Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-13-21

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

Bill rambles about Penn State, New York habits, and screaming at the top of his lungs.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 13th, 2021. What's going on? How are you? What's up, man? It's, I'll tell you what it is right now. It's football Sunday. I am currently sitting here in my apartment. I was trying to figure out Jesus Christ, how to get the fucking direct TV, uh, NFL Sunday picket ticket or whatever it is. Somehow I ended accidentally, I ended up signing up for NFL game pass, which is some international shit. So now I'm in the country signing up for international shit. And they're like, well, you can't do the international after I fucking paid for it. They go, well, you can't do that here. And I don't know. I probably didn't read something. I really want to go up in the

NFL and fucking blame them. I'm sure like, I just, I've always sucked at that shit, but I will say that the NFL's fucking website as far as the direct TV and it's just way harder than the NHL, the NBA, or MLB. I just feel like the other ones, it's like, Hey, man, you want to watch all the games? Why? Yes, I do. You got a credit card? Yeah. All right. Well, if you know the password and everything, you know, you hit us with that number, uh, you can start watching right now. And it's like, okay, cool. The NFL, they always seem like they got to fucking grab you by the back of the neck. You know, like it's not enough that they're making money. They also have to make their dicks a little hard by like directing you like there's only one place you can watch this.

You will watch it here on this service. You will have a fucking satellite drilled into the side of your fucking house, you know, or you can go to a sports bar and go fuck yourself. Dude, how funny is it that the NFL has black lives matter written on the back of the helmets as they also make most of, you know, the predominantly black league play an extra football game every year after all the shit they know about CTE. Hey, commissioner, would it be cool if we just played one less exhibition game, one less preseason game? Would that be cool? Could we do that, man? Could we do that? What if you played an extra regular season game? Yes. See, that's what we're trying to avoid. We'll pay you extra money. What will it cost you? Oh, it cost us.

Um, yeah, I thought that was bizarre. I mean, as a fan, I'm happy that they're going to play an extra week. I'm not going to bitch, moan and complain about that. Um, it also lets me know that the Patriots 16 and 0 regular season will never be broken. Sorry. So it's, uh, what am I, I'm watching Pittsburgh versus Buffalo right now. It's 13 to 10 with 11 19 to go. And I'm kind of finding something interesting now that I've already bet all the games that I was going to bet. We'll see how I do now that I, I mean, I was never really good at gambling, but now that I got a two kids, I'll be even worse at it. Or maybe I'll get better because I won't have all of this information that I thought I had back in the day. So, um, what's kind of been interesting is watching,

you know, now that the game is like, looks like it's, it's finished is like, how did I not know that Trevor Lawrence was going to get schooled the first week? You're a rookie, you're brand new. They're going to be throwing all these fucked up looks at you. You're going to get smoked by Houston. I was thinking, well, you know, Deshaun Watson's not in the game. I don't know who their backup is and blah, blah, blah. So you stay away from that game. And then the second you like watching, it's like 27 to seven. All of a sudden you go like, Oh yeah. Now that I have all the answers, I can now fill in the question and it all makes sense to me. Because now I'm watching, um, Pittsburgh versus Buffalo, Buffalo, one of the most fun teams to

watch with Josh Allen right there with the reception, um, going up against the crafty, wily veteran that is, uh, Ben Rothless burger. And it's like, once again, here we go. This is his second year, even though he's a fucking superstar. Um, Josh Allen is kind of thinking like, I think Ben's going to get him on this one. Well, I think I'll just do this. I'll just say, you know, so I don't have any fucking, you know, dog in the fight either way. This is the game Josh Allen has to fucking win. He's got to, if he can beat these guys, these guys who've been in the fucking league forever, um, that's a great thing because anybody can fuck, not anybody, but a lot of people can burn through the fucking regular season, playing

a bunch of shit bum teams that aren't going to be there in January. But this is a big one, I think, that if he goes up against Ben Rothless burger, who knows how to fucking win, um, I would be extra excited as a Buffalo bill fit, although it doesn't take them much to get excited up there considering all the pain and suffering that they've been through. Let's go back to the early nineties. I'm just fucking with you. Um, so I have this weird thing now where I actually, uh, now that Brady's gone, I kind of root for teams that I shouldn't be rooting for. Like I root for the bills. Like I like the team. It's weird. I still don't like the dolphins or the jets. There's just something about the dolphins uniforms that orange end zone and shit. I just,

I mean, I love them when Dan Marina was there, but they just haven't been exciting for so long. Like when I see like the jets and the giants, like it, like that literally makes my stomach hurt. I've always had that. Like back in the day, I remember there'd be like different sitcoms that were on. And if I just didn't like the look of the set, I literally wouldn't watch the show. Oh no, the Steelers blocked the punts, special teams. See now that right there goes to show you what the fuck I know. I just set you guys up for the whole battle against the new QB versus the Wiley veteran. What happens? The old special team comes in and gives them the all right there, Fred, right to the back of the end zone. Oh my God. You know what's the only thing,

the only thing worse than being a Buffalo bill fan, watching your team fucking lose the open and home game is when all those wings with the blue cheese come back up in the parking lot. You do have to give it up for Buffalo bill fans and their cast iron stomachs that they can have that many wings and bear in their bellies and still fucking land on their backs on those fucking tables and not just, you know, you would think physics at that point would take over and all of that stuff would just come back up. But somehow they do not look at Big Ben. He's excited. Doing special teams or defense scores a touchdown. The quarterback has to feel like

he got a day off from work and got paid. Oh, that's a thing of beauty right there. I don't know. Why am I rooting for the Steelers? They were such babies when the Patriots were fucking great, you know, cosigning on everything that that fucking jerk off in Indianapolis was doing. Anyway, but why why why dig up dead dogs? Why dig up dead dogs? Because we need to find out what happened to those dogs. Crazy week on the road, you know, I've been out here in New York City. I had a great time. I went out to Penn State, Happy Valley, and it lived up to its name. Me, Joe Bartnick and Paul Verzi had an amazing show at the arena there with the Penn State basketball team plays. Just an awesome crowd, you know,

looked like it was about 50-50, like locals and college students. I was kind of concerned, you know, doing a college. You know, all it takes is one hairy-legged white chick to just fucking end your career now. So I was just going like, all right, which joke is that chick gonna take seriously? And what's what's the blowback? What's what's the complete non-story that's going to come out so they won't focus on, you know, I guess real issues. But nothing happened. They were all like really cool or whatever. And then the next day we went to the fucking, we went to the the Penn State versus Ball State. And the line was like 22 points or 22 and a half. And me and Verzi wanted to bet Penn State. And I'm just like, you know, I didn't

give a fuck. I was like, I never dawned on me that that's a little more than one than three touchdowns. Not the smartest gambler. So he was trying to buy a point back and we couldn't do it. So we just said, fuck it anyway. And what was hilarious is like, it wasn't really a game, but for us it was. So we were sitting there flipping out when they were up at like, like 27, seven or something like that. Where the hell this go is 20, 24 to 10. I can't even remember what it was. And we were like flipping the fuck out. And everybody around us is just looking at us like, what is your deal? You know, and I was like, turn around somebody go, that wasn't a catch, right? It wasn't a catch.

I was like yelling to this old guy and he's just looking at me like, I don't know, man, or you know, we're up by fucking 19. It was a couple of crazy things. The Penn State band came out there, right? In the beginning went, babe, babe, babe, boo, boo, boo, boo, playing all the fucking songs. So I'm watching the, uh, the band doing that thing. And all of a sudden I'm looking at the women doing the baton twirling. And I noticed this one woman does not have her baton anymore. And she's just miming it. So I'm like, she dropped it. Where is it? And I see it laying right at the bottom of the one of the big 10 on the field. And now she's got to move with the girls and everybody else is it, you know, as the band's doing their formation, she's walking away from it.

She's down the end zone. I'm like, Oh, this is cool. I'm going to see like when she subtly tries to pick the thing up. So she fucking walks by it again. Then she disappears. The whole baton twirler goes into where the band is. They're surrounded by the band and all of this shit. Oh, look at the big run right there. Nice tackle. So Buffalo driving Buffalo, refusing to go down. Josh Allen leading his team down the field. Well, not really. That was a wonderful handoff. Who ever the fuck that is, not OJ Simpson cutting right, cutting left. So anyway, I oh Jesus, they're running downhill now. They're running downhill. He's still going. The 10, the five. Sorry, stop down at the 10. Just giving it right back.

So she doesn't pick up the baton. And then the fucking thing ends. They're playing the national anthem and the home of the brave. And then we all just sit there because they said there was going to be a flyover. And like after they brave, there was this anti climatic like 15, 20 seconds. And then finally two helicopters flew over military helicopters. And I was joking with club soda Kenny. I was like, if those were airplanes, they would have been on time. The old lumber and helicopters were slow. It was still cool as shit. And you know, it's funny when they said after today's national anthem, in honor of all the victims and the heroes that lost their lives on 9 11, we're going to have a flyover and club soda Kenny goes, oh,

he was like legit excited. Kenny loves the cops, loves the fireman, loves the military, anything security based. And he became like a little kid. He went, oh, so anyway, to finish the baton story and the home of the brave 30 seconds, finally the helicopters they fly over, right? Everybody salutes the troops and then the band just walks off the field and the baton is still laying there. And now Penn State and Ball State out of bounds, then Penn State and Ball State fucking take the field for the kickoff and the baton is still sitting there. Now I'm sitting there, you know, catastrophize and like, oh, shit, you know, somebody can you turn a knee on that thing and tear up your knee? So I finally, I yell, I go,

there's a baton on the field. And then these chicks in front of me were like, I know, we know, we've been watching it. And I guess a bunch of people saw it. So that chick, my man, you know, without the fucking baton, which I know she was coached to do. Oh, they're going for a field goal here, Buffalo. Oh, everybody's thinking wide, right? You cannot not think wide, right? When you're at, he's going to hook it, he's going to hook it. And he splits the uprights, bringing them to within seven with 523 to go. Ben Rothless burger, Mike Tomlin, how are they going to chew up the clock? So then the young kid, the young superstar, the man out there in Buffalo that most of the chicks and some of the guys would drop their

Buffalo wings to go out and blow on any random night. Can he bring them back? Can he get the ball back with enough time? We shall see. So they kicked the ball off. And finally somebody came down and they yelled to somebody down on the sideline security person that there was a baton on the field. And then it went around and around and around and around and around. And then they finally went out and somebody got the thing after like maybe one offensive play, I believe, and they brought it off the field. And we thought the saga had ended, but they handed it to the kicker, which we all thought was fucking hilarious. And then eventually you won our bet, which was also nice because they did cover. So thank you to everybody out in Penn State that hooked us up,

gave us this whole, you know, they gave us all this Penn State gear. They gave me some stuff for my kids, which was so nice to them. Penn State people were awesome. They couldn't have been nicer. And we got to see, you know, be amongst those big 10 fans when they found out our house state lost to the Ducks. You know, you know, it's funny they lost to the Ducks and I bet 80% of our house state fans right now at this moment still thinks our house state should be in the playoff. So anyway, before the game, we were actually down on the field, which was fucking amazing. And you know, as they ran off the field, we watched in the drills and everything, one of the most amazing things when you're down on the field is aside from the size and the speed

is when the punters just kick in the ball. Dude, the guy kicks it like a fucking mile in the air. I've never seen anything like it. And so all the Penn State players were running off the field and all of a sudden this big linebacker looking dude for Penn State just stops and says to Joe like, Hey, man, what's going on? And Joe's all like, Hey, what's going on, man? And he goes, he's like, I, you know, he goes, you didn't tell me you were coming here. And Joe was just kind of like, you know, he just kind of went with it. At first, I thought the kid thought he was a comedian, but with Joe's mustache, I guess he looked like one of his former coaches. And Joe like just went with it because he didn't, I don't know what, and they both give each other

this giant fucking bear. And Joe's going like, yeah, man. And the other guy's like, yeah, they hug each other and then they leave. And I go to Joe, I go, Joe, I'm telling you, man, that mustache is working. Look at people remember you from your comedy. Cause I remember when I was in Atlantic city at the sports book, people went right past me and they went up to him, I'm going, dude, I'm telling you that fucking mustache. It solidifies the whole thing, the shit that you talk about and how you look, you now look like you're act. And that's what I thought it was. And he goes, no, man, he goes, I think he thought I was one of his coaches. I go, he thought you were one of his coach. He goes, yeah. He said, Hey, coach, I thought he said, I like

your comedy, but he said, coach, I didn't know you were coming to the game. And I go, well, why did you hug him then? He goes, I didn't want to ruin his moment. So what's funny to me is now that kid is going to fucking text his coach saying thanks for coming out. And he's going to be like, I wasn't at the game. And now he's got to think who the fuck that I hug. So if anybody from Penn State is listening from the team and you hear that kid tell the story, tell him that he hugged Joe Bartnick, the Mike Ditka of, uh, of standup comedy, who I think now we've got to call him the coach or coach or something like that. Coach Bartnick, um, dude, you should have seen the hug that they, that he, the kid hug Joe, like he really was one of his

coaches and helped him turn, turn him into a man and, and, and get him, you know, strong enough mentally or whatever the hell the great things coaches do for these kids to get him to a division one program. So anyway, there's 517 left in the game. Everybody's still 20 to 13 Buffalo. I already know that you know the stats. I already know that you know who wins here. So this is, this is big bend time. You know, he's been in the league this long and I just think that guys as good as Ben Rothesberger, the only thing that excites them is shutting up 60,000 fans that hate a bunch of Buffalo wings and thought that they were going to win today. Oh, are they going to go conservative and put it on the fucking ground? Jesus Christ. This fucking, I swear to God, this fucking bullshit

chewing up the clock and the prevent defense is a conspiracy by the NFL to make sure every fucking game as much as possible comes down to the last possession. All right, here we go. Come on, Ben, throw the fucking ball. All right, poor excuse for a play action fake to the back shoulder first down. Is that juju something Smith Smith Schuster? Nice. Why am I being a cunt? Hasn't the Buffalo Bills fans suffered enough? Didn't I get enough enjoyment over the years as a Patriots fan? Yeah, but I went to their fucking stadium and I went to take a leak and somebody pushed me in the back while I had my dick out because I had a Patriots head on. So I kind of have to have a little bit of a fuck them attitude. Of course now because

now they're talking shit because they're good and they're all excited last year when they beat the Patriots without Tom Brady. You know what I mean? It's like, all right, well, it took Tom Brady leaving. I don't remember rubbing it in with you guys when Jim Kelly retired, but all right, that's how you want to do it. I get it. You guys jump on tables. Anyway, plowing ahead here. I heard there's an incredible MotoGP race this week and I heard the F1 race was great too and I got to be honest with you, I am fighting off a major depression here because I have not been on the road this long since I've had kids ever and I've just been in a really fucking bad mood, which isn't good because tonight I'm doing a benefit,

you know, for the 20th anniversary of the 9-11 whatever the thing is for 9-11 whatever you're supposed to call it. And so I need to get in a happy benefit mood as I'm sitting here fucking moping around, just fucking pad it. I want to get back to my life. I got to get back to my kids and everything. Do my son is so adorable right now. He can wave goodbye now and you know, he kind of opens and closes his hand, but because he sees the way his view of doing it, he actually is waving goodbye to himself. So he doesn't raise his hand either. He just starts, he just sort of brings it halfway up and goes, you know, opens and closes his hand and now he does it with both hands. It's fucking the most adorable thing ever. So yeah, that was probably the highlight of my week

this week in New York because I went out and I got my daughter a Halloween costume and I bought my son a little pair of Timbalands, which are the cutest things I think I've ever seen in my life. I was just hoping I could find like a baggy jeans for like a one year old so I could put those on when he wears the Timbalands so he can look like he's in a reboot of naughty by nature, you know. So anyway, I did some spots this week. I went down the village, you know, there's a couple of stand-up rooms down there and I just got freaked out because it was jammed, looked like fucking Mardi Gras down there and people weren't wearing masks and I'm watching people passing joints to each other and shit and I was just like, all right, I guess this

shit is just what this shit is going to be and people are just sick of the whole fucking thing and there's all of this information coming from too many fucking places and it's just, it just is what it is. I guess we live in the world we live in so I was like, all right. All right, fuck it. I don't care anymore. How strong you have to be to still care when nobody else cares is I don't have that. I'm just like, all right. Okay, is this what we're doing? Fine. So I still wear a mask. I don't even, you know, it's funny. I don't even know if it's an effective mask. You know, I have one of those ones that is the effective one, but like you can barely breathe in the thing when it's hot out here

in New York. So I was wearing the cloth one. So I probably was doing more damage than I was doing good. And I was just like, I don't know, you know, I come home, I have my little mushroom extract. I try to have some vitamin D here or there. I guess I don't fucking know. I don't know what to do here. So I'm just, you know, just going to fucking live my life. Right? What am I going to do? Okay. That's it. I mean, I guess it's just here to stay. All right, now why when I go away do I have to fucking re-sign back into this fucking goddamn thing? Also, I also noticed when you're watching a game, it takes more battery, even if your computer is plugged in. I guess I shouldn't be watching it on my laptop. Is that what it is? All right. What is this? 256 left. It's second and 11.

Ben Rothlisper. I think Verzi pick. I think this was a Verzi pick. I love it. Oh, they're going to go home sad and buffalo with a big loss at home. Look at this kid. Now he's got a chain with a buffalo around it. He went to the gift shop. He bought all this stuff. All right, 256 to go. Ben Rothlisper lifts the leg up, sets it back down. I don't know what that means. Fades back to pass, throws it to the fucking ground. Third and 11. Took a Steve Brogan hit, slowly gets up off the turf. They just, they don't make them like this guy anymore. This is a dying breed. The level of punishment that this guy can take just stands there. Oh, I didn't look that bad. Jesus Christ. He just fucking buried his face

into the turf like he got hit by a fucking car. Did that look that bad? You know what that is? That's from like 15, 16 years of taking hits. Not to mention I'm sitting here on a couch. Josh Allen. Hey man, I thought we were going to win. All right. He's touching his shoulders. He's bringing his hands together. There's some sort of audible. Oh, looks like buffalo bills are coming. Here they go. Oh no. And they get nothing. They sniffed that out. 247 left. Buffalo's going to get the ball back unless they're close enough for a field goal because I have not been paying attention. Isn't this exciting for all you guys listening to this podcast that don't watch NFL football? And what am I going to do as head coach? That's redneck me. That's if I knew

how to hunt me with the fucking, the head coach of the bills with this camouflage hat. You know, look at him. He looks like he's at peace. You know, he's not worried about the dollar collapsing. He knows at any point he can fucking take out a slingshot, take out a squirrel and make some stew. Oh my God. Look at this puncher. This guy looks like he's about 12 fucking years old row. He still has rosy cheeks. Is he still teething? What the fucking old is this kid? Oh, it's a field goal kicker. Did they just say he's been in the league 14 years? Was he also balding? My eyes are going. I just saw the picture of him look like rich Eisen. All right, here we go. There he's on the hat. We're at side hash mark. The kick is up. Oh, and he splits the uprights.

Oh, to put them down by two scores. Oh, there you go. Ben Rothlesberger, hurting a little bit less. Josh Allen, wondering why you have a left Idaho. Big time kick. Laces out. Number nine splits the uprights. Bill's mafia. Who are they going to blame this time? Pat McGruder. Oh, look at that. Look at that buffalo's head coach. That looks like me when a new joke doesn't work. What's with the fucking Steelers hats too? Like they just they have a circle is all in yellow and then you can't even see their logo. Is that supposed to make me look at it closer? Is it supposed to add an air of mystery to Ben Rothlesberger? Rothlesberger? However you say it. So anyway,

saw somebody trash in Hollywood. I always get these emails of people trash in Hollywood. It's just like, I don't understand. Have you ever been out here? All the pedophiles out and fucking day. Oh, yeah, there's no pedophiles. Will you live? I'm sorry. Oh, a pedophile is a person in your neighborhood. Oh, a sex offender is a person in your neighborhood in your neighborhood in your neighborhood. Does it sound like I'm just stretching right now because it should because I'm still waiting for Kyler Murray. I'm still waiting for the Reads here. I'm still waiting for the Reads. Well, I think, you know, barring a miracle. Alcoa presents fantastic finishes. I'm going to call it early here like a presidential election.

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time to read whatever the fuck people wrote this week. Click to exit full screen. Come on, man. Just let me get to my fucking goddamn emails here. Can you do that for me? Alright. Airplane is a remake. Sort of. Don't do this to me. Is it Kentucky Fried Movie? What was first? Bill needs to watch this YouTube video. It tells the story of how airplane was virtually a shot-for-shot. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like those airport movies of another remake of another movie, but played for comedy versus drama. Definitely worth a watch. Thanks, you won't be disappointed. Yeah, they had all of those George Kennedy movies. It was a spoof of those movies. Alright, so I'm watching it right now. Zero hour, 1957. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. Now somebody tried to tell me

that Robert Stack didn't even get the movie. Oh shit, this is my kid's FaceTime me. I gotta hit pause. Alright, I'm back. I'm not really back. I fucking somehow recorded the last 20 minutes of the podcast and I didn't have the record on because I don't know what I did wrong. So at this point, watching the Patriots versus the Dolphins and the Dolphins, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. They went right down the field with Theo Tugovaiola. Tagovaiola. Sounds like a pitcher. Viola. Just shredded our defense, just ran down the field like we weren't even there. Mack Jones first pass of his NFL career. Good zip on the ball first down. So the Mack Jones era has begun. Chains are out. They're looking to see if it was a first down. But you guys don't want to know this. You guys want to hear what I have

to say to you guys with about the whole fucking shit that you wrote. I'm going to reread the I literally just did this. I just did this. Fourth and inches, you fucking cunt. Alright, here's somebody writes in airplane, which by the way, is a movie that I was talking about that I really enjoyed that I watched again and it totally holds up like Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. Airplane is a remake sort of of this movie zero hour from 1957. It's almost a frame by frame. I guess remake of that movie combined with all of those great airport movies that I used to watch. There was these TV movies that I can't even tell you what a friggin event it was. There was like airport 70s. I don't know what airport 75 airport 77. And then there was fucking the last one.

I want to say it was like airport 81. I forget what it was, but it was like George Kennedy was always flying a plane. I remember the first one. It might have just been called airport. And this guy got on a plane and you know, he brought a bomb on it. I don't know what he went to the bathroom. He blew out the half the fucking back of the plane. They got to land the thing, right? Probably not the best thing to talk about 20 year anniversary of 9 11. But you know, this is what you guys wrote in. So here we go. And then the next one was Don't even fucking say fucking ball. God damn it. Fumble Patriots. You motherfucker. That was shaping up to be a nice drive there. Let's see is his knee down is the knee down.

Does the ball come out? Couldn't tell from that angle. That didn't look like a. Oh, come on. What the fuck? That's not a fumble. So anyway, probably wasn't the best angle. We'll see. So anyway, then they had, it was such a hit, you know, Hollywood. It's like, well, they liked it. Let's do it again. Then they did airport 75. That was that. I think that one that landed in the fucking ocean and they were underwater and they needed somebody to save them somehow raise them up. And then there was airport 77. I forget what happened on that one. And I just remember the last one. George Kennedy was flying the, the Concorde,

which was something I always wanted to do was to fly the Concorde from supersonic plane from, which I don't even know what that means faster than the speed of sound, maybe from New York to France. I actually took a picture of the plane one time. I was walking through Kennedy airport in like the late nineties. I just saw it. It was like famous. It was fucking iconic. It was one of the sickest looking planes ever. And unfortunately they had that crash. I believe a tire, the tire blew and went up into the engine or something like that during takeoff. They slammed into a hotel. Well, that's uplifting bill. Well, that's what happened. And then they did away with it and there hasn't been another supersonic jet since as far as a passenger one.

But anyway, so then airplane, the movie came out making fun of those movies, but I guess it's also that movie zero hour, which I will definitely check out from 1957. As I told you guys, I like to disappear into the past. That's how I handle the news and all of that shit. I just fucking watch that shit. So all right, let's get on to your next question that I've already fucking answered, but you guys will never hear the answer to. Screaming. Oh, by the way, the name of that YouTube video is side by side comparison airplane versus zero hour. If you want to check that out at work, whatever it is you're doing. All right, screaming at the top of your lungs. Oh, that is something I did today. I didn't want to disturb people in the hotel here. I was trying

to sign on to NFL ticket. I literally put my hand over my mouth and I was just like, why is this so fucking difficult? All right, screaming at the top of your lung. It's really, I don't know if it's the direct TV website. It's like it just goes to this fucking page that tries to get you to sign up for it. And once you've already signed up for it, it's like that you still open it up on that page. And what you have to do is click on something on the right and then click on watch and then you're okay. So anyway, they called that a fumble. I must have had a bad angle. Jesus Christ, Patriots looking to be down and I bet the Patriots this week. I also bet the fucking Cardinals. So that was a good pick. Let's see this. Where does the ball come out? Oh, that was close. I think that

was a good call. You won't see it on this angle. I don't know. It was one of those things probably there wasn't enough conclusive evidence. All right, screaming at the top of your lungs, which I think I'm going to be doing if the fucking dolphins go up 14 to nothing. Come on. Come on. Please stop the run. There we go. There we go. Third down. They're gonna be out of field goal range here. I love it. I love it unless we fucking blow it here on third down. Okay. Hey Bill, lady listener here. I've been a big fan for over a year now. Sorry I'm late to the party and thanks for the laughs. I'm an opera singer. Well, geez, Louise. I mean, you guys are some of the best singers on the planet. You guys are like whatever auto tune is. You guys are the

opposite of that. I'm an opera singer. So keeping my voice healthy is a top priority in my field. Watching your specials, I'm amazed how you can scream so much during your shows and seemingly never become horse. If I do a couple of shows, if I do like five or six shows, I will definitely get horse or if I screw up and come from my voice box area as opposed to my diaphragm, I will be in trouble. My question for you is how have you lasted all these years without completely destroying your voice? I'd love to know your secret. It is no secret and I'm actually scared that you're someone who sings professionally that you're afraid for me. So watching the replay here, did we sack him? Did we sack him? Did we sack him? Did we say yes,

baby? Woo! Fuck you. Love it. Dolphins back to punt from their own 41 yard line. Come on, take it back one time. One time. Just take it back here. Nice kick. Nice kick. Doesn't fair catch. Side steps to first guy. We got a white guy and he is on the ground. That was all right. I think he's kind of fast. All right, here we go. Mack Jones coming out for the second possession. I actually messed up my voice early on in my career, imitating how my dad would cough and then try to draw air in. He made this really crazy sound that I still won't do because I can't even do it anymore. But I did it every night on stage as part of a bit back when people smoked in the clubs and I didn't realize I was destroying my voice. I can't even do the impression anymore.

So I know I've done damage over the years probably, but early on I was really, you know, when I wanted to yell, I just came from my throat. So I actually took singing lessons from this old guy in Boston that barely charged any money on my commav way back in the day and the rumor was that early on he actually helped Steven Tyler with his voice. And if you notice the difference between, and I don't know if that's true or not, but if you notice the difference between Steven Tyler's voice on the first album, Aerosmith versus Get Your Wings, his voice sounds way better on the second one and sounds different. Like the first album, it doesn't even sound like him. And I think he probably, you know, heard his voice and eventually

went to this guy, but whatever, the guy was great. And he kind of talked me how basically to yell and not come from my voice, my throat area. That's how I try to avoid it. You know, and there's other tricks that I can just do like, like not yelling and just being silly or whatever. But I will be honest with you, the fact that you're wondering how I haven't done permanent damage, destroying my voice, it actually makes me a little concerned. Maybe because I've screamed my whole fucking life, I have a stronger vocal cords. They've been training. I don't know. I have a temper, so I don't know. Maybe, maybe that's it. I have no idea. So anyway, plowing ahead here,

wedding advice. Don't do it. No, wedding advice. Bill of Fatty making fun of Fatty's burr. Well, Jesus Christ, if that isn't the truest statement ever made. By the way, I gave in to the temptation of the deli. Got a bacon egg and cheese last night, ate a pint of ice cream. I did that two nights ago too. So, but I've been here for a number of days. I only did it two nights out of like seven. So it still was bad, but I'm not going to do it tonight. Okay. Bill of Fatty making fun of Fatty's burr. I have a small wedding. I'm the best man coming up and wanting to know what you think about my toast. I'm so dumb. I thought you literally meant your toast. Like, okay, what do you,

do you burn it up? What's the deal? You're not talking about that toast. What you think of the toast you will be making? It will be my friends and family, a destination wedding. Only the grandparents are conservative. Everyone else is pretty cool. I was going to open up with a joke and then proceed to be more heartfelt about the bride and groom. Well, that's a great strategy. That's the old school roast. That's the way the old school roasts were. The new school roast is you just, I don't know what it is. You just don't even know the person. You eviscerate them and then really quickly you go, Hey man, always liked you. I like your game plan here. He goes, here is what I was going to open with. Hello, I'm the best man and I have known the groom

since we were kids. In fact, I even remember his first girlfriend. Oh Jesus. The relationship didn't last long though. She took forever to download and he was getting carpal tunnel. Does that suck? Any advice is good. Keep up the hard work. All right, that would bomb in a comedy club, but I mean, it's not a bad, it's not a bad joke as far as joke structure. You are bringing up past relationships. You are sort of alluding to him jerking off to the internet. I don't know how fucking cool people are. I don't know how much rum you're going to be drinking on the island or whatever that you're going to at all. You just read the room. I mean, personally, I would go with the story. First dad Patriots. I would go with the story that,

I mean, if you're the best man, you got to be like best buds with this guy. Don't you guys have stories of shit that you've done together that you did together and, you know, some knucklehead story of the two of you guys that kind of makes fun of both of you as opposed to bringing up the fact that even though you're talking about, you know, him, you know, just jerking off to internet porn, you are kind of bringing up past relationships. I don't know. I would read the room. It's not a bad joke. It's a good wedding joke. Yeah, but you got to have a funny fucking story. Somebody locking their keys out of the car. You were drunk at the time you went on a road trip and it didn't fucking it is something just I would try to keep it light. The last thing you want to do is become

a moment in the wedding. Okay, it's not your day. It's not even your buddy's day. It's her day. Okay, that's what the deal is. And where are the feminists on that day? They don't give a fuck that it's not a celebration of both people. It's really her day. And if she's happy, it's a good wedding, you know, which really sets the tone for the marriage because it's all about if she's happy, then you can relax and maybe enjoy some of the day until she's upset. That's kind of how it works. All right, trying to become a reader. Oh, dude, preaching to the choir. Dear Billy Bookworm, my kid has read a lot of books for school. I envy the way he can just sit in a chair for an hour and read a book. Yeah, I envy that too. It must be nice to take your imagination for a spin and

check out the world. I've never been able to do this, but I'm trying more these days. Well, that's good. It'd be nice to be all ooh, ah, about some fantasy shit, or even a crime novel. I got five pages into a book that I was really enjoying, but got distracted by a work call. That was three weeks ago. I know you read books here and there. Yeah, more, more, more there than here. And I was wondering if you have any tricks for shutting down your medieval mind. Hey, man, taking shots at me. What do you do before you read that helps clear your mind? Or what are you going, or what are you doing to stay, or what are you doing to stay with your head in the book? Thanks for the help. Oh, I have brutal concentration problems, especially when it comes to reading. So

I definitely have to not have anything that I'm stressing about in my life. Although that shit has to be out of the way. And if I'm actually going to read the book that my phone can't be around on or anywhere near me. And I also can't be anywhere near, you know, a TV, other people, or whatnot. So, and then I just, you know, I go with light reading, you know, I don't read war and peace. I read like the Jack Lambert story, you know, I'm not like, I just pick a subject that's light, you know, and, and I don't know if you kind of start with easier books that don't have a lot of small print in a ton of pages. Because I definitely find like, you know,

I don't know, everything to me becomes like the goal. Like this is a 400 page book. Okay, if I read 50 pages a night, I can finish it in eight days. Rather than just going into it like, I'm going to read till I'm tired and I'll stop. You know, when I diet, I do the same thing. I'm going to lose two, three pounds of luck a week, times seven weeks, and I will lose my 21 pounds that I need to lose rather than just being like, Hey, I'm going to change the way I eat and ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. That's another reason why I got to get off the fucking road, because I mean, there's only so many times, you know, it's just, I don't know, every place you go to is somewhere different and trying to drag your ass down to the gym, yet also conserve yourself. So you're

going to get to the show and trying to get sick. It becomes like, you know, and then you're hangry and all of that, you order something fucking awful. I'm sorry, Bill, was this question about you and your road schedule? No, it wasn't. So that's what I would do. I would pick an easy book that isn't too many pages, and I would get rid of all distractions around you and, and just be like, I'm going to get through five pages, start off with small goals and walk it down. Patriots, first down and 10 on the 30 yard, almost an interception. I like this kid, man. He's got some zip on the ball pocket passer. See what happened here. Do you lead him a little too much? Yes, he did. All right, let's get to the next question here. No, you know, I'm going to watch

the next play. Sorry, I just want to see this next play. All right, 13 36 to go in the second quarter for those of you playing at home. All right, for some reason, they're showing the worst rest coach in the NFL. All right, second and 10, Mack Jones pitch out. All right, four or five yards, we'll take that. We will take that all day long. No flags. I love it. All right, let's get to kick girlfriend's sister. Geez. What do you want to do? The combo platter. Do you try to bang her too? Hey, Billy Redballs, I'm 20 and I've been dating my girlfriend for a few years now. It's been going great. However, she has a younger sister that won't shut up. Okay. She has a younger sister

that won't shut up third and six. Sorry, if you're going to have to, I got to watch a little bit of this drive here. Mack Jones. Oh, with the completion out of the flat. I love it. Down to the fucking 12 yard line. In Bill Belichick, we trust this kid looks all right. I know it's just the dolphins. I know it's just the first or second quarter of the first game of the year. I like the play calling. That guy wearing Jim Plunkett's old number. It's Cory Myers. All right. What do we got here? All right, Mack Jones, first and 10, 12, 20 to go, under center. The center's confused. He's talking to people. He hikes the ball. Mack Jones

goes with the second option. Corny Endzone throws it away. Smart play. Smart play. All right. Here we go. I'm 20 and I've been dating her. She talks shit and brings up how in high school, I used to smoke ganja all the time. I don't anymore. I've been pulling my life together. I don't smoke. I work out. I even started college for psychology. Good for you, but nothing changes her opinion of me. Well, why do you give a fuck what she thinks? My girlfriend and her mom has tried helping, but it's gone nowhere. Well, that's good that they're on your side anyway. I feel like a bitch just letting her walk all over me because if I do speak up, it will not be nice at all. She still thinks I'm some sort of hooligan who doesn't do shit. She hates men and only really

respects any guys who are drop dead gorgeous. I say this because I've only heard her talk good about dudes who are sculpted like Greek gods. She does swing both ways that I even her and even her on again off again girlfriend trash me. Oh, Jesus. Well, I mean, you know, her girlfriend and her defense, her idea of you is from her girlfriend. So I tried being nice by buying her Christmas gifts and birthday gifts. She will then be nice for one day, but immediately after she goes back to trashing me and hating me. All right. So what you have on your hands here is a cunt. So what you should, what you should do, what I would do, the first thing you do is be really nice to her girlfriend. Always compliment her. Hey, I really like that shirt. Laugh at her jokes.

Just always say something nice. Hey, good to see you. You know what I mean? Just divide and conquer. And then when her twat of a sister gives you shit, just agree with her. Smoke gone job. I'm fucking dealing now. I actually have some buried under the house. I'm going to take you guys all down with me. I would just do that sarcasm, agree with her and you know, just laugh and just then it becomes a one sided war. I think the reason why she's still doing this to you, aside from maybe some personal issues, is that she sees that it's getting to you and she's getting a rise from you. He says here in the last paragraph, she's a hurt human who causes a lot of her own issues and she's very hypocritical. Sounds like your standard

human being. I mean, you just described me. Myself as well as her family don't know how, don't know what to do. I started, I'm starting to hate being around my girlfriend's house and I love her family so it's hard. Any advice will help by the way. Nice show in Boston. Thank you. Well, thank you for coming out. I would just have fun with it, dude. You're letting a person that has no effect on your life. Another fumble by the Patriots recovered. Thank Christ. Johnny on the spot, number 60. Yeah, you just, you just, there's no reason to let this person affect you. All right, you know why she's doing this shit. It has nothing to do with you. That did just kill the drive, son of a bitch. All right, here comes a feelable folk. No, Keith folk was good luck for the Red

Sox. There we go. He's written more like folk music. Hey, you know, I was thinking this the other day, did you hear? I guess at one point, Donald Trump told his followers to get the vaccination and then they booed him. I got such a kick out of that. If that even happened, I didn't see it. Somebody told me that that happened. They booed him. And then I was thinking like, you know what, that's like the politician equivalent of when Bob Dylan went electric. You know, he was playing acoustic and everybody's like, yeah, man, coffee house acoustic. And then he came out electric and then all his fans were like, boo, do what you always did. I feel like that's what happened to him. Like I said, even if in fact, if that even happened, anyway, that is the podcast.

To that last kid, just fucking have fun with it. Just agree with her. You fucking potted. I know. You know, thank God I haven't moved on to coke yet or have I. I would just do that. And then to say to a girlfriend, Hey, you know, I like your shirt. Just do that. I would just have a fucking great time with it. And you know, I guess that's what you have to do. I don't know. It's too bad you're dealing with that. But just know that eventually if that if her sister continues to go the route she's going, she's, you know, it's going to be a train wreck, which you really shouldn't wish on anybody. But if she's being an asshole to you, at least it won't feel tragic. You can maybe kind of enjoy

the fact that she's completely miserable because that's what she sounds like, you know, but whatever you do, don't get mad at her, you know, and say something fucked up because then she'll use that against you. She just tried to have a good time. All right. So that's it, everybody. That is the podcast. By the way, how about the AL East, the Yankees who just took command winning 13 in a row of all of a sudden, you know, lost all these fucking games like 10 out of 11 or something nuts. They won last night on 9 11 against the Mets and out of nowhere, the Toronto fucking, you know, I'm not going to say Maple Leafs if we're talking playoffs, the Toronto fucking Blue Jays are actually in it. So now it's a three way race and everyone was predicting this Red Sox

Yankees. And for all you know, one of the somebody might go home, well, there's three people for two slots. So at some point, the song stops and only two people have a chair there, right? Yankees could go home, the Red Sox go home or maybe fucking what do you call it there at the fucking the Blue Jays? Who knows? Who knows? All right, that's it. I'm going to watch the Mac Jones era here. It is seven to three. And I'm liking what I'm seeing so far. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. See you.