the last relationship. Yes. My girl now insisted on staying with me to help me go. No, my girl now, this woman, same person, insisted on staying with me to help me go through my tough time. I didn't want her to. I wanted to be myself, constantly trying to push her away. I wanted time to focus on me. That didn't happen. Valentine's Day came around. I tried to break up with her

that night, but when I told her we couldn't see one another, the waterworks came and I gave into the tears and she got away. Now, fast forward about a year. We have a beautiful baby girl together. Oh my goodness, January 25th, 2020. Congratulations. I hope we're a family as we should be. We plan on getting married in September, 2021. Where is the problem? I feel animosity towards my fiance for never giving me the chance to breathe. I haven't been able to mentally place myself into this relationship. I feel like I used all my good energy on the wrong person in my last relationship. Now we're getting married with a little girl and I still feel the same. It's not fair for such an amazing woman like her to be with a damaged man

like myself. I want to get back to normal and be able to mentally check into this relationship finally. I'm questioning getting married right now. I'm so confused and still feel lost. Any advice would be wonderful. Go fuck yourself. All right. I don't think you're holding yourself accountable for your actions here. All right. You knew from day one you didn't want to be with this woman and you needed your space. All right. And you keep blaming her like she pulled you in, like you didn't have the power to say no. You broke up with her on the evening of Valentine's Day. All right. She starts crying and rather than sticking to your guns you stayed into it and now you have a kid with her. So what I would do if I was you is stop blaming her

and feeling resentment towards her. You should actually be questioning what is wrong with you that you didn't want to be in something. You got into it and now you're you have a kid and you're going to get married. You need to go to therapy is what I would do. I would go to therapy and be like, Hey, tell her what him or her you talking to what you just did and try to figure out why you do that stuff rather than blaming this woman who you say is an amazing woman who, you know, you have a kid with. But to give you something positive here, you know, in case you think I'm coming down on you, this is a part of life. Part of life is blaming other people for decisions that you made until one day you hold yourself accountable like what am I

contributing to this situation? You know, why what happened to me that made me once a woman cried given and most guys do give in when that happens. I've done both and I'll tell you it never works out either way. I've called them on really you're going to cry about this. How old are you? That never ends well. It's so cold. Pregnant woman's rights. Dear Billy vanilla ice cream, sandwich, love and birth guilty is fucking charged. Vanilla ice cream, Billy vanilla ice cream, sandwich, love and birth. I like that one. I recently saw a visibly pregnant woman smoking. Hey, man, it's her kid. I couldn't believe with all the information we know about tobacco that this still occurs. So I made a post about her on Facebook talking about how if we can smash a window

to get a dog out of a car, why can't we smack the cigarette out of a pregnant woman's mouth? That's fucking hilarious. Oddly, this didn't go well. I know you're being sarcastic and became a discussion about women's rights to her anatomy. I am pro choice but smoking while pregnant should be regarded as child abuse. What are your thoughts on this liberals gone wild moment? I hope you were having a great go fuck yourself. Whatever that means. Well, yeah, dude, if you post something like that on the internet, you think some fucking morons aren't going to jump on the hook and start yelling at you. I think it was a, I think it's a great joke. That's what I think. I think it's a really good joke and I think you should continue

doing jokes like that because I think it's funny and I can tell you right now, if men carried the baby and we smoked, a woman would have every right to slap it out of our mouths. That's my baby too and they would do it. And you know what? They'd be right. They'd be right. She's making decisions for someone who doesn't have the ability to make a decision. An unborn child. I mean, Jesus Christ. But as I've learned throughout the years that women are, when you're in a relationship and then you're married and there's a kid and everything, they are number one. They are the starting quarterback. It's them, then the kids, then whatever the fuck's going on in the house and then you. That's how it fucking works.

That's how the pyramid is built. So it doesn't surprise me that a small number of psycho women are arguing that, but I don't believe that most women feel that. And I don't think that people really think you want to go out and slap it out of her mouth. What you should do is get a spray bottle of water and put it on the, the most widest like, you know, so it hits her in the face too. Oh, what are we doing? Put that out. There's a baby in there. You're welcome. Skip away. And you just do it with water. You know, water is all natural. Most people are dehydrated. So it's like, and smoking makes you dehydrated. So there you go. Right there. Look what I did. See what I did. I saved your baby and hydrated your breast. How could you be that

mad at me? I moisturized your face. Well, you know, helping, helping your unborn baby. Like, what could be the problem? Who knows? All right, that is the podcast, everybody. I'm going to go watch the Red Sox just playing the devil raise. I'm going to record that. I'm going to actually go swim in with my kid. That's what I told her I was going to do. And I have to do it because, you know, eventually, they're not going to want to do it. That's why, you know, eventually they're going to get like right now she has a tablet and that fucking thing is just like it's really cutting into daddy daughter time. So we got to like, you know, dude, you get your kid like any sort of computer or a phone or anything like that. It's like giving a crack head crack.

You immediately have a problem. All of a sudden, you can't get them to answer your questions, look at you or anything like that. So I got to make sure I put in the quality time. So that is it, everybody. Thank you to everybody that bought tickets to the Wayne Previty benefit slash memorial slash reunion. I'm very excited to get back there and eat all that delicious food. So I'm going to keep going on the elliptical elliptical burr. I'm also, you know, lifting the weights did throwing them around. I did the old legs and eggs today. My favorite thing that the fucking leg room dude, I'll tell you, man, word is out about legs. The leg room the last couple of times I've gone in there has been

packed. Usually the loneliest part of the room is the fucking squat rack and all of that shit. But lately people have been in there. And I like the guys I remember back in the day a squat rack was something to hang your fucking, your fucking champion hoodie on as you benched for the ninth day in the fucking room. Alright, that's it, everybody. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.