Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-24-20

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

Bill rambles about Chappelle's camp in Ohio, the East India Trading Company, and funeral arrangements.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, August 24th, 2020. What is going on and how are you? How is it going? People, you know, it's getting towards the end of the summer, right? It's one of the last weekends where you can wear your white on whites. Do you think that's going to move with global warming? Is that an idea I'd discussed before? I don't know. I woke up this morning and for some reason I had filthy Sinatra songs in my head, you know, which is basically Frank Sinatra songs, but you can't remember the words. So, you know, if you're ignorant like me, just throwing curse words too. I just been walking around my house just singing like,

Come fly with me, you big fat fucking whore. And if you stew something else and you fucking snore, then I'm kicking you out of my suite because it's the 1960s and I'm running fucking shit. Come fly with me, you're weighing down the plane. Something like that. My wife's going, what the fuck are you, you didn't say what she goes, what are you saying, the chiller. I was like, I am singing from America's songbook. All right. America's songbook. Some of the classics. Anyways, how's everybody doing? I had a wonderful relaxing weekend. I did the Camp Chappelle thing this past weekend out in Yellow Springs, Ohio. And I had an amazing time, got out there Wednesday, brought the whole family, got tested before I got on the

plane, got tested afterward, you know, went out Wednesday, I wasn't even supposed to be on the show, jumped on that show. And I just had a great time. It was such an amazing mix of just comedians, rappers, poets, musicians, the whole thing. And I just felt like everybody was sort of pushing each other. And yeah, I saw this rapper, I'm gonna repost whatever the hell the kids do. The hashtag with the with the at symbol. Incredible rapper. And I was glad I did not have to go on after him. I am white enough, I don't need to be following that's that level of heat. Just had a great time. And I really want to thank Dave, he was so ridiculously generous to myself, my family, everybody involved. And it was so much fun to be doing stand up, getting

laughs. And there was like no phones, everybody's phone was locked. And it was a level of freedom and stand up that I have not felt since white female comedians has started complaining. I actually felt like as an American, I could go on stage and say whatever I wanted, which I remember fondly. Well, all the way back last time, maybe six, seven years ago, then all of a sudden, all these put upon white females. It's so hard to be a white woman in the United States of America. All of a sudden, I don't know what happened. You know, we need to make this fairer. And in the process of them making stand up fair, I am now not allowed to say whatever it is I want to say. This is progressive people, fellow comics censoring, and making you afraid to say what you want to say on

stage. I don't I don't get it. But that's what it is. That's what it is. And now what's funny is now they're experiencing what they created. And now they're tweeting that they're afraid to tweet. It's the funniest fuck it. It's like you helped build this fucking House of Horrors. Now you're gonna walk away. I always used a roller blade analogy. It always works rollerblading. We all did it. One homophobic joke. Everybody walks away and act like they never did it. And the oceans just littered with all of our sins. I just had a great, great time smoked a few too many cigars out here. And I really just saw like, you know, I really have to address the ignorance. I think the ignorance of flyover states is is, you know, always talked about not saying there's not ignorance out there. Of

course, there is. Of course, is you got a bunch of people talking about a bunch of people that aren't even anywhere near them, you know, the usual shit, and then people on the coast, they talk down to the people, you know, calling flyover states, flyover states, you've never spent a week in one. I'm going to tell you right now, haven't been out here in Ohio, the level of fun that you can fucking have and the space and the fresh air. I saw a fucking guy he had a pickup truck with the camper shell on the back, towing a fucking a motor home, the one you have to tow, tow, it's not a motor home, no motor, but it's a home, a home on wheels, a trailer. And then behind that, he had a fishing boat. And it's just like, there's nowhere at way in LA, you could wear the fuck that would

take up half of your property. You know, motorcycles, four wheelers. I mean, all just all kinds of just old cars and shit, like all I could think about here is if I was out here, I would have a motorcycle. I could drive my, you know, my F 100 all over the place, cruising these fucking great country roads, not sitting in traffic, beautiful lakes and rivers. I mean, I'm 100% sold. And I was like, man, Dave is doing it right. This is it's frigging paradise out here. And then we went one day, I took my wife and kids. And we went out to this place. What the hell was it called? It was like, it was Jersey, something or other, some sort of ice cream place in Jersey, I guess, is a kind of cow. I had no idea. And we went out to this place and the frigging ice cream was

so good and so fresh. It was like, it was like heroin. That when you took them, I got a milkshake. That's what I did. I got a vanilla milkshake. And I know what you're thinking like, Oh, Jesus, Bill, could you be any wider with your plain Jane? Order their flavor. So this is well, this is what I do. Okay, this is my thing. If I'm going to a new pizza place, and I want to see if they know what the fuck they're doing, I order a margarita. Because anybody you can hide behind your toppings, if you don't quite know how to make a pizza, and it can bump up the number a little bit. So I always just get the plain margarita, right? You got dough, you got sauce, you got the cheese, and whatever the fuck else, you know, a little olive oil on the top, whatever the hell it is you do, right? And then when I

go to an ice cream place, I order vanilla, the plainest of the flavors, arguably. And if you can make that taste unbelievable, then I know that you guys know what the hell you're doing. And let me tell you something, they passed my little test there. So we did that, we got to see some live music, quest love and a bunch of other amazing musicians just playing in the back of this antique store was incredible. I feel like it's a little comedy festival out here took me back to the day I feel like you know what it felt like it felt like I was an aspen, except it was the summertime. Just running into people, you know, I'm gonna go down the street running just run into somebody and all of a sudden, you know, you guys are grabbing a coffee, not like I'm a big time coffee drinker,

but every once in a while, I'll have one. And I fucked up my order, I ordered a cappuccino. And what I wanted was an espresso. That's what I like just have because I don't like the really the taste of coffee. So I just try to do the shot and people's like, Well, that's got more fucking caffeine in it. It's like, All right, well, whatever. It's easier, you know, if you I don't have to drink a giant one, you know, that's one of the smartest things I ever did was I never got into coffee, you know, the amount of time can you imagine if you were really into coffee and you were into sports, and you have to sleep eight hours a day. I mean, there goes your whole life. That is your whole fucking life. Watching sports standing in line for coffee and then sleeping.

All of a sudden, your kids 36, you never even played catch with them. Anyway, I'm just fucking around here. I have been, you know, I didn't get a chance to watch a lot of the playoffs. I'm back here in LA now. So very excited to get caught up. Since I stopped watching my Boston Bruins closed out for the second year in a row, the Carolina Hurricanes. And I looked at that like that was sort of the rubber match there series, where I remember, Oh, God, how many years ago, like 10 years ago, you know, they ended up, we played them in like the Eastern Conference finals, and they want like the overtime game and that guy did the jazz hands skating down the fucking ice. They beat us. And then last year, we beat them. So, you know, this is the one to see who's ahead, I think, I would

think. What else happened? Oh, you're Philadelphia Flyers, your number one seed, the odds on favorite to go to the Stanley Cup. Is it final or finals? I always forget, but I looked them both up. They're both NBA and Stanley Cup are written as finals for some reason. I thought one was the NBA final. Or the Stanley Cup final, I forget. And people always say, Oh, there's only one final ever. The seven games. That would be the finals. You're playing in the final, you're playing seven games, the finals, it totally makes sense to me. I like when people do that shit, you know, they try to sit there and think they're so fuck. Why is it called football? All those douches who watch soccer. Why is it called football? Well, they kick it off. Kicking's a huge part of the fucking game.

Fucking Patriots won three Super Bowls kicking field goals. All right. Why don't you brush your teeth and watch the fucking game? Sorry. Anyway, the Flyers beat the hated Habs. Jesus Christ. 27 years, 28 seasons. Unbelievable. I just remember as a kid that the New York Rangers were considered cursed and they went 54 years and the Montreal Canadians are now halfway there. Halfway there. I was 25 years old the last time they won it. 25 years old. I'm now a 52 year old man with his best years behind them. So speaking of which, 1993 was also the last time that a Canadian team won the Stanley Cup. And, you know, it's ridiculously in favor of the United States considering there's like 30 teams

and what do you got? You got the Canadians, the Senators, the Maple Leafs, the Jets, Calgary, Edmonton, Vancouver. You got seven teams, you know, and we got 23. It's fucking hilarious because some Americans talk shit to Canadians about that stuff and it's just like, how many Americans are playing on those American NHL teams? Well, I'll write that. So anyway, Vancouver Canucks are the last, the lone Canadian team left and they knocked out your St. Louis Blues, making me have to say that I don't know what I'm talking about. I thought that Blues team, once they tied it up or whatever they want to come back, I think they tied it up or once they won Game 3, then I came out to Yellow Springs, Ohio and I

kind of lost track of the series. I was watching the, I check out the scores, but I was working every night. Congratulations to them beating a very, very tough team, the St. Louis Blues. But then they got their, Vancouver got their, evidently got mopped. The Knights mopped the floor with them last night. Five, nothing. I got to tell you, man, I don't know, I don't know what it is. The Knights came out that first year and damn near won it. Who'd they lose to the Capitals? I believe in six or seven. I can't remember what. But I would think that they'd still have the core of that team left and everybody's, you know, all those Philly fans are talking all this shit about the Flyers and everybody's just kind of sleeping on the Vegas nights, I feel. Or maybe I haven't been

paying attention in the arm. Now, speaking of Philly, what happened to those 76ers? The Boston Celtics going down there. Everybody's excited. Remember those early 80s series, those great fucking wars that the Celtics had with the 76ers. Celtics were down three one, came back and beat the Sixers. And then that next year we were down three one and Julius James Jinx. I'll never forget that on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Then one of the greatest teams of all time that I would put up against the 96 bowls, the 1983 Philadelphia 76ers. I was hoping it was going to be a great series. This definitely was not Philly's year. Celtics sweep them, take out the brumps, swept them under the Liberty belt, rocky felt halfway up the steps

on his with his gray on grays. Yeah, so we shall see. But still the number one seat from Cream Thickle or from Cream Town, Cream City is the Milwaukee Bucks. I'm actually a big fan of that franchise. Just when I was younger, you know, Sidney Monkrieff and all those guys, they were always a tough team. And it was still, you know, within 10 years of Luhal Cinder. If he wasn't cream at that point, leading them to their one and only championship 1971. And so I always liked those guys. They also had green in their uniforms and shit. They weren't the 76ers and they weren't the Lakers. So we only had so much hate in my heart. I had to be I had to be like, you know, I like I like my walk. And they swept the the Celtics one year.

There was the last year, Bill Fitch being the the the head coach of the Celtics. What year was that? That might have been 83. I can't remember. All right. So yeah, so I was out here and they had a great setup for doing like the stand up and everything. And just with the total freedom to know that I wasn't going to get in trouble for anything that I said that I mean, it's some of the best sets I had. And I don't know, it was awesome. And then it also made me sad thinking like, this is how stand up used to be. There used to be so much fun where you could just like just empty your brain and say the craziest shit, you know, digging holes, trying to get out of it, fucking with people, being absurd, all of that stuff.

And it's just really just sort of been I don't know. Remember when Clear Channel ruined radio? I feel like that's been done to stand up and it made me want to I don't know. Just go back to the way I used to do it when I was on stage because I don't think that I just slowly, you know, I gave ground, I feel. And so and I realized this week how much I do censor myself when I'm on stage. I think I've been doing it for so long over the years. It's now become this subconscious thing. Don't say that might get in trouble. Oh, that's not worth that. What's so funny is you're just joking around. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe when white women finally get what it is that they want, they'll let us have fun again.

Oh, it is funny watching white women call other white women Karen's. I think that's fucking hilarious. Like that's the big thing. Like once it names sticks, then you got to act like no, but I'm one of the good ones. You know, that's like hipsters calling other hipsters hipsters. I mean, you never hear me calling somebody else sexist, do you? I try to stay in my lane. I know what the fuck I am. Anyway, yeah, I could not. I have a better time and just being out here, you know, with my kids and everything and taking them out, you know, I took my daughter out and she was feeding these goats and down at that farm. And I mean, she just having the time of her life

from the cows. And they had all kinds of just fun stuff for them to do sitting on old tractors and shit. And, you know, just that dead dad stuff that you get to do. That was a lot of fun. And my son is just like, you know, now he's just cooing and smiling at everything. And I don't know, I got some just amazing, amazing pictures of everybody this past weekend. Really needed it recharged my batteries. So I'm going to continue to try and do some shows here in and around the LA area that parking lot outside of the magic castle. Everybody stays in their cars. People seem to be safe. I'm just going to go down there and I don't care how many people drive away. I'm going to try to hang on to the freedom that I had at Camp Chappelle.

It's just unbelievable that in America, you have to actually be careful when you're not even being serious. You're joking around and you have to be careful. It's just the most fucked up thing. Oh, people, there is so much shit that I could say and so many names that I could say, but I would just never do that. I just think comedian on comedian fucking attacking this cannibalism just has to fucking stop. I don't know. So maybe I shouldn't even joked around and said white female comics. It's so hard. Anyway, so yeah, so now I'm back in LA. I got to drop a few pounds that I gained out there in Yellow Springs. Too much ice cream, too much of the local fare out there. I found there's a wonderful

store there where they made these homemade, whatever handmade, I guess is what the word, like these lamps that had like the shade is like glass, all these different colors. So I got one of those from my office, you know, spent money in a local business and I don't know, just had a great time out here and I was thinking like, you know, I would love to live in a place like this if it was more accepting. Anyway, plowing ahead here. Let's do, let's do, what do we got here? Yeah, Yellow Springs though is really liberal. It was almost aggressively liberal. How the force with which they were saying hello to my wife was hilarious. Person of color. Hello. Did anybody film that? I need might need that in the future.

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I guess they're trying to say that a moose has a, this is like a dick face. I just, I don't know. I don't see it unless your balls will weigh the fuck out in front of you. Like that keep on trucking, drawing, right? All right, let's get into some of the some of the answers here. No, the questions here. I guess then eventually we're getting into some of the answers. I know I'm behind on MotoGP everybody. I think the David Ciosa won the previous race. I didn't see today's race or yesterday's race, I should say. I got to get caught up. Like I said, I was out here doing family shit. All right, thank you. Dear Bill, I'm a 25 year old male from Seattle and a big fan of your comedy and podcast. Well, thank you. This might sound

sappy, but I didn't have great dad parentheses, dads growing up from abusive alcoholics to full blown sociopaths. Well, no offense to your mom, but Jesus Christ, she could really pick them, huh? There was nobody to show me how to be a man. I like what you do because you explain how you feel about something, even if it's not healthy, and then provide how you would or should actually deal with it. Oh yeah, because yeah, because I'm a fucking mess, dude. I need to talk it out when it comes to the old emotions there. By listening to your perspective on things, I can relate to what you're saying without feeling like some monster. And I've been able to make positive changes in my life. I deal with my anger better. I don't have sex with hookers anymore.

Well, Jesus Christ, there's two huge improvements. And I feel like I can be honest with myself and others because my issues aren't all that extreme or different. I want you to know that your work has changed my life for the better. Thank you. Jesus Christ, I'm going to save that someday for one. If it when I get in trouble for telling knock, knock jokes there. Yeah, I'll tell you the big thing I did was I told my wife I needed her help with my anger. She still hasn't really done it. But I think that she just she's so used to going to someplace mentally when I start flipping out that it's going to take her a while to you know, my daughter is perfect. You know, second I start to lose it should be like she just in the other room just like don't scream like that.

I mean, we're going to go. Sorry, buddy. You're right. You know, go in there, give her a hug. Daddy was screaming. Dad, why why you scream? It's just no logical answer, especially when I think about what I'm yelling about. So I think, you know, it really helps the woman in your life. If you admit to your problem, you address it, you get it out there and say that you need help. And then you tell her that this isn't Dr. Phil where he just you just say this shit once and then I walk away and it's perceived that the problem has been fixed. I'm going to have a long time to do this, you know, and then hopefully, if you're with a mature woman, which they're not easy to find. Okay, there's all of this

shit out there that you know, just blows women, you know, and says how fucking amazing they are and all this like they don't have any fucking issues. But the only reason why that just comes from the advertisers, because they know that women emotionally run the relationship. And they also know that they're going to manipulate the man into spending way more money than he should be on whatever fucking holiday it is. So what they do is they just blow them and say they're never wrong, you know, and blah, blah, blah, blah, and then they just go after the fucking guys when the reality is, is we're both out of our fucking minds and we need each other, you know, to help one another. So we don't go crazy. Right. I don't know. That's what I would

all right, Zimbabwean fan. Look at this. I think I'm going to go play the Zimbabwe fucking funny bone. Thanks Bill for the standups, the podcast efforts for family. Nice, the ridiculously funny late night interviews, and everything in between. By the way, I wrote all these emails this week. My friends and I absolutely enjoy your politically incorrect shit. It's a shame you've never performed in my country. But I hope I'll visit yours one day. If this Corona crap dies down, then attend one of your shows and hackle, he says it's hackle, H, E, C, K, L, E, not ace. All right, heckle you mercilessly just to get on your last nerve. Keep on. Chimdara bird. Chimdara can mean sick old man. Oh, keep on chindara. Chindara bird.

Chindara can mean sick old man. In my Shona language. Thanks, man. Chimdara, sorry. No, wait, my eyes are going. Yeah, that isn't him. Chimdara. All right, look at that. Now, wait a minute, Zimbabwe, you guys weren't the ones with those crazy fucking things that you guys were blowing during the World Cup about 10 years ago. It sounded like Jim Carrey and fucking dumb and dumber. Remember when he said, you want to hear the most annoying sound ever? That's what those things sounded like. Listen, I would love to go to Africa at some point, you know what I mean? And at some point would mean the point where, you know, what all the white people did over there is over.

I used to do a bit about that. How as a white dude, you got to really be careful, you know, that when I traveled, I liked going to white countries because it was going to be white people there. Because the second you went Latino, African or anything like that. No, I never went to Africa, but whatever. It's just like, you know that you have to look up, okay, what did white people do here? Because you're going to get, you know, and I remember I went to Costa Rica. And rather than reading up on it, I just sort of like did a little, you know, thought about it, even though I didn't know shit about Central America. I was like, all right, that was the conquistadors. They were from Spain. Okay. And in my head, Spanish people were Latino,

rather than thinking, no, they're European. They speak Spanish. And through all these years, white people have been saying, Mexicans speak Spanish. You know what I mean? I don't know. So there's all of that. And then that's why like when I go to Europe or whatever, and I'm watching the news in Spanish, and I've seen a blonde haired woman speaking Spanish, going, wait a minute, what the fuck's going on? I haven't read up on any of that. So there's all kinds of crazy shit. So I didn't know any of that shit. So I was thinking that was the conquistadors, you know, those Latino people from Europe. That's literally what I was thinking. So I go, that wasn't white people. So I fucking go there and I'm getting all these dirty looks. And I'm

like, what the fuck? So I'm thinking, all right, there's got to be some sort of economic sanctions. There's got to be something that we did here. We must have our military must to help, you know, the guy that was going to help the corporations and not the people, the usual bullshit. And what I basically what I found is where I was staying, Dolan Chiquita banana had farms there that they that they had somehow purchased and they just bought up all the land from the local farmers and the farmers had to stay working on their former farms or something. I forget how it went down. And they weren't getting paid shit. And Chiquita and Dol would take in all the fucking money. And then my dumb ass shows up with like a snorkel and a brochure

like, Hello, everybody. And I got all these guys down there with fucking machete machetes looking at me. It's very uncomfortable. Having said that Costa Rica is beautiful, you know, those howler monkeys. Oh my god. Fucking things were crazy. But I just if you're just into like, I don't know, I took a zipline tour through I was basically at the very top of the rainforest. And I have to be honest with you, it's something that I would not do nowadays. I did it then, but I would not do it now because I just that fucking story of those two women who were going to go into the rainforest and decided to go in themselves and then they got fucking lost is just the fucking scariest goddamn fucking thing I can ever even think of.

One of one of the scariest things. So I guess because it's a zipline tour, like I would I would just be like with a guide the entire frigging way. Anyway, plowing ahead. So Zimbabwe, you know, some of you was asking me, he's like, Have you ever gone on a safari? Like an African? I was like, No, I haven't. And I just I don't know. I I look at those animals the same way I look at celebrities, you know what I mean? I mean, it's just like I don't want to bother them. You know, they've been through enough. Okay, they just

they can't even just fucking they can't even fucking there's somebody taking a picture of them making a fucking movie. The same thing happens to celebrities. That's why it's always funny me when you know, when they show like some of these fucking celebrities houses, right, they'll be like, Hey, he's got his own bowling alley, he's got his own movie theater. It's like, yeah, because he has to or she has to, they can't fucking go anywhere. Everybody's up their ass. And then if they get like aggravated after a while, then the video just shows them like, look at him being addicted to his fans. That's the last time I go to see backdraft fucking fest in the furious or whatever the fuck it is.

Um, anyway, um, yeah, so as far as that, like I love animals, but like I also really respect them. And I just I just don't want to go. And I just don't want to be another asshole in a Jeep driving by. You know, just being where that's, you know, we already took enough of their fucking land. Can they just chill out and kill an ostrich or whatever the hell they're supposed to be doing? Um, I don't know, but it would be fascinating. Like I really like, like, especially all of the African animals mean,

how do you not love lions and leopards, leopards? I love a leopard. You got to love a leopard. Cheetahs, sort of an anorexic leopard. Of course, you got your elephants, pack of doings, uh, hippos and rhinoceroses. I love when they go on. I love when they go at it, you know, a couple of fatties getting the ring, you know, and the big thing, what always ends up happening is somehow, you know, the rhino wants to get the hippo perpendicular, you know, hit him broadside him like the fucking rhino blew a red light, raise the hippos coming in the intersection. And once he gets that fucking hippo sideways, that is fucking it. It is a wrap. And also, I just think that those lions are getting less and less afraid of the cars and

they, there's that whole thing where like, you can sit there because the lion views you as part of the car or the Jeep. And I think they're starting to separate it. Like I said, I saw a fucking bear open a car door, kick open a door like the fucking feds. They can ride bicycles. You know, it's nature. They're going to start learning to survive. Somebody's going to get snatched. And you guess what? It's not going to be me. Having said that, you know, I don't know. Oh my God. And forget about all the reptiles and shit. Reptiles are just like, just they are the sociopaths of the fucking of the animal world. They just, they don't give a fuck. Komodo dragons. They just, I mean, just heartless. You know, I don't know. There's something

about a mammal, maybe because I relate to it. Although I do have about as much hair as a lizard. All right. East India Trading Company. Hey, Billy boy. Hey there, Billy boy. Hey there, freckles. You mentioned the East India Company and said you don't know much about them. All right. Yes, I did. I already forget what they are. I attached a quick video about them to sum them up, but they were essentially an extension of the empire's government. They pretty much did the normal, the normal of what white people would do to us third world people back then. Genocide, looting, slavery, all the hits. They stole 45 trillion worth of wealth from India. India accounted for a quarter of the world's GDP. What is that gross something product? Forget.

Before the white man got there. Well, why can't you question? Why didn't you kick their fucking ass? You had all of those goddamn people. It was a fucking home game. I mean, that's just fucking hardcore. Like you guys were just crushing it and then they just come in like, yeah, we're just going to take that. When they left, it was only 2%. Yeah, I know. I don't think that there's enough out there. There seems to be plenty out there about what the Nazis did to the Jews. There's plenty out there about what white people did to African Americans. But, uh, or maybe I just haven't been paying attention to this. Jesus Christ. White people, white people, you don't have to do it. They stole 45 trillion worth of the wealth

from India. India accounted for a quarter. Okay, I already said that. When they left, it was only 2%. To put the 45 trillion into context, the GDP of America is 20 trillion. They stole more than double what the entire American economy generates an entire year from my people. Good thing Gandhi sent their cracker asses home. Uh, then about 60 years later, you just imported all of us. Because apparently you guys suck at being doctors and tech things. Oh, look at you talking shit. Look at you talk last night. Checked you guys don't have polio because of us. You know, I was on board. I get it. You got to talk a little bit of shit. Listen, this is what this is the deal. There's smart people and there's evil people. There's geniuses and there's

fucking dopes everywhere. That's why racism is so stupid. So the bottom line is as bad as those English guys were, those people exist in your country of India too. All right, I've been over there with your t-shirts. Real men don't rape. Stop acting like you guys are a bunch of saints over there. I'm not saying you're bad people. I'm just saying like every country, you got your good in the bed. You know, they got this thing now, you know, or they point that thing in your forehead to see if you have a temperature. They got to do that with like human beings, you know, to see if you're a psycho or not, you know, but the problem is, is that psychos run the corporation. So then what they would do is they would just use that shit to take out nice people. You know, like I was talking

to a buddy of mine one time and I was talking about power, how psychos are attracted to power and nice people, they're just not, they're not attracted to it. So what ends up happening is nice people end up working for like psychos and then psychos stay in power by killing loud nice people. That's basically it. So even if you came up with that invention, the way that they have all of science under their corporate umbrellas, they would make sure that they pass the test. So I don't know. And no, we do not suck at being doctors any more than you guys suck at whatever white people have said you guys suck at. Everybody is, you know, offers something and everybody has people in their society that need to be removed. All right, let's plow ahead here. All right,

need advice on my parents. I would love to get in because you know what, I actually, I know that dude was just fucking around because when I went over to India and they have some of the biggest fucking ball breakers I've ever met in my life, absolutely hilarious people. They're right up there with like the Irish Scottish people as far as like places I went outside of my country, where people were just giving me shit. I told you, I remember the comics I met over there, they were trying to, Hey, you should talk about this on stage, take, just talk about that on stage. I was doing that podcast and then I was like, wait, do you guys talk about this on stage? And they started laughing. They're trying to get me in trouble over there.

It was like some comedy seller shit on the other side of the planet. So anyway, all right, plowing ahead here, need advice on my parents. Oh, geez. Oh, wait a minute. You know what? I love when people say I need advice because that gives me a chance to play my little jingle. It's time for advice. Hey, that's me. Stop everybody else. All right, let's get back to it here. Need advice on my parents. Oh, sorry, just goes into the playlist there. All right. All right. Shut that off. Okay. Need advice on my parents. Hello, Billy badass. First of all, I'm a huge fan of, look at all these compliments this week. I usually get fucking shit.

Huge fan of the podcast and all the work that you do. Thank you. Even though it was a long time ago, I liked your acting in Breaking Bad. What the fuck does that mean? Even though it was a long time ago, I liked your acting in Breaking Bad. I guess because when you go back in time, most of the stuff I did sucked. I don't even know what that means. Anyway, now moving on, I am writing today for advice about my parents. I grew up most of my life in the Midwest and moved to Washington, DC about a year ago for work. My parents are still living in the Midwest and do not seem to have much going on these days. Okay. Seems like they're getting close to retiring. I'm busy

with work most days and I'm always out and about working out and socializing with friends. I used to love spending time with my parents and hanging out with them, but now it seems that whenever they call me, they want me to work on something. I feel as dumb and annoying, like double checking my taxes, looking at how my IRA is doing, going to get a corona test, even though I'm as healthy as can be, registering to vote, making sure I'm wearing my mask every day, et cetera. Just being parents, man. It's not like they're asking you for money because they're at home drinking a jug of wine every night. I feel as though I never want to answer the phone because it's always negative news. Oh, I see. Okay. Whenever they do call and I know it sounds bad, but their calls often ruin my

otherwise good days. Since it's gotten so bad lately, I have thought about cutting off my ties with them. Jesus Christ. We do not think this is a good situation. Yeah, no, don't do that. Do you have any suggestions on how to work this out with them? I want to stay in touch with them, but they're constant worrying and nagging is driving me nuts. Thanks and have a good day. Well, you need to communicate that with them. Just say, Mom, Dad, I love you guys to death. Thank you for raising me. I just need to discuss our relationship and you just talk about how you feel that it is in the way that you would like it. I would really enjoy if you would just call up just to say hello. Can we just talk about a game? I understand that I'm always going to be a baby,

so you're always going to be worrying about me, but like my taxes are done. I got my IRA. I have, I'm wearing a mask. I am fine. I'm adult. I know how to take care of myself. Can we please talk about, you know, just call up and hang, shoot the shit, be friends, man. I would go, you know, communication. It's always, it's always the best thing. And when you communicate, you got to make sure that you're not insulting the person. You got to be, you can't, you know, I learned that. You can't just, you can't communicate. But you know, I just every fucking time you call me, it's just a good. You can't do that. You just have to say, you know, and I actually found myself the other day when you called thinking about not answering the phone

call, which is a major red flag to me because you're my parents and I love you guys. So we obviously need to clear this part of our relationship up. I think it's an easy thing. And you know what? They're going to go back, you know, they'll be good for a couple and they'll start to go back and then you can just be like, dad, mom, like, here we go again. I think you should do that, but you should never, you should never cut your parents out of your life. All right. Unless it's just, you know, something, I don't know. I don't know. I don't want to discuss the topics on why you would do that. But for what you're talking about, no, this is something that could be worked out. All right, girlfriend wants my mom to die.

I mean, I just had to pause there and take that sentence in. Girlfriend wants my mom to die. Dear Billy Blueballs. So I've been seeing this lady for almost six months now. Well, I'll tell you this right now. Reading that title, if you see her for seven months, you're the worst son ever. We really fit well together and have grown really close. But one thing is she's got a huge problem with my mom. She thinks my mom is the most evil, selfish person in the world. Wait, and you already know that six months in, you got to pull the ripcord, buddy. And I got to say, she's made me realize that my mom can be fake and manipulative sometimes. Yep. And now she's

breaking you down. You're going to have Stockholm syndrome soon. You need to get out of this. But she recently said she wishes my mom was dead and I just froze. I don't wish that at all. I know she has her problems, but like, holy tits, that was over the line, especially since she knows that I really only had my mom when my dad left us when I was a kid. Yeah, you got to dump. This woman's a piece of shit. And everything she's accusing your mother of, dude, she's doing to you. She's manipulative. And now she's fucking with your brain. And you know what, rather than just kind of going down the field, taking two yards here, three yards, she threw the fucking bomb. I wish your mom was dead. She went for the fucking end zone. She went for the kill shot, right?

And complete was not caught. And you just froze. You slapped it out of the fucking air like a shut down corner, right? And now you know what to do. He goes, I don't know. Oh, I don't know what to do, Bill. I feel like I'm caught between these two significant people in my life right now and it's making me crazy. Hopefully you see this and have a nice fucking day. Yeah, buddy. I mean, you're six months in to this relationship. And she just said she wishes your mother was dead. Okay. She's a fucking psycho. She's a fucking piece of shit. The woman you're dating is a fucking piece of shit. No one should ever say that 20 years into a marriage with the worst mother-in-law ever. I get it. I get it. But even then, you got to be kind of, I can't say this,

this is this person's mom. The fact that she said that, dude, you know, judgment for the defendant. Yeah, dumper, dumper. You know what I mean? Jesus Christ. I mean, what in the fuck could she possibly be doing that would warrant that statement? And this is your six months in. She's supposed to still be pretending that she's a cool person. You're supposed to still be pretending that every time for the rest of your life, you're going to pull the chair out when she goes to sit down. You know, she's just starting to show you who she is. And she said, I wish your mom was dead. Just thank you, Lucky Stars, that you didn't fucking marry this chick. You didn't have kids with her and all of this shit because you know, what, what do you think is

going to happen? Eventually, if she's not fucking happy in a relationship with you and you guys are married, you got kids and your lives are all entangled, and all of a sudden she starts wishing you were dead. Huh? And then out of nowhere, she wants to cook for you every night and everything has an almond aftertaste. Yeah, get rid of her. That is a fucking, it is completely unacceptable statement and you're a child of divorce, so you probably don't have the boundaries that you need to have. And that boundary, that is a boundary that was crossed and she cannot cross back over. That is some Benedict Arnold shit and she needs to walk the plank. Good day, sir. It's just my gut feeling. All right, overrated slash underrated, underrated, having a plan

for your funeral. I 100% agree that agree that agree with that. Fuck. All right. Hey, Billy Ball big. I was listening to the cast backs on the Thursday afternoon. I was listening to the cast back on the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcasts from last week. I've turned 28 last week and I've already known my funeral plans down to the finer details for the past 10 years. Bit of background. I grew up in my childhood household with my grandmother, a now 93 year old lady who was brought up in her childhood in England during World War II. Oh, so she's tough as nails. Morbid topics like death, since I was young, were never far off the table. So for sure, I think we're one of the minority who can face

the ultimate guarantee in this life, death. My friends think I'm weird when I tell them if a song has changed what I want played as the curtains close, cremation all the way. I mean, in another hundred years, who's coming to see my headstone with the toothbrush and some bleach to see my name through the moss and the weeds. Anyway, or what party song I want on entrance to my wake to lighten the mood music. You know what, I had a relative die and he picked all the music and it was really cool. And in he, I got to see the love that he had for the woman in his life and his kids and all that by the music that he chose. I thought it was really cool. So I think this is all cool. Entrance to the crematorium Elvis Presley and American Trilogy. I don't think I

know that song. Guess exiting cremation Elvis Presley if I can dream from the NBC 68 comeback special. Dude, this is the shit. Guess entering the wake, the cult she sells sanctuary. This should be a fucking thing. DJ music during wait, 70s, 80s rock, Motown, cheese, room classics only. Song whilst ashes are scattered over the snow filled mountains somewhere in Europe. Fleetwood Mac landslide assets and will all my collections of sets set list from concerts. Sam that's his brother photography equipment donate to a local college for students to use laptop is going to Stuart his best friend trust him to dispose of anything inappropriate and keep everything from my photography traveling the world car Mazda Miata MK

three to his buddy Dan friend who is an absolute petrolhead hoping he would tune it up in his workshop and enjoy it till he left it in a bumping heap on a track on a track day. Catering fish finger sandwiches and fries with every sauce from tomato to brown sauce to suit everyone's unique acquired taste. Long time fan yet to be in the same country as you at the same time to see you in person one day soon when this is all over and done with hope you the whaaf and kids stay safe roll on season five of efforts for family I think that's really cool you know my wife's been giving me shit because I said I wanted to be cremated she's like no we gotta have burial plots next to each other so I don't know I didn't think I will Jesus you gotta

play highway to hell when you're fucking lowering in the coffin into the ground yeah I think about that type of stuff I don't know what I would have I would just like it to be a like more of a party more of a celebration of my life and I would also like hopefully that I've said all the things that I need to say certainly I know I've done it to all my my family I know that yeah that's what you just want to think man what a great fucking guy I'm gonna miss that guy you know but we had you know so many great times that's what happened my buddy Wayne past you know we were all sad and crying and all that and then we just started telling stories

and just laughing our asses off and all the pictures came in and it's just him just always being like the life of the party was just never a downer so I'm hoping that that oh Jesus never a downer Jesus Christ let's let's not get too crazy Bill um yeah I don't know if I'll pass the never being a downer test my buddy Wayne did though um so yeah I think I think that's a great thing to do um because you do you never know you do never know and um I also think that if you pick it like that and it's really specific it is sort of this last this bonus interaction that they get with you that they know that these songs mean this much it's a way for you to communicate with them from beyond the grave um beyond the ashes all right that is the podcast everybody

once again thanks to Dave Chappelle and everybody out there that made that whole thing happen it was just an absolute incredible experience and thank you for reminding me what the freedom of what's the freedom of stand-up used to be and um it just really was a nice cold bucket of water to realize what was slowly taken away um for no reason for no reason and by the left which I am I'm a fucking lefty and uh it's just a fucking it just doesn't make any goddamn sense it makes no fucking sense any more than it would it made sense when the I felt like the right was doing it right after 9 11 um not to mention both parties then all of a sudden they used you know in an effort to stop terrorism what they had to do they then you know

you know took away a lot of rights and shit it just I don't I don't fucking know I don't know but I just hope we the the ball slowly stops and starts to roll back towards the middle because I don't think at any time ever in the history the left or the right has been 100 percent right sometimes the left's right sometimes the right's right that's why if you're in the middle and you can listen and take each situation individually you have I feel the best chance of making a rational decision and even then you got a huge chance of fucking it up because we're human beings and we're flawed all right that's it all right go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday

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