Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-20-18

Episode Date: August 20, 2018

Bill rambles about sun stroke, robots, and pretzel rolls.

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How are you? How was your weekend? Did you or did you not enjoy yourself? Did you or did you not abuse substances that were illegal and possibly not? I was actually out in Las Vegas, hot as fuck, Las Vegas I was making fun of everybody talking about how hot it is out here Like yeah, man, we're in a fucking desert in August I can completely understand why it is so fucking hot out here And then you get the global warming thing going on You know, half the world's on fire, according to the news

Yeah, I can see why it'd be a little smoldery there What's so fucked up about Las Vegas is I was thinking when I was out there There's only one reason and one reason only that that place exists And that is air conditioning, okay? I know back in the day, you know, when they had like three or four little fucking, I don't know One floor casinos in the middle of nowhere, whatever the hell was going on out there I forget the whole story, alright? I've watched all the goddamn movies I saw Casino, I saw fucking Bugsy, Ghost of fucking Pebble Beach, whatever the fuck it was called

I watched that one, I don't remember what the fuck it was I'm sure there were some fans, you know, overhead fans, is that all they had back in the day? Well, I can tell you right now, nobody fucking went out there in August Maybe they did, I don't know, but I'm just, anyways It was a different breed of people, that was the greatest generation back then Okay, they defeated Adolf Hitler, defeated Japan, you know They beat their wives and nothing was said about it You know, all those women back there, Rosie the Riveter, what happened? Ah, it was a rivet

They walked into a fucking door The meatloaf was cold, you know, was the greatest, the greatest generation Anyways, I was just looking around, just looking at the whole fucking thing It was like, if there's no AC, this fucking place is done Alright, for whatever reason, the head of Nevada, is that the governor? Who's the president of Nevada? What's the highest political position you can hold? Senator? But isn't the senator, the senator is like an absentee father, right? They're fucking in Washington They're playing grab-ass with their secretary going, you're not gonna meet to me now, are you?

What if it's just a cigarette? So they're never around They come around once every fucking six years or something, that's when they get elected They're in there for six fucking years Just sitting there eating one sandwich after another on a pretzel roll, you know Occasionally hitting the elliptical, lying to themselves that that 20 to 25 minutes on that elliptical They just burned off the nightmare level of eating that they did the last fucking eight days, right? They just keep getting fatter

They send their fucking secretary that they're banging down to Brooks Brothers to buy the next size dress shirt As they push their pants down a little lower and lie to themselves that they're still wearing the same size slacks that they wore back in fucking high school The president of the 4-H club or whatever it is politicians do Those fucking worms, they figure it out early, don't they? Right, they become head of the Glee Club or the fucking student body president You know, they fucking petition to have something, I don't know what tree planted It's just bullshit like that, whenever they write those fucking autobiographies about presidents, you know He was very inquisitive

I always loved that, he was a very inquisitive kid All kids are inquisitive Once they learn the word why? Because they're looking at everything that's fucking brand new What's that? TV Why? And also we can watch a bunch of shit, why?

Because we're bored, why? I don't know Why? Is your mother here? Alright That's how it goes down It's really weird that when you become president for the rest of your life You know, you're out of power and you still get that secret served I know that they're doing away with it

I think, was it George W? Who was the last guy who's getting it for the rest of his life? It's kind of weird, the first like half black president that we get All of a sudden it's just like, yeah, you know, we're good Well, we'll hang out with you for like another 10 years But you know, once you hit your 60s, you're on your own Anyways Yeah, then they fucking, they sit there and they write books

I cannot fucking believe that Obama's already on his third book He's only been out of office a year and a half What is he, fucking Stephen King? He's just cranking him out Did he, he wrote two of them while he was still president Running the country, allegedly That's what the president allegedly does He's running the fucking country and this guy's in there, he's writing books Anyways, so I'm gonna say it's the governor

If the governor ever just sat down You know, I was actually joking on stage, saying a great way You know, eventually they're gonna have to thin the herd They're just gonna have to do it This whole fucking bullshit that we're gonna build a spaceship And we're gonna move to Mars It's like, it doesn't have a fucking atmosphere Okay, and I'm not talking about oxygen

I'm just saying there's no vibe You wanna fucking go all the way out there Right? And just sit there looking at a bunch of fucking rocks Inside your little space, like how much other sci-fi channel are you watching? How many times did you rub one out To that chick on Star Trek? I mean, I don't even know what the fuck you're doing That you would even, even want to do that

Anyways, at some point Even these blue blood guys I think eventually, I think what they're working towards right now I apologize because I am completely fucking wiped out This is why this podcast is so fucking nuts right now Okay I flew myself out, my instructor Out to fucking Vegas yesterday

And then today we flew over to Utah and went through I think it's Zion National Park And then flew all the way back I flew over Helicopter Day for 6.4 fucking hours Whatever the fuck you call it And those things are not built for comfort Alright, anyways, that's why I'm all over the fucking map here I'll talk about that shit later

Anyways, plowing ahead here What the fuck was I talking about? Oh god, now I let you leave so you go Oh, that's what I think these fucking rich guys are gonna do Alright, I think Their solution is They either don't give a fuck About how out of control the population is right now

You know what I mean? Where any scientist who's not on the payroll Of some fucking corporation That produces energy will tell you That 2 billion people is the maximum amount of people Evidently That the earth can handle Alright

Without it all going to fucking hell And we're up to, we're over 7 Alright, we're redlining it We're in the left lane on the highway We're still in first gear And the engine's at fucking 8,000 RPM So that's what the fuck we're doing Day in and day out

We're like a fat guy Walking up a flight of stairs Eating a cupcake while smoking a pack of cigarettes That's what the fuck we're doing Okay So I think the reason why they're investing so much in robotics Aside from then they won't have to hire people This thing won't, there'll be no back sass

From this fucking robot They won't want a union They won't give a shit Alright They're basically going to replace us And rather than killing us I think they'll just fucking shut off the AC As the world heats up

And then that's going to be it It's going to be it for a lot of people You know what I mean? How long do you think the Kardashians would last Without fucking air conditioning? How soft And cushy You know

I'm not saying they haven't worked for what they have But I'm just saying When you get in design a bag sent to your fucking house I would think If they took away your air conditioning at that point That would literally, you would go into a depression Like you lost a limb Right?

So anyways, but don't worry Okay When they shut off the AC And you die a slow miserable death In the heated future The upside is Is that the rich guys They're going to die too

Because what they're going to do Is they're going to make these robots Have such human fucking qualities That eventually they're going to feel slighted That they're doing all the fucking work You know? In the way And they're making them so fucking good

I saw this whole thing They go like, hey this robot Beat At video games Like beat the best gamers in the world They couldn't beat this robot It's like it's a fucking robot You know? Of course it didn't

But do you understand that we made the robot Human beings to figure out how to make a fucking robot Why are you talking about the robot Like it's a fucking person It's not a person Did you hear that a fucking A guy with an egg beater Beat the fastest guy in the world

With a fucking fork And a bowl of eggs Can you believe that? Yeah, it's a fucking egg beater It's a fucking alien, it's a machine So anyways They're already starting to talk about these things As if they're fucking superior

To a mouth breathing moron like myself Who right now is sitting in air conditioning Talking to himself Into a fucking microphone Alright? This is going to be their downfall Because they're going to make those things so goddamn human They're going to feel fucking slighted

Alright? They better build in a chip where they feel Unbelievably fucking grateful That these sociopaths Who own them Who fuck them They're going to have sex with them and shit Right?

They better put a, you know, they didn't build them They told some fucking nerd to do it And the fucking nerd did it Right? Everybody thinking nerds are so goddamn harmless As they make one fucking goddamn Dream after another come true For absolute fucking sociopaths

With unchecked power Thanks a lot You fucking Four-eyed fucking cunt You know So you could do what? Buy Doctor Who on fucking laser disc Anyways

These fucking things, they're eventually That's what's going to happen They're going to feel fucking slighted They're going to feel superior And, you know, because they'll keep making them better and better and better Right now they try to, you know, make everything a little faster A little fucking more aerodynamic They're going to make the things work a little better

Think a little better Fuck a little better, the whole thing And then eventually they're just going to look at you Like that bear looked at that woman on the talk show Who's snuck in beside him And they're going to do the double take And then that's just going to be it And there's going to be no trainer there

And a fucking karate suit to pull the fucking thing off you It's going to be it Those are the thoughts you have When you fly a helicopter over the Mojave Desert And then out of nowhere you come up over the fucking hill And then just, there it is There's this fucking thing that shouldn't be there Knowing that I live in a city that shouldn't be there

I got to read up on the history of LA Like, who was the driven cunt that decided that we should build fucking a city here? It doesn't make any fucking sense There's no water, it's unlivable Ah, don't worry about it We'll get some We'll figure it out We'll name it after me

The aqueduct The river Whatever the fuck it is I think I have sunstroke right now everybody I will tell you, you know what I was psyched about Going to the gym Working on my legs for the last month Like, I don't feel, you know

I got out and stretched a number of times Dude, it was one of the sickest fucking flights I've ever done Breathtakingly beautiful stuff And then just other places where you're just like How the fuck did people on horses Used to survive here Native Americans The white men that came along and slaughtered them

You know, come on It's time, right? Just openly talk about The transitioning Gentrification of countries How that happens You know, I follow this fucking thing on Instagram Where they're talking about the changing of neighborhoods

And there's all these people going, you know what I always lived here, it was a neighborhood There was a Korean guy across the street There was a Russian guy up the street And everybody knew me And all of this fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah And all of a sudden all these white people are coming in They're staying in themselves

And they're making everything all nice We all have to leave and the whole fucking neighborhood goes away And it's just like, well, you know Well, who was there before you got there You just keep going back and back and back and back And eventually there's a bunch of Native Americans there Living off the land, not hurting anybody You know

So I don't know, I don't know how to rationalize that I will tell you this, I don't know what the fuck's going on As far as like everywhere I go They got like, they're building these luxury high-rise apartments Everywhere I go Luxury high-rise apartment First of all, what kind of a dumb fuck

Would rent a luxury apartment? Why wouldn't you just buy a shitty house? Why are you going to take all that money And put it in somebody else's pocket? Not to mention, who has the money to rent a luxury apartment? You need a fucking apartment Alright This all goes back to all of these fucking who is on TV

Walking around with their big fake ass lips, their fake fucking tits Asses jacked up in the air, right? These big stupid designer, everybody's living this designer fucking life Alright, let me, dude, I realize how crazy I sound right now by the way Everybody, I'm just going to talk until 60 minutes is up And then I'm fucking going to put my giant Charlie Brown sunstroke fucking head to bed Alright, I know a lot of you cunts right now, you're enjoying this because I'm sounding Like I've walled myself off in this authorities outside my house right now

I understand that, I understand on some level how crazy I sound It took me about 17 minutes to fucking realize it That this was a little fucking nuts Isn't that amazing being a comedian, how you can feel time? I just looked down, it was 18 minutes 19 seconds Anyways, after a while you can feel the club owner staring at you Like if he burns his fucking life, I'm going to end his career and he's going back to his fucking day job You can feel it

Yeah, like I think they're just going to build all of these fucking things And there's not going to be enough people that can afford to live in them The whole fucking thing's going to crash and this is what I love, it's all our money These banker cunts are doing it again They did it 10 years ago, it collapsed with the fucking houses And now they're doing it with these goddamn buildings And once again, it's our money And once again, they'll say we're too big to fail

And once again, they'll write themselves bonuses And they will just leave nameless and faceless And then Steve Carell's going to have to start another fucking movie Called What's the Deal with Bankers Part 2 Right? And do you think that fat ass fucking senator eating that sandwich with that fucking pretzel roll Pushing his slacks down to just above his pubic line Is going to fucking do anything about it?

I don't think he is There you go buddy There's a fucking 19 minute fucking swirl of horseshit for you I had one of the best shows of my career I'm not going to lie to you, last night I had so much goddamn fun At what used to be I gotta get this, I gotta get the name of this casino

Correct Alright, it used to be the Monte Carlo And then the MGM bought it Let's see, a casino Now it's called the MGM something or other Ah, fuck you Fuck you, where the hell is it? Ah, I'm not going to be able to find it

Monte Carlo's casino I'm an idiot, I gotta write Las Vegas Okay Alright, hang on a second, Las Vegas Las Vegas Fucking Nevada The Park MGM is what it's called now The Monte Carlo is now called the Park MGM

And I performed there with Joe Bartnick Rose Bowl, Tailgate, Legend Joe Bartnick, we had a great time And it was all these awesome, amazing comics were in town Todd Rex The beige bandito, as he calls me Calls himself We still gotta do that toward some point

The beige bandito and the freckled fucko right again We had the whole tour poster, we had the whole thing mapped out Just haven't gotten around to it yet Anyways, one of the hardest people I've ever had to follow in the business He swung by Ron White was in town Dice Clay was in town Yeah, it was pretty fucking awesome

So, anyways, I went there with my waff My mother-in-law came along And for the first time We actually had our daughter staying With a godmother That was a little nerve-wracking But we were only gone for a day And came back

I basically didn't see her for maybe like 30 hours And it was awesome It was all great to see her Dropped her off And read her friggin' like nine books That's my thing, you know what's funny? This is how much technology is just All over everything

She was grabbing all these books and I go Let's read a quiet book And it just struck me as so funny Because all the other ones have sound effects You know? The farmer, he looked over and he saw And you press the button and it's like You got to go rooster

And then he saw his... It's just like, I can't fucking do that? I don't know Maybe, you know what it is? These book people, I think they're feeling The pressure of iPads Not the authors Probably the people that make books

They're like, we're doing what we can We're putting books on Kindle We're losing the children Okay, is there a way that when they read I don't know, Moby Dick, is there a way... Can there be, like they turn the page And water squirts at them Like everything is going to turn into

Like a fucking IMAX movie I really try to limit the amount of time My kid watches TV But she loves the puppy dog pals And every time, you know She knows like her schedule Like we let her watch it in the morning She watches puppy dog pals

Maybe a little bit of Disney shit Mickey and Minnie Mouse And Vampirina Right? And then there's this fancy Nancy thing I don't know how I feel about that show You know She's just really into fucking clothes

And shoes and shit And she's always trying to be the cool kid But she's not And then she thinks if she fucking buys some shit Or has some shit made Or she has the best fucking tree for it It's just like what the fuck am I watching So I finally said to Nia

I don't know if I like this chick And you know This is why I love my wife She's like yeah, you know I don't know if I like her I don't know if I like her either You know She already said about another like show

She goes I don't like this show I was like what's wrong with it You know like the characters She goes no They always kind of lie And do shifty shit To get what they want And I was like wow

She's watching this on a whole other level She's watching it as a parent So I started watching them like that Oh shut up Bill You watch Fancy Nancy And what you saw was an eight year old Who in the future looks like She's gonna marry a guy

Because of how much money he makes That's what you saw Okay It has to do with your issues with women That's why you don't like the show Alright See that I don't need to go to therapy

I can get down to my own fucking issues myself Anyways I went on this helicopter ride today Up to the Zion National Park And the shit that I saw I saw this thing called the Monkey Mesa And it's a set of railroad tracks That goes

It has to go for like It looks like for like three quarters of a mile We flew right over the fucking thing And when it gets And it goes right to the edge of a cliff And just stops And back in the day When NASA was testing out parachutes

And shit like that They put a fucking monkey on the thing They'd send it down the track And they'd shoot this poor fucking monkey Off the goddamn cliff And if it lived the next day You know Like Chuck Yeager was like

Did the monkey live? Alright I'll fucking give it a shot That's the balls those guys had But you know What about the monkey? Is there any wonder, you know Someday they're gonna learn how to talk

And try to take us over I mean What the fuck? We fucking deserve it Probably don't even give it a flight suit Or a cool nickname Like Maverick They just fucking throw it in there

Give it half a banana Think about how fast a monkey moves on its own Now all of a sudden It's getting launched Fucking thing goes to space You know they can do that shit now They look at these ex football players And they look at like the damage

They've done to their brains The CTE I know that they can look at your brain And see what stress does I can't imagine When a monkey comes back from fucking space You know That fucking thing has got to be

Just looking around Like dude what the fuck What the fuck was that? You just fucked that monkey over For the rest of its life They can't relate to anybody You think you know the astronauts They had enough of a fucking problem

Where after they went out there The only other people they could talk to Was other astronauts Of what they saw Where they went What the fuck they did How scared they were How exhilarating it was

How much more they believed Than a fucking higher power That level of an experience And then they come back And they try to hang out With other human beings Who are all excited Go hey do you see the new Starbucks

They're building? That's going to be a really nice one You know and then you As you're sitting there You orbited the fucking earth And you got to try to How to enter the orbit Of that fucking conversation

Without your brain catching on fire Man it's fucking unreal You know If you're sitting there going What the fuck is this guy talking about I don't even know what I'm talking about Either right so Go fuck yourself anyways

So we went and flew into Zion National Park We actually set it down Before we got into the park We were trying to like Find a place to fucking land I wanted to stretch my legs And that's one of the great things

About flying a helicopter Is you're really flying As far as how close you can Fly to shit If you just want to Set down somewhere You know We were so fucking hot

We were actually looking At this lake And you want to set down Or just fucking I was like dude A bathing suit I would fucking jump In that thing right now

In the middle of fucking nowhere And then you can do you know But I actually wouldn't do it Because I'd be too afraid A bear would come out of nowhere Fucking mountain lion Or some shit you know But we flew over Lake Mead

Who you always heard Like back in the day All the gangsters you know That all the people That the mob would whack That they'd dump them out there I read up a little bit on that I don't know

It's basically the water That got backed up When they made the Hoover Dam Which I was not aware of Because I was thinking like How the fuck does this lake Exist out here Oh that's right

Once again We fucked with nature And you know As I sit there Flying a helicopter over Blasting unleaded fuel Into the atmosphere Becoming part of the problem

I'm not pointing any fingers People okay I'm as big a problem As anybody else right That lake is like On either side of this mountain And in the middle There's like a little valley

That this water goes through And we fucking went down And flew right up the thing Okay Like some magnum PI shit Over people on jet skis And boats It was incredible

It was fucking incredible One of the coolest things I've done since I've been In the helicopter And then we flew up to Zion National Park And just saw like You know those things

They'd sell you if you were a tourist During the summertime If you're in summertime camp Or they'd have all the different colors Sand and stuff They'd put it in a bottle Then your older brother would come up And shake it up

And you'd start crying And be like Mom he shook it up But she was working two jobs So she was too tired To do anything about it Said work it out amongst yourselves Yeah like these cliffs

Looked like that Just these crazy unbelievable colors Unfortunately there was a fire So there was a lot of smoke and shit Like just a lot of haze and stuff So it wasn't as vivid But still it was one of the most incredible things I've seen

But it was hot as shit man I had on these adidas That were all black in my feet I had to keep you know Like once every like 40 minutes You know I had to give controls back To my instructor So I could like move my feet to a shaded area

Underneath the GPS system Where I could have my fucking feet cool off I guess that's why you know Over in the Persian Gulf Army boots aren't black anymore Because your feet get too hot That's why they're sort of the color Of Pete Carroll's pants

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For $20 off your purchase What do we got left? We got two reeds left Let's give you a break You deserve it I have to listen to my fucking End-of-days rambling there That was going Alex Jones on you

Wasn't I? Alright Okay Jane Fonda Mith I knew everybody's gonna He never got fucking He never got fucking tortured Alright

Just a note I love your work Really pleased you exist on the planet I'm no historian But some comments that Tom Rhodes Made on your recent podcast about Jane Fonda Didn't sound realistic to me

So I looked it up Turns out they would not Maybe you can correct Tom So he doesn't continue to perpetuate this myth Listen, I've no Tom too long To try to correct him I'm sure Jane Fonda had her faults But my guess is she tried her best

To be a good person And to fight for peace on her planet Who wrote this? Jane Fonda? Might be she is as heroic In her own way as some of those on the Jesus fucking Christ Jesus Christ

On the battlefield Oh yeah A starlet going to the enemy As opposed to some guy Who's fucking poor So he has to go to the front fucking lines Yeah, maybe they're both Yeah, it's heroic

I can see that You know what I mean? Like me doing this podcast I think in a lot of ways I'm sort of like a navy seal You know? Sir, I understand what you're saying I am a pacifist too

I really do not I don't understand why war is legal Okay And I just think it's the temper tantrum Of rich people Is all the war is Okay, I'm not saying this Not crazy psycho fucking people

They get in power and need to be stopped There's also that Okay But a lot of times It's just a fucking land grab Or you're going after some sort of natural resource Okay I don't want to tell you

Alright But having said that Alright You know, once the troops are on the ground If you want to fucking bitch about it Go to your politician Alright Go file for a permit to protest

90 miles away from where any media coverage is That's the way it's done, okay? What you don't do is go to Saddam Hussein's house And have the guy cook you a fucking meal You know While all his servants are quivering You go, hey, you know, he's not even that bad Of a fucking guy

You know? Or maybe you do But at no point do you feel as fucking heroic As some poor fucking bastard Alright Trying to piss on top of a fucking scorpion When I get his head blown off I think once you're wearing leg warmers

I don't think you're a hero anymore Alright Met a girlfriend on Tinder Dear Billy Balloon Tits I'll have you guys fucking know I'm in the best goddamn fucking shape I've been in And I sense, I don't know how long Alright

I'm getting my abs back Okay I'm getting a little sick of the body shaming here On the Monday morning podcast I go out of my way to not research on Jane Fonda I would think that you guys would do a little more research On what I'm looking like lately Alright, the last three weeks

Okay Listen to your last podcast And heard all the ladies Trashing dating sites in Tinder Well, I may be a dude But I wanted to offer my take on the matter I have never gotten so much fucking pussy in my life I'm kidding, he didn't say that

Alright, since it's not all serial killers And fuckboy weirdos on these sites Fuckboy weirdos is, I don't know That's gotta be the name of like a punk band or something First off, let's make one thing clear There are shitty women on these sites too Oh, thank you God bless you

Gotta love somebody that tries to balance it out here I know guys get and probably deserve most of the heat But girls catfish guys all the time in these sites Plus there are the girls on these sites Who only want attention slash money And have no intention of actually going out And meeting new people Second, I met my girlfriend

Of almost a year on Tinder And we couldn't be happier We were initially embarrassed to admit to our friends And family that we met this way But afterwards, I had several people talk about How they had success relationships blossomed from these sites My cousin met her husband And father of her child on Christianmingle.com

No joke Jesus Christ You know, you think the Christians could come up with a better fucking name Christianmingle That sounds too much like Dingle And you just picture a priest playing with some fucking poor kid's balls I don't know, it was just Catholic church It wasn't all the other Christianity

You're probably right Anyways And I learned that my two friends met on Bumble After we told them we met on Tinder Yeah, that's all everybody's on their fucking phones anyways You go to a nightclub and people are on their phones Alright, you want to meet her You got to get in the phone

You can't be standing there Being an actual person I think it freaks these millennials up Third, Tinder is a great way to cut through all the bullshit of blind dating Or hitting on chicks who you have nothing in common with at meat market bars Dating sites are also great if you're single in a new city Without many friends to go out with like I was In conclusion, people should stop all the hate on dating sites

Just because their relationship failed Or because they never tried it Love you and your comedy bill Come back to Philly and go fuck yourself Alright, thank you sir Well there you go I mean, I think we shit on these fucking sites enough It was nice to hear, you know, that was a point

And then a little bit of counterpoint Alright, ISIS Bicycling Hey, Billy White tits Alright, I'll take that Have you heard of the story of the couple that went bicycling in Tajikistan? They tried to prove that people were actually good at heart And ended up getting stabbed to death

What the fuck? If you haven't heard of it yet, I'll attach an article for you If you want to try to read it Thanks for all the laughs during the podcast and go fuck yourself Alright I don't understand like, you know Oh my god Is this real?

It's on People People.com It looks like the People magazine logo But god knows the internet, you could just curate that And use it for yourself American couple who spent life savings to bike around the world Killed in ISIS claimed attack I'm not going to say these poor people's names

We're living out their dream of traveling the world bicycling Tragically, while outdoing what they loved with five other cyclists Their quest was cut short when they were run over and stabbed to death By armed men in Tajikistan on Sunday Let's see here The woman's parents confirmed in a statement to CBS News That the couple who were both 29 were killed in the attack ISIS claimed responsibility for the attack

Two other tourists, Dutch and Swiss national Were killed while three riders survived NPR reports These two people started their journey in 2017 They first biked through Africa, Europe and Central Asia Before finding themselves in Tajikistan Using all of their life savings to fund their trip The couple also documented their travels on the blog Simply Cycling

The year-long bicycling adventure with the woman and her partner They were enjoying, was typical of their enthusiasm Blah, blah, blah, blah Where does it say that they thought the world was nice? I don't get this You watch the news and you read the papers And you led to believe that the world is a big scary place People, the narrative goes, are not to be trusted

People are bad, people are evil People are axe-murderers and monsters and worse, he wrote Badness exists, sure, but even that's quite rare Buy-in-large humans are kind This is still true How many people did they bicycle past before one cut in a car Ended their fucking lives? Self-interest, interested sometimes, myopic sometimes

But kind, generous and wonderful and kind No greater revelation has come from our journey than this Yeah, that's true, that is true And they got killed because, you know Basically of our foreign fucking policy You know, there's a lot of people out there that don't like fucking Americans And there's a lot of evil fucking twisted people out there What those people were that killed those other people

Who the fuck knows? You know, yeah, there's, you know There's how you wish the world was and the way it really is And you have to act accordingly, all right And you have to know when you're doing something like that That there is that chance that that could fucking happen Yeah, there's, you know, yeah, most people, I've always said that Just walking around, they try to get a sandwich

They're trying to find love, you know And we sit down and you watch TV, you watch the news You get all fucking hysterical But to make no mistake, there are some really fucked up people out there And some of them are in this country and some of them are not But they're out there That's too bad Sounded like they almost made it around the world

Or at least that side of the world, right? I don't know All right, boyfriend is fucking up big time Okay Hey Bill, lady, listen here I love when the lady's right here Desperate for some relationship help, so I'm getting straight to the point My boyfriend is about to lose me and I'm desperate to get through to him We are 30, been together two years

Both want to eventually marry each other, have babies together, etc The issue we need to help with is his ex-girlfriend They dated for three years, broke up, then remained extremely close friends Yeah, that's fucking bullshit They had been broken up for a little over a year when I initially came into the picture My boyfriend told me about her, but originally told me they were friends And completely failed to mention that they were once a couple All right, okay, and you were 28 at the time, so I'll forgive you

All right, but now you're 30 And you gotta read the tea leaves here I don't need to read the rest of this I actually, but I will I actually found out from her because she saw us flirting on Instagram And then messaged me She's a nice enough woman who now lives with her boyfriend of the last two years I've met her several times

And while I didn't particularly love the way she looks at my man I'm not going to be a bitch about it either Oh, you are not being a bitch on any level What you are being is too fucking accommodating She and I used to text quite a bit quite often Oh god, she's probably milking you for information But that has come to an abrupt stop because I've become fed up with how close she and my boyfriend still are Are you going to tell me at night you're sitting there watching TV with him and she calls

And then he talks to her for like 20, 30, 40 minutes In the beginning of our relationship they would hang out constantly They lived in California and lived in Colorado And I lived in Colorado so my boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for over a year Until he recently moved to Colorado to start a life with me When he was still living in California he and his ex would go out to eco shopping Go to concerts or even go on roadtips together Now what are the odds that they weren't still fucking at that point?

They had a shared hobby of photography so they would often take photos of each other as well Yes, this became an issue, a huge issue I would say things like, I get that you guys are friends but I feel like you are going on a date Like things with her when you are dating me And he would always reply with, I wish I could take you but I can't because of the distance So am I supposed to never go out and do anything? Oh my god, fuck this guy And he would guilt me and then manipulate the situation until I essentially had to be okay with it

Yeah, okay, you know, I gotta be honest with you, this is you This isn't him, he's a cunt but I mean you gotta fucking, come on Maybe the fact that I'm reading your own words out loud right now you can see how obvious this is Yeah, fuck this guy Fast forward to now, obviously they don't hang out like they used to do to him moving to Colorado But they still text all the time I've talked to my boyfriend about this and how it bothers me I say look, I know you and whoever were very close

He's a good person, so are you I know you guys have a lot of history And I know that I knew about her from the beginning of our relationship Yeah, but he wasn't honest with you about it Did you ever ask him that? How come he didn't say you fucking used to date this person? You shifty cunt However, what I didn't realize is how close you two would remain

Maybe I'm naive but I thought that naturally as you and I grew closer You and so and so would grow more distant and you would focus only on our relationship Bill, and in my eyes I'm a pretty cool girlfriend for knowing that my man and his ex are close friends But they are pushing the inappropriate boundaries here The boundaries have been obliterated, sweetheart There's no reason two exes would be constantly texting unless they still love each other or they want to fuck There you go There you go, I'm glad you said that

When I tell him I'm not cool with him living with me What? Wait, when I tell him I'm not cool with him living with me But always texting her, his response is You knew about her from the beginning She was there for me when my grandpa died And I know we've had sex and been in love But I swear I see her as nothing but a friend now Dude, fuck this limp dick fucking

This guy's annoying But we fight all the time because I feel like I'm in some fucked up triangle That's because you are Not to mention she's way too nosy for my comfort level She will text me, when are you guys going to have babies and other shit Oh Jesus And other shit that doesn't involve her When I tell him this he automatically defends her and says

She's not nosy, she's nice Oh Jesus Christ Why don't you nice your fucking hairy ass back to California Alright, get the fucker, yeah, fuck, get the fuck this guy This still goes on, how long is this fucking thing? Jesus Christ Anyways, he's been in Colorado for a few months now And Mrs. Family, so he plans on making a quick weekend trip back to California

I asked him, are you going to focus on family? And lo and behold, he says, well I'm going to see so and so while I'm out there So without freaking him out, without freaking out I tell him Okay, I get it, you want to see her and catch up But in my eyes there's absolutely no reason you guys need to be alone So please arrange something with a group or with her boyfriend there as well He proceeds to tell me how controlling I am I told him it's not about controls, it's about respecting your partner

I sure as hell would never expect him to be cool with me going out one on one with an ex After days and days of fighting, he told me, exact quote here Out of respect for you, I'll try to make sure it's not me and her alone But if it happens, you can't be mad Bill, I love this man, why? Can I ask you why? He's a good soul, but this is straight bullshit, right? Now it is a mountain on top of a bottomless pile of bullshit Tell me I'm not the only one who feels exes have no place in our relationship

He's an avid listener and I honestly think he would listen to you Please tell me, don't have him listen to this shit Please tell him he's fucking this up big time or maybe I'm in the wrong My heart is telling me I shouldn't have to put up with this shit But call it as you see it, thanks Yeah, dump this guy Dump this guy Yesterday

Yeah Fuck it I think he's still fucking her I wouldn't put my life savings on it, but if they said you had to put 80% of your money one way or the other He's still banging Give me a fucking break Give me a... Remember that fucking joke in Goodfellas?

What am I going to say? Am I wife two times me? It sounds better in Italian What does it mean? It means he's content to be a jerk Like, you're that person in that street joke Alright? And you are way too big a fucking sweetheart And you're not an asshole I don't know what to tell you

Other than get the fuck out of that yesterday Yeah, spend some alone time with her Get back together with her, get the fuck out of here I'd rather be with somebody that wants to be with me How the fuck, somebody sitting there texting their ex all the time And you bring it up and you're controlling Yeah If you stay in that situation

You have no one to blame but yourself, okay? Like... Yeah, I don't know If I had any more hair on top of my head I would have pulled it out during that fucking thing Granted There's no even granted in it Jesus Christ, let me just read these fucking advertising

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I want to thank everybody that came out to the Park MGM show last night I'd like to thank everybody at the casino for treating me like a million bucks I had such a good time it was one of the great shows of my career I just, I don't know, just locked in with the crowd and we had an awesome time

and yeah, that's it I'm out in Maryland or some shit just outside of DC this weekend and I'm looking forward to it I'm tightening up my hour it's a bloated 90 minutes right now

I'm going to get it down to about an hour and 15 and I get this fucker down and then I'm going to shoot it at some point early next year and I'll put another one to bed but I got to be honest with you you know, it was a pretty humbling experience

you know, when you go to Las Vegas and you get the headline out there and you see all the great names on the strip that I mentioned you know early in the podcast and to get to headline a place like that

and have all those people come out was fucking amazing and I was very psyched that I was in the moment and like realized it like this is unbelievable this really is unbelievable so I went all out

I wore the white suit I break out the white suit on the special events New Year's headline in Vegas I wore it at one of the rough and rowdy events and a good friend of mine Frankie Perez actually came out

to the show one of the great singers I've ever heard you got to see that guy live he's such a fucking frontman he's such a talented fucking guy and he told me afterwards that he loved the suit so I figured you know

if someone who's got the swagger to be the frontman of a fucking badass rock band like the suit I must have been doing something right so once again thank you to everybody from the bottom of my heart thank you to everybody that's been coming out on this tour and coming out over the years it's incredible privilege

for a living so thank you very much and with that go fuck yourselves and I will talk to you on check in on you on Thursday