Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-24-15

Episode Date: August 24, 2015

Bill rambles about early morning apologies, dreams and shaving your head.

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How's it going? A lovely end of August for all of you. Don't fret. Don't fret with the global warming. We'll have summer weather until like October. Then we'll have epic fucking snowstorms. Then a swarm of mosquitoes signaling that we're going winter to summer. Winter to summer.

That's how it works now. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because that's the natural cycle. You know, throughout the history of the world, the earth has gone through cooling off and heating up parents. There's that argument. And then there's the other argument. We're using too many Q-tips.

They flush them down the toilet. It is choking all the mackerel. You know? And we're causing it. Stop putting a hairspray on your pubes. Right? I have no idea why. All I know is it's towards the end of the summer.

And this is when I get excited for football and baseball all at the same time. Because the games are starting to fucking matter. You know, it just sucks my team's like 12 and a half fucking games out, you know? 12 and a half games out. But before we get into any of that shit, let's talk about the number one controversy in the fucking country. My weight loss. Now, as you know, as of July 5th,

the internet went crazy when they heard that I was quitting drinking. There was a backlash. And whatever, I quit drinking on July 5th. And I've been trying. I was about a buck 87, a buck 88. And I was going to get down to, I was going to lose three pounds a week. Over the next, whatever the fuck that is, whatever that comes out to, like eight weeks or so.

And I was going to get down to 162. And I was going to have a flat stomach. And I was going to have abs and people were going to love me. Right? So what happened? The first two weeks, I went great. 186 down to 183, 183 down to 180, right on schedule. Then I went to fucking Montreal and I got my ass kicked.

I went on the road. I didn't lose it anyway, but I didn't get any weight. Stayed at a buck 80. So I was two and one week, three down to a buck 77 week, four down to a buck 74 week, five down to 171. Now this week, all right. So I'm five and one five and one. Oh, Billy fat tits, turning the bus around, driving away from the bakery.

And over to the salad bar. So this week I needed to be 168.0 to be six and one and have a commanding lead and the AFC ease of pasty tits. All right. And this week I weighed in at 168.8. Oh, big time loss. Oh, six and one would have looked so good on the calendar. Now I'm five and two. I did great up until last night and my wife had somebody, you know, in town that we both knew, you know, they're going to do business or whatever.

And I knew this person sort of business and friends. So we went out and went down to the rainbow room on sunset and I had two old duels. I mean that those have to be of all the empty calories out there. Those have to be the emptiest of them all. And then I had two slices of pizza. I did that around 1011 o'clock and at my age, that's enough to fuck you over. And so whatever. So next week I got to be down to 165.

I don't know how the fuck I'm going to do that. That's almost four pounds. Probably not going to happen. I might have to adjust my goal to 166. In fact, I think I'm going to we'll just say 166 because that'll be 2.8 pounds. Right. So rather than me getting discouraged by not making 165 will be psyched to be 166. And I know what you're thinking.

Like Jesus Christ, Bill, that's like when they give every fucking dumb kid a goddamn trophy because he ran down the street with his fucking shorts on. Right. Whatever the hell they doing. Gym class now. Everybody clap your hands ever clap say hands gets a fucking trophy. I'm not doing that that way. All right.

I'm taking the loss. I'm five and two. You got to have realistic goals here. If I don't hit them, then I go, oh fuck it. I go back to boozing and nothing to not drinking and fucking working out makes Billy a tired boy drinking. I could stay up all night running my fucking. Yep. So anyways, 168.8 and I'm glad that I'm talking about this on the podcast because right now

I think I look great. All right. I fucking, you know, wake up in the morning. I look in the mirror and I go, God damn, that is one good looking son of a bitch. Right. I like the way I look right now. It's been a while. So the temptation is to stop.

Do boo do boo boo boo. Do they sing that song sunshine on a cloudy day. Start hearing that song. Well, I'll get some chocolate cake. Right. You just start eating like a fucking moron. Do a little bingo bango as Jodorosa says bingo bango, which is a beer in a shot. I believe Jodor one of Jodorosa's friends back home coined that phrase bingo bingo.

And there's a few people doing that last night at the rainbow room and I was like, God damn it. That looks that looks enjoyable. As I look across this sticky table, eating a surprisingly good pizza, surprisingly good slice of pizza for Los Angeles, California at the rainbow room. Seeing somebody do a little bingo bango was like, Oh man. In fact, the last time I did that, I think was at the rainbow room. I don't go there often. But when I do, you know, beer in a shot, you got to do it.

Why else would you go there to look at the Nelson memorabilia? I don't think I do. Is that his base up on the wall? Who knows. All right. Anyways, so 168. That's all right. So next week, I'm going to go for 166.

And then then the following week, I'll be what, let's see, that'd be 163. I'll be a pound short. So I'll have to go an extra couple of days. And that's what I get. That's what I get for drinking a couple of o-duels, which I got to tell you for non alcohol. It's not that bad. It's not good. You know what I mean?

The emptiest of all empty calories. What a fucking moron, right? Oh, anyways, I, um, hey, by the way, my phone is acting up here. I got the fucking iPhone six. So I'm supposed to be with all the cool kids here with all the brand new shit. For some reason, this thing, yeah, I just lost all my fucking text messages. But it's saying I have three. And then it keeps telling me to sign into iCloud, which I don't want to do.

And I keep hitting cancel and then it keeps popping up again. This is how to make that go away. Make the world go away. Make that fucking thing go away. I would, uh, I would really appreciate it. Messages. What did I do here? How come I'm not getting my messages?

So, you know, what you want to do is click on the settings. The settings fucking thingamajiggy there. I have no idea what's going on here. I have the iPhone six. What happened? Did I sweat on it? Did I drop it in a fish tank? There we see it.

Yeah. Did you drop it? Oh yeah, I just fucking spiked it on the ground, pal. Are you not supposed to do that with the phones? Yeah, I wasn't sure. So anyways, um, let's see, what do I weigh? I weigh 168.8. So I'm going for 166.

The back of my head, I'm still going for 165. Uh, and also I'm going to ride this bike that I just got fucking redone. Fixed up or whatever, uh, a couple of times this week. Just cause every time I look at it, I hear Verzi's voice now going, dude, you never got it. You're never going to ride it. That is the biggest fucking waste of money. And you know what? Every time I think he's right, I picture Paul Verzi on a bicycle and I just started dying

laughing and I realized he doesn't ride a bike. Paul Verzi never rode a bike. You know what I mean? He likes four doors to dance. Anybody likes a four door sedan does not like a bicycle. You know, the, the, what the kind of motor trend? He's the kind of guy that if he bought a motorcycle, he didn't want to get a fucking three wheeler. Right?

Am I an asshole here? I still realize you're exposed when you ride those things, but I think the only people who should ride those are really old bikers who spent four to five decades riding on two wheels. Then they're just too old, you know, too brittle to get back out there in their old horse. So, but they still love riding. So you get them the fucking trike, you know, you get them the three wheeler, right? Seeing these fucking, every time I see a fucking young punk on one of those things, they're always looking over their shoulder and somebody in like a fucking German four door sports car

sports car, four door sedan is always chasing them. It's happened to me three times out here. I see some kid in one and he comes roaring up to the red light and he's frantically looking over his shoulder and then some kid in like a white BMW was chasing him. It's like fucking grand theft auto. Actually, I only saw it one time, but recently I saw another kid pull up to a red light and a three wheeler and he fucking looked over his shoulder. So within my head, not only was it happening again, I added another one almost like bankers

when you deposit 100 bucks and then they loan out that 100 bucks like fucking 90 different to 90 different people and just counterfeit 800 bucks out of the fucking air, right? Anyway, so this is the Monday morning podcast for this week and I got to make sure I fucking eat well this fucking week. I got to do this. I got to see this thing through. I got to get down to a buck 62. Other than that, my fucking summers getting about ready to get fucking great with football

coming around. I can't fucking believe it's almost here. You know, I am so Jones and for sports right now that I actually taped. If you wonder about my weird breathing, I had a fucking burrito today. I'm just I'm going off the rails, but I'm talking about it out loud here. So I don't fuck up. You know what happens? First day you look in the mirror like, dude, I look good.

I look fine. Right. And that part of your brain goes, hey, let's go to McDonald's. You know what? I think I will. But I actually watched Serena Williams in the semifinals of that Cincinnati tournament and I didn't see it today. I kind of got into all these obscure tournaments.

I only used to watch like the finals of the majors, but right now I'm reading Andre Agassi's book open, which I highly fucking recommend, especially for somebody who's trying to accomplish something or if you fucking hate tennis. The way he describes what you go through mentally, God, I can't stop yawning. What you go through mentally when trying to win a tournament or just trying to get better or not get psyched out because you're the new kid and you're playing against John McEnroe's or some fucking legend. It's an incredible book.

So I started and what has fascinated me more than the majors has been all these what I consider jerk off tournaments that I never paid attention to, Indian Wells, Cincinnati, you know, the clay season. I only thought there was just a French open and that's it. And he was like saying that there's the clay season, the grass season, they got all these other fucking obscure tournaments and you know what I love most about them, plenty of fucking seats. Jesus Christ, you could have just walked into Cincinnati and sat down and watched whoever

the fuck you wanted tremendous. So I watched Serena win and today she won the whole thing and Roger Federo so one and I guess he's looking young, you know, look like he's rewinding the clock there and the U.S. opens around the corner making you guys young. I don't know what's going on with me. I don't know what's going on here. You know, it is. I ate a bunch of shit food.

My body's reacting to it right now. It's fucking just shutting everything down, you know, like when you close all the extra apps because it's sucking off your fucking battery there. You know what I mean? I think that's what my brains do right now. All right, let's shut it down and deal with this fucked up thing and just put in our stomach. This is the priority. Everything else like consciousness doesn't fucking matter anymore.

So anyways, I'm actually psyched to watch to watch the U.S. open and actually to watch tennis on a level that I never watched it before, which is basically to pay attention to is they, this is the person keep hitting to the other person's forehand to their back hand. They hit it right at him. Where do they put it in the box when they fucking serve it, you know, there's a person cheat in. I used to watch that though.

If they cheated in, you know, if they're standing a few feet behind the baseline, then on the second serve, are they inside the baseline and that type of shy, you know, I never used to pay attention to that shit, but it actually makes tennis way more enjoyable to watch. And so whatever, you know, I'm not a big reader, but I'm actually enjoying the Andre Agassi book there. So anyways, Jesus, 14 fucking minutes, I just babbling, babbling. So anyways, did anybody watch? I was on Conan this week.

I want to thank everybody over there once again, had a fucking awesome time. How great is Conan, man? The guy just rolls with it every time you get out there. And as you noticed, I was hyping the Madison Square Garden show, which is obviously a big deal for me. And oh, wait a minute. I already talked to him. Did I kind of talk about this?

Oh, I said who was going to be on it and whatnot, whatever. That's fun though. That shit is always fun doing fucking panel. It's a lot easier than coming out there and doing fucking stand up. You know what I mean? We just had to go out there and host the show, going out and doing panels easy. You just sit down. If you get someone cool like Conan, he just fucking sets you up, just tease you up the

whole time, you know, and then if you're on a nice run, he lets you go. And then if you fucking fall in your face, he jumps in, he saves you, right? Him and Andy. So once again, thanks to everybody over there. I had a fucking awesome time as always. And all right, oh, let's get to the big fucking thing of this week that affected my life, the big controversy, the big blowback in this comedy climate that we live in, which obviously what I'm talking about.

And I've kind of been dancing around it for the first 14 minutes because I've been debating about whether or not to talk about this and just throw more gas on the fire or just let it burn itself out. Of course, what I am talking about is ESPN retracting their statements and apologizing to the New England Patriots at 12 20 in the fucking morning. Can you fuck? Can you fucking believe that is ESPN not the biggest bunch of fucking pussies ever? First of all, they re reported a story that was retracted in 2007 and it's that classic

one that, oh, some guy heard a rumor that somebody said that the Patriots filmed the Rams walkthrough before the Super Bowl. That story came from the Boston Herald. It was retracted in like fucking 2007, according to the three seconds of fucking research that I did before I did this podcast ESPN, I evidently recently repeated it. I never watch ESPN anymore. They somebody tweeted it to me. That's how I actually know about this shit.

So I guess they brought it up again as if it hadn't been retracted and proven false. So then they had egg on their face and rather than apologizing during the time of day when they fucking first reported it, they did it quickly at 12 20 in the fucking morning. What a bunch of babies, you know, so there you go, everybody, all you Patriot haters. Have you noticed all the all the paint peeling off your fucking arguments? How about this? How about this? We're the best fucking football team in the NFL for the last 15 years and we got the trophies

in the rings to prove it. All right. Other than that, you can get on your knees and suck a giant fucking dick with your bullshit fucking arguments. All of it from spy gate, right to the flake gate, the film and practices, all of it is a bunch of fucking bullshit spy gate might be the worst one ever. If you ever do any research on it and Google some of the best coaches in the league talking about filming other fucking teams, putting binoculars on them, a veritable who's who

of Hall of Fame coaches talking about doing it. So fuck all you guys and I can't hear you. I can't hear you anymore because I know you're just going to have to retract it soon enough. But by all means, keep giving Seattle, you know, where their own owner fucks over his own fan base with the alleged large beer and small beer, building a stadium that makes his team sound louder than they actually are an old squeaky clean fucking Pete Carroll. Oh yeah, there's a fucking altar boy for you. I'm sure nothing.

You know, what he got busted for doing something little gamesmanship last year, having people reporting to practice before they should have to try to get some extra advantage. That's all right. That's just because he's so dedicated there. They're not cheating out there. Now I'm the Raiders. The Cowboys has a couple of squeaky clean fucking franchise. Give me a fucking break.

Fuck all you guys. Fuck all you fucking year. Fuck all you. All right. We are the champions again. I love it. I love it. ESPN with their tail between their fucking legs.

12 12 20 in the fucking morning. Oh yeah, by the way, all that stuff we said about the pages was bullshit. Anyway, shameless ESPN who fan the flames of that fucking deflate gate after they fucking after they did a study and proved that it was a disadvantage and then they tried to quickly take it down. Oh, you fucking whores better than it, better than it there. Go fuck yourselves. All right.

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There you go. Two more reads. We'll do those later. Speaking of fucking me on these, I went and visited a friend of mine today. I'm down on Manhattan Beach and I have a number of friends that have recently moved out there and they keep telling me, oh dude, you got to fucking move out here. It's awesome. You know, you can walk around everything's fucking cool.

First time I go down there, there's this crazy homeless guy, right? Who will just be walking around muttering and then out of nowhere, he just fucking yell so loud and like throw this crazy punch and every time it scared the fuck out of me and I knew it was coming. He'd be just walking. I'm going to have this. Yeah. No, you just kept going back and you just fucking throw this punch and every time it

made me give me like a little fucking heart attack, like what's his face in Biloxi blues and so I'm thinking, all right, it's nighttime. You know, the beach is just like, you know, it just attracts so many fucking losers. You know, because their whole deal is like, even if I fuck up, I can still survive and live outside, curl up in the warm sand. You know what I mean? So anyways, I'm walking down there today with my buddy, it's during the day and it's more like family time and I'm walking down the fucking street, right?

And there's like these two fucking girls. I don't know how old they were, but they didn't have any curves yet and they're wearing these bikinis and they got like three quarters of their ass that they don't even have yet hanging out of the back of it. And I'm looking at my buddy and I'm going like, dude, why are those little girls like that? They were like fucking 12 walking with their asses. What the fuck is wrong with parents today?

I want to walk up to their parents and just be like, that's okay with you. Do you ever watch to catch a predator? What the fuck are you doing? Can you put your kids asses away, please? Fucking worst parent. They literally should, they, somebody should just come up and just, I don't know what. What do you fucking just dump a bucket of ice water over their parents head and just scream, wake up.

You know, people, if you have young children, can you cover them up? Jesus Christ. That was so creepy. It should have been in one of those fucking, uh, who's a guy who does, it used to be Calvin Klein had the creepy fucking prepu's brescent fucking kids like locked in the cellar. Remember those fucking commercials and it was like the guy off camera, just being like, so what do you like to do for fun? Oh yeah.

Those jeans are kind of falling off your hips, aren't they fucking awful? That awful commercial, my favorite one ever, Jim, the taxi driver that Donnell Loog did. You ever see when he did? I can't find it, but he did a parody of that and he was sitting there with like his pants have pulled down answering the questions of some creepy guy off. Oh, it's fucking hilarious. But then the latest American apparel, you know, that creepy fucking feeling you get if you're any sort of a human being, when you look at an American apparel ad, you know, I actually

tweeted about it one time, you're pulling up to it and you know, the old man, you're fucking pulling up with your bad eyes going, Jesus, look at the ass on that. He's only 12, right? That's the same thing. That's the same fucking feeling today. It's like, what the why? Who's the fucking creep that makes a bathing suit for a little girl like that? You know, I don't know.

Whoever it is, he goes by uncle. That's always a fucking, that's always a dead giveaway. When somebody's in their 40s, they're not married, right? And they're still hanging out with people half their age and they go, oh, just call me fucking uncle, whatever. That's when you immediately have to leave. And if there's any drink in the room, don't drink it. Right?

My fucking nuts. That's just what I believe. Parents, I mean, who am I? I don't have any fucking kids. I shouldn't say it, but for the love of God, you know, if your kids like, you know, if you add your kids age, it's like, you know, you're not going to have kids, you know, like under five, you know, one plus two, three, you know what I'm saying? That probably the math done.

I shouldn't use a math equation. I'm too fucking dumb for that. I'm just saying, you know what the fuck I'm saying, and then it makes you feel like a fucking creep. It's like, would you get that out of here, please? Horrific. Horrific parenting. Um, all right, let's, let's plow ahead here.

The fuck else was I going to talk about? I think that's, that's it. Said all I have to. I apologize lately. These fucking podcasts I have absolutely nothing to talk about because I've just been in a fucking edit room. Um, oh, I can't tell you this, uh, the drum lessons have been going fucking great. Trying to get that molar method thing down finally after all these goddamn years.

Let's see if I can actually, uh, sign in at iCloud, sign in at the fucking iCloud. What the fuck is this thing? Now I can't even look at my photos. Ah, Jesus. Does anybody know what's, what's, what is better than the iPhone or what's comparable to it? So anyways, right now I'm going through that book, the art of bop drumming by John Riley. I'm just fucking with two, two lines on one page and it's blowing my mind all the different

ways you can play it. So, uh, I'm going to have fun for the rest of the year here. Anyways, we know who's getting it. Why don't I just fucking get to the goddamn questions and I'll fucking go from there. Somebody sent me this thing, teams react to encyclopedias, you know, cause they all grew up on computers and shit and they're looking at them like, what the fuck are these? And, uh, I really wanted to laugh at them that they didn't understand or thought encyclopedias were stupid, but they, uh, 20 seconds into it as I was just like, this is what I sound

like when I'm trying to use an iPhone or any sort of computer. So I can't make fun of them, right? That wouldn't be fair. To be honest with you, I understood encyclopedias and I sucked at those too. That was a big deal though. If you were any sort of a fucking nerd, man, and you got encyclopedias, then they came out with more specific ones, like ones that were just dedicated to sports. I would fucking read those all goddamn day, all goddamn day and like, you know, my parents

and everybody would get them, get mad like, what are you going to get out of that fuck? What are you going to get out of that? It's like, I don't know. Maybe someday there'll be a 24 hours sports network that I could get a job and make millions of dollars a year and say things that aren't true and then retract it at one in the morning. Support a coke habit and get some whores. I mean, who knows? There's all kinds of shit that could happen here.

Um, but watching that just took me back to those days of having to do fucking book reports and all of that. Oh my God, book report. I was just waiting to do it. There was always that fucking kid that just had the fucking ability to just go home, read the book and get it done and just get on with their life and I would just sit there staring at the book walking by it every day. Like it was like, uh, I don't know, my deuce's head, like I was going to turn to stone if

I fucking looked at the thing. I really wish I, you know, if I could go back and do my life over again, there's just so much shit that I just would have faced immediately and just gotten it over with from fucking ass kickings to book reports to, uh, the molar method, playing drums, just sitting down and dedicating fucking three months of my life to get a little bit of muscle memory so that it slides in eventually to my playing and just say, okay, the next three months are going to fucking suck with it's going to be slow increments of growth. And when I come out the other side, I'm going to be really excited about, I just wish I

had that when I was a kid. And it's something that I've slowly developed as I've gotten older, especially once you get out of school and you actually get to start choosing things that you want to do as opposed to having to do, um, you know, get my helicopter license and shit like that, um, you know, back in the day, that would have just ate me up. I would have saw all those assignments and be like, I have to remember shit. Fuck this man. And I would just try to make people laugh in the fucking class.

And then that would be it. Next thing I was in summer school with a pouty look on my face, like I wasn't there because of me. Like somehow I had been fucking wrong. So anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here. But if you can develop that, you know, on any fucking level, it makes your day so much less stressful. You ever just make a list of shit you have to get done and you wake up and you just do

it and then you look and it's like fucking 1130 in the morning. You got the whole rest of your day. You know, that's a great way to spend your day and it's also a great way to actually develop a drinking problem because then you got the whole fucking day. You got no responsibility. Mine as well. Get shitfaced. Right.

Speaking of boozing, I do when I don't, I miss it at night. I don't miss it during the morning hours or when I step on the scale, I don't miss it. But I have to tell you this and you can call me a snob. My wife is totally into that American greed. And one of the things that I find these guys constantly spending money on, we're just blowing money on is doing like $1,000 shots of cognac, cognac, however the fuck you say it. And me and Jason Lawhead did $100 shots one time. One time we said, fuck it.

We both did a show. You know, I had sold some posters. He sold some fucking CDs and we had some merch money and we were just like, fuck it. Let's just take the merch money. Let's blow it on one shot. Let's fucking taste this shit. And it was unbelievable. And you know, unlike whiskies that seem to only go up to about, I don't know, 20, 25

years, like bourbons, like those cognacs can go, I mean, as far as I know, I saw some on the internet because I was looking them up that went back hundreds of years. Is that true? I know wine can go back like that. But I was wondering, anybody out there currently embezzling money from a company and can recommend, you know, obviously I'm not going to do a $1,000 shot. But can you recommend some, you know, dipping my toe in the water when I come off this thing? Because as you're hearing this, I'm 50 days in to my 72 day stay of no fucking alcohol.

I'm already 50 days in. A little quick, it goes. So when I come out of it, man, I would really love to, I would really love to try something like that. Because with that shit, you just sit in there like, I remember when they poured the shot, I was almost afraid I was going to spill it. I forget how it was like 60 years old. I'm like, oh my God, this is like, I forget how old I was at the time.

I was like, this, this is like 15 years older than me. Like this thing was put into the barrel, whatever they do, when like Harry Truman was still in the, like he was just, well, I can't know. It's true early, was Truman in early fifties, I think. Yeah, the early fifties, I think Truman was in office, right? Um, well, let's see, he finished World War two, dropped a bomb that was like 46. Nineteen, Jesus Christ, be able to fucking Internet's right in front of you. Can you stop torturing the goddamn listeners?

Who the fuck was president in 1952? I'm going with Truman. I thought it went FDR Truman and then Eisenhower. Um, U.S. president, 1952, and it is Harry S. Truman, go fuck yourself, bam. That guy looks like somebody I wouldn't fuck with, man. That's just something about those round rimmed glasses. You know what he looks like? He looks like the actor that played the warden in the fucking Shawshank Redemption, doesn't he?

I wonder if he called up Japan after he dropped the second one. Do you like that second one or am I being obtuse? Um, anyways, what the fuck am I talking about? What am I talking about? Oh, I'm talking about the cognac. I was almost afraid to fucking spill it, and then also you didn't want to drink it really fast. You wanted to like savor it. So I'm thinking when I go back to Boozen,

so I'm not bingo bang, bingo in the whole fucking time. I'm actually just sipping it nice and slow, like nice and slow. So that's the way to do it. Nice and slow, um, Fred Flintstone. Um, for those of you who are my age and that you were like, what the fuck is that from? Where the fuck is that from? I don't want to torture you. That was from the Fred Flintstone episode when Fred got mugged and the guy was telling

the reach in to grab his stegosaurus wallet, right? And he was going nice and slow. See, that's the way to do it. Nice and slow. Remember the guns? Like the barrel was made out of a, like a hollowed out tree branch. And then you just with, I don't know, the tendon of a bird, you stretch back to fucking rock. I guess that would kill you back then.

I had no idea. Did you know that caveman's had pistols? I love the fucking caveman diet, by the way. Everybody's a caveman diet. This is what caveman eight. Yeah. Yeah. They probably ate worms and they ate ants.

They probably ate anything that they could fucking get the goddamn hands on. The dirty, filthy hands. And then they died of some intestinal virus when they were like 15. You know, I love the caveman diet. Like who the fuck knows what they ate? Did they draw a picture of it on the inside of a cave? How the fuck do you know what that is? They should call that our guess of the caveman diet.

All right. Well, let's see. We know Fritos weren't around back then. Cross those off the list. Like, do you honestly think that there was like, like where the fuck was cantaloupe? Where was an avocado? What the fuck was any of that shit? You just walking around trying not to get eaten.

You grab a stick, you stab something. I would think that you're eating fucking roadkill. You're hunting shit and then you're just eating stuff. You're sticking your slam in your face in a stream. Right. Trying to be upriver of somebody else who's down there with his fucking prehistoric goddamn balls and taint in the fucking water. I don't know.

Who knows what the fuck they ate. I'm so sick of people telling me about the goddamn caveman diet. Yeah, it's a caveman diet. I have an egg over easy. All right. Let's get on with the questions here for this week. Lady fan. Lady.

Hey, ladies. Hey there, Bill. I'm a lady fan and I'm excited. What? And I'm seeing you for the first time in Chicago in October. So excited. See what my brain does? It's reading one sentence while it's looking at words in the next line below.

I don't want my fucking problems here. My husband has been acting weird about us coming to see your show. I think it's because a few weeks ago we were watching one of your specials and I said you were my celebrity crush. Oh, Jesus. My husband chose Scarlett Johansson. Nice fucking choice. I like this guy.

Of course, I would never cheat on my husband, but I'm afraid if I enjoy your show too much, he's going to give me a side eye look or bring it up later. Can you please put his mind at ease? Why do I have to put his mind at ease? Why don't you quit picking people that are attainable? He went Scarlett Johansson. There's no way he's going to get anywhere near her.

You picked some fucking dope that tells dick jokes in a strip mall. No wonder he's looking at you fucked up. How dare you make a fucking mess and then tell me to mop it up? What is in it for me? Yeah, what are we talking about? I don't put him at ease. What are you going to do? Run up on the stage?

I'm going to do the show and then I'll be out the fucking door because I'm drinking again. Oh, baby. I'm drinking again. Right? I don't know. You shouldn't have said that. Like, look, if my wife, if I asked her what is her celebrity crush and she says Brad Pitt,

she says fucking Denzel, I don't give a fuck. She might as well be picking a man on the moon, right? But is she named like a fucking comedian? That performs at the comedy store like I do? Yeah, I would be like, well, what the fuck? You could you could bang that person while I was on stage. The next time I'm at the store. Yeah.

So that's on you, sweetheart. What you should say is, oh, did I say Bill Burr? I meant Raymond Burr. Yes, the dead fat guy. Yeah, that guy, that's what I'm. So why was I saying? Why was I saying? Or Billy Bush?

That's what I meant. Hi, I'm Billy Bush. All right. She closes the thing with, you know, I just want to have a good time at your show without worrying about him being weird. You created the weirdness. All right. Okay.

Being a landlord from a lady, this is two letters from a lady. This is a fucking, this is a record here. Dear Billy Buttercheeks, you've been talking about becoming a landlord lately. So I thought I'd write to you about what it's like to be one. Please don't step on my dream. Okay. And before I even read this, I know that if it's as big a nightmare as everybody claims it would be, no one would be a fucking landlord.

All right. All right. First, know that your property will be destroyed. You need to prepare yourself to watch it get trashed over and over again, because your tenants either by negligence, by ignorance, parentheses, not letting you know when something's wrong until it's very, very wrong, or in spite when they vacate. The feeling of seeing your property ruined over and over again sucks and it's expensive.

Second, someday you will have to evict somebody. That sounds easy, but it's not, especially for anybody with a heart. And I know you have a big heart. You can't hide it from me. I'm from Ohio. The first time someone burst into tears upon being served an eviction notice and spins their sob story, well, you might not believe them. You might go ahead and evict them, but you will forever wonder if you did the right thing.

And if it's an elderly person or a disabled veteran, forget it. How can you do that? You can't. Yeah, there's no way I could do that. I own properties in Seattle and Portland, and with all the Californians fleeing the drought, they were only going to appreciate and value. But climate change refugees are going to be desperate people, and I didn't want to take advantage of their plight.

I didn't want to become that person. Someone will no doubt, but it won't be me. I don't have the heart. So think about it twice. Sure, it seems like easy money, and sociopaths will tell you it's no sweat with a good lawyer, but you have to be very detached emotionally. I wasn't capable of that, so I sold out. There are so many other ways to invest your money, just my two cents.

I'm a lady, so feel free to toss in this, to toss this in the trash. Come on, go fuck yourself. All right. All right, well, it seems like you didn't have the heart, so you got out of it. Yeah, that would hurt me if people fucked it up. Whenever I fucked up, I had a dog. I have a dog, and she fucked it all up. And before I left, I got everything fixed, and they were really surprised.

Because when I went to move out, they were going, yeah, but before you move out, we need to inspect that damage, because somebody came over and fixed the sink, saw all the damage, like the wood moldings and that type of shit in one of the windows with my dog, with its separation anxiety tore it all up. But I had it all fixed before I left, out of respect, and then also knowing that landlords will go down to Home Depot and spend 20 bucks and then charge me my entire fucking deposit.

So I eliminated that from the equation. I'm still going to become a landlord. I think it's a great fucking investment, and I do have the heart to give people a break, and I also think I know when someone's bullshit me. Yeah, you know what I mean? Pay your fucking rent or beat it. You got to get in that mindset. You know what I think it is? I think people who really are landlords and don't give a fuck and look at shit

is bricks and mortar and are black and white, probably do the best in that business. And so I think you got to do that. You know what I mean? You got to watch the movie Heat and listen to Da Nero talk about how you got to be willing to walk away at any second. You got to be willing to evict somebody and just fucking walk away. All right, Bill.

Okay, thank you for doing the podcast. Easy for people to take that. You could be a little more reliable uploading Thursdays, though. All right, here we go. I actually fucked up that guy's joke. He was trying to act like he was going to be cool here. Thank you for doing the podcast. Easy for people to take for granted slash bust your balls on Twitter,

but know that they are appreciated. The podcasts are appreciated. You could be a little more reliable uploading Thursdays, though. Still being a cunt. All right, I've been steadily losing my hair for the last couple of years. It's getting to the point where I'm thinking each haircut might be the last before I start buzzing at all. Kind of crossing my fingers that there's still a comprehensive head of hair

when the barber spins the chair around. I've come as close as I can to making peace with the life of baldness, not thrilled about being here at 30. And women slash guys with hair don't really get what a bummer it can be. But what are you going to do? My question, how do I talk about this with my wife? We have discussed it whatsoever as she is able to sense my discomfort with the topic and has never tried to force the dialogue.

My wife and I have an honest relationship and have openly discussed topics much more awkward with actual real world ramifications. All right, so you've talked about having a threesome. Ah, shit. All right, it's also not like she can't see the hairline's going, but I've built up a whole awkward wall around the topic and I'm not sure how to slice through it. Did you have any conversations with Nia prior to hacking off what was left

to your hair? Any words of wisdom from the post buzz world? Hoping to catch you at a future Steve Allen theater slash comedy store gig. Best of luck at Madison Square Garden. Thank you very much. Um, yeah, it was actually Nia's idea because I kind of wanted to do it. And, uh, she was like, you should do it. You should do it.

I was like, oh, you know, because the big thing is what kind of head do I have? Because you don't want to have that flat fucking thing in the back. You know what I mean? Well, the back of your head goes straight into your fucking neck. Um, so I started saying that I was going to do it and she just kept fucking singing this song. Nia, I got to bring her in here. She kept saying, she goes, shave your head. Shave, shave your head.

Come on now. Every time I would walk by and then she just yell, shave it. Just do it. Fucking shave it. Hold on a second. See if I can get her in here. Hey, Nia. Come here.

I need you on the podcast. I gotta, I gotta, I gotta bring this, uh, I gotta bring this one back. This guy, right? He's losing his hair. He's like 30 years old. All right. He's almost to the point where he's gonna, he's gonna shave his head and he was saying, Cal, because I did it.

You know what I mean? He doesn't see, but he doesn't talk about it with his wife. And she knows that he's sensitive. So he's built like this awkward wall, but it's just totally obvious. And they were saying, did you ever have a conversation with Nia about shaving my head? And as far as I remember, it was your idea, right? It was. Do you remember that song you used to sing?

No. Shave your head. Shave, shave your head. Yeah. Remember that? And I would laugh. I forgot about that. Yeah.

And then I finally went ahead and did it. I will tell you this. When was the first time, how long? Come here, come over here. When was it that you did it for the first time? How long ago? Get on the mic here. Um, about nine years ago was the first time I did.

And then when I did date night, they asked me to grow it back. And I was like, and I was like, I was like going, well, there's not much to grow back. And they were like, yeah, we'll fill it in. We'll fill it in or whatever. So I was like, all right. And then I grew it back. And then I kept it for a while because I started thinking like, this is why I'm getting, uh,

acting roles, which is the dumbest thing you can do. It's not because of my skills. It's because of my hair. Yeah, it's a balding, which was stupid. And, um, I'll tell you, it's the greatest fucking thing. If you're bought, it's the greatest fucking thing you'll ever do. And I'm actually reading Andre Agassi's book where he was talking about. I didn't know he wore a fucking hairpiece.

And one time he was in the shower before the French opened final and he was in the shower and his whole hairpiece came apart. So they had to fucking glue the thing back together. So he went out in the court and played this guy. He could have beaten the whole time. He was worried that his fucking hairpiece was going to come flying off like a three stooges episode. You know, fucking embarrassing. That would have been terrible.

Yeah. He talks about how, uh, I guess Brooke Shields finally convinced him to do it. And he did it. And then he felt great. Yeah, I will tell you, it's, it's the greatest, it's the greatest thing ever. The greatest fucking thing you could, all these fucking guys going out and, and like fucking slicing up the back of their heads. I have in the shit vacuumed out and then parrot troops on top of their head.

Like most of that shit, it works for a minute. And, but then the thing is, is like those, they go, the hairs in the back of your head don't, um, those things never fall out. So if you put them on the top of your head, then you're okay. But the thing is, is you still have all that other hair up there that's going to fall out. So that shit falls out and then you need more fucking replacements. And then sometimes you can actually, it can like not work as far as I know. So I'm a big fucking, uh, I don't know.

I'm a big just, I think it's a fucking way better move. I actually, it's the man move. You're fucking dealing with the, the hand you've been dealt. You just do it. This is what I look like. People go, what the fuck for a few days. And then they think you look when they see pictures of you with hair, they think you look weird. And then you're free.

You're fucking free. So rather than going there to the barber every time and putting your head down as he cuts it and then open your eyes, go, what does it look like now? Just fucking get it over with, get it over with, dude. Shave your fucking head. What are you saying, needy? Shave it. Yeah.

Shave it. It's fucking awesome. And you love it. You know what's great? No matter how late you wake up for work, you can just throw on clothes and get there. No one will know you didn't take a shower because you don't have bed head anymore. Bye, needy. Bye.

All right. Hey, should, oh, I'm not going to talk. We're, me and Nia actually considering doing a project together. Might write a book, but it's not the kind of book you think it's not about us. So is that dumb? Is that dumb to get in a business? Why? Why would it be?

You know what I mean? Why not? You know, I never get divorced or taken for half. I got so I might, she might as well fucking be helping me create, you know. She could tell she's not in the room anymore. All right. Let's, let's read. Let's read the last of the advertising.

Shave your head buddy. You're going to, you're going to feel fucking great. You will feel great. And this is the thing, dude, someday who knows? And I'm going to lie to you someday if they just came up with a fucking pill and you popped it in there and it made you, gave you the shits for three days, but all of a sudden you fucking had this fucking great head of hair. I'd, you know, even that I wouldn't do.

I'd wait 10 years to see how people fucking, you know, if their livers fell out. Actually, you know, I got to be honest with you. I'm a lifer with the shaved head. I am. I don't give a fuck. What are you going to do? You know, this is what I look like. Deal with it.

Another great thing is if you fucking shave your head, people sometimes think, you know, a little bit of mixed martial arts, but then they look at your perfect ears and they're like, no, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. But that might be just enough time to give you to run away. That's a true story. All right. Legal zoom, everybody.

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And if I can figure it out, so can you right now use my last name burr for this special offer no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr that stamps.com enter burr. By the way, if you guys are going to go to a comedy club out here, you got to go down to the comedy store, man.

They got a line around the block. And I think I know why. Listen to this fucking lineup. I was on I went on on the main room Friday night. And I walked in, Mark Marin was on stage who then brought up David Spade, who then brought up Joe Rogan. And then I had to go on after all of those fucking monsters. It's unbelievable, dude.

The comedy store lately, it's it's get your ass down there. Everybody's been fucking coming through and just insane, insane fucking shows down there. It's fun. You know, and Rogan has been working out like a maniac on on his fucking act. He was destroying in front of me. You know, it's funny as as a comic that's been doing it this long, you know, I always watch Rogan, but I was talking to somebody.

But like subconsciously, you're hearing the laughs. And at one point he was getting this level of laughter that I had to end the conversation and then start making a set list. I'm like, I just can't just walk on the stage after this fucking mayhem that's going on out there. I actually, I need a game plan here, which is another fucking great reason to go down there. You know what I mean?

All those guys pushing you. All right, let's get, let's read the last couple here. All right, bullied at work. Hi, Billy Buff Boy. I work at an office with several young females, several young ladies. Sounds good, right? Wrong. I'm the only young male here.

So what's wrong? They like to gang, you said gain G A I N gain up on me. It's gang, G A N G gang up on me and constantly put me down or make fun of me. It started out all fun and gains, but some of them have recently become very aggressive and are almost verbally attacking me. What, what, I don't understand. What is the problem here when I have brought it up to them? I've brought it up to them.

It just made it worse and made me more of a target. Yeah, dude. You never got bullied before. The last thing you say to a bully is what you're doing is really bothering me. Just so you know. What can I do to make this situation better without getting management involved? I don't want to get them fired or anything. I just want, I just don't want to be the female punching bag anymore.

Thanks. Um, I don't understand what is going on here. What are they saying to you? If they're giving you shit, you got to give them shit back. You know what I mean? Come on, man. Defeating a fucking woman in a verbal thing. You know, you know where you have to go, but you can't go there

because then they're going to rat you out to the boss. This is what you do. Just walk in, right? Just walk in with your eyes squinting one day. You know, looking like an idiot. Just walk in, just in blinking a lot, just squinting. And walk right up to the one with the smallest chest. And don't do that.

I was just going to say, just do that. And she goes, what are you doing? Just go, I'm trying to see your titties. That's so childish and stupid, but unbelievably effective. And I think, I mean, I'm not going to speak for women here, but what I really think it is, is women realize the unbelievable power that they have over guys with their looks. So if you ever indicate that there is a flaw in their looks,

or that they're starting to slip, it really fucks with them. It's too mean. I don't have fucking sympathy for you. What are they? They're just verbally abusing you. Give them shit back. Give them, what are they saying? Right back to me.

Right back to me. Right back to me. What the fuck, are you one of those kids? Did you always wear a helmet when you rode a bicycle? Did you have play dates? Are you part of that fucking generation, dude? Come on, man, snap out of it. Yeah, I would just be like, hey,

when are you cunts going to stop being such cunts? Something, you got to shoot something across the bow. You got to give them shit, dude. You got to give them shit. Just point it, whatever they're wearing, be like, oh my God, where did you get that? And then just keep walking. That's all you have to do.

That fucks up a woman's day. What do you mean by that? Do you know what I'm thinking? You just give it back to them. Just give it back to them, dude. I don't, you fucking grow a dick and give it back to them, man. Come on. This is like this whole fucking thing.

I'm guessing you're a younger person. Oh, you said a young male. Yeah, you've been completely beaten. You've been completely beaten down to the point where you're now, we went from men beating women with fucking mop handles a hundred years ago to now this, to the point of a complete overcorrection that you're going to sit here and allow yourself to get verbally abused because they're women.

I do like the fact that you don't want to be a rat and rat them out. This is what you got to do. Treat them with the same level of respect they're treating you. I would avoid name-calling and I would definitely not curse. But other than that, I would be just as fucking mean as they are. I just, dude, they're so easy to fuck with. The next time one of them says something to you, just offer some gum and just keep doing it and just being like,

listen, I'm not trying to be a jerk. I don't know what you've been eating late, but I've noticed it over the last few days and just invent in their head that they have this fucking halitosis. That's it. And then you divide and conquer. It's a joke, dude. It's not that fucking hard.

You know what I mean? Just tell them which one you think is the most attractive and why and let the other two losers fucking deal with that. And the other one will actually feel good that you said it about her. So now she's not fucking with you. And then the other two are pissed at the other girl. And then you get some infighting. And don't bring it down to looks.

Just say, you know, just you got it. She has a certain level of class that the other two of you lack. I'm not trying to be a jerk. And you just fucking leave it nice and vague like that. That's all you do. And all I'm doing is taking a page out of their book because women are masters at that vague mind fuck and then walking away. It's a work of art.

I don't even think they have to work at it. They're just born with it. It's tremendous. It probably goes back in the day from when they were dragged around from cave to cave by their fucking hair. They had to say something that mind fucked the hairy douchebag. That was about ready to take advantage of them so they could walk away before he fucking dragged them into the cave.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm just fucking talking all kinds of shit here. All right, let's wrap this thing up here. Career advice. Dear Bilexy of Burr. Oh, that's a great one. And accurate. I've been a high school teacher for the past seven years.

But my dream has always to become a professional writer. Oh, that's awesome. You know, dude, that would be a great life. You molded some young minds and then you became a professional writer. So far, he said, so far, I don't have a teaching job for the upcoming school year. I'm considering no longer having my own classes and instead becoming substitute teacher for the school year. This would give me more time to write and submit my work to literary agents

and hopefully get a big publishing deal. I've had some success so far with writing a published short story and a nomination for a literary prize. Dude, what the fuck are you waiting for? How many more signs of land do you need? This is like Columbus when he fucking sailed over and he saw some tree branches and a couple of birds. You're going to get there.

The problem is that my wife and I still have a lot of student debt that we're repaying and substitute teaching does teaching doesn't pay nearly as much as being a regular classroom teacher. I've put off my dream of becoming a writer for years and I think now may be the time to metaphorically push in all my chips. I might lose, but I might win. No, dude, there's no way. There's no way you lose when you go after a dream.

You don't. It always leads to something better. Always. All right. Dude, fucking substitute teacher. Teach and be a fucking Uber driver. All right. And you know, eat at home more.

Starving artist. I slept on a futon until I was 36. I don't fucking regret any of it. I told you that story a zillion times in this podcast. I was dating this, this woman and I said I had a spot I had to go do and it paid eight dollars at the comic strip during the week. Tuesday night I went down there and I came back. I tried on a new bit and I was doing a and afterwards I was at home in my apartment

and I was doing this silly dance in the kitchen because I had a new bit and I was psyched because I had gone through this period where I wasn't coming up with any new material and she was laughing and then she got a sad look on her face and I said, what's the matter? And she said, I wish I had a job where I only got paid eight dollars yet. I came home and I did a silly dance in the kitchen and I never forgot that dude. So that, you know what I mean? You're going to have to suffer a little bit, but substitute teach Uber. Dude, you got a short story published and you got a nomination for a literary prize.

Come on, man. You know what you're supposed to do. I don't even have to go through the rest of this fucking thing. He goes, my, all right, I'll get to the whole thing. He said, you know, part of me fights against the dream and insists that I have to do the responsible thing and keep teaching. Fuck all of that. Fuck all of the responsible thing to do is to listen to your heart.

My question for you, either in your, either in your career, when you were trying to build an audience and make it as a standup comedian, did you struggle with the financial strain of chasing your dream? Did you ever have to choose between a good paying job or doing standup? How hard was it to work at a shitty job just so you could chase your dream? Did you ever think that maybe you were wasting your time? Any advice or current? I think I answered all of those.

It wasn't hard to work at the shitty job because I was always thinking about the exciting job I was going to do afterwards. And every night that I just went up on stage and if it just went moderately okay, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe, I have to be honest with you, like, I couldn't fucking believe that I was actually doing it. That I was actually, I had a dream and I was making it happen. And I still remember the first time I really went on stage and I actually got in the zone

for what was considered a zone at the level comic I was. And I only was in the zone for about eight seconds. I was at Nick's Comedy Stop in Framingham on Route 9. It doesn't even exist anymore. And I just got on this roll of laughter that I was actually able to pause and fucking be in the moment and enjoy it rather than being like, oh my god, what's my next joke? What's my next joke?

And that fucking feeling can carry you through a fucking shitty job for a week, chasing to get back on stage to feel that again. And then the first time I got $5 for gas money, Freddie Stone, I've told all these stories, Freddie Stone, the excitable boy is what he went by. I did a room for him and he gave me $5 gas money. I probably spent 10 to get there and I couldn't fucking believe it. And I was like, I did that and they gave me this.

I couldn't fucking believe it. At what point, just listen to the sound of my voice as I'm talking about this. Have you ever had that level of excitement doing any other fucking job? That's what it's like when you go after a dream job. So nothing, nothing is worse than not going after it. Okay. And doing the responsible thing and all of that type of shit. And then you sit in your house with all your responsible stuff.

Fuck all of that. It's financially, I did not do the responsible thing. And yeah, I've said all these stories. I fucking used to eat spaghetti every fucking night with a can of fucking prego. And then a bunch of bread and I would just fill myself up on that. Or I go to Denny's and I get the five stack of pancakes and just pour it in my stomach like concrete. So I wouldn't have to eat the whole fucking day

and do stand up at some cafeteria at some fucking college. And quitting never entered my mind. I just kept trying to get better at it because as bad as some of those gigs were, the great ones were way better. So you'll have all of these stories just in a literary way. So without a doubt, you have to fucking do it. And I can tell you right now, man, like with what you've already accomplished, like to me, I would be thinking like, I'm gonna, I can affect way more people

and make way more fucking money and live a fucking dream being a professional writer. I mean, that'd be unbelievable, be unbelievable. So not to say there's anything wrong with teaching, but if teaching isn't your dream, that's just the job you're doing. So I'm not shitting on teachers out there. It's one of the most underrated jobs and of course, most underpaid jobs ever. But I'm just trying to amp you up here. So go out and fucking do it and email me when you get published,

because I think you're gonna, I don't think you, you know, look, if you're a bunch up again, bunch of other shit writers and you won one thing, but you got two things going on here. All right, give me a fucking break. All right, you just need to push yourself out of the fucking bush, not the bush, the nest, the bush. That was oddly gross. All right, that's the fucking podcast for this week.

Oh, this fucking burrito is fucking with me. Oh, the hiccups. What did I do? Back on the horse, back on the horse, back on the horse. All right, go to the gym every day. It's just the cup. Put your head if you don't want to be fat. Yeah, you go to the gym every day.

You cut. All right, hit the gym hard. Go after your dreams. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you. I'm Thursday. See ya.