Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-9-21

Episode Date: August 9, 2021

Bill rambles about fast foods, cyclists, and laughter bans.

hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday August 9th 2021 what's going on how are you how's it going with you how you hanging in there Jesus Christ I gotta give a shout out right now right now to news junkies I don't know how you guys do it I don't know how the fuck you how the fuck how the fuck do you just sit around staying informed look at this shit Jesus Christ like I looked up I and I don't feel like I got I didn't really do much this week nothing that exciting I gotta talk to myself for an hour you know what am I gonna fucking talk about let's see what's in the

news Dixie fire mushrooms into second largest wildfire in California history Dixie fire continues to burn but these residents are staying Dixie fire rages into Northern California record books Biden's infrastructure bill crawls towards Senate passage is anything that's a but then I don't know I didn't want to get into a lot politics DeSantis whoever this guy is and they have the most grumpy is looking photo ever this guy is starting to build his stature in 2024 and he says he disagrees on mask mandates these kids aren't wearing masks the amount of people who not only don't even own a microscope or even have a

pair of scrubs you know unless they went to some Halloween party who are literally questioning doctors it's just at this point it's just hilarious these fucking pieces shit politicians he knows that that's what his fan base wants him to do so that's what the fuck he's gonna do unbelievable Barack Obama celebrates 60th birthday bash after scaling back guest list because of COVID concerns slash people who may or may not have gone to Epstein Island the Taliban has seized two more provincial capitals in the Afghanistan as the US exit nears not one uplifting story yet I guess Trump Obama turned in

60 that part was good but then he's got to scale back his guest list of other fucking murderers and you know cuz they don't want to get sick sorry I don't pay attention to the news so don't listen to me Trump's acting attorney general revealed frightening activity at Justice Department the rule of law pushing back against Trump's big lie and then finally the surprise band Jimmy Page once called his favorite American group it's little feet and then there's a boxing match and then Bruins way too early Bruins opening night lineup roster projections and these are the ones that says for you like here's the shit you

should be paying attention to recommended based on your interests oh I did get the Trump one that surprised me the rule of law pushing back I gotta see an end one after all the things I said about them that's amazing maybe they're trying to maybe the robots trying to win me back right-wing radio host and anti-vaxxer dies of COVID get the fuck out of here I gotta read that that's when somebody's against a helmet lock gets on a motorcycle and cracks his fucking head open a right-wing radio host from Florida who publicly criticized vaccines told his friends to get vaccinated shortly before he died

of COVID all right what is this slate.com who the fuck is this get the I'm not reading this shit how do I know that's true that's another thing to people you have to understand that there aren't there's no rules of libel or slander on the internet you can just basically write whatever you want and you can put some videos up and put some ominous music underneath it and then you know just sit back and let the mouth breathers fucking roll in oh the world is flat what anyway so I'm gonna try to be uplifting on this podcast now that I've read all of that fucking negative shit that's why right there is why I

don't watch news because there is a bunch of shit in there that is absolutely terrifying that I have absolutely no power over I cannot fucking change it I just I have little battles okay I no longer drink plastic bottle water I got my little thermos everywhere I go all right I found when I stay in hotels usually down at the gym you can refill it somewhere there at which point they're gonna get mad and they'll take that fucking thing out but if they really had a brain you just charge me for the water I think that that they should just have like water stations and everybody has the thermos like fucking our canteen like

Clint Eastwood no spaghetti Westerns you know maybe that maybe you know what maybe I shouldn't get so mad at these fucking cyclists you know what I mean because they're not pitting fumes into the air but then they get all hot and sweaty and they're adding to global warming other good news I weighed in the other day I was 170 9.8 I'm into the 170s although I ate bad last night like a fucking idiot oh man I found just like alright you know my my beautiful little daughter you know she took a week-long cooking class every day she'd come home with stuff that she made so they made like a loaf of bread so I was like ah

fuck it I'm gonna make some french toast with this I haven't had fucking French toast in a long time what was that from the 40-year-old virgin let's get some fucking French toast and I cooked it up and I made it and it was absolutely delicious but I screwed up I hit the crack pipe so later on that night my wife came home she's like what do you want to get to eat it was late night I was like I don't know you want to get something bad if we haven't eaten bad in like three weeks since she goes alright she goes you want to do it I go do what she goes you know I go I'm not fucking going there she goes come on you got to

go there I go I'll go to a taco truck she's like nah I don't feel like getting Mexican tonight so I go I'm not going to McDonald's I can't I can't I'm too old I can't do it can we at least go to Wendy's where it sort of looks like real meat can I do that and she's like who the fuck goes to Wendy's it's like I don't I relate to that little redheaded girl on the side okay she still has a dignity as opposed to that redheaded fucking clown what's what what's the deal with redheads the Burger King guy sort of a ginger what would you guys do if you found out that redheads were actually the ones that were running

everything right that we were the bluebloods I mean where our skin is almost transparent so you can definitely see our veins especially during the winter that's where blue blood came from I guess these pasty white people and they'd see their blue veins and they used to say that they had blue blood I guess because like most of these fucking idiots who don't have a medical degree who are speaking with authority rather than just listening to people who know what that it's like do you listen to your mechanic you're missing five out of six lug nuts I wouldn't go 80 miles an hour down down the fucking

fake nose yeah they didn't understand that it was the blood I guess going Jesus Christ now I can't even explain it I looked it up a long time ago it's basically you have oxygenated blood and what your body uses it up the stuff that has the CO2 and it's when it's coming out I guess when you exhale turns blue I'm sorry see this is why you shouldn't listen to me this is why you should only listen to people that have medical degrees what is that again how does that work I don't give a fuck I'll forget it I already looked it up obviously my brain is like dude you're you're you're out of your element here we we're just

gonna stick this information that you just read and spewed out back when I did it we're gonna stick it in a little shoebox and just add it to the pile of shit that you read but didn't quite understand so what would you do if red heads were the real bluebloods right and the way that we kept you all dumb was we were we were the people behind the fast food and that's why all of the mascots the Ronald McDonald's the Wendy's the fucking Ronald McDonald and look at the jack-in-the-box you tell me that doesn't look like me if I shave my beard off and I stand next to the jack-in-the-box guy you're gonna tell me you

see a difference creating a new conspiracy theory here that's how we keep you all fucking dumb and that's why the Sun doesn't like us because we're so negative I don't know this is something in there you know you throw a little kid in there with glasses and there's witches you got yourself like a trilogy yeah so anyway my kids been taking these class so we ended up going to fucking Wendy's and as I pulled in I go you know I'm not even that hungry anymore but I gotta fuck it I'll do it so my wife ordered smart you know she got a burger right and I went in there and I was just like ah you know first of all I

looked at their menu I'm like where are the square patties they used to be the single the double in the triple where the fuck is it they had all this other shit the Baconator the son of the Baconator the fucking I don't know what all of this shit and then the horrifying information next to it like this is 1100 calories it's like I know it's bad for me so fucking die you can score crack and it doesn't have a little fucking message on it anyway so I pull up to the fucking the big clown car thing there and if they go hi the guy goes welcome to Wendy's can I help you and I said I said to the guy say are you doing

tonight there was a pause and he goes I'm good I was like that's good to hear you know I always make sure I say hello to those people so fucking that's a brutal job even when you're young you don't give a fuck and you know it's your first foray out into the job fucking world it's not a fun job you know and all these nerds who try to make these fucking tiktok videos and then fucking with them you know they always feel like they get trolled one of the dumbest things you could ever do trolling somebody who's now gonna go handle your food anyway so I go let me get the number six the fried chicken sandwich and I'll get a coke the

guy goes all right and I bumped it up to the large fry so I get all this shit first thing he does is he hands me the drink which I swear to God the size I thought was gonna get like one of those old-school paper like once it was a giant plastic fucking cup which I wish I gave back to him because that fucking thing's gonna live for 800 to a thousand years in the ocean just because one night I wanted a burger with a coke right fucking I could literally with this thing I could fill up an above ground pool probably in an hour that's how big this fucking thing was and it was Pepsi too which just is the worst right so I

get all the food and we go back and I ate that chicken sandwich and it absolutely fucking sucked I didn't like one bite of it it absolutely sucked and I remember walking out my wife was just laughing at me you know not in a bad way but she goes was it really that bad I go it was fucking horrible and I was like I should have got a burger what was I thinking I mean it's Wendy's they make burgers you know they're just trying to take a little bite out of Popeyes or fucking see other big chick chick filet you go to chick filet you don't get a hamburger you go to Wendy's you don't get it you don't get a fried chicken burger

and I completely fucked up so I did that ate the fries the fries sucked the whole fucking thing sucked I sound like that that guy there playoffs the offense sucked the defense sucked we sucked which I think is actually his better rant I gotta find this thing because everybody always quotes him playoffs for me some spacing on his name playoffs there he is Jim Mora I gotta look this up Jim Mora we sucked oh this is it this is the greatest fucking my favorite Jim Mora ever second game we got our ass kicked second half we just got our ass totally kicked we couldn't do diddly poo offensively we couldn't make a first

down we couldn't run the ball we didn't try to run the ball we couldn't complete a pass we sucked the second half we sucked we couldn't stop the run every time they got the ball and went down and got points we got our ass totally kicked the second half that's what a boil down to the horse performance in the second half or I'm totally embarrassed and totally ashamed coaching art we are coaching did a horrible job the players did a horrible job we got our ass kicked in that second half it sucked it's stunk oh shit I love that one so I don't tell you what y'all fans sacked the defense sack we sacked us shit no I

can't shut this off 1976 Stanley Cup the Canadians versus the Flyers oh that's when Larry Robinson stood up to fucking Dave Schultz and ended the broad street bullies and sent them spinning back down to the bottom and here we are 46 fucking years later Larry Robinson destroyed that franchise in one fucking three-minute fight anyway so I ate that fucking food so I know I'm not 179.8 at this point so oh it's speaking of gyms speaking of gyms this is something I'm trying to just be positive so I'm done with the fucking you know plastic water bottles but every once every fucking two years when I go to Wendy's evidently I'm

gonna get some giant fucking I mean some kid could have brought the this fucking plastic cup to the beach and made a sandcastle hey people I'll tell you the couple is big okay I had like three sips of it stupid so anyway I've been trying to do something positive as you know the news is telling me my state's burning down is 130 degree days it's snowing in fucking Brazil so I guess that that's what's gonna happen we're just gonna have really cold winters in really hot summers and then we're all slowly gonna die is that what they're telling me I can't fucking go out like that I got to do something positive here

so there's a few places over the years you know out here that I've gotten to know what am I trying to say here yeah there's just some mom-and-pop places out here that you know have written into me or you know comics I know are trying to do some stuff some comedians I know told me of this gym it's a mom-and-pop gym that's just been you know it's not one of the big chain ones so they're having some financial difficulties it's called bodybuilders gym believe that's what it's called and they have a go fund me page save bodybuilders gym they all bunch of money in back rent and they could use your help if you got a little

bit of money you could throw it their way that'd be a positive thing to do I guess in the midst of all of this crap I just want everybody know that I am rooting for everybody at this point okay I'm rooting for people that got vaccinated and wear masks and I'm rooting for the people that don't you know I hope I hope whatever the fuck you're you're breaking this shit down it works out for you I don't want to see any more people die this shit but you know I don't know it's weird it's just a weird thing it's also 130 degrees out so I mean I don't know I don't know see I'm trying trying to be part of a football

season's coming everybody then we got that good for to get that as of today we are if you can believe it we are one month away the longest off season in the top four the big four professional sports is football season basketball and hockey barely get any time off it's July August September four months from the stand of the Stanley Cup final or the NBA finals day before they start back up again baseball ends October and then what is it there let's see them what is theirs theirs is November December January February March April I guess they go six months sort of do they yeah maybe they do but football season or maybe

just feels the longest way they now play the first week of February so March April May June July August March April May June July August September it's almost seven fucking months one of the saddest things in my life other than most most of the major decisions that I've made my life the only thing sadder than that is how quickly the regular NF that the NFL regular season goes by I mean just as you're getting settled in all of a sudden they're talking about the fucking playoffs playoffs hey what is it 17 weeks just flies by so as always I'm gonna try and try and get

to see as much as this as I can it's been the upside of COVID like last year I actually got to be home every football Sunday probably for the first time since when I used to live back in Boston way back in the day oh and speaking of that I'm taking the old red-eye back to Boston on Tuesday evening tomorrow evening so I can I could do the benefit for my buddy Wayne Previty you passed away slash benefit slash you know reunion of all these comedians that I started out with that are in and around the Boston area so many people are flying in for this event and it just really shows how much Wayne Previty

was loved by all of the comics that knew him he's just such a sweetheart of a guy and he saved me from a couple of asskickens and bars big guy big heart just a fucking awesome guy all of the proceeds are going to speaking of hearts the American Heart Association that fights heart disease and all of that crap so there we go and with that no I didn't even copy and paste my fucking advertisements did I let's see here oh then we're gonna get into oh Jesus Christ you know I asked the cyclists to write in my god picking on cyclists is like making fun of people that like Harry Potter you know or making fun of people that watch Marvel movies and

shit you know you just like making fun of them you know feminist fat people all of those fucking overly sensitive fucking people can't take a goddamn joke you know it is what it is it is what it is yeah so I start picking on cyclists right and all of a sudden they're coming out of the goddamn woodwork these people here's a thing about cycling all right if they just kind of got rid of cars or toned them all down to a massive in a massive way for like cities I would not have a problem with that you know cycling around I guess I would after a while I'm getting fucking old but I don't have a problem with that but they I don't know how you transition now you know with the roads and

all of that crap I have no fucking idea I don't know I could just tell you there's no you there's no fucking way you'd ever catch me on a bicycle riding in a town in a city anywhere everybody's on their fucking phones weed is legal I mean you understand this people out there waking bake they wake up they get fucking high and the thing about weed is is everybody thinks it's this amazing drug and they think it's not addictive now I'm gonna get the weed people pissed at me they think it's not addictive they think they drive better when they're high this is things like like guys who get fucking drunk and they drive drunk they wake up the next morning going like oh man I shouldn't have done that shit I need to fucking slow down people who

smoke weed are just like dude I drive better when I'm drunk you know I fucking I'm more artistic are you are you more artistic well you should have somebody stone sober look at your work when you're done but have your fun don't listen to me I'm just a grumpy old sober guy now I fucking get excited about french toast oh my god all right Roman Roman everybody you know most guys have tried different ways to last longer but saying the pledge of allegiance in your head oh by saying not but by saying the pledges pledge of allegiance in your head I never understood why you would do any of that you know what I mean you say the pledges pledge of allegiance in your head while you're banging some woman trying not to fucking bust a nut and then what next time

you go to a sporting event and somebody sings the national anthem you get a semi you're like what the fuck's going on with me um you got to go to therapy American flag makes your dick hard now you know can you imagine if that was a if that was a problem you had the American flag made your dick hard I mean Jesus Christ where could you go honey could you take this down to the post office I don't think that's a good idea why because I'm wearing sweatpants uh the folks at roman and online's men's health company are changing the game with roman swipes the secret to longer lasting sex sex sex sex roman swipes are clinically proven uh clinically proven way to last longer in bed they're effective easy to use and fast acting but don't require a prescription

roman can ship swipes to you in a discreet you know he comes so quick it's not going to say that unmarked packaging and each swipe packet is small enough to hide in your wallet for wherever you need it uh well wouldn't you just be up front with the woman just say listen I'm really attracted to you as you could see okay but I want to make sure that you know I don't get knocked out of the game in the first quarter all right so just hang on a second dude I'd have like a magician's hat on and I would cover up my dick with the thing just like you know they do one of those dumbass tricks and then you fucking pull it away voila enjoy my numbed up dick uh swipes are great they will not transfer to your partner so you can last longer without worrying oh good they don't

transfer because then you're both sitting there like are we fucking uh they're super easy to use just take the the swipes out of the packet swipe it on let it dry and you're good to go that's it go to get roman.com slash burr and get ten dollars off your first order of swipes plus free two-day shipping that's get roman.com slash burr for ten dollars off your first order of swipes plus free two-day shipping all right and with that oh my god I'm gonna get to these fucking people these goddamn people hang on a second there we go oh I didn't copy and paste anything I'm a fucking idiot this week it's supposed to what bill every other week all right take it easy take it easy somebody sent me this uh this clip because I guess it's rocket reshards 100th

birthday the great Montreal Canadian and there's this great clip of him talking about how one time he showed up to the arena before the game and he was tired and he was dragging ass and the coach said you look tired and he was just like yeah you know oh he's helping my brother move in moved a bunch of furniture around and all of this stuff so yeah I'm tired so instead of giving the uplifting speech he just tore into rocket reshard for how unprofessionally he was in all of that and then he went out there playing the red wings and he ended up scoring five goals and three assists and this the reporter or whatever the interviewer tells the story to rocket reshard going is that true he goes yeah it's true you know he's like

I've been you know moving the furniture around we slept on the floor I only got like three hours sleep he's like yeah that's all true so first of all what a good shit he is he's a professional hockey player and he's helping his brother move into an apartment you know sleeps on the floor down to earth guy and this out down to earth the guy is in the end when he was describing instead of saying he got he said I got five goals and two assists he actually knocked down the point and he said it was one of those lucky nights where everything went in called himself lucky and I'll tell you right now that's the type of humility that I don't see out there on this goddamn social media fucking thanks there all right so here we go

it says great emails bill great emails cycling cunt dear billy training wheels a cunt is a cunt whether you're driving a car or riding a bike why do you think cyclist cunts are cuntier than a lazy car driving bald cunt like you okay okay let's let's look at that whole sentence I'm lazy because I drive a car how does that make me lazy I guarantee you buddy you're not working harder than I am in life you're not okay you're not so go fuck yourself and then secondly like this is how you why you guys are cuntier because I don't hold up 40 fucking cars behind me and act like I don't know they're there and I'm too much of a cunt to just move five feet over you know I'm not saying that then that there's not bad drivers out there I'm not even saying that

I'm not a cunt okay but there is there is a scale here you know what I mean there's slapping your fucking neighbor and then there's robbing a bank different jail sentences right so I don't know how you think just riding down the street like you're in a bike race in the middle of the fucking lane and nobody can get around you and you act like you don't notice that there's 20 cars around you and you can't just like you know when there's a moment where the guy could go on the other side of the road if you just moved over a little bit and you just still don't do it yeah I would say that you're more of a cunt and this is from a cunt so I know one when I see one anyway if there are no bike lanes bikes will be on the road

I don't mind that they're on the road it's when you're in the middle of the road blocking the whole lane and there's no bike lane you're just blocking the whole fucking lane that's what I'm talking about these fucking cyclists they they keep acting like they don't understand what you're talking about you should consider putting pressure on your politicians to build more bike lanes oh is that what I should do with my free time I should take up your cause making the road safer for cyclists and less annoying for angry cunts like you see this shit look at this like I'm the fucking problem here and you guys aren't all right I guess it's my fault I guess it's my I like I would be less of an angry cunt

that's what that's like a really a Dr. Phil solution I'm not an angry cunt because of cyclists I have anger issues from fucking abuse when I was a kid that's why I'm angry you dumb fuck all right and I guess you going out there in your little stupid outfit blocking traffic when I'm trying to pick my kid up at school or I'm trying to get to a meeting and you just won't move over a cunt here and then you turn around and I give you the peep I'm not even beeping at you I'm giving you peep like hey buddy just letting you know I'm here can you let me get by and then you just turn around and give me the finger but like I'm the angry cunt right I don't know love from a lycra I don't know what that is wearing mostly law abiding cyclists from

Berlin Germany well at least and he goes please keep talking shit about cyclists I love hearing your podcast while causing traffic jams on roads with bike without bike lanes I know you guys seem to be really good at that all right biker riding here dear anti biker bill I am not an anti biker I am anti staying in the road with the funeral procession of cars behind you I'm just asking you fucking ballet slipper wearing cunts to just move over a little don't you guys always yell share the road anyway I've been an urban cyclist in the people's republic of Seattle for over 10 years and have had hundreds of harrowing encounters with cars pedestrians and other bikers yeah I imagine the big thing rather than getting run over which is probably the worst is people opening their

car doors after they park I've had people do that to me dry when I'm driving a car there are idiots and or thoughtless individuals doing everything but most of us or at least half of us okay okay some of us are just trying our best dude I saw this morning I came down my fucking street and right as I'm getting to the to the uh you know to be able to turn on to the busy street I see literally 20 cyclists in a row go by all right and here's the deal they all had these little flags in the back of their cars cut up their bikes they all had helmets on and they were dressed in regular clothes and guess what they did they rode on the side of the road and there was no problem getting past them and I was thinking like yeah that's how that's how people used to do it it's the new thing when you

go all the way out in the road all right as you alluded to by saying people in regular clothes are usually good shits your empathy is admirable as always oh god I think he set me up here the people in Tour de France Tour de France Tour de France always said gear taking a lane just because they're assholes and I abhor them too well look at this but sometimes you have to take the lane it's safer than riding in the door zone next to parked cars okay that's fair enough so if there's no parked car then I can be upset here in Washington we adopted the Idaho stop last year yeah I looked this up in California uh cyclists has to come to a full stop at stop signs and red lights which evidently none of them know that here in Washington we adopted the Idaho stop last year which puts

into law that cyclists can treat stop signs as yield signs and stop lights like stop signs which means you'd have to come to a complete stop look both ways and if it's safe you can go they've been doing this in Idaho since since the 80s and it has proven to decrease traffic for motor vehicles and bikes alike as well as reducing collisions and fatalities well then that's good then I'm all for that it all it's also how most bikers behave anyway uh furthermore cyclists have killed exactly zero people not including themselves by running traffic lights well dude that's the point that's the point is that you're going to run the light and then somebody's going to come the other way and then kill you and then for the rest of their life they have to deal with

the guilt of that so because they don't kill anybody that they should be allowed to ride out in front of people and then get themselves killed and then the person has to fucking live with that I don't know whereas over 38,000 people die in car related crashes per year in America so the onus is on them to be more cautious wow dude you really took a leap there okay so the I would tell you this buddy I am way more cautious if I'm riding if I was to be riding a bicycle down the street knowing that there's cars and people texting so uh I don't think that riding around maybe you're not saying this but it sounds like you're saying that riding around well it's not my job to be more

careful it's those people's jobs because they could kill me I feel like if you're the person that could get killed you should be extra careful and not blowing through red lights and stop signs even if it fucking you know reduces traffic which is not why you guys do it you do it because you don't want to fucking take your little dancing slipper out of the fucking hook on the on the thing there or whatever um anyway hope this wasn't too long now finish your kale and watercress nut smoothie that actually sounds yummy if do I fucking goddamn foray into fast food last night get your pasty fat ass on a bike and go for a ride um no dude you wouldn't you wouldn't catch me on a fucking bicycle there's just no fucking way there is I'll ride a bike bicycle at a beach where

there's like a fucking bike lane I'll do that but there's no fucking way I would ever be dumb enough to ride a bike down the street where the cars are let alone dress up like I'm riding in a bike race who wants to die dressed like that was this guy in a triathlon no he was going to the post office people sponsor that now these people he's just giving he's just he's just free advertising anyway all right I'm gonna stop being a cunt I get it it's it's better for the environment if people ride bikes and all of that stuff so I respect cyclists but can you just can if this if there's only one lane and you're right in the middle of it is there any way you could just fucking move over for half a second and if somebody gives you a little peep just to let

him know that they're not give him the fucking finger you know can you just fucking do that and I have even brought up when like when that sea of angry kids all decide that they're all gonna ride bikes down the street and they get super aggressive and start yelling at you as you're sitting in your car like I don't know what I did just I'm just trying to get where I'm going you know just like a bunch of kids who were never hung by their parents riding by in this mob and then deliberately stopping traffic like this is a protest against what what your parents who didn't fucking hug you all right let's see what those protests are all about before I make another bigger fool of myself bike swarms uh I spelled it wrong bike swarms swarms of dragonfly what are you

right bike gatherings stopping traffic block while riding group riding the legal aspect oh wait a second come on this is a whole fucking it's a whole new world out here all right blocking well this is what I've wondered about is this this is probably legal uh whenever taking to the road safety is often at the air for front of them come on buddy just get to the fucking point this is like one of these fucking stuff it's like what are these fucking you know you look up you know how to how to make cinnamon french toast you know cinnamon french toast the people really don't know where the origin is I don't care where it is it's called french toast I'm guessing it's from France if it

isn't I don't care just tell me the ingredients please um whenever taking to the road safety is often at the forefront on writer's minds maybe even more so when riding in a group staying together dude there's literally so much advertising I can't even read the words here staying together on a long ride can be challenging when maneuvering through city streets and intersections one solution motorcyclists have found is blah oh this is motorcycles it's a whole other fucking can of worms um um I wonder what would happen if we all switched to fucking bikes there's no way you could ever do it I mean people won't even put on a fucking mask for three minutes to walk into a 7-11 to buy

some beef jerky without feeling like they're living behind the Berlin wall and pouting and gronks spiking a gallon of milk I love when people do that and then what am I supposed to clean that up is that what I'm supposed to do you fucking baby all those phony patriots I love all those people with the American flag in their front yard they act like they're a patriot you're just a selfish cunt that's all that's all I'm really seeing in all of this okay you're a selfish cunt you just want cheap gas and you don't give a fuck how many babies have to die but when it comes time for you to step up and do the right thing for your country man all of a sudden you know oh I don't trust the government love it or leave it um anyway it's time for california legalize the safety stop I'm not

reading any of this shit I'm not reading any more of this crap um all right what the hell am I this is what happens when I don't copy and paste my stuff here all right redhead at the gym redhead at gym dear billy bald fuck today I saw the hottest guy a ginger at the game and I immediately thought of you lol yeah that's a joke because you are one yourself holy shit look at that get in the compliment do you have any tips on approaching a redhead the rarest of breeds thanks and go fuck yourself you know we respond to hello I would say you know we might have a surprised look on our face you know I'm just fucking with you I mean is there a way I know you're just joking around I don't know why don't you just fucking go up there once you try out

I'm not gonna fucking write an opening line for you how do you approach a redhead uh so what level sunblocks do you use um oh good luck with that good luck with you banging the hot ginger at the gym uh redhead down oh look at this I'm getting everything from cyclists to uh redheads this week I like it I never really reach out to my people uh redhead down under I got this might be my favorite one hey billy shit tits I love profanity that doesn't really even make sense but that but that also does you said you never heard of the term phanta pants on the last podcast I haven't I've heard a fan of the soda I've never heard of phanta pants on the last podcast as a fellow redhead from Australia

it has been thrown my way many times before the phanta soda drink being orange color in pants referencing your pubes oh my god that's hilarious it's a simple dig that the curtains match the drapes pretty much I like that phanta pants uh growing up I never had much luck with the ladies moved abroad to europe and bam two weeks in met my now wife together for five years with a beautiful daughter I wasn't looking for the one at the time but this is usually when it happens to people supposedly uh so hope that encourages other listeners to make the move abroad if the fish ain't biting locally yeah all of a sudden you got you got an accent you're a world traveler you're interesting unless you're a mouth breather moron then you just embarrass your country

also we just went on holiday to Bosnia in Herzegovina it's a beautiful country check it out one day love what you do bill all the best and go fuck yourself I actually was watching the women's 100 with 10 000 meter race which was unreal it was so fucking hot these women were just collapsing I mean I have never seen like Olympic athletes just like tap out like that it's just like this fucking I don't know I don't want to scare you with the global warming but I mean you would think that if you worked your whole life for that moment you'd go around the track enough you've obviously ran 10 000 meters before they couldn't even get through it um but I was watching there was uh two women from Kenya I think and then one woman from Bosnia and uh I don't know I like

watching those endurance sufferfests I also watched a little bit like the first quarter of the women's gold medal I missed the guy's gold medal I watched some of the swimming I don't know I really got into it I really actually enjoyed the Olympics this time through um laughter ban that by the way getting back to the other guy that is such a big thing I wish I did that when I was younger if you just just go out and what you know when the world becomes normal again if it ever will if this is the new normal um yeah you go travel somewhere and you got a fucking accent forget about it you know you're like kevin bacon and footloose all of a sudden you're teaching a whole town how to dance uh laughter ban dear billy boo all people gonna call me billy boo who the

amount I'm going off on fucking cyclists um dear billy boo I like bill billy boo who dear billy boo who what are you bitching about this week on the podcast um I'll tell you what I'm bitching about ever since I've signed up for watching the Red Sox online they can't win a fucking game they just lost three or four to Toronto they lost two or three to the Tigers they got swept by Tampa and I'll tell you the schedule doesn't get any easier we got Tampa coming up we're now in second place oh yeah yeah yeah yeah um but what's his face sale is uh rehabbing I think he had a start last night in triple a or something like that when he gets back he'll be able to help us stop this kid we'll get it going again hey better to have this kid now than in October doesn't everybody

make the playoffs now playoffs uh dear billy boo a few months ago a reader wrote into the podcast about censorship and some crazy stuff that was happening at their kid's school last week I got a letter from my kid's school it was basically an outline of what kids and parents should expect going into the new school year all right tucked away in the middle of the COVID protocol and it's got exciting school activities was some new guidelines on joke making it essentially says that kids are not to make any jokes and parents shouldn't instruct children not to provoke laughter oh my god do you see what happens do you see what happens when unfunny people get a voice on social

media wow they're gonna get rid of class clowns I thought that this was maybe some bullying related stuff and wrote it off later in the week I ran to my neighbor who has a kid in the same school system he's a real nice guy and loaded and does a lot of volunteering in town i.e organizing leagues and raising money for families who need help real salt of the earth he tells me that he ran into the principal at a recent outdoor event and asked about the bullying clause in the email specifically if this was provoked by any serious bullying of a child the principal proceeded to tell him that laughter had nothing to do with education and jokes of all types were offensive this sounds like a bad movie my neighbor asked if knock knock jokes were okay and he said absolutely

not he he went even further to say that teachers were instructed to discipline any child who was laughing or being silly this is great I mean they are they are creating the incubator for the next generation of comedians possibly the greatest comedians of all time I had a hard time believing this so I did some something I've never done nor thought I'd ever do I called the school and talked to the principal I had to know for myself this sounds like clickbait after a few questions about what prompted the no jokes allowed policy he accused me of being an educational detractor who was promoting archaic tendencies in my own children what was your response ooh big words I wear a tie uh because he said this to him he said

because I said that laughter is an important part of life even then quickly chain he then quickly changed the subject and asked what my political affiliation was I said what oh in a high screeching voice what like you would say playoffs he responded to my what by saying he had the ability to contact child services if he felt any child was in danger of mental abuse wow yeah this guy's handling his position of power really well needless to say my blood was boiling and I hung up the phone I have a few ideas about how to handle this I don't want to stir things up but also it seems unwise to let someone threaten me with child services and call me archaic for wanting my son to be able to laugh and not be a drone while in school how would you handle this

all right how do I handle this uh I don't know how do you handle this how how do you do this now with like all of these fucking people out there that just ruin all of this shit I don't know I mean you can't get your kid kicked out of school I mean this sounds like a great clickbait piece for a newspaper or something but that always seems like a bitchy move to me to just fucking rat somebody out like that I don't know you know what I would actually do I think I might go above the guy's head and just say that I was simply I think you have somebody who's wildly out of control with his own

power I simply asked what you know why my kid couldn't laugh in school and he threatened to call child protective services first of all dude I wouldn't I mean it's the only thing that should make you mad is the threat of that that he actually is just threatening you but what are they gonna do they're not gonna do anything they can't take your kids away because you question why my son can't laugh at school he's gonna have no bruises or anything like that but it's that's that is a full-on fucking crazy person is this real are you just trolling me I can't believe this is true if this is if this is a joke there's really well written I gotta look it up all right I'm take I'm you fished me I'm not fucking taking the bait here laughter ban in schools

speech code of the month Drexel University's harassment policy bans inconsiderate jokes and inappropriate in appropriate inappropriately Jesus Christ I'm done inappropriately directed laughter wow wow mom I got suspended for three days for inappropriately directed laughter but where were you directing this inappropriate laughter I don't know I turned my head in the face of the janitor I was looking away from the fat kid and it turns out he was missing a leg I was I was trapped in a triangle to Jenica laughter epidemic

laughter epidemic what is this the 10 10 10 gun nika laughter epidemic of 1962 was an outbreak of mass hysteria I'm on Wikipedia now or mass psychogenic illness rumored to have occurred in or near the village of kashasha nothing I've read in the last 20 minutes has seen real on the western coasts of lake victoria in taga nika which was once united with zanzibar this is none of this is true became the modern nation of tanzia near the border of Uganda history the laughter epidemic of what do they have rabies on january 31st 1962 at a mission run boarding school for girls in kasha it started with three girls and spread throughout the school affecting 95 of the 159

pupils other is the laughter epidemic obviously a a slang for whatever disease they had symptoms lasted from a few hours to 16 days the teaching staff were unaffected and reported that students were unable to concentrate on their lessons the schools closed on march 18th the epidemic spread to somewhere else the village where several women lived mostly young villagers had laughing attacks all right what happened did somebody light a giant fucking bong and the cloud went over over the this this true or false here we go laughing epidemic true or false it was no joke the 1962 laughter epidemic was no joke according to

some stupid website the chicago tribune oh jesus christ i i this is the fucking internet i i don't believe anything on the fucking internet anymore i just i just don't i just i'm like a fucking sit here wasting my time looking up the laughter epidemic did it happen did it not happen um what would i do with that guy um well in a perfect world you could walk up to him and be like hey fat so whatever the fuck he looks like a baldy you know i would i would approach the guy just like you know something you threaten to call child services you know i gotta be honest with you dude i i i never do this i would go above that guy's head and i would i would file a complaint and what's the worst that's gonna

happen your kid can't go to that fucking school fuck this guy fuck this guy if this is actually real fuck that guy i would go above the guy's head and just say you know in a very calm way you know i mean that person should not have that job nor should they ever have any power um i'm trying to think what happened to that person as a kid you know what i mean had man boobs it was shirts and skins and gym class and they made him take his shirt off some sort of uh what was that that that movie where they dumped the blood over the uh the prom queen carry this guy had some carry shit happen to him so now your kid can't have any joy um yeah i would go over his head that's what the fuck i would do i would i would not tolerate that um

oh man that reminds me of a landlord of mine that helped break into my apartment when i was on the road they they were checking the smoke detectors and i was on the road for three weeks so they had the evidently the right to go into my apartment to make sure that there was no uh you know there was nothing wrong with this you know smoke detectors working because if they weren't there was a fire it could affect the whole building so under that they came in and uh i remember i came into my apartment and i just felt like something was wrong because it was a notice but i just felt and i just started looking around and uh they had stolen a camera they had picked through my cds they just took some nicknack shit and i went downstairs and told the guy and the guy immediately goes you know

i don't appreciate you coming down here accusing my staff and he immediately got defensive and i was just like you fucking idiot now i know you did it but there was really nothing i could do i called the cops and they said well unless you have like you know they dusted for fingerprints or whatever they there's nothing they could do and uh so i just stood down there in front of the office just told a few people not to rent from there that's all i had i was like dude i'm a comedian i can do this all day and the reality was i had to go on the road the next day so my fuck you to them was i changed the locks and then i moved out i moved out and then left the real lock in the middle of the apartment but then years later i realized well when they couldn't get in they just called

the locksmith so the locksmith what i basically did was i gave a locksmith some money i cost them that money and they never gave me my uh security deposit back or anything they just was a crooked fucking place well that takes me to a bad place all right let's plow ahead overrated dear billy cake belly belly cake belly is good i love shit tits uh i am currently on summer vacation in greece good for you while driving near the beaches i noticed a lot of people mostly tourists put out their hands and arms through the window while driving and doing stupid wave motions yeah maybe it's an instagram thing but for me this is the equivalent of people whistling while walking to demonstrate to everyone hey look how look at me look how happy i am this is one of the

stupidest things and most annoying things i am currently seeing on a daily basis and i am secretly hoping that an upcoming truck or palm tree cuts on of this country waving arms all right cuts off country where anyway love the podcast and wish you and the your beautiful family all the best you know that's something i would do if i was in greece on a vacation i would allow something like that to annoy this shit out of me so i i feel your pain well you know how people are they probably saw somebody else do it and they're like i want to do what people do and that's basically how people are you know remember that planking or flipping the water bottle i actually didn't mind the flipping the water ball now when i think

about it because it just took me back to the days before video games we just had to like entertain yourself but then again people couldn't do it without videotaping videotaping themselves i don't know people i you know every time i think that i have regained my sanity during all of this shit i go off the rails again and this is this is one of this has been one of these podcasts so if you're concerned about me i understand and rightly so if you're just sitting back laughing at me i also get that too but anyway let's see who my fucking red sox have next is it tampa i think they were playing an afternoon game today weren't they let's see red sock score come on red socks score red sock score eight to four red socks there we go bottom of the seventh let's turn the

game on looks like i missed everything toronto blue jays go up one nothing after one then the red socks come back with three runs in the top of the second one run in the top of the third blue jays get one back four to two three more runs top of the seventh they must have their fucking the fifth guy in the rotation the blue jays um to make it uh let's see that that would be seven to two and then of course blue jays get two more seven or four then we get one eight to four what is it right now it's the bottom of the seventh do i dare turn it on bill for the love of god you're the fucking the mush don't turn it on i'm turning it on watch this nobody out runners on second and third all right here we go bottom of the seventh turn the fucking turn the thing right now

let me see my red socks oh no oh Jesus oh this this this son of a bitch flatamere guerrero's son is up this guy's a beast they got a runner on first base is there anybody out uh when he throws a fucking passball jesus christ the second i turn it on it is me all right just hang out with me for half an inch shall we run around second base he's even looking around like i can't fucking believe that guy just threw the ball that bad oh i know this guy this is japanese guy this guy's throws fucking gas i love this guy i've been watching for six whole games i love how the mullet's coming back look at these batters could they have more fucking protection look at the guy looks like

he's peeking out of a phone booth covering up his whole jaw all right alex korey he's wearing a mask you know look at that he's coming around where'd you get that mask out of a trash can all right what do we got here comes the pitch and it's in the fucking dirt he goes to third base bill shut the fucking game off can't do it i can't do it what are we doing here all right alex just called on the black guy who yelled throw the damn towel and fucking rocky throw the damn towel called his son in uh-oh and i catch your hurt his wrist latin mayor guerrero juniors going you know we're gonna win this game right i mean you guys you guys are gonna lose we think we're gonna lose yeah yeah ah jesus

oh jesus christ they're talking what are we doing here is there a reason you're throwing it into the dirt for some fucking reason we're trying to win oh it bounced up and caught him on the wrist come on guys how many outs are here what do we got here zero outs runner on third base well that's it for him well he usually pitches well everybody has a bad day i had a bad podcast today all right yeah one guy one guy said good game good game two guys good game all right now there's okay now they're gonna change pitchers so this is gonna take an entirely there comes a guy ah fuck i thought i had a night i thought i had the night off the red glove because it matches my

socks all right i'm just doing this because i know somebody's gonna find this fucking footage i didn't know you could switch it you can switch pitchers in the middle of it and a bat i didn't know you could do that i thought he had to get hurt all right that's it and there's some woman who just caught sunlight in a fucking pot all right i'm done with this shit okay that's the podcast everybody uh why would people be capturing sunlight during global warming are they catching capturing the breeze is this what was in the briefcase in pulp fiction now i'm into this commercial keep it golden powered down four to nine nobody's gonna do that they won't wear masks you think

they're not gonna have their air conditioner it's my it's my fucking god giving right to keep my balls nice and frosty from four to nine go fuck yourself this is america all right that's it everybody um um i'll check in on you on thursday go fuck yourselves go red socks for the love of god go red socks uh and i will talk to you on thursday all right enjoy yourselves try to be positive you know i don't know why you listen to this podcast if you're trying to be positive but uh you know bang in there all right i'll see you