Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-5-13

Episode Date: August 6, 2013

Bill rambles about A-Rod, Fantasy Football and Road Head.

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This is going to be another subdued William Burr here on the Monday Morning Podcast. As you can tell, I wasn't able to find a fucking cord for my mixer, so the lovely Nia is going to send me mine. So next, this will be the last week of this kind of stuff. So I've had difficulty trying to find basically everything here in New Orleans. Those of you just haven't listened for the past couple of weeks, I'm here in New Orleans doing the, what do you call it, the final episode of Glee for this season. It's like some three-hour extravaganza, so I have to be out here forever.

Like I mentioned, I am going to be shirtless in the cafeteria scene, so I've been trying to get healthy food out here, which is practically impossible. I haven't been able to find it if there's any New Orleans people. I guess they don't say Nolans, by the way. I was told that the other night that they don't say that. That's just some Hollywood shit. And then I taught that person how to properly say Boston, B-A-W, Boston, not Boston. So we both had a laugh, and then we ate some fried fucking oysters

because everything's fried down here. You know, I go into Verizon, I need a new cell phone. Charge ya! You know, they didn't have the entire thing. They just had the part you plug into your fucking computer, so unless I was going to walk around with my computer and then bring that plug, plug that in, and then plug the fucking cell phone into my computer, that was the only way for me to charge it when I was on the road.

So then I'm sitting there going like, you know, I'm becoming a tub of shit here, and I have my big shirtless scene. You know, I'm sitting in 8675 309 Jenny, but they jazz it up a little bit. But anyway, so I find some place to get a juice, and even then the way they do the juice, you know? Usually you use the apple. You use the fruit to give it a little zing so you can drink the fucking green shit. But they do it the opposite down here.

It's apple juice, and then they'll add like half a leaf of kale in there, and you just kind of hop in yourself up on sugar. So I actually, I do have a game plan though, people. After your wonderful suggestions, where you're like, Bill, why don't you watch that documentary, Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead? And I'm like, well, yeah, I've already watched those, you know, food, ink, and I watched Trylock Gertu's fucking Morgan Spurlock. Trylock Gertu.

Yeah, it's a famous percussionist from India. I fucking, I mean, that's how you even say his name. Bill, just get to the point. All right. The fuck was my point? Oh, Morgan Spurlock. Is that his name? Yeah, I watched that when he ate McDonald's for 30 fucking days in a row.

And I mean, you know what's great about that? You knew his body was going to be junk, but secretly, haven't you always wanted to do that? Just say fuck it and just blow your body out, you know? Just eat. I wonder how much weight you actually could gain if you really put your mind to it. You know, this is what I do. I would start with a grand slam breakfast.

And then I have to take a nap because I'm old. When you get older, by the way, when you eat really bad, you know, rather than just running outside like you do as a youngster, it takes a toll on you. You actually have to go lay down and try to sleep yourself back into some sort of balance. I don't know what, but yeah, I'd probably start with that. Lunchtime, what would I do? Steak and cheese.

See, you know what it is? That kind of food so fucks me up now. I can't even enjoy it anymore. That's what happens as you get older. It's like your fucking guts are like some engine that your entire life you were down, like two quarts of oil on. And it just doesn't run as well as it used to. You know, back when you were younger, you could do fucking neutral drops

and fucking be driving 40 miles an hour and just yank the emergency brake. You cut the wheel and almost tip over your fucking Volkswagen Fox, like my buddy did back in the day. You can't do that anymore as you get older, you know? So if you are older and every time you eat, you then have to immediately fall asleep. You're down a few quarts. It's time for, you know, I want to put a synthetic in there. So anyway, so I've been, you know, days I'm not working.

I've been kind of bored. I know a lot of you guys already know what I'm working on here and a lot of you guys always go, Bill, why do you try to keep it such a big fucking secret what you're doing? You can just go to your IMDB page and figure out what you're doing. Well, do you ever think that that maybe that that's the fucking method to my madness? See, if I just told you cunts, what I'm doing down here in New Orleans, you'd be a humble brag or you'd give me shit, you know?

Easy there, kid. Don't forget where you came from, all right? So what I do is I deliberately act vague and then, you know, people send me, then they just go to IMDB and they end up knowing more about what the fuck I'm doing than if I told you anyways, and then people send me emails like, Bill, I don't understand why you're being so vague. It's so easy to find out what you're doing. You're doing this project with blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It's like, there you go, you dumb fuck. It's exactly what I wanted. I wanted you to have the information. I tricked you. Okay, you're coming at me like you just solved the murder case. Like you're fucking Colombo and you're looking away with your crazy eye rubbing your forehead and I'm standing there flabbergasted here in a heartbeat under the floorboards. You got it ass backwards.

That's why I'm vague. I want to give you something to do at work. What else are you going to do? Sit there and stare at your spreadsheets, figure out how much fucking grapes cost in the next 20 minutes, scream and buy, sell. I've actually been doing really well with my weight here. Oh, so anyway, so I finally give in and I'm like, all right, I'm not working today. I'm going to go, I'm going to go, you know, I'm going to watch this fucking fat, sick and nearly dead.

And I got to tell you, man, it was awesome. I absolutely loved it and I felt bad for trash and fat people on my podcast. My, my Billy Shane, Billy Shane to get back and get back into shape, you know, where I just make fun of the fatties. I mean, it was always done in jest, but I don't know if there's one guy that he runs into that. I don't know. I felt bad for the dude, but anyways, he goes on this juice fast. So of course now I'm like obsessed with it, you know, just so I can get some of this, these fried clams and all this stuff, these po-boy sandwiches, just try to get these out of my system because I'm sick of having to take a nap every time I eat out here.

So I think I'm going to buy a mini juicer and a bunch of kale and that type of shit and juice it up and then just shove it down my fucking pie hole, you know, and believe it or not, it fills you up, fills you up, you get used to it, then you start craving that. And then the best part is you don't have to go to the gym. That's what it's really all about people. That's the number one reason to eat well. It's not so you live longer. It's so you don't have to go to the gym. You don't have to go to the gym and your clothes still fit right, you know?

I don't know. It was funny. Somebody the other day actually sent me an email going, Bill, do you have any idea how many times you say, you know, during a podcast and it was, it's just like, yes, of course I do. You know, how the fuck wouldn't I know that? I think I don't listen back to these things as I upload them to try to see if they're funny or not. You know, I gotta admit, if I don't think they're funny, I shut them off really quickly, but if they start going, I like them. But I do notice that I say it that much, but maybe, can I have a catchphrase?

You know? That was actually not even, I think it wasn't even on purpose. See, now I'm in my own fucking head. I don't want to do that. Anyways, I'm still here at the hotel. I'm going to buy a juicer and I just figure two out of three meals a day. I'm going to drink that shit and, you know, when I come home, I want to have an even bigger head. I guess that's the way you kind of, you, uh, if you come back off the road and your head isn't three sizes bigger,

does your girlfriend think you cheated on her? Like, what are you in such good shape for? But if you come back as like a fat booze, I'm just, okay, he was faithful. I don't know. Anyways, let's talk about, let's talk about Major League Baseball, something that I have not watched since 2010, when I just got sick of everybody, you know, testing positive for stuff, particularly people on my team. And I was just like, yeah, you know, it just kind of took all the glory out of those championships and stuff that the Red Sox won. It did not take any glory away from beating the Yankees in 2004, though.

It did not at all because, you know, they had just as many guys. If not some of the worst defenders, you know, I think Andy Pettit would have got more shit if he wasn't into Jesus. Any, any Major League Baseball players listening to, if you're listening to this and you're doing, if you're on the juice there, what I would do and you feel like the hounds are nipping at your heels, I would air quote, find Jesus, you know, and just start fucking right in on your glove when you wave to the, when you wave to the camera. Jesus's love. Jesus saves. Jesus is my homie. Yeah, you know, whatever, whatever the fuck else you say. So that when you, you fuck up, then you can just do like that stuff like those televangelists, we just sit there crying,

I have sand against you and people seem to forgive you. So let's get to Alex Rodriguez, everybody. Oh, by the way, if you'd like to know who's in first place in Major League Baseball, I actually looked it up. I had no idea. I mean, I knew the Red Sox were doing well. The Red Sox, the Tigers and the Oakland age are in first place in the American League. And then see if I can remember this, the National League, it's the, is it the Braves? The Dodgers, Dodgers are actually doing well, making me eat crow.

You know, because I laughed at them last year when they were like, we were like, hey, we have $100 million worth of fucking players who aren't doing shit for us. And the Dodgers were like, well, shit, we'll take them. You know, like they're playing a different game over there. I don't know why you would do that, but thank you for doing it. And you know what, thanks to you, it works for all of us. The Red Sox and Dodgers are both in first place and my squad, if I had been paying attention, the Pittsburgh Pirates. You know, I found out the Pirates are in first place. I was sitting in a bar eating fried corn flakes, whatever the fuck they have down here.

And they had on a game, oh, well, the Pirates are on Pirates and Cardinals. I really love the National League from way back in the day. I used to like it because so many of the teams played on Astroturf. And when I was a little kid, I thought that that was way cooler than playing on grass. Like now grass is way cooler than Astroturf. Astroturf looks cheesy, but in the late 70s, early 80s, Astroturf was the shit. You know, the whole field was Astroturf except around the bags. And it just seemed like a faster game.

They were playing hit and run. The guy gets on first, you bunt them over to second, stealing bases. And over in the American League, it was all about, you know, people just standing there trying to smash the ball over the fence. And back then, home run hitters would hit like fucking 278. If you hit 280, that was considered like a, you know, you were a solid guy. I don't know, maybe you are now, but like they just didn't put up the numbers the way they did during the Royd era. Obviously, I should say. So anyways, I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh, Pirates and Cardinals.

This is like the old days, you know? And I'm looking in the crowd and it seems like everybody's wearing pirate shit. And I'm just like, and the place looks like it's sold out. And I'm like, wait a minute, the Pirates are selling out a game? And I'm like, this must be a Cardinals home game. And I look at their jerseys. What was weird was their away jerseys said Cardinals. So then that made me feel like it was a home game.

Because I thought, unless I saw it the wrong way or I misremembered it as politicians say. But I was under the impression that away baseball teams, when you're home, you have the name of your team like the Red Sox. And then you go on the way. It says Boston, you know, you're at home. It says the Indians. You go on the road. It says Cleveland. So I guess, you know, people who don't know shit about baseball know what city you're from.

I have no idea. But anyways, it turned out that it was a Pirates home game and it looked like it was sold out. So that makes me excited. But haven't they been doing that the last couple of years? You know, my fandom of the Pirates is from fucking, you know, just watching baseball in the late 70s and that we are family team was like one of my favorites. And I rooted against the Orioles because the Orioles kicked the Red Sox ass in 79 with their unbelievable pitching staff. I would always root for the National League teams, I guess, because it was actually it was really exciting to see them play because they didn't have there was no MLB packages. Like if you lived in Boston, all you got was the Red Sox game and then they would have the game of the week.

And if you missed that, then you watch Mel Allen's this week in baseball, which was the shit. He used to come on Saturday afternoons. And then he'd come on whatever the fuck he would say. That was the that was supposed to be the exciting theme song that started the show. Then they ended the show with something a little not up tempo to just let you know it was a beautiful game and they would just show it in slow motion And the song once I play the the the day day you fucking people just doing all this amazing shit and like slow motion was amazing. About that song is probably a 40 person orchestra. All right, there was no auto tune. There was no drum machine. There was no fucking one guy on a giant keyboard that could make all those songs.

It was like 40 people getting paid all working together pointing at each other afterwards and going out and having a couple of schlitz. So anyways, what am I talking about here? Yeah, so I started watching baseball again. I haven't started watching baseball. Who's kidding who? But I was psyched to see that the pirates are in first place and I'm actually happy for the Dodgers. Believe it or not, I have a tough time with the Dodgers Because I was a huge fan of them when I was a kid because of the 77 and 78 World Series when they played the New York Yankees. Because I hated the Yankees and we could never beat them back then. So I would root for the Dodgers and I remember feeling bad for Tommy John because he lost in 77 and 78 with the Dodgers. And then in 81 he went to the Yankees, which was unforgivable to me. And then the Yankees played the Dodgers again in the World Series and then the Dodgers finally won. The guy went 0 for fucking 3. Poor bastard. And he had an operation named after him. Him and Lou Gehrig. No, one was an operation, the other one was a disease. Hey Bill, why don't you shut the fuck up?

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I think I finally got my game together with reading these advertisements. You know, you know what I am? I'm like a number one draft pick bust when it comes to that shit. Not quite a bust, but I'm about five, six years in. The original team I was on dropped me down to number three on the depth chat and now I got traded and I'm playing back up over in fucking Minnesota. But the first two went down and now I'm getting in. Alright, now Skip Bayless is yelling about me saying that he doesn't think that I can actually read these fucking things without screwing it up while Stephen A. Smith goes blasphemy, blasphemy. Alright, A-Rod everybody. Here's my thing about this son of a bitch.

This guy gets a lifetime ban and that somehow voids his contract. The Yankees are somehow able to get out of that contract. I swear to fucking God, you might as well just have the commissioner of baseball might as well just be Steinbrenner's son. Okay, how much shit can the Yankees fucking get away with? Do you remember the Red Sox wanted to get A-Rod? We had the deal in place and baseball came in and was like, no, we had the deal was done and baseball came in and said, no, that's bad for baseball. It's bad for baseball to have yet another big time free agent go to the Red Sox because that's when we were becoming the Yankees, right? And then A-Rod goes to the Yankees.

Somehow that wasn't bad for baseball to have two of the three best short stops in the league at the time on the same team. One of them never to play shortstop again to have to learn a new position at third base. If you remember, this is pre-steroids and all that. So some of these names don't hold the weight they did back in the day, but their infield was Giambi, Jeter and A-Rod. And then there was talks that maybe they were going to sign Nomar to play second base. I remember Giambi be like, dude, he was like, dude, that would be awesome. I just remember thinking like, how would that be awesome? Where is the fucking fun in that?

So anyways, we try to get A-Rod. It's bad for baseball. The Yankees do it and they already had like fucking every goddamn free agent in the league at every position other than their four fucking five core guys from their own... farm team. And somehow that was okay. All right. And that was just an ongoing story in baseball. It was the Red Sox.

Just never, just we couldn't win no matter what we did. It blew up in our face. And even when we made moves and got a big guy, it was considered bad for baseball. You go back to the 70s. We had Raleigh Fingers sign him bad for baseball. You know, yank that out. Reggie Jackson, can we, can the fucking Yankees sign him? Apps are fucking loopy.

I don't know what, I don't know what our pens look like, but for some reason they were bad for baseball. So anyways, for once after 86 years of flailing, you know, the deal somehow it worked in our favor. So I have thoroughly enjoyed watching A-Rod flame out and watching the Yankees trying to get out of that contract and just not being able to get this $200 million Albatross off from around their neck. I thoroughly fucking enjoyed it. They tried to humiliate him. They've benched him during crucial moments and like the playoffs and A-Rod doesn't give a fuck. He just sits there like a fucking robot going, well, you know, whatever's good for the team.

I don't give a shit. You know, just, just keep paying me. I don't give a fuck and I completely enjoyed it. And they still have another five years of this nightmare. Five years, like $114 million. They got to give this, this matinee idol looking bust and I have completely enjoyed every second of it. And in my world, it's like, I got another five years to just sort of, you know, not like I watch a ton of baseball anymore, which is kind of sad. I got to get back into it, everybody, but I can't, I can't get back into it at the, the, the upper levels.

I just can't, I can't watch these fucking, you know, juggernaut teams. I got to, I got to, I got to be watching Kansas City, you know, the Padres, the Pirates, even though Pirates are in first place, but I don't think they have any major league signings in major free agent signings. But anyways, so I thought I had another five years of this show to watch and now all of a sudden I'm worried that it's going to get canceled. I'll tell you right now, if because of this suspension, the Yankees are somehow able to get out of this contract and save themselves $114 million, which to them is just a drop in the bucket. The way they ask rape their fans every home game, the way they take every one of those poor Yankee fans with their pinstripe shirts and their classic Yankee hats, and they just bend them over the hot dog stand and just stick that pinstripe dick right up their ass, no lube.

You know, I really feel bad for the total fucking ass raping that every, every Yankee fan takes when you go to the ballpark. I mean, if I was a Yankee fan, I would not go to that new fucking beautiful baseball stadium slash growing up Gotti house. It's such a weird stadium. If you haven't been to it, you should definitely go. But I suggest eating a Thanksgiving dinner before you go there or, you know, one of your kids will not be going to college. But you go to that stadium. It's such a weird stadium where like there's literally some breathtaking views as you walk around that park. Every time you're like, oh, my God, this is amazing. They really did it right. Then they'll just have, you know, some jackass like just some, some fucking look how much money we got.

Just, you know what it is? It's kind of like this blend of I don't know, like what's a great ballpark that they built that that's new. But I guess maybe the Jake when it first came out, it's kind of the perfect. It's a blend of the beautiful new ones that conjure up the old shit and like Dallas Cowboy Stadium where if you never been to that, you got to go to that one just once just to see that absolutely fucking that I saw of a television that they have hanging up there. It's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. I swear to God, when I go to that stadium, I always think if Bobby Kelly designed a football stadium, this is exactly what it looked like.

Dude, look how big the TV is, dude. I don't have to go anywhere, dude. I just sit here and watch it. Um, Dallas Cowboy Stadium is an absolute fucking abomination. And, uh, and it's just because of that TV. Everything else is actually, it's beautiful. If you could just get that fucking TV, that TV, it's like a drunk at a holiday family gathering. You know what I mean? No matter how good the food is, not how great it is to see everybody. All conversation, everything is drowned out by the fucking the guy over there.

You know, your uncle keeps dabbling in the oxy. He's telling you that he's clean, but he isn't, you know, that's what that fucking TV is like. So anyways, what the hell am I saying here? As a fan of sports and my hatred of the New York Yankees, I'm really hoping that the Yankees feel like, oh, maybe we can get out of it, maybe we can get out of it, and then they still can't. Knowing full well that in the long run, it's not going to mean shit to them. A hundred something million dollars doesn't mean shit to them. It's just annoying.

And that's basically all I can really hope for at this point. So maybe I'll write some letters, I'll write some letters to the commissioner of baseball, tell him that I'm dying or something, and that my bucket list or something, something has to do with A-Rud. I just really want that, that I just want to be able to talk to him sometime while he's on the field. That's my make-or-wish thing. I want to look into those zombie robotic eyes. I like how he's actually pissed now and says that he's being singled out. It's like, well, you kind of made yourself a target with the steroids for the second time. You fucking jerk off.

He really is like, he has an inability to step outside himself and see how he's coming off. An absolute jackass, and I can't think of a better person to be wearing the pinstripes to represent what that organization is all about. They're clean-shaven steroid abusers. Unlike the Red Sox, who, I don't know what we look like. We look like we're going to an Allman Brothers concert. I'm just trying to get Yankee fans going. They use steroids, too!

Alright, let's plow ahead here, everybody. What the hell is that? I was just going to talk about something there. What the hell was I going to bring up there? Oh, let's move on to this. Let's just keep the sport thing going here. Oh, no, no, no. I remember what it is. I owe an apology. This wasn't my fault, but I have to apologize on behalf of the theater. That El Paso show got rescheduled, as I mentioned, because of the active work I got down here in New Orleans. I was only able to do the first two dates of the Red State Tour.

None of the shows are canceled. They've all been rescheduled. I know it's a pain in the ass. I know people make plans. I apologize. I announced it here on the podcast. I don't know what the fuck else I could have done to let people know. I guess the theater out there in El Paso, I don't know what happened, but some people didn't get the word that the show was canceled, and I guess there was some people that showed up. So I apologize. I hope you're listening to this.

I will try to tweet about it. Maybe you'll be able to get it. I don't know if you follow me on Twitter or not, but to let you know, the new date of the El Paso date is September 13th. September 12th is the new date. I apologize to anybody who showed up. I can't believe what a pain in the ass that is. I hope nobody drove full fucking hours or had a plane ticket or something like that, so I feel horrible about it.

Because of that, I'm just going to announce my dates right here right now. I'm just going to read through a bunch of these as quickly as I can. So there's no more confusion. And then somehow there still will be confusion, and then somehow someone's going to get mad at me and I'll get a fucking angry email or whatever. Apologize for the clicking here, people. See if I can bring this up with this horrific internet here.

Come on. You can do it. You can do it. All right. Here we go. These are the shows I have coming up. I'm even going to read the ones that don't even have ticket links. All right. All right. This is the deal. August 23rd, I'm at the MGM Grant in Mashinah, Tata, Connecticut. August 24th, University of Cincinnati.

August 27th, Cobb's Comedy Club with Brian Regan. All proceeds are going to charity. We're doing a co-headliner. That one's actually already sold out. All right. Red State Tour of Reschedule Dates. For those of you in Colorado, September 4th, September 6th, Boulder, Colorado, Pikes Peak. All right. Tickets are all on sale for these.

September 7th. I'm in Coachella, California at the Spotlight 29 Casino. Once again, rescheduled Red State Tours. September 12th, El Paso, Texas. And because of that rescheduled, I'm also now doing San Antonio, Texas. First time. I've never been there. At the Lilla Cockrell Theater, September 13th. And I know what you're thinking.

Bill, you're doing a show on September 14th? No, I am not. But I'm not leaving Texas. And what is Saturday in September in Texas? Mean to anybody in Texas, huh? College football, motherfucker. I'm going to Texas A&M, Alabama. And I am rooting for the Aggies.

And I will be drunk. And I will still be screaming Alabama the Dream Ends tonight. So look for me out in the parking lot with my sunburned giant head. And I'll see you in the stadium. All right. Continuing on. September 19th. I'm in West Virginia. West Virginia University. Morgantown, West Virginia.

Then I got Pittsburgh on September 20th. All these shows are on sale. People up in Canada. Toronto, Ontario. September 21st, the Queen Elizabeth Theater. September 28th. Not one, but two shows at the famous Chicago Theater. First one is sold out, I believe.

Second show, 1030 has been added. Now here's some that aren't on sale, but are coming up October 3rd, 4th, 5th, 7th, and 8th. No, no, I'm sorry. Strike that. October 3rd, 4th, and 5th. I'll be in San Jose, Seattle, Washington, and Phoenix, Arizona. Those tickets are not on sale yet, but I'm just letting you know where I'm going to be.

And I'll announce them as soon as they're available on Twitter. So follow me on Twitter if you're not on Twitter or Facebook or whatever. November 7th, this is not on sale. And November 8th, this is on 9th. 7th, 8th, and 9th. Sorry, these are not on sale yet either. I'll be in Washington, D.C., New York City, and Upper Darby, Pennsylvania. That'll be Constitution Hall, the Beacon Theater, and Tower Theater.

All right, November 15th, rescheduled red state tour. Deadwood, South Dakota. November 16th, rescheduled red state tour. Brady Theater in Tulsa, Oklahoma. And another red state, the Orpheum Theater, Wichita, Kansas. November 17th, all right? And that will conclude the red state tour. I apologize for having to reschedule,

but I'm still coming. I could have been a cunt and just canceled. You know, sat out here in fucking New Orleans with my shirt off, get ready for my big number. What else? Southern Connecticut State University on the 23rd. All right, now here's the big European tour. People from Europe were asking me about this shit,

and I apologize for this being really long, but I have to get this information out here, because I do not want people showing up when I'm not going to be somewhere. All right, December 5th, I'm in Amsterdam. Tickets are on sale. December 7th, I'm in London. Show sold out, they added another show. December 9th, I'm in Dublin at the Vicar Theater. December 10th, I'm at the Savoy Theater in Helsinki, Finland.

December 11th, I'm at the Copenhagen, I'm at the Bremen Theater in Copenhagen, Denmark. December 12th, I'm in Oslo, Norway. December 13th, I'm in Stockholm, Sweden. Now here's two shows that people don't know about. December 15th, I'm going to be at Harpa, Silferberg Hall in Reykjavik, Iceland. Hope I'm saying that right. Never been to Iceland.

I'm really excited. And the biggest teaser of them all. You know, I don't work New Years, because I go to the Rose Bowl every year. Well, I finally decided this year, well, I live in Los Angeles. Why don't I do a big show in Los Angeles? And why don't I put my buddies, the Rose Bowl legends, Joe Botnick and Jason Lawhead will all do a show the night before.

New Year's Eve. If you don't have New Year's Eve plans and you live in Los Angeles, we're going to be at the Wiltern Theater right down there on now. Wilshire? Wilshire and Western. So tickets are not on sale for that one yet. So there you go. Now you know as much as I do about my schedule.

And once again, sincerest apologies to anybody, any of the poor bastards that showed up for my show in El Paso that was not to be. I don't know how that happened. So there you go. All right. Back to the podcast here, everybody. So as mentioned, I'm down here in New Orleans. I've been making fun of the food,

but I've been having the best time in New Orleans. As they say, if you can't have a good time down here, there's something wrong with you. And I went out the other night. I guess they shoot a lot of movies down here because it's really cheap. They gave them a great deal or whatever. And I had a buddy of mine who was shooting something else and he had just wrapped and he called me out. We went off, met up at this hotel and just say, you know what?

I actually, I usually don't name a name, but this is a hypers movie. It was Craig Robinson who's doing, they just wrapped on a hot tub time machine part two. And Craig is one of just one of those guys who's just, I don't know, unbelievably charismatic. Like I watched, I was watching that guy. That guy was having more goddamn fun in one night than I think I've ever had in my life. You know, just he's, there was a live band playing. He went up, he played piano, you know, singing and making everybody laugh. And then he fucking called me up to go do some standup.

I of course was defensive, turned the crowd off and then I got off stage. But later on that night when the band had left, he went back up, started playing piano and I went up there, played some drums. I swear to God for like 45 minutes or like an hour. And it's the most fun I think I've had in a long, long time. And I was stoned sober, didn't have a drop of alcohol. You know, whenever I have an acting gig, I try to lay off the booze so my fucking giant head doesn't seem even bigger. No one wants to see that on the screen. So I've been doing that, walking around, checking out the city, avoiding what do you call it?

Bourbon Street, you know, I just don't like the date rapey sort of vibe on that street. So there is a laundromat that is on that. So it's kind of funny. I've been doing my laundry down that way and just walking on that street like in broad daylight after, you know, show your tits or whatever the fuck happened the night before. It's just, if you ever walk by a strip club during the day, it's just really just, it's just not a good look. It's just, I don't know what about it is at nighttime when you see those purple neon light bulbs and you have in the bag or something. It actually looks like something appealing, but when you just see it in broad daylight, it's fucking brutal. So anyways, I've actually been getting into like, you know, they've been talking about LSU football down here and the Saints like every single day.

They're getting so fucking amped up for football. I'm actually caught up in this excitement down here and I saw that the Saints have a preseason game Friday night. And if you think I'm not going, well, if I have to work that night, obviously I'm not going. But if I don't have to, there's no fucking way I'm not going because the Superdome, now that they redid it, it was already iconic. It's, you owe it to yourself to come down here and go to a game. It's beautiful, which brings me to that basketball team. I don't know if you guys know this, but the New Orleans Hornets are no more than now called the New Orleans Pelicans. I'm just going to pause and let you take that in for a second.

It's called, they're called the Pelicans, which is arguably the worst fucking name of any goddamn sports team. I'm going to make a suggestion here. Any new team at this point, do not name your team after an animal because evidently there's no good ones left. There's 122 fucking teams. And I think just all the good ferocious ones are taken unless you just want to go obscure and just start picking like names of like poisonous snakes and fucked up animals from different countries, which I don't know. Why would you, why would you do that? You know, the New Orleans Taipans, you know, you wouldn't do that shit.

The Pelicans. So I looked up their logo and I'm like, if they made like a basketball net out of that bird's fucking double chin. I don't know what I was going to do, but I looked it up. But you know what they did conveniently is they, they got rid of its double chin like it had like a facelift. So what I think they should do now, if they're going to go like that, if they're going to so horribly misrepresent that bird, not have its giant fucking double chin and somehow have this streamlined chin. You know, I think they should just, they should just put those fucking, you know, those lips, those plastic surgery lips that you got. Fuck, I might even be remotely fucking funny on this goddamn podcast.

Such a fucking handicap. I can't hear myself right now. I don't have my microphone. It's like my kryptonite. Make the fucking thing look like a Kardashian Kardashian's mom. I'm actually, you know, it's such a fucking, you know, I don't like about it. They, they try to make it look cool. It's like, if you're going to be the Pelicans, just embrace it.

And what you have to have is do, do the cartoony version of the Pelican right where it's got a cigar in its mouth and it's giving you the thumbs up with its fucking wing. You know, it's got a fucking beer in one hand or something, a cigar. It's just a Hawaiian shirt. If you're going to be the Pelicans, you got to do that. Stop trying to make that bird look cool. It's not cool. Is this iron been fucking rocking like that the entire time? It's not fucking cool.

There's two logos that really fucked up the New Orleans Pelicans and then the fucking Miami Dolphins who never should have changed. They shouldn't have changed their logo. It had been, it was always a kind of a douchey logo, but it had been around long enough and they'd done so many legendary things that you kind of like, you respected it. I mean, when I saw that logo, I thought about Don Shula, I thought about Larry Zonka, Jim Kick, Bob Greasy, that whole era. What the fuck his name is? And Gary Appremium, that's the way people used to go bald. You know, like fucking Lou Grant. What was the dump of these chemicals on your head and having that wisp of grass on top of your head?

Or I thought about Dan Marino, Mark Duper, Mark Clayton, all of that shit. That's what I thought about. And for some fucking reason they decided to change it, which I think is a desperate move at this point. They're trying to make more money because now everybody has to go out and buy it. The new logo is never better. Look at the New England Patriots. I think we have like the ugliest fucking uniforms in the league. That awful silver with that, you know, whatever they call it, the flying Elvis on the side.

I hate it. I've never bought, wow, I just realized that. I've never bought anything with that logo on it. Never bought a jersey or anything. I've hated it from way back when Drew Bled so first came and it was more sky blue as opposed to the darker blue with that silver. I always just thought it was horrifically fucking ugly. But the Dolphins new logo. You know what their logo basically looks like?

Do you know like when a corporation accidentally spills like nuclear waste into the water supply? So then they change their name and they try to come up with like a logo that makes it seem like they give a shit about the environment like BP did. You know, BP went from this logo that looked like they drilled oil out of the fucking ground like what they did and then sprayed it on baby birds and fucking sweatshop children. Now they got that one. It's all green and yellow. Like you don't know if they plant corn or it just looks like grass and sunshine. That's what I feel like the new Dolphins have done. Is that what you feel like, Bill?

Bill, considering you're not that funny this week, why don't you just read some of the letters instead of continuing to just flail as you're riffing? Alright, I'll get on to it. Alright, here's the first one. Facial scare. Bill, a few notes. Oh, you know what? I'm just fucking up this week. I got to read these last two advertisements. I can't read them too late into the podcast because for some reason I think you guys just shut these things off.

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Please make sure you use the huluplus.com slash bill so you get an extended free trial. So that they know we sent you. It helps us to keep the lights on and gives you a better deal. One more time for the extended free trial, huluplus.com slash bill. All right. I'm reading very well this week, everybody. I'm going to pat myself on the back and put a little pressure here. I bet I can go through this whole one without screwing up once.

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God damn it. I went 14-2 in the regular season and I just blew the first playoff game. That's what I just did there. I pulled the Peyton Manning. Um... All right, where the hell am I here? All right, facial scare. What the fuck is it?

All right, Bill, this past weekend I went to Vegas to visit my brother and his buddy, who currently reside there. They actually caught your most recent show in Vegas and they had a phenomenal time. Oh, that's awesome. Thank you. He said, I left last Thursday from Tampa and soon I touched down in Vegas. I received an out-of-nowhere text from the girl that got away. I was shook.

This broad used to live in Tampa about two and a half years ago, but she moved out to LA to pursue her careers as an actress. The two of us attended the University of Tampa a few years ago and had an on-again, off-again relationship. Long story short, I was in a relationship with another girl. We went on break and I met this girl and was hooked. So, anyways, her text said, Hey, who are you going to Vegas with because I'm going to be there this weekend too?

My guess is that she had seen my social media. She had been... My guess is that she had seen on my social media that I was going to be in Vegas. When I read the text, I was very surprised and pretty pumped because we hadn't talked in a long time. And like I said, she was the one that got away. She's absolutely gorgeous and she also happens to be a really good person as well. Jesus Christ people, what could go wrong here?

We hooked up in Vegas and it was amazing to see her. We all went out, did our thing and had one of the best weekends I've had in my life. I'd give you more details, but you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Alright, you gave her the old meat hammer. Way to be subtle. Anyways, the reason why I'm writing to you, though, is because on the plane right back to Tampa, I was thinking about mine and this girl's relationship in all of our history.

And a pretty comical slash genius story came to mind about her. I know this is getting long, but I hope it's not as long and boring as that guy running to explain the fucking origins of Jimmy's a couple of weeks ago. Jesus Christ. But anyways, like I said, when I first met her, I was immediately attracted to her natural beauty and her personality. She was one of these ladies who didn't have to wear makeup or do anything special to look sexy.

However, one of the first weekends we spent together, I wake up with her in bed one morning. I go to give her a kiss and I am immediately troubled. The way the morning sun was shining into the window on her face exposed something I wasn't ready for that early in the morning. This broad has dark hair and for the first time I noticed she had some dark hair above her lip. Yeesh.

I'm really surprised I didn't catch it before, but it wasn't a thick mustache or anything. It was just like the peach fuzz a 12-year-old boy has before he starts shaving regularly. Regardless, I was taken back and from that morning, and from that point on that morning, it was all I could notice. Ah, Jesus.

Isn't it crazy how visual guys are? That's it. Take the most beautiful woman in the world. Mustache. That's all we can see. It's like I'm kissing fucking Bert Reynolds here. All right, so when I went home, I had to devise a master plan.

Operation mustache removal. I like this girl way too much and she was still very hot even with the stash, but I needed a way to get rid of it because I wanted to help her out while also helping myself. All right, now this is why I picked this one here. Listen to this guy. A gorgeous fucking woman.

Everything about her is perfect except she has a fucking mustache. Now, how to help? Do you bring it up to somebody that you care about that they have a mustache and it's fucking turning you off? There's no way to do that without sabotaging the relationship or really hurting the other person. The only way to do that is if you just completely don't give a shit about the other person and just say, hey, you know,

there's no way you could, you know... I mean, I don't know how to fucking say it. Well, this is what he did and this was genius. He said, since we just started seeing each other, I didn't want to come out and say, babe, babe, you shaved today? Seemed a little self-conscious that it is so I didn't want to tell her and embarrass her or anything like that.

I needed a way to remove this stash without being involved. Hence, I did what needed to be done. Listen to this fucking brilliant conspiracy. I called my trustworthy buddy who was playing hockey in Canada at the time and told him I needed him to do me a solid dude. I filled him in on the situation and he was willing to help me out. Since he had a weird, random Canadian number at the time, I gave him my chick's number and told him to text her

and simply say, you have a mustache. I ordered him to say nothing else and not to respond under any circumstances. He texted me back about 20 minutes later and said, mission complete. So this fucking lady, just to get you caught up in case you're confused here with my reading, she gets a random text from a Canadian number

out of nowhere that just says you have a mustache. I can't imagine, her fucking stomach must have dropped. Anyway, he goes, later that night, I met her at the bar and she was looking extraordinarily sexy. She seemed to have a little pep in her step. I walked up to give her a kiss and I looked above her lip and the peach fuzz mustache was gone. Clean and soft as a baby's bottom.

I was very happy how it played out. I helped myself out because that would have bothered me and I helped her become even sexier. The best part being, she had no idea that I orchestrated that mission. I didn't have to talk about it, bring it to her attention and heard her feelings or anything like that. I just had a broad with a clean upper lip.

Thought I'd share, go fuck yourself. Dude, that is absolute genius and now I just got paranoid because I said what fucking school you went to and all that shit. I hope you don't get in trouble. But somehow your woman is listening to this. A guy does something like that, not because he's being a dick, it's because he cares for you.

We don't have those skills. How do you tell somebody that? There's no way to do it. I think what he did was genius. Nobody got fucking hurt. You felt great about yourself. He cared about you enough, sweetheart, in case you're listening that he came up with the plan that if he put it in another area,

he could have like whacked JFK. So there you go. He came up with an enigma wrapped up in a riddle, however that fuck that goes, and you look even better. I would hope somebody would do that for me. All right, girlfriend in fantasy league. Hey Bill, love the podcast. Thank you.

I've been in a fantasy football league for 10 years. It was started by one of my best friends and has been the same 12 guys for a decade. I don't even know how bands have put, I don't even know bands that have been together that long. So this year, my buddy who started the league decided to boot out two lifelong members in favor of his girlfriend and the girlfriend of a friend of ours.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Did those other two guys who got booted, did they do anything? I mean, if he was going to add the ladies, why did those other two guys have to leave? Wow. All right. Okay.

Well, I'm sucked into this story. He said, I mean, I immediately called bullshit and said point blank to his face. If she wasn't sucking your dick, then she wouldn't be in the league. Oh, dude. That right there is a game changer. You can't say it.

What if he marries this woman? Always, there's a rule for you guys. Always be careful what you say about the woman your guy is with because you never fucking know. You never know. And I'm sure there's some listeners that have stories and if you'd like to contribute them to the podcast where, you know what's even fucking worse is when your buddy,

he says fucked up shit about the girl, you know, about what a whore she is in bed and she's fucking his brains out and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and tells you all these details. And then the jackass ends up falling for her and he has to fucking break up with you because he's not going to break up with her because every time he looks at you, he thinks out,

you know, he knows how this girl, my future wife sucks my dick, you know. Anyways, plowing ahead. He's trying to defend his decision by saying she at least knows a little about sports. Dude, this is awful. This guy wasn't raised right, man. This is just, this is fucking terrible.

He said the fact of the matter is that she is from New York and knows who the Jets are. That's the extent of her football knowledge. He thinks I'm overreacting. You're not overreacting. He didn't ask anybody else. You've had 12 for the last 10 years and he just removed two of the original band members.

Dude, this isn't even funny. This is really upsetting to me. He thinks I'm overreacting, but I think of it the same scenario. If you had, if you have one night a year to have a guys night with your buddies and then you get to the bar, you see that your friends has invited his girlfriend

to guys night. Exactly. He even told me that she, she's the one who asked if she could join, which obviously to me means he had no intentions of inviting her, but when he was back into the corner, his balls shot up into his throat

and he couldn't say no, exactly. It's not just a fantasy league but a clear indication that she's going to slowly start chipping away at everything else in the rest of his life. Exactly. In summation, his girlfriend wanted in and he crumbled and said yes.

Am I reading too much into this? Am I overreacting? I'd like to know because he's getting pissed at me for being pissed at him. Absolutely not, sir. Everything that I was going to tell you, you already know and you wrote in this email. Okay?

You ran down the mats. You went off the little fucking springy board. You hit the fucking hobby horse. You did your little fucking Mary Lulet and flip and you stuck the landing. You get a perfect ten on that one, sir. You are 100% right. You know what?

My move would be, I would start my own fantasy league. All right? And I would invite everybody else in that fucking league. Well, I wouldn't do that because that's a chick move. Make people decide.

This is why I wouldn't be as harsh with him and just be like, no, dude, what you did was absolute bullshit. And I guarantee you, I would tell him that she's going to start chipping away with you at your life. Your balls are up in your throat. But that's going to end your friendship with him.

But here's the deal, dude. There are other fantasy football leagues to join. All right? And that's one of those ugly things about that chapter of guys' lives after college. You know, when you went to grade school together or you met them in college or whatever,

but you guys had this unbelievable bond like you went to fucking war together. If one of your friends is a pussy, he has a chance of meeting somebody who's going to splinter the group. And this isn't an anti-woman thing. This is more like an anti-pussy guy kind of thing where, you know, there are controlling,

suffocating people on both sides, men and women. And I know that there's women listening and one of their best girlfriends started dating some fucking overbearing, insecure douchebag guy. And the first thing they do is they cut him off from their friends. And then it's the coworkers, then the friends,

and then their family. They stick him under a fucking little glass or something. So, yeah, you know what, dude? The sad thing is you're going to lose a couple of friends. Sometimes that happens. And you just have to be content about it. And I think it's really important for men and women to have men-only and women-only social events

that they can go to once a week or a couple of times a month and just hang out with the fellas and hang out with the ladies and just whatever. I think it's really, really healthy. It gives you something to look forward to. It gives you a place where you can just vent about anything you fucking want in a group of people that 100% is going to understand

and you don't have to worry about hurting anybody's feelings or offending on anybody. It's really, really fucking healthy. And this guy's fucking with that. And he didn't put it to a vote. What is he, the grand poobah of this shit? I don't know. There's so many ways you can go with that

depending on how much you want to stir up the pot. You guys should put it to the vote. This would be great. Put it to a vote. Dude, have this be like your Arab Spring but with a fantasy football league and just vote that cunt out. And then you become the dictator and you move into the palace.

How about that? Whatever dude, you're 100% right. I would just, I would choose my words a little more carefully. Don't say that you didn't have the balls. Just say, listen, this was something that we did together for 12 years. And I'm really disappointed and shocked

that you made this big a move and removed two other members who didn't include anybody else in it. I don't think that it was done right and I think we should put this to a vote. That's what we should do. And if he gets mad and he starts yelling don't lose your cool.

Just keep stating your opinion calmly. And you know, if he's going to be a bitch about it let him be a bitch about it and I would actually, for your own health, dude, all they think she knows is the jet. She's going to be like, wait a minute, who's that? Oh my God, I don't know anything. She's going to try to do that.

You know that thing where women try to act like they're dumb because they think it's cute? You know what I would do, sir? I would just cut your losses. Just fucking. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I'm getting and it's ruined my fucking day and I'm not even in it.

I don't even like fantasy football. All right, banker cunts. All right, Billy Boy. So have you heard about these greedy cunts at Goldman Sachs? That was kind of a national story. What, did they do something else? You said they cornered a large share of the market in aluminum

and then betted on the futures of aluminum with the price going up. Sounds illegal? It is, but of course those stupid fucking cunts found a loophole in the law. The loophole is that 25 tons of aluminum is supposed to leave the warehouse every day. However, the law doesn't specify where it had to go.

So they would just send it to another warehouse of theirs and technically it didn't leave the warehouse. In the New York Times article, they interviewed people who previously worked at these warehouses. They would jokerly send each other messages and say, hey, get that shipment of aluminum, but really they were just transferring it to an adjacent warehouse.

I don't even get what the fuck's going on here. Of course Goldman Sachs has recently posted its largest quarter profit of over 2 billion. When can we take these bankers out into the street and just shoot them? All joking aside, this shit is inside a trading and they should be prosecuted, but we know that won't happen.

PS, know you're busy for a while, but when are you coming back to Atlanta? I actually don't know. I don't know why I'm coming back to Atlanta. You know what, that's one of those things I should have read that 20 times in a row and learned what exactly is going on. I think this is basically how they get away with it,

is that there's too many people like myself that don't even understand what's going on there. All that stuff betting on futures. I don't even understand what any of that means. I was just in the stock market long enough to realize like, hey, I don't know what the fuck's going on. I basically felt like I was standing at a crap table. I put my money on a crap table

and I wasn't even in the casino. I was in a different state and then I was calling somebody else up going, hey, how's the game going? You know, I saw a couple of stats at the bottom with the screen and I can't even read them. I don't even know if the game's even being played. That's what I can't get past about.

Everybody listening to this podcast, you don't have any of the money that you earn every week. You don't have any of it. You ever think about that? It's a number on a piece of paper. Take it to the bank and then they stick that number in your ATM. Then occasionally you go to the ATM

and they give you a piece of paper that is only worth something because everybody says it's worth something. But you really have nothing of value. What you have is the piece of paper that's part of the lie. So that is the genius of all of this shit. And through penalties and fees and taxes and all that crap, they get you even further removed where you have to invest it.

Why do I have to fucking invest it? You can't, I don't know. You don't get anything. You don't get anything of fucking value. The only thing that has value is the lie. And as long as the lie continues, I mean isn't this the month where we go to raise the debt ceiling every fucking year?

Eventually that wave's going to crash. I don't know. I hope when the wave crashes that all races and all economic levels somehow put down their differences and they all come together and we just start walking towards gated communities. All right? There you go.

How much are you stealing that you have to live behind a gated community? They're sitting there acting like they're afraid that we're going to steal their shit. It's like you got your shit by stealing from us. All right? Anarchy? Sorry.

All right, where am I going here? The next one. Low libido girlfriend. All right, hey Bill. I've been with my current girlfriend for two years and we've had our ups and downs, ups and downs relationship-wise. But even at the lowest points,

we still get back together. Okay? Is there a reason you get back together? Is it because you actually love this girl and you don't want to go through the pain of a breakup? The problem is, at this point in the relationship, it seems like I'm the only one interested in sex. Maybe it's just a man thing or how long we've been dating,

but she's in her 20s and I'm 31. And we have the sex life of a middle-aged married couple, once a month or once every three weeks at best. She generally responds to my advances with this interest or at worst, annoyance. Do you think there is any ways to change this or are we just not sexually compatible? Go fuck yourself.

Well, my gut tells me the relationship is over and it's been over. Oh, you said ups and downs. You didn't say that you broke up. I read into that. Yeah, you need to sit down and talk to her and just say, listen, I just want to talk about her sex life.

I feel like it's almost non-existent and when I try to get something going with you, I feel like I just completely turn you off. Did I do something? And in general, if you're just not into me anymore, just let me know because I'm 31 and I should probably try and find someone who finds me remotely attractive when you think so.

It's kind of what I'm looking for in life, somebody who actually gives a flying fuck when I'm shaking my dick in their face. See, like right there, look, you just look down. Just a mere mention of me shaking my cock in your face. No, sorry. Yeah, that's what I would do. Do you think there's any change of this

or are we just not sexually compatible? All relationship shit is communication. You have to sit down. You want to communicate relationship, what I've learned the best thing to do is sit down with yourself first. All right? Driving in the car, get all the yelling out.

Scream at the windshield, yeah? And what the fuck? I'm sitting there. I went over to your brother's house the other day. And what do I get? You know, just scream it, get it all out. And then when you get all of that out, then you just do some self-analysis

and you try to break down the anger and be like, what am I really upset about? You know? What do I feel right now? I feel like I'm not being heard. I feel this, I feel that. This is game plan. Okay?

Even if you got to make like a set list, like a fucking comedian, and you just write down what you're feeling and the points that you want to get out, draw a smiley face at the end of it to remind yourself to not get angry because you're going to start the conversation. This works for both men and women.

You're going to start the conversation. So the other person is caught off guard. So they didn't get a chance to scream at the windshield. So they might start screaming at you. So your point, your main thing is not to join in and have the whole thing escalate. You just want to be heard. All right?

So if you, in an adult way, just tell them what you're feeling without insulting them. It's always good for the relationship, even if the relationship fucking comes to an end. You're just pressing fast forward through a bunch of pain. So there you go.

So I would just sit down there and say, yeah, I just feel like I repulse you to the point that I'm, you know, I feel hesitant to even try to make a move on you. What's the deal? You know, see how that works out. All right. Road head accident.

Hey Bill, I took my lady out to a nice steakhouse for our anniversary. We had an awesome night. The food was expensive, but fucking great. We picked out and after it was all over, we left. We then went and seen a movie. I don't know if that's a typo, sir, but I fucking, I know guys like you.

We went out, we had all this meal, and we went out, we seen a movie. And at two hours to let our stomach settle, I'm surprised you didn't fall asleep. I would have felt, if I had a giant steak dinner, I would have got theitis. Anyways, then after we left the theater, we locked eyes in the car and we immediately wanted to fuck.

Jesus, dude, you're killing it. Steak dinner, movies, now you're going to, you know, you've got a woman who wants to jump on your dick. God bless you. America. So I threw the neon into drive and floored it towards home. However, she had the amazing idea to give me some road head before we got home.

Being a dude, I had my dick out before she even got situated. Of course, after a while of her doing this, she started to gag. Being a dude, I was thinking, oh yeah, she can't even handle this dick. Jesus Christ, this guy's sparing no details. Sorry, ladies. Despite the fact that she had never gagged before.

Oh, sorry, I missed the self-deprecating tag there. He said I was thinking she can't handle this dick, despite the fact she had never gagged before. Before I knew it, oh no. Alright, if you're squeamish people, just shut it off now. He goes, I felt a wet sensation on my balls. As I looked down, I noticed that she had thrown up

all over my dick, balls, and general crotch area. Sorry. Wow. Here's the bullshit. She was mad at me. What the fuck? She was so upset and embarrassed. Right there, sir.

About it that she hasn't come over in two weeks. Why is she pissed? She isn't the one that had to clean his steak. All right, all right, tell me what to do. I gotta tell you this, she's being really immature. She's embarrassed. She's embarrassed and she's not being mature about this. Where, I mean, it was a mutual thing.

It's not like you grabbed her by the back of the head and just slammed her head down there, you know? She was all about it. In fact, if I remember before I can get that nightmare visual out of my head, it was her idea, right? We wanted to fuck whoever. She had the amazing idea to give me some head out. She's a trooper.

You know, this is what I would do. Send her a card in the mail. All right? And just tell her that, you know? You miss her? You don't view her any differently or anything? And just write something nice. I'd really like to take you out for an ice cream,

even if you do throw it up all of my dick and balls later. I think it'd be kind of soothing. You know, it is the summertime months and that crotch area can get a little hot, so I wouldn't mind a little mint chocolate chip around the pubes there. All right, leave out the last part. But, I don't know, just send her a nice card.

I wouldn't even bring up the incident. Just send her a nice card. Something cute. Nothing silly. Nothing fucking overly loving. Just something in the middle. You know what, sir? I think we actually found a new niche for Hallmark.

They got to have one where there was something sexually weird happened and the other person is embarrassed. The other person doesn't judge him and wants him back. You could have those cards. Let's see if I can come up with one here. That actually rhymes. Dear lady, you got a little shady. I still love you.

I don't know if you puked at my dick and balls. I don't know how to fucking get somewhere in there. Wrap ups. Okay, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. Once again, I feel absolutely horrible that people actually came out to that... to the fucking El Paso show. I don't know what happened.

I don't know if you missed an email or what, but it seemed like there were enough people showed up that the ball got dropped somewhere. I announced it here in the podcast. I don't know. Anyways, my apologies. Wrap ups. Okay, now that the show's over,

don't forget to support our sponsors. This is really important. This is how I make money on this thing and I don't have to charge anybody shit. Once again, get started with a free 30-day trial of Evoise. Evoise gives you a toll-free number. Don't free your local number so you can make business calls from anywhere

and always sounds like you're at the office. Right now, go to evoise.com. Enter the promo code BIL for your 30-day free trial. That's evoise.com, promo code BIL, or go to the podcast page, billbird.com, and click on the Evoise banner. Support this podcast. Get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus

when you go to the podcast page, billbird.com, and click the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com slash bill. That's huluplus.com slash bill. That's the podcast for this week. Once again, my apologies to everybody who went down to the show and I'll pass so I feel horrible about it. Everybody else, go fuck yourselves. Have a great week.

That's it. I'll talk to you later. Where's the stop button? There it is. Oh, yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese with a lot of meat. Download the My De Leise app and cook with it. Yeah, great. De Leise. Live with it.