Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-27-18

Episode Date: August 27, 2018

Bill sits down with comedian Tom Papa.

In the mountains, in the kitchen, even in the living, they really lie everywhere, the empty batteries. But now we're going to the finish, bring them quickly to a BeBat collection point. You will always find one in your neighborhood on BeBat.be BeBat! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. August 27th, what's going on? How are you?

As you know, I don't have a lot of guests on my podcast. Every once in a while, I'll have someone that interests me. I'm in a leather chair. I'm not constantly farting here. I'm just adjusting my weight. I have one of my oldest friends in this business. I've known this man since 1995, when we were a couple of nobodies going around fucking New York, trying to get spots.

He has his name. I'll just introduce you. Unbelievable comedian. Mr. Tom Popp, everybody. Nice to be here, Bill. 95, that's amazing. So I was only doing stand-up for two years when we met. Is that right?

You were already really good. 93. I wasn't good. I was loud. I was loud and fast. Well, I remember Geraldo Restisselt used to tell me that the way you used to stand on stage, you were in some sort of like Warrior I or Warrior II. I was sort of weird lean.

I would. I called it the lunge. I would lunge. I would like lean. Yeah, I would kind of like bend my one leg and kind of lunge that way and talk to that part of the audience. Then I would lunge the other way. Talk to that part.

I bet it got laughed so. Yeah. They probably like, he's a character. He's doing a character. We can build a sitcom around this guy. Look at him. He's a young guy. Like back then, that was the whole thing.

Long, bushy, curly hair. Huh? Probably about 25 pounds heavier than I am now. Oh, you were heavier. Yeah. And are you a partying back then? It was like my crazy, my wife calls it when she saw a tape of it. She didn't know me back then.

She saw me probably 10 years after that. And when she saw it, I don't know if you have like a good tape of you when you first started, but there's like, they're all so classic. And she saw it and said, it looked like my crazy brother showed up in came to town and started doing comedy. Your Roger Clinton showed up. Right. I didn't kind of look Roger Clinton this had that kind of almost a mullet, but not really.

I got one in, uh, I forget where the hell I was. I was doing some local Boston show. Yeah. I mean, it was taped. Someone's got to have the tape somewhere and I was wearing basically the clothes that I wore to the dental office that day. I was still working them. I was definitely wearing the pants.

Right. So I had like powder from the rubber gloves and God knows how much germs on me. Cause I like the only way to make the gig was I had to work and just jump in my car and go. So I brought a chair, a chair, I brought a shirt. So I had, uh, I had on navy blue dockers and then I had a shirt. Uh, it was navy blue stripe and like, like pea soup green horizontal stripes. I had a big red Afro tucked in and a shirt tucked in.

No, no grunge. It already hit at that point. Nice. So I started at 92. So it was already like rungers already going. So it was like, if you tucked in your shirt, you were part of the eighties. Oh God. So the shirt, I believe was untucked.

It might not have been now that I think about it, but I was, I just remember I was pointing at the crowd when I was every like, like enunciation. I was doing this thing. You remember when Trump did that thing, you're fired that little snake thing. He with his hand and they made fun of it so much. He stopped doing it. Right. Um, which is kind of funny to think about now.

That's interesting though. You with the pointing as you're telling the jokes, I mean, with the lunging. Yes. Uh, because the two guys that I wanted to be kind of badass, like, I didn't want to be like them, but I can look back and think like Bill Hicks and Dennis Leary would get in the audience's face and they would kind of like jab at them kind of that way. Oh, okay. Were you watching those guys at that time?

I didn't even know who Bill Hicks was until after he died. Oh, really? Well, I mean, because Bill Hicks was not getting on mainstream stuff. He had done a couple of letter mints, but back then, you know, if he didn't know to look for him, if you missed his letter in spot, you just missed it. I found him by mistake on Caroline's comedy hour. Oh, okay. He had a Caroline's comedy hour when Caroline's was down in another location, I think by the

seaport or something before our time. Then I saw him and he would get like right in their face. He would at the edge of the stage, you bend all the way down with a cigarette, right in someone's face and yell about Britney Spears or whatever. No, he was gone before Britney Spears. I just felt at that time like you have no material. So you just, you know, you're funny, but you have no real skill. You got some stuff, but then it's just pure energy.

It's just... Well, I think that that's because I was totally like inadvertent. But so that was me just sort of, I think it was just that was me. I was miming throwing shit against the wall. I think every joke that I was doing, but then as we came up through the ranks, what amazed me about you was the way that you could like always work totally clean. And like you, I mean, you know, we came up, you know, ST would be giving us the late spots. That's how it is.

You got to earn, you got to earn the earlier ones. Yeah. And I remember you going after God free, crushing, you know, all of these guys, you go on after my filth and you go up there, just totally sport coat on, squeaky clean and just boom. You just killed. I did go through some phases when, especially when I got to the cellar where I was, you know, going up after a tell where for a good month, I thought I've got to be dirtier. I've got to, I've got to do something.

So I started coming up with filthier stuff and I'm telling you just the audience knew they don't know me at all. Yeah, that is not this guy. They knew I was not the guy saying these words. Like it wasn't, it did not fit. And you know what's funny is, is what you're saying right now is all you had to say after Dave. Yeah.

Like I'd like to continue in that dark world, but look at me folks. I'm not that guy. Yeah. You didn't have the courage or like the, the, the wherewithal to do that. So my only cure for it was don't watch anybody before I go on. Just to completely stay alone and wait for them to come and get me like last minute, like, Hey, they're calling your name and then go down. Isn't that amazing though?

But I think people that are successful will find ways, you know, in situations like that they actually come up, they'll come up with their own sort of exercise. Yeah. To be all right. Well, if I just don't see it, then I don't have to like deal with it. Yeah. And some way to preserve whatever you got to kind of do. I did something last week when I was on Conan, right?

Yeah. I did something that I learned at the comedy seller. It was a comedy seller as small as it is. It always seemed so gigantic to me because it was like this place you wanted to get into. Estie would be watching your sets. The fucking wait staff would report back to management and shit. And you just never felt like, you know, it takes a good eight years before you feel like you're in.

Totally. So I remember Patrice had done something on stage. I don't know what happened. He had done something. So they called a meeting. This is fucking hilarious. They called this meeting to get the comedy seller. Okay.

And the three people showed up out of all the comics was me and Bobby. I was living with Bobby Kelly and Bobby's like, dude, we got to go to the meeting, dude. She's going to take away our spots. And I'm like, I know dude. And we both went down there, frickin frack to Boston guys. We go down there. It was us two and David tell. Oh my God.

Patrice, who the whole fucking meeting was about, didn't even show up. Of course. And everybody else was kind of in it. They say, I got getting fucking going down there. But anyways, we went in there and I remember waiting for Estie and Manny to get there. Rest is soul. And I just was, I was absent. It was the middle of the day and I could not believe how small the club was.

Right. And I was just like, oh my God. I mean, I could literally move all the chairs out of here in 11 minutes by myself. Yeah. Well, sometimes I'll go down to go to use the restroom even now. And you go down there and it's just empty and everything's pushed aside so they can mop. And it really is like a closet. And it's because when I don't know what it is about that room, when it gets full.

It's magic. And yes. And it just, it becomes this other thing. This energy thing that you just saw. And then when it's everybody's gone, you're in there like going like, this is this place. It's like, you know, so anyway, so I went, I had to go to Conan and I just so happened. I was ready for once before the, you know, right as the guy got there to pick you up. So I got there like 15 minutes early.

There was nobody there. So I was like, you know, I always just walk out there. Why don't I just walk out and take a look at it? Yeah. Just so I can really have in my head how big it is. Oh nice. You know, it was still pretty big. Yeah.

It's not small. But I mean, but it wasn't like. But it's your, it's your space. I wanted to be more grounded. Right. So I went up, I looked at the drum kit and stuff, sat down, played for like two seconds. Nice. And then like walked around, talked to a couple of people, a few people said hello.

Yeah. And then it just kind of felt like, and I was just looking. That's so smart. Yeah. That's so smart. Yeah. Because even when you leave, you've done the show a bunch, but when you walk back out, it feels new again.

It's not your home. Yes. So I did the new again thing before the cameras were on. Nice. And so then when I went out there, I felt like I was, you know, the most present, I didn't have that same outer body experience where afterwards I had, I would always look at Andy and be like, was that good? Like, like basically what happened?

Totally. Because the whole time you're doing it, you're thinking like nowadays too. It's like, did I just end my fucking career? What did I say? You know, is this group going to come at me or fat people going to say this? Like, you know, all of that shit. So anyway, speaking of careers. Yes.

You are on this podcast, not because you liked me. Well, not because you wanted to come over here and smoke a cigar afterwards, which I'm finding out you don't have time. I wish Tom Papa, not only an incredible comedian, you also bake your own bread. Yes, I do. What you've been doing for years on end, you, you were actually nice enough to, to offer to teach me. And I've just never found time to get over there.

And I brought you bread only like a year ago. Remember, I brought it. Oh dude, like two times. I vaguely remember because it's gone that quick. He brings it over in a little basket with this old lady, little towel over the top of it. And you're like, like, you don't even need butter. You made us a, what did you make us? I always get a sourdough.

Yeah. Oh, good stuff. I got good. So me and Nia basically ate the whole loaf talking about what we were going to eat it with that night. And we just, not the whole thing. We were like, we got to finish this. So now all of a sudden, um, your, your professional and your hobby life have now blurred here

and you have a new cooking show coming out today, I guess, right? Monday. Uh, a week, a week from Labor Day. Oh, Labor Day. A week from today. What's the exact date? Uh, September 3rd, Labor Day, Monday, 10 o'clock at night, 10 o'clock East. Called baked.

It's called baked. And no, you're not putting any weed in the bread, man. Amen. Um, uh, yeah, it's not really a cooking show as much as a food show. Like I'm not going to, well, I guess I, I guess I am cooking basically what I did. Well, it's not going to be eight episodes of watching you cook bread. No. Okay.

Exactly. That's, uh, that's kind of what I thought it was going to be. And they're like, this is going to be over in an episode. Yeah. Do you have a hundred different kinds of loaves of bread that you can make so we can get it to syndication? So what I was doing, I started baking it. I started getting really good at it.

And when I would travel around on the road to and stand up during the day, I would visit bakeries. I would go check them out and I was just trying to learn, like, see what flour they were using, talk to them, that kind of thing. Yeah, you got into it. I got into it. And they caught wind of it and thought it would be a cool show because I'm already doing it.

I'm going to these places and then, you know, I'm going to learn. I'm super curious about it. And they didn't have any show that just dealt with baked goods. Can you back up for a second? How did they catch wind of it? Do you have that Alexis in your fucking house or something? How do they catch wind that you're a comic killing a day and you're going to bakeries? Because I started talking about it on social media.

I talked about it on Rogan's podcast. I talked about it on Conan. And then the New York Times did an article on people with sourdough starters. You know, the sourdough starter is the living culture. The mother. I hate that. I hate that. I saw the thing.

There's like a thing in France. Some of them, they're like a couple hundred years old. Yeah. Like you just keep feeding it some sort of bacteria? No, you just keep feeding it flour and water and it eats it and stays alive. Yes, the active yeast in there. And so you got to feed it flour and water and it eats it. So it's like they've had a goldfish that they've been feeding for like the last since like the early 1800s.

Yeah. And it's a little vague. Like when people say it's a hundred years old, I mean, because you like nobody ever spilled it, it has its origin. Like it has it. You will have it will connect to however long you've been feeding it, but you're dumping a lot of it and then new flour and water is going in. But it's a cool story. Yeah. You know, and I feel like a novice.

And people do care about it. People do like hang on to them, pass them down to other people in their family and it is a thing. Like you might have two of them and they're in my refrigerator and I've been on the road now for a week. I just got home today and I know when I leave you, I'm going to go home and feed them because it's been a week. If you don't feed it, it slowly starts to become less active. It has no food to eat and then it starts creating its own alcohol and that's it. When you come back, it'll be like a layer of alcohol on top of it. You're like a micro brewer.

Yeah, exactly. It's literally called Hooch. Is that why it's a pure alcohol? Yeah, it's a fermentation. This is already the most informative podcast I've ever done. That's fucking awesome. So the New York Times did an article on people with their sourdough starters and just, you know, I've been doing it for like a year and they came into my house and took pictures of me with my starter and I was in the food section. I'm not doing anything show busy with this.

I'm just baking bread with my daughter. Isn't that always how it comes about when you're not trying? Not at all. And my friends back east will open the New York Times and they're calling me that day like, what are you doing? Why are you in the food section? So it just became a thing. And then people started sending me things on Twitter and Facebook and whatever, showing me that there are attempts at baking. And that's a massive subculture of it's not even just people who bake, like specifically baked bread, people who are into bourbons.

There's all these subcultures that when you all of a sudden get into it, you just open the door a little bit. All of a sudden you see there's like a million people in there. Yeah, you're like, wow, look at all these Instagram accounts of people doing what I'm doing. So it just kind of took off and was super fun. And I also, at the same time that I started baking it, I also started getting on this kick of, why are we the first generation? Bread has been around for thousands of years. Why are we the generation that's being told we shouldn't eat bread? Why all of a sudden are we now like, no, you're the new human beings that can't eat bread?

And I was like, there's something wrong here. And then we started baking this bread. It's just flour, water, salt and yeast. That's all that's in it. And the bread I would buy my daughters in the supermarket trying to get them good bread had 30 ingredients in it. Chemicals, sugars, glucose, all this other... Isis. Isis.

It was all in there. Yeah. Putin. Russian poison. It was all in there. It was all in there. And I started giving that bread to my friends that have problems with eating bread and they had no problems. We were eating a lot of bread and we weren't getting fat.

And I was like, this is the pure thing. This is what bread really is. So then I started going off on this kick in my acts and it started permeating other parts. It was in my book where I was just like, we should be allowed to celebrate in life. We should be allowed... Can I pitch an episode? Yes. An episode because you got eight already in the can.

Okay, your next season. Tom teaches Bill how to bake bread. Or even just for the website. That would be awesome. I am on this new diet that I've been doing for like the last three weeks. And I've been, you know, keeping the muscle and dropping all the fat. And I love how I look in everything. But it's just like, you know, I gotta have a piece of bread every once in a while.

Every once in a while. And you eat this bread, you'll be okay. Oh, dude, the shit that I used to... You're part of my generation. My name is Wonder Bread. Oh my God. I used to eat steak on Wonder Bread and the grease would be going through the bread. You'd have to eat it quick before it went through.

Oh yeah, you know, like a fork or something. And I stand by, dude. I had that today. I would have to take a nap immediately, but it would be effing delicious in a child-sense memory thing. But your stuff. Yeah. I ate your bread. I was like, I gotta call my parents.

I mean, it was just like a wholesome holidays. Holidays, everything that like, you know, when all the BS slows down in life. Right, exactly. You know, you just got past something or maybe it's the holidays, you got a few days off. You just have time, but you actually have free time to hang with the people in your life. And you're like, oh, this is what it's... And so could be. Right, exactly.

This is what it could be. And it's not every day. I mean, these are special moments in your life. You know, I mean, basically the way the show goes is like... I just pictured you talking to your family like, don't get used to this. This isn't every day. This is a special thing. There's bread in the house all the time now.

Like when I go on the road, if I'm gone for a while, they get... For the first time they call me. They're like, when are you coming back? And it's not because they want to see me. Do you realize your kids, they're going to talk about you like some like grandmother from the early 1900s. There was always the smell of bread in our house. That's right. I know.

I always remember her. I remember her when she passed. The casket smelled like yeast. Yeast is disgusting. Sorry, I should have said bread. It just took a whole other angle on there. So what's your favorite... So basically I go around to all these different cities.

I come into a city and I visit five of the best baked goods I can find. A bakery, a sandwich place with amazing rolls, a pizza place, whatever it is. What's ever dealing with dough and that kind of thing. And you quickly realize, this back to it being special, you quickly realize there's no need for a bakery in a town. You know what I mean? You need the cops, you need the fire department, you need the power, you need the water. You need all this stuff.

A bakery is a special little place that just happens to be in the town that when you want to treat yourself or get something nice for your family, that's when you go to the bakery. It's this nice little celebration in your everyday life. You don't go there every day, you know, most of the time. So all these people are creating this really special stuff. And you go in there and you feel good. And that you should be celebrating your life. Like this is it.

Like this is prime time. This is when we're really going to enjoy ourselves. You take your daughter and walk into a bakery and give her a cookie. That is a special moment. That's a special thing. You know, when she turned a year and a half last month, I actually, I went to a bakery and I bought her a cupcake and put one and a half candles in it and sang happy one and a half years old. Oh my God.

She's just looking at me like, when can I eat this? Nice song, Dad. I don't know what's going on here. When can I have that? Yeah, this is special for you. But I really feel like it's just, it's a celebration. Life should be a celebration. You don't eat this stuff all the time.

You don't want to, you know, you, you want to be in shape. You don't want to get diabetes, but you should enjoy it. All right. We'll do an episode. I'll teach you how to make a pie crust. You teach me how to make baked some bread. That would be great. We should do it.

You know, so I gotta be honest with you. Like I just, the whole idea of having a comedian who bakes, you know, it's weird, right? No. I'm just saying, I'm like, what a home run for a show. Oh, right. And then you're going to go check out all these cool bakeries. Like, I don't know.

Like they've had diners driving in the diets. It just seems like everybody's always eating like the burgers, the tacos, the burritos, the pizza. Yeah. They've had all of those shows, but I haven't seen a guy do the bakeries. No. And like, you know, for years, I've been, you know, sort of like a gay bash in a way that I actually know how to bake and make pies and stuff.

But I'm like, why? It's awesome. And women love you. I remember. Do you know how to bake? Like they, they, they love you. Oh, completely. There's a whole, there was a whole article about women that get turned on by these guys that

bake bread. Remember? Absolutely. It's like, it's, it's like having a saint for me because I'm such an asshole. It takes down a lot of my shit that I do. You know what I mean? If you know, that's the edge off. Yeah.

Make a scene at the supermarket. He yells, he's cutting people off, but he bakes a hell of a pie. Even your voice changed. He takes a hell of a pie. Take some of the edge off. You, uh, you brought a pie. Was it last Christmas? Was it around the holidays?

I can't remember. You brought me a pie and the center wasn't cooked. And you were so, you were so bummed out. I'm going to tell you what, because we were renting a house because we were getting my shithole one fixed up. And what happened was the door was slightly ajar. It didn't close all the way. I got the heat out.

No, I made you, I still remember. You sent me a picture of it. I made you, yeah, cause I felt so bad. I made you a pumpkin bread for Halloween. Oh, that's right. I made it. And it's the easiest fucking thing. Yeah.

It's just a concoction. You pour it in the thing, you throw it in the oven and you're done. And you leave it. Yeah. And it wasn't done. So I had to tell you to put it back in and you were able to fix it though. But I was, I was so embarrassed. And then the fact that you're like this, you know, I mean, you're such a good baker.

You're in the food section of the times. Yeah. I get a couple of hits on, you know, Facebook when I make a pie. But you know what? I remember that distinctly. Like we just ate around the raw part and it was delicious. That's the cool thing. Like you don't realize you mess this stuff up.

I'll still screw up breads because it takes, it's a three day process. And if you mess up along the way, you're going to get a flat frisbee. But I'm telling you, the flat frisbee is delicious. Oh, still is. Yeah. Just because it doesn't look good. Just put some butter on it. You're just, oh my God.

So good. What have you been up to as far as you've been traveling the road promoting the show? You've been doing some dates. What have you been up to? I had a, yeah, it's, it's not really slowed down. I have, I had five jobs from April until just recently where I was doing my standup, of course. And then I had a book come out. So I had to tour around with the book.

I took over the writing for live from here, which was Prairie Home Companion. Garrison retired and Chris Thiele took over as the host. And I took over the comedy of it and the writing of it. And I also do a monologue each week on it. And then, and then I had my podcast, my come to papa podcast and radio show for serious. And, and then baked. And then when they, when the red show came, you know, as happens in production, they are like, yeah, we might make it.

We might make it. And they're like, we want eight in a month. So on top of touring with the radio show and with my standup and the book tour, the bread show got thrown on top of it. So the bread show, you probably think anything ain't going to go. It's a fun little thing that I'll do. Yeah, it's fine. We'll do a pilot.

Throw me a couple of bucks. This is cool. We'll do a pilot. I, the, the beautiful part of this is I had no showbiz anxiety about this. I still don't, I still don't. I, everything else, you know, you make stuff, you sell it, you try and get it on the air, you push. Yeah, but I also think if you tour as a comic and you have your own podcast, you're making

enough money that I don't have any showbiz stress where I love doing my TV show. I absolutely love doing it, but like, I'm not like in the unemployment line. Right. If it doesn't go. Yeah. If it doesn't go, which I hope it goes. By the way, anybody's listening. Yeah.

Yeah. Industry drone out there. He's not appreciating his show. Um, yeah, but this show, I completely, I'm like, look, we can do a show about it. That'd be great. I'd love to share it with more people. That's awesome. If you don't make a show about it, I'm still going to go to the bakery and clean when I

get there. You know what I mean? So how much time did you, did you have to carve out of your schedule to keep doing it? I just threw it on top of everything else. So while I was doing the book tour, while I was doing the stand-up, while I was doing all this other stuff, I was doing episodes of the show, uh, that are going to start airing. And I literally have not been in my home for a full week, uh, since April. Oh my God.

Yeah. It was just, it just all, it was like a tsunami, everything, a perfect storm. It all just hit at the same time. Now how do you handle that? I just go. I just go. And the, having a family is, uh, and, you know, I want to be with them. I literally build, my kids are, uh, 16 and 13 now.

And I was like, I literally, before all of this stuff hit the fan, I literally said to myself, I'm going to be smarter about how I tour. These are the, there's only a couple more years here before everybody starts taking off on their own. I'm going to be around a little bit more. Yeah. And boom, as soon as I said it, I was gone. No.

And so that's, that's the industry. Look, any of you young people in the industry, just say out loud, you know what? I'm going to move back East. Just say that. Yeah. Now the showbiz universe will let you move back East. Then it'll get you something after you've given up your apartment and all that. Dude, that just happened to, uh, that just happened at Dean Del Rey.

Oh yeah. Dean Del Rey is like, I'm getting all these, he's bi-coastal now. Right. And he went to New York like, I'm going to be out there for a while doing spots a minute to celebrate. Dude, he gets, he was there for like two weeks. He got Conan. No.

He just got Conan. He's going to come back. It's hilarious. Actually, he's on Conan tonight with Mark Marin. Oh, nice. I'm going to try to go over there for the, uh, for the taping. Yeah. That'll be fun.

He's such a good guy. He got, and Dean, uh, you know, I haven't watched him that much, but over the last, you know, several years, he just got, you just, some guys just turned the corner. They just know exactly what they're starting to do. Like he got so tuned into his voice. Yeah. He's just, he's Dean on stage and off stage. Yeah.

He's, he's a killer now. Now he opens for me. He gets like, he gets like sustained rounds of applause when he's done. Dude, I had to go on after him and Todd Rex. You ever go on after Todd Rex? No. Fucking monster. Oh really?

Yeah. And both, you know, Todd has this thing where people love him. Yeah. Like he's one of these, he's like a big kid. Kids love him. Adults love him. Right. And he is like, he's like a legit headliner.

Wow. And you put both those guys on before you? Yeah. I did. But what's good is though, but then people come out like, uh, and they get to see like a full show. Yeah. Rather than some like, you know, some cupcake you put on in front of you that's up there.

Hey, uh, well, there's been crazy. You haven't noticed with raindrops, some are bigger than others. I did a show last night in, uh, in the other night in, um, uh, Michigan, northern Michigan. And it was this performing arts center, this nice theater, beautiful place up in like, I've never been that far north. Decent bakery. Nice bakery. Uh, no opener.

No, I just walked out and just did it. It was kind of lonely, like hanging out during the day and stuff. But, um, I have to say it was kind of, you have to do more time. You know, you're doing more like an hour and a half, but, uh, I really liked it. I do that. Yeah. Well, I do like 90 minutes anyway on top of those guys. Yeah.

But if I have one guy, he does like 15. If I have two guys, they both do 10. Oh, okay. And I'm trying like, but you ever just walk out? You ever just go with nobody? Yes. Have I done nobody on the road? I've only a few times.

Yeah. It becomes a different thing. It is a different thing. I think it would be weird at a club. Uh-huh. Yes. Just because with the club, there's so much commotion going on. Yeah.

And there's so many drinks you got to get out, so much food to get out and all the fuck, all that pomp and circumstance has to happen. Yeah, there's a lot going on. And then when the headliner comes on, it's like, now we have your undivided attention until we drop all the checks. Yeah. So there's always commotion going on with the clubs, but like at a theater, I think, um, It becomes an evening with rather than a show.

Like I saw, uh, who did I see? I saw Billy Conley. Uh-huh. I saw him in New York about 10 years ago. And if I remember, yeah, because he did like two hours. Yeah. He did two fucking hours. It was unbelievable.

And like, at that point, that's when guys were kind of like, if he did like an hour, it was like, wow. Yeah. Do you remember when headlining was 45 minutes? Yeah. Everybody did 45. 45. Yeah.

It's a fucking joke. It's a fucking joke. It's insane. I feel like now, if I don't do like an hour and 20, I'm ripping them off. I know. And I know. Yeah. It's a weird thing.

You know, what's weird about it too is that it's kind of like when you do pushups. Like if you say you're going to do 20 pushups, 18, 19, 20 are really hard. Yeah. If you tell yourself you're doing 25, all of a sudden 23, 24, 25 are hard. Like it's just, I don't know about that. 18 and 19 are hard. 25 is going to see like a fucking zillion miles away.

But I know what you mean. If you're shooting. Yeah. It just your head, your head does something. You say I'm going to go do an hour and a half tonight. Yeah. That's just the way it is. And if you say you're doing an hour, all of a sudden you're panting to get to an hour.

All right. Hey, you want to answer some questions here? You want to help me out? I give people advice on this, this podcast. Yeah. Of course. You know, if any of this is going to ruin your bread show. Just let me know.

I'll give you. So last week I, uh, somebody mentioned that, you know, I actually, my dumb ass, I went on like, I was like, let's see what's going on in the world. Oh no. And, um, I don't know if I want to drag you into this, but like Trump said that said they're killing white farmers in South Africa, which has been happening for a while. And I never condoned it. I didn't say it wasn't a big deal.

I would just, I was talking about what he pays attention to, which, you know, I don't think if they were Puerto Rican farmers, he would give a fuck. And I am, call me a reverse racist, but I am basing that on the fact that when there was regular people and then neo-Nazis involved, he was sitting there going like, well, you know, you can kind of see both sides of the story. Yeah. So anyways, uh, so this guy wrote, he wrote in from Cape Town. So we got a bunch of people from Europe.

Right. Saying blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. They're just like me. They're not there. Right. So we didn't listen to them. All right.

So this guy's from Cape Town. Right there. Uh, how's it going, Billy? Uh, I'm, I'm from Cape Town, South Africa. I'm a big fan. I listen to your podcasts every week. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Care for a visit? Yeah. I'd love to go there. I'd go there. I have two topics I want to put out there. First, my country got some airtime in the news last week due to a tweet by the Donald guy.

Now just a recap. And I don't know what this guy's tone is, but I've read some of the other ones. They're all like, why don't you fucking read about it before you open your mouth? All right. Now just a recap. He basically mentioned investigating farm murders and land expropriation without payment in South Africa based on race. Why are we getting involved in this?

Yeah, I know. Why are we getting involved? Anyways, I bet one of the farmers was going to sell him land to build a golf course. We have to stop it. All right. News outlets like BBC, CNN, et cetera, were quick to point out that these claims were baseless. And then if you look at the crime statute, actually see a decline in the farm based attacks.

I don't, I don't watch. He got into it because Tucker Carlson did a thing on it. Oh, I, you know what? I should, because I don't watch the news. Yeah. Because all it does is give me angst. It's just, it's a half hour of anxiety with no solution. Yeah.

And all the shit that I wasn't worried about, I now have to add to the shit I already was worried about. So why would I do that to myself? Yeah. And you're powerless to do anything. All right. Just to set the record state, I can tell you that if you search deeper and speak to the average South African, they would tell you a different story.

Being a farmer or a farm worker is by far the most dangerous job you can have around here due to the number of attacks and the cold-blooded, blooded barbaric nature of these attacks. There is no doubt that the number of attacks has grown in number and in, in brutality in recent years, yet these attacks are not widely reported in the accuracy of the statistics on the farmers have been a point of dispute ever since the end of apartheid. Anyone you talk to, yeah, the whole fucking thing is there was brutal attacks to get the land and then a brutal form of government. And now there's a brutal reaction to it.

Is my limited understanding to it. And I'm not saying any of that was right. I was just saying it's interesting what the orange-headed lunatic decides to pay attention to. Right. Exactly. It's all I'm saying. I mean, this is.

And I've even said the last election was 2 a.m. at a bar. Right. If you had to go home with somebody, you didn't want to leave with either one, but you had to leave with somebody. So I'm not, I'm not picking a side politically or anything that shit. Yes. Anyone you talk to can tell you have multiple, multiple of their close friends or relatives who have been attacked, uh, have been affected by an attack, regardless of race, race, yet

this is not helped by the fact that many political rallies are met with chance of kill the borough, the farmer, kill the farmer. These political parties are basically garnering support on the false promise of land and wealth to everyone. Yay communism. What do you mean? Yay communism. That happened in our country.

Yeah. Man, we got to rebel against these English guys and then all the rich fucks. Once we kicked them out, moved into the rich guy's houses and continued the taxes. This is, I love when they blame forms of government. Is there a form of government that works? I don't think there is because every, because you get, at the end, you have human beings with unchecked power on some level at the top and it just. That's right.

That's all we are. Some people taste the good life and they don't want to give it back. No, no. That's what's going on in Nicaragua right now. What's going on? That's one of those problems. It's basically the students are rioting and trying to take the government back and the guy who they're trying to take the government back took the government for the people when

he was a student, but then he got fat and happy and now he's like the dictator who doesn't want to let it go. Yeah. Whenever you, whenever you taste the good life, nobody wants to let it go. No, you get the extra food, you get the best booze, the best women and all of that. Oh my God. A big nice silk robe. Yeah.

People are cooking your meals. Yeah. You're sitting in the hot tub. Yeah. Are you going to get out of that thing? No. To go help somebody less fortunate than you? No.

That's not how people are wired. No. They put up gates around their home and they say, I'm going to keep this. Yeah. I'll read more about this stuff. I'll definitely look up on it. But no, but why, but back to your thing about the orange guy pointing this out and bringing us into like, I understand it's a big problem when you read about it.

It's like, oh boy, this is a mess. Don't we have our own messes? Like, aren't our, like, why do I have to jump into this one? I mean, there's stuff like that. No, human being, the human being, you're supposed to care. You do care, but I can't, how much time, you know, you could care about everything. We get, the Nicaragua thing is a huge thing. I mean, it's, I don't even know what's going on there.

All I know is this country is fucking bankrupt and because we're fighting a war that has no set ending and you're not allowed to ask about it. And I don't want to bring this shit up where you got a fucking show coming out. It's just one of those things where it's just like, I don't understand why if I ask, like, hey, how are we going to pay for this? Hey, when are we coming back? All of a sudden I don't support the troops. I'm not American.

Right. And I just became like, I just got my, I'm part of ISIS now. I can do that. Just talking about it. I love the Patriots. I can sit there and be like, what the fuck are we doing? Why did we draft that guy? People just go, don't go like, you're not a Patriots fan.

You like the Jets. You're a piece of shit. So it's a very weird, it's a weird time that you can't, yeah, because there's a bunch of people afraid to say stuff that everybody kind of agrees with. Yeah. But don't you think also that there's a lot of real, like reasonable people that are thinking the same thing you are on whatever issue, thinking the same thing. And when you do bring it up, they agree and quietly go about their day like normal people.

Yeah. They come up after the show, after they didn't laugh and say, yeah, you're a hundred percent right on the, I totally agree with this or I had a dad just like that. Whatever the fuck that you were talking about that made the crowd go quiet, it's a, I, you know what it really is? I can't believe how many people are afraid to get in trouble. Yeah. Like basically get yelled at on Twitter.

Right. By who? By who? Yeah. Just the loudest, the loudest one. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. There's so many more people that aren't tweeting hateful stuff at you.

I think most of it has to do with a corporation, God forbid, if one extra nickel that they could have made rolled out the fucking door, that's the only time they do the customer is always right is with that shit. Right. Everything else, you can go fuck yourself. You can go to the website and stare at the screen and try and figure it out yourself and maybe you'll get a portion of a refund or something. I don't want to get all gloom and doom here with this stuff.

So let's, let's talk sports, man. I was really watching the Red Sox and then I just, dude, I have to tell you what, like this is the regular season, man. I know, but it has been such a, I'm a Yankee fan and it has been, by the way, congratulations. It's been must have been a fun ride your whole life. It wasn't. When I was a kid, well, I had a little Greg Nettles, Reggie Jackson when I was really little and then I had to go the whole eighties without a world series.

It was horrible. Do you realize if you guys don't win it this year or next year, that is the only second time you haven't won a world series during a decade. Yeah. The level of success that that is, is fucking ridiculous. Not to mention, I think two decades, you want at least half of them in the forties and fifties. Well, yeah, but I mean, I can't, who knows what was going on back then. There was a Bobby socks and Frank Sinatra.

One during my time, right, we went through horrible periods when they were like trying to buy people and we never, and they was always messed up. But the Jeter years, homegrown kids, great, that's because your guy got, your guy got kicked out of baseball and he would have got rid of half of them. I don't think Jeter, and I don't think he would have known what Mariano Rivera was going to be because nobody did because you guys had him pitching like no middle relief. O'Neill would have been gone, Bernie Williams would have been gone. Well, O'Neill, you got from the Reds.

They wouldn't, they would not have hung on to these people. He was, but it was homegrown. It was, it was pure. I have a guilt. I have a guilt as a Yankee fan when you buy in, you know, you've got Johnny Damon, all of a sudden standing in the outfield. I don't like that money part of it. Oh, we, we went right over the cliff with you.

Yeah. We're like, all right, well, they're in our division. This is how you play. So now you guys are doing it the right way. We're doing it the right way. And it's been a great season. I love baseball. Right.

It's my favorite sport. And I'm enjoying the hell out of a young guys, scraping, enjoying it. The second best record in all of baseball. And we can't get close to the Red Sox. Yeah. But what have you been doing up there? This is what's great though. What is so great is the greed of baseball where now they have to have nine million rounds.

Like back in the day, if we slept, slept you in August, that would have been a big thing. But back in the day, I also would have been as a Red Sox fan, like, okay, how they're going to fuck it up this time because they always did. But that would have meant something. Yes. That didn't really mean anything because, because now it doesn't mean anything. Yeah. Because you guys are going to get the wild card.

We'll get one game playoff against Oakland or something and we'll lose and be out in one game. It's so frustrating. Oh, why don't you know, I don't know about the one, what's the one game thing? Well, you have the one game, the one game playoff. So they added that and then it's the three game and then the fours and then the four. Right. Yeah.

But you guys doing up there. Why do you never, you never lose. You never lose. How many wins do they have? Last I checked, they were like 91 and 41 or 90 and 41. So but no, we were tonight. I didn't, I didn't, well, I'm taping this Sunday night just so I don't confuse. Are you guys as good?

Are you guys as good as, as this record shows? No. No, nobody ever is. This season record is never as good as you are because you're, you're rolling up all these stats on people who aren't going to be there in October. So what you have to do is you got to look at, like we just played, we just played, uh, the Indians who I think Terry Francona is still the best manager in baseball. Everybody's sleeping on them.

Nobody gets more out of their plays than this fucking guy and we played a four game series. We split it. The first two games he made us look like a five earn a ball club and then our big free agent guys, you know, sale and price came in and shut them down. Right. Now here's the thing. You fucking like Houston, they got Furland, they got all those guys, they're the defending World Series champion.

Nobody's talking about them. They're so good. Exactly. And they probably had a couple of entries and whatever, but blah, blah, blah, blah. All I know is come October, we're all zero and zero. I think really they're my pick to, to take it again. And what ESPN does about regular season is what the news does about like ISIS where in my head, ISIS was powerful enough to come over here, attack this country and overthrow

it. Right. Until I actually sat down. I was like, they don't have a plane or a boat or uniforms. This is not Germany and Japan again. Okay. So fucking they do the same thing with they basically said the race was over when we swept you guys four games in a fucking row.

No, we do. We have like 12 games left. Yeah. I'm going to try and get to the one on the 18th or 19th. So I've, I've dude, I have done this too many times as a sports fan to know, to try to put my feet up in August and say, anything's over. I watched as well, a 12 game lead, like, I don't know how many years ago, four or five years ago.

Yep. I watched this blow that classic 18 game lead and 78. I've, I've seen the Tuck rule. I've seen the, the fucking, I've seen it all. Even his fat and roughing the passer. There's still that that's insecure. I've been beaten by my, I've seen the balls roll through guys legs. It's so great.

I was at dinner with my brother-in-law and his wife the other night and Red Sox fans. And they were literally when we were talking, they were still nine and a half up, but it was the Cleveland and they lost the first game of Cleveland and the Yankees won that night and we got a half game up and I was like, here it comes. Here comes the slide. This is the beginning of the end. And I was just talking out of my ass cause they're, they're so solid, but the fear in my brother-in-law's eyes like, oh man, it really is.

This is the beginning of the end because he's gone through it like passing. You get millennials. They'd be like, yeah, fuck you. We got this Yankee stuck. They don't even, they don't know. No, they don't. I went to Fenway for the first time this year in the beginning of the season. Horrible rainy night, but that was my first time there.

I've watched so many games at Fenway on TV. It was so surreal. I felt like I had been there before. Oh yeah. When you're sitting in the thing, like when you're walking through and trying to get food and stuff. When I go back now, it's not the ballpark I went to as a kid. I mean, they got like a mall in the right field.

They got people sitting up in the green monster. Right. It is so different from when, when I left the green monster, it didn't have any advertising. Anything. I think it looks way better with the advertising and early in Ted Williams days are pre Ted Williams Dom DiMaggio days or something. I believe they, they had advertising there. So it's gone through like a bunch of stuff, but, uh, dude, I was just thinking all the

shit that I've seen. I've seen the Celtics in a game seven with the Lakers, seeing the refs call 30 something fouls on them and like 15 on the Lakers in a game seven. I literally watched the Lakers beat us from the foul line and they, and they, these weren't, we wasn't, we were out there hacking people. It was so fucking anti-climactic, um, brutal. I've seen too many men on the ice. I, I've just, I, I've too many that I don't give a fuck how many games are up until, but

then you also had air taken out of your ball and you had the little snow plow to give a thing for the guy taking across every team has had those things. Oh, all of that shit. Yeah. Yeah. That, that, that I have to tell you that deflate gate is, is up there with any, like as far as like the music man, you could redo the music man with deflate gate. If like the study literally found that like the Colts also had like three balls that were

slightly under inflated ESPN did a study. Of course, of course. That showed that the ball actually got there a little bit later. So it'd be an advantage to the defense. So of course they pulled that immediately and a bunch of Pats fans had recorded it going like, this is what they don't want you to know. Right. So why, so why what looking back now, I feel like they, they don't do, they did something.

They fucking cause we were in with, with Goodell and then something happened and then we were just fucking out. I think part of it was, I thought, well, I think part of it was when they under suspended Ray Rice and they were just like, yeah, a couple of games. And then they tried to say that they didn't see it. Then you found out they saw it. And then Goodell, he's making like 35, 36 million dollars a year. Then I think he, he, he just started over suspending everybody.

And do you think it's like, if we go after the golden boy, that'll kind of take the heat off of the whole league? No, what I think would ended up happen. I think we, the combination was that. And then we had some sort of falling out with the guy and then we took him to court and in a court of law, I mean, it got laughed at a court that judge actually yelled at the NFL for wasting their time. So a lot of people forget that.

So then he played the next year, not suspended. So then what, you know, now you can't have double jeopardy. You can't get tried for the same thing. So the NFL went back and changed their argument and said, and said, is the NFL a corporation? And they said, yes. And they says, does a corporation have a right to suspend an employee if they feel fit? And they said, yes. And they said, well, Tom Brady is an employee of our corporation and he is, he is suspended.

And they couldn't mess with that. So that's what we got. So he sat down for four games because if Tom Brady and the Patriots took the NFL to court and won and reversed it, that was going to open the floodgates every time helmet to helmet hit and suspension, all this could potentially, you know, our corporation thinks like, oh my God, the amount of money in legal costs will have the nuts running the nut house. They had to fucking suspend them. So that is my totally biased Patriots.

You know, as far as like, I'll be taking air out of the ball. We're trying to steal signs. Yes. As is everybody else, which is why when you watch a college football game, my favorite thing ever when you watch them, when they send in signals, there's like four guys doing it. Right. Somebody's holding up a picture.

Urkel, you know, fucking pop lock in, you know, and I also love to like the whole idea that if you film somebody, you know what they're doing, like they're miming, throwing the ball or handing it off or punting it. You still have to figure it out. And as much as we were guilty with the, of the spy gate thing, I mean, if you're going to sit there and say, oh yeah, first of all, everyone else is pure. Well, the thing about that is, is that was the first game that that was illegal to do that.

What do you mean? That was enough. Well, that was legal. You were allowed to. Jimmy Johnson even said he goes, I came in the league, they say, okay, what do I do? Get a camera, pointed at their guy, look at it at halftime, whatever you can steal, steal. Oh, really? So I think it just looked bad after a while.

So the rule was dude, just that you couldn't have a guy on the field. You could still have a guy up in the booth, there's something called a zoom lens. Right. They're still doing it. Yeah. Everybody is still fucking doing it. So it's funny. Yeah.

So if you're going to spend any of it, you're going to say stealing signs. Yeah. Then we should have to forfeit World War two. Do you have a college team that you like? Or are you like? Yes. Yes. I like, but LSU is my adopted one.

That's your adopted. I just loved the SCC. This was 10 years, about 2008. I was after Nick Saban was there. Right. And I was into Les Miles and, you know, he would keep it, just do that shit, you know, it was almost like he was his offensive mind was where the people in the upper deck was, where they're like, go for it.

And he would just do it. Yeah. And it worked for a little while. The LSU, their big, their big thing is they've never. And since I've been watching them, they haven't had a quarterback that they've believed in enough to let him play the full game. And they are literally playing a lot of times this stereotypical, like old school stereotypical white quarterback, black quarterback thing where it's like, it's a passing down.

Get the white guy in there. Right. So runningly, we could maybe run the option here, get the black guy in there. And it's just like, dude. That's hilarious. Yes. Like one and just go for it and let them get into the, the, the, the feel of the game as it would be like, Hey, Tom, that's why you never liked hosting.

Yeah. Cause it's like, you get them going, you get them going, then you got to bring somebody up at such an art. And then you sit down, you're fucking, you know, thinking about your day the next day and it's like, Oh fuck, I got to run back up and do another five minutes. Yeah. Yeah. My favorite thing and hosting was we're going to, yeah, we're going to keep the show moving

right along and bring the next guy up. Yeah. That was my favorite thing with hosting. I'm not going to do any time in between. Or are we going to keep this so much as murders? Or are we just going to keep the show going? Yeah. I kind of, I really like how this comedy store doesn't have a host.

I really like how they just, they just bring everybody up. You just bring each other on. I didn't, I didn't think I was going to like that. It's, it's pretty awesome. You want to talk about a place that just turned around. Oh my God. I don't know if you ever, I was living out here in the late nineties and when you went down to the comedy store, I mean, also no one knew who I was.

I was struggling to get spots, but that place, first of all, there was nobody there. No, it was spooky. Yeah. And it was like, oh dude, the vibe was like, it was like, it was like a fucking haunted house. Like he went in there and there was all of these guys, these guys that were on TV and they were big names and they would come in and just burn the light. They would just stand there.

Yeah. Having not done the work. No. Didn't write anything new and would just stand there leaning against the mic saying, yeah. What else is going on, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you're sitting back there, you know, your spots pushed back five minutes, 10 minutes, 40 minutes, an hour and a half, two hours. I'm going home.

I can't go home. If I go home, they don't know me. So I, you just have to, would have to fucking stay there. Brutal. And, and all these young kids were learning someday when I get on a show, I'm going to do that. Right. And I, and I remember being here in 98 and was right as Seinfeld was wrapping up.

Yeah. And Jerry, the first time ever, all these years I'd been out there, he popped in at the improv and I was like, holy shit. Right. It's the king, right? And he went on stage, was supposed to do 15 minutes. He did 15 minutes. Right.

He started with the killer joke. He ended with a great joke and even better joke and in the middle, he tried out his new stuff. Right. And I just, I just clicked. I was like, that's the way you do it. That's a fucking pro. Right.

And that other shit is just ego and. Oh, that's all it is. I got a show and drinking and. Oh yeah. Yeah. No, that place was spook. I remember going there to the store back then and it was like, this is not going to help me.

Like this is going to make me depressed. Oh, it was, it was, it was fucking hostile. It was really was. It was hostile. And I remember, uh, there was a couple raised a light over there, Rogan. I remember meeting Rogan for the first time at the laugh factory and I rode over. He had, of course, he had this fucking badass cool car. That I, that's really what I remember about those days was just watching Joe come in a

really cool car and like, wow, that guy's really got it going on. Yeah. He did. Yeah. Some sick ass tail fin. It was some sort of Japanese sports car. Yeah. I can't remember.

So some turbo powered something and we went over there and he basically gave me like a pep talk. Oh yeah. On the mindset you hit, but it wasn't, wasn't specifically pointed at the comedy story. It was just the LA comedy scene. Right. Right. Like how you had to be, don't fucking listen to anybody, get in there, do your job and

just like, it was like a real like, it was like a eight point power, Joe Rogan, power point thing on the mindset and that look, like, and he was like a, he was young Joe. So he was like, it was like, is this guy going to like help me or fucking rip my head off? Like he was like the most amped up dude I'd ever fucking been around. And fortunately he turned out to be like just a sweetheart of a guy. Yeah. And really the, kind of the heart of what turned that place around. Like he,

Oh, do him calling out fucking Menci and all that, like, dude, it was like, it was, it was fucking ridiculous. It was like coming in there with a big can of Raid and just spraying it all across the, the whole comedy story. It was unbelievable because like the terror that you had, yeah, you believe he pulled in, he pulled in the thing and you're like, fuck, I'm going on next and all the work you wanted to do, you could not do. You could not fucking do.

I mean, I don't want to start that shit up again, but like, It's amazing now. I mean, when you walk in there now, it just, just the original room, just to go and have a place to really work. Like you really are going to get work done. Yeah. And what's funny is look at Rogan, look how big Rogan is and what does he do? He does it like Seinfeld.

Yeah. Do 15. He goes up, he does 15. He tries out the shit he wants to try out. He kills. Yeah. And then you're stuck and go. But it's amazing though that usually once a place or a scene goes bad like that, it's

very rare. That it comes. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a movie and a movie that happens. I know, but you know what? Good triumphs over evil. Yeah.

But similar to what you were saying about the cellar being like that special room and something just happens there, places have something to them. Yeah. The Laugh Factory is always going to be the Laugh Factory. The cellar is always going to be the cellar. You know what I mean? You know it's unreal back in the day. You may dip and have bad times, but that room is begging to be good again.

Yeah. You know the one I remember way back in the day in the 90s when we were coming up, if you were on the nine o'clock show Saturday night at the comic strip. Oh my God. I mean, it was so, it was like, you'd come off and think you were the greatest comedian of all time. Yeah. I'm ready to do Letterman.

Yeah. Energy of that square room, that centered stage. It was unreal. Yeah. Unreal. That one. And that room, and that's a club that's gone in the toilet and it's just waiting to come back.

You put the right person booking it and start attracting the good guys back again because that room, the architecture, the energy when up when human beings are in it, it's waiting to be great. If I was still in New York, I would still go there. Even if it's going through a bad period, it's just like, just to keep it going. Yeah. Then you got to use, use whatever juice you have to keep because how does that help comics if there's one less room?

Forget about a room like that. What you do, that, that room was fucking crazy, crazy, crazy. Do you remember when, uh, what were the, what are their names, the team, Red Johnny and the round guy. Oh God. When they would go up at the comic strip. I mean, I had to follow him at the fucking Boston comedy club. Nothing was bigger.

Nothing was bigger that they would just rip the, the roof off that place. I mean, to a degree, like when they, when they used to be down in the fucking Boston comedy club and they, and they would do the fucking, the, the, it takes two to make a thing go right. Yeah. And one of them was going, and then remember Matt Frost, who's now at CAA, he would be flicking the lights fucking on and off like it was a nightclub and the place would be going nuts.

They was some joke. It was some joke that they did about going to a dance club and feeling like an asshole. And they just like, when they went into that bit, it was like, you were at a fuck. It was like, you started watching a movie and you'd be, I remember just standing there going like, I have nothing, nothing, nothing in my arsenal in my whole career. Never. You could take all of it and slam it together. I have nothing that could follow that.

And I, oh my God. And going up in that fucking room after those guys and bombing was the loneliest fucking thing. Like, I mean, I, if I ever saw comics start crying and that I wouldn't even judge them. And that was back to when the club where all the comics sat in the back, but you had to walk to the front of the stage and go up in the middle before they had that side there. And they would just be back there. And I remember I was, this new kid came down from Boston.

Nobody gave a fuck. Yeah. I remember running the Todd Barry going like, going like, how do I get in it? Like asking that fucking question where there is no answer. How do I get in at the clubs? He's like, I don't know, man. Just keep doing it. You know, just you got to hang out and just say, and I, and I, now I know what he was

thinking like, Hey dude, I'm trying, I'm still trying to get it. You know, and you'd sit back there and you'd watch like a tell and Kevin Brandon, all these guys that were like already made men, like in the end, everybody had an edge. There was no like joy of like, come on along, I'll show you the way. No, it was just mean, tough guys who got a spot and you weren't taking it from them and screw you to stay till two o'clock in the morning. And let me, I dare you to complain. Yeah.

I dare you. And there was a bunch of comics that used to hide uptown because they didn't want to go downtown and get their, they went down there once. It takes two to make a thing go ready. Fuck that shit. I am not going below fucking 23rd street and it was scary up, scary down there. I mean, it was a, it was like Armageddon and I used to walk by the Boston during the day when it had that shit red awning that turned pink.

Yeah. It looks like a old peep show bill. Fucking front. I used to, I used to get sick to my stomach when I would look at it and I, and that was the thing dread where I was just like, I have to get over this fucking feeling or I am not going to make it in this city because that is fucking not, I'm just walking by the building and it's like that bully. I have to fight.

Yes. Completely. I remember saying to Kevin Brennan, we were up at the standup New York and he's like, was talking just about this. And I said, yeah, but you know, we got to keep going cause it's making us stronger. Right. We got to go cause it's making us stronger and Kevin goes, it's, it's comedy. I mean, how fucking strong do we have to be?

Yeah. I remember this comic two bitch and saying that they should, there should be no heckling. This should be no heckling. He's like, you go to a Broadway show. There's no heckling. And I want to be like, well, fucking go, go fucking get a job on Broadway then do because I don't think that there should be any heckling. That's like, I think that's what makes standup so fucking cool is that, that it's actually,

you know, that's part of it, that somebody is going to do that. Yeah. That there's the energy that something's good that this is going to be different tonight than it was last night. And I also think because of me, maybe because of the audience, maybe because of the moon, who knows? And the fact that people heckle is also what keeps a lot of people from never, it weeds out a lot of people.

Yeah. Which is a good thing. On both, on both sides. Yeah. I don't want to keep you here too long. I know you're, you're on to a bunch of other podcasts to promote your show. I can stay here all day. Well, also we want to have enough time for a frix cigar, maybe who knows, start one, finish

it at home. Yeah. You could do that. All right. Let's do that. The show is called baked. It comes on September, September 3rd, Labor Day, night, Monday, two episodes, starts at 10 o'clock East, 10 o'clock, September 3rd, it's going to run every Monday through September.

The first one is, uh, the first one actually is New York and my buddy, uh, our buddy Jim Gaffigan stops by a donut shop while I'm there. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. It's great. All right. I've already pitched myself for the second season. All right, dude.

So happy for your success, buddy. All right. See you at the best. All right. Okay. Now it's time for the reads here. I apologize to all the people that wrote in about the farmers down there in, uh, South Africa.

I'm going to read up on that and I will read the rest of that guy's email, um, um, on Thursday. Okay. That's my promise. Now, if you know me, I'm scatterbrained, so I might forget. Okay. But, uh, I don't take innocent people dying anywhere lightly. It had nothing to do with that. It had to do with the other bullshit.

All right. The Leuze presenteert. Kokme with your My The Leuze app. Die zit vanaf nu boorde voor receptet die lekker, makkelijk en goed koop zijn. Voor wie ins naar iets anders snakt of hout van klassiekers. Oh ja, zo was een spaghetti bolognaise met lekker veel gehakt. Download the My The Leuze app en Kokme. Ja, top.

De Leuze. Meem het ik leven. That. Let's, uh, do some reads here. Oh, Mint Mobile. Oh, would he get gum when you fucking fill up your gas tank? Uh, Mint Mobile, uh, the big and big wireless provider stands for a lot of things. Big contracts, big bills, big fees, big pain in the fucking HD.

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So they good guys sign up at bill burr, uh, Robin Hood.com. That's bill burr dot Robin Hood.com. I read it wrong the first time bill burr dot Robin Hood.com. All right. Oh, look who's back. Indochino. Uh, talk about how every man looks better in his suit. I don't know how to do this anymore.

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Oh, but it'll do beyond these me on these, they're killing all the fucking farmers do do do beyond these beyond these. And then they go get some shawarma to take in the land back that was stolen from fucking innocent people. Where does it end? At least your balls will be nice and soft when they come in with the fucking machetes. Um, me on these, sorry, uh, you've definitely heard me talk about me on these. I just rhymed farmers with shawarma.

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that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr that's Stamps.com, enter Burr, all right? By the way, as I mentioned before, my great buddy, Dean Delray, he's doing his first talk show as a stand-up comedian tonight, Monday night on Conan O'Brien with the great and brilliant Mark Marin is one of the guests. Please tune in and check it out. And after that it says I got a ton of emails from South Africa, so I have to read these.

I can at least read the rest of this guy, his thing here. I figure where I left off. Let's just pick this up, which brings me to my second point. Now, I don't follow all the news on Trump, frankly. I don't care anymore because it's exhausting. I agree. I agree too. Everybody's screaming and yelling, flipping the fuck out and nobody has a solution.

But the message I get from the media is still the same. They hate him and will blow up any small thing just to take him down. And basically, you know something? That is a problem in this country. Ever since Bill Clinton, no one has been allowed to be president without being constantly under attack. And I really think it hurts the position Democrat, Republican, or Libertarian, whatever. You got to let the person try to do the fucking job.

You know? Anyways, they hate him and will blow up anything he dedicated. Basically they're saying Trump has chosen debate team A, therefore we will choose opposing team B. That is true with CNN and Fox. They both do it. Everybody is making a big deal over every bombshell in quotes in the Mueller probe of he must have known and this lawyer knew about that shit and pleaded guilty. Really?

Do you want to tell me Hillary Clinton or any other politician would have the same kind of, uh, I think you wanted to say wouldn't have the same kind of dirt. Yeah, Hillary would have been getting attacked the entire fucking time. They all played dirty. I would never have expected it otherwise. So my point is, yeah, but they don't all play dirty. Bernie Sanders did not play dirty, which why I don't think it's a waste of a vote to even though the guy's not going to win to a vote for somebody like that, because you're trying

to encourage more people by seeing the amount of votes that you can get by being a good fucking person. I hate when people say you've wasted your vote. Anyways, um, so my point is Trump actually noticed a problem in South Africa that requires attention, but we probably won't get the attention we need because the dumbass media is too busy writing South Africa hit back at Trump articles. That's true. They try to take down everything that he's doing, but the thing about it is, is he only

seems to notice problems that hit white people. Okay. That's the fucking problem. Okay. And, and, and as much as our media definitely would have attacked any Republican that went in there, the left-wing media would definitely do that. I mean, I think when you look at neo-Nazis and go, yeah, well, I mean, you know, people were being aggressive on both sides.

You kind of lose a lot of credibility is all I'm saying. All right. But I understand also what you're saying. Okay. Continuing. Um, wow, you read it all the way up to here. Please go be an inspiration to all the other hairless gingers out there. Um, all right.

So there's another one from South Africa, Bill Clinton's balanced budget myth. All right. So it wasn't balanced. Now I have to want like, where did this come from? Now it's just people on the right. You don't know where this is from. So now I have to, I'm just supposed to read this and I'm supposed to look at you and assume that you're this guy down the middle that votes on both sides.

I will, I will read this. You guys are making me more informed, I think, or maybe you're swaying me like that guy who wrote in from Russia, but I don't know if that's the guy from Russia who's hacked into the Twitter shit. I don't know where any of this shit's coming from. Uh, shark theft. Hey Bill, just wanted to share this ridiculous story about this guy that stole a fucking shark from an aquarium in Texas.

He dressed the shark as a baby and put it on a push chair and just walked out. His justification was he was concerned for the shark's welfare. Well, he probably wanted to put it back in the ocean, but, uh, once he takes it out of the water, I think the shark was like, Hey man, I don't think that aquarium was, was so bad. Granted, it's not as big as the ocean and I'm no longer to live freely as a living thing on this planet. But, uh, you know, if the shark went to rescue you and stuck you, dressed you as a baby and

put you in a fucking carriage and then took you underwater, I think you'd be like, There is still some due process in this country. The fact that the article says a man, man accused of stealing shark. I mean, I think the fact that he had it, you know, Oh, I thought this was like, I thought that was part of the gift bag after you went to the aquarium that you could take one of the fish home. All right, Robin Leach, uh, Billy Benz, uh, you're old enough to remember lifestyles of the rich and famous.

Oh yeah. Yeah, that was great. That's one of the first, uh, the sort of MTV cribs before MTV cribs. This guy, Robin Leach, and they glorified it and it was just all like, and when they're sitting at the pool, they just don't sit at the pool, they eat S car go. I loved watching it, uh, do an impression for the kids who don't know what he sounded like. I can't do an impression of him.

I haven't seen it long enough and I'm not good at impressions unless the person's in my life. Um, like I can imitate. I can imitate. I'm working on a Dean Delray that I'm going to get like, uh, he always comes back from a concert. Hey, Dean, how was it? Oh, dude, it was killer.

He always goes down or if he's talking about someone that's an asshole, oh, that guy, that guy, that guy's a garbage kid. All right. The first show to really give you a look at how filthy rich some people are was the lifestyles of the rich and famous. I remember seeing an onyx black bathtub and just thinking that all rich people had black sinks and black bathroom fixtures. All right.

For those of you who didn't grow up in the eighties, if somebody had an all black bathroom, they were into cocaine on an entirely different level. They were going, uh, Kleinfeld. You remember Kleinfeld? The most underrated Sean Penn character of all fucking time, uh, car in Carlito's way. You got to check that out where he was good when I loved when Pachino said that lie. A lawyer, Kleinfeld, you ain't a lawyer. You are gangster.

The first show really gave you a, okay. Anyways, I remember seeing an onyx black, blah, blah, blah, anything stick out from that show. Do you have any goals? Did you have any goals when it came to luxury? Um, no, I didn't. I just, I just was thinking like, wow, that's amazing. But I never thought about money and it never seemed attainable.

Um, I obviously was saying, you know, when I got older that I, I, you know, I wanted the Camaro Berlinetta. I secretly liked the Z 28, but my older brother also liked that. And I didn't want to say that I liked the same car because I thought, you know, it would get me into a fist fight, you know, because that's just, you know, that's how it was back then. There wasn't any cell phone cameras or whatever. Like you just got in, you've just fought your older brother and then you tried out

shit on your younger brothers to try it on your older brother, but he had the psychological advantage and he always beat you. So I had to like a different Camaro than he did just to keep the peace. But when I was a kid, I wanted to have, um, I definitely, I wanted to have two bulldogs. I remember that I was going to name them butch and chopper butch because I thought it was a tough name. And then chopper, there was a cartoon I used to watch and one of the bulldogs name was chopper.

I can't even remember which and I was going to have a Camaro Berlinetta instead of the Z 28. So I wouldn't get the shit kicked out of me by my older brother and, uh, beyond that, I don't think the dream, I don't think the dream went any further than that. I was going to have a Camaro and two bulldogs. I never thought about a pool or, uh, finding love for becoming a parent. I was a kid. Yeah.

So I used to just watch that. And, um, I never gave a shit about tennis courts and stuff like that. I think I, uh, I was into sports. So I think maybe I wanted to have like an incredible wiffle ball field, maybe. I don't remember. It was a long time ago, but, uh, I definitely liked old houses even back then cause we, you know, I, for most of my childhood, I grew up in an old one, which is why to this day I live in an old house, um, and you guys listened to me complain about having to fix it up.

Um, all right. Lastly, but not leastly, girlfriend owes me 10 grand, but I want to break, I want to break up, uh, break up with their serve because I'll tell you right now. If you, if you're with the wrong woman in life, her only owning you 10 grand that you know, you're never going to get back. You got off easy. Fuck that dude. Go out and crush it in life.

Find a great woman that deserves you, treat her right. And you will, you will make, you know, and just find a job that you would go do for free. And you will make that 10 grand. You throw a bunch of zeros after it. You're going to make it back. And even if you don't make back the 10 grand, if you have love in your life and you love your job, it's way better than this. I would, I, without even reading this, it's, you're not getting your money back and no

one's going to help you because you're a man and she's a woman and she's just going to say it was a gift and she'll cry a little bit and it's going to be over. Just walk away, walk away. All right. All right. Dear lunatic. Oh, that might be my favorite intro ever. I've been dating my girlfriend for about four years and she only owes you 10 grand dude.

You're getting off easy. We dated two years in college and now for our first two years in the real world, I live and work in New York city and you, she only owes you 10 grand dude. Oh my God. I'd break up with her and go fucking max. I don't max out your credit card, but I would definitely go buy a couple of rounds. I live and work in New York city and while she works here, she lives at home since she's from Long Island.

Oh, I love, I love Long Island chicks. I have a well-paying job for being in my mid twenties. She does not make money, but luckily lives at home and saves on rent. However, she does have student loans and a car payment. About a year ago, her car needed some serious tune up work after she got in an accident while driving without insurance and she didn't have the cash to cover repairs and the repairs of the other car since the accident was her fault. Yeah.

You're dating a child here, sir. This is not an adult. Her parents really don't have much money. So she asked me for the money. I was hesitant because it's 8,500 bucks. It was essentially all of my signing bonus. You got an 8,500 dollar signing bonus, dude. What the fuck kind of job has a signing bonus where you're not playing in a professional

sports league? Dude, you're crushing it. Just walk away. 8,500 was essentially my signing bonus, but I knew she would pay me back at the time and at the time I thought I was going to marry her. All right. You're a good guy. Okay.

It's been a little over. You were practicing for being married by spending your hard earned money on your wife fucking up the car. I mean, that's part of being married. It's been a little over a year since I lent her the money and our relationship hasn't been great. Plus she's borrowed another $1,500 to pay some months of her loans and for a bachelorette weekend in Vegas.

I'm going to go out on a limb here saying you're not setting this relationship up correctly. She hasn't had much luck finding the right job. Constantly bouncing around is taking that built up frustration out on me. Okay. In all fairness to her, I haven't heard her side of the story here, but this is not sounding good. Plus she hates the commute. So she's constantly crashing in my apartment and walks around all entitled and just makes

a mess and eats all the food and doesn't clean up or cook or contribute since it's not her apartment. Dude, you know what I wish you should really, you don't even need me. What you needed to do was to write this letter, walk away for three days and come back and reread it and you'd have all you, you know, and just pretend you don't know this guy. What would you be saying to this guy right now? Eat the 10 grand and get the fuck out of there. NFL season's coming up, dude.

Get the fucking sports package. Go hit the gym and enjoy your fucking fall as it gets a little colder. You get to see the leaves turn and she's not there fucking eating all your goddamn cheezes. She seems like she isn't in a good place mentally and even though she says other, even though she says otherwise every so often when she makes an outland just purchase, I do bring up the fact that she has student loans and owes me money, which leads to a big fight. Yeah. People who borrow money and don't pay it back always turn it into a fight when you actually

say like, Hey, are you going to do what you promised to do? They start acting like assholes. This is not a good person, buddy. She might eventually become one, but you don't have time to wait. Okay. You're in the prime of your life. You're in your twenties. You got an $8,500 signing bonus, whatever fucking job you're doing.

I just hope you're not rating the 401ks of people who are too old to get new jobs. Um, yeah, dude, I would walk away and you live in New York. There's plenty of responsible driven women out there that don't need a fucking guy and you know, you can meet somebody that's at your level and that's what you want to do. Okay. If you can marry up, but you don't go less than eyeball to eyeball and that's not what this relationship is from what you're telling me. I haven't heard her side of the story.

Anyways, I'm truly different from the girl I wait, I'm truly considering breaking up with her because she's so different from the girl I fell in love with. However, I feel like she for sure will never pay me back and we'll drift into an even darker place if I ended. What do you think I should do? Thanks in advance for your advice and go fuck yourself. Hey, here's something I learned. Somebody else's happiness is not your responsibility and you holding her accountable and actually

breaking up with her. If she is an adult, she will cause her to take a long look at herself and figure out what she did wrong. If she's as immature as you're describing her, she's going to blame you after you've done all this wonderful stuff for you, for her. So like this is a no brainer. This seems like the tip of the iceberg and the fact that she's pulling this shit with you and you're not even legally bound.

Imagine when you're legally bound and she can take half of everything that you fucking make. What is her ego going to be there then? She's at the part of the relationship right now where she's supposed to be pretending to be the person that she isn't and she's already behaving this way. So I would say you're just starting to meet who the fuck she really is. That's the way this is worded. So I would say, you know what, 10 grand, that is 10,000 bucks to not be married to this

is one of the great fucking deals you're ever going to get. God bless you, sir. Enjoy the football season or whatever the fuck you're into and go on to live in a great life and meet somebody you deserve. Alright, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.