Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-15-14

Episode Date: September 15, 2014

Bill rambles about his new album, caning and stuff crust pizza. Jason Lawhead joins for advice section.

Even though woolly mammoths have been extinct for tens of thousands of years with the metaverse students will be able to go back to the ice age to visit them The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday Sorry, that was obnoxious for Monday September 15th 2014. How's it going? How are you? What's up? Fucking house is hot as shit Goddamn AC. I don't know what's going on with it. I really got to stop doing this

I got to stop trashing my house because someday, you know, maybe I'll sell it You know and no matter how many photos I put up that makes it look like it's all shiny and new come aboard We want to sell it to you It's my shit home They added the bottom floor in the 50s my shit home Are you into dry rot wood? Because that's what I have behind all the plaster you see. Sorry Now we're actually turning the fucking corner

Downstairs, they've roughed it up and they are ready to now put the final touches On a downstairs that should have been built like this to begin with You know what my downstairs basically is because this originally was a one-floor house It's like an expansive expansion franchise My downstairs when I bought this house unbeknownst to me was the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 1977 okay, and Sam that Sam Huff Gary Huff Gary Gary Huff, I think that's the name of the original Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback

That of that team that went on 14 he designed the downstairs All right, he designed the fucking downstairs. So anyways, everything has been corrected Everything has been aligned Everything is square. Everything is true learning all these construction words All right That and hey, I don't know if you saw the last invoice, but we're still waiting for payment. That's another big construction term You know it kills me those motherfuckers they somehow they put a flat on what I'm on my my bicycle

It's not my bicycle. It's the one I bought for Nia and she never used it You know so I actually ride it now. I ride it through the canyons No, every once in a while take it out for a spin and I should have known because the front tire needed a little bit of air, but the back one was just done And I pumped them back up and everything was good. I listened. I didn't hear any Sound so I thought I was fucking fine and then went down there and the things You know just one of the added costs and I gotta tell you if I was a cunt not saying I'm not but if I was like a

Motivated if I was trying to make all-american in the cunt category. I would actually Take the the whatever is gonna cost me to have somebody put a new fucking inner tube in it If it was the front tire, I'd do it myself, but it's a back tire and You know old freckles doesn't have time for that shit. I could go on YouTube sure I could do it how to change back tire and Move all of that shit out of the way and I could get all fucking greasy And then have to go down to home depot and buy that fucking that that that salve that cuts through the grease And I'd be down there for nine hours, you know and afterwards. Yeah, I'd feel like a man

you know or I could just drop it off and have somebody fucking do it and I Could sit here and eat a pizza No, not a pizza. Not a pizza. I gotta have a salad. I gotta turn this shit around a Couple weeks ago. I don't know what happened like two and a half weeks ago I had whatever the meal was That sent me back down the road eating bad

I've been eating bad for two weeks and the other day I walked by the mirror and I knew I'd put on a few and I just I just was so fucking disgusted with myself You know and fuck all you assholes out there that say that fat shaming doesn't work You know It doesn't work. It's it's what it really is is no you're fat and you don't want to hear it That's what it is Whenever I say shit about fat people. It's not a negative way All right, I'm trying to motivate you. That's how I motivate myself

I walk by the mirror and I look at myself and I go you fucking piece of shit really all that fucking work we did All those months of work All those pull-ups all those push-ups all those fucking hikes and what did you do? What did you do? You gave it all away in a week? That's what kills me About when you're at my age is I can lid I can negate three months of being at the gym In four meals not four meals, but like in a week In a week could just be in an asshole

Everything that I gained I can just fucking lose it's the it's the absolute worst So then if you don't know how to diet What you do is then you start lifting weights and that type of shit and you keep eating bad And all you're doing is you're putting these pecs and biceps on top of the big belly, right roll out the barrel We'll have a barrel of fun, right? And you just become that guy That guy who just keeps lifting weights and keeps eating shit food And all you're trying to do is keep your man pecs Just a little bit out in front of your fucking stomach. And then what do you do? You start pushing down the fucking pants

Your belt lines fucking digging into your pubes. So dude. I'm still a fucking 32 inch waist same Same jeans size I had in high school And you just keep pushing it down and pushing until the point It looks like somebody yanked your belt and all the fat went Up to yeah, literally just like that. It was a bad sound effect But you know what I'm saying all the way up into your gut and then it ran into your fucking man pecs that held it down And it's just fucking sitting there Crot caught between a rock in a hard place

That'd be a pecs in your dick there Sorry, um So I'm trying to avoid that. That's the hardest fucking thing is to lose weight and not lose muscle You know and fuck all you guys who are going to come at me with your gnc chemicals All right and talking about protein the size of your hand. I've heard all of it I've heard all of it. All right, but what are you supposed to do when that fucking red neck comes on tv and says I got big news They've now put bacon and and and fucking cheese in the crust Whatever the fuck. He said I actually retweeted the quote. Why don't I look it up?

This is how fucked up it is right and this guy's just sitting there. I got big news I got big news people You know people who maybe are in between jobs and can't afford quality food And rather than encouraging you go out and get an apple or a banana. You know what I'm gonna say I'm gonna I'm gonna where the fuck is the thing? I'm gonna find my tweet here. I gotta find my fucking twitter Ah Jesus what the fuck is I apologize, you know

All right, I have big news bacon and cheese have been stuffed into a crust That's what this guy says is he sits in his fuck Do you think that fucking cunt is eating it? Maybe he's eating a little bit of it He is from the south and I'll tell you he don't know no better I'll tell you what The only thing better than that greasy italian food is if you shove a little bacon and grease in the crust There you go. Do you like that joke? I attacked two fucking people Actually, I really was just making fun of southerners

right I don't know anyways and he's just sitting there collecting the money basically sitting in the guard tower Is all of us fucking march into fucking eat that poison? How do you do that in good conscience? How can you sit there as a country singer? All right, all about your family values and supporting the troops and denying global warming How can you sit there? Cross your fucking wrangler jeans with your shit kicking boots on and say to america. I have big news Bacon and cheese have been stuffed into a crust

You motherfucker You know it was stuffed into a duffel bag a bunch of fucking cash for you to go out and buy some old sco bandit Right and go get a replica of the fucking Duke's a hazard car while everybody else goes in and they add to their fucking man tits. How dare you? You already quit on your fucking music career The second you got in that lazy boy where you spin around and face the crowd Then you come back around and tell somebody from a from a warehouse that they got a shot whatever fucking whatever that show is You know what's funny is back in the day whenever you did shows like that you never made it now people actually make it

You know, do you remember a long time ago on mtv? They had making the band Nobody ever made it Nobody ever fucking made it. That's why I never went on last comic standing I never went on that because that's all I thought about was mtv making the band everybody who went on making the band never made it I was thinking, you know nirvana wasn't on making the band They didn't do a show like that did did You know good Cinderella go on making the band. I don't think they did

You know went on the band or who went on that fucking the real world. Do they still do that show? We put seven fucking people in the house and we're gonna show you what happens I love how they like that's a A point of pride with mtv This is where it all started Oh, you mean that shit tv where you take regular people and exploit them and them screaming at each other Oh bill get off your fucking eye horse. You watch it. Just like the rest of us. All right. You're right You're right. I do

And then have I told you I started watching that fucking arm wrestling show Battle of arms or whatever it is. That's the funniest shit. I've ever seen him I these guys are fucking out of their minds Getting each other's faces right before the arm wrestle. What are you god screaming at each other fucking slamming the table around I love that show these fucking guys would rip your goddamn arm off Um, I don't know what their deal is some of them are actually like they can't help being like that And then there's other ones that are fucking terrified. I don't know what it is They had a bad father and now they're gonna try to become like as close as they can to a goddamn superhero

So they they got a Every pull up they got a scream Right Shouting the fear out of them Whatever good for them, you know, god bless them. In other words, I don't have anything else to say about that topic So whenever I don't I just yeah, you know what god bless them God bless those sons of bitches. My arms all swole up I didn't know that that happened

That when you arm wrestled to that point that one of your arms just blew up like a balloon I remember back in the day when you were out in the back Yad and a mosquito got on you and if you flexed your muscle really quick They couldn't release and you'd blow them up with your own blood. Do you remember doing that shit? Well, I do I remember because I came up before the internet. Why isn't my fucking ac cooling off this room? Can you hear it? Can you hear it humming in the background? Oh, it's trying That ac is trying just like I'm trying right now. I'm trying to entertain you fucks for another goddamn hour On another fucking monday, right?

There it is people Congratulations, you lived another week starting all over again What are you doing right now? Huh? You're sitting in your fucking car. You're in traffic You're behind that douchebag who for some reason leaves two and a half car lengths between him and the other car On a flat surface on a dry road for whatever reason that he's doing that and yet another person is cut into your lane It's your lane And you're sitting there gripping the steering wheel going, you know what? In a perfect fucking world

Perfect fucking world. I would punch through his side window like the terminator I would pull him out by his fucking throat lift him high into the air I would choke the life just almost to an inch of his life leave him by the side of the road and then get in his car Mine the only one thinks shit like that. I don't think I am. I think it's a very normal thought um anyways, this is the monday morning podcast and It's football sunday right now. It's actually 118. I just watched the new england patriots

um somehow after that first horrific drive They finished off the uh, minnesota vikings. I gotta tell you man. I love seeing the vikings playing outside again Reminding me a way back in the day with fran tarkington jim paul kraus chuck foreman Remember that ellen page carl ellar You know all these guys as i'm saying them i'm picturing football cards stew voight or some shit. Who's that fucking ron yari? Maybe he was in the 80s

When they had tony crema tommy tommy crema um He played indoors they they I when I started watching football the vikings still still played outside I think for like one or two seasons. It was the late 70s. I I think it was just the last season or I might have been I was just watching those nfl films all the time. So I think I remembered it. I have no idea Oh, fuck

The seahawks and chadges are playing. Hang on. I gotta hit pause. I gotta I gotta record this game. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on Okay, I'm back. I'm back. Sorry. I had to make sure I recorded that game. I want to watch that game, uh You know, that's one of those games. I gotta tell you, you know, it could go either way The seattle seahawks have looked very impressive early this year in the national football league season of 2014 But you got to remember this is a division rivalry Even though they're not in the same division. They've played each other for years. They know what each other does It's really going to come down to who's going to strap it on What did they mean by that strap it on?

You got to strap it on look that other guy in the eye And you got to play some smash mouth football That's what they need to do The san diego charges for years have been trying to get over the hump They they have they've created a culture where they they get to the big game But they just cannot seem to get to the big dance Sorry, um, you know, it's funny is I make fun of it and the only way I know Everything that they say is because I watch it all the time and I can't stop fucking watching it

I can't stop fucking watching, you know um, anyways Plowing ahead here Let's get back to the fucking What did I want to talk about this week? Let's just get out of football because I know there's a lot of people that don't like football Not that I give a fuck, but I you know, I don't want to I don't want to bore you 100% so, uh, what are you doing this week? You know what I'm doing coming up on uh

Coming up on oh wait, wait, wait scatterbrained scatterbrained hit the brakes Um, I want to let you guys know on twitter. I announced that my uh, my long awaited Carnegie Hall recording I did a show there on november 11th 2011 and the album is finally coming out. I did it on third man records jack whites label in nashville, Tennessee and this was the thing. Um you know, I was Doing a show at Carnegie Hall and I was getting ready to do a special Videoing shooting whatever a special

At Carnegie Hall would have cost me nine million dollars. Why because they're Carnegie Hall And they know everybody wants to record there. So they charge you 10 million times what the fuck they should be charging So it's Carnegie Hall. I don't know if I'm ever going to be back. It's like I got to record this I got a document that I'm going to be there, right? So I did They charge me 10 15,000 times what the fuck they should have charged But I didn't give a shit because it was Carnegie Hall. Lo and behold. They were right. So Uh three months later. I recorded uh You people are all the same

And then about like a year later. I finally got the tapes. That's how slow things move um, I could have got access into the white house quicker than I got the tapes from my uh My show there and and it was one of the deals with just the overlap Because it was like three four months between that recording and my next special That it was basically, I don't know 80 85 75 percent the same shit I you know, I tell it differently every night, but it's the same shit. So I want to fucking put it out there that I've been there I don't want to fuck people over by you know

Acting actually acting like this isn't this is new material. It isn't It's just this performance of that material So, uh, I decided that I was putting it out on vinyl only And uh that way it's you know, even though it's the same thing. It's like a different sort of I don't know. I think albums are cool And I know everybody for some reason equates them to hipsters, which I guess is fair But to be honest with you guys, I'm 46 years old. I grew up when you know, I remember when cassette tapes came out um

you know All of my shit when I first got it was on vinyl. I don't think it sounds better. I can't tell if it sounds better I have no fucking idea. What I do like is I like I liked albums At first I liked the cassettes where it was all small and that type of shit Oh, this is great. I can take it in the car and all that type of thing then after a while I went back to the vinyl going oh, this is much fucking cool. You get all these extra pictures You know, it was a fucking event. I liked it. I liked it. So whatever. So some people giving me shit for doing it I don't give a fuck

The fact that it's on vinyl I just look at is if you actually buy this fucking thing, you can't give me shit. It's that it's the the pretty much the same thing It's just I've told you from day one. Okay, so I don't want to fucking hear it Even though i'm still gonna hear it and all you guys with your dumb jokes. Oh, what do you put your next special out on beta max? Snort snort laughing my ass off. I don't give a fuck. Um It's really cool. And uh, so let me tell you a little bit about the album. If you look at the cover of the album, you'll see all, uh Billy red face standing on stage grinning ear to ear, but there's not a soul in the place. Um, because we could not shoot

During the show those were the rules union house carnegie hall go fuck yourself with carnegie hall So I had to take the photo then All right, and uh, my photographer was allowed to be I don't know There was a little hole in the wall. He was able to stick the camera through and take pictures. It was fucking insane It was insane and uh, the name of the album is called uh live at andrew's house and um

And that was just another thing where I wanted to say live at carnegie hall But that was going to be like, you know, it was just going to be another thing but we have to get that approved You know, oh you got to approve that. I was I mean I was there. I I paid the money to rent out the thing. You know, you saw the show. You didn't have problem I always still have to send it up Send it up the flagpole. Blah blah blah blah, and I just said fuck it. Fuck it. I won't I don't need to say that. I'll just say live at andrew's house There you go. Andrew carnegie

All right, there you go. So there you go. There's a little history there. Okay All right. Okay, so that's going to be available. I think on september 30th um, the pre-ordering is like Oh, Jesus, but why don't you go? Why don't you just get the fucking information before you start talking about it? You dumb fuck Um, let me see here. Let me see here. Where is it? Mcgravy Ladondo Mcgravy. No, he's not damn German cars are the best German cars go to the next level By the way, I'm back into that Mercedes Benz. Uh

That Mercedes Benz fucking station wagon. I just think that's the coolest thing. All right um Is this it here? Okay presale is on september 16th, which is tomorrow if you're listening to it Uh On monday, you know if you listen to it at the right time if you're not it's probably already out That's the presale is 916 and it's on sale on 9 30 full details full details. Excuse me hiccups Are at thirdman records.com. Um, I hope you guys like it I've already given a couple copies of people and they say it's awesome, but they're also friends of mine, so

I imagine you cunts will be a little more honest Don't it fucking sucked um, all right back to the uh to the podcast so this week after the ray rice scandal now you got adrian peterson and um I got to admit I was absolutely shocked

by that fucking story Um, I know that you know, that's something that has gone on for a long fucking time Parents beating their children like that. I just For some reason I just didn't think you know with all This dr. Phil shit all this Pop psychology shit that's out there how you could hit a kid with a switch that's four years old to the point that he's uh Uh

bruised and bleeding is just fucking beyond My uh comprehension that's just fucking nuts I think that that really fucks obviously really fucks people up when you when you when you do shit like that, um To that level not saying I didn't get hit as a kid, but two things one. It wasn't a switch. It was a paddle And two I fucking deserved it I never felt After getting hit with the paddle that I never felt Um

That it was wrong the no, what is the what am I what's the word I'm searching for? I never felt that I didn't uh didn't do something to deserve it I hated it because it hurt But I never felt that it was um Like it was um, I don't know Like all I did was this and then you did that the only time I ever felt it was fucking wrong Was one time my brother said that I kicked my other brother in the face and it was bullshit. I kicked him in the stomach I used to do a bit about that and it was that which was considered working it out amongst yourselves

And uh, you know the face was a no no in my house was weird. You could punch in the side of the head if you bruised within the hair You know the parents wouldn't see it And you'd be all right, but if you hit in the face then you know then you had a big problem and um Yeah, my mother was brushing her hair at the time She turned around she went to whack me over the head with a brush and I ducked and she caught me right between the shoulder blades and the brush was like this hard plastic and it kind of exploded and um

Then my mother picked up the brush part the rubber part with the thing sticking out and for I think another 10 years I she brushed her hair just holding onto that Rather than the whole with the handle and all that like that's how um I don't know my parents their parents grew up in a depression So they just had that instilled in them that you know if the brush breaks into a million pieces you still salvage it It still works. You just hold it this way, you know, which hey, you know, maybe that's a smarter thing to do

I have no idea but anyways taking it to that level So I actually was reading about that and then that reminded me of the story now This comes with a warning because you probably shouldn't watch this video But I reminded me of a which I thought was like seven eight years ago. Turns out it was 20 years ago I remember that kid was like Michael Fay or something like that was that uh He was a 19 year old kid. He was over in Singapore And he was accused of uh vandalizing some property or some shit and the punishment What part of the punishment was he was going to get caned

And you know, nobody over here had heard of it for the most part unless you'd traveled And it was basically they hit you with this fucking stick And um You know, they hit you hit you hard enough that after a couple of hits like basically like they said pieces of flesh are coming off your fucking Ass in the back of your legs and stuff and everybody thought it was fucking horrific. He was supposed to get six hits and we were allowed to Well, we made enough of a stink that they went down to four hits

And so I looked that up and then there was a link to a video that showed somebody getting caned and I got to tell you Don't watch it Don't watch it. I watched it. It's like a four and a half minute video dude And i'm telling you Because what happened with that Michael Fay kid is like the day after something he was sitting down. So everybody's like, oh, that wasn't that bad That kid is a tough kid He's not like a 40 year old man, but I gotta tell you something. I watched this video Dude, it's just

You go out there, right? Naked is a jaybird whatever the fuck that means and then they put you in this thing That's almost like, uh, it's like what they I don't know. It's you're basically I don't know like if you had like a two wheel dolly You remember how they wheeled Hannibal Lecter out? Imagine they wheeled him out except he was facing the other way All right, but there's no wheels on this thing and you walk and you stand on that thing Then you hang onto these two fucking handles and two people on either side hold onto your arms

And then they put this thing over you where there's basically I guess it's to protect your lower back and the back of your legs You know so they don't hit that part and then just your ass is poking through this fucking hole It's like a glory hole except it's your ass um And then this fucking dude Singaporean dude Filipino dude, whatever you call him He lines up ready to hit you and he waits for some fucking guy off camera to be like Right and this fucking guy is just like in that classic asian like

Martial arts. I can't even describe it crouching tiger hitting dragon like I am I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna show the west What fucking torque is really capable of I can't even do it. It looked like he was getting ready to do some dance He was fuck. I'm literally trying. I'm acting it out right. I'm standing up, right Basically, he's stand up. He's turned sideways like he's gonna hit a fucking golf ball then he fucking bends his back leg So his right leg his other his front leg is straight and his fucking arm Is all the way up like this guy and he's ready to just fuck and he just and the guy goes

And this guy just goes fucking And the dude Right by the second one and then they fucking wait like 30 seconds Is just sitting there and this fucking guy is standing there He's supposed to hold the the fucking I'ma said switch that came a different way and he's standing there And then some guy mumbles some shit Right and then the fucking guy goes back into that that that pre-stance

He looks like a fucking Marvel comic like action hero, right? And then the guy goes hey and the fucking guy goes Hits him again the guy goes like like by the second one You sound like a puppy getting kicked All right, and I swear to god the camera because I think they were trying to show How abusive it is then zoomed in on this dude's ass And he's got like fucking two lines

Now I think by the second hit it was getting raw And both of his butt cheeks were like fucking quivering like anticipation dude. This was like a four and a half fucking I lost count I think they hit him like five fucking times But uh, literally by the fourth time the guy started to like crumple dude. It was fucking brutal I don't even know why i'm telling i'm just saying this is like classic internet thing like I went on nfl nfl.com And then next thing you know i'm watching somebody get caned in singapore

And that's what's great about the internet is it just it breaks down boundaries. It brings people closer I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what the point of all of that was um Listen, I told you what happened you can watch it if you want to watch it I'm not putting the link up because I never I never watched shit like that And I don't know why I did It's just like one of those things because it didn't seem like it was going to be that bad and you start going Dude, could I take that?

Could I sit there and for and for the for america not cry out? You know You just got to get the first one in to understand the level It's the scape. I would think that that would be no if you got the first one and then then that's psychologically like Fuck I got like three this fucker. I'm gonna tell you what the u.s. Government did for that michael fey dude that they They got rid of the last two I mean Jesus fucking crying like the way I've described it now There's no way you're not gonna watch it, but I'm not putting the fucking link up but Jesus

There's no how many you think you could take Do you know the other kid that got arrested with them? I'm literally talking about a fucking news story from 20 years ago The other kid was lined up for 12 of those hits and they knocked his down to 10 dude. You're fucking unconscious by eight There's just no way you're either unconscious or you can't even feel your ass anymore your ass Fucking voice cracking um

Yeah, dude, that's uh, that's surprising that that is uh, I don't know. Is it really surprising? All the shit that's going on That's why I don't watch the fucking news. I don't I have no idea anything that's really going on I have to get better at it, especially now that i'm building an hour um I gotta start watching it, but like I've never been one of those people that could watch like Execution videos and fucking all like people who sit down and they watch those guys getting beheaded over there It's that does something to you to sit down and watch that

um I don't know. You know, it's funny right now is The reason why I wish I didn't watch that video I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen if you watch that fucking video That dude's quivering ass is gonna be burned into your fucking brain for like three days Because now that's just what i'm thinking right now. I'm trying to go on to the next subject Do you understand this and there's a man's quivering ass? It's in my no disrespect to that guy this guy took it like a fucking champ

Jesus fucking christ You know what's the if you saw the way this guy was swinging this cane like they go to school for it maximum fucking Velocity torque whatever the fuck you're gonna call it all of that shit It's like they must have measured it out Jesus Christ, you know, you always hear about singapore too how fucking clean I'm actually afraid to go over there Because that's one of those things like if you spit gum out on the street

You know, that's considered that's a crime The next thing you know, you're fucking bare ass Sitting there with a quiver or an ass is some guy's going Fuck that Fuck that not saying they're bad people. I'm just saying I I can't live up to those standards I'm gonna do something Stubbed my toe and then curse in public I'm gonna that's what I would do I'd be screaming like a bitch

My pasty quivering ass. Isn't that what you wanted to think about on a monday morning? Sorry, how's your danish? um Anyways, um Jesus christ, I bet that that guy has fucking that guy who got cain or anybody who gets cain Anytime somebody old bends over to tie their shoes and they get a pain in their back and they go They like their ass starts just fucking tenses up like they're gonna get fucking hit Um, we got it bill. We got it. They hit people with wood in singapore. There you go. You learned something

Um, all right, let's get on. Uh, let's get on to something else here As always people if you want to donate to the podcast the best way to do it is to not have to give me any money Well, dude, how do I do that simple next time you're gonna buy something on amazon.com? Just go to bill bird.com first click on the podcast page and then click on the amazon link It'll take you right to amazon doesn't cost you any extra money But if you come from my website, they kick me a few bucks. There you go You kick me a few bucks and then I throw it into the basement Well, sorry

um Anyways continuing on um So I don't know if I mentioned this to you. Um you know when we Aren't at the house, you know, I can't bring my awesome dog with me everywhere I go So, uh, but I also didn't want to stick her in a little fucking kennel thing But she gets freaked out if she's in the house by herself because somebody left her by a river

So she does not like to be alone But uh, the dog trainers say but if you put them in like a small sort of container They don't feel overwhelmed by the space. They just curl up and go to sleep. Well, that's not my dog My dog then tries to fucking break out of it And it does and then it's upstairs and it's sitting there wagging its tail And you know, it chipped a tooth or it's got a cut on its face and it fucking kills me So, um, what I did was I had this guy I met this guy and he made these giant what looked like a fucking lions cage

And it was all this fucking rebar. So it was this bigger place where she could ever bed in a place for a food You know, it's like a studio apartment as opposed to a little case. So I fucking put her used to put her in that And it was all good. She tried to get out of it a little bit Then she realized that I that I couldn't at least I thought that that was the case and um She fucking broke up She fucking she found the weakest bar because it wasn't attached on both sides. It was only attached Just the way it was attached

I don't know how it figured it out But it just used all of its body weight and it made both welds fail And then it took that bar and buried it under its bed and then squeezed itself at some point I used to do a bit on this thing too another one at some point It did a pull-up or it had to do a pull-up and then a dip and got out the top of the fucking cage So it then took this cage that I spent 700 bucks on and just rendered the whole fucking thing useless So now I just take her everywhere I go And uh, because eventually I was gonna have that thing welded back on

And uh, I don't know what happened. I just started looking up for welders. I started looking at welding I got into this shit. I think it's a school a cool, uh skill to learn So I'm gonna take a six hour do-it-yourself fucking welding thing And I'm gonna fucking weld that thing back on myself. I'm gonna give it a shot I know what all you guys are thinking dude. You're gonna burn your fucking house down. There's no Fucking way as dumb as I am Okay, give me a little credit. There's no fucking way. I would weld anything near my house

Okay, I'll pay the guys down at the shop to let me do it at their shop under their supervision Okay, before you call me a moron and before you predict all this fucking disaster. I'm not saying I'm not gonna burn something down It just won't be mine All right, that's the deal I think learning how to I'm learning to weld I think learning how to weld is a really fucking cool ass skill It really is and uh, I'll show you a link to uh, the best video Of it that I found unless I got rid of it. Please tell me I didn't get rid of it. This guy was awesome

He was totally clear. He had a fucking mustache Oh, Jesus christ you motherfucker bill. You're the worst You're just the fucking worst. I will find it I will find it and I'll I'll give you the fucking link and if I don't just remind me how's that does that work for you? Well, I don't give a shit. Oh my god 37 minutes and I haven't even holy shit. We haven't done any advertising yet um, all right Let's let's get on with it here. All right draft kings everybody dude. I called it I said these guys were gonna be huge

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Um, yeah, I think it's time for questions. You know what? Jay lawhead is actually here. He's over my house right now. I think he's watching seattle fucking charges We're gonna bring him in here to the podcast after these Not a message. I just gave you messages. I'm gonna bring him in here through the wonderful world of hitting pause All right, we're back through the wonderful world the magic of hitting the pause button We're now here with rose bowl tailgate legend and gourmet chef Of the outdoor backyard festivities of the rose bowl the granddaddy of them all jason lawhead everybody Honelly from the law heads court and some paint. Um, how's it? How's it looking in there? It's good, man

San Diego's uh, they got their number seattle actually got a touchdown On literally the worst call in the history of the NFL because these chairs are really squeaky by the way. Sorry But what was the call? You know, they review every touchdown if you score a touchdown they review it now They have a new system in new york city where they watch every single bit of film prissy harbors stepped out on like the 36 They they didn't even review it They didn't review the score they put it on the board and then they go to mike peria afterwards and like oh, yeah He stepped out of bounds. They should have it like that's the you know the automatic review of it

So who got fucked san diego? Yeah, dude. Can I ask you a question? What did san diego do? I know right because I know I know cleveland, you know, you guys go obviously you've been through a bunch of But there's something like san diego is always right there Seven pro bowlers every year and then somehow like there's always either a call or they shoot themselves in the final one year They had us beat they had us beat in a playoff game They stopped us on fourth down to get the ball to end the game They took an unnecessary roughness call gave us a first down And then we were able to kick a field goal to some bullshit

And I was just like why why would you do that? And then there was like that three or four years ago when they had that fumble denver when they reviewed it and they were like Yeah, it was a fumble san diego recovered, but we're giving it to denver I used to do a whole bit on it when I was living in san diego about north turner at a press conference How I would have reacted. I mean they literally the the ref went. Yeah San diego recovered it, but there was a whistle blown So we're giving it back to denver two plays later denver scores kept san diego out of the playoffs that year No, it's it's it's a special. I don't know. They did something down there that that they're getting that level of karma

I don't know. We went to that game a long time ago. Did not have a good time Did not did not play off game against the titans and uh, we've talked about this I think on the last podcast with the jersey coming off in the fight. Yeah Merriman jersey we gotta have uh, we gotta have uh, the weather's starting to turn into that We gotta have a preseason tailgate, you know to get us ready for the rose ball I mean, we got to have something you want to go to a usc game by the way Oh, because I haven't been to the practice. That's a good practice. We'll go to usc game. But can you tailgate down there? Yeah, you can actually there's uh, it's not as convenient. I'll go to ucla's higher ranked

Really dude fucking bc beat you at usc uc is gonna be out of the uh top 25 ucla's 12th in a country So I we should I saw them when I should go to ucla game. I know but you know, it's a I mean the super bowl one and two were played It's fucking goddamn Half-hour ride down the street and it's just like I I only went there one time. I saw them play, uh, usc play Uh, washington huskies in like 96. It's the last time I've been there. Yeah, I went in uh, Seven we went there. We had a two-year contract with them and they just waxed us That's a year. They won a national title. Who's we are house day? We went there with beanie wells But he didn't play first game of the season well

Beanie wells didn't play the first game of the season and we got worked over and uh, it was the only loss We had all year. We went 12 and one that year. It was a first second game of the season at usc That's the only time I've ever been to the coliseum. All right. Well, I gotta get I gotta get you can tailgate There's good tailgates going on down at the coliseum. They got a lot of room down there by campus. It's fun. I just get spoiled Yeah, you you cla I wouldn't saw Andrew luck there. I went so Andrew luck there. I won. How did I? I saw Andrew luck the his senior year there. How did I not remember that? I wouldn't even took a little video I went down and did a little Nice luck luck video. Like what do you what's the luckiest thing ever happened to you? I gotta show that to you

Go to lawhead's court, uh, you know youtube page and you can find that All right. Well fresh off the uh, the the highly successful all-in tour the first leg of it We're hoping to put together a second leg of it. Uh, we got the questions for this week Um, let's see what we got here. It says, uh, what's new billy bonanza I live in Toronto and was able to see black and white. It got me thinking. Why don't you have a tv show? Surely the hollywood system seems the sees the value in your song and dance Get off your lazy ass and come into my living room for 20 10 weeks out of the year. Love you and love nia Like I mean, how do you answer that? He would have been smart if he would have

If he would have wrote lazy ass like you say Yes, or ladies that say that would have been a little bit of flavor. He could have Yeah, but yeah, there's no r in there. Yeah, that's true. But ladies don't have an r No, that's Jerry loose That's what I'm doing. I know you are but you know, you throw out different references of this You stretch the words on different ones. Oh, all right. Well, maybe he wrote it that way It was my read all I know is look you saw the movie black and white. You know what I love? I love that. I'm in a fucking movie and that's not enough for you

That wasn't enough for you I gotta have a fucking tv show too And then you what you do is you'll bitch that my comedy isn't as good because I'm gonna be spending all my fucking time Doing that shit pretending to be a fucking police officer or whatever the hell thing I would have Listen, I gotta tell you something. Uh, I do have some shit in works, but uh, you know, sometimes a lot, you know It's a blessing to not have a tv show It's a blessing to in this business go on other people's shows because they deal with all the responsibilities The writing the conference calls all of that shit is uh

What I have time to learn how to weld ask yourself this what I have time to learn how to weld if I had my own tv show I can tell you right now The answer is no and a lot of you cunts out there would be like Yeah, but you'd have the fucking money to tell somebody else to do it. Well, you know what? I don't live my life that way I don't I'd like to learn how to do it Yeah, would you be like a three academy award winners in this movie? Yeah, what am I doing? Why would you go back? Why would you go do tv movies are great? You do it? It's it's we have you from this date to this date and then it's done

Right those other people like who those people on one-hour dramas are shooting a movie that never ends right and I get And it's a constant you're a constant critic like you get the one-time critic if it's a good movie It's a bad movie. It's been different whatever that criticism comes in that one stretch the tv show is constant criticism over a week How how hard they I don't want to work that hard. Yeah, I did an episode of new girl I had a great fucking time, but it was 14 hour days And they had been I did it in february. It's a half hour show they were doing 14 hour days and they had been going since august it's just like I thought I worked hard and then I did an episode of that show. It's like dude

I am a bum and I love it that was breaking bad coming back for sure They say breaking but no better call sol is coming back. Okay. Yeah, it's coming back You got any word on that you're doing any of those Uh, I have no idea. I mean if I did I couldn't say that I was but but to be honest with you. I haven't heard anything. No I haven't heard anything. Okay, it's over um All right, uh silverman props Good day, sir

Good day. Good sir. Sorry. I saw your name in the end credits Uh slash thank you of sarah silverman's latest comedy special special and was curious if you had anything special to do with the show Love your comedy and hope it never ends. Very very good. This guy from germany Lars germany Uh, once I noticed your name in the end of the credits You know those german guys they they thought they're but they they read all the way through to you know They read all the way through because just in case there's any like that's why they can make a station wagon That goes zero to 60 in fucking three and a half seconds any hidden messages in there. They're looking for um

Yeah, the uh that opening bit that she did was she threw the the ball against the wall Um, I was down the comedy store like a week before she did uh her stand-up special And she was throwing a tennis ball against the wall or whatever and And somehow we talked to her special. I was like, you know, that could be cool If you're just sitting there throwing the ball against the wall, blah blah. Maybe that's why she did it Maybe she just thinks i'm a swell guy. I have no idea. I should have waited till she told that probably for the search engine optimization That's probably what she did. What is that? No, you know, like we know you tag like things like bill burr anything popular If you like to put anything on we're like bill burr comma

You know the all-in tour so when people are searching things like bill burr hurt thing my car. Oh, okay It was uh, you kids you kids with the fucking internet seo. They call it search engine optimization. All right morbid obesity Uh, dear badass billy burr. I guess i'm supposed to give you a nickname. Yeah, we're running out here people You guys don't have to do that. All right, my brother's been dating a morbidly obese girl for two years now My parents are disgusted by this. Oh, Jesus. This is brutal. This is brutal already My mother actually cried when she first met her. Jesus christ, dude, and I get shit for fat shaming Look at her She can't even sit in the house. I thought I raised you better

Oh, yeah, sit on that break that Holy shit, dude, that's fucking brutal more importantly her health is clearly in great danger at her weight Um, it's likely she doesn't get to 40. My brother's 120 pounds She's at least twice his weight I'd even say near 300 pounds. What's a good way to convey the fact that if no one steps in With the harsh reality, she's gonna have a short life. Also, she routinely stumbles out of a cheesecake factory Um Oh, Jesus christ, dude, that's fucking brutal. Well, first of all, I feel bad for her

I hope she loses the weight because I get shit on this podcast Jay because I make fun of fat people the way I make fun of a lot of shit everything And everybody thinks that like uh, you know, they don't think that but they say that I've been joking saying fat shaming works because I do it to myself and all of that type of crap Look at me, right? I fat shamed myself at the beginning of the year because I saw a picture of us at the Rose Bowl And I was like, hey, yeah, you just go look at my fucking head. I mean, I don't know why I just don't get how more people don't shame themselves into like shame in themselves into getting Well, dude, you at one point you at one point were pushing 200 pounds

And you went to the doctor and the guy said that 30 pounds overweight Yeah, he was like technically I could write you into or obese as long as living in san diego And I was just like still had a real job and was doing comedy coming up and you know, I had health insurance So he was like, listen, I I with the job and he's like I could technically Tech with your height with your weight you could be obese But I'm not gonna write that in because it could affect your insurance You know, yeah, right? So he goes just get what do you do? And I told I was that's when I was drinking a lot of soda

I mean tons of it, right? And that's what if there's people out there. I'm telling you Drop that if you're you know what, you know why she's waddling out of a She's a factory because she had three freaking sodas on top of whatever else she had I bet and the diet's the worst He said my doctor looked at me and said the word diet is the biggest Travesty that the food and drug administration allows because it doesn't mean anything Anything's a diet if you eat a cow, that's your diet I mean a diet coke just doesn't mean it that it's any better for you. It ain't gonna make you it ain't gonna make you lose weight It's gonna make you gain weight

So that's the one thing that you cut out soda or pop. Is you guys call it pop? I got off pop I was drinking like he was like, jeez. How many are you drinking? I was like I was on a diet Dr. Pepper's man. I was knocking back like three four a day and then when I would go golf and I would knock down You know six of per nine. I'd have like, you know a classic cup I'd go through six seven eight ten diet diet Dr. Pepper's on a golf course. Jesus Christ Yeah, I just I thought I was refreshing myself, you know, and it's diet and it tastes good. I love that doctor man. I was like, okay, it's diet And then when I quit that march 10 march 1st 2010

I've only had like ginger ale and club soda I've never had like the high fructose and the colas and any of that sugary shit It's been and you took it all off and then so what so what I just put a bunch on uh like doing what over the fall Because it's just enjoying it, you know, and I mean like we were you know, we had a cooking a lot the holidays I had that holiday party at rose ball. I mean my birthday's on october 30th, right? So once my birthday hits This will be the first time halloween candy the next day halloween candy and it goes It doesn't stop because right in the thanksgiving and then before I know it I'm a week after new years and I'm 30 pounds heavier than I was

I love that you acknowledge halloween candy like you're still trick-or-treating. Oh, I mean my whole my whole childhood I was born the day before halloween is just a weekend apart and then when I turn old enough to drink This will be because I quit the drinking this year to for an experiment. This will be I'm gonna turn 42 in october 30th And this will be the first time I have not had alcohol on my birthday since I was 19 And I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it this year. I'm gonna just I'm gonna live I'm gonna walk I'm gonna walk through the day of my birthday and go wow Basically 23 years of straight party and because it's always been a party. It's been like To love's birthday and it's halloween. We can mix them together

There's been day. I don't even I was amazed though. I don't even remember most of my birthdays and the toys my friends If we were just it was a halloween weekend. I was dressed up and just I can just plowed. Uh, Jesus christ I mean Well, do you know what amazed me was you you you were on the wagon from rosebowl right up till we did the the Vegas I made though. Yeah, but you were you so you were like I'm drinking this weekend And I'm going right back to being on the wagon, which is what I said and you were able to do it. I haven't I haven't been able to do it. I just got you had a nice look But you had that part of the year for you was like you just finished the special

You know, you knew you were coming with black and white was coming out You had a lot of there was a lot of reasons for you just not to you've been good for I mean since you started that quit one year a couple years ago You've been you've been able to go and get nice little stretches in I haven't been able to I'm a very I'm a very sneaky player. Let me tell you something The longest I've gone without drinking on this last run was I think I had just had a real bad flu For like eight or nine days that I didn't drink and then this has been the longest of my life I mean, this has been since since I was a teenager. Yeah, you've drank like basically three days this whole year

Four days, right? Yeah, three days three days this whole year. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, that's awesome. I wish I I I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna have another drink. I think until the Rose Bowl. I think I got those fucking Miller highlights I just have like one a day. Yeah, but that's not you know, but you know what it is It's right after you have it right right after you have that first one Yeah, but the thing is if you just wait five minutes if you just drink a water if you force yourself to just grab a water or whatever Your body like stops craving it and you level out and you actually just had that one and you're able to do it but the The thing is with food and all of that shit for the longest time. I was like, it's not a drug

It's not drug. It is yeah, it is it's like whatever you just ate you want fucking if it's bad for you That's how you know it's bad for you because you just ate it now You want more which doesn't make any sense because we eat a salad you never think like oh, dude I want another salad you don't but later on If you're hungry you're thinking Salad vegetables, but you're not thinking like shit food But like if you eat I've just found if I like if I eat an apple or whatever I don't crave another apple if I eat a handful of chips cookies

alcohol Soda any of that shit that's bad salt to sugar you just like you fuck it's like you're fiending for it sugar I mean that's why people are fat They can't get off the sugar and when you can get off the sugar And you can take it out and the only sugar you get is the naturals like the fruits and the vegetable sugars the natural sugars Your body isn't looking at food like oh my god. I want that your body Tells you when it wants food so then what what does he tell this this he tells her to get off the sugar And it's going to take a month and salt and salt salt

But definitely sugar first get off the sugar because sugar you have to match it if you drink colas and if you eat lots of bread And pastas that's tons of sugar in there and your body has to match that it wants more sugar So if you drink a bunch of coke then it wants the sugar food All right, so when this woman walks in if you were in the house and you got a yellow like oh my gosh She's even fatter They're going to be in the background going hey get off the sugar Yeah, get off. I will get in her face and be like get off the sugar wipe it out of your thing Turn your hat around backwards

Put the whistle in my mom listen kick dirt over a cake That's hilarious. What the fuck are you looking at out there? That's fucking great. It's been all day with this shit That's hilarious. No, I mean that's that you came in here for one reason and what was that to eat all of our cake That's an or a weaver reference you came in here to fuck us Fuck us good and you got your chance again tomorrow. No, I didn't Earl. No, I didn't Yeah, you're dead. You'll get your chance again tomorrow I love when he says that that umpire was so great like what are you gonna do Earl lose another world series? I've won more than I've lost not world series is games. He goes games

All right, where are we going video? Uh Bill this video isn't mine, but I came across on youtube. I actually watched some it's the evolution of Walter white Um, somebody did like this great Like 15 minute video where they go from the very first episode and they just take like the key scenes I watched like a minute and a half of it before I was just getting chills. I'm like, all right I got one of the reasons why it's one of the great shows of all time um, all right two girls Dear bill

I'm just some kid in high school doesn't know jack all about dating but a week ago. I learned that a chick I knew But didn't like had put me on her phone as a wallpaper This apparently has been going on for a year and I just learned about it From one of her friends. I knew this chick liked me, but I couldn't stand her. This is weird He said I tried letting her down I tried being a dick to her Just to uh, why can't you just be honest? You know what? Because she's young I'm just like, listen, I know you really like me, but I'm not feeling that way about you. You say

What's up, bitch She just keeps acting like I am still All hers. Yeah, that would get annoying. I knew she was into me while I was still a freshman But it was near summer. So I thought she would just forget all about it um, and if that wasn't enough her friends That told me this uh, tried hitting on me When she told me what as if this wasn't enough her friend told me This tried hitting on me you dude you guys got a proof read this

You gotta let me tell you something if you're in high school, you're not gonna make it to college All right, hang on. Just keep talking like as I try to dissect this guy whatever he's butchering it Is this a guy that's talking about a girl with his phone? Be glad. Listen. Be happy. Listen. Be. Oh, I got it I got it. Yeah, there's no comment as if this wasn't enough her friend that told me this Tried hitting on me when she told me Oh, okay. Yeah, see there was no punctuation in there um Okay, so now the girl that tells you that this girl is obsessed with you then hits on you

Okay, first of all, I just learned some psycho had me on a wallpaper for a year and I didn't know So the last thing I wanted to think about is dating second What a bitch move on her friend's part hitting on a guy this guy's definitely the glass is half full, huh? What the fuck you got two women here? I know dude And it's have at it and it's like hitting on a guy her friend has been stalking Bill I'm ready to tell them to both go go fuck themselves. But what is your opinion on this? You ignore the first girl you bang the second one and then you get on with your life. What do you think jay? I think you uh, I think you you you play them into each other

I mean, I think that if these girls are friends together and the other girls hitting on you Right, I think you I think you I think you oh you're going for the three way. Oh, yeah, man I'm going for I'm going for the three way early. I'm I'm going to the whole get get together Let's do this as like a group and hang out you're going on side kick Play a little dumb on the whole play a little dumb on the whole I don't know really everything about the phone and I'm not the girl with the phone I'm not going to give up the fact that I this other one was kind of hitting on me I'm going to let this all come together and see where it goes a mad hatter. He's eating grass

Yeah, because you know why they're they're the ones you're they're bringing it to you. They're serving it to you on a platter I mean, they're literally you are you're the You're the reason why this whole Thing is developing so let it let these two kind of you know, just sit back relax All right, so email lawhead's court. He'll tell you how to tell you how to bring them in It's gonna be instrument landing here except my sleeve. Um, all right fat shaming goth daughter Uh, billy burrito. What a good way to fat shame What's a good way to fat shame a sense? Why am I becoming the fat shame person?

Yeah, I I don't want to make people feel bad about being fat. I mean, I'm joking around about this Shit, I want people to be in shape. So don't fucking hang this thing around me Uh, I'm not going to read that's two in one week. That'll be bad the next thing. You know, I got some group Yeah, you know, I know it's jokes, but it sets a precedent Just a bunch of people You know protesting in front of your they're not gonna they're not gonna because like that's another good reason not to have a Fucking tv show you just got people in scooters driving around No, but if you had a fucking tv show, then they actually give a shit about you

Because they can't fire you from stand-up or my podcast they can't think I guess they could take away the advertiser But I'd still do it. I don't give a fuck Advice on friends. Hey bill I'm a I'm a junior a junior in high school and I've got one group of really good friends like eight or nine people We are like the funny guys of our school always giving each other shit Well, there's one friend and he was an asshole for an entire summer to my other friends Who was a girl? That he liked a lot

There you go. That's that's american public schools right there There's one. Well, there's one for jay talk again. Tell these people. I mean, it's unbelievable. It's just uh friend, you know get Read a book I mean All these auto corrects and grammar checks on computer. I mean, how do you not get out the right email that you want with every Bit of technology that we have I just I'm stunned. Okay. I got it. I figured it out Thank you. Okay. So there's well as one friend and he was an asshole for an entire summer to my other friend

Who was a girl that he liked a lot? So this guy is friends with this girl And this other guy liked her a lot. He was being an asshole to her Okay, he started treating her like shit when she told him she didn't like him And while things were heated all summer and it was weird Uh, I was letting the girl know that he was saying What I was letting the girl know What he was saying and due to her

And now they are jay talk again. Just just talk to the people here. I was well I don't even know what he started out by saying we got I got nine buddies that are like the funny guys at a group I was more interested in that like I thought he was gonna go somewhere with like hey, we're doing the like I don't even know. I mean he's just now. He's just like He's got basically little down to three people what he was saying was this kid went over he ratted out the girl He's saying this and that to the other thing. He said now this asshole guy and this girl Who's a friend are like buddy buddy again? Because the other guy said that the dude writing this letter was lying and none of it was true

But of course she's gonna believe the other guy because she likes him this guy's gonna reel her right in Oh, no, she doesn't he likes her Wow, that's weird. So why the fuck would she believe that he basically got everyone against me and I don't know what to do This guy's a psycho Manipulating everyone he acts like he doesn't say anything and he acts overtly nice to me when he's around me Yeah, this guy's a psycho and it pisses me off He won't tell the truth to anyone So my question is should I even try to fight back against this and try to win back my few close friends

Or should I just tell them to go fuck themselves and try to make new friends? So you got ostracized by everybody Um Look who gives a fuck at this point if she doesn't believe you then fuck her Let this guy do whatever the hell he wants to do with her um It's gonna come back listen walk away Beat a bigger take the high road walk away like that like that gunfighter in the west walking away by himself And this guy the other guy will end up doing this to other people and he'll do it to her and then

You're right. I'll be like, dude, you know, whatever this guy's name is johnny is you know, man He's he's the real deal and you know what you don't need people like that in your life Do that early get used to that early getting those kind of people No, it is I'm telling you learn learn how to cut the weeds early, man I tell you what because as you get older You you don't want to get into those habits, man. It's just like it's like, you know Does it like abused women, man? They get into a habit and i'm not comparing it's a little bit But you know, you don't want to get into that habit of being

Walked on and and treated that way and just including yourself in a group of friends because You're like, oh, I don't know what else to do. How will I get new friends? That's actually no no And you got to cut the weeds you do dude. I did I took me to 40 to realize that and I in the last I'm just learning last five six years I cut out All the negative people in my life and the level of drama that just it was like a vacuum It just got sucked right out of the room and um recently I was around I was just doing some gig and I ended up just getting in like this social circle

Of just three or four people that were used to be like the kinds of people I used to fucking hang out with and uh, I immediately Sensed like negative energy, which I had never felt before because I was so used to it right I was like, I was one of those guys my whole fucking life. I was just like, you know When I fucking get out of this house, I'm gonna do blah blah and then you go out in the world Because that's all you know, you just recreate that whole fucking thing over again That's totally what I did and took me like 20 years to cut all of that shit out and uh There's also that that I'm very forgiving of psychos

I am a psycho, but I'm right because I was a temperamental maniac for so many years in my 20s and early 30s, you know The key is to be self-sufficient and just become a complete fucking loner. Yeah, that's what you do You go out like that fucking the hearse guy there. Look at the house he had Yeah, exactly But that's what that's true though You go out like a gunfighter man and you just walk like you know shame man You just go go out and ride out ride out on these people Let's fucking hilarious

I gotta read a couple of uh I gotta read a couple more advertising things that I want to hear your opinions on the first two weeks of uh Two and a half weeks because we're still in the middle of football sunday here. Oh, by the way, we got we got to talk about your Big day for me. I'm jacked up man. I think we might have a football team on our hands finally. All right dollar shave club everybody Uh, ever wonder why raises are so expensive big shave companies are charging you for ridiculous shave technologies that you don't even new Don't even need first vibrate vibrating handles then flashlights now Pivot ball flex heads. It's all crap. What are they going to put an mp3 player in there? They write jokes for me here enough is enough join the dollar shave club comm revolution for just a few bucks a month

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About why don't you do tv? We know why he doesn't do commercials. Yeah Isn't that the fucking truth that's a read there Yeah, that's that's some heavy duty. Uh I like that that is the dollar shave club though That's a good. I even though I have a beard and I grew that because I literally grew my beard four years ago because of the prices of razors. I mean, I'm like You know, you you got to go they there's two things that they lock up in the store. Did you know that? liquor and razors

You got to go get a guy with a key. Yeah, it's your razor. That's how and it's always been it's always been a complete ripoff I've never understood it and you know, it's funny. Are they drilling for these things are they offshore drill for the price of razors for what you get is is What I grew this beard it was because Okay, man, I'm not do you remember? Do you remember the late night? They actually had that sharpener that you could stick your rate into which that thing came and went in two seconds I bet the big raised companies Either it bombed or they just bought it out. Yep

They bought it out out the other creator of it was in a diner It was just like all of a sudden they poisoned me and fucking ran out and died Yeah, well, they probably just bought the patent to it and then just you know Kept in a lot of people buy patents and then just hide them from everybody so They they can't compete with them I don't know. Well, hey, let's talk bronze before we get the fuck out of it. We'll get back up Oh, Jesus that dog pound of horseshit. Sorry. No growl, man

I didn't I never liked it from the start, but we have a we actually have a dog now the first time we have a dog That's cool. Like a real dog. I like that. I like that. Oh, good deal Yeah, we got a bull man a brown bull mastiff named swagger It's his first year as the like so he kind of sits on the sidelines and just kind of licks himself I said, Jesus, I said when I first got him, I go, I just this dog, you know I don't know if this is a good timing with the way our These this thing's gonna this thing's gonna run out in front of a car after week three probably just fucking throw them So in traffic on the on the

Did you guys want what happened? I was in one man. So, uh, you know, we we tried to give it away to New Orleans we had a great first half and then We just when you came in and start doing a podcast we made we went like I just heard you yell 87 yard Well, we didn't go all 87 yards, but we started I think on the 13 with about two and a half minutes to go and Hoyer took us down the field and we had a you know We had a great catch on the side miles also had a great catch on the sidelines at about the 39 to keep the Drive going and then we a big defensive breakdown

We hit a we hit a receiver down the middle to the 10 with four seconds ago and cundiff hit the game winning field Go 26 24 Browns over the Saints who a lot of people think the Saints are going to be in that fucking Final four mix one and one and we should have beat Pittsburgh. We lost to Pittsburgh Don't the Saints have a horrific defense or something? Well, it looked bad last week against Atlanta and it it didn't look great against us today Well rex ryan or not rex ryan the fat one and the the the one that needs The one that needs to get off the sugar the the ryan. Oh, is he fat? I don't know the ugly one. What they had the hair. Yeah, they look the same. They'll take well rex went on that lap

And what's the guy's name? Rob? Rob has one of those like just disgusting Stomachs that you know what I mean like he's got like the skinny legs the regular like neck and arms And then he's just got one of those Man pregnant bellies. It's disgusting. It's disgusting Well, you're one and one I want to hear can I hear something positive from a cleveland browns fan? I like it. I think we got a good coach on our hands I said even after the first loss and I'm watching a little bit is I just tweeted out I go

I think you know, I think we actually have a well coached football team on our hands, which we just haven't had We just I mean we we we just haven't had a coach Since we've come back as the brown we haven't had a coach since bella check Now those are the guys at the rate the last time we won a playoff game as the cleveland browns Who are now the ball the more ravens, but as the brown you beat us we beat this we beat the bill part cells Patriots in a wild card game at cleveland with bill bell check is our head coach student became the master 20 years ago. That's 20 seasons ago. All right. Well, I'm a I'm a closet cleveland browns fans So I hope you guys have a great season

I'm psyched the patriots won and we were like I got nervous after that first drive But you know adrian peterson wasn't there so Uh, but I know we did do some things, but I don't know when I when I saw seattle on that first game And I then watched the 49ers. I'm just like it's just so clear that the nfc You know if everybody stays healthy that the super is gonna be out that way again teams hadn't stopped playing from last year I said after week one. I'm like they look like they're eight weeks in dude. Pete carers. I mean, I've never been more wrong about that guy I was like that guy. I did he's you know, he just he just has like that nice guy look about him when he coached the patriots I was just like this guy doesn't have it and then even when he did well at at uh, uh,

USC I was just like, well, you know, he's not he's not a fucking nfl It's someone who never coached football. I'm sitting there saying this guy is not an nfl coach And he won like two or three championships Well, the crazy thing is is now the nfl that was always the hit You couldn't be a college because the college coach other than jimmy johnson the college How about them cowboys the college coach never came in and did anything in the nfl None of them nick save and lou holt none of them very switzer very sweet. That was jimmy's team. That was come on That's that but none of them could do that

But the trend has changed because football has changed the quarterback and football has changed to a college style quarterback So now you got p carol ultraly successful Jim harball ultraly successful You got chip kelly now at the eagles turning that thing around real quick So you're gonna see more turning around the culture in the locker room college coaches are successful now in the nfl You know what more more so do they give johnny manzella chance? No, not the way hoary looks man as he screwed the pooch on the side of the fucking field there Yeah, you know, listen to brian hoary or brian hoary looks great

And he knows the playbook and a team is playing for him and you try to suggest that johnny was not learning the playbook He isn't where did you hear that? We heard that in uh some articles that came out of training camp Why he was shooting himself in the foot because they were giving him chances to win this job Even to hoary was the number one guy patin was a new coach He was giving him a chance to win his job and and some of the some of the articles coming out of cleven dot com It was saying that he was not grasping the playbook. I think that means he's not learning the playbook or you know, he's uh I'll tell you this kid has had every opportunity in the world But if you're not going to sit down and learn your x's and o's

I mean the team's not going to get behind you and if that doesn't happen it is very difficult to win in this league Look like these guys. Okay. They will hurt you In the painting Yeah, they are they are terrific in punt coverage and they are excellent creativity on fourth and long As a huby brown doing football There's not one woman left that listens to this podcast anymore. This is just a sausage fest I gotta fucking I gotta I don't think I've ever had a female guest. Have I I think I ever had well your wife No, no, I mean like I like a fucking outside of somebody I live with

um Have I had a female comic on here? I guess I haven't Uh-oh Am I sexist? All right, this is it everybody. This is the end of the podcast. Thank you so much for listening Congratulations to everybody's team one this week You know, it's only week two don't get too down on your team if they lost that's it go fuck yourselves And I'll talk to you next week

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