Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-19-22

Episode Date: September 19, 2022

Bill rambles about kids movies, 'drinkable water', and handling a shitty teacher. Fenway Merch: https://silkshopstores.com/billburrmerch/shop/products/all?page=1 True Classic: Get 25% Off  at trueclassic.com with code [BURR] Free shipping included on purchases over $100. Solo Stove: Use promo code BURR at solostove.com for an extra $10 off Simplisafe: Claim a free indoor security camera plus 20% off with Interactive Monitoring. SIMPLISAFE.com/burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, September 19th, 2022. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? How'd you do yesterday, you gambling lunatics? As of right now, I picked four games against the spread. No freckles is 0-3. I got the Bears laying 10. No, giving 10. No, getting 10. Laying, giving, getting. They're getting 10. All they got to do is not lose, but 10 or I'm going to do the disgraceful. I'm going to go 0-4. Nice defense. Nice fucking defense. There we go. Third down, 10-46 to go in the first quarter. If you're rewatching the game with me, who'd you take, Bill? Who'd you take yesterday? First of all, I bet against my

own team because I just fucking, I don't know. I just got a bad feeling this year, right? And I should have known Bill Belichick coming off a loss, playing the Steelers. We always beat the Steelers. How many fucking times can we beat the fucking Steelers? Didn't mean to knock that over. The fucking, you know, Mitch Trabitsky, I like that guy. His big fucking thing is he'll take a sack. Other than that, I think he's a solid quarterback. And I don't know. I took the pass. I mean, that guy should at least knock that ball down. That fucking bullshit touchdown you gave up Pittsburgh before the fucking half that ended up being the difference. We ended up winning the goddamn game, although I didn't see the second half

because I took my daughter to go see one of these, these frigging movies, and I'm fucking done with these fucking kid movies. The two things they want to do, give them nightmares and make them cry. Every fucking one of them. Every fucking one of them. You know, it starts off, your kids happy halfway through. They introduce the fucking creep. You know, these are kids. They haven't met assholes yet, unless you're a bad parent. You know, can they fucking you keep them in the Santa Claus world? Even those old Santa Claus ones, you know, in that fucking abominable snowman comes out, starts fucking screaming and shit. You sit down, you forget. You're like, oh, I'm gonna, this is gonna be a great little bonding experience.

And you start off, you're having a great time. And about fucking 40 minutes into the movie, your kids sitting in your lap going, dad, I'm scared. I don't, I don't want to do this. You know, I don't know. There's always like some, some sort of fucking painful backstory. You know, and, you know, and then the other thing too, is then when they finally fucking win, the good guy comes back and wins. Can they just end the fucking movie? Oh good. We did it. They just keep more obstacles, more obstacles, more obstacles. Drag it out. It's no suspense. It's a kids movie. We know the fucking good guys are going to win. Just end it. The parents want to go home. They just keep going and going. I mean, I lost fucking

track with this fucking movie. How many times it just kept going and going and going and going. Jesus Christ. And then I have to do this fucking move. And if I do this move, I'm going to fucking die. And then of course he does it. Then I got, well, how are they going to not going to make him fucking die if he does it? Jesus Christ. My kids sit in my lap the whole fucking time. Anyway, so I missed the second half is what I was trying to say there. I had such fucking high hopes for that. I was like, you know what? Being a fucking great dad here. You know, I was going to hang an ex today in Philly and go see Porcupine Tree. I said, no, I'm not doing that. I'm doing the exact opposite. As much

as I love that band, I'm going to take a 6.30 a.m. flight. I'm going to land at fucking nine something out in LA. I'm going to hang with my kid all day, you know, the kiddos. And then I'm next day, I'm going to watch a little bit of football, but I'm going to the movies. All right, we're having a dad weekend. All right. Then I lost all my bets. And my kid got scared at the movie. And then the whole fucking thing went to shit. It all went to shit. It was actually a good movie. I just, I guess my kid is an old and the really great reality is I don't think my kid's old enough to see those kinds of movies. It has to be a straight rated G movie because it was a really good movie. Like I was, I couldn't

enjoy the movie because my kid was getting scared, but I actually liked the movie. There we go. See that? See, this is the new me. I flip out, I scream and yell. And then I go, you know what? You're right. It was actually, it's actually me. Maybe I could have looked at the rating. I mean, I don't know. I, I, I figure it's a, if it's a fucking cartoon, you know, I don't know. Anyway, Pat's one fucking psyched about that. I didn't feel bad betting against him because I figured no matter what, you know, I'd be happy. Either I win my bet or they win the game. It's kind of a good thing. You know, there's not, not a lot of happiness as you're going fucking on your way to going 0 and 4. Did he get another

first down fucking Aaron Rogers? How the fuck did he end up down there? Third and fifth team. Come on. Come on. Come on. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get all fucking. Yes. There you go. Down on the ground. Yeah. Now celebrate like you just won the game. Yeah. They're still going to get what that was not a home run. It was not a home run. It was a sacrifice fly. Sacrifice fly. They're going to kick a fucking field goal here. Doesn't that defensive end realize I have money on him? And that guy down the middle fucking fell down. That's what happened. That's my, that's my standup comedian analysis. Mason. Free Mason Crosby. He's got this one all day. This is going to be right down the fucking middle. I'm not

trying to jinx you at all. Well, it's off to the left, but it's still good. I'm still up by seven. I'm sure the bears have a good quarterback. Oh, Jesus. Anyway, the Jets J E T S Jets Jets Jets Joe Flacco coming from behind. Who the fuck they beat the fucking Ravens? Is that who they beat? There's no fucking way they beat the Ravens that I bet that I didn't bet that game. I might have bet that game. I'm so fucking busy. I don't even remember what I bet. I just know I was watching all day looking at ticker going, I didn't think that was going to happen. I didn't think that I definitely didn't think that was going to happen. All right, NFL scores here and FL and FL. Here we go. NFL scores. Rams held on.

I don't know if they covered a crazy block punt for a fucking touchdown. That's the shit as a gambler. You're like, what the fuck? And then the other person gets the brag that they picked the other team. It's just like your team didn't cover my team fucked up. That's like the chiefs, the chiefs covered. They fucking covered man. And then they just think they're fucking up by 10 points. I got them laying four and a half and then they go into a fucking prevent defense. Just give the fucking chargers a touchdown. Just give it to them. And then they get one first down. They take a fucking knee. Did they call me? Did they ask me what I have on the game? Fuck no. Paul Versey's Giants win again. Paul

Versey's Giants are two and oh, but I got to tell you, I have to tell you the shocker, the shocker has got to be the two and oh Miami Dolphins. What the fuck is that score? Where is that score? Where is that score? Well, that's last week. You know, you think if you just put it up, this is week three. All right, Bill's Titans Vikings Eagles tomorrow bears Packers Bengals Bengals. Jesus Christ. They're fucking snakebitten. How about the Cardinals coming back? I saw that one Broncos win didn't cover Rams win did not cover 49ers beat the shit out of the fucking Seahawks. Saints started off. All right, Tom Brady comes back. You know, it's scary. Tom Brady won by 10 points and only threw for 190 something yards. Tom

Brady has a running game. Ladies and gentlemen, all the dolphins beat the Ravens. I'm sorry. In an old school fucking shootout 42 to 38. The fucking Colts heads are spit in the Jaguars 24 nothing. Bill, we know the scores. Let's hear an opinion or shut up. Oh, the Jets beat the Browns came back and beat the Browns. Um, so so far, everyone in the AFC East has won. Now here's my thing. Here's what I'm wondering, right? Next week, the fucking bills play the dolphins. Can you imagine after all the hype, the fucking Buffalo bills have gotten? Okay, if they lose next week down in Miami to to a tongue of Viola, however the fuck you say, no, there's like 1500 different pronunciations in every analyst on state on TV calls them to a

that's like auntie to compo. They just call him the Greek freak. Yannis. Then you got to deal with Yannis out there. Then I can go on take to compo. Um, all right, come on bears, drive down the field. Can you save me the embarrassment of going 0 and 4, 0 and 4. Come on, establish the running game. What are we doing? Is this another unimaginative fucking Chicago Bears offense? Didn't they win last week? Did they win? I don't fucking know. Anyway, so is that my breakdown of the week breakdown of the week? Because I fucking, you know, I believed week one. Stupid. I believed week one and I fucking paid for it. And I went against everything that I like, I should have taken the charges because I always say division rivalry games are close. You know, if you get

more than like three points and they're both good teams, you know, I usually go with the fucking underdog. But I believe what the chiefs did during week one, beating the shit out of the Arizona Cardinals, I believed in that fucking prevent defense. Cocksuckers. Anyway, before I keep whining about movies and football games, big thank you to everyone that came out in Washington, DC, and everybody who came out in Philadelphia might have been my two favorite shows of the year. And I don't even know why because I've had so many fun shows. We're talking about Fenway was amazing. Jesus Christ, what am I talking about? But I mean, just as far as the inside gigs, how about that one? Right before I went up in DC, I fell asleep for like eight minutes, took like a

power nap, and it just cleared my head. And I went up there and I was in DC is always fun because it's such an interesting like, it's like LA where it's just like, you just don't meet anybody who's from there. And then it's the same kind of thing where people are nervous to talk shit, because you never know who's sitting at the table next to you. So like, even the Democrats, right, the fucking the Larry liberals, even they have this conservative vibe. It's very Hollywood, very Hollywood. They've always said that, right? Washington DC is Hollywood for ugly people, which I don't think so. You know, I think Joe Biden and Donald Trump back in the day, but good looking guys, weren't they? Obama, Obama had a jump shot to had a little athletic little fucking

wrinkle in there to fucking bring on the ladies. You know, George Bush was, you know, best looking guy, we were talking about me and Versey best looking guy ever to be president had to have been John F. Kennedy. You know, granted, he was young as shit. You know what I mean? Maybe that's why they took him out. They were just fucking jealous. You know, same way they were jealous of Tom Brady. Yes, I did just connect those two things. I did. I did and I stand by it. Because that's what you do nowadays. You say something ignorant and then you stand by it. And then you then you say it louder and you act like you're fearless. That's what I do. Anyway, so there was so much shit. I said there was something I said when I was on stage in Philly. Oh, that's going in the act. And now I

can't remember what the fuck it was. But I forgot my fucking sneakers, man. I was going to wear those Dr. J. Converse as a little subtle nod to one of the greatest teams I ever saw the 1983 Philadelphia 76ers. And I forgot to wear them. And on top of all of that, I wore Jordan once. And if you ask any mouth breathing NBA fan, who's the greatest team of all time, they'll say, Oh, 96 bulls. I know that because I watched enough talking heads tell me that they that they're just a foregone conclusion. I mean, think about the Showtime Lakers. Think of the fucking people that were on that team. Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Fucking what's his face coming down the lane with his Kareem glasses for some reason.

He'd think of Jamal Wilks. This wasn't him. James Worthy. Jamal Wilks. Michael Cooper. Norm Nixon. I think Jamal left and Norm came in. If I remember correctly. Orlando Woolrich. Kidding. Orlando Woolrich. I believe he was on. No, that wasn't him. That was Kermit. I thought Orlando Woolrich was the guy who punched Rudy John Tomovich. It was Kermit, something or other. Just fucking. There was a fight. He just reacted. Punch Rudy in the face. And Rudy had to go to the hospital and he had this weird taste in his mouth and he was tasting spinal fluid. And that's what happens when a guy six foot 10 or seven feet tall throws a fucking punch like a

boxer. I mean, he fucking. Yeah, read up on that one. All you youngsters. What was that? Kermit Washington? Was it Kermit Washington? And then it became, of course, some racial thing because the guy who got punched was white. The guy who threw the punch was black. And then all these people out there, I don't know what their deal is. The 1800s version of my people that still exists for whatever fucking reason. Because of propaganda and shit like that. I have no idea. Dude, when are they going to change CNN to the Donald Trump channel? When are they just going to call it? I've never seen a channel that pretends they don't want something they want so bad. Do you know how bad they want that fucking guy

back so they can have a nice easy day at work for four years? I can't believe what he's doing. You don't care. Buy another firehouse. Anyway, I am. What am I doing here? I'm losing my ass is what I'm losing here, but the bears are driving. This is what I need. Score a fucking touchdown, score a fucking touchdown here, and then I'll be up by 14 fucking points. And that's the kind of shit I need. Oh man, did they miss that call? Or did they call that? Sort of tackle the guy here. What do we got here? What are we looking at? Old man eyes, old Billy Amber vision. That looks like a busted play. Running in, baby. Yes. This is how you gamble.

It's not how you gamble. Look at me getting all excited in the first. I'm acting like that guy that just sacked fucking Aaron Rogers like the game's over. This was huge for me. You got to love a running back number 32. If you were number 32 and you were running back when I was a kid and your name was OJ, you were the shit. And I'm not just talking about Simpson. I'm also talking about Anderson. OJ Simpson, OJ Anderson and OJ Rabinowitz. No, there was no OJ Rabinowitz. Who else was 32? Tony Dorsett was 33. Wilbert Montgomery was 31. Why do I remember this shit? Mosey Tatupa was 30. Mark Van Egan was 30. I can't remember fucking anything from yesterday or earlier today. And I can remember all of this shit. Russ Francis was 81. He was a tight end.

I'll actually stop playing football. I read up because he wanted to concentrate on aviation and then actually came back with the 49ers because he wanted to make some more money so the guy could buy himself a plane. I mean, that is a man with the plan. By the way, did I mention that he looked like Bert Reynolds? Like a giant Bert Reynolds? Then he lived in fucking Hawaii. I mean, this guy had life figured out. Then he goes to 49ers and plays with arguably the greatest quarterback of all time, Joe Montana. He's still in the argument and he goes and he wins a Super Bowl. Wins a Super Bowl and then gets to go fly his planes. That right there is amazing. I had a little dad moment. As a father, don't you always go online and you look at shit

that you'd buy if you didn't have responsibility? I went on the Porsche website and when I was a kid, the Porsche Targa, I just loved that car. I loved the rims. I loved that little silver roll bar type of looking thing that it had and the fucking teatop, the glass teatops and shit. I loved it. They brought the Targa back. I'm not a big Porsche guy, but they brought it back. When they did, they brought it back in this ridiculous orange that was like the color of my refrigerator here in my little room here by the garage. The same fucking deal, like orange and browns and like fucking potted plant green, whatever the Ford truck was called, like earth tones were in and for some reason orange was in. I remember when that car came out

and I showed it to Rogan and he goes, that's a cool car. He goes, you're not going to get that color, are you? I was like, yeah, I love that car. He goes, why the fuck would you get that color? I'm like, you know, come on, man, you're my age. You don't remember the 70s? I had a 10-speed bike, the same color. So anyway, but that definitely made me think because Joe has amazing taste in cars, like the ones that he's gotten and redone and shit. It definitely made me think, but I was still like, but then I ran it by Dean Delray and I think he's part of the same 70s that I'm from. He's like, oh, dude, that's fucking red, right? So it was just something in the back of my head. Then I knew I was

never going to do and I went to the website and I was so heartbroken, they don't offer it in that color anymore. Not like I was going to buy it. I got two kids. I'm going to buy a fucking two-seater, you know, sports car, come home, high honey, like that guy in the Rose Petal movie, beautiful fucking world, America, America, the beauty, whatever the fuck it was called. I actually liked that movie. It just came out 20-something years ago. I know I can remember Mark Van Egan was number 30 and Robert Newhouse was number 44 and Block for number 33 Tony Dorsett and John Fitzgerald was the center. I can remember that, but American beauty, right? There you go. Remember when the wife comes home? That was like every guy's fantasy. You know,

they always think it's, you know, some fucking supermodel in a bikini, like in fucking Chevy Chase, Christie Brinkley in like a Ferrari looking at you, one of the swim naked with you. The reality is for most married guys, I'd say most. I'm going to try to speak for most of them. What it is is you go out and buy something that you want and you don't even ask your wife, you just buy it. And when she asks you what it is, you tell her exactly what it is with, go fuck yourself toned. I can't remember the curry button. Like what is that? He's like, that is a 1969 whatever fucking Pontiac Firebird, whatever the hell he had. I mean, why I think that shit because my wife doesn't give a fuck if I go out and go buy something.

She's the reason why I have my old truck. I had the Catholic guilt. I couldn't buy it. She goes, why don't you just fucking buy one of these cars? I go, yeah, you're always looking at them. Just fucking buy it. I was like, all right. And then I bought it. And I was like, holy shit, I didn't know you could do that. I had problems people. I had a lot of fucking, like there was a lot of shit that I could have just done and I didn't realize I didn't know. You can just do that. I didn't know that seven to three, baby. It's really 17 to three. Come on. What do we got here? What down is it? Ah, fuck. Nice. In. Complete. I don't like rooting against Aaron Rodgers. This is my money talking. I love Aaron Rodgers.

You know, him at this point, he's like that one decent family member in a fucked up family. And like when everyone around town talks about the family, but they always go, but Aaron's nice. He is. Isn't he? God, how did he end up in that family? And also, as far as bucket list, list places to go see a game, man, that fucking place just lives up to the hype and the fans are incredible. That was one thing I'll tell you. Like as far as classy fans, Green Bay Packer fans, because there was Seattle fans, the anti-class fans. There's something about living near an ocean. You just become a fucking asshole. I don't know what it is, but like people in the middle of the country, at least pretend that they're nicer. You

know, like St. Louis Cardinals fans, they seem to be nice, you know? I don't know. And then you know what it is. Then you actually fucking sit down, you talk to somebody and you listen to how they see the world. You never know how it's going to go. You can meet like some complete fucking asshole and then they'll just say something really like fucking profound or empathetic. Or you can just be with somebody who's just like, wow, man, what a decent, oh my God, I remember that. That happened early on in my career. Oh shit. Wow. I haven't thought about this in years. I would tell you guys this story of fucking, I was doing some gig, one of my first road gigs, and I was opening for this guy and he wanted to

go water skiing. Are you fucking kidding me? Did he just, did he just fucking reach out and get a first step? Nice. Nice. Like that spot. There you go, 37. Good call. It was one of the most amazing things I saw as far as like this dude wanted to go water skiing. It was right after Labor Day. He knew everybody had put their boats away. So he just went up there and started riffing about how much he loved to go water skiing. Knowing, he told me he goes, this going to be some woman in the crowd that's going to say to her husband or boyfriend, come on, he's in town. You should take him out. I go, there's no fucking way. Nobody's going to, oh, God damn it. First down. I'm like, there's no fucking way that that's going to eat. I didn't say that. That's what I was thinking. I was

so new and he did. He went up there and he did it. And then this fucking guy took us out on the lake and you could see it in his face. He was not happy as he was uncovering his boat and doing all of this shit. Maybe he hadn't put it away because it was still in the water. It was a lake. I don't know. Do you guys take the boats out? I don't know how it fucking works. You take it out, right? So maybe he just had a cover and didn't want to do it, but he was not into it. And it's the one and only time I went water skiing. He brought the headliner up and he got up and he was fucking buzzing all around the lake having a good time. So the guy was still kind of grumpy because it's like, you know, he's fucking burning up gas and shit. Fuck, tackle him.

Come on, bears. You're supposed to be known for having a defense. Sorry for screaming like that. I'm going to try to be more mature here. So then he goes to bring me up, you know, to go water skiing. I've never been water skiing in my life and he like dragged me across the lake for like, I swallowed half the lake. I was, eventually I was getting up, but he was laughing his ass off and it then became, it became worth it for him that he was dragging this comedian across the fucking lake. So then we go back to the house and they're just the nicest people ever and they bring out finger sandwiches and all of this shit and everything's going great. And then all of a sudden

the guy driving the boat wants to start telling us jokes and like right out of, he just, just racist and word jokes. And we're sitting there like, Hey, yeah, I don't know about that. And then the wife's going like, Oh, come on. Just, you know, saying to the husband and settle down. So who knows, right? Just cause somebody asked DC, you have no fucking idea. Kind of like I have no idea what I'm talking about because I got half my fucking brain on this goddamn game here. Come on, man in motion, man in motion. So CFL, the guy, everybody would be running around. All right. Second and 11. Here you go. Just fuck it up and get a field ball for the love of God. All right. Let me read some advertising here for the week. Oh,

by the way, I forgot to mention Josh Adam. Maya's opened up for me this week. As far as I know, he's never done an arena. Dude, this guy went out there like he was fucking headlining the show. Charisma for days, being silly, goofy, fucking around, just having a great time. I was blown away. I said at the end of the week, I was like, dude, I mean, I wouldn't have hired you if I didn't think you were going to get the job done. But Jesus Christ, you fucking killing up there. And he's like, Oh, yeah, no, thanks. I appreciate it. All right. Let's see here. Let's, let's, where's the advertising? Where is the advertising? True classics? Oh, I thought this was an email. That doesn't sound like advertising. That's all right.

True classic, everybody. Today's episode is brought to you, brought to you by true classic. Guys, let's talk about t-shirts, man. Finding that perfect fitting shirt can be terrible, terrible. I swear to God, man, the thing with the, you know, fucking t-shirts either too tight, it's too itchy. There's the tag on the back. It doesn't fit right. It's just boxy. You know, you can never get the, you know, whoever folds them just creases them with a fucking nuclear iron or something. Anyway, luckily there's true classic. True classic wants to make every man look good and feel good, tighter fit in the chest and sleeves to make your arms pop and room in the torso to keep things cozy. Oh, so this isn't, it's not going to be

unflattering. We have an exclusive deal for our listeners. We want to hook you up with some true classic. For limited time only, get 25% off with the Code Burr. B-U-R-R at trueclassic.com. Almost all men's t-shirts are designed to look good on a certain body type. Think skinny models with six packs, but most of us aren't packing anything but a few beers. And there's nothing wrong with that. My dudes, it's simple. They gave me the hip copy. My dudes, it's simple, man. Check it. You are wearing the wrong clothes. Dig. True classic tees taper off towards the bottom, but they fit tighter around the chest and shoulders. Well, it's about fucking time. It's about time they made men's clothing that tricked the ladies out there and then they could

be disappointed when we disrobe. You can throw on that true, this is our push-up bra. You can throw on that true classic with confidence knowing we've got your bases covered. True classic will make you feel your best by accentuating the places the eyes goes to first. Wink, wink. Whether you have abs or flabs, their clothes look great on all body types. Skinny dudes, big dudes, buff dudes, and my dudes, dude. True classic has you covered. Get comfortable, get going, and upgrade your wardrobe with true classic. Get 25% off at trueclassic.com with Code Burr, B-U-R-R, free shipping included on purchases over $100. 100% risk-free guaranteed with the 30-day return policy. True classic. When you look good, god damn it, you feel good.

Fuck me, touchdown, god damn it. All right. All right, I'm still up. I'm still up. I don't like this at all. I don't like this at all. Where are we? We're in the second quarter. All right, we've got to go down and get some points. Oh, you think so, Bill? All right, solo stove. You know, life's best moments happen around a roaring fire. Yeah, tell it to people on the Hindenburg. In a smokeless fire pit from solo stove, make sure outdoor moments even more memorable because instead of having to constantly dodge campfire fumes, you can sit back, relax, and actually enjoy the fire. Yeah, they take the smoke

out of it. Upgrade with your backyard. Upgrade your backyard with a solo stove fire pit and create story worthy moments without the fireside fumes. Stainless steel construction designed to regulate airflow and burn more efficiently. Solo stove fire pits are brilliantly engineered to be easy to use and they're built to last. Easy to light with a few bits of static. Your fire is blazing in minutes. They're so confident. You'll love it. They'll offer a lifetime warranty and a 30-day free return policy. Right now, you can get big discounts on all fire pits during solo stoves, Labor Day sale, and use promo code BRR at solo stove.com for an extra $10 off. That's solo stove.com promo code BRR for $10 off on top of their incredible Labor Day discounts. But hurry,

the Labor Day sale ends September 11th. All right, what do we got here? Oh, and lastly, but not leastly people, it's simply safe. Here's a question. Is there anything more precious than the safety of you and your loved ones? Of course not. So isn't it strange that not all home security companies truly put you first? Old school home security companies set you up without data technology. They overcharge you. Jesus Christ, what kind of return was that? Guy's slowing down. He's playing with fucking one, two, three red light. Now, spin around. I didn't say Simon says overcharge you for service and lock you into binding multi-year contracts. That's why I use and trust simply safe home security. Simply safe

protects you with cutting edge security technology powered by 24 seven professional monitoring. Agents who always have your back with 24 seven professional monitoring simply safe agents call you the moment a threat is detected and dispatched police or first responders in an emergency. If you are not home or can't be reached, simply safe. Blank at your home in protection. Where are all two? Don't fucking act like there's a fumble are sorry. Simply safe. Blank at your home and protection with advanced sensors for every room, window and door, HD security cameras for inside and outside your home, smarter ways to detect motion that only alert you when the threat is real and even in even hazard sensors that instantly detect fires, floods and other threats

to your home. Our monitoring experts use proprietary advanced response technology to visually confirm when a break in is real. So you can get the highest priority police dispatch, customize the perfect system for your home and just a few minutes. Did he just get sacked on third down at simply safe.com slash burr. Go today and claim a free indoor security camera plus 20% off with interactive monitoring. Go to simply safe. S I M P L I S A F E dot com slash burr. There's no safe like simply safe. You don't want to just realize isn't the isn't this the team that the fucking Aaron Rodgers always beats and he talks shit about it third and 19. You got to call the old razzle dazzle play, the flea flicker, Statue of Liberty or dump it off behind a couple of linemen

slip and fall. Yeah, not run like you just run. What are you doing? Yeah, yeah, my job's to tackle him and I did. Is that guy running down the field when they lit up that fucking touchdown on the last drive? I don't think he was. Look at skinny Magoo here. This guy's whole fucking body is the same size of the same circumference as his leg. It's gonna be a good punt, good punt. Come on, all the way down the field, all the way down the field, all the way, all the way, not even nearly far enough. Fair catch. All right, I'll take that. Ah, fuck me. Okay, let's let's let's let's turn away from the TV for a moment, people. Let's turn away from the fucking the the solo stove that is my fucking gambling this week. Australia. When are you coming to Australia? You bald red cunt.

I don't know, man, I haven't been there in like seven years. I can't believe it. I haven't been there in for fucking ever. I miss it. I love it. I'd love to come back, but I have I have two kids, so I don't know what to tell you. I did do during COVID. I did do one of those things where, you know, I was online and I fucking it was broadcast over there. You could watch me in your apartment. That's the only thing I did, but I will tell you this. I miss going over the most beautiful beaches I've ever seen. And Little Creatures beer was one of my favorite beers I've ever had. Plus, I was drinking it right after I went to Bond Scott's

grave, paid my respect to the man. And I went there. It was Australia Day. I was in Perth. You know, I walked into the ocean a little bit just to say I've been in the Indian Ocean. How many oceans have you been in? How many oceans are there? Jesus Christ. There's the Atlantic, the Pacific, the Indian, the Arctic. Wait, I can name the continents. Well, what am I? A fucking sailor? I don't know what this shit is. All right. How many, how many oceans? This is one of these things I had to memorize and I have. How many oceans are there? I'm going to say five. Four.

Wait, did I name them all? Atlantic, Pacific, Indian, and Arctic? I fucking did it. I'm smart. I'm smart too. Not like everybody says, look at Fredo fucking nailing it. For some reason, I thought that was going to be so, I'm thinking seas, which is what I get in school if I did well. The Baltic sea, sea, sea. Remember that summer school, that great fucking movie? Underrated comedy from back in the day, stoner fucking comedy. All right. Now I lost where the hell I was. Where was I? Where was you guys? I was looking for you. I would love to come back. There's a whole

bunch of places. I want to go back there. I want to do that run again. All through Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Hong Kong, and Mumbai, India. That was one of the most incredible experiences that Singapore, Hong Kong, Mumbai, India was one of the most incredible experiences I ever had in my life. It was like I went to a different planet. Just to be over there, whole different fucking world running the exact same way is over here. They had their own airlines. They had their own famous people, their own music, their own superstars. And I had no idea who the fuck anybody was. And I'm watching these, these, these pop singers getting mobbed and stuff, you know, swatching it on TV. I still don't know that if anybody's listening over in China, I, when I landed in Hong Kong,

one of the sickest logos I ever saw, there was a plane and on the tail, it had a dragon. Like that was their logo. That's like, that's, that's the shit. What do we got over here? We got an orca. Every once in a while, they'll, they'll, they'll paint a plane like, you know, but it doesn't seem like a wild one. It seems like one of the ones that has to do three shows down at SeaWorld. You know, they always talk about how fucking smart those things are, you know, those are dumb ones that get caught. Am I going Donald Trump here? You're a POW. I don't respect you. Drinkable water. Hey, Billy, genius tits. Listening to you talk about finding a water truck to send to Jackson was inspiring and stupid at the same time. You're reading off the prices of water if you

wanted to water a large lawn or fill a pond. If water prices were that cheap, I'd park a truck outside my house. Please don't kill the citizens of Mississippi with your goodwill. Or you could just say, Hey, Bill, I'm in that industry. So I understand it more. You know, it wasn't really inspiring because it just seemed like it was stupid because that's all you, that was inspiring and stupid. Now here's the next five sentences are all stupid. You were reading off prices of waters if you wanted to water a large lawn or fill a pond. Moron. If water prices were that cheap, I'd park a truck outside my house. Moron. Please don't kill the citizens of Mississippi with your goodwill. Moron with a little sugar on it. Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, if that isn't the fucking

internet right there, I'm trying to find a fucking truck to fill it up with drinkable water. That was what I was trying to do. You asshole. Jesus Christ. Is it what you don't kind of, you know, this is, I think this is why rich people, they don't date or they don't fucking give a fuck about any of us, right? They don't give a fuck. Look at this. This little fucking move that I was going to do on my little mezzanine level of this fucking Ponzi scheme and I'm getting all this shit. It's like, you know what? I'll fucking, I'll send you some more brown water right to your house, you cunt. Go fuck yourself. How about a Hollywood liberal out here, former Prius driver trying to help you out? How about that? Wet your whistle in between whatever fucking racist thing you're

saying. All right. I know you're just being a cunt. I'm being a cunt back too. Well, we figured out a fucking way to bring you something nice. All right. So there you go. Go fuck yourself. Enjoy yourself. All right. All the way from Africa. Hey, Bill. I don't know how to say this. I'm sure that means shithead. Let me see this. I'm going to look this up. McAdini. Everybody who understands that word is laughing right now. Am I going to spell this right? McAdini. McAdini in English. How can you? Well, that doesn't sound right. That doesn't sound like my listeners. Hey, Bill, how can you verbur? I don't know. I don't get it. All right. I'm sure you're insulting me and I

appreciate it. And I've also appreciate you listening. I have been listening to podcasts since the pandemic to the extent that I signed up to Spotify so that I can listen to your past work dating back to 2011. What do you mean fucking kill you guys? You got brown shit coming out of your goddamn fucking... I fucking hate people. Or do I just hate how stupid I am? All right. You're right. I was dumb. You're right. You're right. Stupid. I thought I could just fill it up and fucking hose you guys down. You know what would be hilarious is if a rich black guy got one, got one of those water trucks and went down there and just hosed down a bunch of fucking rednecks, sort of doing like the reverse of what happened to his people.

Just trying to help out. All right. And I wrote in to say you really have... Wait, wait, wait, wait, I have been listening to the podcast since the pandemic to the extent that I signed up to Spotify so that I can listen to your past work dating back to 2011. I didn't know I was on Spotify. What do I get there? Spotify cunts. How much money do I get? What do I get? Huh? For every nine million downloads you give me half a cent? Fucking thieving cunts. And wrote... I wrote in just to say you really have changed for the best. Yes, I am judging you. Well done. This is probably your white dude from South Africa. 2011 bill and 2022 bill, our day and night with the hint of eclipse for the time you freak out at the kids at the play

center. Yeah, that's true. You always give me a male perspective that my African father can... I was wrong. Look at that. Can never give me. Oh, you guys still going macho over there? Uh, by the way, you are of the same age as him and I am 32. I can hear you gasp. No, I don't, because I would have been a fucking asshole. I would have been a shit father and then my kid would have to listen to a podcast on the other side of the world to listen to somebody a little more fucking opened. Anyway, keep doing the podcast. It's a breath of fresh air and this African heat regards all the way from air quote, democratic Zimbabwe. Yes, Bill Africa, go fuck yourself. That is amazing. That is amazing. Well, thank you so much for listening.

Oh, it says Michelle. Yes, I am a lady. You cunt. I thought that was a white dude. It was an African Zimbabwean woman. All right, college degree and a rickshaw. That should be a thing. Guess the sex and race of a fucking bear still have the ball. There's just a lot of hair issues on the fucking Packers. Dude, Aaron, let's picture Aaron Rodgers to look on his fucking face. He's just like, don't do this again. He looked like he was standing outside a bank that just failed. And all he had was the book. Oh, look, no, we're not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, past the line of scrimmage. Run, you fucker. This is why I watch the games out in my garage.

Um, college degree and a rickshaw. Okay, dear Bill, I wanted to enter. I want to enter a trade. I always wanted to enter a trade when I was a kid. I was really smart at math. I can still do complex stuff in my head. That's really cool. Just a little party. I have up my sleeve. Um, I know someone like that, that is just amazing and loves math and loves like figuring stuff out like engineering level stuff. He was past the line of scrimmage. Loss of down. Ugh, let's just say loss of Beth. Loss of bet and put a picture of me up there. Just a little party. I have up my sleeve. Anyway, I always wanted to build stuff and not work in an office. I was convinced to go to college through though by my parents who are devoid of any common

sense or connection to reality. Jesus, that mathematical brain of yours can be a little harsh, huh? Um, oh, I see you wanted to go to trade school. Oh, they just do what they think you're supposed to do in life. That's another story. So here I am five years after graduating with a double major and there are no jobs in the city I live in. I've explored other cities and I'm thinking about moving by the spring. Here's the kicker. The best job I found that pays the most and gives me flexible hours is a rickshaw driver. One of the novelty ways of getting around a metro. Where, where do you live? Is that the thing with the bike? Are you, are you writing in from China? I don't know. Anyway, um, should I take this job? I have to look up rickshaw drivers. That

would they call the bicycle things now? I always thought being a rickshaw driver would be a great way to meet chicks if you were younger rickshaw driver images. Okay, I see the motorized ones in India, which I wrote in one of those fucking iconic moment in my life cruising down the fucking streets out there in Mumbai. That was so cool. All right, I don't know where you're from. All right, but I ended but you know what? Doesn't matter where you're from. We all have the same problems. Should I take this job? I don't know anyone who's ever driven. I mean pulled one. Oh, so you're like literally. All right, I asked around but no one knows anyone who's done it. I asked the guy who would hire me but he barely speaks my language. My concern was getting

injured or run over. Would you pull? So you like an expat or something? Would you pull a rickshaw if it meant $3 more an hour? Or would you take the safe bet and work at Walgreens? I mean, you're asking a 54 year old man if I would run down the street with a couple of fat tourists behind me. I mean, um, you know what, buddy? I'm going to punt this one. I would do, I would do what you want to do. I mean, you can always get a job at Walgreens, right? You know, the amount of people that, you know, the amount of drugs that they're pushing and people that overdose from shopping there, I'm sure that opens up some lanes to get rehired. You know, that could be like a fun job you do for the summer. Over where I lived, it was like kids

who got jobs, you know, peddling the swan boats out in Boston Common or driving the duck boats and shit like that. That's probably not the good thing because that's actually you're driving something down the street. Yeah, you know, it's $3 more an hour and you're in good shape and you think it's going to be fun. You know, I would do that job and continue to job hunt is what I would do. How about that? But, you know, just don't fuck up your back and all of that stuff. I would get a good masseuse. There goes your extra $3 an hour. All right, teachers, fly down. Oh, brother. Dear Bill, there's a teacher that everyone dislikes. He's notorious for being an asshole at every turn. If you're pleasant to him, he comes back even more dickish. Yeah, well, he probably had a bad

childhood, you know, couldn't trust people. So if you're being nice to him, he doesn't know how to accept it or thinks that you have some sort of angle. Anyway, he said, I was lucky enough to end up in his class this year. He or she says this first week of school. And he's got his fly down while lecturing a couple people snickered here and there. But mostly my class is full of nerds because it's an advanced class. No one had the balls to tell him. I decided I was going to be the guy who told him what's he going to do fire me from the classroom. Plus I had my rebuttal planned out if he gave me shit for telling him. So after class, I told him very nicely and discreetly. Oh, I think you're going to do it in front of the class. Hey, just to heads up your fly is down.

He looked at me like he was going to kill me. I looked back at him confused and amazingly calm. I said, should I have not told you? He said, you should leave the class now before I take action against you for being wise. This is, oh, he goes, this is where I shine, Bill. Oh, you got to come back. We got to come back coming. Can you fucking tackle somebody? Listen to me, my fucking voice is crackling. Fucking crackle tackle somebody. This is where I shine, Bill. I said, so you're going to reprimand me for letting you know that you're exposing yourself to a classroom full of teenagers. Holy shit. Wow. And the dagger from way behind the arc. They're heading to the exits. Everybody. Wow. Good for you. Holy shit. I couldn't come up with something like

that. That's fucking great. He looked at me with his eyes wide, but said nothing. So I kept going and said, well, I just wanted to let you know. So we didn't have a news story on our hands. You're welcome. And I left. It's the weekend. So I won't see him till that class on Tuesday. Again, did I nail it, Bill? Did you nail it? You fucking ended it. Dude, you drove that fucking nail into the wall like a half an inch. You put spackle over it. You covered it up and then you painted it. See, it's fucking over like my goddamn gambling this week. No, that was fucking masterful. And this is what you do on Monday. You walk in, if he tries to fucking stare you down,

you look right at him, look down at his fucking crotch and then be like, nice work. If his flies up, fuck that miserable cunt. I don't mind somebody being a hard ass if they're trying to teach your lesson, but if it's just you're fucking miserable because you're old and you don't like what you're waking up next to or you don't like how your life turned out, at that point, if you are that old person right now, if you fucking hate your life, don't take it out on young people. Your job now is to try to help them not make the mistakes you made. That's how you make the world a better place so there's not another miserable old man out there because that's what it is. Nice, nice,

sack, hold, personal file, something. Don't fuck me. Don't fuck me. Come on. What do we got here? No face mask. Personal file, tackling the quarterback. Don't fuck me. What do we got here? What do we got here? It was a sack. Sorry, people. The fuck just happened. He didn't, when he picked up the flag, he didn't say anything. Anyway. Oh, Jesus Christ, he fucking dry hopped him. Look at that, like a goddamn dog on a leg. He did what he had to do because he knew that big guy was going to fucking destroy. Oh no. Oh no. Well, anyway, you know, it's underrated losing a bet in the second quarter. It's not so bad. It's when they fucking make you hang around and

hang around and hang around and then go into the pre-van or they fumble. I mean, somebody on that fucking play with the Cardinals. Somebody's money went one way or the other on that fumble. Just unreal. How about Arizona? How about Kyler Murray with that fucking pass, man? Jesus Christ. That did not look good, that whole game. I was following the score. I was just like, Jesus, who did they get rid of? First fucking down. Damn it. These kids today with the flexing and screaming and, I mean, they've been doing it for 20 years. I mean, I don't think I ever saw Jerry Rice do that. You just caught the ball and that was it. The self congratulatory. You know, my new thing is like, I don't know if I've talked about this

yet. I feel like the reaction videos, people that film reaction videos, that's the new narcissism. You know what I mean? And there's also this really slimy way of you putting yourself on the same level of something that you have no remote ability to do. You know what I mean? Does that make any sense? Like an amazing musician or athlete, song, movie or anything like that. And for whatever fucking reason, I need to see your reaction. Oh my God. What is the reaction of this fucking person that they can't do this shit? I don't, you know, look, I guess if they're just enjoying it, you know what I mean? That's not what I mean. I mean, like those people,

ah, fucking, I'm just going to say, Rob, you fucking cunt touchdown. Didn't even fall down. There you go. Pose a picture. There you go. Pose for a picture. Now do your little thing. I like when that guy in the Arizona Cardinals scored the touchdown and then he took his helmet off. And then for whatever reason, the guy who didn't do anything took his helmet off too and then ran next to him. He's like, Oh yeah, that's right. You're going to be on TV. I want to be on TV. Oh, Bill, now who's the angry old man? Cause he never made it in the NFL. All right. Somebody sent me an article today talking about how they were talking about like sexism in sports or something like that. And they were suggesting that, you know,

they've been segregated because of sex, you know, which I thought was because of safety. You know what I mean? So now that there's, there's, there's talks of, of doing sports in a different way that it's men and women like competing with each other, which is, you know, that would just be a different kind of sports. And I was just like, listen, I am just, if young people want to do it that way, I'm too old to get up out of my chair and bitch about it. And that, that's how I want to be more as I get older. When I see shit that doesn't make any sense. I'll still joke about it on stage, but I'll just be like, all right, was that how you doing that life? You know,

does it make you happy? Okay. I mean, I don't get it. Well, Bill, it's not for you. It ain't for you. Avatar's back. Jesus Christ. I mean, how are you, how are you supposed to root for these fucking giant blue people? I just, I don't understand. Like, I remember I went and I saw that I bought into the hype and I bought the fucking 3D glasses and I'm sitting there and I don't know how I must have been an hour and 10 minutes to that to movie before I realized that I didn't give a fuck about anybody in it. Like anybody could have got killed in that movie at any moment. I would have been like, all right. Okay, good. One down.

Does anybody else see these Liberty Mutual commercials and think that's Sam Rockwell every single time? I always think that's Sam every time I see it. All right. Okay. That's it, people. That is the podcast, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you, everybody. Is that a Chevy Citation in the background? A brown Chevy Citation. My buddy, I got to stop doing it. I'm not going to do these podcasts with the TV on anymore. My buddy having those brown Chevy, a shit brown Chevy Citation and the dirty secret about that car was when they designed it, they forgot to put the radio in. So at the last second they put the radio in and rather than having it horizontal,

they put it vertical and they didn't even change the numbers. They just slammed the radio in there. It's like one of the ugliest cars I've ever seen. It was this really weird thing where they were trying to have like big cars and compact cars like look the same. Like there's a Cadillac Seville from like 1980 or something like that where the front end looks like the car is 15 feet long. And then the back end turns into like some sort of weird hatchback. The Chevy Citation was like the ugly third cousin of that sort of style. Anyway, hey, right in, I want to hear married guys. What's the thing, you know, you're always looking at shit that you want to buy, but you know you're not because you got kids, right? What's the thing you look at? I always look at

the fucking Porsche Target and I look at a Harley Davidson Road King. Those are the two things I find myself looking at the most. I want to hear, I want to hear what your, what's your American beauty thing that you're going to put in the house or in the driveway? There's another thing too, we just have too much furniture. I want to get that fucking stand up hockey game, you know, the one that you played in the bar that had like the announcement, the puck shoots up in the air. I'm getting one of those. I don't care what piece of furniture we have to get rid of, but I'm going to get one of those. I'm going to have some epic fucking games against my kids. And I just don't know where I'm going to put it. I'll just have to, I'll get rid of some shit.

That's what I'll do. I'll get rid of shit. Yeah, I'll get rid of some shit. All right, I'm just literally talking to myself here. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on, uh, on Thursday. The Patriots get their first victory of the year. One in one, baby. One in one. All right, I'll see you.