Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-28-17

Episode Date: August 29, 2017

Bill rambles about Make A Wish, Booze Batting Lineups and free T-shirts.

Hey what's going on, it's Bill Byrne, it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. What is it, August 28th, 2017, what's going on, I want you all to know what's going on. What's up? Sorry, it was obnoxious, I understand, I understand, but I gotta make the ladies shut it off first, right? Oh my god, who is this guy yelling? Why would you want to listen to that when you could just sit and watch reality television with myself and listen to a bunch of broads fucking yelling at each other?

It's unreal, it's unreal. My wife watches that shit all the time, all the fucking time you come home and it's just like, it's like they live with us. You know what I mean? Me and my wife, we get along great, you know, but you wouldn't know it, walking up the fucking front walk to the house, you hear like five women screaming at each other, you know, and it's just like, well, are we hosting the Jerry Springer show, what's going on, and you open the door and she's watching the real housewives of, who gives a fuck?

The real housewives of Trenton. The real housewives of Dayton, Ohio, wherever the hell they are, wherever they are, whatever city they're in, the real housewives, they got fake tits, they got big ass fucking, they got ass injection lips, they got the fucking Botox, it's unbelievable, but where they are? Real housewives, grand rapids, you're like, there's not going to be some Hollywood shit guy, and there it is. Why is everybody walking around acting like there's some aging actress? You know what I mean?

And they somehow, they have to look good for, what the fuck are you looking? You're a 50 year old mom. Just be your mom, relax, it's over. You landed a guy, he knocked you up, all the laws are in your favor. For God's sakes, go have a fucking piece of pie and go smoke a camel. I don't understand what the fuck these fucking spaghetti strapped women, you know, the stupid, they're still wearing the tag tops, you know what I mean? Jesus Christ, with the fucking tired skin showing, what are you doing?

Trying to compete with your daughter, what are you doing? Go, look, take a page out of my book, just fucking, just give into it, your hair starts falling out, fucking shave it, your legs are too white, put some pants on. Your fucking guts getting too big, start wearing sport coats on stage. These are the, that's the classy way, that's the classy way to just gracefully, you know, go from being young into your middle aged into just being old, that's what you do. Then you get an old man hat, right? You start puttering around, you make funny little jokes, everybody laugh, look at him,

look at that old guy still making jokes, that's what you do. You don't get chemical shot into your fucking face, you know, and enhance your fucking tits, like what are you trying to do? You're trying to give some 60 year old a heart on? I don't understand what these women are doing. It was funny, I didn't even want to talk about this shit, I just, I don't know why that just came out, it just did, all right? I had a wonderful show last night, a wonderful show.

I was at the Cape Cod Melody, Melody Tent, if I could say it, which is such a special place for me to do stand up, because the one and only time I ever saw the great George Carlin live was at the Cape Cod Melody Tent, and I am embarrassed to say I saw him in 1988 and me and this other guy went to go see him to laugh at him, because my buddy had me convinced that he had stopped writing and that he was still doing 20 year old bits. So we were going to go see him as a joke, this is how fucking stupid I was, one of the most prolific comedians of all fucking time. So we show up to laugh at this guy, and within two seconds we were just on the fucking floor

laughing, and the guy had his brand new 90 fucking minutes. And we were driving home like, he wasn't doing more stuff, he wasn't doing fucking, like that's how dumb I was. I did a lot of dumb shit back then, I went to some comedy shows and I was literally the person in the crowd, I wasn't heckling or anything, you know what I mean? So one time I did heckle Don Rickles, just because I wanted to have an interaction with him and I knew that I wasn't going to meet him, you know? I saw him at a casino about four years ago, and I waited till his encore, and he came

out in the encore and he was just doing his jokes, doing his jokes, and I was way in the back, he's playing this giant role, I was way in the back and I just went, Donny! He didn't say anything, kept doing his jokes, kept doing his jokes, I waited like another three minutes and I went, Donny! And he just looked out to where I was sitting and he goes, Yeah, I know my name, made that fucking Rickles face, and I was with Bartnick and he fucking elbowed, he goes, He heard you, he heard you, and that was it. You know, I broke a major rule of engagement there, with the fucking as a stand up comedian,

I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't help myself, I couldn't help myself, you know what? Let's be honest, why don't we just be honest, okay? Now that that stupid fucking fight is over, can we all just be honest with ourselves here? I'm a selfish person, and rather than accepting the fact that I wasn't going to get an interaction with them, I had to do that because I'm a selfish cunt, okay? And you know, now can we all be honest about what went on Saturday night? I got to be honest with you, I have not even seen highlights of it, I didn't fucking watch

it, I actually came home and was staying with some relatives here in Boston who also didn't get the fight because they're sane people, they're like, yeah, it's just, you know, he's, Floyd's going to carry him for a couple of rounds that he's going to finish him and then they're both, you know, they're not going to really fuck each other up and they're both going to leave with a boatload of money. Isn't that what's going on here? Yeah. Isn't there some guy Alvarez who's actually a fucking modern day champion or some shit

like that coming up and he, well, we'll spend the money on that. We'll spend the money on that fucking thing, whatever that boxing match, I don't know shit about boxing, but I do know Lael Alzado versus Muhammad Ali when I fucking see it. So, I mean, a better version of it, I should say, but anyways, we actually watched Wicked Tuna, I have such mixed emotions when I watch those fishing shows, you know, I got this love of animals, but I also love Tuna, you know, I'm an environmentalist who loves crab, you know, king crab, who the fuck doesn't love that? I mean, that's just fucking tremendous.

So when they're sitting there talking about how it's all fished out and they can't find any and that type of stuff, you know, it's not that we should stop crabbing, they should just be less fucking people that they have to find it for, you know, so, you know, I don't know, I always have all these fucking ideas of how to, you know, trim down the population. And of course, I'm never part of the problem, right? As most mass-murdering maniacs, you're never part of the problem. Like Hitler, I'm sure when he looked in the window, the window looked in the mirror, right? And was brushing his fucking teeth, right?

I'm sure that he saw a blond-haired blue-eyed person, instead of seeing what he truly was, which was the runt of the litter, you know what I mean? But the guy had heart and he fucking overcame what the fuck he looked like to achieve his dream. You know? Granted, he was out of his fucking mind. But I mean, that alone should have just, he should have been. If he wasn't so crazy, he would have been, well, look at me, I'm fucking ugly as shit

and look what I've achieved, you know? What if somebody who looks like me actually had a good heart, imagine what they would achieve? Isn't that, well, how fucking lunatic, how much of a fucking lunatic is that guy? They're like, you know, my dream came true and I played the Cape Cod melody telling jokes. His dream came true and fucking, you know, tens of millions of people died. That was literally his dream, you know? Like imagine if he never did his shit, right?

And he just lived a regular life and then all of a sudden God, well, I can't even say God forbid, it's him. I just naturally say God forbid when I talk about terminal disease. Adolf Hitler, right? Doesn't fucking, you know? He bought his paintings or some shit, right? So he just doesn't go down that fucking road. Now he's just, you know, some regular guy and then he has like, he gets some terminal

illness and for some reason make a wishes back then and they go, what is your dream? What is your wish? And then he's, really you're going to make my wish come true? This is what we do, Adolf. We make sure you die with a smile on your face. What is your dream? And he would have laid there, you know, telling the guy to come a little bit closer. What do you want to do?

I would do exterminate all of the Jews. That's what he would have said. And what a fucking quagmire that make a wish would have been in, huh? They would have had to have, they would have to hang on a second. They'd have to step out in the hall going, what do we do here? I mean, you know, we just kind of made a broad statement that we make dreams come true. We didn't clarify it. Like, what do you want to stand out here long enough?

Maybe he'll fucking die of the disease. I mean, our whole reputation's on the line, right? And then all of a sudden make a wish, gets dragged into it, gets dragged into the madness of this man. And then no longer looked upon as this wonderful organization that they are, right? Which takes in millions and millions of dollars, right? God knows what the fuck they do. Who knows?

You never know with those charities, right? Are they helping people out, or are they helping themselves to a classic Camaro with some tea tubs? When we return, we'll be taking some callers. Sorry, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about today. So anyways, yeah, everybody thought I was going to cave. I have not caved on two fronts. I have not drank in 11 days, and I feel great.

This is it, dude. I go 11 days, I could go a year. I could go a fucking year. I feel fucking fantastic, and I just used the word fantastic. I never said fantastic. I'm doing cardio like I've always been doing, but I'm not negating it at night with the fucking three or four home pours over there with the giant ice cube. And it's actually, the sober life is fucking great.

It just sucks at night. It's the only thing. At night, it sucks at night, because it's like, what the fuck do I do? I'm like, yeah, I'm a habit guy. So this is the time of night. I fucking do this, and then I'm not doing it, and I'm like, well, now what do I do? What do I do? So you know, I did, I started playing guitar again.

Anything, you know? I suck. What do you want? I mean, I go in there, I fucking play a little bit during that time, and then it gets late, and then I literally feel my body just going, come on, dude, go pour one, go this right over there. Look at the bottle, dude. Look at the bottle.

It's right there. Just pour yourself one. All I have to do is just go downstairs to my bedroom, and then the fact that I'm an old man takes over, like, God, dude, I am not fucking going all the way back up there. Even as I'm laying there, you know, I go downstairs, and my angel of a wife is laying in bed watching five women she doesn't know screaming at each other and say horrible things, you know? They're really big on attacking, like if a woman's never had a child, they're really

big on attacking that, if I'm, oh, man, they're fucking mean. Just mean, goddamn fucking mean people, you know? As dumb as guys are, the way we solve shit with violence, I just think, you know, just punching somebody in the face is way more civil than saying, well, that's why you're barren and you can't have a child. It's like, really? Do me a favor, next time just punch me in the nose. Can we just leave it at that?

So there's something to salvage afterwards? Jesus Christ. 20, but now that I've gone 11 days, now it just starts to fade, like, I walk by my fucking, I told you, 1927 Yankees line up with the fucking booze, and I'm telling you, like, I don't even see it anymore, like, you know, I don't, I don't, I got murderers row, murderers row, the shit that I drink, you know, and they're all, I have the batting order, you know what I mean? Top of the order, right through cleanup is the top of the shelf, top shelf shit, you

know, that's your pappies, I say, okay, here we go, let's go with booze. So what would your lineup be? Who's hitting lead off? Who's getting on base, right? Who's your fucking Ricky Henderson that's going to fucking possibly hit a solo shot and the next guys don't even have to knock him in, you know what I'm going to say, I'm going to go, my Ricky Henderson is Johnny Walker Blue, okay, this is going to be hard. I got too many cleanup hitters.

Then I would say bat in second is grand patron, all right, I'm not a big tequila guy, so I'm not getting into that fucking agave shit, where the fuck they put in it. And I would say, this is a hard one. I would say maybe some Pappy Van Winkles is going third, then bat and cleanup in my world, I would say is McCallum rare cask, right? Now we're getting to the middle of the order. This is, you know, it's not a special occasion, I just want to get fucked up, all right? These are the guys hitting 272.80, then you get in the middle order, you got Johnny Walker

Black is batting fifth, I'd say, no, fifth is Patron Silver, Johnny Walker Black is batting sixth, batting seventh, eighth and ninth. Now you're talking companies coming over, you like these people, but they don't like appreciate good booze. So you're just going to hit them with some basic shit, right? That's when you have to go Makersmark, Jack Daniels, batting ninth, batting ninth if someone wants to mix it. I'll give you, this is the fuck, this is the National League when the pitcher bats Johnny

Walker red label. There you go. That's my line. Hey, you know what? Send me in your booze lineups. Probably should have had a, I can do the beer one. Lead offs got to be Budweiser, you know, that thing's getting on fucking pace, right? Batting second, I would have Miller Highlife, batting third.

No, no, let me, I'm going to be a fuck, I got, I don't know. Lead off course light. No, but if we're doing best beer all the way down, no, no, no, what am I doing here? What am I doing here? All right. I am, I am, I am white trash when it comes to beer, okay? The fanciest, I mean, I'll go, I would say, all right, I go Budweiser, then Miller. Then I'd say, batting third, batting third in beer as a tough one.

He's starting wanting people clear the bases a little bit. I'll go a little snobby and I will say blue moon. I don't mind the orange slice. I don't mind it. Like I find, if I'm just fucking thirsty, I'll have one of those bat and clean up is Guinness, all right? Then I'd have a black and tan and fifth, six, now you just get, now you want to get fucked up, right?

But you don't want to get your fucking, you're going to become a fat fuck. So I would say course light, light beer for Miller, now eight and nine, eight and nine. This is for when some, you know, some older people are coming over with their kids and you just get a, I don't know, for whatever fucking reason, you got to have an IPA. Someone else like a Sierra Nevada or some shit. I would, something like that. I don't drink, but I mean, I'd leave that alone. Isn't this the stupidest conversation?

I'm literally fucking sober and I'm making booze batting lineups. All right. If you're a beer drinker, if you're a hard liquor, you know, I want to hear your lineups. Okay. Let's get ready, man. The fucking pen and races are heating up. All right. I want to, I want to see what your lineups are.

You come walking up to the bar with your little pulling your fucking lineup card out of your back pocket. By the way, that blue moon is signed to like a one year contract. You know, you just pick up a fucking big bat at the end of the fucking season. Like he, you know, he's not, he's not a true Red Sox. All right. So anyways, by the way, somebody tweeted at me that stupid company out there in fucking Wisconsin, microchipping their fucking employees and these fucking idiots are doing it.

And you know, and I'm like, why would they do that? And then all you have to do is look at their faces and you look at them. They, I have this childlike innocence. They're believers. That's all it is. They grew up in a great state of Wisconsin where you're sheltered. All right. You're in the Midwest.

You're in the heart of the country. That fat fucking weasel in North Korea, his missiles, even if it makes it that far, he's not shooting it at Wisconsin, right? The Green Bay Packers, did they like owned by the fans? It's fucking everybody's making cheese. It's Mayberry. You've ever been to Wisconsin? It's fucking tremendous.

The air is fresh. The water is fucking clean. At least it looks that way when I drive by at 80 miles an hour on the way to some Godforsaken fucking place I'm going to perform at, right? It's tremendous fuck. These people, they believe, right? They all wanted to fight. They think he's going to make it great again.

They just, they believe, you know why? Because they're fucking good people out there. So they walk into the work, they, hey guys, this is the new thing. And they, and they sit there looking, gee, I don't know. This seems a little bit creepy, right? But how do they get them? And how do you get, how do you get the general masses? How do you get them?

All right? There's two ways to get the general masses. Fear and free t-shirts. One or the other. You scare the shit out of them. They're fucking on board. You tell them the boogeyman's under their bed, whatever the fuck you tell them they need to do, they're going to fucking do it.

If you don't want to fucking waste your time coming up some fucking boogeyman story, just make a free fucking t-shirt. And that's what they did in Wisconsin. They had these fucking t-shirts that said, I got chipped. That was it. That was, that was the tipping point. Wait a minute. If I put that foreign object in me, that I have no idea what it is, no idea what its

capabilities are, no idea what it really does, other than what you tell me, you evil cunt. You'll give me that free t-shirt and you know they got on the extra soft ones. Oh my God, dude, my, I tell you right now, my favorite, my favorite go-to t-shirt is my, I got chipped. It's so soft. You know, and as much as I'm making fun of them, I see the writing on the wall because there's way more people. There's way more believers out there, you know, believing in the invisible lines, believing

in the teams, believing in all that fucking bullshit, right? Believing that they're evil, but these people are saints or vice versa, right? These people are evil. They do it, they do it all over the world. God loves us best. These people are infidels. These people are fucking this. These people are fucking that.

It's the thing is the common thread with human beings is that there's fucking lunatics at the top. Okay. And then you have nice people at the bottom, you know, Wisconsin people. People give this shirt off, you fucking back, you know, provided you're not 210. Let's, let's not, let's not overly romanticize these white people. The end of the day, they are white people, okay? And I'm not shitting on my own people. We're just in a position.

It's a society way, way, you know, nobody's watching us. So we get to go full fucking, you know, full fucking frontal nudity with their fucking brains. There's nobody, there's nobody in our way, right? That's why we, that's why we go fucking crazy. You need some sort of hand on maybe that's what the microchip is for. I have no idea. I just know at the end of the fucking trail, who is it?

Think of some of the people that run shit. Look at Bill Clinton, the man could not keep his dick in his pants. He's shoving cigars up women's vaginas half his fucking age. That fucking guy, that that's one of the guys runs shit. Or someone of his fucking ilk. You're going to let that guy put a fucking microchip. What do I get a free t-shirt? Yes, you do.

Skippy. All right, I'm in and that's it. And this is the thing. They don't need, they don't need thinking people to buy in. All they need is the free t-shirt people and the free t-shirt people. You get enough of them. It becomes a tipping point and then they can start changing. You know what I mean?

It's like the toll booths, right? Everybody easy pass. I'm not getting that. You're not going to fucking track where I'm going. All right. And it was just one easy pass lane, 10 fucking lanes where you threw your change in or fucking went to a guy, right? And then it became eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Go fuck yourself. Well, you don't have to. You can use the fucking surface roads. You don't have to use the highways, but your taxes did pay for them. Then you're like, fuck, that's what happens. And they'll get all of us. Do you know what? You know what I love about life though?

They can never stop you from drinking yourself to death. And that's one to grow on. All right. With that, let's, I'm sorry, they got really fucking dark. All right. What are we doing here? Live reads. Okay.

I'm reading off my phone here because I have no internet where I'm at right now. I'm going to have to go drive down to a fucking coffee shop. You know, there's nothing in a coffee shop that I want other than their internet. You know, I don't drink coffee. Your, your little pastries are, they're like eating a fucking bathroom tile. They're always fucking up. They just suck. Everything in Starbucks fucking sucks.

I don't, I don't have the coffee. I know the coffee is their heroin. All right. But you ever go into a bodega that's really selling fucking drugs? You know what I mean? You know how old this cereal is? That's what, that's like what fucking like Starbucks is. It's like a drug deal in bodega.

You know what I mean? Like the only thing that, that, that is good in there, that is, that is not past its fucking date of freshness is the fucking drugs that they're selling. And with Starbucks, it's the coffee. Everything else in there sucks. That's why you got to love Dunkin Donuts. You know? The coffee evidently is out of this fucking world, but they also make, they make these great donuts.

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You know, one thing I do like about technique technology. I like doc you sign. I really enjoy that shit makes it nice and fucking easy. Oh, by the way, I have to I have to height this gig because they don't do a lot of they don't do a lot of stand up at this venue. Now at this point, if you listen to the podcast for a while, now you realize that, you know, as much as old freckles goes on stage telling jokes, he's actually a frustrated musician.

You know, I wish I was good at guitar. I wish I was good at drums. I have a tremendous amount of respect for musicians speaking of which Queens of the Stone Age, one of my favorite bands of all time put out their brand new album. This week. I'm going to be listening to it and I'll give you my own review of it on Thursday.

Just kidding. I fucking hate when people do that. Like I'm supposed to listen to you. Who the fuck are you? You know, fucking listen to you. I'll listen to it myself and make up my own mind. How about that? How about that?

All right there? YouTube person. YouTube person. Anyways, I'm going to be November 2nd. I'm going to be in Clear Lake, Iowa at the surf ballroom. You know, the surf ballroom is the that's the last place. Buddy Holly, the Big Barber, Richie Valens, all of those guys played Wayland Jennings was there that night and he went on

the bus and everything. Just being a music fan. I don't know. It's slightly morbid to play there, but I'm going to play there and I'm flying in. I'm landing at the fucking airport. They took off from there. He was like, dude, aren't you fucking nervous?

They crashed because there was no de-icing technology back then. They had too much weight on their wings, which changed the shape of the airfoil. They were overweight. They couldn't fucking produce enough lift. They crashed and they died. That's not going to happen in 2017. So I'm going to be there.

It won't happen to me. It won't happen to you. If you want to check out this legendary venue. November 2nd, Clear Lake, Iowa surf ballroom. I'm going to be there with Dean Delray. Who was actually born the same day that they all died, not the same year, but the same day. So it's going to be just going to be tremendously freaky fucking

night. I got a brand new hour and last night I could not have gone better and I left out half of my fucking jokes. I was having so much fun down at the Cape Cod Melody Detent. So please get your tickets November 2nd, Clear Lake, Iowa, the surf ballroom and I will be tweeting out and Facebooking out a link because I am an old man. I'm not on Photoshop.

I'm not on Instagram. It's not Photoshop. It's the other one is Instagram and then there's the other one Snapchat. I need to get on those, right? Is that what I need to do? By the way, I'm thinking of putting together a college tour. A tour of colleges in the beginning of next year to help

promote Effis for Family and bring in a bunch of swag to you know, free merchandise, free Effis for Family merchandise. This is what I want to do. If I get enough interest from certain schools, especially the University of Kansas when the Jayhawks have a home basketball game so I can go to that legendary arena, that would be tremendous. Do you understand what I'm saying here?

I was actually thinking of doing that once a year, right? In every like, you know, college fucking division, you know, like one year I'll do a big 10 fucking Effis family tour. I'll do an SEC one. I'll do a PAC 12, whatever the fuck they're called now. The whack, right? Do something like that. I don't know.

I'm always thinking of fucking ideas like that shit, but just to help promote it and because that's my fucking job. I got to sell the goddamn show. Don't get mad at me, right? All right, 37 minutes in. Here we go. Here we go. All right, let's let's read some of your questions here for

this week. The 90s, dear Billy Temple pilot. I'm feeling a bit nostalgic for the 90s. I was 12 and 1990. I'm 10 years older than you. You bastard. It had no stress or responsibilities. I get how that influences this, but it was a good time.

I'm happy with technology now and our society is more conscious of social issues, but everything is so loud now. Do you ever get nostalgic for the 90s? If so, what part of the 90s? Can you have your podcast guy use the Friends theme song for the Thursday podcast? That's a question mark or anything awesome from the 90s. Thanks for reading this.

If you do life is pretty boring these days. And if I could you use something to brighten my day as a pet store manager. All right, sir. Here's what's happening to you is you're slipping into your life and you don't like what's going on. So rather than fixing the now, you're going back in time. That's not, I mean, that's, that's a temporary fix.

Okay. If you don't want to manage a pet store, ask yourself what you really want to do and start slowly walking towards that, taking a half a step, a quarter step every day and one point you're going to look up and God damn it. There it is. Just like Indiana Jones. And then you grab it and all of a sudden the giant ball starts

rolling after you and you got a fucking run out of there and that's you after you make it, then trying to stay there. All right, but that's way more exciting than managing this pet store that, you know, you're saying brighten your day as a pet store manager. You one of these guys who actually doesn't like animals. You probably don't like the people right coming in there or whatever.

I don't know what it is, but it's, but I will answer your question. My favorite part of the nineties was the month before never mine came out and I was listening to the skid rose slave to the grind and I thought hair metal and all night when the hair metal, but metal was never going to end. Cause that was what you love was the end of my youth because I was 22 in 1990.

So that was the end of it for me. So like think about 2000 for you. You're getting out of college. All this new music's coming out. You're starting to not be able to, you know, the next few years, you can't keep up with it. What the fuck are they listening to? And then that's what happens and then you start driving around

and but I'm not going to let you do this shit that I still listen to. You know, I try to listen to newer shit like, you know, it's a new band to me like Cold War kids and I'm like, I saw them, you know, recently they were on TV. I'll download some of this stuff. And I'm like, I remember that song. That fucking bow, bow, bow, bow, that song that fucking soon

the guys singing way the really high voice, amazing voice. And I was looking at that. It's like that fucking album came out 2006 or something. So I'm way behind the curve, but I try to stay up on. All right. You want to hear some embarrassing. I'm going to fucking tell you all my latest. My latest downloads.

I downloaded dream weaver by Gary Wright. That album tremendously, tremendously fucking underrated album. All right. Cause everybody thinks of they think of that song. Woo woo woo dream weaver, right? And everybody laughs at that song. You know, they use it in these ironic history, hipster fucking

ways. I got to tell you, man. That fucking album is the shit. And there's definitely some poppy shit on there, but all these years and me talking about loving to play drums and all this stuff. Why did nobody tell me about Andy Newmark? Jesus Christ.

That guy's one of the best fucking drummers I've ever heard. He plays on this album. And you know, you don't have to get it for fucking dream weaver or any of that shit, but like love is alive. The longest time I thought that sounded like Clapton to me singing or maybe like one of those Steve Winwood bands. Just listened to how tasty the fucking drums are. And I'll actually post a video this week of him fucking

playing with like Rod Stewart and these guys just fucking wailing. All right. So I downloaded that. Then I downloaded cold war kids robbers and cowards. I'm downloading the new Queens of the Stone Age today. And then here's. Oh, Jesus.

Well, he's in defense of me. I lost a lot of my music when I dropped my last phone into the toilet. It was actually in my back pocket. And I stood up from taking taking a dump. Right. No, no, I didn't. I didn't.

I was fucking hammered. I remember this guy was saying there was something about standing up when you take a piss some fucking health reason. So I sat down like a lady, right? And I had my phone in my back pocket when I stood up and fucking fell into the toilet. Fucking brutal. Like I was going to go get that.

No, it ain't happening. So I don't use the cloud and everything just I lost everything. So I downloaded AC DC. If you want blood, you got it live. AC DC for those about to rock AC DC high voltage. Then I had to get my vintage arrow Smith in there. I downloaded get your wings rocks toys in the attic. Then I downloaded the new fucking mute math while I'm on

weight and I'm still waiting for the rest of the album come out the play dead. I downloaded Glen Campbell rhinestone cowboy because I've been singing that with the advertising like a rhinestone ball bag. Peter Frampton Frampton comes alive. Alt J's Alt J. This is all yours Marvin Gaye sexual healing download.

What a fucking tremendous song. That is the new Royal blood album. Anthony Hamilton. Then I downloaded like three Prince albums. No, two of them sign of the times and then dirty mine. The first Soundgarden album. The Prince album for you. Then a Dave Brubrak live at Carnegie Hall.

Then a bunch of Miles Davis. That's what I've done in the last couple of months. Steaming with miles working with miles round about midnight relaxing with miles cooking with miles. And there you go. That's what the fuck I've been downloading. What else like a Wayne shorter. The idiot King attention deficit.

I think that's a. Oh, that's what's his face. Tim Alexander on drums on that the brown album. Bad motor finger temple of the dog. Oh, that was right when Chris Cornell died. I had to get all that fucking music back on my phone. John Coltrane, Sonny Rollins, Tesla, skid row. There you go.

Marilyn Manson, Primus, Primus, Primus. Animals should not act like people. Pork, soda and sailing the seas of cheese. You know, Derosa just sent me a new fucking. They knew their latest fucking track. It's the shit. I absolutely loved it. Primus has a new one coming out.

What the fuck is it called? Let me see here. Where is it? Where is it? Where is it in my phone in my phone in my phone? All right. What do I have him underneath? You know, everybody says Joe has no shoulders.

That's not true. He lacks the meat that is between your neck and your shoulders, basically his trapeze. He's he was born without it. All right, Primus, the seven. Check that out this week. All right, enough with this old man telling you the music that he likes.

Let's get back to your young people questions here. Shall we? So yeah, when grunge came in, I didn't like the first like when Pearl Jam first came out and Nirvana first came out. I didn't like those bands because they knocked all my bands off the top 10. You know, I was like, this isn't a good band. What about Brittany Fox?

What about Winger, man? What about warrant? And yeah, I listen. I didn't necessarily buy all those albums, but I didn't think any of that was bad music. I was young. I didn't fucking know any better. You know, at least those guys could fucking play.

I know these cunts today with a fucking laptop and a goddamn Christmas tree in their head. So it took me a long time to admit that Nirvana Pearl Jam were great bands, but like Soundgarden and fucking Allison Chains had like fucking that anger in there. And just the sound of their lead singers, man. I just I really like their frontman. And now, of course, you know, I love Pearl Jam.

I love Nirvana and all that shit. But I was a bit of a baby when their music came out. I was I was too young. This is the first time I've seen my music go away. So I wasn't mature enough to be like, you know what, you know, I have to accept that, you know, my time has come and gone and that this is what the fucking music is now. And I should listen to it.

Took me a good 20 years to be able to do that. All right. Hey there, Billy Clinton. Did you did you hear this yet? The court ruled that the head of the Democratic National Convention, Debit Wasserman, that's her name. D I B B I T Schultz rigged the primaries against Bernie Sanders. The court.

What court? So this woman under the influence of Hillary Clinton's camp tampered in the U.S. election process, but none of the Democrats are celebrity do rights are going to be outraged because there's sanctimonious ass hats. And for the record, I was a registered Democrat and stop fucking saying that. If it's a fact, it's a fact.

I don't need to. And I used to be a this or I actually vote for Obama. I don't give a fuck what you did. If what you're saying is factual, I don't need to know what the fuck you did. I was a registered Democrat until about 2010, but with the exception of Bush and Gerald Ford. Anyways, the hypocrisy is just so insane to me to not be mad at

this, especially as a Democrat. I think you have to have clinical issues. Yeah. Well, I heard like Bernie Sanders was drawn a bunch of people. They just didn't even cover it. All right. Now, where does this coming from? This is the the observer.com June 2016.

A class action suit was filed against the Democratic National Committee and the former Democratic National Debbie Debbie Wasserman shows for violating the DNC charter by rigging the Democratic presidential primaries for Hillary Clinton against Bernie Sanders. How hilarious would this be? It's actually doubly sad if this is true. Even former Senate Minority Leader, Harry Reid admitted in

July 2016. I knew everybody knew that this was not a fair deal. He added that Debbie Wasserman Schultz should have resigned much sooner than she did. The lawsuit was filed to push the Democratic National Convention to admit their wrongdoing and provide Bernie Sanders supporters who supported him financially with millions of dollars in campaign contribution with restitution for being cheated on August 25,

2017. Federal Judge Williams. Is this all true? Dismissed the lawsuit after several months of litigation during which the Democratic National Convention attorneys argued that the DNC would be with well within their rights to rig primaries and select their own candidates. That was their argument.

So they weren't denying it and evaluating plaintiffs claims that this, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to send this to Jimmy Dore. And I want him to because he, you know, I'm too stupid to be able to debunk this or say that it's actually fucking true. I want to know. I want to know what love is. I mean, this wouldn't surprise me.

You know what I mean? I would actually love if this got some fucking attention. Just to truly shut up all these fucking dopes in Hollywood. You know, you know, back in the day, I mean, I guess I mean, I think that, I mean, who's kidding you? I'm not trying to be the spokesperson for fucking Wesson oil or whatever the fuck people are trying to do out there.

But like, I try to like evenly trash everybody and I'm totally into conspiracy theory. Like none of this is shocking to me. You know, I just think we're just inherently flawed and I base that on myself. As I fucking, you know, as I just fuck up all the time, we just would just inherently flawed people. All right, Jimmy door.

There we go. This is how dumb I am. I'm going to send this to him and I'm just going to text. Is this true? You know, and he loves me enough to actually reply to this. I know part of him is going to feel sad that I'm as dumb as I am. And then I have his phone number. Yeah, I mean, none of that surprises me.

I mean, it was he kind of felt that Bernie was getting boxed out. And I guess maybe the Democratic National Committee does have the I guess does have the right to do it the same way the NFL had the right to suspend Tom Brady, whether he did anything or not. I mean, when they took it to court, they go, yeah, this is bullshit.

You don't have enough fucking evidence and they're like, well, we're a corporation, right? Does a corporation have a right to suspend its employee? Yes, you do. Well, Tom Brady is our employee. Therefore, he suspended. That's kind of like what they did to Bernie Sanders. And yes, I did just compare him to Tom Brady.

I think they have a lot in common. Living in a retirement community at 33 years of age. What's up? Freckled ball bag. A friend recently turned me on to your podcast. It's hilarious. Well, thank you. Thank you for preventing me from killing myself of my one-hour

commute to work. Well, that's great. I like to do what I can, although I am into population. Maybe I should take a control, population control. Maybe I should take a couple of weeks off. My wife, 28, and I, 33, finally had enough money to buy our first home. Dude, you guys are crushing it.

So he purchased a nice little townhouse in Connecticut. We didn't know at the time, but we were moving into a community that is potentially the evil offspring of a retirement village and the house of wax. Oh, yeah. Well, that's what happens when you buy your first house. You're so excited you don't drive around. You don't know the questions to ask.

Now you know. Are the people old as shit around here? Just out of curiosity. Is this a drug-filled neighborhood? Is there any chemical fucking shit in the water? What are the schools like? You know, all those questions you have to ask. All right, we are nice, courteous people.

And so we think, or so we think. So don't take the anger in this email out of context. Well, you had a little perspective of that. If you said we're nice, courteous people, but the fact that you actually have the intelligence to say or so we think, understanding that there is another perspective in life other than your own. We've helped some of our old ass neighbors carry shit,

you know, because they can't with the osteoporosis and everything, we wave and chat with them when walking our dog, and we even hold the charity beer pong tournament in New York City every year to raise money for MS, unrelated to our community, but shows we care. Question mark, I guess, question mark. Anywho, enough about us. This past weekend, we had my brother and sister-in-law

in town and invited another couple over on Saturday. Say! Sorry if I blew your eardrums out. I tried to pull it away enough. I don't think I took it away in time, sorry. We went to hang out at school, at our pool, sorry. We took a float, snacks, a couple of beers, and a speaker. There were five to seven other people at the pool,

all in their hundreds. It did not look like the pool scene from Caddyshack. We hung out, chatted, sipped a beer, and listened on low to Jack Johnson or some other mellow, soft shit. Monday morning at 10 a.m., the entire community got this email. Residents, it was reported to the board and the management that over this past weekend, there were some owners and guests who behaved inappropriately, loud and shouting conversations,

foul language, and may have partaken in alcoholic beverages prior to or while visiting the pool. None of these things are acceptable and are also violation of the pool rules of the old fuck's court. Obviously, you added that. If said individuals were seen behaving in such a manner, going forward, the police may be called and said individuals

will not be permitted to use the facilities and may also be subject to a hearing in front of the board whereby fines may be imposed. The pool facility is for the peaceful enjoyment of all residents, and we hope to keep it that way. Thank you. Signed the old ass board of directors. Jesus Christ, dude, what the f-

You didn't realize you fucking bought a house in a retirement community? Since first off, let me say I've had, I had nothing against the elderly. I love my grandparents. You don't have to stop establishing credibility. You bought a fucking house. It's like the movie cocoon,

but if you jump in the pool, you're still fucking old. I get it. Anyways, I called the once a leak. I enjoy quieting out in the couch with some scotch or an old fashioned and shit. I still use hotmail. Yes, we're a part of HOA and in rules about alcohol drinks at the pool.

You can only have two guests per household. Oh shit, we violated the covenant. But this email from the board is still absurd, right? No, it's not absurd. You just didn't do your homework. You didn't do your homework. That's what happened. You didn't do your homework.

Did I just fucking rip the spread here with that pen in the back pocket? Lena, my mother's fucking quilt here. What the fuck am I here? I got to go back to this here. By the way, everybody thinks every sound on my podcast is a fart now because I hold this thing to my chest. Any fucking sound that's made.

Do you fucking ripped ass last week? I mean, maybe I did. I don't think I don't feel that I am. Maybe I am. I don't know. But it's I mean, I'm in my house. You know, I have to fart. I let it go.

You can't fucking smell it. Deal with it. No, dude, this is all on you. This is just he said, but loud conversations. What drinking alcoholic beverages prior to visiting the pool area. Are you kidding me? The police may be called.

Get an F in life, dude. Dude, this is their life. This is the end of their life and they want quiet. Okay. Half of them probably fought in fucking wars. The last thing I need is you with your newfangled fucking Elvis music that is Jack Johnson to them. Look, this is the deal.

You guys fucked up. Okay. You guys fucked up. All right. And this is part of buying your first house. Okay. I bought my first house back in 2011. And you know what?

I was like, wow, this is a great old house. It has a lot of character. You know, you know what? My fucking old people at the pool was galvanized pipes in the walls, cloth wiring, a gas leak flashing when I turned on the lights to possibly ignite the gas underneath my fucking house, uh, wood rot, termites, non permitted fucking building shit.

I just, you fucking name it. Put a new roof on it. The guy fucked up. He didn't reattach the thing. The water came through. They blamed me. I just said, fuck it. I paid for it myself.

This is part of it, dude. I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I'm sure there's somebody else old that will buy your fucking house. Um, other than that, I would just, you are in a communal area. I would be quiet when you go down to the pool. I mean, I try to look at the bright side, at least nobody's going to be listening to loud fucking Benny Goodman music

all the way into the night because old people, you know, they fall asleep like nine times a day. So, and even if you don't like your neighbor, they're going to die soon. There's a lot of positive ways to look at this. You can also, you can always sell. So I would make the best of it. You can always Uber.

I would Uber. I would go out and go get fucking hammered and be loud in the young part of town and then come back, just make sure you get some sort of electric car to cruise you up real quietly to your fucking front door. I'm sorry you're going through that, but what you learned is you have to fucking check out your neighborhood before you, uh, you know, you got to read everything.

You know, so that's the deal. All right. I hope it works out for you. All right. Oh, guess who just texts me back? This is why Jimmy door is the shit because I just read shit and Jimmy gets to the bottom. But this is what Jimmy just sent me back.

Basically, yes, the judge left open the door for the lawyers to, to refile in a way that would be more successful. The important thing in this case is that the lawsuit forced the DNC lawyer to admit in court that they don't have to run a fair primary and that they can pick and shrooms whoever, whoever they want and can ignore the voters. Uh, they can ignore the voters will if they choose to do so. The wiki leaks emails revealed that the DNC was colluding

with the Clinton campaign and gave her an unfair advantage, which is why Wasserman Schultz resigned before the DNC convention last summer. The judge dismissed the case. It appears to me based on the fact the plaintiff did not have stand standing to sue and the federal court did not have jurisdiction in this case. I am interviewing the lawyer who filed this case today.

So hopefully lots will be cleared up in that interview. So there you go. Search Jimmy door. Um, I'll send out a link to that's a comedian. That's, that's an informed guy. You hear how that thing was written? You hear how eloquent that was? I actually sounded smart while reading that.

Um, check that out. Oh man. Oh my God. Oh my God. All those women who cried over fucking Hillary Clinton and she's just as fucking filthy as this guy. Can you believe this Trump? Can you fucking believe this Trump?

That's all you hear out in fucking Hollywood land where I live and it's just like, I want to, I hope it's true. So I'm going to be like, well, what do you think about that? And watch them completely dismiss it the same way to go back to Tom Brady. Well, be all right. So he lets the cunts hear what they air out of a ball. What about when you guys did this and that the other people

rooting for the wall? That was no fucking big deal. Cause our team did it. I fucking love it. I love it. Oh Jesus Christ. Do I love it? Okay.

Boss racist, racist, racist question mark. Hey, Billy booze bag. Ah, Billy, no fun. 11 days, motherfucker. Uh, shut up. I know you're not drinking. Oh, he got me. Look at that.

Um, anymore. It's all I could come up with. All right. Bill recently, our company at an event where we give a tour to possible clients who will partner with us in the future during this event. Our boss who was outgoing and funny was ironing white sheets and thought it'd be funny to poke fun at the KKK by placing

a white sheet over his head and saying black lives matter. Uh, he immediately recognized the situation and took it off his head and addressed the whole company the next day. He apologized and made our counselors available to the company for whoever was affected and offended. Jesus fucking Christ. You got to go through all of that. I just love these people that are just so fucking.

I don't know where the fuck they live that they feel like I can do this and they're not going to have a problem. But then everybody's like so fucking hurt. They need to be like counseled. Aren't you just trying to get out of your job for a couple of hours? Just walk up to the guy and say you're fucking asshole. And then if you want the guy fired, just say that someone's

going to sit there and hold your hand. Um, the only problem was that he left out the black lives matter part in the first meeting and simply said. Oh, wait a minute. So now what are you saying? Okay. Wait a second. The only problem was that he left out the black lives lives

matter part in the first meeting and simply said he placed the sheet over his head, which is where the outrage came from. You know, dude, that's one of the most important part information most important information in this fucking story and you left out some words here. The only problem was that he left out the black lives matter part in the first meeting and simply said he placed the sheet over his head, which is where we're W. E. R. E.

Where the outrage came from. Dude, what am I supposed to do with this in the council meeting with everyone? I couldn't help but notice only. White middle-aged women were trashing the guy. They were crying, etc. Not one minority in that room said they were affected. It pissed me off because it was almost insulting to minorities

watching this. What if there was actually a minority who was actually racially discriminated against and went to court and wasn't listened to? Dude, I don't know what you're talking about right now. I'm 90% sure these women were just looking for money. It's not like our boss tried to hide or make excuses. So the white women got offended.

What? This is like a fucking beat sheet for a script that isn't written yet. What? White middle-aged women were trashing the guy. They were crying, etc. That fucking sentence ended. Then he began a new paragraph with that and then starts talking

about the minority women there. I don't know what you're talking about here, sir. Okay, so okay, so you're asking me, okay, what are my opinions? You think these women are just looking for an opportunity to sue, sue, S-E-W. So for money or do you think they actually believe these ladies were offended? Thanks, Bill.

I don't know what you're talking about here, sir. I have no idea. I have no idea. Am I making fun of white women for acting like they were offended and crying? Because you think, I have no idea. I don't know what sir, proof-free. Okay, I'm not a good speller either, but you know, I do know

where the spell check is and I hit the button and it erases all my impurities. All right, my fiancee isn't into fucking other men. Okay, he says, I feel, or she said, I don't know what the fuck this is, what gender this is. He said, I feel like this is a slightly different yet amusing take on relationship issues and would love to hear your tackle.

You tackle this in a podcast. Basically, I really like watching my girl fuck other men. It's not a cuckold thing because I'll fuck her right after and it's always the best sex we ever had. Right after? You don't have a shower first, sir? Right after. Okay.

Hey, you know, I don't judge whatever you want to do. That's what you guys are in. My issue is that our sex is already great and I'm well above average in size and stamina. So it's hard for her to find another guy. She's actually interested in. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

You started all the way to the left. Now we're all the way to the right. Oh, wow. This guy, this fucking guy here. You know, I don't mind. I don't mind her fucking other guys. I can handle it because at the end of the day, my dick so big nobody can follow me.

Okay. Now I'm judging the guy. I don't know why I'm doing this is just all over the fucking map. I don't push the issue because I'm confident in my abilities evidently. So confident you got to fucking write an email about it and don't want her to have a bad time simply for my pleasure.

But I wanted to know your opinion on the subject. We have three Sims with other women. God bless you and I can't even get into them. So I can't judge her. I love her and our amazing sex has been a driving factor after almost four years. Yet there's something about fucking her after she's been with another man that is so hot to me.

I can't actually accurately explain it and she just doesn't seem into it because as she puts it, I do it better. Dude, this is one of the greatest email. I hope you even if you just made this up, I would really appreciate your opinion on this weird kind of relationship where the issue for me is that I can't get off because the girl as incredible as she is is too perfect. So the way to make her not perfect is to have you watch

her fuck another guy. So you got a giant dick and you enjoy it and you kind of like want to show like that. So you got a giant dick and you enjoy it and you kind of like want to show like that. That is the only way I can look at it. This is like you like to have like the best comedian in the fucking country.

All right, but there's still some level of insecurity you have that you have to go on on these these these shows where the comics aren't at your level and you have to go on last and you have to fucking kill harder and kill longer than anybody else to prove that you are the best comedian in the fucking country if not the world if not the fucking universe. Right? Is that what it is?

Is it the fact that you know that you're fucking nailing her better than these these other fucking guys? They come out with their average dicks and their little fucking dicks and she's bored shitless. Do you make the other people watch? You know what I mean? Like you're helping out their golf swing. You know, you keep lifting your head.

You got to fucking keep your head down as you follow through. Dude, I don't know. I don't have the problems you have, sir. All right. I am very followable. I have no idea. I do.

I have no idea. That is like I would send that into can you please go on Dr. Phil? Because I just want to watch him and see what goes on in his eyes when he listens to this story where he just goes like, oh, you need to have another man have sex with your woman with a penile device that is smaller than yours in order for you to get off.

That's what you're saying. You know, Dr. Phil's got some giant ex cop dick, right? You know, he's got some fucking huge Hogan. That's what you do. That's the end of the episode is you go in the back and you watch Dr. Phil fuck your wife. With the sweat pouring off his fucking head and you're just sitting there relaxed and confident, right?

You'll be funny. He probably he probably wouldn't get naked. He just dropped his pants down. He'd still have his fucking wingtips on. You know what he do to try to beat you and be in her ear and the fucking, you know, this dirty talk would be how much fucking money he's worth. Huh?

You want to go to Oprah's tonight? Do you want to go to Oprah's tonight? I can make it happen. That's. I'm sorry. I know this is a fucked up podcast, but I didn't. I didn't. I wasn't the one that took it into that area.

All right. Other people did. That was really weird. That was a really weird visual. The whole thing was weird. And who knew who the fuck knew who the fuck knew that this podcast would start as innocently as it did talking about Hitler getting his make a wish and would end so fucked up

with whatever the fuck it is. I was just describing. All right. That's the podcast. Everybody, um, please, uh, download the new Queens of the Stone Age album. Please buy some tickets to my, uh, show at the surf ballroom in, uh, was it clear Lake Iowa?

It's going to be a fucking amazing night. And, uh, what else? What else? What else? What else? I'll post those videos for you. That's it. And congratulations to everybody that rented the fight and

enjoyed it. I don't want to ruin your fucking time. And, uh, I think that's it. I'll check it on you on Thursday. Go fuck yourselves.