Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-22-14

Episode Date: September 22, 2014

Bill rambles about Scotland, the tomahawk chop and technology.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a children's menu free at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Ikea. That's good. I had to wait till you responded.

You see that? That's the new me. Trying to be a little more courteous. Trying to listen to the listener. No, to the speaker. That's how much I interrupt people. I actually call the other person talking the listener. I call the speaker the listener.

That's how I do it. That gives a fuck. Anyways, I got another goddamn busy week. I've been writing on this show that I'm trying to get on the fucking air and I'm not going to tell you really what it is

because it doesn't make a difference because most of them don't end up making it. But I've been in the bubble doing that all fucking day and then at night I'm trying to go out and write some new jokes because I got some shows coming up. I'm going to be in San Francisco. We just added another show

at the Davies Arena, whatever the fuck it's called. So I appreciate everybody in San Francisco. I plan on kicking the shit out of you and giving you your money's worth. So I've been going out like every night here in Los Angeles trying to get up on stage somewhere. Somehow somewhere.

And I've been writing during the day. I got a fucking job everybody. You know, I got a little passcode key. I come in, say hello to the fucking person at the desk. How are you? And I fucking do the little swipey thing and I go in there.

Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop boop boop and I fucking go in there and I try to come up with some funny shit to add to the other funny shit that other people are writing. No Jesus. It's actually been a lot of fun to be honest with you

and I'm learning. I'm learning to write. I'm learning how a script comes together which I never knew how to do it because I was too scatterbrained in life. I'm a fucking quitter. I really am.

When I go do something, if it's easy and it's fun, I keep doing it. If there's a little bit of work to it that brutal combination is if there's a little bit of work and I don't like it, I'm done. And that would explain my high school transcript.

I did horrible in high school. I don't know how. If that was a PGA tournament I would not have made the cut. I think freshman year I might have made the cut but sophomore, no.

Junior, no and especially not senior year. It was over. It was fucking over. You know what my fucking high school performance was like? Basically the Broncos last year's Super Bowl. I walked up to the line of scrimmage

and I'm like I'm going to be a lawyer. I'm going to Notre Dame. Freshman year. First play from scrimmage. Everybody yelling. I went right up over my head for safety. I never got the rhythm back. And there was no rhythm.

There was nothing. I did really well right up to 8th grade. Not really really well but I did great. I gradually tapered off. Like my academic career from 1st grade to 12th grade was like an athlete's career. I had young fresh legs

and everything was going great. I was bouncing up after hits and tackles and all that shit. I cruised through 1st, 2nd and 3rd grade and I got my first C I think in 4th grade. Then in 5th grade

I had to quit my baseball team because I got a D in math. Then 6th grade I came back strong. Contract year. Going into 7th grade. 7th grade I did decent. 8th grade I did decent. Didn't quite live up to the big contract

they gave me after that stunning 6th grade year. And then 9th grade. I don't know. I blew out my Achilles. Came back from injury and the sophomore. I just shit the bed. It was over. By senior year I was wearing my Joe Namath Rams jersey.

Academically speaking. It was fucking over. That's the way it was back in 1987. This is the Monday morning podcast. Any new listeners out there how are you? Welcome to people who listen to this around the world. What the fuck happened in Scotland?

I thought that they were going to break away. I thought they had had enough. As I shouldn't read up on it at all I should just start talking about it. You know? That's my God-given right as a fucking American, right? Scotland. Independence.

Let's see what happened. Well the fuck's a fucking card. The podcast. You're fucking scared wearing cunt. Polls were pretty bad it says. Scotland faces challenge of putting referendum behind them. Oh yeah you just stirred everybody up.

There's probably even more fights in the buzz. I can't do a Scottish accent. The only reason why I could say what I already said was because it was said to me. Other than that I can't do it. I'm like a really bad impersonator. You know what I mean?

Like a really bad impression is all they do is the shit that people say in the movies. Like I'll be back. They just do that. Or they can actually do Arnold Schwarzenegger in therapy. Talking about having a child at a wedlock. You know?

Anyways. I'm all over the fucking place. The pros and cons of Scottish independence. As if your life wasn't boring enough. Let's talk about this shit. I think it's a good move that they didn't break away. Right?

Does Scotland have an army? Or a navy? Go fuck yourselves. Alright? I'm sorry that I don't know this shit. Okay? Why don't you fucking invade somebody every once in a while? And maybe I'll know about your teams over there.

Alright. The referendum ends one debate. But Spock's a new question about the devolution of power to Scotland. I hope I said that right. Scotland has rejected independence following my turnout at yesterday's referendum. Chief Counting Officer Mary Piccadilly

whatever the fuck her name is has officially announced that no side won by 55 percent oh the no side. I'm the worst. That the no side won by 55 percent to 45 percent. No normal person was allowed

to count the votes so everyone has to take that as fact. The clack in my shashashire council was the first local authority to announce its results at around 1.30 a.m. who gives a fuck. Union has celebrated victories. Blah blah blah blah blah. Nationalists won

Dundee by 50 blah blah blah. What the fuck? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. When did Scotland become part of the UK? The acts of union between Scotland and England were passed in 1706 taking effect. Didn't they get taken over? I don't know.

Something happened there. Next thing you know, Mel Gibson was in dress. That's all I know. He was in a skit. Why are you going to... I don't know anything about it. I don't know anything about it but I bet there was a bunch of old Scottish people who didn't want to upset.

They were going to take the evil that they knew rather than the unknown evil. What are they doing? Taxing the shit out of you? Making you do the shit jobs? Is that what it is? What would have happened to England if Scotland... Can you guys answer me these fucking questions because I'm not going to read up on it.

What would have happened to the power of England? You know? Which I don't even know what it's based on at this point because they don't own shit anymore, do they? What do they own? They got like the Canary Islands and Northern Ireland and Scotland and Wales.

Right? Falkland Islands. Didn't they lose that? Something happened over there like 30 fucking years ago and all of a sudden the planes were taken off straight up in the air. Remember that? Way back in the day, Nancy Reagan,

Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher. I don't fucking know. I don't know what happened. I can't believe how little I even know about it. I don't know anything about it. I'm going to shut up then. Well, congratulations to people of Scotland

who didn't want to leave and I feel bad for those who did and I really wish I could have talked about it a little more intelligently but once in a while you just think the water is like two inches deep and next thing you know you're in over your head. That's what happened to me.

Oh Jesus, that might have been the worst discussion of anything political ever. That was even bad for me. That was a fucking embarrassment. I'll tell you right now if that last conversation was indicative of what this podcast is going to be I can tell you right now I don't think

he's going to get it done this week. If you think that you're going to have a good podcast in the National Podcasting League with that type of performance what does that say about his preparation? Do the American change? I didn't watch any of that. Do you guys watch any of the pre-game analysis?

I have a rental car, still a rental car. I haven't seen my fucking truck in like months because the people fixing the downstairs I got to walk through my garage and I don't want to get it scratched, I don't want to leave it out on the street. So I got it in storage. It started up once a week. That's my life.

So anyways, I've been driving this fucking car. I got this new one and I suck with technology. I can't figure out how to turn the radio on to auxiliary so I can listen to my fucking show tunes there as I drive down the street. Roll out the barrel. It's the kind of music I listen to when I drive.

You know? I listen to Funny Girl. Oklahoma when there's something, something and there's something, right? I don't know any fucking show tunes. Wait a minute. To dream the impossible dream

To dress like a fucking kitty cat To descend on a glowing moon Well, a crowd of old hags and some young

homosexuals Cry in the crowd. Um, anyways Sorry. Alright, what the fuck am I talking about here? There was something I wanted to talk about before I started singing show tunes. Oh yeah,

I was driving down the fucking street in the car and I can't figure out how to listen to my goddamn songs. So I've just been listening to Sports Talk Radio. Because I don't want to listen to real news. It's too fucking depressing. I don't want to listen to them trying to sell me on the idea that we just

have to go into Syria. You know? We just gotta do it. It's our job to go over there and tell these people, hey, hey, hey, that's about enough for that. As we suck

their natural resources out of the fucking ground and bomb the living shit out of innocent people standing around, you know? I don't want to listen to them sell me in on another one of those. It's initial freedom. The way they are treating their women. Uh, something needs to be done.

I don't give a fuck. I don't care anymore. Alright? Oh, and I would vote. I would vote if you actually fucking countered them. Um, and if I wasn't lazy as shit, I got a big pamphlet today that was telling me all about the local officials and I just took one look at that. It's written on

recycled paper. It's overcast paper. That's what it looks like. Overcast skies, except it's typing on it. They do it on purpose. Who the fuck is gonna read that? Um, so anyways, I was driving down the street

and I'm listening to that mic and mic in the morning and like I've been, I've been really hard on these fucking pregame, postgame sports talk guys. I actually now have empathy for them. I understand what they're doing. There's just too much time. There's too much airtime

between games and they just have to talk everything to death. And this week, I swear to God, Mike Golic of the Mike and Mike show, right? They read a letter

and it was somebody who's basically, he was respectfully tired of listening to the Adrian Peterson story, the Ray Rice story and all of that shit. And it was just like, can we just get back to talking about football? Signed a

tired football fan and I swear to God I'm paraphrasing but this is kind of what Golic said. He goes, you know what I wanna do? I wanna right now I don't wanna talk to the players. I don't wanna talk to the owners. I don't wanna talk to the media. I wanna talk to you

the fan. No, no, Mike, Mike, this is something that I wanna get out there is is this game your safe haven? Is it your safe haven? Like on Sunday

when you sit down in your chair and and you take out your favorite beverage is that your safe haven? Is the national football, he kept saying is that your safe haven? What the fuck

does that mean? How simplistic and fucking stupid do they think the average football fan is? Was I supposed to be driving in my car going Hey, it's my safe haven. I feel a haven of safety when I watch football.

What the fuck is he talking about? I gotta tell you something. This is really immature me. I hate when overweight people bring up food. I don't know what it is, but I swear to God you can already hear them salivating. I never had to issue with

the word beverage until I heard Mike Golik say it. And you take out your favorite beverage. I just heard the fucking ice hitting the inside of the glass and I swear to God I wanted to drive into a fucking pole. I had to shut it off like three times, but I was like, no, this is good for the podcast.

You got to listen to it. And he just is it is it your safe haven? I mean, just absolutely out of shit to talk about. I mean, I didn't want I didn't what the what the fuck is that? I didn't listen to it long enough to somebody actually call in. A safe fucking

haven. You know what, I'm going to look that up right now and I want to see examples of safe havens. I know exactly what they are. It's like captains in the middle of a fucking storm trying to find a port so they don't get smashed on rocks. Yeah, either that or some fat fucking is pajamas

with some potato skins watching football. Yeah, just let's just let's just fucking devalue safe haven. I'm looking it up right now. Well, it was a movie. There's a film. It's a county. How about a fucking definition?

Well, Bill, why don't you search for that and stop yelling at a screen? All right. All right, definition safe haven a place of refuge or security temporary refuge given to a persecuted person or group.

So is he trying to say that we're persecuted by them saying talking about the same shit day after fucking day after day. Is it your safe haven an officially protected place in an area of military activity

or any safe or peaceful place in a dangerous area. All right. I mean, my nuts to say that he overstepped the bounds of the definition of that word to apply it to sitting there fucking eating pizza and drinking booze.

You know, I don't fucking know. Anyways, and I'm sitting there going like how fucking dumb does this guy think the average football fan is and then I watched the FSU game

and I am a huge fan of Florida State. I've always loved the Seminoles. I want to go to a game. I went to I did a show down there like a year and a half ago, but I got to tell you something. I watched this fucking game and in the first drive alone, they played

that fucking what are you called the Tomahawk chant song. They must have played it like seven times. Right. And the fucking crowd is going like the fucking arms. I get it. Everybody's got their little

thing that they do, you know, and you know, whatever you just kind of fucking mocking a group of people that were victims of genocide. I mean, who's to say? I mean, if the Nazis,

you know, if they won World War Two, would they not have had their version of the Tomahawk chop with Jewish people? What would they be doing? What if you were doing, if the Nazis won and then they fucking named their team offensive names about Jewish people,

what would the Tomahawk chop what would it be? Whatever the fuck you is. Fuck you. I'm sorry. What do you want from me? I'm tired. Right. They would all have like fucking they'd be dressed like Cicidic Jews or something like that, but cartoonish

versions like one of them would come out riding a fucking horse with a goddamn briefcase of some shit and he'd fucking go to slam it down on the 50-yard line forgetting it was handcuffed to his wrist and he'd turn his head into a lawn dart something like that, right?

Oh, he'd be yada, yada, yaw the Berlin Woody Allen's Berlin Woody's Sorry. What do you want from me? Anyways,

what the fuck? And what was worse was they kept cutting to the crowd and you know, I thought I heard nothing, you know I always heard that the chicks at FSU were fucking I heard they were hot dude

all I saw it looked like you know, there was a hurricane and everybody I don't know they looked for a safe haven in fucking in fucking Walmart and they just opened the door and all these fucking zombies came out

it was just a bunch of people standing there mindlessly moving their fucking like like I'm telling you like 15 20 times a half 40 times in a fucking game you're sitting there doing that shit and I just you know what I want to do right now

I don't want to talk to the players I don't want to talk to me, I want to talk to the fans I want to talk to the fans in that fucking stadium like what is going through your fucking head the 30th the 35th fucking time you're doing that at any point do you sit there

and start to question whether you're an individual anymore what kind of a fucking person I don't know, I've never been to the game do you take a few of them off right, you know what I'm going to do at this time just so I can keep a piece of me right, I don't know, don't listen to me

I am completely social like beyond belief and the stuff that actually makes me mad it's weird, I like can't stand people and I also like them I can't stand them to the point I don't want to be around them but when I see them doing shit that I feel they're above

it makes me sad for them like I was sad for some of those people when I looked at them like what do you do come on you know I don't want to use that hacky term you're better than that I hate when people say that shit you're better than that it's like you know what you're better than you're better than that, alright

don't try your fucking first grade psychology on me oh baby I am better than that, oh I guess I agree with you now give me a fucking break it's like when you see people waiting out for a fucking phone like those fucking losers

I get it you're into it, I get it that you're into it alright whatever the fuck I'm into alright whatever, I like playing drums let's say they came out with the greatest fucking drum kit you could ever fucking have and I wanted it

worse than I wanted anything in my life like the way those fucking kids like the goddamn iPhone this I'm not sleeping out on a sidewalk for it when a week later I could just walk in like a fucking human being go yeah let me get one of those thank you

box it up they're rusty, right gotta be the first one gotta be the first one that has the phone you know I asked this week on Twitter I asked what Roku was somebody gave me a Roku right I had no idea what, I opened it

and I had no idea what it was and um you know what's funny I so didn't even know what it was I don't even like read I noticed that about myself like it said Roku right on the box

but I was just looking at the picture of it and I was reading the fine print immediately and I didn't know what the fuck it was so I did a live podcast with Al Madrigal and I was trying to describe what it was because I didn't know what it was

and Neil Brennan I gotta give him props actually called it he said is it a Roku and I think I said no anyways I tried looking it up on the internet in the description of it I still didn't understand what it was so like an asshole I asked on my twitter

I go hey does any, I just said you know what's a Roku and you can't believe this shit I understand like the funny answers that people gave me but there was a lot of people giving me fucking shit like I was a moron or something I don't get that shit talking

with technology where just because you go out and you buy the latest thing like that somehow makes you smarter than me no I can see if you invented it it's like the person who invented Roku said I was a fucking moron I mean I gotta take that one on the chin

but if you're just another mouth-breathing moron like me walking around a fucking Best Buy and you walk in and you buy a Roku I mean I don't get the fucking shit talk that's all I'm saying all these nerds all of a sudden acting like cornerbacks in the NFL

getting in my fucking face on twitter Jesus I feel like I'm bitching a lot this week let's do a little advertisement let's do a little advertisement here alright alright what the fuck is it

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I watched a bunch of football I've got to tell you I've got to tell you I've got to be a little concerned with what I saw up there in Foxboro with the New England Patriots you know what the Patriots have been doing forever is we get rid of guys

we get rid of veterans in the final third of their career when they want the big bucks we kind of let them go Ty Law, Lawyer Malloy that fucking defensive tackle we sent to the Raiders I mean there's been so many of them latest one Logan Mankins

sent him to Tampa Bay or whatever and I don't think that's working for us because you get a great veteran and then that dude leaves and then you have a hole in that position for like three years waiting for somebody to get up to speed and by the time

that guy figures out how to play the position somebody else gets let go and now we got a problem over there I mean I guess you're always going to have a fucking problem but I don't know I see a slowly starting to slide I mean the way we let

the Raiders hang around that long and they should have won the fucking game they didn't shoot the Raiders they didn't shoot themselves in the foot I just don't understand why the Raiders they just I don't know it's like they knew how to win games

and for the last 30 years they stopped all went out the fucking I don't know I think it's karma it's a karma thing it has to do with their fans and how they disgrace being a football fan by going there dressed up like Spongebob square pants but you have on brass

knuckles I just don't understand that I don't understand why you have to take your dignity and throw it out the fucking window I'm not talking about all Raider fans you know what fans I'm talking about alright so thank god it was a home game so they didn't have to keep talking about the black hole

you know you know those places the black hole the dog pound the entire Seattle Seahawks stadium actually watch it what a fucking game that was man Seattle Broncos game fucking awesome game but at one point

they cut to the crowd and some guy had this fucking lime green sign that just said loud like he went out and made that or something it's just the dumbest thing I have to commend them I mean I fast forward through a lot of it

because you know I was out living a life and I came back and I watched my tape of the game and they didn't bring it up that much which thank god they didn't enough already with the stupid 12th man and all of that shit anyways but the game

was fucking awesome and I thought Seattle I thought it was done and what was it 20 to 5 17 to 5 or something like that I think it was like 21 5 I don't even know fucking Broncos came back

you know Peyton throws the big pick comes back with it I don't know I don't get why on that final drive whenever it's every fucking drive is that the prevent defense they always go down the field and score or they always they always drive down at the very least they're going to get in the red

zone that whole bullshit of like you know we'll take away the sidelines and we'll give them the middle of the field and somehow there's just magically not supposed to be enough time left on the clock and they're fucking always is like 90% of the time but it actually seemed like

Seattle was playing defense is that you blowing your nose in there Nia she's got the allergies such a cute little nose she makes all that noise anyways it was a great fucking game and I was happy that

you know both teams played well and there wasn't any fucking incidents of screaming yelling or any of that type of shit that they started off bad with them talking about the the goddamn Paul Taggiel or fucking Pete Rosell whatever the fucking

new guy's name is I don't even know what his name is Doug Fairbanks we're going to go with that Gary Greenberg the fuck is his name that's how much I don't watch it I put it on and there's Tom Jackson and Keenan

and I'm like I like those guys those guys used to play they know the fucking game and then you know they got the big pasty doughy boy it looks like he's in one of those Bigfoot fucking sitcoms third rock from the sun

where they lived with Bigfoot and Alph made like a cameo whatever the hell one of those furry fucking shows right he looks like the dad on one of those shows doesn't he and that could be the chick he'd be like a milk maiden you know

but he'd only be like a six so anyways he goes up there and he's like you know I didn't get it right I could have got it right I didn't get it right next time we're going to do everything to make sure we get it right get it right

he's in there and sports speak and then they cut back to the players and then the players you know are now fucking wearing shirts and little suits and they're fucking then they start talking going like you know I heard an apology but

I didn't hear any didn't hear anything that was saying what are they going to do in the future oh my god is it wrong to say who gives a fuck at this point the guy's not going to quit his god damn job

you're not going to kick him out alright he gets it next time a player slugs his wife fiance or just some random woman walking down the street in the face they're going to show the whole video

the first day and they will suspend the person indefinitely okay you know what's great halfway through when I was listening to that sports talk radio show they had Al Michaels calling who does not speak and sports speak because

you know he's found his own voice he's a legend so he called up and he was just saying how the whole league got tarred and feathered because of a couple of guys and he actually claimed that the spousal abuse rate in the NFL

not only is less than general society but way less so what was all the screaming and yelling about I don't fucking get it all that fuck they have a real problem they're doing a little better doing better than the plumbers

contractors stand-up comedians and everybody else walking around outside that stadium the new drinking game listen to Mike and Mike in the morning and every time Mike Gollick goes ahhhhhh in between points

you got to take a shot I swear to god you're going to have your stomach pumped 45 minutes into it they came out in the first quarter and they were all over um okay is there anything else to talk about here

I talked about Roku I talked about the games that I watched oh double bass drumming by the way I'm trying to you know I made fun of I didn't make fun of it I just said you know it's just so fucking fast after a while that I

you know I don't hear a groove anymore and some double bass drummers called they fucking twittered me and they were like eh I kind of bummed me out you said you didn't like the blast beats and shit like that I don't mean I don't like them I just you know I don't know I just don't gravitate towards

I already had that level of rage in me I don't need a soundtrack to it I need to go the other way I need to listen to the sounds of waterfalls you know so anyways I want to do another one of those comedy jams and the song that I picked out

had a little bit of double bass in it so I've been trying to get you know I pulled out the double pedal from the fucking back of the closet and um I gotta tell you man it fucking it's hard as shit I've always respected that's why I bought it like I bought a double pedal like 12 years ago

when my obsession with John Bonham got to the point that all I was doing was listening to Led Zeppelin and I wasn't developing at all any creative ideas nothing playing drums so I was like why don't I get outside of this and get a double pedal and I fucked around with it on and off and I just never had the

discipline to stay with it so I've been trying to stay with it the last couple of weeks and um I'm fucking horrible I'm horrible I mean I'm talking like 85-90 beats per minute before it starts sounding like I'm galloping rather than a nice smooth sound so

I got I always had a ton of respect oh you know what's funny I actually opened for went down I did a guest spot in front of Dean Del Rey at the improv this week and he used to sing in a band so he knows all these musicians and one of the guys that came down out to the show

was the drummer from Slaya Dave Lombardo I got to talk to him for a couple seconds speaking of you know legendary drum double bass drumming was a great fucking guy and um

I don't know it's one of the great things about living out here in LA it's like you'll fucking move somewhere and that guy will be your next door neighbor because there's just people that are in show business out here it's fucking hilarious do you know I went to a Super Bowl party one time and I met somebody and they were just like yeah

they started talking to him and I found out his grandfather played the guy that was in the bed with the severed horse head in godfather one how fucking cool is that it's like your grandfather did that

yeah yeah you know he had no idea how big the movie was gonna be they put a fake head in there and he screamed and yelled what did your grandfather do he worked at avis um alright let's move on okay

let's get to the lettuce for this week the fucking lettuce uh bill stop saying sorry dear billy redface I have been listening to your podcast for about a year and you are hilarious

and I have noticed he's spelling with like letters not and he just the letter n and I have noticed you say something outrageous and funny then say sorry you're not responsible you can say whatever the fuck you want

two ends in one without apologizing keep those words spelled wrong keep that shit up you funny bastard thanks for the podcast and go fuck yourself um

no I'm gonna keep saying sorry if I fucking do a joke then I think it's a little corny or I went a little too long with it I apologize I'm trying to have respect for you but I appreciate the fact that you enjoy the podcast please keep listening alright American who grew up in Singapore oh I love it

last week did any of you guys have the nerve to do a canning video holy shit that's not something you don't look at it because you won't ever forget it um hey billy I have lived so this is an American who grew up in Singapore

I've lived in Singapore for 5 years or I lived in Singapore for 5 years in the late 80s through the early 90s I was a kid but I remember they had public commercials for caning some were like the semi funny DUI commercials we have in California and some were like short film versions

of hostels oh of hostel oh wasn't that a horror movie they even had billboards and bus signs that depicted offenses that would warrant caning complete with sore assed cartoon characters

caning was even a thing in their soap operas and tv shows the message was clear you fuck around and you're gonna get caned the Michael Fay thing happened when I was 11 this is fascinating but I remember feeling no sympathy for the guy I always thought

he gave the US a bad name for A being a dumb ass in a foreign country and B not owning up to his own bullshit I have no love for Singapore but I think their nation points out a sad fact the only way you can have a society

with less than one murder a year no drug offenders with a pristine subway and he writes in parenthesis you could literally eat ice cream off the floor is by hanging felons and beating the shit out of everyone else

love ya oh my god jesus christ is that true can you imagine if they had caning in this country how many of us would deserve a caning how fucking crash you can act and then before you get on your fucking

high horse anybody listen to this in Canada, England and Australia and all the other goddamn places you'd all take a couple of fucking you'd take a nice couple of fucking wax yourself you know I went to slap my leg and even then I pulled it

because I didn't want to fucking hurt myself yeah I guess so if you hang felons it really cuts out the whole recidivism no repeat offenders in Singapore and let me tell you something they beat the shit out of you this guy took like six of them

like sometimes I heard punishments of up to 12 and some people were saying like other parts of the world you get like 96 lashings I mean you just passed out I gotta tell you is inhumane as it is like let's just say I got

you know I don't want to put this fucking idea in anybody's head Jesus Christ that would be it I would I don't know what I would do you know what I would do I would work in the back of a cold stone

creamery if I ever took 96 lashings that would be it that would be the end of my dreams I would be a broken man like alright dude I get it you're running shit fuck this I'm going in the back here I'm gonna fucking stir up some ice cream I'll come out when I gotta sing the hi ho hi ho

we're making ice cream we go whatever fucking song I gotta sing I'm wearing the uniform you know everybody likes to think that there'd be that guy going you know after they giving you 96 lashes and you're sitting there you know when they come up to you and they say something

and you go fuck you and you spit in their face I think that just happens in the movies even if you're thinking fuck you you're not gonna say it again what is the point of taking more lashes you're just like alright I'm gonna get this motherfucker later absolutely sir you are the boss

I got my mind right I got my mind shaking the bush walking it off boss walking it off alright bad luck dear Mr. Burr what to do when everything goes south for an extended period of time

so I am a 32 year old with quite a good track record former semi pro hockey player three university degrees in rather good shape and overall not that ugly and he got a sense of humor you're crushing it

one sentence in I love this guy two sentences however I have had no luck with girls jobs health in the past 10 years I have had almost every disease known to man ok there is a little bit padding in that story

I have unbelievably bad luck with jobs always when I get my dream job something from outside comes and stops me getting there this has happened three times now and the last one was one of the classics the company went to a hiring freeze and let 25%

of the workforce go well I can get some but I just have no interactions with girls with personalities I would like they are out there but if I meet them it does not go anywhere I love sports and now I have been unable to train for a year and a half

due to a disease heart problems plus virus I am unable to do work so there is that even if I would like to get a job there is none available and I am a cunt working in the finance industry

I am sure I am not the only one to be in this situation so my question for you is how do you believe in your future if everything has been shit so far please go fornicate yourself your sincerely PS English is not my first language so please excuse me

well that was pretty impressive um alright so how do you continue um thinking positively um it is a choice you just have to decide to do it I mean what else are you going to do

are you going to let it win you can't let it win and everybody who has been successful always has you know they have all their stories when they sit around telling stories about you know after they have been successful

all they talk about is the shit that they went through which is most of panel late night talk show if a comic goes on he is not going to talk about the time he killed he is going to talk about the time he bombed the time he lost his agent the time his fucking TV show got cancelled all the pain of that and all that because

you know it is funny but the big thing is when you are sitting there watching it going this person went through all of this shit so I feel bad that you are going through all that especially the health part um I don't know what kind of virus you have

like if you told me I would fucking know anything I am a doctor obviously so um what I would do if I was you is I would focus on what you can control you can't work out but there is nothing stopping you from eating perfectly um

how about something low impact like yoga like I don't ever see where light stretching and eating as perfectly as you possibly can would ever be a detriment to your health so that would be a step in the positive direction

and um as far as your bad luck with women fuck that dude fuck that there is no such thing you just keep getting back what is the worst they are going to say no who gives a fuck

you are already laughing at yourself you just become undeniable you become unstoppable it is just not going to beat you who knows who knows how long you are going to be here who knows how long I am going to be here but like every year you fucking live in your life

day to day you can't let it beat you that is basically it you make that fucking choice now get out there in the second half crush some ass do some yoga and eat some god damn beats um

yeah that is what I would say I would just fucking refuse to let this thing just do that that fucking day to day thing you might win but not today alright I am tougher than you today go fuck yourself and I am enjoying this day there you go I would do that

and uh I don't know and if you are going to be around women don't have an angry energy like me that is like raid to women don't do that alright you attract psychos and uh it is just not a good situation

anyways alright 100 days without booze hey bill ball bill ball sagins parenthesis I don't know I tried alright quickly to the point I am doing 100 days clean I love it

inspired by your podcast a while back I like the whole deadline thing knowing there is only x more days to go when stuff makes it easier makes it easier to do it I feel better I am not pissed off as much I am getting a handle on my money this is all good things which is a lot easier

when you are not buying whiskey slash rounds in Brooklyn buzz and he further goes on to say so thanks for setting a good example on how to keep that shit in check only problem is it is kind of messing up my game or what I thought was my game

which might have just been getting drunk enough to think a 6 was a 9 for the night instead of practicing some patience and self control did you do the 100 days when you were with Nia or did you ever do sober stints single

I am a single dude in my 30s and I am a writer so I don't have an automatic social life unless I go out at night basically that means up till now I have met all my previous girlfriends at bars or at shows but now I feel like if I am sober and they are not then isn't that kind of like taking advantage

I know exactly what you are saying yeah I got 2 plus drinks in her and I am not in the same rocking boat I am just standing on the deck watching everyone else swaying back and forth it almost seems shady to be picking up gals in other words

how the hell do you meet cool chicks if you are taking a gentleman interlude from the booze I know in the past you have recommended like mixed gendered sports and stuff just wondering if you got any other insights thanks and go not even going to say it

alright so judging by that you are not athletic because you already know what I suggested so I would get involved in something else get involved in something dude if you could somehow cut out booze and bars out of your fucking life

it is a great thing get 8 hours sleep you get more shit done and then you start doing something else I don't know what join a fucking gym it is way more social because it is like a specific thing

that everybody is into if you just go to the treadmill then everybody has got their fucking headphones on and shit but if it is something more like that rock climbing stuff or I don't know riding a bike

my shit is always physically active I don't know what else to do I don't know what other types of interaction things you know what the fuck you are supposed to do on a woman when she is drunk yeah I don't like that either that feels like some form of sexual assault if you end up hooking up with them

if they are all over you I still was always like alright let me know what you think tomorrow after the fucking hangover there right there booze I should fucking take a day off man I fucking drank it up yesterday

I ended up eating off a food truck got a super fucking deluxe burrito whatever the hell you call it horrific and I am paying for it today oh god damn day no energy stupid fucking stupid

why can't I stop maybe I should join that rock climbing gym alright stamps.com everybody you know that feeling you get when you get things done with just the click of your mouse it can't get more convenient than that you know what I have a mouse in my house it ate my bananas the other day

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here we go here's another guy laying off the booze another guy laying off the booze Billy Buster of balls I'm a big fan and an even bigger boozehound I'm a 47 year old boozer with a good job

successfully raising my two young daughters myself you recently went on a run of sobriety that I admire can you talk more on your fucking epic podcast thank you about how you did it and what types of foods you ate to help you replace the sugar that your body missed

without the sweet mother's milk of vodka thanks and go fuck yourself yeah dude you're addicted you're addicted to sugar like most people like myself or whatever so what I found with food is

it's really all about that first night you know if you can eat well all day on the first day of your diet and right around four o'clock five o'clock in the afternoon your body starts craving the shit food that you've been eating either something salty or sugar or if you can just fucking push through that

you know drink plenty of water not a dangerous level of water don't fucking make the walls of your cells fucking not even exist anymore is that what happens you can literally die from drinking too much water just drink water big salad with the protein and then

just make yourself go to bed that white chocolate the first night and then your body starts to get used to that and after doing that for three days you're on a nice track and to help you along if you get that

hey Nia what is it dark chocolate yeah if you get that dark chocolate it's weird like you just eat like a little corner of it it feels way more dense than like milk chocolate but it's not nearly as sugary I don't even know if there's any sugar in it but it kind of

keeps that sugar thing at bay and that's kind of a way you can kind of cheat your way through it but what's cool about your body is if you actually feed it healthy food it craves healthy food like you'll actually get psyched for a salad with some chicken on it or some shit

believe it or not I never thought it was going to be possible but I would say you gotta be careful with the salad dressings you know and people always when they talk about calories and shit they'll always say like you might as well have had a Big Mac I 100% disagree with that

it might even if the caloric intake is equal there's nothing worse than a fucking Big Mac because at the end of the day if you had a giant fucking salad with a ton of calories dressing on top of it you still ate a fucking salad where of a Big Mac you just ate a Big Mac

alright and fuck all you no-necked cunts personal trainers who are now going to question that that makes sense to me and I don't give a shit about your degree in fucking salad dressing yeah so just white knuckle it for the first three I need to do that

like I'm trying to get back into working out I've been so fucking busy and I'm forcing myself to go downstairs because my body's saying I don't want to do it I don't want to do it you drank last night you ate that shit food let's fucking relax and eat more shit food and I'm just going to force myself to go down there and all I got to do

is that first set of push ups the blood gets going and then the body's like yeah yeah I want to do this I want to do this and then you know half hour later you're like thank god I did this and it's fucking over so another great thing especially a guy your age you're almost a little a year older than me take a fucking

walk at night hey take a fucking walk I'm telling you just walk around the block at a nice leisurely pace you know put on your Walkman or whatever the fuck you listen to now whatever the hell you call it your phone your transistor radio listen to some music

walk around the block it's great you burn calories you're not beating on your joints you know you burn like 100-200 calories just walking around the block right before you go to bed nice big glass of fucking water go to bed and then start your day I like fucking oatmeal

with bananas and raisin in it no milk no brown sugar none of that shit that's going to send your body back get you back on the smack fuck that it's a big lump of shit that's good for you sits right in your belly it fills you up have a fucking apple for a snack and then I don't know peanut butter and jelly

sandwich or a turkey sandwich lean turkey sandwich and you're on your way and then you're all the way to four o'clock then they got to do is the salad and the protein and just shove that shit sometimes I'll do the salad at lunch just to get it out of the fucking way just fucking do that

and it's the end of the night again drink your giant thing take another fucking walk and then your body's just into that and then you'll drop weight and then the hardest fucking thing is once your body gets used to that and you get bored of that shit or you start lying to yourself like

I could have a big mac I've been doing you know I'm going to treat myself I've been doing well if you're basically I've treated you're treating yourself to the heroin again and it's going to be in you for three days and you got to be really careful after you eat like shit for the next three days because there's that demon is back

in you go and get a pizza get some ice cream blah blah blah blah I'm telling you at least that's how my body works anyway so good luck man you're making some smart choices there all right three some problems oh god I want this guys life is fucking

great three some hey Nia you want to come in for this one Nido well you're all stuffy come on that'll be funny next week okay all right three some problems greetings Billy boy

long time listener first time caller question mark as they used to say I realize many if not most guys would love to have my problems but nonetheless it's caused me some headache so I thought I'd ask an asshole like you for his two cents well you've come to the right place

if you're looking for an a-hole my wife of years very much bisexual and we have brought other women into our relationship since we started dating all right so okay is that still technically a marriage

I'm not trying to be a prude here but like um all right so you guys are like friends it's fucking great this is great this fucking guy how the fuck

did you pull this off now not like we I guess because his wife's bisexual anyways not like we do this every Friday night but since we are both very sexual people and the fact that she has no interest in screwing another dude it's just a win-win yeah you motherfucker what what what is your

problem you're taking up valuable time on this podcast for other people who actually have problems he goes here is the rub so to speak most of the girls have been hookups more or less and that neither of us

had any real emotional attachment to them yeah you got it I would think you'd have to do it that way what are you gonna bang your neighbor and then have to see her for the rest of the time hey how are you remember that time I diddle you and then my wife was doing that other thing to you

now we don't want to do it again we just wanted to do it to you once have a nice day Apple while that sounds crass all three sometimes even four once five five at once all of us were consulting

adults etc etc how did you have a two on five did you go you must you guys must be swingers where did you go down to the Y we got we got next we got next standing outside orgy

anyways he said but there is one good friend of my wife that has found her way into our bed off and on for a few years now usually after all of us have had one too many cocktails yeah dude alright yeah you dance with the devil here again so

far so good except that this lady let's call her Jenny Jenny I got your number you wanna bang my wife um so far so good is just okay we'll call her Jenny is just

as into each of us personally as she is into us as a couple that is she is down to screw each one of us individually now this person right here is the real winner in all of this because you know she's not in a relationship

this person she's the one getting her cake and eating it she has nothing to fucking lose anyways she says well my wife was away on business I gave in and did the deed Jenny insist that

A my wife would not consider this cheating and B even if she did she that is Jenny would never tell her part of the problem is that like I mentioned my wife has zero interest in other dudes and being the ex frat guy that I am

I really would not be jealous if she informed me that she slept with a girl while on a business trip but at the same time my gut is telling me she'd be very angry and very hurt if she learned that I slept with Jenny one

one-on-one in her absence Jenny I have had sex three times in my wife's absence yeah dude you kind of have an affair right now I feel like I am about the absolute limit at which I can admit all to my wife that is after four five six eight

twelve whatever times it is no longer a new problem and is simply an affair should I just come clean now considering that this is not exactly your run of the mill affair thanks my man um I don't know dude I would

I would immediately stop banging Jenny on the side um you know what dude your relationship is uh complex to say the least and uh there's going to be some security issues there's going to be some

breaches in security so you had a breach in security she's not going to say anything you don't say anything you know you basically fuck this woman that your wife is fucked she just wasn't there so I don't know what that is uh that sounds like a uh that sounds like offsetting

penalties no not really because your wife is the other team um I don't know I would I would stop banging her and you did it three fucking times I don't know if you want to say that that's your call if you want to say something say something

you know that's going to be a shit storm and your wife is probably going to think you know they're vengeful uh sex so do the math on that one if she's going to get you back I don't think she's getting with Jenny she's getting with Lenny

oh sorry apologize apologize for the pun um is that a pun I don't know what it is um so there you go that is the uh that's the podcast for this week everybody uh J E T S J S J S J S

tonight playing I don't know who I don't know who I don't know what I haven't watched him yet this year but I am predicting the New England Patriots are going to go 500 against the jets 500 against the bills 500 against the dolphins maybe we'll beat one of them twice um I think all three of them might have got a little better

and I just think that we get a little worse I don't know I just uh there's just something about I don't know letting the Raiders hang around that long the Raiders no disrespect to the greatest fucking emblem in all of sports

but they are what they are and have been what they've been for this fucking long so I don't know what to tell you um anyways other than I'm looking forward to it I'm trying not to be a cunt this year and uh rooting against teams and all that shit it really kills a lot of my enjoyment of it

I know it's funny for you guys and that type of shit but I'm just really busy I don't I don't have time to fucking hate this year uh that's it I'm just hoping it's going to be a good game how do you like that that was even handed all right go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week Ikea family