Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-2-19

Episode Date: September 2, 2019

Bill rambles about money, the South, and parenting.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, September 2, 2019. Happy fucking Labor Day! Now why is he fucking wires all twisted up again? Why don't I untwist him before I start the fucking podcast? Nah, never make your life easy, Bill. That's not what you like to do. You got too much fucking Irish blood in you. So what do you do? You fucking leave. Goddamn fucking thing. All right. Is that better? Is that better? Untwisty, untwisty. Sorry. Happy Labor Day to everybody out there that's actually got a fucking job and ate lemon off of Uncle Sam. You know what I think? I think on Labor Day, everybody with a job ought to get the day off and anybody laying

around like these fucking homeless people ought to be sent to work. Stick that stinky motherfucker underneath the bench, stick him in one of them fucking UPS stores so I can mail out a thank you card for the 12-pack of fucking packed blue ribbon that was sent to me by my other brother who has a fucking job. That's the problem with these fucking liberals. Labor Day weekend, they let everybody celebrate it. You should prove that you're gainfully fucking employed before you have one sip of Miller like this weekend. How do you prove it? All you do is take off your fucking shades and people look into your eye and they see that laughless look and they see your dream that died in the middle of

that fucking big sorrowful swimming pool of shit that you call a pupil. Then they'll be like, this man's a working man. I gotta admit, man, you know, every once in a while I do see a homeless person and I'm tired and I just see them laying on the sidewalk sleeping and you start thinking like, you know, I'd fucking love to be doing that right now. I wouldn't want to be homeless, but I would just I would love to just fucking lay down and take a nap right now. And that guy's doing it. He's living his best life. What are you guys doing for Labor Day weekend? I imagine you're doing it right now, huh? Having a good time? Then you got a short week. Then you got a short week and I believe NFL football

will start next week. College football started this weekend with the college football kick off Dallas Cowboys Stadium and it was a barn burner. The Alabama Crimson Tide versus the Duke Blue Devils. I know when they started the broadcast, the guy, oh, we've been waiting a long time for this one. What he meant was for college football to start. He wasn't saying, you know, as much as I enjoyed the past 150 years, whatever the fuck it is, 100 years of fucking college football, the one thing that has been missing is I just wish Duke would have Alabama on their football schedule so we could finally settle the argument of who is better. I will say though, Duke played the first quarter, forced that fumble. They

were playing great. And I know a lot of people you should have gone should kick the field, go, why don't you kick the field, go get good points, get on the board. That's what I thought too. I thought they should have done that too. Just to even just say you at one point you were up three to nothing like the New England Patriots when we played the 85 Bears. Tony Franklin came in, right? Kick that field, go. We were up three to nothing. I told that story in the Edelman thing, which I still haven't even seen because I don't have Showtime's fucking frequent flyer, whatever fucking streaming service. My wife, let me tell my wife, she's hilarious. She tells, Oh yeah, we have all of that stuff. We have

Amazon, who Showtime. I'm like, all right, great. And then I go to sit down. I wanted to watch Jim Gaffigan special on Amazon. We didn't have that Amazon pride. Right. And then, and then we didn't have the show type thing. So I have to add that to my packages. You know, so I can be, I want to be the person in America paying the most for his fucking direct TV. Because I know all you kids now, you just stream everything. I'm old school. If I want to channel, I call up the cable company and I order it. I think I pay about $965 a month in cable fees. Actually, who the fuck was saying red band was saying he was going to come over my house and fucking figure out everything I was doing wrong and

get me down to about $38 a month. And I said, that would be great. And that was the last time we ever spoke. No, I gotta get him to come over here and figure that shit out. Anyway, congratulations to Alabama starting. I don't understand. Why was that the kickoff classic? Why didn't you make it Auburn, Oregon? Like every year they have a, you know, so they're not all cupcake games. They have one game where it's two ranked people coming out of the gate. Now, why doesn't Jerry Jones get that fucking game? I'll tell you why. Cause he's a Southerner and Alabama's just a little bit further south than Duke and Duke has that northern vibe to him. You know, they're smart. They brush their teeth, you know, making a

40 haircut. I mean, that just screams, you know, north of the Mason Dickson line. All right. You get those country folks with that wild look in their eye. Like I can't imagine, you know, we should get a fucking award. It's the hair and makeup people on the farmers only commercial. I don't know how long they had to go in there and get all the fucking, you know, just scrub those fucking people down. And I know this is coming off as elitist, blue state liberal elite, elitism, but I've, I've been to all the states. I've been to most of the cities. I've seen the people white people in the South are filthy. Okay. If I was running shit, instead of building a wall, I'd take that money and I'd build a giant

bathtub. And I would, I would say that we got a free smoker to the first 5 million people that show up. And when they show, everybody shows up, you just, you just push them in the tub before they get out. They're all scrubbed up and clean. I'm fucking with you. Alabama, the people brush their teeth there too. I just like, I just like being a dick. Anyway, anyway, I have been doing some shit, but only fun shit this weekend for my Labor Day weekend. I am working on my standup act. Last night had a great night. I went buddy of mine and myself went over to the rainbow room, classic rocker club from the 1980s. And they had all of these bands from the 1980s and they had all of these bands from the 1980s

playing in the parking lot out behind the, the fuck is that place called next door? I always forget the name of that place. Legendary place. I forget the name of it. What is it? The Anvil? It's always something heavy, right? I don't know what it was, but they had a stage out back and they had all of these fucking people. And I swear to God, as great as the bands were, I think the people watching was even better. I think the people watching was even better. I went there and I felt like I was at my first concert again, except they took that aging app, you know, that they do on social media and just aged everybody 30 years or 33 years. So that's the last of them. I was my first concert, 86. And people

still dressed up, people still with long hair and shit. It was just, it was fucking great. I just sat there with me and my buddy, big smiles on our faces, listening to the music, watching all the people, the whole fucking scene. At one point someone was just like, who was there back in the day here on Sunset? Let me see your hands. You know, like fucking like 30 people put their hands up and they're still there. Flying the flag of metal, man. It was great. And the thing that I've always loved about the era of music, make fun of it if you want. I don't give a fuck. They could fucking play and they could sing. It wasn't this auto tune, horse shit and all that. I'm going to sound like your grandfather here,

but I'm telling you, they could find, they can still fucking play. And Adler's appetite closed it out. So I got to see Steven Adler play live again, one of my favorite drummers of all time. And he fucking killed it. And he was working the crowd. It was awesome. It was fucking awesome. And me and my buddy just had a great time. And then afterwards, we rode over to the, we're over to the comedy store. I jumped on, did a quick set. And I'm going to try to get out somewhere this week and try to do a full hour somewhere here in LA. And just before I get out there and I go do my show out in Las Vegas, which I'm really looking forward to getting back out there. And then my special comes out September 10th.

So today is the second, a week from today is the ninth. That means a week from tomorrow is when my special comes out. So old freckles better start writing. No, I got my new, I got a new hour of shit that, that I can say that is different from everything that I've done on my special, which I'm really happy about because, you know, I did all that act and work this summer. So I was worried about that, but I was in New York city. So I got plenty of stage time. So I think I'm ready to go. And with that, sort of some, you know, sad week condolences to Franco Colombo, one of the great bodybuilders of all time, one of the great physical therapists, I actually went to him a couple of times through the person

that was helping me out with my shoulder and my sciatic issues and my masseuse, who's a fucking Jedi was saying, was like in awe of Franco's abilities saying, she always had the light. She asked to touch you to figure out what's wrong and how Franco could just look at you and knew what was wrong. And she would always shake her head about his abilities. And I went over there and I was talking to him about how my shoulder was messed up. And for some reason he was just sitting there listening to me and I was presenting theories as to why I thought my shoulder got fucked up. And he just sat there with this half a smile on his face, waited for me to finish and then told me exactly what the fuck

was wrong with me, gave me this stretch for my pecs, which I kind of stopped doing, but immensely helped me. And then I've been in then, of course, I fixed my right shoulder then now my left shoulder's got fucked up in the process. So I've been doing his exercises that he taught me and now my left shoulder's getting to where I need it to be. But I only met him a couple of times, but I watched him for years. Rest in peace to the great Franco Colombo and also F2 driver Anthony Hubert, I hope I said his name right, was killed over the weekend, crashed on the track. And then Kevin Hart, the great Kevin Hart, well wishes, speedy recovery. I should have said he was all right in case you didn't hear the story.

I've got no car accident. I don't think he was driving either. So I wish him a speedy recovery. All right, there we go. There we go. Jesus, not the bum you out on Labor Day weekend. And what are you guys doing? You got the big green egg going? You got your butcher block meats. Look at me, product placement. Although the big green egg has never fucking, the big green egg is never advertised here on the big red douche show. Very surprising to me. My big green egg, if fucking Geraldo Rivera saw it, he'd make a special about it to see what was inside of it. How long it's been since I cooked on it. I just been so fucking busy. It kills me. I got to get that thing cranking up again. Because as you know, the

summer is not over. Okay, the summer officially ends September 23rd. I don't give a fuck what nerd said over there in Amsterdam. Okay, when I look up on the internet, when is summer over? It says fucking September 23rd. So I'm sticking with that rather than some random fucking tall skinny white dude. Fucking the Netherlands telling me what's going on. In with this fucking horseshit. Coriola Coriola's effect, whatever the hell he was talking about. So anyway, still have not smoked a cigar. Jesus Christ. It's not one thing, it's another. So I laid off the cigars. You know, and now I'm fucking eating M&Ms. It's unreal. Like, am I the only one going through this shit? Like at the end of the day, something's got to get me

ramped up. I tried fucking reading. Tried it. It just, you know, that's what I need to go back to. Reading. I got to go back to being Flanders. You know, I do have some reading to do. Actually, old Freckles is going for his instrument rating on his pilot's license here. A couple of lessons in and I'm having a great time with that. God knows how long that took me a fucking year to get my private license. How busy I am. So I'm working my way through that shit and having a great time doing that. I actually bought this flight simulator program from my computer and then like a little, it only sounded like the airplane yoke, you know? So I got that with the throttle. So I've been practicing. I did my first precision landing the other day on the computer.

It's pretty fucking wild. It's pretty fucking wild, but something I've been wanting to do for a long time when that guy crashed and killed himself there in New York. Basically, it was right diagonally across the street from where I was staying the entire summer. And I was home when he hit the fucking building. I think I was just walking out of the apartment. I didn't even hear it. And then when we came down, we got in the Uber, there was a bunch of people running out into the streets and allegedly this poor person got themselves involved in, you know, they were trying to beat the weather or something. And I don't know what happened, but there was nothing left of the helicopter and scared the shit out of me. And I was like, all right, I have to kind of face the, and this all goes back to me

just fucking flunking everything in school thinking that, oh, then I'm going to flunk this thing. It's like, oh, wait a minute. I actually like this subject and I find it interesting as opposed to that other shit. Was there anything worse than going into a class on a subject that just didn't interest you? And then the most uninteresting monotone person ever would just come in. Welcome class, welcome to ancient medieval history. Over the next 16 weeks, we're going to explore the wonderful world of the fucking whatever, the Mayans. You know, those fucking people who think the Mayans talk to aliens and shit and like, but they don't talk about that when they bring up the Mayans. They don't go into the fun shit that, hey, maybe these guys came here on a spaceship. You know, they just stick

with facts, the boring fucking facts, Mesoteponia, whatever the fuck it is. You know, it's like, please talk about Pompeii, the fucking Mount Vesuvius and the eruption or some shit. Is that over there? I don't know what the fuck it is all in. Oh my God, ancient medieval history, but I actually had a good ancient medieval history teacher who was also our football coach in fucking high school. And I remember he yelled at this kid in the front row because he fucking, he was sick and he was just coughing the whole fucking class. And then finally he just goes, he goes, you fucking sit in the back. Jesus Christ, even if you're going to come to stay home if you're sick. I'll never forget it because he had his podium right in the middle of the class. It was like, like there was so many deaths that he didn't have a lot of

room in the front of the class. So his fucking podium where he was standing was basically nose to nose with this kid in the front row coughing his fucking brains out. He made him stand up and go all the way to the back. And it was completely warranted. Nowadays, someone would have filmed that on their cell phone and he would have been like sick shaming him. He would have got suspended or got transferred and he fucking would have had to sell his house. And then there'd be one person going, well, hey man, if you are sick, maybe you could at least wear a mask and then, you know, all the liberals. You're part of the problem. And they try to fucking erase him for whatever fucking reason, whatever fucking reason they do that shit for. So anyway, wait, is this thing fucking on still? What am I doing? It is on, right? All right,

it's on. It's just the screen always goes off now. All right, I got a couple, I got a new date that I am going to be presenting, presenting that I'm going to be announcing here. All right, Washington, D.C. October 5th at the MGM National Habba Pre-sale goes on tomorrow, Tuesday at 11 a.m. Pre-sale code is burr and the link is on billburr.com or search Ticketmaster on sale to the general public this Friday, September 6th at 10 a.m. And it's really weird because I'm going to be performing there on October 5th and then on October 6th, the New England Patriots are right down the street playing the fucking Washington Redskins. How weird is that? It's almost like I planned it so I could go to the fucking game. Yeah, going to the game with a bunch of my knucklehead friends from high school. We're starting to do that.

We're doing like one road trip a year and yeah, should be a good time. Although I'm a little worried that we're going to be at Jinx here because back in the last time we all went to a game is when we had season tickets in like 1989, you know, when we had the little fucking Paul Revere was on the side. You know, that's back when the NFL was crazy, you know, you had like Paul Revere. We still have the Redskins, right? That'd be, oh my God, that'd be a bad game. That'd get a lot of shit. This 2019, if we had some white colonial dude on the side and everybody, why isn't it Christmas addict? He's the one who died first in the Fire Revolutionary War. Why don't you have him on there, right? And then, you know, the Redskins. I think the Redskins are fine. They just keep riding on like, no, we're not changing it. We're not changing

it. And you've just heard it your whole life. So it just seems fine. My only thing is if they actually changed the name, please don't go back to those awful helmets they had briefly. What do they have? They have like an arrow with like some fucking fig trees on the side of it. Let me see this fucking thing. Redskins alternative helmet. No, not that one. That just has a big R on it. Not that. I'd say early 70s. Redskins vintage helmet. Who the fuck was your quarterback then? Oh, there it is. Yeah, they had a spear with a fucking that actually doesn't look bad. That's actually kind of cool if it's the dark maroon thing. Who knows? Who knows? I'm going to be going to that game and I'm assuming we're going to win only because the Redskins, I don't know what happened. They can't seem to fucking get it going. They can't turn it around like

Ferrari in Formula One. Can't seem to turn it around. I've been talking all this shit and bam! They fucking Charles Leclerc won this week. I missed it. I actually was excited to turn it on and for some reason all I got was the time trials, but I had the previous race that was in Hungary. So I watched that one where Max Verstappen was leading the whole race and then Lewis Hamilton fucking pitted, changed fucking tires and then they, I don't think we had a seven. I'm going to say we. That's how much I root against Lewis Hamilton. Not because I don't like the guy. It's just, it's the same way I became a college football fan. I can't root for Alabama. You know, I'm like, I'm a Formula One fan. Who's your favorite driver? Lewis Hamilton. Oh, you mean the guy who wins all the time? I gotta root against, you know, gotta go for an underdog. So in Lewis Hamilton, like he catches up with Verstappen,

but he can't, he can't pass him. Both of them are on their first set of tires, so they both haven't even wear on them. So Mercedes, as always, makes the right move. They have Lewis surprisingly goes into the pit, right? Puts on a new pair of tires and in that moment, Max is still driving, opens up like a over 17 second lead, which is enough time to come back around the track pit and then he gets new fucking tires and they don't do it. So Max has a 17 second lead, but he has, there's like 40 fucking laps left or 30 something laps left. Next thing you know, it's a 16 second lap lead, then it's 15, then it's 14. Get in the pits! 12, 11, 10, and then by then his fucking tires were chewed up and Hamilton was picking up like fucking a second on just like the back stretch. It was inevitable. It was like watching Jaws and seeing a character in the movie that doesn't even have a name,

so you know they're going to die trying to swim back to the boat that they just fell back on and they're fucking playing the John Williams music. But he fucking comes and he just passes them and then that's it. Then they pit. Then they pit because they got a 54 second lead on the fucking Ferraris, so they at least, you know, hold on to second place. But I got to somehow get a, maybe go to the website or something. I have to watch this last race because it's always exciting. The most exciting thing in Formula One is after turn one, Lewis Hamilton is not in first place because then you're going to see some racing. But if he's in first place, as I've said, you know, but it's not Mercedes fault. It's not their fault that fucking, I don't know. I just, whatever Ferrari did this past week, if they could do that 50% of the fucking time, Formula One would be the shit. It still is the shit. I'm just bitching. You know, you want to see competition. That's all. That's all there is.

So anyway, I did get a chance to watch that and I guess next week is the next MotoGP race, which if you want to just see racing on a whole other level, I know I've been selling this shit out of this sport. Just fucking sign up on their website. You can watch all the races all this year. Every last fucking one of them get all caught up and even though with the Vizio so crashing on that last one wasn't even his fault, kind of solidified it for Marc Marquez, it's still going to be some great racing for the rest of the year. All right. And with that, let's read some advertising here. Let's read some advertising. All right. Manscaped. All right. Support for the Monday morning podcast comes from Manscaped. Wait, did I say everything I was supposed to say up here? Hang on a second. I was supposed to give you the email. Oh, please remind the listeners. The podcast email is billatthemmpodcast.com.

And by the way, we sent out our first, we sent out our first batches of supplies to the teachers that wrote in. So there you go. I did something. So that gives me the right to complain about every ill in society now. Because for one day I took the time to buy some paper and pens for a teacher. All right. Manscaped. Support for the Monday morning podcast comes from Manscaped, who is number one in men's below the belt grooming. Manscaped offers precision engineered tools for manscaping with the right tool for the job. Talk about the fear of nicking your ballsack while manscaping. I need to talk about this like anybody doesn't know that feeling. You know, you don't want to get a little risqué and you take the guide off. You know, and of course that's the night you lady wants to lick your balls. It happens every time you wanted to do it.

Nick your balls with your clipper. Now it's all over. Thanks to Manscaped emphasizing the perfect package 2.0 kit that features the Lawn Mower 2.0 with skin safe technology. This trimmer won't nick or snag your nuts. Oh my God. Is there a scarier word than snag? I mean, that's right up there with rip. Rip. You just figure you go into shock, drop to your knees with that. What the fuck look and then face plant. And then that's it. They find you with rigor mortis, ass in the air, both hands holding your junk with a stunned look on your face as someone who got his balls ripped off. It's also 100% waterproof so you can use it in the shower. Don't use the same trimmer on your face that you use on your balls. Precision tools for your family jewels. Your balls will thank you. Get 20% off free shipping and a free travel bag with the code burr at manscape.com. That's right. What you want to do is you want to you want to trim up your junk the way you ever see what people do with poodles.

That's what you want to do. You want to have it puffy around your dick, you know, like on the poodles head and then your balls are like the body. You know, and then down around your taint, you give it the little ankle bracelet of hair. Somebody's going to be able to figure out how to do that. There's enough creative people out there. Have you seen the way they do the shape ups now with the fucking, the high top fades and then they fade the beard and all of that shit? It's incredible. People putting an advertising on their head. You're telling me somebody can't somebody out there. Okay. It's a challenge. All right. You get free tickets, a fucking meet and greet, whatever the hell you want to one of my shows. If you buy this manscape thing and then you trim your junk the same way that they do for a poodle that's going to be at Westminster. All right. Or maybe maybe you want to trim it up like they do one of those shits. I don't know. Pick the breed of dog.

I want to see it. I want to see how creative. I don't want to see that. I mean, look at the people's dick and balls. This is what you got. You got to pixelate your junk out of there. Yeah, this is what happens when you don't think things through and you just start talking. Yeah, I don't give a fuck. All right. Let's just try to save the public schools. Forget the whole fucking poodle junk thing. That was a bad idea. All right. Helix everybody here. There's nobody on the planet like you. You're special and no matter how dumb you are, you should put your opinion on social media. So why would you buy a generic mattress built for everyone else? That's right. You know, what if you're one of those people that has boobs and man junk and you like to sleep on your stomach?

You need a special fucking mattress. Helix sleep puts a sleep quiz that takes a built a sleep quiz that takes two minutes to complete and they use the answers to match your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress. Whether you're a side sleeper, a hot sleeper, gross, like a plush or firm bed with Helix. There's no more guessing or compromising. Just go to helix sleep.com slash burr. Take their two minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life for couples. Helix can even split the mattress down the middle providing individual support needs and feel preferences for each side. Helix sleep was even awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of 2019 by GQ and Wired magazine. And CNN called it the most comfortable mattress they've ever slept on.

Yeah, they were laying on that during the last election. Sorry. They have a 10 year warranty and you get to try it out for a hundred nights risk free right now. Helix Helix is offering up to $125 off mattress orders for our listeners. Get up to 125 books off at helix sleep.com slash burr. That's helix sleep.com slash burr for up to $125 off your mattress order. Helix sleep.com slash burr. Helix. All right. What else do we got here? Oh, look who it is. It's simply, simply safe.

This is what I wish the whole world was simply safe. It was simple and it was safe. People helped each other. On average, a burglary happens once every 23 seconds in the United States. When a home security, well, there's fucking over 300, 400 fucking million people. How many seconds are in a day? When a home security system is triggered, a lot of the time police assume it's a false alarm. Oh, look at this blaming the cops and call and the call goes to the bottom of the list, but not with simply safe home security.

Simply safe has video verification technology was helps the police get on the scene up to 3.5 times faster. Okay, all of those cops, they were just there loaded for bear. Yeah, that's what you want. Because that does happen. People put the fucking alarm on and they don't lock a window. The wind blows and then the fucking alarm comes on. And then the cops are wasting their time going over to somebody's fucking house where there's nobody there. And then there's somebody actually in somebody else's house and they're not there. You got video is the fucking scumbag. He's in my fucking kitchen.

Simply safe can visually confirm that a break in is happening giving police precise information about where an intruder is in a home and whether they're armed. So they have all the information they need to get there faster and catch a criminal ASAP as soon as possible. Simply safe also protects every door window and room with 24 seven professional monitoring. There's no contract, no hidden fees or fine print. It's won a ton of awards from a from CNET to the New York Times wire cutter prices wire cutter. Sorry, prices are always fair and honest around the clock. Monitoring starts at just $15 a month. And for my listeners, simply safe has a huge deal going on right now.

Go to simply safe bird.com and get free shipping and a money back guarantee that simply safe bird.com today. Simply safe bird.com I might get that because I have an alarm on my house, but I don't have that video. That video verification is fucking great. They should all have that. Well, then that gets weird, right? Then do they just turn it on and watch it. Fan from Greece. Hey there, Billy, booseless freckles. Yeah, by the way, 40 weeks in the countdown has begun 280 fucking two days.

368 is my adult record. I was on a great streak from about fucking, I don't know, the first 17 years of my life other than the random sip of beer I would have. I'll never break 17 years. I'll never break that record. Well, let's see if I were actually to try to do that. I would be 67 68 years old when I finally did it. Anyways, I'm a big fan of yours from Greece. Sorry if my English is a bit off. No, what are you talking? I can't speak any Greek.

You're doing awesome. All right. I've been listening to your podcast for years and love your comedy special specials recently. I started watching efforts for family, which is also really good, but enough with the ass kissing. Okay, I was wondering if you are ever going to come to Greece for a show. Yes, I am. You toured all over Europe and then flew over us to go to Israel and you couldn't stop for a show here. I think Greece has a big enough audience for comedy to justify a stop here. Plus you can bring the family and have a great time as a vacation after the show. It's like you said for some other European country, we get the jokes and understand English, but can't speak English all that well.

We had Jim Gaffigan here earlier this year, though he did his show in a terrible AA meeting room in a hotel. Yeah, but he's still fucking killed, didn't he? Then he'll come back and play an even bigger place and then you can say, I saw him when he first fucking came here. This summer, Louis CK had a great show here too. Blah, blah, blah, blah. He fucking killed it. You could maybe book an ancient theater where they do concerts and shit during the summer. That's what I plan on doing. That would be awesome. Check out the Harrow Dian Theater. Hope to see you.

See one of your shows. Thanks to Go Fuck Yourself. And then he wrote his name. He says, oh, I can't wait to listen to you trying to read that. All right. F, Fthymus, Fthymus, Fthymus. You know what? I'm going to fucking punch this in and see if I can get the actual spelling. Acetate, acetate, the actual pronunciation, I have to say. E-F-T-H-Y. Here we go. E-F-T-H-Y-M-I-S. Jesus Christ, look at this fucking moustache of the lunatic. I forgot to write pronunciation.

Pronunciation. How to pronounce, okay. Here we go. Here we go. Here it comes. PronounceNames.com. Ethymios. Ethymios. Ethymios. Thank you for the email. Ethymios. All right. PronounceNames.com. Hey, shut up. All right. I got it. We got it. Ethymios. Thank you, Ethymios. I will be over there at some point.

Anyway, I had a rough weekend as a fucking parent, man. My daughter got an ear infection, so I feel bad about that. And then also, over the summertime, I went to Coney Island, and I fucked up, and I took her on a ride. I thought it was a kid ride and it was an adult ride, and once it started, there was nothing. It was the first time she was freaking out, and I couldn't help her, and I just had to hold her until it was over. And she used to love going on the swing, and now she doesn't like going on the swing. It makes her stomach drop. She gets all nervous. So, you know, I felt terrible. But she says, instead of saying it's not fun, she goes, not funny. Not funny. Swing, not funny.

And I'm like, oh, man. So what I did was I just pushed her slow, and I was just going, okay, what color is daddy's shirt? She was like, glean. All right. What color is daddy's sneakers? She'd be like white, and I'd be like, and? Whoa. Right? So I was able to get it a little bit faster. But I definitely saw that I gave her a little bit of a complex and a fear thing. And which, I mean, I think it's impossible to be apparent in the fuck up, but I felt horrible. And then, you know, she was complaining about her ear. We didn't realize she got a little bit of water in her ear. So now every time she goes swimming, which by the way, she's killing it. She actually like enjoys swimming underwater more than she does above water.

It's hilarious. She has like absolutely no fear. And she used to have no fear when she was on the swing going faster, faster. So she's so early on. I think I can get her out of it. But I felt terrible about not noticing that, you know, she mentioned something about her ear. And then a day later, we figured out what was going on. But now we have the medicine. So now she's feeling better. But like, you just feel like such a fucking asshole. We just like, my kid was in pain and I didn't realize it.

But I mean, they also don't have the words to tell you that, but she's better now. She's hanging with their mom. But what I am proud of, she's like ridiculous. She has no fear of swimming. All she uses now just as one of those little tube like foam floaters. And she's got her arm going now. So all she needs to do now is just know how to hold her head up above the water. But she's so into like blowing bubbles and being underwater. My wife gave her tea for breakfast the other day because she likes it. It's fucking hilarious. And she got down towards the end of it and just went just really hard blue bubbles.

And it went all over her face and hair and everything. And she thought it was hilarious. Of course, I had to go clean it up, but everything now is blowing bubbles and being under the water. And she loves it. So, but someone told me, you know, the doctor said when they get out of the pool, if you just take a little bit of alcohol and a q-tip and kind of swab the inside of their ear, that usually is enough to do it. But your course also scares the shit out of me because I don't want to fucking, you know, have her turn her head. All you ever do is just think of the fucking worst case scenarios.

Like I'm going to take her skating soon and I'm getting her hockey gloves. Because I don't want her to fall down on the ice and then somebody, you know, skate over her. I know, I know, right? I don't need, I don't even need to say it. But that's all you, all you play is one fucking Friday the 13th Jason Voorhees fucking moment in your head over and over again. But I'm going to take her fucking skating soon. I also, when I was in New York, I was renting bikes that had the little kid seat on the back and she fucking loved that. So I'm going to buy a bike with one of those, which I have to do soon. While she's still, you know, she's big enough to do it, but like they just pass through these windows.

All you, you had that moment to do this thing and then they're too big, you know, she's growing like a weed. She's super fucking tall. It's amazing. So that's why I'm so thankful that I have the entire, other than my stand up gigs, I have the entire fall off. I'm not doing anything. So we've been having a great time and I got this book, Daddy daughter dates. You know, I think this one also has a little religious thing in there, which is slightly annoying, but they're great ideas. You know, obvious ones go off ice cream or pizza or something like that, but then they just have some good ones. But I was looking through a lot of them, like going on a bike ride. It's like, I did that, you know, go back horseback riding. I did that going a little choo choo train. I've done that, you know, take it to the park.

I've done all of those merry go rounds, all of that stuff. So I'm trying to do just do as much fun stuff with her as I can because they grow up so damn fast and then they leave. That's the thing is they leave. They move out one day and then you lose your buddy. So you just got to fucking, you know, I got one of my friends's kid just went off to college and he's just like, dude, I can't believe how fucked up I am. You know, so I'm like, all right, well, I got that coming. That's in the future. But I can't stop that day from coming, but I can't have as much fun with her as I can once she's still living at home. So that's it. I'm very thankful that I know that when she's only two and a half. Another advantage of being an old dad is that all the dads you raise going, dude, I'm telling you.

All right, here we go. Follow up from the Monday morning pod. Follow up from Monday about reuniting with the strange father. All right, here we go. Here we go. We're going back. This is a two potter. All right, dear Bill, I'm a huge Scottish lady fan. I don't miss the way I said that. I mean, it seemed like she was fat. I'm a huge Scottish lady fan. Lady fan. I don't miss an episode of you on or off camera and recently saw you in Glasgow. Thank you for fulfilling a bucket list gig for me by coming back to Scotland. I love Scotland. Scotland. I wanted that was my bad Scottish accent. I always have to do it once every week.

Oh, the fucking accent sucks out. Go fuck yourself, you rainy cunt. I wanted to reply to the lady wondering whether to get in touch with her. A strange father on her podcast from Monday, August 26th. All right. She said, please don't do it. You'd be putting his needs before your own. You've got on with your life this far without him and do not need that negativity in your life. Yeah, this is the guy who now because he's going to die and he feels guilty is what it seemed like to me. He wanted to reach out. I have a similar situation with my mother.

She's always put her men before myself and my siblings and most and her most recent husband was abusive to us. As a result, we've all walked away from her and have gone on to lead happier lives. We were given a small fright a couple of years ago when we were misinformed. She had passed away. We wondered if the shock was a wake up call and should we make amends. Then we recovered and truly realized we could never take the chance in accepting this manipulative horrible woman back into our lives. Oh, was she faker death or something? Her husband is now deceased and she has since tried to go into my brother's place of work to try and bump into him. All such attempts from her will be knocked back.

She's not a nice person, was a terrible mother, especially if there was a man in her life and we do not want her in our lives and we'll continue to live happily without her. Alright, you know, in defense of the woman wanting to see her dad possibly, you haven't given any reason why she... All you're doing is talking about your superimposing your experience, which everybody's different. But I guess that's all you can go with is what you know. Therefore, please, please, please do not grant your father's wishes. He could live for many years and poison those years of your life. Walk away. You'll be so much happier for it. You can choose your friends and not your family.

But many friends, I now consider my family, which I am sure you do too, and I do not missing having a mother in the slightest. Hope this helps. X, X, X, X, X, please, best regards. Yeah, I think it all comes down to, you know, your own decision. One of my favorite opinions on that was the joke that Joe DeRosa had, where Joe was talking about being adopted. And he goes, people always come up to me and go, do you ever like, you know, do you ever want to go meet your real parents? Do you ever have like a desire? Do you ever want to go, you know, see where they are?

You ever want to do that? And he just goes, no. You know, I kind of took the hint when they abandoned me. Ah, Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa, ladies and gentlemen, Joe DeRosa. He actually recently was on Bobby Kelly's podcast and I saw a clip of that on Instagram. And it was, it was fucking hilarious. Bob was trying to get him to say this super positive mantra, which Joe did repeat it a number of times before Joe went Joe. He brought some reality into the, into the whole fucking thing.

All right, budgeting question. Dear Billy the banker, I'm a 29 year old lady and I graduated college last December. Congratulations. I worked hard and found a great job immediately. Good for you. I can comfortably pay my bills and put money away in savings. Now this is a scenario you don't hear that often from these kids who are graduating college these days, it seems. Anyway, she says, I picked up a side gig tutoring kids to earn extra money to put into savings. Things are going pretty well.

Ah, gee, whatever you do, don't, don't fucking start dating some freeload douche who wants to take your money and invest it in his idea. All right, here's my question. I grew up really poor in the South. Here come the relatives. Here come the relatives. Here come the relatives. I survived with my single mother living off welfare and charity donations. I worked hard and had a job since I was 13.

I put myself through college and now occasionally help my mom out financially. Understandable. My problem is I've been saving to the point that I now have a little extra stored and I really want to go on a real vacation with my partner, but spending money scares me. You know, that's not, that's not a bad thing. That's better than being the other way where you just, you know, it just slips through your fingers. This is exactly how I was with money for different reasons. You know, I saw, you know, I grew up in the 70s, gas crisis, you know, economic crunch and shit. And I had friends whose parents had real jobs and they lost the jobs and they lost the houses.

They moved away and, you know, there's a period of my family had a down size. Like I just, you just saw it at a young age that, oh, shit can go. The shit doesn't just, shit does not stay the same. Shit moves. So I remember when I moved to New York City, I was afraid to take a taxi cab. Like maybe twice a month I would take a cab and I couldn't believe the luxury of it. I'd finish up down the village and take a cab all the way uptown, back when they drove like lunatics. They're starting to drive like lunatics again, but Giuliani slowed them down.

But they used to have the way they had the lights timed is you could just fucking go from like basically, you know, eighth street up to about 79th, 80th street before, you know, just too many people got in front of you and you missed the light. You just be in this pocket of green lights the whole way up. And I remember it would just be such a luxury to do it. And then afterwards I would get out of the cab and I would feel so fucking guilty and I would never order out for food. I just, yeah, I just held on to every fucking dime because I didn't know what was going to happen. Even though, yeah, I always had this thing in the short run, I was white knuckling, freaking out every fucking move I was making. But in the long run, I had this confidence and knew I was going to be all right.

It was weird. So anyways, she says, okay, my problem is I've been saving you the point. I have enough money to go on a vacation, but spending money scares me. I have an emergency fund as well as a separate savings account for a recession hits. And I was out of work for a few months. Wait for a recession hits and I was out of work for a few months. Okay, you weren't out of work. This is just in case.

See, this is the way, this is the way like a responsible person handles money. And then you don't become a debt to society. This is the way the government should be running this country. But they don't. And then when they fuck up somehow, then they come to people who responsibly handed their money and say we have to take more of your fucking money. And that's like, well, what the fuck are you guys doing? You know, I'm balancing my budget. You can't do the same fucking thing.

Paying $9 million more than you should be to these fucking assholes who get the government contracts. All right, let's stop making it about yourself though. Sorry. All right. Growing up so poor made me has made me respect money and fear being without it. It's a hell of an education. I live modestly and below my means, but I think it's time I do something for myself. Is that selfish?

Look at that. Yeah, it's like me taking the cab. How do you go about spending money on a vacation or an expensive purchase and not feel guilty? My partner says I deserve to relax a little and even my manager says I should take some time off. What do you think? All the best to the lovely Nia and the little one. Go fuck yourself. They're right.

And I think I don't think like this is going to be like hitting the crack pipe. Like you're going to go on a three day fucking vacation and then all of a sudden just come back and start buying fucking gold chains and stupid shit. This is what I what I have learned. Late in my adult life is the importance of taking time off the importance of taking a vacation. The importance of quiet time and the amount of, you know, restart recharging your batteries and then you can come back and be even better at your job and become even more successful. You have to fucking do it. All right. The old me I would have come right out of this fucking acting gig all summer long and gone right hardcore on the road said yes to a thousand fucking things.

You know, I did that a little bit. But once I saw this free time, I was like, oh, I can get my instrument rating. But it, but that's fun and enjoyable. But I think it's, it's huge, huge. This is what you do is scheduling, you know, a copy. You can, you don't have to fucking go to, you know, the ends of the world to go on vacation. You know, it's really underrated, not only a stay vacation, which I don't think you should do. I think you should go somewhere.

Just taking a vacation. Oh, uh, uh, uh, lakes are the shit. Just hanging out, getting a little fucking cabin. And it doesn't, I mean, lay, a lake is a fucking lake. So you can find a cheap fucking place. And you know, you're with your partner having a great time, get some food, have a couple of beers, just fucking hang out. You can go to the grocery store and just buy burgers and dogs. Chill the fuck out, laugh your ass off, play cards, don't watch TV, shut off your phone.

If you did that for three days, you'd be amazed what that did for you. And it wouldn't even cost that much money. And then as you get more and more successful, um, you know, or if you have a place you really wanted to go on a vacation, just start saving towards that and save way more than you need and, and then go on that vacation. But I think, um, you had no pun intended, a priceless upbringing. And it's great to hear a young person that has this type of, um, viewpoint on money. Um, and that's a great way to be, it's always better. And like all, like my, my grandparents were like that because they lived through a depression.

They were incredible, incredible with money. Both sets of grandparents were incredible with money. They just, you know, first of all, that, uh, aside from going through the depression, there was also repairmen back in the day. And if your TV broke, you got it fixed. You didn't just fucking throw it out. There wasn't this design, uh, obsolescence. Is that the word that they have with all of this shit where you just accept the fact that, that things are going to break. And then you don't even, you don't even entertain getting it fixed.

You just throw it out. Um, you know, unfortunately it was a business right down on sunset and like Vine. It was somebody's camera shop and I drove by it the other day and, uh, I was on my way to the movies when I saw the great Quentin Tarantino movie, which I'm going to see again this week. I cannot stop thinking of two things I haven't stopped thinking about last week, that delicious cigar that I smoked and that movie. And, um, anyway, I, uh, there was a camera shop that went out of business. There's a couple of small businesses that broke my heart that went out of business. That one did and Cascade Studios went out of business. That's where I played drums for the better part of 12 years.

I would go down there and they hooked me up. They would give me the, uh, showcase room and all of that stuff and they just treated me like gold whenever I was there. And, um, I just want to give a shout out to Joe LaTerza who ran the place, had such a great time going down there. And, you know, they built this giant apartment building next door and you just knew the writing was on the wall. Something was going to happen. They, they fucking raised the rent through the fucking roof and it was this really cool, um, warehouse looking thing that had train tracks that went right up to the back of it. I guess back in the day before they ripped up all the train tracks, um, these trains would pull right up and they would whatever load and unload stuff right on the dock. And that was actually the way the main studio was, but, uh, I mean, it was a legit studio.

I remember being in there one time and Billy Idol was in there with his band, Steve Stevens at all these fucking monster players. I remember sneaking a peek in, trying not to get in trouble, but just listening to a professional band rehearsing was just fucking amazing. And then I would be down the hall, paradiddle, paradiddle, paradiddle, like a fucking idiot. Um, Cascade Studios, uh, rest in peace, man. That was a great one. I hope, uh, Joe gets a chance to open up a place somewhere else because once again, one of the things that's happening out here in LA is just so many awesome places where it's a place to go and do something, get swallowed up by just, I don't know, these apartment complexes. There's going to be nothing to do. I guess whether they, you know, they're getting ready for the virtual reality glasses where you don't have to go outside.

I don't know. Go back to that little lady, get a virtual reality glasses of fucking grease. Then you can save your money. You don't have to go on a vacation. No, don't do that. Okay. All right. Next one.

Next one coming up here. Uh, what do we got here? Oh, Patrice. Hello, Billy Redface. Uh, Bill, I've been a fan of comedy for a while now and I have to say that one of the greatest comedians of all time has to be Patrice O'Neill. That's the best comic I ever saw live ever. Um, just as far as you had no idea what was going to happen. I've talked about him a million times.

You know, I feel about him. I remember you saying that one of the most defining moments of the Patrice legacy is when he was able to riff off, riff off a trans person on the street corner trading insult jokes. Oh yeah. No, they started giving each other shit. Yeah. Uh, back and forth for like an hour, you compared it to the moment when biggie was freestyling on the corner and there was just this talent that was undeniable. Yeah. He was out in front of the cellar and, uh, whatever you're supposed to call the person.

I don't know if it was a dude dressed like a woman or a dude transitioning, but the dude came walking by and Patrice teased her and she immediately turned around and started giving him shit. And then just this circle immediately formed and it was just Ali Frazier. And she had like a lot of like, uh, people haven't heard this story. She had a lot of like, you know, classic like street jokes. They weren't, wasn't really her material. Like, uh, you got so much space between your teeth. Looks like your tongues in jail. Like it's the classic snaps.

I believe people of, uh, African American descent call them. Um, and Patrice just fucking roped the dope. He just kind of stayed on the ropes, let her get all their fucking memorized jokes out of the way. It wasn't that for like an hour. It was like, it felt like 20 minutes. It was probably only like six, seven minutes, but it was fucking unbelievable. It was unreal. I was just, I didn't know what was going to happen.

So anyways, he said, when you spoke about it, you can tell there was a real admiration as you were in the presence of a comedy great. Yeah. Because it was all the loud mouth comics. None of us shut up. We were all trying to top each other. We all shut up and became a crowd and, uh, watch this, this, uh, whatever the fuck you're supposed to. I don't know. I don't know what you're supposed to say.

They were called transvestites when I was a kid, right? Watched her try to go for Patrice's title and come out throwing haymakers, not afraid whatsoever. The thing is we all knew Patrice and knew what he could do. So we were afraid. So this woman not knowing Patrice was not afraid and it was, it was working. It was like Duke in the first quarter playing Alabama. She forced to fumble, right? So anyways, he says, I still listen to his guest appearances on opening Anthony.

That is probably the best. If you want to know anything about him, what it was like to be around him. That is the closest thing though, all those old ONA clips. He says, I listened to it about once a month on YouTube and I'm always mind blown at his razor sharp timing and honesty. Not too long ago, I watched the live podcast you made and it reminded me of Patrice's skill level. Well, Jesus, that's as high a compliment as it comes. But no, I was nowhere near him. Also, I've had the advantage of continuing to practice for another seven years.

You know, he was at least 10 years ahead of all of us. I mean, unfortunately, I can't believe it, but this November 29th, he's been gone already for eight years. So anyways, he goes, I think you guys are on such an elite level of comedic delivery at this point that it must be for a new comedians, how you guys probably looked at Carlin or Pryor or maybe even Hicks. The craft has come a long way. Yeah, I don't know. Like those are some big names there. My only thing about young comics is I just hope that they don't ever look at Carlin and Pryor and those guys the way.

When I heard that rapper saying that Biggie Smalls was overrated, I was just like, that really depressed me. Like, you know, I don't know, it's just like when someone as great as that comes along and then everybody goes and steals from their style, then they end up making the original not look as good as they were. Like, I don't think anybody was stolen more from than Richard Pryor. I mean, we all got something from that guy. And I remember comics, you know, when Carlin was towards the end, they were saying stupid things like, oh, he's just an angry old man now and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, now go back and watch those fucking specials. He was warning everybody what was coming and he was 100% fucking right.

It's just one of the things that comes with being ahead of the curve is people who are basic don't see it. And then they actually think that not only is the person not good, they actually think in their own fucking hacky mind that they are performing on the same level. Anyways, he goes, sometimes I like to imagine the type of damage Patrice would do on something like the Joe Rogan experience or even his own pocket. He did have a podcast. Oh, him and Joe Rogan, that would have been unbelievable, the two of them in the same room. His passing was a major loss to comedy in which he was more recognized. Well, we're going to be doing a little bit something. I can't announce the project, but we're in the works.

As long as I'm around, people will hear that guy's name, Bobby Kelly, like we always bring him up. And thank God, Opie and Anthony and Jim Norton had him on this show and that video exists. But like he is, he's timeless. I don't see people not knowing who he is. Anyways, I was hoping you could share a story we may have not heard thus far about the legendary Patrice O'Neill. And if you can see anyone else coming up with that similar energy. Also, one more thing, if you have the time, I'd like to know your personal Mount Rushmore of comedy would look like. Best regards to your family and go fuck yourself.

My Mount Rushmore. Well, Mount Rushmore is like, was that four people? What is it? Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson and Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt being, he was the standing president. I think that's why he got in there. All right, my Mount Rushmore. Prior, Carlin. I can't just do four. Prior and Carlin, everybody has and of course, Lenny Bruce. Joan Rivers brutally, brutally, brutally underrated. I put her like at Carlin's level, as far as just the sheer volume of material that she wrote and level of balls.

Like the end of her life, she was doing jokes. I would be, I still wouldn't have the balls to do. Just an absolute beast of a comic. Yeah, there's too many. Sam Kinnison, Eddie Murphy. And then there's, then I have like my mini Mount Rushmores of people that I just saw that affected my career. Like, I can't say many, but like my other, my subset of the Mount Rushmore, like the three sets that four sets that I saw growing up five. No, there's too many. There's just too many. First time I saw Brian Regan, seeing Joe Rogan and Aspen in the early 2000s, seeing this comic Frankie Bastille, who since passed away. First time I ever saw a comic just talking on stage was him.

I saw Frank Santarelli at the old comic, comedy connection. He went on stage and they were playing music and the host, this woman was dancing and then Frank just started dancing behind her with this super intense look on his face. And it just, I don't know, I just think it just, it was almost like when prior walked on stage and not everybody wasn't seated. So we started riffing and he just caught this zone and it never ended. I saw, I saw Santarelli do that. Just absolutely fucking wire to wire murder. So David Feldman in that same room. There's just too many. There's literally, there's too many. First time I saw David Tell, Louis Greer Barnes, Brian Holtzman, Dice. I'm going to forget somebody. That's why I can't do this. There's too many. There's just too fucking many people that I saw.

And then of course, Patrice a million fucking times. Yeah, there's just, there's, there's too many, too many fucking people that I learned from. So let's see a Patrice story that nobody knows about. I haven't tell you the pineapple story. Can't remember if I told that one. He was staying at my apartment during pilot season in the late 90s and he'd come out there. We both trying to book a pilot, both of us miserable because we just wanted to be on stage doing jokes. But you know, that's what it was. It was must see TV on NBC and all these comics were getting sitcoms. All these, all these comics, I mean, half a dozen that made it to syndication and that was the fucking pipe dream everybody was chasing.

So management, your agent, well, you got to get out here for pilot season, you get on something and then, then you'll, you'll, you'll get famous and then you'll sell tickets and then all that shit. And in the back of our heads, we both knew, or you just become such a good comic that, you know, you just build it up by just being funny and, you know, whatever, I don't know. So this is before podcasting and the internet blowing up and social media and all this shit. So we were out there for podcast season and Patrice loved to cook. And I don't know, he bought this fucking pineapple and I came home and he had this look on his face. I came walking in and, you know, my kitchen was right there to the right and I see the top of the pineapple sticking out of the garbage disposal. And Patrice had this look on his face like, I'm sorry, man, tried to fucking tried to stick the whole fucking pineapple down there. And it was towards the end of pilot season and just having even your best friend be a guest for that lawn was becoming annoying.

And I remember just looking at him like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck? We got in this fucking argument about it. And then he got mad at me for getting mad. And I was just like, it's like fucking wood. Why would you put it down there? And also it wasn't that I was mad at him. It's just that I lived in this shitty fucking apartment and the landlord was just never fucking helped. In fact, they stole out of my apartment.

That's where the fuck I was living. So we ended up getting this big fucking argument as I always did when I was young. I always got mad and shit. I fucking used to fight with him and Bobby and all the time. Then we'd fucking be friends again in like 40 minutes, literally like little kids in a fucking sandbox. I just never forget the fucking look on his face and that stupid top of the fucking thing sticking out of the garbage disposal. And I should have just laughed as mostly in life. I should have just laughed.

I didn't. And I think he always found that puzzling about me because he never really got mad and I would get mad. But then also I didn't really sabotage myself and he would sabotage himself. But then when he would see me trying to go for something, he would then just trash me and try to make me second guess it. So he could, he was almost like a fucking townie. Like stay here, you know? And I had to like fucking, we, oh man, we were so fucking, it was so funny when we were younger. Me, Bobby and Patrice were so great and so awful for each other because we loved each other.

And we were so supportive, but we were so fucked up from our childhoods, but we didn't understand that we were. You know, it was all pre-therapy, pre-self-analysis of all of that. I think Patrice ever went to fucking therapy. But yeah, we, me and Bobby were living together. We used to play fucking roller hockey. We used to almost get into like a fucking fist fight every single time. And like we'd go back to the apartment and then like for fucking 20 minutes, wouldn't be talking to each other. And then like somewhere he would always think he knew how to play.

Dude, I'm fucking sorry, dude. You know, what are we doing, blah, blah. And the next thing would be fucking laughing, ordering food. None of it would be fine. But like, yeah, I was an angry young man when I was in my 20s, regrettably. I know you guys probably still think I'm angry, but I wasn't. I'm aware that I'm angry now, which is so much better than just being angry and not even fucking being aware of it. So, so there you go.

There's the pineapple story. And I look back and regret like I should have just fucking laughed it off and called them a fucking dope. We could have laughed about it. And just, it's like, Bill, there's pineapple skin in a garbage disposal. They can figure it out. All right. Iranian looking for love advice. It sounds like a new fucking Netflix series.

All right. Hi, Bill. The Love Burr. I was wondering if you and the lovely Mia, it's Nia with an N, not M, can help me. I'm looking for some romantic advice. I live in a small town. I'm not going to say where over there in Iran, right on the border of Iran and this other country. I've been wanting to ask a girl for a long time, but I don't know if she likes me or not.

Fuck it, man. There's only one way to find out. In Iran, if you want to ask a girl out, first you have to get friendly with her. You just can't go up to the girl and ask her out. That would be very disrespectful. Okay. I kind of get that. All right.

I know this girl at least for three years and I like her very much, but every time I tried to talk to her, she either ignored me or answered me very formally. So I got the signal and stopped trying to be friends and started using the plural pronouns when referring to her. Using parentheses, using a plural pronoun for somebody is a sign of respect in Farsi and the formal way of speaking. I hope I said that right. End quote. And started talking to her very formally. Then she started answering me very friendly and always smiles when I'm talking to her.

I'm very confused now. Well, maybe you just came off as too familiar or maybe she's playing hard to get. I don't know. A woman's a woman. They like doing that. I am very confused now. I don't know what I should do. Should I ask her out or not?

Because I really like this girl and she's been giving me mixed signals. No dude, the key point is you switch your pronouns. Stay with the formal pronouns. Treat her respectful so she knows you're a gentleman. If you're a gentleman, as long as you're a gentleman, do that. Anyways, I don't want to bother if she's not interested. No, that's not what it is. You're afraid of rejection.

And we are classmates in college. So if I ask around, she says no to me. Every class this year will be awkward for me. Why would it be awkward? I like you. You didn't like me back. It gives a fuck. I put it out there.

And then still just be friendly to her. You know what? She would find that attractive. The fact that she could actually handle it and then not be weird around her. You could even have that conversation. Just come up to her. Use your formal pronouns or whatever and just be a listen. I know I asked you.

I just don't want it to be weird. All right. We're cool. Are we cool? Great. We're cool. Okay. Whatever.

Just how do you do it in your culture? Just do that. Anyways, he says, do I ask her out or not? If I should or ask her out, how should I ask her out? Should I text her? Should I DM her? Please guide me. The red-headed bald-headed wise king and the wise ebony queen.

And sorry for the bad English. Nah, dude. Man the fuck up. Listen, she's smiling. She's giving you the signal. She came on a little strong, a little too familiar. Now you're using the formal thing. So she's a classy chick.

There you go. I would ask her out. You know what the great thing about asking her out? The rest of your life, you don't have to have regret of I should have. So just do it. You know? If she says yes, you're in the game. If she isn't, who gives a shit?

Now you know she's not into you. You can get on with your fucking life. All right? Just always be respectful. That's it. That's it. Keep using those pronouns. All right?

Now make yourself proud. The worst thing is she says no and now you have a funny story to tell. That's the worst thing that happened. Who gives a shit? All right. Overrated, underrated. All right. Underrated.

Early morning weather. This time of year it's like waiting for the school bus weather. The temperature slowly rises from the time you leave your house to the time you get on the bus. I have another underrated. The Sunday paper. I bought one yesterday. Had a little quiet time.

I just sat there and read like the front section of the newspaper. It was great. The Sunday paper. Underrated. Overrated. Communication. Did any of it ever really need to be said? Probably not.

Jesus, somebody had a bad. No, communication is great. And yeah, it needs to be said. Not if you're going to insult somebody, but if you're telling somebody how you feel, yeah, it does need to be said. But just did any of it ever really need to be said? Probably not. You sound a little emotionally shut down.

I relate to that, what you just wrote there. That seems like how I was a long fucking time ago. And I can tell you, it doesn't work out. No man is an island. All right. Say what you're thinking. Get out there. Take a goddamn chance.

Just like that guy, the Iranian guy, who's going to walk into the class. He's going to man the fuck up. You know, can't do it over DM or text message. You going to tell your kids that? So what did you say when you first met your mother? Nothing. I was too afraid to. So I sent her a fucking email.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. They'll be like, my dad has no balls. All right. Well, I got a question for you Iranian person. Where do I buy one of those fucking things that you guys wear over there? Because it's getting hot as fuck over here with global warming. You know, what do you call that? What do you call the outfit there?

And then you put like the thing on your head and then you just, you just rest that little halo on you. It's perfect. I'm going to get one of those except I won't wear it down south. It's one of them red husband, red headed Muslims. Actually, I'm Catholic just trying to avoid a sunburn. Anyway, all right, that's it. That's it for the fucking podcast.

Oh, I just plugged the thing in. I hope that didn't fuck this thing up. I just mentally left the podcast. Have a great couple of days. I'll check in on you on Thursday.