Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-22-16

Episode Date: August 22, 2016

Bill rambles about missing UFC 202, lewd behavior and WrestleMania.

Hey, what's going on? What's going on, Jim? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, August 22nd, 2016. What's going on? Why? What's going on with the asses on these fucking divers? What? You got it on fucking TV? I'm supposed to ignore that. There's no reason the suits have to be cut like that. So obviously, I mean, they want to show their asses. Maybe it creates less of a splash. If the bottom of your bathing suit is up over your ass cheek, I have no idea. Is this synchronized diving? Did I ever tell you how much I don't like synchronized shit, Nia? Synchronized swimming is both unbelievably difficult and the stupidest fucking thing human beings engage in. Huh? When they come up out of the water and they do the dumb shit and they got the

song playing, is that athletic? Sure. I mean, yeah, I mean, then dancing is athletic, which I would agree with, but it's not a sport. Dancing in the water. It's dancing in the water. You're in the water. The Olympic Committee has a sign that it's a sport. Yeah, but they've also gotten rid of like baseball and shit. You know, they've taken actual sports and they've been like, yeah, no. But then all of a sudden you show up and you and your friend get in the water and you're like five, six, seven, eight, Charleston, Charleston, right? And all of a sudden that's a sport. You can have your fucking headphones off for this whole thing. You're not on the podcast. So you're not participating. So all those other times when you wanted to participate, you want to talk Conor McGregor

and Nate Diaz? We both didn't see it. You know why? Because we try to be honest when it comes to downloading shit. We were here say night, the fucking fight didn't first of all didn't come on to like four in the morning or something early time, three in the morning. And I actually searched how to legally watch the UFC on the internet. And for the life of me, I couldn't find a place. God knows there was 58 websites telling me how to do it illegally. I couldn't do that, right? What kind of an asshole would I be shitting on people for downloading my specials for free? And then I watched Conor McGregor versus Nate Diaz for free. So I've taped the fight, but of course I went online and I had to find out who won. So congratulations to Conor McGregor and Nate Diaz

because I heard it was one of the one of the best UFC fights ever. Five fucking rounds. And this is the conspiracy theorist and theorist in me. You knew that if it was going to the judges, Conor McGregor was going to win. Okay. And I'm not shitting on Conor. I'm not shitting on Nate. I'm just saying at the end of the fucking day, all right, UFC is show business. All right. And there's no fucking way that after you made back to the future part one and back to the future part two, and you see the ticket sales, you know everybody's going to pay a ticket to back to the future part three. However, nobody's going to fucking watch it if McFly wins the first fucking two times. Although we did. Hey, Nia, did Marty McFly win the first? They all have happy endings,

right? There's no Empire Strikes Back in the back to the future. Nia? Nia? Take off your headphones. If you've got to be in the room, I'm going to interact with you. Yes. Marty McFly wins all of the back to the futures, right? There's no Empire Strikes Back one where the hello McFly guy, the guy who knocks on his head comes back. No, does he ever win one? No. To justify part three? I don't know. Was that the one that was the Western? Yeah. All I'm saying is Nia, you knew, okay, if it went to the judges, they got to give it to Conor McGregor so they can justify fucking part three because if Nate wins the first two, what the fuck? Then Conor fights him again and then goes one and two. Nate still wins two out of three, right? Sure, yeah, exactly. Well,

there you go. So you agree with me every once in a while? Yeah. Oh, Jesus. What does that have to do in the back to the future? As far as like, if I was watching the fight and it went to the cards, it went to the judges, I'm sorry. Okay, and it was going to be a decision. You have to think that they're going to give it to Conor so then it's one to one so then they can fucking make more money on part three, right? You know what I mean? Yeah, all right. I'm not, I'm being a douche right now because I didn't see the fight. I'm not trying to take anything away from Conor McGregor. How great was that press conference, by the way? Did you watch it? No. I love the press conference. First of all, Nate Diaz, one of the great fucking people ever in a press conference. I love that

dude does not suffer fools. If you don't fight for a fucking living and you ask a dumb question, he's not going to energy his way through it. He's just going to let the question fucking die. Like, when they ask those dumb questions going like, you know, we've been hearing things that Conor's said, Conor's going to be trying to keep it standing up. What do you think about that? Pauses and goes, well, you know, we'll, we'll see when the fight happens. And then that's it. I love that he does that to people. And I also hate the fact that was talking to us about the other night that people think Nate Diaz, there's like something wrong with him or that he's dumb or anything like that, like that you could achieve, you could become a champion and be stupid. And

people think it's all like fucking natural ability. You know what we're doing here? I'm going to stop talking to you because I can clearly see you're looking at me. You just put your sunglasses on. It's the last day of our vacation. You want to go outside? All right, I'll see you later. He also, he also got busted smoking weed through a vaporizer or some shit. It isn't after he just went through all the that level of physical trauma. You know what I mean? That's probably the best thing he could have done, right? All right. Do you need any help with that, Nia? Opening the door there, because if you're going to leave, I'd appreciate if you do it now. Oh Jesus, there you go.

Yeah, you got to watch out for the, for the curtain rod there. Remember when you hit you on the head, you bawled your fist up at it in a threatening manner? Because I felt like somebody hit me with a club. That's how I felt the other night. Oh, oh my God. The other night. Let's stay focused here. So, Jesus, Nia. All these people that think Nate Diaz is dumb, you think, I love them. Talk about how I hit my head and you laughed at me. After I get done saying that Nate Diaz is not fucking dumb. I hate people keep saying that. The guy is fucking hilarious. He's one of the greatest fighters of all fucking time. You don't

become a champion. Just, you know what it is, Nia? There's two types of smart, okay? You got like book smart, which is respected. And then you got other people that are that fucking tap into the matrix and they can feel vibes and they have instinct and all that and those fucking nerds who write all the newspapers, who are the journalists, those unathletic cunts, they're the ones who sit there. They can't read anybody. They'll walk up to a fucking serial killer and have no idea. They're about ready to get the whole fucking right there for and get thrown into a trunk, right? I know. That killed me. That was that. Yeah. All my life, I've seen amazing champions get labeled as that by fucking nerds who would strike

out playing fucking kickball because they don't understand. They don't understand. They just don't fucking get it. You know what I mean? I swear to God, this is why I respect all professional fighters. As I've said this before, you could literally tell a toddler what punch to throw at me. You could then tell me what punch the toddler was going to throw at me and I still couldn't slip it. I still, I don't get where you look. I don't know how the fuck you tell it's coming. The hand is quicker than the eye. My head is the size of a Macy's Day fucking float. I get hit every fucking time, every fucking time. I remember growing up like they used to think Ricky Henderson was dumb because he had a couple of crazy fucking stories. He spoke about himself

in the third person. Oh, by the way, he had more leadoff home runs than anybody in the history of baseball, more stolen bases than anybody in the history of the baseball, the baseball of baseball. Sorry, I had a couple of fucking drinks already today. To the ability to lead off a first at a professional level, read the picture, figure out his quirks, his tell, his timing, whatever, and decide when he's going to the plate, when he isn't with the national audience, millions of people are watching during a fucking World Series to think that somebody can do that. And they just think like, oh, it's just instinct. He's just born that way. Like it's the same way people look at fucking,

I don't know, anything they don't understand. They just try to overly simplify it. I fucking loved the press conference that Nate Diaz had and that Conor McGregor had. Both of their styles, Conor McGregor, obviously showing up late on purpose, trying to do some psych out thing. And then Nate's like, all right, you're going to show up late. I'm going to leave early. I already answered my questions, go fuck yourselves. Then they start throwing bottles of water at each other. All that was doing was selling the last fucking whatever fucking 10 million pay per views that they needed. It was perfect. Both of them did a great fucking job. I'm going to actually going to watch it when I get back on, I fly back tomorrow. It's the end of the vacation.

I can't wait to watch it. But I'm actually, this vacation has been so fucking amazing, but I'm ready to go back. I was ready to go back two days ago. There is a point when you're on vacation where you got to take off the Mickey Mouse ears and be like, all right, I need to function as a fucking human, a productive human being again. I gotta tell you, man, the greatest fucking time I've had in a while. The Amalfi Coast, I'm telling you, it's touristy as shit. It's fucking, there's a lot of bad food for Italy here because it's so fucking touristy. But if you go on the internet, you talk to some people, you find the good places. But I have to tell you, as far as scenery goes, it doesn't even look real. And the other day,

we took a boat out to the island of Capri. And I don't know, they pulled the boat over, they let us swim in the Mediterranean. Obviously something I'm terrified to do because I'm afraid of sharks. But I finally believed them that there was no sharks. I had my swimming goggles every five seconds. I would look underneath to see if there was a shark there. As if I saw one, I could somehow out swim it. That's the part of swimming in a sea or an ocean that I cannot handle. It's my head above the water, not seeing what the fuck is coming at me. I reserve the right to at least see the shark coming at me so I can just scream underwater, fuck. Maybe give it a little bit of a fucking fist bump, something to its fucking nose, whatever the hell you're supposed to do.

Maybe feed it one arm as I come over the top and smash it with another. I always felt like that's the move. If an attack dog is coming at you, you feed the arm, whatever arm you don't jerk off with and right with, you feed them that arm. Just shove it right back into its fucking molars and then you come over the top, you slam down on its neck as you fucking lift up its head and you snap its fucking neck. It's just an idea, people. I don't pretend to understand things. Speaking of physical harm, the lovely Nia. Last night, she bent down to get something out of her bag and there's this little fucking ledge above it that she can stick a couple of glasses in a bottle of water. She was underneath it, bent down, came up full speed and the corner of it hit the fucking top of her head

right on the corner of it, like brutally hard. And I gotta tell you, I feel bad that she's not part of this fucking little story here. See if I'll bring her in because I failed miserably as a human being. Nia, do you want to be in on this story of you hitting your head? Okay. Okay. I'm setting it up now. So anyway, she fucking hits her head like fucking bam. All right. Sounded like somebody dropped a suitcase on the floor. And then I swear to God, she hit her head, she goes, ah, she grabbed her head and then I swear to God, she just started crying like a goddamn toddler. And I have to be honest with you, I didn't know what the fuck to do. I just got to the point Nia, where you hit your head and you started crying like a toddler. Because that's what it reminded me of. It's like when a

little kid, like an adult hits their, you know, stubs their toe, hits their foot, it's goddamn motherfucker and you blame your whole family. Yeah, living room. You know, that's what you do. Mm-hmm. You started crying. I did. It was really painful. Like balling. Yeah. And I was kind of surprised at myself. On a scale of one to five, five being the best. Five. How would you, no, no, how would you rate my reaction to it? Oh, zero. Wait, I went in and I got you some tissues. This is what Bill did. I didn't know what to do. I hit my head. Boom. I was shocked at it first because it really did feel like someone had just come up and just walt me on the noggin. So I was shocked. Then the pain started

kicking in and like it was really, like it was like that little, it was, it was that corner of that ledge. And it went right into my scalp. And I didn't know if I was bleeding or what. And I, I think, yeah, normally I'd be like, like most people, but it's just, I don't know what happened. Just the floodgates opened and it felt better to cry than to pretend like it was just like, oh, like a nuisance. Like it really, really hurt. So Bill's like, oh no. Are you okay? So we're good. So what else was I supposed to do? So we're good so far with that. Okay. So I'm just sitting there crying and he goes, oh, oh, oh, oh. And he runs into the bathroom. He doesn't even give me a tissue, like a proper clean. I couldn't

find any. He gets me toilet paper. Okay. If there is a choice between tissue paper and toilet paper to comfort someone, please find the Kleenex. Okay. It's softer. It's just, you know, it's just, it's a little thing, but it makes a big difference. It's a cut above. So then he starts wiping my face with the toilet paper. And he's rubbing it on my face. I don't know. When he's wiping my chin, he's doing like this U shape from my eye to the other eye using my chin. That's like, go between. It wasn't that bad. Rubbing this fucking one ply of toilet paper back and forth across my chin. And he's going big tears, big tears. They were huge. And it's like, I never seen anybody cry

tears like that. What is that supposed to mean? Was it big tears, big tears? It wasn't like, oh, baby, you know, it was, he was just scraping my face with this toilet paper going big tears, big tears. I gotta be honest with you. It was fucking, it freaked me out. It was the worst moment of comforting you've ever offered in your life. You were at a complete loss for what to do. Because it was like you stopped being like a woman and you became like this two year old. And it was just like, boom, you're just like, I didn't know what to do. If we were at home, I would have got you a popsicle or something. Oh, and then you said, do you want some water? What the fuck does water have to do with anything right now? That's what my parents always did.

If you hurt yourself and you cry, they went and they got your water right out of the tap. And then you sat down and then your face was all dry and salty. And they said, all right, come back outside again. That's it. I spent most of my childhood outside. That's what parents did. All right, get outside. All right, you kids, you're driving me nuts. Get outside. And you sent them outside. That's what you wanted to do with me in that moment. You wanted to send me away. So you wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I just wanted you to stop fucking crying. I don't mean that in a bad way, but it's just like to see another adult. Nia, can you imagine if I ever hit my fucking head and started crying the way you did? I mean, what would you know? What would

be coming out of your mouth? I don't know. I'd be like, come here, baby. And I'd hold you to my chest or whatever. And I'd rub your back. You're full of shit. If I fucking hit my head instead of crying like a little girl. Was it really that like? It was like a little, it was like a little, I'm fucking stammering here. You're stammering, jackass. Yeah, I've known you for 12 years. I've never seen you. I've seen you like. You see me cry before. A couple of times in the kitchen, you fucking, you cut yourself with a knife and even then you didn't cry as much. That was like, you know, you had a balloon in the thing, went off your wrist and float it up in the air. There was just no comforting you. It was, yeah, I admit, I'll admit, not only did I drop the ball

in that moment, it's been 24 hours and I still don't have a better approach. It was so fucking bizarre. Don't ever do that again, Neil. All right. What do you think? The thing is, the really sort of horrible thing about it, the biggest injustice of it all, the fact that you weren't able to comfort me is that I was trying to plug in your fucking computer. Isn't that amazing? Isn't it amazing? I knew somehow it would come back to me and it'd be my fault that your dumb ass ducked underneath a ledge and then lifted your head up. Rick Flair wouldn't have done it that hard to sell a fucking move. I didn't realize it was there. I was plugging in your computer and you had the audacity to be the worst comforting person in that moment ever,

scratching my face with that one-ply toilet paper while saying big tears, big tears, which is like, what does that even mean? It's like I was out in the outfield a little bit again, no batter, no batter, big tears, big tears. He just kept saying big tears over and over again. What did that mean? You were just commenting on it. I didn't know what to do. I mean, you were crying at a fucking level like, I mean, I've been at funerals and seen people cry less than what the fuck you were doing. I didn't know what to do, okay? I'm sorry. You caught me off guard. Well, tell me what am I supposed to say? Just give me a fucking blueprint. You're just supposed to like, you know, take me into your arms and like hold me and like, you know, rub my back or something.

That sounds like a commercial for one of those love songs like Time Life Presents. It doesn't seem like a real thing that people do to each other. Well, I'm telling you, that's what I would like. You asked me, so I'm telling you what I would like. I'd like your sunglasses to not be so big. How about that? I'm traveling Jackie O on this trip. Jackie O, Jesus. Okay. As my part of the podcast, I'm going back outside. Oh, can we talk about the lady at the airport? What lady? The fucking lady at the union meeting for the lady pilots. The New York Times. Article. Article about the lady pilots. The ladies, we had zero fights, 10 days, high five. High five. High five. Right? Zero fucking fights. We had one moment. Yeah. We're down at the fucking

pool. Okay. Obviously, one of us wants to be there. One of us doesn't. Take a guess. Who doesn't want to be in the blazing fucking sun? Me. So I'm down there. Everybody is all concerned. All these beautiful olive skinned people running around trying to find enough umbrellas to cover my body. That's white like the mozzarella, right? Like the mozzarella. Like the burrata. The burrata. Sweaty like the burrata. So she hands me this abridged version of the New York Times. And I read this thing and it's about pilots. So I was like, I got to see what's going on here. This is interesting to me. And it was about how all these very few female pilots and not only the very few of them, when they get pregnant, there is just this completely archaic

system involved to try and help them during that time when they're having a kid. And part of it had to do with using that breast pump. So if they want to breastfeed their kid naturally, which is totally the way to go, I would think the way God made you. I don't know if they didn't have the time or whatever. So I'm reading this fucking article. So in protest. Wait a second. So this is really quickly. So the thing is, yeah, you breastfeed a kid. Some people breastfeed for, you know, ridiculous amounts of time. But as far as how old the kid gets. Yeah. Cause some people do up to like four and all this other crazy stuff that's all like people debate about. But the typical thing from what I understand is that you breastfeed them on the breast till about six months. And then

six months you wean them off the breast and you give them the bottle. But you still want to give them breast milk, right? So you got to use that breast pump, the apparatus to get the milk out. Because if you don't, your breasts become engorged. It's really painful. You're leaking all over the place, et cetera. So the idea is that, you know, these female pilots have had children, they're going back to work, but they still want to give their kids breast milk, but they need time approximately 20 minutes to pump. Right. And so what they're fighting for is the time and the resources and the time off and all of that stuff. Or is it time off or just away so that they can, I'm not exactly sure. Right. Whatever. We were both in the sun, but

reading this article. So that's the whole point. So this, of course, the upper management is not listening because they're also in the meantime, from what I've read on websites, are beginning to cut corners in the airline safety and having these weird fucking flight plans to try to get the planes there quicker, to maybe have a few more flights or whatever, save a little bit of fuel. And the pilots are starting to be like, you know, one guy in particular, and you know, you're fucking with your career, wrote a letter saying that they were doing that. And of course, the corporation gave their basic fucking response. So anyways, not only are they not listening to the ladies, they're not even listening to, according to some pilots, you know, the basic safety rules of the FAA, right.

So anyway, so this woman has a problem and she wants to protest, you know, their treatment of female pilots, particularly pregnant female pilots, nursing, nursing. So they're at a fucking meeting in some conference room and the woman takes her breast out and hooks up the pump to it and starts pumping breast milk out of her fucking breast in front of everybody there. And they say that the guys shifted uncomfortably and stared at the floor. And the way they presented it was like there was something wrong with that behavior by the guys. I mean, that's fucking insane. She just took a body part out. You're not supposed it wasn't our elbow. It was a breast. And she starts pumping milk out of it. She really did. I can't remember that part. Like she just I thought she just took it out and

was like, this is what a breast pump looks like fellas. And like that sort of thing. But she actually is that what happened hooked it up. I don't remember. That's a thing I don't remember. I thought they see I thought I thought she just took it out and was just like, this is what you do when you you pump breast milk people. I didn't think that she actually took it out. I didn't think I that's yeah, I don't think that she actually took it out and did the physical pumping. Alright, well, if she didn't take it out, then I don't have a problem. I think she was just demonstrating but it's but it's still made people uncomfortable because they were like, what are you doing right now? And she her whole thing was like, yeah, this is

what I got to do to feed my kid. Why don't you allow me the time and the resources to do it? No, but that's why I gotta be honest with you. Aside from being sexist, that's why corporate doesn't want to hire women is because that they don't want to deal with this. Yeah, no, they definitely they definitely don't want to deal with it. Yeah, they underpay the men. Forget about they don't want to fucking pay women and then they certainly don't have to pay for time off. And also a lot of time they're trying to get the guys to fly faster, taking unsafe fucking routes and whatnot. And like, oh, okay, I thought she took a titty out. Okay, if she didn't take it, I don't think she took her

titty at the meeting. I was sitting there going like the breast pump out. Because I was sitting there going like, I know that we're cavemen. I know that we're cavemen. And I'm like, how the fuck? It's like, I really don't think if a guy did anything like that, that would be considered what would they call a lewd and or something act. And like, if you took your balls out through your zipper, or you shook your dick at somebody, or you even moved somebody, I mean, unless you're in sales, unless you're in sales, and you're bringing in such a ridiculous amount of money, like you're not only you've done your blackballed and that interest industry. Well, that was what the fight was about, because I was looking over at you. And I was gonna be like, she took a fucking

and you immediately rolled your eyes. Like, Oh, God, here he goes again, he's going to go off on some fucking rant trash women. And you rolled your eyes. And in that moment, I was just like, I'm sorry, are we on the fucking a multi coast, and you're rolling your eyes at me. And I, you know, granted, I even had a couple of fucking Johnny walkers at me. And I fucking stormed off. And what did I do? Where did I go to you? To the gym? That's right. Where have I gone every fucking day to the gym? I go to the gym every day, unless you're giving me shit about it. What do you mean, giving you shit about it? Take a day off. Because, Bill, you know, you have a tendency to overdo things. And then you're like, Hey, my amp strings. So it's like, you just want

to go, go, go. And I'm just like, you're allowed to have a day off from working out. You just watch I got a special coming up and you can't be a fat fuck. Despite what all these fucking actresses say out there, that that's only a female thing. It may act like guys can just show up as a bloated boozeheaded fuck. You can't Oh, you can do it. But it certainly does not help your fucking career. And I hate how actresses try to act like the fucking heartthrobs aren't these chiseled guys with square jaws, full heads of hair and fucking abs. They all are people magazines, 50 famous 50 beautiful fucking people every goddamn year. It's never stayed there. We still want a couple of fatties to act like they're actually down to earth. But the end of the fucking, even then,

they make them wear like a Santa Claus suit, right? And everybody else is absolutely fucking. Now they're not putting Jonah Hill on that list or something like this. Yeah, no. This is this thing. And whenever they say a guy is is is a fat fuck, they call him he's an every man. He's an every man. He's relatable. That's what they're saying. You're a dumb fat fuck who married above. He plays the dad normally, the every man, the chubby every man plays dad on a sitcom. Yeah, dumb in his friend and his chubby. Yeah, dumb as fucking hell. So they have that fucking guy. So I don't know what so you guys can sit there and be like, Oh, there's an easy guy to manipulate. All right. And then they have the woman they give they give the guy something to fucking jerk off to.

I'm being me. Do you think I jerk off to sitcoms? I'm just saying they give him a fucking hearty from day one. That's what they did. This is what it is. I really think I always thought was adorable, though, even though he's a little chubby, Tom Bosley. Who's that? He plays Oh, from happy days. No, I was like, I always thought Kevin James kind of adorable. On King and King Queens, especially that episode where Carrie, his wife, is trying to learn how to always on the stripper. Yeah, she's trying to learn how to pull dance, you know, because she, you know, wants to be sexy and do something cool. And he ends up teaching her how to pull dance and he's great at it. Yeah, no, that guy won my heart with that episode. That's what he had to do. Yeah,

basically give an Olympic level performance. No, the fact that he was just agile. It's got that Jack Black thing where they're like a heavy guy, but they fucking can outrun anybody. And they can do like handstands and shit. Yeah, they just like a sandwich. I like that. Yeah, I think that's cool. Because it's like, you don't have to be, you don't have to look like Zach Efron to be like a physical person. I know. But at the end of the fucking day, like there's a pressure on everybody in Hollywood to be in shape. And I remember that when I watched one of those meet the parents, and there's that swimming pool scene. And remember when Ben Stiller throws, goes up to spike the ball and he hits Daenerys daughter. I remember looking at that go like Ben Stiller had

abs. He did? Yeah, comedians never had abs. Yeah, he got more in shape. The more movies he did. The more movies he did. Yeah, you got it. Because what happens is, is they pick away at you, they trash on your fucking look. I told you that how critics work is you could have the most perfect show ever. And then they'll just, they just pick it how you look. Would you ever do a shirtless scene in a movie? Yeah. You would? Yeah. What if it was like tomorrow? Would you like panic or would you just go with it? No, I do. Yeah. I do. But what you got to do is stare into it. Like Will Ferrell? Yeah, you can't go into there. If you had a belly, you can't, you can't stand there sucking it in. I would actually push it out. And then you just, then it's everything in life is if you try,

anytime you start covering up, people just sense it. It's like being a comic on stage. The second you go on your heels to crowd without even talking to one another, senses that they're in control and then the heckles come. Well, what are your, so you're working out like crazy because you're trying to prepare for your special, but like what are your goals? Like what's your, what are you doing with one of my goals? Like are you trying to? No, I, 172 is the weight I have to be with, with fucking HDTV. Oh, that's how you feel comfortable on, on camera. That's your camera, on camera weight. Yeah. There's 170, 172. That's basically it is. And everybody in Hollywood knows what fucking weight they're supposed to be. Anybody, people who make YouTube videos,

you make enough of them, you know, there's a tipping point. Right. Yeah. Or you can get away with it. Where all of a sudden, yeah, you start looking like you're walking, you're getting carried and it's not that much. Like 172 was actually underweight for me, but on camera it looks good. So you have to do that. So that's what I'm saying. Like I, I have empathy for, you know, people talking about, you know, the pressures of it, but, but my, it kind of goes out the window and it's like, well, everybody in that business is on a treadmill eating a fucking apple. Everybody fucking works out. Everybody does. You have to, you have to, because you do look bigger on camera. Yeah. And you're also, and this is the thing, the thing that, that I find fucking hilarious

about social media is like just every day, I get trashed every fucking day by somebody on Twitter or Facebook. I mean, I've been able to find the humor in it and, you know, you got to get outside of it and be like, all right, I mean, I just got eight good ones, one bad ones. I'll take that 80, 90%. Good. I'll take that. But like, and especially every once in a while, if somebody gets me with a really good one, I'm, you always hear me laugh. I read it to you. Like it's a really fucking good one. I, I got to give it up. But just, I, did I tell you that I'm very concerned about like that show that I did that's coming out next year? What's it called? I did it too. I'm concerned about things. I'm concerned about things. No, I did an episode, I did two episodes

of a TV show, a guest starring role on a Netflix show that's coming out next year. I don't know when it's coming out next year. What network is it called? It's on Netflix and it's got, it's called Santa Clarita Die and I have a small part, but I'm in two episodes and I'm very concerned about how I'm going to look weight-wise because it just kind of happened. But now that you put it out there, you just put it out there, there's people who hate their lives and are licking their chops to fucking trash it. So now they're going to watch it and be like, you remember when you said back in August 2000? No, they won't say that because then you'll understand. Like they want it, they want to be mean. They just want to be like, what the fuck, blah, blah, blah,

blah. It's what they do. I, look, yeah, you know what's funny? I don't get mad at it because I used to do that. And if I was just, I fucking trashed everything. I still do. But like when I was, when I was younger, there was no internet. But believe me, if there was an internet, I would have trashed fucking, you know, Jesus Christ. Half of those new wave bands, because I thought I was listening to the real shit and you know, half the people I was listening to with a bunch of guys were in fucking lipstick. I thought Molly Crue was better than fucking Boy George and they had the same fucking waiver backstage rider with the lip gloss and she had the same makeup artist. They of course they did. But these guys were singing about the devil. The other guy was singing

about his feelings. Although what's his face, did one time? Yeah, Molly Crue also came around, you know, you know, I'm a dreamer, but my underwear's pink. That's Vince Neil, right? Yep. Is that Tommy Lee? On piano. On piano. He played the beginning part. He played the beginning part of that. And Vince Neil had to run away high so he didn't come home low. Okay. See, his heart was like an open book for the whole world to read. All right. Who else is in that band? There's Nikki Six and there's Nick Maz. Oh yeah, okay. Those guys are super duper famous. Super duper famous and they had their last show last year. The same night I was always working in LA. They were right around the corner of the Staples Center and that was the final one ever.

They signed a contract, Nia. So if they ever come back, then they're gonna have to sue themselves. Do you understand that? No, I don't understand it either. I don't know why they signed a contract. I think it was because all those people like Cher and fucking Nipsey Russell. I forget who else. Somebody else. Nipsey Russell. They were always saying that this is the final tour. The who said a bunch of final fucking tours. Oh, they have all those farewell tours. Farewell. This is the last one. Yeah. It's a really cheesy way for some people to just get your ticket sales up. All right. I got to read this. Thank you for being on the podcast, Nia. Thank you for having me. Hey, Nia. Hey. Great vacation. Great vacation, honey. If you ever hit your head again and start

crying like a two-year-old. Just give me Kleenex, okay? That's all I ask. Don't give me toilet paper. Deal. I don't have to say anything. What do you mean you don't have to say anything? You have to come for me, jerk. Give me three things to say. Are you okay? Come here. It's gonna be all right. You cried way longer than that. Yeah. You just have to like come for me. Keep saying that? No. Are you gonna be okay? Come here. It's gonna be all right. How disconnected are you from human emotion that I have to teach you how to comfort somebody? Crying was a sign of weakness where I came from. Okay. Well, that was a long time ago. You man to fuck up. Well. Man or woman you did. You know? I don't. That was the first time I cried. All right. You know what happened, Nia? You

know what? I'm really tired of hearing about your. Slapped in the face and given a bud light. Rockwellian childhood or whatever it is that you're always describing. They stuck your head under the water of an above ground pool until they stopped seeing bubbles and then they pull you back up again. Fucking argang or whatever it is. Like you really like paint a picture like you grew up in like this hard scrabble kind of fucking environment and you didn't. You don't think so? You fell out of a tree and your parents are like, shake it off. Okay. That is what happened though, right? What? Didn't you? Was it you that fell out of a tree? No, I got hit by a car. Oh, you got hit by a car? Poor baby. And my parents sent away the ambulance because they didn't like the hospital

they were taking us to and I got in a cab and they took us to the hospital they wanted to. I remember my mother kept telling me, don't go to sleep. Don't go to sleep. Oh, no wonder. Okay. All right. Well, I get it now. No, Nia, I'm not saying I fucking grew up in a slum. I'm just saying it was different back then. It was different. All right. Well, yeah. That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying I'm a fucking badass, but like, I'm not going to apologize for having a fucked up worldview. Okay. Adults taught me this shit. So, yeah, go talk to them. I'll talk to your parents about it. Yeah. I don't know. Just anybody roughly there is. I had a bone to pick with you, Mr. Nia. Yeah, but you know something there? There was an overcorrection. Meaning what? That there's a reason

why it went from fucking walled up douches like me who only know how to go, oh, big tears, big tears. I grabbed toilet paper and make a U shaped fucking sign around your face that we went from that to those fucking hipster hoodie wearing bearded fucking pussies who act like they're 14 years old and awkward on their first fucking day. Does every generation think that they're tougher than like the next generation? Is that just what happens? I don't think I'm tougher than anybody previous to me. And I don't feel like I'm tougher than anybody like anybody now that there's so many fucking places in just the United States alone where kids grow up way tougher than I did. But what I'm doing is I'm defending the fact that I don't know what to do when an adult hits their fucking head and cries

like a two year old. Nia, I'm not trying to have some like Olympics backstory here before you watch me play ping pong or some other stupid fucking sport that nobody cares about. I gotta tell you, the ping pong is pretty cool. And I did watch the, I did watch a little bit of the volleyball. I watched the United States unfortunately lost to Italy. I did watch that. You fucking slippers allowed. I'm sorry. You guys know what I'm saying. What the fuck? God damn adult starts crying like a two year old. What are you supposed to do? Jesus Christ. Other than be like for the love of God, can you get your shit together? I felt like being like Barnes and the tune just grab Nia and be like, take the pain. All right, Dollar Shave Club. Okay, Dollar Shave Club wants to thank everybody

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and I felt their hand drying into my shirt. Is it stuck to my back? That's one of the most disgusting things that has ever happened to me. Right now, sign up for stamps.com and use my last name, Burr, for this special offer, four-week trial, plus a $110 bonus offer that includes posting in a digital scale. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in Burr. That's stamps.com, enter Burr. All right. Okay, here we go, here we go. I'm going to do the reads here for this week. All right, East Coast Road Trip. A Billy the Red Kid. I'm from Chile. Yep, it's a country. I know it's a country. It's in South America. It's on the fucking West Coast, you can't. He says, I'm not going to tell you to come and do

your show here, because nobody knows you inside of this world. All right. I have a four-year-old son and a lovely, lovely lady, and we're hoping to go on vacation to the USA next year. So, it would be great if you could tell me what city we have to see. And he says, thanks. I'm going to try to say, I'll try to translate. I can't translate this. It's thanks, Ian, a brazo, de sedi, el otro, lado del mundo. The fuck does that mean? If he insulted me, I want to know what he said. Hang on a second. I got to write this up. All right. Let me hit pause. Hang on. Jesus, it means thanks, a hug from the other side of the world. Right? Yeah, the other side of the world. That wasn't that nice. Well, I know what to suggest for adults, but you have a four-year-old son, so I got to take

that into account. I would suggest possibly Florida and doing Disney World, but they got the fucking those mosquitoes down there, but they're also in Brazil, so I don't know if they're coming, your way, I have no fucking idea. What I would do is if you want to do, don't do Disney World, I would do Disneyland. Jesus Christ, what the hell does a four-year-old want to do? All right. I'm just going to tell, I can only speak for someone who doesn't have kids. I love San Francisco, Seattle, Boston, New York. I mean, if you're going to start, I would go with one of those. Chicago. Chicago is such a great, if you want to get a vibe of the United States, get a big city vibe with people who are also fucking a little bit, that kind of

rubs in Chicago. It's sort of a weird thing. It's like it's a city, but it's still country. There's still farmland around it. You know what I mean? You see people who are in shape, you've seen people who are going to have a heart attack in about three steps. They got great fucking food. They're sports crazy. They're great people. They're overtly fucking racist. It's beautiful summers. It's ungodly cold. I mean, you get the whole fucking, you get the whole thing. The whole thing. You'll find Trump supporters and Hillary supporters and all of that fucking shit. It's right in the middle of the country. I don't know. You guys live near the water in Chile. It tries to fucking countries only like what, 30 miles wide.

If you've had enough of that, I'd go to Chicago. I guess depends on what you guys do. If you like to eat, if you're in the barbecue, I'd go down south. Don't sleep on the south. There's a bunch of great places to go to. Maybe you can build it around a sporting event. You know, some auto racing or baseball, maybe the football that's coming up. There's a bunch of things that you could do. But if you just want to go to just a really cool city with great places to eat and stuff to see, San Francisco, Seattle, Boston, New York are amazing. I don't know. Those would be mine that I would pick. All right. But no matter what, you're going to have a good time. All right. Mussolini. Hey Bill, while in Italy, did you happen to notice any Mussolini souvenirs for sale? I was in Rome a

few years ago and they seem to be in most newsstands. Bunch of fascists. Fascists. Sorry. No, actually I didn't. But I don't know. I think it's funny that Americans like to do that fascist shit. I like to say that shit too. But who's kidding who? We don't exactly have the greatest track record with our foreign policy. Certainly over the last 16 fucking years. Wouldn't you say, you know what I mean? And if you're really going to get tentacle over since we won World War II, you know, and certainly since Russia fell and there was no one really to keep us in check, we've kind of been, you know, the way corporations sort of dictate our foreign policy. We've been quite the cunts for the last at least fucking 30 years. 2026, I'd say. So yeah, I wouldn't judge anybody. Mussolini

is a part of their fucking history. If I saw a Mussoli souvenir, I'd buy one. If they had a Hitler badge, I'd fucking buy that. Just, I mean, I'm fascinated with World War II. If they had a Stalin one, I'd get that. If they had an Eisenhower one or a fucking William H. Macy. Who's the fucking guy from Winston Churchill? Yeah, I'd buy all of those. That's the Mount Rushmore World War II. And then you got to have what's his face there? Arnold from Happy Days. What's the fucking guy from Japan? He doesn't get enough love that guy. You know, he did just as much horrific shit. But the fuck was his name? Leader of Japan. Wasn't he an emperor? I mean, right there, dude, that's like some crazy. I'm sorry, that's a great wrestling character right there. All right,

World War II. Emperor Tiger Star. No, what the fuck? That's not it. Hang on a second. There we go. Hirihoto. Hirihoto. Yeah, I'd buy any of that shit. Nia, either close the fucking curtain or leave it open. You're killing me with my eyes over here. All right, bogus chocolate. What do you think about this, Nia? Hey there, Billy, sweet nuts. Did you hear about this brother in New York who started a chocolate company selling chocolate bars for $10 under the false pretenses that it was premium chocolate? It turns out it was shitty chocolate and they were using the cheapest of ingredients while simultaneously trashing all of the chocolate companies. Here's a link to the article.

What's your policy on buying niche products that are full of hype? I actually did hear about that and I think it's fucking hilarious. I don't like ExxonMobil finding out about global warming 30 years ago allegedly and then completely blowing it off. But if somebody does the emperor's new clothes and Brooklyn with some fucking chocolate and sells it to a bunch of dopes, I think it's funny. They should definitely be penalized. It's like when they used to catch those people when they- Where was he selling it? Like on the street, on the subway, on the, like, how did he go about selling it? Someone comes up to you on the street and is like trying to sell you a Rolex. Like, you know pretty much if you have any kind of street smarts that this shit's either fake or it's hot,

right? So if someone comes up to you and says, I got this premium chocolate- No, no, no, they went all out. They had a whole book like this. How the mass brothers- Oh, that company. Yeah, I read about that. They had all the packaging and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's fucking hilarious. I thought they were talking about someone just selling- You know what that reminds me of? It's like when they would, they'll bust somebody like, you know, they'll have this premium tap water, not tap water, I'm sorry, bottled water and then they have like a, in one month they have a $50,000 water bill because they're just taking it out of their tap. That shit has always been hilarious to me. It's like the guy would figure out how to pick the lock on the parking meters.

It was allegedly impossible to do and some guy figured out how to do it, but of course he got greedy and it ended up getting caught. Just people who do shit like that is just funny to me. You rob a bank. You don't use a gun. It's funny to me. All right. You don't hurt anybody. You just scare people. You just hand them a note. Yeah, you hand them a note. You got whipped cream on your face. You didn't really plan it out. It was an impulsive thing. You know, you decided you wanted a little better lunch. If you don't stop opening and closing that motherfucker up a goddamn- I'm going. Yeah, but now you're going to close it. You can't close the curtain. Nia, you can't close the curtain and close the door. Please don't make me watch you do this.

Oh, God. Bye, Nia. Bye. All right. Seeing X needed advice. Hey, Billford. Billford, I'm a 20-year-old guy and my girlfriend of a year broke up with me a couple of months ago. I'm starting to get over her and we go to different colleges, so I think it'll be easier to move on. But we have the same friends and I know we will go to the same hangouts. For example, my buddy's birthday is in two weeks and she's going. Should I go up to her first and talk to her like she didn't kick my heart in the ass or should I just say hi and sort of ignore her for the rest of the party? Thanks and have a nice day. No. This is what she got to do. All right. She dumped you, so you didn't want it to end. She did. So you're hurting more than her

is how I would probably guess how this is going down. So first thing I would do is am I friends enough with this person who's having the birthday that it's worth putting myself into the position? If it isn't, then just don't go to the party. If it is, if the person is important enough, then when you go there, I would absolutely say hello to her first. You know, just say good to see. I hope you're doing all right. Blah, blah, blah, blah. No need to be weird around me, whatever. All right. And then I would just go about and have a great fucking time. I would limit my drinking that night because you don't want to make a dumb decision because if you go there and you say hello to her first and you're totally fucking cool

for whatever fucking reason, how people work when they break up with people. If the person is, if that's that thing, if the person's clinging, the other person is, goes, oh my God, thank God, I'm out of it. But if they look like they're getting on with their life, even if the person just got done dumping them for some reason, they'll try and hook up with them. You don't want to hook up with this person again. All right. She made the decision and just, I don't get how that works, but men and women both do that shit. So I would just be totally cool. Go to the birthday party. I would not drink at this thing. That would be a great move. You stay sober. This is what you want to be. You don't want to be fast Eddie. All right. From the hustler. Remember that when he

gets all shit faced and Jackie Gleason stays fucking sober, Minnesota fats, and he goes, all right, let's shoot some pool after fucking fast Eddie down the whole bottle of fucking bourbon, then he kicks his ass and gives all the money back plus another fucking 10 grand. I would, if you're going to go to it, I would, I would be totally nice to her. Say hello. Be totally cool. Walk the fuck away and then just drink club sodas the whole night. And then when it feels like the time's right, it's starting to get to that point where everybody's getting fucking wasted. You leave and then that's it. That's how I would play it. God damn it. I wish somebody gave me that advice a long fucking time ago. All right. Let me pat myself on my back for my own fucking advice and

see it sounded good to me. Anyways, here we go. All right, Bill, my girlfriend is addicted to sex. All right, collectively every guy listening to this. Hey, Bill, just wanted to let you know if you hadn't just wanted to know if you had any advice related to my relationship with my girlfriend. She probably read in the subject of this on this message, there doesn't seem to be a downsize to the situation. But there is since she can't control herself. Recently, my girlfriend visited me from California for a month. And every day we banged on the kitchen floor, shower, bedroom, backyard, etc. Up until the last day, it was great until we got into an argument. She kept trying to walk away and break up with me without a real reason until she told me why. Apparently,

apparently my girlfriend can't wait more than eight months without sex. And after eight months, she doesn't care who she gets it from. This worried me and pissed me off at the same time. We ended up staying together, but I won't see her for a good while. No idea when. Now my worry is that she will cheat on me with other people during the time we are apart. Oh, and by the way, I live in Texas. I would love some advice from my favorite comedian. I would trust your instincts here. Yeah. Listen, you can't get mad at her for the fact she told you what her deal is. Okay. She needs it. She needs it all the fucking time. She lives in California. You live in Texas. She actually was doing you a fucking favor by trying to break up with it because she doesn't want to

cheat on you. And I don't know if this is just naturally how she's wired. If I don't know if it's is an issue. I don't know what the fucking deal is, but all I know is the way she is. And she lives in California and you live in Texas and you don't know when you're going to see her again. Yeah, you got to let this one go. All right. You don't need that. Anytime you're with somebody, you're trying to have a serious fucking relationship and you can't be away from them for a certain amount of time. Are they going to fuck somebody else? I mean, I don't think man or woman fantasizes as that for any sort of significant serious or lifetime partner. So I would, hey, you know what? You had a good time with her and I'd let her go. She's out in California. Let her go do whatever

the fuck she's going to do. And I would try to find someone that's a little more wired like yourself and see if that works. All right. Okay. That's the podcast. I'm going to enjoy my last day here. Hey, thank you to the beautiful country of Italy and everybody from here that treated me and my wife so wonderfully. We'll definitely get to come back. Once again, thank you to everybody who came out to my tour through Ireland, England, Scotland, Amsterdam, Belgium and Germany could not have had more fun on this trip. I'm definitely ready to get home. I have not seen my fucking dog Clio Dio since July 29th. Yeah, I've not been in the United States since July. So I got to get back before they fucking just cancel my goddamn visa, whatever the fuck it is.

All right. That's it. If you guys enjoyed the podcast, if you'd like to donate, this is an easy way to do it. Next time you're going to buy something on Amazon, just go to billbird.com. First click on the podcast page and you just hit the Amazon link. All right. It'll take you right to Amazon. It doesn't cost you any extra money, but I get credit for driving traffic that way. If you want to do it, I get it. If you don't, no problem. And also, if you'd like to see me do my first fucking show since my European tour in the United States, I will be in Reno on August 27th, which with the absolutely fucking hilarious Todd Rex, one of the funniest fucking people I've ever met in my life. He's the guy, what do you

say to it? He said that to a cop one time that pulled us over when the guy was walking up to the car. And what was so funny was he was a young baby face looking cop. And we pulled this over, we were underneath a bridge, so it echoed. And I think it was me, him in the lawhead. And I think I lost six months of my life trying not to laugh when the cop walked up and he said that. He's one of the funniest guys I know, and he is not going to be easy to follow. So if you come out to the show, do not show up late because Todd is every bit as funny as I'll ever fucking be. All right. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves or talk to you on Thursday.