Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-16-13

Episode Date: September 16, 2013

Bill rambles about El Paso, Texas A&M and staying at a Sheradon.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, September 16th, 2013. I hope this doesn't sound weird. I don't know what happened. I think my dog laid down on my mixer. It sounded weird. It sounded weird to me, man. It's freaking me out, man. How was your weekend? Why do I ask questions that you can't answer, like I'm talking to a listener on the phone? I'm not doing that. I'm laying here by myself as always excited to be back home. For those of you who have lives, for those of you who just happened to, I don't know, end up on this podcast, welcome. I do one of these every single week and I have a website named billbird.com. And if you like what you hear here and you want to hear my fucking standup specials, I have a hard copy version and a $5 downloadable version.

Whatever the hell you want to do, it's right there for your takings. All right, there. Horde myself out early people showing a lot of leg early in the podcast. I don't know where to begin with this weekend. Let's start at the beginning. First of all, just when I think Paul Verzi is a smart man. Just when I think like, no, no, you know what? This guy isn't like, I don't know what the word is. I bet you guys have a lot of people like this. I know a number of guys in this business who have these unbelievable like perceptive powers. Like they see somebody, they can read them and they can figure out situations. But you know, you give them a simple math problem and you just see the look on their face.

And you know, the whole time you're friends with them, you wrestle. You'll, is this guy a smart guy? Or is he a moron who just guesses really well? Now I'm fucking with you. I obviously think Paul's a smart guy, but you know, we all have our moments. Paul Verzi had a moment. Right before we went to Texas and this is the deal. We're doing El Paso on Thursday night. We're doing San Antonio Friday night and then Saturday we're going to the Alabama and Texas A&M game and then we're going to get back and we're going to watch the Mayweather fight. That was basically the weekend. That was the plan. That's what was on the books. Okay. El Paso is a make update on the Billy Red State Tour and we added San Antonio.

Okay. So one step back, two steps forward. That was the game plan. So me and Verzi are ridiculously excited because we're going to this fucking game and we're going to drive from El Paso to San Antonio. And everybody in Texas is like, you're driving that? Oh my God. Good luck. You're not going to see anything. There's nothing. It's going to be like driving on the surface of the moon and all this shit. This is what they tell us. So I don't know what somebody told Verzi, but evidently he's watched a couple, two or three things on these Mexican drug cartels and he was freaking the fuck out. Like he's going, yeah, dude, I don't know about this El Paso. You know, they got like these drug lords down there and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, what are we talking about, Paul? He goes, yeah, man, I just wish we had a gun or something. He kept saying how he wanted to bring a gun. And I was like, Paul, we're not going across the border. I'm not saying it's not a dangerous city.

I'm not saying that it's not right next to a really dangerous city. And I'm not saying that something fucked up might not happen, but you're freaking out. And I need you to relax. And he just kept going. No, dude, we should take the tire iron and have that under the car. I mean, under the front seat of the car. Like for when we like, this is the guy who lives and works in New York City at night. All right, this is a classic, classic fucking New Yorkers. I'm telling you, they are no different than somebody who grew up in the middle of nowhere and lives on a farm. They're the exact same way. All they know is their world. He's so used to the danger that's familiar in New York City that he doesn't even see it anymore. And he watches one, one or two of these fucking hard copies, 60 minute things on, you know, people getting their faces peeled back and getting tortured and kidnapped and all that shit down there in Mexico. And all of a sudden he's freaking out, freaking out about Mexicans as he's driving by the Puerto Rican day parade. You see what I'm saying? Worried that he's going to get robbed when Wall Street is right down the fucking, I don't know, right around the corner from where he lives.

Those people have their fingers in your fucking account already. You're worried about some hypothetical shit. All right. Where you live is third and short. El Paso, that's a fucking Hail Mary when it comes to something actually happening. So I'm kept going, Paul, will you fucking relax? It's going to be fine. It's going to be great. It's going to be a part of the country we haven't gone to. And we just kept asking, no, dude, I'm just saying, I'm not an idiot. I know I'm from there. It just kept escalating. And at one point I'm yelling at him on the phone and I want, and I screamed the words drug cartel trying to reason with him. And then I just stopped and you can ask him this. I just said, listen, I just said drug cartel. I'm done with this conversation. I'll see you in El Paso. So I fucking hang up. So I get to the fucking airport. I fly out and I'm ridiculously excited to go to El Paso, Texas and then fucking do this drive down to San Antonio, Texas.

All right. That was the game plan. And to let you know what left turns coming, how about a little foreshadowing? Here's a fucking letter in email I got from somebody. I don't know where they live. Either in New Mexico, I don't know what or in Texas. This is what it says. My heart is like, I can't wait to go here. I can't wait to make up this date. I'll probably do an hour and a half on stage. This is going to be fucking awesome. That was my intention. This is the email I get Monday morning. Thanks for nothing, Bill. I'm done with you. I twice you've ditched El Paso and yesterday he means like the day of the gig. He goes, I wasn't notified until 412 p.m. The show is at eight o'clock after a five hour drive to El Paso, basically that the show is canceled.

He goes, apparently you think nothing of El Paso. So right now you got to be sitting at your desk. You got to be sitting in your shop. You got to be sitting at your cubicle. Maybe you're sitting at a bus stop. Maybe you're waiting for that fucking plane to take off. And there's some cunt telling you you have to power down your device and you don't feel like doing it because you want to know what happens in El Paso. All right. So this is what happens. I fucking, I land in El Paso and Verzi's already there and he's meeting me at the terminal. El Paso is a great fucking airport. It's one of those ones where there's no, am I in terminal A, terminal B. The whole fucking thing is in one area. It's like a mom and pop airport.

Get in, get out. The security's great. It's fucking awesome. I love it. All right. So I land there and I get off the plane and there's Verzi. All right. Dressed like he's going to go clean somebody's fucking pool. Yeah. He's got these fucking basketball shorts that are hanging down below his knee. Right. He didn't have on flip flop. He had on black socks with these black sneakers. And I think white shorts, mesh shorts that hung down below. He was a fucking, he was already a shit show. He's got his t-shirt on and he's sitting there with a backpack like a book bag. Like he's going to class or something and then like some sort of duffel bag.

Like he's going to go to the gym in 1977. This is how the man travels. Okay. And he's standing there with like this excited, relieved and nervous look on his face. He's at the airport and he's fucking nervous about being in El Paso because he's convinced that he's going to get kidnapped by some drug cartel, drag back to Mexico and held for ransom. And evidently Obama's going to get on TV and be like, you know, we got to get this, this citizen back. He's done so much for this country. You know, this, this is what he's fucking concerned about. And immediately he starts going like, yeah, dude, dude, you know, I was just over there. You see that they're selling a bunch of skulls. They're selling like all these skeletons and all these skulls in the gift shop.

And it's that Mexican holiday, you know, that the day of the dead. I don't know when it is, but they celebrate the dead. It's a little weird, but whatever Santa Claus isn't, you know, some fat fuck coming down your goddamn chimney to give you toys. And if you're a cunt, he puts some sort of fossil fuel. I love that. If you're bad, you get cold. Well, you're still giving me a way to heat the house. You dumb cunt. Why don't you just leave nothing? Just why don't you just leave a terse letter in my stocking? Can you ever think about that? That's not Santa Claus. It's Billy Gibbons grandfather. A lot of people don't know that. So I'm already laughing and I'm just like, Paul, come on, man, it's the day of the dead.

And I actually went up and I bought the magnet. Nia's actually into that shit. So I was like, all right, let me, let me grab one of these fucking magnet things here. And so I'm just laughing at him. So now we drive over and it's like already starting to rain, which in our world is no big deal. It wasn't even that bad of rain. It was kind of bad, but not that bad, right? So we're driving around. I'm fucking all excited. Just checking out the landscape, the different buildings, and it's a really cool city where, you know, they have some corporate shit. But for the most part, the Starbucks's and those kinds of things, I don't know, the skyscrapers, not really fucking with El Paso.

Like everything's kind of like, you know, like a, no more than like a five story building. There's a few, but generally speaking, you drive down the street. It looks like one giant main street is all these places, right? The lady at the Hertz rental car tells us where to get some good Mexican food. We go there. I forget the name of the shit that we had, but it was unfucking believable. It was great. And of course we walk into the place and it's some mom and pop kind of place that the locals go to. We walk in, everybody turns to look, Verzi immediately thinks he's going to get kidnapped. He goes, dude, you just see that? Everybody's, everybody's looking at us. It's like, Paul, that happens in a dive bar where you're from.

Where you fucking relax. You're going to get us fucking punched in the face with that fucking look on your face. All right. Jesus Christ. So we sit down. We have an amazing fucking meal. Verzi starting to relax a little bit. Right. And I'm sitting there and I have in this, this, my, this little FedEx envelope. I have the four tickets to El Paso, to El Paso, to the, the Aggie game. And I got the four cigars. We're going to smoke. All right. And, you know, for, for the four people going to the game. And I just keep holding on to that thing. Like, I might as well have it handcuffed to my wrist. I was so paranoid that I was going to lose the tickets, crush the cigars and just fuck up the whole weekend.

So we eat. It's awesome. And we drive down the main street and Verzi just going, yeah, dude, I don't, I don't like this. I don't like this. Right. He's, he's all fucking nervous. And we get to the hotel. It's a fucking hotel. They check us in. Everything's all good. We get up to the rooms and I call the venue, my t-shirts for the red state tour had shown up. Everything's looking like it's going to go good. Then it starts raining a little bit more. But once again, you know, actually when we were going there too, there was some streets that were blocked off because of flooding. And I'm like, ah, you know, it's kind of a desert out here.

So I guess they don't handle the rain too well, but I wasn't thinking anything. And then all of a sudden my agent called up along with the promoter and they said, listen, the first thing they sent me was that it, the venue, it got switched, which should have been the first red flag. They said the venue I was supposed to perform at lost power and they were having a little bit of flooding or something like that. I was like, you know, I'm looking at my hotel window like really? I had no idea. That doesn't seem right. So then they fucking, they said, change a venue. It said, please wait. Let me confirm that. And I said, all right, so I sat there and all I'm thinking is people are driving into the fucking show.

I don't want to start the show and have half of them go to the wrong theater, the other half go to the right theater. So I say, fuck it. And I tweet it out. I say, the venue's been changed. It's now over here. But blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. About a half hour after that, my agent and the fucking promoter called up and they say, listen, you know, we're now having problems at the other theater like there might be a power outage. And because of the flooding and roads and all this type of shit, people like maybe half the crowd is going to show up. So I was like, all right, wait a minute.

Now, if only half the crowd shows up, does that other half get refunds? And they said, no. So what do you want to do? Do you want to do the show or do you want to reschedule it? So at that point, I'm going to fuck over half the people. So I said, no, let's reschedule it. I'll fly back out here. It's only, you know, a couple, two, three hour flight. I'll do it again and, you know, I'll figure something out, you know, let's reschedule it as soon as we can. So I went on Twitter, I deleted that one and then I sent the thing and I knew that there was going to be people like this guy who's fucking pissed. All of that shit happened between two and four o'clock. So my apologies to the person who's done with me.

But, you know, and I said on Twitter to quote Breaking Bad and Huell slash LaVelle Crawford, who's a fucking phenomenal comedian and actor, was an act of God. There was nothing I could do. What was I supposed to do? You know, so I apologize that it didn't happen. And then, you know, me and Verzi went out and got absolutely fucking hammered and spent as much money as we could in El Paso, killing our livers and brain cells. I actually went to a bar and we, I ran to a couple of people that were supposed to come out to the show and they kind of explained to me that because it doesn't rain out there a lot that the ground's really dry and it can't absorb it

and it just kind of flows down right over the top of it. I have no idea because that looked like a above average rainstorm to me and so whatever. So I am going to reschedule it. Sir, if you aren't done with me, I understand, but it was not my fault. And the first time, I guess it was my fault because I chose an acting gig in a movie, but what am I supposed to do? I have to do that. That'd be like, sir, you were going to go to my fucking show and all of a sudden the chick you always wanted to bang says, hey, you know what, you can hit it, but only tonight.

What are you going to say? You're going to come and see my dumb freckled redhead? You're not. So there you go. Alright, so that's just the beginning people of my Texas trip, my trip to the great state of fucking Texas. Alright, let me, let's knock one of these things out here. People a little advertising for the week. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. There are so many things in the world that irritate me. Raining in El Paso, Texas that causes the shows to get canceled.

This guy walking around telling everybody wherever the hell he lives that I'm a piece of shit and that I don't care about El Paso. I care about it, buddy. When you fly out of a smaller city, so they stick you on a smaller plane. So instead of taking 50 minutes, it now takes the same fucking three hours. So you might as well just flown out of Dallas. That also irritates me. When so many things can irritate you, why add razors to the list? It's time to stop milking your razor blades, everybody.

I know with brand name razors, you're used to paying outrageous prices and exhausting those razors until they start to look like rusty soda cans. It's time to move on. Dollar Shave Club delivers amazing quality blades to your door for just a few bucks a month. Never think about it again. They send a pack every, oops, they send a pack every month. For the love of God, can we fix this copy? I trip over that every damn week. They send a pack every month so you can change your blades every week.

So it's a four pack, giving you new blade every week. I love these guys and your face will love them too. I don't love that copy though. They've also got a new product called One White Charlie's. People, you have to watch this video. It's hilarious. It's a butt wipe for men and it's classy. Check out the video for that and sign up for your razors today.

It's basically the poor man's bidet. What it is, it's a baby wipe. One wipe Charlie, baby. Go to Charlie. Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr. B-U-R-R. That's dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr. B-U-R-R.

Or go to billburr.com and click the Dollar Shave Club banner. Okay, Hulu Plus. I'm sure you've tried Hulu.com, everybody, but I want to talk to you about Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you watch thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere. Stream it on your TV or go with your smartphone or tablet. Why stand in a line or ride on a train and just stare at your feet? You could be watching your favorite shows on Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus is a great way to binge watch your favorite TV shows.

It has tons of episodes from great comedies like SNL, Community, Modern Family, South Park, Family Guy, and thousands of other shows. It's only $7.99 a month. That's $7.99 for all the shows and movies you can watch. Catch up on current shows, binge on old favorites, or catch a great movie. You can do it all on Hulu Plus. Right now you can try Hulu Plus for a couple of weeks free on me when you go to the podcast page at billburr.com and click the Hulu Plus or go to huluplus.com slash bill. Please make sure you use huluplus.com slash bill so you can get an extended free trial. And so they know that we sent you.

Alright, that's it. Huluplus.com slash bill. Alright, let's continue on. So unfortunately, for the second time, the El Paso gig did not happen. I don't know why. I have no idea why. It didn't seem like it was raining that bad. I definitely saw a lot of emergency vehicles.

There was definitely a lot of flashing official lights. I know I had to make like three detoured turns because the roads kept getting blocked off, but I don't know. I'm determined to make this show happen. Maybe the third time will be a fucking show. Alright, so anyways, so me and Verzi go out and we watch the Patriots Jets game. And he's cracking up because I have the entire Patriots offense and defense and Jets offense and defense written down on two cheat sheets, flipping them over and that type of stuff. So I know what the hell's going on because I'm obsessed with watching the offensive line this year. You know, and I'm also enjoying watching Brady playing with the level of talent that he has at the wide receiver position and watching him getting frustrated.

And trying to get those guys on the same page. And I already saw a huge improvement between the first week and the second week, especially from that Tompkins kid. The first week he had a brutal week. I think maybe he had one catch. He bumped into another receiver on like a pick play down by the end zone. And I know I thought he was 100% better. And I know it was a sloppy, ugly game, but I like this shit. I like watching a team rebuild.

Like I said, it's a very, it's very healthy for the fan base. It's kind of like a forest fire where it's, it's necessary. It's kind of a horror show. You don't want to see it, but it's necessary, you know, and when a team has to rebuild what it does is it kind of burns off a lot of the bandwagon. I actually got into with a buddy mind. He was sitting there saying that Belichick is overrated and what has he done since 2004 when last time we won. It's like, I don't know, went to two more Super Bowls for a grand total of seven Super Bowls that he's, he's been to. Is that right? Three, five, seven. Yeah. And he's won five out of seven.

You know what I mean? I don't know what the fuck your problem is. And we went to a Super Bowl two years ago. That's like some New York Philly Boston shit where it's like they, they gets this so fucking. I don't know what so quick to pull the trigger and be like, fuck this. I'm out of here. You know, I mean, a lot of shit happened. We lost Welker to free agency.

We didn't want to pay him, but we've always done that. That's been our motto. We let tie law go. Lawyer Malloy all the way back. We let all those guys go when we felt they wanted too much money and that it was going to affect the overall level of what we wanted to do. Belichick has always, you know, traded his way out of the first round. He's rather to get a second round guy. We could have had Des Bryant.

He goes, I don't want to get that fucking guy. You know, he doesn't like that flash type shit. He just doesn't. And it's when you want too much money, let you go. He's been doing that forever and it's worked. So I'm not questioning the guy and I'm going to enjoy watching them try and, you know, win some games this year in the very, what looks to be very weak AFC East. I'm going to say some really obvious shit this week about football. I watched the Broncos Giants yesterday, taped that game and Broncos are obviously the team to beat.

I didn't know they had holiday to being an LSU fan. I was trying to keep an eye on him when he went to the Texans. He just was so exciting to watch when he played for LSU. I didn't get to see him too much. I know he took back a kickoff and a punt and a playoff game last year, but now the Broncos have him. He took one back. So now their special teams are a threat. They got a great defense.

Their offensive line is ridiculous. They got that dude. The hell's his name there? No, Sean Moreno and Peyton looks better than he ever did. So obviously that's the team to beat. You know, the usual powerhouse teams, the Patriots, Steelers and them, they're not looking too good. Somebody for the love of God, figure out the fucking San Diego Chargers for me. Jesus Christ.

Those fucking guys, what they're doing to their fan base. If I hadn't been down to a game and had such an awful time, I would actually feel bad. I actually still do. I feel bad for most of the people because I'm sure most of the people were cool. It's just a cunt sitting behind me. But anyways, but I gotta tell you, even after watching the Broncos handle their business with the Giants, I have to tell you watching Seattle and the 49ers, it was a whole other level of professional football. And even though Seattle really manhandled, not manhandled, but really handled the 49ers,

I've just watched enough football to realize it's only September and that doesn't mean shit. It's definitely a good thing. You won the game, but that by no means basically says, well, you'll definitely beat them again and then you'll beat them again if you have to win. If you got to play in January, it's probably going to go back and forth. But I gotta say that dude, Richard Sherman, not only is a fucking phenomenal player, but that guy's fucking hilarious. Somehow I missed last year when he would yelled at Brady.

I missed that. You know what it is? I don't watch pregame and postgame analysis. I just can't sit there and watch about people talking about people getting it done and not getting it done and what people have to do that day. It's like, I don't know. That's shit driving. Well, you know what I really like?

I like when they cut to that guy who knows the rules and he can break down what the fuck just happened. I like that stuff. And I like listening to former players tell stories, but like analysis of what just happened or what's going on. So I usually just shut the thing off. And so whatever. I saw the Brady thing and then I watched that thing where he came at Skip Bayless. He said, I'm better at you in life.

Instead, I'm the top whatever in my field and I would not put you in that level in broadcasting. And I just thought it was hilarious. And I don't know. I thought he could have hit him even harder. You know what he should have said at some point? Richard Sherman should have said to Skip Bayless when Skip was disagreeing with with, you know, Sherman that he was one of the, I guess, top guys in the league, whatever the hell the argument was, what he should have said to him was he should have said, yeah, what do I know?

What do I know? I just play for a real professional football team. I don't play in a fantasy football team. I just do this for a living. I play football for a living. You watch it. Yeah. Why would I know?

Why would I know better than you? Please you, you sit there with your brand new knees and shoulders that have never been fucked up in your brain. That's never been concussed because you never played a contact sport. You bad bit and playing jackass with your fucking game show host hair. Why don't you tell me? Why don't you tell me who the best fucking cornerbacks are in the league? If he, if he went that way, I already love what he did. So, um, I'm looking forward to that.

Uh, he was funny. He went up, he pat his old coach on the ass after he beat him. I think that's, I think that's really funny, um, especially if you get the job done. But if you are going to run your mouth, he better hang out on the field if they lose. Which, but like I said, I don't know much about him, but, uh, Seattle looks fucking. They look amazing. And, uh, I, I was laughing my ass off when I saw Pete Carroll doing the woo. He's got more of an edge to him though.

He used to just look like he was Robert Young on father knows best to bring out a fucking reference from 60 years ago. He used to look wholesome. I don't know what happened to him at USC. I know some dirt went down, you know, and, uh, do you guys see the cover of this? Why don't fault Pete Carroll? Did you guys see the cover of our sports illustrator this week talking about all the stuff that happened at OSU and all the filth and the sex and the scandals and the, the boosters and all that type of shit. Um, I think at this point, sports illustrator has done a cover story about probably half the football programs.

They write that article every fucking year and a half, two years about some sort of scandal about either football, basketball, whatever sport that's going on. And they act like it's shocking. Um, here's the deal. Okay. If it wasn't for these football and basketball programs and the money that they generate, most people's fucking campuses would look like El Paso, Texas. I'm fucking with the El Paso, but you know what I mean? They'd look like a, like there would be nothing there. The, the sports programs build all the dormitories. The, I, in that article I read the PAC 12 signed a $3 billion TV contract.

And these kids are going out there, you know, doing lifetime damage to their bodies for no fucking money, for no money. Um, I know a lot of people go, we mean no money to give free education. It's a joke. Let's say they had time to fucking go to school. Okay. Let's just say they had time to do, let's just say that the schools also only drafted people who could actually, you know, only signed people who could actually handle the school workload. You know what I mean? They didn't get somebody who flunked everything in fucking high school and found a fucking loophole and then stuck them in the basket weaving class. Let's say they actually fucking tried to educate them.

You don't have time with that. I don't know. I don't think you do anyways. I'm going to skip Bayless here. I never fucking played. And then secondly, if you get hurt, they take away your fucking scholarships and they're not trying to educate you. And even if they do fucking educate you, the amount of fucking money generated versus what it costs to stick you in a fucking dorm is a joke. It's a fucking joke. So I don't know what the solution is.

I don't know if you pay him, but I understand why those boosters come around and give the money. I get it. It's fucking ridiculous. Look, if I go to some fucking strip mall and I give a great show and I sell a bunch of tickets, like I get compensated. You know what I mean? I don't. And these guys play in front of an entire stadium. Entire fucking stadiums sold out nationally televised fucking games and they don't get any.

They get like a $15 like stipend $15. I mean, I guess you could feed you and two other teammates if you went to McDonald's. I don't know what, but anyways, I'm just saying it's a filthy fucking business. So I don't need sports illustrated to expose what you already know that's going on. I mean, Jesus Christ, it's the same story they've been doing forever. And then they get some hot girls there and they fucking bang the recruits. So they feel like, wow, I'm going to be a rock star here. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. They're doing what they're supposed to be doing. They're trying to make money. That's how the games play. All right. So anyways, so the El Paso gig gets rained out. And I was anticipating way more emails like that. So people of El Paso, you're very understanding and the person who's pissed at me, I get why you're mad at me.

But I can't handle the weather or the topography is not is beyond my control. All right. So I'm going to reschedule it. And, you know, I'm going to reschedule it. All right. So I'm going to reschedule it. And, you know, if you don't show up, I understand why you don't go fuck yourself. It fucking rained and they cancel it.

I didn't, you know, Jesus, I'm done apologizing. All right. So next day we wake up in the morning and we're going to go drive to from El Paso to San Antonio, Texas. And everybody is telling us that, you know, like they said, there's, you know, there's nothing out there. It's going to be like driving. They're like laughing at me that I'm going to do it because it's like a seven hour drive, eight hour drive or whatever. And I got to tell you, it was one of the most beautiful drives I've ever gone on in my life. Verzi is freaking out.

Like he was worried that between El Paso and San Antonio, somehow we were going to get abducted driving the speed limits 80 miles an hour. So I'm doing like 87 88 got the cruise control set. We're fucking flying. I don't know what he thinks. Somebody's going to jump off, you know, down a highway. I don't know what he thought was going to happen. And if you saw what was on either side of us, anybody who comes at us is going to be like hallucinating from lack of water. It looked like a spaghetti Western out there.

It was absolutely fucking gorgeous. You ride a motorcycle. That would be a great one to go. I would definitely wait till it wasn't so fucking hot out. I'm telling you, Platt, we saw fucking everything. We saw, we saw vultures on the side of the road. The real ones, the ones with the hellboy heads, that fucking all red head and the fucking those black feathers just picking apart this carcass was fucking always unbelievable. Absolutely gorgeous.

It made you want to ride a horse. It was one of the great drives I've ever had. So underrated El Paso, Texas, and then driving to San Antonio, Texas. It was a fucking great time. And people saying that there's, I guess, nothing out there to see basically means you can't go to a subway sandwich. There's no mall. There's no outlets. There's no movie theater.

That classic shit. Well, when I go out there, I can't see what I can already see here. Therefore, they ain't got nothing out there for me to say. I shouldn't have done that in a Southern accent because they appreciate the outdoors, those Southerners. Hell, half of them live in the outdoors, don't they? It is a stereotype, sorry. So Verzi, now Verzi is enjoying, he's enjoying, he's starting to enjoy Texas. Look at this, Paul.

Every fucking twist and turn, every going up and down the hill. Look at this valley. Look at that. Look at that plateau. Look at that. I don't know. Look at those rocks. Look at this shit.

We're not going to see. And meanwhile, our buddy who's going to the game, he'd already arrived in San Antonio and he thought we were driving. So he's like, dude, I'm already at the hotel bar. Where are you guys? So rather than text him back, we made him this fucking, this video that we actually, we did it with two iPhones. We used the music on my iPhone. I ran it through the radio and then Verzi filmed it and we did it and I think it was two takes. The first take, the music was too loud and then the second take was the one that we actually used.

And he fucking laughed his balls off. It's basically, it's a video from us to our buddy who's sitting in San Antonio, letting them know that we're driving and we're on our way. So definitely check that out. That'll be up on the podcast page, billbird.com. Check it out now. What am I saying? It's going to be up. It'll be up by the time you listen to this, hopefully.

So anyways, we're driving and as far as finding places to stop, it's definitely slim picking. So we ended up, we stopped at this McDonald's. We had to get gas and we just stopped at a fucking McDonald's. There was nothing else out there, any port in the storm. So we go in there, we walk in and McDonald's is something, you know, I love about McDonald's. You know, you shouldn't be eating it. So you always avoid it. But when you finally give in that you're going to eat it, there's a certain level of excitement.

Well, you're just like, I fuck it. If I'm going to eat it, I'm throwing it down. So I went in there. I haven't been in there and I can't remember the last time and they got something. They got a triple cheeseburger and it's like, absolutely. I'll take one of those fuckers. It's perfect. I'll take one of those, give me a large fry and then I got a water.

That was my way of trying to be halfway healthy. Versey orders like a fucking smoothie. I love it at McDonald's orders of fucking smoothie. Right. It's probably ground up like squirrel tail with some, I don't even, I don't know what. So he orders that. So we're standing in line and we're waiting to get our food and all of a sudden Versey just creeps up on me, gets right in my ear and he just goes, dude, don't turn around.

All right. Don't look, but there is a guy right behind me sitting down in a red shirt with the mustache who is trying to fucking stare me down. He just, no joke, dude. He just gave me one of the most hardcore fucking stare down looks I've ever seen in my life. All right. So now he's got me fucking nervous. I'm like, what the fuck is he talking about?

So I kind of do the pretending to stretch and I glance over and I look over at the guy and he has like some sort of brain damage. Okay. He's sitting there. You know that full metal jacket look where your head's kind of down. So you're looking through the horizon of your eyebrows with your mouth hanging open. That's what he's doing. There's barely any brain activity.

I don't know if he had some sort of head trauma or whatever. And then I kind of scan around them and there's like seven other adults with the same look on their face. And then I look and there's two reasonable, not reasonable, two regular looking adults, whatever adjective I use is going to be offensive to adults with all their faculties. Obviously they brought these people here in a van to fucking McDonald's and I look at Paul and I'm like, dude, the guy's fucking idiot. He's got special needs.

You should have seen the guy though. He looked like fucking, you know, Jack Nicholson in one flu of the cuckoo's nest when he fakes that he got the lobotomy. That's what the fuck this guy looked like. And so finally Verzi just starts laughing. He realizes that he's being an idiot. And now he's so into Texas. We're driving for the rest of San Antonio.

He's looking for a place to buy a cowboy hat and a couple of cap guns because he wants to make another fucking YouTube video of him standing on the side of the road of this highway on a rock, you know, doing some shit about how he loves Texas. And this is the same fucking guy who like two hours earlier wanted to have a tire under under the seat and some sort of fucking pistol to shoot whoever the fuck was going to kidnap us. So I don't know, long story short. Then we got to San Antonio.

We did that. We did that gig. Had a great time. And I think I'm going to run out of time here because I got to read your letters. We ended up going to the next day we go to the Aggie game and we were coming up from Houston. We drove over to Houston. So we basically drove across the state of Texas on the 10 from El Paso all the way to Houston.

And then in Houston, we fucking drove to a Walmart to meet this booze bus to drive us up. Now they had two booze buses and eight in the morning and one at 1130. Everybody jumped on the eight in the morning because they wanted to get fucked up. We showed at the 1131. It was like us, this older couple and then a group of four people in the back, the whole bus to ourselves. And they were Alabama fans and they were all cool as hell.

And it was awesome, man. They had all these beers and then they had like this, you know, some brisket beans and all this shit that they made for you. It was fucking great. We're chowing the food with slamming beers. We got the cigars. We got the tickets. We're ready to go.

Drive up there. There's no fucking traffic because everybody's already there partying. And we pull in the college station. We see the stadium. We see everybody up there with the fucking Aggie colors on. I never noticed how much, how much red, brighter red Alabama's colors are than the Aggies until you saw the two fans, you know, standing together. And it was just, it was fucking awesome.

We had a great time. Going into the game, right as we got in, we got in there just right after the flyover and Manziel was starting to drive down the field. And dude, I gotta tell you, when they scored those first two touchdowns, the stadium was going fucking crazy. Aggies go up 14 and nothing. And you know, because we were thinking Alabama was going to win. I didn't think they were going to cover, but I was like, I think they're going to win.

And he goes up 14 and nothing and they were shutting them down on defense. And then I don't, it was one of the loudest stadiums I've fucking been in. And then all of a sudden, oh, by the way, that whole fucking thing with the Seahawks fans trying to set the record to be the loudest crowd is one of the gayest things I think I've ever seen in my fucking life. You know, what are you guys doing? You know, you know what that should, somebody tweeted me that and I said, well, you know, you've never won a championship.

You got to hand your hat on something. What is the purpose of that Seattle fans? And you might win one this year, but as of right now, what are you guys doing? What is the, do you guys have a team song? If it is, if it is, I have to guess it's going to, it's basically this. We are the loudest, my friends. And we'll keep on screaming till we lose. Do, do, do, do.

We are the loudest. We are the loudest. No time for winning because we are the loudest. Bum, bum. Because the architect designed the building to make a sound louder. You're a bunch of cheaters up there. You're not louder than anybody else. You're not louder than those Aggie fans.

They had some rooftop orchestra fucking pit to keep it all, you know, contained. They'd sound loud too. This is the thing people, I went to a game there. I heard how fucking unbelievably loud it was, but I looked at the fans and you weren't yelling any louder. There's no guy like like fucking punching himself. Like how you could yell louder than any other human beings. You're, you're, we're basically create, we all came out of the same fucking mud puddle. You can't yell louder, you know, more passionate or nothing.

You just got that little rooftop thing there holding it in. You know why? Cause for all these years you've needed that extra help. All right, but enough. Just win a fucking championship. Win a goddamn champ, which might happen this year. I hope it does because when it does, you won't waste your time on stupid, pointless things like trying to be the loudest. You think you're louder than Kansas City chief fans?

Those fans are loud. Okay. And they've had nothing to cheers about, cheer about for fucking years. So anyway, so we go in there, the fucking Aggie game is ridiculously loud. All natural too. No PEDs, no architect trying to help them out. Just fucking completely natural. Christ, they didn't even have half a fucking third, a third of the stadium was missing.

You know, one of the end zones, they just had these little bleachers. You could see the dorm rooms, the traffic going by. You look far enough. You could probably see a cow taking a shit out the field. Um, so anyways, they go up 14 to nothing. And then here comes fucking Bama 14 seven 14 14. 21 14 Alabama. Then half time.

And I gotta tell you, they took the fucking air out of that stadium. All right. Fucking Aggies. Did they get the ball back? I think Alabama had it first. I don't remember. I was pretty hammered. Uh, but all I know is that they stopped them or whatever, but then the Aggies start fucking driving and then they throw a fucking pick.

And the guy takes it back 35 14 five unanswered touchdowns. And, uh, one of my buddies that I'm with, who's in the pro semi pro football Hall of Fame. All right, which is a fucking accomplishment more than skip Bayless ever did. Why am I attacking skip? I just think it's funny to make fun of that guy. I don't give a shit about him either way. Um, he was just talking about, uh, Alabama's offensive line and just saying like they're blowing him off the ball. I don't give a fuck who, what weapons you have.

If you win in that war, you're going to win the fucking game. And he was saying how, uh, what's his face was going to run up the score because they, uh, they, uh, they lost last year or they beat, they got beat last year. And, um, so I'm sitting there. So I can't believe once again, I get unbelievably depressed. I just want to see Alabama fucking lose. This is the second year in the row, but then all of a sudden here come the Aggies 35 21. Okay. They're kind of back in it.

Then it was then fucking Alabama scores 42 21. People start thinking it's over, but then the Aggie score again, 42 28. Then they finally got that number four and Alabama to fucking do something wrong all day. He fumbles the ball. They get the ball. They throw it to that number 13 kid. Fuck, I should know his name. The guy had like 290 something yards receiving.

God damn it. I'm the worst. I really should know his name and I should say at the name of every fucking offensive lineman on Alabama. They were fucking unreal. Anyways, they're on like their own six or five yard line. He, Johnny football throws the thing like 50 yards, 13 catches it, stiff arms. The dude covering them and runs the rest of the way. A fucking like 96 yard touchdown.

And now all of a sudden it's 42 35. It's like, what the fuck? Here come the goddamn Aggies. And they're right when you think they're going to tie it up. This might go into overtime. Fucking Alabama scores 49, 49 35 and then fucking Aggies come back 49 42. And then that was it. And it was fucking over that.

How many? Tell me what is that seven? Seven to 13 touchdowns. 13 touchdowns. The Aggies had over 600 yards in offense and still lost the game. I don't know. It was on. It was an unbelievable, unbelievable game.

You owe it to yourself at some point. You got to go to call the station, go take in an Aggie game. We didn't have time to hang out the Dixie chicken and all those places that look cool as hell. Because we had to catch the fucking bus going back. And all right, as great as the bus was going back. It was an absolute shit show. I mean, coming up, it was great going back. It was an absolute fucking shit show.

First of all, we get back to the thing. You know, where we're supposed to meet and everybody's breaking open brews. And at this point I'm done with drinking, you know, because I'm going to fucking fall asleep and I want to watch this fight. And I'm sitting there and then this, this, this lady comes up to me and she starts talking to my buddy and he said something really nice about his. She asked him a question and he said something really nice about his wife. Like, or she just said, what do you think about all these Aggie girls out here?

And he goes, ah, you know, I'm married. I love my wife. I don't really look, but blah, blah, blah. And then she goes, good answer. Like all of a sudden, like he has to fucking get her fucking approval. And immediately I'm just like, cunt, cunt. You know, when you got to whisper it, cunt, right? What a fucking good answer.

It's like, and then another thing too is nobody's talking to you. Just come fucking walking up. Right. So she says to me, what are you doing here? I said, oh, you know, I'm just hanging out with my friends. We came out. She goes, oh, is this, is this your little, is this your little guys weekend out? Right.

I'm just like looking at it. I just looked. I was like, no, no, no, it isn't. Who are you? Get the fuck out of here. You know. I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, let's fuck out of here.

You know, then she went over and she started throwing a football and she could throw a football. So I think that I shouldn't have whispered cunt. She's cunt. She's not a cunt. Right. She can throw a football. She's just, there's got to be something that's all right with her.

Right. So anyways, so this guy on the way up on the bus, like 30 year old guy from Alabama was a cool guy, funny guy and all that. Now he's completely loaded and is one of the biggest jerk offs you're ever going to meet in your fucking life. And immediately he's like, you hanging here at college station, you hanging here, you going to hang, come on, you want to hang. Cause it was two buses, the early one and the next one left for another four hours.

Come on, man, let's hang here at college station. We want to hang here at college station. And I'm like, no, I'm on the early bus. And all I'm thinking is thank God this fucking jackass is not on the early bus. Cause I don't know what happened to him cause he was a great guy in the way up. Shut the shit with them almost for like the whole fucking ride up. We were all taught his group and our group was totally cool, but I don't know this fucking guy, one of those guys add alcohol and he becomes a completely different person.

So now we got to go meet this booze bus back. There's a bunch of people I know it's going to be packed and who comes walking up this fucking shit bird. Right. Well, you know, no one else is hanging out. So we're taking the bus. Right. We get on the bus.

I sit down, Verzy sits next to me and this fucking jerk off and his buddy, his buddy was cool. They sit right across from us. It's sort of diagonal. So immediately what I do, cause it's pitch black out, it's sun's gone down. I just close my eyes and I act like I'm sleeping cause I'm like, I'm not making contact with that fucking shit show. Right.

And our other buddy sitting right in front of us and this fucking guy, I'm telling you, the whole ride back would not shut up. And he's just yelling A and M 12th man. I'm sure you guys were quiet as hell after a couple of touchdowns. Then he just starts saying, I'd suck a dick. I don't know why. I don't know what spawned it. He just kept going, I'll tell you, I'd suck a dick.

I would suck a dick right now if I could fuck and he would name somebody famous. He's playing that game. Would you fuck Kathy Bates if you could fuck? I'll tell you, I would suck a dick. Now I'm not talking about a hermaphrodite. I ain't doing no licky, licky, sticky, sticky, like this wouldn't, I know this sounds funny, but it wasn't. It was like old people, a couple rows up.

And at one point this girl got up, this lady gets up to go to the bathroom and he does this. Whoa. Hey, you know, like this. And all of a sudden I felt like I was like in the accused. Like he was making her uncomfortable in like a fucking sexual way. It was really fucking bad. So, I don't know. I don't even fucking remember.

And then finally, and Verzi keeps going like, I'm going to say something. I'm going to keep saying, I just keep going. Verzi, the guy is a jerk off. Okay. You got a wife, you got kids, you got a house. Okay. When to lose the fight, you're going to lose. All right.

This guy's in our life for another fucking half hour. Just ignore him. And Verzi, I don't know why I don't know. I started to get Verzi finally just said to the guy because he kept buttoning into our conversations. And I would just go, Hey, listen, I'm talking to my friend. You know, I don't want to talk to you or whatever. And then Verzi just goes, Hey, you know, based, based, Verzi basically just told him to shut up. Said, you're being a drunk asshole.

Nobody wants to talk to you. All right. Just shut the fuck up. And all I'm thinking is I have my sneakers off. And if I have to fucking pull these guys apart, I got to run in my socks on a bus. Not that Verzi couldn't handle this guy. This guy was just a drunk idiot. But anyways, and then the guy just turns around and faces front like he's been scolded.

And he shut up. And I'm like, thank God. And we found out afterwards people around us were like, thank God you said that shit. But then I don't know what happened. And he just started back up again. And one of my other friends started talking to the guy and then he started going again. You know, I'd suck a dick. Hey, would you fuck blah, blah, blah.

He was a fucking moron. Tell you what I need. I need a loose horn, some Mexican food. These are direct quotes. I'm telling you, there's these two old, this cute old couple, like two seats in front of them. It was, it was an absolute fucking shit show. And by the time we get off the bus, it's like, I don't even want to, I don't even want to go to the fight. I'm so over people at this point.

But with, and then of course we get back late. We can't find where we were staying at the Sheridan or whatever we finally get back to the Sheridan. We go up, don't even shower. Just put on some remotely respectable fucking clothes. And we run downstairs to catch the shuttle where we're going to go see the fight is like 11 miles away. And the shuttle will only go in a five mile radius. So we go, fuck, all right, call a cab, call a cab. The guy calls a cab, never calls, comes, he calls another cab.

It never fucking comes. And at that point I'm looking over at the bar, the hotel bar, and they're serving food. And I just say, there's four of us. And I say, one of the guys, I go, look, I go, I'm done, man. I'm just going to get a case of D and go to bed. Just fuck it. So Verzi and the other dude are looking at like, what the fuck, come on, we got to make this happen. And then the other guy, I just don't name names in the podcast.

The Hall of Famous Friends is like, yeah, dude, that's what I'm doing. So we go saddle up to the bar and it was fucking hilarious. We're sitting at the bar. Now we're done. Our day's done. We're just going to get something to eat, maybe get a drink. And we're going to go upstairs and go to fucking sleep. But if we, if we look to the right, we see the TV with the highlights and the scores.

But if we look to the left, we can see into the lobby and I see Verzi and my other buddy, and they are still in the anxiety of trying to get to the fight. So I say to the dude, I'm sitting at the bar with, I go, you know what's funny? That over there, and I was pointing to Verzi in the lobby, is going to become way more entertaining than this shit on the TV in about five minutes. And sure enough, Verzi starts flipping out. I swear to God, he must have said Sheridan, like 58 fucking times. He just kept going like, I won't, we're at a Sheridan.

How can you not get a cab at a Sheridan? This is a Sheridan. This is a Sheridan. I don't understand this. How do you not get a cab at a Sheridan? And then he walks over to the bar and he's leaning in between me and the other dude, just going, I don't understand, we're at a Sheridan. He's drunk.

So they're sitting there and they walk back and forth like 58 times, trying to get the guy at the front desk to get a cab that will show up, but for some reason they're not showing up. So fine, and then I'm like, Paul, just fuck it, to rap, sit down and get some food. He goes, no, fuck that, fuck that, this is one of the best fights of the year and I'm going to miss it, I want to see it live. I want to see it live. I just never been at a Sheridan where you couldn't get a cab.

So now the cab doesn't show up 20 fucking minutes later or whatever. We got a couple of drinks in front of us and my fucking burger shows up with the French fries. I got a Coke. The other guy's got, I don't know, he had a salad with some chicken or some shit. And Verzi at this point, he's like invading my space. He's literally becoming like that jerk off on the bus. I suck at dick, except he's going, we're at a Sheridan. How do you not get a cab at a Sheridan?

He's fucking leaning on the bar and all that. My food finally comes and before the plate even hits the fucking bar, he goes, hey, can I get one of those French fries? And I looked at him and I was so fed up with people. I looked at him, I said, you know what, no, no, you can't. And then the lady goes, the kitchen closes in five minutes. I go, Paul, just order a cheeseburger. And he goes, no, I'm going to this fight.

And then he sits down on the other side of the guy and he just looks at me. He goes, you know what, that was fucked up. That was fucked up what you just did there, right? He goes, if I had some French fries, you wouldn't have to ask me. And he minds grabbing like two huge handfuls. I'd go here, I'd go here, take these. Take these. And I'm like, Verzi, you were leaning on food.

I don't lean over people's food. What the fuck can you not get a cab and a sheriff? So finally I look at them and I just go, you guys realize you have a rental car sitting out there in the parking lot. I don't know if you're too drunk to drive, but if you're not drunk enough to drive, the fight hasn't started enough, just go jump in the car and drive down the fucking street. So they go, fine, that's the plan. So the other guy goes up to look for the keys.

He's up there for like 20 minutes. And I'm polishing off the burger. And Verzi is telling me that, you know, what a piece of shit friend I am. And at one point I go, Paul, I didn't, look, you're like an athlete who doesn't know when to end his career. It's over. We're not going to see the fight. It's fucking over.

You know, so they tries to order a fucking cheeseburger and by then the kitchen's closed. Then they find another place that's within five miles that they can see the fight. So they run up to the front desk and they go, ah, the guy who drives the shuttle just went home. And Verzi is fucking losing his mind. And that guy upstairs could not find his keys to the rental car. Dude, it was a shit. It was one of the most, it was almost as entertaining as the game,

watching those two guys trying to get to the fight. And they finally find the, oh, the guy I was sitting with had to go up and find the fucking keys. He finds the keys. And then they decide they're going to jump in the rental car to go watch the last half of the fight. And they're like, you sure you don't want to go? And I'm like, dude, I am paying for this and I'm going to go upstairs and I'm fucking going to sleep. And, uh, and that's exactly what I do. I go upstairs, me and the other dude, we go upstairs and we're just laughing our asses off.

And those two fucking guys jump in a car to go find this fight at like a Dave and Buster's or whatever. So whatever, they went to some ESPN zone place and they go there and they don't have the fight. So the whole thing was a fucking wash. I'm laying in bed, right? Just about ready to fall asleep, just laughing my ass off and just thinking what a great game it was, what a wonderful drive it was and all that stuff, right? What a great weekend.

And all of a sudden my phone buzzes and I get this picture and underneath it, it says pussies. And I fucking look at the picture and it's a picture of Paul Verzi with a mug of beer. You can't even see his face. He's sucking it down. And I laughed and I just texted him back, don't get arrested because I'm going to have to get out basically fucking bail you out. And then I fell asleep. I fall asleep and like three hours later, I think I started dreaming about chainsaws out of nowhere. And then I fucking woke up and Verzi is in the bed next to me.

He's in the other twin there and he is fucking snoring at an Olympic level. So I'm wake on Verzi. Verzi. And he's like that. And I'm just like, Verzi, I'm fucking kicking the bed. And he's like, and I'm like, dude, dude, you're snoring. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Right. And then two seconds later, like immediately would fall back to sleep and sound like, I don't know, like someone was choking a fucking warthog. So I'm sitting over there. I'm making like a pillow sandwich with my fucking head trying to block him out. And he swears that he heard me yell motherfucker. I don't remember saying that, but I kept falling asleep and then waking back up to this fucking jackass. I really have sympathy for every housewife out there. If your husband snores like that.

Right. So I fucking, I went into my bag and I got earplugs out that I wear on the plane or whatever, jam those things in there. And then, you know, there's like four pillows to a bedhead, two on one side, two on the other. And I, you know, it's impossible. It was possible to put myself in a headlock. I would have to try and block my ears. And I don't say layers, woke up the next, when I woke up in the morning, he was already gone. He had an early flight.

And at that point, of course, we were laughing about the French fry. He's still pissed. He's still pissed. And on some level is questioning my level of loyalty to him. And I don't give a shit. All right. That's the deal. I would never, if you're listening to this, Paul, I would never hover over your fucking food.

And I would never ask you for any of your fucking food before you had a chance to get bite number one. Okay. This, this etiquette, this etiquette, you don't show up to picture. All right. You don't sit on somebody else's motorcycle. You don't play somebody else's drums without asking them. There's all kinds of stuff. All right.

You don't tell some, you don't, you don't criticize about way somebody parents their own kid. You don't do that. And for the, and you don't fucking take somebody's French fry. You don't fucking do that before the plate even hits. How dare you? How dare you Paul Versey? You weren't raised right. All right.

I fucking stand by that. And any other piece of shit out there that defends him. You know what? Go eat with Versey. You're not welcomed at my table. All right. Here we go. I haven't gotten into the fucking, I haven't gotten into the, the letters for this week.

Well, that's what happens. You go to Texas. You're going to have the biggest podcast ever. E voice everybody. If you're an entrepreneur and a customer calls, do you want to seem like you're in a high-rise window view fancy pants office? Or do you want them to know you're sitting in your, there in your underwear with E voice? You can create the appearance of an entire building sales customer support tech support. You name it.

The person on the other end of the line, they're not going to know what you're doing. Give your customers the royal treatment with E voice. E voice will forward business calls to your home mobile or any number you choose wherever you are. E voice will find you. Don't have time to make a call. Don't. Oh, sorry. Don't have time to take a call.

It's routed to your voicemail. No worries. And you can read it at your convenience as an email. E voice not only gives you an edge over your competitors, it takes away the edge. The big companies have over you right now. And that is huge. Ladies and gentlemen. And right now you can try E voice for free for 30 days.

How do you do it? Go to E voice.com or just click go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the E voice banner. I hope you do it. Good luck starting your own business. All right, legal zoom. A lot of pride comes along with starting your dream business. But think about the stress you'll feel if you don't take the right steps to legally protect your business and personal assets from the beginning. That's why I recommend legal zoom.com.

During the past 12 years, over a million business owners have trusted legal zoom to help start their businesses. Legal zoom will save you a lot of time and pile of money on startup costs. Plus they'll provide solutions to help you run a successful business. Legal zoom can provide self help services at your specific specific direction or connect you with an attorney, but they are not a legal law firm. Just go to legal zoom.com today to see what's right for you. Form an LLC, get a DBA, incorporate or form a nonprofit, all starting at just $99 a month. You can't beat that. Plus you'll save even more when you enter BRR in the referral box at checkout.

Please don't forget to do that. That's legal zoom.com promo code BRR one more time. Legal zoom.com promo code BRR. All right, there you have it. So those are my Texas stories. This has been the Texas Diaries, everybody. And it's bummed us. I can't say bumped now knowing that that means ass raped in England as sodomized as I felt.

It's disappointed as I was that we didn't get to do the show in El Paso. The upside is I get to go to that wonderful part of the country again. And I think what I'm going to do this time is I'm going to do the show and I'm actually going to do a road trip the other way. I might drive out to Albuquerque, New Mexico where they they shot the unbelievable show Breaking Bad. I got to do a few episodes of that. And but they also shot one of my favorite movies of all time, No Country for Old Men. And I want to drive around and look at some of those shooting locations like the Motel where they shoot brought they killed Josh Brolin and all of that type of stuff. I am converted.

I the Southwest. All of that stuff is some of the most beautiful scenery you can ever see right up through Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, all those places they fucking make fun of man. I'm telling you, they're unbelievable. And my apologies to that guy. I'm going to try to get his email from my other guy helps me with my podcast. I get to try to smooth shit over with him because I feel bad about that. All right. Here we go.

Let's read some stuff. All right, character assassination. Hello, Billy. I'm a freshman in the university over in England, and everything is good in the world apart from one small annoyance. I have just gotten in from a night out on the town. I just got in from a night on the town and it's 7am. I experienced something that I feel I need to ask you about and I'd love the advice you give and I love the advice you give so feel and so feel you're the best person to ask. All right, granted, you're hammered and you're writing this at seven in the morning.

Okay. I've been at the university for five days and everyone is getting on really well. I have been the guy that cracks the jokes and make sure everyone is included and make sure everyone comes out to drink every night. This evening, a new guy moved into my flat and immediately the group dynamic changed. He seemed to be very sure of himself and it felt as though he believed he was better than us. He constantly made remarks about the lack of girls in the group and at a general air of complacency. To put a long story short, he tried to humiliate me in front of everyone. He made me feel little by making a big deal out of a remark I made sarcastically.

I said that I had a cousin who was quite attractive. I was clearly joking but he made it his mission to say it was incestuous and because I'm from Wales he suggested that I have sexual intercourse with sheep. Oh, you guys are the ones who get that out there. A well-known Welsh stereotype but is potentially true. He wrote with a little smiley wink face. I sensed that the entire room knew I was joking and found it strange that he made such a big deal out of it but due to his highly confident, almost cocky personality they were scared to argue with. Well, you got to nip that in the butt. Yeah, you got to step to that guy immediately.

Be like, dude, it's just a joke. Why do you keep talking about it? Do you secretly want to fuck a sheep? So you're trying to put it on me because your dick gets a little hard as you're talking about it? Are you fucking weirdo? Just so you got to come at that guy. You know, you don't have to do like, dude, you say that again, you fucking knock your teeth down, you fucking throw it. You don't have to go there yet. You don't have to, alright? Anyways, let's move on here.

I sensed the entire room, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I explained myself for several minutes and he continued to make a big deal out of nothing and I feel most of the room agreed with me. Yeah, you were giving him, like, to a guy like that, that's a sign of weakness. If you keep explaining where he goes, nah, I think you want to fuck a sheep. No, no, it was a joke. No, I was just, I thought, I thought, I thought he said, you are a spider. You become a spider here. You can't do that. I felt like the best course of action was to punch him as hard as I could in the face. Alright, I liked that. Good move.

I understood the urge to punch him and I removed myself from the situation and as I have a feeling that the best way to deal with shitty people is to avoid them. Well, depends on, well, if avoiding him means not hanging out with the friends that you're making, you have to address it. Now, you don't need to punch him in the face, so I'm just joking. The problem was that most of the room came with me as they felt I was in the right, thus isolating him on his first night. This is not what I wanted to happen. Dude, you got to stop being a people pleaser. You got to stop being a cunt and he needs to sit there and think about it. He said, this is not what I wanted to happen as the first night in university is the hardest and I didn't want to be the cause of his lonesomeness, even though it was somewhat self-inflicted, somewhat self-inflicted. It was totally self-inflicted, sir.

He go, this made him dislike me more and as we left to go out drinking in the night clubs, he came up to me and locked me in the eyes and said, I hate you. But this guy is just an insecure cunt. He goes, I did not handle it as I was not set out to make enemies and he seemed to want to hate me. I just say, all right, well, cool, all right. Well, we got that over quick. Enjoy your time at the university. We don't have to be friends. Have a nice evening. He goes, I feel like I've tried to be nice, but he has beef with me. Don't be nice to this guy. Fuck this guy. Because my question for you is, would you have left the room when the guy tried to humiliate you or would punching him be the best option? All right, at this age, I wouldn't have left the room and I would have given him shit and I wouldn't have punched him in the face. At your age, I probably would have let him roll all over me, bully me and then would have for some reason become friends with him and let him treat me like shit for the next five years of my fucking life.

That's what I would have done at your age. So that's basically what you shouldn't avoid this guy. You shouldn't take any shit from this guy. This guy has got a lot of issues. He probably has a bad father or home situation and he's basically in the beginnings of going out into the world and taking out his childhood on other people. So the only way he can do that to you is if you allow him to. You don't need to be friends with someone like that. What you do need to do is you need to draw a line and that guy has to respect the fact that he can't get out of line with you. All right, so if he comes up and says I hate you, just be like, hey, you know, well, you know, it's not like I can do about that. Have a nice evening. And he's like, yeah, I really fucking hate you and just be like, listen, dude, do you have a problem? Is this something, you know, if you're going to do something, do what the fuck you feel you need to do or get the fuck out of my face and just leave it at that because he's not going to throw a punch.

Maybe he comes up and says, I hate you. He sounds like a fucking seventh grader. And it sounds like you have it in you to punch somebody in the face. So, you know, and if you already know that about yourself, you don't have to prove it again. So don't don't go with violence, man. That's just that's stupid advice. Just when he comes up and says, I hate you, just be like, yeah, all right, there's nothing I can do about it. It's unfortunate. What happened? You know, I mean, I don't know what he wants out of you.

But the biggest thing that I've gotten from this, because I can't tell you what to do because I'd have to know a lot more about the situation as to how to handle that guy. But the biggest thing I got out of this is your need to try and make things better and be a people pleaser with someone who doesn't deserve that. You sound like a really nice guy. All right. And you know what happens to nice guys? They attract assholes because people who don't tolerate assholes, they can't get in there. So some of the biggest cunts in the world hang out with some of the nicest fucking people in the world who don't know how to stick up for themselves in certain situations. So this is what I've told a couple of people in my life. Make somebody earn how nice a person you are.

Don't just be giving it away and just being nice to everybody. This guy hasn't earned it. So fuck him. All right. Fuck that guy. Don't take any shit from him. But don't let him, don't allow that guy to make you mad. Yeah. And then you throw a punch and then you got issues at school because this guy's a cunt and he had a bad dad. Fuck that. Fuck that. If he comes up and says he hates you again, just like, dude, I got it. You already said that. I understand you don't like me. So get out of my face and get on with not liking me. All right. If you really didn't like me, you wouldn't be coming up to me. So why don't you prove to me how much you don't like me?

Don't listen to what I say. Everything I say always escalates into a fucking rolling around on the floor kind of thing. I hope something in there helped you. All right. Hiroshima and documentary to check out. Dear Billy Vaughn Reddington. Bill, I am an American living in Hiroshima teaching English. It's a great gig where I get to meet a lot of the locals and teach them how to pronounce things the way we do. My dad was in the army, so I grew up learning a lot about American history, especially military history, since it was such a big part of our lives being in a military family and all.

I'm a huge fan, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He writes, and I am happy to hear that you are getting into World War history in a big way. The last few weeks in the M.M. Podcasts have almost been weird as you are discovering a lot of the same things I did about our past and about how the modern world came to be. When I was a kid, World War II aviation, especially in the Pacific, had a profound effect on me. And the book Fly Boys was the first time I ever read about shit going down in the Philippines and how we got all these overseas territories in Puerto Rico and Guam and all of that. Before that, I was just brought into believing that we were the good guys and everyone else was to blame for everything wrong in the world. Also, I have to agree with the last person who wrote in that the Dan Carlin Podcast, Ghost of the Ost Front,

I gotta listen to that, Ost Front, O-S-T-F-R-O-N-T everybody, Dan Carlin. It's about the same as George Carlin, C-A-R-L-I-N, Ghost of the Ost Front, O-S-T-F-R-O-N-T, all one word. From the hardcore history was life changing. The fucking Russians lost between 20 and 40 million people and many of those were civilians. We lost a half million in the whole war. There is a saying that World War II was one with British intelligence, American steel, and Russian blood. Wow, man. Jesus Christ, that's a sacrifice and a half, huh?

Under statement of the year. I gotta listen to that. This could not be more true, he's saying about that expression. After the war when we went to rebuilding Western Europe and the Russians basically occupied everything to make sure this shit never happened again. Let me read that sentence in a better way. After the war we went to rebuilding Western Europe and the Russians basically occupied everything to make sure that this shit never happened again. Alright, now the Cold War, from the Russian side, makes total sense to me and I think it will to you after you listen to the podcast. And also, I know you mentioned that you hate ancient shit before cowboys and Indians,

but you have to check out the podcast also from Dan Collin called Death Throws of the Roman Republic. Oh dude, listen, if someone's gonna tell me about it, I can listen to anything, but to sit down and read it, my brain doesn't work like that. It just goes, why don't we go get a beer, man? Why are we reading all this heavy stuff, man? Ancient Rome, you see, used to be a democracy before the Roman Empire and it faced a lot of the same problems. Jesus Christ, are we actually learning things here? My God. Alright, stay with me people, I got a little more to read here.

Ancient Rome used to be a democracy before it became a Roman Empire and it faced a lot of the same problems we faced today before it ultimately became an empire rather than a democracy. Oh Jesus, that sounds familiar. You see, there were two groups in Ancient Rome that basically ran shit. The publicanis, I hope I said that right, who were rich and conservative and the populace, the populace who sought power through gaining the support of the poor. Oh my God. So basically, this is their Fox News and CNN. And ultimately, it was this struggle that led to the Imperial Rome. Check it out.

Last one here, you need to check out Fog of War. It's a documentary free on YouTube that won the Oscar back in 2004, I think. It's about Robert S. McNamara, who was most famous for being Secretary of Defense during the Cuban Missile Crisis in Vietnam. Before all that, he was a statistician in World War II. He was one of the guys who crunched the numbers to see how much destruction could be caused by daylight bombing in Germany and later in Japan. In this documentary, he points out that by firebombing Japan, we killed more civilians in Tokyo in one night than we did in the bombing of Hiroshima. And that's also amazing when you read that flyboy's book, because you just realized that, you know, because I always learned that we were trying to demonstrate our dominance. That's why we ended up dropping the bombs that we didn't need to.

But like when you see how their people were taught that we were devils, had tails, had green blood, and we were going to eat them if we won. And when we approached the civilians, they would throw their babies off cliffs and jump off, too. That, I mean, we were going to have to lose way more people. I don't know, there's an argument for both sides. It's nuts. It's crazy. And it's nuts that there's actually rules in war and that it's somehow legal. Anyways, the bomb looms still to this day in the town of Hiroshima, and there is an overwhelming belief that it should not have been used no matter what. Yeah, of course. Absolutely. You'd think that they would think that, you know, and over here we'd be like, well, you know, we're going to lose a lot of guys.

But here they seem to miss a few things. First of all, a land invasion would have resulted in a million more Japanese dead since they would not surrender and were told that the Americans would eat them and their families. Yeah, we read the same book. Second, if we had blockaded the island rather than invade or drop the A-bond, millions would have starved to death. And last of all, and most often overlooked, is if the Allies had invaded Japan, then Russia would have invaded too. And just like in Europe, we would have given a large part of Japan to rule over. So Northern Japan could have been like North Korea if we had dropped the bombs. I'm not a hippie and I'm not writing from some idea that America is evil and our enemies did nothing wrong,

but it is amazing to see how much was going on from all sides, good and bad, and it gives a richer, fuller version of what actually was going on all over the world at the time. Exactly. That's why I love reading that book. I like, you know, that's why I kind of like listening to people trash the Patriots. What is your viewpoint of this? How do you look at it? You know, you got to listen to some of that, right? Anyways, love the podcast. Come to Hiroshima to the bomb museum sometimes for a pretty sobering history. Keep up. I'll definitely do that someday. Keep it up and most of all, go fuck yourself. All right. It's probably the most intelligent thing that's ever been uttered.

Of course, it was written by somebody else. All right, I'm plowing through all of this people. We've got a couple more to go. Henry Kissinger. Dear Billy Westwinds. Oh, Billy West, the great voiceover guy. One of the voices of Ren and Stimpy. I mean, you might have done both, right? Stimpy, you idiot. You don't deserve to live. Okay. I'm sorry. Terrible impression. Do you know how evil Kissinger is? The man is a war criminal.

He carpet bombed Cambodia, oversaw the coup in Chile that practically destroyed their great nation, jacked off to the dropping of Agent Orange all over Vietnam. Okay, this is very slanderous, sir. He's pure evil. He's a Zionist who believes in ethnic cleansing and is gone on record promoting policy that promote depopulation. Not the, hey, everyone, hey, everyone's cool. What? Not the, hey, everyone, cool it on the fucking depopulation. More like, let's get guys to fight those guys. Both sides will have civilians die and go hungry.

I think you've left out some words in that. He goes, I'm Jewish. I love Jews, the good ones. I love all people, no matter their religion. I've been to Israel and believe it is a beautiful and moving place, but the state of Israel is pure evil, not the people, the government. My father worked for a company that did business with the Israeli government. That's all I can say about his business, but I can say that he was privy to some insane things, the type of things that make you lose sleep.

The main objective in almost all policy he saw was to create money and wealth for a few families, for the few families that run Israel. True Judaism and love for the religion is almost obsolete when you get high enough in power. Yeah, that's kind of true everywhere. Kind of all goes out the window once you get to that eyes wide shut level. The heads of the state use Judaism as a way of silencing anyone who questions their actions, where we use support the troops. Call someone an anti-Semite and see how quickly they shut up.

Call a Jew an anti-Zionist and it's the same thing, they shut up. Us Jews have suffered, but so have lots of people who can't be quantified into that group. Anyways, fuck Kissinger. All right, well, I guess I have some reading up on to do on that. That's one man's opinion. But I mean, it just, it doesn't at all just, when you start reading about it, it all just seems to be the same story over and over again, because we really are all the same. And I think that, like, you know, just once you go beyond a certain level of power,

I think there's maybe a handful of people in the world that can handle it. And the rest of us start to feel like we're Godlike. And we start summoning people to come in and give us blowjobs. Drinking wine out of some yak's bladder, whatever the fuck, they did that. That's disgusting. All right, last but not least, I probably shouldn't fuck her. Hey there, Kubi the freckle-faced kid. Hey, how cool was it last week when they gave my character a first name?

I don't want to ruin anything, but I was sitting there on pins and needles watching that stuff. And by the way, if you're up to date, I'm not going to ruin anything on Breaking Bad. But I'm asking this people outside the United States, because I don't know of any United States show that has ever been better than Breaking Bad. My stomach has been an absolute nuts watching the show. And each week it just keeps getting ratcheted higher and higher. Like last night's episode was like one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen. And if you live in another country, okay, and you know of a show, if you've watched all of Breaking Bad

and you know of a show that you think is on par, or dare I say better, I want to know what it is. And I don't care if there's no subtitles, I will sit down and just view it. Because what they've done with the second half of this fifth season, I've never seen anything like it in my 40 years of sitting in front of the idiot box. I could actually say it's not an idiot box anymore when there's something like that on TV. It's just unbelievable. And if you're late to the party, by all means, when all five seasons come out, you owe it to yourself to download them, buy them, and don't blow through them.

Okay, it's a fine wine. Open a bottle at night. Sit there with your friends and discuss it. It's incredible. I mean, a lot of the stuff that we're talking about as far as people handle in power, you know, it's unreal. It's unfucking believable. Anyways, last one, here we go. People have asked me about the Saul Goodman spinoff.

I know as much as you guys know, I just heard it's going to be a prequel. So if it's a prequel, I would feel that that's years before... I don't know if he gets to Albuquerque and people have been asking if I'm going to be on it. I have no idea. I hope so. I have no idea. But whether I am or whether I'm not, I'm watching every episode. Anyway, if it's a prequel, shouldn't I come in at like the very last one?

And then we all move to Albuquerque? See that right there? That's why I don't write. That's a terrible idea. Sorry. Anyways, I probably shouldn't fuck her. It's the last one here. Hey there, Kubi, the freckled face.

I need some help. So this is crazy broad at my job, who I'm 99% sure I could fuck if I asked directly. Now I feel free to think this because she isn't exactly top shelf trim, but she's certainly worth trying a shot if it's free. I got to tell you, dude, that's one of the biggest lies in the universe. It's never free. There's never been a free, there's never been a free piece ever in the history. It all comes with a price.

All right? It all does, especially when you're trying to bang somebody you're working with. Right there, you're shitting where you're eating. You take, that could go very bad very quickly. He goes, I've worked with her for about two years and for a while she was putting on what seemed to be a pretty strong press, excessive hanging out at my desk, finding random ways to mess with me, laughing at anything I do, you know, office flirty bullshit. Well, maybe she likes you.

She might actually like you. See, this is the way guy looks at her. She wants to suck my dick. Right? So she's going to be sitting there thinking you're making love and you're like, can I come in your mouth? Right? And then you treat her like I'm telling you, that's how shit starts.

So anyways, then I launched a passive attempt to smash. Told her we should get drinks. Oh no, dude. Just the way you talk about women and the, which is hilarious coming from me, but the way and totally hypocritical, the way you talk about women. And like this, this is not going to end well. I told her we should get drinks. We went out to catch a movie after work, but didn't make a major move because of fear of

her having a story to tell the office about rejecting me very smart. Nothing happened and things cooled way off. Long story short, since then she's exhibited advanced signs of female dementia. Well, before I go any further, I'm going to guess that because you, you didn't make a move. She thought that, oh, he went out to see what kind of a person I am and was expecting maybe a follow up date. And when it didn't happen, that's sending her the signal that you didn't, you didn't

like something about her. So maybe now that's why she's distant. I don't know. He said the worst one being an incident where she invited me to hang out with her and I taught her how to rip a bond. All right, this went a whole different direction, totally different direction. She got unreasonably high and wound up locking herself in the bathroom, calling her mom to now she invited me over, got high and was worried I was going to take advantage of her.

Her mom was about to call the cops, but she did stop her for what it's worth. I'm six, five, 200 pound black guy and she's a small Asian girl. So I really saw it bad into that storyline. Oh Jesus Christ, absolutely. So we are now back to normal with her being a 200 proof bottle of crazy and me wondering crazy to good pussy. Positive correlation holds true. That's fucking hilarious.

If I figure she can't get any crazier. And if I just asked directly, we can eliminate the chance of confusion and calls to the police. Am I totally insane for still wanting to fuck this girl? Thanks and go fuck yourself, bitch. All right. I hope there's women listening to this. Because right now, because you don't have a dick, you're probably, and this is why you think guys are so dumb. And I want you the same way this guy was talking about World War two from the other perspective.

You got to look at having a dick from the other perspective with, I swear to God, empathy. Now I'm going to pause while you roll your eyes, ladies. But this is how powerful having a dick is. This is how much it runs your life. Like the amount of shit that just got shot across the bow of this guy's dick. Okay. And he's still thinking like, nah, I think I can make it. What if I just said, hey, you want to fuck?

And we just fucked. I could somehow get this urge out of me and then I could then go back to work. You know what's funny, sir, is the fact that if you fuck this girl and if it is as good as you think it's going to be, like you're going to be able to go back, you know, to work and where you're never going to bang again. You already know this girl is fucking nuts. All right. I'm removed from the situation. I'm a senior so I don't have any desire for you.

I could tell you 100 fucking percent. Do not repeat. Do not fuck this girl. Stand down, sir. Abort. What other other military rub one out before you go to work. Okay. Go out.

You know what? Go out and find some other crazy fucking woman that you don't have to see at work. Okay. That's it. That's it. All right. Do not do it. Yeah.

You're not totally insane for fucking this woman. If you didn't have a dick, you would be, but you do have a dick. So I understand because God knows I've made never ending mistakes with my dick. Trust me. All right. And by the time you figure out your dick, women don't want to fuck you anymore anyways. So it's pointless. So I'm trying to fucking fast forward you to where the hell I'm at.

Hour and 30 minute podcasts. This might be one of the longest ones ever. All right. That's the podcast this week, everybody. Before I do the little wrap up here, I want to just let you guys know where I'm going to be this week. Hang on a second. Hang on. Hang on.

Hang on. Bill. Ah, you cunt. I can't even type with two hands. Forget about one finger. All right. Official website. I know I'm going to be.

I'm going to be in West Virginia, Pittsburgh and Toronto this weekend. This week, I should say. So let's see if I can get the... All right. On September 18th, the fuck out of here. I got to fly out to Wednesday? No. Jesus Christ.

I really have no fucking life. All right. Evidently on September 18th, I'm going to be at Keith Albee Theatre provided there's no rain. Whatever the fuck could happen. What could happen provided nobody still blows up near the fucking venue and lights it on fire. I'll be at the Keith Albee Theatre on the 18th. On the 19th, I'm doing West Virginia University. Yeah.

In Morgantown, West Virginia. On the 20th, I'm doing Heinz Hall for the Performing Arts in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Heinz Hall. And then on the 21st, I'm doing Queen Elizabeth Theatre, Toronto, Ontario. That is it. In the following week, September 28th, I'm doing the Chicago Theatre for two shows. First one is sold out. The second one is almost there.

For the love of God, get your ass down to the show. All right. And with that, let's do the old wrap up here. The old wrap up. Where the hell is it? Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial on Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com

and click the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com slash bill. That's huluplus.com slash bill. That's the podcast this week. Thank you everybody for listening. I apologize to everybody in El Paso. It was an act of God. There was nothing I could do about it. I'm definitely coming back.

We're going to get that make update as soon as we can. I don't give a shit if I have to come there 50 times. I'm doing a show there. All right. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Cook mee with your Maidelaise app.

From now on, you can find recipes that are easy to make and easy to buy. For those of you who are interested in something else, or who like classical food. Oh yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese with a lot of meat. Download the Maidelaise app and cook mee. Yeah, great. Delaysen. Join us live.