Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-23-21

Episode Date: August 23, 2021

Bill rambles about getting 'the look', sharks vs. helicopters, and Australia.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it is time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, August 23rd, 2021. What's going on, Hawaii? I love saying Hawaii. I always say Hawaii, but you know, after 10 days in Massachusetts, it warms my heart. Oh my God, I'm back in LA, which I'm not going to lie to you. All right? When we were on, you know, a little fucking, the last little part of the flight, whatever you call it, our approach into LAX, and I looked out the window and I just saw the fucking, you know, smoke from the fires from God knows where. I was like, Jesus Christ, what did I just leave? What did I move to? You know, if I just had more of a normal childhood, I just could have just

stayed. You know what? But I would have stayed there and I wouldn't have appreciated it. That's the thing right now. You think people living in Wakefield understand how great their life people up in Marblehead, they don't know. They don't know. They've just always been there. Okay? They're red chest and they're even brown or freckles every year on their chest, right above their cleavage, man boobs or titties, whatever your fucking preference. Right? They don't know. Walking around in boat shoes, getting their umpteenth fucking lobster roll, not questioning, not questioning why in 2021 we still have to boil those poor crustaceans, crustaceans alive. It's why I won't, I don't fuck with lobster. I don't fuck

with veal. You know, and I bet if I looked into Kobe beef, I wouldn't fuck with that either. I don't fuck with shampoo because I'm bald. Not because of what they do to the rabbits. What do you think a rabbit says to God when it dies? You know, like what, what the fuck was that? God, you know, I love that we're so arrogant as human beings. We don't every, every one of us gets a conversation with God after we die. He sits down and takes out his giant, the giant manila envelope photo of your fucking life. And it's going to sit down and go blow by blow of all the good shit and all the bad shit. Like let me ask you this. If you were God and you had the ability, the fucking ability to create the universe,

to create whatever you want to create, are you going to waste your time with all of that paperwork? One of the umpteen thousand fucking earths out there, right? This is the one he pays attention to and he just can't wait to take me to task about 1986 when I blabber blue, right? Let's say he does. Let's say he's got that kind of fucking time. I mean, how long does it take to review somebody's life? He's got to be blowing through this shit. That's kind of uplifting. I would think even if you go to hell after you die, the fucking waiting time, it's got to be ridiculous. You know, it's like trying to get Packers, Green Bay Packers season tickets back in the day. I don't know about now. I don't know if you

can get them now. I have no idea. I have no idea. And is that a statement of the loyalty of the fans in and around Appleton, Wisconsin? Or is that more a statement of this just nothing to fucking do out here? I don't give a shit if Lynn Dickie's the quarterback, okay? I'm on a waiting list for season tickets. Waiting for our next Bart Starr. Bart Starr, the last Hall of Famer to wear 15 at quarterback in the NFL. It has been an over 50 year fucking drought. And along comes Patrick Mahomes. Patrick Mahomi. He comes along. And what does he do? What does he do? He puts number 15 back on the map at quarterback. No kid grew up wanting to be number 15. Nobody did. 15 is a slow number. You know, I think about when

I think of 15, I think one, one, that Joe Thysman helmet, one fucking bar across your face Mac lining up to do a straight on field kick, missing half your foot. That's what I think of. I think of Tom Dempsey. That's what I think of. And you know what these kids today? They're going to think of Patrick Mahomes. I can't say anything today. Patrick Mahomes. Patrick Mahomes. That's who they're going to think of. They're going to think of throwing a no look pass to their friend who's looking back at him, a bot ready to run into a mailbox and then, you know, two completes is a first. All right. You guys ever play that in the street? Two completes in a row is a first. Pass the telephone poles to touch down.

Two hand touch in the street. Anyway, so how fucking arrogant are we that as human beings that we think God's going to waste his fucking time reviewing everybody's stupid as fucking life? I mean, I would think you'd have to live a life of some sort of significance where you were the greatest fucking dude ever or the biggest piece of shit ever. All right. And notice how I just talked about that in male terms. I have not even included women having their life reviewed. Okay, there's no way God's going to put himself through that and listen to their fucking whining and crying and their argument. He's just going to let him in. He's just going to let him in. And when he does, does that really make it heaven for men?

But anyway, kind of a fucking world. Do you think that this person is going to take the time to review your fucking life? Going to Applebee's fucking drinking in the woods, whatever the fuck you did, he's going to take his time to do that. But he's not wasting his time with a rabbit. A rabbit dies. It's just fucking dead. And you know what I would say? The only reason why we believe that is because you can't teach a rabbit how to unload a truck. That's why. So there's no need to control those fucking things. And if anybody deserves to be in the TSA pre-check line into heaven, I would say it'd be a bunny rabbit. All right. Name something that can't fucking overpower

that thing and kill it. Sit around eating veggies, man. Right? They're like little liberals hopping on. Hopping all around the fucking woods with their stupid bunny tails out. Just thinking the best of people, you know, sure, they could use some Invisalign, but nobody's perfect. Right? Just go. They're just out there to be killed. Hawks, snakes, coyotes, anything you can just get their fucking hands on them. People. We used to cut their feet off and stick it in some tie dye and walk around and say, this is good luck. I don't know. This is all the shit that goes through my fucking head. You know what I mean? I spent a lot of time by myself. Even when I'm with people, if you know

what I mean. Some of you know what I mean. Do you have that ability to be sitting there nodding, doing active listening as you're fucking 9 million miles away in your head? You know? So anyway, we're back here, but I gotta be honest with you. It's nice to be back here with all my stuff that I've accumulated throughout the years. I miss my drums. Bill, you can ship your drums back east. I know I could. And I've been playing a lot lately, having a great fucking time. And I actually came across this triplet exercise. I think I was talking to you guys about this, but I've been sticking with it and my foot has never been faster. It's never been more powerful. It's never been more upfront in my dad drumming. In my dad, never been even in a wedding band

drumming that I do. Very excited about that. And I've been coming up with different exercises myself, where I can then do things to improve like the three in a row on the bass drum, where at that point, the pivot point becomes your ankle. You know? And your foot's flopping like you just blew out your Achilles. That shit. So I'm just coming up with stuff, slowing it down and moving up. And I kind of really figured out why I wasn't able to push through. Because, you know, remember back in the day in the 80s, maybe the 80s people, when you'd bench and every two weeks you'd see, dude, let's see what a max is. I do that every time I work on it. You saw what your max was,

but then what you did was you backed off 40 fucking pounds and you built that up so you could do 10 reps and then your max would increase. I don't do that. That's not how I drum. I go all the way up to my max and then try to play at my max and then I fucking jack up my leg or my foot or something like that. You know, I got to learn to take a step back. You know, and I think that's something we could all think about every once in a while, just taking a step back, don't you think? I'm actually bummed out that I missed that tropical storm that hit Massachusetts right after I left. You know, my ego wants to say people were that upset that I didn't spend 11 days in Massachusetts, including Mother Nature, that that was Mother

Nature crying that my pasty thighs were not going to be gracing the beaches of Massachusetts. We were right on the water and dude, there's nothing better than that seeing that being on the water and seeing some fucking storm coming in. That's exciting shit seeing the power of nature, right? Watching some guy in a shiny fucking suit on your flat screen TV called a tropical storm is just touching. It's like, buddy, I'm looking, I'm looking at what you're talking about. This is like interactive weather channel type shit. Dude, how smart was Byron Allen? Byron Allen in general, how smart is that guy? One of the people I looked up to in this business. Anytime I see a performer that somehow figures out how to get on the other side of the desk, you know,

and actually do well on that side, the business side. There's a bunch of people out there, but he's on my Mount Rushmore people that did that. And that guy bought the weather channel. I mean, how brilliant is that? You know what I mean? There's so many of these channels out there that they're just not going to fucking last. But the weather channel with global warming, I mean, I'm looking at like you're going to see like a Will Smith Tom Cruise movie every fucking six months pretty soon with the kind of weather that we're going to be getting. And you're just in these fucking weather people on this channel, whatever you call it, meteorologists, weather, hey, aren't you one of them weather people meteorologists are going to become

superstars. They are going to be the Walter Cronkites and the Walter Cronkettes of the future. That's what we're all going to be watching is these meteorologists. Just sitting there, taking off their fucking glasses going, I don't think this war with Mother Nature is winnable. It's no longer winnable. I don't know how if global warming is going to kill all of us, you know, I just don't want to be washed out to sea. That's my thing. Even if I'm immediately dead, there's just something about floating out there and these little, not even sharks, just those little fucking things coming up, you know, taking a nibble, you know, you'd have no pants on

like a sock, some shit, just fucking ass up and they fucking getting sunburned, just floating there waiting for nature to clean you up, clean up the whole memory of you. Jesus, that's dark. Anyway, so here's something that I learned going back east. Other than I can't believe how much I miss Massachusetts and how lucky I was to grow up there is I realized, you know, crocs, you know, those ugly ass fucking shoes that I thought were made out of plastic. They're actually made out of rubber, I believe. I think that's rubber. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's some sort of manmade shit. I have no idea. But they can actually shrink if you leave them in the sun and I shrunk my fucking crocs, you know, and the only way to

get them back is you got to stick them in a boiling pot of water for a minute and then take it out and immediately stick your foot in it. If you can fucking handle it to try to get them to stretch back out again. But even then, they're never the same. They're never the same. You know, it's like Mystic River. When was the last time you saw that dude? When was the last time I saw him? The backseat of that car back in 1974. That's where my crocs were. They went the back of that fucking car on that little shelf where if you had like four kids, that kid laid across that one with no seat belt on. That's where they were sitting, driving off with some fucking pervert priest. Yeah, so my wife was upset because they were a gift that she got me because everybody else has

crocs and I did not want them. I'm like, I'm not wearing those stupid fucking things. I don't want them. I have plenty of footwear. I don't need them. So, you know, you know, women are, they always listen to you, right? She goes out and she buys them anyways. So then she buys me these things that I didn't want because now everybody has them and it gives, you know, a cute sense of family, which I understand. All right? But I did say I didn't want them. You know, I could go out and buy everybody a fucking Patriots hat. My wife doesn't want to wear it. Do I get sad? I don't. Just thought I needed to answer that for you. I don't get sad. I just, I understand. I go, oh, you don't like sports. Why would I force that upon you?

Um, somebody's doesn't work the other way. Would you like a pair of crocs? No, I would not. Why? Right there. Right there, you know, you're getting crocs. Why? I don't know. I'm just asking. You don't have to get upset. Um, I got one for you guys. I have a thing that's probably not, it's going to get me in trouble. This is for all the guys out there, of course. I have a game that I would like you guys to participate in. All right? This is what you do. You take your cell phone camera and you get it ready. And when your wife has her back to you, ask her to do something for you. And when she turns around, take a picture of her face.

Dude, I got to tell you, I got to get Nia on this. The fucking look on my wife's face when, like twice a month, I ask her to do something. She just stops in her tracks and she literally looks at me. I can't even, it's like this, it's almost like confusion and concern. Like she can't even understand the question. And then she has concern like, have I lost my mind? Did I forget what the chain of command is? You, you don't ask me to do, I tell you the things to do. They're like, Mr. White, I am the one who knocks. So my wife has this fucking, I do it now. I have to wait because now she knows I'm doing it. I got to wait every two weeks. I fucking, I ask her to do something for me. I'll say, can you do me a favor? Can you go in the kitchen and get me a glass

of water? And I'm telling you, it's like, it's dead in her tracks. She has this, it's like, she just stares at me, but I can't keep a straight face anymore. Can you guys do that? Just ask your wife to do something for you and then fucking just take a picture, take a picture of her face. I just want to see if I'm not alone in this. That's all. I'm also an asshole. So, you know, ladies, you can have fun. I'm sure you'll steal the idea and then call yourself brave and you'll do something else. I don't know what it is. Anyway, huge, huge, huge, huge fucking moment as a father on Friday, this past Friday, my daughter officially knows how to swim. You know, I got to give a shout out to my brother-in-law for my lifeguard that

basically got her there and she was right ready to do it. And then the pandemic hit and then she didn't swim for a while and then kind of got afraid of the water again. So he deserves like 99% of the credit. So I basically, I was trying to explain to her how to do the doggie paddle and she just, you know, wasn't grasping it. So what I finally did was I said, listen, just do the doggie paddle and I'll just have my hand under your stomach, right? And all I did was just do like, like index, middle and thumb. So it was mainly her. And then what I'd do is she was going along, paddle faster, paddle faster, I would just take it away. And then she'd start to sink, but she would paddle faster and get her head up and then start to sink for real.

Then I would just hold her back up again. And I did that for like five minutes and next thing, you know, she was swimming by herself. It was fucking amazing. I'm not saying this is going to work for you. And obviously my brother-in-law did a ton of work with her. So I'm not taking credit, but I was there when it happened. And I saw the look of how psyched and proud she was. And that's a huge like relief for me as a parent that my kid knows how to swim. That's a scary thing when you're like, you just look at your kids like they don't know how to swim. Hey, you want to go out on a little boat ride? No, I don't. Why? My kids don't know how to swim. And I have two when I can only get to one one at a time. No fucking thank you. Not happening. Not

happening. Anyway, so that happened. And my daughter is also like really into skateboarding now. She's been watching these videos and she wants a skateboard. So she told me the skateboard she wanted. It has like a cartoon character on it. And I saw it. The fucking board was like 21 bucks. Okay. And I, the reason why I don't skateboard is because I had a $21 skateboard, the equivalent of it in the 70s. And your feet hung off on either side. And if you hit a pebble, you went flying like you got ejected through the windshield of a car. And they didn't have pads when I was a kid. They just, he just fucking went down. Pads were wearing dungarees. That's what it was in a long sleeve shirt. That's what pads were when I was a kid. Nobody had fucking pads. Nobody wore helmets.

It was stupid. It was fucking stupid. And kids were breaking their arms and their legs right. And there was always some kid on crutches. This always happened. Fans didn't have guards and people fucking fan blades were made out of metal and people would chop the tip of their fingers. I was fucking nuts. I was fucking nuts. So anyway, I want to ask skateboard people out here in LA. I want to get my daughter into this sport. She's absolutely obsessed with it. She loves it. She's starting to know the names of the tricks. And I think it's so fucking cool. I gotta hook her up here. So my question to you is where should I go? What size deck, I believe you call it, should I get? What's a good starter board where she's not going to get hurt or whatever?

I mean, I know she's going to get hurt because she's doing it, but like, you know, I'm going to get her all the pads and everything. But where should I go? I've already googled and I saw the original skateboard shop out here, LA skate company, and then a few others or whatever. And it just seems like, I don't know. I don't know anything about it. Anything about it other than my daughter is obsessed with it. And she knows how to ride a bike. She can swim now. Let's fucking, let's do skateboarding. All of this builds up confidence. All of it builds up self-esteem. Right? Then you teach them a little jujitsu. They can choke out a freak. And what you got is a complete fucking person who will now walk up to what she wants in

life, you know, and find love and hopefully, you know, there's a world for her when she gets older and it's not 130 degrees up. So if you guys have any information on that, I would greatly appreciate it. And then I'm going to pass it on because already one of her relatives wants to be the one that gets her the skateboard. So I just got to give them the information. So I've been watching a bunch of Red Sox, hoping that we were going to be crushing the bottom feeders of the league. We're playing the Rangers. And we won the game. We're sail pitched. He did the usual. I think I already talked about this, didn't I? I can't remember. But we lost last night. And I guess I'm finding out from people who watched them all year. The deal was they knew sail wasn't coming

back until the end of the year. And that's why they didn't make a move. And this the rest of the year is sort of his rehab. And next year, we're going to make a push where we're going to go sign some big free agency arm, because that's what you do now. You go out and you buy a title. So I guess that that's what they're going to do. I don't fucking know. I don't pretend to know. But I will tell you this, I do like love baseball so much that I can even if they get completely out of the race, which they're not. No one can watch a meaningless baseball game like myself. I fucking I'll sit there all day and watch it. And and also I've been watching all the untouchables. Highly, highly, highly recommend that series, dude. Robert Stax character says some of the coldest

shit ever. I saw this episode, right? This gangster is beaten to death. And his wife has to come in and identify the body of her dead husband. And she comes in, they pull back the sheet, his face is so pulverized, they don't show it. But they kind of let you know that's what it is. His face is so pulverized, she can't tell who it is. And they go, Well, did he have any identify any marks or tattoos or scars? She's like, No, and then she's like, Oh, wait, yes, he had a sort of a V shaped scar on his back right shoulder from a bullet wound. And they roll them over and she saw the V shaped scar and she just started balling crying. Right. So anyway, you watch the rest of the episode, turns out that was all in act, because that wasn't her husband. And she knew that it wasn't her

husband. It's a long convoluted story as to why they needed somebody else to pretend they were dead when they really weren't right. So a black male and somebody and they were keeping one guy alive so then they could have power over this guy. So in the end of the episode, Robert Stack faces off with this woman's husband, who's actually really alive. They have a gun battle. Robert Stack blows the guy away right in front of his wife. And his wife starts balling again. And Robert Stack after killing her husband right in front of her just looks at it and says, real tears taste different. Don't they, Mrs. Cagle? I was like, God damn.

Robert Stack is Elliot Ness, man. It's one of my favorite. Joe Bartnick told me for years to watch it, told me how great it was. It is fucking amazing. There's only been one of all the episodes at this point. I've watched like 50 episodes. There's only been one one where they went too romantic and they had string music and everything. It didn't make any sense for it to even be in there. It'd be like having that scene in a fucking romantic comedy, which just kind of got outside themselves. Other than that, it was fucking great. And I gotta tell you, Frank Sutton, who played Sergeant Carter in Gomer Pyle, is in two episodes that I've seen so far, playing two different characters because back then you could do that shit. And he absolutely

crushes it. I have such a ridiculous amount of respect for that guy as an actor. He's fucking amazing. So, you know, as funny as he was on the Gomer Pyle series, he was an incredible dramatic actor. All right. And with that, let's do a little bit. Let's do a little bit of the advertising here as I'm running my fucking, yeah, 26 minutes in. Jesus, Bill, come up for it. All right. Look who, oh, look who it is. It's ButcherBox, everybody. I love ButcherBox. Soak up the last moments of summer with ButcherBox. Maybe you're getting together with your friends and families you haven't seen in forever. We're spending time doing what you missed out doing on last year, no matter what you're doing. The last thing you should stress about is cooking,

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the apartment below zip. The smartest way to hire. Sorry about people on airplanes. Oh my god. I just yelled like that. You're wearing these fucking headphones on an airplane. That person's knee next to you and they're hot jeans. Just fucking touching you. Sweaty fucking leg. Sorry. All right, kayak recommendations as I mentioned. Oh, Billy freckle tits really enjoyed being on the beach. So I was talking about how I kayaking. That's something I could do at the beach. I could get into that. I got a paddle. I can beat away the fucking sharks. Hey, old chrome dome. I heard one of the best things I ever heard one time I was as far as chrome goes. And the only guy I ever heard say it, I was on one of

those fan boats in the Everglades in Florida. And one of them had we pulled up to one because one had broken down with all these alligators. And they were talking about the boat and how it looked good. But you know, it wasn't running. And this guy was smoking a cigarette, this redneck dude. And he goes, Well, won't if it won't go chrome it is what he said. I think that's what he said. If it won't go chrome it or if it won't run chrome it. And me and my wife started laughing because I was immediately thinking like, Yeah, if it looks like shit, shine it up, someone will buy it. I don't know if that's an expression if you live in Florida. You know, if you're a redneck and there's no shame in that. All right, because I'm white trash. I'm white trash all fucking

day long. All right, I would eat chip beef on toast tonight. Tonight, you know, what do you want to talk? You want to talk a dual family house? You want to talk about squirrels on the walls? I'm all over it. Talk to you all day. You want to talk about a basement that smells like it's been underwater for 100 years? We can do this. We can have this conversation. Rednecks are white trash that know how to fix shit. That's how I look at it. White trash is just fucking. They're just trash. Like, yeah, just blowing down the street. Oh, God, this fucking guy, right? Hey, old Chrome Dome, I heard you're looking at kayaks. Check out Hobby. Hobie, I guess is how you say it. Oh, like the Hobie Baker Award. Hobie kayaks. They're

expensive. Dude, I don't want to be on some cheap hunk of shit out there. But in addition to paddling propulsion, they also have foot pedal drives where you just pedal yourself where you want to go. You'll be able to fit your little ones on there with you too. Wait a minute. And he's got a link. I don't live anywhere near the water and I'm going to, I'm thinking of buying this. Would you look at those? Oh my God. How, okay, these are all beautiful. How expensive are they? All right, let's click on one. Let's go with the nice fucking, we'll go with the neon yellow. Take a test ride on this thing. 1500 bucks. I'm fucking buy one of those and I would fucking buy one of those. Of course, I got to live in a state with no fucking water. Does anybody out here go kayaking?

Also sounded like you mentioned the ones people were standing on. Those are stand up paddle boards. It kind of seemed like people use those to get out to their boat or SUPS. Boat, B-O-T-E, makes some pretty good ones and they even have one where you can convert to a little motorized boat slash SUP stand up paddle board. All right, boatboard.com, B-O-T-E, board.com, might even get you more into fishing. Hope you and your family are doing well. Go fuck yourself. If I even went fishing, I would catch one fish and that would be it. Like I'm eating this. I'm done. I'm not trying to get the biggest one. I'm not trying to get more than the guy next to me. I'm just taking what I need. All right, maybe I should do 23 in me and see if I have a Native American in

me. Huh? How badass would that be if I was part of patchy? Sharks and helicopters. Deers spotted scrotum scalp. Jesus Christ. Going for marrow on that one. I'm a huge fan. Jesus, are you? And generally agree with your point of view, but your most, your recent rant about shark attacks is absolutely ridiculous. First of all, I hate to be, well, first of all, okay, you insult, which I think I have a beautiful head. I'm standing by that. I have a beautiful head. I take care of it. I lotion it up. I laser rough anything and it's unsightly. You know, I keep it fucking, I keep it, you know, I keep it shaved nice and smooth. All right, so fuck yourself on that one. Then you tell me you're a huge fan of mine. So you draw me back in. This is an abusive relationship.

Okay, you say something that if I wasn't such a strong person, it didn't have a little bit of Apache blood in me, I would have started crying. Okay, but I shook that off. Then you fucking draw me back in by saying I'm, you're a huge fan. And then you then, then the very next day, it wasn't even the same sentence. Dot, dot, dot. You tell me, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Well, I have to tell you as the social justice warrior who's trying to live his best life, you're probably right. I have a ridiculous fear of sharks. I do. I know it is. I know it's ridiculous. All right. First of all, I hate the beach. I hate the sand, the sun, the seaweed, the stupid fucking jellyfish. I hate the goddamn winter and all the dumb ass people who waste their days there.

The water. Sorry. I hate the goddamn water. I was like, Jesus, he's jumping seasons here. I hate the goddamn water and all the dumb ass people waste their days there. But I'm sure as shit, not afraid of sharks. All right. Well, it doesn't sound like you go anywhere near him. You'll hope it about being attacked by a shark is no different than some cunt crying about the dangers of helicopters. Uh, there, there's way more helicopter crashes per year than shark attacks, by the way. Okay, fair enough. I've never understood doing that. Going from one variable to another, because it isn't just as simple as that. I would say there's way more people. No, there isn't way more people flying helicopters.

You know what? Maybe that's a good one. Maybe that is a good one. I have no idea. But all I know is the helicopter is not trying to kill me. I kind of have to put in some work to make it kill me. But I guess sharks are the same way. If you have a phobia of sharks, then man up and own that shit. Admit it's an irrational and own the phobia. Stop making excuses. You sound like a little bitch. Love the podcast and go fuck yourself. Listen, I don't know what me being afraid of sharks just fucking triggered in you, but I don't, I think what the fuck was that? What are you some fucking football coach from the seventies? I've always said that I'm fucking terrified of him and there's no fucking way I'm going. I'm allowed to have a fear. All right. You know what? You sound like,

you sound like somebody needs to go home and go hug his dad. Go fuck yourself. You fucking cunt. I fly helicopters. All right. I got the balls to do that, but just cause you got the balls to do that doesn't mean I go fucking cave diving. I like swimming. I like to, I like the same way I fly is the same way I swim. I try to minimize the risk. I try to put the odds in my favor. That's what I do. Okay. That's just what I do. There's some people, if they're going to deep fry a turkey, they're going to do it on their deck. They're going to do it on their wooden deck and they're going to just, yeah, you know, I could fucking, you know, I don't think anybody's going to tip it over and they take that risk.

And there's other people they do it in the driveway with the fire extinguisher there. That, that's how I am. That's how I am. Okay. And what is stop making excuses? That whole thing fascinated. That took me way back in my life. You have a phobia of sharks, then man up and own that shit. I, I, I feel like I am by saying how much I have it, uh, how afraid I am in the ocean. I literally say I'm terrified of the ocean. I think I've said that a thousand times in this podcast, admit it's irrational. In other words, agree with you and own the phobia. Listen, it's not irrational. The level that I have is, is probably irrational. The odds of it happening. Okay. Yes. Absolutely. I'll admit to that, but it's not irrational. It's not something to not

be concerned of. Uh, stop making excuses. You sound like a little bitch. Listen to the tough guy who never goes to the fucking beach or goes in the goddamn water. Jesus Christ. I wish I was whatever. All right. God bless you, sir. I agree with everything you say. I will try to be less of a bitch. There we go. All right. Next invasion. Dear Billy from the future. Uh, what country do you think the U S and its corporate allies invade next? Oh, I like this question. I think it's 10 to one. I think 10 to one, it's in the middle East. It might seem hacky, but I just don't see the troops rolling in to anywhere else. Next up, I'd say Northern Africa and then South America is a close third. I will tell you this. I like your picks, but I would actually say that I would say

South America is next and we're going to invade lush land because water, fresh water is going to be the next oil that they're going to go after. Um, I think that eventually, hopefully sooner rather than later, people are going to realize that, uh, I don't know. You'd have to, the thing about it is we, we've been slaves to the oil companies in the banks forever. So, you know, you're going back to like, I mean, that is just pure evil. Um, the amount of people that both of those lines of businesses have killed over the years. I mean, I can't imagine where the number is at. It has to be in the fucking hundreds of millions that people have, that those two basic jobs have killed and the desire for making money and the desire for, um, gaining control of oil, getting

oil and selling oil and all that, the amount of people that have died, innocent people is just off the charts, but they have a ton of fucking money. So I like, you know, I like your pick about the Middle East. We're already there, so it's very easy to demonize another country there. Um, Northern Africa, I don't know. I think it's going to be South America. Um, yeah, but I really love your question and the fun way you put the evil shit that we've been doing, uh, in the way is fucking bananas. It's fucking bananas. And by the way, us leaving Afghanistan, I mean, am I out of my mind? Does that not look like a frame for frame reenactment of us leaving Vietnam? Like if you literally show us leaving Afghanistan and play

Jimi Hendrix, Hey Joe or some doors or something like that, it's the exact same event all over again. Um, I don't know for the life of me, I've said it forever. I do not understand how war is still legal. I just don't get it. Um, I don't give a shit. I don't understand why people give a fuck so much about money. You know, once you have enough, why do you want more? I don't understand that. I just don't get any of that. I just wish that these fucking fucking people would stand up to these suits. They're literally people in suits. Just stand up to them, tell them to go fuck themselves and go in a different direction. And maybe we could fucking help people. I don't know. I don't know. All right, that's sorry. That was old Billy Bergenstock there. All right,

Australia, yo, Billy of the North and Aussie here, right in it. It's getting crazy, mate. Our lockdowns are severely worse than almost all of the world. Despite things getting better, the irrational rule of this shitty governance is getting worse. You may have seen videos going around of kids being taken from parents because of a positive COVID test. Everyone is outraged, but there is a great divide between people in our country. Sounds familiar? Even the ones that think it is wrong will still defend the fact that it's being done, which is totally backward. If you ask me, poor kids got to sleep somewhere strange with people in hazmat suits delivering them food on a tray. I'm sure that won't cause any life-lasting

trauma. And if that doesn't twist your asshole, check out the dog shelter where the cops went in and shot all the dogs by order of the city. I don't want to watch that. Bjorkshire Council in the state, states Northwest killed the dogs to prevent volunteers at a cobar based animal shelter from traveling to pick up the animals last week. According to council watchdog, the office of local government. Alright, as an American, just seeing how fucked up you guys are, I hate to say this in a selfish way, maybe feel a little bit better. Yeah, I mean, there's no solution to the COVID thing. I mean, it's like people are going to do whatever the fuck they want to do. The kids are suffering and the reason why they're suffering is because everybody thinks

they know the solution, even though they don't have a medical degree. I've been saying this from the beginning, if we all just did the same thing, if we were all doing the same thing, it would be so much easier to predict this thing. But if, you know, half the people are running this way and the other half are running 180 degrees in the other different direction, it's like what we keep doing, it's like there's a house on fire. We keep putting out half the house and then moving in and then getting surprised that it gets engulfed in flames again. What we're going to have to do is what we've never done ever is all get together and work and respect each other and all pull in the same direction, which is, you know, we're failing this test miserably.

And then when we try to get people, and I've been guilty of this too, of, we try to get people to come to our way of thinking is we then insult them like, hey, fuckhead, why don't you fucking get your head out of your head? Like who's listening after hey, fuckhead? I've been guilty of that too. Not to mention sounding like a bitch about my shark stuff. You know what, I so wish I didn't read that email. I wish I kept that to myself and I would have just kept ramping up how much I'm afraid of sharks, just the level of anger in that email. I loved because I relate to it so much. Yeah, let me focus on this guy and this shit. I flipped out about not being able to find a spatula the other day in the kitchen. I was like,

wait a minute, what am I really mad at? And I figured it out and I dealt with it. And then looking back at yelling about a spatula just seemed so fucking ridiculous to me. Or maybe I didn't understand the tone of it. I could have done that. Anyway, overrated, underrated everybody. Underrated, reading a book on the beach. Jesus, that seemed like it would hurt your eyes. You know, with the sun glaring down on the book, must have some really nice sunglasses. Reading a book on the beach, I heard you talk about, oh my God, sitting in the sun reading. That, I would rather get waterboarded. I heard you talk about your ocean state. I love to read, but never do. And the only place I can do, I can is on the beach. I get that. You have pigment,

and you have a brain. So that must be amazing. That sounds great. So I'm happy for you. It's the only time I ever finished a book in my adult life. If I don't finish, I have to wait till the next summer till I'm on the beach to even finish. That's really interesting. My thing, underrated, being at the beach after the sun is down in Twilight. That is the best, for me, that is the best. Going for a nice swim then, you know, trying to block out that woman who fucking swam at the beginning of fucking Jaws. You know, that's what I think about. I get really, really scared. Gotta get scared, goose bumps. Just trying to get this guy to yell at his fucking laptop right now. Overrated,

but I do think about that. Overrated, libraries for studying. Being surrounded by people who are all pretending to not look around and do work can be tough. College libraries aren't as bad because they have chairs spread out all around in weird places. You know what, I just read that, I didn't hear a word I just said, because I was really thinking about this guy saying how irrational my fear was. And dude, when I tell you, I went to go walk out on that sandbar that went an eighth of a mile out. And when I got 30 feet offshore, like I literally wanted to keep walking and couldn't. And I just turned back around. I was just like, I just, I can't. It's, it's, it's too big. The fucking thing is just too fucking big. I can't handle it. I'm a small town pool guy. Over, I

want to read stories about people facing their fears and then dying. Let's see if that happens, because that's fucking a lady to get out there and face your fear, your fucking pussy. And imagine if I went out there and got eaten by a shark, that would be so funny. You guys couldn't even get, you couldn't even get, you'd be a little sad. I'd like to think, but think the comedy would just outweigh it. So then the guy goes, get over your fucking fear. And the fucking orange cup gets eaten by a shark. You guys be laughing forever. People who faced their fears and then died. How do you spell died? D I E D. Doesn't look right. These famous figures suffered from unique phobias. Amazing leaders who once had stage fright, seven, seven steps to overcoming your fear of

death. Necrophobia. I thought that said necrophilia, seven steps to overcome your necrophilia. Start with fucking people who are sleeping. Please get their consent first. All right. Okay, here we go. This is these famous figures suffered from unique phobias. All right. Kings and presidents have always been keen to be seen as wise. Here's a big long intro. Fuck all of that. Okay, 19 hands Christian Anderson, Hans, Hans Christian Anderson. What does this guy do? Was he a sailor? Do you write a book? The Danish writer, Hans Christian Anderson had a vivid imagination and obsessive thoughts of being buried alive, dominated his later years. Oh, what if I'm still alive? Well, then he should have killed himself.

Had a color. Don't have me work suicide hotline. Had a colorful imagination over the course of his prolific career. I'll be the judge of that. Sorry. He wrote a number of children's classics, including the emperor's new clothes, the ugly duckling, and of course, the little mermaid. I didn't know he wrote the little mermaid. How did Disney get the rights to that? He probably probably told his next to kin, if you don't sell us that the rights to the little mermaid, we will bury you alive. However, his ripe imagination and active mind was often a curse as well as a blessing. Anderson had a number of fears, not the least, the fear being buried alive. He even took active measures to ensure that he would never endure his

this fate worth, worth worse than death. Somebody wrote worth than death. Is it possible to write in a lisp worth worth than death? Not that such a fear was completely irrational. At the very least, it was certainly understandable given the time the Victorian era was undoubtedly the golden age of taffofobia, fear of the grave, the popular press regularly printing sensational almost certainly inaccurate tales of people waking up waking up in a coffin six feet under. Oh Jesus, Star magazine. FDR was so terrified of fires, he refused to lock the doors of his White House bedroom. He used to do fireside chats to America. America ate off Hitler. After the war, Hitler's own dentist revealed what a bad patient the dictator was. Oh my god.

He killed six million people and he had bad breath. I mean, Jesus, how the fuck did this guy get a following? Adolf shitmouth Hitler wants to take over the world screaming up there, spitting. Adolf Hitler liked to portray himself as a superman, but he had deep rooted phobia of dentists, which may explain why he had such terrible oral hygiene. Oh my god. People just maybe that's why they did the Heil Hitler. They were trying to block his fucking when SS officer John was captured by Soviet forces at the end of the second war. They were keen to interrogate him. After all, he had served as the permanent personal dentist to several

high ranking Nazis. What's more, it also merged that he had been the dentist of Adolf Hitler, too. Upon being questioned was only too happy to condemn his former patient, but rather than criticizing Hitler for his crimes against humanity and wars of aggression, the dentist simply revealed him to have been a terrible patient. Furthermore, he made it clear for all his monstrosity, Hitler had an acute fear of the dentist chair. Oh, it was the 1940s. I mean, Jesus Christ. According to Dr. Hitler suffered from terrible bad breath, abscesses and gum disease. Yuck. Jesus Christ. All right, let's read one more here. Oh, this fucking weirdo Salvador Dolly. This guy, Jesus Christ, an abusive relationship with his girlfriend. God, she treated him like

shit. Was it was terrified of insects and had a particular phobia of grasshoppers. A fear that used to influence his work. Grasshoppers? In his day, Salvador Dolly was one of the most celebrated. We know what the fuck he did. The clocks melting. We get it. But the printer and sculptor was not always so popular. As a child growing up in Catalonia, he was bullied by boys his own age. Here we go. This is how we started painting. As well as calling him names, they would throw grasshoppers at him. This had a profound and long lasting effect. How fast were these bullies? They're just catching grasshoppers to go to the pet store. Augustus Caesar. Jesus Christ. I mean, how far back are you going to go?

Augustus Caesar was worried his fucking loincloth was going to fucking come flying up when he was fighting a tiger. All right, overrated libraries for studying. Being surrounded by people who are all pretending to not look around and do work can be tough. College libraries aren't as bad because they have chairs spread out all around in weird places. I don't understand that sentence. Being surrounded by people who are all pretending to not look around and do work can be tough. Oh, that's overrated. Oh, overrated. College libraries aren't as bad because they have chairs spread out all around in weird places. Yeah, the library, the college library, that's, that's like going to the movies.

You know, there's always going to be somebody behind you talking giggling and just being a douche. So I get that. I get that going to the library for study. That's when you got to have the headphones on, the Bose noise canceling headphones, which by the way, you know, I have a pair of those that I've had forever. And they, the inside foamy part, the part that the squishy part that goes against your ears kept coming off. And somebody told me to super glue it on. So I did. And now the spongy part is all worn out. So a buddy of mine bought me the replacements because I didn't know you could get a replacement for those things. That's the great thing about Bose is you can, you can, you know, same in aviation, like if your headset

starts acting up, you send it in, they'll actually repair it. So he bought the replacement ones for my Bose headset thing, but I can't get the other ones off because I use crazy glue. Does anybody know how to uncrew? I never even thought to Google it. Let's see if I can do it now. How to un-crazy glue something. How to unsuperglue something. Superglue can be removed from glass, countertops, tiles, and other hard surfaces with rubbing alcohol. Let's see. From plastic. For plastic, lay a damp cloth over the glued areas and secure it tightly.

Alternately soak the glue in vegetable oil or diluted vinegar. Let it sit for a few hours to allow the glue to moisten. I'm going to ruin my headset. Blot the glue with acetones, acetones, or rubbing alcohol and let this substance break down the glue. That's what I'll do. I'll just try blotting it with alcohol. All right. Anyways, that is the podcast everybody. Go Red Sox. Go fuck yourselves. Enjoy the next couple of days. And there's no reason to be afraid of sharks or dentists or to kill 6 million people who didn't do anything to you. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.