Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-20-21

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

Bill rambles about Red Rocks, super-sonic flights, and honeymoons.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, September 20th, 2021, what's going on? How's it going? How are you? Are you doing all right? That's fucking fantastic. Oh, Billy fucking old face is off the goddamn road. I'll tell you, it was an amazing run of dates. I want to thank everybody that came out. God damn it. Since I last ran my YAP on this podcast, one thing I really like is fascinating to me now are people that are doing documentaries on themselves. You know what I mean? This is a documentary on me. Oh, yeah. Who came up with the idea to do that? I did. I've always found myself such an interesting subject. Is that really,

is it really a documentary when you're the subject and you're the money, like when Hillary Clinton did one on herself? Let's look this up here. I want to look this shit up. This fascinates me. People who do documentaries on themselves. Let's see what we get here. Let's see what the list is here. That's just a bunch of nobodies here. I wonder they're doing a documentary. They need people to know who the fuck they are. Wait a minute. Let's see if I type in Hillary. I mean, you know that like that came, she's a politician. You know, Michael Jordan did it. Although I liked his only because everybody was telling his story. All the fucking butthurfs people in the sports press like, yeah, he wasn't,

wasn't critical enough. It's like you guys tore him a new asshole his whole fucking career. You always had some to talk about after you built them up, right? I guess if you're Jordan, it's okay if you do it. You know, why is it okay for Jordan to do it and not Hillary? Is that because she's a woman? No, because she stinks. That's the difference. She's not the greatest politician of all time. She does not have six rings. Okay. She was married to somebody who won two rings, two terms. Oh, Billy, fresh hands there. Bill Clinton, right? She was married. Oh, Billy, grab ass there. She was married to him. He had two terms, right? And then she got, you know, she immediately became a senator, which was fucking

hilarious. You know, she kind of just got that job because of like the last name being Clinton, right? You're part of a legacy. That's like when somebody goes to Yale and then they got a son who's a fucking dope, but he also gets into Yale, right? I'm just a sider and he gets to go to Yale, right? But like if he had to do it on his own fucking merits, you know what I mean? There is something to be said about that. You know, it's like recently I was just signed by Copper Tone. You can't believe that. Like I had no ins at that time. No, that would never happen. Did they even advertise that shit anymore? Does anybody really want to get a tan the old fashion way out in the sun? Or did people do it the other way? I don't know. I have no idea,

but I do find it funny. You know, when people do a documentary on themselves, I also love a documentary. You know, someone do a documentary on themselves and they're in their thirties. Oh, they'll write their life story in their thirties. I have an autobiography coming out. You're fucking 36. Do you have a terminal disease? Like what are you doing here? You're wrapping it up? You're wrapping it up. I like Keith Richards. Keith Richards waited. He waited until he was well into his fucking seventies and just wrote a book called Life. And it was like, I don't know, it was like 600 fucking pages. And the one story that I remember the most was that they, in like the mid sixties, they went out and they bought a Chevy Impala, which is one of the best

looking cars of all time. And I love those mid six. Speaking of which, I saw a 65 Chevy Impala station wagon with Krager rims. And like the whole fucking car was just all patina. It just was all beat up looking, but it was, it was just such like a, I haven't seen one of those since I was a kid. I mean, those things were going away when I was a kid, because I was a 65. By the time I was like four or five years old, that car would have been eight years old, eight years of like kids and family trips and shit. And it was a station wagon. So most of them ended up in the junk pile. So yeah, I saw one of those the other day, fucking, I didn't remember what the foot was. I thought it was talking about people getting their own

documentaries. How the fuck did I end up talking about a 65 Chevy Impala station wagon? Oh, the Rolling Stones. I know when you guys hate when I do that, I lose my train of thought. And you're like, what happened with the fucking story? Why should literally, I should have like a special email for people, you know, when I started a story that you actually gave a shit about, I didn't finish it. So the Stones bought this Impala. I always pictured it being white. I don't know why. And they took off like the door panel and they had their drugs behind it because what cop would ever look there, right? And I don't know, they drove this thing all around, they got all high and all fucked up or whatever. And somehow they lost the car or they turned it in or they sold it. I

don't know what happened. But he goes somewhere out there for cars still exists. There's a 65 or 66 Chevy Impala with my drugs behind the fucking the door panel. So that was just one of his fucking stories. And had he written an autobiography, well, I guess you get that one. You get that story. When we get all the other shit on the other side of heroin, the other side of all of this stuff. So anyway, I'm off the road. I'm not doing shit. And before I go back out again, I'm kind of back to my regulatory schedule, which is every other week. But I want to thank everybody that came out to Red Rocks. That show could not have gone any better. And I filmed it. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. But I have it. And it's looking like it's a smart move to have done that.

You know, because the set went so well. And who knows, you know, we just keep walking around, you know, during all of this shit, whether you believe in the pandemic or not, what do you think there's a virus or it isn't, whether you think it was made by nature. Or if it was made by the government, whatever it is, it's the new reality that we're in. And to who knows, does does the whole thing open up next year? Does the whole thing shut down? If it does shut down, you know, I'll just fucking put it out as a specialist or something, you know, maybe, I don't know. But now I have the thing. Actually, you know, when I first did it, I was just going to kind of shoot it like just to document it.

And then just the budget and everything just ballooned into like a real special. And I was like, well, fucking, I'll just have one, you know, I can use it or not use it. I just got this fucking thing. And now it went so well, I was so fucking psyched. And my vibe on stage was great. And I really think part of it was because I watched all these Norm MacDonald videos. And I just thought he had such a, I don't know, like he there was something about his vibe that was Zen. His comedy was like, it wasn't about the result. It was just about what he thought was funny. And I thought as much as he said all this crazy stuff, I didn't find him to be mean, really. So I don't know, I was thinking about that. And I don't know, when there was 1.2, I don't know,

I'm not going to tell you all the stuff I was thinking about, but I was kind of just in a really good place. And we shot this thing. And I am, you know, thrilled that we got it. And I still cannot believe I got to do stand up there. And how great it was. And everybody was just on board laughing. We're having a great time. And in the end, when everybody left, a couple buddies of mine that I didn't know were going to be there surprised me. And we all went out on stage and smoked cigars, literally until the raccoons came out of the woods and started fucking walking around on the seats trying to find something to eat, which I took a video of and put it on my Instagram. But it was amazing. It was one of those deals where I got off stage

and I was just like, that was, you know, I got all of that one, he got all of that one. So thank you for everybody for being a part of that. And then Kansas City the night before played this amphitheater. And it was just like the coolest, most well-behaved crowd. People were buzzed, but they weren't like wasted, you know, people having a good time. But just too, I was joking with Bartnick going, that might have been the best Wednesday and Thursday I've ever had in my life. So, yeah. So in the end, we were all just sitting around. Telling showbiz stories and sports stories and all that. It was a great mix of people and just sat on that iconic stage, smoking a cigar. And I got a crazy story about that. I remember

about Red Rocks, it was a long, long time ago. And I looked up the show too, I forget what year it was. But I looked it up because they had a list of everybody. And I saw footage of Stevie Ray Vaughn being there of like a fan shouting to him and him saying what's up when he was sort of backstage. And I looked and Stevie played there and Double Trouble played first in 86. Then they came back in 87, 88, 89. And unfortunately, he died 90. So he went there every single year after he played it. And I can't imagine his music enjoying his music. That just seems like a perfect marriage, like Riviera Paradise being played with the lights on those rocks. So anyway, I was a nobody. And I was working the comedy works. I was post

Chappelle's show tour with the late great Charlie Murphy and Donnell Rawlings. I think I had just done put out why do I do this? And I was just starting to get headlining work, selling a couple of shows and the others were a little light doing morning radio and all that. That's where I was at. So staying at this hotel. And finally, it was a nice period in my life where I had gotten to the level of working in a club like the comedy works in Denver. All right. And actually finally staying at like a nicer hotel. Yeah, you know, I might have been almost ready to do my second special because if I was staying at that nice hotel, I don't think what happened would have happened. So basically, I was at the hotel and I had the shows that night. And I went down to the hotel gym.

Oh, Billy Balliptical, right? And I go to get on the gym. Go to the gym, go to the gym, go to get on the elliptical and I'm on the elliptical and I'm listening to my music and everything. And as I'm on it, MCA from the Beastie Boys came walking in. And he looked at me, I looked at him and he knew I knew who he was. And I didn't say anything to him. That's how I was look at those people like that. It's like my gift to you for everything that you've given me in your work is I'm not going to bug you. I just want to say I wasn't going to do that. So I did my thing. I didn't say one word to him. And I was like halfway done with my workout. And I just wrapped it up, you know, I finished up and I left. I was like, holy shit, that was fucking

MCA. You know, like I can't the Beastie Boys must be in town. And and then like a day later or something like that or the next morning I went downstairs to have breakfast and add rock was downstairs getting breakfast too. And I ended up talking to him because we both knew Neil Brennan, I think that was how that thing came about. And he was going, oh, you're doing stand up. I was like, yeah, he goes, oh, yeah, he goes, you're doing your little Skittles. You're doing your little Skittles over at the comedy club. He's like, giving me shit, choking around. I was laughing. I was like, well, you guys playing and he said we're playing Red Rocks.

And I was just like, dude, that's got to be sick. If you have a plan, I had a quick conversation with him. He was beyond fucking cool. And I was like, I was just thinking, I didn't even think I had never thought I'd ever fucking play that place. Because at that time, I'll be honest with you, only musicians could play that place. It was very few because I looked, you know, they had everybody that ever played there. Bill Cosby played there in 66. But it was I think the capacity was a lot smaller. And around 88 or 89 is when they put the roof over the stage. But like the only other comic I remembered seeing everybody that I read there was was Richard Pryor played there in 78 when he was literally at his height. He played that place. And I think it's amazing

like the internet how the internet hurt music, it helped stand ups. Like I just feel like what we did was in the way people consume our shit was better for us. And it's just the weirdest thing ever. But anyway, I was thinking about all of that shit before I went on stage. And I still can't believe I got to play this. So anyway, let me let me plow ahead. So now I'm off the I'm off the road. And I feel like I want to take a month off, but I can't and all I've been doing is watching YouTube videos of how transmissions work. And people making homemade pasta. I don't know why. But I find it soothing. I don't just watching what seeing how watch I watched this video like a half hour video

of this guy rebuilding a transmission. And I thought it was the coolest fucking thing I'd ever seen in my life. And to finally understand, you know, I grow up I grew up driving manual transmissions to finally understand what was going on when you were shifting. And and how like, you know, it was always first, second, third, fourth, fifth, and then underneath was reverse. And when, you know, if you look at a transmission, there's like these rods. And as you're up and down, you're moving the gears to mesh with the other gears. But then when you go from second, you make that little S turn, you jump onto a different rod that then has third and fourth. And the other one has fifth and then like reverse is a completely different

gear or fifth. I don't know. There's a lot to see. And just watching this guy and watching him do it right. And then seeing these these things that they put in. Because back in the day, you could really grind your gears. But now they the geniuses came up with this thing that they put in that helps you to like, just shift smoothly. So you don't grind the teeth of the gears, regardless, if you're you're not going the right speed when you were going to shift. Because I've driven a few like four wheelers. And I don't understand how these work. The four wheeler I drove, you had to shift with your foot, but there was no clutch. So you had to like listen to the engine and make sure the RPMs, if they were high enough,

if you'd shipped it the right time, it was like butter. Other times it was just like fighting you or whatever. So I don't know, I just got all fascinated with that shit. So tonight I'm going to actually make myself a little bit of pasta just to do it, you know, despite, you know, you know, my lovely wife is always like, why are you doing all we have pasta in the box? Why would you do that? Which is the hilarious opposites that me and my wife are, aside from the visual obvious, a beautiful black woman and a translucent orange white man. Yeah, her shit is just like they make pasta, they put it in a box. You know, what are we doing here? And I'm the fucking guy like, let's make a sandwich,

we'll make bread from scratch. I don't know, I am fascinated with how shit works. So I think I'm going to be doing that tonight. And last night I put my lovely daughter to bed, but my wife did. And I was like, Jesus Christ, I was like, you know, I was downstairs. What was I doing? I was watching something because watching the Untouchables. And I was just into the episode and I can't watch the episodes when my daughter's around because she's like, she's like, dad, I don't like when the people get hurt and then they go to sleep. And I was just like, yeah, why am I watching this in front? I thought this was a 1950s, 60s show. It wasn't as bad, but just shows you how fucked up TV is now that I would actually sit

there and watch that with the kid because I bet if, you know, I was alive back then, I'd be like, God, this isn't for kids, Shay. So anyway, my wife's like, Hey, you're gonna go upstairs and say good night to your daughter. I'm like, you're right. So I go upstairs to say good night to her and she's already asleep. And when I was in New York, I got her her Halloween costume. She's going to Spider-Man. She's so friggin excited about it. I went in there and she had the Spider-Man, her costume. She obviously didn't have the Spider-Man head thing on. And I thought that was so cool. I was just like, I remember being that excited about something when you were a kid, like you get a football for your birthday and you'd sleep with it when you went to bed. You were so friggin

excited. It was the first thing you wanted to wake up and do or play with or anything. So I went downstairs and I told my wife, I go, I go, Nia, did you tell her that she could sleep in her Spider-Man costume? She goes, No, I go where she is. And then my wife laughed and was just like, that's why she had that look on her face. Like I was saying goodnight to her and she was smiling and going, all right, goodnight. And I didn't really want to kiss. Just wanted her to get out of there like she had that idea. So this morning she came downstairs and I was making her some pancakes, right? And I got this little Bruins tracksuit that I got my son. And I'm not going to tell you something.

I'm not going to lie. He's a good looking dude. All right, my son and my beautiful kids, but this kid was crushing this Bruins. Like I've never looked that good in Bruins gear, right? And I'm just laughing because I also bought him these little pair of Timbalands when I was in New York, you know, we haven't tried them on yet, right? So he's just at that adorable age. Anything you put him in is the cutest thing ever. So I'm making the pancakes. So I say to my daughter, I go, Hey, did you sleep in your Spider-Man costume last night? She goes, No. I go, Yes, you did. I go, I went up there to say goodnight to you when you were wearing it. And she kind of smiled and looked down. And I was like, sweetheart, I go, don't,

don't lie to me. You don't ever need to lie to me. I don't care. I think, you know, nothing's a big deal. Just tell me, okay. She goes, okay. I go, so don't lie to me anymore. Okay. She was just like, okay. She almost started crying. I was just like, no, it's fine. But I don't watch. Just tell me what you did. I'm not going to flip out. We'll work it out. That's all. It's all I'm going complete fucking opposite of the way I went because it didn't, it didn't work. It didn't take how I was raised. Turn me into the angry lunatic that you all know and love. But after time, I think you guys listen to me and you want to hear me flip out because it makes you feel less fucked up or maybe it feels you're like, all right,

I'm not the only one who flips out over shit. So I flipped out this morning because there was no vanilla extract to put into the fucking pancakes because what drives me nuts. And I was thinking about this so I wouldn't flip out anymore is before I go to bed, I'm going to make sure all the dishes are done and then every fucking thing is where it needs to be because we've had these kitchen powwows and I go, the measuring cup goes here. Okay. Goes here, goes there. We're all on the same. Yeah, we're all on the same plate, right? Two days fucking later. Where the fuck is it? All right. It's not at the sink. It's not in the dry wreck. It's not in the fucking washing machine. And I have to start my day with a fucking treasure hunt. Drives me fucking insane. So this

morning, trying to make these fucking pancakes and I'm trying to find the fucking vanilla extract. And it's nowhere to be found. And it used to be in the spike track. All right. And then somehow it got moved into the cupboard and then it got moved down to the other cupboard where the bacon shit was. It just keeps fucking moving around like it's running from the mop. Like it's got warrants or something. So I look, it's not in the cupboard, I look down the bakery thing, it's not there. I look in the spice rack, it's not fucking there. And I'm just like, but I was able to talk to myself. It's like, Bill, do you really want to ruin a Sunday over vanilla extract? You're going to put syrup on the pancakes. Who's going to notice? And I just

was like, you know what? Fuck it. Just fucking let it go. Let it go. You know? I mean, why would you want things in the place where everybody knows it is so then you don't have to look? Why would you want that? Why would you want that when you can just fucking hunt all around the fucking kitchen? Every two, three days looking, looking for these fucking things. The can opener. Can we just agree what fucking drawer we're going to put this thing in? It's used all the fucking time. And I swear to God, all right, I'm done with this shit because I'm actually really flip out. All right. How about those Patriots? The fucking Buffalo Bills smoke the Dolphins, smoke the Dolphins, the two and O loan position in the AFC East, the team to beat.

It's not even a question. Are they going to win the AFC East? The question is, how far into the playoffs are they going to go? Everybody's looking at the Steelers like, oh, wow, they could do something. And old freckles put a little money on them today, you know, to fucking cover. And the Raiders came in and took that money right out of my pocket, took it right out of the pocket. Derek Carr is playing fucking great. They got John Gruden. The Raiders haven't been back since John Gruden brought him back. I mean, I swear to God, if this guy makes the fucking Raiders a playoff contender playoffs, you know, they should have a street. I would say a street in Oakland. If there was anybody

left in Oakland that wasn't pushed out by all the people that got pushed out of San Francisco, which by the way, somebody used this expression and I got to see this episode of South Park. It was like South of South Park. What the fuck was it? They did South Park did a whole episode on gentrification. See South Park gentrification episode. And you know how they name stuff like WeHo and all of that shit? They did like a thing. I can't believe that that was just sitting there and nobody else had the brains. That's why they're geniuses. They're like fucking 1920, 21 seasons in nice. Oh, season 19 episode three South Park. So they came up with one of those stupid fucking WeHo, SoHo, NoHo, fuck whole thing. And it was, it was, I think it was S-E-S-O-P-A

or something like that. I didn't see the episode, but it was just making fun of all of that shit. It's season 19 episode three. I'm going to watch that tonight. I got to see that, man. Oh, wait a minute. That was 2015. I'm way, I just thought that just came out. I'm an asshole. Well, there you go. Now you know whose comedy you should be listening to. I'm six years behind an idea South Park had that I didn't even have. Hats off to them. I got to check that out. So anyway, yeah, the stealer, I'm going to be a typical gambler. The stealers fucked me. The saints fucked me. And the Rams fucked me. I'm such an idiot. I took all favorites this week. I never do that. Usually they take one favorite and three dogs. And I went all favorites and I'm

like, I'm going to go fucking 0 and 4 instead. I went 1 and 3. What a dope. But anyway, let me see. Who gives a fuck, right? I'm having a good time. I played Red Rocks. I'm making my own pasta tonight. All right, my own pasta tonight. I'm going to do it right in front of my wife and she can't have any because she didn't want any, right? It's a stupid move, Bill. I know it is. I'm trying to think what kind I'm going to make those fucking pasta makers. They just sit there and they go, this is how you do it. And there's no way to film it. You can never see it because whatever they do, they have to do it fast and they just roll it off. And yeah, that's how you did it. You just fold the triangles in and you twist it like that. How did you just do that?

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you go. All right. And with that, what else did I want to talk about? Was there any other story? Oh, I've been getting a kick out of like, I get a lot of fucking emails, you know, people calling me Hollywood and that type of stuff and people's idea. I swear to God, I'm not saying I'm not Hollywood. All right. I'm not saying that I'm not laying here right now thinking that if I sent out a tweet and told you about the new hoodie that I just bought that in my mind, I don't feel that I would entirely shift the entire hoodie economy. I had that level of an ego. Now just people shitting on fucking Hollywood who don't even live out here and don't know anything about it. And then how they act like everybody where they live, you know what I mean, is just the

salt of the earth guy. You know, Joe Sixpack, he puts his pants on one at a time. Yeah, is that what he does? What else does he do? What else is he fucking doing? You know, like you don't have fucking sex offenders in your goddamn state. I am so fucking sick of this fucking, you know, I mean, sick of it. It's just funny to me that with like all of this vaccine, get vaxxed, don't get vaxxed, how half the country is like, get vaxxed. The other half is like, you know, saying I don't want to get vaxxed. All right, which I understand both because, you know, white people have come up with vaccinations, white, you know, I don't know, whatever. We get syphilis to black people. I get it. You don't want to take it. I get it. The fucking head of one

of those fucking vaxxed things. The CEO didn't take the vaccine. I get it. I understand the trepidation, but half the country is like, yeah, I would do it. Other half now you shouldn't fucking do it. But then somehow it becomes Hollywood's the only one saying to do it. It's so fucking dumb. So fucking dumb. It's just, I don't know. I have a great time out here. I'm not going to lie to you. There's a lot of scumbags out here. Absolutely. But there's a lot of scumbags contractors, right? It's a lot of scumbag titty bar. A lot of scumbag priests. A lot of scumbag car salesmen. It's a lot of scumbag everything. Real estate agents. You pick a vocation and you tell me there's dirty cops. There's firemen

that steal shit during the fire. Right? I've just, you know what it is? Every time there's a fucking natural disaster out here, meaning the United States, these cunts look to Hollywood and then we put on our tap dancing shoes and we raise money to go find your cow that fucking floated away or your shit that burned down or swirled away in the Wizard of Oz fucking tornado. We're always there for you. And the second we turn on, we catch on fire. You guys, ah, let it burn those fucking cunts. And then you call us phonies. Go fuck yourselves. Other 49 states in most of California. That's me. I'm sticking up for Hollywood. All right. Next week, I'm sticking up for Scientology. Yeah, maybe they did some fucked up shit,

but is it any worse than all the other religions? The way I see it, they're playing catch up. That's what I said. My buddy, oh, Scientology. That's a fake dude. Call me when they start fucking kids. All right. Reservation dogs, everybody. Oh, I did an episode of that by the way, man. By the way, the fucking, uh, the buzz on that show, if you're not watching that show, man, you're not in the end crowd. And I have like a little, little, little, little, little tiny part in that show. But like, uh, I was, I've been hearing nothing about rave reviews. They got renewed for a second season. I think before the first season even came out, they are crushing it over there. Um, they just, it's a really exciting show. And once again, somehow, somehow,

I had this, this has been my career. I never create the amazing thing unless I co-created with Mike Price and it's called efforts for family. My genius of what the fuck I do is I let other smarter people create cool shit and then somehow I parrot troupe in it for an episode or a sketch or, you know, a little, uh, you know, recurrent thing. And then I get some of that their genius stink on me and people start looking at me, you know, like my tuxedos fit me a little better, you know. All right. Reservation dogs, everybody. Hey, oh, Billy Chokadee. I hope I said that right. They told me a hundred times how to say that. And then they were like, well, even if you fuck it up, it's still funny because it fits your character. Um, thanks for the, uh,

reservation dog dogs role. Been a fan since way before that though. First time writing a dumbass message to probably Andrew. Uh, yeah, he's the one who reads these or whoever checks, uh, these things. Um, just finishing watching your episode and had a nice little cry. Oh, puss boy here, he says, I always knew you were one of the legend. You have no idea how much this show means to me. Uh, my best friend took the Daniel root in 2010. Oh no. And a few days after that, my brother got into a drinking and driving accident and didn't make it. Jesus Christ. And since then I've been pretty lost. I found the MM podcasts around 2015 and has helped me an insane amount. I even quit drinking the day you did. Get the fuck out of here. I only lasted a hundred days

though. I've done that. Yeah, but dude, you did a hundred days. So you got it in you. Um, I just wanted to finally send you a thank you note and I don't want to get, I don't want you to get too big of a head. So I'll just cut it off here. Thanks and go fuck yourself from a little res kid in Saskatchewan, Canada. P.S. I really hope you're in more than one episode. Uh, well, if I'm smart, I won't go back again because I think I pulled it off. Go back shit the bed on the next episode. It was just a fluke. Um, yeah, that's a funny thing. Yeah, I can't believe I, uh, you know, I get a lot of, you know, scripts and stuff sent my way and this was the one that really stood out, just the writing in it and the ride that they were taking people on. Um,

you know, I'm so glad I took that role. I think it's amazing to be a part of a show as great as that. And, um, and then for all actors coming up, I'm telling you, just always fuck taking the money unless you actually have to have always take the best thing. Okay. If you're always taking the money, I feel like you're stacking bricks, but if you're always taking the best thing, it's like you're building a wall. You know what I mean? Do a little comedy, do a little drama, do a little sci-fi, go back to the comedy, and then they start getting this idea that you can actually act. Okay. If you keep playing the same fucking person, churning butter, that's, that's all they see. Um, so I want to thank, uh, this person

and everybody else who watched and then I really want to thank the show and all the writers and everybody for, you know, who's getting who you just, all I have to do is say what they wrote. Stand on a piece of tape and then they edit it and they make me look great. So, and I can continue to not have a real job and never really work in life. Um, which was the goal of mine. I had real jobs. I had real jobs that I did not enjoy. That were real work. I did a little bit of landscaping. I was a, I was a fucking grunt on a construction site. I landed, I lasted like eight days on that. I was just like, I don't have it. I, I, I could, I'm smart enough that I could hang around here and eventually become competent, but I do not have a gift for this.

So I walked. Oh, Billy fucking see you later. Um, oh, by the way, when I was looking at those things, watching people rebuild transmissions, I found this amazing fucking video of a 1980 Ford F 250 that had, they found it was sat in a heated garage or warehouse for 40 years and only had 76 miles on it. It was fucking gorgeous, gorgeous. Had a couple of little scratches on it for people walking by it. I didn't really understand the story as to why it stayed that way. Um, but other than the tires just being flat from sitting there, you know, they had to get new tires on it. Um, it was gorgeous, man. Absolutely gorgeous. I don't know what it is about old pickup trucks. I can trucks and shit like that. I can

look at those things forever. I never grew out of like having Tonka trucks and being a little kid and seeing like, I thought like the guy, the milk man, the garbage man, anybody drove a truck. I thought was like the boys, they were like Paul Bunyan. Fucking amazing. Um, anyway, one of my sons going to like Tonka trucks. He's such a sweet kid. Always comes up and he gives you a hug and then if he's not doing that, he just is destroying stuff. So I feel like I have like a nice well balanced kid here. Um, supersonic air travel. Oh, I think I know what you're going to say because I saw an advertisement for it at Newark airport. Hey, Billy goat of comedy. Oh, thank you. Um, been catching up on the podcast since I discovered it a couple of years ago,

but this is my first time writing in. I heard the recent episode on 9 13 21 where you briefly talked about supersonic flight. You mentioned that it was discontinued after the crash and hasn't been used again at a commercial level. Uh, I thought he goes, since you are a fan of aviation, I thought you might be interested to know that it's actually coming back soon. I don't know if you consider this soon. United Airlines. I saw this ad actually took a picture of it and sent it to Vinnie Brandt, who's eventually going to be on this podcast, Vinnie Brand, the club owner of, uh, the stress factory. Um, we shared a common dream to fly the Concord to France or to London or whatever. And I took a picture of that and sent it to him

when I saw it. United Airlines is going to be reintroducing supersonic flight in 20 29. So that's eight years away. I will be 61 years old. Holy shit. Wow, man. 53 to 61. That's a quick, oh, that's a quick ride. Um, who gives a shit? I'm fucking enjoying myself. I don't care about, uh, age anymore as far as like, that's a great thing about becoming, if you, if you get older and you just embrace being older and just sort of let yourself become an old man, I'm not saying like, you know, give up. Um, and you understand that you have no control of aging. Even though you always know that when you truly give into that, that you can't stop time, you know, so, but no one can stop you from

enjoying it. So as long as you're enjoying it, you know, there's kind of like, I don't know, like I picture laying on my deathbed is being peaceful and smiling and thinking about all the fun that I had. That's what I'm hoping. Um, that is the goal. Uh, anyway, huge fan of everything you do. Thank you so much for all of it and congrats on your self development. You're an inspiration to other knuckleheads. I am a knucklehead. I am a recovering meathead. That's exactly what I am. Uh, like myself who wants to live their best life, basic white girl voice. I really want all you other meat heads out there to live your best life. You know, when white girls say living their best life, it means they're 100% focusing on themselves

so they can live the best life possible regardless of who has to suffer. Anyway, he says, but seriously, you and the podcast have been there for me through some rough times. I appreciate you. Thanks again and go fuck yourself. You know, that really means a lot to me that, uh, there's other people that are fucked up out there and that you get something out of this. Um, I figure it's just the fact that you hear me try it. Um, all right, let's read about supersonic flight here. Oh my God. United adding supersonic speeds with new agreement to buy aircraft from boom supersonic. Well, what do they want for a supersonic jet? Maybe me and all the podcast listeners, we can all go in. We can all go in and buy a supersonic jet.

Imagine the scheduling. It's booked for the next fucking 18 months. Chicago and Denver, June 3rd, 20, 29, 2021. Sorry, 90 years today. Oh, that's where it announced. I guess that's their hubs. Oh, would you look at that fucking sleep? It looks like a dart. Oh my God. Is that a sexy fucking plane? United will purchase 15 of boom's overture airlines. What a great name. Once overture meets United's demanding safety, operating and sustainability requirements with an option for an additional 35 aircrafts. The companies will work together on meeting those requirements before delivery. Once operational, overture is expected to be the first large commercial aircraft to be net zero carbon from day one. Can you buy stock in this company? Optimized to run on

100% sustainable aviation fuel. SAF is slated to roll out in 2025, fly in 2026 and expected to carry passengers by 2029. United and boom will also work together to accelerate production of greater supplies of SAF, sustainable aviation fuel. Isn't that exciting? Where would this fly? You know what's funny? I'm going to keep doing stand up until you can fly supersonic anyway. Anywhere. Just go to fucking Des Moines, Iowa. Supersonic is like north of what speed? That's breaking the speed of sound, which we all know is speed of sound supersonic. The speed of sound is 768 miles an hour. So just remember, 678, except you flip seven and six, 768, 768 miles an hour, which means you could get,

you know, once you get up to that speed, you could fly across the country. I would think in about three hours as the crow flies, right? The Mach number is the ratio of the speed of the aircraft to the speed of sound. Okay, let's learn about Mach. Let's come on people, let's do this. Mach speed explained. All right. By definition, Mach number is a ratio of the speed of a body, parentheses, aircraft to the speed of sound in the undisturbed medium through which the body is traveling. Undisturbed medium through which the body, how is it undisturbed? You know, there's the friction of the air it's flying through. All right. Is it, it is said that the aircraft is flying Mach 1 if the speed is equal to the speed of sound?

Okay, so then is Mach 2 twice the speed of sound? Well, now they're saying speed of sound is 717 miles an hour. All right, why do I try to be smart? All right, 31 year old virgin, honeymoon advice. Hey Bill, I'm a lady listener and enjoy your advice section of your podcast the most. I have an idea for you. You should reboot the 40 year old virgin and make it a fucking woman. That's what you got to do. My fiance and I are both from California. Just in case you think we are from the Bible Belt region. I didn't. I didn't. There's a lot of virgins that are that, you know, either through religious beliefs or maybe you got touched when you were a kid. You don't like being touched and you're a late bloomer. You know, there's people

that are asexual. There's just, you know, there's a whole bunch of shit that could have happened. I don't judge anybody when it comes to that stuff. All right, we met two years ago and finally getting married by the end of this year. We both are fairly conservative. Hence, we've both never done it before. What is your advice for two 31 year old virgins who will finally do it for the first time on their honeymoon? Oh my God, this is two rookie quarterbacks facing off in week one. Have a nice day with your family. Oh, number one, don't put any pressure on yourselves. This is both your first rodeos. I would say have fun and you don't really have to do it the first night. If it's too much, if you're freaking out or whatever you could start, I would just both of you, you know,

just talk about before you do it. This is a monumental thing for you if you waited this long. And I would just, yeah, just really be like fucking, you know, the whole thing in relationship from ground zero up is you have to be communicating. So I don't have any advice. You're going to figure it out. It's nature. You're going to figure it out. Just have fun. Enjoy yourself. You're not enjoying yourself. Just say, you know, maybe maybe we do it the next time or whatever. Just, you know, just, I mean, this is above my pay grade here, people. Like I don't, I don't know what, okay? It's a beautiful thing. You guys are going to enjoy yourselves. And I think about, you know, a week into it, you know, you're probably both going to have a difficulty holding down a job

because you're going to be one of the bank. So congratulations to both of you. Have fun. All right. Girlfriend tried to break up with me. Hey, Bill from over the hill. Oh man, I watched this fucking, you know, my wife likes watching the murder shows before she goes to bed, just like that great SNL sketch. She either watches that or she watches dumb reality. So we had on this, I swear to God, a game show about reality shows. It was the stupidest fucking thing. People sit there and somebody goes like, we'll say, like one of the reality show stars says something to the other cast members and they bleep out the word so you can't see what it is. And then you have to try and guess. They tell you what the word was and then you say true or

false. I swear to God. I was like, I can't watch this shit. So she puts on this fucking murder show. And it's just of this beautiful, I'll fast forward through all of this shit. This beautiful girl gets killed by some fucking creep she meets online. And it turns out this creep is one of these kids who can't get fucking laid. They used to be called nerds. Now they've, they're like Halliburton, they gave themselves a new fucking name. All right. And, you know, I don't know what their deal is. They end up getting mad at these women because they can't get laid. You know, when I was a kid, it was called a slump. Everybody went through a slump. So if you're out there right now, the last thing you want to do is start hating women because you're just going to be turning them

off and now you're trying too hard. All right. You got to go watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High. You don't care if she comes, stays, lays a praise. There you got the attitude, right? You got a fucking self a little vibe, you know, these fucking lunatics. This kid goes out and he kills this poor girl and then like he took video of him doing it in pictures and these fucking assholes online were sending it to her parents. And what fucking killed me is there's no protection for the parents and then the people that were writing mean shit when they showed them mean tweets, they're blurring out their Twitter handles. Like, so you're protecting the assholes and not the parents. It was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen. And that's the last thing we

watch and then we go to bed. It's like, what, what the? I just don't know. I just looked at my wife. I was like, well, that was uplifting. Yeah, I really like humanity now. Big fan of people. Girlfriend tried to break up with me. Hey, Bill, from over the hill, I was dating this girl. Everything was going well for the first few months until the red flag started to show up. It seemed everywhere we went in her hometown, she had a story how she and her ex had sex in that particular place. She told you that? Oh, Jesus, dude, I mean, you got to walk when that happens. All right. Could you, could you be saying that to her? Hey, my last girlfriend, whose boobs were just a little bigger than yours, I bent her over that fucking rock over there.

What, what, what did I say? All right, he goes on to say, I don't know about anyone else, but the last thing you want to hear on a date with your girlfriend at the local pizza, pizza joint is how she used to bang it out with old Dick and Harry on the same counter as they rolled out the dough. Yeah, when I explained this, bother me, she said how I was jealous and needed to get over myself. Yeah, this is a toxic fucking person that is hurting you and now is blaming the victim. Dude, this is like a fucking no brainer. Just, I don't even need to read the rest of this. I will. That this is, this is one of the easiest decisions. A few months went by and one day she told me some lady on social media was massaging her. No messaging is what you wanted to write.

Asking if we were together, but would not disclose who it was. I told her I had no clue who would do such a thing. Later she claimed it was an old coworker of mine, but it seemed out of character for that particular person. So I didn't follow up the next few months. I would start to receive strains messages on this is this your psycho girlfriend doing this to you the next month, a few months pretending to be somebody else. The next few months I would start to receive strange messages on social media and through text messages from girls claiming they met me on dating apps and wanted to see how I was doing. I didn't respond to any of these. Yeah, this is your psycho girl. She's got a burner phone. Jesus Christ, this is some fucking

Glenn closed fatal attraction shit. Then one day my girlfriend once again claimed someone had messaged her on social media. This time the person claimed I was unfaithful, which started a huge fight between us where she had asked me if I had been seeing anyone while we were dating. I told her I had not, but when we initially met, I was talking to someone else, but had stopped once we started seeing each other more exclusively. She claimed this was cheating and she had lied about someone messaging her because she wanted to prove I'm a no good scumbag and we broke up. Well, there you go, dude. And listen, let her think that this is how you break up with the psycho. Okay, you're a no good scumbag. Just like, you know, act like you're fighting her, but let her

win. And then she leaves, change your number, change the locks, maybe change your zip code. Just get the fuck out of it. Anyways, a few days after I decided to contact my former coworker to ask if my then girlfriend had ever contacted her. She said nobody had ever messaged her. She didn't even know I was dating. By this point, I found out my ex was already in a relationship with her ex. Oh, that's great. Okay, so she just used that as a way to get a break. Wow, how fucking elaborate. This is why they got to teach people kids how to break up with people. If I was ever a junior high or a high school teacher, I would say, hey, listen, you guys are in the beginning of dating. It's great. But one of the things that I wish they told me

is how to break up with somebody and just say, listen, we need to talk. You sit down and talk and you say, listen, I'm not happy in this. Okay, I'm just not happy. I like you, but I don't like you enough to keep going. And you just get that information out there. And then they cry and they flip out and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but you don't back down from how you feel. And then that's it. I'm not happy. And you just get the fuck out of it. You get out of it. Instead of having to create phony accounts. Anyway, by this point, I found out my ex was already in a relationship with her ex. She would always brag about banging in all these locations. Yeah. Yeah. So she probably cheated on you. And this fucking guy probably cheated on her.

And he'll cheat on her again. But guess what? You're out of it. You're you've been extracted from the situation like an undercover cop who, you know, they get too close and they have to pull you off the fucking case. You're out. You're out. Anyway, he goes, I think it's safe to say she made up contacting my family, my former coworker. Absolutely. And I also believe she had been the one contacting me from the strange number in social media accounts. Absolutely. What do you think, Bill? Was she behind all of this in an effort to end the relationship? Yes. And she's bat shit crazy. Okay. And she's going to go back to that fucking other dude that the only reason why he's banging her is because she's bat shit crazy

and it's fucking wild in the rack. Okay. But neither you or him want to have kids until she with with anything like that until that thing figures out what the fuck it is. All right. That's a wild animal. Okay. You have to see when they get an animal in a fucking trap. Right. And they fix it. And then they try to set it free. And it fucking jumps out of the cage and then jumps into the cab and starts scratching up the driver or the fucking doctor that helped. That's what the fuck you had. Let that thing run into the forest. That is it. And I'll tell you, wherever you met that woman, do not meet your next girlfriend there. You're going to need to start fishing in a different pond. Wow, man. Fucking psycho. You dodged a bullet. You dodged

a bullet. Anybody that ends up with that, if she stays where she is and doesn't grow as a person or figure out what the fuck is wrong with her, dude, I mean, dude, you will, you will hold in like nuclear waste in your fucking hand and you know, this other guy's carrying it now. Good for him. Have fun, buddy. Have fun. I am out. See you later. Seacrest out. All right. Girlfriend dresses like a whore. All right, dear Bill. Yeah, you can't, you're not allowed really like people stop clothes, shaming her. And it's like, well, you do. I mean, I would love to interview like a prostitute and just be like, you know, with all the mainstream women dressing like prostitutes now, is it hard to like, you know, figure out what you're going to wear every night? All right,

dear Bill, first time writer, long time listener. I've been listening to a girl for three years and she's getting antsy about us taking the next step. She's awesome. A great conversationalist and gorgeous. So what's the issue? You might ask, well, Bill, she dresses like a whore. I'll go fuck yourself, dude. You've been with her for three years. You've been with her for three fucking years. Did she just start dressing like a whore? Because if this has always been an issue, you've been wasting her time. But if you're young, I understand, because you know, not a great couple of people and you start thinking, well, will I ever get one as pretty as this again? Maybe I can make myself love her. Anyways, well, Bill, she dresses like a whore. Now I know this might sound

judgmental, but I don't, I don't mean it to, dude, having a gorgeous woman woman that dresses like a whore is a situation for a guy when you go out in public. All right. Cause she's going to attract male attention and somebody, one of those asshole guys is going to cross a fucking line. And then all of a sudden you got to step up like you got fucking Steven Seagal, you know, skills, right? Is that too old? Joe Rogan skills. All right. There you go. I updated it. Okay. Not comparing Joe's fucking art to his, I don't, I'm not in that world. All right. Both of them can kick my ass. Okay. There we go. All right. So what's the issue you might ask? Okay. All right. She dresses like whore. However, I want you to imagine the worst case scenario on this one. When I first met her,

I thought this was a one time thing, but every day she wears skirts that end at the top of her ass, see through tops that show her nipples or short shorts with no panties that reveal her vagina. She even went to a costume party and only body paint and a thong. Buddy, she's been doing this the whole time. She's been doing this the whole time. So evidently, you've been having fun, but now you're like, I don't want the mother of my kids walking down the street with her clam hanging up. Is that what the issue is? Anyway, I don't believe men should tell women what to wear. Why women tell guys what to wear all the fucking time. You're going to wear that. You need to update your wardrobe. I mean, what is this? My favorite

shirt. Get rid of it. But she dresses like this in front of my friends and male relatives. And I feel as if I've gotten to the point where it's emasculating for me. I 100% understand that. My friends stared her like they want to fuck her despite me standing right there. The way she dresses attracts the worst attention. Absolutely. And I've almost been in countless fights because of it. Yes. Guys have tried grabbing her even while I'm staying there and I'm a big guy. She claims that men are the problem and that it's just nudity. Furthermore, she claims that she can dress how she wants because a man doesn't own her. Yeah, all of that is true. She can dress how she wants. A man doesn't own her. This is all about how you feel about it. And if this is

a deal breaker for you, I would get the fuck out of this. This isn't new either. She told me that her mother has been screaming at her, her entire life to put on clothes, trying to understand her. I guess that she might be a nudist that prefers spaces where you don't have to wear clothes. Well, yeah, if she's in there, I would think that that's a safer space because everybody's naked. You're all on the same playing field. Are there less perverts at a nudist place because the guys balls are right there? He doesn't even have underwear and pants to block the kick. I mean, the nuts are just hanging out. I would think that you'd be on your best behavior. I offered to take her there, but she replied that she only liked to be naked in places where she's not supposed to be.

All right, so she gets off on it. All right, this is like her thing. So you either have to be okay with this or you got to what? Judging by your answer, I've told her that if she were a man that loved to show his genitals, she would be labeled a pervert. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know. But also, you got to look at how we're set up anatomically. Is that the right word? How our shit is? Our shit's hanging. We put our thing in somebody. So that's why their receiver, we are the, I'm the decider, the doer. I'm so involved with my idea. I think it comes down to this. He says, she has mentioned several times that she needs to be the center of attention, which sounds like a bit of narcissism. Yeah, dude, you can't marry this. This is a fucking

nightmare. Anyway, is it too much to add? This is the type of person that's going to have kids and is going to be competing with the attention of, if you have a girl, she's going to be, first of all, she'll be dressing her girl like a fucking, your girl like a whore. All right. And then when your daughter gets into her teen years, she's then going to start competing with her and there's going to be a fucking nightmare. Anyway, I'm just, this is, I don't have any fucking degree in anything here other than talking shit, but this is what I'm guessing. Anyway, is it too much to ask that I want to be the only one who sees her naked vagina? No, it isn't. Should I stay with her and deal with the constant negative attention from friends and onlookers or cut bait and potentially lose an

awesome person? Otherwise, dude, I never heard you say in any of this that you love her. I think she's fucking smoking hot. And the exact fucking reason you walked up to her is the exact thing that's driving you away, which, you know, whatever you're going to say about that, it's just like, dude, that's not, it sounds to me like you don't want your mother, the mother of your kids doing that. Yeah. You know, she has the right to do that. Absolutely. And you know what she needs to do? She needs to go out and find a man that's strong enough to have to fight half the fucking bar every time you go up to go pick up a fucking pizza. Yeah, dude, I can't tell you something, man. My wife is as cool as it fucking comes. All right. And marriage is still a lot of work,

especially when you have kids. If you're already having these fucking issues, if you're already having these issues and you're not even fucking married yet, dude, it's not going to get any easier. Okay. And I also think somebody like this is not going to age well in that they're not going to accept aging. All right. And then what you're going to have is somebody with a Botox clam hanging out of the bottom of their fucking mom jeans that they decided to cut off when you're going over there for a fucking play date, dude, you don't need this shit. Okay. So I would break up with her and just say, yeah, listen, yeah, the way you dress, I can't handle it anymore. And but I don't want to tell you how to dress.

I think you should be free to dress the way you want to dress. But I think you need to go out and find a man that is comfortable with that. And then if she tries to be like, well, I don't want to lose you. I'll only dress like half a whore. No, don't do that. Because now she's being what she isn't. Okay. And now you're doing to her what most women do to men, which is they try to change you into what the fuck they want rather than finding what they want, which is what you need to do. Okay. This, look, you're doing something right. If she's gorgeous and you landed it, you can land another gorgeous woman that doesn't walk around with the fucking tits and ass hanging out. All right. And you're not into it. So you answered your own question. So I would fucking

walk. I would walk and then, you know, I don't want to predict this, but you might lose another one of your friends. Once she becomes single. And you know, something dude, she can fucking have her. All right. He can have her. I've been there too. I've been there too. And you know what you do when you handle that? You just be really cool. He'd be really fucking cool with your buddy. And it'll drive her nuts. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I will talk to you. Check in on you on Thursday. Oh, here's my prediction. Even though I didn't take them. I like Green Bay tonight, Monday night football. And I'm going to tell you why they got their asses whipped last week by the Saints. The Saints showed up and got their asses

kicked against Carolina. They had a let down game. And I think the Packers bounce back because I was watching the NFL and Bill Cower, Phil Sims, boomer, Cieson, Jim Brown, the Burleson guy, they all fucking read him the riot act that he looked like he was on the sideline and he didn't even give a shit anymore. So I think they lit a candle under his ass and he's going to come out firing it. And I take the Packers, which I didn't. But by the way, also I went one and three this week. So why would you listen to me? All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday.