Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-14-15

Episode Date: September 14, 2015

Bill talks to one of the great comedians of all time Brian Reagan about his upcoming LIVE stand up special on Comedy Central.

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It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 14th, 2015. What's going on? How are ya? I know what you guys are expecting. They're probably expecting me to talk shit about the Patriots winning and the Steelers crying about the headsets or whatever the hell they were crying about this week. Why is everybody, you know, I love about Giants fans. They never bitch about the Patriots. They just beat us. All the rest of you fucking sit there crying every week.

Anyways, I'm not going to get into that. I have a very special guest here, one of my favorite all-time comedians of all times. But first, I have to read his amazing intro here. Brian Regan, everybody, is going to be performing live at Radio City Music Hall. And the first time ever in the history of Comedy Central. Brian, you might as well talk at this point, I've already said. Yes. How many specials would you guess that Comedy Central has in their mountain?

Wow, I probably quite a few. Seven to eight million? Yeah, seven to eight million, I think. I'm going to bet on the over. I'm going to say it's nine million. Nine million, I like that. Nine million specials. This is the first guy who's ever had the nerve to tape a stand-up special live on Comedy Central and he's going to be doing it. Let me see if I can get on September 26th at 9 p.m. live from one of the most legendary venues of all time Radio City Music Hall.

I mean, I'm looking at the whole press release. You got like, you know, five stars from Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Dennis Miller, Joe Rogan, Patton Oswald, Mark Marin, The Who's Who. And we all love you, man. What's it like to have been a comics comic for a quarter of a century? It's a huge, huge honor, man. You know, making audiences laugh is great, makes you feel good, but to also, you know, make the comedians feel like you're doing the right thing, that makes you feel even better. I know my fun in this podcast is going to be torturing you with compliments. I know it's the most uncomfortable I've ever seen you.

Hey, what's it like to be a legend, Brian? Talk about being a legend. I'll go right into a bombing story. Let me tell you how about when I bombed and that wasn't so legendary. No, man. I've been doing this shit for 23 years. I'm old now. I am an old man now.

I know that every time when I try to do stand-up out in silver, like I'm not saying the kids are bad. It's just, I definitely feel like, wow, man, I feel like that generation gap. But you've been like, since I started, for those people like unfamiliar who've been living under a stand-up comedy rock, like Brian basically goes out and for 90 straight minutes, it sounds like a jet is landing. How hard this guy kills. And unlike me, you couldn't be the more polar opposite of me. I don't even think you say heck. No, sure I do. You don't say that, but still.

I do some hacks and some dams. But dude, your act is like airtight. Like no one can be like, oh, you know, he's just what? He's just writing perfect jokes. I'm sorry, Brian. I hate to torture you with this, but there's no other way to go with this. You're just an absolute master. You're very kind, very incredibly kind, and I cannot thank you enough.

No eye contact. No eye contact. I'm going to keep going. I remember when I first started headlining on the late 90s, the legend back then was when you booked Brian Regan, you would do two shows in one night and you would do two completely hour plus, totally clean, absolutely destroying sets. Like you had like the A set and the B set and you had like, there was always this urban myth. He's got two notebooks that both filled up once the first show and once the second show. He's doing the literally guys got two hours and 40 minutes of A level material. I called it the idiot and the oddity.

Oh, those were the two, the two shows. They were two different one hour shows and I would go to a comedy club for like a month and and I would alternate them. And the idea was if somebody came out and they liked what they saw, they go, wow, he's got another one. Maybe we'll come back and see the other show as well. So now did that come about because back then when you were coming up, like you had to be like anointed to do a special one. Nowadays, you just need somebody with the camera and you can put it up however you wanted. Like back in the day, HBO had to say, like, you know what, you're one of the six people that were picking this year or I didn't think Comedy Central was really making too many specials back then. So I was just wondering, did you like you wrote a special at that point?

Did you just say to hell with I'll just keep writing? Like, how did you end up with that much material at one time? Actually, well, just because I, you know, I'm always trying to write stuff, but it came about because do you remember when people were starting to do the one man shows? Oh, yeah. Like Rob Becker defending the caveman, you know, they would take a stand up and then kind of make it into a little story with a beginning, middle and an end. Take out a few laughs, you sit down behind a desk. Yeah, I mean, Rob Becker's is great, but there were a lot that were just, you know, seemed like kind of repackaged stand up, you know. And people were telling me, well, you should do a one man show, you should do a one man show.

And I'm like, I like stand up. I like the way stand up works. I don't want to, I don't want to like, you know, do a joke and then have a serious point and then walk across the stage and have a tear come out of my eye. Dramatic lighting. You know what's so funny? I totally relate to that because I've had so many people were like, my dream was always, I just want, if I could sell out improv's, that was the dream. If I could, if I could just go like, I, to me, when I was starting out when somebody said, oh, I have a gig in Houston this week, or I'm in Minneapolis this week, like to me, there was nothing cooler than that. Like this guy gets to get on a plane and fly.

And people know who he is. And he gets to go in there. And back then was, you get to wear the sport coat, right? And you get to go out and be a comedian. I just thought that that was the coolest thing ever. And I don't know how you feel about this one whenever you could have like the greatest special lever. And then they're always just like, see any TV, any movie, like first, it's, it's always looked at. It's got this weird thing where it's stand up is really respected by people, but then it's also looked at as just like this stepping stone, right?

Into, you know, doing like a, I don't know, like a sitcom or being some sort of actor or something like that. And I always just, I always thought like, no, dude, this is the thing. This is the thing. It always will be the thing. I can't get fired from this. I'm always going to be employed and it happens in real time. There's no cut. Let's go back and do it again.

And you're sitting in a trailer for 14 hours. Yeah, it's, you know, there are, you know, a few people who like it as an end result. I don't say a few. There are a lot of people who love stand up comedy. But yes, for a lot of people, it's a stepping stone to get into acting, to get into a TV show or movies. And that's great. But I like it as it is, you know, and, you know, people do always ask about the thing you don't have, you know? I just remember for years, you know, people coming up to me, you know, have you ever done the Tonight Show or whatever?

And when I hadn't, and yeah, like, no, no, I haven't done that. And, you know, you should call Jay. Yeah. That's what I say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the very first year I was working at the comic strip in Fort Lauderdale. I was a, I work in the kitchen, you know, I would like cook burgers that would let me go on stage at the end of the night. And a guy came up to me after a show and said, um, Rodney Dangerfield is playing down the road at the Sunrise Musical Theater.

He goes, why don't you go down there and open for him instead of this? You know, like, like, like all it took is me to just know where the theater was. Like I just walked down there. Oh, is he in town? Oh, where was it that way? So I just go down there and I open for him in a theater. You just show with the apron. You're greasy apron.

You're such a moron. I'm working in a kitchen here in a comedy club. I could go right down the road and open for Rodney Dangerfield. Thanks for the suggestion. But you know, it's funny in a way that mentality is how I got into this business was because I wanted to be a comedian. I didn't dare say it out loud, but I didn't think it was possible because like when I was thinking about doing it was which is like the late 80s started in the early 90s. But the late ages, I first started thinking about it, but there wasn't any YouTube. There was none of that crap.

So to me, I was living in Massachusetts show business was 3000 miles away. Like it just seemed impossible. And then I was working in a warehouse with this guy. And he was just going like, dude, one of these nights and he like staying up like glad he goes one of these nights. I'm going to take a shot at Jack Daniels and I'm just going to go down to an open mic down the street and you know, and just go up on stage. And all of a sudden I was just like, oh, wow, you can just do that. I thought I had to like, you know, get my teeth capped and moved out to LA and get a fake tan. Like I had no idea how to.

So I always, I always had like a panic attack when I think about that. I go and thank God I worked with that guy and thank God that he said that and he took it out of seeming like, you know, it was like the milky way away. He, he, he like made it like, yeah, yeah, just go right down the street. You just did that. Did that guy ever do it? You know, I don't know because we worked together for such a short period of time. I have no idea. That's the only reason why I don't like telling that story because then people like, did that guy end up doing it?

Oh, whatever happened to him. He's probably like some zillionaire banker. You know, I'm sure, you know, sit by a pool, loving his wife and kids and his dog just totally happy. But it's just to me, he didn't do what you did in life. So he must not be happy. When I, when I first decided I wanted to be a stand up, the only comedy clubs were in Los Angeles and New York. I was in college in Tiffin, Ohio. And I knew I wanted to do stand up.

This is what year? What year was this? 1980. This is going way back. Right. And so I knew I wanted to do it, but comedy had not yet, you know, exploded. It was only in those two cities. So I was gearing up to having to move to New York City.

I'm like, I didn't know what was going on. So when I thought I had to do a 92, you actually had to do an 80. That's what, yes. And then I went back down to South Florida, which is where I grew up, and I opened up the Miami Herald. And there's an ad in the Miami Herald for grand opening for the comic strip comedy club in Fort Lauderdale. It says sister club of the famous comedy club in New York City, open mic night, Monday night. And I'm like, damn, like, like it could not have been more beautifully perfect. Like, I don't have to move.

Right. I don't have to move to New York City. I can just fill up the car with gas and go up to Fort Lauderdale and try it. And so it became so much more attainable when I saw that ad, you know, and that's where I started. That's amazing. It's a very similar thing. I made a New Year's resolution in 1992 that at some point in the calendar year of 1992, I was going to do an open mic. That's how like shut down and shy I was.

I was so nervous about it. And the second I said that within two weeks in the school paper, the Amazonian, I went to Emerson College. It said, Nick's comedy stop. I had a contest. It was an ad find Boston's funniest college student. Wow. And the whole thing was just just to pack the club with a bunch of drunk kids buying drinks, watching their friends bomb. So I immediately I bought the paper, not even been free, I think I can't even remember the school paper.

I think it was free. And then I brought it home and I just immediately called the phone number before I chickened out. And I was just like, I want to do an open mic. And I remember so many kids from Emerson signed up that they actually gave us two nights. So I was supposed to go on at the end of something the last Monday in February. And then they called up. They said they had overflow. Would you want to do the first Monday in March?

And I was like, okay, like just to put it off. And then I hung up and I felt like I pussied out and but very like a similar thing. So yeah, I mean, it's weird how things will leap out at you. I mean, that, you know, all the ad of all the ads in the world, you know, for fast food places and hotels and that ad for that comedy club like jumped off the page to me. It was like, holy shit, man. It was just it was just perfect. And then I went there. So it's 1980.

So you went down there. So tell me about your first when you went on stage. Well, actually they want they wanted you to get there early to draw numbers. So I had to make the hour drive. I was still living with my parents in Miami. I make the hour drive up there and I get there. I don't know, six and five. Did they know you were going to try it?

I don't know if I, I may have told my parents, but I, I didn't tell anybody. Me too. I didn't tell anybody. I don't tell nobody nothing. You know what I mean? That's like a mob hit. Yeah. It's like, I want to go up there.

And if I bomb, nobody's going to know about this till the day I die. Brian, you seem so quiet. Yeah. Well, no, I just did nothing. You know, what are you doing this year? I'm just getting dressed up and leaving the house. So I go up there and there were like 20 comedians that had to draw numbers. You had to draw numbers for your time slot.

I don't know what any of this meant. And I drew, I guess a good number. You know, I had like a sweet spot right in the middle. And then right after the, the drawing, all these other open micers who had done it before, I guess it had been open like a month, you know, came up and said, I'll trade you. I'll trade you. I'll trade you my number for your number. And all I knew is whatever I was holding was valuable and I wasn't trading it for nothing.

Nice. You know, I'm like, they want this, so I'm keeping it. So I went on and what they, they had three co-headliners. It was very weird. And then they stuck the open micers up in the middle. I went on right in the middle of the show and I just completely blanked out on stage. Just complete wipe out blank, could not remember anything. When did you realize that walking towards the stage or when you got up and turned and faced them?

What happened was I had every word memorized. I had, hi, how are you? Written down. Which hand you were going to wave with? Everything. I had, hi, how are you? Written down and memorized. I walk on stage and that's the first time I realized how bright these lights are.

Like, I'm like, wigging out that I can't see a soul. And then I, I started to say, hi, how are you in the microphone? And there was feedback. I was too close. I went, hi. How are you? You know? Oh no.

So I did my first ad lib. I said, well, I've already learned one thing. I don't know how to work a microphone and it got a laugh. Oh, nice. And then my brain just shut off. Oh, because you didn't, you know what? Because I had memorized, hi, how are you to the next thing? And when I ad libbed, I didn't know where I was supposed to go after that.

And so they laughed at my ad lib. You know, well, I don't know how to work a microphone. They laughed. And I'm standing there going, I don't know. I could, I blanked out blank, blankity blank. How long before you? I stood there for about 10 seconds, which seemed like nine years. It was like an eternity.

And I said, well, you're not going to believe this folks, but I forgot my act. And they laughed. And I said, no, no, no, I'm serious. And they laughed. It was like a Twilight Zone thing. But you learn and honesty works. And I started ad libbing about how stupid I was for not being able to remember my act. I went, this is great.

I spent all this time and effort trying to figure out something. And I can't remember nothing, you know, just off the top of my head. And I started killing. And I started killing, rolling about how stupid I was. Were you able to enjoy killing? I enjoyed it. I knew enough to go, well, all I want is laughs, you know what I mean? And I'm just winging it, you know, talking about what an idiot I am and how this drive I made and all this stuff memorized.

And I can't remember a single thing. And I crushed, at least in my mind, for an open mic, dude, that's crushing. And then I said, well, I can't see myself ever remembering any of it. So good night. And then I got this big hand. I walked off stage. And then like the the headliners, one of them came up to me and said that that was a great routine about how you pretended to blank out. I said, I didn't pretend.

They said that you really were winging that. And I was like, yeah. But I was like in a fog. What did he say? You should definitely come back. Was he supportive guy? I forget who it was, but he was supportive. He said it was really funny.

So what was great for me is that my next time I went, I remembered my act and just ate it. That's hilarious. But I had the memory of knowing how to make people laugh from the first time that just kept fueling me to just keep going back and trying. What do you think would have happened if you just did your act and that first thing didn't happen? You completely ate it. Did you have it? You think you had any to keep coming back? I don't know.

I talked to other comedians about this and what's weird to me is that most comedians I talk to say that their very first time on stage, they did well. And then didn't do well the second time or third time. And I wonder how many potentially good comedians out there, if didn't go well and just sat hell with it. Now they're working at a home depot just crushing it every day. Is that funny guy I've ever met in my life? And they just, you know, and I truly wonder how many people just had the bad experience and go, I need this like I need a hole in the head, you know? I know because the first time, my first two were, I did Nick's, the talent thing, it went okay. And then I did Stitch's comedy club and did okay.

And those are both comedy clubs. But the first time I did a room that wasn't a comedy club, I've told the story a zillion times on the podcast. It was Jack Lynch had this room, Kelly's something or other. And it was some bar and I went up and I absolutely just ate it, wire to wire. I said on the microphone, Jack, I'm bailing. I said it to the host and all the comedians went, they collectively were like disappointing to me that I quit and I hated myself. And I remember, but I would say it never dawned on me to quit. Maybe it was because I did well those first two times, but I just, I just never, I was just like, all right, what can I do to avoid that?

Right. That awful feeling again. But you know, it's funny when I finally started getting a little bit funny. I actually was doing one of your mannerisms and people kept giving me shit going. You're stealing from Brian. That's like I'm two, three years in. Oh boy. I'm going like, no, I'm not.

You're a little, you're a crouched thing that you do. I was so influenced by you because I had seen you like, first of all, everybody was freaking out. When you were coming to play next comedy stop and everyone was going to do Brian Regan's coming. You ever heard of Brian Regan? And, and I was like, yeah, I'd seen him a couple to, I'd seen you a couple of times on TV. It's like, you got to see this guy. And it's like every comic in Boston was going, you got to see this guy. And I was like, I'm doing a Dick Doherty's room.

It's like, I don't give a fuck. Finish your set and drive in here. And I came in and I caught your second set. I still remember you wearing this red button down shirt. You went on stage and you, you were killing so hard. Like, you know, people wiping tears away, like falling into the aisles and stuff. And it was just so like, you probably the first big comic, like traveling comic. You came in, you followed all the Boston heavy hitters.

Cause you know how they used to love sticking like, you know, some legendary headliner with all the local references in them feature act to try and bury you. And then you went up totally clean. And it was a combination of watching you murdering and then seeing all the comics that I respected, like turn it into like audience members. And they were doing that laugh, like, like love and stand up and then being like, fuck, why didn't I think of that? And that's when you were doing like the prescription lens windshield thing and all that.

It was just, it was an amazing thing. And I appreciate it. I was so influenced by that that I started doing, I acted out, I was doing, I was doing like a little bit of when I would go into a punchline, I would like drop down a little bit and it took me, I did that for about maybe eight months. To a year. I was doing that. And it took me about seven years to get that stink off of me.

People go, nah, he's stealing from Regan. He's stealing from Regan. I was just like, I was like, I was two years in. I didn't know what I was doing. We were going, we got to learn from something. We got to watch it. That's just a huge honor. And thank you very much.

So I was actually, I was doing you a little bit. And, uh, and then I, fortunately I had guys like, uh, you know, Voss and Norton and Patrice and all of them, they teased me out of it. We used to all, we used to all sit there and trash each other going, you know who you're doing and who you're doing. And, uh, I used to tell Patrice, he was doing a little bit of Fred Sanford when he was going, like, kind of kind of do like that thing with his face. Um, so anyways, uh,

Well, thank you, man. I don't want to let, I very much appreciate the good words. Yeah. Well, look, I won't, I won't torture any more compliments, but so how did you come up with the idea to, to do a special live? I mean, that's, uh, well, you know, um, you were saying about Comedy Central does a lot of specials with comedians. And I've done a couple of with a couple with them in the past.

And, uh, you know, I just, I just wanted to do something different. You know, you know what I love about it is the thing I hate the most about doing a special is afterwards when you have to watch the footage and edit and look at yourself and listen to yourself. I've always, for the most part, throughout all the specials I've done, the few that I've done is I just, whatever show felt better. I just go, just take that show and whittle that down to whatever time they need. Cause I don't want to sit there and look at both shows.

Then it's twice. I don't, I don't want to fucking deal with any. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. And I avoided it the way I do like a term paper. So back in the day. So I was thinking about how you're, you're not going to have to do that. You're just going to go out, you're going to do it.

Yeah. And it's done. And then another thing too is like the only time comics do a special where they only have one show is if they don't have any budget, you clearly, you know, at this point, you can afford to take two, four, six shows if you wanted to, you're only going to, you're going to do it all in one. Um, what is the game plan you got going into that as far as like, is there, is there any like mindset that you're going into before that?

Like, all right, Brian, just go out there, have a good time and, uh, something shits the bed, you know, dress it and keep plowing for, I mean, what are you going to do? It's weird. Like I don't want to overthink it. You know what I mean? Like I, uh, on the one hand, I just, you know, I want it to be a, a show just like any other show. It just happens to be some cameras in there and some people out there and TV world watching

it, you know? Um, but at the same time, I, I want to have a couple of things going on. Like I've been talking to my manager. It's like, all it takes is one idiot, one idiot in the audience that, you know, wants to, uh, you know, have this be his moment. You know, it's like, you can't watch golf. You can't watch golf without a guy hitting a tee shot going to hole. Yeah.

And he just go, geez, are you really that starved for attention? You got to yell that. What are you going to go home and listen to yourself? That was me. I yelled, go in the hole. Get in the hole. Get in the hole. Yeah.

And they all say it too. You know, it's just, you know, so I have this little fear, not a big one cause my, my, my audiences are pretty damn cool. You know, but all it takes is one idiot in the audience who's like, Oh wow, it's going to be live. I can do something that, you know, I, you know, I can get some attention for myself. So, but then, you know, something, then if you trash him, then it just, what, what would I, what that would actually do is it makes it like really unique as far as like if somebody

were to do that and then you were to trash them. Even if they were to kick them out like live on the thing. I don't want to talk about this too much, but you have a great crowd anyways to give anybody any ideas, but actually the way you're looking at that, you know, and I was trying to think, you know, it's not like whenever I go do a show, I just do the show wire to wire and I don't screw up any jokes. You know what I mean? It's just when you're recording, it gets in your head like, Oh my God.

The documentation of that joke. I flubbed this word and it's just like, you don't care when the cameras aren't there. So I would think that you would just get into, ah, fuck it. You know, this is just, I'm documenting my performance of this hour on this night and this is how it came out and then you just go out there. Is that what you're going to do? Yeah. Well, it's been a while since I've recorded an hour.

The last thing I did was about five years ago and that was a CD. I get, I get antsy, man. When I get material, I want to, yeah, I guess, you know, a lot of people get material and they go, wow, this is good material. I want to keep doing it. I get to where it's like, I don't want to do it anymore. Yes. You know what I mean?

It's like, wow, this is really good. I'm sick of it. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I want to, I like to record it so it's there. You know what I mean? It exists, but now I can move on. You know, so that's one thing I'm really looking forward to is this material that I've been,

you know, kicking around for the last four or five years and I look forward to just nailing it down and then being done with it. The week after that, it's probably going to be more fun for me, like just starting to play around and get back into some different stuff. But I'm really looking forward to it. But as far as the... Do you have jokes in your act right now that you hate and you're actually thinking like, oh my God, not that you hate, but you're just so sick of telling that you're like, I can't

wait to record this so I can just be done with this joke. I start bumping up to that and I try to resist it and fight it. And then like, as soon as I start feeling that way, I try not to do that bit for a month or two, you know, so that when I redo it, it feels fresh. And this is a challenge because I'm coming up on this special and I need to have it in my bones to a degree, but not so into my bones where it's like you're a machine up there. You know what I mean? You don't want to suck the funny out of it, you know?

So it's a tight road. I always know which ones subconsciously. I don't even realize how much I hate certain jokes by the end of them. Once I do this special, it's just naturally the ones... You don't even make the choice the ones that you hate. You just never do them again. And I always think like, wow, man, I must have really hated that joke. I must have really been sick of doing that thing.

You know what's funny to me is it's just like in your normal progression, you know, you come up with a bit, you know, some new thing and you're excited about it. You know, you have your hit list, right? Here's something new I want to get to. Here's something relatively new I want to get to. And I'll look over that before I go on stage. But I don't have a list of the bits that I'm dropping. They just fall away.

They just fall. You know, there's something like you say about your subconscious that just goes, I've had enough of this one and it's just gone. And then a year later you think and go, oh wow, I used to do this bit about such and such and it just fell away. I never did it again after my special. We got to take a real quick break here so I can do a little bit of advertising here. And I almost did the radio thing.

I always think to do that. We're here with Brian Rigger. Like people don't listen to these things wire to wire. So I'm going to do a little bit of, you're going to listen to me read out loud here, everybody. And I'll be back in a second. All right, everybody. Trunk club. Trunk club.

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He's one of my favorite comics of all time, and he's just the best, and he's the best, nicest, most humblest fucking guy ever. Absolutely love this guy. Here's more, Brian Regan. All right. All right, and we're back. So I wanted to tell that story, you know.

One of the coolest things was the first time like I really got to hang out with you and meet you. I was playing the comedy works in Denver, one of the great all-time rooms, and you were playing like the United Center or the Pepsi Center or something in Denver. You were playing like the Avalanche play or some shit. Red Rocks.

I think I said Red Rocks. Yeah, well you too shot that video. Yeah, like an unbelievable 8,000 seater. And after you did your show, you still took the time to come in and catch my late show. And at that point I don't think I'd really, I'd met you a couple of times,

but I never really got to hang out with you right before I went on. So I'm gonna go, hey, just so you know, you know, Brian Regan's hanging in the back. He came in and wanted to check out your set. And it was the most ridiculous honor. I couldn't believe it. Then I was thinking like,

don't fucking go down in that crouch like you did back in 1995. He's gonna be like, this dude, she's guys fucking stealing from me. He's doing me with those filthy words. Yeah, they're going, you too, you too. Hey, wait a second. No, I'd be like, you cunt. My filthy act.

And then we ended up hanging out and you was so complimentary and nice. And also something that I loved was you were like me. You were over 40, but hadn't quit drinking. I can't stand people that just can't, it can't fucking handle alcohol. I mean, I should talk right now. I'm going like, I shut it down every once in a while

for like 70, 75 days. And by the time this podcast comes out, I'll be on like day 71. So, well, you know, it was funny in the middle, in your set that night, you said that you weren't drinking. You said, you know, I don't, I'm not drinking now or something like that.

So I was thinking, oh man, we're not going to be able to have a couple cocktails after the show. And then we went out to the bar afterwards and I said, you know, I know you don't drink. And you go, and you were like, whoa, hold on, hold on, butchie boy. Yeah.

No, I was just like, Regan Sam, if he's having a drink, I got to have a drink with Regan. There's no fucking way I'm not doing this. But I just take times off because I find like one of the things that I cherish about being a stand-up comedian is the free time that I have

to pursue whatever the fuck I want to do, either just sitting on the couch like right now, you know, it's a Saturday when we're taping this and I'm taping three college football games, which I probably won't watch until like Monday or Tuesday. And I just love that I can just have a Tuesday, that if I want to get up at nine and have an English muffin and then just watch

three college football games in a row, like I'm some assistant coach watching game film, like I got to break them down for somebody. I just love that I can do that. But the dark side of all of that free time is I can go out and get hammered whenever I want to. And if I don't watch it, I will start drinking again

like I did when I graduated high school with, I just remember like 10 days after I graduated high school, my mother just walked in, classic her, just really stoic and right to the point was your father and I think you've done enough celebrating was all she said. And that was her way of saying, dude, you're a fucking lush and you can end up in the gutter.

So celebrating. Yeah. Well, I mean, I was going out to like, like two, three, four o'clock in the morning. It was so funny because I was young. I would go out, I would be absolutely fucking hammered and by 830 in the morning, I was at my warehouse job unloading trucks

and all I had to do was make it to 10 when the roach coach came and eat like a, one of those sausages. And then it just sort of leveled me out and I was fine. And somehow I still had a flat stomach. It was fucking, I didn't realize how lucky I was back then. So that's, that's why I, I just go through periods of, I just sort of shutting it down. To me, it's like, it's a once every two month thing.

You know, like I, I know the night that I'm going to be able to be crazy and I'm careful and I'm not driving. And I don't, I know I don't have anything to do the next day. I mean, like it's planned, you know, when you're younger, you know, you just wing it, you know, but now it's like, it's in my calendar. I'm getting wrecked on the 28th with my friends. I was hoping you could say once every two months,

you shut it down because you've been going too hard. You're like, once every two months I drink. I'm like, oh God, I'm a mess. I'm a mess, but I got a, I don't know, man. Like I go on the road with my buddies. You know, any of those guys, Jason Lawhead, Joe Bartnick, just these great guys that I go to the Rose Bowl with every year, Paul Berzy.

They're part of that, that wave that came probably a couple of waves after my graduation class and they're all just guys, guys, cigar smokers like to go to sporting events and all of that. So it becomes like sort of a stand up tour and a little bit of like a bachelor party kind of vibe, you know, minus of course the hookers and the blow and all that type of shit. We don't, we don't, it's pretty mainstream.

It's all above the board legal stuff. But you know what, the funny thing is, is we get to the point like none of us, you know, we'll be like, dude, we're not drinking tonight. We're not blah, blah, blah. And just there's something about the chemistry of all of us. Really? And the free time that we have that we just end up getting

absolutely annihilated. Like some of the worst nights of drinking we have is like, dude, we'll go easy tonight. Right? We'll just shut it down. You know, we've been hitting hard the last three nights of tonight. We do the show.

We get in bed. We hit the, we hit the fucking hotel gym and then we're on the road. Sounds good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then all of a sudden like, you know, law heads hosting,

he'll come off and be like, maybe I'll just have one heater. Yeah. And then it just, and then we're laughing as we're doing it. We're laughing, just laughing at ourselves. So it's like a game of chicken because I have three different golf weekends a year with brothers and friends. And it's just guy golf weekends. And I don't even golf and that sounds awesome.

Oh man. We golf during the day. We play Texas hold them at night. And, um, and you know, I've got this bus, you know, that can, we use for the golf weekends. And it's kind of cool. And sometimes we have a long, kind of cool. That's fucking awesome.

It's, it's cool. If I golf, we get hammered, Texas hold them. We got a tour bus. It's kind of cool. I got a poker table that was made to fit in the, uh, in the bus so we can play Texas hold them while we're rolling. So anyway, you know, you get in early, you get on the bus early sometimes seven a.m.

You got a long haul to get to the, and there's like 12 guys. And it's like, who's going to be the first one to crack a beer, you know, and it, because everybody's like having coffee and trying to look like they're sane and normal, you know, they have a good thing of orange juice. We're all pretending like we're normal. Yeah. You know what I mean?

And then one guy goes, uh, hand me a Budweiser. And then the next thing you know, 12 Budweisers are open. And everybody just goes like, yeah, the first guy goes, let me get a Budweiser. Everybody says, oh, yeah. Yeah. Somebody's starting a little early. And then five minutes later, they're in, you know,

the second you just hear it open. Just like, ah, dude, I got to get one of those. The last one I, last run I did, I did with Bartnick. And, uh, we actually had, we actually went to the hotel gym, like every day. This is when I knew I was drinking too much and I had to kind of shut it down. I was getting all fucking bloaty and shit.

And, uh, we had this thing that we did every day that we, after we worked out, we came out of the hotel, we went onto the bus and we had one Bud Light. And we knew we were just going to have one Bud Light because we had a show and, you know, we're older guys, you know, if you have two drinks, you're going to have to nap for nine hours. Right. You'd have to keep going and you can go for like 12 hours or you

drink two and you're done. So we would have one and because I knew I was just having the one, I would like savor it. Like I would just be like sipping it. Like I was, you know, like when you stole your dad's first beer and it was like one of the highlights of the tour. It was a fucking Bud Light. I think, I think I could figure out how to make that in a bathtub.

I could prohibition. It was so fucking cold and delicious. Just sitting there and they had, you know, the little TV there on the bus and it just sat there and we would always put on like Sports Center or something. And it was, and then the hardest thing was when you finished was not in that next 10 minutes to grab the next one. I found out like if I just could get through that 10 minutes and

I grabbed the water and I started drinking that like whatever that chemical need of like, yeah, man, let's have some more of that. I would kind of wear off and I was able to do my show, but it's something that I had my brothers and some other friends out in Las Vegas where I live and they were on their, they were on a golf weekend. I lived there and I was able to join them one night and it was one of those nights where I said, you know, I'm, I got a car for us,

you know, and please call me on one of these nights. Yeah, I'd love to. I'm flying for that shit. Oh man, that would be fantastic. That's been annoying Alki. Call me in for the drinking. When you're flying in. Oh yeah.

To drink. So I don't play Texas hold them. I don't golf. I'll just be that guy. I'll be the guy. So you're not guilty. I'll just open that first beer. Yeah.

You'll be our designated first beer opener. Yeah. So we go out and it was my, you know, it's like, all right, I knew I could let loose, you know, I didn't have my kids. I didn't have to drive, blah, blah, blah, blah. So it was one of those deals where you wake up the next day and you're like, I don't quite remember the end of the evening. I swear I look on them.

I shouldn't be telling the story because of, but I look at nothing you're going to say is going to be anything worse than I thought. The, my shirt, I had a button down shirt that I had worn the previous night. It's laying on the floor next to me on the bed, on the floor next to the bed. I pick it up and there's a tire mark across the back of it. A car tire mark. And I don't, I don't know how it got there. I'm like, I'm in a car, couldn't have run me over.

I mean, I'm, I'm alive. I'm in bed. I think you went a little Will Ferrell. I think you took the shirt off. It was literally a tire mark and I had to call my brothers and go, how is a tire mark, a car tire mark on the back of my shirt? And they told me that we were getting in the car and that my foot hit the curb and I kind of like tripped and fell on my back underneath the car.

And like my back ended up against the car tire. They say, you don't remember that. I was having to pick you up and put you in a limo and I'm like, damn. Dude, you fell underneath the car. Yeah. Not into a car, not on a car. I fell under it. You fell under it without it moving.

It's all you got sucked under. That's like a trick shot. It's not even possible. Yeah. That's a trick shot coming off a curve. I don't know how you could do that. They said I did some weird kind of flip around and then ended up with my back up against a tire.

I'm like, did you say I should go home after that? I hope those were your lines. Yeah. It's time for him to get home. Joe DeRosa, another one of my great drinking buddies, he's got a buddy of his back home. You know when you have a beer and a shot, which is one of my favorite ways to start out. You know what I mean? Just sort of set the tone and his buddy calls it bingo bingo.

Oh, yeah. Which is the greatest thing ever to me. He came and showed up one time. He had a shot and a beer and Joe was just going like, hey, what do you got going on there? You guys, you know, bingo bingo. I went with a shot. Bingo bingo. Hit this one, then I hit that one.

I would think bingo would be the shot. Bingo's got to be the beer, right? Well, you do the shot first and then the beer, right? Shot and the beer. So I would say bingo bingo. Look at me. I'm trying to rewrite it. Out on the road and this guy ordered a bunch of Irish car bombs.

Okay? You drop, it's a big thick black stout beer and a big glass. Yeah, it's not. Is it a Guinness? What is it? Yeah, maybe a Guinness. And then you take a shot of whiskey and you drop the shot glass into the beer. So the whiskey and the beer all together and then you chug the whole thing.

Yeah. All right. Irish car bomb. Well, I got the name wrong. And then the next time I was in that city, all these guys got to, it was Philadelphia. I went to this like kind of cool, rough Philadelphia bar. Yeah. And it was this guy who we had done the Irish car bombs with and his friends.

So I'm trying to be like a guy and I thought it was a mudslide. I thought that, which is, you know, like a chick drink. So I'm trying to fit in and I went, who wants to do some mudslides? And my buddy who was the one who did the Irish car bombs looking at me like, what the hell are you doing? I'm like, no. And now I don't want to back down. I'm like, oh, you guys don't want to do mudslides, huh?

Like I keep pushing it and they're all looking at me. So I go over to the bar, you know, Mr. Big, Big shot bartender over here, seven, seven mudslides. All of us mudslides. They set up all these chick drinks. And then next thing I know we're doing like these light cream shots. Oh, they all went with it? Yeah.

Well, because they knew I was a comedian and they were like, well, this is something this guy likes, I guess, you know, they, they didn't want to like undercut me. And then my friend finally took me aside and go, what the hell are you doing here, man? And I went, that's what we did last time. He goes, those are Irish car bombs, man. Dude, that's like a reoccurring thing with you. It's like, you're one of the smartest guys I know, but you're always saying I'm a moron and all that type of thing.

You just always seem to have these socially awkward, you know what? Derosa did that. When he was in Boston hanging out with me, we, we did the shows over at the Wilbur. And afterwards all my, my fucking knucklehead friends from high school, all my great friends, we were all drinking. And in one of my buddies was really talking to Derosa. They just sort of hit it off. Right.

And then, you know, he, and then he walked over me once point, he goes, dude, he goes, what's up with you? Well, he goes, what's up with your boy? I go, I don't know. What do you, what's the matter? He goes, he goes, I just asked, you know, what do you want for a drink? He, he wanted a white Russian. And he goes, dude, he goes, dude, I'm all set with that guy.

So I'm laughing, thinking he's just breaking his balls. So later on in the night after we go to leave and I'm laughing, I go, Derosa, you know, it's hilarious when you ordered that white Russian, my buddy was breaking your ball, balls to me saying, he goes, dude, I'm done with that guy. And then Joe just goes, is that why he stopped talking to me? He just, he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the fucking night. He was dead serious, which killed me. Cause that's such like a Boston thing where like, like that's the, like that, that alone,

I imagine Philly's the same way. If you were to order like the wrong, like someone's just, I like this guy, this guy's cool. And then all of a sudden you order. You order something that's just a little too fucking soft. Yeah. Over. Right.

You're dead to me. Mudslides. Mudslides. I should get together with him. We'll do some mudslides and some white Russians. White, white Russian chasers. Bingo bingo. Bongo bingo.

A little sugar, savory, sugar, salt or something. All right. Let me, let me make sure that I promote this thing. I'm sure this went by in his head. I knew it 44 minutes already before I get out of here. I do want to bring this up to you. We have to talk about the time when we decided for some reason I'm, I'm going to say it was my idea that we were going to do a show together.

You know, and this is of course was, was I was like, not only is this guy the funniest dude ever. He also likes to drink. I have to do a weekend with this guy. But I knew that you were playing like these jobs. You know, I was like, I'm going to do a show. He likes to drink. I have to do a weekend with this guy.

But I knew that you were playing like these giant places. I think I was doing clubs or whatever. And so I was like, I'll open for you. I don't give a shit. And then you were like, Hey, why don't we just do a club? You know, the whole excuse was for us to drink. So like, why don't we just, we'll just do a club. We picked Cobb's comedy club in San Francisco.

And it was just like, you know, for charity, for charity. We figure we won't even make any money. It'll just be an excuse for you and I to hang to get together and drink. And I was, I was going on first, you were going going on second. And that's how I found out about the St. Jude's charity, which I still donate money to. And it just seemed like such a great idea in our heads. It's just like, yeah, it's, you know, I'm completely filthy.

You're totally clean. They're going to get the, they're going to get the total standups. White guy spectrum here. And we went up there and I go on stage and your crowd was looking at me like, who is this angry leprechaun? And I would say on a scale of one to 10, I give my set was about a four. And then you go on stage. I'm going, all right, Regan's going to, or at least Regan.

I felt bad. I was like, oh man, I kind of bombed in front of his crowd and everything. And then you, you go on stage. I remember my sister was there. You were killing her. And then all my moron friends, fans are sitting there looking at you like, he's been on stage for eight minutes. He hasn't said fuck yet.

Yeah, I don't, I didn't feel like I killed either. I mean, I, I felt like, like you say, I, I, I, you know, I did fine, but I think we both did. I don't like to do fine. You know what I mean? Fine is not what we want, but you know, it was like for a good cause. But yeah, I think it was like the two disparate, if that's the right word, you know, audience is too big a gap.

Yeah. And I remember afterwards sitting in the bar and it was sort of like the elephant in the room that we didn't want both wanted to dress that we both just sort of did fine. And we were just sort of sitting there. It was ruining our night sitting there drinking. And then finally you brought it up. You just like, like three beers.

He was like, so, hey, what did you have? How'd you feel about that? I was like, I didn't think that went that good. And then we were sort of standing there, little buzz going like, yeah, dude, what the fuck? That was for charity. Like we said, we didn't have to be there. We almost got like pissed for a second.

And we just started laughing and realized that there was too big of a gap. Well, it was a noble cause. You know, what's weird about that too is, I think, I forget what the charity ended up being American Heart Association or something like that. I thought we did the St. Jude thing. It was one of those two. But I remember like cancer society, something, but you know, we contacted, my manager's office contacted them that we were going to just donate all the money

and like they don't say yes right away, which is weird to me. They're like, well, who are these guys? That's right. You know, and they want to know a little bit about us. We're giving money. We're not asking you for money. Yeah. And it was like, you have to figure out how to give the money away.

But you know what I think that was? Because it was probably the way things are nowadays. Like if they get associated with somebody who controversial or whatever. Like say Donald Trump the week he said, you know, I guess evidently all Mexicans are rapists and he was saying something to that effect. And if he was to donate them money, like the blowback could go on to them like, you're accepting money from a known racist. And they're like, hey, we're trying to cure cancer here.

Right, right, right. You know. So anyway, yeah. It was a good time. I probably shouldn't have brought that up. No, it was great, man. It was a blast. And I thought we had a great time that night hanging out.

So it was cool. I would like to have done a little better. I'm not going to lie to you. It's still fucking bugs me. I think I probably said that during my set. Like, dude, do you understand? I don't have to fucking be here right now. It's like I'm working for free.

Can you give it up a little bit? We should do like the opposite extreme. Like I should perform in front of your crowd and then I'll get a one out of 10 and you get a 10 out of 10 and then you can perform in front of my crowd. Maybe we need some of you to feature to kind of sort of bridge. Bridge the two worlds. Like a David Feldman. This is unbelievable comedian, unbelievable joke writer,

but he will out of nowhere say cunt on stage. Maybe. I don't know. Are you a sports fan, Brian? I like sports, but I'm always reluctant to say I'm a sports fan because then I immediately get hit with a question I can't answer. I grew up in Miami. I'm a Dolphins fan.

I like football and I like golf. You know what's the great thing about you coming out of Florida? Florida has a bad reputation for comedians. Like they try to say that a bunch of hacks come out of there and then you're always the go-to guy. They're like, fuck you. They're like, Brian Regan. They always name three.

I forget who the other two are, but every city I think kind of just has three good ones. Every state at this point. There's only the top 100 comedians. You've got 50 states. There you go. You've got two states. Two from each state.

Yeah. Who are the two from Rhode Island? That's funny. Everybody's got that. I was trying to steer the conversation towards sports because I've been defending my New England Patriots as they've literally become like the fucking anti-Christ, the anti-Christ, however you're supposed to say it.

Just now at this point, like we just, after the nine millionth thing that we've been accused of, of course just accused. Nothing has ever been proven other than that we cheated for one game in 2007 where we filmed the Jets. Right. And then a bunch of people were like, well then your Super Bowl championship shouldn't count.

It's like, yeah, they should because it wasn't against the rules for us to be doing what everybody else was fucking doing. We just ignored them and we cheated against the Jets and we got ratted out by fucking Man Genie. Other than that, it's just been a bunch of fucking hearsay. I was just hoping you would either 100% agree with me or 100% disagree with me and we get into an epic argument about it. You're into golf.

Do you watch tennis at all? Did you see Serena lost? I saw that she lost. Yeah. That was devastating to me. That's why I hate watching tennis and golf. Those are the two most brutal. It's all on you.

It's like doing stand up on a late night talk show. If you go out and fucking bomb, it's like you're out there with somebody else. It's just 100% you trying to keep your emotions in check. Like the first time I actually sat and I watched a golf tournament wire to wire, I watched the Masters in I think 2007. It was when the wheels came off with Kenny Perry. And I was watching that whole thing rooting for this guy

and he's never wanted it. He's going to win his first major, blah, blah, blah. The guy was like three fucking holes away. I saw his kids go from tears of joy to devastation, like the guy died. And I later heard that when he lost, he didn't even talk to his family. I'm sure he said a couple of words.

He just got in his car and just started driving. And I remember being as a sports fan, so upset that I actually sat and watched that happen to a fellow human being. I felt horrible. I felt like I was looking at a... An execution. It's like you're watching an execution almost.

But there are similarities between that and what we do. It's like you have a horrible set somewhere, especially on TV. But at least you can blame the crowd on some level. You can stand, you know, not on TV, but in like a comedy club. Ah, fuck you people. You can do something to try to do something

to at least have some sort of... You're better at that than I am. Minor victory in it. They just have to sit there and as people are commentating, who would never have the will or the skill to do what they're doing and just be sitting there going, oh, the wheels are just coming off right now. You can see he's just visibly upset.

He's perspiring and they're just sitting there just giving play by play. Nobody... You bomb as a comic as bad as it gets. There's nobody giving play by play, doing that mystery science theater thing as you're doing it. That's all I'm saying. So I like golf.

I actually love tennis, but I like watching somebody... I was in France this year and I went to the French Open finals and I was so excited to see Djokovic win the French and then he would have won on all surfaces and he would have become part of this shortlist and he won the first set and after he won it,

he looked over at his coach and he fucking did like that, that Tiger Woods fist pump and I was like, oh man, this guy is dialed in. He's fucking dialed in. He lost the next three straight. Oh man. And it was just... It was great to see that Warrinka guy win his first one,

but that's one thing that is so great about sports is if you do win a championship or you do win something, you have that Eureka moment where you can jump up and down and celebrate and hug people. Most jobs don't have that line in the sand moment, you know, where you can just go...

Yeah, you know, you go to work nine to five and you do what you're supposed to do. You don't have some moment where you're just jumping up and down on your desk, you know. They should do that for people. They should do that for people every Friday when it's like 4.59 and they're like, you know, do that one minute left in the period

like they used to do in the Boston Guard. Yeah, that would be good. The whole place. Countdown. Yeah, from 10. 10, 8, 7, 6... People got the goggles on, spray and champagne and all that shit.

And then you go home for the weekend like we did it, you know. We had a good week at work. That might actually be a morale booster, especially if like some shit fucking job. I think that would be a great idea. You have your weekly countdown, man. You send everybody home in a good mood.

Absolutely. Well, dude, I gotta wrap this thing up. I gotta do some more advertising here, but it's been an absolute pleasure as a fan of the art of stand-up comedy to watch as much as your career as I've seen into actually, you know, when you came down to the comedy store,

comedy store, the comedy works, that is still and always will be one of the biggest highlights of my career. And I will definitely be there. What is the date of when you're shooting it here? September 26th, Saturday, 9 o'clock Eastern time, and I don't know what time it'll be

on all the other time zones, but 9 o'clock Eastern on Comedy Central. Bill, you're the best, man. The first live stand-up comedy special ever. First live special on Comedy Central. Comedy Central ever. I think HBO has done one. I think Seinfeld did a live special on HBO,

but this is Comedy Central's first one. It's incredible. Thank you. It's incredible. Hey, listen, man, I think you're great. I've always loved your comedy. I've always loved your perspective. Like cursing?

Yeah, I love your cursing. I love your drinking. Yes. No, man. And so I just wanted to return the compliment, man. That's why we wanted to come down to see you, because you're great. Well, I appreciate that.

And next time you are boozing, I don't play Texas Hold'em or golf. I'll learn the Texas Hold'em. Golf, I can keep it on the course. Hit me up, dude. I'll fly in. I'll fly in. I'll tell my wife I'm doing a corporate gig.

I just won't show up with any money afterwards. All right, please tune in September 26th at 9 p.m. on Comedy Central Eastern Time to watch their first live stand-up comedy special with one of the greatest comedians of all time, Brian Regan. Thank you so much for coming on, Brian. Thank you, Bill.

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