Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-2-12

Episode Date: September 4, 2012

Bill rambles about speaking Spanish, White Music from Detroit, Meat Dresses, and The Sweaty Guy At Church..

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Hola, mi amigos. Donde es un perro de la mesa? Sorry, I'm back into the fucking Rosetta Stone Spanish. What's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast for September 2. Doce uno, cero. I've been listening to... Oh, by the way, before I get going.

Today's show is brought to you by Audible.com. Is that what I'm supposed to say? No, today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit audible.com slash bill for your free audio book download. All right? Would you like to go to a party with an Ascot on and sound like you're well-read, even if you don't read? Does reading make you sleepy?

But for some reason, somebody else's voice is in your head reading a book, makes you feel like you're being held. Well, I have the solution for you. Go to audible.com slash bill and get your free audio download book. Ahora! When you listen to Spanish radio, right? Whatever you call it, Latino, Puerto Rican, whatever you're supposed to... Mira, mira, whatever the fuck you're supposed to say.

You know, you're just trying to pick up words, right? So all I do now is I just listen to the, you know, AM radio, of course. You know, white people are on FM. Latinos and like fucking psychopolitical people in sports are all on AM radio. Religious people, you know what I mean? Like, if you're just on FM radio and you're going up and down the dial and whatever, like you're living in a completely different universe. If you switch over to AM radio, you know,

it's, you know, you can literally listen to like some game in Alaska. In Alaska, you can, next channel, there's somebody talking about Jesus. And then Jesus said to the Episcopalians in John 3.65, you know, that gay people are all going to hell, whatever the fuck they're talking about, right? And then you get over to the Spanish station and you try to fucking listen. You're supposed to immerse yourself in the language. And it's starting to happen. I can actually hear different words.

I don't know what the fuck they mean, but it's slowly but surely happening. And I don't know what the fuck they're talking about unless it's like a word, like that's just totally like the English word with like an O at the end. Muy importante. And you're like, very important. But always in the end, always in the end when they give out the phone number, I know what they're saying. Uno, ocho, cero, cero, cuatro, cinco, cuatro, doce, tres, uno.

Anyways, and they say, they say, pero, pero, ahora, that's now. Ahora, let's get down to brass tacks. This is the Monday morning podcast, Me Amigos and Me Amigas. I got a lot of shit going on, you know, you know, it's weird. The last few weeks when I do the podcast, I do it downstairs. My fucking dog looks like it got shot with a tranquilizer gun. Just fucking lays here mocking, you know, I literally, I feel like I'm bombing because in reality, the dog is my only audience.

And you know, I'm going to take a fucking picture of her right now. You know what, and we're going to upload it. I've never shown you guys a picture. It's great about this. You guys have never seen what my dog looks like, and now I'm going to send you a picture and all the dog people like, oh my God, yeah, he's finally going to do it. Where's the thing? You're not going to see her face.

It's going to be like People Magazine when they used to try to get a picture of, they used to try to get a picture like Paul Stanley from Kiss, you know, that yet another horrific group from Detroit. What is wrong with white music from Detroit? They got the black shit down so well. Motown, all those guys right through Marvin Gaye, who I guess was a Motown artist. But Jesus Christ, they're white music other than Eminem. That is a fucking mess out there, huh?

The Bay City Rollers, remember them? This is a thing about Saturday nights, little coax spoons hanging around, twisted up in their chest hair. Wasn't that that gig? Who else? Ted Nugent, catch, scratch, fever, wood up and boo. All right, throw him on that fucking trash heap. Kiss, who else is from there?

Kid Rock, you know, you should melt all of those people down and then fucking reform them into maybe like a coffee house musician. You know, Bill, you got a lot of fucking nerve, man. How many fucking albums you sold? Oh, go fuck yourself. I got a goddamn hour to fill here, okay? Kid Rock always walk around with no shirt on and a Budweiser. We get it, you're down to earth.

Oh, was there paparazzi here as I stepped out of my limo with my bud tall? Did your publicist fucking open that for you? There you go, Bill. Trash somebody who was relevant in 99. All right, have you ever been relevant, Bill? See that? That's why I like to think that I'm even-handed. Because as I trash other people, I also trash myself, don't I?

Maybe not. Anyways, let's shut off the fucking goddamn camera. You know, I keep playing on my iPhone, I keep playing Ice Rage. You guys play that hockey game? I play at the hottest level. And I had this motherfucker be like, I just refused to play any other level at this point other than the hardest level. And I at this point, I am one in about 260. That's my record.

And the only time I won the first time was because I did this bitch move where I got two goals right in the beginning and then one another face off and then just fucking skated with the puck for like a minute, killing the clock, just skating around, getting chased by that little motherfucker. Right? So yesterday, I'm like, I'm going to beat this dude fair and square. And singing, sweet home Alabama in the morning. Who downloaded that? I mean, gee, how many fucking hit songs do you got to fucking slam together?

And then you get a hit song out of it. It doesn't fucking make any sense. You know, you got the whole the where wolves of London. You're coming out of the gate with that. Right? Hey, we just swiped a hit song. What do you think? I don't think that's enough.

Why don't we swipe another one and we'll put that in the chorus. And sweet home Alabama, Cheryl Crow's tits. Isn't that what happened? She put a tits in the camera and then they that, you know what it is? That's that I think is actually a product of everybody stealing music. And there's no more music stores. So this is, I mean, I'm wrong. Maybe I owe Kid Rock an apology.

Like this is what this is the level of fucking hoops this dude has to jump through in order to have a fucking hit record. How do you get your music out? That's the amazing thing about Lady Gaga, right? The new queen queen of the gay community. You know, they always love chicks like that who played like dress up and wear crazy hats, you know, pulled down over their beak noses. I don't know what it is, but gay people, they can't get enough of chicks like that, right? But I was sitting there looking at Lady Gaga going, what the fuck is she doing? And now I get it.

There's no, there's no radio. That's another Spanish word for you. It's not radio. You just roll the radio. I think now I'm speaking Spanish. Now I'm back to English. Look at me. I'm fucking crossing you over in a verbal way, breaking your fucking ankles.

I'm such a douche this week. All right. So don't even send me emails about what a douche I am because I'm completely aware of it. Okay. I don't know if that makes me more of a douche or more tolerable, but I'm just letting you know where it's at. Cleo! Didn't even move. Didn't even fucking move.

You know, I get her to move while I go, do you wanna? And there goes the tail. Cleo, do you wanna? Fucking dog's like, yeah, I wanna. I don't have a fucking driver's license. I can't open the front door. You know? Maybe my dog isn't happy.

Maybe it's fucking depressed. Hey, what's the point, man? All I'm gonna do is walk in another room with nothing to do. Just gonna lay here all day. The fuck was I talking about? I was in a nice role there. Oh, yeah. There's no fucking, there's no radio.

There's no fucking MTV. Doesn't play videos anymore. Nobody buys your music. How the fuck do you get your music out there? You gotta put on a meat dress. So then all that guy, that guy there with this little sippy cup on that paparazzi show, be like, they'll just say this tonight. She had a fucking meat dress.

That's not making the show. Anyways, people, you know what? I'm gonna start actually, am I gonna use audible.com slash bill? Can I use it? audible.com slash bill? Can I go use that? And then fucking, what books would I get?

You know, when I used to read, when I was 27, and I thought I was gonna be smart, I started reading books thinking it would make me more likely to get a blow job, but it never fucking happened. Because I looked like Ron Howard when I was 27. I'm 20 ways.

Now I'm 44. If I was gonna have books read to me, I would do the Irvine Welsh series. You know, because I'm a big fan of that fucking, what is it, cock-de-accent fucking Irish spring. Let me cut into some soap with a shank accent. And there was a bunch of words in there that I kind of figured out because he literally writes it how they say it.

And maybe if I, you know, I wonder if they actually have like somebody, you know, who's, if you're gonna do the Irvine Welsh series of books on audible.com slash bill, trying to fill my contractual obligations with these people. I'm trying to say it as many times as human, but I actually like these guys. You know, considering there's no more bookstores anymore,

these guys are actually picking up the slack, right? I like audible.com slash bill. You know what I don't like? I'm not doing the pro flowers thing anymore. Okay. I like those guys, but I like them on Valentine's Day and Mother's Day. Other than that, I can't sit here with any sort of good conscience and try and sell you guys flowers in the beginning of fucking September. What do you get somebody flowers for fucking Labor Day?

You know? Unless you accidentally ran over somebody's foot on September 1st. There's no fucking reason to get anybody some flowers. Well, what if they have a date? Oh, go fuck yourselves. You know, then I got to fill out all this bullshit to get fucking $17. It's not even worth it to me. All right. So pro flowers.

If you're listening, I will see you in February. Um, anyways, this is like reverse good business. So anyways, what the fuck am I talking about? Did anybody watch any college football? How great is it that football is back? Did anybody get suckered into that Michigan, Alabama game like I did? I had the fucking fellas over, you know, my woman, my piece of property is, um, she killed me if I ever said that,

is fucking, uh, she's out of town. So what am I going to do? There's only two options. Either I get some hookers and I cheat on her or I have the fellas come over and I fucking get hammered. I chose the latter. Look at me. I'm still fucking. She can't drink like I used to, man.

I picked up a cigar habit. You know, uh, anyways, so yeah, number eight Michigan first fucking number two, Alabama. And in my head, I'm going, why is Michigan number eight? How are they number eight? They sucked last year. What happened? Who did they get?

That's did a couple of fucking beasts from Penn State. You know, but you'll even then you're only allowed to sign one. What the fuck happened? How are these guys number eight? And about, I don't know, when Alabama was up like 21, nothing or something, like right in the beginning of the second quarter, that's when I figured it out. Oh, they weren't number eight. They just made them number eight.

So I would tune in and invite my fucking friends over like an asshole. We watched like seven minutes of that game. And then that was it. We were downstairs fucking hanging out at the grill. You know, I took out my climbing rope because everybody, oh, you climb a rope. I can fucking do that. And people are drunk trying to go up and down the rope. You know, back in the day, that would be funny to me.

And all of them, all I'm thinking in my head the whole time is somebody's going to fall and they're going to break their hip and then I'm going to get sued. All right. And that's what it means to become old. You know, when you're young, when your friends fall down, you can just laugh. When you're old, there's somebody has to pay for it. There's a liability. Ah, Jesus Christ.

Why didn't I bet that game? Maybe do I just know it because now the game's over. But if ever there was a fucking layup. Everybody, what about Denied Robinson? Yo, he's so fucking, he's fucking SEC fast. Now he's playing an SEC team. Okay. Which means you regular motherfucker.

He just became another fucking quarterback. And that was that he actually made a couple of nice throws. But, uh, I don't know. A bunch of fucking people all in that goddamn stadium. Honestly, who the fuck would buy flowers in September? You know what I mean? Why are we selling flowers? That's that corporate mentality.

Why don't you just make all your money on, on fucking Valentine's Day. And then you make the rest of your money, the back end, the back nine you make on Mother's Day. And you call it a year. Go sit on your fucking boat, you know? What if, what if we just created this need for flowers 12 months out of the year? What if you just left them in the ground and you let them continue to produce oxygen for us? Why don't you do that instead of ripping them out of the fucking ground every goddamn day now? Oh, Jesus, I am on a fucking tear here.

Um, you know what it is? No, Bill, what is it? I am, uh, I'm getting geared up. I'm doing six straight fucking weeks on the road. Six straight. My year is basically over. Summer's over. The summer's over.

I'm going on the road. I'm coming to you. With dick jokes and a closing shit joke. And that's it for you. By the time you realize you got fucked over, I'll have your money in my wallet. Badoo, badoo, badoo, baby. I'm fucking doing, I'm fucking doing the White Trash Tour. What do you mean by the White Trash?

The White Trash Tour. Listen to the cities that I am going to. This week I'm going to be in Orlando, Florida. Okay. And unless you have kids and you want to go visit a giant fucking mouse with a struggling actor inside of it, there's no fucking reason to go there. If you're some whore and you want to go blow Tiger Woods, I guess that's another reason to go there. I don't know.

Why else would you go to Orlando to buy some bait? You know, so I'm going there first. And then next week I'm going to be in Charlotte, Charlotte, North Carolina, eastbound down, loaded up and trucking. We didn't realize the Civil War had ended. I'm going there, going to the comedy zone. And then I go to New York City. Oh, I'm standing next to a bunch of shit. That must mean I'm successful too, right?

Let's get a slice. I'm going there. And then the week after that I go to Jacksonville, Florida. This is how bad Jacksonville is. People in Jacksonville go to Orlando to vacation. All right. Jacksonville, Jacksonville is another one of those cities that if it started to, if there was a flood, you know, you think you had it bad in New Orleans. If, if Jacksonville literally fell into the sea, I think it would take at least, I would say 36 hours before like that.

That news actually hit the national airwaves, you know, 36 hours after an entire metropolis fell into the ocean. Somebody would finally come on TV and be like, we have a developing story, something going on in Jacksonville, Florida. Is that in the southeastern, northeastern? Thank you. Thank you, Robert. The northeastern part of the state, like no one even fucking know. What goes on in Jacksonville? You had a USFL team back in the day, right?

The Florida Gators and the fucking Georgia Bulldogs play there once a year. Everybody comes to town. They drink their beer and they fuck your women, you know, and they drive out and then that's it. It becomes quiet again. A couple of tumbleweeds blow across. You know, you got the Jaguar. That's actually pretty amazing. You know, for a city to get a professional franchise when they have no other professional franchises, like as late in the game as Jacksonville got a fucking team.

You know what I mean? Like take, let's say Portland, Portland, Oregon, they got a basketball team. I could see them maybe getting a baseball team. You know, and they got a basketball team. They showing up for that. Let's fucking try this, right? Jacksonville had nothing, nada, zero, zilch. They had nothing.

The Florida Gators and Georgia Bulldogs play there because it's some neutral shit in the middle of fucking nowhere. It's like a musical. You know what I mean? Like when they have like the two gangs are going to fight before they do, they're going to walk in a circle, snap in their fingers, right? They're stupid fucking jeans rolled up for some unknown reason other than probably the sexuality of most of the guys in the play. Is this how tough guys do it? Um, anyways, so that's what I'm doing. And then after that, I go to Cincinnati, Ohio, and Cincinnati, Ohio.

That's one of those zombie cities. There's all these great hardworking people right up until 4.59 in the afternoon and right at five. It's like the Fred Flintstone. They all slide down the brontosaurus getting their goddamn cars and they vacate the city. And then all that is left is drug addicts, unbelievably poor people and the comedian working at the club walking. That's what's walking down the street at 5.01 as the sun starts to go down. You know what I mean? You start, you know, it's probably the same feeling like, you know, that zebra has.

And that that split second where and is peripheral whenever the whole herd scattered. And you don't know why. And you start to feel the breath of an alligator and you're like, ah, fuck. I guess it's me today, right? Jesus, Bill, is Cincinnati that bad? You know what, go visit it. Go visit it. I mean, did I even mention any dates?

Jesus, what the fuck? What kind of way is that to sell a goddamn tour? That was like reverse rock singer right there where fucking rock singers will go out there. Let me tell you something, Jacksonville. We've done a lot of cities on this tour, but I got to tell you, and I think the fellas behind me will agree. When it comes to crowds, right, just fucking jerking them off. The reason why I'm excited to go to these cities, I just want to see what the fuck people do in these cities. I've already been to Orlando.

I know what that that's just a bunch of fucking strip malls. Those Adobe structures. You know, the excitement out there. You want to go to Five Guys Burgers and fries? You want to go down there? They make the best goddamn burgers. You know, they probably all look down on Disney World. You know, a bunch of fucking posers.

That's how you're like, you're a rebel in Orlando as you trash Disney World. You know, I don't know. Why would you continue this way? You know what it is? It's not going to be the shows. It's not going to be the people that come up to me after the shows and say something mildly racist. You know, it's not going to be that it's it's going to be the getting on and getting off of fucking airplanes. Jesus, this is like the tampon fucking minstrel cramp fucking podcast right now.

And I feel lucky that I have this amount of work, you know, when all those glass workers got laid off recently out there in Dayton, Ohio. Then they just closed down the glass factory. Do you know they're not going to make glasses in this country anymore? Anywhere. They're all going to be made in the Philippines. I saw the whole thing on 60 Minutes. Did you guys watch the last episode of Breaking Bad? Did anybody see it?

There's a bunch of fucking psychos right now covering their ears. I can't recommend that show enough. It's not because old twinkle toes got in a couple of episodes here. It's just it's the most unbelievable fucking show I've ever seen. They just keep they just keep twisting it tighter and tighter and tighter. And every time you think you can breathe, you know, because some problem got fucking solved. Something else comes along and it's even fucking worse. Unreal.

I'm not going to say anything that I probably shouldn't even brought it up because there's probably half the fucking people listen to this aren't even listening right now for fear that, you know, I was going to give away something from the show. I'm not going to do that. All right. This is the Monday morning podcast everybody. If you're new to this show. Welcome. Welcome aboard. If you live in any of the cities I just trashed, I stand by that.

That wasn't a joke. No, I know what I know what I'm going to do in Charlotte. Charlotte. I'm going to go visit street side customs. I'm going to go check out the old cars there. That's what I'm going to do there. New York City. Come on.

It's New York. I'll be fine Orlando. I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do. I tried to find some college football. I something. I don't know what I'm going to do. I think I'm going to walk from the air conditioned comedy condo to the club and then go back, but I'm actually excited to be there because I've never done that one.

Well, let's, let's try to put a little positive shine on this fucking white trash tour here and Jacksonville. There's got to be some redneck shit going on. There's got to be some sort of rattlesnake roundup, you know, some sort of gun show. You know, two rednecks with their trucks chained together, trying to drive in different directions. Whoever ends up with the other guy's differential wins. You know, can I go to something like that? Is there fucking something for me to do there?

But actually, when I'm in Charlotte, I'm going to go to the Panthers game, Carolina Panthers game. And when I'm in Jacksonville, I'm going to go to a fucking Jaguars game. And when I go to Cincinnati, I'm going to a Bengals game. See that? That's how I do the fucking road. That's how, that's how I do it pointing at himself with a thumb. All right. Here we go.

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E voice is basically your mobile phone at work. Okay. You can get all kinds of different phone numbers. Oh, I always forget the word. Virtual, virtual phone numbers. Like wouldn't it be great if you could give some guys, some guy coming up to you and he wants to buy your widgets. Right. And you want to give him your phone number, but you don't want to give him your real phone number.

Right. But you don't want to have 20 cell phones. All right. With E voice, you can have a whole bunch of different phone numbers all ring on your cell phone, but nobody really knows your number. All they know is those other ones. All right. Did that make sense?

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So back to the podcast here. Hey, you know what? I want to buy a pegboard hanging that up on my garage. I basically start my own little gym here. It's all body weight. I got a climbing rope. I got a dip station, pull up thing. And then I get that pegboard, right?

And I go, I'll be able to go up and down it with my skinny little legs hanging off it because I'm not doing any squats. You know what I want to do is a buddy of mine was telling me on Joe Rogan's podcast, he's got this hook, those kettlebell workout. I heard his listeners are going nuts, getting all jacked doing that. I want to do it. So if anybody knows what podcast of Rogan's, I got to listen to where he basically breaks it down. And then I'll do my cheap ass version of it when I'm on the road by basically going out and buying two grapefruits and putting them in plastic bags. What? There's the same principles.

Advice. All right, Bill, boner problems. Oh, Jesus Christ. Here we go. Bill, I'm approaching my 27th birthday. And in the past couple of weeks, I've had some issues with getting erect. All right. Oh, Jesus.

Okay. Here we go. Instead of getting wood, having sex or looking at porn, I now have to fiddle with myself just to get hot. I don't know if this is due to mild. Dude, this is so fucking beyond. This is a Dr. Drew question. All right. So don't listen to me, but I got to make this funny, dude.

All right. So fast forward this because I don't want to add to your psychological problems. I don't know if this is due to mild depression caused by stress being overweight or I'm just getting old. And this is how I'm going to be. I am overweight, but since April, I've been steadily losing weight and exercising. Good for you. I do have mild depression. I know where you're coming from.

I got it too. And I've had bouts of erectile dysfunction in the past, but they usually don't last more than a few days. Um, yeah, I don't know what to tell you. I would say don't rub one out for a couple of days, you know, and then stand on your back porch with your junk hanging out. And I imagine the first time the wind blows, I think you'll be in the game. That's my advice. And it's off to Chicago and let's win. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you, dude.

Like I would, I would seek some sort of professional help, see if you got a circulation problem. Um, but I think the biggest thing you're doing, which is great is you're losing weight because, uh, you know, you eat too many fucking Cinnabuns. It, it clogs up the plumbing. And I know that because I don't have a medical degree. Um, ignoring girlfriends past bill. I am an Aussie with a beautiful girlfriend out speaking of Australians. I'm going to Sydney in, uh, in October. You see what I just did there?

This guy's, you know, actually he basically started a conversation with, with me and I just interrupted him. I'm being that douche at the party right now. But I actually, you guys have seen, did you see that video where the fucking little Aussie bullies punching the fat headed fucking kid? I like outweighs him by 80 pounds. And finally the kid getting bullied just can't take it anymore. And he just picks this kid up and I can't even like lifts him up basically a little above his head. And if you just dropped him there, that would have been amazing. But he like fucking, it was like he was ringing out a mat is how he threw this kid down to the fucking ground.

Like shaking out a beach towel, except it was this kid's rag doll body. Like his, the kid's whole body did the fucking worm. And except when he came back, he's from like six feet in the air and he slammed this kid on the ground. I couldn't believe this kid's legs still worked. It was fucking awesome. But now they got like, they have like, it's become this entire like mini series. They interviewed the kid who got bullied. And then they interviewed the kid who did the bullying and the funny, the bullies crying.

And he's trying to say that the fatty fucking was hitting him first, which is total bullshit. Because if you look at the fat kid, which I really shouldn't be saying, but you know, you know, I'm just trying to, you know, I only have so many minutes here in the podcast, the husky kid. The fucking kid punches him in the face and he just stands there with his hands down to his side. He can tell, you know, if he was walking around hitting people, his whole body language, but a different, I didn't believe the little mosquito looking kid. But and then so they interview both of them and then they have the two of them interviewing each other. And I got to tell you, I don't think I've ever laughed so fucking hard in my entire life, not because I think it's right. Or I think it's funny. I just fucking, there's just something about it. It just took me back to my childhood. Just how fucking mean kids are.

Maybe like, what was it like when you went to school? Like, what were some of the things the kids used to call you? I know this is a brutal fucking Aussie accent. But he'd be like, oh, you know, they call me, they call me fatty. And with every mean name, I'm laughing my ass off. It literally gets to the point where the kid said he was suicidal and I've been through all of that. I've been through all of it and I actually sat there laughing my ass off watching it and I'm asking you guys, why am I laughing? I don't find it funny. I feel bad for the kid. But with the meaner the detail is, the harder I fucking laugh.

I don't know if that's like some sort of like fallout from trauma, where after a while you just like, it just becomes funny. There's like nothing. What else are you going to do? Like every fucking movie I go to see, I know I've told these stories a zillion times, but this actually fits in it. Like, I remember when I saw Sling Blade and when that country singer Dwight Yocum, when he zoomed the guy in the wheelchair out of the house. Why don't you go home and practice, Randy? And he get the fuck out of my house and he fucking zoomed that guy in the wheelchair and the guy in the wheelchair. Like, it did like the whiplash thing and went through the front door. Like, the people who are watching the movie around were either quiet or gasping and I was roaring, laughing.

And not that I think that's like, do you know what I mean? Like it's so wrong, it's funny. I'm probably coming off like a maniac. I did that one time, we were flying over to fucking one of those magical kingdoms over there in Europe. Where they got a Starbucks next to a fucking castle, you know? And I was sitting in the aisle, Nia's in the middle seat and then there was some girl on the window. And yes, I was flying coach to go do the funny bone in fucking Afghanistan. And I was watching a movie on a laptop and I was laughing so hard at one point, I was fucking wheezing. And it was one of those deals where I'm laughing so hard, people around me are laughing just at how hard I'm laughing.

Like the girl on the window was laughing at how hard I was laughing. And I was laughing so hard that I woke Nia up and Nia woke up and immediately it was like laughing like, what the fuck are you laughing at? And then she leaned over, you know, because you can't see on the computer screen, she leaned over and saw that I was watching Precious. And, you know, she starts punching me in the arm which made it even funnier and then the girl by the window found it even funnier. I totally got lost in that fucking story. I don't know what point I'm trying to make. Like I'm trying to ask you, why do I find shit like that hilarious? You know, like whenever I watch The Biggest Loser and they'll be like, you know, so how do you feel about yourself? You're fucking zeppelin you, you know, and the guy will be like, oh, you know, I have my good days and I have my bad days and then his voice cracks and his fucking forehead wrinkles up and he just starts fucking crying like a baby.

I fucking laugh. I laugh like I'm watching stripes. Intervention. You know, intervention when the family starts reading their letters of pain to the fucking degenerate drug addict and they start fucking crying. I immediately, I just start roaring laughing. Like it's the funny, like I get more laughs out of that than if I was watching one of those sitcoms with the good looking people in the couch. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Anyways, let's get on with the podcast here.

Oh, Australia, the Australian guy, right? If anybody knows what that is, if there's actually anybody with any st- Well, what? Look, I was just gonna say if there's some sort of psychologist listening to this shit, like as if I deserve professional opinion after you guys listen to my fucking moron opinion every week. Whatever. If you're a plumber, I'd like to hear what you think. All right, ignoring girlfriends past. Bill, I'm an Aussie with a beautiful girlfriend.

How the hell do I stop picturing her getting nailed by guys she's dated before me? I'm torturing myself with these thoughts. We have great sex and everything. Yeah. How do you think she got that way to use the dice clay line from banging all those other people, sir? From what I understand, it's something no one likes to think about. Dude, I'm just breaking your balls. All right.

Look. If you love this girl, you just, you gotta get past the fact that she sucked other dicks, you know? Probably enjoyed it. No, I'm just fucking with you now. That was mean. How do you get past it? I never think about it. I look at women like you just picked up a fucking free agent that's got good fucking career stats here.

That shows that they can get the job done. They can perform in October. You know what I mean? Just look at it like that way. It's like the Dodgers just picking up all those Red Sox. They got Gonzalez. Do you think that they cared that he fucking was playing baseball in some other town? They don't give a fuck.

Just come in here and get the goddamn job done. So we can win the championship. That's how you got to look at it. All right. If she shows up and she's clean, she doesn't have any good. What about you, sir? Next time she's fucking blowing you thinking about, think about all the fucking trolls at the truck stop that you left put their mouths on you. And now she's down there.

You know, there's not enough shampoo and conditioner to clean your dick past a certain fucking age. And that's the goddamn truth. And you don't say anything about that, right? As you put it inside of her. Give me a fucking break. All right. Sir, it is what it is. She's banged other people.

You're going to have to get past it. And I can guarantee you this. She probably hasn't been with remotely the amount of people that you have, not to mention some of the fucking complete tramps. That, uh, you know what I mean? I like to think that women are a little more have a little more discretion in my issues with women right now. It just kills me that I'm saying something pro female because I know they're all fucking nodding. That's right. That's right.

Yeah, there's one way or the other. They're either really discretionary or they're just fucking. Wamping horse. And that was a generalization. I apologize. Um, friends on holy wedding. Dude, I was doing so great on this fucking podcast. I don't know.

It's somewhere I lost the fucking momentum. I lost my mojo when I was talking about why I laugh, you know, at people with the fucking crutches falling down a flight of stairs. I don't know why I got into that friends on holy wedding. Bill, I got a problem that I don't think I can go go to my friends with a friend of mine is getting married. I've been good friends with the guy since we were five years old. We are now 23. He's getting married about a year from now. He has selected me to be the groomsman.

All right. I'm guessing either you fucked his wife, future wife, or she's banged, you know, 70 people or is fucking around on him. That's what I'm guessing. Um, or she's into the devil. One of the other has to be why this is an unholy wedding. All right. He's getting married about a year from now. Good.

You got time. He is, uh, selected. Sorry. He just was calling in. He's going to kill me. He's calling from another fucking country. And I just shut it off because I had to, I got to finish this fucking podcast. You're putting the podcast the enemy.

Yes. Um, he's getting married about a year from now. He has selected me to be a groomsman. This means I have to pay for a flight to attend the wedding. Furthermore, his bachelor party is being you cheap motherfucker. This is what it's going to be about money. All right. This means I fucking hate.

Oh, hang on a second. The lovely Nia, everybody. Nia. Hey, listen, I'm doing the podcast. Can I call you right back? Say hello to the podcast listeners. Telly how I'll talk to you later. See that she had a fucking hard day and I'm not there for what a piece of shit.

All right. Let's get back to tightwad here and I have to buy a tuxedo, you know, uh, a rent one. Uh, this means I have to pay for a flight to attend the wedding. Furthermore, his bachelor party is being held in Las Vegas and I would also have to pay for this flight as well as other expenses of a bachelor party. Normally this wouldn't be an issue. I'm a college student and saving the approximate $1,000. This would cost would be, uh, would be stressful, but it would be worth it to see one of my

greatest friends get married. Okay. See, not a cheap fuck. You're just having money problems. However, my friend has often lied to and cheated on his fiance. Oh, I didn't see that one coming. Why didn't I guess that? There you go.

There's a whole new fucking Jesus. Uh, I'm not judging him. I just, I disapprove of how he treats it. This guy's actually a good shit and I actually call them a piece of God ever. I judge you on your first couple of sentences. What are you going to do? He goes, I disapprove of how he treats her, but I don't get myself involved. He sleeps around and hides from her the fact that he smokes pot and drinks heavily on a

daily basis. I don't know how she hasn't noticed. She's probably because she's a sweetheart. Sweethearts always end up with fucking dicks like this. She's never smoked or cheated, uh, as far as you know. I don't understand why he doesn't find a different relationship. But again, I don't get myself involved. The problem is I can't imagine this marriage will last very long and I don't want to pay

$1,000 for a sham marriage at a time when $1,000 is like the lottery to me. I'm actually offended that he's asked me to do all of this for the wedding and thus spend all this money. I could not imagine asking any of my friends to throw away that much money on something I didn't give a fuck about. Should I decline to attend the wedding? Any advice would be appreciated. I don't know if I can go to our other friends with this one.

Um, all right, there's, as always, there's a million different ways you can play this. There's two options, three options. All right, one, you just fucking bite your tongue and you just go to the goddamn wedding and think that, all right, even though it's going to fucking blow up, maybe he'll learn something from it and then, uh, you know, by the time he's 30, he'll grow up and you guys can actually be friends again. Two, you fucking, did I say there was three? I already forgot the other one, so there's only going to be two here.

Oh, why do you guys listen to this? You know why? Because it makes you feel better, doesn't it? It should. Good. I feel like I'm serving a purpose now. Um, just sit the guy down and be like, dude, can I ask you a question? Yeah, sure, man.

Yeah. What's up? What the fuck are you doing? Uh, what do you, what do you, what do you mean? What am I doing? I mean, what the, why are you getting married? Cause I love her. What is this going?

Dude, you're fucking everything that moves. I walk slower when I'm around you. That's how much shit that you're fucking. Do you understand me? Do you want to stay where I'm coming from? And you're asking me to go out. She doesn't know your booze. She doesn't know that you smoke weed.

You know, I, this is a thousand bucks. If you were actually, you know, this is like me flying. To go see the fucking, I don't know. Go see at the Padres versus the fucking Colorado Rockies. What is the fucking point? You know, you're, you're, you're a piece of shit. This marriage isn't going to last. And what's worse is you're doing it in front of me and then I,

I got to sit there when I have a conversation. You know, I got to figure out what part of her face I'm going to look at because I can't look at her in the eye. You're dragging me into it. You're dragging me into it. You can't look at her in the eye. You're dragging me into it. Ah, Jesus, this is bad advice.

I mean, you got to at least don't say it that way. Just be like, listen, I don't have a thousand dollars. I just don't have it to go to the marriage and then to go to the wedding. Start with that. And then if he gives you shit, just say, oh, that's your other option. Just say, listen, I just don't have the money and you bite your tongue and you look the other way so you don't see them, the train wreck that's going to happen.

That's the option. Or you can just come clean and just say, listen, dude, I love you to death. You're my buddy. But what you're doing here, this is wrong. All right. You're not being fair to her. You're not being fair to me. And yeah, you're fucking, you're screwing yourself in the long run.

So this is what you want to do. I don't want to do it, but I don't want to be a part of it. All right. Yeah. So my guess is your best fucking option as far as like the least amount of drama is to and mental trauma for yourself is to do the one I threw there in the middle. We just said, listen, I just don't have the money. Dude, I can't believe I'm supposed to be your bro, bro.

It's my wedding, dude. I can't believe dude, I can't believe you're fucking everything that moves and you fucking smoke weed and your booze every day. And this girl doesn't even know how about that? And you're acting like you're not doing it. Even it's fucking me and you expect me to stand there. You understand that you understand that I realize that you're fucking everything that moves right now and you're going to go marry this girl.

And I'm not to sit there and watch you toast this girl. I love you. You're the the blood that pumps through my heart that bullshit. You got to sit there staring at my fucking lasagna. You know, there's going to be lasagna anytime you got to cook for more than fucking 10 people. They just make a big tray of that shit. We have a meat base. We have a vegetarian is that big fucking silver tray.

All right. Here's the last one. Oh, this is a short podcast 50 minutes. I'm Satan. This person says, Bill, if Satan punishes the bad, doesn't that make him good? And that's from a lady. Yeah, I don't get the math on that. Like most things when it comes to religion, it doesn't it doesn't add up.

It's like Satan was in heaven. Right. How the fuck does it go? Isn't it when an Iron Maiden song? Can I just go listen to like die with your boots on and I'll know how this story goes. I don't fuck or Judas Priest. You know, point of entry or screaming for vengeance. Don't they have a song about it?

Whatever. Satan was basically, you know, he was like the zildjian brothers before they had a fight and then one broke off and created Sabian. Right. How about something a little more mainstream? It was like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, right? When they were having a little circle jerk around a fucking TRS 80 or whatever the fuck they were doing in their little fort, you know, playing Dungeons and Dragons, playing poker

for each other's loafers, whatever the fuck they did. And then they went their separate ways. Whatever. Satan was in the club, but he wanted to run shit. What did he do? What the fuck did the guy do again? Somehow we pissed off God. Oh, I know.

He tried to take over. He tried to take God's position. And God was like, Oh, no, you did. All right. And then cast him into this fucking pit of fire that never goes out. But somehow Satan is such a bad motherfucker that he sits in the flames and adapted. You know what I mean? Like somebody back in the day that had bronchitis.

So they'd send him out to the desert to fucking dry out like that was going to cure you. He actually got cured to the point now Satan's down there and it's just chilling. Oh, look who got up. Oh, Cleo, get over here. Now you got a itch fucking for nine hours. Yeah. So now he's down there like fucking, you know, lucky Luciano hanging out at the fucking Flamingo. And then you go down there.

You go down. You basically live your life the way he wanted you to. And then you show up at the club and then he's mad at you and then kicks the shit out of you. It doesn't make any sense. And technically he's then punishing you for doing what he did. Is it like like that's like the mail room like God's mail room. So he's sitting there sort sorting envelopes like he's still working for God. I don't I really don't know how it works.

I actually went to church this week. Oh, Jesus. I went there in the second I walk in. Like I don't buy into any of it. I went with I went with Nia's mom. We went to church. And what I try to do when I go in there is go above all of it and try to like, you know, connect with something like whoopee Goldberg and ghost, you know, try to connect with something else other than what this like literally what they're preaching. It's like, you know, you guys had the Holy Wars.

You had the fucking Inquisition. I mean, you fucking, you know, when Jewish people after World War two were trying to get their shit back, like the amount of stuff that went into the Vatican. I mean, you were down with the Nazis. Like how is this plate like how did Penn State lose all those victories? Right. Lost all those victories. And what happened to the Catholic Church? You know, I've talked about this a zillion fucking times.

They have broken on a global level, every major fucking commandment that there is. And they just sit there. Holy, holy, holy. Fucking tell me how to live my life. Um, yeah, just don't buy into it. And then the money basket came around. I'm not giving these motherfuckers shit. As with Nia's mom and I was like, I don't want to be an asshole in front of us.

I threw five bucks in there, five bucks. I just paid $5 for the fucking defense attorney in a pedophile case. Kind of telling me I'm not going to hell right then. But being so goddamn stupid. Yeah, who was, uh, And they had the guy, they had the, this Irish tenor guy who was singing all the songs. Keep in mind it. And he would do like this big conducting thing.

He was like totally fucking into it to get the crowd going. Right. He had this awful suit on that didn't fit him. You know, looks like he ate donuts and shit. And they stayed in the guy and the preacher gave him a fucking shout out. He goes this week. Ah, we would like to extend a congratulations to, uh, that guy over there.

It can't fit into a sport coat for 20 years of singing songs here at this church. And I want to say here's to another 50 years air at this church. Nobody clapped. And it's like, he's going to be dead in 50. We're all going to be, I'll be dead. Well, maybe not. Right. 94.

What's the deal with dentures? That's going to be a sad fucking day. Me fucking wheeling my ass onto the stage fucking at 94 years old. You know, somebody with a Jetsons haircut interviewing me for the show. Do you still enjoy it? Do you still enjoy every night that I could get out there and bring a smile that people say, um, fucking sitting there instead of like bottled water backstage, I'll have like vital organs being grown to be inserted in me before I go out there.

That's like the level of, uh, that won't be available to me. Dick Cheney will have that shit. He'll still be walking around. Um, anyways, what the fuck was I just talking about? Oh yeah. For another 50 years, he's going to be dead. Look at him. He's like 40 pounds over fucking weight.

He's sliding into 50 at about 90 miles an hour without a helmet on the way this guy's fucking eating. He's not, he's not going to make it. He probably has some fucking horrific collection of porn. He's not wearing a wedding ring. This fucking, he's sweaty. Like what is he doing? This guy's sad.

He has no fucking life. I feel bad for him. Let's get him a haircut, get him a gym membership. And how about we make the last seven years of his fucking life enjoyable? How about that? Why don't we go out and get a harlot for this guy? You know, the physical equivalent to a dozen donuts, he'll be able to relate. You know, I'm not even saying any of that's true people.

That's just what was going through my head when I was there. There was some guy in the pew. I hate that word pew in front of me. And he just looked like an evil motherfucker. You know, he was balding. He was like in his, he was like pushing 60. He was tan. He had fucking balding, but he still was dyeing his hair jet black and he had a pinky ring

and a bracelet on right there. Pinky ring and a bracelet. You're a dishonest motherfucker. All right. Unless you're a chick. If you're a guy and you're wearing that, you know, that Dr. Vinnie Boombat's fucking outfit. That's it. You're a piece of shit.

And he just, I don't know. When he looked over me pieced me with you. I want to be like, fuck you. Now what do you mean what? You know what it's for. Whatever the fuck you did since last Sunday with your pinky ring and your bracelet. I think Jesus Christ, I think I was just sitting there judging people. They had altar girls, you know, said of the altar boys just to keep the priests honest,

you know, which I thought was brilliant. That's a brilliant way to keep them away from little boys is to let girls do it because they were all girls. There was no boys there. What else can I trash about it? I can't remember. You know, I, I, he gave the homily and I didn't remember one fucking thing that he said. It might well.

I couldn't understand what he was saying. I don't know. That was my, that was my little trip to fucking church. But I went, but I went and I actually saw the confessionals and I was thinking, Jesus, this shit that I have to get off my chest. And then, but then I always think like, what the fuck do I want to tell this guy? Why do I got to go in there? Tell it to you.

And then it goes, then you run it up the fucking line. You know, fucking weirdo. You just want to hear all the bad shit that I did because you're not allowed to go out and fucking bang a broad. Jesus, you just, you just, you're just going over old fucking points. You've already made. We get it. Oh, you don't like this shit.

All right. Let's, let's, let's, let's conclude here. Let's, let's try to bring this around to something positive. All right. Let's start with video games. Video games. Why don't you like them? Video games.

See that? I always come up with like a jingle for everybody. Amazon.com. No, that's the wrong one. Gamefly.com, everybody. Did I almost say baby? Gamefly.com, baby. All right.

Would you like to play 8,000 video games? Get a two week free trial? Huh? A $23 value? Jesus Christ. That's what it costs. 23 bucks. It's, it's almost free anyways.

And they're giving it to you for free. Let me tell you something. If I played video games, I would go to gamefly.com. I would go to www.gamefly.com slash burr or click on the banner ad on my podcast page and get a free trial. And I would enjoy 8,000 video games for two weeks. And you know what I do after two weeks? I'd give them 23 bucks for a membership.

And I'd put on my virtual glasses and I would go to another world and I would kill the bad things. Right? And when I couldn't do it, I would get frustrated and I would go online and I'd find the cheats and I'd get all the weapons and I would finish the game in 20 minutes. It would make me feel good. Right? Then I would yell out at other people because I would feel guilty. Um, anyways.

Yeah. Gamefly.com slash burr. Go on there. Get all the video games that you could possibly ever want. Stack them all up around your face and you won't have to deal with the world anymore. All right. Amazon.com. Would you like to help out this podcast and support the troops?

Um, go to billbird.com. Click on the banner ad. Anytime you're going to buy something on Amazon, just do that. Click on the banner ad, the Amazon banner ad on my podcast page. It'll bring you directly to amazon.com. You don't have to do anything else. Go out there. Go buy yourself a ladle, whatever the hell you're looking for, a pegboard possibly.

Like what I'm going to buy later on. After this podcast. And, um, they kick me a percentage of whatever, you know, people buy and then I take a percentage of that. I basically, I'm kicking an overall 10% as I say every week of the advertising money that I make. I send it over to the wounded warriors project. It's a great damn thing.

And, uh, why not after this last hour of filth and all the horrible things that I've said, it's nice that I could bring it around to this, this, uh, nice little moment here. You know, holy. Holy, holy, holy. All right. That's the fucking podcast. Go fuck yourselves. Um, that's it.

That's the podcast for this week. Please come out and see me at the first stop on the white trash tour. Um, and at the, uh, what the hell am I going to be? I'm going to get the improv in Orlando, Florida. Would you like the exact dates? You want me to hold your hand through this whole thing? I know where Orlando is, but when am I supposed to be there? Oh, this fucking computer.

Come on. Orlando improv September 7th, 8th and 9th. I said September 7th and 8th. Is that true? I thought I was there for three days. Thursday, Friday, Saturday is when I'm there. Comedy zone, Charlotte, September 13th, 14th and 15th. And I'll see you at the game on Sunday.

Um, oh, by the way, if anybody has any ideas of some shit that I can go to a gun store, something that's going to fucking be a cool thing to do in any of these cities for the love of God, let me know because God knows the travel channel never comes to your towns. Caroline's the makeup date from July. I'm going to be there September 20, 21, 22 and 23. And I will be there with the teen idol sensation from the opening Anthony program. The one and only Joe Joey Roses de Rosa. Okay, this is his farewell performance as a feature act.

Okay, this is literally the end of an era. Um, I can't even say he's arguably the greatest feature act of all time. He is the greatest feature act of all time. And we want to thank him, all the headliners in this country for his dedicated service in the feature position for all of these years. Um, he stayed there longer than he had it than he had to kind of like a blue chip prospect in college sports who leaves after his freshman or sophomore year. Joe is like the Tim Duncan of feature acts. He did all four years and this is his farewell performance. Um, of course, he's going to get even more dressed up than usual, which usually is the one thing that if I could criticize him is the way he always outdresses me as a feature.

But, um, he always pulls back the reins on his talent, you know, because he chooses what's good for the show over what's good for Joey Roses. Okay, and that's why he's the he's the greatest of all time. He did things in the feature position that have never been done before. And in the opening, in the opening slot is Sean Patton, one of my favorite new comics out there. It's going to be a great show. All of us have drinking problems, so we'll be at the bar afterwards. Please come by and say hello, but don't overstay. You're welcome if you know what I'm saying, right?

Come by little fucking high five, get a picture with Joey Roses on his final performance and then move. Keep it moving. All right. Unless there's somebody there that's going to show us their tits. Okay, I think that that's reasonable. I think that's a nice little zone that we can exist in. Can't we? Um, then the comedy zone in Jacksonville, Florida.

Okay, I have never been here before. If this is literally carved into the side of a fucking barn right next to a check cashing store, it will not surprise me. I'm really looking forward to seeing what human beings look like. Like what if you were going to say like Jacksonville, Florida, you know, you got a cities, you got B cities, C city, like where would you put that? You know what I mean? That was like the other day I was talking to, uh, I was talking to somebody. And we were talking about this guy who was dumb, but wasn't mentally challenged. And I basically said, he got the F brain is basically it.

That was my way of saying that, you know, there's nothing wrong with them. He just got, you know, there's the A brain, the B brain, the C, like the A brain would be fucking, you know, Bill Gates and those types of guys, Einstein. You get, you get the deal, right? It's just like great in the paper. You get the F brain, you know, you failed. You failed at life. There's nothing technically wrong with your brain. You know what it's like a car, you know, like when they had the Z 28, but they also had like the rally sport with like a V six engine and no air conditioning.

You got the brain version of that. All right. So I'm going into a city. I wouldn't even, when I say Jacksonville is an F, I wouldn't say an F. I was, it's a D. It's a fucking D. All right. And you people in Jacksonville, if you're fucking offended by this, come out to the show and I will give you the floor.

I will give you a minute during my show to stand up like it's a town meeting and I want you to defend your fucking city and tell me why it deserves a better grade than a D. All right. You can tell me why you're better than Tampa. You know, at the end of the day, to use that overly used expression, I'm going to be in all of these cities. So I'm not above them. You see that? That's me pretending like I'm being humble and down to earth right now. Hey, can I, can I talk to you guys about that right now?

Not being humble or pretending to be humble. The fucking, the amount of hacky shit that's on the internet, like on Twitter, that somebody comes up with something and everybody dives on it. You know, like when people do that, that feeling when those tweets, you know what I mean? Like, why, why would you think when you're like the 90th fucking person to do it in the last minute that that's still fucking cool to shaking my head? You know, just a bunch of fucking hacks and then they'll turn around and criticize movies and shit, you know, or a guy like Kid Rock. What's wrong with people? All right. Oh, full of shit.

A hypocritical bill. That's it. I'm done. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great week. I know the podcast was a little late today, but you know, it's a day off. Stop acting like you weren't your cubicle. You weren't doing shit today.

Right. Football season starts. Who do you like? Jesus, I can't end this podcast. I got to tell you this. I have fucking issue with the quarterback of my team. All right. I saw something very disturbing.

That started to, you know, to start this season and it had nothing to do with the horrific past protection that I've seen in the preseason. It has to do with a particular quarterback on the cover of this magazine with a Doberman pincher and the Doberman's growling. And he's also going like, like the dog too. And it's just, it's just not a good look. I remember there was a time when this particular individual said, you know, I'm not into commercials and that I just want to win championship. And now I'm looking at this guy with his perfect teen idol stubble on the cover of the magazine as if he said, Hey, I have a shoot on Tuesday. What day should I stop shaving? I don't know.

I'm hoping if I do this, this will be like the reverse jinx. Well, this will actually make him win a Super Bowl this year. Okay. Because we won that thing last year and fucking choked it away and it still bugs me. We had that fucking game one. We had one. We fucking choked it away. Actually, I can't say choked it away because that takes away from the Giants victory.

I'll say this is what it is. We had the opportunity to win the game and choked. They then had the opportunity to win the game and did not. They delivered. We did not. All right. So I don't know what the fuck we're on magazine covers for growling with dogs for when we came in second. It doesn't make sense to me.

I don't, you know, it's like back in the day when I used to watch Peyton Manning, you know, lose another fucking playoff game. And next thing you know, he's driving down the fucking street in a pacer waving at a camera, you know, with a Gillette razor in his hand. I don't fucking understand that really built with 20 minutes of fucking advertising on your podcast. You don't get it. You dumb cunt. I'm out of here. See you. Thank you.