Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-20-12

Episode Date: August 21, 2012

Bill rambles about the environment, whores at work, and the irrational hatred of rich people.

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I'm going to be doing a podcast for Monday, August 20th, 2012. How's it going? How are you? I can't fucking hear myself. I don't know what the fuck happened to my other, my regular headphones, which suck by the way, because they flake all over my ears. What does that mean, Bill? I don't know, little pieces of plastic, you know?

Like they don't have the space age technology. Whenever somebody uses that expression, you know they have no idea what they're talking. This is just coming from the gut. Like they don't have the fucking space age technology to make a set of headphones that'll just last forever. You know, can't do that, can you? Well, if we make it last forever, they're never going to come back and buy another one. Then what are we going to do?

I don't know. Go plant some beets, you fucking cunt. Do you feel how fucking hot the sun is lately? Have you felt it? You know, do you remember it ever being as fucking hot as it is now? Like literally God has a magnifying glass right up on the crown of your head. Granted, part of it could be because my hair's standing out. But I choose not to address that this week.

You know, the goddamn hole in the ozone layer. Can you make fucking headphones last a little bit longer? You know, so now what? I'm supposed to throw out these other ones, these flaky ones that I can't even fucking find, right? I love how you put it in a trash. Put it in the fucking trash. Like it's still not going to end up outside somewhere. It is outside.

We just have it over here in this contained area. You know what? I'm not going to be able to tell whether any of this is funny because I can't hear myself. I'm like a singer right now, you know, turn up the monitors. Oops, I did it again. I shaped my pussy. Yeah, so I got to go out and go buy another, another fucking pair of headphones. I'm one of those crabby old fucking people who I, when I buy something, I use it until it's fucking, it becomes literally a different matter.

You know what I mean? It starts dissolving into a powder. Is that a different matter? All you eggheads out there? Well, technically a powder is still a solid. It's just in a more graduated form. Thank you. Never fucking got your dick sucked.

Why don't you go back with your lab coat and have a nice fucking hand job with yourself and pipe in again later when I say something stupid. I'm a little wound up this morning. I'm excited. An older wiser Bill Burr, wiser than he was last week. I'm finally back. I'm back here in Los Angeles. You know, which is always, you know, kind of a creepy place to come back to once you've been on the East Coast and you're sitting there looking at all the green trees and all the ponds and all the lush land back there. And I fly across the fucking country as I always say, watching the country slowly die.

Right. Slowly getting fucking, you know, geographical chemotherapy. This used to be a big bandana tied right over fucking Arizona in Southern California. Oh, that's good built little cancer joke in there with your fucking musings about our topography. But I got to admit, I'm actually excited to be on this side of the country. I think I have a better chance of surviving whatever the fuck is going to happen to this planet, believe it or not, in this overpopulated city that technically has no water supply. I have a better fucking chance. Why you ask?

I'll tell you why. Because I read a fucking article. I didn't read it. Who's kidding? Who I glazed over it and it was so fucking depressing. It scared the fucking shit out of me. But as far as I can tell, New York City is going to look like Venice in about three years. That's what I'm guessing.

You know, it's going underwater. That's what I think. So if you're on the third floor or lower, you might want to consider selling your apartment now. They're just doing all this shit talking about how, you know, the glaciers are melting at a much quicker rate than scientists first feared. Look at this picture from July. Now look at this one. You know, I have no idea. You know, it's funny.

I have no idea if the pictures are even fucking real. You know, they're like these pictures that show like, you know, red and white. White obviously being the glacier. Red being now like fucking the sunburned shoulders of a redhead or some shit, right? So it's basically scaring the shit out of me. And then I actually found comfort in something. Well, they were saying that scientists, you know, now that so much shit is melted in Antarctica, they're actually saying that this is even being recorded. I can't even fucking hear myself.

What's the solution? Bill, should you turn it up a little bit? Maybe a little bit halfway through it? Why not? Now look at it. Now it just went through the fucking roof and I still can't hear myself. Anyways, scientists or the writer who wrote the article, maybe they just made it up. I have no fucking idea.

They really said that they discovered, you know, that back in the day, Antarctica was Antarctica, Bill. Antarctica. Antarctica. Who gives a fuck, you know? God damn place with all those fucking penguins sitting there pushing their fucking eggs up. Who fucking went and saw that March of the Penguins? Why don't you just call it, I want to cry for the final half hour. You know, that's what every nature show is.

Let's show you how fucking cute they are. And now we're going to show you what we're doing to them. And now you sit there with this hopeless, sad fucking feeling. Right? And then what? If you'd like to donate, give the fucking save the penguins feet. Right? Dot com.

And then what do you do? You go over to your checkbook, you know, and you pull out another check and you write it out and then you grab a fucking envelope. Then you grab a stamp, you do all that bullshit. Oh, you print out a stamp if you're using stamps.com. Oh, what a whore. Right? And you mail it off thinking you did a good thing. But what did you do?

You just used a whole bunch of paper. Yeah, you know, right, but you do that enough people do that they got to cut down another tree. Right? Next thing you know, that little fucking penguins got nothing to sit underneath. You know, when he jacks this little fucking penguin dick to make another egg. Isn't that how it works? Aren't they like asexual? Don't they fucking jack off with their little flipper into the other flipper and then do like a pap smear fucking,

sort of a George Gervin lay up to their own fucking crotch area. George Gervin the Iceman. That actually made sense. Penguins, ice, right? Ah, go fuck yourselves. Anyways, so this part isn't made up. They actually said that the fucking Antarctica, that the fucking Antarctica, okay? For you people who are scientists out there.

Jesus, Bill, just say what they said. Just say what the guy said that they said that you now believe. Um, he said, uh, Jesus, I guess stop talking to our cell phone. That Antarctica is people punching their dashboard right now. Spit it out. Antarctica used to be a tropical forest. All right. I know a lot of rednecks went, oh, where you fucking go?

Shit, you know? Now I don't feel bad about driving my fucking Ford High Boy into the fucking swamps running over a Weber. Well, I think their tails are so flat. They used to be around to me, my truck went in that creek. Anyway, ain't nothing I like than driving over some hairy little fucker. I love it. Raccoons, there's just something about them. Raccoons, possums, all of them.

They just got this look on their face that just says, shoot me. You know? I'm just going with my instincts. I'm out in nature and I'm just going with it. I'm saying these little fuckers. They're staring at me. I got my headlights on them. They just keep fucking looking at you.

Don't get shot. Stop fucking looking at me. That's how I look at it. Um, this is what I believe with that information that that guy said that the other guy said that know what they're talking about. So I think that the global war, I can't believe I'm actually trying to attempt to discuss this subject. I think global warming is actually natural, but we are hastening it. We're just making it way fucking quicker. We have it on fast forward.

You know, like you fast forward through commercials. That's what we're doing. And we're doing that towards our, uh, our own fucking demise, which I think is going to be tremendous. You know, and then we'll die and then maybe all the shit that, you know, when they put a microscope up to your skin, all that little shit there that's crawling all over you. Maybe, maybe that's the next thing that's going to build a skyscraper. Name it after themselves and people write a whole fucking nice version of their life because they're afraid that there actually is some old man in the sky that's going to fucking judge him when they die. You know, if you could write your own little thing, your own little ditty about your life, how would you sum yourself up? I love people that kind of know they were a douche.

You know, although he didn't always right there, you know, like, okay, I know I'm kind of going to hell in a way. Speaking of which, I started reading this book, Sins of the Father. It's a book I wanted to read for a long time. It was about Joe Kennedy. And I figured what better time to start reading that book while I was taking an ultra white vacation on the island of Nantucket. Considering you get on the high speed ferry, run over a couple of seals. Right out of Hyannisport, home of the Kennedy compound. You know, and for so long, what did they say?

They call it Camelot. They're the first fucking royal family and all that bullshit, right? But I always heard, you know, what's his face? Joe Kennedy was, you know, goddamn rum runner. You know, he made all this money inside of trading and all this fucking bullshit, right? So I want to read about it. I want to see, I want to hear the other side. Now that I've read the fluff about all the sacrifices he made for this country and all his kids die in, you know, in war and in public servants getting assassinated

and fucking going skiing while trying to play football, right? I was like, I got to check this shit out. And I read it, you know, I got the book. I thought it was going to be a great book. That book is, it's like a fucking, I feel like some soccer mom reading some juicy like summer novel. Like I should be digging my toes in the sand with my knees up to my chest as I read it. It's just such a one sided and it's so, so much fucking hearsay. You know, did he, did he do this for this reason? Or maybe he did it because he was a cunt.

First of all, the guy made a fuckload of money. All right, let's get down to brass tacks. The guy is one of the weirdest looking human beings I've ever seen in my life. I used to think all the Kennedys had that same look about them cause they sort of did a Rothschild thing where they kind of, they kind of fucked real close to the farm, so to speak. So they kind of had that and your, here comes my big fucking head over here, right? He's a fucking weird looking dude. I will definitely give you that, but when he did his insider trading, it wasn't illegal.

You know, the guy actually says in the book that it wasn't illegal, so he didn't do anything wrong. You know, it was looked down upon, it was considered a shady thing to do, but the guy goes and then he has some sort of quote of Joe Kennedy going, come on, let's do this quick before they make a law against it. It's like, where did you get that fucking quote from? I don't know. So all I do is I'm just skipping around the book. I want to see how he reacted when Jack got whacked.

I wanted to see what happened to that kid that, you know, they said was mentally challenged, but maybe wasn't, was just a pain in the ass and they gave her a fucking lobotomy. It's really just a sad fucking read. I just jumped around it and now I'm going to use it as a fucking paperweight. And I can't tell you how long I wanted to read that book. I know what you're thinking right now, but where the fuck are you going with this? I don't know. I don't know where I'm going.

I can't fucking hear myself. All right. For those of you who didn't listen to my podcast last week, I have a new standup special called you people are all the same. And it's airing exclusively. It's streaming, whatever you could say on Netflix. And I know what you're thinking. Is it only on Netflix in America or the United States?

No, sir, ma'am, transgendered person. It's hermaphrodites. It's also on Canada, Netflix. It's also on Ireland, Netflix and Great Britain, Netflix, which I'm really excited about because I think I got, I think I have a very, very user friendly special. Got a little choked up there. I think people are going to like it.

What do you think about that? I'm actually, I'm feeling good. You guys, you guys wrote so many nice things to be on Twitter, which is a rarity to just get a whole nice sea of niceness. And I know a couple of cunts right now just for the fuck of it. I'm going to write a bad one, but I know what you're up to. So people asked me, they said, hey, how can I regular guy, regular old gal, just salt to the earth person?

How can I get a hard copy version of that hour of filth that you just put out on Netflix? This is the deal. The hard copy version, the digital version, whatever the fuck you want to download it to your iPod, your fucking iPad. Well, I don't know. Whatever you people use. I don't fucking know anymore. Okay.

However you want to, you want to go fucking old school. I'll put it out on VHS. You keep running your yaps. No, I'm not doing that. I'll put it out on DVD and all that stuff and you will be able to get it at my website and my website only build bird.com. That's it. We got a whole page set up, but I just, you know, it will be coming out in September.

It's going to let it marinate for good six weeks, let people go, oh, I like it. Where could I fucking buy it? Right. And then bam, it's going to be available. And the wonderful thing about this is I'm eliminating the middleman and that way it can be fucking cheaper. You know, I'm basically, I'm doing what Radiohead did 10 years ago. I'm doing what Prince did.

I'm going to do that thing, you know, and now it's gone into the whole fucking comedy world with Louis CK, Aziz and all those guys. And I, being the hack that I am, I'm following right in line. Okay. Seems to be working for everybody else. Why not me? So there you go. That's how you're going to be able to get it.

You're just going to go to my website and as that day approaches when you can do it, I will let you know. And I don't know what the prices are going to be. It seems like it's going to be $5. I want to be, I want to have it be $5 and one cent just to fucking piss people off. You know, sacrifice some sales just for people with this guy. I think he's one cent better than everybody else. So that's, that's the answer to your questions.

People have been asking me. All right. And that is it. Back to the podcast. If this podcast is even being recorded, God knows I can't fucking hear myself. Speaking of stamps.com everybody. Come on. Don't do this to me.

Oh, I hate this computer. I fucking, what is the problem? What is the fucking problem? I did it right. Oh, what? Now you're going to freeze up on me. You're going to freeze up on when I need you most, right? Right in the middle of the podcast.

So now what do I have to do? I have to force fucking quit. I don't like force quit. I'm too rapy. Isn't it? In a computer sense. Force quit. There you go.

I'm forcing you to quit. Yeah. Like an overbearing father. And you know, one thing that I noticed about myself, besides, you know, the obvious that I'm an extreme douchebag is when I was down in Nantucket, I really had to work on not hating rich people just because they were rich. You know, let me get the stupid commercial out of the way here real quick. Let me get the commercial.

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and all that type of stuff, nieces, nephews, the whole nine yards. Drinking again. Oh baby, I'm drinking again. I'm down there boozing it up. Drinking some of that Cisco brewery, whale tail, pale ale, whatever they got down there. I got my little Nantucket red fucking, I'm friends with the banker shorts on. I'm living the dream. All right.

And I'm just sitting there walking around and I'm looking at all these rich fucking people. And I just find myself, I fucking, the level with which I was judging them, which of course, no one would give a shit. You know what I mean? If I was judging, you know, a, a, a, a, a, what the fuck am I doing? If I was judging like, you know, some poor group of people like that, I would be considered the biggest douche ever. All right.

You don't know these poor people. Why are you judging them that way, right? But you, why am I stuttering? You fucking judge rich people that way. Everybody laughs. They all think it's funny, you know? I had to work the whole week. It's like, why do I hate that guy?

How do I know he didn't get his money legitimately? Why am I immediately assuming that this guy was a complete piece of fucking shit? You know? You know what it is? I don't like how rich people carry themselves. People born into wealth. They just have this like that time when I was in D.C. and that little fucking six year old kid got up,

walked right up to the bar, got climbed up on the stool and started calling out to this adult behind the bar. Sir. Sir. Excuse me, sir. Like, I'll never be able to do the proper read of that. The way this kid said it. There was such a comfort in summonsing this person over to come and talk to him,

to do whatever the fuck he needed him to do at six years old. It fucking annoys the shit out of me. And I was just looking at these fucking rich people. They have the creepiest looking goddamn kids you've ever seen in your life. Just creepy little fucking future banker CEO looking kids. You know, little blonde hair. They already got those chubby fucking, you know, all kids have chubby cheeks, but just the way they look, that waspy pedigree, right?

Which is another thing I can get away with. You know what I mean? The waspy pedigree. Everybody will laugh because no one gives a fuck about that. You can trash waspy people up and down. I can't be out with this, this, this Jewish kind of blah, blah, blah. That's it. I got to fucking apologize.

Waspy totally gets a fucking open lane. So anyways, waspy fucking look about him, right? With their fucking, you know, they look like little Winston Churchill's. Like they still talk like little kids, but they should be walking around. We shall never surrender. They just look like they're going to fucking get, they're going to get some great fucking job. And they're going to steal from the company.

And when they get caught, they're not going to get fucking prosecuted. Just like these goddamn bankers. Just like all these rich cunts. They're just not going to, because they're going to have connections. And he's going to know shit about people or whatever. And they just, they just hook each other up the same way. At the level that I grew up, you didn't rat out your friends. They're doing the same thing at their level except what they can do affects the entire population.

As opposed to the level that I came up with where, you know, maybe somebody's car that used to be there isn't there anymore. You know, that's insurance fraud. I guess that hopes that hurts the group. After a while, doesn't it? I don't know. So that was basically what I had to work at, you know, and they had this place down the street called the summer house.

I was staying up and sconce it and it's absolutely fucking beautiful. And I just couldn't get myself to go in there. I wanted to go in there. I wanted to sit down and have a fucking drink. But every time I saw another person going in with their fucking boat shoes, without any socks on, like I felt like there's this hatred coming up in me. And I justified it for like two, three days. And I was just like, what the fuck is wrong with me?

You know, I bet, you know, those people that they're probably just like me or the people I hang out with in that. As I always say, most of them are douchebags, but there's going to be like four or five people in there that are going to be really interesting. Every time I flew on the plane, right? I sat next to that guy who made a ton of fucking money starting his own credit card. And then he parlayed that money into buying cell phone towers. The guy was fucking hilarious.

He had it, lost it, had it all again, lost it. And then now he was on top again. He had this, hey, what the fuck are you going to do, vibe? Self-made man. So I'm sitting there going, they're not all like that, but they all had that same fuck eye there for their fucking feet. I can't stand them. I really got issues.

Because here I am, I'm down there on vacation and two acting like, oh, but I'm the down to earth douchebag with my salmon colored shorts on. Fucking hypocrite. I don't know. So anyways, I ended up going out fishing with my family. We had a great time. Didn't catch shit. Just caught bluefish.

Didn't even catch a striper. Didn't catch anything, but you know, it was still cool. And we didn't take more than that. Then we were going to eat. So I didn't feel too bad about that. But I think I kind of got talked into doing something really stupid. The guy who had the boat actually had a fucking shark cage. And he's like, you know, it's totally safe.

We take you about 15 miles out. We chum the water and you get in this fucking cage. And you know what? After all these years of doing bits about how fucking stupid it is to swim in the ocean and all that type of shit, I'm going to do it. Next year, I'm going to do it. I almost said it costs an arm and a leg. There's your fucking pun right there.

You're awful joke. But it does. It's really expensive, but I want to see a fucking shark. You know, and I got that white thing in me where I that white person thing where I want to see the shark being a shark. You know, the same way I don't want to see a bear just walking through the forest. I want to throw something at it. So it gets up on its hind leg and starts doing that shit.

Like it's about ready to step into the squid circle. Right. I think that that is uniquely a white thing. That we just we just want to see an animal looking like it's going to kill us. Or we don't feel like we got the full experience. Not okay. Now can I not only not hear myself? It's getting hot as fucking here and I don't even know why.

Oh, Bill, probably because you know, the windows open. Um, anyways, what else do I have here? What else do I have here on the dock at a shit that I want to talk about? Oh, as you can tell, I read Rolling Stone. Here's another article I saw. By the way, they have Rick Ross on the on the cover. I don't know much about the guy other than he's the most confident fat person I've ever seen in my life. For half a second, I thought it was little Wayne and he just went to like Wendy's for 20 days in a row.

How much does the tattoo artist not want to tattoo the underneath part of fucking Rick Ross's mantits? You know, because at some point you're sitting there with the surgical gloves and you got to hold it up and actually feel the fucking weight of it as you're fucking. I wonder if he giggles. I actually I started to read that article, but I cannot. I can't read articles about rappers at that fuck who come with that vibe of look of all look at all the shit that I have. It's the most you feel like you're reading like a fucking. I don't know what Jordan Marsh catalog. That's all they I'm I'm he said something he was standing on Jewish marble.

Is there a such thing as Jewish marble? I have no fucking ideas. It's somehow like I almost said kosher like some fucking bushbelt joke. At one point he goes out to a fucking steakhouse. They list everything that he orders and how much it costs. It's unreal if you literally if you honestly if you have problems sleeping. Read that. And I'm not trash in the writer.

I just I I'm on a fucking plane. I'm trying to kill time and I couldn't get through the fucking article. Oh, do you smoke weed the whole time? Do you have 50,000 fucking cars? I got it. You know what they call that Nantucket they call that new money. I never used to know what that expression is. He's new money.

You know what old money does old money acts like they don't have money. You know I mean they walk around and salmon fucking colored pants. They call up their financial advisor and then they manipulate the market and they make more fucking money. And then all of a sudden they the prohibition comes along and they got to hook up for scotch. So what do they do? They fucking do it. I really don't have a problem. You know something I didn't get into how he I don't know who the fuck knows if anything that they're saying about Joe Kennedy is the truth.

I want it to be the truth, you know, because it makes you feel better about yourself. That's what it is. That's why you look at rich people like that you have to look at them like they did something fucking crooked because if you don't it makes you feel like a loser. His fucking yacht is bigger than all the houses on my block. You know. If you give him the benefit doubt then you just have to stand there and just take that shit or you can just say he's a crooked son of a bitch. He's going to hell. God loves me best.

Right. And you can walk around with your fucking nose in the air like you're better with your slightly cheaper salmon colored fucking pants. I know what the fuck I'm talking about. So anyways, so I'm not enough reading that whole fucking Rick Ross thing, you know, I don't know. I'm sure he's got good music. I don't give a fuck. Okay. How many different ways can you say I have more shit than you do?

You know, like he was bragging about eating lobster bisque for breakfast. That's what that's what new money does new money gets like fucking DVD those DVD players in the headrest when you're driving like a two seater. Remember that shit? I got those. That's for the people behind me. That's how much money I have. I can actually waste it rather than taking that money and adding to my portfolio and begin and truly getting out of my fucked up neighborhood. I'm going to do that instead.

That's what new money does straight across the board straight across the board. You get a redneck a bunch of money. You know what's he going to do? Huh? Is he going to, you know, try to invest it? Is he going to start a business? No. He's going to put another three inches on that truck.

He's going to get some big fucking mutters and he's going to fucking drive down the fucking street. He's going to make his fucking engine waterproof. Have that goddamn chimney coming up the side of it so you can go into the swamp and right back. I never have to fucking stop. That's my apocalyptic fucking truck out there. Any shit happens. I'll drive over everybody. I'll just keep going till I get up north pole, make myself fucking snow cone.

That's what new money does. Right? Is that what they do? I don't know what they do. You know what I do with my money? I just sit and stare at it. I don't know what to do with it. The money that I have, I don't know.

I have no fucking idea what to do with it because you know what? Wherever you invest it, this is the funny thing about investing your money. All of it involves you taking your money and giving it to somebody else and going, all right, call you in a month. It's the dumbest shit I ever did, you know? And the fucking stock market, that's like getting in the mop. Once you're in, you can't get out. Oh, you can get out, you know, but it's going to cost you.

You got to cut your fucking dick off. Get your fucking shit back out again. All right, I think it's time for some more advertising. This is great. Hey, do you want to start your own business? Do you want to make a will? Do you want to do all of that stuff and not have to pay a zillion dollars? Well, listen, before I get going, you've probably already heard about LegalZoom.com,

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who's going to use LegalZoom because they advertised here and now you're out of your cubicle. That would be a great segment. You know? People talking about how they got inspired by this filthy podcast and they somehow got themselves out of that fucking cubicle. Anyway, sorry. I know I'm drinking water here.

All right. What else can I talk about here? 34 fucking minutes in. You guys watching any preseason football? Why not? What are you watching? Baseball and the six teams that are competitive. Speaking of which, I was back in Boston

and I try really hard to listen to that sports talk radio. It's just fucking, it's impossible. Who listens to that? I actually feel bad for the on-air personalities that they have to sit there for four fucking hours. Like those legitimate sports talk radio guys. Not the smart ones who go, all right, it's a sports talk radio show,

but we're going to talk, we're going to bitch about our wives. We're going to fucking talk about how we went golfing and we gambled and so on. So sucked and I want all that guy shit and smoke cigars. And then if something interesting is going on in sports, we'll bring it up, right? Like Roger Clemens gets acquitted. You know, by the way, just because he got acquitted,

he got acquitted of lying under oath, which is one of the most difficult things to prove. Okay. So, but if you think that that guy didn't take a fucking something and stick it, you know where. And all of a sudden he's winning those shiny things. You're out of your fucking mind. See how I did that so I couldn't get sued.

That's just my opinion. All right. I actually have a number of people that I'm watching as a sports fan. You know, I'm telling you, what's his face? Melchie Cabrera. I almost called Paul Verzi and gave him shit like, ah, he shouldn't have got rid of this guy. All of a sudden he's coming on.

That is the telltale fucking sign. I think now of, of, of PEDs, it's, it's one, it's one of the, it's basically as simple as this because you don't get fucking gigantic anymore. I think they got it down with that little cream, that little salve. They have like steroid lip balm. You know, you just put it on your bottom lip and you go,

mmm. And next thing you know, next thing you know, you're fucking running over people. You turn in the corner and you're hitting home runs. Right. Just pay attention to people who were okay. And then they started to taper off and all of a sudden they're fucking great.

I'm telling you, that never happened when I was a kid. Once you started tapering off, you were fucking done. I don't know. Maybe I'm sure there's always a couple of examples. Oh, by the way, one little fucking editor to note. Last week when I brought up the Spurs and the Houston Rockets, I talked so fast. It sounded like I was saying that those were pile on teams.

I wasn't saying that. So I wasn't saying that. I realized that, you know, you know, that what's his face Elijah won. They drafted. And I obviously realized, I certainly realized that Tim Duncan was from their system because the Celtics were in the lottery that year

and Tim Duncan would have been, you know, he would have been great anyway, but he was such a perfect Celtic. You know, fun about basketball, boring as hell, kissing the ball off the glass. Jesus Christ. Tommy Heisen and David Robinson. I realized that those were you guys.

So I was trying to say that those teams I respect, they weren't pile on teams, but, you know, the NBA is it's over. It's over. Bunch of little dream teams. What the fuck was it? Okay. So I actually,

and I'm not going to say the person's name, but it is a running back in the NFL. And his last name is the name of a beer. And it also talks about maybe a lady's muff. There you go. There's just somebody who I saw was, you know, was the man in college, was not the man in NFL.

And all of a sudden last year I'm watching him. He's fucking running over people. Really? You learned how to run over people four years into it. I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it. And the last hint is he plays on the Seattle Seahawks. That's just a misdirection.

You'd have to be a two year old and not figure it out. All right. That's the deal. I want to start taking fucking roids. They're making them for us now. I've got a whole new bin on it too, so I can't burn too much of this, but it's about that cynogenics.

Those fucking old roided up. Those guys, they're on, they're on, that's human growth hormone that those guys are on. You know, they show them all sad with their mantics, tits, tics. Mantits on their stomach and then the stomach hanging on their fucking giant old man ball bag. And then all of a sudden, like a month later, they look like an Adonis.

You know, the ball bag looks like a fucking speed bag again. They're ready to bang. Their wife is over in the corner, right? Just fucking squatting on a tub of fucking Ben Gay. Because he just tore it up like it was 1926 again. I want to know why those fucking people aren't going to get brought before a grand jury for cheating. You going to bring Clemens out there?

Clemens in his big old butt, right? You going to bring him out there and question all of the 87 Cy Young Awards he won past the age of 50? What about these fucking old guys? All of a sudden, their old fucking heads and their young bodies going to go down to the goddamn fucking whatever. The clam shack, right?

And just start banging out fucking 20 year olds. There's got to be a price that you're going to pay for that. Is God going to allow that? There can't be a God. How is God allowing that? That goes against all the laws of nature. There's going to be fucking 80 year old guys with knocked up 25 year olds.

Yeah, my girlfriend's pregnant, right? They're going to be sitting there with their fucking dentures and they're righted up bodies trying to talk these girls into getting abortions, you know? And I'm telling you, that's what's going to happen to this fucking generation. All these guys, these guys who invented the fucking YouTube's, the MySpace's, the Facebook's, all of them.

By the time, you know, once they figure this shit out, by the time they get in their 80s, they're all going to be fucking righted up. They're going to be fucking knocking up fucking 22 year olds and then they're going to have them like, they'll somehow have them, have to have them whacked. Can you imagine that? Would you guys, I don't know, would you do it?

Because they're going to figure it out. Look, I'm 44. I figure by the time I got to start doing roids, I figure right around 65. So that's another 21 years. If you go back 21 years, what is it? 2012, 21 years, that's 1991. That doesn't seem that long ago to me.

Ah shit, I'm fucked. You know what, the next guys, you guys, you guys in your 20s, by the time you guys get to, you know, because if you go back another 20 years, that'd be 1971 and when you took roids back then, like literally your balls, they turned to dust. You had like sea cup titties and you know, you turned into a fucking werewolf.

Women did, women turned into a werewolf and guys became like these fucking psychos. Like women had like those Merlin Olsen beards and then guys just became these adonises who looked like, you know, had like, they had no balls anymore and they had tits. They look like if, uh, who's that guy in the fucking Chicago Bears?

Like if Mike Ditka became like a transgendered person, that's what you ended up fucking looking like. And now, you know, you can't even tell. Look at Melky Cabrera, that guy didn't look like he was on anything. So I figure by the time the people in their 20s, you guys get there, it's gonna be fucking over. Like how good you guys are gonna look.

It's gonna be another 60 years of them practicing facelifts. All right, they'll probably cure baldness. They're not even gonna know, you're probably gonna get carted at fucking 68. And that's gonna be like the new thing with like chicks. Like the new lie guys are gonna tell. They're gonna tell chicks that they're, I'm legitimately 28 years old

and then one day you're gonna forget to dye your pubes and she's gonna see a couple of fucking silver ones down there or even worse, white ones. When she's down there, grabbing your fucking prohibition era fucking dick. She's gonna flip the fuck out. Calling up crime. Andy, what's wrong?

I found out he's 80. Well, that's okay. He still has another 70 years left, right? I remember reading one time, this guy that said these other guys said that these scientists said that the fucking, that the body is actually the body,

my Boston accent coming back, B-A-W-D-Y body, is designed to live 150 years. That's how difficult life is. They had to have it designed to live that long because the way nature beat the shit out of you when you lived in a cave, you could only get fucking 30 years out of it. Oh, by the fucking way.

Not by the way, people. This is by the fucking way, which you know that I'm about ready to tell you some shit that I believe in, baby. I'm at Logan Airport. Edward Lawrence Logan Airport. I finally learned that, but Logan Airport is named after Eddie Lawrence Logan.

It was some sort of fucking military person who fought in the Spanish-American War and that they used to have a statue of him before they had to make the airport even bigger because people outfucked it, you know? So I go there, okay, and I go through security and they got the giant fucking microwave they want me to stand in with my leg spread

doing the Jay-Z symbol, right? Well, the Sammy Hagar from the 5150 tour, depending on what generation you are, depending what side of the track you're from. All right, this podcast is for everybody. I'm sure someone in the village people did it. There, you see that? Reached out to the gay community.

Swell guy. Pat myself on the back here. So anyways, I say I'm not fucking, you know, I'm opting out. All right, sir, can you go stand over there? I don't even like standing over there. I used to work in a fucking dental office when I would take an x-ray of somebody's tooth.

One little fucking thing and we'd put that camera right up to the side of their jaw. We'd put a lead vest over all their vitals right down to their dick or hoo-ha. And then I left the fucking room. Stood behind a wall that had lead in it and I pressed the fucking button. Now I'm supposed to stand there.

You know, like I'm just going into prison. They do everything, but you have your bend over and spread your fucking ass cheeks. I'm like, I'm not fucking doing it. And I know what people are saying. Well, Bill, you talk on his cell phone, right? That's fucking radiation. You're flying an airplane, right?

That's fucking radiation. I understand that I am getting radiated throughout the course of the day in the way I live my life. I understand that. Okay, but I don't need to get extra radiated. So if there's a way to opt out, believe me, if there was a way to opt out

of flying on a fucking airplane, a viable way, aside from just saying, fuck this business, I'm going to buy an old bus and just drive around and that'll be my miserable life. I would do it. But the fact that I can just stand there for an extra 5, 10, 15 fucking minutes,

you know, and rather than stand in that microwave, I could just go over and just have some, you know, sort of cute male person pat down my ass with the back of his hands. Do you have any sensitive areas? I would much rather do that, okay? And then, you know, people have given me shit about it saying it's stupid, it's fucking pointless,

and blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, so anyways, I'm at Eddie Lawrence Logan Airport, Edward Lawrence, and I'm standing there, and I'm waiting, you know, and whenever you want to get fucking padded down, they wait for fucking ever. They make it take extra long. I'm convinced that they do it just so you just say,

fuck it, I'm going to go into the toaster. All right, but I don't give a shit. I always get to the airport early, because I know the game that they're running over there. Oh, the lovely Nia, everybody. How are you? Come over here, talking to the microphone. How you been? We couldn't hear you last week.

Oh, I've been great. Thanks for asking. Great to be back. Are you reading from a script? Oh, who just woke up? I am great. Thank you for asking. Where's the real Nia? Who is this sexy robot that was replaced? Listen to this shit. I'm telling this story about, you know,

I always opt out of doing the Jay-Z thing where they radiate everything, but you're fucking taint at the airport. Jay-Z? Yeah, you know, you fucking, you have your hands like the hover sign. Isn't that what it is? Yeah, so I'm standing there waiting, right, and I'm staring down

some bald-headed douche who knows, but first of all, they always have some chick there, and she just goes, you know, what do they say? Male... Oh, what is what they say? Male pat down, or what do they say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Male support. I'll five, whatever the fuck they say.

And it's typical chick voice where it can only carry... What is that? You guys aren't good at yelling. Yes, we are. Like, no one hears it. No one hears it. You know, I got the microphone away.

Yell, male support, I'll four. Yell it. I want to hear it. I want to hear it some. Male support, I'll four. That's good. That has a sense of fucking urgency. All right, then you know what? They don't put their fucking heart in it. They just go, male pat down, I'll four. Oh, because you can't even scream

and like there's something going down or whatever. Yeah, but you got to communicate. You got to communicate to those bald fatties guys down there who are going to put the back of their hands on my ass there. They don't get it. They have a whole little system that they're talking to each other. Who's fucking side are you on here?

Not yours, obviously. All right, well listen to this shit. Wait a second. Time out, time out. Get another microphone. Get another microphone. Hang on a second. We're actually going to pause the podcast. Pause the podcast. All right, so the magic of hitting pause.

What's something I never do in this thing? I actually hit pause there. So anyways, this is the deal. It's true security. After all these people ridicule me, like, oh, you're already getting radiation anyways, man. So why not stand there and literally have your entire body butt your tank

lit up, right? So I'm fucking standing there and this lady is going, if I can get a male support out for it. And I'm like, they're not here in you. They're not here. And then she goes, sir, could you stand over there? I go, I'm going to stand around and you watch my wallet.

Okay, you can stand right there. This Asian kid comes up. Fat Asian kid. One of the rare ones. Like a white elephant. Why is that relevant? Because Asian people are in great shape. They eat great. I don't know what it is.

They're in fucking awesome shape. And every once in a while, you see one, you see a fat Asian, you're like, holy shit. Right? I don't mean like he's a fucking did-it-on purpose to sumo wrestle. This is just a fact. Not relevant to the story.

That is. For the comedy it is. No, I see. Come on. Listen, I trashed waspy fucking white people on this. Oh, you did? Did you talk about Nantucket? Yes, I did. Oh boy. See, you just hate him.

I don't hate anybody. I don't have hate in my heart. All right, shut up. Listen. So this person, this fat kid, comes up. And the lady just goes, he couldn't even hear her. He's like, what?

He's like, what? And I want to be like, how old are you? That's what the fuck she's trying to say. And he goes 13. And she goes, all right, come over here. And she had him go through the old school one. Yeah.

So basically, you want me to stand in something that could kill a 13-year-old. That's what the fuck I'm supposed to do. Wait, wait, wait. On the way out, on the way back. Two times that. Four times a month. I'm going to stand in this thing that can kill a 13-year-old. I'm sure it can't kill it.

Maybe it can affect his puberty or his growth or something. Yeah. Maybe it can affect his dick. I have a dick too. What, because my dick's old now? Yeah, your dick is old. It's already grown. Your balls are down between your knees.

The pubes don't care about it anymore. They're like, out of commission. I think women can avoid that full-body thing by saying that they're pregnant. And they won't let you go. They won't make you go in there if you say that you're pregnant. Exactly. Women always have the I'm just a girl excuse

to get out of horrific things that guys have to do. But stick with the thing here. If that fucking thing, how old are you? 13, get over here. Prevent him from getting like chest hair or something. But you, yeah, you're old. What's the youth of tomorrow that we're concerned about?

Oh, there you go. I sat there and I You're out of the game, old man. I'm not even, this isn't about me whether I feel like I'm old or not. I know I'm old. I'm talking about surviving. I almost high-fived myself.

I actually, I burst it out laughing. Extra laughed because I wanted fucking Mary Mumbles to be like, Mary Mumbles. I'm laughing because I'm doing the right thing. If that fucking thing isn't safe for a goddamn 13,

I can see if it was a baby making some little baby crawl through there. He's a fucking kid who probably knows more about computers than I do and they're like, yeah, no. Don't think so. Come over here. All right, Nia, you know what it's time for? It's time for some questions.

Bop, bop, bop, bop, boo. Then we can wrap this up. Oh, first of all, G-Bill, I enjoyed your stand up special on Netflix Canada so much. Are you coming up there? Actually, I'm not. I still have dates in the States. Why don't you ever go to Canada? Oh, no, you've gone to Montreal a couple times.

Why don't I go to Canada? Because I didn't like the way they were portrayed in all those Michael Moore movies. They are just so goddamn perfect up there despite the fact that they can't even handle losing a fucking hockey game down every Starbucks you're out. Is that something that Canadians do often, though?

Is that a normal thing for the riots to happen after hockey game? I would never pretend to think that I know what a Canadian person is thinking. Oh, you wouldn't? I wouldn't. Okay, that's an arrogant thing to do and you want to be ashamed of yourself and you should apologize. I love Canada.

I've only been to Montreal. It was amazing. It was lovely. The people were awesome. I went to England. I only went to London and they'd be like, oh, I love England. Get out there and muck it up. Get out there in the sticks. It was people who were too dumb to live in London.

I'd like to go to Toronto. Sit next to one of them with some fish and chips hanging out of his mouth and you tell me how much you like it. You get to the ugly seattier side. The seedy underbelly? Like, we're going to Australia. We're going to be going to Sydney.

The shiniest of all shiny cities over there and that's how you're going to judge Australia. Oh, we're going to Sydney. Rather than going out to the fucking outback with all those toothless people playing right? Did you redo? I'm going to be in Orlando. Home of Disney World.

September 7th, 8th and 9th. Then I'm going to be in Charlotte. The Comedy Zone. September 13th, 14th and 15th. These are all the comedy clubs. What date was that again for Charlotte? 13th, 14th and 15th. September.

Oh, okay. Great. I've got some people that want to go to that. And then I'll be at New York City, the one I had to make up. That's right. I had to reschedule that because I had that. I booked the pilot of the news, the reboot of Zoom. That's right.

We're going to Zoom, Zoom, Zoom. That's Caroline's. September 20, 21, 22. And I believe 23. It's a Thursday through Sunday. There's only three days. Oh, you're going to be gone a lot. Awesome. Yeah. We've had enough of each other. We've spent a lot of time together.

A lot of time. Let me say it like that when you go all the time. It's been great. It's been good. Bye, Nene. Bye. All right. Funeral music. I was saying how, you know, relatives passed away and how she picked out

her, her her outro music. She had it all planned out. No, it was great. One of the best funerals ever. Rather than just being sad, it was like, ah, you got to feel more of her personality. Yeah. It was awesome. Anyways, hey Bill, funeral music. You can have some AC DC.

Hey, it's your funeral, right? I did the music for my dad's funeral three years ago. Weird, huh? I was 25 at the time. Dude, you manned up. Yeah, you did. You manned up because that's what happens when the older generation dies is the younger one has to step up.

There's always a person who steps up and then there's a people who just can't deal. Then there's the selfish people like, I can. I have a rock throwing festival I'm going to. You handle the pain. Rock throwing. Anyways, he came into Black Betty.

Oh, okay. Black Betty. Whoa, Black Betty. That's awesome. Right there. You feel like you're at a concert. Yeah. Also played. He says pronounce Gaudete. Gaudete. I don't know what to say.

And a couple more. It's spelled G-A-U-D-E-T-E. I'm sure I've heard it. No, I don't know what that is. And a couple more rock ones that I can't remember and no religious shit in between. That's fucking. That's great. That's how I'm going out.

Yeah. You know what? I'm going to go to that damn... What the hell was it that I just told you to go to? LegalZoom.com. Write out my own damn will and that's going to be part of it. You're going to... Whoa, Black Betty. Bam-a-lam. Whoa.

One more thing I got to read here. I'm done. I think with the advertising. Except for two quickies in the end. E-voice. Oh, hey, this is another great way to start a business where you don't have an office but you want to make it sound like you do. You don't have money for 58 cell phones but you could have a bunch of different cell phones.

Oh, yes. You were showing me the website today. This actually looks very cool. I keep saying viral phone numbers. It's not that. Not viral. What is the proper kid terminology? Tell me. The proper terminology for what now? For phone numbers that are...

You're in the air, man, but they're not there and they go into your phone, man. I don't know what it is. Virtual phone numbers. You can literally have like fucking 15 phone numbers. They all ring to your phone. They got these professional voice actors that will act like they're your sexy,

you know, 006 vixen of a secretary. 006? That's the top. Evoise, your mobile phone at work. One of the great Evoise features is music on hold. Make your business seem more professional as Evoise will treat your clients and customers to music on hold.

You're calling some giant building as you're sitting there sneaking around in your computer and your cubicle. You go to legal zoom, you get yourself incorporated, you're on your way out. It's like the Great Escape. You dig in the tunnel. It's tremendous. You can even set up Evoise to run promotional advertisement

for your company while people are on hold instead of music. Yeah, that's good. Like coming up at Joe Blow's Frisbee Fest, you can have your toes painted. Evoise also has called recording features which is perfect for doctors, lawyers,

real estate agents, hiring managers, and any other professional discussing contracts. Easy to use. You just press star 2 to start and star 2 to stop. It's easier than me reading this copy. Perfect if you're driving

and you can't write something important down. Evoise makes your life easier and seem more professional for a free 6 month trial for 6 months. That's pretty good. Do it. Yeah, they have a thing where you can do like conference calling. You can have up to 90 people

on hold when you have your massive drug dealing international thing there. Don't get people ideas. This whole thing is set up. You can use this for good or evil, just like the internet. You can learn about turtles

or watch something you shouldn't have seen. This is the same thing with Evoise. They're giving you the option to start your business and get out of your cubicle and start living your dream or you can use it for evil. You know? And start a whole other family

or whatever you want to do. And you've got 6 months to do it 6 month trial, go to www.evoise.com or go to the banner on my podcast page at billbird.com and get out from under it everybody. Yeah, you know what? That's good even for

so that way is this a thing where you can give somebody your actual no, it's not your number. They don't have your real number. Oh, but they don't have your real number. But it brings to your phone and you have the option of turning it on and turning it off.

And it gets you out of your cubicle so you can avoid situations like this. Look at this, right back to the podcast. That right there was a professional segue. Very nice. Office, rumor and Mary. Hey Bill, great show and all that BS.

Anyways, I came in to the office where I work on Friday and my boss came up to me very angrily and said, you up to something? Staring in his face. See? Evoise legal zoom. He goes, I didn't know what the hell, I didn't know what the hell he meant

so I said, no. He said he'd been watching me. That's what he basically, you walk in on a Friday, you psych for your weekend, this guy comes up and goes, you up to something? You say no and he's like, I'm watching you and walks away. You just have to sit there

and take it, right? Slink back into your goddamn cubicle. He goes, I found out later that everyone in the office thinks I fucked secretary Mary. I didn't. He goes, I didn't. I asked Mary about it and she said that she made it up.

Don't guys usually do that? He goes, I thought it was sexy. Oh Jesus. Jumping right into this one. And then they really fucked. I had always admired Mary from afar and thought she was a good match for me. I really want to date her

but I fear, you want to date this girl? Just put her on the desk and bang her. What are you getting fucked over for? This isn't the mother you kids do. This trick is a psycho. Will you stop it already? What? You are such an asshole when it comes to any kind of woman

being sexual or asserting her sexuality and you're such a fucking hypocrite about it because you love that shit, okay? So don't sit there on like some sort of moral high horse. This is the mother of your children. This is how women should act. Madonna and whore. Like, you know what I'm saying?

Are you done? Yeah. Just say bitch please. Bitch please. That's right. When are you going to start the bitch please podcast? I'm going to start. I got a lot of shit going on. Yes. Coming soon, the bitch please podcast.

Yeah, my own podcast. Now that I've said the name, you should definitely go out and start the website or anything. Anyways. He goes, I really want to date her but I fear that if I do, my boss will fire me or otherwise hurt my career because he is strongly against office relationships.

What should I do? Alright, first of all, right there. That's why you need to get out from underneath this dick because he's literally saying who can fuck who. This guy's on a total power trip. No, that's a normal policy in workplaces. They frown on interpersonal relationships. You up to something? I'm watching you?

That's a total... Yeah, that's like, oh go to HR and talk to him about it. He should have kicked him in the balls from behind to get that nice sound of a foot hitting the MC Hammer part of the slacks. Alright, so Mary...

No, wait, you just tore me a new fucking asshole. This is what I'm talking about, Nia. What? That chick is fucked in the head. Why? She made a joke, an inappropriate joke that got around, absolutely. Asserting yourself sexually is that she just comes up to him and asks him out or whatever.

I don't have a fucking problem with that. To walk around... You're a fucking hypocrite. You're a fucking hypocrite. Why? Because if he sat there and he said that he fucked somebody that he didn't fuck in the office, how would you look at that? Uh... Exactly.

Okay? This chick is doing... She has some sort of... This chick is a fucking psycho. You don't have to go that far to be like they're a psycho, but you do make a decent point. It's a major red flag. It's a decent point because you have a man said... Stop talking down to me, it's a decent point.

I'll give you a fucking example, and you actually shut you up for half a second, which is not an easy thing to do. I am saying that it was a good point. Put your eyebrows down. See what you did? That's classic female shit there. See what you did? You're blaming me for your behavior.

No, why am I to blame for your classic overreaction? No. Because you assumed that me saying that this chick is a fucking psycho. You immediately assumed that I was saying that women can assert themselves sexually. Okay?

And then I turned it around and I gave you an example. You better put that thing away. You better put it away. I'll do the Bill Clinton fist. I did not have sex in proper relations. Because Bill, half your act is about... Let me finish. Then I gave you the example.

What if some guy said he fucked you and he didn't fuck you? What would you think about that guy? Oh, he's just asserting himself sexually. Is he hot? I don't want the joke. All right, all right, all right. Yes, I get your point. That's not good enough.

What do you want me to say? I get your point. That's a decent point. You pat me on the fucking head. I made a great point after you sat there and you flipped out of me calling me a hypocrite and all this bullshit. You wanted any little bitch please fucking rant. Now you actually understand where I'm coming from

because you fucking leaped off the guy. You just took a little thing and you ran with it and you watched me tell some jokes for fucking 10 years. You're right. You're right. It would not be okay if a guy did. That's how you do it. You don't let him worm on the way out of it.

That's what she did. She tried like three different techniques of patting me on the head. It's a decent point. And then you did the other thing. When you knew that I was right, then you put your eyebrows up like, yes, you're right, like I'm being an overbearing asshole. Because I said... I said it was a good point. So I don't know what more you want from me.

Nia, do you remember your Newt Rockney speech you gave fucking 90 seconds ago about an asshole I was screaming and yelling and all that. And then when you find out I'm right, you go, okay, that's a decent point. You don't think that that's... You know? Yeah, I think it's me giving you kudos.

That'd be like if I took my barefoot right now and I just mushed you right in the face with it. And then you went over the side of the bed, hit your head, started to cry. You said that I was wrong. And I said, all right, you're right. Maybe I pushed you too hard. All right, you're right.

All of this is besides the point. The point is he actually likes this woman. No, no, no, no, no. See, once again, the last second she tried to worm her way out. Did you see that? I'm not worming anything. I'm just trying to get back to the top of my head. It's not beside the point. It isn't beside the point.

You just read me the riot act and you were fucking wrong. I don't know that I was completely wrong. I don't think that. Why aren't you making eye contact anymore? I don't think that I was completely wrong. I just think that you brought up a good point that I hadn't considered. You judged me on past behavior.

What else do I have to judge you on past behavior? Of course I judge you on past behavior. I'm not saying that's wrong, Mia. My entire life is judging people on past behavior. But when you find out you're wrong, you just say, yeah, you know what, I was wrong. Which I do and you never give me fucking credit for. What? When? When do you ever say I was wrong?

Whenever you do something wrong, when you come in and you snuggle up beside me and you make a little joke or you like try to give me a kiss. And I say I'm wrong and I'm going to work on it. No, that's not what happens at all. You try to cute your way out of it and charm and do a little funny dance

and hey everybody, I'm Billy Tommy Face. You know what? That's how you get out of it. Some of the times I do that, I do admit that. When I'm seriously fucking wrong. When you're seriously wrong, you do apologize. And I say, I will work on it. There you go. Jesus Christ.

It's like pulling fucking teeth. All right, female question about anal. There's a nice segue. Wait, did we even give that guy advice though? Or did we just go off on our own relationship? Here's the advice. Don't date this girl. If you're going to bang her,

you're rolling the dice because then she's going to be like, okay, last week it was a joke but now I really am. Oh, that's true. I'm going to blow up your spot because she's already talking out of school. Yeah. That's a good point. And this guy has the problem that I have is that when he makes a fucking loony bird

who's fucking all about it, you just fucking, you can't, you know, you just... Yeah. That's like a, that's literally, that's like a second degree like dick black belt to be able to walk away from free pussy like that.

And I'm sorry that I'm being crass. I'm just, I'm running out of time here. I'm just trying to get to the point here. Follow up. Was a virgin, not a virgin anymore. This is before the female question about anal. I wrote a, okay, this guy got fucking laid.

Hey, you broke your cherry. I wrote in a few months back, elaborating on my situation. Wait a minute, I remember this. 20, I got a lot of virgins calling in, writing it. As a 21 year old virgin. I was going to make a really bad joke there. I got a lot of virgins typing in

on a semen stain keyboard. I know, it was gross. That's funny to me. In my head. Alright, sorry. I wrote in a few months ago. I helped this person. A few months back, elaborating on my situation as a 21 year old virgin.

Conservative girlfriend where the furthest we went was oral sex as well as subsequent hookups with other girls only stopping there. So you kind of get blown. I don't really consider that a virgin.

I was going to say, you're kind of having sex. You're like a DH. You're not out in the field. You just come. You go to bed every couple of weeks. I don't know though, but is a guy still like not a virgin if he gets blown, but a girl is still a virgin

if she just gets, if a guy just goes down on her because then her hymen isn't broken. You're still a virgin until you banged a girl. Right. It's got to go in there. Yeah, and a woman, you're still a virgin slash you're kind of horny if the other way around.

I don't have time to get involved in the debate. Anyways, as well as subsequent hookups of the girl. This was when I asked you whether telling a girl that I was still a virgin before slash during I don't know what that means, fornicating was a good idea.

Does this jolt your memory? Absolutely it does. I actually lost my virginity 30 minutes before my actual birthday with a girl I'm currently dating. There you go. There you go. Good for you. So yeah, it's not like I was a fucking whore or anything.

You were right about telling a girl about my sexual experience or lack thereof. She was actually totally fine with it. Of course. See, I'm not a bad guy. I gave this guy some advice. Worked and was surprised that I was a virgin, which I guess I should take as a compliment. Absolutely.

It means you were probably kissing her nice. Rubbing her titties the way she liked it over there. Anyways, I'd like to thank you for that as a small part. A small of a part as it may have been. It still helped. Well, there you go. So what is... Now, if I could follow this up with

another short question. Oh, Jesus. Me and this girl have been hooking up pretty frequently. I was going to have some dirt question here. Alright, here we go. Now he's going to get technical. Now that I'm just fucking going to do it, how do I improve on that? Is that disgusting? And the one issue I have

is that I used... I have to use a rubber. You did say safe sex is like boxing. Keep yourself protected at all times. Unfortunately, when I do put one on, I can't feel shit and therefore tend to lose my erection

after a while. And it's not like she isn't hot or anything. Cute Asian. That's number two with the Asians. One fat Asian, one cute one. Now, number one. What is wrong with saying she's a cute Asian? Nothing. She's a hot black chick.

How dare you say that she's good looking and describe her. Thank you. There you go. Stop talking. Have you tried different condoms? Number one, have you ever encountered issues like this? Yes. And how would you go about solving it? Is it actually...

No. You know what it is, dude? You're used to fucking mouth on dick contact and now all of a sudden you're putting your condom on and it feels like you're in the abyss. You're going to get used to it. Jerk off with the condom on, this stuff that you could do.

Don't jerk off for a while. You have to get used to the sensation again. It sucks, but I'm telling you. He could get those thin ones, though. The real thin lamb skin or whatever. I could run through that X-ray machine No, I'm telling you. This is the greatest thing you could do now that you're fucking.

Let me give this kid some advice here. Why don't you try to get some different kind of condom? Experiment with different condoms. Trojans are super thick. There's other ones that are... This is what you want to do. In this day and age with Greenland fucking melting

and the water rising in New York. You cannot, you have to wear it. You've got to fucking go all out. No, I'm saying he should wear a condom. Yeah, and don't get the one that the fucking thin one. This thing too, you can wear a condom and still get herpes. I still don't understand how that happens. Is it on your ball big?

If you shaved your nuts that day and then you fucking... Against it? I have no idea. It's a risk of getting something. So this is the thing, dude. Right out of the gate, get used to fucking wearing condoms. I can't even fucking tell you how psyched you're going to be.

You know, if this doesn't work out, you have a one night stand. There's no fucking better feeling the end when you walk out knowing that you wore one. That's what you always do. After you have sex, you go, okay, you know, yeah, I gotta go throw this thing out, right? And then you go and you put your dick in her sink

and fucking you scrub that fucker and then you walk out. You use her face towel and you get the fuck out of there. Or you know what else he could do. And you know fuck horse, which is hard. You know what else he could do. If he's in a relationship with this girl,

he's a virgin. I don't know what her sexual history is. They could both go to the clinic together, get tested for everything. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Do that and then still wear a condom because you have no idea what the other person's going to do. You could be with the sociopath. We don't have time for this, Nia.

Fuck that. Fuck all of that. But if they're in like a committed thing, they're 21 Nia, they're 21. She's going to run into one of these righted up 80 year old guys that has fucking 70 years of game and he's going to fucking talk him into going down on his fucking Babe Ruth dick. Gross.

Female question about anal. This is the last one. I got to get out of here. My husband keeps jokingly bringing up the subject of anal sex. It'd be funny if I fucked you in the ass. Ha, ha, ha. Woo.

You have him call right me in and ask how we should go about asking you for anal. There's no asking with anal. You just do it. Wow. No, I'm kidding. Now what it is, you have to do a survey

during doggy style. That's how you figure it out. It's done with the thumb. It's sort of a rubbing circular motion. William. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

What is wrong with you? Just finished reading it. Okay, just finished reading it. Okay, to stop and just read. Please, for the love of God. Oh, this guy just joking around. I love these pancakes. I love to fuck you in the ass.

Just kidding. Just kidding, sweetheart. Oh, this poor guy. He wants to fuck you in the ass. He doesn't know how to bring it up after cornflakes. This is the funniest thing ever. In the past, he always acted as though he thinks it's gross.

He always watched so much porn that he's now graduated to it. Which is the danger. My sister told me that a few of her girlfriends said they actually enjoy it. Oh, that means your sister likes it. Ha, ha, ha. You know, I have this friend.

Yeah, she loves it. Says that it enhances. He's very well endowed and I weigh only all of 95 pounds. Yeah, it ain't happening. It ain't happening. He's learned is well founded, yes it is. But wait a minute, those porno girls can take it.

You can take it too. Come on, be a trooper. What is your opinion about it? Should I let him? What would Nia say? You just heard what she has to say. He listens to this. Say no, please. You want female listeners?

Punk, help me out. Oh, wow. If you really don't want to do it, then you shouldn't do it. It would be one thing if you didn't have a viable option somewhere else that was actually, you know what I mean? It's basically you have a nice

probably mid-size sedan going on there and this guy for some reason despite his size is going with the Mini Cooper. Ha, ha, ha. Look, I got to be honest. It's not something you don't want to do that with your wife.

You just don't. Okay. I thought that's the one person you would want to do it with. No, you do it with your wife. You do it with that fucking dingbat that says she's already banging you at work. That's who you do it to. Right on the desk, you fuck her in the ass,

mush her face into the card catalog, and then you know what? Whatever the fuck they got nowadays. That's who you do it with. That's it. Okay, that's the podcast for this week. I got a real quick one from a lady. Yeah, so

I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. You're 95 pounds, he has a giant dick. What are you going to do there? I have no idea. You know what I would do? I would call in Dr. Drew's show and have them...

I'm going to send that one up the... What do they say? What do they say in the precinct? Send that one up the ranks. We don't have time to do that. No, really quickly. I don't know what city you live in, but if there's a sex shop near you,

they normally have these anal sex workshops like taught by women or whatever, and a couple can go in. You pay a little bit of money, and they talk you... They tell you how to do it so that it's gentle and it's not freaking people out. How do you start that?

There are people who get paid to do this. I understand that. But how did you get there? Where are the anal sex shop open mics? Where do you start? You're sitting in a cubicle and like, you know where I think I would make my million? In New York City.

How to take their big dicks and put them in that little white ass. In New York City, there was a place called Toys & Babes Land, and they gave all kinds of workshops. How to get blowjobs. How to introduce S&M into your relationship. They have these things. I get it, but you're missing the point here.

How do you become that fucking person? I don't know. Where are the open mics? I don't know. That's a good gig. You're acting like a bunch of hotties. You work in a sex shop, you learn about things, and then you just become an expert.

You study it or whatever. You don't even know what you're talking about. You literally were looking up at the ceiling sort of shaking your head. You probably just have a parachute and you land on the store and say, hey, you want to talk about dicks? Humble female breadwinner.

Hi, Bill. I'm one of those ladies who usually takes too long to tell a story, so I tried really hard to make this quick. This is actually shorter than most of the guys, so I appreciate it. I make three times more money than my boyfriend of one and a half years, sorry. 1.5 years.

Jesus Christ, how career driven is her? 1.5 years. Look at me, I'm already insecure that she's making more money. I have zero problem with this because money is not a big issue with me. It's a tough economy and he's very hardworking. Lately, this seems to be more of an issue for him. Of course it is.

He makes a bigger deal about going out to eat and took a weekend job so we could see each other less. He has told me that he is ring shopping and even though I've told him many times that I don't want anything fancy or expensive, he counters saying

when I show my friends, I'll be embarrassed and he wants to give me something really nice. Any advice on how to convince him I'm not a material girl? No, what you got to do is support the guy because you got to understand that as a guy going out and earning a living that's what we're there for

and when we're not doing it, not only we can't do it at that time because we don't have a job and you're fucking doing it no matter how cool you are it's totally fucking emasculating. It'd be like if I could all of a sudden have a fucking kid and you couldn't get pregnant and I was over there fucking nursing a baby

as creepy as that one. That's such a bad example. I'll just say it, you know what I mean? Men want to be the provider. That's like in their nature. No, that's our job. It's our job. It's our fucking job.

It's the same way that women like when you're with a woman if you get in too good a shape they get fucking insecure. Like they don't like a lot of women as much as they like those shredded guys they don't want to be with a guy that's in that good a fucking shape now I have to be in that good a shape and I can't go to those cheese fondue lava fucking things

you know and stick my tongue in it with a glass of wine and pontificate about sex in the city whatever the fuck it is you brunts do listen, you want to you want to like those are actually disgusting by the way that cheese come that you guys sit there

sticking the cheese come it's gross, it smells awful terrific. You don't like fondue? It's weird. I went to a fondue restaurant and it smelled like feet. I would just say listen you got to support this guy just say to the guy just say listen

I get it. You don't have a job right now and it's fucking hard for you and I have 100% faith that you're going to find another job we're going to have a great life and you don't have to buy a ring right now but when you get your job and everything

you want to go out and buy me a I totally respect the fact that you're thinking my friends just support the guy that's all you got to do just support the guy because right now no matter unless he hears that from you he's just going to automatically think that you're thinking that

he's not a provider and he's not a good guy he needs to hear it from you the same way that when you lady maybe put on a few you got to tell us she's still looking good right? Why are you looking at me like that? because lately you've been slipping

I was actually thinking like I'm giving a good advice maybe she'll please she'll pleasure me later you could have just left it at the good advice you could have not asked the question you could have not shown up come down here

I didn't ask you on the podcast I did ask you last time I said you haven't been here in a while and we missed you we missed you here in the podcast last two things, Amazon.com would you like to support the troops and this podcast this time you're going to go to Amazon.com to buy some silly straw

go to BillBurr.com first click on the podcast page click on the Amazon.com link it'll take you right there you don't have to do anything else once you get there go buy something buy an old baseball card Amazon will give me some money

I kick 10% of it actually kind of been kicking 10% of all advertising to the Wounded Warriors project it's a great thing Amazon.com hey, do you want to sit on the couch smoke some weed and eat some cheez-its well, going into a different world

anyway gameflight.com is awesome if you're into video games they got 8,000 games for you to choose from you got a two week free trial you get them direct to your PC or delivered right to your damn apartment gazebo, tent city, wherever the hell you live you can play all these games

8,000 games for a two week trial take two weeks vacation and play 8,000 different games right? gameflight.com go to gameflight.com slash burr no, gameflight.com, yeah, slash burr

or the banner ad on my podcast page for the free trial enjoy all the video games you can play that's it, that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves, hey thanks for all the nice compliments about my guest star on Breaking Bad and all the wonderful things you guys said about my special you know, it really means a lot to me

I appreciate it, alright, thank you