Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-21-15

Episode Date: September 21, 2015

Bill rambles about Count Chocula, Yachting and Rape.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. September 21st, 2015, what's going on? How are you doing? I just yelled at like, you know, like your mom would yell down the street, Jeffrey, come to fucking dinner. Remember that shit when you could play outside? You know, without adult supervision, because people weren't afraid that was a fucking pedophile behind every goddamn tree. Remember that shit? Your mom would come out, we had like a dinner bell and you and your 12 brothers and sisters would come running up the fucking driveway like cattle. You don't remember that shit? Yeah, you guys all just fucking you just the day started the day fucking started, right? Your mother would just open the door like,

get the fuck out of here. Get out. That was like parenting back then during summer vacation. They just open the door and they let you outside. They did the same thing with their dogs. There was no leash law or anything. You just had like neighborhood dogs. They just fucking walked around. And that's the same thing they did with kids. They just opened the door, get out, go outside and play, come back at lunch, right? After lunch, you go back out again, you know, and then be all right, come back out, come back when the street lights come on, come back, you know, it gets dark or whatever. Watch your little brother. That was it. I think parenting was a lot easier back in the day because you were allowed to just send your kids outside. It's having them

standing in the backyard like those fucking llamas. You ever see that shit? You drive down the street and you see a fucking llama. There's so many goddamn llamas in this country. I don't understand it. They're not indigenous to this country. And I don't know what how people are making money off of them. You don't know, you don't ever see that shit in the grocery store, do you? You know, lamb's llama steaks, llama shanks, something that fucking guy in with the shrimp boat in that fucking movie with Tom Hanks when he had this George Stalin haircut, Joseph, Joseph Stalin, Forrest Gump. I don't know. What the fuck am I telling you? You can just fucking send your kids outside. All right, all right, get outside. You filled them up with

sugary cereal and you just sent them outside. And then you went outside, you ran around and you just ran into other kids. And then somebody had a book of matches and then you just lit the woods on fire. Basically, I mean, I'm fast forwarding through most of my childhood experiences, but that's basically what you did. They just fucking let you out. That seems pretty cool to me. If you were a stay at home mother, right, you got four fucking kids, you're going out of your mind. You're going out of your mind, right? Your husband goes to work every day. What's he do? He's a milkman. He's a postman. He's something that has a man at the end of it, right? Because jobs were for fucking men back then, right? They had it figured out. Hey, sugar tits, you stay,

you stay home with the kids. Hey, don't you back talk me? I have a penis. You shut your face, quit your crying, quit your crying in front of the kids. You fucking stay home. All right. What are you crying about? Didn't I buy you an oversized jar of fluff another in the cabinet? What do you got to do? Huh? You got to grab some fucking white bread out of a bag. You got to take off the twisty tie. That's a big party of fucking day you bitching about. I got to deliver milk to everybody. It's in fucking glass bottles. Do you have much pressure that is? Right? He just fucking leaves her at home. He goes off to work. He's a fucking milkman or a postman. And somehow we can, he can afford a house because the bankers were actually semi-regulated back

then. The upper 1% the fucking lunatics up there that fuck each other at these parties wearing owl masks and what and whatnot. Something with horns on it. Right? Walking around wearing sheets. These fucking guys, the middle class, you could actually, you could, you could have a stay at home mother, stay at home wife. So you went off to work in your fucking truck and your silly little uniform looking like a character actor on Alice. Right? And then she fucking stayed home. What does she do? Everybody gets up. She's like, Oh, Jesus Christ, right? She takes out a pack of fucking Paul Miles, some cools, maybe some Marlboro's, whatever the fuck she's some Winston's. The fuck did what the fuck did women smoke back then? You know, it's so funny.

There's so many comics out there that do jokes about what black people smoke, Paul Miles and cools and all that that I don't even know what white people were Marlboro's Winston Salem lights. Is that what it was? My parents never smoked. I don't fucking know. So whatever you take out a cigarette, right? So you got your bathrobe on, you got your fucking weight all on one leg with your hand on the same hip. Right? Steering yourself up a cup of Joe, all your maniac kids come down the stairs or up the stairs and maybe halfway up the stairs if you live and then they're on a landing at the front door if you lived in a split entry. I don't fucking know. I never stood the split entry. You know what I mean? The split entry is the house version of

you ever see those people that have like really long torsos. They have the torso of a six foot four person but the legs of a jockey. You know what I mean? That blue collar body. I always tease Rich Voss. He's got that body long ass fucking torso on these little doll legs. Right? Just that blue collar body. You're just built for picking up boxes. You don't even have to bend over. You just fucking your arms almost dragging on the fucking ground. Well, the split entry, that's the house version of that body. So anyway, she makes you a fucking fluff another sandwich. No, that's the lunch. I'm sorry. She fucking pulls out. What do you guys want? You want frankenberry, cocoa bear, chocolate berry? No, count chocolate, frankenberry or blueberry. Whatever the fuck you

had. It turned the milk the color of the goddamn cereal. You ate that shit. She let you watch a couple of cartoons. She finishes off for fucking cigarette stomps it out and that fucking ass tray and then that's it. All right, go outside and play. Go outside and play. What the fuck did she do all day? Kids are outside, running around meeting other kids playing with matches, right? Stealing playboys. Simple shit. There's no cell phones. There's no iPads. There's no fucking overhead. What did you have to buy your kid for toys back then? There was nothing. Tonka truck, where that set you back? Tonka truck and a book of matches. I mean, you were set for the fucking summer. So anyway, I don't want to fuck. I'm talking to even get on this thing.

Oh, because I screamed the podcast like a mother yelling. That's right down the fucking street. You know, nowadays you got to sit there and you got to watch these little fuckers 24 seven. Make sure they don't bump into anything. They all have cell phones. You know what I mean? Like they're working on Wall Street. You know, I don't fucking know who knows. They'll probably start microchipping them soon. You know, somebody sent me an article about this, uh, this healthcare provider somewhere over in Europe that was giving out this band that had a microchip in it and it tracked everybody that was in. They were testing it out to track people that were insured by this healthcare provider. And it basically tracked your activity throughout the day. You know,

and if you were just sitting around like a lump of shit, they were like, all right, this fucker is going to have a heart attack. We're raising his rates. And it's totally that George Orwell. Is it Orwell? Or do you make the popcorn? No, that was Orwell Red and Barker. I don't fucking know that Orwellian. I'm going to use that hacky thing. Slippery slope into the Orwellian, something or other, right? And they were saying that they tried this fucking basically microchipping people out, microchipping people out, tested, tested trying the microchipping people, right? And that they said they had an overwhelmingly positive response to it. Well, of course you did. Of course you did. Because most normal people would be like,

you want to do what? Go fuck yourself. That's creepy. I don't want you to do it. And then, guess what? They're not in the study. Then what do you do? You find some fucking jerk-offs that don't have two nickels to rub together and you say, listen, we'll get you a fucking ham sandwich with some cheese on it and whatever kind of chips you want with it. If you wear this fucking bracelet, like all you gotta do is wear the brats. All you got to do, they're stupid. And in the end, they get a sandwich out of it. Of course they're going to say they enjoyed it. This is the thing about getting microchipped in the future. It's inevitable that it's going to happen because as much as people are going to fight it, as many people that fight it and don't want it there, you

cannot, you cannot overcome the sea of mouth-breathing fucking buffalo, wild wing fucking morons that are out there. There's way too many of them and they will walk towards the light every fucking time. All they got to do is flip on the switch whatever direction they want the herd to go in and they just start walking towards it. They just start walking towards it. They don't give a fuck. And this is the greatest thing about all of it. If you're one of the people running shit, right, is the mouth-breathing moron's opinion is held with the same level of importance as somebody who's actually intelligent or informed. You know what I mean? The guy who sits there going, dude, why do I give a fuck if they know whether or not I had a slurpee or not? I ain't doing nothing.

That's just as much fucking right and just as much say as someone, excuse me, who's who's fucking informed. You know, that's when they take the Constitution seriously and that everybody has rights. That's when the upper 1% listen to it and they go, hey, hey, wait a minute, don't be an elitist, right? But then when it comes to the other shit, when it's advantageous on the other than all of a sudden, no, no, no, you don't have as much say as I do, right? You know, I was on a plane, right? I'm in Austin, Texas right now getting ready to do two wonderful shows here in this bat-infested town. Somebody had left in the pocket in the seat in front of me, right? Whatever, the Seapark in front of me, this book on a magazine that was just dedicated to yachting.

And I got to tell you, it was one of the most fascinating fucking magazines I've ever read in my life. I don't know shit about the sea. I don't know shit about boats, but just looking at this magazine, knowing that there's like people that read that magazine getting to be like, yeah, you know what, I'm going to buy that yacht. So in the yacht world, what I learned, okay, and this is someone who doesn't know the difference between port and starboard. I'm going to guess port is right hand. No, left. Left is port, right is starboard. Because you read left or right, but they always make right above left in a religious way, right? He sat on the right hand of the father could go either way. Bows up front, sterns in the back, port and starboard.

I don't fucking know. I think port's left. Sounds really quick port left devil, right? Fuck you, you don't card starboard. Oh, that's what we all are. Anyways, we plow ahead here. The whole fucking thing was about the size of your goddamn boat. Who's got the biggest fucking boat? And how big can these boats get? So right now, the biggest one out there, I've already forget the name of it. And that's another thing too, the names of the boat are just as entertaining as trying to understand how somebody has $300 million for a fucking boat. It doesn't immediately get out of it. It's a fucking boat. That is just an absolute money pit. The second you buy that fucking thing, there is nothing you can do with that boat to me. I guess you could rent it out,

you know, to Jay Z and Beyonce. God knows they're always out on a fucking boat, right? Dressed in all white linens. How could you make fucking money off of that? This thing was like the biggest one they had was almost 600 fucking feet. And what I learned is that basically a yacht cost a million a meter. Now we're going from standard to metric. And I've just completely fucked myself here. But as far as I know, that fucking boat, but basically it costs like what what, what Seinfeld made when the entire series went into syndication, all of that money, half a billion dollars for a fucking boat. And then you got to have like a, you need like 100 people just to run it. That's the funniest shit. So even when you're on it, like, honey,

let's just take the boat out just you and us, you know, let's reconnect just you and us, you and, uh, send a hundred other fucking people, right? It's like you're doing an episode of the love boat, but nobody else showed up except for the fucking the whole crew. It's got to be weird knowing they're all listening to your fucking, right? Some guy, you know, 200 fucking yards away, wherever the fuck he is with a big dumb tall hat, making you a sandwich. He's got all this extra food. It's just for you and your wife. Um, anyways, I was reading that. I was just like, how the fuck could anybody legally make enough money? And I was trying to think of the ways. Well, you could start Facebook. Even then that dude from Facebook, what is he worth?

Let's say he's worth $3 billion. Are you going to blow half a billion on a boat? That's still a sizable chunk of your fucking fortune. You know, it was the coolest part of the magazine was on the front. Like, you know, it was somebody's personal magazine, obviously, and there was where like the address was supposed to be. It was, it was taken away, it was torn off. And I was like, well, I was wondering like where they lived, you know, 666 Illuminati Court, Connecticut, someplace in Connecticut, I always feel like the Illuminati lives in Connecticut, right? And then they like helicopter into Manhattan.

No, it doesn't even make any noise. They got some stealth helicopters. I'm really going off the fucking rails here, aren't I? So you got to be asking yourself, well, Bill, well, you know, you're sitting there crying poor house, why the fuck are you sitting in the section of the plane that has yachting magazines left behind? You know why? Because I did 23 years on the fucking road and I got miles, baby. I got status. I got status. Fuck you. I flew in the back of the plane for 20 fucking years with you goddamn animals. Okay, and I got the fucked up left knee to prove it. I'm never sitting back there again with you animals. I swear to God, I'm never doing it again. You know, why? Because I think you're too good. I'm too good for you.

Anyways, let's get to the let's do some reads here. Now I got to fucking type in my goddamn password. What the fuck? I hate how you got to have some capitals in there too, you know, because then what, you know, then it takes for fucking ever and ever and ever and then he Well, how the fuck is that every time I go to type in my password is fucking wrong. No, and I left it on the capitals. This is how long it takes me for me to type them. I'm still trying to do it. And now I'm sitting and see this is how fucking dumb I am. And I sit at the front of the plane now. That should give you hope that I do it right now. Wait a second. All right, capital. No, capital. There we go. No capital.

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all right so let's get back to the podcast here uh let's talk football do what a satisfying weekend that was for me as a football fan everybody first of all saturday night I went to a uh went to a wonderful wedding and uh afterwards we went to the after party we were in a fucking sports bar and um and we wasn't we were on the island of Nantucket and uh I got to watch from the third quarter on I got to watch Mississippi all miss uh beat Alabama the dream is tonight I got to watch them beat them and I don't know why it is so much fucking fun to watch Alabama lose like I've said I don't hate them I actually like Nick Saban but

there's something about him you don't it's just like how everybody hates the Patriots I get it I get it we've won too much we're fucking annoying you know I actually met somebody that was you know we were talking about all that that Patriots cheating shit and he brought up some other fucking great ones evidently there's there's pictures of Jerry Jones the owner of the fucking Dallas Cowboys getting off a party box hammered with like the head guy of all officiating in the NFL and I just laughed thinking if there was a picture of Robert Kraft doing that how long that fucking story would last um that in that time the Cowboys got caught with uh for collusion with the Redskins to keep their free agents signings down so they could feel better teams I mean they just you know

that's fine that's not cheating it's all good it's all good it's just the Patriots um anyways uh so I got to watch them um lose what a fucking game man and the pictures of the fucking Alabama fans when they would cut to the crowd when they were starting to sense that they were gonna lose like you just have to respect how much it means the look at devastate you see that kid who was just fucking like dude who was just bent over at the fucking wall I thought he was dead it just I watched that shit and I just fucking that's why I love sports because it's so fucking stupid that we give a shit to that goddamn level yet we do and um I love watching SEC football because I don't know there's a level of passion of the fans and I know I break the Alabama fans

balls I don't give a fuck if you win another championship I actually kind of one way want to see save and do it and win the most just to see just so I can say that I watched the uh the greatest college coach of all time but in the meantime every time you play I can't root for you if I look if I was born in Alabama you know in a crimson tide country and I was raised a fucking Alabama fan and I went through that brutal period after Bear Bryant left and that program went into the shitter and I suffered through all those years then I could be excited about them being good again but I can't come from a pro sports fucking town and just jump on the bandwagon but what I can do is fucking root for the underdog which I did so congratulations to Ole Miss um

I can't imagine how fucking crazy you guys went celebrating in Mississippi I hope it didn't gradually turn into a fucking race riot and you guys just you know wanting to start the fucking civil war again hopefully you kept it tame you know what I mean just tipped over a couple of cars and burned down some old trees or whatever the fuck you do down there but I got to watch that and I was actually traveling to Austin and I got to watch the first quarter of the Patriots game and um you know it was just it was just fucking great just watching you know we're gonna be the loudest fans and then having nothing to cheer about because all of a sudden it's 21 seven Patriots after the builds just walked down the fucking field totally fucking enjoyed that

and once again this has nothing to do with Bill's fans it just has to do with the fact that the amount of shit that Bill Belichick gets for having no personality you know like these fucking sports journalists don't know exactly what Belichick's doing they know that he's figured them out they know it and he's not gonna let him in he's not giving him any billboard bulletin board material I should say and uh Rex Ryan they always be oh you know this guy you know he's not afraid to say what's on his mind that's how they paint him they just egg him on to keep saying dumb things you know what I mean I don't for the life of me I don't know why Rex Ryan talks the level of shit that he does but I'm so happy that he does it I'm so happy that he does it it's just like

there you go Rex there you go piss off Tom Brady see how that works for you how does almost 500 yards passing how does that feel this morning there Rex keep talking shit you know what it is I really feel because his level of insecurity outweighs actually even winning the game that he has to shout down his own fucking demons um haven't said that you know as much as I give Rex shit I know he's a great coach I can't say great he doesn't want a Super Bowl so he's he's a he's a really good coach and um and he does he has a great defense and I you know they're gonna make their adjustments I think actually next game will actually be even closer obviously it's kind of weird like his his shit talking made that a close game because the Patriots rather than just handing

the ball off and running out the fucking clock we kept throwing the fucking ball because it wasn't enough to beat them by 21 fucking points we wanted to beat him by 28 at 35 so actually his shit talking if you looked at the end of the game the fact that you know the game wasn't that fucking close you know that it was that we only won by eight we kicked the shit out of them and then like dopes we kept throwing the fucking ball um putting us in a position to give it right back to him which we did um and then you go into the pre-vent and then all of a sudden this fucking inept quarterback who throws the ball fucking 90 feet over everybody's fucking head all day long all of a sudden looks like Joe Montana so um I don't know I'm psyched that that happened and um

you know I hope you know when the Patriots go to play him again I hope Rex talks a bunch more shit which you know he will which will get the Patriots even more motivated to beat them I just don't understand it in these stupid fucking if you really listen to the guy he's not saying anything the players on his team they're not saying anything it's they're just stating the obvious you know we're not afraid okay they're not going to just step off the bus and we're going to give them the win you know we we're coming out there to compete oh are you did you not compete let did last week you didn't try it's a fucking NFL you should be doing that every fucking week to steal Kevin McHale's great quote way back in the day

when he played for the Celtics I remember you know they were in some playoff series and they kicked the shit out of the other team the first game and then some of the other team starts talking shit going you know we're not fucking around they better be ready because next game we're coming we're coming and Kevin McHale goes you should be doing that every night this is the NBA fucking hilarious anyways so there you go keep talking shit everybody out there and uh Buffalo fans my condolences you know what I mean I know Rex is a very charismatic guy and you fucking you wanted to believe him you wanted to believe him I know I know you did you know what's great about the Patriots winning is now I don't have to hear from shred and Reagan

out there in Buffalo and I hope somebody sends you this this this fucking clip there fellas how you guys doing how many times did you guys almost fucking set up a phone call with me shred and Reagan two of my favorite people in the in the radio biz here you know as I travel the country these fucking guys are always they only call me when Buffalo beats you know what do you got you got the Sabres in the bills you don't got a lot out there if they beat the Bruins in like a playoff series which I can't remember when that fucking happened or if the pay the pay the bills would be this like twice I remember when when Drew Bledsoe went to the bills and they won that bet that home game when they beat the crap out of us I got a I got a phone

call then and then when there was one other time it's it's hilarious and all they do is just talk about what a piece of shit Bill Belichick is and all that I just laugh at him so I'm I gotta think after that opening drive when you went 80 yards went right down the field you have your index finger was was quiver it we got a column we got a column hit send hit send wait a minute wait a minute Patriots go right down the field give you all the old right there Fred three and out go right back down the field another right there Fred right another three and out for you guys are a pick whatever the hell it was Malcolm Butler's amazing interception Malcolm Butler right it's fucking wonderful so uh anyways I gotta tell you you

gotta put Matt Castle in you know what I mean Matt Castle did great with us when he was managing the Patriots while Tom Brady was out right so I still don't think you know if we go and play the bills again that we definitely win the game because they got Matt Castle I still think uh and I know that Rex is a good enough coach if he has if he has a good defense but I think the great thing's gonna be if he just keep just keep talking shit Rex keep talking shit you know dumb it is to talk shit in a professional sports league you know what I mean like you're actually intimidating somebody else those are professionals they're not afraid of you and your neutral system Rex they don't give a fuck oh you're gonna blitz all right so whatever so I got to watch that shit and that

was very enjoyable for me um and it was wonderful I got a bunch of tweets from fucking Buffalo fans taking on the personality of their head coach and just watch to watch them slowly drop off after that opening drive you know it's so funny and then to watch them slowly come back as we almost fucked up the end of the game and then to just watch them disappear again it was really enjoyable you know it's like when I was in Nantucket hearing the surf that's all it is that beginning sound is Bill's fans before the game that end sound is them at the end so anyways uh oh freckles has got to get back on the wagon so I um I'm totally off my diet I drank like a fish last week like a maniac to the point yesterday

when I was walking through the airport I had like heartburn and everything like that because I ate stuff that I had not eaten in the entire time I was uh you know dieting trying to lose the weight I was drinking beers I was smoking cigars I was eating chips ice cream the whole wedding cake the whole fuck I just chowed and um so yesterday was was the big day well yesterday I was like uh you know I'm gonna be traveling all day in airports so you know I'm not going to eat healthy so I just was like all right well let's let's we got a three-headed monster here we got sugar salt and booze going on right now let's chop one head off so it's just like all right no booze today so um and I'm doing this run of dates through Texas so there's some friends coming out

tonight so tonight I'm gonna have a couple of drinks the rest of the week I'm having none and then in Toronto I have some friends up there and I'll probably have a couple of drinks but the second that is over I am back on the wagon again um for at least until mid-october if not until the night of the Madison Square Garden show depending on how I feel um I actually think this is what I'm gonna do I'm gonna go after this this thing is over I'm drinking two times on this trip then I'm back on the wagon except for on October 17th um I'm back on the wagon until Madison Square Garden that's how it's going down October 17th why why are you gonna drink that day because I'm going to uh I'm going to fucking Notre Dame USC I'm starting to run a dates through the Midwest to get ready

for the Madison Square Garden show and uh why not start it off at arguably the most legendary football program in the country all right the Notre Dame fighting Irish so legendary they've been on national television even though they've sucked every fucking weekend for the last 15 years they've been on the on the on the tube so I'm going to that game so um and when I get I'm gonna try to eat as well as I can on this tour when I get back I'm going right back to that psycho fucking diet because uh it took me two goddamn long and too much bullshit to lose all this fucking weight that uh I don't want to go back so uh and you know what's helping me is to actually tell you guys that I'm doing it because if I don't tell you if I just do this in my head then I can slack

off there's nobody give you to give me shit but if I tell you guys that I'm gonna do it then you guys can turn the tables on me and be like hey Bill we're just checking on you you know to see how you're doing there um all right so anyways when I was um here's another thing I'm done with fish I'm not eating fish uh anymore because uh because there's none left is basically what I learned because I've been going to Nantucket and I've gone out and gone fishing every single time and every single time I've gone it's been harder and harder and we've had to throw the lines deeper and deeper to try to get fish and there's just fucking nothing left and I was talking to this guy and he was talking about whatever

these fishing areas up in New England that people thought would never be fished out he said are completely fished out and uh that's something that I wish they would just say um you know in this presidential election that's they would be like hey why don't they just lay off fish go real easy on the fish for like the next fucking decade let's let's just let them come back there's nothing wrong with eating fish but there's too many fucking people let's just fucking lay off it we can make cows and chickens we can force them to fuck each other you know we can eat those and lamb and all of that shit but like the fish you know what are we doing here you just let them come back like I gotta tell you like once we just we kept pulling

up blues I guess which don't taste good so we throw them back I really did not enjoy it when I think about it and then we ended up pulling up these fluke who the fuck eats fluke we're just doing it to pad our fucking stats and then brought it in I felt we got took way too much fish then we were actually gonna eat um just so you could have the fun of fishing and just there's always that thing anytime I've gone fishing that I always feel like there's that tipping point where it's like all right we've caught our dinner and now we're just killing shit just to kill shit and uh I always feel like like a fucking chimpanzee then you know what I mean I feel like you know we're acting like a bunch of apes you know if you watch I fucking hate chimpanzees

I can't fucking stand them when you they when they do a real documentary on them I I see so much fucking sadistic human behavior in them uh the way you know when they go out and they kill another monkey you know I watched one one time just standing on the things fucking back just digging into its back pulling out flesh it could have just killed it but it was actually getting off on here and the other things screaming and I just so much fucking sadistic human behavior in it I fucking I hate them and I just felt like when we were still pulling the fish out just to be doing it I felt like we were a bunch of chimps like we should have been doing that you know walking around that weird chip walk fucking punching our chests you know maybe I'm over fucking reacting

but uh I gotta tell you my favorite part of um of the fishing trip other than watching uh one of the guys I was with pulling this beautiful bass fucking gorgeous fish that I knew we were gonna cook up and eat and they would feed all of us um was when uh there was a school of porpoises that was where they were swimming along the boat I actually took video you know something I don't know how to do it I'll give it to my guy maybe uh he'll be able to upload it correctly but that was the best part of it um personally it was fucking amazing man watching those things cutting through the water like a goddamn sports car that was the best part but killing the fluke I just felt we were taking up the fluke man those stupid flat fish I just felt like I was beating up a

three-year-old um so anyways let's uh let's fucking uh let's do some of the reads here for this week um oh hey by the way if you want to send in a um a uh a question here to the podcast the way you send it is to bill at the mmpodcast.com and that's all lowercase except for the m's in mmpodcast bill at the mmpodcast um oh did anybody watch the Emmys last night? um I didn't watch them I was traveling and um evidently somebody gave some powerful speech some woman gave a speech about uh racism and all that and of course the crowd went fucking crazy and uh I I don't fucking get that moment when somebody black is on stage right and they talk about how racist Hollywood is and how it needs to stop the level like the white people in the

crowd almost like trip over themselves to stand up and applaud and it always comes off so fucking phony to me like the level that yeah the level that they're screaming and applauding and crying and doing all this fucking bullshit it's just like you guys are the guys who are running the shit I'm not talking about the actors but there's like show runners in the crowd there's just heads of studios and all that it's like if you really gave a fuck to the level that you're acting like you're giving a fuck the person on stage wouldn't have to be making wouldn't have to be making this speech I think it's so fucking I think that they did jumping up and they're applauding at that fucking level because they don't want to get caught on camera not clapping

you know what I mean and I'm not saying that all white people are bad all right I'm not saying that shit but it just I don't I don't fucking get that moment I feel like whiteies like me in that moment rather than applauding wildly should be going like all right all right you got us you're right you're right we got it we got to work better we got to work harder on that one sorry sorry about that instead of standing there applauding as if you're not part of the problem you know what I mean because even myself as much as I feel like things should be fair I don't do anything about it you know what I mean I'm just trying to keep my boat afloat right that's actually kind of funny when you think about it when you think about how cutthroat

show business is the most honest things that white people could do in that point at that point would not be to applaud they would be like wait a minute this business is hard enough for us with it being completely unfair and tilted in our favor why would I applaud to level it out like yeah make it harder for me a fucking balding red-headed male I need it to be slanted in my favor as much as possible that would be the most honest moment the most honest reaction but everybody doesn't they all stand up and freak out and this is what it really pisses me off is they then think that yeah I'm a good person because I just did that this person is going through this shit they said they're sick

of going through this shit and now I'm going to stand up and applaud and be like that's right you shouldn't have to go through that shit okay now I'm going to sit back down again and be white I'm still waiting for somebody even if it's a feminist anything to be up there standing you'd be like why are you applauding right now are you going to do anything about this you know what I mean and human beings are all selfish and when you know most part you're not I don't know maybe are they I don't maybe I'm just fucking pessimistic I have no idea all right let's let's plow ahead here um all right American people in their clubs hi bill wanted to ask about you guys across the pond and the way you support your clubs all right first of all we call them teams

all right just to let you know if you want to blend in if you're if your government ever goes belly up and you sneak into this country and you don't want to be found out you know that you're an illegal alien you say teams you don't say clubs and vice versa one of the dollar collapse I'll go over there and be like all right who you support what club you support mate all right put another shrimp on the barbie shaggadelic baby we'll just start quoting awful American movies to me it looks like you support anyone you fancy anywhere in the U.S. it seems you support about five teams in five different sports over in Blawie we support only like one sport and you keep to it oh Jesus Christ can you fucking pat yourself a little yeah we're fucking loyal over here really

what else you're gonna do over there the fuck else are you gonna do over in Australia don't give me any bullshit because I've been to your fucking country unless you're in Melbourne there ain't shit to do Sydney Sydney Jesus Christ Sydney is like Sacramento California all right the whole middle of your country is full of the most evil fucking poisonous shit ever right you can't even go there that's what ACDC's highway to hell was about wasn't it driving from Perth all the way through that fucking shit Jesus fucking Christ all right usually soccer slash football is what you support but the richer you are this the sport changes example rugby tennis and so on those are for rich people evidently for the most for most people you support one team and you live

no more than 30 mile radius or at least to your top league team unless you're a glory supporter which means a bandwagoner I guess so my question is are all American glory hunters or is there a way of doing things the novice can't see go fuck yourself yeah you dope I don't know what the fuck you're talking about I support all the Boston teams the Patriots as far as like we have four professional sports and I can't help it that we have more over here see the middle of our country we're able to grow enough food to feed the world you guys the middle of your country you have enough poisonous shit to murder everybody in the world maybe that's why your teams are only 30 miles of fucking way you're trying to you're trying to shorten the travel to the stadium so nobody

fucking dies um yeah so the four major sports over here football basketball baseball and hockey and uh I support all the Boston teams those are my favorite teams they always have been now since I have a job where I have all this free time you know I can watch golf majors I can watch tennis majors I can watch college football I can watch college hoop I can't watch it and pay attention to at the level that I pay attention to football and hockey you can't even with the four major sports like basically somebody who watches and pays attention like to baseball and football then has to make a choice with basketball or hockey like this football baseball and basketball fans says football baseball and hockey fans and for the most part the way the season's overlapped

now it's becoming football and basketball football and hockey or maybe some people just a hardcore like baseball fan um you know that's basically what it is but we definitely have glory supporters you call them or bandwagon fans there's a lot of bandwagon yanky fans there's a lot of bandwagon like Dallas cowboy fans when they're good you know there's just certain teams that are like I don't know they have like national appeal but um no for the most part yeah you go and people support the teams that are in their area I don't know what you're seeing or if you hear me because I talk about all these different sports I mean I have to or unless I just want to do like a Boston's podcast which kind of limits I mean this podcast is Boston enough I don't want to fucking you

know eliminate all that other shit right you understand what I'm saying I'm not I think we just got a bunch of great sports over here and it's fun to fucking watch but I don't think that people are necessarily any more bandwagon over here well I can't say then over there because I don't know what the fuck goes on over there but um as usual you uh you're not from the United States and you did what most foreigners do is you in a very insulting way shit and all over America you try to act like you're trying to get information as you shit all over us but the great thing about my job is um I've been to where you're at and I've smelt your shit and it smells no differently so go fuck yourself um anyways Aussie rules good day blinky bill

no I don't think that there's any more well like I said I guess I don't I don't know how many fucking people are glory supporters over there um all right let's continue all right last week you got an email from a fellow Australian fan who asked you to explain the rules of American football in return you you asked an Aussie to explain our own brand of football so here goes oh Jesus by the way I should have just said American football you know you got two ends of the field both teams defend the end of the field that's to the backs all right the other team gets the fucking ball all right if they run into the end zone or throw it into the end zone they get six points followed by an extra point where they kick it through the uprights for one point all right

if you drive down the field stalls you can try to kick the ball through the uprights and you get three points if you don't think he can make it you punt the ball that's it that's all I should have said don't do the whole first down second down all that is too much all right Australian rules that's chapter two all right Australian rules football was invented in Melbourne Victoria in the 1870s yes that long ago well why did you think that I was gonna think that was a long time ago baseball was invented in the 1880s there's always that insulting like fucking like in the United States you don't fucking know whoa 1870s people were alive back then and there's a competition between 18 teams from around the nation each each team plays 22 games

between April and September and then the top eight teams on the ladder play finals football during September September and into October all right so it's playoff time winning a game gets the team four premiership points and losing it gets you nothing AFL is played on a large oval about 150 meters from goal to goal there really aren't any set dimensions for the field of play as the ovals over in Perth are known to be wider than the fields in Victoria and in South Australia well back in the day and the NHL hockey rinks were different sizes Boston had a smaller rink so we more had like grinders you know physical players and then other places you know if they had a bigger rink they went more for fucking speed um and then teams used to do shit like

if the other team was fast they wouldn't fucking they'd have the ice be a little more slushy and all that type of shit all that type of shit you know anyway so here we go anyways now to the actual rules like in the NFL there are some set point players but for now let's just break them into defenders midfielders and forwards the ball is bounced in the center of the ground at the start of play or after a goal is scored and the opposing Ruckman that was in quotes jumped to try and tap the ball to their midfield midfielders advantage quite like basketball to dispose of the ball a player must either kick it or handball it which is essentially holding the ball in one hand and punching it with the other a player cannot throw the ball but can kick or hand ball in any direction

the ball must be bounced while a player is running with it like in basketball but only like every 10 paces if the ball is kicked outside the field of play this is actually interesting because i've watched the game in a picture and run these fuckers running around now i kind of get it uh if the ball is kicked outside the field of play on the full on the full what the fuck is that a free kick is awarded to the other team if it goes out of bounds after bouncing along the ground the boundary umpires just throws just throws it in what the fuck is the full the ball is kicked outside the field of play on the full a free kick is awarded to the other team a free kick what to kick it between those posts or to kick it to your other team i don't fucking know if a player catches the ball

it is called a mark and the umpire referee will blow his whistle and award this player a few seconds to explore his options and then kick on if the player moves past the line i've seen all of this shit yeah they all clear out if the player moves past the line where you where he marked the ball the umpire calls play on and the player can then be tackled by the opposition if he is tackled with the ball and does not get rid of it legally it's called holding the ball and the and and the tackler gets a free kick what don't you mean then the tackler gets a free kick however the tackler falls on the victim's back or makes head high contact a free kick is awarded to the player he was tackling jesus christ dude this is way too much information this it's still

going to go he's still going here in order to score a player must kick the ball through his team's center goal post if he does this it's worth six points however if he misses to either side the ball goes through the behind the post it's worth just one point oh yeah because you guys got the two tall ones and then the two smaller ones right usually goals are scored from inside a team's 50 meter arc but they don't have to be goals can be kicked by any player on the ground in any way you can imagine as long as it comes off the foot it is not touched by another player lastly a specky a specky come on kz they always have e at the end specky roy a specky uh lastly i went english to us ozzie roy specky um a specky is when one player jumps on the ball jumps on the shoulders or back

of another player to mark the ball they're named appropriately because they are spectacular to watch yeah that's a big thing like they don't want to say the whole world they just throw e at the end specky it was a specky instead of saying spectacular um i think anyways i've only been there a couple times his players are often as high as four meters when they catch the ball that's about a little more than 12 feet in the air thankfully head high contact does not apply to speckys that's about it bill seems like a lot of rules when it all written down but i'm sure a seasoned sports pro like yourself could pick it up pretty quickly games um are streamed on www.afl.com.au who knows maybe afl could add some excitement to the dry months between hockey

basketball and nfl uh if you're looking for a team i reckon you suit the western bulldogs you love your dogs obviously but more than just that they also play in the same colors as your patriots and they are based in a decent working class area just like your beloved boston uh go love yourself my friend thanks for reading and thanks for years of laughs all right ps blinky bill is a much-loved australian cartoon koala oh i gotta look that up all right here comes a creepy one um she said rape i had a videotape all right talk about going from just some bullshit to to about as heavy a topic as you could have all right hey bill i got a little question doesn't sound like a little question dude she said rape i have videotape all right this all

sounds crazy all right last year i had sex with a girl two days later i was arrested charged with rape luckily i filmed it i filmed it all as me and a friend had a threesome with her so it's all good now wait a minute all right so if i'm to believe you you and your friend had a threesome with this woman you filmed it did she know you were filming it maybe because you filmed it she then got afraid that you're going to show it to people so then she did that i have no fucking idea there's too many maybe you filmed it and she didn't know what you make you a piece of shit but then smart because she said it was rape and it wasn't that's if i believe you that there's a lot of variables here um luckily i filmed it at all as me and a friend had a threesome

with her so it's all good now do you see i have to still doubt this guy because of this thing because of this thing he had a videotape the cops watched it and he got off i still have to act like she still had a case because it's rape you know what i mean i have to act like no guy ever gets accused of rape when he didn't rape you know what i mean i have to be like you know what i mean i gotta be like those white people at the award shows i have to stand up and applaud um but the whole thing stresses me stressed me out so bad that i had to quit my job yeah i would think so and i've gone to therapy ever since now i always wear a hidden recording device when i'm on a date with a girl i got paid a thousand dollars

because all of that happened more than a thousand dollars in damages the girl on the other hand didn't suffer a bit she was apparently unstable and had reported eight other cases of rape the same year i was number nine still the police showed up with six men two cars and made my room look like a scene from csi well they're just doing their job dude and as she was unstable she didn't have to pay me or any or anything or anyone i got paid by the government i was risking years behind bars yeah and god knows what they would have done to you in there i read something in the local paper by another one of her victims that was also proven innocent was being hated on by my country's biggest feminist groups rape is serious but this is this has to stop what are your thoughts on this

bill thank you uh for your answer and consensually fuck you um yeah i mean i i think that's your situation is you're going to get caught up in after years of it going totally the other way where it was where they blamed the victim and said well what were you wearing um you were asking for it what did you think was going to happen now you know which obviously needed to stop that now socially it's gone from where they blamed the victim to i mean back in the day they'd be like well you were drinking what did you think was going to happen um they've gone all the way to the other side now where it's just like if she said she was raped she was raped so which isn't a bad what makes it a bad fucking thing is the fact that they put the accused name

in the picture and everything in the fucking paper before anything has been proven on i am an advocate of you protect both people until something has been proven either innocence or guilt all right and if it's innocent you let that person get back on with their life because you cannot shake that it's over the second you're accused of that shit it's fucking over you know it's it's complete it's it's over you are branded that for the rest of your fucking life and when you have somebody out there if they're fucking unstable and they're doing this for whatever fucking reason i mean god knows what a horrible thing happened to this person that they're doing this um or maybe they were born unstable i have no

fucking idea but you know the fact that you know you get a thousand bucks you're in therapy you got to quit your fucking job and all that i mean uh look who's kidding who dude all right you had a fucking threesome all right your videotape and the fucking thing i mean i don't know that you uh i can't say you don't wear a fucking recording device i totally understand why you would i totally get that but i would just say why don't you you know try to date somebody a little more stable i mean you're going on dates versus you know hooking up with some crazy person who's having a threesome and letting you film the fucking thing i mean right there dude if you're fucking like if you hook up with somebody you don't fucking know

him from adam and they're gonna have a fucking threesome and they're gonna let you film the fucking thing i mean right there i mean the amount of red flags that should be flying in your face you shouldn't even be seeing the person anymore here i am blaming you again you're probably a young guy you never had this so you learned your fucking lesson here um i don't know dude i if secretly wearing a recording device you know makes you feel more comfortable then i i i don't have a problem with it i mean dude you i don't know if you ever heard like what happens to rapists in in in jail uh you know they're like hunted down and fucking gang raped and all of that type of shit it's fucking horrific what could have happened to you just because

she said that that happened and um those feminist groups that are doing that shit i mean they're basically exposing themselves for what they truly are is they're sexist they're totally fucking sexist any woman says a guy does anything they just totally have their fucking back they don't give a shit i mean this was this person even in that year said that you know someone raped and didn't raped her and didn't i mean right there they did a little bit of fucking where they just immediately back them let me guess did they apologize to you at all you know i'm sure they didn't that they is as big as a fucking surge that they did online or wherever they were coming at you when they apologized which should have been even bigger

did they i'm sure they didn't you know because they're sexist cunts they are they don't give a shit they sit there and they pat themselves on the back like they're these socially advanced fucking people and they aren't they're the exact fucking thing that they're fighting the exact moron sexist guy that thinks a woman should just be there to suck his dick and make him a sandwich they are the female version of that they are the female fucking version that generally fucking speaking and i can speak in generalities considering how they treated you um all right here we go telling in guitarist he's bad hey billy bonzo bill i love you and i need your help all right i am a 16 year old guy from egypt that's so fucking cool and you listen

to this podcast that's awesome yes you have fans in egypt anyway i have been playing guitar for two years now and i started a band with some friends that's awesome a drummer a bass player and another guitar player here's the problem we're having trouble with the guitar player he is flashy he is a flashy fuck with no talent he never practices enough that's very bad quality guitar and amp learns solos only and doesn't even play them correctly and he wants me to play the rhythm section while he shits the lead parts i don't have a problem in playing rhythm but only if he can play well to put his failure into perspective he's been playing guitar for over six years and most people tell me i'm way better than him not trying to be cocky or anything just

shitting on him more and more uh where i live finding another guitarist who can actually play is very difficult so it's hard to let him go while we have a gig coming in october so should we let him go and find another guy and if so can we tell him that he is out ah jesus christ there's there's a lot of variables in this one all right so if i am to believe that this guy stinks as much as you do and not that this is some cliched in band fighting where you're playing rhythm and he's playing lead so all the chicks want to bang him afterwards and you're standing there like what about me you know what i mean everyone wants to fuck angus nobody wants to fuck malcom over here you know um as long as it isn't that this guy truly does suck and if you're actually better than him

then um why don't you turn yourselves into a power trio you know and then all you gotta do is have your bass player and your drummer will give them more space for when you're playing the lead um it would make you a better guitarist too especially if there's some space within those leads and then you can hit a couple of fucking the rhythm chords then go in and out of the fucking make you a better guitars i mean i can tell you right now that if you think this guy's a flashy fuck with no talent and he's not practicing and he's been playing three times as long as you and you feel that you're better i don't see you guys ever coming to a point where you're going to be happy with what the fuck he's doing um my only question is though you do need some showmanship in the band i would think

because sometimes somebody can be better than somebody else but they stand there and they look like a fucking toad waiting for a fly to come by and then at that point you literally have to be a musician to understand how what they're doing because there is you know you also have to entertain people so uh all this flashy shit though that could get you some gigs you know what i mean in the beginning who knows i don't know you you would have to assess all of that but if you the drummer and the bass player are all on the same page and you think this guy's a flashy fuck who's who's not bringing anything to the band then uh then yeah i bounce the guy maybe after you gig in October if there's not enough time to find somebody new maybe play one more fucking gig and then get

rid of him um but if if he's actually you know there's been a lot of flashy guys that couldn't quite fucking play but they were fun to watch and the bands made it so i don't know that that part of it is going to have to be up to you but uh i think there's opportunity there for you to become an even better guitarist if you want to try to hold down his parts for a while until you find somebody else and then you know what you only have to split the gig money three ways instead of four all i would say is if you're going to start playing leads then uh i would still a little bit of that guy's moves in his fashion sense you know what i mean he got to do a couple of things you can't be standing back dead fucking i don't like i said like that toad on a lily pad all right

canadian politician wants to stunt population growth a broccoli bill just saw this article about elizabeth may the leader of of our green party the number four political party in canada who supports reducing the world's population uh figure it's up your alley that's amazing here's a link to her party platform but since you suck at reading here are a few of the main points of what she wants to do that's hilarious i was even struggling reading that sentence one integrate goals for reduced fertility in the overall effort to eliminate poverty what does that mean she wants to sterilize poor people uh this does not sound green this sounds like brown shirt uh realize that failure to stabilize and

reduce human population will result in the inevitable reduction of human population by means of high death rates as the earth's human carrying capacity is not only exceeded but reduced by the consumption of resources and the destruction of biological capital resulting in poverty starvation and possibly social disruption apps of fucking lily check all of those off integrate goals from improved health care and spreading knowledge of birth control methods and efforts that increase the availability of the ability of birth control equipment and supplies into the overall efforts to eliminate poverty four recognize that the high level of per capita resource consumption developed countries makes the impact of their population

much more serious stoked to see you in toronto for a couple weeks just uh just for last and thanks for the podcast you dope um well speaking of stupid you're gonna fucking see me next week unless this is left over from a while ago you're actually gonna see me this week so it's not a couple of weeks uh what i think needs to be done is i think that there just needs to be from top to bottom information on what the human population is doing to the oceans to the air to the trees to all of that type of shit and at this point this is not even tree hugger shit this is just literally fact um that just needs to be way less fucking people and if you just like i was going to say prognosticated is that actually word if you just projected if you just

showed what the fuck were headed towards and you scared the fuck out of people and you somehow this is why it's not going to work you got to get everybody on the same page and you got to get people to not uh act selfishly it's like if there's a fucking plane crash right into the fucking mountains and the survivors are sitting there and they pool together all the resources they have and they're all on the same team no matter what there's always going to be that person who's out for themselves okay and that's just in a group of fucking 20 people so if you just factor that in into seven billion people the amount of people that are out there for themselves um i don't think that it works and i think that we are uh we are doomed to

to that second paragraph where there's uh you know resulting in poverty starvation disease great human suffering and possible social disruption i think that that's going to happen i think the upper one percent realizes that and i think they're insulating themselves um from that inevitability by pooling the resources for themselves turning places into police states getting rid of rights and living in gated communities they are all set all right they are all set for all of that shit to happen and that's just my paranoid fucking two cents um anyways so that's the podcast here for this week i'll send you that that video of the porpoises swimming through the ocean

while they're still there and uh what else i think that's it i got it oh yeah so i got a run of dates this week man if you're in texas all right i'm going to be in austin for two shows tonight i'm going to be in san Antonio i'm going to be in dallas i'm going to be in houston is that it i think that that is it no el paso on this run no college station no corpus christi none of that shit so you know you might have to drive a little bit but i'm driving all over the hot of texas and um and on sunday i'm going to be at the just for laughs in toronto i got a whole new hour of shit i am rested up sort of from my um my uh my week out there in nantucket and um i'm not really rested up i smoke the fucking cigar every day i smoke two on one day

and i am fucking spent but that'll give me fuel for my stand-up act so anyways uh i think that's it that's the podcast go fuck yourselves i will talk i'll check you on thursday see you bovenin genietu nuu tijderlijk van vier jaar garantie op gecertificere tweede handswagen bmb premium selection vertrouw u instinct volgen u verstand info en voorwaarden op bmb.b