Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-22-11

Episode Date: August 22, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about TV sets, police brutality, and topless women.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Apologize for this free entree being late. I'm not gonna lie to you guys. I tried to do it last night.

I tried my best at this, you know? And I flew yesterday on American Eagle, not bragging. That's how the big boys do it. That's the poor man's learjet. You know, it's the same fucking size, except you jammed in there with 40 other fucking people. You know, you know the plane is small when they make you just, you check everything except yourself.

The second you what? Did I just do a joke from the 80s? I'm not saying this plane was small people, but I had to check my fucking loafers. Hey now! Keep it going for the band, everybody! Oh, is this podcast gonna suck too? I'm gonna tell you right now, I'm gonna warn you guys,

this podcast is gonna suck this week. I don't have it. I am fucking burned out. Alright? I don't have any funny left. I did Nashville last weekend. I'm doing Letterman tonight. I've been trying to put together my five minutes of squeaky clean material,

despite the fact that I am not a squeaky clean guy. I am trying to search and sift through my act to find that needle of cleanness in that fucking dirty haystack. Oh, Jesus Christ. I got nothing. Do you understand that? I got nothing. My act right now, I, for 20 minutes,

I talk about gold digging whores. I defend Arnold Schwarzenegger. I talk about reasons to hit women. And I make fun of people who get plastic surgery. That's it, folks. That's the new hour of material. It's somewhere in there. I'm supposed to fucking pull out five minutes

that's not gonna piss off people that sell tide. I'll tell you, I can't do it anymore. I used to be that five minute guy who could come up with five minutes of clean material. You know, oh boy, oh boy. How's everybody doing tonight? Here's my little wacky take on fucking rollerblades. I used to be able to do it.

I'm not that person anymore. All right? I think working clean is for somebody in their 20s. I don't know why. At least it was for me. Or being self-deprecating. I'm not self-deprecating. Self-deprecating is for somebody who is young

and is still a little bit awkward. I am 43. I am set in my ways. I think I'm right about everything that I talk about. I'm an asshole. That's not conducive for a fucking four-and-a-half-minute set. Oh, Jesus. Whatever.

I'm gonna figure out how to do it. But whatever. I got that fucking thing hanging over my head. I shoot that thing in about four hours. And, you know, it's hilarious as I ran the set last night at the comic strip. It's been killing all fucking week. And then I go up the comic strip and I just eat my balls

wire-to-wire. And then I find out that everyone in the crowd was from, like, Finland and Norway or some shit. And it's just like, why does that always happen right before you're gonna go on TV? It's an unwritten rule that if you're gonna do five minutes on a late-night talk show, it's gonna kill all month and then the night before you do it,

something like that's gonna happen. And I figure we go down to this club and you show up and unbeknownst to you, it's an entire, like, water polo team from fucking New Zealand. And you're going up there with your act and you're just eating your fucking balls. But you gotta stay in your act.

You can't come out of it and be like, what the fuck is your guy's problem? Because you're timing the set. And then you walk off with flop sweat and they go, oh, no, no, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. That was a water polo team. That was the didgeridoo union workers

from the Outback in Australia. Don't worry, the set's gonna go great. And then you just sit there laying in bed thinking about that one fucking set. Fuck the other 60 sets you did where it went great. I'm sick of this shit. Stop mind fucking yourself, Bill. All right?

I need fucking John Madden to come in here right now. Give me a goddamn half-time fucking speech or a pre-game speech about what it is I need to do tonight. Nah, I know I'm gonna be fine, because I'm gonna be there. It's gonna be a bunch of tourists, hopefully who speak English. You know?

You never know with this fucking recession and the goddamn dollar being so weak, those motherfuckers who were at the club last night, they might throw their money around and come to the TV taping. Oh, Jesus. So I am staying at a very nice hotel. And what makes a hotel nice in New York City,

just space. The fact that when I open the door, I don't trip over the bed. Makes me feel that I have an unbelievably spacious hotel room here. It's actually a great hotel, and I really like the way they decorated it. They went with a minimalist style. Huh? That's right, I know that word.

Minimalist. Kind of like the set on the Dick Van Dyke show. When he'd come in, whoop-a-doo-doo, ba-da-da, bitty, ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da. Right? He'd come walking in with booze on his breath and force himself on a young, naive Mary Tyler Moore. Oh, she just married Tyler back then.

I don't know what she was, but she was fucking hot. I told you, that's my favorite era. The way the broads used to dress back then. You know, they had those two-tone shoes. They were heels, but it wasn't hoary. You know? This is pre... Like, just think of the women

who have influenced female style in the last fucking 25 years. I'm really gonna sound like an old guy, but I just think that they dress like absolute trash. The fucking trash. The Kardashians. That's your pinnacle of fashion sense? Huh?

Those squirrel-eyed whores? Huh? What's they look like to me? Like, I've ever wanted to fuck a gopher. If I was ever turned on by a, uh... by a rodent. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. And who came before them?

Who was before them? Paris Hilton. Paris fucking Hilton. Just, just fucking head to toe jizzed on. By the time she was fucking 19, she was just used up. Now, how do you think she got that way? Everybody thinks because of what?

Because what? She was some, uh... some rich guy's fucking kid? That's how she ended up that way? No! Who was before her? Madonna. Laying on the stage.

Fucking spreading the goddamn legs. Just trash. She's trash. It's all it's been. It's been fucking trash for 30 fucking years. And you go back, you watch, you watch all those old movies. Those fucking women, they're beautiful, but they got, they got class.

And you know what? They were probably sucking as much dick as the girls do today, but they didn't wear it on their sleeve. Fucking tattooed goddamn whores. They would just fucking bring their asses down just a little bit more. You know?

Skirts a little bit longer. Leave something to the imagination. You don't think so? All you guys are, I wish they walked around naked. You never had that moment in a titty bar? When you walk in, you just at some point, it's just not even exciting anymore.

You're actually talking to a completely naked woman, asking her where the bathroom is. You know? There's no excitement anymore. You're told, you're used to it. You're fucking used to it. Speaking of which, speaking of which, what's the deal?

They had a protest here in New York City. It was evidently yesterday was Gotopolis Day. It said protesters went over the top for the right to bear breasts. Almost three dozen activists went through Columbus Circle yesterday on National Gotopolis Day. Similar demonstrations were held across the country

demanding that lawmakers trash codes against female toplessness. I don't know why they want to fucking do that, but you know, more power to them. I guess the good-looking ones. That's how I would ease into that law. You got to demonstrate that your titties should be shown. The same way when you see a guy walking around

with man-tits and you're like, put a shirt on! Right? I think that... I think you should earn being topless. How about that? You know, I sound like a dictator, but if I was one,

that's how I would run my country. You got to earn it. If you're a guy, you got to be jacked. And if you're a woman, your tits have to still be excited about life. They can't be those beaten-down tits staring at your toes. You know?

You know what's interesting is in a lot of third-world countries, women walking around with their titties hanging out is no big deal. It's not a... They don't give a shit. So I was just wondering, as men here in the States, and are we turned on by titties just because we've...

I think that's what it is. You know what? That's exactly what the fuck it is. Because those old-school chicks, the Mary Tyler Moors with their goddamn skirts below their knee. You know, if every girl was walking around with skirts below their knee,

your whole fucking life, and then one day, some girl comes walking by, and just her skirt is above her knee. I swear to God, you're going to get a semi. You're like, holy shit. I can see your knees. You know?

Wait, man, don't do that with titties. You know, can we still be excited to see your fucking titties? Isn't it enough? Don't you get enough in this country? You know, you get to run your fucking yaps all goddamn day long, be as rude and as inconsiderate as humanly fucking possible, and no one can slap you in the face.

We can't do it anymore. You know? There you are, yapping, yapping, yapping, yapping. Right? You get divorced, you get to take a guy for all these fucking words, and they'd be, I'm just a girl. I can't work.

Work for me. I'm used to a certain lifestyle. Isn't that enough? Now you're going to, you know, you've joined all our fucking men's clubs. We can't even get away from you. And one of the few pleasures we have left in life is the excitement of seeing a pair of tits,

talking our way in to seeing a pair of fucking tits. Right? A couple of blue moons and a, you know, a Belvedere or some shit. You get her to do it, and now you're going to take that away by just walking around your goddamn titties hanging out. What would Audrey Hepburn say?

What the fuck would she say? Is that the right one? That breakfast at Tiffany's Chick? I use that fucking expression, that reference, and I've never seen that movie. I've just seen pictures of it, and I think that that girl is, she's a class act. Unlike all you filthy whores nowadays,

with your hoary little Kardashian shoes, with the fucking Paris Hilton jizz on my face straps, and the Madonna hoary fishnets. You know? I know a lot of you guys, because Madonna is like 63 at this point, has been living in England for 20 years. You actually think that she's some highfalutin.

She's the daughter of a trucker from Michigan. Don't ever forget that, all right? And she's not fooling me with her goddamn accent. Jesus, why am I trashin' Madonna so fucking bad? Anyway, this is the Monday Morning Podcast. Did I even get done hyping the podcast select? So yeah, so it's 99 cents. By the way, the Monday Morning Podcast Select

is not available on iTunes. And you're probably like, why isn't it available on iTunes? That's why I don't know all my shit. Why? Because those fucking cunts want like, you know, like 40 per... I don't know what they take.

It's absolutely disgusting. The fact because it's 99 fucking cents. The fact that you're gonna take 40 cents out of my 99 cents. And before anybody goes, well, Bill, the math works out no matter what. 40% is 40%. It's the fucking principle of it. When I'm only making a dollar,

you're gonna leave me with 50 cents? 49 cents, you fucking cunts? Ain't happening. Not to this podcaster. I say no. So it's only available on themmpodcast.com. I got... We got absolutely rave reviews.

Like how I just said we, like I have an entire fucking staff of people rather than just one person helping me out with this. I guess technically that's still we. We got rave reviews. Listen to some of these. The podcast select was awesome. You have set a high standard right out of the gate.

Love listening to Ephraim and those great stories. I have zero guilt paying my one Canadian dollar for the podcast select. It was like a first round draft pick that panned out. Well, you know something? I have no problem... I have no problem taking your Canadian dollar. You know why?

Because I just went to Canada and I got 80 cents on the American dollar. So buddy, I think you just gave me a dollar 20. Somebody's gonna actually do the real math. Actually, it's a dollar 17. Go fuck yourself. I will be buying select episodes in the M.M. podcast, but probably not this one.

I'm not a sports fan. I don't even know who the guy is, but it's only a buck. I probably will get it. Damn. Now, why would you send me that one? That guy's just fucking... Is that a chick right in that?

I don't know what I'm gonna do. Maybe I'm gonna do it. Maybe I'm not gonna do it. I just feel like, oh, shut up. All right, let's get on to the... Oh, and I want to thank Ephraim Salam for being a fucking unbelievable guest. That's the real reason why that podcast was so awesome,

and it's also the reason why I'm not gonna be doing one every single week, or maybe even every month. I'm gonna wait till I have a guest that can shine a light on something and is a great... I haven't really talked about that is not really stand-up comedy related,

and then also it's something that I'm interested in, so I have good questions that I can ask them, you know? Like, one of something I actually want to do is I want to interview a grizzled veteran police officer. Actually, a retired police officer. And I want to ask all the questions that civilians fucking have. Like, why do you have to be such a dick

when you pull me over? And I'm not being a dick asking that. Alright? I just mean, you know? Is that how they train you? Because you could potentially get shot? You gotta treat everybody that way? Is that what it is? I want to know all that.

What's the most fucked up thing you ever saw? What's the most corrupt thing you ever saw? Uh... The image of firefighters? Does that annoy you? I want to ask all those fucking questions. You know, because I gotta admit, I saw this YouTube video this week

that we're gonna have up on the MMPodcast.com. This fucking video is amazing. This fan runs out onto the pitch, as they say, which is basically the soccer field for all the Americans listening to this shit. He runs out onto the soccer field and he's got his little sign, this fan. He's harmless, right?

Running around with this fucking sign. So you know what's gonna happen. Four security guards are gonna tackle the guy and twist his fucking arms up, which is exactly what happens. But this guy, he's not fighting the cops as far as hitting them. He's just making it difficult for them

to get his hands together, so they can slap the cuffs on him. So they take out their nightsticks, two of them, and they start jabbing them in the ribs, harder and harder and harder. And what ends up happening next is amazing. We'll be right back after this break. Why did I just do that?

Why did I just say, and what happens next? And what happens next will shock you. Oh my God, I think I just saw my future. Am I gonna be a fucking, I'm gonna be a talking head. I can't get a TV show on the fucking air. Whisker Wars is taking up all the time.

Son of a gun. Which is Orange County choppers, but with guns. Hey, I got a fucking browning. Fucking 1919. I'm sick of the tripod. Can you turn it into a rifle? Hey, buddy, I like your fucking style. It's the exact same fucking show.

Instead of we gotta make a motorcycle for somebody. You know how the Orange County choppers goes, right? Hey, we gotta make a bike. Fucking Tyco wants us to make a bike. It's the 70th anniversary of their toy store. And then what happens? Everything was going good, and then the carburetor didn't fit.

Hey, Mikey, what's the problem? The carburetor didn't fit. What do you mean carburetor doesn't fit? Doesn't fit? We better hope Dad doesn't find out, and then he comes out. Oh, the fucking fucking fucking right? This is, it's the same goddamn show.

So we gotta, we, except they got a Southern accent. We're gonna make this, got a browning 1919. I couldn't believe it when I saw it. It was unbelievable. All right, it's up on the tripod. The amount of fucking Japanese soldiers that were killed with this thing,

it just makes them fucking dick hard. Well, this guy wants us to take all off the tripod, stick a fucking goddamn shoulder harness on it so he can walk into them all and blow everybody's face away. And also it's like, that's my fucking style, right? And what happens?

They start to make it, everything's going good, and then it doesn't work. Oh fuck, oh fuck, he's gonna be here in 20 minutes. Then everybody starts yelling at each other. I fucking give up. So anyways, back to the YouTube video.

What happens next will shock and amaze you right after this break. And we're back. So anyways, these guys are fucking jabbing this dude in the rib cage, harder and harder. And then all of a sudden, three, four fans jump out of the stands and they start running at the cops.

And then the cops literally look up, they look like, you ever see like those, when the fucking couple of lions take down a zebra or some shit and they begin to feed and then all of a sudden 40 hyenas show up and then they gotta give up the kill. That's basically what happened.

They looked up and they're like, oh shit, four on four. So they stood up and they try to have a where cops are you out of your mind? I made you kind of vibe. And then all of a sudden those four showing up made another 20 people come out of the stands and next thing you know,

the cops are on the run. And then they get fucking beaten down. One guy in particular, gets stomped even worse, way worse actually than the other fucking guy. It actually goes from shocking to amazing to hilarious to fucking disgusting, very quickly.

You know, cause you know, you're always watching these guys getting beaten. This is a fellow sports fan. I don't know. It's one of those things that I always wanted to ask a cop like, why do you guys, let this guy down.

He's face fucking down. I'm not being a dick. I'm not judging what you do. I don't have your job. I'm just asking. You got a guy face down. Somebody's got their knee on the guy, back of the guy's neck.

Somebody else is sitting on his fucking legs. The most he can do is squirm like half an inch. All right. And the guy won't let you cuff him. You know, why not? Why rather than just taking the next 30 seconds to let this guy tire out and then just cuff him?

Why do you start booting him in the head or, you know, doing atomic knee drops to his spine? Why is that done? I do have a theory. There's 60,000 fucking fans there and you have like a hundred cops. You know, and when I really think about it, the amount of times I've been drunk

when I'm at a game and I think about running out on the field, the sobering thought is taking that atomic knee drop to my fucking spine. And, you know, I got busted for drinking and driving back in the late fucking 80s, you know, back when they were actually considering making it possibly an Olympic sport, you know.

It was right on that, you know, but then the mad mothers against drinking and driving, they won. It's very close. It's like when Quebec wanted to secede from Canada, like it almost fucking happened. Summer Olympics, by the way, let's not get crazy. It wasn't going to be in the winter.

Too much degree of difficulty. But anyways, all those memories of the beat down that people take, plus the nightmare of the one time I was in the court system and somebody had my driver's license and there was fines in classes and meetings and community service. It just all just, I don't care how many drinks I've had.

I'm just like, I'm not fucking doing it. Is that why you guys do it? Sorry, I had the hiccups. Bacon, egg and cheese here, people. I'm off my oatmeal diet on the road here. Is that why it happens? I've always wondered that shit. I kind of actually understand why you come up to the window

of a car and because at any point, if at any point I could get shot in the head and die on my job, I guess I would be on edge too. But I would just love to hear it from a cop because all I'm doing is speculating. So we have a video like that this week. We have another hilarious video of a cop

pulls over this minivan and I swear to God, the amount of immigrants that run out of this fucking van, it is unbelievable. Every time you think the last wave of eight people runs out of this fucking van, another door opens and another seven people come flying out and they got Benny Hill music playing

and it's the funniest thing ever. This cop gets so overwhelmed, he doesn't catch anybody. It's like a fat kid if it was raining candy. Every time he gets some in his hand, he want to go catch some more and he drop whatever's in his fucking hand. That's basically what happened.

Fucking hilarious video. I want to thank people who sent both of those videos in. We kind of have all cop videos this week because I'm trying to draw them out of the weeds here because I want to do a Monday morning podcast select with a retired police officer and I want to hear all these stories. We did interview a cop on Uninformed

but I want to do it again because I have even more questions now. There's another one where a guy, he's getting arrested. I don't know what for. It's one of those videos that starts after the altercation starts. As far as I can tell,

he changed his name and didn't do it in a legal way. He's being like a rebel. I'm not your property. But the funny thing is, is this guy knows his rights and one of the funniest things, one of my favorite police videos to watch is when the person getting arrested knows their rights.

You know? This cop one time said to this little skater, give me that skateboard. He goes, no. It's just one of those things as a citizen. You don't realize, wait a minute, no. You don't have the right to just take my...

Do everything the cop says so he doesn't arrest you or beat the shit out of you. You just feel like if you just say no to a cop, you're automatically going to get arrested. Well, this guy is fucking hilarious. They're going, you're under arrest. And he goes, what's the charge?

What is the charge? And the guy goes, it doesn't matter. And he's like, yes, it does. I have a right to know as a citizen. I am not your property. I am the property of Yahweh. This guy, I absolutely fucking love this guy.

This guy, he has passion. He's informed. He's a little fucking crazy. He is a true fucking patriot. Without a doubt. The amount of people who would watch this guy and because he yells Yahweh would just say that he's a fucking, he's a nut job.

He's actually a travesty. And the last YouTube video of the week is Red House Furniture. It's a fucking great commercial. It's actually a ballsy commercial where they're kind of making fun of racism. And they're really going for the comedy. But the thing is, is then they're not trained professionals

on comedy. So the written shit that they're saying is funny, but the way they deliver it, the reason why it's funny is because they're not really delivering it in a comedic way. So there's plenty to laugh. Plenty to laugh about there, folks. Jesus, I suck this week.

All right, let's get on to the the fuck, the advice for the week. Can we somehow stretch this into a goddamn hour? I got nothing this week, people. I really don't. I got 80 pitches. Like I said, 80 fucking pitches. I'm going to give you four to five innings and then just pull me out

because it's going to get ugly. All right, dear Bill. Okay. Hey Bill, how's it hanging? Love the podcast. My question is this. I notice lately that when I get hammered and hook up with a girl, I can't get it up to banger.

Jesus, did you notice that, sir? That's some groundbreaking research you've done there. He goes, this must be a young kid. He goes, this got me scared. And shit, I look like a bitch in front of one girl. This never happened before. I'm not really a big drinker.

Smoke more, oh, I smoke more weed, man. I remember getting drunk with my ex and banging with no problem when we were together for a while. I was reading online that alcohol slows your blood flow to the main pipe, so I guess I won't drink so much next time I'm chilling with the bitches.

What's your and Nia's take? How should a girl react to this? Call me a fag or what? Ah, Jesus, I wish Nia was here to answer that because she can say what it's like to be on the other side of that. Now, dude. Any man worth this fucking salt

has that fucking story. You know, you're out. It's whiskey dick. Fucking throw back too many shots. You're uninhibited. You talk yourself into some pussy and then you show up and then your dick's just like fucking, you know, slumped over on your legs, snoozing.

Right? Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. You know, and because there's so much little information out there for guys and because guys are just supposed to come in to the whole having sex

part of their lives somehow just automatically knowing everything and it's just not okay. It's not okay to just not know shit. You know, like I wish if I could go back when I was a kid, I wish that I could have been strong enough to just be like, you know, like when kids would make

a sex joke when you were in high school and you completely didn't get it. And then you had to sit there and be like, ha, ha, ha. You know, hoping someone wouldn't ask you to explain the joke, which happened to me a couple times. I can't even remember the fucking jokes. They would make some fucking joke.

Some sex joke and I had no idea. I didn't even get the joke and I would, it's probably more like junior high. And for all you kids out there, you gotta understand, there was no internet, none of this shit. Okay, I had no idea. You had to piece it together. You had to steal one of your dad's dirty magazines.

You had to over here a couple of fucking drunks talking, just somehow put it together, what exactly went down. So this is one, this poor bastard, fucking drinks a goddamn fifth at whiskey and he can't get it up and now he's wondering if he's gay or not. You're fine, sir. You are fine.

You just, you had too much booze and it, yeah. It turns off the valve. That's all I could tell you. Yeah, so next time, don't drink, you know what to do. You looked it up, you're fine. Don't worry about it. I've had it happen to me.

Probably, Jesus Christ, at least a half a dozen to a dozen. I'm an old man. It's happened to me a lot. To the point, it doesn't even embarrass me. I just go, I had too much to drink. All right, sweetie.

You know, that's one of the great things about getting old is you just don't give a fuck anymore about a lot of shit that you used to gave a shit about. Now all you give a shit about is your health. As long as, you know, you're not dying, you know, and you're not a fat fuck, you're pretty much

you're happy with yourself, but other than that, like, hey, you know what, old Hank is not, he doesn't feel like playing tonight. So, well, what am I supposed to do? Ah, think of yourself. I don't give a shit. Take a hike. God, you're so mean. I know. I know.

All right, advice. Bill, I need some help. I'm a 25-year-old dude from Josie. I've been with my girlfriend for six and a half years. I asked her to marry me in April, and she said, yes, great, right? Not so fast. Not so fast, hey?

She's a special ed teacher, and she was having a tough time getting a full-time job. She took an interview in Virginia right outside of D.C., and surprise, surprise, she got it. She took the job and is living with a friend down there. It kind of blows me... which kind of...it, oh, it kind of blows.

Um, I thought you were going to say it kind of blows me away, and then I realized he wasn't going to say that. I just said it kind of blows me. What am I, Bepis and Butthead? Um, it kind of blows. We only see each other on the weekend. I'm currently at

a paralegal firm in New York City, and was considering law school, but I've started to... But I started in lean toward... I've started to lean towards not going... not going, seeing how lawyers are miserable douches. Uh, they're not all miserable douches.

You could actually be an honest lawyer, you know? And then you could save a water supply, and then Julia Roberts could play you in a movie, you know? Uh, anyways, because I'm not really a career guy, but I don't want to start over a new place.

Uh, we talk about moving there, but I don't want to leave because I'm a northeast elitist. But she's also talking about moving back after a year, which would be next September. What should I do? Should I move to the fucking Confederacy? I'll stick it out and see if she's going to move back.

By the way, the one podcast she heard that she loved was the Rose Bowl one. And to this day, she still says, Come on T.C.U., let's go frogs! Um... Oh, she sounds like a cool girl. She's got a sense of humor.

Alright, let's back up here. Alright. First of all, sir, you're a paralegal. You say you think about going to law school, but all lawyers are miserable douches. Um... Well, you are working with them.

So maybe that is what you're thinking. I'm guessing there might be... Are you overwhelmed by going to law school and having to pass the bar? You know, I had a friend of mine who had to go through that shit. He treated it like a job. He took a month off from work

in eight hours a day. Took a lunch break, the whole thing. Eight hours a fucking day. He studied and he passed it the first time. And I remember just being absolutely in awe of the entire fucking process. Um... But anyways, you say I'm not really a career guy.

I don't know what your deal is, dude. You need to get fucking motivated. If you were more of a career guy, maybe your girl... I'm not trying to be a dick here. Maybe your girl wouldn't have to go down to Virginia and go and snatch up a fucking job. Um... I think if you want to prevent her from fucking going down there,

I would try and, uh, light a fire under your ass and get your career going so that you can start a family up in your, um, northeast elite area. And as far as moving down to Virginia,

um, it sounds like you don't want to do that. And she's hitting you with the classic, well, it's just for a year. And we're going to move back next... next September. Well, when next September comes along, if you're still floundering,

guess where you're going to be living the following September? That's telling me. So, I would, uh, like I said, light a fire under your ass, get your fucking career going, and, uh, because right now, it doesn't seem like you really have anything to leave other than you like the hoagies where you're living.

You know? And, uh, I don't know what's going to happen in your life, it's your life, sir, but I got to tell you this, if you do not want to live in Virginia but you decide to go down there, you have to tell her 90 fucking times before you go down there.

This is just for a year. I am leaving, no matter what, next September. Because I can guarantee you, I can guarantee you that there is a major chance she's going to go down there and possibly like it. The winners are milder, you get more banged for your buck down here.

I really like collard greens, you know? Ha, ha, ha. You should read one book on Stonewall Jackson, a fucking sympathizer, right? Yeah, I mean, you're really leaving a lot up to chance, but, um, look, you're a man, you can't have a baby.

The one thing that you do is you provide and you defend the fucking homestead. So, you got to start providing. You start providing, you're not going to end up in these situations. So, figure out what the fuck you want to do, go full force into it, um, and then I think

you'll have a leg to stand on, right? Because right now, I don't think you do. I don't think you do, but good luck with that. That's a tough situation. Alright, moving on. Hiya Bill from Finland. I'm a bit behind in the M.M. Podcast. Just listening,

heard your early July in which you wanted to hear if there are any Finland people who listen. Well, I do. I just bought two tickets to the August 21st show. Now, what the fuck did I put this one in here? Not sure if you count me as Finnish listener. I'm from Vancouver

and lived here for 14 years, but I promised to bring a fin with me. Don't bother bringing any Canuck jokes with you, though. I'm a Flyers fan. I think I copied and pasted the wrong thing. It was really nothing for me to talk about there, was there? Now look at me. Now look at me. The podcast

has ground to a screeching halt. 36 minutes in. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm going to make a new rule. I'm not doing a podcast on a day when I have to stand up on a late night talk show. Alright, overrated, underrated for this week.

Let's try and find out where that is. Oh, you motherfucker. Alright, underrated. Quiet, innocent looking girls. They are all wild whores in bed. Is that true? He wrote wild W-H-I-L-D.

Wild whores in bed. You know something? I always went with the whores. I went with the sure thing. That's so underrated. Quiet, innocent looking girls. They're all wild whores in bed. Overrated, hot tan, blondes. They just lay there

like a fish, no fun. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And you know something that's really not even their fault? Girls who are just like born fucking hot and they're not embarrassed by their hotness so they don't try and hide it.

They just float through that first third of their life until they start to get the fucking crows feet. Then it ends in an ugly goddamn way. Um, but you know, it's really the way guys treat them.

Like if you see a beautiful woman and she's a cunt, why do you think she's that way? Because she came out of the womb as a cunt? Or because she's been treated with this privilege by every other guy out there? Especially when you're young and the only formula you have for getting laid is be nice to it.

Maybe it'll touch me. You know? They're just like, uh, I don't know. You know something, Jesus Christ? You would be the fucking man if you actually gave her shit. That's a very dangerous thing to do. It's a mean thing to do to somebody, but...

I don't know. I already told that story. I know I told that story before, but who gives a fuck? I'm gonna have to repeat a couple of stories. I'm on my 5,000 fucking episode here. I told you that time I hooked up with that girl. She was like a 22-year-old. We were doing it doggy style, you know? As I move forward, she's supposed to back into me.

As I pull back, she moves away. We just sort of clang together, like fucking, uh, that ACDC video where they got the balls slamming together. She basically, as I move forward, she move forward, as I move back, she move back. So we were basically just rocking back and forth

with one another. That can happen. She was also a beautiful girl. Um, anyways, plumbing ahead. Uh, overrated. Back to school commercials. You're trying to enjoy your last few weeks or the last month of your summer, and then the commercials come on.

Just rub it in your fucking face. You might as well have a bunch of adults come on. The commercial just laughing and pointing at you, saying, ah, you're going back to fucking school, bitch. It's one commercial... There's one commercial I saw with these animated pieces of shit serial

counting down from five and yelling, happy school year. Even though I'm not in school anymore, I know how these kids feel when I see the commercials, and I still hate them. Dude, that's fucking awesome. I gotta go with... I gotta totally agree with that.

I remember... First of all, you remember how long summer vacation seemed when you were a kid? Because two months of your life was such a huge portion of your life. And I remember, uh, like, one of my brothers joked about that. Like, from second to third grade,

like, he went back... Over that summer vacation, he came back from third grade and he said for, like, the first... like, 30 seconds, he forgot how to write. He could... Because he just learned it in the last year of his life.

How to, you know, write the alphabet and shit like that. Maybe it was second grade. I don't know why. He just grabbed the pencil. He was just sort of staring at the paper. Like, that's how long summer vacation seemed. And I remember... Back then...

Now they do it like the end of July, but they used to do it like mid... Mid-August. They would start doing those back-to-school fucking commercials. And it was such a goddamn buzzkill. Um, the only exciting thing was that you were gonna get some new toughskins

and a new pair of sneakers that were gonna last you for the whole fucking year. And, uh... I would love to see what a parent's overhead was back then. You know? Like a big family like mine, you know? I bet the amount of money that you could spend on a half-dozen kids

in the 70s is not equivalent to what you would spend on one-and-a-half kids nowadays. iPods, iPads, fucking laptops, cell phones. It's just... It's unfucking believable.

It's sending these kids back like goddamn Captain Kirk now. I'd get, like, two new pairs of pants to go with the other ones that I had from the year before, and then I'd get... No, I'd get hand-me-downs.

I'd get the hand-me-downs shirts and pants and that type of thing, and then I'd, uh... I'd get a new pair of sneakers, and that lasted the whole fucking year. What was it? I remember there was a couple of kids who would get new pairs of sneakers

halfway through the year, and they were considered the rich kids. Ah, these fucking kids. I sound like an old man. How do you catch it? I spoiled today. Alright, uh... Overrated. Jogging.

For short people like me, I already hate exercising, but I do it every other week. Uh, I used to jog, but it tires me out after 10 minutes, and I don't really get anywhere when I jog because of my short legs. But I see these tall people jogging, and they love it.

I have a few tall friends, and they say, oh, no, I don't see the problem. I love jogging, and I tell them to go fuck themselves, and I no longer jog. Just go to the gym and call it a day. Yeah, short people. You got a tough thing there. You know, when you're short,

the burgers got nowhere to go. You know? I just noticed this, though. The tall people, they die sooner. Provided you keep yourself in shape. You know, when you really think about it? Think about that shit. It's always a little old lady, right?

A little old man. When was the last time you saw a 6'10", 90-year-old guy? Have you ever seen that? You don't. You know why? It's because the amount of work it takes for the heart to have to pump the blood all the way down to their extremities.

He told me that. I never went to medical school, so I took his word for it. You never see that? You never see any fat old men? When was the last time you saw an 87-year-old tub of shit? Ha, ha, ha, ha. Just fucking...

You know, with a reinforced walker waddling her fucking way into a KFC. I hate that KFC. Kentucky Fried Chicken. That shit is fucking evil, unless it's cold. It's cold, it's an angel. You have that shit when it's hot.

I swear to God, I want to kill myself. That grease, I don't know what it is. I don't know where the grease goes, but if you cool it down, my stomach can handle it. I can eat cold Kentucky Fried Chicken all goddamn day. And, uh... But you give me a two-piece that they have heated up.

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. That fucking stuff is horrific. Um, by the way, if you can eat Kentucky Fried Chicken without getting sick, that's a good barometer of how young you are. Um, enjoy it. Enjoy it while it lasts,

because there's gonna be a day you're gonna be like me and you're gonna try to eat that shit one day and, uh, it's gonna come out both ends. All right, there you go. Nice bodily fluid joke as I limp my way into the final 15 minutes of this podcast. But anyways, we're plowing forward here.

Um, I actually just hit pause there because I had to run over and get my cell phone. I kind of cheated right there. But I didn't, because I owned up to it, right? Doesn't that make it okay? Throwing myself on the mercy of the podcast court here. Uh, let's do another advice thing here. Uh, Mr. Burr,

my bro who I just donated a kidney to, turned me onto your podcast for straight-up women advice. All right, two things. Number one, take my advice, but at your own fucking risk. All right?

Because I am a psychopath. And number two, uh, donating a kidney, that's just fucking unbelievable to me. That is something I will never do. Unless it's an immediate family member and there's nobody else. There's no one else to go to.

And if I find out that I'm a match, I'm gonna be pissed. All right? I can't, but the people who do that are fucking amazing. There's no fucking way I would do that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry your kidneys suck. Okay?

I want both of mine. I think there's a reason I was born with two. Okay? I want the backup. It's like the F-250 camper special, right? It's got dual gas tanks. You run out of gas in one, you flip the switch, here we go.

We're good for another couple hundred miles. I don't want to do that. Start taking fucking parts out of me. God bless you. Dude, that's unbelievable. You're a saint. Do you realize what you can get away with in life now and still make it to heaven if that bullshit is true? Oh gee.

Jesus didn't even do that. He didn't give up a kidney, did he? The fuck did he ever do? You know? Nothing. I'm just trying to stir up the Jesus. He gave up his life. He died for you. I wasn't born yet. That's impossible.

I'm not born. We're going to get going on this shit again. How the fuck that I can, before I'm even born, I'm already in sin. I'm born with original sin. Oh my god, you fucking children. How you can't see that pimp game that they're playing on you

that immediately they knock you off balance and you start feeling that there's something wrong with you and you can only be saved by going through these cunts and giving them money. How the fuck you can't see through the fuck you can't see the trees through the forest? Well, the forest through the trees,

however the fuck you say that expression is fucking beyond me. I'm not saying there's not a higher power. Okay? But these fucking people that they're guessing they're scaring the shit out of you. If they knew if they knew

there would be no fear there would be no fear if they knew if they knew emphatically that there was a fucking afterlife and everything was going to be okay they wouldn't be using fear

they'd be happier they'd be much more chill the service would be chill it would be listen everything's going to be okay that's what it would be it would be there's a guy and he's fucking mad at you

it wouldn't be any of that just think about that what if right now you knew that you were going to die someday but you already knew you were going to go to this paradise forever wouldn't that remove

just about all of the stress of life you know you might even offer yourself to just go there sooner cashing all your fucking vacation days wouldn't you wouldn't you I don't know

I really don't want to get off on that fucking shit you guys know my opinions on it all these fucking maniacs you see that shit out Mo-Mar Gaddafi is finally getting the removed from power those rebels have taken over the city

and this is what happens every time they're going to take over the city everybody's happy everybody's happy everybody's hugging each other and then what's going to happen it's going to be a good 2-3 days and then they're all going to fight with each other

because everybody's going to go after the fucking power and then the only way that they're going to be able to fucking keep power and then the major change is they're going to have to be as oppressive if not more oppressive than the fucking guy they removed it's fucking human beings are the worst

and alright let's plow ahead here so anyways I was twisting myself up in an emotional knot over this smoking hot chick that was messing with my mind and my bro said dude are you a surfer the way you're writing this

dude just listen to bill burr's podcast alright so here we go so I did and now I'm writing you the woman in question is a 5 foot 10 inch brazilian brunette let me just stop for a second and congratulate you jesus christ

congratulations sir um anyway 5 foot 10 inch brazilian brunette god bless you who I fucked a couple of dozen times god bless you two times has she's come in and out of my life and fucked with my head

fucked with your head you you fucked her 20 24 times how is she fucking with your head sir he says she's sweet talking me to death but never putting out again her excuse was always I have intimacy issues

please be patient with me oh jeez um I always get text message ok right there my gut is telling me that in the beginning during those two dozen times when she when you fucked her she didn't give a shit about you but sometime between

fuck number 20 and 24 she started to develop feelings for you which freaked her out which is why for some reason now she can't have sex with you ah jeez dude I think you got a nut job here um I always get text messages from her about how much she loves and misses me but when we try to hook up

she cancels at the last minute or end up leaving with blue balls in a hug I'm a tall good looking guy but I was getting hung up on this girl believing her words and thinking we would hook up again soon enough always she visited anyway she visited me at the hospital after I donated

a kidney to my bro um is this Keanu Reeves um which I thought was cool so after I released I am released and recovering at home I decided to uh to thank her oh to send her a thank you note and some flowers for visiting

you know to show my appreciation and perhaps butter her up a bit I didn't know her exact address so I googled her name nothing so then I googled her phone number thinking her address will come up nope instead an ad pops up with a picture of her in sexy lingerie

turns out she's a fucking escort boom boom boom boom um I fell into a funk because here's this hot chick constantly she loves me and misses me telling me she has intimacy issues

and for me to be patient and I found out find out she's fucking and sucking total strangers in New York City for the money yeah that's intimacy issues there's no emotional connection with those other people uh he's which is what in the beginning she didn't have with you

which is why she was fucking your brains out then all of a sudden she developed feelings for you started to like you you know dude you donated a kidney because your friend was in need in my world you're a hell of a guy according to you you're a good looking guy you're a good looking guy who isn't

vain enough who actually gives up his own fucking kidney alright and is confident enough to talk shit to a 5 foot 10 inch brazilian fucking beauty alright there's a lot there for her to like so she started to like you and she freaked out

so uh yeah for some reason she's afraid of that type of shit and uh and I'm not even getting involved in the whole fucking escort thing but anyways let's um let's plow ahead here she says uh I haven't told her yet

that I know but she keeps texting me the same old I love you and miss you messages I'm like what the fuck my ego's taking a huge hit here I was really falling for this chick now I am pissed that I've wasted so much time with her part of me wants to just walk away and ignore her part of me wants to

confront her about it not attack her for her choice or profession uh but to get some sort of answer of why she stung me like that yeah dude you're just a good guy you don't ate in your kidney you're not gonna call her a whore you're not gonna make her feel bad about her choice of profession I can just

tell you this dudes like somebody who does that for a living had a horrific childhood she probably got molested something fucking really bad happened to her and it's sad and uh then she goes out and she becomes an escort and then other dirt bags who got hurt

as kids then they take out their childhood on her in the bedroom every night it's why it's such a fucking dirty awful goddamn business and uh but you know what it's not your fault sir and it's time for you stop to stop being such a giver

you already gave up a goddamn kidney you're already giving enough that you're not gonna fucking trash this girl for being you know in the awful situation that she's in that she's an escort why don't you do something for yourself you know

you gotta be selfish at some point in your life if you're gonna be selfish picking who is the person you're gonna spend your life with that's the time to do it alright and I feel bad for her whatever happened to her but she needs to work that shit out and uh you know

I think you've done enough for others in your life sir how about you do something for yourself what on a limb here I'm gonna say that a escort is not probably gonna be the mother of your children you know and don't fall into this shit that you're gonna rescue this person because you can't

she has to fucking do it herself and she's not there yet and uh you got one life to leave you already gave up a kidney you you you done you could drive a fucking SUV into a fucking goddamn

baby rabbits and you're still good start doing donuts on their little cute heads but actually this is why I have no women listeners oh my god it's such a bad image um yeah fuck that alright now

knowing you you're gonna want to let this girl down easy for some fucking reason and uh I don't know that's that's up to you if you want to do it but just don't get sucked back into a relationship okay because that girl uh she needs to go to therapy

and she needs to go when she's fucking ready to go and that's all on her you do not need to deal with that shit alright you said you're a good looking guy go find go find another fucking 5 foot 10 inch fucking beauty who isn't an escort who doesn't have intimacy issues

you know that's it that's all I got for you alright that's the podcast for this week came in just under an hour I gotta go monkey suit and go fucking tell jokes to middle America um that is it ah Jesus Christ did I have the levels wrong the entire

time why is that fucking so high oh Jesus alright go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week Ikea