Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-8-22

Episode Date: August 8, 2022

Bill rambles about a playground altercation, working in a kitchen, and reading the whole article.

Hey, what's going on, it's Bill Byrne, it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday August 8th, 2022. What's going on, Hawaii? Jesus Christ, August 8th already. Where is the summer going? Jesus Christ, every year we say it, we say we need to enjoy it. We say we need to enjoy it. And by the time you get the pool inflated, it's time to take it down. It's crazy. Well, fortunately, there's global warming. So the summer continues into like the first week of October. All right, so you got time. You still got time to get your revenge body. I love that whole idea of revenge body. You broke up with me. I'm going to get my vengeance by getting in shape. Well, maybe if you weren't a dumpy fuck, you wouldn't have got broken up with.

You ever think of that? You let yourself go. You took your foot off the gas. Also, they were nice enough to realize they didn't love you and they let you go. So now you can find true love. Someone who will accept you for who you are. A person who stays in shape to get somebody and then lets themselves go. No kidding. Anyway, I don't even know where to begin with this fucking week I had. This whole fucking world, man, is so much nicer than it's being presented on social media to the point people are like literally losing their fucking minds. I was driving over a buddy of mine's house. You're writing something, right? And I'm driving down the street and a guy outside his house, he had a sign that said, warning, my sense of humor might offend your liberal sensibilities

or something like that. He had that outside his house. First of all, I just don't like the whole footloose vibe of that guy. Like he's fucking moving to the small town and we're not allowed to dance and he's going to show us what the real world is like. It's first of all, no one's going in your house. Warning, man. The way I joke around, you're not going to be able to handle it, man, because you're too sensitive, man. You can't handle the real world the way I can, man. You know, it's just talking to somebody. You know, what's funny is how like fucking dumb ass liberals like don't even know what's going on in the fucking world because they call like 48 of the 50 states like flyover states because they're too good for it, right? And then the fucking morons

living in the red states don't know shit about the bluest in it. I don't know. It's a weird thing when you go to both and you're kind of like, yeah, everybody's just kind of cool, man. Like, I don't know. Everybody's just sort of going out doing their thing, getting a sandwich. It's not a whole bunch of shit going on here. I was just talking to somebody, you know, about that stereotype of Hollywood that there's all these guys up in the hills, you know, fucking pedophiles banging underage chicks and all this shit, right? And the red states always say that. And then you look at the red states and their age of consent on average is 16 years old. So it's like, well, what the fuck are you guys doing out there?

They get safe to assume that if you moved out to California, where the age of consent is 18, a lot of you guys would be in the same fucking trouble. Oh, Billy's going hypocrisy on this one. I'm not. I'm not. I'm just fucking around. That sign just fucking. That sign is the number one thing that is just cringe-worthy when you watch either a movie or some fucking rock star or a comedian, anything that is there anything worse than the fucking person that thinks they're dangerous? And they're not. And they do like that pre-emptive because, you know, I know you kill me. You don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. I like when women are just like, you know, guys can't handle me. Most people can't fucking

just completely wrapped up into like the universe of them. Like how fucked up? Like that guy, I swear to God, who has that sign, he comes home and turns on the 24 hour news network that agrees with him and just fills his head with that shit. And then he goes online and in types and capital letters. Like why would you waste your fucking, I don't know, but then in the other side, he's living out here in California. He's conservative. He's probably sick of his neighbors. I'm trying to go empathy in my older age, you know, not like there isn't a bunch of wild, stupid shit out here. I really don't have a dog in the fight to be honest with you at this point. But anyway, oh my God, you're not gonna fucking believe what happened to me. I went to spend

a time with my kids and I went to one of these little playland things for kids. And they had this structure where once your kids went in it, like you couldn't really go in there and be with the kids. See, it's kind of this, you know, it's unsettling because they go around a corner. You can't see them. There's a whole bunch of people there. There's a whole bunch of adults. And it's like, I think everybody here is a parent. I don't know what's going on. It just, it had that fucking flying the ointment vibe. So I already didn't like it. And I'm in there. My son's in there. And there was this bigger kid was trying to get him a plastic ball. My son's, you know, only two. He doesn't know what's going on. And the kid got frustrated. He took the fucking ball and smashed

it over my son's head like twice. So I'm on the mesh thing going, Hey, hey, hey, you know, stop doing that. Knock it off. So my son's freaked out. He like runs away and the big kid, I don't know if he felt bad. He fucking runs over to him and like my son's freaking out, like get the fuck away from me. And I can't get in there to break it up. So all I can use is my voice. So that's what I'm using. And then the dad came over, right? And he's on the other side of the structure. He gets the kid to get away. And then he looks at me and he goes like, Yeah, we good, bro. Are we good? That's what he says to me and like, Listen, I'm no tough guy, but like something about when somebody tries to bully me, I forget that I,

you know, haven't had a fight in three decades. So I take a step towards the mesh and I go, What? And I forget what else he said. So next thing you know, this fucking idiot is walking through the structure like hunched over, like the hunchback and no today, I'm coming over to my side and I go, Oh, here we go. I'm like, is he coming in here to keep a closer eye on his kid or what's going to happen? So I'm standing at the bottom of this fucking area. I'm standing ankle deep and colorful balls. And this fucking dad comes in. He doesn't look at me. He's got his back to me and he starts like bumping into me. Right? Put this back to me. You know, I don't know a lot about MMA and martial arts and defense,

but I don't think that's a good way to start a physical confrontation. I'm gonna turn my back on you and start bumping into you. So I address it. And then he turns around and he looks at me and he goes, he goes, what do you like want? What are you like a buck 80? I thought he was going to ask me how much I bench. So I just smile and I just look at him, right? I'm like, all right, this guy at weighs me like 60 pounds. So he's going to lunge at me. I'm going to jump back and take the back of his head, push him down to the plastic pulse. And I'm going to get out of here. That was my only move. And it just keeps going. And then he starts, he turns his back again, right? Because I just

sort of laughed when he said it. I said, I forget what the fuck I said. I just laughed at him because I knew, I kind of feel like if someone's going to hit you, they just go in and do it. They don't come in and turn their back to you. And it's just like, all right, this guy is doing, he's, he's going machismo here. He's trying to, he's trying to urinate all over this space. So if I was more mature, I would have given up the space, but I'm a fucking bald orange cunt. So I don't, and I stand there and then he starts talking shit about me, not looking at me. So I go, is that, is that directed at me? And he's like, no, I'm just talking to myself. It's a free country. You Biden voters haven't taken that away yet. And I go, oh Jesus, I go,

you want to those 24 hour news watching guys? And then he tried to flip it around and be like, oh, it's cause I'm brown, right? I guess he was Mexican. I don't know. I don't know what he was. He was fat. That's what I knew. And, and whatever, we're just going back and forth and I'm really fucking, I don't know. It's like, I'm enjoying it, but I'm not, it's, you know, cause my kids are there and shit. So we're just John back and forth. They're the ones that's going to back down. And then this Asian dude came in. This is a very progressive story. We got like almost every race is involved here. The Asian version of, I was going to say nice guy, Eddie. Nice guy, Eddie was not a nice guy, but that I would have, I'm going to call him nice guy yet. He comes and he

goes, Hey, come on guys, not in front of the kids, not in front of the kids. Then he goes to give me a fist bump. And I was more mad at him than the other guy. Like, what the fuck are you trying to settle me down for? I didn't fucking do anything. This, this guy's fucking lunatic kid is smashing my kids over the head. So he goes to give me a fist bump. I just fucking look at him. He's like, come on, bro. I look at him. Come on, bro. And he, and then he just crawls out. So now this guy's fucking giving me, giving me shit. He goes, he goes, don't even fucking act like you weren't me mugging my kid. And I go, your kid smashed the ball over my kid's head twice. And before I even said, he goes, no, he didn't. No, he didn't. I'm like, you're one of

those guys. You want to those fucking guys, right? So, I don't know. We just do this dumb shit. It was so dumb. It was so dumb and it was so long and neither one of us was going to fight. It was so fucking stupid. And then he finally has to go. So then he's got to crawl out, right? He probably said something else. I don't remember it. So then now I'm out of the thing later on because I thought he left and all of a sudden I'm sitting down trying to watch my kid in all the blind spots of this structure. And he comes walking by and he goes, all right, he goes, have a nice day grandpa, right? Call me an old dad. So I go, all right, buddy, keep eating that cake. And it actually hurt his feelings. He stopped. So then I stood up because, you know, I thought he

thought he was going to sucker me or something, right? And he just goes, I can run rings around you, bro. I can run rings around you. And then he just fucking walked out. And I was just like, and then people in front decks were like, what happened? What was that? I'll tell you what that was. It's your fucking lunatic structure here where you have kids of all ages. Jesus Christ, you got like nine year olds in there like jumping down the slide where you got toddlers down the bottom of it. That's what's going on here. So I don't know. Looking back honestly on it, by the time he saw what was going on, I was yelling at his kid. So I understand why he did that. So what I should have said was say, listen, I'm sorry I raised my voice at your kid. It was that your kid

was hitting my son with a ball. He probably, he probably, no, he wasn't, you know, I'm just saying if I'm actually giving this guy the benefit of the doubt, so I don't carry this for another week that like if I had said that, that maybe he would have heard what happened earlier and we could have just fucking been friends, you know, but whatever. I never said anything fucked up about his kid. I never took it any further than that. He brought up weight first and then he attacked me with ageism. He was really annoying me. He was saying, yeah, keep playing. He goes, you know, you got to be careful. There's no, you know, there's no bubble machine in here. He was doing that. He was doing

that, that classic fucking, you know, this is Larry liberal and he's sitting here with his meatless sandwich and he can't fucking deal with me and all my fucking red meat, my testosterone. And I just love how he, he equated his obesity with strength. What are you, a buck, 80? Yeah, it's called being in shape. You fat fuck. Well, you sit around and eating fucking burgers and fries all goddamn night and all of a sudden now you're what you, now you're a fucking heavyweight champion. Oh my God, it was the worst. I was literally went there to spend time with my kids and like, this is what happens. And I got, I'm going to take my, I'll take 51% of it because I feel like if I didn't have a temper, I probably would have had a nicer tone.

But I was honestly scared for my kid. I, you know, what the fuck am I see fucking kids hitting my kid over the head with a, I had a normal reaction, whatever, but it didn't escalate. And I apologized to the, to nice guy yeti for not giving him the fist, but I did leave him hanging. I actually went to thank him to apologize to him later and I almost walked up to the wrong Asian guy. Thank God he had the fucking sleeve tattoo. That guy had a sleeve tattoo. So I realized it wasn't him at the last second. I was like, Oh Jesus, I almost compounded this. So what I'm saying is, is I'm going to stick to the park. I'm not going to go to any more. I'm not going to fucking,

I'm not going to, uh, I'm not going to any one of these organized fucking things anymore. I'm not doing it. I just, you know, you go to the playground, they have the smaller place for the little kids and then they have the bigger place for the bigger kids. So this thing was just like, you know, it was, it wasn't, it wasn't set up right. It was inevitable. Okay, Bill, what are you blaming the business now? All right, I have a temper, that guy had a, we're both, a couple of cunts met at a fucking structure. There's nothing wrong with the business. There we go. It took 15 minutes. We got to the truth of it. Not one of my, uh, proud of moments. What are you a buck 80? What are you? What are you a fucking fight manager?

Trying to figure out what weight class to put me in? Um, I did love though, being infuriated and still having to walk hunchback to confront somebody. It was really funny. Um, it actually felt like a scene in the movie that I'm, I literally lived a scene from this movie that we're, uh, we're going to put up, which by the way, we went to, uh, and for some fucked up reason, any of those people listening, I apologize. All right. I take my fucking 51% of that. And I don't want to ruin anybody's day. And the guy I said, a cake eater, you weren't that fat. All right. You're like six weeks away. All right. What are you going to do? I can give you some tips. Um, anyway, I, uh, uh, went to New York last week. I don't know where Miramax wanted to have a screening in New York

of all places. And, uh, so I had to jump on a red-eye flight. We went out there and, um, and we, we screened the movie in front of 200 real people, which was exciting, you know, because you live in a bubble where it's just everybody who makes movies is watching it. We're trying to guess what people are going to think. And at the end of the day, we got to hear what the fucking people that buy tickets are going to think. So we went out there and, uh, it was really cool. We actually had it at a theater on the Upper West Side that I went and saw Pulp Fiction at in 1994. That's how old I am. When it came out, um, I was seeing it for the second time because I was still living in Boston about ready to move to New York. I saw it in

Boston and I went and I saw it again, like every Tarantino movie, like I'm just going to go to it once. I can't. There's too much gold in it. I got to keep going, right? So I went back and I saw it again and, uh, and all these years later I was there. It was so, it was really fucking wild to be in there because I was kind of thinking like, wow, because for the first time I was like, this is actually a movie. You know, you're so close to it after a while. It just feels like this, you feel like you're redoing a house or something. Um, but fortunately, uh, it did fucking great. And, uh, people came out and they were very complimentary. They really liked everything. And, um, it was, uh, it was a pretty, it was an amazing night. So I'm really excited. We're

getting close. We're going to fix like five or six things, rewrite something else, do a quick little reshoot on one thing. And I think this thing will be ready to be colorized, put some music on it, and then you guys can come see it. I'm going to tell you, man, I'm going to call in a favor when that thing comes out. Uh, well, Billy Freckles is going to need you guys to show up. Even that guy from the bouncy house place. It'd be funny if he goes to see the movie. He's like, that guy looks like that fucking asshole for that thing who yelled at my kid. Um, oh, and then I get canceled. How can you say this is a good movie? Then, then he goes bubble machine. Um, which by the way, I think children of liberals

and conservatives at the end of the day, I think the children still like bubbles. I think every kid likes bubbles. Um, anyway, I, uh, what else did I want to talk about? Um, oh, by the way, dude, August 8th, do you realize what that means? We are, we are like less than a month of way from the first college football game. And we are a month away from the first NFL, that Thursday night game that pits the Super Bowl champion right against somebody else who won the last year, your Los Angeles Rams. Um, are going to be coming out looking to get their first victory. I cannot fucking wait. I'm still hanging in there with my Red Sox. Um, it's getting tough, man. He got rid of Jackie Bradley, Jr. I fucking loved that guy, Christian Vazquez. I loved him. Poor guys in the,

the dugout playing the Astros. It's like, yeah, buddy, you're on, you're on, you're in the wrong dugout now. You got to go across the way. And, uh, I don't know. I always want to talk to somebody like, what's it like? What's that got to be like, man? That is just fucking nuts to get like, not only like, are you not on the team again, you immediately have to compete against them and all these guys you love and you love playing with all of a sudden are now the fucking opponent. It's got to be, uh, gee, Bill, you're really going out on a limb there. It's got to be what Bill? It's got to be tough. Is that what it is? Um, I'm not tough. I'm only a buck 80. I need to go to fucking in and out burger a couple more times and, you know, so I can get some

respect down at the playground. Um, the guy was trying to fucking out dad bought me. I want to be like, dude, I'll take my shirt off. I'm just a big a mess as you are. You want to take our shirts off and try to see who quit first? Huh? Um, oh my God, did I think I was past those things in my life? I'm 54 and that just fucking happened. Jesus fucking Christ. Um, I did like the grandpa line. This is a comedian. I fucking, I was laughing about that on the way home was fucking hilarious. All right, see you later grandpa. I mean, come on. That's fucking hilarious. Um, you know, bro, we good, we good, bro. What? And wait, they should have a fucking

UFC for dads who aren't going to fight like it's the pre fight. Like that's like the comedy before like the beat downs is two guys who aren't going to fight and they're acting like they're going to, but they both know they both have too much to lose and they don't want to do it in front of their kids. Um, all right. Yeah. So anyway, I'm getting ready to go back. I got a gig Wednesday night. It's going to be me and Keith Robinson out there in Queens out, uh, out there where they play the US open, uh, not the Arthur Ashe stadium. Like I thought it was, it's the other one where they used to do music. I think before they play tennis or something, I guess Jimi Hendrix performed there. And I want to say John McEnroe, Jimmy Connors and all of them before they built that

newer one, the Arthur Ashe one, I left a look that up, but I'm going to be performing there. And I cannot even begin to tell you how fucking excited I am for that gig. Um, I, you know, and then I am doing a bunch of spots in New York or whatever, getting ready for the, the Fenway gig. Uh, I got another one in upstate New York and then I go to Toronto for two shows in Buffalo, Pennsylvania. And I want to say, did I go to Maryland? I don't know where I go, but uh, I'm getting ready for all of that shit. All right. So I don't have time to get my ass kicked at the fucking kiddie playland. Um, did I mention the entire time we were talking shit? Like, you know, we were in some action movie. We were, we were ankle deep in

those colorful plastic balls. I'm not even lying. If there was actually an incident, the cops would have to go in there and look at all those flat balls from the two of us, fat fucks, rolling around on the floor with each other. Um, oh my God, you can't do it though. You just can't fucking do it. Dude, there's been some tragic shit though. That was, that was one a long time ago. Two, two dads got into a fight at a fucking in the bleachers at a, uh, at a hockey game. And one of the dads fell backwards and hit his head and he fucking died. I mean, it's just, there's just no upside. There's no upside. So I'm glad that it would just ended up being funny insults. And I actually, I guess I think he got the better of me. I don't think, uh, keep

keeping that cake. Hey, you know, wait thing. It did make them stop though. It did make them stop, but I got to give, I got to say, okay, grandpa, I think that's, I think that was the line of the fight. Um, the argument, the discontent. Um, there should be a YouTube page about, about those types of things. Two people pretending they're going to fight and then they don't, you know, but neither one wants to back down. They just want to get the last word in. Um, has anybody seen that fucking YouTube clip or whatever, TikTok, whatever the fuck you watch it on with that woman is for whatever reason, lighting a car on fire. I'm imagining it's a jilted lover situation. Uh, so she pours like an entire thing that you'd fill a lawnmower

up with, not a lawnmower, probably a dirt bike. I don't know what she's got like a fucking little like a, like a, at least a gallon of gas. And she pours it into the back seat, probably right down where your feet are at a nice puddle of it. And I'm going to say she didn't have a good science background cause she takes the match, she lights it and then goes into the car like with her head. She's standing outside of it. She sticks her head like reverse ACE Ventura. She goes into the car and drops the match and just the whole place goes and just blows her back like a fucking Rambo movie. And then she fucking crawls away like a dog or something and then comes running back because

she's got to go get the evidence and everything. And I was just fucking cracking up thinking about like obviously this video of it, the dude whose car it is is going to know his ex-girlfriend and then they're going to go over there and ask her if she did it, you know, because she had like the hoodie up and all of that type of stuff. But the thing she fucked up with is she probably burned her eyebrows off. So then she's got to just act like she's one of those chicks that shaved her eyebrows off so she could paint some real ones on. That's the move. And then you just say, no man, I was home. I don't know what you're talking about. You know, and then you're sneezing the whole time because you don't have any fucking hair in your nose anymore to block all the particles.

All the fucking particles, dude. You know what I think I'm going to do for Fenway other than my act. I think I'm just going to tell every fucked up Boston story I can remember. And just, and if it goes well, I'll tell another one. If it doesn't, I go back to my act. And if that gets going, you know, then I just go back and I'm just going to tell all fucking meathead fucking Boston stories from the 70s, 80s and 90s. That's my game plan. That's my game plan. And I am sticking with it. I've been watching more of that show, The Bear on Hulu about the restaurant, man. I fucking love that show. Incredible acting. And just the way it's shot and all of that type of stuff.

Like I just can't imagine everybody that works on that thing, like the day they wrap on that season and they don't have to fucking do 9,000 setups in that little kitchen. You know, they do such a great job of capturing the lunacy of the kitchen when it's busy. I was in that world for a minute, a long time ago. I was like 19 years old. I worked in this restaurant down in fucking North Carolina. I've told you guys this story before, haven't I? I started off, I was the bus boy. All right. And my job was I had to, I had to mop up the floor and the fucking oyster bar. All right. It was black and white tiles, like the old fucking improv's. And it'd always be fucking dirty as hell. And I remember I used

to fucking make that. Oh, Jesus. I sound like Tommy getting shit and good fellas. Oh, he'd make those shoes shine. I used to make that fucking shorts, that fucking floor shine. And then I went in the fucking, you know, the men's room. The men's room was always fucked up, but the ladies room was just, it was just otherworldly. It was, there was so much fucking toilet paper. It was like somebody won a championship in there and then bled on some of it. I mean, you literally had to go in there in a fucking hazmat suit. And oh my God, it was nuts. But I do remember one time I went in there and my manager was already in the bathroom and he was brushing his teeth while puking. He would brush his teeth and then we go, blah. And he had the water running. And I was like,

what the fuck? And I just was mopping up the floor, acting like nothing was happening. And he would brush his teeth for a few minutes and then puke some more. And then I had to clean the fucking sink afterwards. Oh, this was, this was a low period in my life. And I remember after he was done puking, he brushed his teeth. He just looked at me and he goes, oh yeah, you know, sometimes I, you know, brushing my teeth makes me gag. It's like, dude, you weren't gagging. You were puking. And while you did not jam the toothbrush down the back of your throat, your fucking size queen, what the fuck are you doing? Right? And then I realized, it took me like, I didn't even think about that. You ever just like not think

about something for 10 years. You just believe what the person said. I literally believed it. I believed that there was a guy out there that brushing his teeth made him gag. He hit the gag reflex by brushing his teeth, which makes no sense, which would cause him to puke into a sink. And you'd think if you do, if that's what happens when you fucking brushed your teeth, you wouldn't do it at work. You do it at home. It took me like 10 years later, I looked back on that. And I finally was like, no, he was fucking, he went out drinking the night before probably till four in the morning. And then he showed up here for the lunch thing still hung over and he was fucking puking. That's what happened. So fucked for forever. I was just thinking like,

well, I guess, you know, when you go up top and you're kind of brushing on the inside of your uppers, you know, if you kind of lost control of whatever hand you brushed to your maggots, you could maybe jam it back there and hit the gag reflex. Yeah, that place was fucking, that place was fucking wild. And I remember it was slowly going out of business like most restaurants. And what happened was first that was the bus boy. Then I was the bus boy and the dishwasher when the dishwasher quit. They just knew I was dumb and not good with money. They were like, Hey, Bill, do you want to be the dishwasher too? We'll give you an extra 50 cents an hour. And I was like, Oh, boy, 50 cents an hour times 20 hours. Oh, that's, that's $10.

I could buy the new AC DC cassette tape and have 299 back. Maybe I'll get a Snickers bar. I wasn't realizing like they were paying that kid like 375 an hour. That was minimum wage. They should have doubled my pay. I'm doing two jobs. I just said, okay. Then I was doing both those jobs, busing the tables and then fucking setting up the tables and washing the dishes. No OSHA problem there. Then the grill guy quit, the Mesquite grill guy. This is like a fucking, I love Lucy sketch. Then they put me up on the grill, gave me like another 75 cents or a dollar an hour. Like I should have been making like, I don't know, 10 bucks an hour. This was like 35 years ago. That was a lot of money back then. And at that point, I think I was

making like 475 an hour to do three jobs. And I'm finally here to speak my truth about the power structure at that restaurant. So then what would happen was I'd have all the dishes ready to go. I'd have to mop all of the, both the fucking bathrooms in the oyster bar. And then I had to go up. I had to prep all the fucking grill shit. And then I had my bus boy uniform underneath my apron. And then I wore a tall chef half and I fucking worked on this Mesquite grill behind glass like I had any training whatsoever. And as I was cooking, I was looking out onto the floor seeing who was almost done with their meal. And as I saw somebody get up to leave, I would act like I was bending down to get some ingredients. I would take off the hat, lose the

apron. Hey toots, lose the apron. I would lose the apron. And then I would run out there. I would bust the table, bring all the dishes back and then quickly set up that table while I had while I had shit on the fucking grill. And then people would be like, we need more glasses. And I never said like I never spoke up for myself. I mean, what the fuck do you want me to do? I'm making shrimp roof shits over here, you cunt. Which you could do back then. So then I would run back and do that shit. I would always have a couple burners not on. I'd set stuff to the side. So one time I was in the middle, we finally did a great lunch. We had some special and the place was fucking packed. And you know, I would get the orders from the line behind me. And I'd have to

look at the order to see what they had to make on the line so I could time out whatever I was grilling. Well, I was so fucking busy. I saw a burger and I threw the shit on. Not paying attention. You know, I just fucking threw it on. I remember this kid, Jason, he was a Metallica fan, had a little fucking, fucking wispy mustache and he had his fucking heavy metal hair pushed up underneath his Chef Boy RD hat. And I turned around, I go burgers up. And he goes, dude, what are you doing? I got, you know, I got all this other shit I got to make. And I, he goes, put it on the side of the grill. So I just took the tongs, grabbed the plate and I stuck it on the side of the grill on the burner that wasn't on, but it was still hot. So then I went out and I bust a few tables and

all of that shit, washed some dishes and I came back and then Jason was like, yo, he's like, Bill, what's up with that burger? Right? So I fucking without thinking, I just grabbed the tongs, not realizing the plate heated up. And I turned around ahead by the tongs and I just handed it to him and he had his hands out like he was going to accept the Eucharist, right? And I put it in his fucking hands and he just went, it fucking, you know, he went down, you know, like out of the, like the window and I turned around the whole restaurant was looking at me and I swear to God, I almost broke a fucking blood vessel, trying not to laugh in front of everybody because it wasn't really hot. It was

hot enough that he yelled, but he was able to put it down. It was in his hands for like, you know, under a second. Plus he has chef hands. Those is the tips of the fingers. He's all right, right? And I crouched down and for five straight minutes was like beat red, just fucking laughing my ass off as I was trying to apologize to him. And I can hear him, but they can't hear him. I just heard him back there as he was running water. I was like, Jesus fucking could put a fucking on and none of the managers got mad because I was doing three jobs for the price of a fucking one and a quarter because I was not good at math. Oh, that's, that's, that story is called the whole Billy Dum Dum and that place eventually went out, went out of business, but the shit that went on

at that fucking place, man. I know I've told these stories before, but what do you want from me? They fucking, I remember there was this guy who was a raging alcoholic and he had lost his license for drinking and driving so many times, they weren't even going to give him back to him. And this is the 80s. So that, that was a lot. You had to do a lot to get the death penalty on your fucking license. And he used to ride a fucking, he used to drink all night and he would come in bleary out. He's one of these guys who was like 34, but looked like he was 62. He had like a fucking, one of those gin blossoms, you know, just a fucking red nose. And I remember it was like the winter time. And in the South, like it gets cold enough back

then where you'd have like, you'd get a frost and he would drink until four in the morning and then just fucking pass out and he would wake up and take a shower and then just ride to work with his hair all wet. And I remember his hair would be like frosted on the sides from being wet. And I apologize if I told this story too many times. This is just for any new listeners. So basically this guy's moped was his life. And it was the only way he could get back to his trailer where he could drink. It was fucking brutal. It was like, you know, it was like, it was like an episode of intervention, the beginning of it, before we knew to intervene. We just thought the guy was hilarious, that he loved the booze. Like, you know,

like no one was an alcoholic back then, unless they said they were, it was weird. So he showed up to work and we all knew what the fucking moped meant to him. So as a joke, we were fucking with him. He was in, I don't know, folding napkins or something doing the setups. And he was only working the lunch that day. So it was a joke, me and the Metallica kid. And I think one other guy, we took his moped and behind the restaurant, they had like this shed, like it was built into a hill and behind it, there was like a little road, little street behind, it was part of a mall, right? So we wheeled the thing out and around up the road. And then we put it on top of the shed so he couldn't find it. And he went out there and his bike was gone and he had a

fucking meltdown. He almost started crying and we were trying to keep a straight face. And then we were just like, oh man, I'm so, we're just fucking with you. And he's like, oh man, you guys are fucking dicks, man. Fuck. Man, I thought somebody took my back. He called it his bike, right? Took my back, right? Like he had a motorcycle. And we went out there and someone had stole his moped. I swear to God, I know this sounds like a joke. I swear to God it's true. And they somehow recovered it. They found it and somebody tried to paint it. I remember it was silver and they put all these black shit on it. It looked terrible. And I remember like three days later, we were working the same shift and I saw him coming in on his moped with his frosted hair and his

fucking gin blossom riding on. I felt so bad. I felt really fucking bad. And those are the restaurant stories and I'm going to keep all the drugs up. But everybody was doing drugs, except me. I was just a drinker back then before I had my eight years of heroin. Anyway, so if you want to see a show that kind of captures that fucking total dysfunction, of the beautiful mess that is a fucking restaurant, check out that show, The Bear. Really, really, really enjoy that. I got to learn the names of the people in it. I mean, obviously Oliver Platt, I know his name. He's in it. But like some of the younger actors or young to me, I'm an old fellow here who gets into arguments that won't escalate to a fight

at a fucking bouncy house. Jesus Christ. A fucking moron. And then like an idiot, I told my wife that story and she goes, I hope he, you know, did you look around before you went outside? I said, yeah, I absolutely looked around because that guy struck me as like, okay, he didn't want to fight, but would he drive over me with a car? I think so. Definitely be a SUV with his fat ass. Oh, Bill, still taking shots. All right, let's, let's, let's do some reads here for the week. Stamps.com, everybody. I love that song, by the way, the end song and the price is right. It always reminded me of being on summer vacation or when you would fake sick and you get to stay home. So I would do a fake sick and my mother would always give me shit.

She goes, all right, you did it. You got the day off and then she would go off to work. And then I would act all like I was upset that she wasn't acknowledging that I was sick, even though I wasn't. And then she would go to work and then I would fucking, I put on, I put on the fucking prices, right? Well, that didn't come on to like 11. That was the best. Fake and sick watching the prices, right? All right, Stamps.com, everybody. Having to drop what you're doing to make a run to the post office is a major pain, especially when you got more important things to do. Yeah, like getting to an argument with another dad at a bouncy house. Stop. So stop mailing and shipping the hard way. Stamps.com is your 24 seven post office

that you can access from anywhere. Skip the headache with Stamps.com. You've heard me talk about Stamps.com. They've been sponsoring the show for over nine years now. And if you haven't tried it, what are you waiting for, man? Hey, come on, the opportunity's right there. Stamps.com saves you time, money and stress for more than 20 years, 20 years. Jesus, they were ahead of the game. Stamps.com has been indispensable for over one million businesses, businesses, whether you're in office, sending invoices and Etsy shop, sending your products or a warehouse, shipping out orders. It makes mailing and shipping a breeze. Right up your shorts there, tickling your ball bag. All you need is your regular computer and printer, no special supplies or equipment,

plus Stamps.com seamlessly works with Shopify, Amazon, Etsy, eBay and more. Would it be great if Apple would work seamlessly with somebody? Don't mail and ship the hard way. Sign up with Stamps.com today. Sign up with promo code BRR for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale, no long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, top of the page, sorry, and enter code BRR. All right, there you go. And with that, and with that, we are in just like that people, just like that, we are into the questions here for the week. And the great Andrew Thamelis, incredible producer, musician, person says, Bill, great emails. All right, here we go. Woodstock 99.

Dear Bill, I was at your semi-recent show at Woodstock in Bethel, New York. That was so much fun, man. What an incredible crowd, perfect weather. And right on the other side of the hill was where Woodstock happened. And it's so crazy. You go there and you just look at the hill. The hill is famous. Like, it's recognizable. I thought there'd have to be a bunch of stinky hippies on it for me to recognize it. I was at your semi-recent show at Woodstock. I worked a 10-hour day as a Mason in Syracuse and drove three plus hours. This sounds like this is going to be a complaint. Oh, Jesus. All right, so you work more than I do when you drove three and a half hours to see me while you're disappointed. Three and a half hours after work by myself to

catch your shit jokes. Front row exclamation point. Now make sure that fact doesn't stroke your ego too much. I thought you were going to shit on me. Your bald head doesn't need to get any bigger. First I get called grandpa. I am. I look like an old Charlie Brown. Anyways, on stage you were asked where Woodstock 9, are you asked where Woodstock 99 happened? And I wanted to shout it out being in the front row. Well, you should have. But what can I say? What can I say? I'm an introvert. You don't sound like an introvert in your emails, dude. You fucking ramp it up here. It took place in Rome, New York at the former Griffiths Air Force Base about an hour east of Syracuse. Well, why don't we give it up to Bethel for fucking understanding

that they weren't going to get lucky twice. So I just hopped on Netflix and saw a banner for a documentary about the festival titled Trainwreck. Woodstock 99. Yeah, that was not good, which I can assume covers the shit show that the festival was. Although the first was also a shit show, but more in the bathroom sense. Yeah, this was more like price gouging and sexual assault is what I remembered from that thing. I'm glad I didn't go. I haven't watched it yet, but thought you might be interested given that random music facts is one of your 5,000 interests. Little shade there. I get it. I have ADD. Sorry if you've talked about this on the podcast already. My six and seven year old partners and crime sons are keeping me on my toes lately. So I'm

a little behind on the episodes. Take care and go fuck yourself. I don't think I'm going to watch that because I remember the news reports. Maybe like if you if you didn't know what happened, it would be, I guess, kind of interesting or whatever. But it just I don't know, man, just human beings doing shit like that to each other. It's just, you know, everything from the price gouging to fucking all of that other shit, man. It's just terrible. Gee, Bill, you really went out on a limb. That's a really say that's a fucking really went against the grain there. All right, vitamin C and intermittent fasting. Oh God. Oh God. I tried intermittent fasting. It didn't work for me after six days. I quit vitamin C. I was all about that somebody says,

you know, the dosages they give over here are way too high and it could fuck up your kidneys. So now this person, you know what I think they're going to do? Because that person who told me wasn't a doctor. And now this person I'm assuming is not a doctor and then they're going to give me exact opposite information and I'm not going to know what to do. Dear Bill, the vitamin C article you saw was about people abusing it. It takes a lot to hurt your organs or do permanent damage with vitamin C. That kind of makes sense because wouldn't a bunch of us have kidney problems? Do I need to go into the kidney problem chat room on Reddit to get to the bottom of this? I like when Reddit gets to the bottom of it with a bunch of people who weren't even there

discussing what happened, you know, pulling pictures and splicing them together and putting music underneath it. We're talking way more than the recommended amount for days on end. All right. Well, there was a period there when I was doing the movie. I was taking those emergencies and that was like a thousand milligrams. That could have been good. Also, intermittent fasting is good for certain people in certain scenarios. I'm not a doctor. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. I like this person. But how do I know this? Because I read the full articles instead of just the headlines. Oh, you're giving me shit? Glad you didn't though, because I'd rather you ignorant and funny than reading properly. Thanks and go fuck yourself.

No, I read an article about it. I didn't just read the headline, you asshole. I read a different article that says the opposite of what you're saying. And then also, how do you know that the article you read wasn't from the people that sell vitamin C, paying these other people to say that this is a good fucking thing to do? All right, before you get on your high horse. I noticed that when I was trying to buy a fucking shop vac. I looked up the top 10 shop vacs and boy, oh boy, the first thing I clicked on had the top 10 shop vacs. And when you know it, everyone I clicked on was sold at Home Depot. You'd almost think they weren't sold anywhere else. It was almost as if somebody who was paid

by fucking Home Depot put together a list of all the shop vacs they have at Home Depot. You know, so you're not a doctor either. All right, so fucking my misinformation is just as good as your misinformation. I will not be talked down to as an uninformed person by another uninformed person. Okay, I can get my ego just as much as you can. All right, I never made fun of his kid. I never went down, Ray. I never went down. All right, how to kill a lobster. Dear Billy basket case. That's not even funny as much as it's painfully accurate. First off, love everything you do, blah, blah, blah. Listen, if you're not going to commit to the phony compliment, I don't need you to fucking do that. All right. I don't need you to get me

excited and then trail off. You know, don't fucking put that shit on me because you're not comfortable with emotions. Why can't you express love for another man? In your last episode, you were discussing the most humane way to dispatch of a lobster. I was asking if there was a way. And then I read an article, which I'm sure wasn't the real one, man. We need to talk to the vitamin C guy. Do you know the fucking FDA is allegedly filled with a bunch of people that used to work at big pharmaceutical companies and they were allowed to get those fucking jobs and then they allegedly pushed through drugs? That's something else I heard in a bar that'll make you uncomfortable and I can't back it up with any facts. About 20 minutes before dropping them into their final body

of water. Wow, dude. That was really eloquently written. About 20 minutes before dropping them into their final body of water. It's literally on death row. She soaks them in a solution of booze and water. Throw them in with that bottle of white wine and loose butt heavy from the fridge, etc. That's been in your fridge for weeks. Not only does it give them a last tour, there's a nice and loose, they're nice and loose going in so they don't tense up in the steam and the final product is more tender. Dude, you want me to give like a date rape drug to a fucking lobster? You want me to drug my victim? All the best to you and yours from a fellow red-bearded German-Irish cunt from the Northeast. God bless you. Yeah, I just, isn't it easier to just not

eat lobster? It's just so medieval and we will boil you to death for you insulted the queen. Well, no, she's a cunt. You just don't say it. How to break up with someone you live with. Oh, this is a good one. How to break up something with someone you live with. You know, you should know who should, Jesus Christ, what the fuck happened there? Too many hits to the head there. The people who need this information are all these morons you see on these murder shows. The amount of people that I watch on these murder shows that my wife thankfully has taken a break from, she goes through phases where she's just like mainlining Dateline NBC and we end up, I don't know, it's so fucked up because we're watching

murder shows but we end up getting a lot of laughs in that I just fucking tease her for like, why are you watching this? I just start mocking how horrible they are and then I just start singing, go to sleep, go to sleep. Like, why would you watch this right before you go to bed? But one of the things I've noticed is the amount of people, the first major crime they try to commit is not only murder somebody but it's somebody they know. That is the hardest fucking thing in the world to get away with unless you work for the government. No. It's the hardest thing to get away with because you're automatically a suspect. You'd never been busted for anything so you're not like some hardened criminal that knows how

to fucking handle interrogation to be like, am I being charged with anything? If I am, I don't want a lawyer. If not, I'm going to leave. I'm pleading the fifth. They don't do that. They go out and they always bury them in like their backyard. There always seems to be like, I got to tell you something right now. If your neighbor is putting in a well, he's thinking about killing his wife. If the guy's wife says, you know, you catch her in the pet store and she has a weird look on her face and says, yeah, we got a rodent problem. Yeah, she's trying to kill her husband. All right, the smart ones go to Home Depot and they buy a plate, you know,

a pane of glass. That's what you're doing. You bash it up microscopically and you just start putting it in their food. I think that's how it's done. I don't know. I know guys are supposed to be more evil, but at least if you get killed by a guy, it's over quickly. Like women, I swear to God, Jesus Christ, it takes them like eight months to slowly kill you. You know, there's a lot of women in prison that could write a book called The Eight Month Murder. It's fucking hilarious. It almost takes them this. Oh, this is an 80s joke. It takes them almost the same amount to have an orgasm as it does to kill somebody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Regonomics, everybody. Anyway, this, I actually believe if you're a progressive school,

there should be, they should have a class, a requirement that teaches people, young people, how to break up with people, teaches people how to know when a relationship isn't working. You know, and there would be less broken hearts. There'd be less murders. You know, I would think the Dateline NBC lobby would do everything they could in Washington to stop these courses from being treated, I mean, being taught to kids in college. And you know what they would do. They would just, all you got to do is to kill it. All you got to do is label it as socialism or communism and it's going to be fucking, this socialist agenda, then that'll be it. It'll be over. But yeah, the amount of time that you waste and the people you hurt and all that

type of stuff. So, you know, that becomes that thing. I remember a long time ago, I knew this woman and she was dating this guy and she was living with them and she would always go like, yeah, can't leave now. She just kept saying that and it did register me when I was younger and then they got a car together and they ended up breaking up and the whole time she wanted out and she just kept getting in deeper and deeper and deeper. It probably affected her sleep, crushed that guy because he probably thought he met the one and all that and all you know, all you need is just some information like this. All right, because there's a lot of people listening right now who want to get out of a relationship. All right, I'm going to read what they say and

then I'll give you my tricks to the trade. Okay, because when you're like a young guy, right, like you're first like, you know those guys that are just like, I'm just going to act like a dick so she breaks up with me. Stupid, stupid, rip the band-aid off. Brenna Tuxedo, you get a top hat, right? You're learning Al Jolson's song but you change the lyrics and you just sing about how you're going to break up with her. Sorry, I wish I knew an Al Jolson song. How to break up with someone you live with, here we go. Hey, Billy Red Rocks. I was almost going to call it that special. My wife is like, don't name it after your nuts and I was like, you're right. Loved your recent special and it's

also a more obvious joke, especially when my listeners are coming up with it too. I loved your recent special and all that jazz. Thank you. Let's get right to it. I have been with my girlfriend for three years now but I've decided that it's time to end things amicably. All right, good for you. The only issue is that we live together. Can you give me and listeners some advice on how to break up with someone whom you live with? Thanks a bunch. All right, this is definitely, there's a degree of difficulty here. All right, I'm standing up now. I'm walking around. All right, let's go with the positives. You're not with the person that you want to be with and you're aware of it and you're going to do this. All right, and there's no way to do this without

making a mess. So let's try to make the least amount of mess. So the number one thing is you're going to break up with there and you still have to live with there. Now ideally, ideally, you already have another place to go. Now there are extreme ways of doing it. You can do it this way. I'm kind of doing the cowardly way because you don't want to deal with her. You don't want to deal with her. You want to get the fuck out. Let's just be a man here. You want to get the fuck out. Hell, have no fury and you want to be away from the fury. So if there's a way that you can somehow put a deposit down on another apartment unless she's totally dependent on you, I don't know what your financial situation is, but I know a guy. Oh, I know a guy. I know a guy. This is how he did it.

His wife went out on the road, his girlfriend went out on the road and he already planned to do it, but he knew that she was nuts. So he already had another place. She left and the second the wheels left fucking LaGuardia, wherever the fuck they were, his brother came over. They packed up all his shit. They moved it to the new fucking place and then they sat down. Then when she came back, he sat down and she's like, where's all your stuff? And he's like, where I'm going to be living from now on because we're not going out anymore. Now that's the fast way to do it. Listen, you moved in on some level, you're going to have to be like, there's no easy way around this. So

if you're not in that type of financial position, which most people aren't, the biggest thing, all you have to do is break up with her. All right. You don't have to just stop catastrophizing about how awful it's going to be because it's going to suck. All right. So what I would do is know that she's going to be upset. She has a right to be upset and just don't get in any arguments with her and let her say everything she's going to say. You know, if she trashes your family, she makes fun of your dick size or your ability in bed and all the shit that they, when a woman gets mad, God knows, I mean, it's all, they can, no subject is off limits. They will try to rip your fucking soul out. She might not be, she might be cool. I have no idea,

but I'm just saying prepare for the worst. Here's the deal. Every time when she comes at you and she says that, just think in your head, imagine if I married that. Thank God I'm not marrying that. She is saying all this horrible shit to me right now because this is her last chance to do it. And then you're going to get the fuck out of there and it's going to be good. All right. And I don't know what your living situation is. If it's a one bedroom, that's good because at least you can sleep on the couch. You won't have to sleep next door. If it's a studio, I mean, I don't know. This is what I would say. If she, if she's making your life a living fucking hell, I would literally call your parents and just say, listen, I need two weeks to find a place.

I got to get out of here and I would take a sick day and when she's at work, I would just, I would just take all of your shit, your shit. Okay. Anything even remotely questionable. Hey, I paid for half of that couch. Fuck it. Leave it. Just take all of your shit, pack it up and just get the fuck out. That's what I would do. Why prolong it? All right. So I need more information. If people, listeners have been in that situation, I fortunately was never in that situation. So I can't speak from experience, but I do know of guys where they were living there and then the girlfriend immediately started bringing other guys home. You know, have you ever been that guy? You know, you come home, you think, you know, with the chick, you think you're

hooking up and you realize you're just spiteful cock for the evening. And then all the time you like, is there a lock on this door? Is that door bulletproof? Like, yeah, I'm not, I'm not doing this. Why don't you get all the way out of your last relationship? I'm out guys. Like, that's what you wish you had the maturity to do. You know, but as I've said in my other specials, your dick is a dreamer. Your dick believes, nah, man, we can do it. We can pull this off. It's not going to be a problem. He broke up with her. He doesn't care. You're going to be fine. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Oh, Jesus, I can't fucking believe that should happen to me. What an idiot. Why, why didn't I just say, we good? I should have said, we're

good, man. Sorry about that. I next time, I'm just saying this out loud. So I do that next time. I don't need to be that guy. Anyway, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll see you out in Queens and I'll check in on you on Thursday.