Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-17-18

Episode Date: September 17, 2018

Bill rambles about football, Pompeii, and The Charleston.

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How's it going? How are you? What's up with you? How was your football Sunday? I know what's going on with me. I felt like I had a cold now. I don't know what I have and my wife's like, well, maybe you have allergies It's like, I don't have allergies. I've never had allergies in my life and she's just like, well... Sometimes there's late, on-set allergies and she's got me thinking I have allergies. I never...

I thought allergies for people who had inferior DNA just like weak people like the kind of puppy that the mother ignores and just lets die doesn't let her get any milk but we're human beings and everybody's special so you keep these people going and then they just walk around constant state of listening to their nasally voices God, did somebody eat lobster in the last month and then you got to like fucking vaccinate your house, whatever it is

defumigate your house because somebody with allergies comes by you know? But evidently, I'm one of those people you know? My mom should have ignored me. Who knew? Who knew? Maybe I have late, on-set... Who the fuck gets allergies at 50? Funny about all you other non-medical people out there, right now what are you doing? You listen to this podcast and now you're googling this shit

Everybody's just addicted to them, I can get the answer right now Do you ever consider the source? Not to mention the fucking guy who's looking for the information being you, not having a fucking medical degree, all of a sudden you're like some doctor I do it all the time, that's why I got a nutritionist because I was trying to learn about food, I just couldn't figure it out Everybody just, you know, had a conflicting opinion it was like these goddamn feminists and the guys with the date-right drug

they just can't seem to get on the same page No, it's like Democrats, Republicans, you know what I mean? They all agree on what the problems are and they're just sitting there pointing fingers at each other These fucking people in the food industry, it's the same thing You know, I got the fucking Giants Cowboys game on and there's some fucking asshole he literally is sitting on the field at a little two-top table

How much are those tickets? These guys are running around fucking smashing their brains out, right? And it's an incomplete pass and the guy puts his hands up like, where's the flag? Sitting there like fucking Julius Caesar! What is he? See a high-ranking official at the Home Depot corporate office? Can you imagine like the jobs that we have nowadays? Can you fucking imagine if you just met people from the past and they're just looking at you like, you do what?

What do you do? And we'd all be saying this shit and they'd just be like, they would all be just looking at you, you don't do anything and your wife does what? She what? Like the whole fucking nothing would make sense You know? I wonder if it's gonna be like that in a hundred years like we can actually, you know, if we were still around a couple hundred years

we could just fucking look down on people and what their jobs are because robots are now fucking, I don't know, entering data I don't know people I don't pretend to understand but how did you guys enjoy, how was your second week of football? Mine was, you know, I mean we lost, it wasn't that big a deal though Everyone's gonna make a big deal, you know, Edelman's not back yet It's the second week of the fucking season, you know

You know, what do you, you know, what the fuck? Okay, the fucking Jacksonville, they're all gonna be fucking freaking out Oh my god, we finally beat the Patriots Does this mean we win the Super Bowl? Alright, that's what everybody does Everybody gets all fucking excited Like, you know when you watch an action movie, you know the Rambo guy, is he freaking out?

No, did Chuck Norris freak out? No, you know, if he freaks out the guy's gonna fucking die That's who, so everybody relax, you know Jets fans, how many times are you gonna get, you're gonna let the lazy New York sports media fucking gas up another guy? Alright, he's had two fucking solid weeks He's gone one and one, he's thrown for 300 yards, whatever Fucking both weeks, very impressive, you know

But you don't become a legend in September I know you're hopeful I mean, even the fireman came back What, when did he come back? You guys were such cunts You know, what the fuck is wrong? The Jets fans, Steve, they chased a fireman How long are you cursed for?

Post 9-11 in New York, you chased a fireman out of your own fucking stadium And you got the balls to think that a couple of decent weeks of football Then all of a sudden you're walking down the street talking to the camera Calling out Tom Brady Tom Brady, the man you guys all, we all wanted to be Tom Brady We all wanted to be good looking Be the quarterback, marry a supermodel Have a nice fucking dimple in our chin

Full head of fucking hair, marry I already said that part, right? Fucking win five fucking Super Bowls Get a respectful fucking nod from Joe Montana As you're putting on your yellow fucking jacket, right? We all wanted that Alright Well, guess what?

Despite all these fucking Instagram accounts out there That are telling you you can do anything you want Everybody's fucking special reality is There's only one Tom Brady Alright? So all you green cunts down there, I'm happy for you I'm happy that you're excited But you might want to reel it in a little bit

You know, you ever have a friend of yours every time he fucking meets a chick He thinks that's the one You know, and you just go like I'm not to pick this guy up off the fucking mat again How many times can I sit across from you You should cry it in your fucking beer Alright? When are you just going to fuck abroad and move on?

That's the problem with these Jets fans They're fucking romantics Oh, they fell as Eli right there That's Eli I know Throw him for a touchdown with a minute and a half left Too little, too late, you know They probably let him go right down the field I love listening to people flip out this time of year

You know, I'm actually Okay, I'm taping this Sunday night Alright? I'm going to predict I'm just going to go around the league Look at the scores here I'm going to predict the fucking overhyping Me with my fucking 50 year old allergies

I have allergies I can't I won't allow it I already have a varicose vein I can't fucking compound that with an allergy Anyways, when I had it right here I had the NFL scores, didn't I? Isn't that what happened?

Now, why wouldn't you go for two there? Then you're only down by nine That's just three drives with three field goals You could get back in this game with a minute 28 left He's going to have some fucking questions to answer after this game By people who never got picked in gym class Alright, let's go around the league Here we go

The score is here Alright, this is what my predictions are going to be Alright, the chiefs I mean, I'll tell you right now I see a lot of people coming to the league But this Patrick, my homies, however you say is The Holmes I mean, if he keeps this up

Kansas City will be undefeated And they will win their first Super Bowl since Super Bowl IV And Patrick Cajones is going to have the greatest season ever In the history of the NFL I do have to tell you though If Patrick, my homies, my homies Was fucking doing this shit for the Jets or anywhere in New York Good Lord, they would have declared a fucking state of emergency

Onside kick, the Giants get the ball Look at this Here we go Cowboys are going there Still not enough fucking time left But this is when you as a gambling man You're like, this is fucking fixed, right? Flipping out

Although I think the Giants were favorite Am I wrong? I have no idea They're going to fucking sit there and freak the fuck out Ryan fits Patrick, I mean, the bucket is Jesus fucking Christ at two and all The first time since fucking 2014 Is this going to be their year? I don't know shit about anything at this point

All I can say about the Buccaneers is They're two and all They've scored 75 points And they've led up 61 All right 40 of those fucking points were the goddamn Saints So, you know I don't know

You know fucking win games, 48-40 And shit like that in the playoffs So I would be relaxed with them You know who obviously the most impressive team in the league Is gotta be the fucking Rams This scored 67 points And only led up 13 I know they played the fucking Raiders

They ate bucket, they could do But they did what they were supposed to do They beat the shit out of them After a lot lost their first fucking half Jaguars look good though Anytime you got Tom Coughlin anywhere near it You're going to win They look good

Patriots you know who knows I don't know We'll see We'll see what happens when Edelman comes back We had a couple of fucking injuries I don't believe in the Dolphins Even though they're two and all I feel bad for the Bills

The Chiefs God knows the Chiefs The Chiefs love nothing more than fucking Fucking stroking their fans in September Will their fans finally get to bust a nut Come play off time Or they once again Go home with fucking blue balls

Who else? I think that's fucking it Those are the old Packers I like the Packers, I like the Rams And then I like the direction the Jaguars are going in And the Chiefs, I just too many fucking times They did it last year Everybody gets all fucking excited

And then bop bop bop bop All of a sudden the holidays come along And they all start dressing up like fucking Native Americans You know, they eat too much pumpkin bread And then they just shit the bed in fucking November I have no idea And basically I'm judging the entire franchise And what they've done in the past

Even though they probably have brand new personnel I still believe in John Gruden Despite all these people Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Is it already time for concern? I mean, if they go 0 and 3 Is John Gruden on the hot seat? I know they were winning all day today

And then they lost in the end But this is a fucking franchise That has been fucking lost at sea for a long time I've been impressed with, you know, John Gruden played a great His team played a great first half Against the best team in the league, I think, the fucking Rams The most impressive team so far And, you know, played damn good against the Broncos

Not good enough, long enough or whatever I still believe in this guy So there's my two cents There's my fucking white noise No pun intended The Eli goes DP Incomplete You know what they said

When I was watching the Patriots game? What's his face there? Tony Romo Another fucking gem Another gem It's like going to fly And every time you fly You're gonna learn something, right?

Every time you listen to a game And Tony Romo is doing the color You fucking learn something There was a guy in the Jaguars He had our guy beat And he was running along There was this, you know, run along the sideline What did he call that fucking pattern?

And he was right on the sideline And Tony said if he ran two yards more in Like more towards the field It's such an easier throw for the quarterback He said he actually ran the route wrong And I don't know if he got forced outside But just, you know Tony's also gonna side with the fucking quarterback

But it was so fucking interesting Going, oh yeah, cause then He could maybe throw to the outside of the shoulder And that guy still has a step Or a step and a half to adjust to the ball If you just run right on the sideline The fucking guy's like a half step behind you Now he has to throw a goddamn strike

What is the Eli Manning Into the fucking last drive of a Super Bowl? Alright, enough of that fucking talk It's still really early I called the mind bookie people I picked the Jaguars I talked to Paul Verzi I picked the Lions

His lock of the week was San Francisco And I was like, I don't think I don't think the fucking Lions Are as bad as that first game That's the thing, when you shit the bed The first fucking week Cause you're gonna have a game where you just suck One of your 16 games

You're just gonna come out flat You're just gonna fucking suck But when it happens The first week of the year Everybody looks at like Is this what they're gonna do all year round? Yeah, we get it You made your point

Alright, whatever I picked the Giants I'm gonna lose this one And I had one other one I think I went two and one I went two and one the first week With my bookie And I think I went two and one this week

I call them in every week I call the sports gambling podcast And I give you my picks And my lock of the week Was that somebody was gonna get fired For criticizing the woman That did the play by play And I was fucking wrong

I thought someone was gonna do Someone was gonna fucking Jump on that fish hook And then that was gonna be it Anyways, congratulations To Frank Gore passing Curtis Martin Very quietly The guy's fourth all time

I don't know if you're gonna see Too many more of these guys The way they fucking throw handoffs now The only people in front of them now Is Walter Payton, Barry Sanders And Emmett Smith And I don't think anybody's ever gonna Catch Emmett the way the game has changed

And that's it And there you go There's my fucking take On the whole fucking thing For this week How long did that burn up? Fifteen and a half minutes of your life That you're never gonna get back

Alright, this weekend I am scheduled To be out in Virginia I think those gigs will be good And then I'm in South Carolina I haven't been keeping up too much On the hurricane I just keep seeing

Yeah, hate seeing Who the fuck wants to watch people Losing their houses I don't get Why do I want to watch that? What's the name of it? Hurricane Florence Hurricane Fitzpatrick

Hurricane Florence Hurricane Flojo Hurricane Florence Florence Reeks Havoc In North and South Carolina Alright, so Virginia is okay So I got two gigs there Now this is the hardest thing

After a hurricane happens Is who do you give your money to? You know what I mean? How do I make sure The money that I'm gonna donate Gets to the right fucking Gets to that person I'm seeing on TV By the way, do you see all those people

Getting rescued All those old people People in wheelchairs Fucking broke ass people That's what I was talking about People are gonna get the fuck out of there A lot of them can't A lot of them can't

Oh man, look at that Jesus fucking Christ Do you see that thing that Rogan Fucking posted on Instagram? That guy was He was doing this weird thing He was trying to act like He was leaning into the wind

And it just didn't look real And then two people walked by In the background Like totally normal I love when that fucking happens The best one ever Is when the guy was in the boat And then people just walked by

And then what are you gonna do At that point? Is he gonna get out of the boat? I like the cameraman too How he zoomed in on the guy He tried to do him a solid Must be his drinking buddy Or something like that

So anyways, alright Hurricane Florence Hopefully the waters will recede I don't know, man I don't wanna I don't know I gotta check with my agent To see if the South Carolina

One's still going on Jesus Christ I'm gonna have those fucking bankers That made off all that fucking money Off of those people And you watch them lose their house If there's even a... You know there's not an ounce

Of fucking guilt, do ya? Yeah, yeah, yeah They don't give a fuck They don't give a fuck Here we are Going after fucking ISIS With these fat fucking cunts Who fucked everybody

Their own countrymen At least ISIS has the decency To go after people That aren't their own countrymen These fucking bankers That goddamn Committed treason I don't know much about the world

But I believe if you did What they did here in Southeast Asia You get put to death One of those fucking countries Who the fuck is the coach of the giants? Did they get rid of that fucking fat guy? That guy who looked like they just took him Out of the fucking mezzanine level?

Wait a second Did they get rid of that guy? Giants Head Coach Alright, let's see who he is Why does it always go to Wikipedia now? Alright, wait a second

Tom Coughlin They had Bob McAdoo Ben McAdoo And they were like Ben McAdon Get the fuck out of here Sorry Then Steve Spaganulo

He was an interim coach Now they got Pat Shuma Pat Shuma looks like a winner Even though they're fucking 0 and 2 They're all of an older guy That keeps himself in shape, you know Now here he doesn't have fucking white hair

I don't know who he was I don't know who the fucking guy was Anyways, can I get on with the podcast here? I didn't do shit this weekend It was such a fucking weird weekend I thought I was going to be on the road And then Mother Nature came fucking screaming in Is there going to be another hurricane behind this one?

Remember that parade of whores last year? They had like fucking 20 20 hurricanes in a row It's probably feminists that get upset by that, you know To constantly name them By women's names Insinuates that we cause problems In men's lives

I don't even know what to fucking say No, I actually did a gig the other day I did a benefit Thursday night Last time I was on stage And You know, I gotta be honest It was one of these, you know They had like a red carpet and all this shit

And I was just, I saw some of the people I was like, oh man I have got a fucking bomb on this one And it was the exact opposite That's like one of the hardest I've ever gone on stage In recent fucking memory as far as like Fucking, I'm going to say this Fucking, I'm going to say that

And it went great Everybody was flipping out Fucking enjoying it Laughing A bunch of women came up to me Meaning four Saying how funny they thought it was And I gotta be honest with you

I think the same way The mass media misread This last election They are misreading Where like People's idea of what is funny And what isn't Because I was in Hollywood people

Liberal ground fucking zero And all those jokes killed And everybody thought it was funny And I was sitting there, you know After every other fucking, oh Is that the one that's going to get me in trouble? Is this the fucking gagatagatagat? Am I going to have to fucking, you know

It's fucking unbelievable now Like You can't even have like an opinion That's what kills me It's not that you did something If you just have an opinion That does not agree with them Then all of a sudden you have to go on TV

And you have to fucking apologize I don't, I don't, it's just I really feel that they're going to make a movie About this era And it's going to be like The red scare Like McCarthyism meets Like fucking Myspace

Or something Who's going to be in it, you know Where there's people to sit around How many more innocent men Are we going to let suffer? Well, don't try to understand You can't say anything Oh my god, what is this guy wearing?

He's wearing a fucking sports bra I am watching the Dallas Cowboys Right now and this guy just came out Wearing a fucking A half shirt Slash sports bra From the fucking 1980s

Did he steal that From one of the cheerleaders? It's not even a half shirt It's a bra He's covering his male pectorials They're zooming way in On Zach Prescott Right?

And then you know what's going to happen There's going to be a bunch of people who Like to wear male sports bras That are going to be offended And be like, why did you zoom in on his manly beard When you could have shown this other guy Who's essentially dressed like a spice girl Oh my god

God bless him I'd love to be that fucking ripped I don't know if there was ever a point in my life I could fucking pull off what this guy's Pulling off, holy fucking shit Oh my god, god bless him God bless him Anyways

I'm an old man now Christ, what are these kids wearing? I should be in full support of this Because we wore half shirts In the 80s I never had the nerve to wear one On the side of the house You know, I was just too pasty

I never thought I had fucking abs enough to do it You know what I mean And I didn't You know, a few things I never thought would come back Half shirts and fucking Larry Bird Short shorts And they are back with the fucking vengeance It really is

Does anybody look worse in a fucking football helmet than Eli Manic? I mean, he's first ballot hall of fame Quarterback and first ballot hall of fame How much more does that guy have to win Before you like You can look at him wearing a helmet There's just something about it

He looks like he's sitting between Two fucking muscular people on a plane He got the middle seat Their shoulders are mushing his face together I got a lot of balls considering the way I fucking look Huh? Anyways I fucking ran out of batteries

You wouldn't know because I just said anyways Because it magically ended with me saying anyways But I just did I just did like another 10 minutes of the podcast After I was talking about Eli sitting between Two muscular guys on a fucking plane And I don't know, you know I got to read these goddamn

I got to read the fucking advertising again So know this Alright, this is my second I've already read these one time So I should breeze through these I should breeze through these Anyways, my bookie You hear that cricket?

There's a loud ass fucking cricket Well, maybe that's the amount of money That's the amount of money That's the amount of money That's the fucking cricket Maybe that's the amount of people Leaving the podcast at this point I have no idea

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On the homepage and type in Burr Enter Burr Alrighty then Um I know I keep teasing you guys With this fucking Eastern European tour But it is coming back together It is slowly but surely

It's coming together. Well we had to You know they had me gone for like fucking 17 days And you know I can't do that I got a kid, alright. I'm gonna come home The kid's not even gonna recognize me So I'm gonna break it up into two tours That is the game plan Um

Oh that's cool. Bill's Cornerback retired at fucking halftime I hope he wanted to do that. He made one last stop And he sent him out of here It's kind of a cool way to do it Um Anyways I will definitely be getting out there

And I know I have people from Australia been asking me I'm gonna try to make something like next year I think I might do like a couple of those Little runs there When I'm overseas Maybe tape another special. I don't know I don't know. We'll see Alright, Almond Fama

Hey Bill, thanks for the semi-shout out To the Blue Moon echelon tree nut The Almond On your podcast last Monday Oh that's right I said it was the blue moon Of the nuts On September 10th, 2018 I was walking through my

Almond Orchard listening to your Podcast when you talked about seeing Your first Almond tree In the region of Thunder Valley Wasn't able to make it to the show But I hope that's not your last time In the Sacramento area I fucking loved that gig

That gig was so much fun That crowd was awesome I'll tell you right now There's a lot of cunts out there But Almond Farmers, they're alright You guys are alright with me Anyways, he says I am a tree nut farmer In California is a prominent producer

Of many tree nut crops Yes, yes, and yes Pistachios, they're like the Doritos of nuts Once you start eating them, you're fucked You gotta get air lifted out of there You're gonna eat the rest of them Almond Bloom in February

And it's a beautiful time of the year If you and your family are ever up here Please stop by for a visit Well I gotta be honest with you I respect farmers In farming country because that's what I do I respect farmers and get that douchey applause break Like I'm some politician running for office

Okay, and now next I'm gonna say exactly what you want to hear My opponent so-and-so Said that you guys are You guys are lazy, but I'll tell you Everybody's gonna be like Fuck that guy I'll tell you

I've been here for the last three days And I've ever seen anybody working Hard on you people Will lose their fucking mind With their dumb fucking American flag hat Isn't it weird How dumb people are that actually Show up to shit like that are

You know, I always noticed that Like when I was doing the opiate anthony show They had a bunch of people out Listeners that were fucking smart To vote the fucking animals That showed up And it's the same fucking thing When politicians go on the road

You know, and they're running for those Primaries and stuff And you just look at the people in the fucking crowd You know And inherently they gotta be They don't have a fucking job, right What are they doing there Well maybe they're down there

Because they need a job and they believe in that candidate Well yeah, I just won't fucking vote for them In the meantime Go fucking Hit the bricks and try to find a job Oh Bill, when are you gonna stop Over simplifying things And actually try to read up on stuff

I don't know Wouldn't a lot of the charm of the podcast Be gone if I did that You know Is it me Or is the sound of that cricket fucking deafening It's in here It's like it's slowly sneaking up

On me To fucking You know Is that the latest Oh my god look at that Two young kids playing guitar Holy shit Did they play the national anthem

Oh thank god there's hope There's hope Is that kid playing the Gibson Les Paul You spoiled, oh it's an epiphone I was gonna say the fuck The rich kid, you know Rich kid goes to the concert and is like I like that drum kit and the parents go out and buy the exact one

Does that kid ever make it Did you ever meet one rich kid that made it Can you say Donald Trump made it You have to Even though he was rich he turned the millions into billions And then he became the guy He's fucking president of the United States No matter how much you hate the guy

You gotta admit he made it He is a fucking American success story Like if you were at the track Okay If he was the odds What were the fucking odds I can't imagine I still cannot fucking believe that guy pulled that shit off

You know It's like watching Tom Brady throw for 500 yards in a Super Bowl And still somehow losing Like how does that happen Alright so I've been under the weather the last couple of days But I stayed on the I stayed on the diet And uh

Oh dude I have a story But I can't tell it right now I have to wait like Months from now Where I feel like I can tell the fucking story But uh Anyways I watched that boxing match You know

That triple C guy Where I don't know any I've been away from boxing For so fucking long I just got so fed up with how fucking corrupt it was And uh just getting burned On pay per views You know what I mean Like I really feel like Floyd Mayweather

The people that Um Still won't give it up how great that guy is Like It's just a fucking shame that that guy didn't fight Pacquiao In the 2000s You know and then we all got taken for a fucking ride

When he did and now I'm seeing that he's gonna Fight him again And I mean personally I think that guy is undeniably One of the greatest of all time Without a fucking doubt I mean you can't argue that But I really think these

These cash grabs Uh that just doesn't help But maybe he doesn't give a fuck You know what I mean Fighting Collin McGregor and now you're gonna fight Like fucking Pacquiao again I don't know But anyways but I watched that

Fight Couple of fucking warriors I came in I went to a party and I saw like the last three rounds Of it and I was like fuck I wish I saw this whole thing But I remember Verzi was giving me Shit cause they like you know dude I can't get into fucking MMA I really love boxing boxing

Like it's so much better And blah blah blah blah blah And I have to admit a great Fucking boxing match As far as Like combat sports I still you know what I have to agree I don't think he can touch it

And you know what I like about it Cause I love MMA Fucking love this shit but like Like when you watch those like this They end up game in MMA You can't touch a boxer Now I know all you MMA guys are gonna flip out Yeah you put a boxer on his back and he's done

I understand that But it's the fact that all they do is throw punches Like how fucking good they are in boxing It's incredible Like the level of Skill and those guys were just In the center of the ring from the last three rounds That I was watching essentially just

Bang and just beating the shit out of each other And I know a lot of people didn't like the The decision And I always go to how corrupt Fucking boxing is and the thing that I like About the UFC Is despite the fact that it's sort of like Apple where it's like this borderline

Monopoly But they can at least You know the best guys Fight the best guys for the most part I know it's not a perfect system but there's not like You know three different leagues And somebody has to try to unify the Title and all that shit

Alright for some fucking reason I went to I just hit stop against and I got Three fucking ones I gotta edit together I'm such an idiot You know what fuck I'll tell the story but I'm starting to name any names I was at this party One of these

Like Really cool LA parties that you hope you get invited to And I got invited to it and they had Cuban cigars there Which was fucking incredible, it was a beautiful house Just beautiful house and I went into The

I went into this room with You know the TV room they had the boxing match On and I look over And a fucking One of the greatest boxers For when I was growing up was there And it was fucking hilarious Because it was him

And then just a bunch of regular people like Me who didn't fight you know You know Ever or whatever So He's sitting there so it was like You didn't want to comment, you didn't want to say anything But you wanted to say something

Because you wanted to show that you knew something It was fucking hilarious People were trying to, everybody was like You know Wanting to say something But then kind of like not wanting to It was fucking hilarious So I didn't say anything, I ain't saying fucking shit

There's no fucking way I'm gonna be like Throw it left fuck, his hands are too low His hands are too low Why set it up with the jab Like I'm gonna fucking say that with this Champion sitting there right So my interaction was this At the end of the fight

There was the decision And this The greatest fight of all time was just He went aww man come on And I just said no and he went no And that was my interaction I left the room and was like alright I got my interaction Ha ha ha ha

But there was no Fucking way There was no Fucking way I just you know I just watched the fight and was praying to God He would make some comments which he did a couple Times and it was just like oh my god

This is unbelievable Don't ever let anybody have a Shit on fucking LA I'm telling you You get out here You bust your fucking ass and then I'm telling you The fucking people that you meet Even just for two seconds and you have a one word

Exchange It's like you gotta be kidding me I remember a long time ago When I was just struggling this business And I was on the fucking The fox lot And I just bombed

Some audition and I was just like what am I Doing out here I shouldn't be out here I should be in New York trying to get better as a comedian I just knew this wasn't my road So I was walking out and I was all fucking depressed And as I was walking across The lot Fucking Henry Winkler this was like 20 years ago

Right around the time he was through the water boy Just came walking by And I was like that was fucking That was Henry fucking Winkler I just got to that's how Fucking cool is that I am somehow Was in his fucking

Life For like five seconds And then like I don't know 20 years after that Bill Hader's show Barry comes out Next thing you know they want me to interview the cast

And I was sitting there talking to Henry Winkler It's an incredible place That probably Won't be here With this global warming I don't know who knows I'd say get out here now Why you still can't

You know go down to Miami Check these places These places are gonna be you gonna be like Somebody like you know when you're older Talking about how you Yeah Pompeii I was there man Fuck yeah I was there before the waters came up

I was fucking there I did some blow I got my dick sucked And I had some fucking crab legs Except You can say it like an old man I was down there I did the watusi

Whatever the fuck you'd say Like doing blow at that point would probably be Like you know Bringing up doing the watusi Whatever the fuck that was What was that like some sort of minor dance You know like what Qualified as a fucking dance like

Isn't it amazing Just how human beings progress Creatively They're like the Charleston Charleston Charleston Right And now like what How well some of these kids can

Fucking dance just in clubs It's like back in the day like Fred Astaire Would be asking for a goddamn lesson It's like Odell Beckham Ever since he made that falling backwards While getting interfered with One handed Like as far back as you can reach behind

You had catch Nobody ever made a catch like that Now like I don't know what they're doing They're doing this thing with their strength And then their fingers and they're just practicing it Like the guy in the Jaguar did it Like I watched that The only thing it was as

I can't say it was as good as Odell Because Odell was the first guy to do it And the big thing was he was getting interfered with Getting down backwards But this guy just he just reached out Like it was like Spider-Man Just snagged the thing Then moved it around

So the defender couldn't knock it out of his hand And like that's like That's sort of the joy I got him in It's like the Jordan effect Like that shit that you know Kobe was doing Like by the like They all saw Jordan do it And then they added it to their game

This is possible What are you talking about I don't know I'm trying to say something positive Before I try to say how great L.A. is And then in the back of my head I'm like you know It's going to be fucking I don't know what it's going to be

All I know is I got a weird feeling that It's going to be all green and it's going to be raining Like the fucking rain force You know they said that it's going to be like It's going to be like weird weather Like it's going to be just everything The house is going to get all fucking hot It's going to be a goddamn desert

And then out here is going to be like lush land I don't think there's going to be any lush land That's just wishful fucking thinking I don't know who the fuck knows Who the fuck but they've always been saying That we're going to fall into the goddamn ocean And all that shit Do you guys watch any of that college football

What a fucking weekend You know what when I went out To go to that party I could feel that our house state Was really early And I think I missed the game of the year so far And by the way Oh before I move on to the next game

TCU by the way How quickly are they on their way to probation I don't get these guys These guys came out of nowhere and they were great And then they fell off Now all of a sudden they're great again In Texas I'm telling you there's something there

I'm just fucking with you I fucking love watching that team man They're exciting as hell And almost had a great comeback Against Ohio State And they're 2 and 0 Well their coach is suspended He's allowed to coach during the

Fucking week but on Saturdays he is not allowed to coach Tell me you don't have some sort of Headset wire thing going on or some shit Urban Meyer Anyways Plowing ahead here That kid from North Texas

Who did the fake fair catch The next time he calls For a fair catch He better be waving a goddamn white flag Because that dude is going to get stuck For the rest of the fucking year Because he humiliated whoever the fuck He did that to

When people see shit like that He ain't fucking doing that to me Then they give you the old right there Fred So keep your head on a swivel there sonny I still don't understand How the fuck he pulled that off You know Big time confidence

Big time fucking confidence Did I read from the almond farmer yet Did I miss that one Did that one get cut off and all the Fucking confusion here This almond farmer wrote me Said he was actually listening to the podcast While I was

Talking about almond farm Then he invited me to stop by Which is always creepy you know what I mean Those farm houses Like I love farm houses and all that fucking shit Right But like they're all scary looking Farm houses are, they're scary during the day

Because you never see anybody Always feel like they have all these This old fucking They have like sickles and shit You know they can feed you to their pigs I don't know They're a shady group man those farmers They're out there by themselves

You can't tell me you don't slowly go insane When you're a farmer you know what I mean Then when you're fucking a farmer Alright ladies you keep doing that shit You don't have to be lonely Playing with his fucking Almond scented bulls Alright living off of smoothies

Oh LSU by the way LSU Is fucking 2 and L Um I watched the whole game I watched the whole game and I watched so many sports So much sports this weekend I can't even remember who the fuck they played

Auburn Jesus Christ in Auburn Right War Fucking eagle right They went down there and they Fucking I know a lot of those Auburn people They're upset They're like hey what do you want on them

Fucking pass interference Girl scout fucking calls Um I am a big proponent of cornerbacks And how much they get fucked over But both of those were interference If you were at the game That one over the middle

Looks like bullshit because they didn't Show you the full replay where the guy just Held him for like you know 10 yards totally slowed him the fuck Down and then the other one The guy was grabbing his fucking arm You know it was borderline Sometimes you get away with it but he got

Caught but he was doing it I can tell you this We're fucking 2 and 0 And what's his face there there coach The hell's his goddamn name I just keep spacing on his fucking name I'll get it He's the best thing in the SEC

If not in the fucking College football right now I tweeted that He sounds Like a fucking Cajun Hulk Hogan Ed Orgeron I'll tell you right now

I'll tell you right now we went out there I'll tell you something what brother He sounds like a fucking wrestler And he's got him believing in themselves We all know The Alabama Crimson Tide Is a fucking professional football team I don't know

What the fuck Nick Saban is doing How he gets all those good guys I don't know what But that guy Is the fucking guy Nick Saban I love rooting against him But I love that guy

I love what he's done with the Alabama When I needed to pick a college team I wasn't going to fucking Jump on the bandwagon You know I like rooting against The fucking people You know what I mean Well do ya

I don't know maybe you don't Anyways Living off smoothies Hey Billy fish paste Last week You mentioned you'd love to just live off Smoothies if you could Well it turns out you can

It's a huge food market called Meal replacements Or complete foods that contain All the carbs, fats, proteins, fibers Micronutrients and everything else The body needs to function properly All in one serving Yeah I know but I get nervous because

When I just feel like it's science And then they always put all these fucking chemicals And shit in there Some come in powder form So all you do is mix it with water Others come ready to drink in the bottle And shitty like insure is that They take human biology

And complete nutritional needs Into account and make sure you get The full recommended daily intake For all vitamins, minerals and macros And also most of them Are made from whole food ingredients This is probably what the future is going to be like When we fucking destroy the whole planet

And the only people left Are living in this giant air conditioned Fucking greenhouse And they just in there I don't know what chemicals But eventually you need plants They have their own ecosystem We're going to heal the earth from inside here

And then it's going to work On the way out I always pitch these sci-fi movies And then years later They end up making them like that Fucking population joke that I did That you take a test They literally made that fucking movie

Where's another one for you, you thieving cunts Actually go ahead and make it Did you just give consent? Here's one for you Right? The whole fucking world looks like a goddamn desert There's all water world Desert and all that shit

And it's just this one Fucking Greenhouse The size of Dallas Cowboys stadium And in there they actually have plants They got some chickens And shit's like a fucking arc And it doesn't go anywhere

And in there is the perfect fucking ecosystem All right And then they're going to gradually Like their thing is Is if they have to Wait out all the waste And hope that the planet comes back And then they gradually every year

They try to expand A little bit more Of their stadium To fucking include more of the Reclaim more of the fucking Scorched earth, right? I'm already off the rails, I don't know if this fucking works But somehow there's a fucking guy

In there and he wants to take control And it's all about the fucking air conditioner Right? That was a bad one, but one of you nerds Can figure it out, right? Anyways, the one that first came online A few years ago was called This is back to the living of smoothies

Soylent, they make powder And premixed drinks, very tasty But there's dozens of other companies One of the guys I fly with You know His digestive system, whatever, that's all he does And we flew back from This place one time and I was talking to him

Drink this, man, you'll be full and I drank it And it felt good, but it was too weird I would need to read up on it But I know I'm not going to So I'm going to stick with what I've been doing But But I would think that you'd be in great shape Right?

You know? It's nice and easy to digest I don't know, it depends on what's in it though, right? Anyways, there's dozens of other companies That make similar products like Hewlett Hewlett, are we happy? Hewlett, H-U-E-L, Jimmy Joy Biolent

And Super Body Fuel All with their very own special take On how to fulfill dietary requirements It's been working for me for years And I even lived off Soylent for a month straight A couple of years ago with no issues And with hundreds of other people But you obviously don't have to do that

You can just use it for breakfast Or whatever you want Thanks for all your laughs and go fuck yourself Did you lose a bunch of weight and shit? Why don't fat people just fucking do this? Or look into it? You know? Because I figured that once they push through

And get off the sugar salt They can start turning it around And one of the hardest things to do About eating healthy Is now you gotta sit there and prepare the shit While you're super hungry And your body's going fuck this, order a pizza Man, order a fucking pizza

But if they just all these containers ready to go You just shake it up and you drink it That could actually help some people But I would definitely, if you're gonna do that If you listen to this and you're thinking of doing that I would definitely do some research as far as like What is in them All right, boycott

Dear Billy Boycott, how do you feel about boycotting? Have you ever boycotted anything? Yes, I have, I have Is there any reason you would boycott a show Podcast or company because you didn't Agree with their behavior Um No

Or not their opinions I would I would like If something sucked So I guess that's not a boycott then Right? Anyways, I feel like you have a thick skin So you probably have only

One reason to boycott a group That was censoring you or your comedy Um Yeah, like When I boycott something When I boycott a company because of their behavior Well, I hate bankers but I still fucking use them So, there goes that

Um Yeah, I don't know I don't know, I respect people That's what they want to fucking do I would put it that way, but like I don't know that I would Uh I

You know, I get why people do that shit You just have to do a lot to fucking Lose me, I think You know what I mean? Like I hung in there With Trump and you know, because I root for the president Whether I like him or not But like once his wife wore that

I don't really care do you Jack it to that fucking You know, when she was going down to see kids That were taken away from their parents, I mean Whether They're right or wrong about their way They're handling immigration Or how they want to enforce it

You know, that goes out the window when A little kid crying missing his parents And he or she's scared, you know And you're gonna wear something like that's That's when they lost me and I was just like, all right Um, but I still don't trash them in my act You know, God knows there's fucking plenty of people doing that Um

So, I mean, to be honest with you At this point in history I think it's really important Rather than to walk away or something like that It's more important to try to get something Going to talk or something Because just screaming and yelling Jesus, this comes from somebody who will fucking

Scream and cunt Um You know, it just it doesn't It doesn't fucking It doesn't make any sense I understand why people do what they get, they get emotional Jesus Christ, God knows I got fucking emotional today This guy was supposed to move some fucking furniture out of my house

It's one of the fucking workers like I You know, I did all this work on the house and like I love the house As much as I bitch about it and You know, I brought it back to life Where a lot of people did some Home Depot bullshit to it and I tried to restore it You know

Updated in the walls but like outside I tried to make it look like You know, the time when it was created You know So I went and I got these vintage door Handles and somebody swiped one of them And I swear to Fuck it, I got it back though

I got it, I raised Fucking holy hell My wife didn't give me shit to lose in my mind I fucking lost My fucking mind What is that about when somebody Steals from you You know

It's just that they, it's like Who the fuck do you think I'm that fucking stupid I wasn't gonna notice Do you think I'm the kind of person That's not gonna fucking pursue this Like I, oh Jesus Christ Oh There's a reason I don't

Fucking own a firearm You know, so that's one of those things that they should do Is they, when you go down to get a fucking Gun license They should like spy on you For a week and just figure out what irritates you And then they just come in and do it Just have somebody do it to you in the parking lot

And just see how much you lose your shit And just see if you should have a fucking gun or not I would never shoot anybody but I think I would definitely brandish a weapon I'm fucking Waving somebody's face Buddy, I am gonna shoot You in the face

You don't put your fucking hands in that dashboard One of the most underrated performances In any Tarantino movie, the guy who played That fucking cop In the bathroom scene Alright, buying a Lamborghini Hey Billy, the financial Advisor

This might be My favorite fucking question ever Are you gonna buy a Lamborghini? You ever just lived vicariously through somebody? I'm more of a Ferrari guy But god bless you, you know, I'm not a Lamborghini guy, I'm more flashy Hey Billy, the financial advisor

I'd appreciate your take My childhood dream has been to own a Lamborghini Then god damn it, get yourself one Not because of those He says I'd attract but because I have a huge Interest in cars and they've always been a motivation For me

I'm not 100% sure if I should I should I left a word out, drop 250 grand On a car I know the old saying, if you have to ask You can't afford it Has truth to it But I'd like to get advice from people

On a big decision, well dude I'm not the guy, I'm currently 27 He says, did my masters And work a commission based job A realtor And luckily had a few good years in the past From the money I saved I managed to buy three investment properties

Oh dude, yes Okay This is all great stuff I know technically They belong to the bank but I've been able to Build equity that way The shitty thing is because I've been buying these I ended up not buying

A place for myself, my parents Have been nice enough to let me stay home with them I know that this is kind of Fucked up but I'm from South Africa and it's frowned upon to move out Before getting married, well dude You're saving a ton of money So I guess I kind of took advantage of that

No you didn't, that was their rule And you just, you're playing Within the rules Anyways, also, you can tell I'm a Patriots fan That's not wrong with that I didn't say you can't do it Also I don't have a girlfriend And actually don't get laid at all

So I'm not doing it to impress girls I can give a fuck about them Asexual money making machine here Sir, my question is should I Buy my own place first Then save up for a Lambo or fulfill my Childhood dream now The reason I don't want to necessarily

Buy a place is because then I'll have A lot of pressure to find a wife And I know no woman will ever let me Spend 250 grand on a car Unless I spend 250 grand on her And because it made delay my dream Another five or so years To enjoy it while I'm still relatively

Young Alright, wow This guy's really planning out his life I like this, also if it matters I have about half of the amount I need Saved up so far And we'll either save up for another six months To a year, and yes I've researched

Maintenance costs and have factored those in too This guy's done his homework Any help would be appreciated Thanks for the free podcast And any advice from Nia I wish I had friends in real life Like you guys, that's really nice Now that I'm done sucking your dick

Thanks and go fuck yourself, that's hilarious Alright, well I think you know more About money than I do Here's the pros to buying a Lamborghini They do retain their value If you don't wrap it around a fucking tree Or modify it Or do a bunch, you know

A bunch of miles on it The weird thing about a Lamborghini is that These fucking guys get them And then they have them for 20 years And they sell them and they always have like 800 original miles And it's like why the fuck did you even have it Secondly

I don't know if it helps you It's not a good look If your real estate agent is 27 And pulls up in a fucking Lamborghini That would make me feel like this guy's taken way too much commission He's fucking me, so if you're gonna get it I would not drive it to work And as far as you're worried

About women Here's the secret with women Is you gotta be up front with them You have to tell them from fucking day one That this is what you're doing And then you have to follow through and do it And don't let them do that shit Where they go, well that was before

I was pregnant Nope Nope, nope Alright I would lean I would listen I think there's a massive Bubble being built here

I don't know shit, so people don't listen to me I know I'm a ball guy And I know I scream, but I'm not that guy on TV Who yells about the stocks I'm just a fucking stupid comedian And I go with my gut And my gut is because I travel around the country With other people

And what's been freaking me out Is the shit that I'm talking about Where it's like a fucking Thursday afternoon I'm on the road and I go to a breakfast place And it is fucking packed I'm standing in line like it's Sunday After church And I'm just looking around

Going, don't any of these fucking people have a fucking job And I'm looking at them all And they all have smartphones and they have fucking iPads And they got fucking their custom fucking sneakers That they ordered And it's a fucking lifestyle And part of this lifestyle is building all these fucking luxury High-rise apartments

I mean this is my fifth time around the block with this shit All right Started with the fucking yuppies It was the first time I saw it The fucking dot-com shit The housing bubble Everybody's getting a house From fucking 10 years ago

And now this shit So maybe it's my fourth time through this But this is what happens I think Keep doing what you're doing with your money And Either stay at home I wouldn't buy the

I don't wanna talk It's a fucking dreamy or so There's no way I'm gonna talk a guy out of his dream Or a woman, or a hermaphrodite Or somebody transitioning Did I cover everybody? Am I still in show business? Um I uh

And then as far as the pressure You're gonna get to get married Fuck that Listen, I'm not doing that I'm gonna get married when I find the right person Okay And if you don't know what I'm talking about Just watch Coming to America

I think you're gonna find a lot of themes that you can relate to That's you Coming to America is Kill the Irishman Anyways Uh Yeah, I think, you know Here's the thing Here's another way to have a Lamborghini

You could have a Lamborghini for like a year And then turn around and sell it You know, my only thing is I think I would kind of wait until the fucking A Lamborghini is a great thing To buy during a recession Okay Unless you're talking about buying a new one

But um I mean, you're always Gonna be able to sell a fucking Lamborghini And I've never seen Um Well, you know what? Let's fucking look him up By the way, I fucking love this scene I love anybody with a fucking dream and this guy

Like he wants a fucking Lamborghini And goddamn it, he's gonna figure out how to do it I love this Lamborghini Uh For sale Alright, let's see what we got here Use Lamborghini for sale

Um Ooh $35,900 $17,999 See, this is why you don't listen to me Is that the poster Or is that the actual fucking car Are you serious?

Oh, that's a kit You fucking cunt It's not a real one Use Lamborghini Wait, those are all fucking kit cars You fucking assholes Alright, hang on a second Alright, this is more like it

Use 2017 Lamborghini Uh Uh $399,711 Uh There's a used 2007 Here's another thing dude, you could fucking get one

Buy a used one There's a used 2007 Lamborghini It's still gonna turn heads For $99,995 2017 Lambo, you can get for 209,582 door

coupe And then you can get a 2018 Volvo S90 for $5,000 Who the fuck is looking at this Oh, maybe I'd like a Volvo Um Use 2008

Lamborghini Mercelego Revention Coupe For some reason they won a million 18, what? No fucking way There's another, oh there's another Oh, those are the kitty ones These are the big boys here Use 2017

Tato LP754 Sup Super Vellons Roadster I don't know, it says $659,900 These are a year old And these are all like a half a million bucks Um

Yeah dude, you don't want to spend all this fucking money, maybe you do I would buy a used one though I would definitely buy a fucking used one, holy shit You know what kills about these things If you go to the supermarket and drive over a fucking speed bump Please tell me though sir, if you get this thing

Please take it to the track Please take it to the track, could you please Could you please take it to the track The amount of Lamborghinis that never go to the fucking track You know, if I got one of those fucking things I'd have it on a flatbed truck I'd take it to the track and I would meet an instructor there And be like, teach me to drive this

thing as fast as my skill set will allow me to be fucking destroying it Alright, let's close on this, dilemma But good luck to you sir You got a lot of great options, okay Tell the woman what you're going to do and stick with it, what you're going to do

beat you up And then secondly You got to let go of that shit with your parents Don't not buy a house because of some fucking you know Pot of gold at the end of the rainbow Sorry, I always have to go with the fucking some sort of where I'm from kind of thing

Here, dilemma everybody Dear Bill If your life depended on it Would you In Chris Berman's voice Would you rat Live in medieval times as a king Or make

65 grand a year in the present time Oh Fuck that, oh my As a king you'd be able to fuck any chick you wanted Eat well Live well King shit, but you'd have to worry about Being overthrown or invaded

Yeah, we're hitting some fucking disease Yeah, smallpox Everyone asks this question To changes their mind After talking it out Right out of the gate, I was like no brainer I'll take 65 grand a year In the NFL package

And I'll be an absolute fucking nobody And I'll rub it out To internet porn Before I would go back into medieval Fucking times with Scurvy, gangrene The black pole scurvy I wouldn't have Because I'd be a king, I'd have plenty of fucking vitamin C

Is that what it is? No vitamin C No fruit in your diet or some shit Um Yeah Fuck all that and then everybody coming to try to Fuck and kill me and then just The shit I would have to do to stay in power Putting people in iron

Maidens and stretching them out I don't want to hurt people And then if you're a cool king I mean Jesus Christ They'd be calling you fucking Lord Snowflake They'd be all this liberal fucking Everybody would think that they could get over on you And then you just have to stick

Someone in the belly of the beast I think about that fucking all the time Out of all those things The iron maiden, they slam it shut You're dead, the rack is fucking brutal You know the rack, they thought it stretched you And broke your Toilet tendons and stuff

And then was it broke your bones By stretching to the point that they cracked I mean just Fucking insane Human beings are so fucking horrible It's not even like You can't even wrap your head around it But the belly of the beast

You know that expression being in the belly of the beast They would actually have like some giant looking Bull thing Made out of cast iron or something And they would put you in there, close it And then light a fire underneath it And the amount of times I thought of what I would do

If I was in there I would just slam my fucking head I would fucking I'd do the million dollar baby I would bite through my fucking tongue But to actually fucking, you know how hot it would have to be Before I could actually have the balls to do that Is there a way to just like, you know

You just rip your own throat out I would literally, I would try to fucking puncture My neck and bleed out That's what I would try to do But they probably put you in there Butt ass naked with you all tied up And shit, I mean just fucking brutal So it's not even a question dude

65 grand a fucking year In the present You know, my dress like Albert Einstein Same fucking clothes every day Except it'd be more of the Malcolm Young Wardrobe, rest his soul You know I've been, you know going through a lot of shit here And I actually found this Malcolm Young

Like action figure thing that I have Not action figure, it's like But I bought the thing, I never assembled it Because you had to Came from somewhere in Asia So you know Angus didn't get any money on it And you fucking You gotta glue his feet

To the fucking base And I've been meaning to go over To one of these fucking mom and pop department stores You know Fuck Home Depot I mean any time Like you wanna talk about someone who gets Act like a king over there

You can actually find somebody on the floor That doesn't have 20 people like running after them You know like when the dog whisperer Goes over the hill and you have 20 Kids behind him or dogs behind him That's what the fucking Home Depot is like So anyways, yeah I would take 65 grand a year Great question though, great questions

Great I hope that guy It's gonna work out for you buddy Alright, if you want you gotta tell somebody First date, tell me about yourself I've always wanted a Lamborghini You know Jesus, what kind of woman would that attract

I don't know but that's your dilemma buddy Good luck with it, alright go fuck yourselves I'll check in on you on Thursday Finish