Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-7-17

Episode Date: August 7, 2017

Bill rambles about the New York Times Crossword puzzle, taking a bath and saying Nuke-You-Lar.

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Dude, I'm going to play that fucking number. Dude, I'm going down to Christie's and I'm getting me a fucking set for life, getting 7 of them. Why can't I fucking hear myself? I'm screaming loud enough, aren't I? You know, people, when you're not talented, what you have to do is yell. If you don't believe that, watch my fucking last fucking whatever. I mean, I don't know how many special I've done. You know, when you talk in the amount of shit I do, why can't I hear myself the way I want to hear myself? Why can't I hear me the way I used to? Am I going deaf? Is that what's going on?

How's that? Is that too much? Hello, hello, test one, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two. The fuck is with this thing? Do I have it on some sort of fucking parental mode? You know, hearing loss is one of the number one causes of hearing loss in 2017 because these earbuds that are all the rage with the children, I actually had time today to go over and go play drums today and I put on a fucking ADD clinic. Jesus Christ, I like practice 9,000 things, got better at nothing. That's how I practice. Hey, let's do double bass for two minutes. Hey, let's work on singles and doubles.

Hey, let's do the jazz ride pattern. Hey, let's fucking do some bottom triplets. All right, just kept going and going, but you know what? I didn't sound that bad. I had a good time. I fucking love that kit though. I had the small setup. A lot of you guys gave me shit because I had fucking three floor toms. I was like, what's your third one for? You fucking keys and you fucking two-pay? I don't own a two-pay. All right? You can't own a two-pay. You know what I mean? I bet they make them really good right now, but it would just be like wearing this fucking hat you could never take off.

You wake up in the morning and you got your little roller with the glue and you're just fucking going over your scalp. You know, you're doing that and your wife comes walking in. I mean, Jesus Christ. I mean, she's going to be banging another guy within three days. If your fucking woman walks in while you're gluing hair to the top of your head, all right, and she doesn't leave you, that woman is a saint. You know what I mean? I love the guys who have like the fucking the two-pay and then they can't even get like the sides to match it. You know what I mean? It's like, dude, are you fucking colorblind? Do you really think that that's blending into what you got on the sides?

You know what's funny too is when you go down the two-pay road, they don't, as far as I know, they don't make any white ones, like if you're an older guy. So then you got to die the shit you got on the side, right? So then it just makes people look at your head like you just like this guy's like 60. How does he have jet black? Oh, good Lord. Look at that fucking thing. Jesus. You know, I don't like about two-pays. Actually, hair plugs now is they're too good.

Now used to be used to be able to tell. And you can really fuck somebody up in conversation. You all need to do. I don't give a fuck how smart they were. All you need to do is just kind of look up at it and then look back at them. And then they were just fucked for the rest of the conversation. And those days are gone now because they got too goddamn good at it. So anyways, I was playing, you know, playing all the drum shit. And at this point, because my drum teacher is out on the road.

I haven't been taking any lessons. You know, drum teacher Dave Elich out with the night game opening for Dave. No, I won't say Dave Matthews. No, John Mayer opening for John Mayer with Steve Jordan on drums. Jesus Christ. You get to see Dave Elich and then you get to see Steve Jordan. How about that? Hey, there's a fucking evening for you. You know, that be enough for your goddamn millennials?

Yeah, so I haven't been taking lessons, but so I just, it's actually kind of been a good thing because I can go back to all this shit that I never fucking got down that he showed me while developing new bad habits. But I know I'm kidding. Anyways, I'm having a great time. So people give me shit because I got the three floor toms, but this is why I did it. This was the method to my madness. All right, I got 12 inch rack, then I got a 14, 16, 18 floor toms.

So and then a 22 kick, right? So I hate having two rack toms, but I ended up ordering another one. So I got a 12, I got 13 comments. So now I can go big or small people, big or small. I can either go 12, 14, 16, or 13, 16, 18, depending on whatever the fucking whatever song I'm going to go butcher on the goddamn comedy jam. All right. Why can't I just have a hobby without people criticizing it?

Why can't people just say, hey, nice drum kit that, dude, what do you got the third fucking floor toms for? Yes, Jesus. I don't know. So I'm trying to get out of the fucking, the bottom death spin I went on for fucking 30 years. I'm just trying a different setup. That's all I was doing. Got more goddamn shit for that. That and saying nuclear instead of nuclear.

You know, I love the word police. You know what I mean? It's just like, where are you going to get in life with that? You know, it's not nuclear. It's nuclear. I've always said nuclear. I've always said it. It sounds right to me.

Rolls off the tongue a little bit easier than nuclear. It's a nuclear weapon, not nuclear laughing my ass off. Let me ask you this. Where are you laughing your ass off? Where exactly are you in your fucking life? Because as dumb as I am, I'm doing all right. You know, is there, is there a fucking job that you can do where you dot all your eyes cross all your T's and correct spelling?

What are you going to be like? I guess a teacher. Is that what it is? Do I have a bunch of teachers following me on Twitter? I don't know why they wouldn't. You know, good Lord. These fucking people that are always like, there's so much shit. I used to say palo instead of pillow.

Get the palos off the fucking. I mean, I've, you know, it's just shit. You're just saying it different way. Because does that mean you don't know what the fuck you put your head on at night? Where does that get you? Can you make a living doing crossword puzzles? Those are those kind of, they go to the so do coup, a pseudo coup, whatever the fuck you say that. So do coup, so do coup for you, right?

They're, they're good at that shit. Dude, she's really smart. She can do the New York Times. She can do the New York Times crossword puzzle. Great, fantastic. Now, where does that get you? Where does that get you in life? I mean, I don't know.

I mean, tell me, tell me how that's holding me back. That's what I want to know. And I know I'm kind of harping on this, but this is like the 900th word you guys have fucking correct me on it. I don't give a shit. I like nuclear. Sounds like it's more fucking like the missiles spinning a little bit more. New clear, like new clear. Keep it clear.

Here it comes. Nuclear. I say, well, it's a little shoulder roll in there. Nuclear. I like it. I'm keeping it. Fuck off. You know, do you guys like right fucking Jay-Z every time he says ho when you're like, actually, it's horror.

Laughing my ass off. I bet you don't, right? Cause you're liberals. You know, but you fucking white male fucks up and what do you do? You hold my fucking alabaster feet to the fire. Don't you? I've had a little bit. I've had enough of it.

All right. I've had enough of people trying to make me not sound like I'm ashamed of how stupid I am. I'm not. Okay. I saw the carrot man and I walked towards it. I knew what I was good at. I knew being a loudmouth fucking moron was what I was good at and I just did that. Okay.

I'm not going to ever be in a classroom teaching people how to spell or pronounce shit. Okay. So let it go. The ship has sailed. There's no hope for me. All right. But you know what the drill is? The real reason people did not do it for me.

They're doing it for them to show how smart they are. Oh, it's not turtle. It's turtle. Laughing my ass off. I know how to say that fucking amphibian's name. Oh, but actually it's not. Stop it. It's not an amphibian.

An amphibian has the ability to shut the fuck up. You know what those, what are those people? Are they practicing to be on a game show? Is that what it is? That's like the smart way a person plays the lottery, I guess, right? The lottery. You just can be a dope like me going, dude, you see that nuclear weapon? And then you go, well, let me get a fucking set for life.

Right. That's how I try to make it. Okay. The smarty pants who can do the fucking, who can actually do the New York Times crossword puzzle is now, you know, trying to get on like wheel of fortune. Cause, you know, that's like the fucking dumbest crossword you can do. Whatever the fuck. Is that a crossword?

No, it isn't. Right. It's like, guess the letters. It looks like a crossword, but it isn't. But I just love that you can be smart enough to do the New York Times crossword puzzle. And then still you're going to get on there. Right.

You just spin a wheel and spit in that wheel. There's no intelligence. You just spin it. All right. You can be the smartest person on the world and you're going to roll, lose a turn. Bankrupt and it's fucking over. I like watching Jeopardy when, you know, there's somebody just, you just can't defeat this guy and all these other smarty pants get on there in their whole life.

They were the fucking smartest one. You know, you know, those people that don't like drink and they like, they play board games. Like let's play trivial pursuit. You know what I mean? Let's, let's play whatever those fucking games. I have to tell you some of the saddest moments in my adult life is I've gone to parties and all of a sudden they break out board games and you ever see like when somebody's on hidden video and they start looking around like what the fuck in the crowd starts laugh.

That's the look on my face. Like, yeah, they're not going to do this. They're not doing this. Are they? Does everybody have to play? Like, I don't want to do this. I don't want to fuck or do one of my five years old. You know, are we trapped in a fucking cabin and then there's no television?

No, this is great. You can connect with me. I'll play some cards. You know, I like how cards is like, I would, you want to have a card that's just like, there's a sleazy vibe to cards that I've always enjoyed. Even though I don't play a lot of cards, but you know, even like those fucking old ladies, seen some old lady with their bony fingers fucking shuffling, not even looking, talking some shit.

She's got her favorite little candies right to the right, you know, in a dish. You know, I saw an old school old lady today. I was in, I was down at the grocery store buying some fucking food, right? And this lady comes around the corner. She had on like this turquoise blazer with like some sort of brooch. I forget what she had underneath it. She had white slacks on white shoes and a white purse, just old school dress to the fucking night.

She looked great. Total fucking class act made me miss my grandmother. My grandmother was a sharp dresser. They, those people, they knew how to fucking dress, you know what I mean? And then they'd buy a pair of shoes and God damn it, they took care of them. Not like us today, you know? Well, every black person I knew, they always took care of their fucking sneakers, you know what I mean?

Keep the fucking things looking brand new, you know, taking out a goddamn, you know, nail brush scrubbing the sides, right? That was another white privilege moment, right? How you could just have dirty sneakers and that was okay. What man? I went outside and they got dirty. I mean, I don't even keep watching. I mean, just, he's always going to be dirt out here, man.

I remember when Patrice used to give me shit for my sneakers being dirty. I was just like, I mean, I'm wearing a fucking beauty pageant. He's like, Bill, if you were black and you walked out, I'm like, I'm not black. This is totally socially acceptable for me. I get it. You have new sneakers on. Congratulations. Um, anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

I'm doing this, this Sunday night, because as always, I have a million things to do during this time of year as we're writing season three, three, three, family, family, family. We're going to be recording episode three and writing episode four this week. Big shit going. We're almost at the clubhouse turn here. No, it's actually coming down the back stretch. You know, I think we'll have five written and recorded by the end of this month.

And I know what you guys are thinking. So what does that mean? It comes out in December. Oh, no. No, there's like 40 different other things you have to do to it over the course of the next, I don't know how many months before it finally fucking comes out. I have no idea. We would choke on one time.

I think by the time we do the sixth season, I'll be in my late sixties. But I have to tell you, I really fucking like it. I really like doing it and I really enjoy being in the writer's room. You know, some days it sucks when like the shit just isn't working and my brain isn't working and I'm fried. Some of those days suck, but generally, but then, you know, everybody else is saying funny shit. So that makes you get going, you know, but I actually really enjoy writing dialogue.

Who would have thought, you know, in a way, I can, you know, some guy who says nuclear can actually write a fucking episode of television, you know, just think about that. Okay. Think about, think about that and then stop complaining about who's president right now. Okay. If you can say nuclear and then you can fuck. I mean, George Bush used to say nuclear. The amount of people that fucking laughed at him and I want to be like, Hey, are you

bilingual? Can you also speak Spanish? Huh? Did you go to Yale? The guy went to fucking Yale. All right. I don't give a shit if his dad got him in or what. He's a legacy.

He still went there. He still got that education. Still got to be a member of the, the skull and bones. I think that's why he had that laugh because he knew he didn't belong there. He knew he got, he just got pushed down that fucking road. You know, what do you think he really wanted to do? I think like what you do after your president, after your president really lets people know how much you love the job.

You know what I mean? And like, he just fucking disappeared. Bill Clinton, he's still, you know, Bill Clinton was all about the horse, you know, so he's still, he's still out there giving speeches. Oh, I don't, I'm not as fucking tense, right? He's still out there. You know, Jimmy Carter's building fucking homes, you know, and then you got fucking, uh, George Bush, he's just, he's fucking hanging out like a trust fund kid.

He's just sitting around Peyton. Do you ever see that documentary rich kids? Like one of the saddest fucking things I've ever seen in my life was like these people, they were born into such wealth. Like one of them was they were part of the Johnson and Johnson family, which I think a lot of people don't know what that is, but like when I was growing up, everything was made by Johnson and Johnson. I'm sure they got bought out, whatever, but when, um, I guess when they bought that out,

Johnson and Johnson, they built it in that their kids would always just be taken care of and would have a, I don't know, a position in the company. They were just getting money. It's this fucking beast that Johnson and Johnson built just at the inertia of that fucking thing, just tearing through the capitalist economy. Right. It was just so big that they just, they just like, if they get the skim, remember fucking casino, the skim, the kids still get the skim and the fucking skim alone.

They get a little fucking duffel bag of cash that they don't ever have to work in their life. Right. And I, you would think that that, dude, that would be the fucking greatest thing ever. That would be the greatest thing ever. And, um, it kind of turned out that it wasn't. I think it would be the greatest thing ever if you actually, uh, live the other way first. But even then, I think, I think it would get boring after a while.

Do you think you could do it? I think if you just had enough money where you never had to work again, my thought would be, well, the next big thing in my life is I'm going to die. That's the next eventful thing. I have no deadlines. I have no worries. Oh man. I would get like psycho obsessed with shit, you know, like I do already, but then like

my real life takes off. I don't fucking play drums. I don't fucking play all the fucking time. And then like my real life today, you got to go into the writer's room and then it eases it off. Like if I just fucking was sitting there, like when I was talking to you guys about that building in Manhattan, the one that looks like a giant cigarette, um, something park avenue.

And I was like, what in the fuck is that thing? That thing's bigger than the freedom tower. And I went back and I looked at those pictures that they have from the penthouse in that building and that bathtub, you know, that bathtub everybody has now. It's it's shaped like, uh, like the fucking Chicago bear stadium, you know, that one, that freestanding one is not on legs. Like it's, it's big. The ladies love it evidently, right?

And it's right up on the fucking window and you can just look out all the way south of Manhattan, past the Statue of Liberty to see the fucking, you know, whenever the Germans come to attack us again, you think, you know, this person in the fucking tub is going to see it first, right? The Japanese, I should say, I just figured that side of the country, you know, the Germans would be coming, right? With their nuclear weapons. Actually, why would you bring it over here?

You just fucking shoot it off, wouldn't you? Um, anyway, so I was just looking at it. I was just trying to imagine sitting in that tub taking a bath that that would be one of the saddest experiences that you could, you could possibly have. It looks so fucking lonely. First one I saw was like, holy shit, that's fucking unbelievable. That looks like, I feel like I'm in a helicopter, but you're like in a, in a fucking building. But then just being that high up, you can't even hear the city anymore.

Just how quiet it would be. You know, you're literally, you're getting to that level, that thing that astronauts see. You know, like the astronauts, they would go out and they would orbit the earth and they would just look down at it and they were above all the bullshit, all the politics, all the religion, all the fucking war, all the disease, all the suffering. And they looked down and they were able to see how beautiful it was, the paradise that we actually live in. We just sit here with all this petty shit and like these guys would come back and they

couldn't talk to anybody about it. Couldn't give anybody else that perspective unless they talked to a fellow astronaut. So then they would just be, you know, pulling up to a stoplight and they would see something. They would just randomly start crying. I think that would happen if I took a bath that high above fucking Manhattan and you're just looking out August, man, why can't, why isn't, why don't we ever do the right? You'd be philosophically just saying, why don't we do the right thing? Why are we always like, you can't, that's, that's, that's the scary thing.

That's why all pilots are a little fucking weird. There's something weird about going up there and just looking down at all of it, you know, like a higher being. Then you also get to see what the fuck we're doing to the planet. It's a really fucking, it's a weird thing. And then you combine that with the fact that you're taking a bath, one of the most relaxing thing ever, just looking down at this fucking terror. I don't know.

I also kind of wonder, like with global warming, like what's going to happen? You know, I'm sorry, climate change. I didn't mean to shock you by saying global warming. I hope I didn't ruin your day with those two fucking words. Let me say climate change so you can fucking relax a little bit. I still don't understand why they say that climate change. It's like when Halliburton changed its fucking name, right? Well, they changed it to peaches and cream.

I can't fucking remember. Anyways, I was just thinking that like the more like severe the weather's going to get. Like what will that mean? You know, like we can expect some crazy storms. We've never fucking seen before. And if they took that into consideration when they built that goddamn thing, that all of a sudden, you know, we're going to start getting like, like steroid era, Mark McGuire era fucking, you know, hurricanes, you know, and this is going to be a category 19

and you're up there taking a fucking bath, watching this shit rolling in. You're going to go right out that fucking window in that tub all the way down to the fucking pavement. But what a way to go. That porcent thing. It'd be like the cartoons where you try to get the bath water back into the fucking tub. It would be a hell of a death. I honestly think if there is a God, you know, he would fucking take extra time. He would take extra time with you just being like, like just watching the game film of your death going.

I mean, just being like, you know, I've seen people die since the beginning. Man, I this this this is this is one is this is definitely I never seen this one before. I never seen somebody in a bathtub at 1350 feet. I don't know. I don't know why I'm obsessed with that fucking building. It's just, I don't know. There was just something about it and the fact that they can't sell the one underneath it. It's the funniest shit ever.

Because who the fuck is going to pay $85 million and still have somebody living above him? Oh, yeah, you fucking knock it off up there. What am I paying for you? Anyways, how about those red socks? Huh? How about those red socks? But you know something? They went, they, they, they're undefeated.

They went five in a row undefeated this month. All right. And I went on the, I went on the old internet there, right? And, um, I see, I looked up the standings, the baseball standings. That was the baseball one. Right. This weekend baseball. If you saw the highlights and actually hearing an orchestra playing when I just played or

tried to sing, it'd be tremendous. Well, the Houston Astros evidently are the other beasts of the American League. Um, I was all excited that we swept the white socks. I just realized that they're 41 and 68. I guess that's not such a big deal. Well, we did what we were supposed to do. We kicked the shit out of a man. We won six in a row, gone eight and two last 10 picked up three games on them fucking Yankees.

See fucking Aaron judge 35th home run today. Had the same trajectory as a base hit, except it went out of the park telling you it's like fucking Paul Bunyan coming to the goddamn plate. Um, loving the Indians in first place. That'd be great to see them win one. Let's test my knowledge. All right. Red Sox last world series 2013 Yankees 2009 Tampa Bay.

Never sit down. Shut the fuck up. Orioles 1983. Toronto Blue Jays. They went back to back 92 93 Cleveland Indians 1948 Kansas City Royals 2015. Last year was the Cubs, right? Minnesota Twins, uh, 1991 Detroit 1984 Chicago, White Sox 2005 Houston Astros. Never sit down.

Shut the fuck up. Seattle Mariners. Never sit down. Shut the fuck up. This is so childless. Los Angeles Angels 2002. Texas Rangers, you know it. Never sit down.

Shut the fuck up. Oakland. 89. Washington centers. Never sit down. Shut the fuck up. Miami. Miami Mollins.

Was it 2003 Atlanta Braves is 95. New York Mets. Every Red Sox fan knows that's 1986 Philadelphia Phillies 2008 Cubs 2016 Milwaukee Brewers. Never sit down. Shut the fuck up. St. Louis Cardinals. Oh shit. I don't know this one.

They always win the fucking thing. Was it 2006 or they won at this decade? Pittsburgh Pirates. I don't know 71. Reds was 1990. The Dodgers was 88 Colorado Rockies. Never. Arizona Diamondbacks 2001.

The one time I ever rooted for the Yankees because it was right after 9 11. I was like, I would give the fuck. I root for him. San Diego Padres. Never. San Francisco Giants. I want to say they won it 2010 2012 and 2014. Is that right?

15 was a Royal 16 was a Cubs. Yeah, I'd say 2014. That's not bad for somebody who doesn't fucking watch baseball. Was that boring to you? I'm sorry. Let me, let me do, you know, if that was boring enough, let me get to one of the most exciting parts of this podcast. Listening to me read out loud.

All right, here we go. We got one, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. I was talking to somebody about that the other day when somebody had a doorbell like that when I had a paper route when I was a kid. I thought that meant they were rich. If they didn't just go ping-pong or fucking dentist drill one.

If they actually had the one that went ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong. You know, it was so weird as they'd answer the door before it ended and then they're fucking looking at you. All right. Oh, look who's here. But oh, oh, oh, me on D's, me on D's taking a bath at 2,000 feet. Me on D's, me on D's. Oh, get the hooker.

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Beautiful. 20 minutes to go. 20 minutes to go. I talk about everything I wanted to talk about. Did I mention Paul Versey has a stand-up special that all things comedy network is going to be producing our first stand-up special and the buzz on the road is Versey's out there killing it like I knew he was going to. All right. August 13th at the Terry Town Theater in beautiful Terry Town, New York. Tom Hanks fucking sleepless in Seattle looking fucking place, right?

Me and God damn this fucking computer. Fucking screen keeps shutting off me and Pete Davidson. Let me get this back on me. There we go. All right. Me and Pete Davidson will be will be the sort of the masters of ceremony. We'll be warming up, going out on stage together, giving each other shit, trying out new jokes, fucking around. I'm going to try to come out there in between shows.

I don't want to slow down the taping, but I will definitely get out there, sign whatever you got, take some pictures or whatever. I'll try to move it along or whatever, you know, whatever I can do to fucking interact. We have a few seats left. I want to sell this thing out. It's really important night for Paul and the All Things Comedy Network. So I'd appreciate it. If you got the time, you want to listen to, you know, some comedy. Come on down August 13th.

All right. Plowing ahead and I'll be at the Count Basie Theater this weekend out in Jersey out in New Jersey, Red Bank, New Jersey. It's just really beautiful. I might go down to Asbury Park during the day. I have no idea what I'm going to do because I usually stay in the city. I think I'm going to fucking stay somewhere out in Jersey. You know, maybe I'll call fucking what's his face? Vinnie Brand. Vinnie Brand has a boat.

I'm terrified of the ocean. Going to go out in the fucking ocean with a goddamn club owner. Why not? All right. Okay, here we go. The probably with North Korea. Dear Ronald McDonald balls. North Korea is a serious threat to East Asia and now too good a portion of the world.

I understand that. So what? So are we. So are we. You know, if you're going to play this game, you know what I mean? Like, like everybody that said the Patriots cheated. If you're going to play that game, then you got to see the cheating that you're doing. Correct.

Am I nuts here? Am I crazy? Yes, the missile test the other day was a ballistic missile. But they can put a nuclear weapon on it as well. Okay. And so can we. We already, we already have ours ready to go. Their latest test puts most of the U.S.

All of Europe and a good portion of Africa within range of their weapons. Yes. And all of those places are in range of our weapons and Russia's weapons. So, you know, I mean, look, I'm not saying it's great that this guy has this fucking thing. But just imagine if he had what we had, what the fuck would we be doing? Wouldn't we be doing the same fucking thing? Well, we got to get some stuff. He, he's, he's making that shit because we got our shit.

Right. It's like when the Yankees started spending 200 million fucking dollars, the Red Sox had to spend 190. That's what happens. That's what happens. Um, and if they are actually able to successfully launch from a submarine as they are attempting to do this, this not only increases the range, but can potentially dramatically increase the amount of time we have to respond if they were to launch a missile.

Well, what, what would happen, sir? Listen, everybody knows there's no end game to this shit. Okay. It's good. It's going to be over. We would have time to respond. Don't you remember? Uh, what the fuck was it?

Wargames? I can't believe how seriously people are fucking taking this shit. Like, I don't think this guy's out of his fucking mind in North Korea. All right. I'm just so fucking sick of, of, of having to turn on the TV and have somebody has to try this. Like news now is just scare the shit out of somebody and offer no fucking solutions. And then normal people just sit there screaming at each other to the point that this fucking

dope is taking the time to turn my podcast, which is supposed to be a break from all of that shit, which is why I just say silly shit about it. You're turning this into meet the press. If that fucking asshole shoots one off, point it right at my house because I don't want to survive it. I don't give a fuck. All right. We have no one to blame but ourselves.

We're fucking defective. If human beings were cars, we would all be recalled. All right. We do not handle position of power well. And this is what the fuck happens. All right. We have a beautiful fucking lunatics who for some stupid reason were given the ability to fucking intimidate nerds.

So they would build all this shit for us. And now here we are. Here we are. All right. All right. North Korea also has the highest percentage of slaves in the world fully like you care, sir, like you give a shit fully 4.4% of its population is enslaved. That is approximately 1.1 million.

Sir, I am on an Apple fucking computer right now and I'm sure you typed yours on an Apple computer too. Those people are jumping out of the factory. They're fucking slaves. All the shit that I'm wearing was made in sweatshops. Like what are we doing now? Now we're going to fudge the fucking numbers. So these people look like they're out of their minds.

But everybody else is fucking okay. This is like countries are like community colleges where they will figure out what their number is so they can fucking put it in their pamphlet. Okay. Let's read some more fucking depressing information. This is why I don't watch the news today. And that doesn't even mention the network of concentration cramps across the nation and the people getting less than subs, less than subsistence levels of daily calories.

Well, I mean, they're also not allowed to trade with anybody. Are they, you know, they really can't get their shit going. Right. I mean, part of that is us trying to force them into giving in to getting forever 21s and Starbucks there. Isn't that right? I mean, I might be wrong, sir. I fucking watch sports.

I watch sports. I listen to music. Okay. I block all this shit out. So I'm sure I mispronounced some words here to put that into perspective about 388,000 slaves were shipped to North America from 1525 to 1866. It's obviously a huge issue. Well, how do you, how do you put that in perspective without telling me what the population of

Korea is? And also 388,000 people back in between 1525 and 1866 was a way more significant portion of the population than it is today, correct? So I don't know what you're saying there, sir. But I do know that whenever we have an issue with the country, all of a sudden we pretend to care about its people. Unfortunately, there isn't any easy solution to the problem. Even if China withdraws their support and the regime regime collapses, you're still

looking at a potential civil war in a nation with nuclear weapons. Let's just hope people smarter than you or I can find a different solution to the problem and they won't. There's only one solution. Gotta go in there and get them. Keep up the good work. I love hearing you talk about how awesome it is to be a parent instead of constant talk about how hard it is.

As a dad of two boys, there are obviously days when I feel like ripping out what little hair I have left, but the vast, vast majority of the time is just awesome. Look at this. He was actually just informing me and I got all fucking defensive because all this week people said that I said nuclear instead of nuclear. Yes, sir. I realize he's out of his fucking mind. I realize that person's out of his fucking mind.

The guy before him, his dad was out of his fucking mind. Okay. Trump is out of his fucking mind. I'm out of my fucking mind. Okay. Nobody should have weapons other than your fucking fists and whatever you can grab in the kitchen. That's ideally, that's what that would be better.

All right. I think I don't understand why war is legal, but it is. This is the game that we play with each other and it is fucking inevitable that one day somebody is going to go martin sheen dead zone and what are you going to do? You know, see people, this is why I have all four sports packages because I don't want to know about this shit. I don't want to fucking sit here and watch the news and have them scare the living shit out of me that now this is going to happen.

You know, and some flies going to bite me and then I'm going to have a baby with a little head. Somebody else is going to fucking blow me up. Yeah, just, I just, yeah, I don't want to, I don't want to talk about this. Okay. Try to keep it light on the podcast here. Let's just make, let's just laugh at me, not being able to pronounce words. Don't bring actual facts into this podcast.

All right. Girl's softball team punished. Hey there, Billy batting glove. Did you hear about the girl's softball team that was removed from the world series because of a picture of some of the players flicking off the camera on social media? One of the girls on the team is the daughter of a family friend. It's fucking brutal. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know. I don't know what I don't understand social media. I'm kind of over it other than for business purposes. I don't just don't think it's a good thing. That should have just been a funny picture that they all took shared amongst themselves. But now you upload it and everybody sees it. And you know, somebody's going to get offended. Let me guess, were they the best?

Were they probably with the number one seed? This sounds like if one of those bad news bears thinks they were removed from the world series. Well, well, you know how, you know how people are. They're trying to make money. They make money off that world series. Is it a national thing? I don't know.

It's like the Colin Kaepernick thing. Everybody's fucking flipping out and immediately thinking that this guy's not getting hired because of racism. It's like the NFL is a fucking corporation. Okay. You know what they give a fuck about money. Now look, if he was trying to get a coaching job or own a team, then yeah, I would say racism would be more obvious.

But like what he does, most of the league is black doing. Okay. Their thing is they're such cheap fucking cunts. They would rather lose a fucking game. They probably have an algorithm going like, okay, if we get this guy and he wins a few more games, how many jerseys will we sell versus the amount of people who won't buy a jersey because we signed this guy? And I swear to God, if we'll sell a fucking jersey less by signing a guy who would actually

make us a better fucking team, I swear to God, they will decide not to sign the guy. I'm not saying there isn't racism involved, but it's really, it's fucking economics. And what these fucking corporations try to do is they don't want any bullshit. They want smooth fucking water. That's what they want. Everybody fucking just tow the fucking line. That's what they want. And I'll tell you all these fucking groups that are trying to make change know that shit,

which is why they always complain to the advertisers because the advertisers will then pull sponsorship from TV shows. They'll do it from fucking podcasts. Everybody knows that. So the NFL is a corporation. So that's what they're doing. I don't know what the fuck league these girls are in, but I'm sure they have some sort of stupid conduct thing that they're trying to, you know, trying to uphold.

Yeah, it's fucking stupid. It's also fucking stupid to upload that picture. I mean, how many of these dumb stories are you going to see where people get offended by absolutely nothing? And then something happens, right? That's unfortunate. It's unfortunate. All right.

Trent Rezna. This is like a way more serious podcast than I ever want to do. I don't know. I don't really have to do it. I just start making up shit here. I try to read the news, but it's just all depressing. Although the funny one was all this shit coming out about Lady Diana now. I just don't understand how new evidence 20 years later, they're finding they found out

that fucking she was listening to Prince Charles jerking off talking to some other lady on a toilet. Did somebody have that tape for fucking 20 years going, hey, dude, listen to this. I swear to God, don't tell anybody I have this. I'm going to release it when the time is right. And then you just hear the echoing sound of Prince Charles going, right. I'm going to put in your ass, your arse. All right.

Trent Reznor article. Hey, Billy boy, Billy boy thought you could relate to this. Trent Reznor talks about what it's like to meet his parents, kids. You meant to say his kids parents while having a body of work with lyrics like I want to fuck you like an animal. Yeah. I read that article, but never underestimate the power of celebrity. And especially, I don't know, he's an older dad, so maybe they don't even know what his

fucking music is. But, you know, I wouldn't give a shit. I sang, I downloaded that fucking song. I fucking loved his stuff. That shit came out of that album blew my fucking mind. I'd be like, that's Trent fucking Reznor. Hey, sweetheart, that's Trent fucking Reznor. I wouldn't give a shit, you know, but it's got to be weird.

But then there's, of course, the people that don't like it, you know, the people that were at like the four H club. And, you know, what are you going to do? He wanted to fuck someone like an animal and he expressed it. All right. Caught girlfriend cheating after joining the military and I legally can't leave her. What? She's your girlfriend.

All right. Dear Billy Ball Balls. He's a good this week. You guys usually, you know, lately there's been a little drought. He's a fucking funny this week. All right. Greetings from Scotland. Recently, I quit my well-paying job to join the British Royal Marines.

My girlfriend of four years was very hesitant and didn't want me to leave, but it had been a dream of mine since I was 14. Okay. I sat down with her a week before leaving and gave her the opportunity to separate. My girlfriend of four years was very hesitant and didn't want me to leave, but it had been a dream of mine since I was 14. Okay. I sat down with her a week before leaving and gave her the opportunity to separate on

good terms and maybe continue our relationship when I had finished my mandatory four years service. But if we stayed together, but we stay, if we stayed together and she cheated, she would be dead to me. I'm half Sicilian, by the way. She chose to stay. The fact that you would give her the option to leave. I mean, how much do you give a shit about this woman?

I was in for just over four weeks and fell during a run and a six, six monster of a guy stood on my leg, breaking my tibia in two places. Oh fuck. I was given the choice of staying in medical custody on base and rejoining training when I had healed or leaving for a year. I chose to leave so I could spend more time with my girlfriend. Oh, uh-oh. I thought it would be a nice surprise to not tell her I was coming home.

Oh Jesus. I arrived home around nine PM on Thursday. Oh my God. To find my girl. Oh Jesus. Choking on some guy's dick. Wow. So what is, did you throw your fucking crutches at him?

Naturally, my instinct was to beat the shit out of the guy, but I'm not too mobile with a pair of crutches. I forced the two out of my house and kept my promise of you dead to me by changing the locks the next morning and blocking her number and social media accounts. Around two weeks later, I received a letter from a lawyer saying that if I don't take her back, she can legally take half of all my assets, including the house my mother left me in her will because we had been together for more than two years. What?

I thought you had to be married. But lo and behold, the British justice system does me another solid. I could understand if I was away on tour from nine months and she cheated, but four weeks, fucking four weeks, you got to be fucking kidding me. So I just take the loss and leave this dumb whore. What do I take her back and try to forget the fact that she took the first opportunity she had to jump on, jump another guy's bone, your bones, your input would be great and maybe can put a funny twist on this fucked up opportunity for your listeners.

Dude, you need to get a fucking lawyer. You need to get that bitch out of your life and get a fucking lawyer. That's what you need to do. All right. That's one of the dumbest laws I've ever heard in my life. And that's going to cause that's going to cause people to make some really fucked up decisions. If someone can screw them that fucking bad.

All right. Over here. Statutory, not statutory rape. What is it? What is it? What is the fucking law when you've been illegally married? That squatters rights. What the fuck is it?

I don't know. Over here. It's like you got to be living with somebody for like seven years, depending on the state. And at that point they considered it's so dumb that she's entitled to half your shit, especially if she's not making any money and you're fucking paying for everything. You know, it's fucking ridiculous. What a fucking cunt. You know what I mean?

I mean, how many fucking stories do they do out there about men beating women and how awful men are to fucking women, right? Which obviously they got to shine a light on that. But look at this. She's going to fucking whore who sucked this other guy's dick. And could care less about taking half of the house that your mother left you? Oh my God, what a fucking cunt. Dude, I would get a lawyer.

I would get, oh my God, I would get a fucking lawyer. What a fucking piece of shit. Dude, like, I don't even, I can't even, this is like making me angry that someone could do that to somebody. What kind of a piece of shit? Yeah, the kind of person that fucking blows somebody four weeks after that. But even then, there's plenty of women that would do that. There's plenty of fucking women that would do that.

They wouldn't take your fucking house. They were raised right. They get caught sucking a dick. They go, ah, you're not fair enough and they leave. Jesus Christ. I would get a lawyer, sir. I would get a lawyer and I would fucking fight this thing, find some fucking thing. Oh my God.

The advice that I want to give you, I can't say over this because I'll be liable. Okay, and it's like, let me tell a fucking little story here. No, I can't. I can't do it. I can't tell the story because I'll get in fucking trouble. I won't. Sir, you know what? I would get a lawyer and handle it legally.

Don't do anything fucking crazy, all right? Jesus Christ, what a cunt. Dude, I'll tell you right there, man, you met one for the ages. That's a first ballot hall of fame cunt. If I ever fucking heard of one. Good Lord. I could see if she caught you and then out of vindictiveness, then did that. That, you know, they'd be like, well, you know what the fuck, but she's going to do that

and then take half your fucking house. And you know what kills me? When she tells the story, she, I'm not saying she'll play the, she won't be in the wrong. I mean, that's a fucking psychopath. Thank God you didn't breed with her, man. Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus Christ. Well, you know what?

Thank you for your service, sir. You know what? These whores can take everything you got and there's nothing you can fucking do about it. That's how the laws are set up. And I got to be honest with you, dude, you know, worst case scenario, if she takes your half your house and half the shit, even still, considering what the fuck they can do to you, you actually got off easy, easier than a lot of guys did, but Jesus Christ. Can I apologize for this podcast?

I don't want to get involved in world politics. I don't want to talk about North Korea. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. You know what I mean? And for the 18 people that are going to take any of this shit fucking seriously, I don't give a shit. Let's just keep it to correcting my fucking spelling. Shall we?

I'm going to end this fucking podcast on an upbeat note. It's Joe DeRose's birthday today. God damn it. He's coming home from fucking Amsterdam. I've got happy birthday, Joey Roses. Happy birthday, Joey Roses over there. I can't even, I can't sing the song. If you ever heard this fucking songs, we sing to each other.

I mean, just, I'm trying to think of a group that wouldn't be offended by it. Well, I know the one group in particular. I literally can't even sing in the fucking, this is just, the whole thing just went off the fucking rails. This whole podcast went off the rails because that was one of, that was such a fucking, do you know what I did? You know, because I've been stuck in the writers room and I haven't been going out and doing stand up and seeing people and having stories to tell you what I do before I get on the

podcast now as I just click on Google news and it's just the most horrific shit. You know, that fucking ride that broke in Ohio, fucking 18 year old kid died. That kid was born in 1999, died going to a fucking amusement park. Somebody blew up a mosque, tried to in fucking Minneapolis. I don't understand how people sit there and they watch CNN and Fox and all that shit and just like, what does it do for you to stay informed? I'd have a fucking, I don't know what it'd be fucking. I didn't want to say it.

I don't want to say the fuck I would be doing. It's just not fun anymore. I got it. You know what I got to do? I'm going to watch, I promise you guys, I'm just going to watch sports between now and Thursday and I'm going to do something. I'm going to go to a mall or something. I'll just make fun of fat people when I get back.

I apologize for the heaviness of this podcast. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday over there. Yeah, top.