Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-31-15

Episode Date: August 31, 2015

Bill rambles about singing about your clam at 60, Donny T and classic cars.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, August 31st, 2015, August 31st. As far as I know, it's the last day of fucking summer. Maybe it isn't. Maybe some of you consider Labor Day. You know, maybe some of you are those traditionalists where you can't wear white after Labor Day. Well, tell it to that whore that was on that thing last night that fucking doesn't show videos anymore. I am, of course, talking about the MTV Music Awards, which I gotta be honest with you, I didn't even know that they were on. Had no idea. My wife knew and she put them on. And I remember one point they were in the background. They were showing the old MTV logo and it

was changing all colors and stuff. And I just, I always get sad when I see it, like, what happened? What happened? And where the fuck do they get off? And I know I'm the one millionth person to say this, but where the fuck do they get off? Why do they have a video music awards when they don't show any music videos? You know what I mean? Do I have, I don't know, do I host a fucking show about not being a cunt? That would be just as hypocritical, right? By the way, could that chick be trying any fucking harder? Good Lord, we get it. Those dumb ass outfits, you know, every fucking outfit looking like you're gonna go fuck Captain Kirk. Go back and look, look at some of the truly shocking shit that

people did way back. I thought, you know, fucking freak me out a long time ago was Marilyn Manson. The first time that guy came out, he's saying the beautiful people and he was, I don't know what the fuck he was wearing. It was something, I think it was that thing that women wore back in the day when they tried to make their waist really small. Is that a corset? He had that and like his fucking awful ass hanging out. And he had like these contact lenses that made him look like a husky. I was just like, what the fuck is that? You know, running around out there like jailbait with your fucking tongue hanging out and now you're legal. And I was in the other room, right? And, you know, my wife has some family

in town. So she and some of the ladies were in there watching it. And so the fucking Captain Kirk's one night stand there. What the fuck is in there? I want to keep saying Lady Gaga. I know it's not that it's not Taylor Swift. That's two out of three though. Miley Cyrus, Miley Cyrus. She's in there singing this fucking song over and over again about how she doesn't give a fuck. And I felt bad for her. You know what I mean? Because you know, with the music game, it's like you're popular for a while and then it just fucking starts to go down. And then maybe you get one more hit and then you're fucking finished. And then for the rest of your life, you got to sing those songs. Sing us a song, you're the piano man. Sing us a song tonight. Why

do you think Billy Joel drinks so much? He's got to sing the same fucking 20 songs for 40 years. I mean, the fact that that man is still standing is a testament to his inner strength. If I had to do the same fucking jokes for 20 years, 40 years, 40 years, you're going back to fucking, I didn't want to do jokes. I did fucking four years ago. There's no way these poor people and this poor woman, Miley Cyrus is going to have to sing about how she doesn't give a fuck when she's in her 50s and 60s. You know what I mean? And she's painted herself into a corner wearing those Star Trek outfits. No, she hasn't. If I was her manager, I'd say, listen, at some point, you got to put your tongue away and put some goddamn clothes on or, you know, I'm going to leave

right around when you're about 32, 33, because I'm not going to watch this fucking train wreck. Like what's her face? Madonna. I mean, Madonna is pushing 60 and she still has to go out there and fish nets, rubber and a clam, because that's what got her there. You know what I mean? I mean, she should be like, I mean, she's a mom. So somebody's mom, she has like grown up kids. She's still trying to hide behind that. Well, I was trying to break down the boundaries of what you picture when you picture a 58 year woman. Yeah, you're really not. It's just like growing up and having a little bit of class and admitting that, you know, those days are behind you and enjoying your kids, right? That's what I would think. You run around. Wait a minute. I mean, old rock star

still running around grabbing their dicks. I know God knows Billy Idle is I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong on this one. I have no idea, but you really got it. I would think if I was a musician, which I'm clearly not in the back of my head as much as I had to be present and who the fuck I was when I was writing songs, there would be something that's going like, Hey, you know, if this is a giant hit, I'm going to have to sing this in a casino when I'm 60. You know what I mean? She's going to be 60 years old going, Yeah, smoke weed. I don't give a fuck, right? Fucking jelly rolls hanging out of that fucking outfit. I don't know. The fuck do I know? Don't you get it? Maybe just give it a funny intro.

To be honest, this next song I wrote when I was 21, within the first half of line of lyrics, you're going to realize it. Forgive me as I roll my eyes when I sing this fucking thing. Oh my God, Jesus Christ. That's going to come back to haunt you. I worry about that, you know, about ever becoming a fucking parent, you know, is some of the bits that I've done coming back blowing back in my face, you know what I mean? I just say, Hey, you know, I was an idiot and kind of still lamp. But legally, you have to do what I say within reason. Sorry. Would you like some fro loops? I don't know how you do it. You know what it is? I don't give a shit about any of those things, those fucking video awards. You know what it really is? I just

wished that MTV still played music so I could stay up on it rather than just knowing who like the five pop stars are. You know what I mean? Like how many times are they going to keep going back to Taylor Swift and Kanye West? That's just like, is there anybody new? Kanye West, Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, fucking that chick there with the booty. The fuck is her name? She's always arguing with people on Twitter. I just had it. Nicki Minaj. Those same four people have been on every fuck that same award show for like 10 years at this point. I see that show like once every three fucking years, it's the same goddamn people. Even Justin Timberlake went home at some point like guys, they don't show videos anymore. It's fucking over. Right? I don't know. What the fuck do I know?

Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. I'm running my yap here and dude, this is the last day of August and which means obviously tomorrow is September 1st. In September, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this is the greatest fucking month of the year and starts the greatest four months of the year. It's football season. Baseball is hurling towards the fucking hurdling or hurling. Cruisin', pick a word I can use, cruisin' towards the playoffs. Hockey and hoop start up. Right? You got Thanksgiving, which is the shit. And then you got Christmas, which is awesome if you married the right person. Or you're not in jail. Right? I always heard the holidays are rough when you're

fucking locked down. If anybody's listening to this somehow in jail. I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry about that. I hope you're innocent. No, I don't hope you're innocent. I hope you did it. Jesus Christ. Are you going to be sitting there eating that fucking slop? Anyways, I wonder if they actually have a reprieve in prison during the holidays. You know what I mean? Well, like for like one day, everyone can just walk around the yard and act like it's like Central Park. The idealistic version of Central Park where you could just sort of skip around with birds like you're in a Walt Disney movie, you know, without the anti-Semitism of Walt. Walt. Oh, Walt. They're not all bad. How many times do you

think they said that to him as he was drawing Pluto? Anyways, so my big plans for this week, aside from this is the final fucking week of my diet to get down to the weight that I want to be at. Thursday afternoon, I'm going to Isacaba. And I say Thursday afternoon because the games come on early out here. And I'm going to watch the beginning of the Michigan Wolverines turning their football program around, making the Ohio State Michigan game an actual factor again for the first time in 15 years. Jim Harbaugh, I'm telling you, if you guys got us, if you didn't look at it already, just Google a picture, Jim Harbaugh, first pitch to Detroit Tigers. Just look at that. That guy is a fucking animal. He's a maniac. He's such a psycho. Grown men

at the professional level couldn't handle him anymore in San Francisco. And now he's going to Michigan where they don't make any money, at least legally, right? They got to do what the fuck he says. I'm telling you, within two years, this guy's going to turn this thing around. I think they're going to make major leaps. I'm hoping they are. And all of a sudden, that song will be able to be sung with pride again. Come on, Buckeye fans, sing it with me, huh? Hail to the victors, valiant, hail to the victors, valiant, hail, hail to Michigan, the something and something. You know, I think the number and reason why Ohio State hates Michigan is because they don't have as good a fight song. Nobody knows what the fight song is for Ohio State. They don't.

As much as Woody Hays jumped up and down and had a temper tantrum, nobody gave a fuck about that song. I don't know why. There's like three songs that everybody knows. They know that one and then they know, yeah, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Jesus loves us fucking best. And then the USC Trojans, which is the worst. I feel like I could have wrote that song. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Dude, they play that song. The reason number one reason why I fucking hate USC is when I was younger, I was a Notre Dame fan. And then somewhere around Lou Holtz. I've talked about this before. Sometime around Lou Holtz, when he was holier than now, and go, yeah, you're making your parents say your prayers, you know, all that dumb shit. And he was

just like trying to claim that they weren't doing steroids, yet they were just as big as teams that were doing steroids. It's just that classic religious God loves us best touchdown Jesus, horseshit. Once I got older, it started to annoy me. But when they got really bad, I don't want to see that happen. The same way I hate watching Michigan get really bad, I would hate to see that happen to Ohio State. And I'm one of those weird people because I lived in Massachusetts. I like Ohio State and Michigan, which makes no fucking sense. But I like both of them. And I want them to be both be great and kick the shit out of each other in November. Is that asking too much? I don't think it is. But getting back to USC, those motherfuckers play

that song, which isn't a bad song. It's just they pummel you with it. It's like a fucking Beyonce song by the end of the first quarter. It's like, I got it. This song has been released. What if I if I pay 99 cents and download it on the iTunes, can you stop playing it? At least for eight fucking seconds, those stupid cunts at USC. Okay, they play that song. They break the huddle when they play it. Like that was some accomplishment. Hey, they're all on the same page, and they're going to try to execute this play. It drives me up the fucking wall. Like whenever I watch a USC game, I just have my thumb on the mute button. And I swear to God, by the end of it, I have like, is it possible to have carpal tunnel in your thumb

or whatever, whatever that the fucking tendon is in my forearm. It's a little sore there, right? And then when I watched the late game, I got my forearm and Ben gay. And what the fuck I'm talking about. So anyways, this is so I had my way in yesterday, I'm actually doing this podcast Monday morning, I've been doing them Sunday nights recently. But so I had my way in yesterday, I had to get down to 165 after a loss last week. And the question was, was Oh, Billy fucking flabby tits going to be six fought. Wait, let me let's see. I don't know what the fuck my record is. I know I had two losses. All right, first week, I went down to 183, then down to 180. Then I had a loss. Then 177, 174,

171, then I had a loss. Then no, I won that one, then I lost the next week. All right, so this this week would be to see if I'd be five and three or six and two five and three, the season's starting to slip away. Is there trouble in freckle town? How'd he get down to a buck 65 and God damn it, I got on the scale and I was drumroll 165.0 made it. I made it. I'm not going to lie to you, I had to go fucking skip rope for a couple of rounds to drop some water weight to make weight. And my buddy goes, dude, that's cheating. I'm like, no, it isn't. It's not fucking cheating.

All right, your negative cunt. It's not fucking cheating. Fighters do that all the time to make weight. All I'm trying to do is make weight. And I've weighed myself throughout all of this right after I worked out. That is when I've weighed myself. So that is consistent. Now, I know that I weigh a couple more pounds over that maybe even three more pounds over that. All right, but this is working for me. So shut your fucking pie hole. So this is the deal when I get down to a buck 62 next week, which is the weight I want it to be. So I'll be 162 after my workout. All right, now what most people do at that point, they go, Hey, I made it. Now I'm going to have a cheeseburger and fries and become a fucking addict again. Sugar's all shows all shows

all right doing that shit. What I'm going to then do is try to I'm going to start weighing myself after lunch, seeing what that number is. And then I'll get down to 162 weighing myself after lunch every day. So there you go. I'm doing it in baby steps. Go fuck yourself. I'm an old man. So anyways, yeah, I'm psyched. I knew if I talked about this shit on the podcast, I would have done it because if I didn't, if I was just doing it on my own, and I didn't have you guys hypothetically in my fucking ear giving me shit that I'm a loser because I didn't make it, I probably would have stopped around a buck 72. Hey, I'm looking pretty good. I think I have a fucking cookie. Um, but this morning, today's like technically my day off. So on my day off, I still go do

something because I'm at that age. If I take a day off, I'm still fucked even if I eat. Well, I don't understand it. I have to do something. So every fourth day, my day off, right? I do chest and tries. I do the fucking pull ups and all that shit the next day. And then the next day, I do legs. And then on my day off, I have to do something. Go for a walk or whatever. But lately I've been riding a bike. And so I'm riding up through the fucking hills out here. And I'm fucking dying. Right? I'm standing up in first and like first, like the easiest gear. And I'm probably like gear six, you know, we got one, two and three as far as level difficulty. I'm on one and I think I'm on gear four and I'm standing up like every fucking,

you know, pedal that I'm doing, right? Every revolution. And then I'm hearing this guy coming right up behind me and I'm just going, ah, fuck this, you know, here comes one of these fucking guys just gonna fucking blow by me in this dude. I thought it was, but I thought it was gonna be somebody in the twenties, maybe early thirties, this fucking old man with his old legs, with the elasticity and his legs gone fucking blows by me blows by me still sitting in his seat on the bicycle. Didn't even say hello. He just went right by me. I'm not even joking. I know that sounds like a hacky fucking joke. I swear to God. And then within two turns, I didn't, I couldn't see him anymore. He was gone. And I was looking all the way up the hill and I just

see this fucking little guy all the way up the hill, you know, was riding through the canyons there. I'm looking all the way at the hill going, that's not him. And I'm trying to look like between that guy, whoever the fuck that guy is and me as we're going around the turn and it turned out it was him. He just fucking smoked. Absolutely smoked me, but whatever, what are you going to do? But you know, it's been motivating me to ride the bike every, every fourth day. It was Verzi, Verzi going, dude, getting a bike at your end. No, that's the biggest fucking waste of money. That's in my head. Every time I look at the bike, I'm like, I got to fucking put 100 miles on that bike by the end of this year.

You know, because Verzi is coming out this year, I believe he's going to go to the Rose Bowl with this. So at some point when I'm hammered, I'm going to have to say to him, Verzi, not for fucking nothing, not for nothing. I put 100 miles on that bicycle. Huh? Look at this. Look at that fucking stomach. All right. You know, what kills me is I'm basically at a weight where I used to have abs and I don't anymore. Cause once you get the fucking stomach, you're done. And I've been watching all these videos on how to get the fucking last, you know, right now I have the quintessential cunt belly. Like you could, you could, you could fucking put me. Oh, I'm going to warn you right now. This is going to be such a horrific visual, but I got to do it. You could put me in a pair of

ladies bikini bottoms, right? And just, just take a picture of my belly hanging over them and nothing else. And you would think it was a chick. I mean, like, oh, that's adorable. I wonder how old her toddler, her toddler is. I have a little bit of baby failure. I got a baby bump. It's almost worse than my beer belly. The beer belly was really masculine. You know what I mean? I was becoming a big fucking teddy bear. Like, ah, you know, you know, women love when that guy's a little fat. They love that shit. You know, no other women are going to be looking at him. They don't have to be intimidated that he's looking at her in a certain fucking way. Cause you know, he's over there crushing it on the elliptical. They like it. They like when you're fucking dope. It's like my wife,

she will not give me a fucking compliment. I swear to God, I swear to God, you know, they say you go out and, and like, you know, you end up marrying somebody just like your mom. My mom was like that. My mom, I swear to God, never, never gave out compliments ever, you know? And I was thinking, ah, yeah, you know, she's so fucking positive. She says, this is force. Her personality is incredible. But when, you know, whenever I'm fucking doing something like, you know, I learned something on the drums, I go up and crush it as a comic or whatever. Like, never, not a fucking peep, not a peep. She says it to her friends. I hear her compliments to me through her fucking friends. That's how I hear it. So the whole time, right?

I'm sitting there, you know, as I'm dropping the weight, you know, I'm going, huh, check it out. I'm looking good, right? Am I looking good? She'd be like, yeah, you're looking good. I'm like, come on, man, we dropped like fucking six pounds. She's like, Bill, I said you look good. Jesus Christ. Like that's the best I would get out of her. And I'm such an insecure asshole. I keep coming back, you know, like looking for this, like this parental approval from her. I got to, I got to get past that. That's what I've learned throughout all of this. I know I look good. I don't need her. Anyways, what the fuck am I talking about here? 21 minutes in Jesus Christ. It's time for a little bit of advertising here. So that's the deal, dude.

So I'm, I'm, I'm not going to do it. I'd like to make weight this week because I fucked up so bad the previous week. I got on the scale and I was 165.8 and then I went in the garage and I finished my workout and then just to make doubly sure I skipped rope for six rounds, just pour and sweat. And then I came back in and I got on the scale and I was like 163 point something, which I know is bullshit. I'm probably about honestly after lunch, walking around, I'm probably like 167, 168, but I made weight. So go fuck yourself. That's a victory. All right. You can't get me. I want it on a technicality. This isn't some Bella check cheating. It was more Jim Ursay in that I'm not going to get in trouble for it. Um, but I can't believe it. Can't fucking

wait. I love September. I love the end. I'm one of those people. I love the end of the year and the beginning of the year. It's these middle fucking months here that drive me fucking nuts with the summer heat. I love the beginning of the year where it's like, Oh man, fucking a whole year, clean slate. What are we going to try to fucking fix? What are we going to try to get better at all that type of shit? What do I want to do? Right? And then I love the end of the end of the year, you know, because it's just like, man, I'm so happy to have these people in my life, man, you know, it's football. It's fucking great. It's, it's really, I think it's just August. I fucking hate August. I don't hate it. Hate it. I just, it's just too fucking hot living out here in the desert,

living out here in the desert. Um, all right, let's get to the fucking, uh, let's get to the things here. Oh, by the way, by the way, I'm supposed to read this here. Oh, wait, please. I got to thank everybody who bought court McCown's comedy album. Uh, people who didn't get it can get it at www.allthingscomedy.com, uh, the podcast network for the people. Um, oh, and by the way, next week we have some old friends are returning some old friends are going to be returning to the, the advertising portion of the program. Uh, you might, uh, how can I tease it? They are a game of skill. Wink, wink. Um, and we're happy to have them back. They're good sports about it. All right. So, uh, I will, I will respect their copy as much as I can. All right. Dollar Shave Club,

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they have to be marked up like 15,000 percent or 20,000, whatever the fucking percentage is. And this guy was just like, I'll just mark them up a thousand percent. It's like, what's his face? And it's like that guy that figured out how to pick the mark, pick the parking meters. And he said, I can go rob a fucking bank. They got cameras. I'll just fucking take the change. Well, and eventually it'll add up to my fortune. Granted, the guy got caught. It's like Richard Pryor in that Superman movie where there was that half a cent left over and everybody's fucking paycheck, right? And then he just took the half a cent times a zillion fucking people. And then all of a sudden he had half a zillion pennies. Bill, we get it. All right, LegalZoom,

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You know what? It's funny. I used to sit there. I used to get tired when I used to love watching women's tennis, aside from the fact that they were hot, you know, running around with their fucking little skirts on there. It was only the best two out of three. So I could sit there and watch the whole fucking thing. The men's set when it would go five fucking sets, I'd be like, Jesus Christ, you know, three, four hours. And now that I've actually read Agassi's book, because I'm such a self-involved douchebag, I never sat there and wondered like, wait a minute, like a football game takes three hours. Baseball game takes three hours, but you don't get the ball every fucking play. These guys are like running backs, running the ball for three to four hours. I don't think I

ever fully appreciated the physical condition that you have to be into to play that game. So I'm really excited to, to watch it this year, you know, even like the earlier rounds or whatever, now that I, I can't recommend that book enough. And I feel like I've recommended it so much. I'm starting to annoy you guys. So I'm going to get off the subject. I watched a little baseball this week. I actually watched a Yankees Braves game. I keep missing the games where they're scoring like 20 runs, and then they have like the fucking outfield or come into pitch. But I got to tell you, man, I am envious of what the Yankees have done, man. Like they, they kept that two number one prospects, that kid bird, and then that pitcher, I got, got to watch that kid 21 years

old, man, fucking crushing it on the mound. And then some guy in the, in the broadcast booth goes, you know, you know, this is not what they used to do. They used to always try to buy it and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's just like, no, they've done this before. When George Steinbrenner got suspended because he got suspended, they ended up not trading away. Pasada, I don't think they ever would have traded away Jeter, but Jeter, Bernie Williams, Andy Pettit, Jorge Pasada, and Mariano Rivera. If George Steinbrenner did not get suspended, there's no fucking way he wouldn't have traded away at least three of those. And one of them would have, I bet he would have traded away Mariano Rivera, because at first they had him pitching like, you know, seventh and eighth

innings or whatever. He wasn't a fucking starter. He would have tossed him. He definitely would have got rid of Andy Pettit Christ. He did it anyways. Bernie Williams, he would have probably got an impatient with a Jorge Pasada. He would have just tossed in there. He would have made some dumb move like that. So I don't know. I just feel like the way Tampa is doing it and the way Kansas City is doing it, I think was always the way to do it. It's still the way to do it. I just think what the Yankees did and then the Red Sox, you know, doing it too, and a couple other teams, I mean, you're just not successful when you do it for the most part. And then you've blown $180, $200 million. Look at us. How much fucking money did we spend? We had 12 and a half games out of

first just wallowing around in the fucking cellar. So I mean, I don't hate the Yankees the way I used to. It's over. We won three World Series. I mean, it's the fucking movie ended when we came back in 04 and won the World Series. It was over. You know what I mean? I'll always not like them, but they don't have that that fucking thing that they can hold over us anymore. But despite that, I'll always, you know, not like the Yankees, but I'll always respect the team when they when they do something the right way. So I'm kind of psyched that they're in it in Kansas City is fucking crushing it. Because when some of my faith, the most favorite baseball I ever watched was those late 70s, early 80s.

Um, back before they had the wildcard, and it was for the American League pennant, the LCS, those Yankees, Kansas City ones in Kansas City can never beat the fucking Yankees. And then they finally did in 1980. And I was so goddamn psyched because we could never beat them. And then of course they lost to the Phillies in the World Series. But one horrific call five years later, they beat the candles. Anyways, plowing ahead here. I saw a really annoying ad on the side of a bus today as I was ending my bike ride. It was this thing on the side of a bus about wearing condoms. And it was two guys and then a woman in the middle. And she was both telling them to have some willpower and use a condom. And once again, with all the bitching out there about all

the sexist fucking shit out there, I guess maybe that sexist because like what, you were going to have a threesome with these two guys. So maybe I guess women could bitch on that level. But as a guy, I'm sitting there looking at it thinking about all the women that I got with like how many times right the moment of truth and you go to reach for the condom. Have you been with a woman have you been with a woman who would go, Oh, God, I hate condoms. We just sort of whisper that and literally you'd feel like that fucking in your fucking stomach and your heart at the same time like, Yeah, I think I'm putting on two. Think I'm putting on two over there. Unless of course you were drunk, you'd be like, Yeah, I hate them too. I have no idea where it just cut out. I moved my

fucking God damn it. I moved my computer. Fortunately, I only talked for a couple of seconds there. I was talking about that condom, man. I don't know where the fuck I left you out here. I was just thinking how funny would it be if they actually how long would that ad last if they put a woman there and on in that ad and the guy's reaching for the condom. And the woman said, Oh, God, I hate condoms. You could never have it. They would be flipping the fuck out. Oh, by the way, you know, I watched I watched a little bit of the Christ through the hell was playing. The Raiders. What a fucking uniform, by the way, I'm gonna I'm say right now, that's the best uniform in sports. Best you know, silver and black. Come on, man, you can't fuck with that.

I swear to God, now that Al Davis is gone, if any douche comes along and fucks with that emblem or those colors, you know, I felt bad for Raider fans as they were they were holding those signs up once again, stay in Oakland. You know what I mean? Why do they put those fans through that shit? You know what I mean? Fucking babies, man. You started in Oakland. They love you. Why don't you pony up and fucking give a little bit of money towards your own fucking stadium your asshole instead of holding your fan base hostage like that. So ridiculous what the fuck they put those fans through, you know, anyways, every 20 years, yeah, we're gonna leave go fuck yourself. So anyway, so I'm watching and they're playing the Cardinals and they were showing the

first female coach, then the first female referee. And then, you know, I'm watching Fox and they had ladies night where they had the women all, you know, anchors and all that type of stuff. And now that women are, you know, they're down on the fucking field, bugging the coaches as they're running into the locker room, I'm going to say just as a male football fan. Now that you guys have completely infiltrated the fucking league, you're basically at all levels. I know you're still going to put we're not an owner or whatever, you're going to keep complaining all the way up to the top. Can you do me a favor? Just do me this favor. Can you not ruin it? Can you do that? Can you not ruin it the way you fucking ruin? You've ruined every guy's only thing

whether it was sexist or not. You know what I mean? I don't give a fuck that you're in the league. I don't give a fuck that you're coaching that you're reffing. I don't give a fuck if you own a fucking team. I don't give a fuck. Just don't ruin it. Okay. Fucking learn how to roll with the joke. Learn how to just be one of the get learn how to be fucking cool. Just fucking do that. Just that's all I ask. Don't fucking ruin it. Okay. Every 10 fucking seconds complaining. You know what I mean? About how your feelings got hurt. All right. Just fucking learn how to laugh at yourself and be one of the guys. And I mean that figuratively. I don't mean that like in any sexist fucking way. Just don't fucking ruin it. Jesus. What are the fucking odds? What are the odds that they're

not going to ruin it? You know what I mean? And turn it into I swear to God, my biggest fear is within 10 years the combination of all the women that they're now going to add into the league, which they're not doing because they like women. They're doing it because of the Ray Rice thing. They got to turn it around. That's how bad Roger Goodell fucked up so bad with that Ray Rice thing. Only suspending that guy for four fucking games out of the gate when he knocked his fiance out and dragged her down the hall like a fucking caveman. They fucked he fucked that thing up so goddamn bad. Do you realize that within one football season, he fucking suspends Tom Brady for four games for absolutely nothing. And there's the first female head coach. I mean,

coach. Oh, he fucked that thing up so bad that he this is the way he had to overcompensate so he could keep his $40 million a year job. So anyways, yeah, just don't be like just please for the love of God. You know that broad that makes everything about herself. Don't don't be that fucking person. All right, just please don't fucking do that. My biggest fear is that within 10 fucking years, with all this, this, you know, talk about concussions and all that, and all the women that they're going to now, you know, the floodgates are open, they're going to add into the league. My biggest fear is that like within 10 years, they're going to be playing two hand touch or flag football. And it's just, it's just going to be over. It's just going to be over.

You know what I mean? I just, I don't know. Just don't ruin it. Can you not do that? I mean, like even like out here, like in some fucking like, I remember a long time ago, like in the writers room of this one show, right, they were on like the fucking eighth season. And they're sitting around trying to come up with storylines for characters that they've written for for well over 100 episodes. At that point, you're out of ideas. That's usually when you have a character get married, they have a baby, the cousin comes to town like Oliver. They had, they had, I mean, the Brady punch, they did so many episodes, they had like nine characters on that show, three boys, three girls, mom and dad and Alice. And then Alice had to get a boyfriend. And it

just kept going and going and going. They became a music group. They went to Hawaii. They went to the Grand Canyon. And when they were finally out of fucking ideas, this fucking kid, Oliver, the seventh kid, the 10th character shows up. Who the fuck was he? They did one whole episode that was about an entirely different family that adopted a white kid, a black kid and an Asian kid. Like they were just out of fucking ideas. So anyways, to show that I'm not going to name, they're in the writer's room, they eight, nine seasons in, and they're like, they're at that point where they got to go to Hawaii or they got to go to the Grand Canyon or add Oliver. So they're sitting around trying to come up with new storylines. So one of the writers is a joke suggests that one

of the characters rapes the other character and blah, blah, blah, which is totally over the top and fucking absurd. And there was a woman in the writer's room and she fucking sued. You know what I mean? Is he is he really? Jesus, you're really going to sit there and take that literally in a comedy writing room. That's what I mean. That's what I'm talking about. That's my big fear is that's going to happen. It's like, no, any sort of ball breaking will have to be done with it. Like I'm just picturing guys in the locker room having to look over their shoulder before they make some stupid fucking joke. You know, just imagine Ken Stabler whispering a joke in a locker room. Can you even picture that? That's what I'm worried about. It's going to ruin it.

It's going to definitely have an impact in a good way, but also a negative way. I just don't understand like I'm truly asking this. I'm not saying this as like maybe you guys think I'm a fucking pig here. I'm just asking is, is there anything guys can just have that can just be guys only that won't be considered like some sort of Illuminati sexist fucking thing that's holding women down? Can they can is there a place where guys can just hang out and not have to look over their shoulder and worry about offending somebody? You know what I mean? Where is our brunch? That's what's going to end up happening. Guys are going to have to start going to brunch. You know, and then what's going to happen is if they have a guys only brunch,

it's going to annoy women on some level and eventually they're going to have to go there just because we say that they can't. It's fucking unreal. They have all women gyms. I don't give a fuck. I'll try to show up there my speed. I was going, oh, I should be able to use an elliptical in here too. You know, I mean, I don't know. And I'm also saying this too as a worker B. I don't run any company, by the way, before you get old. Fuck God, Jesus Christ. What are you going to do? Anyway, so let's plow ahead. Ladies just don't fucking ruin it. Okay. Please don't do that. Like you're ruining titty bars. I used to have a bit about that. You know, women just started going to titty bars and then they would look over at you and be like,

this isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. And I was like, yeah, because you're here. Leave and it'll get a, it'll get fucking crazy again. Everybody's on their best behavior because mom's here. All right, let's, uh, let's plow ahead here. Uh, Donald Trump. All right, Bill, people are getting seriously worried about Trump. I see very liberal friends of mine making posts, yearning people to not mention his name because it'll just perpetuate what they believe would be the downfall of the country. I get that he's a bit out there, but even if he did get elected, how bad could it be? I'm sure some of your listeners are like my paranoid friends. Uh, should they be worried? Um, should they be worried that an absolute dope

would be in the White House? How did you like George W. Bush? How did you like that guy? Did you enjoy when he was in the office? When you had a guy who couldn't complete a fucking, it couldn't get through a sentence without stuttering. I mean, he sounded like me. That was a bit, I used to do. I used to say, I like George W. Bush. You know why? He makes me feel like I could be president too. That's literally what I felt like. I was like, I went to summer school with this guy. Like the president shouldn't give a guy like me hope. You know what I mean? That's all that I'm saying. And I got to be honest with you, the simplistic way that this guy talks about major things like just bombing people in the Middle East and the way he talks

about Mexicans and stuff like that. Um, there's something about him that he's very cartoonish. So I think it's very easy to think that, uh, that he isn't like a bad thing. But that thing there where he told that guy from the, uh, the Latino guy, he's a citizen of the country. And when when they're escorting him out, that fucking white guy goes, get out of my country. What kind of an adult says that? Get out of my country. Like it's his sandbox. I mean, it's not necessarily Trump. It's the kind of people that gravitate towards that guy. And as much as I've loved his honesty, let's forget about all the racist shit. The guy has said, um, I just, I be, even if he wasn't racist, like he doesn't have the intellect for that job.

You know what I mean? I mean, talking about the guy fucking, he hosts a reality show. As much as he runs around talking about this empire he has, I don't buy it. It's like, if he truly had all the money he had and truly had all the success he had, would he really have time to decide if, if fucking Sheena Easton or, or, uh, Lindsay Davenport is going to make us better CEO for this company that doesn't even fucking exist? You know what I mean? The one thing I will say is I've loved his honesty and that he sticks to what the fuck he's going to say. And I hope it encourages more politicians to be honest. But at the end of the day, you have to have somebody in there that has the pedigree. I mean,

come on, dude, like, look at it. Donald Trump, dude. Okay. Just imagine him is, he's, he's somebody in the NFL draft as a quarterback. All right. Can this guy make all the throws? How's his footwork? Is he patting the ball? If his number one receiver is covered, is he really going to have the calmness in his head when he's standing in the pocket and it's closing in to check down to receivers two, three and four. I don't think he is. I don't think he's presidential material. But the fact that the, the kinds of people that he's stirring up like racists, people who say get out of my country, he's kind of making Pat Buchanan look like, like John Denver. So I don't think you're, you're, you're, I think you're underreacting as much as

your friends are overreacting. I don't think any one person has the ability to be the downfall of the country. Obviously he doesn't have that level of power. And I actually think if he did get elected, that both Republicans and Democrats would resent him. And I don't think that they would work with him the same way if somebody from one of, you know, the third party's got elected, they just wouldn't work with them because it would be great for their own argument that if you elect a guy from this party, or if you elect a guy like this, see, he can't get anything done. And they would act like a bunch of babies, Republicans and Democrats, because it's really not about doing what's right for American people. It's about winning. That's all they give a fuck about. It's the same way why

I won't watch anything like a debate on CNN or Fox or, or any of those shows, even like Bill Marshall real time, which is kind of outside of that shit. So much of watching that when you listen to people argue, they're not listening to the other person, they're thinking about their next point, and they just want to win. And I don't know, I find all of that shit like gives me a headache. You know, it's kind of like, I don't know, like my fucking wife watches those goddamn reality shows all the time, you know, come home, and it's just like 10 women screaming at each other, right? And then it's bad enough she watches that show, then she watches the show with that dude there. Whatever his fucking name is, and then it's like to do the recap of the series. And then that fucking

guy, he just brings up all the bad shit that they said about each other and stirs them up all over again. And it's like, why the fuck would I want to sit here and want listen to 10 women screaming at each other? For the life of me, I'll never understand why my wife watches that shit, you know, of all the shit out there that, you know, you know, making women look bad, like those fucking shows where they're just walking around with their dumb with their fucking horseshoes, like they're going down to the club, and they're still 21, trying to get a boyfriend, and they're in their 50s, it's like, when are you going to grow up? Get yourself some flats, give your toes a break for the last 30 years of your life, you know, all right, passion for cars. Dear Bill, my dad has

an older Porsche 911. He's currently restoring, he's currently restoring and hopes to pass it on to me someday. Wow, man, your dad's fucking cool. He goes, I don't exactly share the same passion and knowledge of, that's the worst. Are you rebelling against your dad? He goes, I don't exactly share the same passion for our knowledge for cars, especially when it comes to Porsches. He takes a lot of pride in the work he puts into it. I'm the same way with my hobbies. Can you make his passion for classic cars relatable to a guy who is perfectly content driving an 04 Hyundai Elantra? Can you describe what it's like to go through your, what goes through your mind when you look at a classic car, the feelings and the emotions? Jesus Christ, dude, can you give me

more of a difficult task? You obviously don't have a passion for it. What goes through my mind? It's not even what goes, it's a feeling when you're looking at a piece of art. Like I think cars right through like, right through this, I was talking to Rogan about that. Rogan was fucking hilarious. The other night, I saw him at the comedy store and Joe Rogan said that American cars, they made the best looking cars right up through the 1960s and then turned on a dime. And from like the mid seventies on, made the ugliest fucking cars ever for like, I don't know, 10 or 15 years, barring a couple, two or three. So what I consider classic cars are early seventies all the way back. And then there's a few cars from like the eighties that remind me like, oh,

my buddy had one of those and we got shitfaced and stuff like that. I can tell you this, now that I got my truck, 68 F 100 all fixed up, rebuilt engine, new exhaust system, all the lights on at work, except for the interior light when I opened the door, the radio light works, the brakes work, fuck it starts right up. When I'm driving down the street and I'm running through the gears, shifting on the column, I got my arm hanging out the window, this, this, I can't, this, it's not a describable feeling. You either love that or you don't. And I was sitting the other night at a red light listening to my truck idling and I am hard pressed to think of a better sound than that I've ever heard when you're just sitting at a length going

and you're running through the fucking gear. It's just the greatest. Do you either have that in your blood or you don't. And the fact that your dad is into Porsches, I always felt that the people who are into the European stuff, specifically the performance cars, like the guys that I've run into that are into them are usually, you know, I'm not trying to shit on Americans here, but they're highly intelligent and, um, you know, just like the car refined. And there's like, I would do it. I would read up on those cars. I read up on formula one racing. You know, I read this great book called the limit. I just don't think you're going to be into it, but it kind of talks about, uh, formula one racing at its peak when you somebody like died

every other race. And it talks about the Italians, the Germans and the English, uh, racing teams of that time. I don't know. Watch some old movies. Was it Steve McQueen or was it Paul Newman that did the Le Mans movie? I want to say it was Steve McQueen. I know you're either into it or you're not like this. There's cars out there that I just look at like, why, why did they stop making this design? Like, I swear to God, the, the two door sedan, like, like those GTOs, the, uh, Ford galaxies, the Pontiacs, the Buick's, the two door fucking sedans that they had those long with the long trunks. They were the meanest looking fucking sedans. They were just the baddest looking fucking cars. I just look at him like, what the fuck, why the fuck would you stop making

that? I mean, I learned on the Seinfeld shows because about safety that they all the cars today, like the car that you drive, if I looked at that real quick, I can't tell the difference between that and a fucking Lexus or they all look like dinner rolls to me. Um, before you give up on it, I would say actually go rent a classic car. Um, do you understand how the whole thing works, how the engine works and all that? Once you learn how that works, the brilliance of it. And then if you just read up on racing and all the stuff that they do just to try to get another hundredth of a second, maybe that'll light the fire, but I don't think I can help you. If you, if you don't have a problem driving an 04 Hyundai Elantra, I don't think there's any, you know,

and you know what, to be honest with you, there's nothing wrong with it. If you're not into it, I'm not going to sit there and force my passion onto you. But, uh, I will say, you know, if you, if your dad ever wants to hang out, let me know because I'd love to see that car. All right, sunglasses. Dear Bill, my wife told me I look stupid and aviators because I'm 34 years old and not in high school. God, they're just the fucking worst. Can you imagine if you ever said that to her? Hey, you look bad in spaghetti straps. You're not fucking 21 anymore. I mean, how long before she'd even remotely consider fucking you again? Anyways, he goes, I'm not going to send you a picture, but I really don't look bad in them. They don't look too flashy.

And I never once heard anyone say anything I've been wearing when I've been wearing them. So long that it blew my mind that it was something that bothered her. What the fuck kind of sentence is that they don't look too flashy and I never once heard anyone say anything. Period. Oh, you're not using capitals. This helps me. I've been wearing them so long that it blew my mind that it was something that bothered her. I think she doesn't like that they are youthful and she sees me in pictures in college wearing them and assumes that I put them on. I'm going to start boozing during the day and banging soft sixes at those days of behind me. She's being insecure, right? Yeah, she's being an asshole. She's being an asshole. Dude, 88 is a great.

There's nothing wrong with them. They're cool sunglasses and you look cool in them. It'd be one thing if you were wearing like Z cavericis or, I don't know, something else that's out of style that I can't really think of at this moment. But no, she's being an asshole. She's actually, she, yes, she's being insecure. Look, dude, if you were out of shape and you were still wearing a tank top and you had grandmother arms, she's looking out for you. You know what I mean? But I'd have to see them. Are they old? But it's not like 88ers ever fell off really. They're classic sunglasses. I think you should still wear them. And I think there is a thing that when you're in a relationship, if you're not careful, there's a part of you that can say something that comes from

a place that isn't, isn't positive. It could come from a place of like insecurity or resentment. I would guess you probably look cool in them. You're driving down the street. Maybe that bothers you. I have no idea. But I mean, that's pretty pedestrian. A pair of aviators. I mean, that's like a pair of blue jeans. I mean, that's those things are timeless. I don't know what her problem is. What does she want you to wear those fucking old people wrap around glasses? So she can feel okay that you're not going down to the fucking fruit store and banging the chick behind the counter. I don't know. Yeah, fuck her. I'd still wear the glasses. I just say, listen, I like them. I like them. And you know, I don't make funny your sports bras. What is that supposed

to mean? All right, computer. Hey, Bill, I don't own a computer anymore. Some people downgrade their phones. Ari Shafir did so and he said he's loving not having all the distractions of a phone in his pocket. I went the other way. I'm here to tell you that it is an absolute pain in the ass. I know you've never suggested not owning a computer at all. But boy, oh boy, do I wish I had a shitty computer as opposed to no computer. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have gotten rid of my phone when I read on my laptop. What when I read on my laptop, it's usually informative stuff. My question is, do you think you could go without a computer or a smartphone assuming you would record in a podcast studio? And Nia could handle anything

you really needed. I could definitely downgrade my phone. I could definitely do that. And I'm definitely an addict when it comes to that type of stuff. You know, looking at my phone. I wish I never went from a flip phone to a smartphone. I wish I never did that. I will tell you now that I'm doing a show, you know, right in this show and there's new drafts and that type of stuff that's constantly being emailed to me and everything. And or somebody just emailed some notes, people communicate through email. So if I couldn't get emails on my phone, I'd have to kind of be walking around. So I think at this point, I'm kind of married to it in a way. I mean, I guess I could I could I could do the phone thing. But

a computer, I couldn't do that. No. I love going on the internet and every any thought I had, I can look up information on it. I love having that. I just don't like the I don't like having to download new operating systems that fill up my computer and make my computer that totally worked fine all of a sudden obsolete. And I know part of that is progress. But I think that a lot of it is pushing the herd towards having to get rid of these things that you know, who's kidding who or anything that you throw out unless it's biodegradable, which a computer certainly isn't. It really hurts the environment. And I think, you know, I don't like being a part of that. But I am I'm in the herd, man, when the herd

stampede, I kind of got to run with it. I guess I could do I could not do the phone thing. I could definitely do that. I've done shit before. You know, in the late 90s, a couple of times, I got rid of cable and that type of thing. And it was pretty cool. And I had an amazing amount of free time. But I got to tell you, dude, I fucking miss sports like you wouldn't believe. But I don't know, as I've gotten older, I watch a lot less TV, but maybe that's because I got replaced by being on the computer a lot more. I don't fucking know. Anyways, pool or vacation home? Bill, simple question. My wife and I are debating the pros and cons of having a pool installed, versus buying a home up in Maine. They're actually not far in cost by the time you dig through all

the rock in my New Hampshire backyard. What are your thoughts here? I know you don't have a pool, so maybe you could tell me what you would do. I'd buy the house. I'd buy the house because that's going to increase in value, I would think more so than the pool. And you live in New Hampshire and even with global warming, how much how many months out of the year can you use the pool? You can't rent out your pool and earn money off of it. You can't, you know, in a pinch, just sell off your pool to save your house up in Maine. You could I would say buy the house in Maine and then with the money that you're earning by renting that out up in Maine, I would fucking use that money towards home improvements in your place in New

Hampshire, like having a pool. There you go. Oh, there you go. There's your financial tips from a standup comedian. Why would you listen to me when it comes to that shit? All right, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. Oh man, well, I gotta say the name of this fucking drummer that this this person sent to me. Jesus Christ. I gotta tell you something, dude. I've been taking these lessons, right? And I am seeing like such a fucking improvement in my playing. And I was really feeling great about it. And then all of a sudden, you know, I mean, obviously, I know I'm not a professional drummer, but you know, your hobby, you want to get better at it. It's fucking makes you feel good, right? And then somebody sent me this fucking video. I got to make sure

Lee Pearson, this drummer, dude, and this guy, this fucking solo, this guy does, you would have thought a guy was playing and he was getting the, he was going in the crowd, going nuts like they were listening to a guitar solo. And I'm sorry, guitar soloist, you know the fucking deal on those big shows. If you just fucking take a guitar, right? And you just go bang, and look at the crowd, they all go, they just do that fucking shit. Drums, everybody goes to the fucking bathroom during the drum solo or a lot of people do, right? This fucking guy had him going nuts. Like he was, like he was up there playing eruption on guitar, man. So I'm going to, I'm going to actually put this video up. I'm going to have that video

that somebody sent me on Twitter, which I really appreciate. My homestay name is last name, right? Lee Pearson, Jesus Christ, what a fucking beast on drums. And then also, you know, I've talked before, you guys know I love Italians, right? You got to know that at this point. And I love their food. And so I am a closet Italian when it comes to, you know, a lot of shit. And so I'm, you know, when I get through this whole diet thing, I've always wanted to try making like a Sunday gravy, which is basically, you just pick three, four meats that you want to brown up in a pan, you make some fucking meatball and then your meatballs, then you throw it all in a fucking tomato sauce and you slow cook it. And then you make some pasta,

and then you just fucking, it's just, dude, they throw like fucking spare ribs in there, meatballs, sweet Italian sausage, and then crazy as shit like Anthony Bourdain had like fucking ox tail and like them more traditional lower grade meats in there that you have to cook a long time really slow to get the flavor and get them to like be tender. I can't wait to fucking do that. So, but there's this guy, I sent the video to Verzi. It's fucking hilarious. Well, first of all, I'll let you know the YouTube, it opens with one of the worst songs I've ever heard in my fucking life. But when you watch this fucking guy, this Italian guy going to the grocery store, you have to see the look on his face when he's getting his ingredients. The look on his face,

like Germans have had less serious looks on their faces trying to win world wars. And this guy's just picking out fucking garlic in like he's fucking like the look of intensity. I was crying, laughing. And this is what my appreciation of Italians is being German, mostly German and Irish, Scottish. I got English, Dutch, French and all that, but I'm mostly, you know, German, Irish. And the complete lack of giving a fuck when it comes to the food compared like watching like Italians, how much they give a shit. I literally, I'm crying, laughing because it just, I don't just, it's so comical compared to what I'm used to where if everything was fucking boiled, salt and pepper, and you just turned it on high and cooked the shit out of it. Now, I know that

there was some good Irish cuisine and German cuisine before I got all your fucking bitch moaning and complaining, but don't even try to remotely act that there's any dish in Scotland, Ireland, England, the Netherlands, Germany. I can't say France because they have some good food. But all those other countries, there's not one, all of your best dishes combined can't fuck with just a fucking bowl of pasta and some sauce in Italy. You know it's true. I know it's true. So I'm watching this guy making this fucking thing and it's in his fucking, it's a bunch of older guys. And I love old guys with their corny fucking jokes. Like one of them, he was making some marriage joke. He goes, Hey, he goes, you know, when you get married, there's the three rings. There's the

engagement wing and the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. And then I'll fucking laugh. I love old guy corny fucking jokes. And he's having his buddies over. And he makes this unbelievable fucking meal and they all sit down eating it. And then they all talk about like this reminds me of my mother's cooking. This is as good as my mother's and like that's like the highest level compliment. The whole fucking thing is just awesome. And you got to watch this video. And it doesn't even look that difficult as far as like the ingredients aren't that difficult. It's course all about the way that you season it. And the guy's catchphrases as he's doing, he just keeps looking at the camera. He goes, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that's all

the flavor. And then he looks at the camera. He's like, how are you doing? You know, and he does it like 50 times. It's funny the first seven times. And then it starts getting old. And then he just keeps doing it so many fucking times that it literally becomes funny again. I don't know. It just made me want to, I got to go, I got to go, I got to go to Italy, at least go to little Italy something. Anyways, so anyways, that's a podcast for this week. Can I say anyways, any more times? That's a podcast for this week. Thank you guys for listening. Hey, don't sleep on that Michigan Utah game on Thursday. You know, Utah is going to come out and try to break fucking Michigan's heart and be like, no, it's going to be more of the same. And there's a lot of people

that come from pro football cities that don't watch college football. You got to get into it, man. Just pick an SEC team. I always watch the LSU Tigers. And I'm going to watch, I'm going to try to watch some Auburn games this year too. I'm so fucking psyched. So fucking psyched. And in the middle of all that is football is going on. The pennant races are getting tighter. And you got two weeks of the US open the last major of the year. Okay, if you're bitching this time of year, I don't know, I can't fucking help you. I can't help you. Go hang out with that dude who can't appreciate the classic cars. Why did I take a dig at you? I'm sure you're into something else that I'm not into. You probably like those

those X-Men movies. I'm such a cunt. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.