Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-26-24

Episode Date: August 26, 2024

Bill rambles about bear spray, ring camera surveillance, and glued up protesters. Lands End:  See why thousands of brands count on Lands’ End Outfitters. Go to business.LandsEnd.com/BURR and use promo code BURR for 20% off your order. Helix:  Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners!  www.HelixSleep.com/BURR Stamps.com:  Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage, and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts.  Go to www.Stamps.com click the microphone at the top of the page, and enter code BURR.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, August 26th, 2024. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? Oh, sorry. That was a little too loud. How's it going?

I saw the whole thing turn red there. Like old Billy Redface. Oh Billy, chilling out on a Sunday. What do you say? What do you do? Oh, I was doing so well with my temper. But it came back a little bit over the last two, like two weeks. And now I got, I just keep settling back into those trained lab rat responses.

Like this morning, I take my lovely wife and my two beautiful kids out to breakfast. So we're driving my wife's stupid electric car, and it's bing, bang, boing, and it goes do, dee. Like, it's the same two notes of night court do do do do do so anytime we're in the fucking car it goes boody right and i don't see what the car is saying to me i just anytime the car goes boob it i just go boo do do do do and then i don't fucking look at the dashboard um because i don't need the fucking thing talking to me. So finally, you know, we're

on the way over there and it keeps doing that. And I keep going, and I keep going near it. You notice it's the same two notes as the beginning of the night court. And she's like, I get it. She didn't say that, but I saw that on her face. And finally she goes, oh, it's saying, you know, that door isn't all the way closed. You know, on my son's side of the car. So when I stopped at the red light, I reached back to open and close the door. And when I turned around, the car in front of me had moved up a little bit. So I move up to like close the gap and this guy comes flying in on a motorcycle Like almost clips the front of my car

I'm like, what the fuck and then he fucking turns around looks at me and he makes this motion Like you got to pull up and he was shaking his fucking head and I gotta tell you Like I Like I can't tell you how much that fucking pissed me off. Like I obviously love motorcycles and stuff, but people on motorcycles and fucking bicycles with the shaking of the fucking head and never any sort of acknowledgement like the guy in the motorcycle, like how fast he came in, came flying in, there was no like, hey, what if this guy in this car doesn't see me?

He doesn't take that, like just totally in his own fucking ego. And then he does that thing like, I don't know how to fucking drive. And then he's shaking his fucking head at me. And I just wanted to go get out of the car and knock in the back of his fucking helmet and be like hey fuckhead

do you think maybe you were going too fast maybe? On any fucking level do you think maybe you came in a little bit fucking hot? You don't think that you didn't make any fucking presumption there? That I saw you? That I was just going to stay there, that I wasn't going to pull up, that maybe I wasn't dealing with the fucking situation. Jesus fucking, what the fucking head shaking. People on bicycles all the fucking time, they're always directing traffic and then

shaking their fucking head. It's fucking hilarious because it's literally like they're in their own world and they want the whole world to be in their world and understand whatever the fuck it is they're doing. Simultaneously while they could give a fuck what you and in your world are doing. Shaking their fucking head always with the shaking of the head other than falling off a motorcycle and a fucking you know or a bicycle the number one injury they must have is is fucking you know over torquing their neck shaking it from fucking side to side oh these fucking people on bicycles you know LA

starting to do this thing where they're building bike lanes which I think is a great thing I don't think there's anything wrong with riding a bicycle but this is what they do it that they build the bike lane like New York City they build it close to the curb and then they put the parked cars on the outside for you know for an extra buffer of safety which is great but but then they make the road it it goes from two lanes, now it's one lane, so they create all this fucking traffic. All right? And this is the great thing.

They've done that on the way over to my writer's room, right? They've done that to this fucking street, and the amount of traffic that is created is just, it's unbelievable the fucking how much it's jammed up traffic and then for the life of me I have yet to see one fucking cunt on a fucking bicycle using the bike lane but then you go to all these other roads that have no bike lane and they're totally exposed and these fucking assholes are riding side by side shooting the shit with like a funeral procession behind them and what are they doing when you drive by going do what the fuck what do they do what

do they do what do they do they shake their fucking heads I swear to God they're like people on motorcycles and bicycles are the fucking hot chicks of the fucking road I'm sure people in cars doing the same thing. You just can't see it, but the fucking shaking of the head Shaking oh god. I mean, how do you not know? How do you not know what I'm about to do? How are you not between my I have it all figured out? I'm about to do. How are you not between my, I have it all figured out. I'm a good driver. I'm a good rider.

Get the fuck out of here. You're a self-involved fucking jerk off, making the assumption that everybody fucking sees you. And then you're going to get hit, and then it's a big fucking tragedy. All right, whatever. I don't want to do this on the day of the Lord. Huh? On the day of the Lord. That's so funny. People still go to church praying to this guy like he's still paying attention. I'm telling you, he's moved on. He's moved on in his fucking

studio flat. He's moved on to a new canvas. And everybody, you know know at my church are going alleluia alleluia alleluia god thinks i'm awesome because i showed up as long as i say this shit i'll go to heaven Fuck what I did this week, I said I'm sorry, I'm fucking better than you. I got a hooker on Wednesday, felt guilty Thursday morning, then I confessed it's Saturday behind a curtain and everything is absolved. Fucking STD flowing out my shaft. Hallelujah. Anyway, I've been doing stand-up lately. I was dangerously fucking falling off, going the other way there, right?

I took a little break. And it's a weird thing, I was standing up. I take a break break and it's a weird thing I was standing up. I take a break past a certain point, I'm just like, I think I'm good. Like any job, I don't give a fuck how much you love your job, you take a little vacation from it. The first couple of days, if you're like me, you're jumping out of your skin, you don't know what to do with yourself. You know what I mean?

But then after like four or five days you settle in and Then after like a week or something you just like yeah, you know, I think I'm good. I Think I did that I Don't I don't want to go back And then you go back to work right because you have to then you go back to work, right? Because you have to when you go back to work. And what do you do? You shake your fucking head like somebody on a motorcycle or fucking bicycle. Uh, two modes of transportation that I love.

This is what kills me about LA is along the LA river. They have miles and miles and miles of bike lanes where you can ride and not have to worry at all about anybody fucking running you over and nobody fucking uses it. Nobody fucking uses it. It goes from fucking the valley all the way out to the fucking ocean. You can ride along those things and you maybe, you maybe, like when I'm flying, when I look down at it, you know, because that's a spot you could put it, you know, if I had a problem, I maybe see four people.

And then you look at the freeways and it's all jam-packed with the cars. I just, you know, at some point they should make Firestone and GM and those guys pay for these bike lanes. I think they should because of what they conspired to do, but then again they they fucking paid off the politicians way back in the day. Isn't that right? It's kind of weird that they're building these bike lanes and like nobody's really riding. There's not a lot of people riding bikes out here in Los Angeles. So I'm like, why are they doing that? Is that just like one of those things like, you know, like every corporation out every

commercial they have like an interracial couple, like every single one of them like to show like, listen, we are the world, you know, is there fucking giving you products that give you cancer and they don't give a fuck, you know, polluting the environment and all that type of shit. But look at we have, we have a progressive couple selling this shit that you don't need. I'm all over the map today. That's all it takes is one douche to fucking shake the head and then direct me with the car like teaching me how to fucking drive as you drive like a fucking jerk off coming in too fast. I swear to God. I swear to God. If it wasn't assault with a deadly weapon. I mean, that's the kind of thing that makes somebody just go, what if I just step on the gas and drive into your back fucking tire. It may be a horrible fucking thing to do. I would never do it, but the thought goes into your fucking head. Anyway, the hell was I talking about?

Oh, these bike lanes that they're building out here. So I feel like they're just doing this to show that they're, to cover their ass. When global warming gets even worse, to be like, we tried, we built bike lanes, you didn't use them. Or they know some sort of economic collapse is coming to such a fucking level that they know that no one's gonna be able to afford a car

and we're gonna need these bike lanes. However, if nobody can really afford a car, then you could just ride down the regular streets, right? I always thought rather than like Making a bike lane. They should just surrender a whole fucking road You know that runs east west and north south and just be like this is for everybody riding a bike If you fucking ride a bike anywhere else, you will get a fucking ticket. You will actually be forced to obey the rules of the road. You

can't run red lights, you can't fucking do any of this shit, and if you shake your fucking head, someone can legally come up and stab both of your fucking tires. All right, I think I'm over it. I think I got that out of me. So last night I'm at the Comedy Store working out my bullshit. I swear to God, I think I got like, I think I have 40 minutes of shit. And it is shit. I already can't remember

most of my act, which is a good thing. I'm just fucking like the way a narcissist just like is done with people and gets a new batch. Here's one for you because I'm obsessed with narcissists so I can fucking avoid being in relationships with them. If you know somebody who's a narcissist, if all of a sudden out of nowhere they're just being super nice and not fucking, you know, dumping their shit on you and actually asking you about you and all of that type of stuff, what that means is they've worn out everyone in their life and they're looking for a new batch of people.

So they're doing that, what do they call it, love bombing or something. And they just start complimenting you and doing all of the, you know, I know what you're doing, I know what you're doing. Your little fucking roller coaster ride, everybody got off at the last stop. you need a whole new train a whole new train of fucking people to get on to get on board that you can just fucking wear out speaking of those fucking rides six flags who somebody should say they should call that park six red flags i don't think i've ever seen a fucking amusement park that has more goddamn problems with their fucking rides.

There was they have one down in Mexico and there was some sort of crazy weather so they just had to shut everything off so no one would get electrocuted. These people like stuck up on the rides. It seemed like they did the right thing and they got people off the rides quick enough. But me and my wife got stuck on one of their Superman roller coaster rides and it wasn't working. And the guys came over to the fuse box with the yellow, all yellow beekeeper suits and they got it fixed. But I gotta tell you, man, it was starting to get like, you know, like, all right, control your breathing. You know, like, all right, control your breathing. Don't get claustrophobic.

Just chill out. You're fine. You have plenty of water. You have plenty of food. You got a lot of time. They're going to get you out of here. I was starting to go into that as my wife was like starting to freak out, which was starting to make...

There's two times in my life my wife really got in my head and started making me go into a panic. It was when we got stuck in Jersey at that fucking Shithole six flags And that time I was in Springfield, Massachusetts I got off this roller coaster and I fucking that's six flags and I stood in line at the next ride And I was in the time I was standing in line I just heard boom from the ride I just got off of in one roller coaster had rear-ended the other one and the poor woman that was sitting in the front Car of the roller coaster that rear-ended the other one like her face slammed and she broke her fucking cheekbone

Safe to say Six Flags will never advertise on this podcast Anyway Safe to say Six Flags will never advertise on this podcast. Um, anyway, uh, what was I talking about? Back it up, Bill. Your brain thinks linear. Six Flags Springfield, Six Flags, oh, the other time my wife freaked me out. Uh, was we went on a hike, you know, around, around the world, they have the seven summits. Well, they have that out here in LA, the seven summits and each one gets higher. They're obviously, it's not like climbing Mount Everest.

So we went to go on one and I think it was like number two of the seven summits to ascend. You know, if you want to like run from the voices in your head, that's a great thing to focus on. I'm going to do the seven summits and I'm going to get in that shape and I can just, as long as I keep moving, I don't think about the fucking horror behind me. So we went into the woods and, uh, we're going up the trail and the further we walked on the trail, there was nobody on

the trail. And I had like this stupid bear pepper spray, right? And Nia started to get like panicked of how far we were. And I was into the woods and I was telling her to calm down, everything's fine. And then in the back of my head, I was like, why am I out here in the wilderness without a gun? This is such a stupid, suburb city kid thing to do. I got my fucking bear maze, and I'm like, all right, there's only black bear up here.

From what I heard, they're not really interested in human beings, but there's always, you know, the couple, two, three people that seem to get mauled or killed every fucking year by one, right? So I'm trying to like block that out and we get three quarters of the way up the fucking trail And I'm playing a cool go like look, we're fine. We're fine. Everything's fine. I got the bear mace you know and I have no idea like how far into the wilderness we are or not and

We get three quarters way up and all of a sudden this guy comes flying by on a mountain bike. Which I was like, oh God, thank God. So we made our way all the way up to the top. And this is the funny thing. We get all the way up to the top and we look down the hill and we can still see our car. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Cause it was like this big sweeping trail. And I didn't realize that when we got out of the car the hill in front of us was the thing that you were walking up. It felt like we were sort of going diagonally into the woods and all of that type of stuff. So now I'm going to wait for all the fucking hunters and everything to talk to me like I'm a fucking moron because I didn't have a compass and a gun and a fucking I don't know what else uh a Knights of the Round Table suit on like it's just like well you know I didn't grow up with outdoorsmen so I mean what do you want from me okay I stay out of the ocean. Isn't that enough? So anyways, those are the two times in life since I've been with my wife that I've really

fucking freaked out other than right before I was going to get married. I had like a fucking panic attack, you know, and then the second I said I do, I was just like, I'm an idiot. I should have done this 10 years ago. And I'm not going to say it's been bliss ever since then. No, it's been great. I was actually thinking that the other day. I don't want to jinx my relationship, but I was thinking about how fucking solid I am in this thing. You know? And that's all you can say in a relationship, how solid I am, because you have no fucking idea how solid I am in this thing You know and that's all you can say in a relationship how solid I am because you have no fucking idea

With the other person, you know, you have no idea Not saying I'm paranoid or anything, but I've watched enough for these fucking The Iceman remember that thing the guy was out there fucking killing people and in like His whole family thought he was like a widget salesman. And then one day he finally gets caught and they're at the trial and he fucking confesses to that hit and then all the other ones and his family is like gasping and screaming and crying. They just cannot fucking believe. It was really a testament of what a great father he was they was that like because you know you'd think that he was okay well they had no idea he was a hit man but i'm sure he was a fucking asshole at home it didn't it seemed like he was great he's out there playing catch and doing all of that stuff. Speaking of which,

it's the end of the summer. The saddest thing ever for me as a dad, I hate that they're going back to school. I hate it. I love hanging out with them. They're fucking hilarious. So last weekend, I did a daddy daughter trip in an RV and everything.

It was funny, my daughter wanted to be in an RV and then my wife found out that we were going to be staying in an RV park and she's like, you're not sleeping in that. I don't want my daughter sleeping there. Like it was a fucking meth trailer park. It's like, it's a fucking RV park. If you can afford an RV or like fucking can rent one, you know what I mean?

I mean, I'm sure it's shadier than a hotel, but she goes, no, she's sleeping in a hotel room. So now it's kind of defeated the purpose. So we ride up in this fucking behemoth and I get like a parking spot and all of that type of stuff. And then we stayed in the hotel and we just had like the best. She was just psyched to be in something that had like a, like a dinette, you know, riding up.

She thought it was the coolest thing ever. And we got to see, you know, there's a bunch of car shows. We were up in Monterey, man. It was just fantastic. And I spent like three and a half days with just me and her. And we were already close. And I feel like we're like way closer and, you know, just everything. It was fantastic. And then yesterday I spent the whole day with my son and I took him over to the greatest drum shop in the world, at least in this country I would say, his pro drum shop in Hollywood.

We went over there and he had no idea what this place was. And you know, you park in the back and you walk in, you have no idea. If you walk in the front, you see what it is. And I opened the door and my son, the look on his face, when he saw all of those drum kits, all of those symbols, all the hardware, all the sticks, people playing drums, he went in there like he couldn't believe

a place like that existed. You know what I mean? It's like when you were like a little kid, if you like a little kid used to think, you know, when I get bigger, I'm going to go into the toy store and buy every toy in there. Or I'm going to go to get ice cream every single day. There's those little kid things you have. It was like that look of like wonderment on his face going like how like is this My hallucinating how can a place like this exist and What I love about my son is he's not like He gets shy every once in a while

but in general he's like really outgoing comes in says hello to everybody and Then just starts playing he gets on this hi-hat. He's opening and closing it to everybody, and then just starts playing. He gets on this high hat and he's opening and closing it and playing it. And it doesn't sound bad. And he's just looking at all the drums and he's got this smile on his face and he's hitting the drums. And he's looking at me and he just was,

he was beside himself. And I had like this, just this plastered on like ear to ear grin, just watching him. I'm not saying anything, I'm just letting him take it in. And he just keeps looking back at me. I'm like, go ahead, go ahead, try it out, try it out. And then he like, you know, I just bought some moon gels or something. Cause I got this little drum kit, you know, I just bought some moon gels or something because I got this little drum kit and I told you about like a little 20 inch bass drum for them to

play on. And it became time to go. And he didn't want to leave. He almost started crying that he had to leave, which I hate. I was like, you know, five minutes or whatever, but like, um, that's going to be like that place. Meaning that was the first time and I videotaped him being that's going to be a place we're going to have a lot of memories. I can already tell you, uh, that's a major overlap between me and him. So we come home and he's like, dad, I wanna play baseball.

So I go out there and I'm throwing, you know, I'm pitching lefty, I'm a right-hand person. I'm trying to learn how to throw lefty just cause like, I heard it's good for your brain, you know, to like do things with the opposite hand. So I have them, you know, switch hitting and all that, not cause I'm like this psycho dad that wants them to make it into the pros.

I'm just doing it because I know their brains are growing and I feel like that's just a good thing for that development, right? And then we went out, you know, to the garage, into my drum room, and I got the two kids facing each other. So I want to sit him down on the little one, he doesn't he wants to sit on mine so I put him on mine and he's playing and I'm playing and then I look at him I go hey buddy and I just do a simple fill right. I literally just go you know get don't don't don't crash so he smiles and he it. And I just keep adding a little difficulty to it. Next thing you know, it's like we're trading fours

as much as you can with like a four year old, right? And then after a while, he wants me to do what he's doing. So he starts playing like his ideas. You know, he's hitting sticks and rims and all of that. And it's, you know, you know, it sounds like he's playing along to a Frank Zappa song, but you know, I'm trying to like, but it's still good for me because I have to listen to what he's doing and played the rims and the sticks and all of that all at the same time. But what I loved was,

it just flows through him. He really, I feel like he has something. So, and then I was like him when he was in the drum store because before I even had kids, like this was like a fantasy of mine. You know, when I was trying to fucking get over all my bullshit and make the step to get married and have a family and everything, which took me forever. The fantasy was that I would have these kids that liked music like I did and then I could jam with them,

you know, get them into music. And what I'm hoping is eventually they meet other kids that are into music and then dad slowly backs out of the room and then they're off and running and having the good time that I had when I was growing up. Cause there was like, there was nothing like that, man. I remember when being a kid and like, everybody used to always come over to our house cause I had the drums and that was like, you know, as opposed to just bringing an amp and a guitar

it was way easier to do that than to come than for me to lug all my shit out. So they used to come over there and that would be like, it'd be just like the best thing is they, you know, they come over and it's like, what songs do you know how to play? And just trying to have to figure it out. And if they played like a different style than you did, and I was like, oh, fuck, like, I don't, how do I make that groove happen, you know? And it was sort of the awkwardness of it. But then afterwards they would leave and then I was like, oh fuck, like how do I make that groove happen, you know? And it was sort of the awkwardness of it, but then afterwards they would leave and then you'd think like,

I wanna know how to play like that in case I'm in that situation. And then like your drumming vocabulary, whatever like would expand. So anyway, all of that was happening yesterday and the weekend before I got to hang with my daughter and then like, now they're going back to school go back to school tomorrow Today today in the podcast they start fucking school and

I am as sad as if as I was back in the day When my summer vacation would end like ah fuck back to school, you know, you were excited For two reasons one you had new clothes two reasons. One, you had new clothes. The only time of year you had new clothes. You know, everything was too fucking big. Your shoes are like one size too big. Your pants were all fucking, you know, all ruffled up down the bottom.

You'll grow into them, right? And then you were going to, you get to see all your friends You get to see the girls you have crushes on It was just the fucking best but then you just sit there then you'd meet your teachers and you get the books And there always be a couple one or two cool ones Then you just had the whatever ones and then you just had that one you're just like going all right this is gonna be the one I'm gonna

get. I'm not gonna do good in this class and this teacher is gonna hate me and separate me from my friends and like clockwork that's what happened. I remember I had this teacher in third grade and by October she had me and my three friends like he had like whatever four or five rows of desks this is back when there'd be like 30 kids per class you know when there's a bunch of kids and uh she would have she had a sitting in all four corners so we couldn't look at each other you know so? So I was in the front desk closest to the door. So it'd be the shortest walk when she would send me down to the principal's office, I guess.

And then the last desk of my row was one of my friends. And then all the way, the last row all the way to the left, first desk was a friend. And then, so that was easy. I could kind of lean forward and glance at him. And I could also see the kid diagonally behind me, but the dude way behind me, I could never see him. But I would just look over, I would still remember. The second she would turn away, but it was hard. No, no. Was she a lefty?

I think she was a righty, so she had her back to me. So it was hard for them. You know what I mean? It's like I was on third base, they were on first base, so they couldn't really have a long lead. So then it was kind of on me to be like the fucking class clown or whatever. And that's what I did. That's what I did when I went to school and that's why I didn't study in school. And if I can tell you guys anything, I mean I know a college education, I don't even know what the fuck it means right now, other than a bunch of debt. But I will tell you, you know, I don't know if this would have made a difference, but if my parents took me

To college campuses because they were really into education so they would go to them and they would just be all excited themselves but they never sort of if they just said like listen if you study and Do your homework and not be an idiot. This is going to be your reward you can go to a school like this. You know, like whenever I look at like UCLA, you look at that fucking campus and you just think to yourself, like people get to go to school here.

Live here, I can't fucking imagine that. You know, and they got big sports programs and that's a way to stay connected with the school and your friends the whole fucking way. I don't know that's not the path they ended up going down so I don't know I guess it all you know you always say you know it worked out how it's supposed to work out it's like no that shit happened and now you're here and just to make yourself feel better I think you're just saying that shit. I'm just babbling here because I don't

have my advertising reads or the questions yet, but I just wanted to knock out the first half of this podcast here. I want to apologize to the Red Sox bullpen. I made a little snarky tweet where I said, you know, there's nothing more exciting than the Sox bullpen. I made a little snarky tweet where I said, you know, there's nothing more exciting than the Sox bullpen. And I was corrected by somebody that knows way more about baseball than I do. And it said it's actually they're starting pitching. I go, we talking about it.

I thought we had the best starting pitching in the league. Maybe that was a few months ago. He goes, no, no. Yeah. Lately they haven't been able to give us six innings. So the bullpen's arms are worn out so my apology To the Red Sox bullpen, but I will say this I will say this I

I'm really enjoying watching this team and we have I'm telling you we have legit Did you see that catch by that fucking shortstop the other day totally laid out? I know he doesn't have the highest batting average, but we got it. We got enough bats You need something you need a gold glove guy and there's no way that guy's not gonna win a gold glove making plays like that but we have legit superstars at third base center field and I think our shortstop and Casas at first base and That O'Neill kid out and right like we we have like, we kind of have a ridiculous team and our starting pitching, I don't know what happened to them,

but they were all right. So, and we have a great manager. So I kind of feel like, like we're in a really good place. You know, I just feel like we just add, I don't know, in the off season, that's the big thing. In the off season, if we can just get a couple of pitchers or figure out what's going on, like this could be a great thing.

Also this is becoming like my favorite time of year. Like the playoff races and October baseball and everything. And I don't know what it is. October baseball is just my favorite thing in the fucking world. It's cold out. They extra mic up the crowds. Like I think what would really help baseball is if whatever like fox baseball whatever they used to do when they were just like you could like you hear the ball going into the glove and you hear like the just the sound of the crowd um that's like that thing you know with these new

ballparks you can really hear it in october how much it changes the sound like old Yankee Stadium had this iconic fucking sound The new one doesn't have it because the Lower level is so fucking expensive that none of the real Yankee fans can afford it or they're just downstairs Eating the entire fucking time It's so weird that that you just I've kind of gotten used to it at this point but I remember when they first moved into that stadium I saw all of those empty seats. You know the Yankees are always in like first or second place. I'd be looking at it going like where the fuck is everybody?

And then one time I got hooked up with some seats down there and it was hot as balls and then if you went down the tunnel it was air conditioning and they had like prime rib and he could stand down there watching the game I went back up because I was like I'm not gonna be the douche that does that but I get why they do it I've been talking about this for a few seasons now, you know, I have to be honest with you. I don't have a solve for it. They must be making so much money off of those seats that they don't care how it looks, but it's a bad look, especially if you're the Yankees.

It's fucking unacceptable for it to look like that I would think I guess come the playoffs they look alright how about Aaron Judge did he hit his 50th yet fucking guy is on a tear anyway I guess I'm gonna pause here because now this is when I have to do the advertising and the reads and and all of that stuff so through the magic of editing, there will be no pause. Oh, I didn't bring up the lady last night. I kind of failed last night. I was at the store and I was trying out all this new shit and there was this woman in

the crowd who within like two sentences fucking hated me. And she was right down center. I saw the look on her face and I was just like yeah, you know That's how life is not everybody's gonna like you, you know back in the day someone like that would really like bug me, right? so I'm just plowing ahead with my axe. So I try this new joke And it doesn't go well and I'm frustrated because I've been trying this I know it's funny and I've set it offstage the right way And I've made people laugh

Like I had my mother-in-law dying laughing in the kitchen the other night when I said it. And I didn't write it down how I said it because I never write shit down. So I was, maybe when I was on stage, I was mentally, I know what I did wrong, I skipped a piece of information. So I did the joke, it doesn't land the way I want to. Then I get frustrated.

I'm just like, ah, this fucking joke. I go, you know what? I got to add this other piece of information and just spoon feed you guys this information so I can blah, blah, blah. And then that lady doesn't like me. She goes, yeah, yeah, spoon feed it to us. That was just like...

And I looked at her. She was a woman of a certain age. She was alone. I mean, she had a girlfriend with her and I believe this gay dude. Or beta male. I don't know what he was. All right, but that was a deal. I mean, dyed hair. I don't know how old she was. Definitely had cat lady vibes. Definitely had that vibe of, you know, people can't handle me, you know, the old version of that. So it was basically T-ball. I could have said so much mean shit to her, but I didn't. I just said, you know what? I go, I'm not doing this.

Okay, this is too easy. And then she just kept going, oh yeah, yeah, I'm too easy. I'm too easy. And she just was like, kept making those statements like I was afraid to go at her. And I just said, you know, the old me would really just say a bunch of mean stuff right now. And then afterwards I would feel bad. I'm not gonna do that to you.

And I just moved on. But she just kept fucking yapping she wouldn't shut her yap she just kept fucking yapping and I just I failed I didn't go all the way I put my foot on the accelerator. I didn't put it to the floor. I just made one comment about her still dying her hair. It's like, what do you think? People think you're 26. You know, we all know you're 72, whatever the fuck I said. And I kind of left it at that. I didn't fucking say what I could have said about her her personal life and all of that type of shit and it's just like I think

Now looking back at it You know, it's funny at one point the security came over to throw her out I was like no no no Don't do that. Don't do I don't want her to have that story Because I knew it was just gonna she was like a no, no, no, no, no, don't do that. I don't want her to have that story. Because I knew it was just going to, she was like a fucking egomaniac. Okay? And I'm just in a part in my life where I'm just, anybody like that, I just diagnosed them without any sort of psychology degree or anything. Everybody's like a fucking narcissist now.

Some people are just cunts. That would be me. I would say I am in that category. Some people be like, well, Bill, maybe you're a narcissist. Is that why, you know, you get on stage and do what you look at you? Look at you. You're standing on stage doing this. I don't know. I don't think that's what it is. I think it's a crushing need to be liked. It's more of an insecure, more of an insecure thing. But anyway, overall, the set went well. I wish I just went out and go, you know, you don't like me, you don't find me funny. And then I could have just been like, what do you, what do you feel like I should be doing up here? That could

Make you like me more But I am happy that I didn't I'm not even gonna say it on this podcast all the fucking mean shit that I could have fucking said But and I'm also happy that I got more upset with that fucking motorcycle riding cunt Shaking his head fucking making the gesture for me to close the gap like I'm fucking some You know 12 year old girl that doesn't know how to drive a fucking car Oh

All that one got me But I think that's a normal reaction I mean, I know I'm a fucking psycho but like, you know when another adult shakes their head at you That like that that is like I don't know what that's that's like if you were doing like, you know the college football rankings You know as far as non-verbal stuff, like if somebody gives you the finger, that's like, like hacky at this point. That's sort of like, uh, like the Dodgers. You know what I mean? Like, every year they're in it and then they just choke in the playoffs. So I mean, they're you know, they're ranked but you know, Nobody's worried about them, right?

I gotta take a shot at them. They've spent so much fucking money. It's ridiculous. But like shaking the head and I'll also say like the directing of traffic like telling you where to go like trying to teach you how to be a better. Oh, like there was a part of me. I needed that guy to know like, you know, I was turning around making sure my the door was closed. It didn't close all the way because this fucking I don't know what it is about her car. Like my car is a 2017 and if you shut the door, if it does, if you didn't quite push it hard enough, it just sort of closes it for you. But this fucking thing doesn't, I don't know. I don't know what its deal is. You kind of have to slam the doors a little bit, like on my old truck, the passenger side door, I need to like, you ever seen that giant wrench?

Like this door doesn't close right? That's that, that's that big protruding thing that the, the door assembly hooks onto. And one time I was at a garage and I was like, yeah, this thing doesn't fight. And the guy took out this fucking giant wrench. He literally was going to go work on a train. And he just turned it a little bit

and the door closed perfectly. Now there's a handy wrench to have around, huh? Thing weighs like fucking 10 fucking pounds. And it's also like, you know, it's a good weapon if somebody comes into your house He's only one good kind of weapon bill. That's a fucking gun. You're right. You're right You're right if you don't know how to fight you get a gun right I mean that's why I would get one Look at me, I'm just gonna fucking this is like Look at me. I'm just gonna fucking this is like

No advertising no questions. I'm already 43 fucking minutes in I gotta shut up now because I gotta do I gotta do the reads here Here come the advertising reads everybody a little word from our sponsor or sponsors Right, just like that old Billy Freckles is back Through the the magic of, just like I said. Okay, so here are the reads. Here are the reads for this week. Somebody new here. Oh, geez.

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There we go. Finally, finally, we're getting to what you guys wanna talk about. This first one written in people's intrusive neighbors, neighbors, neighbors. Hey, Billy the Butcher. Love the podcast and hope you come back to Milwaukee soon. Well, it's no secret that's one of my favorite cities. I'll tell you, I've listed them too many times.

I love Milwaukee. I will try and and you know what? Guess what? That's where they make all those goddamn Harleys. I will try and keep it short and sweet. Recently, we got new downstairs neighbors and nothing has been out of the ordinary until one day I'm walking back home and see a ring camera placed on their back door. We have to pass this door every time leaving or entering the house.

So what do you like? Share a common entry place? door. We have to pass this door every time leaving or entering the house. So what do you like share a common entry place? I find it intrusive because I'm getting recorded by my downstairs neighbors basically every time I enter or leave the house and legally the ring camera can be there. Can be there no issue. I think you missed a word there. The idea I'm recorded every time I enter or leave the room, bring friends over to drink, they're able to pull up the video and possibly send the video to the landlord. Fuck that.

I asked my roommate what he thinks about it and he said he doesn't care. What do you think? How do I handle this situation? Am I overreacting? Anything helps. Thank you. care what do you think how do I handle this situation my overreacting anything helps thank you no I mean you have a nice healthy sense of privacy it all depends on like how nosy your neighbors are but here's the thing you're not gonna win this fight you're just a tenant you don't own the property and nothing's going to help you. So you either move or you deal with it.

Um, I don't know. Like I would, uh, try to think of a way. Is there, is there like a bed sheet that you could put up and just tell you if you're sort of like in this common area, it seems like it's a duplex. Is there a sheet? Just tell them to wear a hat, have their head down, and then walk up and then they pass the sheet. And then if they have a problem, just say,

listen, man, you want to film people coming in and out of your house, I don't want people to feel like they're being filmed coming in and out of mine. All right don't want people to feel like they're being filmed coming in and out of mine. All right. And that they escalate it, just say, Hey man, it's none of your business who comes in and out of where I live. And then you grab them by the lapels and you say, and if you know what's good for you, you mind your own goddamn business.

Here's another thing. Um, you didn't hear this from me. How do I say this? You ever just like, you know, as a joke when you were in high school, your buddy had something on his desk and you went over and you just flicked it off the desk. It was just funny. You know, maybe you, you know, you still have that muscle memory somewhere in you. I'm not advocating doing that. I'm not advocating going on a different side of the house with a BB gun and shooting it off from the side in no way, shape or

form, you should not do something like that if it really bugged you to that level. The problem is, is you shouldn't do that because your other neighbors probably also have them. You know, and I also feel like people that do stuff like that when you go to them and ask them not to, it's like they get like drunk with power, that they're doing something that bothers you and you can't stop them.

Like there's a lot of, there's there's an incredible feeling of no power of powerlessness. Um, that's why it's such a crazy time right now with everybody sort of gravitating towards like lunatics and extreme thought and everything is because everybody feels like fucking powerless and they just now just want to hear some crazy shit so they can just be like, ah, you know, now it's really thinking about like that mumble rap shit and everything and how

like people pretending they're on drugs or they're like on drugs is really an expression of maybe you just want to numb yourself because there's so many huge, crazy fucking issues going on. I don't know what it is. But anyways, getting back to the ring camera, there's really nothing you could do about it, but you could maybe embrace it and have fun with it. And I don't know, why don't you have some

of your friends dress up like mobsters and have them just sort of act in shady and just walking in and out of your apartment. You know? Or just hire like 12 whores in one week and just say, I'm not gonna hook up with you, just fucking walk in and out of here. Like, cause you got to understand,

like this person doesn't know who these people are and they don't know what's happening in your apartment. So you can create your own fucking Netflix series in this guy's head. That's another way to go. You could have fun with it and just create this thing where now this guy has no life because he's trying to see who's going in and out of your apartment Because he thinks all this crazy debaucher shit is going on and there's nothing and then maybe Maybe he calls the cops

And then they go in and you got nothing but like fucking a PlayStation and you know beers in the fridge like I don't know what you're talking about Just be like yeah. Yeah, that guy's a weirdo, man Yeah, he's like super paranoid and then you just fucking You know police start a file on him or you could just move. I don't know. I Know all the bullshit. I just said I think I like the having fun with it like alright You want to fucking film everybody see what's going on? I'll give you a show All right little women but don't don't do anything I was joking about the whole vandalizing the thing yeah I just try to have fun with it or like move or something like that and but I do like the fact that you're

thinking about your privacy and I think your roommate is wrong with, and I think that that's a problem a lot of people have where they're just like, you know, hey, I don't care. You know, hey, don't put all your shit online. You know, there's gonna, you know, just identity thieves out there. Hey, dude, I have no credit. I feel bad anybody steals my fucking identity. It's like, dude, they create a false credit report

And then all of a sudden the fake you has good credit and then when the shit hits the fan You're on the hook for all of that stuff Um, so it's always a big deal All right. Here we go. All right little women Dear billy buttered biscuit balls burr I had a buttered biscuit tonight. I've been not doing well with my diet. I gotta get back off the bread. Enough of the bread. Love the podcast and your comedy. I'm listening in North Mississippi. What's

going on SEC? Here we go. Starting another great football season. I am 47 and made a profound discovery with women around the age of 41. Get rid of those little women and get a tall woman. I am 6'3 and have always dated women that were 5'5 or shorter, or shorter, as taller women in my area weren't very common. Then I met my wife about six years ago. She's six feet tall, has legs longer than mine. Maybe they are more clear headed because they are closer to fresh air, but I swear all of

the taller women have their shit together. It's like, wow, that's interesting. And you know, what a fun survey to do. It's like comparing larger breeds of dogs to ankle biters. Oh my god. Yeah well you know what probably happens is most guys you know aren't you know the average height is under six feet tall so they're intimidated to talk to her so she's not getting the attention that these five foot five chicks are so she had to develop a personality. I told you guys that story one time, one of the fucking cutest hottest chicks I ever saw

on a flight, I was on my way to Cleveland and she was just cool as shit, shooting the shit with me and at one point I said to her, I gotta admit I don't think I've ever met a woman as beautiful that's as cool as you are and then she laughed, she goes, oh I used to be fat. That's what it is. That's what it is. So maybe I thought it was just a looks thing. Now you're adding height into it. This is very interesting. So anyway, yeah, it's like comparing larger breeds of dogs to the ankle biters. Most larger breeds are noble and studious while those ankle biting pocket pups can't wait to lose their shit and tear on an ankle tendon. Same thing with the women. Just an observation. Take care and go peg your

pudding. Hey, I would say that's a good stand-up bit if you ever did that. That's a funny idea because what I like about it is there's probably an element of truth to it. It is an overall generalization and it would piss off a lot of women in the crowd unless they were cool. Well, there you go for taller guys out there. Maybe I know a lot of tall guys. They don't want to date a tall woman because they don't want giant kids. That's my one time. I had a guy drive me from JFK and I swear to God, he was like 6'10". And you know, he's fucking just jammed in this town car.

And I was, you know, first thing I said, of course, I was going, dude, how tall are you? He goes, 6'10", or whatever. And he goes, my wife's only 5'1". I go, 5'1"? He goes, yeah. He goes, I didn't want to marry tall. He goes, I don't want to have fucking giant kids. It's just hilarious.

So his kids kind of averaged out around 6 feet. It's still kind of funny that you just sort of will yourself into just like what you're looking for you can also fall in love with, I don't know. What are you looking for physically, you know? Anyway, pregnancy fake out, dear red herring. I live in California, 26 year old male, been dating a 21 year old. I met at work who was staying here in LA

during her time going to college. We hit it off and then she moves back to her home in Oregon where her family is. She had mentioned being in a past relationship with another guy from Oregon here and here and there, reminiscing which I thought nothing of and went into guy mode of, I can fix it, it's fine and persuaded our possible future together by spending a summer visiting her up north. Wait a second. She mentioned being in a past relationship with another guy from Oregon here and there reminiscing reminiscing which I thought nothing of and went into guy mode of I can fix it, it's fine.

Oh, so you didn't like her bringing that up. And pursued our possible future together by spending a summer visiting her up north. The fresh air and scenery there was as breathtaking as being in love. A good time was had and we made future plans going forward to continue with me moving in at her place. We part and I return to LA. Weeks later she calls me at home and announces she is pregnant and I am the father to which I respond very supportingly with anticipation. Wait a minute, in two weeks she knew she was pregnant?

Ugh, I had somebody do this to me. Uh, turns out she made a mistake and wasn't pregnant after all, instead calling it a myopic pregnancy. The fuck does that mean? Which should have been a clear warning there of playing games. Did she just say that to see what you would do? So we keep in touch while working out the logistics. Did you just hear my voice get quieter? I'm getting nervous.

So we keep in touch while working out the logistics of having a consistent life together as a serious couple. Parentheses relocating jobs, home life, et cetera. A month goes by, she calls and lets me know she had hung out with friends at a pool hall recently where mutually her ex was also a part of the group dude one one thousand two one thousand three one thousand look if nothing look reach pull that's all I'm thinking right now that was the instructions the one time I went sky

diving static line arc one thousand, 2 1000, 3 1000. Look, you're looking for the chute. If nothing, look down at your reserve, reach, pull. Get the fuck out of this, dude. Next thing I know, oh, it keeps going. Next thing I know, she tells me she is pregnant now. She's pregnant for real now. It's the ex's baby and wants me to be there when the child is born. What?

I would be like, well, why don't you go, why don't you fucking bring the guy that rod dogged you? The fuck do I have to do with this? We argued on the phone since she wouldn't give a clear answer at first as to who had gotten her pregnant and it ended very sour. Who gives a fuck who got her pregnant? She went out and fucked somebody else. What's hers the most is I still wanted to be friends with her since that's how our time originally started so well.

I feel distraught and used. Yeah. And want to know what would bill do thanks and go fuck yourself as Hard as I'm kicking myself What would bill do if I was in love with her I would be doing what you're doing which is Thinking things that don't make sense Here's a question. I would ask you if you weren't in love you weren't in a relationship or whatever You weren't something stable and I came to you with this story. in love you weren't in a relationship or whatever you weren't something stable

And I came to you with this story. What would you tell me to do? you would tell me to get the fuck out of that relationship and There's plenty other women you could be friends with that aren't gonna treat you this way alright I got to tell you something dude you fucking dodged the biggest bullet other than a real bullet is Getting some psycho chick fucking pregnant and fucking up Your best years as an adult. Okay, you dodged that and it's football season Okay, go get the NFL package on YouTube

it's football season. Okay? Go get the NFL package on YouTube. Fucking forget about this chick. You got a great fucking story. Um, go to the gym, get yourself in great shape, and change your number. Alright? I'm very happy that you aren't that other guy

that knocked her up. What a fucking dope he is. All right, gluing yourself to a runway. What? Okay, hey Billy Ballbag. Greetings from Frankfurt, Germany. Oh, my motherland. I'm German Irish over there.

I'm a long time listener, first time writer. First of all, thank you for making the daily traffic jams enjoyable by making me laugh with your podcast. I was lucky enough to see your show in Prague last year and really enjoy it. I had a great time out there. I don't know if it has reached the US yet, but in Europe, Germany in particular, climate protests have gotten more and more common. Well, thank God somebody's paying attention. As a fellow fucking centrist I prefer not to lean in either extreme

direction on this issue. All right before I read the rest of it or does not really thinking it's that big a deal a way that you're coping with it to just sort of block it out. I don't know. As people are starting to label these protesters as terrorists, I find that a bit extreme. Oh you went a different direction. I find that a bit extreme, but there was a situation where the protesters glued themselves to a street and unknowingly kept an ambulance from saving a life. They glued themselves to a street and then what ripped the skin off their back and it started to affect my place of work as well. I don't

understand why protesters feel like that whole thing like I'm we're gonna be annoying and piss off our fellow citizens and then the news will pick up on the story and then somehow people will be sympathetic, empathetic or whatever to our cause. All you're doing is annoying the shit out of people. This person goes on to say I'm an aircraft mechanic. God bless you. Slash engineer and the protesters broke into multiple airports and glued themselves to the runway This could have caused major injuries accidents and even death I guess I just want to ask you how far is too far even if the issue was important Thanks for the laughs and go fuck yourself you ginger cunt

Forget about how far is too far. It's not effective. I 100% agree with their cause, but I didn't even see them do that shit and I fucking hate them. They're idiots. Why are they ruining people's days? Are they gluing themselves to streets and runways because of the emissions? That's just not the way you get your point across. I mean, if you took the same style of parenting, you know, that's just a one-way ticket to

fighting your son in the front yard in front of the neighbors one day when the kid is 16. I agree with the cause. Something definitely needs to be done, but that's not the way to go about getting your message across so You know, but things like that attract crazy people That is sort of a weird Psychological thing why normal people don't I guess they're more reserved. I don't know why regular people don't just have like a nice protest and be like, yeah, hey man,

we're not trying to glue ourselves to anything. We're just letting know this is going on. We should work on it. Here's some information. Here's some ways that you can do this. Here's the politicians you can write to. Sorry, I'm yawning. Just like that. Instead of fucking screaming in megaphones and being fucking idiots about it anyway DO documentary bonjour, monsieur rouge Bonjour monsieur rouge you've gotten check you got to check out the documentary about Ronnie James DO from 2022 It's called DO

Dreamers never die. All right right I'm all over that I love Vinnie Apasi such an underrated fucking drummer he is a fucking monster and he's got such a killer groove and his drum solos this just the way he puts his ideas together he that guy's the real deal. Anyway, it follows his entire life and career from Elf to Rainbow to Black Sabbath and ultimately leads up to the formation of the band Deal. I had no idea he started as a trumpet player. Then as an Elvis style crooner in the late 50s, early 60s, his background as a trumpet player transferred perfectly to his singing. Very cool history. Well, so many of those musicians,

those original sort of wave of rock stars was what was so interesting is that they had a jazz background combined with rock and roll and like they had all of that stuff. And that's why those fucking drummers were so goddamn good. I think. And then also, you know, you had to play by listening to the records and you developed your ear. And then there was like just pockets of musicians feeding off of each other that would create new sounds and new styles where the internet, Instagram and everything has created just one giant town, which is weird. I guess within Instagram,

there are like different areas you can go into with music. Oh my God, yawning my ass off, sorry, in different areas with music, but I feel most people are grabbing from the same area. You know the people with the most views just keep coming up in your Whatever the fuck you call it your little scrolling thing there Anyway continuing I had no idea or said okay It's also directly covers the death of heavy metal following the introduction of grunge

directly covers the death of heavy metal following the introduction of grunge with smells like teen spirit, which I know you've talked about on the podcast. A must see if you haven't already. Go love yourself. All right, I'll definitely check that out. You know, I'll be honest with you. I thought like the... I always kind of thought Jane's addiction the ritual album

was sort of the thing that to me was sort of the writing on the wall that this new amazing music was coming and Oh god, I hate to fucking say this but like I've really been listening to a lot of grunge and It holds up a lot better than a lot of that fucking you know Some of the hair metal shit that I was listening to some of the lyrics are just like oh boy. Oh Boy, yeah, I got a little the 80s are weird. They're really fucking weird, you know, there were a bunch of good bands, but there was a lot of fucking, I don't know what was going on.

And that in rock, in metal, in sort of that post-punk, like New Wave, and just, I don't know, just a lot of that. But then there's also some great shit in just, I don't know, just a lot of that. But then there's also some great shit in there. I don't know, I've never been able to like figure out the 80s because the age I was. I'm just like too close to it. And like every song that I hear takes me back to this fucking memory of being a kid

when I had like no responsibility, no credit card, no debt, no nothing. So shit that I didn't even like in the 80s, if it's from the 80s, I just, when I hear it, it brings a good memory and I smile. So I don't know, I don't know how to fucking wrap my head around that, but like, I've been listening to some Stone Temple Pilots, you know.

That Nirvana record, man, that's, it's just sonically, like what, how that smells like Teen Spirit, that record, Never never mind just the just the sonic experience of it is fucking incredible it's fucking it's stands the test of time and I finally listened to Pearl Jam that 10 10 album, and I really liked that too. And I'm just going like, wow, man, I should have been, I just wasn't old enough to be open minded. But I always liked Soundgarden and I always liked Alice in Chains.

The thing that happened with Nirvana was in that Smells Like Teen Spirit, he takes a solo and he starts making fun of tap on solos. And, uh, in the words of Michael Jordan, I took offense to that. And the thing about it was though, now looking back, he was actually right to make fun of it because it had totally just spun out of control where a lot of the solos being taken were like notes for notes sake. But there was I will say this, those guitar players of the 80s, I don't give a fuck what you say, they could fucking play.

They could fucking shred, fucking shred out here in LA dude. You couldn't fucking you couldn't You couldn't walk two steps without bumping into somebody that could just fucking Shred I don't think it's ever been like a definitive sort of historical documentation On how good the musicians were You know in that whole scene all they do is they just make fun of like the hair and the fucking the power ballads and all of that. They kind of forget that, that like to be able to play like that. These guys must have been locking themselves in

their rooms and practicing for God knows how many fucking hours and then trying to figure out what Eddie was doing and Randy and all of those guys. It's really amazing, but I don't know. It took me a long time to fucking grow up when it came in a bunch of areas. Forget about like listening to music or whatever. So I'm finally, I can not be a douche and actually gave grunge a chance.

And it's fucking great. All right, right there 30 years later the apology I was 100% wrong I was just being a baby because I was there was no more fun birthdays you know 16 I got my license 21 I turned of age 21 and a half I got arrested for drinking and driving and then it was just fucking downhill after that and then grunge came in and took all my bands away hey it's a rough time for old freckles there all Alright, that's the end of the podcast here. Yeah, that's it. Alright, I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you have a wonderful week and go fuck yourselves and I'll

check in on you on Thursday.