Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-7-14

Episode Date: August 4, 2014

Bill rambles about Charlie Chaplin's cousin, uniforms in sports and what it takes to produce a 13 pound baby.

Even though woolly mammoths have been extinct for tens of thousands of years with the metaverse students will be able to go back to the ice age to visit them The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday August 4th 2000 and fucking 14 You know what I'm gonna energy my way through energy I'm gonna energy my fucking way through this podcast. It is Sunday night If you need to know wait, I got to make sure my windows are closed because I have a feeling I'm gonna be screaming Close this one over here. That's all good. We got it all airtight my little podcast panic room

Here we go. All right. How unprofessional is that you can hear me walking across the room, and I think that that's the appeal of this podcast You know the listeners feel like they're actually in the room with you shut up you over-analyzing cunt You don't host a podcast. You don't do anything creative. So you don't know what the listener is doing In order for you to know what the listener is doing you'd have to interview a whole fucking bunch of them to try to get a vibe All right there podcast weekly or whatever fucking magazine you're right for I Didn't ask for your review There is no review. There is no podcast, but this is just frustration

This is just frustration because I got a bunch of shit. I got to do tomorrow. What are you gonna do tomorrow, Bill? Well, I'm gonna have another meeting another meeting about the downstairs that I had that evidently was fucking built By whoever owned this house back in the 1950s. Oh God, what a shit show. What a fucking Shit show. Hey buy a house Buy a house. It's a good investment. It's a you know in life. You have you have You have assets and you have liabilities that you get a house. That's a fucking bullshit. I Don't want to hear it

You know what a house is like on in a house is like having a fucked up kid Okay, who's just never gonna get his shit together Okay, and the mom keeps taking his side And you're like, no, he's a bum. He's a bum. He needs to get a fucking job. He needs to do something But the mom just thinks it's cute as somebody knocking who's knocking my being too loud Is that some fucking squirrel that moved in downstairs to my fucking house? Oh I Swear to God. I don't even care anymore. I do care if if if hey, what was that knocking Nia?

Was that you okay, were you knocking at me because I was being too loud, okay? All right. Anyways What the fuck was I? Was I talking about squirrel moving in downstairs, you know what jokes on you squirrel jokes on you You were better off in that fucking tree. At least that tree wasn't all rotted out These fucking assholes have whoever built this shit I hope if you're fucking still alive and you're listening to this you're probably laughing Because you remember when you built the shit you didn't know what you were doing. I

Literally had wood You like in dirt like they built the wall into dirt Okay, now. I wasn't the greatest. I wasn't the smartest in shop class, but I knew that you didn't fucking put a wall into dirt. Oh My god, I swear to God if I could if I could do this all over again If I could do this all over again, you know, I would have been condo guy No, but then I still would have had to fix it That's it's a fucking shit show. It really is. It's just an absolute shit show and So I'm having I think it's the final meeting

With these guys where now we're finally just gonna be like well, this is the last wall This is the last part of the downstairs that we've uncovered so they can't possibly Be anything more fucked up So that's the only that's the only thing I Feel I only that's the only light At the end of the tunnel at this point where it's just like there's nothing left that hasn't been pulled apart That that that can be fucked up and now we start all over again So those of you who've been following this fucking story

About my house, you might remember last week that I had that little funny thing where they pulled away the plaster and there was dirt behind the wall Held back by a giant plastic tarp Okay, I Mean this fucking I swear to God there there are huts in the third world That are built better than the bottom of my fucking house was Jesus Christ Zero effort Zero effort all they did they just fucking nailed shit together and it's still like tree forts

Tree forts are built better than the fucking downstairs Jesus fucking Christ, I found out the fuck it's You're like, yeah, the dirt's really wet the dirt's really wet. Yeah, it's because this the fucking Water main whenever the sprinkler comes on that I got a fucking lake out in my front yard right up next to the foundation No, that's always good. That's always a good place for a nice fucking Your own private pond Every fucking morning. Oh, yeah, that's not good. That's not good. We need to replace that of course you do of course You do why don't we just knock the whole fucking thing down and we'll start over again

All right, and so I can somehow make money like half of this I'll turn into a fucking pizza hut All right, and I'll try to get some of that that fat fuck money To maybe pay for the other half of the house and then maybe I can buy out the guy who bought the fucking pizza hut Whatever, you know what I mean? You don't know what I mean unless you fucking been in this situation if you have if you have been then my fucking Goes out it goes out to you Goes out to you whatever whatever Whatever all I know

The dream people the dream was that this fucking thing was going to be done right before football season Okay, and I was gonna go out and buy a new flat-screen TV Okay, I don't have many dates in the fall. I was actually gonna be home I can enjoy the NFL package as it happens Right that was the fucking dream But you know as I say that there's political prisoners being tortured all around the fucking world You know that that's when you know your house is fucked up when you have to think about somebody getting water boarded to be like Well, it's not that bad

It's really not that bad You know I was thinking about that today when I went out to go get some fucking dinner I'm gonna pick up a couple of burgers and You know I'm sitting there, you know texting with the lovely Nia going like do you want a vanilla chocolate chip cookie? Ice cream sandwich, or do you want the salt and caramel with snickerdoodles? Okay, and I'm actually getting frustrated because she didn't write me back And I know the burgers are coming and then I'm calling her and she's not picking up Because she's watching, you know orange is the new black

You know basically Clam Oz for those of you who want to get caught up I I Can't watch that fucking show I can't watch it. I Just I they feel like they talk too much and there's not enough just fucking people getting stabbed I know they're women. I know they're more fucking advanced than a socially but at the end of the day It's a bunch of prisoners. They're in there for a reason. I Want to see more stabbings and less talk. I never even watched like fucking probably three minutes collectively of all

Oz and it was like that's what I thought prison was This is fucking horrific and that show was even toned down. I couldn't watch it So anyway, she wasn't picking up the phone and I'm literally getting frustrated and then I realized just the ridiculousness Of the whole thing so I just sort of sent her a text. I wrote all in caps Hey, get your face out of the computer a decision needs to be made, you know, like it was really important Which one I'm gonna get her so I went with the fucking classic Vanilla and chocolate chip, you know sort of a metaphor for the two of us. Oh Jesus, right and

Then she calls back, you know the second you make the order then, you know, your fucking girl's gonna call Actually, I wanted the truffle oil fucking With the fucking licorice in it, but fortunately She heard the angst in my voice and she just she just went with the with the classic You know what I mean? Let me it big to be honest with you Like how out of control is your food addiction when you you order a salt and caramel Sugar salt and throw a fucking candy bar in there, too You know, that's like speedballing like speedballing if I can talk speedballing with a little dessert

So anyways That's my life. That's all I have to talk about. It's all I have to talk about is that oh other than that, yeah This motorcycle somebody had loaned me I told you guys I fucking I decided to to give it back and The guy just sold it as fucking killing me. I know I made the smart move You know riding a motorcycle in LA is It's like riding a motorcycle in Los Angeles, I mean, there's no other way to put it It's just fucking it's it's it's just too many goddamn people

You know, you know, like if I was a dictator All right, and I just was just complete sociopath just didn't give a shit about the fifth commandment the amount of people that I would have eliminated in This city just in general So I could get around a little bit better and I could ride a motorcycle everyone said well fuck. I'm a dictator, right? I should tell you know, I should ride around when everybody else has curfew when they're supposed to be home You know But then I couldn't ride around I'd be worried I'd be the only guy out there and everybody would know it's me

And then everyone would resent me so then I'd get fucking whacked See this is why Dictators have to kill so many fucking people Because when you try to run the whole thing yourself You just can't get past the level of resentment. So you have all this power and you can't go anywhere So you got to kill a bunch of people. That's basically it. It's common sense What are you gonna do? Has there ever been a dictator that just backtracked and was just like I listen man like I know I killed a lot of people. I you know, I got a little carried away. Yeah, you know, I had a plan and

You know, it's not working. It's not working So I'd like you to forget about all those people that I killed You know a lot of them probably friends and family admitted admittedly. I got a little crazy for the last 12 years But I just kind of want to ride a motorcycle And I don't want you guys to shoot me so let me finish so I've decided that ice cream is legal again and that you know people can go outside Whenever they want until like 2 a.m. How about that? Is that better? Is that better? Are you guys starving so much that you can't send an email at this point? Oh, that's right

I outlawed the internet. I forgot about that. Is anybody even listening to this? Anybody um Yeah, that's too much stress being a dictator You know, I understand them though. I Understand you probably think that I'm fucking nuts when you know, you know what I say, you know what I say to you Mr. You know, I fucking drive to work and I drive home Mrs. I go to the fucking gym and I got my own little fucking Online frequency business, whatever the fuck you do. All right, I want you to start traveling

Okay, and you go out there You see what you see and then you fucking report back to me and I want you to then With a straight face. Tell me that you don't understand dictators a little more Come on You're gonna see what I see you're gonna go out there and You're gonna see First of all, you're gonna I don't what the fuck you're gonna see you just you know what it is You're gonna come you're gonna become grumpy like me. That's what it really is. There's nothing to do with seeing shit

You're just Sick of standing in lines You know, you sick of that cut in front of you Recline in a seat on the fucking plane You know, you sick of fucking people Who engage in conversation with the cashier, you know Little fucking idle chit chat Yeah, I know it really has been raining out with it, you know those fucking people

Okay, it's not you keep it going Keep the fucking line going You cunt now that you're up there, you don't give it now You got all fucking day two seconds ago. You were in line with me exchanging looks like you fall believe us Yeah, and then you get up there. What do you do? You become part of the fucking problem? Right, you know what I say my little fucking interstellar and I say From my world, you're gone you're done you're going right to a fucking labor camp Okay, you want to check check go break some fucking rocks and talk to people

Oh Jesus and then not all this has to do with the fact that I just want to see the downstairs in my house again You know psyched I was to finally be out of an apartment and to have stairs that I walked down that didn't lead out to the street Actually led to more rooms Oh my god, I swear to God I Swear to God Never again never again Who's kidding who what am I gonna do am I going back to an apartment smelling other people's food and hearing their arguments?

listening to them fuck Right, I don't want to do that either That's it Stuck with this place so they're gonna fix it right Okay, I could have done a half-assed job, but you know what I chose to fight back I show was what I chose to fucking Fix it the right way and it is costing me a fortune. It's costing me a fortune everybody. Oh My god, well, you know we could we could we could do this and That'll last like six fucking years or we could do it the right way and it'll cost nine zillion dollars

Oh, what do you want? What do we think I'm gonna say do it the wrong way? Ah It's not the construction people's fault in case they're listening to this I know it's the cunts who lived here before me, but it's just it's just I'm just getting to that point It's getting to that fucking point. I want it to start. I want the rebuild to start I want to stop the tearing down and having to Refix all the fucking shit so we can just build something on it. Oh man. I swear to God I swear to God. I need like three boxes of fucking tampons this week

Feels good though feels good to get that out. So anyways, how what's going on in your world? Hmm? What am I there's no fucking way I just ragged for 15 minutes on that I think I did I Think I did let's see what happened to me last week. What happened to me this week Anything anything of of merit, you know what I was sort of podcast boy this week a Couple days ago. I went on the podcast professor blast off with Tignitaro Kyle Dunnigan and David Huntsburger and had a great time on that one. I don't know I think I want to say that one comes out

No, I don't know when that one comes out and then today I did Kevin Pollock's which was fucking awesome because I've been watching that guy in movies for like 20 years and He has this awesome podcast slash talk show thing. It's videoed video taped Live to tape whatever the fuck they did over there as a whole studio, you know, and I did that today and that one is gonna be out on Tuesday And generally speaking I got along very well With Kevin Pollock until the end when after I left he did the all we had a gift bag for you God damn it. I forgot to give it to you and that old trick That old trick in other words, I know what he was saying if you did a better job

We had a free t-shirt for you So just to let you know the level that I performed on you know Kevin is old-school show business Okay, you either bring it and you get the free t-shirt or you don't and and then that's it You just get a text message fucking with you, man. I had a great time and I Hope you guys watch it because it's a really really cool one and I think I found another person I could smoke a cigar with Which is awesome and it's scaring the shit out of me considering

Tony Gwynne and now I'm seeing you know, Jim Kelly also had some sort of mouth cancer or whatever one of the fuck it was And I'm sitting there watching this tear-jerk story and I'm halfway through it and I start thinking that I smoke cigars and I'm just like I really got to lay off this fucking habit and You know just space it out. I'll space it out a little bit more You know, you know when you have a bad habit what you do is you look for the Keith Richards of your habit? And if they're still alive, then you can lie to yourself that you're okay Like Verzi always brings up Schwarzenegger He's just like dude. I heard I heard that that guy never doesn't have a cigar in his mouth

That's what he says. That's the level of the lie that we're telling each other Because that's how much we that we enjoy him, but Whatever I hadn't had one since Montreal Which was Saturday, so I went eight days So if I smoked one once every eight days, that would be like what? Three or four a month as the overlap that changed there, which would be 36 to 48 a year Jesus Fuck what happened to me? Um

Billy used to be such a good boy. What happened? You start hanging around the wrong people Uh, that was my generic just off the boat accent. How do you like that? See Kevin Pollock fuck with that one Anyways, E voice everybody, let's do a little advertising for this week to help pay for the downstairs E voice everybody if you take all your business calls yourself It's really hard to look like a professional, isn't it or to get anything done You're being a secretary and you're trying to drive the ship at the same time. Are there secretaries on boats? I don't think so, but you know what I'm saying Anyways by helping you expertly manage all of your business calls

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Bravo India What is the phonetic? What it what is that one? I? Always forget L Whatever LL upon checkout to get to your special offer Make sure you hurry because this offer will end soon go to E voice comm and enter the Promo code Bravo India Lima Lima. That's E voice comm promo code bill okay

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Fixing the bottom of a house. I don't know how they do it. It's really amazing what they do Actually, I still go down there when I block out how much money I'm spending I go down there And I look at what these guys are doing because I you know, I got I'm getting this thing done first clash Hence financially, I'm taking it in the age but It's gonna be great When it is done, and I know a lot of you why don't you take some before and after pictures? You know of it of your house, and I say yeah, well, why don't you let me hang out with your baby you fucking weirdo This isn't enough. I'm sitting here sitting here in my goddamn house talking to you

It's just never enough with some of you people And I for one have had it. I'm taking it out on everybody Okay Whoever that cunt was that fucking put the wood in the dirt You know can't talk to your spirit because you're probably dead if you were dumb enough to do something like that There's no way you live beyond the fucking Lyndon Johnson What if that spirit is still in this house you know

Because they're an unsettled soul. They're gonna get mad at me right now. You shouldn't be should be laughing at me All right, ghost of fucked up past What if there's weird noises that only you guys can hear right now I can't hear Is that fucking guy you think I did a bad job saying huh? That was my 1950s guy you know Sorry, how fuck you you wing a podcast every goddamn week All right. Um, what can we talk about next? Oh, hey, I actually I Played a bunch of drums this week. That's what I did

I got out of the house and I just went such a great fucking hobby to have when you're hemorrhaging cash it's great to be out there and Be able to hit something and I Go through different phases. I either listen to some really new shit or I go back and I listen to some old shit and I've been listening to a bunch of new shit recently like I started listening to like top 40 music just you know just every once in a while is You stand on stage with the microphone you kind of got to check in on what younger kids are listening to even though I know it's not all of them, but uh

Dude, there's a fucking song I must have heard 50 times in a week listening to pop radio top 40 because they played the same fucking two songs It seems even though it's top 40 math doesn't work out, but you know what I'm saying This is fucking song I I Finally after like the 50th time of hearing it, you know, that's why you got to be so rude Don't you know, I'm human too. I'm gonna marry you anyway That's stupid fucking song. Do you know for the longest time? I listen to that song for the longest time me the last week

I thought he was talking to the woman. He was gonna marry Going why you being so rude Don't you know, I'm human too obviously she's hurting his feelings and he's gonna marry her anyways I'm sitting on do what are you doing put the brakes on This is not the move you want to be making she's being rude to you and you got to remind her that you're a fucking human being I mean, that's It's kind of a red flag, right? I know dr. Phil wouldn't stand for it, but then again, it's the guy being shit on so he knows where his bread's butter

You need to be more human That's what that fucking corrupt cop-looking jackass would say I actually wouldn't fuck with that guy. I feel like that guy he seems like he's really tall and Like he wouldn't have a problem with murdering somebody You know and he fucking lean on you like a heavyweight too and just wear you out Feel them all up on you. You know, he's got a hairy chest with that fucking bald head Um Anyways, so it turns out that song why you got to be so who that fucking he's talking to the the

The dude who's gonna be his father-in-law Hey, I just took the whole song just fell apart for me Why you got to be so rude it's like first of all stupid if If your potential father-in-law doesn't think That you're good enough for his daughter. Why don't you clean up your English a little bit? You said that to your potential father-in-law why you got to be so rude And you go I'm gonna marry her anyway You know what the father-in-law is right fuck whoever sang that song you don't deserve her

You know Unless she's a dumb cunt, that's how I feel about that song everybody so anyways Hey Bill, it's top 40. Why are you taking it so seriously? What was another song I kept hearing I kept hearing that song where that girl was she was kind of over Putting her hands in the air. Oh Really are you kind of over it? That's why you wrote a whole fucking song about it. Oh Oh Jesus none of this has to do with anything other than the fucking crater that I've said is below me right now

Jesus Christ You know what I'm gonna contact Tom Hanks on Twitter and see if he'll come up over to my house and I'm just gonna stand downstairs And I want him to look down my stairs and do that fucking laugh That's my little make-a-wish like when he did when he when he had the money pit if he could just do that for me Maybe it would be better Well, wouldn't that make me Shelly long Shelly Don't I met the chick of my dreams fucking name is Shelly

Could you fuck a girl named Shelly? No Shelly Shelly Something you're getting laid the 1920s Oh Ethel, um, I know this podcast is all over the fucking place. Oh Ethel that sounds like a lifetime show. Oh, Ethel You old bag of shit All right, let's try to get this podcast back on track here. What was I gonna talk about?

I was going in a direction. Oh, yeah, so I played a bunch of drums this week and I I Don't know I did the usual shit I like playing to some of the like whatever fucking rap hip-hop whatever the fuck you call it that Nia listens to always ends up filtering into my shit so she's listening to this little Wayne stuff and That shit's always fun to play drums to because first of all they do shit that you know, you need an extra limb for You know what I mean because they can do can keep I don't like the hi-hat going why they're doing fills and that type of stuff so it's kind of a

What the fuck song was I listening to? Was it blue sky blue sky I see you with my red eye, but you're fucking great Turn your shit to red wine. Don't fuck up my high n-word. I'm too gone by and wish you get dick weed and ignore That's a DW. I something my head's crawling my shit fucking my bleep bleep bleep bleep that fucking song That song when he gets into that part We start seeing shit. I don't know what it is like that fucking makes me want to go work out or something. I Really enjoy it. God damn it. So I was listening to that and then also I Went back and I was playing to I

Went back to my my old my old days Memories I went back to Motley crew doctor feel good and I gotta tell you Tommy Lee Brutally underrated as a drummer Just fucking brutally underrated as a drummer He was respected in the 80s and then somewhere in the 90s You know what happened the sex tape came out He had his dick blowing the horn on a boat going fucking rad man that kind of canceled out a lot Lot of the great drum parts

If you're a drummer if you just a fan of music just go back and listen to that song all this shit That's going on in that song and I was you know, it's funny I was trying to explain it to Nia today and like, you know, she always just looks at me like it's adorable How much I like drums in that? You know women look at you when you talk about your hobby They don't give a fuck They like it that you have your little hobby, but you know women don't if you're not making money off of it

If at the end of all of it, they don't get a pair of shoes. They just they don't give a shit So she's looking at me like I'm adorable when I'm sitting there talking about how that like He does this thing that part was I got one thing you understand He's playing the bell on the offbeat and then he comes back playing it on the beat Right as he's crashing The cymbals and all that it's one of the most fun songs. They ever tried to fucking break down in a while To try and play. It's got all these different sections

Like I'm a fucking nerd for this shit. This is like this is how much of a fucking nerd I am Like I actually wrote it out. I'm gonna look at my iPhone here A section then there's the B section to the C Back to B Back to C Then B then D Then B then C then B then D again then back to a then D then an E section Where the fuck did that come from and then D and then they ride out in this F

Fucking unreal in the B section they play four fucking times and every other time they play two times and they fucking did this shit while on heroin Entertaining tens of thousands of people at the same fucking time. It's just one song And I got to say something Tommy the unbelievable fucking drums on that song and really tasty Just tasty shit that he did it know they like oh he's got I Don't know you guys aren't drummers. What the fuck? I don't know why I'm talking about this shit Whatever it was my one little fucking ray of light this week. What do you want for me?

so I sat down and Tried to figure out that whole song. That's what I did this week to distract myself Because you know the running joke in this house is when this when we hear the noise downstairs is I always go near do you hear that? That's the sound of progress So what are going to start crying if this project doesn't turn the corner I think I'm just gonna get a knapsack Like a stick with the red handkerchief, and I'm gonna make a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I'm just gonna walk away from this fucking thing

Christ When is it gonna turn around you know if the Cleveland Browns were a house? How many fucking losing seasons can we have when are we gonna pick the right quarterback? Whatever whatever The fuck It is what it is. It has to be done It has to be done out and I tell you that my sink upstairs shit the bed And we had a plumber come over and look at it and he's just like yeah, you need a whole new sink

Oh You know I wanted to I wanted to turn I Wanted to turn into Anthony Michael Hall in that moment when he's in the breakfast club, you know when he starts crying When he goes do you know why I'm here? Like I wanted to I wanted to do that to that guy I wanted to fucking Cover my eyes like Anthony Michael Hall did and D Brown did in the dunking contest and I was just gonna fucking cry and tell him that I'm here because I was told that a house was a good investment

And my entertainment would have been how fucking uncomfortable he was But of course, I pussied out and I didn't do it. I Was just like you can't just fucking Just rip out what's underneath there and still well, I mean I could do that I mean I could do that, but I'm just letting you know that you know, there's no guarantee Dad right rip it out Rip the whole fucking thing I know what's gonna happen I don't want him to go under there because I know when he goes into that wall is gonna be something else

You know Jesus Christ, it's probably a fucking body in there. I mean, that's the only thing it's only thing else. I haven't found You know, you know when they first fucking had the water damaged down there the goddamn Tree fort of a walk-in closet they had when they were pulling this shit out There was all these rat turds and crap that God knows how long they fucking been in there So at some point There was a family of something living in the walls here. What kind of fucking animals? And all they did was set up traps

I don't know I just Shit show absolute shit show God, I wish I knew how to drive a bulldozer You know, I'd steal one and get bulldozer insurance and then I'd fucking drive it through this house And then I just play it off. I was in bed Well, we found the stolen bulldozer right up the street Anyway, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? It is what it is. It is what it is. Okay? I you know, I gotta be honest. This is the first time I've really lost my shit

Other than that, I've been fine. Okay, I kind of lost my shit and speaking of Losing their shit or at least shitting the bed. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait I was talking about the drumming thing because I had to go around to I wanted to help a Friend of the podcast here Benny Grebb He's one of the greatest new drummers to come along that I've seen in a long time yet an unbelievable his last DVDs Instructional DVD was incredible and right now. He's trying to raise money because these things are not cheap to make and

But he still wants to make one rather than just do these stupid little YouTube videos He really wants to to do it the right way So he's trying to raise some money if you like the musical ads This guy is just top shelf artists and his heart's in the right place And I know he's gonna make a killer DVD So if you'd like to donate if rather than donate to the podcast this week if you'd like to donate to I'll have the link up to Benny Grebb's Project that he's working on I think he's like a little over halfway for the amount of money that he needs to

To raise so whatever you can throw his way a buck anything will help And That would be that would be the mean of mean a lot to me All right, give me a little ray of light with all the bullshit going on downstairs. All right, Benny Grebb be enny g re be And we'll have the link of everything up on my the Twitter Whatever the fuck you say the Twitter handle in my website. All right, there you go. So anyways, and I was saying oh, yeah speaking of shitting the bed Boston Red Sox Jesus Christ. What happened? Well, I should put on the Yankees tonight and I missed it but

Kind of wish it meant something But but it's not bad when the World Series last year and the year before that we totally shit the bed So I think this is this is the new Red Sox You know, we win it and then we go off the rails. Let me go ahead and what are we doing? What are we doing guys? What are we doing? We're supposed to we're supposed to win yet win the games win the games and then we come back So from what I've heard we've been We've just been cut and bait I think we've kind of just sitting ain't happening

This year. So, you know, it's a weird thing. That's when my loyalty goes through the fucking roof That's when I really start tuning in You know, because I feel like it's just gonna get back to like basics and people who just give a fuck are gonna go to the games And they're gonna pay attention as opposed to the what? That that is I love that dirty water I only show up when they win So anyways, I'm actually as a baseball fan I'm torn with the Yankees right now because the Yankees I want them to shit the bed

But I don't want Derek Jeter's career to end. I want it to keep going as much as my whole Time watching I will couldn't wait for the guy to retire because he was killing us for all those years now He's actually gonna retire and it's making me sad and I'd like to I'd like to see him go into the playoffs Lose of course, but you know get a couple extra Derek Jeter games You know, is that so wrong? All right, what else oh For those of you who haven't been on my website lately lately

Or for those of you who've listened to this podcast a lot, you know once a year I go to a big college game the cup of my buddies and the pride of New Jersey Paul Verzi and This year last year we went to The Aggies versus Alabama saw Johnny football, which I'm really hoping he has a great career. First of all I I've told you this before I think the Cleveland Browns have one of the best uniforms in all the professional sports I just love the colors the simplicity of the uniform You know, it's like everything that like all it like the direction that uniforms are going in

As cool as Oregon the Oregon Ducks uniform is they've kind of started like a fashion shit show in Football where everybody's trying to have these disco uniforms and I'm telling you is cool as they look right now in Like ten years, they're gonna look like Do you guys seen that picture of the rock? Early on in his career that's been going around we're re-standing there with the flat top and the fanny pack With the shirt tucked into the the fucking dad jeans Which we all look like back then in defense of him like I think a lot of these uniforms are gonna look like that Whereas the Cleveland Browns is just timeless

Original NFL uniform and I love despite the fact that they've had a rough go of it They have not given in to that stupid. Hey, let's get the fan base excited again And let's just totally fuck with the one great part of our tradition and mess with our uniforms But I haven't tell you how much I hate the New England Patriots fucking uniform. I I Can't it's I have this weird thing where the old one makes me sick to my stomach whenever they go back to it Because those were such miserable years so many of them But I tell you the old uniform with the black cleats. I

I Don't know I like that one better I like the the jets were smart to go back to their other one their original one the Joe Willie one and I like that Buffalo has gone back they've gone back to the white helmet, right? I always forget after football season is over, but they still kind of kept the You know the buffalo with the Number one NHL had the little trail behind the puck for fuckheads who couldn't see You know a black object against a white surface. They had to have that little trail

They had that I like it when it was just when OJ was playing when it was just the buffalo just standing there I thought it the buffalo look way better You know what I mean look like a pillar of strength standing there as opposed to that little cartoon thing But they at least went back to the white helmet That's a great one Chicago Bears is a great one Vikings Green Bay Packers. There's a lot especially in that NFC. I Don't know what the fuck they call it now NFC north maybe the Norris The central whatever the fuck they call it

I Don't know this they I think so many the helmets they kind of got them right the raiders have kept theirs Who's really fucked with theirs Seattle really fucked with theirs, but I felt that they did that in a good way like I actually like their new uniforms There was a period between what they're doing now in the Jim Zorn helmet, which I liked the best there was a Different period in there when they went to those darker uniforms and I just didn't like him like I think the Tampa Bay Buccaneers I fucking hate that uniform. I

Like that old one just ride it out Ride it out and eventually you're gonna get good and then you got you have all that tradition behind it like the 40 You didn't actually realize the 49ers were a fucking joke when I was growing up they were fucking horrific and They just couldn't get anything done and then Joe Montana comes in the entire and Bill Walsh the whole thing changed now you look at that that same logo and you look at it like I See that that that uniform and to me that means championship means like success There's another good one the Giants went back to their old one like that. I think football is doing it right for the most part

So I guess it's just college football is that what my problem is no, I don't know let's take a collar Whatever so as I was mentioning so we go to one big football game every year and This year it's lining up. I think we're gonna go to Miami Hurricanes for us Florida State and what's cool is the Dolphins play the bills on that Thursday night so the Friday night we're gonna play one of those improvs down there and And then the Saturday we're going to the game. It's gonna be the shit Telling you right now. It's gonna be the fucking shit and

That is my little beacon of light that I'm looking forward to other than continuing to try to fucking play to more Motley Crew stuff because Yeah, like I said, I think Tommy Lee's really underrated So anyways, all right, so I've run my mouth long enough, let's do a little fucking advertising I'll get into the the questions For this week Alright, where are we? Where are we? The hell is this? Not the questions. I gotta do the was I saying I was gonna do the the advertising that's right

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All right, let's let's get into the questions. Oh by the way, I got a couple things to hype here Nick Youssef Phenomenal up-and-coming comic up and coming to me. He's a vet at this point. He knows what he's doing you give him a mic He knows which way to stand he knows how to tell them jokes Seriously, this guy's you know, I play down the comedy store a lot This is one of the guys that I every time I see him. He's better He's got his own voice and he recently he is releasing his first stand-up album Tuesday And I'm gonna tweet the link when it comes out and if you're into stand-up comedy the way I am

You will download this and you will laugh your ass off. You'll be like goddamn it fuck Bill Burr I'm gonna go see Nick Youssef. All right, that's Tuesday. All right, and also speaking of Tuesday Tuesday night All things comedy network Myself and Al Madrigal will be hosting the second live podcast show on Sunset Boulevard At Nerdmelt on Tuesday night. We will also tweet that link as well. And And that's it, I guess the only thing I have to say is My condolences to Steve Steven A. Smith You know, I don't know the guy said you shouldn't hit a woman

He said that and then he was trying to get 360 degrees dialogue going with this awful problem And he got railroaded by a bunch of fucking psychos Who you know unless you just say exactly what they want you to say the way they want you to say it They get you suspended and Shame on those fucking cowards that employ him They suspended him in these fucking cycles. It's a spend them long enough Unfucking believable. The guy literally says you shouldn't hit a woman. Isn't that your message? You know

God forbid he tries to open up more of a dialogue. Okay, you don't agree with them fine. You got to suspend the guy. I Don't understand this whole fucking thing now. We have you buddy get suspended or they get fired like does that change the person's opinion? You know, does it help the problem? Let's just say let's just say you actually say something ignorant people should be allowed To be ignorant not hateful, but you should be allowed to be ignorant And then you should as an adult be able to come to them. Just say hey listen our perspective is this It kind of seemed like you were saying this when you said X Y and Z is that what you're saying because that's how we interpret it and then he could be like an adult

No, I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry. You meant that you it sounded that way What I was saying was this and he could be fucking adults rather than this this this this fucking McCarthyism like witch hunt now that goes on every time anybody says something other than the exact line of bullshit That's some stupid fucking group want you to say It's not a stupid fucking group, but you got you're acting like a bunch of children I mean what this guy's got a I understand it He said you should never hit a woman and you completely ignore that part. What do you do this part over here? What about your ass?

Alright I want to be your roadie What's going on here with my computer? Why did it just stop? No more fucking pop-ups. I Command thee. All right, Bill. I want to be your roadie. Hello, Bill I'm a very loving and kind Englishman who wants to be your roadie now Jesus Now I want to

Now I want to do this as you are a stand-up comic and only use a mic and this works for me because I'm a lazy cunt Who won't even carry my own drums let alone anyone else's shit But I think I can push myself to hand you a mic Don't ask me to book hotels as you will find yourself sleeping in your rental car Don't ask me to get you food as I'll go and get I'll go and get it But we'll probably eat it and don't ask me to do any phone calls I like this guy's being up front or male as it just won't happen You won't even use periods you fucking asshole or capital letters

He says I've been told I'm a bit of a lazy bastard This is true as you can probably tell from the lack of grammar and spell check in this email I think 25% of the takings per show is a fair wage email me back and let me know when I start Actually, don't bother as I probably won't show. Yeah, just forget the job. I got to play All right, I got to play Xbox. Sorry. I thought that said XOX. I got to play Xbox All right, sir. Well, you know something I Got to respect your honesty Um

Yeah, well, you know if you've ever, you know, you whenever Xbox ends If the next time you email you actually use periods and and capital letters to start a sentence to help me out I see that you're actually beginning to take this job that you're not going to get seriously And that's what I need to see from you if you want to make it to the second the second round It's like a reality show Who wants to be a roadie? On a tour where that job doesn't exist. All right heist Dear Billy Big Shot, if you were to pull off a heist with famous actors, who would it be?

You've trashed Clint Eastwood for trashing this generation as being soft while he only played a hard guy on film Assuming you or Lee Marvin are the captains of the squad and you put together pick four guys All right, well Lee Marvin's definitely in it. That guy was a war vet Who has a purple heart and actually was one of the few guys that survived from his platoon? Definitely him Charles Bronson Grew up in working in mines In Poland. He actually had abs in the 1960s. You realize how hard that was like nobody even knew how to do that There was no like fucking, you know cut out your carbs. It was none of that shit

He just had him because he lived a life We if you had abs back in the day you had him because you either fucking worked in a mine You know or for the circus on a trapeze or some shit. So look those would definitely be two At this point I got to keep with those two being in it. I got it. I got to kick myself out of the out of the group What am I the mascot? I'm like the radar O'Reilly Pick four guys. All right, so I went to old school guys. I'd have to do two We're two new people It's that weird thing where you got to be tough and I also think that you would rob somebody

Fuck I don't know Jesus Christ, what the fuck is you know Clint Eastwood might have been right I Don't care if you are tough if you get your hair highlighted this I just I don't know if I would want to try to commit a crime with you Oh, I know I know who's that guy in in Heat sighs more. He's a bit of a wild car, but you got to have one of those guys Plus he doesn't seem like he'd rat you out. So I have that guy in there And then I'd be there. I'd be the guy in front of the bank Driving the getaway car and I'd probably take off like Bobby and fucking Saturday Night Fever. Where were you guys?

I was looking for you I think it's more interesting to say what I would try to pull off Yeah, you really wouldn't want to know what I pull off I probably get in trouble if I said it Let's just say No, I'm not gonna say what I would I would do But it would definitely involve a rifle with a scope and a silencer and Maybe a gated community Yeah, I know I wouldn't do something like that if you could find out

You know what I wouldn't I went I couldn't kill somebody I could take a paint gun You know, I would like to shoot at some people that work for like the heads of corporations Like take like GM where they knew they had a faulty ignition switch and they just like let eight people die And rather than get and put on trial for being fucking murderers, they're just gonna buy their way out of it. It'd be fun You know if you just knew who they were because none of them are guilty because the corporation laid the decision You just shoot one of them in the neck the paintball From across the street. You just hear that sound when it fucking hits them yet. Yeah, watch the guy crumple Maybe something like that

What can I say I'm a punk. I'm not a tough guy punk. I'm gonna shoot shoot a fucking banker from across the street with a paint gun You can go to jail for that Think they give you a time out Alright next question is Fat little brother. Oh God ill bill I'm about to transfer to a university a few hundred miles away from home, but something has been weighing on my mind And I'd like to see if you have any advice

My younger brother is getting pretty fucking fat He's only 11 and while my mom obviously pumps out big kids. I was born at 13 pounds Holy shit how big is your mother's pussy? Sorry? He at 11 I Was a 10 pounder you know, I Was a fucking little baby tuna myself So I shouldn't say stuff like that and both of us have always been at least a head taller than our peers

Oh, you're like you guys are these corn fed kids Nebraska, Iowa Offensive line white guys. That's what I'm guessing And both of us have always been at least a head taller than our peers since he was about nine He started shoving every piece of fatty or sweet food into his mouth and taking it to a new limit He's ten years younger Well shit, you know you were 13 pounds of course your mother need a break He was ten years younger and at least six inches shorter dude a woman given birth to a 13 pound kid The reason why they took a ten fucking she took a ten-year break

That was like when the Rangers signed a rod to a 250 million dollar contract. It took him ten years to fucking recover from that That make any sense, you know, I don't know anyways He's ten years younger at least six inches shorter than me But is nearly the same waist size 34. Oh my god. He's got 34 inch waist. How tall is he? Because I was a big kid too. I know how shitty is to be overweight Especially at that age the fat jokes are relatively easy to take but it sucks knowing that girls just won't be into you The way you are I want him to to go I don't want him to go through that and I especially don't want him to run out to run into any health problems associated with obesity

Yeah, I mean this kid could get like that childhood diabetes The worst thing is my parents don't do anything about it and get mad at me when I try to talk to him Him or them to try and work on it. It seems like That no matter how gently I put it They think that I'm just making fun of him or being kind of new-age diet freak or something Well, I'm gonna guess that your parents are probably not in the best shape either Or they're just those parents that just love their kids so much to a fault that actually sometimes they might be hurting them

Where they need a little bit of tough love I said I also get the feeling that they are ashamed of how fat they have allowed him to get and just try to avoid the negative feelings that They have when confronted with it. Okay, now I'm thinking they're in shape He goes, I'm gonna lost at what to do and I don't want to come home from school to a miserable sick sickly fat So of a little brother if you have any thoughts on how I can approach this I would really appreciate it Thanks and go fuck yourself. Um, first of all, you're a great older brother Sound very caring individual and you're trying to please everybody So there's two ways to do this

You can go scarface You know put on a tuxedo and get a little drunk and Just fucking just say everything you have to say and then walk out say goodnight to the bad guy The last time you're gonna see a bad guy and in this good of shape you could go out like that or you could I Think this is a this is a two-pronged attack here What you have to do is you have to sit down with your parents first and Considering you've tried talking them face-to-face and that hasn't worked for some reason a letter seems to work

If you sit down and you write a letter I might give it to your mother first because you know divide and conquer women are much more Emotionally advanced than guys are So I would try to get her on your side first And just say that you know just basically say what you said to me a little less harsh without the F words I know that you were trying to make it probably funny for the podcast, which I appreciate But that's what I would do and then You know

not to get all fucking serious here, but your Younger brother is on the road to have a very short life if He's gonna do what he's do if he's gonna do what he's doing, okay, and unfortunately I Have firsthand experience in that and you know It sneaks up on you next thing you know you're in your 40s and you're fucking a lot of stuff

you know Chickens come home to roost so to speak So I don't know I would That's a tough thing man. How do you talk to a fucking 11 year old about that? I don't know I this is actually beyond me because what he literally has is he has an addiction To food like he has to get off the smack He's got to start eating salads and he's got to break that sugar salt. It's like you speedballing You know your sugar goes through the roof then you do the salt that goes through the roof

And you just going you're just going pizza candy pizza candy pizza candy whatever Insert different food, but that's what you're doing. You're literally addicted to it Like I had a sweet tooth most of my whole life. I don't have it anymore because I started doing that Eating veggie twice a week and that totally just cut out my sugar salt cravings and it gave me a new feeling after I was done eating of Being energized rather than being like oh man, that was awesome, but I need to fucking lean to one side here Like the other night I had this fucking steak dinner man. It's fucking great And you know it was bad for me because my voice just dropped down like a pirate

Oh, let me tell you I had this steak with the Potatoes and that fucking cream of spinach It was delicious. It was fucking delicious and But I actually only got a six ounce steak. I know I know insert what he will fucking pussy it was I Got there best steak So it was super expensive. So my wife's like, well, why don't we both get six ounces each? I'm thinking I want eight and

When the six came I was pissed because it was so fucking small So actually was eating smaller bites and I got full and I was totally satisfied So I wasn't as full I Don't know it's like eating is something you really the older you get to is you really have to fucking think about it Like there's no reason when you get older that you have to become a fat fuck It's just that your metabolism has changed and you're not changing the way you're eating. You're still eating like You're in college when you just ate like shit and you still woke up and you were fine now if you're already out of shape at that age

That's a major Red flag, but it's easily corrected So if you're young and you listen to this and you're out of shape the great I mean you're young and if you just start eating Right, just read up on nutrition. I barely I know so little about nutrition and just me the little that I know I don't have to work out as much now so I Don't know I would go that route I would write a letter and I give it to your mom

First try to maybe divide and conquer. I don't know. I don't know the relationship. You have maybe your dad's the softee I have no idea, but I would try to divide and conquer them and Then your parents could just subtly, you know, stop buying that shit food not have it in the house they could start making healthier meals and You know when you come back from school, I mean, I don't know man Just go fucking do some shit where the kid's gonna have to be active I

Mean 11 is a tough age to try to have a serious conversation about stuff like that If you were gonna do it, I would do it talking about yourself You know and the experience that you had or something I mean, that's the best I can do good luck with that man, but you're you're a good person, man You're good older brother. I hope it works out for you. All right dilemma Dear slick bill flair whoo He wrote the woo. I love the podcast and hearing you solve problems That should be in quotes. I have a dilemma a dilemma that you and maybe the lovely Nia could help me with

My wife and I have been happily married No, maybe I should get her in here You know, sometimes I know she hears me And I know what that means now That means I'm watching my show that you always make fun of she probably watch one of those fucking Real House wife shows Which I actually got into one of them She just kept like a pop song. She just kept playing it and playing it the Real House wives of New Jersey I'm actually watching that shit now

But I can't watch the other one that one that's out here the Orange County one Those fucking women they just look so exhausted all the fucking time And it's cuz they're trying to look hot. It's like what's wrong with you? You're a mom Okay, you did your time relax Put on some sweatpants Okay, dear slick bill flair whoo My wife and I have been happily married a little over 10 years When we got married I was working a low-paying going nowhere job

But I saved my money for months and bought her an engagement ring It wasn't much and was all I could afford but she accepted it very graciously and has come to mean a lot to her I'm doing much better in my life. Look at you. Good for you Do a much better in my life now financially than I was then and can afford to buy her something much nicer My dilemma is this should I tell her what I paid for the first ring and tell her I want to get her something nice Something a lot nicer now that I can afford Or just leave it alone since she does appreciate it and by the way I just bought I have bought her other jewelry in the last 10 years

But just not another wedding ring dude fucking leave it alone Leave it alone Leave it alone Okay, if that ring means something to her I Think it's kind of a nice sentimental reminder of how far you guys have come and how successful you are And I think that she's she's a great person that she's not going like oh my god My ring isn't as big as this other bitch. It works ring. You got a great one and

I Know you're feeling because it's also like you're probably going like I Don't know you're probably hanging out if you're doing really well financially You're probably hanging out with other people doing well financially and their wives show up with a giant rock on their finger And yet you're getting insecure about if she's not insecure about it Then I would leave it alone if you're buying her other nice things I Actually think it makes the ring even more special

She has like a you know What are beautiful earrings or whatever you bought our necklace or something like that and then she has that? That that ring that you got her. I think that's actually cool And she can tell the story she probably likes telling the story You got a great relationship sir. Congratulations. Don't fuck with it Don't fuck with it. All right. Use my downstairs as a metaphor. Don't start pulling down the walls You have no idea what's behind them. You don't even want to know is it holding up the structure leave it alone Okay, all right overrated underrated

Overrated being a sports fan my two favorite teams are the Colorado Rockies and the Tennessee Titans Could I be any less relevant in the sports world ten months out of the year I spend and crushing disappointment fantasizing about what it's like Falling with team that actually won a championship you lucky cunt Well, dude, I don't understand. How are you a Denver fan of just the baseball? You know look in the last like 15 years 16 17 years you won two Super Bowls Two Stanley Cups Nuggets have one shit Rockies have one shit, but then no

Well, you basically got a baseball team in the last 20 years you're doing fine Tennessee Titans, I don't know I'd have to understand why you you went that route I respect it though most people who don't root for the teams that are in their state usually pick like a successful one like I'm a big Yankee fan, or I always like the Well fucking always win shit, I don't know I like the Whatever I like the Patriots. We have one shit in ten years. What am I talking about? All right underrated Having a 500 plus CD collection

My friends give me shit for paying for my music. Oh, God bless you Remember for every artist out there was actually putting out shit that costs money the fact that you're actually paying for God bless you But as you said before it's like having the gold behind your money. Oh, yeah having your CD Yeah, because you can lose your entire music collection if something happens to your laptop and all of that crap, right? And just the fact that you need these fucking devices to play them on that are constantly like Becoming outdated and then they get filled up like your stereo never got filled up But the other side is you can listen to it anyway you go so I don't know I but I like what you're saying Anyways, he says my laptop shit the bed recently and it was nice knowing that I didn't have to go through

Viracy fucking websites online to get all 4,000 songs back. Oh, that's great. I'll tell you know what I'll throw in an underrated Amazon comms I Started downloading music from them Because I was sick of iTunes not having As as good a selection and what I was trying to find I saw this great documentary on Muscle Shoals and they were talking about Aretha Franklin And I wanted to get Um

The fuck's the name of the album? I wanted to get like the album in uh Hang on a second. Let me find the name of it. I wanted to get one of her early albums. I wanted to hear the whole album Which was really exciting to me. I guess it was called I never loved a man the way that I loved you And I wanted to hear all these songs because you know after a while When you have as many hits as she does they just play the hits and whenever they after a while they start phasing out the albums And it's like I you know, there's actually more Aretha Franklin music that I have in her I want to hear this shit So I go on iTunes and of course all they have is greatest hits volume one two and all this type of shit

You know who zoom and who or whatever the fuck they had on there, but uh, I was actually able to download That whole album And I got to hear the Muscle Shoals Their legendary band that played with them. I saw the documentary and I really listened to their playing and their drummers fucking incredible His name escapes me um So I would say that that's underrated. Oh and by the way too, you know who was underrated in my world Was uh, kenny wane shepherd

I was like a lot of steve ray vewn fans where when he died it was just such a blow That any blues guitarist that came along that was influenced by him I would listen to for three seconds to be like, ah, he's just doing the steve thing. He's not steve and um long story short They came to town he came to town playing the greek theater and uh Chris latin from double trouble was on drums. I'm like, I got to see this fucking show. So I went up there and uh I saw them play and they were fucking unbelievable. He's an unbelievable guitarist. He's fucking amazing. Uh, totally underrated

and uh Like most great artists. He's he's bad at promoting like I wanted to give him a shout out. He's not on twitter you know if he's stunk he'd be on twitter, but he isn't and he's just And he's got a keyboard player that he's out with too this guy riley osborne who I'd never heard of who of course has played on a zillion things They did a slow blues thing or something and that guy just started playing. It's funny. He looks like burt young And uh, he doesn't really smile a lot and the guy was just Just a beast

Just a real deal. You just basically you were watching the real deal the entire band was phenomenal and uh, you know to actually go out and see live music now Is uh, I don't know. I did that a couple of times this week um I saw a couple of live bands in the the viper room. I just kind of did that this week to get my mind off the bullshit downstairs, but if you if If the kenny wane shepherd band is coming your way if you like Uh, I don't know blues guitar and that type of these guys. I don't I don't know who's out there doing it any

I mean, I know there's always Somebody's gonna say well, you know The fuck's that kid's name there The slide guitar is uh trucks. I'm forgetting Derek trucks. Is that his name? I'm not in that world. I don't know what the fuck I know he's unbelievable. I've seen some of his stuff Uh, but whatever just a top notch band definitely go out And check them out if you get a chance. So anyways, that's the podcast for this week I appreciate you guys. Let me vent

If you if you listen to all of it that made me feel a lot better And now I can fucking go my little construction meeting have a smile on my face. I know it's not their fault They're just writing all the fucking wrongs From fucking charlie chaplin's cousin who built the downstairs of my fucking house Um, and that is it that is all Speaking of amazon, um If you'd like to donate to this podcast, uh, you can go to billbird.com and click on the link to amazon and it takes you right there If you want to buy something over there, they give me a little kickback

But uh this week you really don't have to do that. Yeah, if you could uh hook up benny grebb Help him get his uh instructional dvd his drumming dvd off the ground. He's more than halfway there I really appreciate if you could do that if not, I understand. It's always tough times out there, right? That's the that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week Ikea tip from the week