Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-2-13

Episode Date: September 2, 2013

Bill rambles about Labor Day, Cannibalism and war in Syria.

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Why? No one goes to work! Is it Labor Day around the world? If it is, happy Labor Day to all of you guys out there, especially ones that make all of our clothes. Everybody in the first world out there. Come on, let's have a nice round of applause for the six-year-old in El Salvador

who made you little cargo pants that you're walking around the cookout with right now with your big stupid pockets. Your wife's rolling her fucking eyes going, why does he keep wearing those shorts he had in college? Oh God, the 90s are over. Why doesn't he see it? Why did I end up jumping on his dick instead of that other guy's?

That other guy, he became a doctor and he wears slacks now. For those of you around the world listening to this podcast, my ego tells me that there is people around the world, you know, maybe somebody sitting in a bunker, right? Listening to this shit. Over here in the United States, we have something called Labor Day because we work so fucking hard in this country. That's why we're number one.

You know why? Because we outworked all of you. You bunch of lazy fucking cunts. Actually, we didn't. According to Tom Broke, I was the greatest generation. They fucking did everything except raise their kids right. You know, they raised their kids right where they reacted to the Vietnam War the way they did now.

They would have gone into the Pacific the same way they did in World War II. We got a job to do. It's got to get done. No one wants to do it. Fuck it. I'm volunteering, right? They were so shell-shocked from that they couldn't even look at their kids. And then their kids just grew up all spoiled rotten. And then all of a sudden it was their turn to go. And then they were just like, hey, man, like, don't harsh the mellow, man.

Right? And that was the beginning of the end. I'm telling you right now, if less people dodged the Vietnam War, you wouldn't have as many fat people in this fucking country right now. Okay? And if you can't do the math on that one, then you know what? I can't help you. That's one of my new things is I just make stupid statements to people in bars, right? That connect in no way possible. And as I watch their forehead wrinkle up, I throw in,

and if you can't do the math, then I can't help you. It's a fucking wonderful game because it puts somebody... Remember when you were in like junior high, grade school, junior high or whatever, and kids first started talking about sex, and they would be like, do you know what this is? And you had no idea, but you didn't want to admit to it, you know, because you didn't want to be the kid who didn't know, even though nobody was fucking anything at that point, right? But you just didn't want to be the dummy. That's what I'm tapping into.

All right? And if you can't do the math on that, then I can't help you. I'm telling you, when you say I can't help you, you got to look away, and just let them sit with that. You know, just sitting with them, but that didn't make any sense. Well, should I let it go? Is anybody else noticing that I don't know what it means? Anyways, Labor Day, I don't know what the history of it is. I'm sure I could look it up on Wikipedia, but so could you, you know? What am I, your fucking reader? Do you want me to do it?

Because I will. I'll look it up right now. I'll fucking click on this right here, right? And then I'm going to type in Labor Day, L-A-B-E-R. It's B-O-R. Jesus Christ. Labor Day history. What is the history of Labor Day? You know, there's going to be something horrific. Labor Day's politics history begins with workers' strikes in 1890s. You knew it. You knew there was going to be some sort of bloodshed. Right? And then we all forget.

Years later, we're just sitting around a fucking big green egg smoking a big pork shoulder, which is what I'm doing right now. Rose Bowl legend. Jason Lawhead will be joining the... I should really clarify that. Rose Bowl tailgate legend. I keep calling those legends like we're actually out there playing the game. Oh, look at that. An advertisement for Hertz rental car. You know what? I think I'm actually going to switch to them. This is free advertising for those cunts.

Because whenever I go to the airport and I'm waiting for fucking budget, those douchebags, I think they have one bus at every airport. And I've really tried to sit there and be like, okay, am I just impatient? And so I just started counting buses. And I got to tell you, Hertz and Avis, they got a lot of buses. National and Alamo, they're kind of like, I don't know. They're from the other side of the track. You know, they didn't come from money, but they're working their way up. They got to share a bus, you know, but it's building character over there.

There's a lot of character over at Alamo and National. But I'll tell you, budget wasn't raised right. You need to stay away from them. I've had it with those cunts. I've had it with them. I've been with them for fucking ever. I've had it with them. All right, Labor Day's political history begins with worker strikes in the 1890s. Yeah, this is when we had sweatshop labor over here, which is why we created unions, so that they would stop.

And then the unions literally became the fucking thing that they were fighting. All right, leaning on shovels, some on break and all that fucking thing, taking advantage of it. And then the corporate cunts said, oh, yeah, well, you know, good luck to you and your union. We're taking the factory to another country. Go on strike all you want. We're still making money. All right, there you go. Like the Maginal line, they flew right over the fucker. So now here we are.

All right, and that poor guy in rage against the machines got to bring his ukulele all over the fucking country to try and get the people of this nation refocus on what the purpose of a union is. Huh, because all those, hey, man, people, they all had kids. They all had kids. All right, and then they joined unions and then everything left. All right, and if you can't do the fucking math on that, then I can't help you. Yeah, I just walked away. I can't help. Labor Day has fallen upon us once again.

Oh, this guy, what a writer. Has it really fallen upon us? Has it graced itself with our graced ourselves with its presence? Is that how we say it? Labor Day has fallen upon us once again. I would love to look up the douchebag who wrote this and find out how many fucking articles he started that way. You know, just the way this hacky stand-up comics, there's also hacky writers. Like, I refuse.

Ooh, ooh, do you, Bill? Are you really refusing? Can you feel the world shaking in its fucking boots? Um, fuck you. I have my standards that I live by, I like to think. Piece of shit standards, but standards nonetheless. Um, I don't, I refuse to read any celebrity interview that begins with what they're eating. I think that's the hackiest way to, I've met a zillion times. John Travolta, you know, breaks into some fucking medium rare steak wearing a smart button down.

Shut the fuck up and just ask him what it was like to be in dance fever. All right? You say, hey, I'm a star fucker and I can't believe I get to sit across from this icon. It's amazing that when he eats, he also gets shit on his face. You wouldn't think that from an Oscar. Winner! Um, all right, for most Americans, we're back to the article now. This means little more than the end of the summer.

Oh, really? You're gonna talk down to me right at the beginning of the fucking article? Joseph, do you have fucking horn-rimmed glasses from the 80s? For most Americans, this means little more than the end of the summer. Social season. Oh, well, you know, he's actually right because I did have to look this thing up. Kids and college students alike returned to school, leaving relieved parents to grasp some sense of normalcy. Jesus, get to be more fucking dramatic.

Cookouts flare on and friends get together for cool drinks after some outdoor fun. Was this written in the 20s? No, because there hasn't been anything racist yet. We're playing horseshoes. Back then, they probably used like a black guy. They just hammered his head into the ground and used him as like a steak, and nobody said anything wrong with it, right? Isn't that how bad the racism was back then?

I might be wrong on that one. I don't know. All right, amid all the action, everyone seems to forget that Labor Day, what Labor Day is all about. Well, for the love of God, Joseph, can you get to the fucking point? We get it. You know what it is and we don't. What an asshole. You know what, in his picture he has his glasses on, but as I read this, I picture him taking them off right now

to give me a little talk into. During the late 1800s, Labor leaders, Labor decided that hardworking Americans deserved a holiday of their own. In other words, they felt them getting ready to storm the castle. This is the old bread and circus. After 1894's monumental Pullman railroad strike, Congress decided to federalize this holiday. Ah, God.

And let me guess, the fucking morons agreed to it. Hey, we wanted equal pay and we wanted some decent hours. Hey, how about we give you one day off a year? Is it going to be beer? Of course it's going to be beer. All you can drink. Oh, I don't know about that fellow. Sounds pretty good to me. Bye, he's a jolly good fellow, and that's the end of it. They completely lose their focus.

The Pullman strike had such a wide-ranging implication that less than a week after it ended, the President Grover Cleveland signed the Labor Day Act into law. Now, if you can't fucking do the math on that, don't you see what's happening? This strike happened and all the fucking blue blood douchebags with their top hats chomping on a cigar, walking around like the fucking penguin, they saw what was coming.

People were like, we've had it, we're not going to take this anymore, and we're coming for you, you tuxedoed cunt on a Tuesday. How much money do you have that you're wearing that get-up on a fucking Tuesday, right? Back then, they had spats, right? Showed out a big, long car. They didn't try to hide it. So, they saw what the fuck was coming, and then, you know, Grover Cleveland, so who's kidding who?

They get in office, all those rich cunts, right? So, they get them, hey, Grover. He's supposed to call me Mr. President. Grover, get in here. Waddle your fat ass in here, you cunt. Listen, okay, if this shit, what happened at the Pullman Strike, happened straight across this land, we're not going to have the money to keep the whores coming in

to suck your dick while your wife's in the other room. Do you want that to happen? It was a rhetorical question, just listen to us, okay? We need to have a fucking day off for these people. Just give them one fucking day off. We'll smoke a pork shoulder, we'll get them a bunch of beer. They'll be so fat and fucking hungover. They'll be good till Christmas.

All right, just do this for us so we can keep all the money. Can you do that for us? Haven't we done enough for you? Your fucking name is Grover Cleveland, and we still got you the Oval Office. All right, we ready? On two. On two, ready, break. All right, sorry.

I think, I don't need to read the rest of this. Isn't that what happened? Considering then both U.S. soldiers and federal law enforcement officers killed a number of strikers, this was the least that he could do. Oh yeah, God forbid you protest that you work in fucking 900 hours

a goddamn week. You know? Ah, Jesus Christ. See, this is before they had like fucking, you know, CNN and Fox News to spin it and all that type of crap. All you had was word of mouth going around. You know?

I'm sure they had newspapers. People read back in the 1800s. All right, I know I'm just sounding dumber by this second, but I think I made some sort of point there. I like to think I did. Well, this is actually fascinating to me now. Let's read some more of Jason's article.

Is that his name? Joseph, sorry. Minimum wage laws were a long way off, and if one thinks the health insurance is bad now, it was non-existent then. There is the gilded ages near total lack of workplace

sanitation and fare pay standards. Oh yeah, like when they built like the Brooklyn bridge like they averaged like five guys dying a day. A day. Something crazy because they didn't understand the bends. And as they were bringing somebody up and they'd start to get it, they were like, bring him up quicker. He's getting sick. And then that would be it.

That was it. Your dad went to work and he died. You know? There was no 60 minutes. You know, coming out to fucking help you. Ed Bradley or some shit. He's still around and he died too. A lot of people died on that show. Well, it's been around

for 50 years, Bill. A lot of people died on the Brady Bunch at this point. No. Alice is still alive. I don't know about Sam, but you might died. The dad died. Dad always dies, you know? Fucking working his ass off.

Trying to drop some plans and fucking put Lawrence Henderson coming in with the world's first mullet. You know? Ah, where the fuck am I? Thankfully, scores of long pressed labor has eventually got together and formed

unions. As individuals, they were all but powerless to bring about the positive change. In large groups though, they managed to secure the American dream, not only for themselves, but for generations to come. Throughout the 20th century, Democrats typically favored the interest of non-managed workers, while

Republicans catered to administrators and business owners. Why do you gotta throw the Hatfields and McCoys in there? You know? It's us versus the 5% of them. Okay, stop with the Yankee Red Sox shit, goddammit. Radicals in both parties

often destroyed the chance for reasonable solutions to co- Okay, that's fair. To complex financial problems, but moderate voices often prevailed. That should explain our country's economic success for most in the 1900s. Well, I imagine there's more to it than that, but what the fuck?

So there you go, people. There's a little ignorant history on this wonderful fucking day. And here we are. 120 years later, and I'm sitting around today doing a podcast smoking a pork shoulder. I made a fucking apple pie.

It's going down. Calories. Calories will be consumed on this wonderful day. You know what would be great is if somehow you could just eliminate greed and be jealousy paranoia lost basically the seven deadly sins.

Okay. Look, I'm far from a fucking perfect person. Oh, Jesus. But it would be good just at least at that fucking level. You know, if everybody could be like, hey, you know, we're making enough money. Yeah, why we should, you know, give you health insurance. I love that whole fucking myth

that if you actually treat workers decently like a fucking t-shirt is going to cost $50. It isn't. In order for you to continue maintaining your fucking giant yacht, it would cost that. When I was a kid, you know, factories were just starting to go

overseas, but they made a lot of shit here and sneakers weren't the equivalent of fucking $200 or whatever the fuck they said that they were going to be. It's all bullshit. I don't buy a fucking word of it. And that's it. All right. I'm not going to talk anymore because at this point

I'm probably even sounding more ignorant than usual, but my gut tells me I'm right. So go fuck yourselves. I just bailed out of that one, didn't I? Nice barrel roll right out of a fucking moving car. So most of you are probably asking, not most of you, but a lot of you.

Well, maybe none of you. But none of you can call in to tell me you're not thinking this. So I'm going to go with this and say you are thinking this shit. It's a pork shoulder. You're eating the shoulder of a pork. It's actually the pigs ass. But you would sell a lot less of them. I think if you said, you know, you know, pig ass, pig rectum.

Some people will go pig butt. That's the closest I'll say. But yeah, we're eating the, uh, the ass of a pig. We're smoking the fucker. And, uh, it's going to be delicious. Um, so anyways, let's get on with the podcast here.

Everybody, did you watch any college football this weekend? Lawhead, come on in. Oh, look who's here. Huh, jump on. Wait, wait, wait. I got to give you a proper intro. You've never been on the podcast, right? Ladies and gentlemen, we have here

the living legend. He's tipping the cap. I keep saying Rose Bowl legend. It's got to be a Rose Bowl, uh, tailgate legend. Call the fame. Grab the microphone right there. Touchdown in a Rose Bowl. But, uh, but we're built.

We've built a program here. Because when we started this thing, it was ugly. It was bad. I mean, we were like a first year. No, you weren't even there. You weren't even there at the first tailgate. The first two years, you showed up to the second one, but you weren't cooking. You were at another one. The first year.

I only think I remember it was being drunk and Bartnick putting butter on the steaks with two fingers, with his index finger with his middle finger, because we didn't have any utensils. He's probably doing that today. And I had this little hibachi

and, uh, I just remember I didn't know how to cook. I didn't know how to grill or anything like that. I kept flipping the steak and I heard this guy go, please, please stop flipping that steak. Hopefully it was a little holiday fan. Or no, that was the second year. I showed up during the holiday game. No, this was the first year.

This is already how long we've been doing this and how I'm starting to feel like the old man over there. The first year we went there it was USC versus Penn State fucking Mark Sanchez was quarterback for USC Pete Carroll was still coach

Joe Paterno Joe Paterno hadn't been uncovered yet. Well, I mean, you know, but the fucking I actually did stand up for both teams down at the improv. They had like this pre thing. So one night they had us one day they had USC

Joe Paterno was not there. I often wondered was send dusky there. I mean, granted everybody he was off the staff by then, but and everybody was shaving. So if they got to another Rose Bowl after what all the has happened, you might down a little bit.

Do you think that they would ever Penn State would ever go to an improv comedy show like that now even you know, just with the risk I just some guy that might I think they would because they're already on TV and yesterday I caught myself going, oh, let's see

how they rebuild this. And then I had to think rebuild it from the pedophile case, but they're already like they're bringing Joe Paterno statue back out and you know, they took it down like he was fucking Saddam Hussein but I mean, dude I don't want to get into that whole subject because I love the guy, but I just don't know

no matter what generation no matter how old you are, how you you know what it is, dude, it's power, it's money it's the reputation, there was so much shit on the line that they tried to fucking out of handle it in, I don't know handle it in the house. Who knows, let's not even talk

about that. We got a pork shoulder right now smoking. So they, so that first year I didn't think we had cigars. We might have had cigars, but dude, we got absolutely fucking annihilated. I think all we had was the steaks or maybe burgers.

I can't, I can't fucking remember all I remember dude, I was so, because you got to understand when you guys go there like, you help with the drinking, with Bartnick. I was going like one on one. Like if Bartnick was a wrestler, we'd have to all come running in from the locker room to try to take him down

but I was sitting there. Like I had my wrestling scene from Stripes when everybody all the girls had to go take down John Candy. Yeah, beat the shit out of him off. I actually saw that actor who played he played Psycho in Francis Sawyer. Yeah, I saw him in an episode of TJ Hooker. TJ Hooker is some of the worst

acting ever. Ever. And he's still great. He's still great in it. He just, he just was a fucking great actor. Adrian Zememeth. No, no, the other guy, his partner, Hooker's partner, the good looking guy, the young guy. Oh, who played an Italian, but he was terrible.

He was a Armenian or something. He was like Armenian, he was like Eastern Bloc. And he played, he played Romano was his name. Yeah, I mean his last name started with a Z. He was an Italian. His real last name was like a ZYMT and then it was like a. Well, you have to watch it because they

they never call him TJ. They just call him Hooker the whole time so that they'll be like when TJ's in a difficult situation, they'll be trying to find him out and they got the walkie-talkie going Hooker, Hooker. And it's just like that. I heard Hooker from the day I was born.

So like why, how the fuck did they get on the air? Like why wouldn't you just pick something else? And that's probably why they just threw the TJ title so they could just have the TJ but knew that they were going to hook it all the time. They never used it. I don't think you're going to go away with like Hooker, Friday night, Hooker on

CBS, everybody. Although that would everyone want to watch. No, but I'm saying the characters could have said fucking could have said like TJ, right? TJ. TJ. That's still bad. That is bad. Call him Tommy. Tommy Hooker. Thomas. He needs more

of a manly name. We built this program to what it is today. I mean this is like for your ask from where it started to now we're smoking meat. Oh, the day starts with the omelette starts with a heater. Who's kidding? The heater. Starts off with a whiskey. Then you have a fucking

100 at ease. Joe Bartnick. I could drink a hundred at ease. I love when he does that. Literally Joe Bartnick after his first sip of whiskey when it hits his lips, he looks around everybody in this like strong whispery voice. I could drink a hundred at ease

and then the night's the day's on and he loses his ticket and then waits for us at the game. Oh, I don't even know if I even brought that up from last year. That was the worst fucking that was like the Willem de Faux moment in platoon left him behind. Somehow he lost his ticket. He got picked. Things are so big

he put him in his back pocket and I think because I walked to the stadium with him. You guys were a little ahead of us because he was moving slow. You know, Joe's a big dude. He had about a hundred at ease in him. Right. And I was kind of like staying to his pace like helping him and then we get to the gate and he goes right to

his back pocket and it's gone and I'm like, I looked at that. I'm like, ah, we walked around but it was one of those things like if somebody had their game on and they saw that thing sticking out of his back pocket, if he's just I mean, you know those crowds, you swipe it and you're gone. Or if it just fell on ground, pick it up and just go scalp it or something.

Yeah, so he had to stay outside. That was the fucking worst. Hey, is it true that they don't sell booze at the Rose Bowl? No booze at the Rose Bowl. We're so in the sheets by then that we don't even care. Five years in, I never noticed. Yeah, they don't sell booze. Hey, I got to do a couple of advertising right here. If you're just tuning in,

I like to say that like this is actual radio station rather than people downloaded it. We're talking three to two in a tent. Rose Bowl tailgate legend. Jason Lawhead, he's over here smoking a fucking pig's ass. All right, Dollar Shave Club everybody. There are so many things in this

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And it makes your viewing pleasures go through the roof, I guess. Is that what I'm trying to say? All right. And we're back to the podcast here, everybody. You're like, you turned into like the Paul Harvey of podcasters now. What do you mean? You're like live spots right in the middle. You know, like Paul Harvey.

That was actually your, you know, Charmin Tissue paper. Charmin Tissue. All the rest of the story. Charmin Tissue. Wrap a jab in it and light them on fire. It's 1945. Yeah, back then when they would do the promos for the war, I was watching

all this ever since I've been reading these World War II books and stuff and just watching some of those propaganda films that they have. Like, dude, like the work, they would actually show war crimes. Like strafing, I guess, was

considered a war crime, which is basically if you had people, like, defenseless in the water after you shot down their ship or whatever, shot down the ship, torpedoed their ship, they would just see the survivors in the war and they'd come and they would show that. How'd they do it to us? It was brutal. It was war, man. It's fucking brutal.

But what kills me is you think they try to keep it quiet, but they were describing one showing strafing in a movie theater. The crowd was going nuts and he goes, there they are, boys. Let them have it. And then he goes, they deserve it. It's like Phil Hartman's sketch. And they got to, like, they always had

the music behind it, too. Like the happy, like, parade music. Oh, yeah. At the risk of repeating myself from last week, like, both sides viewed each other like they were animals. Like, they thought that we bled green blood and we had tails

and I don't know. We said, we both said each side was devils. They said, you know, if the Americans come, kill yourself because they're going to eat you and all this type of stuff. And they were actually committing acts of cannibalism.

Dude, I've read this book, Fly Boys. I'm telling you, there's a chapter in there. Like, I had to set it down and walk away for a little bit and then plow my, because it was such a good book, just that one chapter on that. Dude, it was a, I don't know. We're smoking a pork shoulder. I don't need to be talking about this.

Smoking a pork shoulder. We're going to be making some coleslaw, bro. Coleslaw. Yeah, but I don't need to be talking about fucking cannibalism. If you had to, if you had to eat a person. All right, Jay, I got to ask you this. What's the body type you would be looking for? You wouldn't want...

Survival or enjoyment? Like, if I had to, like, string it out or, like, if I had to, like, stock my shelf, or if I just really wanted a nice, nice suit and... I don't want you to go Hannibal Lecter. I want you to be, let's consider for a second that I'm surprised at that reaction,

but let's just say you're a... You know what I mean? Like, is it One Night Out or is it I'm on an island? If I'm on an island, I'll pick John Goodman, if I'm, you know what I mean? Yeah, but, okay, John Goodman will be nice and marbled. Yeah. There can be a lot of flavor in that.

You got an athlete. It's going to be too tough. Exactly. You know? This one you got, you got to get that married guy who used to work out, but now he's got four kids. I figured that would be the... Travolta. That would be the best eats. He's like the nice middle of the road kind of a guy. Yeah, and he used to dance.

Yeah, he used to dance. He used to be soft in areas where you could taste really good. You know what I mean? You think, like, now it's like his nose or his double chin would taste really good. Like, that'd be like a snack. Nah, that's too exotic. That's like the pig hoof.

I started like sweating after my body was just like, what kind of meat is this? No, you got to go with the... I have nightmares for like a month straight. Yeah, you got to go with Travolta's pork shoulder. All right, let's go with this. Philip Seymour Hoffman or John Travolta.

John Travolta would be more like an age steak. This is probably so disgusting. And I think Philip Seymour Hoffman, you'd have to do a lot of cleaning. Like, Travolta looks like he waxes, so you wouldn't have to go off there. You wouldn't have to like, you know, chop so much of the hair off.

You know, like, if I get killed a bear compared to a deer, you'd have to really work the bear over. All I'm thinking right now is Louis de Palma. Let's get out of this. Hey, you're a big college football fan. What did you watch this weekend? Well, obviously, I was in Vegas this weekend. I watched my Buckeyes.

We didn't look great, but got some work to do on defense. Number two in the country. You know, you guys, you guys can't pull, got yourself out of the hole real quick. Like that guy in the Viagra commercial when he hooks the truck up to the horse, right? Well, we got Urban, man, Urban Meyer.

That guy goes, everywhere that guy goes, he wins. I mean, his winning percentage is ridiculous. Like 870. I mean, he's, he can't, undefeated season at Utah one year. I'm not as deep as you. Now, he's not, the guy who was there when they got suspended, he left.

I mean, he was there when they got suspended here. Thank God, Meyer got sick of his family after a couple of years. Oh, I was spending time with my family. Luckily, they were annoying and he's back on the scene. You know what I mean? And he's got two national titles. He probably could have won one in Utah.

If it was before it was prior BCS, you know, Alex Smith, he recruited Alex Smith. You know, why did I hear like they're getting rid of the BCS? Like this is the last year. They're going to go to that final four type thing. They're going to go to a finally, like a somewhat of a playoff. Oh, you got to play two game.

Yeah, you're going to have a final four and NCAA football final four. Do you know how huge that's going to be? It's going to be ridiculous. And you know, most of the games will be played right here in our backyard, right here. I mean, there would be idiots not to use Pasadena for that. That's going to be amazing. Well, I gotta tell you, I watched my LSU Tigers

playing the TCU. He go broke. Come on, frogs. Hey, you know what's funny is I couldn't find the fucking game because I kept looking up LSU when they were on all I saw was versus Texas Christian University. And I'm so dumb.

I didn't put I didn't know what they did. They never said it the whole game. They didn't go, come on, Texas Christian University. They went TCU. No, bro. Come on, bro. That was the game we saw them against Wisconsin. That was the game when we basically knew then we had to

up our game in the tailgate realm. It was that TCU Wisconsin game. The guy next to us had the flat screen Yeah, that's when we were like, dude, what are we doing? We thought we had, we thought we came more prepared from the year before, which was right. And then we were like, last year,

the first time we had people looking at our tailgate go and see those guys, they're doing it right. People were coming over every time I lifted that thing. The big one is women, when women start looking over going, because women don't forget anything. No, yeah, we had like moms, Wisconsin moms coming over going, what are you cooking? Like, what is that?

People were like kind of like trying to be nice to us to see if we'd offer them someone it was done like it. Oh, yeah, it was great. It's the greatest thing. But I watched the LSU TCU game and I got to tell you about this is supposed to be a rebuilding year for us. This is my team, but I got to tell you

Well, dude, what am I going to do? BU got their football program, they're gone. Yeah. And BC, I never was, I like their hockey, but I just was never into the football team. I just was never into it. I never liked the uniforms. I just did that maroon with the gold.

I just never got into it. And they're good every once every 10 years. They did an amazing job. We had some great coaches there, the fucking guy there with the rosacea on his face from the windburn. Oh, Tom Copeland. Yeah, we had him.

When it's not in season, I can't remember anybody's fucking name. But anyways, we got that Mettenberger guy at quarterback and now they're not switching off. He actually looked really fucking solid. They got Cam Cameron now and is the QB coach. Dude, everywhere that guy is going on. Phillip Rivers, Drew Brees and what's his face? Joe Flacco won the Super Bowl last year.

He coached all of those guys. So I feel good about that. They got this new kid, Ego Ferguson. It's great, isn't it? SEC names are the best. What a fucking great name. Anthony Johnson, both those guys were beasts yesterday. And then they're saying that, you know,

the receivers are right, Odell Beckham's are right. That's going to be a good year in the SEC I mean, obviously that's what we're doing here. We're doing spurier ball. If LSU didn't have that one fumble, that blue kid, I don't know whose fault it was, but dropped it right there and just basically gave him seven points.

But TCU actually looked strong. They're a good team. And their fucking uniforms are great. Yeah, it was black on blue. No, it's purple. But why they had that red stripe? No. Because I guess when the horn toad

is the horned frog, when it gets mad and it gets upset, blood comes out of its eyes. Really? Yeah, so that's what that's supposed to be. We got to see one of those in real life. I've never seen one in real life. Are they at zoos? Do they exist? They do. Well, how you do the sign that they have is

it's the Fred Sanford. I got the arthritis hands. I can't work. I can't pick it up. Hey, do you need to check on that? Yeah, let me check on that shoulder. I'll be back. I am not referring to LSU

as my team. I just did that acting gig down there and I got to tell you I actually miss New Orleans. How the fuck you say it? I was there long enough to see the regular people where they live in those fucking awesome houses.

I got to tell you the humidity is for the fucking birds. But I don't know. I really liked it and I actually was getting into the Saints. It was just a fun town. Party town. People like to booze.

I like to booze. People like sports. I like sports. The only thing that was missing was a fucking hockey team. And then I liked the fact that they named that team the Pelicans and everyone was giving them shit including me and they were starting to fucking bond over the fact that nobody liked their name.

And I don't know. I'm down there and I fell in love with the fucking city. Go ahead and sue me. So when Law Heads comes back we're going to talk about our upcoming trip out to Denver. What am I going to talk about now? Is it time to get into the questions?

Oh fuck, 37 minutes in. Let's get into the questions for this week everybody. Syria. General Billy Patton. Here's what's going on in Syria. I love that he starts with that. In other words I kind of fucked up whatever I said was going on last week. So here's the real deal

I guess. Assad is killing his people. Now that's the the Grand Puba who's in charge over there. He's killing his people. Not all of his people. Just the people that don't like him and anybody who's standing near him I think. Anyways equally terrible rebels. Some of whom

are al-Qaeda are now going to be supported by the U.S. military. Now you're probably wondering well why would we support anything that al-Qaeda is doing because it's a money thing. I guess this is Assad isn't doing what we want him to do so we're going to try

and support the fucking the Marlins. Did that work? Did the Marlins suck this year? I have no idea. Anyway estimated up to 1.5 million civilians have been displaced that means homeless I guess. So now we're going to bomb Syria

but also target some of Russia's shit in Syria because they're supporting the Assad guy. What's my call? Well I got to tell you Russia is the 6th and 9th team that nobody wants to play.

I mean how the fuck do I know? I don't know what's going on over there. I don't know who's I look I know that the only reason why we're over there is because of fucking money and something that comes out of the ground other than that we don't give a fuck. Alright we don't we didn't give a shit about

the people in New Orleans. Why would we give a shit about them over there? It's all about fucking I don't know. And whether that is the proper way to do it or if that's an evil way of doing what goes on around the world. I have no idea because I've never sat in a meeting in the Pentagon

so I have no idea what's going to go on over there. I feel bad for all the innocent people sitting there in the crossfire and I feel lucky that I can lay in a bed and do a podcast right now and eat some fucking poor pigs ass. That's all I got for you sir. What's my call? Well it's an uphill battle. I'd have to say

I mean it's a home game for Assad and now that they brought in the Russians I mean well they don't have the greatest record. They well they beat the fucking Germans. That was great. They just backed into their own country and just burned and blew up dams and bridges and all

that shit. They fucking raped their own goddamn country so the Russians would have nothing to fuck. They drew them in and then the winner came and then that was it. They did the old ropa dope before fucking Ali. So you got to give them that one but then they lost in Afghanistan.

That's always a hard thing though. When you got a road game in the game of war that's such a fucking hard one to win because the occupying game because they know eventually you're going to fucking leave. Eventually

you know your soldiers are going to want to go home right. Sit down have a fucking sandwich and get any I don't know find love and get on with their fucking life. So that's I don't know Afghanistan

that's a tough one man. You know what they are. They like the charges in the first round of the playoffs. Just a very very dangerous team so what's my call. I think it's going to cost billions of dollars. It's going to make a couple people a billion dollars and everybody else is just going to

be suffering. That's what I think is going to happen and it's probably going to ruin some of the environment. That's what that's my call more of the same sir and it's just going to breed more hatred and it's not going to solve anything. That's what I think. All right onward and upward towards new levels

of misery. All right grass fed steak they're bill bunches you talked about juicing and all that. Have you switched to grass fed steak switch to what I've been eating at the whole fucking time. I do two juices a day and then I throw down for dinner

right. I eat like a yoga instructor for the first two fucking meals and then I eat like John Wayne so what's better than doing it three times a day. Anyways he said it's amazing it tastes like steak tasted like 15 20 years ago before they started

pumping the cows full of everything. Well I think they've been doing it longer than that. There's a company called grass fed beef company that Rogan talked about and had the owner on his podcast I highly recommend I'll cool I highly recommend the Joe Rogan experience

podcast because it's the exact opposite of this one where I just say shit with no facts behind it borderline makeup stuff he actually oh shitty you got a TV show on about Joe Rogan questions everything

so this is like I do what I do on this podcast is kind of like you know when you had what you thought was a cool teacher and then years later you realized he was completely irresponsible and wasn't doing his job slash maybe trying to fuck one of the students that's what I do

here what Rogan does Rogan actually teaches the class he earns his paycheck alright there you go probably just lost some fucking listeners but you know what every once in a while even I have to tell the truth you know

back to school Mr. Burr do you miss going back to school I miss the social aspects of it I missed if I could have appreciated going like going back to school especially if you're in like a public school that's like going

to a club with no cover charge and every woman in there is single and is in there prime you know as are you all the guys have full heads of hair right all the ladies yeah they're looking good

I mean just to fucking shooting fish in a barrel you don't need no opening lines or anything what's your sign but you know you've been going to school for fucking ever they gotta do hey you know just shoot the shit with them I wish I knew that I did not know that

hence I was a complete failure in that department anyways because I'm 31 and every year around this time I think about how fun it was to go back to school despite the fact that I hated summer ending and didn't want to be in class you knew you didn't have a choice and focused on the good things like which girls are going to come back hot

will there be a new hot girl in school I'm glad I get to see the girl I had a crush on last year but didn't see all summer because I was a nerd and had no balls what do you miss yeah I miss all of that I miss running into my friends because back before you even had a car

like you wouldn't see even most of your friends all summer yeah I missed out on a lot of shit that's like when Star Wars came out and we didn't have you know we only had three channels and we didn't have the ones that the kids watched the UHF stations

and I guess that that's where they advertised it I don't know we were living in a bubble I went outside every day played in the woods played sports went swimming I completely missed out when Star Wars came out came out and when I got back to school in September everybody was talking about it

and I had no idea what anybody was talking about and I just had to kind of like just stand there and then people realized that I wasn't contributing you know I felt like Steve Carell and fucking 40 year old virgin when he's talking about feeling up a girl saying it feels like a bag of

sand you know when he said that like that's what I had nothing and so finally somebody asked me they're like you know Bill did you see Star Wars and I was like

no actually I didn't and then all the little kids oh my god you didn't see it what a fucking losing and that was it and I got trashed I literally got trashed for the rest of recess what's wrong with your parents

and blah blah blah what's wrong with your hearts Jay Lawhead's back everybody we're talking about going back to school here and by we I mean me and my listeners who aren't talking and just saying things that you missed are there any moments that you wish

you could go back to in school to just have that fucking comeback you know when somebody gave you shit or maybe beat the shit out of somebody or maybe fucking ask the girl out the regrets anything that's a good question you know what I my parents always said

one of them always took me to school that was so cool like cause my parents were all the way my dad was my senior government teacher oh my I rolled into high school with my dad every day

ah Jesus but there must have been some girls thought that was cute all the girls thought my dad they like there was a couple girls that had shrines and a guy for his age back then he had the power you know how the guys when you had the power Jay's dad by the way is a Hall of Fame

high school basketball coach great guy you met him but he so he had that power mistake but he was also a sharp looking guy he was a good dresser he's kind of like a Pat Riley Chuck Daly of his era he was a sharp dresser good head of hair

so there was a one girl in my class I won't name her cause if she's listening yeah don't name names I was trying to my dad cause he was a coach so there would be newspaper articles or anything she cut out of like our school paper she opened her locker one day and there was pictures of him from the newspaper

pictures of him coaching pictures of him from the thing seriously it was creepy you know I'm kind of half him yeah I'm like that's gotta be where the hand jobs I'm a 7th of him I hope

but um like it's kind of creepy but I think the one thing is I was held back in the 5th grade this is like kind of a joke I tell cause it's a real trouble maker but the thing was like a little bit of like a trouble maker not doing my work getting in with the wrong crowd type thing

but the joke was it's my mom's no no no I was just like you know like uh you know getting sent to the office a lot being you know sent in the corner I was 5th grade I mean I wasn't doing drugs you know I got held back in 1st grade and my brother

was gonna borderline get held back in 3rd grade and then my dad no my dad just had this one for all all for one kind of thing so he held everybody back and then just felt like boys aren't as mature as girls they should be held back so he held all of us back

yeah that's part of why I was like the maturity level of just being a, I was the youngest and you know what's funny is I still completely fucking screwed up in high school and I actually went back to my parents house a few years ago and you know I was getting the last remaining shit out of there

and my mother doesn't throw anything out and she had some of my rapport cards too I mean just it was fucking ridiculous it was C's D's and we didn't have F's they were called E's I don't know why like the high water mark maybe was a solid

C and it was just D plus D minus D and you're a smart guy I mean that's like interesting no you're a smart guy genius but you're a smart guy from what I know I'm smart in that I know what I'm good at

and what I'm good at is being a loudmouth fucking idiot and somehow thanks to this business I'm able to turn that into a living but if I was in anything else I was always a good I got a good work ethic for my parents but trust me dude

I failed I had a lot of shit a lot of shit I just wanted to have fun dude that's all I wanted to do I didn't want to work I didn't mind working but it had to be fun

that's why I like working in warehouses I like blue collar jobs because there was this thing where you were working but you weren't in this office or this cubicle you weren't in this designated area it switched you had different job sites and everybody was fucking funny my buddy mind he did construction

and I went over to his job site one time and dude they were the funniest motherfuckers and they had like catchphrases and they had this thing what they would do if anybody bitched they would just like someone be like what the fuck is my nail gun I blah blah and you hear somebody all the other side of house just go

it do like this baby thing this wah thing and that's what they would because what they were doing was this unbelievable it was a fucking bitch of a job so what it is you just saw how humor worked because if he starts bitching everybody bitches then you're just doing this job and you got this negative thing

so it was this way because anybody would do it they would start fucking laugh everybody else would start fucking laugh and you'd be 90 degree heat putting a fucking roof on a house just hating your life I lasted ten days doing this shit

before I went back to the warehouses I was fucking working with these guys and we were putting a roof on something like the scaffolding like the supports up drilling holes in and hanging on the side of the house so they could put the board across it so they could do the roof

and I remember next door was this house with a backyard with an in ground pool and these two fucking hot chicks are bringing out shit and these two guys fucking Jersey Shore looking guys laying out and enjoying their fucking summer and I was just sitting there going like

what the fuck is wrong with this picture I remember one point was looking up watching this work and like he was just one of those good looking shredded guys so he didn't have a fucking ounce of guilt not an ounce where I would actually in shame gone back into the house like I don't want to be enjoying the pool

with those guys working like that this guy was just fucking turn the radio louder dude you would have felt like we were making the roof for him he just fucking owned it and I'll tell you that guy he has no regrets from his childhood he crushed everything he was this fucking beautiful guy

that's funny I still remember that and there was this Irish guy Billy you must work quicker you must work quicker and at one point I got mad like dude this is the first time I fucking ever put these up if you want me to go faster and you land on your fucking back I'll do it you know I've never had a real job

that's one of the one thing I've loved about my life so far is I've never had one of those jobs where you just hate every day like you know going into I've always worked in the restaurants so hard like hard labor worked out on the highway crew worked out little construction

the more of a labor I didn't know how to build carry in the ship but those kind of guys you're right those kind of jobs are where you meet really funny people that you know appreciate the things that they get when they get them because they're working their ass off dude you know what do you know one time

like we had a guy who worked and the guy was a total fucking alcoholic like cokehead maniac at 8.30 showed up like 10.30 10.45 and he comes in all bleary-eyed and his fucking hair was soaking wet from a shower

and he just comes walking and he goes all the traffic was his fucking hair was soaking wet dude his eyes look like roadmaps right he's big like it was funny he had like this he was a big guy but he never worked out it was just all calories from his awful life

and he had this limp fish handshake he had skinny arms and skinny legs and just this keg of a chest you know one of those guys just keeps pushing the pants down and tightening the belt so he fucking so we just used to keep giving him shit this is before like being an alcoholic

was considered like a sad disease so I remember we were going to get donuts that day and fucking hilarious we go hey you know Paul you know I can't say I just said his name Paul Paul you want anything from dunkies we're going to Dunkin Donuts you know and back then they had muffins

they had donuts and that type of shit and he just goes and somebody goes how about a donut no good muffin no no I'm good copy and I'm good and then this other guy goes how about a rum cake we all fucking laughed our asses off of the guy long story short he finally ends up getting fired

and he left one of his remember the remember Shackets it was like it was a jacket and a shirt it was basically like a flannel shirt with like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it had the yeah yeah Shackets so he left that thing behind and this one dude you talk about like a funny bastard

and like but really like artistic he took all these empty boxes and made like a giant statue of the guy out of the boxes and he put the jacket on it and he drew these bleary eyes and he put like this mop and thing on top dude we fucking came in even the boss we were

fucking howling at this drunk that we didn't even try to help we just fired it fired the guy sent him out on the street and then we just made that we laughed our asses off and we and we left it up for like fucking like like the shrine it was up for like two weeks and then finally the boss

was just so we were on low on boss boxes you gotta you gotta fucking take that thing down dude we had this other guy I feel bad about this one this guy we hired this guy and the boss thought it would be a good idea to hire somebody that was a little bit older to try to get some sort of fucking maturity

because dude we won't we will we just did all this dumb shit like you didn't care about your job you just did dumb shit and we had like these things that we would do to get through the day I remember there was this guy hey what bit is this thing in and it was and it was 737

and he kept going 737 and the guy what what and he finally jumped off these boxes and did like this karate thing went woah 737 as loud as he could and then one day we just decided we were all gonna scream that at the same time and the door was open from the warehouse

into the suited area where everyone was dressed like Michael J. Fox and out of nowhere and if it was just really quiet summer day the entire warehouse screamed at the top of their lungs just went woah 737 right and I remember

fucking picked it so stew I don't know why we did it picked his fucking head up and his boss immediately came running in and he's going they're yelling they're yelling out here like we were animals like what are they doing and then he got fucking I almost said balled out this is how old this story is

remember that expression he got he got yelled at and then he came out and he had this high pitched voice and he'd be like you know come on you guys you know you're all here blah blah blah and then whenever he would talk we would just do this impression of him back we wouldn't even listen we would just be going

come on come on you guys the trucks and then he would just be frustrated and would walk away shaking his head and just be like bunch of babies just a bunch of babies and we wouldn't listen to any like the level of mad that he had to get because he

oh that's right because he used to substitute he used to be us and then he got promoted there you go and then that was that's what it was like I've also wondered how Bill Russell was able to coach his players even though they all won together and he was the legend he had you know nine rings at that point ten rings

before he got his eleventh like there's just something about like dude you're telling me to run the stairs now give me a fucking break exactly that's where yeah come on alright let me I gotta read one more advertising here my little more Paul Harvey thing here and then I gotta go good day

what do we got here is this it we got a couple here alright ladies and gentlemen e-voice if you're an entrepreneur and a customer calls do you want to seem like you're in a high rise window view fancy pants office or do you want them to know you're sitting

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last but certainly not least legal zoom everybody most americans do not have a will but why? I don't know because they don't have a pot to piss in that's why I don't have a will that's what I would guess but if you do if you do have a pot and it is

filled with piss you don't want government rules dictating what happens to you to your property and your minor children a lot of people have children here we go this is why so why procrastinate most people say it's too expensive my answer is legal zoom dot com

too expensive you're going to love legal zooms responsible prices too time consuming I love these questions most people finish the online process in just 20 minutes and we're not just talking some fill in the blank form your will is a state specific purse and personalized based on your

information best of all legal zoom has 12 years of experience helping people with important legal matters it's national make a will month everybody every month is I get this I've been saying this for three months so don't wait any longer go to legal zoom dot com today and get 15%

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legal zoom can provide self-help services at your specific direction or connect you with attorneys but they are not a legal law firm there we go you know what I think I just read advertising from last month I like how they basically that I mean I like how that basically

like everything in a roundabout way of basically please don't trash my advertisers do it before you do it I wasn't supposed to read legal zoom I messed up so they got a free one in there that's why you know that's why I keep saying it's national make a will month

really well there's always something like I don't know what time I was in Atlanta and it was it was national blueberry pancake day you know from the people who bring you blueberries comes blueberry pancake day it's just like it's like naming a star except there's only 365

all right let's let's move on here where are we in the podcast oh by the way how's the she's looking good did you peak oh yeah I just peed she's looking good there's a little we're right we're right at 275 well I wanted to make sure that the chips were you know needed any we got you know

we're adding you know apple soaked apple chips to this bad boy we're smoking oh what did you start with the apple you started with the apple we're gonna get some hickory in there we're back in it was some hickory yeah don't don't give me the

course light of smoked fucking pig butt no all right need to stop being a nervous cunt this is gonna be the last one here people Billy Redface love the podcast oh speaking of redface the red state tour it got splintered because of the acting work so this but no

but I I'm making up all of them so this week is gonna be boulder and pikes peak on Wednesday and Friday Thursday we have off we're going we're going to the Broncos Ravens game my buddy in Vegas this weekend he wanted

me to ask you he goes to because you know when you under the disguise I'm from Cleveland everybody originally if you haven't known that but the funny thing is when I told my boys this weekend I was going to the Broncos Ravens game they're like what is the guy not like you because you know the Ravens and the Browns

and the Broncos like put it in our heart like nine times but you guys you guys all but nothing but it has nothing to do with that's the actual Cleveland Brown franchise at this point you just hate the Ravens well because they're the Browns yeah originally sure of course yeah we still hate them because of that that's why we hate them and

they're in our division and they the Browns go to the Ravens and win a Super Bowl twice and you know what I mean that's does Ozzy Newsom still work for them? yeah that's the problem he's the only guy that went with Modell and he's been running that team and he had just gotten the job

like we he was an ex player he had just gotten the job as president of football operations when we were in Cleveland they leave town he goes he got two Super Bowls do you know why you guys never get I don't know if you would want the attention because I live through it it sucks you don't

want to be like oh the sports misery capital of the world the reason why you guys don't get the attention is because you're not rivals with New York City I think that that's why we got what we did because it was Yankees Red Sox

and then like you know what it was the Browns get a little bit of that because I don't even consider it a rival anymore the Pittsburgh doesn't even worry about us but the Browns specifically do kind of have that moniker in the NFL kind of realm because of that stealer rivalry and they won

six but you know what's crazy is if you go back and count NFL championships and Super Bowls combined we still have more we have seven NFL championships and I think it's so fucking ridiculous that they don't count NFL championships because the Green Bay Packers are the Yankees of football oh yeah they've won in all

players they had a rough the 70s and 80s were rough for them all right when the Lynn Dickey yeah years but even then they had James Loft he did at one point they had James Lofton and John Jefferson and they had nobody to throw the ball to one of the worst moves a player ever made

John Jefferson said he went from the San Diego Chargers air choreo with Dan Fouts Dan Fouts and he signed for more money to play in frozen fucking Green Bay it wasn't Lynn Dickey at that point I forget who now it's before the magic man

whoever the fuck they had in between they just went through a bad period and he said if I stayed in San Diego Jerry Rice would be breaking all my records and I'm telling you he wasn't lying no no doubt

he was unreal him and I remember Wes Chandler in that strike here where the Redskins won it he fucking still had over a thousand yards that's how much they were throwing it those guys only played like twelve games didn't they less than that dude they played like

eight or nine I want to say the Redskins were like eight and one that year yeah because the scrubs played like four of them right or whatever they call them oh is that that year the scabs scabs I find fascinating it's just how like certain

teams just they get new coaches they get new owners blah blah blah but they just still there's this thing where they just like the giants will always just have a great defense the Bears always have a good defense but for the life of them the Bears

have never had a superstar quarterback ever even Jim McMahon Jim McMahon was a personality he was like he was like the down town Julie Brown of quarterbacks right like more like a socialite I would put him he couldn't jump he couldn't carry you on his back in a fourth

quarter like an L way or a Montana he wasn't that kind of a not they've never had that Cleveland Otto Graham maybe was your last superstar Bernie was tough man Bernie Kosar okay yeah but yeah really I mean we had Frank Ryan a lot of people for Brian site people forget Frank Ryan Brian site one and

MVP in 81 almost wanted to get an 82 Frank Ryan was great Frank Ryan I believe through Brian site Rick Springfield same guy telling you same guy one in my head when I think of him Frank Ryan though a lot of people don't realize

I think Frank Ryan has the greatest winning percentage of any starting quarterback in the history of the NFL he came after Otto Graham but he was winning Paul Brown they were still winning titles like just winning titles left and right all the time we had Bill Belichick for one year last time we won a playoff game

the last time we won a game we beat the New England Patriots and Bill Belichick was our coach yeah the last time 94 I was at that game wild card game in Cleveland stadium the last time we have won a playoff we beat hey who do you like who do you like

what do you think Peyton Manning Wes Welker I love that man two wildly veterans that's like stable I think we're going to see of like a 45 38 or Thursday night you think so yeah they can put it up all the more is going to put up some points this year they're going to have to because that defense ain't

going to be as good as it used to be we're going to see a ballgame yeah but it's not that good you think he can put up numbers like that I'm not saying he's not a good quarterback because I think he's a good I didn't believe in him forever and I was wrong that playoff run man I think that playoff run showed it but is he like he's going to go

fucking touchdown for touchdown against Manning well I mean maybe not all season long but in this game you know what's funny about Manning is like everybody was looking at him like he's a little fragile China doll and now that he made the season he's nobody's even thinking about it like he keep one hit they were showing

his spinal cord this guy could never walk again and now nobody's nobody's talking about it some of them are predicting him to win the MVP award this year longest neck since merton hanks merton hanks is another good one Steve grogan had to wear like two neck braces

just to pile them up yeah well they have they have all that flesh between the shoulder pad and the helmet yeah like two or three of them just stacked on top of each other we'll see yeah I think they're going to have they're going to oh this is my prediction on Tim Tebow Tim Tebow is going to get cut and he's

going to go to the CFL he's going to become a superstar up there like Doug Flutey did and he's going to come back the end of his career either with Buffalo with the Bears really that's my prediction you think he's going to the CFL CFL yes sir you heard it here tonight on Monday Morning Podcast yeah he'll be able to and be able to run around because

that feels like a hundred yards in both directions right or meters whatever the fuck they say it's 110 long and I think 60 wide see see what I'm saying just when you guys thought I was a sports fan this is why I go to him he fucking knows everything all right need to stop being a nervous cunt Billy Redface

love the podcast as soon as I have a need for any of the services that advertise in your show I'll make sure I go there so thank you this may not rate Jesus get to the fucking point I'm dying a slow death working a day job that isn't fun anymore

the money's great I'm 32 and make a mid-six figure salary but like you I'm not really motivated by more money I would much rather okay I dream on a daily basis he wrote that all like capital letters about doing comedy full-time all right J this guy's making mid-six

figures he's 32 years old I'll trade you you can have I got 45 minutes you can take it right now give me the mid-six figures I'm gone stand up improv sketch performing writing producing I'd love to do it all

I'd love to do it all all the time but the flip side of not being motivated by more money is being motivated by the fear of not having enough see I'm a nervous cunt as you would say once you're making mid-six figures and you're 32 years old you're not nervous

you're also kind of rational okay you like that's why you try and start as young as you can because you're stepping off a curb rather than a fucking three-story building at this point that you own and have confidence in I didn't start till I was 31

yeah no no no absolutely and what's his face retired Dangerfield and he came back I'm not discouraging the guy I'm just saying that he's not but I wasn't making mid-six figures I don't think I would have jumped off the curve for that right but he's look he's not nervous that's what I'm

saying he's thinking rationally so anyways he goes see I'm a nervous cunt as you would say with the New Jersey mortgage aka the land of high taxes bills and a three-year-old daughter I can't bring myself to cut and run from the corporate country I work in my wife and I have no debt other than the mortgage do that's

great that's great man and we generally live below our income level that's also great those are two things you need to do which people don't do anymore in the country you really need to do that man but I don't think we live at or below the income that we'd have if I stopped killing

myself on a daily basis by commuting to a fucking computer instead of commuting to a couch with a laptop and a giant cup of coffee just to work on comedy ship I love shit I love how he's romanticizing being a comedian although he's kind of right it's more coming out

your pajamas with a hangover trying to figure out how to get that fucking whatever you picked up that night out of your hotel room and then going downstairs and having a greasy breakfast to fucking anyways I have no frame of reference to know how much money could

be made or how long it would take to make it and I'm scared shitless that I don't have the talent or the balls or both to actually get paid to make people laugh in spite of believing in buh buh buh alright my friends tell me to practice practice comedy shit dude I can get right to the end of this

alright this is what you gotta do you do both don't quit your fucking job this is what you do write five minutes of material and go sign up for an open mic and try stand up comedy okay that way if you go up and you eat your

fucking balls and you hated it and it was humiliating and you don't ever want to do it again you're not going to be sitting at your cubicle going what if you're going to be like no I tried it I bombed and I didn't like it now if you go down there and you go up and

even if you bomb but you still like it you know which is a major fucking sign if you bomb and you still like I want to come back then just keep coming back and keep doing that and just balancing it out and I but I you need to have

a major talk with your wife and just say listen this is going to kill me if I never try this I but I promise to you I promise you that there's going to be no let down me as a husband or a father here but there will be you know a couple of nights a month at first just

to see I just have to know okay and then if she goes while you're making mid six figures and blah blah blah blah blah that's when you start pointing out all the morons that you listen to on podcasts that are making fucking money

in this business okay and I'm telling you dude if I can do it anybody can fucking find a place well not anybody you know what I mean if you have any sort of fucking talent you can do it Jay I've watched you I've watched you I'd like to say real quick before you say that because he's mentioned money a couple times

he's like and then I don't know I don't have any frame of reference about how much money I could make if I could make any or the one thing is you can't I don't think you can worry about that going into it because you know you see them every day in the clubs in LA and everywhere else

within five or seven years you could be a millionaire and then you know what five or seven years after that nobody wants to work you I mean because it's a it's a it's a but then but then that all goes down to what he was talking about and it goes goes all down to that living within your means paying down your house not carrying credit card debt

like dude I these fucking people doesn't mean that you can be smart doing that and then still not make it nine five years after you were making a million you know what I mean in this business in this business but there's people in the NFL in the NBA and in show business with their own TV

shows living paycheck to paycheck because they're doing the exact same fucking thing that you do just at a much grander scale and everybody goes fuck could you fuck that up and you know most people saying that are doing it at that level now it's look if you if you're not

making any fucking money I get living paycheck to paycheck but if you know you don't need that extra pair of sneakers you don't need another flat screen TV you don't even need a fucking TV there's ways you got to get out in front of it if when you're young you got to start building up a fucking nest egg

and you got to get on the internet read some books figure out how fucking evil the game is so you at least know how it's played so you can like take on as little water as you can and you can fucking stay afloat because because

you know there's a lot of people want to do other things and they just got a ball and chain around their fucking neck and financially and they just got themselves in this thing so if you're in that situation just immediately start fucking dude I would have a yard sale and just start selling shit

down size in my life and if I had to take two years off from fucking living the American dream and just paying myself down and getting out of that fucking debt I would do it and I would start over again because that shit will fucking keep you up at night and I mean this guy talks like he's like

you know he is getting money and everything but what I'm saying is like just be aware of the idea of the money of it isn't why because you got it you got it making mid six figures and what he's doing 95% of the times you can't go backwards usually what probably what he does

for a living at once he hits 150 year the next step is 165 to 200 year that's not the formula in stand-up comedy you can make 150 to 2 years in a row and guess what by year 4 you're making 45 no but this is the great thing about stand-up comedy though or you can make 2 million

no but what's great about stand-up comedy though is you're never unemployed you're never unemployed you're never employed unless you want to unless your ego gets in the way where like say you know you was selling selling out clubs

you know so you're just coming in doing Thursday through Saturday I'm not doing the Sunday show if it starts to taper off and they want you to do the Sunday show and you refuse to do it you start doing that shit rather than being like I got to get it going again then then you can get yourself in fucking trouble but like you know I don't know how actors

do it I don't know how musicians do it that shit's fucking hard but being a stand-up comic when you start you know you've established yourself you've made a name for yourself if you never take your foot off the gas pedal and you just keep pushing yourself and you keep doing that like

you can have the closest thing to job security but even in his world dude like they could downsize they could fucking kick him out and then he's at that weird age so dude this is my advice don't quit your job but I would definitely just start doing it and there's nothing wrong if you

end up because you like doing it or you start a sketch group with your friends and just have fun and don't listen to any other comedians who are saying like you're taking my stage time it isn't their stage time it's an art it doesn't belong to anybody it's supposed to make you happy

and other people happy when you do it so that's what I would do alright so good luck to you sir you're not a nervous cunt you're a fucking normal human being stop being hard on yourself so there you go there's a podcast for this week me and Jason Lawhead we're going to be at the boulder theater

I believe that's the name of it I can't even wait to say that word when I get there that's like a voice over's dream is boulder that can go from like a beer commercial all the way to like a murder mystery show like in that quiet town of boulder it was murder or you could be like

you know the Rockies the cold water boulder you ever watch that shit when they sit there and murder mystery shows that guy just goes it was a quiet town that's my dream job

the gazebo but the underbelly I want to do that every day but on that quiet night the town did a murder I thought that stopped dude this wasn't supposed to happen in this town a town where they keep the doors unlocked at night

yeah you knew your neighbor people sat on porches drinking new tulip boulder's the perfect name for that's a voice over's dream boulder colorado september 4th pikes peak center

colorado springs on the 6th look for me and jason where we're going to be looking for a tailgate if you guys have any information if you throw it down and you do it right and you got some extra brisket or something and I'll be cheering for the Broncos because all the years I cheered against them when they were playing the actual browns

I'll be cheering for my division and I will definitely be cheering for the Broncos because I've been so mean to Peyton Manning over the years and now you get that thing where you're getting sentimental because he's in the final third and then you don't that's like Dr. J. I didn't hate him as much magic

same with me with Michael I hated Jordan because he killed us and as he got older I'm like I'm gonna miss that guy yeah I'm gonna see that guy that'll never happen with LeBron dude if LeBron no going to the Lakers oh it was a joke over there

dude if he goes to the Lakers and that championship is celebrated then you know what they should do they should literally have the pregame for that should literally be like eighth graders playing first graders in tackle football and then doing

long fucking interviews with the eighth graders when they won talking about coming together as a team and all that type of shit like who go to the Lakers when wear some stupid number like 49 or something you know what I mean it'll be just the worst

it's what sports is becoming and you know what I saw some more on was trying to say that Pylon teams are not a new thing it was so dumb he's trying to sit there saying like talking about like those Laker teams in the 80s and Celtics like dude those teams were built

built yeah through trades and drafts like Magic and James Worthy sat on a yacht during the off season going hey man wouldn't it be great if we all played in the same team fucking moron this guy had the top 10 sports myths and he tried to say that that was his

but Pylon teams were sports myth it wasn't and go back and look at the teams that didn't win it in those areas that were built I watched NBA Hardwood classics a couple weeks ago they had the 1985 All-Star game on the Milwaukee Bucks had four guys on the Eastern All-Stars they won seven straight 50

win seasons all built through the draft and trades and this is what the guy was saying though his justification that they were Pylon teams despite the fact nobody piled on was that in the in the 80s the Lakers, the Celtics, the Sixers and the Pistons were the only ones who won championships

everybody else was without he goes so it was it was good for the league and that's a complete bullshit because what they didn't realize was that despite the fact that the Bucks never came through they had Sidney Moncrief Jack Sigma, Terry Cummings, Paul Pressey

Jack Sigma was on the Sonic before but no he came to the Bucks in the mid 80s, Sonic he was in he was the he came to the Bucks Back then, back then you had blockbuster trades like when Moses Malone went to the Sixers

there would be an occasion where Karim went to the Lakers but there wasn't like like what happened in Boston overnight we went from the worst team in the league to winning the championship and we fucking go we got Kevin Garnett for nothing

from Kevin McHale that should have been investigated the same way the way the Lakers got Paul Gasol and Jerry Jerry West was with fucking was that who it was was with the fucking yeah, Grizzlies both those trades were complete

behind enemy lines bullshit and then we got Ray Allen that's why I wasn't upset when Ray went to Miami I was like well dude that's how we got him he wasn't ours he wasn't a Celtic I still look at him like he's one of the great the greats that played for the organization but it's a different

thing where he was like you become like a mercenary like they just they're bringing you in a couple weeks ago LeBron had there was this big news that he tweeted this is gonna add another hour to the podcast a couple weeks ago LeBron had this big news where he tweeted out his top three players

all the time some big publication tweeted at him like hey LeBron you've never talked about that so everybody's on the edge of their seat so he named and I'm not gonna be mad at the list in a way because it's hard it's so subjective three players really he said Larry Bird which I thought that was pretty cool

Bird's the greatest small forward in the history of the game I don't know if I'd put him on the greatest three list he said Michael Jordan yeah that's great that's easy and Dr. J I love Dr. J that's great maybe that's he's not I tweet back to him I go really can't how do you leave Kareem

off the list I go to guy one six titles one of which in Milwaukee to boot I go that's kind of like a guy winning one in Cleveland wow that'd be like if somebody won one in Cleveland is what I said I said he won one in Milwaukee

to boot how many have they won since that'd be like somebody winning one in Cleveland that's what I tweeted at him Jesus cross very clever way of saying thanks for leaving buddy exactly so I like Dr. J because this is why because big thing with me is

changing the game yes and that's fine and I'm fine with that I'm not mad at his list I'm just saying how do you leave Kareem off Kareem changed it well that's the thing if I only had basketball because of Kareem if I only had three I would have to pick three guys who changed the game so it would be Jordan

it would be Dr. J and then I would have to be somebody else from the 60's like Russell I mean I mean you could Oscar was it Oscar Robinson who scored all the points yeah Oscar was great I mean people don't realize how great Bob Pettit was I mean Bob Pettit was a

I know that there's somebody from that era because that's one of those things with like stand up where you had like like what Lenny Bruce did first of all you had the vaudeville guys whoever the first guys to do that then you have what Lenny Bruce did then you had what Pryor did

because the genius is at such a level that it's you can't surpass it they almost take it to the end I would say like James Brown James Brown the music that he made there's been a zillion funk bands

after him but nobody ever took it to another level and I still think Jabbar I don't know how you can leave Jabbar off any list he changed the game he changed it he won six titles magic never won one without an oldest player ever to win how did he change the game he changed the game but well first off they outlawed dunking

right but they did that with Will Chamberlain in the NBA too though no because of uh well here's how he changed the game both ends of the floor he was Russell Russell couldn't do what Jabbar did on the offensive end you can say Will Chamberlain yeah he was dominant

but because they moved Jabbar away from the basket Chamberlain couldn't do anything away from the basket Jabbar developed the sky hook from 20 feet out and he was he was Russell on both ends of the court and Russell couldn't play offensively like Jabbar could it's not even close

Jabbar the fact that he won oldest man ever to win a finals MVP award the guy won the NBA he won the NBA finals MVP at 38 I mean come on man dude I'm not arguing with you I just like Karen like seriously dude what's the name of your podcast by the way

Law Heads Court yeah if you want to listen to a guy who really knows sports I'm going to be in person calling in tomorrow former Oriole Brady Anderson first guy first guy to hit 50 so it should be an interesting conversation I met Brady at the Hollywood Improv a few weeks ago got him in

you remember Dan Godfrey from Irvine Improv so I'm ducking in there a couple weeks ago because I hear a tell's in town so I was over at the house store so I duck in I wanted to see David Tell set well the place is packed quick story there's a line and you know the door guy

I'm just squeezing by going like I'm going to go to the bar and try to peek my head in to see a tell and there's this girl like arguing with the door guy she's like my friends are in there he's like I can't let you in it's full and I look over as I'm like squeaking by I look and she's with Brady Anderson I can pick out an athlete

he ended his career as an Indian and I met him in Cleveland one time just down in the flats after a game he was a cool guy so what'd you do? so I was like so she's arguing so I was just like hey man how you doing and then she goes she sees it she's like do you know anybody here?

I'm like well I'm a comic but I'm not working and she's like can you help us get in and I'm like I don't know and I just Dan Godfrey is now district manager so did you get him in? I just got to end the podcast too got him in

he gives me his phone number he's like anytime you want tickets thanks for getting me in dude he gives me his phone number it'll be this Thursday Brady Anderson alright on Law Heads Court look for it Jason Law everybody got to go check that pork shoulder

Rose Bowl tailgate legend Jay Lawhead just tripped over a box there goes the legend part alright guys thanks for listening have a happy Labor Day go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week oh wait what am I doing

I got to do the wrap up here are you still there I'm a fucking idiot I'm a fucking idiot where is it are you serious you know I'm actually glad half the people shut this fucking thing off

this is just extra time at this point you know I had a nice build up I had a nice ending now the page isn't going to load alright live reads where's the wrap up the wrap up oh it's on the other thing right

oh Jesus oh Jesus here we go here we go the wrap up okay here we go hey everybody now that the show is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus

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that's huluplus.com have a great holiday weekend I'll talk to you guys next week download the mydelesse app and cook me the lesse