Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-25-14

Episode Date: August 25, 2014

Bill rambles about the Bob Seger breakdown, skull tattoos and cutting out a frog's liver.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. I'm going to apologize to the members of the band Chicago because last week I actually credited the doobie brothers with that wonderful hit Say in the Park.

Right? So my apologies. I've always confused those two bands. There was always something about Chicago. They were amazing musicians, but there was just something fucking, I don't know what it was, depressing about their sound to me. And then after those Terry Catt years, then it was the Peter Cetera years, and then it just kind of went all like, you know, really high-pitchy.

I'm trying to think this song. I just remember Stay the Night. I like that video on MTV. Stay the night, I want to spend it with you. And then there was some, oh wait, how the fuck did that one go? Something hard as skin getting used to. Ah shit, I don't fucking remember. I don't know why, you know, I bought that stupid, easy listening rock shit,

so all that crap is in my fucking head now. I woke up this morning, boo-doo-boo-doo-boo, and all I hear in my head is just fucking like, yee-ba-da-ba-ba-da-doo-ba-da-bee, and something about this boat that sunk. They went out on the lake and they were delivering Oreos, and then there was a big fucking wave. Mark Wahlberg went into the water.

George Clooney stayed in the fucking boat. Why does every fucking song about the sea have to be in three-four time? Yah-da-da-dee-dee-dee, one-doo-dee-wee-da-da-wee-ba-ba-bee, is that one three-four? I don't know what the fuck it is, that shit, they just make you feel like you're rocking. You know, sometimes the sea is nice and smooth, okay, Billy Joel, and all you motherfucking cunts out there,

you ever, you never been out on a boat and the water looked like glass, that's four-four time. You got to sit there rocking, back and forth getting seasick in the crowd, and you're talking about a goddamn seagull? As you finish off another jack and coke. Yah-da-da-dee-dee-da-wee-da-wee-da-wee-da-wee-da-wee, a shark's got a black fucking dolly. Even just one of the reasons my jaws were so amazing was,

you know, you had the actor playing Quint, his old salty dog, right? And even then, what are they saying? They're doing a drinking song. Show me the way to go home, boom, boom, I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Yeah, regular calming time. Now, shouldn't you been out there going,

show me the way to go home? I ain't fucking, shut up. With your fucking peg leg, you go get a prosthetic. Why don't you come ashore? Who is she, captain? Who are you running from? Are you gonna stay out at sea for the rest of your life,

jerking off the mermaids? Are you gonna come ashore and try and catch another bus? It's okay. Come here, you can cry it out. You can put your one patch on my shoulder. Um, I was just gonna ask a fucked up question. You know, if you lose an eye, when you cry to tears still come out of both eyes?

The tear duct isn't exactly the eyeball, is it? Hi, do you know me? I never took a science class in my life, or an anatomy class. They didn't have that shit when I was, well they had some of the science classes and I fucking steered clear of them. Okay, once you were past junior high

and you didn't get to turn on a Bunsen burner, you know, that was the only fun thing. I remember taking one class and it's like, you know, I'm fucking doing like open heart surgery with a dead frog and it's just like, I don't want to do this. This frog had to die so I could hack it up. This fucking dog, dog, this frog was having a great god damn time.

Right? Hopping around the Christmas tree, yeah, but open heart out, boo, right? Jumping around the fucking swamp, eating flies, you know, that's what it likes to do. That's like Fritos for a fucking amphibian. Having a great fucking time and then some douche comes along.

I don't even know how they killed the thing. You know, they can't like fracture its little frog skull because I got a, you know, what do you call that when you cut open something that's dead? Grave rubber, necrophilia? Nah, that's not it, that's not it. Autopsy? Like I'm on law and order?

I don't know. Probably shot it with like a poisonous dart. You ever really look into the eyes of a frog? You ever look at the fucking, the way it holds its mouth? You know, it's just like that fucking dude just, he's trying to blend in. He's not hurting anybody.

He's not the quarterback, he's not the burnout. He's just filler in the class photo. Can't you let him be? So next thing you know, they fucking whack him and then here I am trying to cut this thing open. I got the whole thing up and I got a D minus on it. You know, I should have honored that frog and at least got an A

taking out its fucking liver. Um... Anyways, what have I been doing? I had a wonderful week. I want to thank everybody who came out to the oddball tour. 15,000 strong coming out to the... to Jones Beach, whatever the fuck they call the...

that's the... amazing arena out there. I'm not going to call it by the stupid Best Buy, whatever fucking name they give it. But... I don't know, man. You know what's funny is I haven't done one of those shows in a long time.

In a long time. And I always go back to the virus tour in my head. I always think, I don't like doing shows at night outside with tens of thousands of fucking people here because they act like, you know, they act like animals. And which really wasn't the case

on the virus tour. They just acted like animals on the last two dates that I did. And the second show was imitating the first show. So it was really just the one show. But what it was on the virus tour was you knew that show was coming. You just didn't know when. It feels like when you're creeping through a fucking house and there's an axe murderer.

You don't know what room he's in, but you know he's in the house. And at some point, somebody's going to try to fucking swing an axe at your head. That was basically the virus tour. And so I think whenever I go to do those, I kind of have like my fucking comedy Vietnam flashback. And... I don't know. And I went out there and I was pleasantly surprised.

The crowd was unbelievable. Like 15,000 people. And you could take them wherever you wanted to go. I actually brought them down at one point. I brought them down. You know, like a song. For the little breakdown, the Bob Seager part, where he fucking sings about how many years went by.

All right, 20 years, where'd they go? 20 years, I don't know. Where'd they go? Yeah, you do, Bob. They went up your nose. You're out there having a fucking orgy. Yeah, the decades kind of fly by when you live in the rock style lifestyle. Can you stop bringing us down?

You're supposed to be up there acting like you're having the time of your life, remembering everything. Don't fucking come down to my level in the crowd and tell me that you're also wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life. You know what that says to me, Bob? There's no hope.

Anyways, so I was on, arguably one of the best fucking lineups I've ever been on. At least since I did the virus tours back in the day. You guys want to compare? You want to compare stand-up lineups? Let's start a fucking internet lineup.

I mean, argument here, with the lineups of both shows. This is like arguing Super Bowl teams. Who would you rather have doing? Would you rather have the 85 beers? The fucking 79 Steelers? Or any team with Tom Brady on it. I just fucking threw that out there because so many people fucking hate him.

His cleft chin. Tom Brady has an ass on his chin and he fucks this giddy chick from Brazil. Um... I'm sorry. You know what's great about three, four time? I want to stay where you write it

because anything sounds important. I scratched my bowls and I brushed my damn teeth. I'm sorry. I brush my damn teeth. All right, so back in the day. That virus tour. The Philly Show.

As much as I can remember of it. Which was a long time ago. Which by the way, there's been more goddamn horseshit written about that show. Some fucking guy wrote all this all this fucking bullshit about what happened that night when I got booed.

And I actually tweeted back to him the correct story and then he just retweets it. Nothing means anything to anybody. No, oh hey, sorry, I got it wrong. This dude tried to say that Bobby Kelly got booed before me. Dom got booed before me.

And then I was standing backstage standing backstage with Opie and Anthony and I said they ain't doing that to me. Like I'm fucking Popeye. I ain't had my needle spinach here. Everything comes back to the seat. Popeye the sailor man.

The fucking sailor. There's another dude fucking a skinny bitch. All right. What's with these heroes? They don't like hips. You don't like some thighs there? Little thoroughbred prancing down the fucking road. Yeah, that didn't happen.

Bobby had a great set that night. Dom, they booed for like 30 seconds and he just told him to shut up and he goes, why would you think I would ever leave? And I was sitting backstage going, I don't want to fucking do this. Nervous as hell. And then I went out there

and I opened with a bad cell phone joke. And then they started booing me and then what happened? And then Jim Norton went out after me and never addressed it and fucking killed. That is what happened. The first guy got booed at seven o'clock

and then everybody else had good sets and then I got booed like three hours later. All right. That's what happened. That is what happened, okay? For the final fucking time. That is what happened. I can't stand you anymore.

I hurt me, T. No, it was realized backstage. I don't want to do this, man. I didn't need to be here. I was like that dude in platoon. I got a bad feeling about this one, man. So there you go. So the lineup that night,

I will not name the other person who got booed because I'm a fucking class act over here who knows. It was... Let me see if I can remember. Tracy Morgan. Bob Saget. Ralphie May.

Bobby Kelly. Don Myrera. Patrice O'Neill. Myself. Jim Norton. That's who I remember was on that show. What a fucking lineup that is, huh?

Patrice, the greatest comic of, you know, my generation as far as I'm concerned. I mean, that's just, that's fucking murderers' row right there. And I came out like Neil O'Donnell. Oh, shit. All right, and then last week,

last weekend, I went on a show and we had... Sarah Silverman. Hannibal Burris. Louis C.K. David Tell. Myself.

Jeff Ross. Uh... Chris Hardwick. And, uh, who else was on that show? Oh, some younger comic and I fucked up. What the fuck's his name? The young, the youngster there.

And the youngster there, the rookie, the young fella there. Right? Who do you like? Who do you like better? That was a fucking both shows. You know what I mean? Come on. Those are two of the sickest shows I've ever been on.

So anyways, I went out there, um, and it was unreal. And of course, like a fucking asshole, I didn't get a picture with anybody backstage. What an asshole. At one point, I'm talking to Louis and Dave, like, two of my biggest stand-up heroes.

And I got a fucking iPhone on me. And I never thought to be like, hey, let's get a picture. I never thought to do that. Now, I don't know all these next weekend, I'm doing more of them to pay for the

fucking money pit. I don't want to get into that. I'm not even going to get into that, because there's no comedy left in this fucking project. Oh, Jesus. I'm going to go downstairs, and I'm not going to have any money to re-furnish it. And I'm just going to stand down there.

And in the echo, I'm just going to start weeping. Um, never again. Never again. I understand why nobody did shit to this fucking house, because to try to fix it is ridiculously expensive. And I am, I am, I am fucking down with it. So anyways, I, uh, I went out there,

I had a great time. I was trying out new material and, uh, it was such a cool, I didn't even realize how cool the venue was until somebody took a picture from the upper deck, the upper deck, a fucking comedy show. How that, that venue, I'll actually, uh, I'll tweet it out,

um, on the Monday morning podcast, Twitter, uh, handle there, whatever the fuck you could say at the MM podcast. Join our Twitter following. We're already up to 10,000 followers. You know, 10,000 more. We can start a church.

You guys will start calling me father. Um, right. I'll grow a long white beard and I'll start banging everybody who fucking, you know, everybody who's there. That's what you do when you can't, when you can't play an instrument, when you can't tell jokes

and you still want to fuck everything that's moved. So your only other option is, other than hookers, is you, you have to start a religion. That's basically what you do. And you tell people what they want to hear and you bring them in and you tell them that there's this higher

thing and it cares about them. It's going to help them and, but I'm the direct root to it. You talk to me and I'll talk to it and I know it. It loves me and it, whatever I say, it's going to listen to and I'm kind of it. You know what I mean? I'm kind of it, but it's it, but I'm kind of that thing and

you know, I'm it. I'm the guy. I'm Jesus. I'm the father, the son. I'm the fucking Alpha and the Omega. I'm the fucking Foxtrot and the fucking X-ray, right? Next thing you know, you're blowing Jesus. All right.

So, so we went ahead and we did the, we do the gig and I flew into New York Friday for the gig six a.m. flight and then I flew back eight a.m. Saturday.

I like, I landed at like three o'clock, jumped in a cab, traffic all the way in to lower Manhattan. Soho dropped my bags, jumped in the shower, got ready,

ran downstairs, got in the van, went out, did the gig, came back, smoked a cigar with Verzi, stayed out till four in the morning, went right to the fucking airport and that was, that was it. I got to tell you, I had two of the greatest fucking transcontinental flights I

ever had. I go to the airport, right? Six a.m. and I'm sitting there like a fucking zombie, right? And there's a guy sitting like two seats over. He's sitting there like you know those people, they don't

sit on their ass. They kind of sit on their lower back and then the back of their neck is at the top of the chair. He was sitting there and his shirt was up and he was showing his middrift for whatever fucking reason. So I want to take a picture of this guy subtly, you know not show his head, just so his awful belly

sitting there. This fucking legs at a 45 degree angle and I want to, you know, it's going to text one of my hashtag animal photos, right? And of course, right as they get the phone out, he drops his shirt down. I'm like, God damn it. You know? And I'm hating life. I'm tired of shit.

And all of a sudden the lady at the desk just goes Mr. William Barrett, could you please approach the fucking desk here please? So I got shit. What are they going to say? They gave my fucking seat away and now I'm sitting on the toilet in the back and I walked up

and they bumped me up to first class, first folk and clay-ish. So I get on the plane and it's those first class seats that are diagonal that fold all the way down into a bed. So the second way airborne

I fold this thing down into the bed or unfold it, I should say. Put on my little sleep mask and just fucking pass out. I wake up three and a half hours later put the thing back up. I ask if there's any breakfast left. They say yes

there is. I got some yogurt granola and a fucking egg and spinach, quiche whatever the fuck it is. It was delicious and then I watched Mike Tyson's One Man Show and the second it ended we fucking landed. It was perfect.

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Okay, anyways, let's get back to the Mike Tyson One Man Show. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. It's... I don't know, it's Mike Tyson telling his story. And what I loved about it was...

there was times you love the guy, times you were like, I don't know about this guy, times you felt he was being sincere, and then other times you're like, this guy's, you know, as he says, he was a hustler and I'm just sitting there going, is he doing that right now to me? And in the

end... you know, you don't know. It was... I don't know, it was just a really... First of all, what killed me I think Mitch Green or whatever the fuck the name that... Remember that guy he punched in the eye and closed his eye.

He tells the whole fucking story and acts out the other guy wearing a Jerry Curl wig and just sit down and watch it and tell me you don't see Charlie Murphy on the Chappelle show. You know, and Dave Chappelle doing the

Charlie Murphy talking about fighting Rick James. I'm telling you, his story could literally be the sequel. All I kept picturing was Dave Chappelle reenacting this fight this epic fucking street fight that started in a store, ends up

out in the street fucking with the other dude on top of Tyson's car and Tyson just giving up boxing and I was just kicking the guy as they're both on the ground. I mean, it was an unbelievable story and fucking hilarious and I was

sitting there going, why is this guy so there was a style with which that he tells that story that was very reminiscent of the way Charlie Murphy tells the story and then I'm like, well these guys are like within five years of each other and they both grew up in Brooklyn around the same time and

I don't know, it's one of my favorite things that I've seen in a while. Granted, I was laying in a bed in first class eating a spinach and egg quiche. You know, you know Judah Freelander said to me one time, I watched some movie and I was like, you know

I was on the plane, you know what I watched? I watched whatever movie and it was a movie that got bad reviews and I thought it was good. I thought it was a good movie and he just starts laughing and I was like, what? He goes, Bill, every movie is a good movie when you're on an airplane. He's like, you're on an airplane. You fucking hate life.

You put this thing on and it eats up an hour and a half of your life. I'm like, all right fair enough, fair enough, but I got to say this, the Tyson One Man show which was done on HBO shot by Spike Lee you know what's funny about Spike Lee is how he always trashes Tarantino

about, you know, the characters dropping the N words and that type of stuff. If you want to see something funny is how Spike Lee views Italians like if Italians could be in black face, like they should be in his movies. They always like, oh what

are you fucking doing? Hey, you got some they're always wearing track suits it's ridiculous. I just watched Summer of Sam which I really like that movie but I had to hit mute when they were fucking showing the Italians when they were sitting down at that

dead end street it looked like a fucking bad musical from like 1953 so you know, I think he's got some work to do himself let me get some fucking spaghetti all right, sorry

that's my little criticism there's nothing better than somebody who's never made a fucking movie himself, never written one or anything, now I'm going to sit there criticizing one of the top directors out there, right? but anyways, he directed that and I really enjoyed it so check it out if you get a chance

hey, you know a movie I wanted to see and I didn't get a chance to see anything I was going to fucking go see Planet of the Apes and root against the apes as I was in the first one I fucking hated hated James Franco's character in that first one

I couldn't stand like I saw it with Nia and we're sitting there and once he gave that fucking he gave that fucking ape like pants and sneakers and shit you know, it was just like dude, what are you doing? what the fuck, what are you doing?

you're talking to an ape don't give it pants alright you can't have to think fucking dressing as good as you are Jesus Christ didn't you learn anything from the British

how they built their empire that little shit ass fucking little island out there ran the fucking world how did they do it? divide and conquer alright, you don't get to wear shoes anybody at this level gets shoes but no pants

then the very best of all of you who get to this level get shoes and pants that's what they did and then the people with no shoes hated the people with shoes that's what you do you don't go into your fucking closet

hey chimpanzee go ahead, pick yourself out of suit we're going out of the track like fucking Eric Roberts and Mickey Rourke and King of Prince Street whatever the fucking name that movie was the fuck was the name of that movie

the Pope of Greenwich Village sometimes I watch a movie and I go for the ride and there's other times like people just do shit that's just so fucking dumb it's just like I don't have any sympathy for it you should get your face ripped off fucking sitting there

you don't give a laptop to a monkey what's wrong with you okay think of all the shit we've done to him you can teach him how to drive a car like how does that end well so I didn't see the second one I'll go to the one where we fucking defeat him

I'm a fair weather fan when it comes to those eight movies when the humans win I'll come back and I'll watch that one you know I'll come by for the playoffs playoffs anyway so after we do the after we do the gig right out there at Jones Beach

you know I'm trying to get back to to New York as quickly as I can so I can fucking go smoke this cigar with Verzi before I jump on a plane in like fucking three hours so hardwick had a car

so he goes hey man he goes I'm going to hang and watch the set we can ride back to the city together I'm like perfect so I go out do my set fucking unbelievable crowd had a great time it was like oddly like intimate it felt like a small crowd that crowd was so fucking amazing

and you know thank Christ I didn't bomb I had a great set I got out of there said goodbye didn't take any pictures like an asshole so I jump in the car with hardwick and they gave us a police escort swear to God

out of the venue and up to the highway but this is what's funny this show is still going on so there's completely no need for this and we are basically driving through a full parking lot with nobody in our way with a police car

with its lights flashing and we sat there laughing going are we wasting taxpayer money right now and we're like well I mean they were hired here anyway so they were already hired for the event it's like what about the gas and the cruiser so there you go I got my first

police escort you know and there was nobody there to witness it other than me and hardwick and our driver I swear to God it happened it happened it took me 22 years in this business and it finally happened just imagine

Beatlemania if nobody gave a fuck that's basically what we were experiencing we had the nice car we had the police escort and other than the screaming fans there was just sort of

there was a guardrail that's all I saw looking out the window nobody saw it anyways let's plow ahead here so then I get back to the city and I meet up with Verzi another one of my buddies Doug Sinyee

let me name names all over the place two buddies of mine from the stand-up world and we go to this cigar bar and have the time of our life and both of them were golfers and they heard what the fuck I said on my podcast or whatever so we just start we just start going back and forth

and back and forth and back and forth arguing this golf point and I think I can actually make my point beatle I guess clearer and it's basically why I consider golf an activity

a difficult activity absolutely mentally taxing activity without a fucking doubt I just feel like you know when you don't have to be any sort of cardio shape like you can be in whatever shape you want to be and still win

like a championship you could be a fat fuck and I know what you're going to say oh what about those offensive linemen they're fat fucks fuck you they can run a 440 or a 5 flat 40 those are fucking athletes

and they are that size like the way sumu wrestlers are because they have to be that size okay they're told to get that fucking big alright Warren Sapp at his biggest weight

could still fucking win dancing with the stars okay you're talking an athlete here still light on his toes there alright I'm talking how you can just be a complete non-athlete you can not even throw a fucking baseball but you can be good at golf

or pool or bowling I lump all of those together they are they are they are activities with elements of sport it's like sport that you hit pause on because there's no defender

you know what I mean and then somebody just says you know Voss was saying he goes dude the other day I was out playing golf and I shot I was shooting in the mid 80s and he got excited about shooting

in the mid 80s and he goes next thing he goes there's no other game where that happens it's like yeah it does not only does that happen in every other fucking game he goes well you completely forget out of the play of the game yes it does that happens in every other sport and it happens in life it happens in stand up

there's been stand up comics that have gone out to do a late night talk show got so fucking in their head they forgot their act it's called choking in the moment you know I don't know I'm a great golfer because I don't give a shit

I don't respect the fucking game so I would never get in my head oh my god I shot a 14 who gives a fuck I'm not even keeping score I think that that's the dumb thing if you start keeping score it's like

you're playing cribbage out there I just don't understand the whole fucking thing I don't understand why people won't come to my way of thinking of it why don't you think my way we're arguing this fucking thing and just having a great time and the night ends

Verzi drives me down back down to the hotel we get out I get a bacon egg and cheese at like 4 in the morning and then I walk into a Dunkin Donuts and get a chocolate glazed donuts by the way people I'm off the rails here with the diet thing

and I'm starting to go back up again so I decided this morning I'm like I just have to step outside because right now I got the crack in me I got the sugar salt thing look at that bacon egg and cheese salt through the fucking roof oh I want to donut I don't want to donut

nobody ever wants a fucking donut unless there's salt through the fucking roof and I shove that down my fucking pie hole like Homer Simpson and then I go directly to bed horrific so that was the end of the night just had a great time and saw Verzi

he bought this you know Verzi's a sedan guy right because I was trying to convince him I was saying one of the coolest cars out there right now was the Mercedes Benz E63 AMG Formatic station wagon they made a station wagon

that goes 0 to 60 in like 3 and a half fucking seconds to me you know I got this like I love a fast car but I love a car that doesn't look fast that is fast a fucking sleeper right did I talk about this last week I can't remember

so I was trying to tell him why that car is the shit and how funny it is if he owned that fucking car you know if you're married with kids you know and you pull up next to some punk and they see you there with your fucking station wagon and then you blow them off the line

you know groceries flying out the back end and I'm German right and that's the great thing about Germans you know is their fucking their ability with science is incredible you know they're not the best at getting along with people

absolutely ok but who the fuck makes a station wagon that goes 0 to 60 in like 3.8 seconds huh the fucking Germans you gotta love you know you get that you get yourself some strudel

or a fucking Rubin there I mean what else do you need sorry sorry so anyways he's got this four door sedan man and I'm telling you it's a fucking badass car but I kept he's gotta get some rims on it you know

so I said to him I was gonna bring it up alright I'm gonna get I'm gonna try to use the power what little power I have on this podcast to get Paul Verzi to get rid of his his fucking I'm a 55 year old awful

old man awful rims on his car so if you have a rim shot a rim shot a rim shot it's a drumming thing if you own a store and you sell rims can you hook my boy Verzi up

if you hook him up if you give him a sweet heart of a fucking deal ok for some rims on his car you can advertise for free for 2 weeks on the Monday morning podcast how about that I'm throwing it out there you gotta hook up

Paul dude I called it don't say I'm from Jersey Verzi ok hook him up because I like his cars but his rims annoy me and they're gonna affect their fucking friendship there I said it alright alright let's plow ahead here

where are we in the podcast 39 minutes oh Jesus I think it's time for I think it's time for some more letters let me just bang out these last two advertising things oh I love this advertising here because this reminds me how close football season is

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ahhh alright let's get to the um let's get to the the reads for the week once again if you'd like to follow the podcast you can find it on Twitter our handle is at the MM podcast

that is our twitter follow me put all the links up to the videos you put all the links up for whatever the hell I brought up this week oh that picture of Jones beach we're going to have that up there and if you'd like to donate to the podcast well not you know but get something for your money

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something you know it comes my way they kick me a little bit of something alright um and with that let's uh let's get to the letters here alright girl smokes a lot of weed

hey Cincinnati bow tie Billy I don't even know what that means I gotta look that up um I've been with my girlfriend for two years and lived with her for about a year and a half she has smoked weed since the day we met which doesn't bother me because I used to smoke myself

what bothers me is how many times she smokes it in a given day we will sometimes be hanging out watching tv and she will out of nowhere get up to grab her bowl to take a hit I've even caught her getting out of bed in the middle of the night to take a hit

after all I used to smoke myself uh she just looks like a drug feed always trying to get her fix I don't get why she has to be high 24-7 I have a beer one beer after work maybe one to two days a week

and sometimes she will throw that in my face if I comment about her constant weed smoking which isn't even close to the same thing I've always said this about weed smokers I've always said that about them the level that they get they get fucking high at work not all of them I'm just saying

they'll fucking go out they'll be like if I went out in the parking lot and shot gunned a beer and came in with booze on my breath and it is addictive not to everybody but you can become addicted it sounds like she is addicted to this shit like she needs it to help her sleep she needs it so she can fucking deal

man anyway sometimes she will throw that in my face if I comment about her constant weed smoking which isn't even close to the same thing she also complains that she is broke it has no problem spending $100 on a bag of weed

what kills me is she will sometimes ask me to help help her out with a bill or whatever and I'm just like what the fuck how about you don't buy weed our relationship is great this isn't a deal breaker or anything it's just an annoyance

should I just deal with it or should I try to get her to chill out with weed I have a lovely Nia smoked weed all day thanks go fuck yourself I would address it I would definitely address it okay yeah she has a problem with that shit if you are waking up in the middle of the night

and taking another hit I mean I always just equate it to drinking because for some reason people can see alcoholism but they can't see addiction with weed I remember somebody and in the middle of the night

they got up and poured themselves a belt or two a couple fingers of scotch and slammed it and then went back to sleep or right in the middle of a movie they went over and just fucking shotgun to beer and I because that's basically what they are doing

it's not like they go out and make a drink and they are sipping it they are not there they are getting high they are not gradually getting drunk it's like you do it boom you are high she is doing it all the time and she doesn't have she is not making any money and then she is asking you to help her out

I mean what if you didn't have a job and you were drinking at the level that she was smoking and you were spending 100 bucks on beer every week and sometimes you would ask her for help um what would she do

she would be upset now this is what I would do I would bring it up with her you cannot get mad and this is the thing you cannot get mad too if she yells and calls you names

and everything just do not get mad just sit there and know that she is you know you are going to lose the fight if you bring up her weed smoking and then she is like what the fuck you fucking blah blah blah and if you go to where the fuck she is there

you are going to lose because then it has become a name calling thing and she has successfully gotten it out of the arena of what she is doing is fucked up you just need to stay in the pocket and be like listen

I don't mind that you smoke weed I drink beer okay but you are smoking weed 24-7 you are getting up in the middle of the night and you are smoking weed and I am worried about you and you are asking me

you are blowing $100 a week on weed and you are asking me to help you out sometime okay now in all fairness if I was blowing 100 bucks on beer every week and I was waking up in the middle of the night drinking a beer and they are going to pull at you

that is not the same thing, yes it is you are altering your mental state with alcohol except you are using marijuana alright so I care about you and you are kind of going down basically it is your job

to keep your woman in line and it is her job to keep you in line and that is not some sexist shit when I say keep you in line which means when they see you going out of bounds they see you going up river a little bit like Colonel Kurtz shaving your head going the horror as you sit there in the corner

fucking shotgun and a beer it is her job to be like I think you are starting to your drinking is getting a little out of control what you do when you love somebody so just know that she might not be ready to hear that shit but she has to hear it from you you are just trying to help her out

and if she flips out and calls you a bunch of names just say listen I have said what I had to say I am more than willing to discuss this with you later when you have calmed down but I am not going to get into a name calling argument with you and you leave it at that

and then they have no fucking choice they have no choice other than to just fucking chill at that point or they continue calling your names but after that they are going to owe you an apology and if they don't apologize

and they can't admit that they are wrong that is a whole other fucking red flag you know because I couldn't be in a fucking relationship with somebody who if they fuck up can't be like you know what you gotta have that

so good luck with that sir next one what the fuck to do sir burr love the show and listen weekly thanks for making my money entertaining well you are welcome I am 39 and separated with the child and I started seeing a woman who was

43 divorced with her own child here is the story about 2 months into the relationship we were getting serious and we started discussing a future together however our relationship started to erode about as quickly as it started and we ended up breaking up after dating

a total of 6 months one of the reasons we ended things was that we didn't agree on wanting more kids she wanted more but I didn't we ended on such a bad note that we agreed to not talk anymore um at this point I am like good

that was a very mature relationship early on you said what you both wanted was that you didn't you wanted 2 different things and you walked got a little ugly there for a second but who gives a fuck anyways

he goes as luck would have it about 2-3 weeks after we broke up she called me to tell me she is pregnant oh my god wait a minute she wanted more and I didn't she pulled the goalie

ah dude you didn't want more kids did you use a condom oh my god she goes I did not know how it was possible ok because we took precautions but I guess I slipped up I slipped one past the goalie I was devastated and worried because not only

do I not want more kids my current financial situation would limit me greatly in my ability to take care of my child and another child my question to you is what the fuck do I do I would get a paternity test definitely

get a paternity test to make sure it's yours I mean that's a prayer I'm not saying anything bad about this woman but you gotta throw the Hail Mary here and hope maybe you get lucky because my question to you is what the fuck do I do she doesn't want to have an abortion

and told me that we should get back together and have the baby is she lying she said if not she would try to legally prevent me from having a part being part of the child's life

as I was writing this she was about six weeks pregnant so a lot of time a lot of time to stress about it um yeah dude fuck all of that she's gonna I mean

let me just read the last paragraph because I'm not stupid enough to go to a comedian for advice however I do think you have an interesting perspective on life and I'd love to hear your point of view this situation has since been resolved see below to see how it turned out

but answer the question before you see the result thanks and go fuck yourself well I don't see the result here below I'd love to know what happened Jesus now you're leaving me hanging and now all my listeners alright here's my thing if any woman said you know

you got me pregnant and I didn't want to be with her and she said if you don't live with me and we have a relationship you'll never see the kid I would just be like

that's no way to go into a relationship okay you want to find love okay and the way to find true love is not to hold somebody hostage okay we made a mistake now we're going to be adults and we are going to raise this child in an unconventional way

because we do not love each other so it's not going to be fair to the kid if we're both together it also will not be fair to the kid if you prevent the kid from seeing his mother or his father okay so we need to be adults and put this kid first

and set aside our differences and be as mature about this as we possibly can the next 18 years are critical in this kid's life and we need to suck it up alright so let's get on the same damn page here

alright I mean somewhere along the lines I would say that but I would definitely get a fucking paternity test because you never know what somebody is doing and you kind of seem like dumbfounded about a pregnant who knows what happens

she seems like she wants more kids she could be this desperate person that was you know I don't know what but stranger things have happened so I would definitely get a paternity test and if she gets mad fuck her who gives a shit

if she gets mad and be like listen you know you shouldn't say this but in your head you gotta be thinking this is somebody who's fucking crazy enough to basically threaten me into her life you don't have to do that you're crazy enough to say a kid that isn't mine is mine okay

she's not acting stable right now so I don't know and that is healthy paranoia that is not you know if I ever said some shit like that on the view you know what kills me is

they would toe the company line but I swear to god backstage you know bitches it's crazy Phil Collins and Genesis oh by the way we're talking drummers here I didn't realize this I just got tickets to go see Primus

band that I've always been meaning to see and Tim Herb Alexander is back in the band and I love the way that that guy I always love the way that guy has played and I got some tickets me and Roses, Joey Roses are going Joey Roses by the way

who has a new comedy CD coming out I believe September 2nd he's going to give me all the details but go to JoeDarosaComedy.com I believe is his website I don't know what his fucking website is why don't I do a better job promoting an old pal's

fucking website by actually having the decency of looking it up here sorry for the poor audio quality right now alright JoeDarosa has a website I don't know what it's fucking cold

you call yourself JoeDarosaComedy.com alright let's see what he's got here he has some shoulders but he lacks the meat between his neck and bullsuckets alright where do we go here

why is my fucking internet so goddamn slow whatever it's JoeDarosaComedy.com he's got a new fucking comedy CD coming out and damn and I stand behind it as does everybody else here in this podcast which should basically be me but anyways I didn't realize that

Tim Alexander had a heart attack but he's doing great and he's recovering well judging by the stuff that I've seen him post on his twitter account and that type of thing I'm really happy for him because he truly is one of the great drummers of the last

24 years Jesus Christ has it been that long since I've been listening to him but so whatever if this somehow gets to him happy to hear that you're doing well and continued healthy lifestyle alrighty okay

Phil Collins and Genesis may have been done oh by the way thank you to everybody that also donated to Benny Grebb's DVD he's raised 99% of the money so that really means a lot to me and

to help other drummers which will help music which will come back around even if you don't play drums you get to listen to better drummers making better music so I really appreciate everybody who donated that was pretty awesome alrighty okay last time starting this, Phil Collins and Genesis

may have been done before but hey Billy Bruford you're a drummer stupid you must know him I am you'd have to insult me because you felt insecure about your obscure reference alrighty on last week's podcast

you brought up Mr. Phil Collins and Genesis you absolutely nailed how incredible Phil is as a drummer I am an early Genesis fanatic from Trespass, Nursery Crime, Foxtrot selling England by the pound

and the lamb lies down on Broadway and he has in parenthesis dude you know what's funny is I don't know anything about early Genesis I just know Phil Collins he's a fucking amazing drummer I know that they were a prog rock band and that Peter Gabriel who later sung Sledgehammer

gave himself a reverse mohawk at some point when he was in that band anyways he says that dude as you may guess should be Bostonian because it's the best album oh the lamb lies down on Broadway dude

that's how that was supposed to be read alright well I'll check that one out anyways he said when Peter Gabriel left the band in 1975 these guys auditioned singers for months no one could get it right so what did old Phil Collins do

he stepped out from behind the drum kit like a badass and took over the role as frontman and drummer from there they remained true to their roots for a while I'd say at least three to four albums and until of course as you pointed out the cash cow came along and they climbed aboard the proverbial money train

but that should not discredit these guys they have my ultimate respect in the end you finally wanted to get paid and go out and get yourself a fucking station wagon that went 0-60 in 3.5 seconds I totally get that Phil Collins kept it real

he never got hair plugs or a toupee he just held on to that landing strip forever however that's not to mention brand X which was Phil's jazz fusion side project that's where his drumming really flourished

the album product is a must dude this is like some hardcore music geek shit and I'm loving every second of this Phil always surrounded himself with brilliant drummers hey there Cleo, Bill Bruford there and Chester Thompson

of Zappa fame not to mention that bitchin Tarzan theme right no Tarzan theme Tarzan sorry I've been out here too long sticking Tarzan up Thursday, August 21st Genesis posted to their official facebook page

a new logo and a promise for exciting news some have speculated a possible reunion with the 71-75 lineup including Peter Gabriel and Steve Hackett which I would come buckets for Jesus Christ dude I don't need that visual

he said I am a musician, Bill you bring your drumming up and music in general keep it up and the Mike and the Mechanics name Mike and the Mechanics dude's name is Mike Rutherford how British can you get cozy smug cunt I am

yeah I love all that type of shit do you know I'm gonna do another one of those god damn comedy jams I can't figure out what song I'm gonna do but some of the songs I've been messing with have double bass in them and that's something that when it comes to double bass drumming

I am a snob when it comes to it I'm actually a cunt when it comes to double bass drumming because I can't do it on any level but I have some hardcore opinions about it I don't like when somebody uses it

to enhance all their fucking fills around the kit just running underneath or just doing the quad thing that always annoyed me because it makes you sound you're doing these bottom quads but you're kind of cheating

however if you get somebody who actually utilizes it to enhance a groove or even a fill like I would say Tim Alexander some of the drumming that that guy recorded

it's astounding I kind of got into this thing where I felt guys who played single bass drum could play a better groove than somebody that played double bass because you just had this extra it's like you had this howitzer underneath you

and they just couldn't resist jumping on those fucking things every chance they had to do some insane sounding fill and I always felt like the guys I just felt like the guys that had the least amount of shit played the best

like a Steve Jordan you know played a little four piece kit I mean that guy could literally just give my hi-hat a ride cymbal bass drum and snare like a quest love same thing and that guy could get more goddamn music out of it than some guy that has like a 50 piece set

I kind of went into that and then which was there was an element of truth to it but it was it was an arrogant like mindset it would be the same thing as it would be like a clean comic is better than a dirty comic and you're not listening to what they're saying so I've actually come around

now and there's a bunch of players that that I like but it's but like if there's no groove I can't get into it if you just fucking playing like a zillion miles an hour like I gotta admit like those those blast beats and that type of thing that's fucking insane that somebody can do

that but after a while it's just played so fucking fast it all sounds the same maybe I need to listen to more of it to be able to hear it but my favorite part in death metal is when the singer for like half a second

you actually hear what his singing voice really sounds like before he goes back to that type of shit so anyways so I've been I'm going around with some some of that double bass shit I'm not

gonna say what it is because you know the reveal I guess I wasn't supposed to say that I was gonna dress up like Tommy Lee last week did I talk about that by the way we fucking we smashed it man we got off to a

a little rough start I fucked I always fuck up the beginning but I was psyched cause I fucked it up in that I didn't stop when I was supposed to restart but I just kind of kept going and if you didn't know the song you wouldn't notice that we fucked up so I felt good about that and

and you know once again it took us a second then we got on track it's just kind of hard to come walking out and be doing stand up and then finish that and then walk behind the kit and then count off a band enough fucking up it might at my drumming level it's a very difficult thing to do

uh hang on a second I've been given a note here need to get my stuff okay all right I'll see um anyways so let's let's let's plow ahead here all right girl stalker

hi mr. Bill I'm from the Czech Republic well how are you how's it going do you ever go up to Hungary and get some of that fucking art deco furniture that they send over here what is it from Budapest you know charge us a fucking zillion dollars for it

anyways he goes I listen to the Monday morning podcast like every single week and I love what you're doing well thank you he goes I know you don't owe me anything but I really need some advice right now yes I do owe you because you're walking around the Czech Republic going have you fucking heard about this red-edged cunt over there in the states and someday

I'll do a gig in Prague you guys got a funny bone over there because I'll do it um he said there's a chick living in my neighborhood and she's really into me I mean a lot and much more I would like to

I was gonna say your English was fucking unreal and I wasn't believing that you were from the Czech Republic by going this is there was a chick living in my neighborhood you're using the slang properly and he then the next sentence he goes I mean a lot and much more I would like to

all right she calls me in the middle of the night keeps knocking my door calling my name throws rocks at my window and once climbed on a tree next to my house came inside my room and wait waited under my bed until I arrived yeah dude you can't have this

that's fucking creepy I didn't even know she wasn't barefoot was she she's barefoot I think she's a vampire you know they always barefoot and they have like their breath is cold I don't know how Jesus I didn't even know there is something

like girl stalking but now I'm starting to be worried the only thing I did was helping her back on her feet when she fade out on my friend's party couple of months ago I don't want to be mean or hurt her feelings she's pretty nice girl but this is way over the line

any advice yeah you gotta tell her to screw you have to totally cut her off and you can't have any interaction with her because any sort of interaction with this woman is going to make her feel like you guys that justifies her relationship

you know what I mean I feel bad that she's in this mind state but you don't have to deal with it first of all lock your fucking window and if she ever comes in your house again you need to call the cops

I would stand outside and have the cops go in and get her out and I would have legal record that that's what she did and then don't talk to her at all don't answer the phone don't nothing nothing

you have to cut her out of your life because she's out of her fucking mind alright that's what I would do and when she cries or does whatever do not comfort her and go I'm sorry but I'm just not into you in this world the relationship just started over again

you have to fucking you have to you gotta cut the head off the snake end it alright there you go alright when is too old to start a band well listen I just started playing out with I'm not in a band I gotta tell you dude it's fucking

I gotta tell you something going down and doing that god damn comedy jam and sitting in with the band is the most fun shit I've done in a long time butterflies this nervous excitement you know how long it's been since I've had that I'm getting outside my comfort zone

and I know obviously I'm not gonna join a band or anything but whatever that experience is artistically is gonna help me in my acting somewhere down the road that experience is gonna fucking help me and um I don't know it's just the best

it's the fucking best anyways he goes when is too old to start a band hey Bill my boyfriend oh she says sorry oh nice a female wrote in god damn it I love when this happens says my boyfriend of two years has been involved in a he's always

he's been very involved in theater and music he was in bands throughout high school and college as a drummer about a year ago he joined a cover band which I'm totally supportive of it's a really nice hobby and I love going to his shows now we are getting pretty close to moving in together

um he talks at length about our future that um what we need to do to get there etc basically we are being grown ups and despite what you're probably thinking he is actually the one that brings up our future and more than me I'm not judging you I know I'm a cunt

but I'm not judging you I'm reading this open mindedly he goes well she goes well I'm reading this open mindedly as I keep calling you he she says this um well about a week ago he says that he and the chick in the cover band

want to start their own two person original band and based on certain things he has said he seems pretty serious about trying to make something of it i.e. comments about me going on tour with him or about becoming a rich music musician etc my first

reaction you're 31 you don't really like your job much parenthesis people that hate their careers tend to want to try something else you talk to me about our future and what we have to do to get there you want to start dedicating your time to a two person band

I haven't said any of this to him because I don't want to come off as unsupportive but I mean at what age do you face the reality and stop trying to live out a 15 year old's dream granted it seemed very unlikely that anything will come of it

sorry just being honest but doesn't this seem like a midlife crisis 10 years too early I should mention he also sent me this horrendous skull tattoo today that he suddenly wants on his arm or am I being selfish

and an asshole be blunt I can take it alright there's a lot of shit going on in this one is 31 too late to start in a band technically no I don't think it is

when you said that he's having a midlife crisis I hate that expression and however at first I didn't like that you used it until he was talking about getting the awful skull tattoo on his arm that gave that loaned a lot of

credibility to the midlife crisis comment I would say this I think this is a person that wanted to be in a successful band and is now 31 and is realizing

like fuck if I'm going to do this I need to do this now alright but going out and getting the skull tattoo is that really I don't know about that part that's making me feel like your assessment

of the situation without me seeing this guy play I can't tell you but like at this point he's in a cover band and he has a job and that is your relationship

this guy has a job he has a steady income and he has this cover band now all of a sudden he's going to get a skull tattoo he is creating an entirely new dynamic so you're in the right to be like what the fuck are we doing here

and you're in a tough position where you don't want to be like listen this dream that you've had but for some reason didn't go after it the way you should have I understand being in a cover band to like pay the fucking bills but if you're not making original music

there's only so far that you can have so I actually don't think that you're being an asshole the skull tattoo thing is really like a major fucking red flag to me that does he have any other tattoos

if he doesn't have any other tattoos and out of nowhere he's like alright I'm going to stop being in this cover band I'm going to finally take this fucking thing seriously and I'm going to go out and get some fucking awful goddamn tattoo yeah I would be kind of concerned about the guy and what he was doing

but as far as the whole midlife crisis thing that gets thrown around a lot when somebody goes after a dream and there's nothing wrong with being 31 years old and then to assessing your life being like wait a minute I've been on this road I don't want to go on I need to go on this other road

and I think a lot of times people who aren't going after a dream can relate to it I'm not saying this is you but they can't relate to somebody going after a dream and taking a big risk and they attribute it to having a midlife crisis or they don't have a dream they're just going

to work and that's fine working for somebody else and you know doing the nine to five grind as long as you make enough money and you have your benefits and you like where you live like that's fine like that's your dream

and they can't understand somebody going after something but I would definitely not call it a midlife I don't know I guess it is technically a midlife crisis I mean all the midlife crisis is like fuck I better get on the stick or the things that I wanted

in life I'm not going to have it's like you know me when I'm sitting here talking about you know I'm finally going to get myself a nice fucking car if I can ever get finished with this goddamn downstairs you know I'm talking about some of the cars I'm looking at you know and it just comes to it's like

if I don't ever do this I'm never going to do it I think when you're young you can be like oh I'll do this someday I'll do this someday someday I'm going to do this you can lie to yourself and in life you have to understand that no if I don't

do this I'm never going to do this does that make sense if I don't go over to fucking Europe I'm never going to go to Europe unless I get my fucking ass over there I'm never going to have this car that I always wanted unless I go down to the dealership and fucking buy the goddamn thing

um and I don't know when people see you step out of what they think that you are which is I play in a cover band and I have this job that I fucking don't like it's very easy to say are you having a midlife crisis he could also be having an awakening

okay so this is very delicate thing oh man it just keeps coming back to that awful skull tattoo to me that just seems like first of all that's the hackiest fucking tattoo out there

you know to get you know fucking I'm in music till I die what's going to be a guy with a skull fucking playing drums I mean that's just bad and I just look at that like you're dressing up like a rockstar rather than legitimately being one and I don't think you're being a dick here

I think what you're an asshole I think what you're doing is he's going to he's making this big decision that's going to affect both of your lives in a major way so you're not being a an asshole so right now

what you have to do is literally try to like diffuse a bomb okay you gotta make sure you cut the right wire and what I mean by that is you're able to convey your concerns like listen I support you and all of that and I know you don't like your day job

but you know I mean there's just no way to say you're 31 you know you are 31 years of age um I would say look

he's kind of making a move for himself here so you gotta make a move for yourself what I would do is I would talk him out of the skull tattoo just say listen this is how you get rid of the skull tattoo just say listen I will support you okay

you get with this woman you guys start making this fucking music okay but you're not getting the skull tattoo alright and then go down and watch them and if they seem like they have something a range of things have happened

I would never tell somebody not to go after a dream I would tell them not to get the skull fucking tattoo but see if they have something and if it seems like they have something then I don't know I don't know

that is a then I guess you have to assess do I want to take this fucking ride cause that is a motherfucker of a ride um yeah that's what I guess

I kind of was all over the map there but I think I came to a point no skull tattoo you can start making this fucking original music together and like I mean I don't know how do you go out on the fucking road unless you're actually doing well what are they gonna do

you know they have to make some great music but I would just lay it on the line it's like you're asking me you're making a major change here where music was your hobby and now you're gonna make it your full time thing and you're talking about taking me out on the road how are we gonna afford to do this and all of that type

of stuff I will support you making the original music but you are by no means getting a skull tattoo on your fucking arm because that is a tramp stamp for a guy okay unless you're in a motorcycle gang and you murdered somebody

like there should not be any skulls on your body alright there I said it okay and that's it that's the Monday morning podcast for this week go fuck yourselves football is around the corner cannot wait for college football and all of that type of shit

that's it I got nothing else to say don't take any shit go fuck yourselves and please don't get a tattoo of a skull on your body alright see ya some people say the metaverse will only be virtual but one day firefighters will use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings

faster saving crucial seconds when lives are at risk doctors will use the metaverse to visualise scans and make quicker decisions in A&E and though woolly mammoths are extinct in the metaverse students will go back to the ice age to visit them

the metaverse may be virtual but the impact will be real www.youtube.com.au