Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-12-16

Episode Date: September 12, 2016

Bill rambles about football, strip clubs and quitting on stage.

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What's going on? How are you? This wonderful, wonderful football Monday fucking morning I'm actually recording this Sunday afternoon I think I'm going to be doing this in like two different chunks I'm going to do it before my show and after my show Because I got to travel tomorrow and the podcast would be later than it usually is So unfortunately, because I've been on the road I have not seen the UFC event yet So I know some people ask me if I was going to be talking about it

I definitely will, very excited to watch it But I will not be able to talk about it until Thursday's podcast So sorry to all the fight fans who like to listen to me And my usual ignorant, completely not knowing what the fuck I'm talking about way Talk about that fucking great sport So, having said that, it finally just dawned on me After living in Los Angeles since 2007 And also being there in the late 90's

That it's finally dawning on me that we're actually finally going to have a NFL team out there Which is great, because maybe I can finally see my Patriots play without having to fucking fly somewhere I could just go right down the goddamn streets, which would be tremendous For a man like myself, sliding into 50 years old 48 years old, man, I don't want to fucking do this I can't jump on another south-west flight to watch Tom Brady pick apart yet another fucking defense In some Godforsaken stadium I want to go right down the street, like an old man, right?

Where my old man hats, so I don't sunburn the top of my fucking bald head It'd be tremendous I know that they're building a stadium And I've just been so busy, I haven't even fucking thought about it And I'm like, tomorrow night, Monday night football is going to be the Rams first game in Los Angeles since 1995 What the hell are they playing this game? Turns out they're back at the LA Coliseum Which is where they played when I was a kid

Back when I used to watch Pat Hayden, Vince Farragamo, that quarterback controversy Wendell fucking Tyler And then they also had the Youngbloods, Jim and Jack Youngblood, Jack playing the Super Bowl Against the Pittsburgh Steelers, played it on a fucking broken leg I mean, I don't know if it was a compound fracture, hairline fracture, whatever But his leg was fucking, was broken Are they going to fucking play defense, you assholes? Sorry, I got a game on in the background

I don't know why, I love the Giants, but I'm rooting for this kid on the Cowboys You know, that press card, he's been pretty good so far, you know You know, I'll tell you, they want me to do the fucking dumb analysis When I tell you what I like about this guy, he's standing in the pocket He's feeling the pressure, he's got the clock in his head He's not rushing, he's looking at second and third options Okay, what we're seeing here is not what we saw last year when so-and-so was in there And he had happy feet, he was patting the ball and he was telegraphing his pants

Gives a fuck, all I know is he's throwing the ball and guys with the same colored shirt are catching it And they're putting points on the board, it's 9-7 currently And I'm enjoying it very much there You know, Eli's going to come back here, he's going to stomp his foot, he's going to make a fucking audible I love that Peyton Manning's fucking retired and I got to look at his dumb face even more Because he's going to be in every fucking commercial God bless the guy, God bless him You know, I should talk with my Charlie Brownhead, what would you rather have?

My Charlie Brownhead or his number two pencil fucking neck and head That's a, oh that's a rough one, you know, but he's got the full head of hair So you got to give him that, right? He's a Hall of Famer, he's got plenty of fucking money He owns part of Budweiser That's fucking asshole, that destroyed me Do you realize the ego on me that I actually just, I just fucking mentally measured myself to a Hall of Fame fucking quarterback As a what, a dick and shit joke telling comic and a host of a fucking podcast where I sit

I lie on the sit, I fucking lay down in godforsaken fucking hotels in the middle of nowhere You know what I mean? I'm in Virginia right now Okay, the state that professional sports forgot Virginia is such a fucking enigma, you know what I mean? It's like, you're in the South, they don't have any professional teams And then their college teams haven't made enough fucking noise You know what I mean?

Like if you're in South Carolina they don't have a professional team But they got, they got Clemson, they got the Gamecocks Right up here you got Virginia, you got Virginia Tech You know, no fucking disrespect But you know, last time Virginia was on the map for me Was when Ralph Sampson played center for your team You know, and I'm not into fucking Jamestown And this bearded fuck who came over here

You know, what do you mean, Pocahontas? And he chopped down some trees and he made the first drive-in movie theater And he put his fucking hand up or a little fucking leather flap there Whatever the fuck, I'm not into it The first settlements, I don't give a shit I don't care about, I almost said Tom and Jerry Thomas Jefferson's house is his here I know George Washington is, like I find that stuff just mind-numbingly boring

I don't know what it is The Civil War is interesting to me God knows they'd have some shit like that here But I don't know, I haven't seeked it out World War II, that's the good fellas of fucking wars As far as I'm concerned As far as, you know, the footage of it You know, there's been enough of the stories documented

You know, they got Ken Burns, the war He did that whole great thing on World War II World War I fascinates me because nobody ever talks about it You know what I mean? It's like, you know, like the Godfather Part III You know what I mean? Just like nobody really brings it up Well, not really, because no one criticizes that

But they trash Godfather III I don't know what the fuck I'm saying But the Revolutionary War The war that basically got us away from England And allowed us to become what we are Which is a tremendous nation And also tremendously fucked up, right? But whatever, makes us what we are

Meatball sub-having fucking country that we are It just bores me to tears There's something about powdered wigs There's something about buckles on your hat You know what I mean? There's just certain parts of history That either appeal to you or they don't And the fucking Revolutionary War

I could just give a fuck You know what I mean? The Revolutionary War to me is like when you watch Highlights of the NBA in the 1960s And people are taking set shots and diaper shots And you know, everything's considered a carry And nobody's dunking I mean, what is exciting about a fucking war

We got a bunch of guys in red coats Standing up, standing in line Like they're doing a halftime show Well, you got a bunch of dirty filthy fucking Americans Hiding behind trees, picking them off I just don't under, it's just I mean, it's just a bad game plan to begin with I like pirates

I don't know when the fuck did pirates end? I know recently there was a pirate movie Because Tom Hanks made the movie I love how Tom Hanks is just like If there's any sort of heroic act It's like he has to play the part I don't give a fuck If you're in space

Alright If there's a disease He's done the disease He's been lost in space He's dealt with pirates I'm sorry, my voice is fucked, pirates He's fucking He's dealt with identity theft

He's landed a plane in the Hudson River You know what I mean? And he's great at all of it But it starts to get to the point of like Who the fuck does this Tom Hanks think he is? You know, as much as he's doing all of this In the movies, has Tom Hanks ever Even rescued a cat out of a tree?

You know what I mean? I just don't understand where Where he gets off accepting all these roles At some point, I mean, if I was him I'd be like, I have to go out and do something Something, you know what I mean? I gotta help an old lady cross the street Is that a weird thing to think?

Like if I was like one of those action heroes At some point, I would have to learn How to fucking shoot a gun I'd have to get in a bar fight And you'd have to win, you know? At some point, you just feel like When you feel like an asshole on set How many times can you do that Bruce Willis

Look over your shoulder where you raise up one eyebrow And you just catch the camera crew looking at you And you know when they could all beat the shit out of you And you're sitting there in this fake third of a plane Right rudder, whatever the fuck you gotta yell Yeah, Bill, it's called acting, you douchebag Yeah, you know, I'm just fucking around I love Tom Hanks, you know what I mean?

He seems like a swell guy He's very wholesome, you know what I mean? It's funny, he started off, you know I don't think the religious right would have liked him You know, when he was in the dress But I think gradually he's become very, you know, appealing To the people on Fox News He totally redid himself, you know

Like a lot of Republicans A lot of Republicans start, you know, at some point They're in a dress, right? And then they apologize and they say that it's the booze You know what I mean? And then they just get super hardcore into Jesus Where it was your Democrats, you know You know, they're fucking, they're in their bare feet

College walking around Taking LSD and all that type of shit, you know Then they lie about it later I mean, what I'm talking about All I know is I just wish I could hit pause And never have this election happen This has got to be This is just

There's no winning There's no fucking winning But for the first time ever I think I'm going to have to vote for one of the two fucking leading candidates I don't know, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? Yeah, worst case scenario, you just deal with one of them for eight years You know how long it's going to get Trump

Just to get somebody to fucking get the contract That piece of shit will probably give it to his own company Trump wall building Love his name spelt out all over the fucking thing Bill, why do you try to talk politics? You know you don't pay attention Alright, let's plow ahead I was talking about the Rams here

And does anybody know You know what's funny is I'm on their Wikipedia page And somebody hacked it It's funny because the owner's name right now is little bitch And the head coach is get a new one So I'm sure the rest of this stuff here is reliable Teams history, now I actually knew this I got all this stuff in front of me

I knew some of this stuff Because I am a fucking nerd when it comes to sports That the Rams initially started in Cleveland Why they were called the Rams? I have no fucking idea As far as I know there are no Rams I don't know if there's any fucking Rams in the United States are there? That's certainly not in Ohio

There's definitely some buffalo if you know what the fuck I mean Fucking Midwestern people Do they ever not get seconds? You know what I mean? Look how they make their pizza there Rams Let's see here Rams in the USA

If I had to guess I would say maybe Montana I didn't think they're in Colorado We'd want to be around all those dirty hippies out there growing weed I'm just fucking with you God bless them Ram USA Do I literally have to write animal? Rams and USA animals I was going to have a bunch of barefoot people at the fucking airport

Big horn sheep Do you have to correct me every time you cunt? Alright big horn sheep my mistake Oh hang on that's room service Alright I'm back Jesus Christ he's fucking God damn sheep are all over the place They are in Colorado

They're in Wyoming, the western parts of South Dakota, North Dakota They are some fucking The appendix that hangs off of Baja whatever the fuck you call it That hangs off of California They're down there Nothing in Cleveland Alright what the fuck was the point I was trying to make

So anyways they were in Cleveland Alright let's get the momentum going again here 5.57 I gotta be at the fucking place by 6.30 here I haven't showered I haven't ironed my clothes Does anybody know do they have the record for like moving the most It's gotta be for a professional football team They were the Cleveland Rams from 1936 to 1945 And then they moved to Los Angeles and they were there from 1946 to 1994

At some point they did play in Anaheim I know that And then 1995 to 2015 they were the St. Louis Rams and now they're back So they have played one, two, three, four different fucking places Well three different places but they've moved Two, three, four fucking times right Cleveland That was one, two, three, no they moved three times But they've been in four different places No three different places but they've

They went from Cleveland to Los Angeles, St. Louis back to Los Angeles There you go alright how many fucking flights would that be That's how many times they went Alright and I told you I used to watch them way back in the day You know Eric Dickerson you know Used to watch him the fucking Who else did they have back then? John Robinson is the coach then I remember that

The guy from fucking USC but I'm psyched that they're playing in the L.A. Coliseum To see an NFL game there was huge I've obviously seen USC play there But I never saw an NFL game and that's huge to me Because that's the site of the first two Super Bowls You know the first of which didn't even sell out Wasn't even a Super Bowl it was a title game The NFL, AFL championship game whatever the fuck they called it So anyways I think I'm sort of going to be a Rams fan

I'm not going to root against them I'm not going to be a contier I'll watch them you know who do they play against I don't even know what the divisions are when I was a kid It was the Rams, the 49ers, the Saints And somebody else was in the NFC West The fuck was it? The Falcons And then the Central was Chicago, Detroit, Green Bay, Minnesota, and Tampa

I'm still looking at the poster when I was a kid I'm thinking of it And then it was the fucking giants Cowboys Redskins Eagles and Cardinals Right and the AFC East was the Colts, the Patriots, the Bills, the Jets And the Dolphins

Seattle was in the AFC West and I was fucking nuts They move it all around now I don't even get it I don't know why they keep switching it up maybe because it was for travel I have no idea but all I know is I got to get ready to go do my show So, through the magic of the pause button you'll have to wait two seconds But I'm going to come back and having done my final show here in Richmond Been having a great time on this tour Todd Rex has been fucking destroying

And I want to thank everybody that came out to Charleston, South Carolina We had that cigar bar again You know, I haven't really worked out I've eaten like okay or horrifically I'm hoping, you know, five days in the road, I'll tell you it's a rough one, you know Charlotte was great Fucking Todd took me to this goddamn, one of those mom and pop chicken places, right Which was fucking delicious

But, you know, like nine million calories I didn't eat for the rest of that goddamn day after that place So we went there and then this friend of ours who was down there Took us over to the Charlotte Motor Speedway And they got this thing called the NASCAR Experience Where you can literally take this class and learn how to drive the car and all that But, you know, we didn't have time to do that So they had a fucking NASCAR

And they took us around the track doing about 165 miles an hour Took me first and then Todd And we sat in like the passenger seat Like Luke Duke And went around and I gotta tell you, like This is the amazing thing because they try to keep the car so light You feel like you're in an absolute piece of shit

I mean, even like the gas pedal, the throttle Was like, it was like the tiniest thing I've ever seen in my life It didn't even have the pedal on it Any weight that they can get out of the car, they get out of the car So all it was, I should have taken a picture of it It looked like It was like the thickness of a fancy coat hanger And it kind of came up through the floor

And then just went up and like started to make the letter F But it didn't have that short little one That's all it was I'm like, your foot doesn't slip off that and the kids just laugh and go, no It doesn't Some 21 year old kid flying around the fucking track Like 165 miles an hour I gotta be honest with you, I didn't do well through the first like lap

And then I kind of settled into it I don't mind going fast if I'm the one driving But You know, just sitting in a chair as someone else is going 165 miles an hour That close to the wall was pretty Was pretty goddamn intense But I want to thank everybody over at NASCAR Facilities for letting us do that

But I have to tell you, instantly The heat, the level of heat that was in that fucking car Because it was a really hot day I can't imagine with all those people watching All of those other cars driving around the track how fucking hot it gets And And also, you know, you kind of get thrown around the car a little bit Like I said, it's not like you're riding in a Lincoln Continental

And I don't know, my biggest concern is smelling all those fumes and all that shit And just driving around I'd probably get sick Just driving in a circle Like the level of concentration that it would take to just keep fucking doing that For two and a half hours or however long it takes Maybe I would just pull in the pit stop and just be, yeah, dude, I don't want to do this anymore

I did it Went around the block, how many fucking times I got to do this I don't want to do this shit Forget about actually hitting the wall That's what I just kept thinking about For some reason I wasn't thinking about going in headfirst I was thinking about if you got spun around and you went, you know, rear of the car in first That's how bad that would fuck up your back

But it was cool, we got to ask the driver about some of his worst His worst wrecks and all that type of shit And then we went down and did the show And one of these nights I did like a fucking two hour show, I think that was in Charlotte I got to stop doing that, I'm supposed to get my act down to about an hour and 20 minutes But I'm thinking this special is going to be somewhere between 120 and 130 Or maybe I'll get it down, I got to start timing it though

But speaking of which, that happens right now So I'm going to hit the pause button I don't know why I tell you guys this because there's going to be no delay in your world But I'm off to go do my show here In Richmond, Virginia, like I said, thank you to everybody who showed up on this tour I've been having a great time and you've been helping me get ready for my special So thank you And I guess I'll let you know how my show went in about two seconds

Alright, I'm back, I am back The show was amazing, amazing crowd, unbelievably beautiful theater Todd Rex fucking murdered and he told me guys, he told me to tell you this story I can't believe I almost forgot this story It was such like a fucking Patrice moment It just so reminded me of something Patrice would have done We were, after we did Charlotte, over there We drove all the way up to Norfolk, Virginia

Which was like a five and a half hour drive And at my age, I usually, the cutoff is four hours You know, back in the day I drive eight hours Then that became seven and then the cutoff was Now it's just, if it's fucking four hour pass interference 17, 14, Patrice Sorry Anyways

So we were fucking exhausted, right? So we walk into the hotel to check in And there's this cute girl, right? She's like 21, 22, adorable Just right out of college, just sitting there, right? And we check in, right? And she, before she, you know, she's handling this stuff She's getting all the shit ready

Like, she's going like, okay, just to tell you about the hotel You know, we have a restaurant here It's Italian food, it's open from his time to this time Especially he's a blah, blah, blah, blah It's part of this, blah, blah, blah On the second floor is the gym Second floor of the gym, blah, blah, blah On the top floor is this, do, do, do

If you want to do this, blah, blah And she goes to this big, long speech And she's right in the middle of this speech And Todd's behind me and I just hear him just go Just give us the keys I fucking died, I put my head down on the desk She was so shocked that he said it But it was such a classic Patrice thing

Because I was thinking, I don't want to hear all of this shit I'm not going to remember all this stuff I'm fucking exhausted, I just want the keys And just the way he says it He always tells like this Archie Bunker thing He goes, just give us the keys And the poor girl, she didn't know what to do She never, you know, she was younger

So it took her, I felt bad because it took her like a minute For her to sort of regroup And then just realize that we were two silly older guys And then she laughed and then said Todd was rude But oh my god, I haven't laughed like that in a long time And it really reminded me of Patrice Which was crazy because tonight You know, his mom came out to the show and his sister

And I hadn't seen them, it was really just It was just this energy So anyways, let's plow ahead here with the podcast You know what would be fucking amazing in this first week here Is if the Patriots win Because I think I just saw the Colts lost And I love Andrew Luck And I actually, you know, I like the Colts and everything like that

I just obviously, you know The severity of this fucking stupid ass thing It would be nice to see them lose a couple of If we have the same record But another thing too is I don't want the Colts to shit the bed Because I'm hoping we're going to make the playoffs And I want to play them again And see what their fucking excuse is going to be

When we kick their ass again And I'm saying we because I don't play for the team I should really be like, hopefully we beat them Who the fuck knows But I don't know I mark my words in the history of sport Like this will go down as one of the most ridiculous fucking suspensions After a while

And I'll tell you why Because I was literally just watching When I was trying to find this game They had a thing on the Celtics And that time Dennis Rodman said if Larry Bird was a black guy You know, he's a very, very good basketball player But if he's a black guy, he'd just be another good player And then they asked, what does his face, Isaiah

And Isaiah was like, yeah, I'd have to agree And how that whole thing blew up and blah, blah, blah, blah So now it's like 30 years later And now they're actually saying, well, you know They're actually kind of defending Isaiah Not saying what he said was right But they're looking at it like, Isaiah Unfortunately in that time

He said the wrong thing about the wrong white guy Now it's much more like measured how they're looking at it I think that'll happen for fucking Tom I hope so I just said for Tom, like I was like part of his fan club I hope that happens for Tom Anyways, just an absolutely incredible run I'm telling you, people sleep on the south

They really do How fucking great it is down here But like I said, I've never been tailgated The way I was tailgated from fucking South Carolina Up to Charlotte and Charlotte over to Norfolk Norfolk over to fucking Richmond They get down to these two lane highways And I'm telling you, it's like a NASCAR race

They're right on your ass there So anyways, I gotta do a couple Unfortunately, I have to read out loud And I just get a nice fucking enjoyment out of this Let me just knock these things out Because I'm gonna go down the street And have a sass-barilla with Todd Rex Jesus fucking Christ, he murdered on this

People who went out to my show, was I lying about that guy? How funny is he? He's so fucking silly too Silly's one of my favorite things ever So anyways, here we go Oh, Jesus Alright, Darla's Shave Club everybody Darla's Shave Club keeps getting better

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If you really think about it Alright? Oh, you knew you were getting a flag on that one, Butler That's fucking Fitzgerald He's a fucking Premier player Let's take a look at this again, shall we? Passing interference on the fucking defense

It's gonna be a first down Butler's still running his mouth Whatever to do, when it counted you picked the ball off And you sent everybody in Seattle crying Alright, that's a bit of a chuck there Yeah, dude, come on, you bumped into him It's still bullshit, back in the day

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That was terrible That right there could have cost him the game That's gonna be one of those things When they do the fucking Sunday night countdown Whatever the hell they do there They're gonna have the numbers Let's count the guys that missed Oh, one

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Alright Okay, let's get back to the Let's get back to the podcast here Alright, what's 21 and 12 everybody? Why that's 33 minutes? I think it's time I think it's time, nice stiff arm too Shit, I think it's time to do some

Let's do some questions here for the week Alright, Mother Teresa Oh Jesus, Mother Teresa She's up there rubbing Jesus' head at this point Hey there, Billy Angel tits You creative cunts Way back when you talked about Mother Teresa I don't even remember this

And how overrated she was You didn't like her quotes that the U.S. Was morally bankrupt and that the poverty Of spirit in the U.S. Was the worst poverty she's seen Including the hunger poverty in India Yeah, I don't like people I don't like people who don't live here

Talking shit about my country If you want to shit on the U.S. and you live here I don't have a fucking problem with that I do have a problem with the fact that the Cardinals Almost just scored there Yeah, it didn't shut the fuck up You know what I mean? Why would you talk shit about another country?

I mean, I do it, but that's just because I want to sell tickets there You talk a little bit of trash, I'm selling the fight, that's all Wow, what a battle between Butler and Fitzgerald, huh? And he's hanging in there He's hanging in there Oh, he should have caught that All right, sorry I'm going to stop watching the game

No, I'm not, but I'm going to stop talking about it How about that? All right All right, so I didn't like her talking shit about the country Well, now she's going to be a saint There are plenty of documentaries of things she did That had negative effects Any thoughts on the old lady come back to Seattle Well, here's the deal

When somebody gets made a saint It's not because they did nice things First and foremost You had to make the Catholic church money, right? Is that who she works for? And what she did by going around with all these poor people Was she was like out in the field You know what I mean?

She's like that cop that never wanted to have a desk job Wanted to be out on the beat Be there with the people But the whole time she's selling that religion And it made them millions and millions of dollars It took millions and millions and millions of dollars Out of these poor people's hands You know, to basically invest

In a fucking theory that has no You know, no proof to whatsoever Basically invest all this money In, ah, you son of a bitch Oh, that's Fitzgerald He's 11, I thought he was 15, I'm a fucking dope Nice catch God damn it, he's a great player

Ah, shit, what the fuck's this going out? I would really, I like the Cardinals, man But I really love the Patriots to win just because the Colts lost Look at the guys almost looking upside down Balances it on his finger Does he have control? Does he make a football move? Yes, he fucking caught it

If they take this thing away, I swear to God What does a guy have to do? Did he secure it up against there? Um, yeah, so I think she's a saint You know, she, you know, she won't Look, even if she fucked over the poor She's still gonna be down there and some are basically Who's kidding who?

Some of the stinkiest, smelliest parts of fucking humanity Because, you know, when you have that level of poverty You know, they don't have running water and stuff People are just shitin' everywhere You know, that alone, the fact that you If you have access to first world plumbing If you go into the third world to try to help those people out Yeah, I think you are a saint

I would think so Granted, she sold them, you know, the whole fucking bill of goods there For the mass murdering, you know, child raping entity But other than that, I mean, so, you know When those people say you're a saint, does that really mean something? I'm gonna be honest with you, I have no fucking idea what she did I know she was like Alicia Keys and she didn't wear makeup I do know that

I think she could play the piano Yeah, I have no idea Well, now she's gonna be a saint Look, she's dead, you know I made fun of her when she was alive Now she's dead, I think I can leave her alone Alright, lobster anesthesia Oh, Billy, red lobster

Red, you know, I've never eaten at a red lobster I just never had the courage to fucking eat Like fast food, seafood It just, it always seems like if anything's gonna give you food poisoning It's gonna be, you know, the bottom feeders of the ocean, right? We're already eating the fecal matter there, right? So, the only time I've ever been to a red lobster, I actually performed there Remember a long time ago, I did a stand-up show in a red lobster

With this fucking hilarious comedian, Julie Barr, and a couple other people And it was just one of those shows early in my career Where you're going in there And everybody on the show, before we go up We all know we're gonna take a fat one It's gonna be difficult And you're just laughing You just stand there going, this is fucking impossible

There's families here Are we allowed to curse? What's gonna happen? People got bibs on They're trying to navigate this fucking little red dinosaur on their plate How the hell are you gonna listen to me? I suck when they're paying attention, you know? So anyways, let's get back to red lobster here

There actually is a method that is supposed And he said, I'm no lobster neurobiologist to numb lobsters before you boil them You stick the lobster in the freezer for a few minutes Before slicing it through the brain The freezer is supposed to be the most humane way Because at least when people start to freeze to death They eventually feel a warmth go over them And they start to become unconscious

Supposedly this helps the flavor Because the anesthesia decreases the stress hormones release Compared to the dude being boiled while conscious Or having its brain chopped in half Like the obituary son Hope this helps And have a blessed day, fuck oh Um

If you stick a lobster in a freezer for a few minutes It's just gonna freeze It's just gonna be really cold And be miserable And then you're gonna stick it in the fucking hot water I just, I, you know something I'm never eating lobster again Okay

They do enough bad shit to chicken and cows and stuff I don't need to add this It's just so fucked up I was watching this thing on this French restaurant And this guy takes these live lobsters And puts them over an open flame It's just like I always go back to that time

I watched that chimpanzee catch that smaller monkey And he stood on the thing And he just started just digging into its back Pulling its back meat out As this thing was screaming It's just like killed with fucking animals, man There's no fucking reason to do that, man I still think what I'm saying is better

You just take a little lobster bat You bash it over the head Immediately unconscious Like if someone hit you in the head As hard as they could with the bat You're not gonna feel any pain You're not even gonna fucking remember it You can't do that to those things

I don't know, it just seems wrong Alright, so it's 21-20 And we just took a fucking sack Nice play God damn it Bullrush Jones right up the fucking middle Yeah, that's the old right there, Fred But you know what, look at fucking Jimmy Garoppolo here

Garoppolo, he's doing great We're hanging in there Cardinals are no slouches right there They almost go to the Super Bowl last year Wow, we even held on that play Gave a little spin move Alright, grumpy Billy Goat terrorizes town Alright, evidently I'm supposed to watch this

Alright, I'll watch it, here we go With my hotel internet Oh, this is great I love goats There was just two people on a scooter This fucking thing just knocks them over Oh, watch it lady You gotta feel the backside pressure

Backside pressure, get rid of the ball Get rid of the ball Are you looking for the Tom Brady fucking treatment? Yeah, that's it, no flag there Come on, UFC, you can't kick when they're down Haha, look at this guy coming in There you go, front kick, front kick Always going like, what's his face there?

Come on man, what do I root for here? You know what, come on I want the guy in the striped shirt There you go, kick that motherfucker, you hit your lady This thing's a pimp Should have kicked it right in its fucking utter Dude, I would grab that thing by its fucking head Is that a cop?

That's hilarious, this is definitely another country That was a cop here that fucking shoot it He loves that dude in the striped shirt This guy's going to slip and fall and crack his head Dude, he runs like a girl, come on man That was interesting, I like that I love goats, man The thing is, you can't show any fear, man

I like how that guy was trying to give them the front kicks Anderson Silva, right? Alright, I don't know why Why the fuck would I watch that? You guys can't see it, right? You know what, grumpy billy goat terrorizes town That's what you want to look at If you want to see the commentary there

Where the fuck was I? Alright, I love goats, man I've never tell you that shit That's the pet I should have had They just smell really bad though I always wrestle with my dog and shit But it makes the dog aggressive But goats are already like that

And they live outside So they're not going to be anywhere near your company I should get, you know, that's the next thing I'm going to do I'm going to get a goat, right? I just have it in a pen Get it a friend, right? They can fucking hang out Then every morning I'll come out there

And I'll be like, what's up? You know, reach over the fence Grab a bite of beer, get a little fucking yank, you know Get the thing going Wrestle around with it for a little bit Alright, dad won't quit smoking Oh, Jesus Your dad will not quit smoking

What the hell's wrong with him? He's going to kill himself Alright, A. Billy Rednuts My dad's been smoking since he was 14 years old And at 62 years old He recently had his second heart attack Jesus Christ The doctor has told him flat out

If you want to live You have to stop smoking Yeah, I would think so Even after hearing this He lit up a cigar Five minutes after getting out of the hospital I got into a huge argument with him about it And I told him

If he didn't give a shit about his health Then I shouldn't care either We didn't talk for months Wow, dude, this is fucking heavy here We've tried reasoning with him We've tried yelling at him We've tried guilting him With the don't you want to walk me down the aisle routine

None of it works To clarify, he smokes cigars every single day All throughout the day So it's more than an occasional puff His diminishing health is visible In his everyday interactions with us It's harder for him to breathe Is he inhaling?

He can't walk as fast as Or as far as he used to He barely played with his grandkids And his face has aged immensely Since the last heart attack Every time I get a call from a family member I get anxious that it's going to be the call Telling him my dad has had his last heart attack

I'm constantly on pins and needles And it's really starting to affect me Yeah, I would think so As someone who has struggled with certain vices yourself What finally made you feel like You wanted to limit your intake Is there a way I could get through to my father And get him to quit for good

Or should I just accept the fact That we all go someday and let him enjoy himself For the limited amount of time he has left Thanks and go fuck yourself Alright, wow Alright, what makes me want to limit my intake Is because I don't want to end up being like that But I also

I don't know, I don't like to have And shit have control over me You know what I mean? And I also found that when you just Constantly smoking a cigar You know, if you smoke too much Like they're not special anymore Like it's great when

You know, I like now just Planning a cigar night like a couple weeks away Like The absolutely fucking Hilarious Burke Kreischer Is One of the great guys You could ever hang out with

Forget about smoking a cigar with He's trying to organize a cigar night And I already have it circled on my calendar I'm excited, I'm thinking about What cigar I'm going to have But like when I just You know, have a whole box of them And every night I'm just going out there smoking

It's just, you start smelling like a cigar It's bad, it's like Every night, I don't know It's just one of those things where I don't Like the way I feel, I don't like The way I feel when I wake up in the morning And I know it's bad, I know it's aging me I just know, I know it's bad for me

But With your dad That he's been doing this for so fucking long I would definitely I would be livid At my dad if he was doing that And I would be unbelievably frustrated And I would continue

Obviously To try to get him to stop because you love your dad You know However There does come a point Where it's just like If The person has resigned themselves to

This is what they want to do I mean, if he just had his fucking second heart attack And the doctor's going, listen, you're going to die If you don't stop smoking And he walks out and literally Just lights up a cigar Obviously he's a complete addict But

I don't know, he's not fighting it on any level So I don't know Depending on how Exhausted you are I know myself after a while I would just say, you know what Fuck it

And it would suck because when my dad Like that, there would be A definite level of resentment and anger That I would have At him, but I just think Maybe the piece you can find Is that he's addicted, he's an addict And this isn't your father

Making this decision It's the chemicals and all of that shit That makes you do this That's really unfortunate, man There's really nothing funny in there Um, Jesus I was going to Smoke a cigar tonight too

I guess that fucking That's out the goddamn window, Jesus Christ Anyways Let's try to shake that off, alright Uh Advice, strip club with wife Oh, Jesus Hey, Bill Doe

Uh, that's a good one, I've heard that one before But it's always nice to bring that one back Me and my wife and six of our friends Are planning a trip to Vegas Early next year Bars, strip clubs, the whole shebang I'm 27 and my wife is 26 We've been married for four years

I was wondering If you and near or past girlfriends Have gone to strip clubs together And if so, what's the etiquette Neither me and my wife have been To a strip club before Obviously I wouldn't mind taking in the sites But also don't want to be a piece of shit

Oh, God, this has Fucking train wreck Written all over I know this isn't exactly something On my wife's bucket list, but I don't think She'll hate it either She's told me in the past she appreciates the female body Not necessarily

Grinding on mine though Um I think she'd probably enjoy it more If I wasn't there, LOL Would love to know what you and Nia would have To say on the subject, thanks I'm not here This is what I would say

Okay Um You need to stay as sober As humanly fucking possible And you need to not indulge at all What your indulgement should be Is your wife enjoying the experience That's what you do

Alright And I would not get a Fucking lap dance in front of my wife I would not do that My wife is like ridiculously fucking cool My wife is honestly One of the coolest females She transcends her sex

The only reason why I say She's a cool female is because So many of them are fucking Nightmares and they won't let you do Anything, they won't let you have any fun Or whatever, like She just, you know You guys hear on the podcast

That's not an act, she's that fucking cool and funny But most people Are not in that situation So it's, there's a few red flags In there, you're going with other couples Like let the other couples Get into the fights Because somebody's gonna go too fucking far

Somebody's gonna get too drunk Somebody's gonna fuck up And somebody's gonna have that fucking thing Brought up for the next 10 years In their fucking marriage Because God knows that's what the fuck they do So all your mission that night Is to not be that guy

Your clubs are not going anywhere Okay You can always go to one another night When she's not fucking there Or if she actually ends up having a good time The second time And just literally tell her, just say Listen, I wasn't gonna get drunk

And I wasn't gonna do anything to embarrass you Then she'll fucking respect you So I would just say go really easy on the booze there And, you know Get your wife a fucking lap dance That's what you do And just say you're good You're good, you know

And when your fucking guy friends Are all trying to pressure you into doing something Just tell them to go, you know Yeah, I'm cool, I'm cool, don't worry I'm having a good time, okay And let them do all the dumb shit Let them wake up the next day When you guys go to breakfast

And be the ones that have to say Sorry, I got a little crazy last night Or be the ones that are clearly Just had a huge fight and are not talking during breakfast All right, you don't need that shit It's a very All of that type of shit When you're sitting there going

What are the rules? The rules are the rules that you and your wife Come up with And the fact that your wife Has never been to one Is just all of the fucking Makings of a Shit show

So like I said I'm gonna say this again And I'm telling you Just make sure she has a good time Ask her if she's all right Ask her if this is cool If she wants to get out of there Just totally be attentive to her

And there's no way it can be a fucking problem And then you can get on with your goddamn life And then fucking whatever Some other time you go to a titty bar Maybe you bring her along She might fucking end up wanting to see you Get a fucking lap dance You're serious? Yeah

Which one do you want? And then that's another thing that could be a fight You know what I mean? You fucking pick some, I don't I don't, that's just one of those It's just one of those things I remember one time There's this

Famous Strip club In Los Angeles called Jumbo's Clown Room And it is just as creepy And disgusting as it sounds I don't think it's not that anymore It's way better now But back in the day

It was literally Like You know, if I was a serial killer Like that would be my Starbucks You know what I mean? Sit there with my laptop In a chat room with other serial killers I mean it was a fucking disgusting place

So I had been there Maybe three times Over the course of 20 years Going out to LA And it was always just a shady, shifty fucking place So one time I was out with Nia

And she brought up that she wanted to go to this fucking place And I was just like Are you serious? You want to go to that place? I don't want to go to that place It's not a cool place right now So she goes, come on, let's just go Let's go, it's her fucking idea So we ended up going there

By the way 321 with 338 to go I already know you guys know who won this fucking game Flag On the fucking Cardinals, I love it Take it back, take it back By the way, I forget the Cardinals coach, man But I saw a great

They did a whole special on the guys Seems like the fucking coolest dude ever But anyways So we ended up Going there And I sat over in the corner I didn't get a lap dance or anything like that I told the story before

I literally saw a stripper quit on stage that night It was fucking amazing We walked in And there was like One guy sitting up near the stage And there was like 3 other people Up at the bar With their backs to the stage

So This woman comes out Looking a little rough You know And she starts doing a thing She dances to one song The song ends Nobody claps

Okay The guy who was sitting up near the stage Was not there anymore So now It Kind of becomes like A philosophical Philosophical question

Like basically If I'm in a strip club Dancing Am I technically still in show business Right So basically what happened was You know No one was paying attention

So she ends the first song You know Because I'm dead or alive She slowly slides down the pole And then the next song starts And she's just laying there And she's not dancing She's not doing anything

And I'm going like Like not answering the bell And just quitting on the stool And she just rolled over And somehow she had her cell phone And she just started checking like Her fucking emails And at that point like this

One of the bar back ladies walked by Saw it and laughed And said that's awesome And she just laid there for the rest of the song And didn't dance and gathered her shit Didn't take up any more of her clothes And that's like she quit being a stripper And she just quit dancing

For the night And I thought it was fucking awesome Because fucking Larry Fitzgerald What a catch God damn it that guy's good They're marching down the field Doesn't look like we're in a pre-vent though So that's good

And the fuck out here it comes Two more catches they're going to be In fucking field goal position Ripping her heart out there So anyways Yeah, I just as a performer I respected it, you know what I mean It's like if you're a comedian I'm doing my act

And no one's listening, no one's paying attention I'm just going to stop and I'm going to shit on the crowd That's it, I'm not going to waste my time doing my material So why should she take her bottoms off And show everybody the fucking world If they're not even going to look at it, right? So there you go, there's my fucking Stripper story, but me and Nia never had a problem

I think I want to say I've gone to a couple Have I been to a couple Maybe one other with her I got to tell you, it's not fun It's not fun to go to a titty bar with your wife Or even with other women It's just like everything I used to do a bit in my act about that

Like when women started going to titty bars They would always go like, you know at some point They would always say, this isn't as bad as I thought it was I think this isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be And the joke of my act was Yeah, because you're here Leave and it'll get evil again It's one of the worst things ever that happened

That women started going to titty bars You know what I mean? It's like, can't you just go to A fucking male one Can't you go to the fucking Chippendales one And have some fucking goddamn dick Swinging in your face, if you're a lesbian Then yeah, come on in Have a good time, right?

It's just like, they just constantly They just constantly have to be around us It's fucking unbelievable They think we're stupid They think we do dumb shit But they just can't get enough of doing every Dumb fucking thing that we do They're down to the 28 fucking yard line

Any of the announcers are going to be like Oh, now the question is Are they leaving too much time on the clock Assuming that they hit this field goal I actually like that this is going to happen Because if they kick this field goal, right What, are they going to be up by one or something? Is that what it's going to be?

Watch Jimmy go down and do his thing He's going to get some experience I got to tell you, I've been impressed with them He's playing alright That kid for fucking Dallas played alright And the dude there on Tampa Bay I guess like Jason Law had said a long time ago

He's like that guy Even though we saw them get destroyed in the fucking Rose Bowl, he was still talking about him Jameson, right? Don Jameson That's the fucking comedian there From fucking that metal show Whatever

He was saying that if If You know, he had a couple of I feel like Law had said to give me a couple of good wide outs And that fucking quarterback and you could do something in the NFL And it's looking like he's right He had four fucking touchdown passes today It's incredible

Of course, yet another thing that I missed here So anyways, alright, that's the podcast here I'm going to sweat this out Or do you guys want me to hang in here I can't, I can't because it's almost 11.30 And I have an early fucking flight I know you Cardinal fans, if you won You want to hear my fucking devastation

But if we win, you're not going to hear me fucking chairing All I know is that the Colts lost And even if we lose I think that's fucking fair And if the Colts actually have The same fucking record that we have At the end of this fucking Travesty of a goddamn horseshit

Suspension Then I will say that God He is God, a fair God He's also a football fan And he is a man, by the way Alright He is a man, so get that right out of your fucking head There's no way God's a woman

Because if God was a woman He wouldn't create, she wouldn't create You know, a fucking animal like me Alright, that's it, go fuck yourselves I'll check in you on Thursday I promise I'll watch the fucking UFC event And very excited about The first Rams home game

It would be so fucking cool that they're back in LA And it would be great If the fucking Cardinals would Move back to St. Louis I wonder if St. Louis fans now That's going to be this weird thing They don't have a team The older generation I bet is still Cardinal fans

But then you won the younger ones Are they still going to follow the Rams Or do they feel like they've been burned I have no fucking idea Go ahead and throw the ball again Carson Go ahead and fucking throw it again What are they doing here What is it, they're on the 33 yard line

What do you add, 18 yards Is that what you add 33, it's like a 50-51 yard At this point I'll tell you, there's just no poke There's just no poke Alright, I gotta end this and sweat this fucking thing out We're up by two, you motherfuckers

Alright Once again, Bill Belichick showing Why he's the greatest of all fucking time Look at this, huh 9 points spread Patriots are getting 9 points at home Tremendous Fucking tremendous

We're up by two with the minute 55 left Alright, that's it, go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you on Thursday Yeah, top