Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-19-16

Episode Date: September 19, 2016

Bill rambles about the Patriots, Durham NC and "daring to try.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, September 19th, 2016. What's going on? How are you? How are you doing this morning? How are you? How was your day? Did you make it through another one with nothing to say? You fucking boss, come walking in. Hey, Carl, could I have a word with you? Yeah, go fuck yourself. No, wouldn't you just love to be able to say, yeah, no, no. I'm not saying you're not my boss, but just not today, all right? Come with me late Tuesday, maybe Wednesday.

Tell you what, I'll meet you Wednesday for lunch, all right? Fucking have a word with me Monday morning, you cunt, all right? I'm still coming off the high of being free for a couple of days, you know? That's what a great thing about Saturday and Sunday. If you do it right, meaning, you know, you're living within your means, so you're not stressing about bills. You didn't have any fucking kids, so you got no responsibility. On that Saturday and Sunday, you actually get to feel what it's like to be a trust fund kid, you know? That's what being a trust fund kid is. Every day is a Saturday or a Sunday, you know?

With just limitless possibilities. I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, hey, I'm not going to do shit. It's phenomenal, you know? So anyways, I fucking got up this morning, I had to go feed my dog, right? I had to take the thing outside, so I did all of that when I was done. You know, the usual thing, this little house that we rented, a little cottage, a cute little cottage, while they're fixing that fucking kitchen, and these guys are moving right along, which I'm psyched about, you know?

They took the whole fucking kitchen out, and then I was on the road for a couple of days, I came back, and they have all the plumbing done, which is fucking great. They got all the copper pipes done, and, you know, got rid of all the galvanized pipe, psyched about that, and for whatever reason, you know, our sink was just facing cabinets. It was like cabinets right above the sink, you just like wash dishes, you know, you know, staring into the cabinets. So the only good thing about the cabinets there was when my lower back was bugging me, I could rest my fucking flat screen TV forehead against the cabinet, give it a little bit of relief. But you know the deal, this sink is supposed to be near the window.

That's the classic style for like, it was for women back in the day when they weren't allowed to vote, or basically leave the house, you know, for all extensive purposes. So they used to, just as they washed the dishes, they could just look out, you know, and dream the dreams that they were never going to live, you know? And I just think it's nice that after all these years, the Emmys finally stepped up and gave everybody else an award. Jesus, my wife was watching that thing last night. What a fucking shit show. I don't know, man. I got to tell you something. There's no way that it's worse.

For someone who is into watching an award show, to make them watch sports, there's no way that that's a worse experience than someone who watches sports having to sit there and watch the Emmys. You know, I didn't have to sit there. I kind of had to because, you know, I hadn't seen my wife in a couple of days and she was like, I want to hang out with you. And then we had to sit there and just watch these fucking things. It just, ugh. The actress, they're just so goddamn dramatic. Because you believed in me, I dared to try. I almost fucking threw up whoever the hell said that because you believed in me, I dared to try. It's like, you're a fucking actor. It's a killer script. You're going to turn it down?

That fucking OJ miniseries was unbelievable. I don't believe in me, but because you did, I dared to try. It was one of the worst things I've ever heard, you know, other than when you call up the cable company. When you get into that, talking to a robot lady is one notch lower than that. I'm not shitting on the actor, you know what I mean? Because they like that, that's why they give the great performances. And because I'm a cunt, that's why I do stand up, you know what I mean? So everybody finds the little fucking hole they're supposed to crawl into. Oh my God, there's always...

These are important stories and they need to be told. Just take your shiny thing and leave. Just give us the keys. Oh my God, but my wife had me over a barrel because I, you know, I've been away for like three, four days. And then I came home and she was out with my brother and my sister-in-law and my niece. So it's fucking place where we're staying at, they don't have the fucking NFL package. What kind of a fucking man doesn't have the NFL package? Okay, I don't give a shit if your kid has the mumps. You carve out something out of your budget, all right, to have the fucking NFL package. So I'm sitting there going like, fuck, I know I can watch it.

I know I can watch it on my computer. So there's no adult there or child who's kiddin' who to help me navigate this thing. So I go onto the fucking direct TV thing. I signed up for something for 99 bucks and I did it. And I was like, oh my God, I did it. I did it. And I, you know, Patriots Dolphins. I want to see this. I missed the first half. And whatever I signed up for was to get the radio feed. It cost me like 99 bucks to listen to it on the radio.

What am I, a fucking World War I fighter pilot? What am I, some guy from a time before TV? Sorry, sorry for the bad reference there. I mean, what the fuck? I'm not 80, right? So now I'm trying to figure out how to get the video while I have the game on the radio. And all I'm hearing is that Garoppolo fades back to pass and this guy was coming at him for like 10 yards. And evidently he stood there like Steve Grogan until the last second,

stay on target and then he let it go. I still haven't seen the replay and I guess he got picked up and slammed to the ground and, you know, I guess he fucked up his shoulder. I have no idea. So now they got this other guy coming in for NC State, the place I went to for two semesters way back in the day. And they proceed to march right down the field. So anyway, it's long story short.

So I end up having to call up Direct TV, right? And I get into that fucking nightmare. You know, thank you for calling Direct TV. If you're calling about a pay-per-view that you already ordered, press one. If you're calling about when you do want to order, press two. And then right there, I sit there and you got to make that thing. Okay, if I call up and say that I already ordered it, that means they already have my money.

So I know I'm going to be on hold longer. So I always go with the second option acting as though that I want to order something now because that will get you to a person immediately. Like, because I just feel like they're like, oh, we don't have this fucking person's number yet. So always pick that option. But for whatever fucking reason, you know, I picked the first option. I decided not to lie.

And then I got dragged into this whole thing. And, but I'm just trying to stay calm. You know, patience is a virtue. This old guy said this to me when I was in Charlotte, North Carolina. We both sitting in a bank and I was trying to do something. It was a Saturday. There was a bunch of fucking people there. Oh, I know, I had to wire money to get this fucking place

because the last people fucked us over on the other place and the people coming to fix the kitchen. And we had to be out of there. And it was Saturday, and you know, Saturday, you don't want to go to a bank on Saturday. That's when nobody who has their money right shows up on a fucking Saturday, right? And they just sit there like, like, like children trying to figure out, you know, that whatever, 100 minus 110 means negative 10

and you have no fucking money and you owe the money back, the bank money, right? So I was just sitting there going, and this guy was like a preacher or something like that, this older dude. And he just, and I could tell he was frustrated and he just said out loud, he's like, patience is a virtue. And I've been hanging onto that white knuckling to that. So I'm sitting there trying to navigate this fucking robot system, knowing, knowing, I know how this story ends.

It's Charlie Brown trying to kick the football. I know it's not going to happen, but I'm trying to channel my wife's calm, relaxed energy. I'm trying to channel this fucking guy and I'm just answering all the questions. And you know what, all of a sudden, you know, I'm not knocking down the hurdles. I'm clearing them. Okay, I'm getting out in front of this fucking race. I can see the finish line, right? I clear the last fucking hurdle.

And all of a sudden, I forget what the fucking thing was. It's like, if you just, if you want to sign up, no, no, it finally got to, if you would like to speak, I forget what the last one was, but it was the last thing I had to do. It's like, say yes. And I was like, oh my God, I did it. And I went, yes. And this fucking thing, this system heard the other 80 fucking questions it asked.

I had to keep hitting mute to go, ah, you fucking cunt. And then unmute it because if you yell, oh, you fucking cunt into it, the robot goes, I'm sorry, I didn't understand. And then you got to go back to the beginning. So I got my fucking mute game is down. So I get the fucking anger out. And then I just kept going pleasantly. I'd be like, you know, order NFL on my computer.

And then ask another question. And I'd be like, Jesus Christ, somebody on mute. How many fucking questions you got to ask me? And then unmute it and be like, yes. So I had answered all fucking 18 of the questions. All right. And the last one was basically it was in like, so this is what you want to do. And I just go, yes.

And the thing all of a sudden just goes, I'm sorry, I didn't understand. And then it starts asking the question. I immediately start pan panicking as it's asking the question. I'm going, yes, yes. Right. And it fucking stops, you know, just, you know, if this is what you want to do, say yes, if not say no. And then I was like, yes.

And then this is just excruciating second pause. And it comes back on and goes, I'm sorry, I didn't understand. And then I just went, yes. This empty fucking room, like a complete lunatic. And of course it didn't hear me. And then I just started yelling, operator person, you fucking cunt. And I finally hit zero because a lot of them don't have that option anymore. I hit zero and it actually took me, you know, it put me on hold.

And now I'm like, oh my God, it was just like, you know, now I was on hold. And then I'm thinking like, oh my God, I'm going to be on hold forever. It's football Sunday. Every fucking 48 year old and above fucking dude like me who blew off computers. This is my only, I blew this shit off. I remember I was living with Bobby Kelly and he totally embraced computers. The fucking guy can like, you know, he can go on to the dark web if he wants to. He knows what the fuck he's doing.

I was just like, these things are fucking stupid. Give me a notebook and a pen. I'm going to go churn some fucking butter in here. Right. And I'm still paying the price. So I'm on hold for fucking ever as I'm, you know, but it's half time. And the Patriots somehow are up like, I don't know, 20 something to like three. And I guess Garoppolo looked fucking amazing.

So as I'm on hold for like 20 minutes, that computer cunt keeps coming back going, you know, basically saying, you're going to be on hold for a long time, but it's a lot easier. It's a lot easier and more exciting if you go to our website and it's like, fuck you. I don't work for you. You know, plus the reality is I can't figure it out. So finally this woman comes on after like a half hour and she's just like, hey, how are you doing? Thanks for calling direct TV. We have a pleasant day, but blah, blah, blah.

She said great energy. She goes, uh, she just goes, basically, what's the problem? I was like, the problem is I'm 48 years old. I've blown off computers and I don't know how to, I just want to watch the game on my device. And she laughed and she goes, all right, what's the name on the account? She types that in. She goes, all right, you need to get the NFL plus things. And I can watch it on your iPhone, all of this and blah, blah, blah, blah.

We figured all of that out. And I was like, well, she goes, and then you just go to this and I go, don't leave me. You just got to walk me through the whole thing. She laughed. She walked me through the whole thing. It took like three minutes. It was incredible. Like there's nothing better than getting a fucking person.

They totally help you out unless you get a jerk, but she wasn't. She was an angel. And next thing you know, I got the game and, um, it was beyond sight. And I got to watch the whole second half of the, uh, of the Patriot game when the dude from NC State came in. Um, wait a second. Let's see what's his name. Patriot's NC State QB. Um, what's his name?

Oh, Jacoby Brissette came in and did a great job. He marches right down the field. We go up like fucking 35 to fucking three or 10 or whatever the fuck it was at that point. 34. Was that what it was? 31. 31. That's what it was.

To, uh, to like 10 or some shit like that. And I'm just like, Oh, this is fucking great. This is great. We got it. We can cruise now. And then all of a sudden the dolphins just start coming back. You know, they start marching right down the fucking field and it's just like the classic NFL. It's like, is any lead big enough?

I know that we got our third string quarterback who's now our second string because Tom Brady is an active. What the fuck? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But, um, long story short, we ended up pulling out the wind. We're fucking two and Oh, and guess who lost again? The Colts lost again. Can you believe this? You know, it's almost like the football gods are, are weighing in.

I feel the fact that we're two and Oh, without our starting quarterback, without our second string, with our third string, we win. You know, granted, we played the fucking dolphins. You know, they're, uh, they're in a wake right now. Obviously, you know, so I don't know. I'm just, I'm so fucking psyched. I'm telling you right now, if we go three and Oh, and the Colts go Oh, and four, I know our schedule is going to get a lot tougher. And, um, but anyways, you know, it was funny. So once we went to a no, this buddy of mine called it, he was just going like, dude, you know, as long as this is before, you know,

Garoppolo got injured. He goes, I, if he goes two and two, that's fine. I just don't want him to go four and Oh, because any of every fucking dope out there is going to be like, you see, it's just a system. You can put anybody in there and they will win. Which is basically what boomer boomer fucking is science and said. He even said that it's, it's, it just boggles my fucking mind. Some dope tweeted that to me, you know, like they sit there and they look like beating a reader. Reading a rebuilding team during the second fucking week of the season is the same as being down with a minute and a half left in the Super Bowl.

You know, the time when other people fucking puke up their Campbell's soup. You know, other people who are shaped like a pencil who crush it in November fold during that fucking time. You know, there's very few Tom Brady's out there. Very few Eli Mannings. Eli Manning, you want to, you want to beat Eli Manning, play him in September. He's like a sleepy dog just fucking laying on a point. It's, it bores the man. What is this a regular season game?

We got another 14. Wake me up when the playoffs are at stake. Then all of a sudden the Giants got to win the last six games and then that fucking guys, he just, he's firing his eyes. Well, he, who's kidding who? He never has fire in his eyes. He just, I don't know what the fuck he does. He knows how to turn it on and to fucking sit here and disrespect Tom Brady like that. And this is another thing too.

They always have this stupid Matt Castle analogy to like Matt Castle in it and he went 11 and five. Can I finally debunk that? Okay. For all you fucking fantasy football, Buffalo Wild Wings wearing a Jersey fucking dopes out there who fucking high five Gallup sideways. He's on my fantasy team. I activated them today. Here's the thing for the fucking 90 millionth time, the whole Matt Castle thing. Matt Castle took over a fucking team that went 16 and 0 in the regular season.

Was one fucking play away from going 19 and 0. The next year he's on their center. They went 11 and five. And for you fucking dopes out there who can't do math, he won five less games. Okay. They sit and miss the fucking playoffs. That's what he did with an 18 and one fucking team. He went 11 and five.

Missed the playoffs. Thank God we didn't go 10 and six. Do the math fantasy football play in fucking dopes. He would have gone five and 11. All right. You guys don't remember when he got he got traded to Kansas City. And then all of a sudden became mortal again. You don't remember that.

And I know what you're going to say. Well, they didn't have Bill Belichick as your coach. He was playing with lesser players. Oh, I got an answer for you. Joe Montana. Joe Montana went to the Kansas City Chiefs. And you know what happened when he went there? The Kansas City Chiefs went to the playoffs.

All right. You fucking morons. Here's the deal. Mick Jagger needs Keith Richards. Bill Walsh needed Joe Montana. All right. And Bill Belichick is not going to win a fucking Super Bowl with Garoppolo, at least not in the first.

I mean, who knows what that kid can do, but at least not in the first fucking. It's so fucking stupid. I'll tell you right now. I mean, Belichick is so good. You can put anybody in there and they're going to win. Because we beat the Dolphins the second week with two or no. Oh, that's it.

That's it. Somehow now we're never going to lose a fucking game again. So, you know that chatter is going to happen because there's this Buffalo Wild Wings people all the way up to guys like Dan Shaughnessy. He's going to say it. You know, thank God, Garoppolo got hurt because Dan Shaughnessy, you know,

the fucking Benedict Arnold of Boston sports. He's, oh, this, that man lives to try to stir up a controversy to distract the hometown team. He doesn't give a fuck. You know what I mean? He's like Skip Bayless before Skip Bayless. It's just, you just listen to the man. It's just like, dude, you're just literally just saying shit, aren't you?

You just saying shit to say shit. And I'll tell you right now, because you believed in me. I dared to try. I dared to try. That's one of the worst. I mean, other than just racist things. Like, if you just get away from that, if we just like douche chills, as I learned that from OPI on the OPI Anthony show,

I always give them credit for that expression. It's just right up there. I mean, that's a top five all the time. The next time my wife compliments me, I'm going to say that to her because you believed in me. I dared to try. These are stories that need to be told. They're storytellers.

And without us giving people a voice. You know what else is great? You know, as the Emmys, I think the Emmys got scared by all the shit the Oscars got. You know, and what was funny is as many people of color that won. One of the funniest shots all night long was when, you know, if you looked, if they just would like do a shot behind Jimmy Kimmel and you saw the front row, it looked like a great mix of everybody. But when they did the shot, when they'd come back from commercial

and you saw the whole crowd, it was like from the thousandth row up to the third row, it was all white. It was like... It looked like a foreigner concert. From the back row all the way like the third row. But if they did it the way they shot it, they front-end loaded. Like the 15 black people that were there, they just had them all right in front. Some Asian people and all that, but all the way to the back.

I was joking with Nia, like if you live in New York City, every once in a while you go into one of those bodegas that's either dealing drugs or just going out of business. And it looks like it's fucking stocked with food. And you grab that one can of food and you look and there's like this and behind the shelves there's like there's nothing behind that can. This is just completely empty. So I did get some laughs while watching it.

And I got to be honest with you, most of the shows I really, you know, I mean that People vs. OJ was awesome. All it was, I'm just teasing the actors. It's just fucking funny watching them get all... Jesus Christ, the weight of every fucking thing that they say. It's just unbelievable. It's just like that inside the actor's studio. When that fucking guy just sits there like,

I hope you realize the presence of greatness that we are in. You know, it's just like Jesus Christ dude, you're pretending to be a fireman. Relax. It was so brave. It was such a brave performance. You know what I mean? There's this fucking people up there, you know, building skyscrapers and shit. All those guys who go up and they change.

You ever see those things? My palms literally sweat watching these people. They climb all the way up those towers to change the fucking light. The little light bulb at the top of the tower at the top of the fucking building so plane can see it at night. And they got that part where they unhooked the safety thing. Jesus Christ, putting on 20 pounds and wearing a wig is brave. What the fuck is that?

Huh? You can't die acting. Can you? Well, I guess you can. There's ways to die as an actor, right? The fake gun on set turns out it's got, you know, you put it up to your head. There's that. They fucking bring a helicopter.

People have died on set. So no disrespect to them. Anyways, plowing ahead. So I'm glad to finally get to address that stupid Matt Castle thing. Okay, no disrespect to Matt Castle. He was a solid quarterback, but Jesus Christ to fucking act like, Oh, hey, I mean, if you had Matt Castle or Tom Brady, the Patriots still go to six. Winning four out of six.

Come on. Come on, people, you know, the reality is, is what it is, is you fucking hate the Patriots and that there's any remote angle for you guys to criticize the Patriots. You try and find it. And I'm going to, I'm going to go even further. I think, all right, 20 years from now, when they look back at, and everybody can just fucking let it go, you know, even like, like the most harshest Red Sox fan that hated Derek Jeter, you know,

who's kidding who, because the guy was great, you know, even at the end of his career, even you couldn't hate the guy. I think 20 years from now, that's how good looking Tom Brady is. It's going to take 20 years after he retires. When they look back on the pettiness and the patheticness of, and the level of this fucking suspension, you know, I think in the end, Jim Ursay finally is going to be exposed for the fucking crybaby that he truly is. You know what I mean?

It's just really hard with ESPN now, how they try to fucking just blow everything up. Like, you know what's funny? The whole Colin Kaepernick sitting down during the National Anthem, the way they sat there and they just tried to fan the fucking flames of that, you know, then they'd have the camera for the whole song on, you know, a couple of guys taking a knee. There's like 45 guys standing up, two guys taking a knee, another guy sitting down, it's about police brutality.

We get it, right? But they're going to sit there and fail. It just, it drives me nuts. Did I talk about that last week, though, of just how everybody just turns it into themselves? Like those moments like that, like they just won't keep it on topic, which is this is protesting police brutality and just wanting a conversation and figuring out what are we doing? What are you doing?

How can we make this better? Because neither one of us wants this result overall because overall people are, I think they're good. All right. And there are scumbag, you know, obviously on both sides or whatever. Maybe you can fucking weed them out. I don't know how to do it. And it's just basically, there is no solution to it.

I don't have any, right? But what is funny is I was listening to this radio show. I can't remember if I talked about this last Thursday. It was fucking hilarious. And it was five white guys talking about it. And by the end of it, like there was no talking about police brutality. Why would that be? There's five white dudes talking about it.

And they're literally going, well, what about when, when you're, uh, when you're at home, when you're at home watching the game and the national anthem comes on, should, should you stand up then? No, you should, they were all afraid to say, no, no, you shouldn't. If you want to, you can, but you're in your house. Which great about being in your house is you finally get to be a hundred percent you, which means you're going to, you're barely going to have clothes on. You're going to be verbally abusing people.

You're going to be drinking a beer. You're going to say all kinds of fucked up shit to your television, which is why, by the way, if you have one of those smart TVs, if you ever want to run for president, you have got to put a piece of tape over that thing. And I don't know how to turn off the listening device, but I believe my paranoid me, I believe that they are video. If you leave it on, they are videotaping your, everything that they can get and recording everything that they can get so they can build this.

They can make this movie trailer about you, you know, someday. Well, you're either a fucking hero or you're just a complete piece of shit. Well, I guess they couldn't show it. Um, I guess they would always show it. If you didn't do what they wanted you to do, then they would just leak it out and be like, new shocking video discovered today on the internet of an eight year old, whatever, Obama, whatever,

saying this and this while he was watching eight ways to fuck your mother. I never know the name of the big bang theory. All right, that went off the rails. Didn't it 29 minutes a yammer and built Jesus fucking Christ. You know, some days the podcast is hard. Other days it's easy, but I just want to say to everybody who listens, because you dare to download. I dare to try.

Um, all right, let's, let's get some of the advertising out of the way for this week. So, um, you know, as much as I am shitting on Jim or say, I do not hate the Colts on any level. Um, I was watching them play and, uh, it's just fucking. It's just such a great fucking uniform. They're always going to be the Baltimore Colts to me. And, uh, Andrew Luck is the shit. Whenever he runs, he's like a hybrid of Steve Young and John Elway.

And, um, it's just a fucking Broncos. They're looking great, huh? They're looking great. Now those guys, if I was to an O is the Patriots to an O and we beat the Panthers. And then we beat, uh, we beat the Colts. I would be pretty excited. Um, oh, I got to talk about the ramps when I get back here. All right.

Here we go. A couple of reads here. People would have got one, two, three, four, five, five. All right. But you know what? People are learning that I can't read out loud. So the copies real quick. All right.

Here we go. All right. Track. Everybody track. Smart phones, smart homes. Technology has made everything wicked. Smart doctor, but losing your stuff makes smart people feel really stupid. Kid tracker makes losing things.

The thing in the past, Joe tracker is a coin size device that you can put on the back of somebody's neck as a coin size device. I'm actually not supposed to say that you're not supposed to use this to track people. Tracker is a coin size device that locates misplaced keys, wallets, bags, computers, anything in seconds. Just pair a tracker to your smartphone. I just pictured like trying to find your computer. They find it in two seconds and you look over and it's some big dude.

He could beat the shit out of you and you're just like, well, there it is. I know where it is and I guess I'm not getting it back. Just pair a tracker to your smartphone, attach it to anything and find its precise location with the tap of a button. It's that fucking easy. Lose your phone, press the button on tracker and your phone rings even when it's on silent. Oh, that's not creepy at all. How do you guys do that?

How do you turn my phone on? Is this like some side fucking project by the CIA or something like that? Why would they need extra money? What would they do? Maybe they're going to buy like 50th anniversary like Get Smart shoe phones. The government doesn't have enough money to pay for it. Well, you're going to have to figure out another way. What if we came up with a company that just tracks shit?

All right, with 1.5 million devices, Tracker is the largest crowd GPS network in the world, world, world. So your lost item shows up on the map even if it's miles away. How do we get it? Never lose anything again with Tracker. You've established this. Listeners to this show get a special discount of 30% off your entire order. Go to the spell T H E.

Wow. They're really talking down to you guys. Spell T H E. Tracker. T R A C K E R dot com and enter promo code burr. The hardest thing you'll ever have to find is their website. Once again, go to tracker dot com right now and enter the promo code burr for 30% off your entire order. Again, that's tracker dot com promo code bird.

Oh, here we go. Me on D's. Me on D's. The Pats are fucking two and oh, but do do do beyond D's beyond D's. Here we further fucking go. We're gonna go for and fucking. Oh, we'll have our balls dragging in tow, but they'll feel soft cause they're wearing me on D's underneath their fucking cups. Oh, yeah.

Tom Brady comes back in two weeks. We really mean it. Fuck. Jim or say, I hope he wears a jockstrap. All right. Whether you're wearing a suit or sweats, you spend almost 24 hours a day in your underwear unless you're a fucking pervert. And you're free. But instead of making a statement like Superman's tights under his everyday clothes, your underwear is probably boring.

Well, me on D's is here to change that. They're here to jazz up your fucking underwear. All right. Every pair of me on D's is made by sustainable source Motel. A fabric that's twice as soft as cotton allegedly. Nothing can describe the fit and feel of me on D's once it gets up against your undercarriage. You know what I mean? You'll start doing scissor kicks just to enjoy it.

I mean, what those are. But once you try them on, maybe lesbians could do that, put it on and just do that little bump and grind up against each other. Like, oh my God, it's even more amazing. But once you try them on, you'll understand why they're called the world's most comfortable underwear. And if you don't love your first pair of underwear, they're free. No questions asked. Me on D's has dozens of styles and limited edition prints to help you make a statement with your underwear. Limited edition prints.

Check out the Rod Stewart from 1978. Whether anyone can see them or not, remember Superman. All right, shipping is free in the United States and Canada. You can save up $8 up to $8 a pair with me on the subscription plan. Get the subscription or a single pair. Get 20% off your first order when you go to me on these.com. That's me on these.com slash bur for 20% off your first order me on these.com slash bur. All right.

Oh, Jesus, do all the shave club do do all the shave club keeps getting better. This is the last one. And then I'll go back to the podcast. They sat at four years ago by delivering their amazing affordable razors and they've grown to over 3 million members who no longer overpay for a quality morning shave. And now new members can get their first pair for free. Dollar Shave Club is so much more than razors. They have a mission. They want you to look good, smell good and feel your best.

And they've they've been investing millions in RAD, R&D, whatever that is, developing their own original grooming formulas for your face, hair and body. Yeah, they also want to make bazillions of dollars and get some horse. Let's not forget about that. All right. The stuff is amazing. Pre and post shave formulas, skin protection formulas, killer hair styling products and literally the most amazing soap and body wash you'll ever use. The store experience is awful. All the stuff looks the same.

There's too many options and no one's there to help you find the products that are right for you. Do you have any idea why you picked the shampoo or body wash you do? Seriously, just get all your grooming stuff shipped from Dollar Shave Club. Yeah, you never have to fucking go there again. Every time you walk into Rite Aid in one of those places, there's a zillion fucking people there and one old person trying to develop pictures, right? And then the fat fucking wants to get ice cream. You don't want to stand in that line. Give it a try.

Once you get in there, you'll see the products work amazing. The service is world-class and there's no comp, commitment, no hidden fees. You can cancel whenever you want. Get your first month for free at dollarshaveclub.com. Just pay shipping and it's only a few bucks. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. All right. Back to the podcast.

Let's talk about the ramps. Yeah. Oh, by the way, people waiting for me to talk about formula one racing. I didn't get a chance to see the race because all of that shit is recorded on my TV at home. So I guess when I go over there today to do the elliptical elliptical is I try to melt what's left of this fucking belly off. Before my special, um, I'll sit down and watch it. I heard it's an amazing race. It was in Singapore, which I've had the privilege of going to one time and doing it had a great time doing a show there.

So I'm looking forward to it. I've somehow been able to avoid seeing who won. And now that I've said that, I know there's trolls out there. So I will not be looking at any of my fucking devices today until I watch it. So anyways, let's talk about the Los Angeles Rams. Oh, the poor Rams, the poor fucking Rams. You know, they fucking left LA Memorial Coliseum in 1979. I'm done with this town.

I'm sick of you, mom and dad. You'll see. I'm going to come back one day and you'll understand why you should have bought me a new stadium, right? And then they went down to Anaheim, right? Felling with the new crowd, you know, and they promised them a new stadium and they didn't give them one. And then they were like, what the hell with you? You just like my parents. Then they moved to St. Louis.

And they got a still another shitty fucking stadium. But despite that, they learned to overcome. And they won. They won a Super Bowl in 1999, the greatest fucking show on turf, right? Of course, they lost to the Patriots in 2001, but you know, that's life. You have your good days and your bad days. All right, isn't that right there, Ricky Perle? The dynasty begins.

Really? Is that what happened, Ricky? Oh, Ricky. Anyway, so now like all these years later, it's like they back in the LA Memorial Coliseum. They fucking come back 37 years later to move back in with their fucking parents while they get this shit together. It's like they went through a divorce. They found love in St. Louis. They thought it was great.

And then like 20 years into that marriage, you know, the partner came out and just said, listen, I'm gay. You know, it's not that I didn't love you, but I just need to explore this part of me. I need to be who I am. And the Rams were like, what the fuck? And then they had to move back in with their parents while they get their shit together. But they still got that Super Bowl money. So they got a new stadium. So it's the next couple of years.

It's like a sitcom. They got, there's a great, you know what? There's a premise right there for a sitcom. Somebody was married for 20 fucking years. Their other partner comes out, says that they're gay. So they got to move back in with their parents. You keep the gay character there. So you win an Emmy, right?

Right? Because you did. You write it. I had the courage to say it. Right? You get a fucking Emmy. Jesus Christ. That could come on right after the Big Bang Theory.

Somebody for the love of God, go out and write that. Because God knows I'm not going to. Anyways, that's what the Rams are. What the fuck would that be called? You got the classic moving in with your, that's great. You got the classic moving back in home to your hometown with your parents. But because you're addressing somebody being gay, then the critics got to go easy because they don't want to look homophobic.

Oh, this fucking, this, this, this trope. Again. Oh, that's perfect. That's fucking perfect, right? And then you throw an Asian character in there. A couple of people of color, right? Get a nice mixed cast going like they had back in the 70s. Remember Fish?

They had a young Willis was on that show. You had Sanford and Son. You had the Jeffersons. You had all these great fucking shows. And then the 80s came and Reagan came in and he said, ah, take the solar panels off the White House. Make the sitcoms white again, right? Jesus Christ.

And then what happened? What was the fallout? You had those six people dancing in the fountain in the nineties. We went in and they boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo, the whitest fucking song that's ever been written. We do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Bop-bop-bop-bop-boop-boop-bop. And then they'll go. Right.

How do I know that? Because I got a lady in my life. I'll be honest with you. I actually, Joey's character. Joey's fucking hilarious on friends. I haven't seen that many of them. But you can get through them because you knew Joey was going to say something funny. And Jennifer Aniston was fucking smoking hot.

Not that she still isn't. You know what I mean? I don't have to apologize to the ageism crowd here. But you could somehow get through it. Like, Joey would say something to help you get through the episode. But I got to tell you, when they would dance in the fountain, like, I always just thought that that was a network note where they were just like, all right, you motherfuckers, you want to fucking all gang up together and negotiate

and hold us over a barrel? We'll give you a million dollars in episode, but you know what? You're going to dance in a fucking fountain to the whitest song ever. And a party is going to die. When you watch, when you really watch the opening credits of that, you can see the girls don't give a fuck, right? But you can see it in the guys. You can see a part of them dies each season when they do that.

We ain't getting in there. Really? We got to be in the fountain. Why did they have to dance? Okay, let's plow ahead here. Anyways, Cleo, what are you doing? Why are you staring at me? Huh?

You bent out. You had your food. You're tail wagging on the ground. You had your food. Right? Cleo? All right, I don't have time to do this. Let's get back to the ramps.

So they fucking come back. Their first home opener, you got to love that they go back to the blue and the yellow uniforms, which is exactly what they should be wearing. That should not be their third jersey. That should be their first jersey. You had all the fans wearing the old school fucking Pat Hayden and Eric Dickerson jersey. It was even though Dickerson never played in that stadium, but it was fucking great. It was so great to see you.

And then look, who was across the street? Who was on the other sideline? It was so perfect. Old Pete Carroll. Old pistol Pete Carroll. Returning to the scene of the crimes. Right? If I was him, I would have been nervous.

You know, like, am I going to get arrested by the fucking NCAA? You know, at halftime, you finally get to question me. But you know, he was just doing what everybody else did. It's fine. I actually know something. The USC really got fucking, they got screwed over in that, taken back a Heisman trophy. I mean, come on, because what USC was doing what everybody else does at that level. College football is fucking filthy.

Nobody got fucked over more than the Buckeyes though. At a time when those guys, what are they, signed jerseys so they could get free tattoos? Something like that. I don't know, Bill, you could look it up. You could maybe get your fucking ducks in a row, figure out what's going on. This is one of these weeks I just have too much shit to talk about. I had an amazing fucking time when I was in Durham playing the Carolina Theater. What a fucking gem that place is.

The crowds were great. My fucking act is still for some reason an hour and 50 minutes long. I got to figure out how to cut this thing down. But I still had a great time. And some of the greatest food I've ever had when I've been on the road. I didn't realize that Duke University wasn't Durham. I had no idea. And I was just walking around going like, why the fuck in this random town

that's like a half hour away from Raleigh, the state capitol has all this great food. This is incredible. And then I just kept seeing Duke, Blue Devil gear, people wearing hats and shit. And I was just like, oh, I'm an idiot. This is a college town. And I'm actually, I got to give a shout out to a couple places. We had this place, the federal. If you ever go there, they got these black bean burger sliders that are incredible.

And then I went to arguably the best soul food restaurant I've ever been to. And I've been to a lot of bad ones. A lot of bad ones. Over the years, I've been talked into that man, why people don't know how to cook? You under-season your food and blah, blah, blah, blah. So you fucking go in there and what do you get? You get a weak ass waffle and some dry fucking chicken. And there is nothing fucking worse than dry chicken.

Chicken is the greatest taste in food. There is. Everybody loves it. It's fucking delicious. And there's nothing better than when it's cooked right. But when it's dried out to eat dry chicken, it's literally a job. Like your job gets sore. You know, like I bet in the future, when people want to avoid getting a double chin,

they're going to have the dry chicken workout. And you just eat half a fucking chicken that's dried. And you just sit there chewing that shit. And you develop these jaw muscles that prevents you from getting like that Joey Ramon. You know, the thing that he had where it just goes chin right to the center of your chest. Um, the pelican chin. Um, so anyways, this place was called Dames, D-A-M-E apostrophe S. And when you go there, I'm actually going to, I'm going to go online right now

and I'm going to get to the fucking menu. You got to try their fucking chicken cutlet. They had a chicken cutlet with this barbecue sauce and Dean Del Ray who fucking crushed it all week. Um, he, uh, he got the shrimp. So he had this hot sauce. So I had this barbecue sauce to put it in. And I also had, um, this hot sauce to put it in. Oh my God, look, just look at that fucking food.

Uh, chicken and waffle inspiration. What's, what's the one? I got the option like the Dames option because you could actually pick out Dames daily deal, right? Serve Tuesday. Now that's not it. I'll never be able to find it. It was basically something, it was, you could, it was an option that you could, it was the Dames something or other, but what was cool was you got to pick out the chicken you wanted, the part of the chicken.

So I went with the chicken cutlet and I got a waffle and we actually took it to go and brought it back to the hotel room. So we ate it about 15 minutes later. So it still, it traveled great. I can't imagine if I actually just sat there and ate it. Like there was already a line out the door and I heard the guy was going to open another one. Once again, it's called Dames chicken and waffles in Durham, North Carolina. It was fucking amazing. And, uh, and then the bar we would go to, we went to the federal and they just had all these great beers.

And, um, yeah, it was amazing. There was a couple of beers that I tried. I had one that was actually 9.7% alcohol. I took a picture of it. It had like a fucking, it had like, it almost looked like the Rolling Stones, except the tongue wasn't out. You know, just had like lips. It's called Hell Yes, Ma'am. Belgian style golden.

And, uh, if you Google a picture of it and you look on the can, 32 full ounces, 9.2% alcohol. Cause you know, beer is going to give you a belly. So you might as well get to it. You want to drink a beer that's still right there, Fred. They had some great local beers. It was another one that I had every night, just had like one and, um, we had a great time and, uh, turned out the, uh, North Carolina Tar Heels football team was at home against James Madison University. And I was like, fuck it, man, I gotta go.

I gotta go. We went over there. Had a great time. It was hot as balls. We sat at the top of the stadium. It was, you know, so we'd have a little bit of shade. It was still a great time and, uh, absolutely no defense in that game in the first half. We saw eight touchdowns total.

It was 35-21. Um, I mean, every way you could fucking score on offense. It was really flicker, the fucking running back, coming out of the backfield and just runs a, just a sideline route and nobody picks him up. And basically something that should have gone for six yards or maybe a pick six. If you sniffed it out, went for like 80 yard touchdown. Um, it was incredible. Uh, but, um, so that was, and I was sitting there going, wow, that was like the, that's the fourth or fifth ACC team I've seen, um, out of all of them. It was, uh, let's see.

I've seen Boston College, North Carolina State when I went there for two semesters before they, they enclosed the state. I remember I sat on grass. I had grass seats. That's how long ago this was. It was like 1987. Um, Jesus, Cleo, what do you got? Fleas? You're itching over there.

I've seen North Carolina Tar Heels and I've seen the University of Miami. So slowly, but surely with my OCD, I'm going to, I'm going to knock out the ACC. Eventually I would like, by the time I look at my seventies to gone to almost every major program out there. Um, and I know that sounds fucked up, but it's, it's fun as hell and it, it makes doing the road kind of easy. You know, like, um, I've seen, uh, I've seen like what, by the end of this, this football season, let's see. This year I'm going to see Carolina. I'm going to see Nebraska. I'm going to see Florida LSU and, uh, I think I might hang out in Nashville and go to that Vanderbilt game.

And then I'll have seen like, I don't know, like 18 to 20 college football teams, but, um, I don't know. I've kind of gotten into that shit. Like being able to name like obscure divisions. Like what's the one is it Mountain West where it's, it's like Wyoming, New Mexico, Nevada, UNLV, Air Force, Hawaii. And then it's all the state teams, Boise State, Colorado State, Utah State, San Jose State, Fresno State, San Diego State. I think I missed one in there. Um, and going to those ones, everybody wants to go to the big house and shit. You go to some of those, dude, you get, you can kick fucking great games, great games.

And then what's cool is you might get lucky and that might be like the next Randy Moss who for whatever he did something in high school. They got blamed for some shit or just fucked up in school and you get to see, you know, some great player down there. You may just stumble upon somebody who's just completely dominating. Cleo, why are you so fucking needy today, man? What's going on with you? Um, it's coming up here. Just putting a head right in my lap. Hey, hey, hey, watch the wires.

Watch the wires. All right. I got to wrap this thing up. Let me, uh, I haven't done the questions yet. Um, oh, by the way, how many more people are going to score a touchdown and drop the ball before they get into the end zone? If I was a coach, I would just be like, I don't give a fuck what you do once you get in the end zone, but, but move the ball forward. Stop doing this, dropping it behind you. Jesus fucking Christ.

It's like almost every week now at the pro or the college level, somebody goes and does it. And then they have this shocked fucking look on their face like they've never seen somebody do it. Um, how bad did, what was that team? Was it the Longhorns that could completely fucked over? They said that they didn't recover the ball. What do you mean? The ball was just laying there and the guy went over and he picked it up. Was that the game?

It was a California game. It was a California against Texas, Cal versus Texas. Um, but I just saw the highlight. So I didn't hear when they blew the whistle or what happened. I don't know if the reps fucked up like that, but, uh, seem like Texas totally got fucked over on that one. So anyway, so let me get to the, uh, the questions here for this week. Um, all right. Where are the questions content for this week?

All right. Weight loss and nutrition. Hey, Bill, a little tip for your healthy nutrition program preparation to do the special. Oh, I could use all the help I can get, dude. 48 some motherfucker, man. Um, on your last podcast, you mentioned during that first week of a healthy diet, you can lose a lot of weight. I think in kilograms, I don't know how much you've lost. Uh, I lost in pounds.

Here's the, here's the tip. You are indeed able to lose a lot of weight during the first week, but it's not, but it is not fat. It's just water. What happens is while you're eating unhealthy, your body absorbs a lot of water. If you eat carbs, pastas, rice, potatoes, fruits, your body will keep on absorbing water. Uh, it will make you look and feel bigger, which is good when you're building muscle. If you want to look good on your special, cut carbs a little bit, eat vegetables and meat a few times a day. Your body will be forced to burn fat and it will not absorb so much water.

You can lose a lot quickly. I hope it helps. Love just showing Antwerp. Go fuck yourself. Polish guy working in Luxembourg and living in Belgium. Okay. Um, all right. I'll give that kind of sounds like the Atkins diet, which I always get worried about like, uh, you know, I guess I'll just eat healthy. I just remember when the Atkins diet came out, people like, dude, I can eat bacon all day. I keep losing weight.

It's like, dude, you're not going to want to look at your plumbing after that. I can eat bacon all day. But now there's a new diet where people are just like, it's just sugar, cut out sugar and flour. And then you can drink butter. I drink butter in the morning and it helps me burn fat. This is a whole new thing. Who the fuck knows? Like literally like how to lose weight is like, you know, it's like religions.

You know what I mean? Every fucking one of them has some zany fucking way. But they all basically go to the same thing that you go to heaven and heaven, I guess, is losing your fucking weight in this shit. But I have no idea. Anyways, new Carlin album. Dear Billy yogurt legs, are you excited for this new Carlin album? I haven't even heard about it. Oh yeah, wait a minute.

I did hear it. They thought it was too harsh. He recorded it before 9 11 and they didn't release it because it had material that was definitely not appropriate for what was going on at the time. I've heard great things, but who knows? Thanks for the laughs. Oh, absolutely. When is it coming out? I got to buy that on vinyl.

I'm absolutely excited about that. He is. I mean, as far as greatest of all time, I have Richard Pryor and then George Carlin just for their bodies of work and how, you know, they truly took everything. Lenny Bruce, Mort Saul and all those guys did before them. Woody Allen, Bill Cosby and they just took it into the modern era. And kind of like, I don't know that anybody has really gone beyond it. Like they just sort of, they just blew it wide open and I just don't feel like you can do it better than those guys. All right, Hillary Clinton.

Hey, Bill, legit question. Do you think Hillary Clinton is healthy enough to be president? Yes. She seems like she's in really rough shape now. They're just overreacting. She's running for president for a year and a half. She's under a tremendous amount of fucking stress. That's going to happen.

All right. Don't you think, don't you remember the time fucking Bush, the first Bush like puked on himself and did a fucking face plant when he was in Japan. He was fine. Don't you think if Gary Johnson got on the debates, it would steer things in the right direction. Now it would probably give Trump the White House. He lines up with Bernie on 83% of his views, but because he's a libertarian, the youth won't jump on board like they did Bernie and he has a legit shot at winning. Only 4% of the US voted in the primaries. I checked all these stats.

So go ahead and call me out if you want. No, no, no, I can't because I don't check any stats. It's your tendency to call out stats. So I've made sure to look them up. I think Hillary has been in the game too long and it's just torn her body apart. And also, what do you think about Colin power saying that Bill Clinton has been dicking bimbos all over the house in a leaked email? Well, that's not surprising. I mean, everybody knew that.

Everybody knows that. Everybody knows that about that guy. And that's why Hillary Clinton is just fucking weird to me. The fact that she's still with the guy because you know, you know, it's a business relationship. And that has that I will fucking do anything. Like Hillary Clinton in different areas is just as terrifying as Trump. But I don't know, just this overt fucking racist group of people and the fact that they're yelling out the N word. You know, at Trump rallies, at least they have it on video that that happened and Trump never fucking addressed it.

Is really, it's just, I could never get behind that guy. It's just too fucking. It's just it's too fucking depressing watching people. Did you did you hear that I fucked that N word that fucking guy and it's just like, dude, like the level of intellect that Obama has versus what you have. The fact that you sit there and try to reduce them like that, it's just so fucking pathetic and sad. And the fact that now that those kinds of people feel that they have they have a fucking voice. And God knows I'm not just singling out that one guy because you go on any YouTube video that remotely has anybody who isn't fucking white in it. You can't go more than fucking scroll down one page before it turns into this horrific.

Like I just I just for the life of me don't understand why people are racist. I just don't I don't get it. I don't just I'm not saying that you don't have fucking racist thoughts. You know, as far as I do, I'm doing this bit now. I'm kind of going to burn it here just like late at night. It basically I'm a cool guy when the sun's up and when the sun goes down, the fear comes up. You start thinking you start making snap judgments. You know what I mean?

Everybody. There's nobody. Mother Teresa, if she was scared with would think something fucked up that if it was actually spoken, she would owe somebody an apology. And I think everybody fucking does it on all sides. But like, I don't know to sit there and think like, yeah, I'm going to type this and hit send and send this hateful fucking shit. I don't know. I find it incredibly depressing where if you if you're a stand up comedian or if you're in any sort of show business, you're anything where you travel. All right.

And you get to meet all different kinds of people. You definitely get like a like almost like that astronaut experience, you know, like when they fly around and they get to stand back and look at the globe and see how beautiful it is. And then, you know, when they land, they're like, they start crying at like a stoplight. Comedians get like sort of the same thing is you get to travel around. You get to meet all these people. And then, you know, you meet all these cool people, but then you meet those people that never leave where they're from. And then their worldview, you just want to be like, it's not like that, dude, you just need to, you know, it's just it's overwhelmingly fucked. At least that's been my experience that it's fucking overwhelmingly depressing.

Oh, man, I got into it with somebody in Durham that came backstage, dude, it was fucking hilarious. And oh, my God, I pissed that guy off. He goes, well, I don't want to say what we're talking about. He goes, how do you know? How do you know I haven't had that experience? And I said, I could tell by your shirt and he just goes, fuck you. I got all fucking mad. And just to be honest, I wasn't shitting on the guy like the money he was making, but I was talking about like being like doing business.

For the United States in a foreign country, okay, being like a diplomat and that type of thing, like that level thing. And this guy showed up in these fucking like this fucking shirt that like anybody who makes $40 a week, this thing would be retired to the back of their closet. He just showed he just had the worst fucking shirt ever angry, angry motherfucker. And I knew when the second he fucking walked in, I fucking knew it. When he goes like, hey, you really came down on the south. You really came down the south. They said, nah, I was fucking around. I love it down here.

So he immediately was doing that. And then at some point when I was just chilling and just talking, he's going, you know, he goes, you're a good guy. You know, I like meeting good people. I like meeting good people. That is code for this guy's feeling you out to eventually say something racist amongst white people. I like meeting good people. Like what the fuck is that? Oh, really?

I like meeting bad people. I like meeting good people, you know? And then then I gradually, then they go a little for good, you know, Christian people, white people. And my Nia said last night, she goes, people who stand up during the national anthem and just it gradually, they're feeling you out. You know, they've had a couple of pops. Hey, can I fucking drop a couple of n bombs around you? I like meeting good people. I felt like I was on the 700 club.

I was like, dude, you got to get the fuck away from me. All right. And you know what? I literally said to the guy, I was like, dude, you're fucking scaring me. You're making me fucking nervous. And he kind of like backed off or whatever. And then by the end of it, you know, I made the mistake. I want to say I brought up politics and then it just went down that fucking road.

And then I just literally, I ended up tapping out. I just got to the point like, dude, we're not going to agree. This is stupid. All right. You just got mad. I don't want to do this. And then he tried to be like, I am sad, but you know, I liked about the guy. I could see he was trying not to be a complete fucking lunatic.

But dude, I'm telling you, this guy was wound tight. This guy was wide open. All right. Fiancé breaks it off. Well, you know, something as much. I don't even know we need to read any further. Thank God this person did that then before you had to give away half of your shit. Well, you had a kid and then you got this person had to be in your life for the rest of your life.

Okay. Uh, Rouge, Rouge tinted William. My fiance was a bit of a case, uh, raised in an odd Christian cult, escaped it, uh, in high school, spent most of her adult life working to support her family that was still in the cult. Wow. Eight years ago, she met me six years ago. We started a relationship. It had its ups and downs and it was very loving and helped change both of us for the better.

A year ago, I finally proposed to her after we both became financially successful enough to support our own household. Uh, okay. So you both on equal ground. That's good. Shortly after that, she lost one of her close friends, then her grandfather. Uh, we got through it together and I thought it brought us even closer. Everything was going peachy, right? Well, at this time, Cleo, get up here.

Come here. Get up here. All right. Just lay down, fucking relax. All right. Well, she fully converted. Okay. Everything's going, uh, peachy.

Well, at this time, her family and her cult leaders saw an opening and after a month or two, she started going back to the meetings. Since I didn't want to be the closed minded guy and clinging near husband, I let her go to those meetings. Oh God. Her beliefs are hers and mine are mine and everyone's happy. Right. She's totally converted back. Her family threatened to shun her unless she married someone of the same faith. And since her cult holds proselytizing as one of the highest values, highest virtue, she tried to convert me.

I was going to guess that that's what that meant. I can't say the word, which is basically going out and getting more members. I told her, everyone of my experiences led me to believe that her beliefs weren't right for me and, uh, relatable at all to me. I didn't see a future where I believed in the same religious things as she did, but I did mine not, I did mine her believing in different things, but I didn't mind her believing in different things. All right, dude. You've been totally honest. You've handled this perfectly like a champ.

Then a month she called the wedding off and broke it off with me. So I did the do thing. Drank, worked out, picked up new hobbies. Hobbies. Sorry. I was thinking horse. Hobbies. Hobbies and vacation in the country halfway, uh, half the world away.

I was relaxing on the beach in said country when someone from her cult approaches me and tries to convert me. What the fuck? Yeah. What you're, you're in a different country. How do I get over the love of my life while still staying true to my, to myself? You freckled cunt. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Visit Western Canada sometime soon.

Uh, dude, she did you a favor, man. She did you a fucking favor. Get away from that shit, man. Like, like you can't be with somebody where their religious, where their religion is telling them who to love. All right. Her now trying to get you converted is because she still loves you and that type of thing. So, uh, yeah, I think your best case scenario of trying to get this woman back is to just completely cut her out of your life. Just ignore and get on with your life.

Who knows? You might find someone else first and be, I want to be with this person or she'll just finally be so fucking miserable in that and realize the happiness she had with you and she'll go to you. But you can't go to her because if you go to her, you're going to come off weak and she's going to try to drag you down into the fucking dark waters of that fucking cult. So I say you get on with your life. All right. That's the best, the best case scenario for you to meet somebody new and that's the way you get over. Just get on with your life. You know, and, uh, you know, when you love somebody, it doesn't totally go away, but it definitely fades like a fucking old tattoo.

All right. Um, you know, that's, that's the best you could do. You'll be fine, man. You'll meet somebody else and, you know, who knows, dude, even if she did fucking leave, you know, did you, did you really want to be sitting there? You know, one morning you wake up, the sun's coming up through your window and you look out and there's like a couple of cult people standing there. You know, freaking out. We just want to talk to her. You don't need the Manson family knowing where the fuck you are and approaching you.

Jesus Christ, dude. Please tell me, I mean, sitting on a beach and that's like, that's like invasion of the body snatchers. All right. Grease and retirement. Hey there, Billy Baklava. My wife and I just got back from our honeymoon in Greece. Oh, congratulations. Did you go to Santorini?

I heard it's fucking incredible. Is that how you say it? We've never been there, but we, but knew we'd love it. So we made sure to stay for a couple of weeks while there. We were listening to your podcast on our balcony drinking wine and you mentioned something about health and weight as you usually do. And it made me think about how Greece was really put on earth for Bill Burr. If you get to the right spot, Bill, I'm telling you, the food is fresh. The air is amazing and there is so much walking and feeling all good and feeling all around good.

Sorry. I think you'd really enjoy the pace here. I know you just got back from Capri, but you should consider Greece the next time you go away with Nia. My wife and I already want to retire here in 20 years. We're 30. You're going to retire in 20 years? Jesus. That's amazing.

I hope you make it. I hope you don't hurt anybody to get there, but I hope you make it. Would you ever leave the States if we have kids? It may be difficult, but we maintain some some some semblance of a plan. It could happen. Any thoughts on the pros or cons of that? Well, the thing about when you leave the good old USA is you're leaving the good old USA. It's a great fucking country and I love it.

And secondly, wherever you go, you're always going to be considered a foreigner and people don't mind tourists. When you come over there and you're spending money, but now when you're not leaving and you're taking jobs away from other people, all of a sudden the Trump people over there don't like you and you're going to have to deal with that. And your kids are going to have to deal with that. So I don't know. I would continue to visit. That's what I would do, but I'm not telling you what to do either. You know what I mean?

If you want to fucking live over there, if I was going to live anywhere, I would live in France. And I would live just outside of Paris in someplace quiet. And I would, I would become totally fluent, but I would miss, I would miss the United States. I mean, I love it here, man. I mean, I'm not like you. You could go live somewhere else. I can't. So yeah, I mean, if that feels right, there's a lot of people that do it, you know, people move down to Costa Rica.

A lot of conspiracy theorists and that type of shit. So I don't know, but Greece is definitely, Greece and Spain are definitely on the list. I'd like to see as many places as I possibly can in my lifetime, if that's possible. Cleo, knock it off. Hello. Oh, okay. Jesus Christ. He fucking puts the bad ears up.

Bad ears up. I get all nervous. Hey, you going to take her out? I'm going to put her up in there. Oh, whoa, whoa. Cleo, look what you did. All right. I got to wrap this thing up and then I got to go to work.

All right. I got to read a couple of advertisements here, everybody. Oh, simply safe, everybody. Thousands of people seeking home security get ripped off every day. And the home security industry wants you to believe it's your only option. They have hordes of salesmen out there trying to scare you into signing one of their long-term contracts. You get stuck writing huge checks month after month. No way out.

It's robbery by contract and it can cost you a thousand. But there's a better way to protect your home. Simply safe home security. Simply safe has no contracts. None. You'll get award-winning 24 seven protection named best in the industry. Security professionals watching ready to instantly send the police. And it's just 1499 per month.

That's less than half of what most companies charge. Protect your home the smart way. Protect your home the smart way. Visit simply safe bird.com. Go right now and you'll also get free shipping on your order and a free key chain remote worth $25. It takes only a minute. That's simply safe bird.com. Simply safe bird.com.

And finally, lastly, but not leastly, stamps.com. Trips to the post office have probably become second nature to you. They seem easy because you've been doing them doing your mailing and shipping that way for so long. But think about all the hassles man. Drop in what you're doing, driving there, finding parking, the long line, all of that shit trying to all you put it in the wrong box. This is priority not express waiting all of that shit. There's a much better way to do it in that stamps.com. Stamps.com is the easiest is easy and convenient is the easy and convenient way to get posted right from your desk.

They make it easy to get exact postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail, the instant you need it. No expensive postage meters to lease and no more trips to the post office. You have to try it. I use stamps.com whenever I send out any of my posters. Hopefully that's going to be soon for that week during when I'm in Washington D.C. I'm thinking about making a poster. Sign up for free. I'm sorry.

Sign up for stamps.com and use my last name Burr for this special offer four week trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes postage in a digital scale. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr that stamps.com enter Burr. And lastly, but not leastly, if you want to donate to this podcast without having to spend a dime, next time you're going to go to amazon.com and buy something. Just swing by my website, billburr.com, click on the podcast page, click on the Amazon link. I know that's three extra links, whatever, three extra little clicks of your mouse. They'll take you right to Amazon.

I get credit for driving traffic there. It doesn't increase the price of anything that you buy. They kick me a little bit of money. Donates to the podcast. If you want to, if not, I get it. All right. So that's the podcast for this week. Patriots play on fucking Thursday.

I don't even know who they play. I'm so fucking busy, but very excited to see if we can go 3 and 0, 3 and 0 with the third stringer. Who knows? Garoppolo might be back. No idea. No idea. But it's very exciting times in New England. Yet another amazing chapter, right?

And they never say dive. Boston sports. That's it, everybody. We're just better than you. I'm fucking with you, but I am enjoying it. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday. I'll check in on you.