Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-21-17

Episode Date: September 21, 2017

Bill rambles quietly about Opioids, nerds and jamming.

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I wasn't going to call you. Information and information on Proximus.be. Proximus. Think possible. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you.

Late Wednesday night while my daughter sleeps in the next effin room. Yeah, I got to keep quiet on this one. I got to keep it down. Keep it down. I turned up the volume so I can whisper a little bit here, right? I got to knock this fucker out. I got a table read for episode eight of season three. Eight of 10.

We're 80% of the way there for all you math leads out there. Very excited, starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel before the horrific editing process begins. And, you know, we'll just be working for another year and get everything all locked. And I'll have maybe three days off. And then we'll start all over again. What's going on? How are you? How's your week going?

Is it all right? I'm actually, I have to do the table read. I'm going to write some more shit. And then late night, I'm going to be traveling up to Toronto where I'm doing three shows at the Sony fucking Santa. Toronto, one of my favorite cities, you know, I like, I like a nice small city, you know, where everybody knows everybody's name. That's what I love about Toronto. You know what I mean? It's not this fucking monstrosity with a ton of traffic.

Everybody's down to earth. No, actually, like, you know, it's the biggest goddamn city, you know, basically for people in the United States. All right. Who never look up when they're walking around so they never see Canada. Right. And you're dumb like me where North to you is looking up because you can't fucking, you have no spatial relation to how you stand on this planet. Ottawa is the capital of Canada. But Toronto is like, it's kind of like how Albany is like the capital of New York, but it's all about New York City.

Albany is the capital of New York state, I should say. And sure, they have the egg. You know, they have a fucking minor league hockey team. There's a lot to like in Albany. Got some beautiful theaters. You know what I mean? They got that fucking we used to build shit here before it all left. You know, for 30 years and now we're coming back around with a little tech savvy horseshit like all these fucking Rust Belt cities.

Not saying Albany was in the Rust Belt, but all look at look at what's going on in Pittsburgh. The remodellation of the downtown area is all these fucking nerds who make websites and robots and, you know, synthetic heroin. Whatever the fuck it is these nerds do for these sociopaths, for these fucking sociopaths. That's how it works. Nerds, I've said that my act, nerds make fucking sociopaths dreams come true. That's what the fuck they do. Sociopaths are crazy enough to think shit, but they need a nerd to actually make it a fucking reality. And nerds do not have the background to backbone, I should say.

They don't have the backbone to tell fucking sociopaths. You know what, dude? I know I could figure out how to do that, but I'm not going to make that. They won't do it. They won't do it. And they're all sitting around making robots that they can fuck right now to get rid of their guilt. Okay, and we're taking callers. We're taking callers.

We're reading them live. Toronto. What's it doing? Toronto. Sorry, just had some fucking corn checks. By the way, I haven't been working out because my cap was fucked up and I'm still dropping weight just by not boozing and eating like a fucking angel. Do you know what I have every fucking night?

Like probably four out of seven nights a week. I have this pre-made tabbouleh salad that has this little, I don't know if it's couscous. I don't know what the fuck it is. Tomatoes and onions in it. And then I put a little fucking chicken in there. And I just eat that shit like the fuel that it is. I just shovel it into my mouth to stop the hunger feeling. And that's around 5.30 at 6.00.

And then I don't do anything. And if I get a little extra hunger, did a set tonight, you know, burned a little calories and every once in a while, come on, I just have a fucking bowl of cereal. That's it. I have to tell you, dude, I got to tell you. I got on the scale today. Old fucking Billy Alabaster freckled fat tits was down to 175 pounds. I was up to a buck 85.

I was a buck 90 last summer. So I'm down to 175. My fighting weight is 172. I got this acting gig in two fucking weeks. And I've been unable to work out. My fucking rotator cuff is all fucked up again. I was imitating this blow up doll on stage and I stuck my fucking arm out and it started burning again. It's like, really?

I'm a goddammit. You know what I have to do? I have to go to a physical therapist and I have to start being a better patient. Like, you know, when they tell me to do some shit, I need to go fucking do the shit. That's what the fuck I need to do to finally get past this shit because I haven't worked out. You know, I used to be a pull-up guy. I got a bet with Paul Versey that when I'm 70 years old, I'll still be able to do 10 pull-ups. I won't even be able to do that when I turn 50.

The way this is fucking going. What I'm trying to say here, people, is I'm falling apart. I know there's a lot of benefits out there. Okay? From, you know, people whose fucking, you know, heads were fused together with their brother, whatever your fucking causes. Alright? What about broken down, middle-aged, white male heterosexuals? What about that?

What about all of us? Okay? After enjoying half a century of privilege, you know, what about us with our sore calf and our sore right shoulder? What about that, huh, people? You know? I want to know how much you care. Um, I just want to turn a fucking corner with this goddamn thing. Can't do it.

I haven't been able to do it. Rotated cuffs, they're tough, you know, they kind of fucking linger. I know, I know, I'm living with it. Um, so anyways, I've been talking to some people recently. And, you know, I've always just joked around about pharmaceutical companies. I keep hearing this rumor that they started, you know, this fucking heroin epidemic and everything. And I just found out, you know, someone from, like, the town I grew up in, 23 years old, just fucking died of a heroin overdose. I grew up in fucking Maybury.

And, uh, someone was talking about, like, basically all these fucking things, oxy, percocet, all of that shit. It has the exact same fucking addictive qualities, chemical makeup, all of that shit is heroin. It's just like a synthetic heroin. And, uh, difference between an opiate and an opioid. An opiate is natural. Like those poppy fucking things you always see in those Chuck Norris movies, right? And then the poppy seeds there and then an opiate is just like manufactured nerds, nerds. You fucking go into the doctor like me.

I fucked up my calf. This fucking guy goes, all right, I'm gonna give you a painkiller and I'm gonna give you an anti-inflammatory. So I go to the fucking pharmaceutical, pharmacist are fucking hilarious. The fact that they get to dress up like they're doctors is one of the funniest fucking things. It's like, what are you doing in there? It's like, you're basically working the Starbucks of the medical field. You know, what are you doing? What the fuck are you doing back?

You should get me a cup of coffee with my fucking pills. They always act like they're so goddamn, you know, just under the gun. When you're back there, you're counting aspirin. I get, you know, what in the fuck way? You know what the fucking worst thing is, is when somebody like, it's like running, there's nothing, people think cops are bad. The worst thing, you want to have fucking attitude, get a rent a cop. Because in the back of his head, he knows he's not a real cop. So now he's got something to prove a cop's a cop.

You know what I mean? So he's, you know, he's got a gun. He's got a fucking license to kill here. I'll stick this right in the back of your fucking mouth and I'll pull the trigger and go down and go to your sandwich and I even think about it, right? Fuck a rental car. What does he got? Maybe he has a taser.

Got a little fucking stick. So he's got to be some cunt running around taking some little fucking kid's skateboard away, right? They dabble in that shit. It's always that type of shit, you know what I mean? It's like if you're going to get a threesome, right? There's always the beautiful girl and then the other one who's fucking annoying, who's got to start running a yap. Even if she is beautiful, she knows she's not as good looking as the other one. That brings up the insecurity and then she won't shut the fuck up.

She tries to be funny or something like that, a stupid sloppy tits hanging out. It's like, what are you doing? I don't care how fucking ugly you are. You don't think I'm going to work my way through you to get to her? Just shut up. I don't know what the fuck this has to do with pharmaceutical companies, okay? But I know when I went to this pharmacy with my calf problem, all right? He said a painkiller.

I'm like, well, I'm not fucking with those. I'm not fucking with those. I'm not getting heroin in a fucking synthetic form and start taking. Look how I handle booze, people. Or I should say, look how booze handled me, okay? It was like triple G walking down Alvarez the other day. That's what fucking booze does to me. I'm backing up the whole fucking fight.

Every once in a while, I plant and I fucking throw a couple of combinations. You know what the bottle does? It eats it up. It eats it up, right? But my wife's sitting there going, you're not an alcoholic. It has me winning 118, 110. Figure that one out. So I fucking go in to CVS, right?

Which is a great place. If you need to buy somebody a car, you know, get a gallon of root beer and get some fucking heroin, right? Maybe some shit and fucking, I don't know, shaving cream or some shit, right? So the fucking, you know, rent a fucking doctor guy behind there. He fucking, you know, it's, you know, it's going to be like 20 minutes. So it's going to be like 20 minutes. All right. Okay.

Whatever I get. There's a lot of different colored pills back there. You got to look at your pill chart to see which color. The blue ones are for boys and the red ones are for old people, whatever that science is. They're back there acting like they make the pills. I need to shut the fuck up about pharmacists. I got to read up on them here for months. Let me finish selling the story.

So the guy finally comes back, right? I'm standing behind all these cute fucking old people. You don't even put fucking people with all the goddamn pills for the ailments and shit. And he gets me two vials and I go, okay, what's this one? He goes, those are the pain, painkillers. And I'm like, all right, well, I'm not messing with that. And I go, what are these? And he goes, those are more pain pills.

And I'm like, what about the anti-inflammatory? He goes, oh, it's in these painkillers. And it's just like, I don't want that. I just want the anti-inflammatory. But you know what it is? It's these fucking drug companies. They're drug dealers. So they want to get me hooked.

So you want the anti-inflammatory. You got to do a little fucking synthetic heroin with it. Okay. Now I'm basing all of this on my own fucking paranoia and like two conversations I've had over the last 48 hours. Okay. And now I'm in my fucking house, like in that movie, Beautiful Mind. I'm taking fucking, I'm cutting out headlines from papers that I don't read.

And I'm blinking it all together. I'm presenting it as fact to you. Okay. Pharmacists, what do they do? All right. They advise physicians and other health practitioners on the selections, dosage, interactions, and side effects of medication. They also plan and monitor drug programs or regimens.

Pharmacists counsel hospitalized patients on the use of drugs and on their use at home when the patients are discharged. Yeah. You mean at the back of the CVS? Okay. Take two of these twice a day. Take one on the third day and then flush the rest of it. Okay.

Pharmacists, level of edu... Dude, everything just pops up. Like I wrote what and then it immediately popped up. What do they do? I said level and immediately of education immediately popped up. Doctoral or professional degree. All right. Here's what you got to do.

There's no way. You know, this can't be more than a two-year fucking program. Okay. Here you go. Here's a video on how to be a fucking pharmacist. It's a fucking cartoon character in a pharmacist, in a pharmacy. Educational requirements and career surgery. Becoming a pharmacist requires a significant amount of formal education.

Get the fuck out of here. Learn about education job, duties, and training to see if this is the right career for you. Okay. Find the perfect school. Okay. Doctor of pharmacy, degree fields, non-specified, two years of undergraduate study. I got four. Is required to apply for pharmacy school.

Okay. License required in all states. I got one of those to sell health insurance. That's not impressive. You take a test and then you're licensed. Experience clerkship, residencies, fellowships. This is bullshit. Key skills.

Attention to detail. Did I say four Percocet? I meant one. An extensive knowledge of drugs and interactions. Okay. There you go. I'll give you that one. Research, communication, interpersonal and customer service skills.

Job outlook, 3% growth, medium annual salary, $121,500. Give it up for the pharmacist. Jesus. One of their lab coats is so goddamn clean, huh? Back there raking in the fucking money. I'll tell you, if you start selling some of those drugs on the side to the people you get addictive in the front, you know, I'm just saying, you get those fake tits there, sweetheart.

I had an amazing week this week. I actually got to, I got to fucking play drums for about two and a half hours with a tremendous musician who was just like, hey man, you want to fucking jam? And I was like, yeah, man, I want to jam. And I didn't even know what that meant. I thought it was going to go down there and just be like, hey, do you know highway to hell? That's what I thought it was going to be.

I showed up. This guy was doing that. You know that Reggie Watts thing where he, how he fucking builds up, he'll make like drum sounds and then I'll make guitar sounds and then whatever and whatever and whatever and then he starts fucking singing over it, right? He was doing that but with like a guitar and he was just creating these songs and then I had to jump in and play drums. And it was just a whole other fucking animal.

And I realized that all these years I thought that I played drums. I didn't. I like do drums. I was talking about some of you about that today. I like do drums. I don't play them. You know what I mean? Playing them is what I attempted to do the other night and failed horrifically.

See, if you fucking listen to a song and you listen to what the drummer's doing, you figure it out, then you play it. That's like getting all the answers to the test and then the drum part fix, fix, fix because the other guy already came up with it. But you, somebody just starts playing you a piece of music you never heard of and then you have to actually come up with the drum part. You are the level of musician that you are is immediately exposed and there's nowhere for you to hide.

And I was just, I had a great time. I had such a fucking fun time doing it. But I was actually thinking, I was like, wow, man, I knew I sucked. I didn't know I sucked. Wow. But it was, it was so much fun and the person was really, really generous and I want to thank him for fucking hanging that long with me. But it was such a fun fucking time.

And it was also, you know, it was a very huge learning. It wasn't, you know, it was a few moments. I actually thought I played pretty good. But other than that, I was just like, Jesus Christ, just kept trying to do stuff and then you know, you just make that face like, I'm not bad at that too. I don't know if you professional drummers can try a fill and you don't, you fuck up, you know, do you make a face? Because I always do.

I make that oops. You know that face John Paul Jones made when him and Bonham fucked up and a song remains the same. They came in a little too early. But John Paul Jones is back to the crowd and you see Bonham look down. He just kind of shakes his head for half a second and then they got it right. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just trying to fill up this fucking half hour because I have no fucking time.

I have no time in my life anymore. You know what I mean? I don't. I need to, I need a pharmacist in my fucking life. You know what? You know what? I don't take pills aside from the fact that I don't want to get addicted is what I like about drinking is I enjoy the effort it takes to get the buzz.

You know what I mean? Like, I don't like, like we just seem so easy, especially now with all these fucking vaporizers and stuff. Oh, you inhale. You're doing that anyways. Then you just sit there and also amen, blah, blah, blah, like with fucking drinking, you got to drink it. If you're going to get shitfaced just drinking beer, that's a lot of goddamn work.

You got to drink at least six of them. If you're lightweight, upwards of fucking, you know, I don't know, 36 to 40 depending on how much you drink. So anyways, look at this shit. So I went to this, this website and I was like, what is the difference between heroin and Percocet? And this is like fucking nuts. This is like people who were like on these drugs talking in this chat room.

Like, what is the difference? Someone told me I should buy some versus buying 30 milligrams of oxycodone because it should be a lot cheaper. So what are your opinions? Somebody basically told this person who's addicted to these, this fucking oxy, they should now get heroin. So this guy just, this is just like, like they're talking about cars or some shit. This person says, well, they are both strong narcotics.

Heroin is an opiate and oxycodone is an opioid, which is basically in layman turns, opioids are synthetics and opiates occur naturally in the opium poppy. In my opinion, heroin is stronger, but then that's counted by the fact that you'll never know street heroin's purity and you always know what's in an oxy, am I saying that right? Oxycodone tablet. If you buy 30 milligram, a 30 milligram tablet, you know how strong it is. Heroin purity can go up and down and they cut it with all kinds of shit. These are fucking people doing hard drugs.

First of all, I gotta give it up that they can still fucking have the sense to go into a chat room and compare fucking notes. So there's a lot of people talking about this, but not in, not on CNN, on, on Fox News or any of those other fucking so-called news channels where they're all bought and paid for and they're not going to do this fucking story because, you know, these same companies that got everybody allegedly got everybody addicted or advertising on their fucking channels. So Ohio is suing drug companies over their role in creating an opioid epidemic, which has led to an opiate epidemic because after a while they won't fill your fucking prescription.

So NPR's Robert Siegel talks with Ohio Attorney General, let me just get to the bullshit here. The state of Ohio figures it's home to 200,000 opioid addicts. That's the equivalent of the population of Akron. Overdoses are so common, the morgues in some Ohio counties lack for space. Today's Ohio, today Ohio's Attorney General announced he's bringing a suit against five drug manufacturers accusing them of misrepresenting the risk of prescription opioids and helping to fuel an addiction epidemic in this state. Yeah, like these people are like murdering people.

If what they're saying is true, that's what the fuck they're doing. And these fucking cunts, these corporate cunts, they go to bed fucking silk pajamas, indoor and outdoor pool as everybody's fucking dying. I don't know. The population control person in me sort of like I'm on both sides of this thing. It's like this is fucking terrible to do to people. And then it's also like, well, there's too many people on the planet. So thank God these fucking psychos are killing people so they can get a bigger house.

I heard the like, you know, any doctors listen to this shit anonymously want to write in. I mean, I heard that they have like these pharmaceutical companies, they hire these hot chicks to walk around to bring in the new drugs wearing like fuck me pumps and stuff. Is that true? Or was I half asleep watching some red shoe diary one night? I thought it was in this industry. I have no idea. So the state attorney general, Mike DeWynne or D wine.

As you know, as he's known around the way joins us now from Columbus. Welcome to the program once again. Oh fuck this is the somebody's who the fuck would read this is this for like deaf people who can't hear NPR. Mike D wine. Good to be back. Thank you very much. Segal and first tell us which companies have you named in the suit? We have sued the following companies.

Purdue pharma endo health solutions. Janssen or Janssen's pharmaceuticals. Cephalon and then allergen. Why the fuck? Why wouldn't you just summarize all of this? Oh, I guess I can hit play. I don't have time for that shit. U.S. officials are starting to treat opioid companies like big tobacco about time and how city is suing pharmaceuticals.

Don't vilify drug companies says CVS. Really? Oh, Jesus. He's how bought and paid for these fuckers. Well, why don't I hear their opinion first? Only America would vilify the people that invented Viagra. That's what happened. That's what's happening.

They just bought back everything they just said. This week is the FDA holds very public hearings and the potential health risks of popular prescription pain medication such as Cox two inhibitors. Pfizer, the company that makes one of those medicines. Celebrex is also the company that brought you and yours Viagra. Drug companies, big farmers are the villains of medicine and health care, at least according to much media. Who the fuck wrote this horseshit? This is by I swear to God, booty Costco of Mather. All right, I don't understand how you can be anywhere in journalism with a first name booty.

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Okay, people. I want you guys all to have a wonderful weekend. I want you to get on your knees and give thanks that you don't live in the Caribbean with all them tornadoes coming. Why don't we say tornadoes? Hurricanes coming. Everybody in Puerto Rico, I hope you make it out all right. I just saw it was coming yesterday, man. It's fucking brutal, man.

It's really brutal. The same way they're going after these pharmaceutical companies for the, you know, the opioids, opiates, opiaches, the Indochinos, right? They should go after fucking fossil fuel companies. At some point that's going to fucking happen, you know, but you can never get the people that made the decision because what you're doing is you're suing a corporation, which is nameless and faceless. And then all those people who made those fucking decisions collectively turn your key. They all turned their fucking key. I was following orders.

All of those fucking cunts when you go to sue the company are completely insulated and they will be giving themselves raises with their blood money. And then when they go to fucking attack the company, everybody just fucking walks away. It's like, well, I work there. I'm not, you know, I'm not the corporation. Am I still talking? I'm sorry. I got to go to fucking bed. All right.

Anyways, don't be a cunt this weekend, everybody. Huh? And don't watch the fucking news. All it's going to do is make you feel fucking sad. Go out. Be a good person. You know, somebody asked you to get in their trunk. Just, you know, just don't do it.

That's all I'm saying. All right. Does that make any sense? I don't give a fuck. All right. Please enjoy this music as we are. You're going to get another half hour of fucking riveting entertainment like the last fucking 33 minutes of this shit show from a Thursday afternoon podcast that's gone by in a Thursday from another year or possibly earlier this month. All right.

I'll see all you people in Toronto. I can't wait to go up there and give you my brand new hour of fucking bullshit. I'll be there with Paul Verzi, the dude I called a kid, the pride of New Jersey. You know, someday Paul Verzi is going to walk through the pearly gates wearing a brand new pair of Jordan threes. He's fucking dude. The Jordan threes with my angel suit and those wings dude. Over. All right.

Have a great weekend. All right. It's a way it goes. Way it goes. Oh, it goes. Way it goes. Way it goes. Everyman's new.

Everyman's new. The temple city lights would light the night and call out number you. Everyman's new. Hey. Hey. All right, X Defense Minister from Canada speaks out about speaks. The speaks about. See, now this is no once again, not my fault.

This person writes X Defense Minister from Canada speaks about out about aliens. Out about aliens or speaks out about aliens. Or does he speak about out about aliens? See what I'm saying? This isn't always me. All right. Bill, love the podcast. Free lasts every week.

They're much appreciated. Yada, yada, yada. I thought you might like this link as you're a big conspiracy theory. A big conspiracy theorist, you mean? He said it's the former Canadian Defense Administrator. No, Canadian Defense Minister giving some bold claims about several species of aliens living among us and actually working with elements in the government. Not only that, but a shadowy.

Cabal, C-A-B-A-L, K-B-L, I don't know, comprised of the Council on Foreign Relations, the Bilderbergers, the Trilateral Commission. That should add a hyphen in it, you cunt. The International Banking Cartel, the oil cartels, members of various intelligence organizations, and select members of military. One World Government, check it out. Sir, the last thing I'm going to do is look at this.

I'll put the link up there. Ah, fuck it. I'll look at it right now. This shit just freaks me out and makes me depressed because there's nothing I can do about it. Okay, now how is this going to help me, sir, if I find out there's actually aliens living among us, talking to international bankers?

You know, am I going to come walking in, bursting into their meeting, like the end of a feel-good movie? You know, like, hey, man, the people have spoken, and they like me. All right, here we go. I got it right here. Canada's former Minister of National Defense, Paul Haylor, testifies at the citizen's hearing on disclosure.

What the fuck am I? Last month in Washington, D.C., that aliens are living among us, and that it is likely at least two of them are working with the U.S. government. Ah, this guy sounds like he's out of his fucking mind. Okay, let's kind of flip the script here. Let's say you're an alien. All right, whoever's listening to this still,

who believes in aliens? Who isn't blogging about my reaction to the blogger? And you go to another fucking solar system, another galaxy, whatever the fucking terminology is. And you land there. Okay? What are you gonna do other than try and get blended in so people don't chop your fucking alien head off?

Like, how exactly did this fucking alien get infiltrate the government? This is like Mr. Smith goes to Washington. The alien just lands and just goes, okay. I mean, how come he didn't do this in Argentina? He picks the United States, goes right into fucking Washington, D.C., walks into the Capitol building as somebody's filler bustering so they can't make an electric car

or whatever, comes right out on the house floor, and then does what? You know, security comes up, tries to shoot him, and he just puts his hands up and their guns turn into like chocolate bars or fall to the ground. And then for some reason everybody in their suits doesn't scramble and freak the fuck out. You know?

You just fucking walk out there and say, hey, what's going on? Relax, relax, relax. It's a simple technology that you guys will discover if you become friends with me. How to turn a fucking gun into some melted shit that doesn't let people shoot you. I am from the planet Zoltar, right? It always begins with a Z.

How does that work? Like if you were a fucking alien and you went to another goddamn planet, exactly, I guess, okay, you'd be like, all right, if there's a bunch of different nations, which one seems to be running shit? I got to chop the head off. And you're just going to want, you and a buddy,

two of you, going to walk in fucking arm and arm. And do what? Yeah, listen, I think just a simple fact that we were able to get here, you know the kind of firepower that we're capable of. For some fucking reason, we want to take over this planet.

Or we want you guys to do shit the way we feel that it should be done. Who would want that fucking headache? I don't know that I believe this shit. Anyways, he believes, Hellyer, whose beliefs on extraterrestrial life in UFOs are well-established, made the statements at the non-governmental hearings

chaired by six former US congressmen and aimed at, according to the event's website, doing what the US Congress had failed to do for 45 years, seek out the facts surrounding the most important issue of this or any other time, evidence pouring towards an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race. Alright, you know what?

Even I have my limits when it comes to that type of shit. Alright, I don't think that's the most pressing thing. I would say us fucking up the environment, world population, and that type of shit is a little more... unless you want to throw more people from other galaxies also living here. Do they drink bottled water too?

Ha ha ha ha! Alright, sisters A through C. Here we go. Tired of giving advice to guys with psycho-suicidal girlfriends or people with STDs? Well, I got something a bit lighter for you here. Kind of like the Coors Light version of your typical advice. Thank you!

And it's perfect for the middle of summer. Let me kick my feet back on this one. So I know this lady who I've been friends with for a while now and banged one time. She's the oldest of three sisters, so we all call her Sister A.

About two years ago, I made out with Sister B in a club, not my initiative, and ended up having sex with her the same night. Jesus Christ, dude. I went out with her. Dude, do they have like that thing on the back of their SUV where they have the stick figures of the entire family

and you just slowly keep axing them out? Ha ha ha ha! And the family doesn't understand. Is somebody trying to kill my daughters? No! Just trying to fuck all of them, sir! Well, that's a relief. Alright. Anyways, I went out with her for a while.

Oh, this is Sister B. And it was surprisingly not awkward when we were hanging out all together, even though everyone knew the situation. Jesus Christ. What southern state are you in, sir? Um, I'll go fuck yourself, people down south. That was funny.

Some months later, Sister B left me for one of her, one of my friends and got over it quickly enough. Oh, and you got over it quickly enough. And nowadays, I'm still in contact with Sister A and B so I'm not the kind of guy that holds a grudge for that kind of stuff.

Well, there you go. That's very immature, which means you really didn't give a fuck about either one of them. So why are you going to be all upset, you know, like you own their pussy once you fuck it? I hate when guys do that. Anyways, recently,

since Sister C started talking to me more frequently, after talking for a bit, she said she could pose for me since I'm a painter and she's a model and a 10 all the fucking way I might add. Oh, you fucking creep. You fucking creep. So she was a 10 the whole time.

So basically, you're in a holding pattern, banging her older sisters, waiting until this girl was of age so you could fucking paint her. Jesus Christ. I got to, you know, I might have to stand up and applaud this one. This guy's taking it to another level.

Dude, this is a fucking epic situation here. So he goes, so here's my question. Does that proposition mean anything? Dude, you need my advice? I need advice from you. How do you fuck every girl in the same family? Jesus Christ.

This is like, do you know how long it's been since there's been a triple crown winner in horse racing? The last time someone won the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, and the Breeders Cup, is that what it is? Or is that a soccer match?

I don't fucking know. I don't know a fucking horse. Since the late 70s. I would guarantee that it's been since the late 70s. Since the late 70s. Since the late 70s. Since the late 70s. Since the late 70s.

Since the late 70s. It's been since the late 70s. Since somebody has poosed banged three. I think a lot can do two in one family. But to get all fucking three. Dude, three, two is respectable.

Three is, no, it's beyond respectable. Two, three. Okay, everybody knows that three is in the sporting world. Dude, that's a fucking dynasty. You just put yourself in there with fucking Bill Russell.

You put yourself in there with the fucking Magic Johnson Lakers. You know? I wouldn't say the Kobe Lakers. You know, when you go out and you get Phil Jackson and fucking Shaq, that's that new shit that the kids like.

I don't like that shit. Either way, dude, you're talking fucking dynasty. Oh wait, Magic never won three in a row, but he had the Celtics to fuck with. They won three out of four years. Give me a fucking break.

So here's Michael Jordan. There we go. So here's my question. Does that proposition mean anything? Is it a trap? Should I try to bang her? Should I try and bang her to and get a third strike

or keep my dick in my pants and avoid a potential shit storm? And if yes, do you have any tips, special tips on this special situation? All my friends are telling me to do so, but I thought I'd ask a more refined mind like yourselves before I did a move.

Dude, you're looking at me like, dude, you're beyond me right now. Okay? This is like bull Durham. I'm fucking Kevin Costner. I'm a lifer. Okay? You're going up to the show,

hitting brand new balls every fucking day. You tell me. Okay? I never banged two girls in one fucking family. You know? I was psyched if I was able to tag a couple of friends and we were all hanging out at a bar one night

and you get that feeling like, I fuck both of you and you both knew it and you both loved it. I hope. Please, please tell me you liked it. Did you like it? Was I okay?

Okay? Dude, I think you got to do it. You got to do it. You know? You've been above board the whole time. Sister A, Sister B, they all fucking knew everything, right? Now I understand this is a little delicate.

Okay? He's trying to snip the last wire here. This is the kid's sister. Is it going to blow up in your fucking face? It's worth it, dude. It's worth it. It's worth losing a couple of limbs and your nose on this one.

You got to do it. The fuck, you know? Dude, what the fuck? She says to you, yeah, you're a painter. Oh, let me take my clothes off and you can paint my fucking twat. That's not art, dude.

That's foreplay. Give me a fucking break. It'd be one thing if you're in a classroom of people. It's just you and she's standing there naked. Dude, that's like one of the... Have they ever done that porn scenario in a porn? Jesus Christ, you might have found a new angle. Dude, that's phenomenal.

That is fucking phenomenal. Dude, you got to do it. You got to do it. Did John Elway retire when he only got one? He came back for another, right? You got to do it, dude. Dude, that's like when Bush fucking the first Bush. He stopped and he didn't get to dump.

It's a dump. You got to go all the way on this one, man. All right? You got to be like Marlon Brando in fucking Apocalypse Now. You just accept the fact you left the program. I don't care how mad these girls get. Dude, you are at the precipice

of becoming an absolute fucking legend. Who's going to be able to top that? Dude, there are celebrities who've had orgies, they've had five-on-ones and all that type of shit. Okay? But I guarantee you they never fucked three fucking girls in the same family

when they weren't famous. Not famous. You're doing this shit with the gift of gab, whatever the fuck you're doing. Dude, you do this. You got to write a book. You got to write a book. That's what you should do.

Collection of the most amazing pussy getting stories ever that you can somehow confirm. All right? And it has to be none of that bullshit. The second you get famous, you get money. That doesn't count. All right? That's garbage time.

Okay? They put the fucking second team in there and you just fucking hit layups. That's bullshit. I'm talking about just regular dude. You talk yourself into it. Dude, you're a fucking legend. You got to do it.

All right? There's my halftime speech. I'm going to quote Joe Bartnick quoting John Madden. Today is going to be the greatest day of your life, but only if you win. All right? You got to do it.

You got to fucking do it. Hey, what's going on? This is Bill Burr and this is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 21st, 2009. This is like the fifth time I've tried to start this thing. I don't know where to begin this week. I am psyched because I am in Los Angeles,

at least for today and tomorrow before I fly right back out again. I'm getting ready to do another special, so I have to do in comedy boot camp right now. I did a gig at Boston University this weekend, the weekend before I was in Philadelphia, the weekend before I was in Stockholm, Sweden. I think I had a week off.

And now I got a four week intensive right here where I just keep fucking going out and my act is going to get really tight during this time. But you can see those fat people on the biggest loser where they're like they're losing weight, but that look of pain when they're on the treadmill. That's what I have right now. I have the stand up comedy version of that, you know,

where there's some good looking woman who's sort of manly standing over me, going, you got to tell more jokes. Do you guys watch that show, Biggest Loser? The girl on the woman, the female, the broad on that show is like, I don't know, she's really, really hot, but she's really like manly. And I don't mean she looks like a man.

She just moves. There's like nothing dainty about her. Actually, some girl you kind of play fight with and then she just unleashed one into your ribs and you'd be like, okay, you definitely had older brothers because you know how to throw a punch. Why are your eyebrows so big? All right, so if you're new to the podcast

and I can't figure out why this fucking thing keeps redlining like that, turn down the record level here. Maybe that's the problem. If you're new to this podcast, I do one of these every goddamn week. I've been doing them for about two years at this point and I pretty much, I don't think I've really missed a week.

Really? I mean, occasionally I put them in on Tuesdays, but generally speaking, I don't miss a week. So they come out every Monday and people send me in questions. They send me in their list of stuff that they feel is underrated, overrated. We recommend some YouTube videos and websites. We interpret dreams.

I actually don't. You know what, that was one that I've been meaning to do. People keep asking me for advice and it keeps getting deeper and deeper and deeper. And evidently, I've been getting some decent reviews with my advice, but you've got to understand, you're talking to guys pretty much fucked up in every area of his life.

Like, here's one for you. Let me see if I can find this one, actually. What the hell was I? I was on the plane and I was going through the emails. I guess I'll have to paraphrase. This guy basically sent me in one that was asking advice and he said that he was married

to a Chinese woman who was like seven years older than him. They had a 10-year-old kid and he was from, like, Vietnam. I don't fucking remember. But all I know is they got a kid and he's tired. He's not attracted to her anymore. And he wanted some advice and it's just like, I don't know.

I mean, that sounds about right, you know? You've been together for how long? Now, why would I say something like that? See, that's why I don't want to fucking talk about stuff that that's got that fucking deep. You know what I mean? Yeah, I can see that. I think that's normal. Don't they call it like the seven-year-rich?

You know, you're in a relationship for like seven years or so? Or maybe 10 years and after a while, it's like, you know, when it comes to the physical thing, it's like there's no room left in your house where you haven't fucked. There's no position that you haven't done, you know? I mean, my girl's a pain in the ass. She was just walking out of the room, throwing her head back.

Are you serious? Are you seriously going to talk about me this week? Because if you are, I'm going to storm out. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you. Why do you always do that, Nia? You just stick your head in, you start looking at me like that's going to make me not be an asshole? I'm always going to be an asshole.

So anyways, this is what I did. This is why you can't be here when I do these, Nia. You have to leave. Close the door. Be a good girl. Come on. Come in, Nia. All right, well, you're distracting me. Close the door. Oh, that's a good girl.

You're the worst. You just keep walking in and out. It's fucking brutal. 11, 12, 13 seconds wasted. Don't you hate when your girl puts on flip flops? That's the worst. When they're being annoying and you keep hearing the sound of that sandal hitting the fucking heel of their foot. And you need to be a little more sensitive.

And then that silence you hear. You're walking through some horrific mall that you don't even want to be in. Oh, look at those sunglasses. Those are cute. I want sunglasses. There you go. There you go, guys. That's how you get rid of your girl. You start trashing what they're wearing and then they storm out.

And then I guarantee you six hours from now, she'll be like, do you really not like when I wear flip flops? I thought you liked those. Oh my God. Why didn't you say something? I just feel so stupid right now. You know, we should have an argument about how, you know, I know I can't stand about fucking women.

I just do this every week. But it's annoying. It's frustrating. I can't fucking stand the way they turn little things, nothing, into these big fucking, dramatic, falcon crest fucking moments where all of a sudden, like, I'm supposed to feel like sorry. I can't fucking stand that. You know, like I was flying back yesterday.

I couldn't, you know, from the East Coast, I can't find my keys. All right. Now, for those of you who listen to my podcast all the time, you know that I drive a hybrid like a fig. I drive a Prius, right? It's a great fucking car. I totally recommend it, especially if you live in a city. Why would you buy a sports car in a city, huh?

You're going to be stuck in traffic. The car is going to get all fucked up because you can't blow out the lines or whatever the fuck you're supposed to do. Actually, reality is I can't afford the car I want. So I'm just going to trash people who can. Anyways, plombing ahead. So how it works with the fancy Prius is you don't have to stick your key in the lock and you don't even have to press a button.

As long as it's on you, the second you get in the vicinity of the handle and you touch it, it unlocks. Okay. Which, you know, is supposed to be like, wow. Wow, we really are going to fucking have flying saucers some days like moment. You know, so evidently, but that that little mechanism. That's supposed to make my life so much easier. If I lose that thing, it costs like two or 300 bucks to get a new one.

And I can't just be like, well, why don't you just give me one that has a fucking key on it? Because I don't think that that option exists. Does it? No, maybe it does. I don't fucking know. So all I know is I thought I lost like that to a $300 thing. I hung around watching the Patriots jets. The game went a little bit long because those country reps called the fucking penalty every two seconds.

So now I was in jeopardy of missing my flight and I can't find my keys. So I'm rushing around the house. I tore apart my luggage like twice. All right. And then I call my girl up and she answers the phone. I'm like, I'm like, hey, did I leave my keys out in LA? They'll leave my keys out in LA. She goes, um, yeah, yeah, you left them in the car.

I said, okay, cool. All right. I'll, uh, no, no, no, she answered it right away. So she goes, yeah, you left them in the car. And I said, okay, okay. All right, cool. I'll call you from the airport. And she just goes, okay.

I just, yeah. I'm talking to me for a minute. You know, they create that fucking moment. You know what I mean? That's why women are not in battle in war right fucking there. You start giving quick fucking, you know, orders. Ah, yeah. I think you're asking me how my day in the foxhole went first before you just started

telling me to charge up the hill. No, that's okay. You know, I don't know. I don't, I don't tolerate that. So when they say shit like that, well, I guess, I guess you are too busy to talk to me. That's right. I am. All right.

See you later. You know, and then you just fucking go four, three, two, one. And then the phone calls again. What's the problem? Is there a problem? And then you're in it. You're in the fucking fight that they wanted. Yeah, you just can't fucking.

Actually, you can win. You can win. You're just going to live a lonely life, but you can win. And speaking of that, this is something I learned the other. You know, I use the word cunt a lot here on my podcast. And I don't know how the hell I came across this, but I would like to read to you guys about a street that existed in the middle ages by the name of grope cunt Lane. I'm not bullshitting you.

Grope cunt Lane. Pronounced grope cunt Lane. I like how they, they have to have that. Like I can't read English. Okay. Was a street name found in English towns and cities during the middle ages. Believe to be a reference to the prostitution centered on those in those areas. It was normal practice for medieval names, street names to reflect the streets function or economic activity taking place within it.

Grope cunt. The earliest known use of which is about 1230 after the death of that dude that everyone thought was holy appears to have been derived as a compound of the words grope and cunt. Don't you hate when people explain obvious shit? Like really? Yeah. I couldn't put the two of those grope cunt. What are the, everyone knows what groping is. You know, there's no other word for what else can grope mean and cunt is.

Yeah. Yeah. Grope cunt. I got it. Why do I have puberty lately on this? I got it. Ma. I really like this girl in class.

What do I say? Um, streets with that name were often in the busiest parts of medieval towns and cities. Yes. A red like district. And at least one appears to have been an important thoroughfare. Although the name was once commonly common throughout England changes in attitude results resulted in its being replaced by more innocuous versions such as grape lane. Grope cunt was last recorded as a street name in 1561. You know what I mean?

So all you guys out there used to have cool names for your stadiums. And now you have, uh, I need a job.com arena as opposed to like war memorial, Coliseum. It's been going on forever. All right. And you know, when they changed it to grape lane, that there was people who still called it grope cunt. And then there was people like, it's, it's grape lane. Okay. Have a little bit of class.

Um, go fuck yourself. What are people doing down there on grape lane? You know what? That, that is the beginning of like that clean comedy. And why, you know, something you need, you need grape lane for grope cunt to be funny. You need grape lane. I'm full of shit. It's just fucking annoying me.

Like does, does that mean because you call it grape lane, does that mean that there's any less fucking women down there getting, you know, getting their cunts groped? You know, do you guys know, I got, I got an email from somebody, uh, I don't know, a priest, a pastor, I don't know what the fuck it was. Some person who, a holy person and said that they saw me on TV and that they thought I was absolutely hilarious, but they wished, um, that I hadn't cursed as much because it was getting beat out a lot. And then they stumbled across my podcast and thought the podcast was also hilarious, but

just could not get past the fact of how much I curse. And, um, I don't understand people. I can see if you have a child there, but I just don't understand like adults who just like, uh, you know, it's like, dude, you're on the internet. Okay. There's nothing I'm saying that's going to be shocking. Good Lord. I don't know.

You know what, in, is he right? I don't fucking know. You know what? I don't have class. You know what they, you know what I like about having class? There's, there's, there's, there's a lack of honesty to it. You know what I mean? The second you put on a pair of, a pair of loafers in a blazer.

Okay. And all of a sudden people, look at him. He's a gentleman. He's a client. And then all of a sudden you start calling grope cunt, grape lane, and that, that's how it begins. You know, you start calling it human resources. Oh, that creepy shit.

I don't fucking know. You know, I like to say, fuck, I do. I like it. It feels good. You know, nothing. I, you know, something people out there who are clean, who don't curse as much. Can you, can you give me a word that, that, that, you know, when you're angry, like what word gets it out like that?

You can stress and then it ends with that. You know, you just, you just stick the landing like fucking Mary Lou Retton. Anyways, so whatever. My point is that there used to be a street called grope cunt lane, you know, back in a more honest time when they could behead you every five fucking seconds. You know, it's one of those deals where you look back on a time and there's certain things about it that you liked and other aspects you didn't. I mean, I like the fact that where the whores were was called grope cunt lane.

You know, I mean, shit, you don't even need a map. You don't need that. You know why they had that back then? They didn't have those little tourist brochures to let you know that where you, what part of the city you were in. Oh, it's right there on the corner of fucking rape me and grope cunt. Oh yeah. That's the red like district.

Okay. I got it. Cool. You know, and then the other side was, you know, blacksmith row and cobbler fucking lane. I don't, I don't know. You know what? I'm too stupid to improv with this right here, but you know what I'm saying. Actually, Bill, you know what?

We've known what you've been saying for the last 15 fucking minutes. Why don't you get on with the podcast? All right. It's already 1226 out here and I have something to do at one. So I gotta fucking get moving along here. Oh, and what I have to start doing is hyping my shit more towards the front because I think a lot of people get sick of me by the end of it. God knows I do.

So this week I'm going to be at the improv in Addison, Texas, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And I'm going to the Cowboys game. The Monday night game against the Carolina Panthers on, on the Monday. So if you see me stumbling through the parking lot because I will be drinking. All right. Please offer me a burger or something like that because I don't know if I'm going to have the person I'm going with is going to have a fucking grill.

You know, anyway, so let's plow ahead here. And after next week, the week after I'm going to be at the stress factory in New Jersey and the week after that, I'm going to be in Pittsburgh at the improv. Then I have a week off and then I'm at the improv in DC. So there's no excuse not to see me on the fucking East Coast. All right. Cause I just got back from Boston. I was in New York in May.

I've been everywhere. All right. All right, Bill. Exactly. I know I'm sorry. I just been like a real jerk lately been really like this. How I get when I I'm under the gun. I really shouldn't do like podcasts.

I was under the gun last week. I don't know. Let's, let's just plow ahead here. Oh yeah. Okay. Now people have been asking me a lot of advice. My girlfriend had this real weird dream the other day and I actually interpreted it to the point where she went, wow, that was pretty good.

And I was like, you know what? That'd be great. I should have podcast listeners. If you have some sort of, if you have one of those dreams, you just have no idea what it fucking meant. And maybe you need somebody's insight into it. Like he has one for you. I had a dream the other day.

I was flying on an airplane and for some reason I was faced in the opposite direction. Like I was on a train, you know, those little areas where you can have like people face each other and they can discuss the latest styles like it's the fucking 1800s. Yeah, I was sitting like that, right? I was sitting the other way and I was looking through plexiglass and I was watching George Carlin doing stand up. And for some reason he was missing his right hand. And I was like, holy shit, that's George Carlin.

I couldn't believe it. He's right fucking there. And what happened to his hand? And then when we went to get off the plane, all of a sudden he was really, really skinny and small and almost looked like a woman. He walked around the front. He had like a beard and he was missing his fucking hand. And what the hell did I say to him?

I said, well, you know, I think you're really funny or whatever. And then I can't remember what the fuck he said to me. He said something weird back to me and then walked away. And then I got back on the plane like it was a subway and it just continued on flying somewhere. You know, that's one of those dreams you just say to somebody and they're looking at you like, I don't know, dude, maybe you want to fucking, maybe you're fucking attracted to George Carlin and some fucked up. I don't fucking know.

That was just a weird ass fucking dream. Why is he missing a hand? Why did he look like a woman? You know, what's the deal with fucked up dreams? If you have fucked up dream like that one, because I can't make heads and tails of that one. Why was I faced in the opposite direction? Well, Bill, in life, you feel as though everybody's just going in this one direction and you don't agree with the direction.

You're going in the other direction. That's what you feel. And you want to get to where some of your heroes are, but there's this invisible piece of plexiglass that seems to stop you from going there. And a lot of times when you don't do what everybody else wants you to do, they say you're evil. And back in the day when people used to write with their left hands, they thought those kids were demonic and they used to slap their left hand

and make them write it with their right hand. So maybe because your hero was on the other side of that glass, he was evil and that's why he didn't have a right hand. See, I can do it. I can somehow find a fucking through line, you know? And then maybe you always want to hook up with Gloria on fucking all in the family. And that's why when you were walking behind George Carlin, he looked like an old Gloria.

All right, let's fucking, let's end this. All right, let's plow ahead here. We actually, for the first time on my podcast, I have a follow-up email from somebody that I gave advice to to see how shit worked out. And of course, I can't fucking find it. Why do I do this to myself? All right, as I search for it, I'll tell you.

Remember last week when I was telling you about the guy who had his brother cockblocked him? You know, at the party. You know, he meets a beautiful girl first. She asks for a piece of cake. He said, I'll go get you one. He leaves, he comes back, and then his fucking douchebag older brother is trying to get her number. Well, he wrote me back.

He said, well, here's what ended up happening. Okay, the next day after meeting that 26-year-old and having my brother steal her number, she ended up requesting me on Facebook. Gotta love the internet, he says. She then wrote me saying, nice to meet you. Thanks for the cake. I wrote back and we made some conversation

where I ended with hope to see you around again. She agreed and said the same, so fuck it. I asked for her phone number. Needless to say, she gave it to me. We played the phone game for a week. We made plans to go out to some club on Saturday. By the way, I'm not much of a dancer, but if necessary, I can bullshit my way through it.

My luck could not have been any better. We got there around 3 a.m. and the friend she came with ended up leaving thinking I was taking her home. Whether they planned that or not, I don't know. But we got to her house and she, a little tipsy, tells me to come up. She doesn't ask, would you like to come in? She casually tells me to come in.

Without getting too crude, I'm proud to say I fucked the shit out of her. Funny thing, while I was banging her, I remembered thinking to myself, wait till I tell Bill. Dude, I really hope this story is true. Alright? Because I want the best for all my 14 podcast listeners. I hope this happened.

Anyways, he said, I had to turn my head down and stop myself from laughing. Now, my brother, the cop, now, for those of you who didn't listen last week or two weeks ago, whenever the hell I read it, her brother's a cop. Alright? And he's also a cock-blocking douchebag, evidently.

The cop works the night shifts. Dude, he's not a cop, he's a fucking security guard. Stop it. I was wondering how the hell he became a police officer at 21. Probably works at a video store, the fucking creep. Anyways, he said, we ended up getting home at the same time, around 6 a.m. Him and his late ship security guard brother.

He said, I'm not one to rub shit in my brother's face, but he asked me what I ended up doing for the night, so I simply told him I chilled with that Monica bitch. His face said it all. With me getting home at that time, he was able to put two and two together. I'm not sure whether this counts as a revenge story or not, since I didn't take a bat to his squad car or anything,

but with the way shit turned out, I don't think revenge is necessary. Also, on a different note, alright, so we ended up getting it. Then the rest is about how he has four dogs, and unfortunately, he had to put one down, and he actually gave me good advice. He goes, you can't believe how much you miss your dog

when it's finally gone, so make sure you enjoy your dog. Which I did, and which I am. I wrestle my fucking dog. The dog likes to wrestle. Isn't that right, Cleo? Good dog. You a good dog? Fucking maniac.

You wake me up every morning. Anyways, alright, let's get on to... How about some YouTube videos for the week, everybody? Let me scroll down here. I actually have a website that I think is kind of blowing up on the internet right now, and I wasn't able to get to it. I think it got too many hits.

These kids started it. The website is People of Walmart. Just search for that, and I guess these people just walk around taking pictures of all the fucking freaks you see in a Walmart, and they just thought it was going to be something that would be funny amongst them and their friends,

and somehow it ended up on funny or die. So, evidently, it's hilarious. Check that out. And for sports fans, because we seem to have a lot of them on this, and even if you're overseas, you can actually enjoy this one. Search Bears Fan Catches Kick on YouTube.

Bears Fan Catches Kick. And it was basically from a Monday night football game about, I don't know, 24 years ago, 1985. 24 years ago, the Bears kick an extra point. It's going through the uprights and into the stands, and all of a sudden, coming from the right-hand side of the TV screen,

this guy just jumps. You know, like a stadium, like when you kick an extra point, it usually goes down into the alleyway where the player is running to. That's basically what it was. This guy is, like, fucking, you know, a good 20 feet in the air.

And the best part of it is, he's just completely standing up. I think I've actually talked about this before in the podcast. And he catches the ball with no fucking concern whatsoever about his own goddamn safety. I don't know who he landed on or what, but if he did that today in America, there'd be some sort of al-Qaeda 9-11 fucking

group of people that would go after this guy with his mullet and his Z-Caveriche. Like, he isn't just some drunk, coked-up football fan that can jump two stories without breaking his fucking ankle. They treat him like he was some sort of terrorist and put his face into the fucking ground.

But this is back in the day. All right, pre-all that bullshit. They actually showed the replay. We're talking about what a great catch it was. And Lynn Swan, the Hall of Fame fucking wide receiver, had one of the best World Series, best Super Bowls ever,

actually interviews the guy. So check that one out. Check that one out. Why don't you? All right, that's it. Now, let me get on to the advice. Like I said, I got to blow through it this week. I apologize. Hey, Bill.

So I was going out with this girl. She was real cute and real funny, and we had a lot in common. This is a fucking weird story here. He goes, we had gone out four or five times. So I thought I was getting, you know, semi-serious. Then one day she called me and told me we had to cancel a dinner

we had planned for later that week. She had a legitimate reason. So I was like, just like, I fuck it. Well, just reschedule, no biggie, right? So later in the week, I call her and get her voicemail and leave her a message asking if she was free a certain day to have dinner.

She never gets back to me. So I wait a few more days and I call her again. I end up leaving another message, fucking nothing. Never calls me back. At this point, I wait about a week and call again and leave one more message. Not a goddamn thing. What the fuck?

Who does that? Sorry, I got lost there. What the fuck? Who does that? Fucking at least call me. Tell me it's over. Tell me I'm lame. Say you have to wash your hair and you love life, but fucking call.

I've talked to my parents and friends and they have all consoled me and gave me advice or whatever, but I needed advice from... I want you to get some advice from you. All right. Well, let's be honest.

She took the easy way out. Um... You know, she obviously didn't want to see you anymore, obviously, and yeah, she took the fucking easy way out who's getting who? Breaking up with somebody is one of the hardest things. The fear of it.

You know, I saw this thing on intervention one time where they were talking about drug addicts and they say, basically, they'll spend 20 years avoiding, you know, 10 days of pain by continuing to medicate themselves

because in their head the pain of going through getting clean is so fucking huge that they'll contain... they'll go through 20 years of fucking hell. You know? And that's what relationships can be like

where people get into relationships and they want to break up with someone they just don't know how to fucking do it. And they're just thinking, oh, my God, I'm going to break this person's heart. They're going to cry. I want to feel horrible. You know, and for guys, what if they start screaming and throwing shit

and charging me, you know, when they threw a bookcase at me, it bounced off my big forehead and then hit their big toe, you know? Um... So... I know this is going to sound fucked up, but is...

she kind of... she did you a favor in a weird... she obviously felt that there wasn't the connection to make it long-lasting. And I know she took the coward way out, but at least she figured out a way

to get out of it before she fucking ripped your heart out of your chest. I mean, I know it probably sucked, but it didn't seem like, you know, you've been going... You said you're going out four or five times, so I thought it was good. You know, you went out like four or five times, dude. I mean, that's some shit.

You can get over that at a keg party, you know? A couple of fucking plastic 16 ounces and you grab the fucking you know, or whatever. Talk a little bit of shit. You know,

she did you a favor, man. So, I don't know how old you are, but this girl sounds like... you guys sound like you're young. And when you're young, you really don't know how to do it. Um... The best way I found to do it, I mean, we actually should have like a fucking class on that, how to break up with somebody.

First of all, you got to psych yourself up mentally to do it. And you just have to be like, alright, we're going to talk at two, and my life is going to suck from about two to possibly four-thirty or five.

And I just have to understand that the next three hours of my life is going to suck, you know? It's kind of like if you had a fight a kid after school, you're like, okay, we're fighting around three by the time my buddy, mine, he's always getting the fights.

That's what I... because I used to be like, dude, what the fuck do you fight like that? And he goes, I just think in an hour I'm going to be home, I'm going to be in my bed, everything's going to be fine. It's kind of the same way I look at like, you know, back in the day when I do a college gig

and they just had me standing in a fucking hallway with no microphone. And I'm like, alright, this is going to be absolutely humiliating, but in an hour from now, I'll have my check and I'll be in my fucking, you know, Buick Skylark, I'm Avis or whatever and I'll be fucking

driving away from here and it'll just be a funny story who gives a shit. So that's kind of what you have to do and you can't leave and there's no daylight. And a great way to stop, to start is just to say that you're not happy. You know, I'm not happy.

I'm just, I'm not happy. You know, you're a great person, you can do, you know, all of that type of stuff. It's horrible, but you know, it's not working for me and I have to figure out why and I just, this just doesn't feel right and you got to, and you just

get that out and once you get that out, then the fucking tears and all the bullshit comes and then you just, you fucking you just got to stand there and take it. You know, and it's just getting through

that first major fucking day of it and then you got to have other conversations. It's fucking brutal. It's fucking brutal. So getting back to this, look, you know, you guys sound like you're young and I just don't think that she has the mental ability to be like, yeah, listen, you know, we've gone out like four or five times.

I think you're a really nice guy, but I just don't feel like it's going to go anywhere else and who's kidding who, if she did that, you'd still be just as fucking pissed. But it is weird when they just disappear off the face of the earth like that. I've had that man, I had the classic shower

and a roommate sucked it lying and was, she's in the shower. Call back in a half an hour and I called back in a half an hour. Um, she's repairing her credenza. Call back in 17 minutes and I called back in 17 minutes. Dude, I called what a fucking moron.

I must have called like eight times and then they finally stopped answering the phone. You know, you ever have that like you're avoiding somebody's call and in like thinking they're finally not going to call and then the phone rings and you literally get that little fucking heart attack in your chest. You're almost scared of the goddamn phone.

Um, whatever dude, she didn't know how to break up with you and she did and she did you a favor dude because she could have stuck with you for another six months and you could have been walking around telling all your friends how much you love her and how great she is and then she dumps you out of fucking nowhere

or bangs one of your friends and then you got to carry, you could carry that shit around for eight years and you know what you do, you end up you start going out hurting other girls who had nothing to fucking do with that. So in a weird way, consider yourself lucky. You're out of it, you know. Why would you want to waste any more time

with someone who's not into it anyways? You're absolutely right. It was fucked up. She should have called you but she's just not at that level of maturity and you got a life to lead so there's no reason to carry around anymore. You understand me? So you go out there, you have a couple of drinks, you talk some shit to some brats this weekend

and put her fucking behind you and it's football season. You know? Go fire up the fucking grill and forget about her. Alright, here we go. Moving on. Next one. Bill. I want you to couple of your shows and videos so you stand up. I really enjoy your work. Thank you.

Alright. I've been listening to your podcast. Alright, here we go. I am a sophomore and I'm attending a public school that has a reputation for being dumb where slutty girls and obnoxious boys roam freely until

the bell rings. You know what school I thought you were describing? There's a school on the Upper West Side. What the fuck? I think Paris Hilton went to it. See, I chased him out. She knew the name of it.

I think it was called the Dwight School. And the people said it stood for dumb white idiots getting high together. Because I guess they were all like rich kids. And this kind of sounded like you were describing.

Anyways, that's an old story. Not only does my school have bratty, annoying, almost unbelievably ignorant students, but it is also located in Las Vegas. Oh, that's right. That's how I knew it wasn't that school. The hottest

slash coldest hole in the West. I am basically a nobody at school. When other people talk to me in school, they usually describe me as quiet. I'm the person who, when that one person they talk to all the time doesn't show up, seems more lost and more lonely than usual.

I'm very introverted and people don't really warm up to me, although I secretly wish they would. My grades are usually high, but since I have always been mousy, I usually have problems making speeches and presentations due to not speaking loudly enough and not making any eye contact.

I'm easily embarrassed and mistake prone. And when I'm around my friends friends, when I'm around my friends, friends, teachers and anyone I find intimidating, all I do is sit there awkwardly hoping I never have to talk to them. To sum it up, I'm socially inept.

You really should have said to sum it up, you're a teenager. This is how I was. I was socially retarded. Right up until sophomore year in high school, if a girl even talked to me, my face turned beet red. That's fucking

embarrassing to admit, but it's true. It was pathetic. And I was only funny around my immediate group of friends. If I was in a class and it was basically a middle of the pack class and there was no real popular people in there either guys

or the cheerleader girls, then I would be myself. But if any of the popular people, I just knew my role and I just shut the fuck up. So, to this day I have a lot of people who I knew in my past that are like, how the fuck did you end up being a comedian dude? You're so fucking

quiet. Because I was a fucking psycho. Anyways, the person goes on and says, the only people who live in this plain, bug infested house are my mother on a life, or his life.

I didn't even see who the fuck this was. Guy or girl, sorry about that. Bug infested house are my mother and me. My dad pays for the major bills like the mortgage and rent but doesn't live with us for most of the year. He works as a retired

civilian for the Navy, doing janitorial work on the ship, which I was outside the country. My mom works currently at a Vietnamese supermarket and is a cashier. Yes, she is Vietnamese and like most people from there that I observe, she only cares for Vietnamese and Chinese people.

That's hilarious because I told that guy he was being sensitive a few weeks ago when he was talking about the fucking that lady at the front desk of the dentist office being reverse racist. And I was like, there's no way that happened. See, this is why you shouldn't listen to me. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. And I'm going to use your mother

as the litmus test for everyone in Asia. I should just shut the fuck up here. Anyways, I can't stand her prejudices against other races. The biggest, most recent mistake she has made so far is she's tried to open a business and it's failed in less than a year, which is pretty pathetic. We ended up being bankrupt

and living without water and electricity and had to move around a little bit. After a while, we had to make a big change in lifestyle, which was to move to Las Vegas. I was furious and upset. I guess this person used to live in San Diego in a neighborhood

and always had a good time out there. And now you're at the house. My two best friends lived in San Diego and we share so much in common knowing each other in grade school. And thirdly, my sisters would visit me and take me out of the house and away from my mother.

So, what are you asking me here? Did I skip something? Oh, I have a major reason why I don't want to leave. Okay, your mom's taking you out there. One, we lived in a nice looking suburb network. Okay, all my friends are there. My parents, so I haven't, okay. Even though I can't get away from my current situation

of life, I'm worried about going to college and living on my own. Was moving away from your parents and living independently hard for you. Is there anything I should be warned about? No, you just need to relax and realize that you're a cool person and you're

overthinking shit. Everything's going to be fine. If you want to learn how to come out of your shell, you just work at it the same way you would fucking learning how to play a guitar, which is basically do it every day. You know, I sucked a guitar three years ago and now I'm getting halfway decent

at guitar because I try to play it every day. And the shit that I still suck at is the shit I don't work at. So, what I would do if I was you is just work at coming out of your shell. You can try it, you know, you go out, you buy something, try to make a little chit chat with

the person behind the register if it's not fucking automated and give yourself license to suck in the beginning. That's a big thing about improving shit in your life I found is to forgive the fact that in the beginning when you try to talk to other people

you're not going to be good at it first. And let me ask you this, have you ever opened your mouth and said something and then an entire room of people turned around, looked at you and said what the fuck and then they all beat the shit out of you? I mean, that was my fear. That was my fear

in high school that that's what was going to happen. You know what? It never happened. When I finally did open my mouth people were like, hey, you're funny. You should have been more like that in high school. You could have been fucking those fucking cheerleaders, you know? So hence I have a lot of regret about that period in my lifetime

because I wasn't being myself so I don't know, if you're underage you got to go with your mom so, you know you got to go out there just fucking ride it out and you know what? It's going to make you a stronger person to go out there and it'll be a great exercise in coming out of your shell to go there, be the new kid

meet some new people and as far as moving out, the best advice I can give you is get a can opener and all that little innocuous bullshit that you take for granted in your mother's house and then, I don't know, don't hang around with assholes

you know? Don't hang out with psychos and I don't mean psychos like they're standing there with the bloody axe but you know those people people play like fucking mind games with you and you feel them getting competitive with you those aren't friends you know? It can happen like one or two times but you address it and if it continues to happen

dump them because it's just, you know those are the kind of people that if you start doing well in life they actually resent you and it's kind of like that guy before earlier that I was talking about where that woman kind of you know, saved them a lot of pain

by leaving early you can do that with friends yourself does that make any sense? the second you start seeing someone being a douche if your gut is telling you that, they are a douche and there's no reason to be around them but I hope that helped you out I'm kind of rushing through here though

because I got only like eight minutes left here before I got to get on alright, Bill here's the last advice when I'm going to read Bill, I've been going out with this girl I love how I'm giving relationship advice yet I've never had a successful relationship although I like to think this one's a little successful

don't you, Nia, who's sneaking around the room you find this relationship successful? we have healthy arguments, don't we? yeah yeah wow, that was hilarious for you that didn't sound like a good yeah, we do

alright, you know what? I always write the first time, beat it, let me finish this you didn't have to put that over there you're just trying to stay in here longer alright, let's plow ahead here Bill, I've been going out with this girl for a little over a year and she's been, she's beginning to piss me off Jesus Christ, you know what, this question could be

about 9,000 people right now she complains about not having any money and never offers to pay when we go out somewhere but when she goes out with her friends to the bar or something, she spends it like no fucking tomorrow as a man, I don't mind paying for shit most of the time but fucking offer to pay

you know, but fucking offer to pay would be a great, would be great sometimes but fucking offering to pay see, it's not always my reading sometimes people don't write shit correctly, but fucking offering to pay would be great sometime I don't want to seem like an ass

making the girl pay for shit but give me a fucking break times have changed, equality is prevailing so why don't you throw some dough like the guys do what should I do to get her to start spending some money on me, or at least fucking offer without me making me

out to be the dick basically tell me what you just told me and take out all the fucks seriously dude, that's the secret you have to and I had to do this because I have a temper and I say fuck every other word I would literally sit down

with a piece of paper and I would write the two or three points that I was trying to make and just to make sure that I didn't you know, that this is what I wanted to say and then I would also

and then I would draw, this is how much of a psycho I was I had to draw a little smiley face next to it, which would remind me not to say it with my usual angry east coast tone alright, so what you have to tell her is that

basically what you tell me, then a big thing with women you gotta tell her how it makes you feel when she doesn't offer to pay yet you have to sit there and listen to her you know, complaining about money yet she doesn't offer to pay and how it makes you feel when you then see her throwing

money around with her friends and makes you feel like what like she's treating you see, I was gonna say like an ATM see, this is what happens when I don't write shit down that's very hostile you treat me like a fucking ATM what, I'm not good enough to spend fucking money on you fucking whore

see, you can't go that route oh Jesus Christ Cleo what the fuck are you eating lately just gassing me out you know, so I am convinced with dogs there is no like there's no toxins built up in them

they just don't give a shit they got a fucking rip one they just do anyways, that's what you have to do you gotta tell her how that makes you feel you know and just I don't know you know what, the more you do it

you're gonna learn how to do it and it's like key words that you can use with women that makes their ears perk up without getting mad at you is basically, if you say it makes me feel like this and you use words like you know, I just kind of feel like there's a lack of respect there I mean that's

you gotta go like this way more sort of mature way and not because they're more mature, so get off your high horses ladies you just have to go that way or else they will fucking turn it around on you okay the fact that you're fucking paying for everything somehow

that point will somehow be in the wrong and there's two ways to know you're winning an argument with the female is one, they're trying to pull some fucking jujitsu double reverse, two point reversal

fucking move on you and a lot of times last, their last ditch, suicide, bomber fucking move, move is they cry alright the thing about is a guy, if you want to win an argument with the woman, okay

and I'm not just saying win, but you really want to make your point when you know you're right, because you're right on this one if your version of what's going on is actually going on, you're fucking right on this one okay so what you have to do is not lose your cool, you cannot get you don't take the bait and she'll do shit

she'll bring up shit from your fucking childhood she'll bring up, oh and you didn't do the fucking dishes she'll do something right, okay if you do it, it all depends on her personality if she's a real defensive, combative person you really got to watch out for that breed

okay those little terrier fucking women what you got to do is just know that she's going to say all that stuff and that you got to keep you fucking cool and once they start, you know, if they go name calling or something like that, that's just that's hostile

they basically that the fucking word I can never remember god damn it you know, uh, capitulate that's a great word too if you use that calmly that's basically is when you just abandon the argument

and you just start reverting to like name calling or you abandon your argument and they start agreeing with you or something like that I don't fucking know it just sounds great to say it but anyways you got to do you got to write down what you want to say

say it and just say how you're feeling take out all the fucks and if she tries to turn around on you you know, by bringing if she starts bringing up other shit well you do this will you do that and don't allow that

you know what I mean and if she wants to talk about how you leave your shoes in the middle of the living room before we discuss that can we finish discussing this bring it back, it's like fucking law and order you got to cross examine them

and I'm telling you watch out for that crying bullshit alright, cause that's a latch that's their fucking 60 yard field goal or Hail Mary pass when they know that they're gonna fucking lose and I'm telling you they're all, they're like Meryl Streep that's why I'm not blown away by Meryl Streep

okay, you know half my girlfriends can fucking act as good as she can that's bullshit she's a great actress and a douche so anyways, there you go that's how you do it, alright and that's how you win an argument

at least that's how you make your point okay, and if they want to revert to name calling and bring up shit from your childhood just don't take the bait and then what's gonna end up happening is they're just gonna be sitting there feeling like a jerk and you know, if they're mature enough

then they'll apologize for the name calling and say I was actually wrong blah blah blah, but if they're psycho they'll actually try to cry their way out of it and just know this, that when an adult is beyond the age of 8

if you didn't punch them in the face or call them some horrific name, there's really no reason to be crying so if they are crying you know it's like those fucking commercials you hear on the radio they give you a free car

and you don't have to give them any money until like September of 2015 it sounds like bullshit it has to be somehow you're getting fucked and that's the same way it is most of the time when women are crying alright, okay, let's get on to some questions here

oh by the way I gave this guy shit talking about how games weren't invented in England what the fuck is he talking about and here's somebody actually was trying to tell me said, I thought I would respond to your comment about what sports

did the English invent I think the English did invent baseball, it was called rounders like in the 17 or 1800s and it was played mostly by girls, not kidding, look it up I actually looked it up and it seems like, yeah there is a game

called rounders but that's one of those, you know, that's like one of those things like somebody invents a guitar and then they take credit for Jimi Hendrix you know I don't know, maybe I'm exaggerating I just don't understand why, if there is a game like baseball in England, why you would play cricket

and don't they wear a bunch of pads those big catcher pads, don't they wear that shit anyways, let's plow ahead besides what you mentioned on the podcast they also invented, he wrote bobsleigh is that bobsledding tennis

ping pong, table tennis, golf and badminton well if you want to take credit for those fucking sissy games go for it, badminton really ping pong I like how you keep inventing games that then other people dominate, golf,

Tiger Woods, thank you ping pong, china you lose that one tennis, what was the last time you said England won the fucking Wimbledon never you got to go back to when only white people were allowed to play, they wore little fucking

cut off slacks no, actually they wore slacks, that's right they wore full length pants they had wooden rackets that they later used to hit a woman over the head with to fucking have a girlfriend badminton who plays badminton, members

of your royal family alright, I said I wasn't going to be a jerk and I ended up being a jerk I was out here with the questions Bill, I recently started, you know what it's 103, what the fuck am I doing I got to get to the questions next week I gave out a lot of advice this week

no, always no, my disclaimer I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about all I can do is judge go for my own life here how I've handled some shit as the psycho that I am alright, shit, that was 53 minutes so I didn't even do a short one

hope you guys all have a good week I'm in Addison at the Improv this weekend I'm at the Stress Factory in New Jersey next weekend and the weekend after that I'm at the Improv in Pittsburgh I'm petting my dog with my foot go to billburr.com B-U-R-R for all of my other

all my other dates or all the information on the dates that I mentioned, God bless all of you have a great week everything's new everything's new you tell for sure I survive tonight and call and I know everything's new

everything's new under the train I've found a way under the train I've found a way under the train beautiful city lights look bright tonight I'm calling out for you everything's new

under the train I've found a way under the train under the train I'm calling out for you that is it from Albert Heijn