Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-23-13

Episode Date: September 24, 2013

Bill rambles about Toronto, concussions and being a real cunt.

In the mountains, in the kitchen, even in the living, they are really everywhere to ride the empty baths. But now we go to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. September 23rd, 2013, what's going on? What's going on dude?

What's up? See the fucking pats? You know, you didn't think they were that good? You're fucking 3-0 now. Now what? They didn't think so. They didn't think so. More on that later.

I am back in the continental United States. I just did two wonderful shows up in Toronto, Ontario. The first time I've been up to Canada in a while, had a great time. And right before that, I was in Pittsburgh, had a lovely time there. Thanks to all the guys at DVE, Randy Bauman, Bill Crawford opening it up, killing, killing, killing at the Heinz Hall. And then before that, I was down there in West Virginia, another beautiful state that everybody shits all over. I'm telling you, I'm going to retire in one of those fucking states. That is my game plan.

The game plan is I'm going to somehow get these fucking banker cunts off of me. I'm going to pay off this goddamn house. And then, you know, when I'm too fucking old, you know, my hair's all white or yellow, whatever happens to fucking red hair. And on top, I got those freckled old age spots on my bald head. I'm just going to be, ah, fuck all of you. And I'm going to sell this place and I will move to like, I don't know, West Virginia. I moved to Iowa, but like, what the fuck, you know, that was good, Bill. That was great.

I really understand the topography now of Iowa with that vivid description. Thank you. I'm over here in Wales, England. Now I understand exactly what Iowa looks like. I'm sorry. Maybe one of the decoders, something along those lines. I'm just going to move to the middle of fucking nowhere. And by then, maybe I'll have a pilot's license and I can go out like John Denver.

And I just think that that would be a lovely life. It would be a lovely life. No, I've actually, you know, just been driving around, seeing all the different parts of the country here, man. I'm getting back into driving to stuff. In fact, by the way, last week, I got a brutal email from somebody telling me what a piece of shit I am and all this type of stuff, because I had to cancel my gig in El Paso. And it's like, I didn't cancel the fucking thing. It rained.

And that's not my fault that you guys don't have a sewer system or whatever the fucking is out there in El Paso. And I told you that I would reschedule. I fucking flew out there. I was sitting there. I had my show shirt all ironed. I was ready to go. But as promised, I said we will reschedule the El Paso date as soon as possible. And I am a man of my fucking word.

The El Paso date, the new date is October 2nd. All right. And instead of dude, I call it Verzi. I'm actually bringing Rose Bowl legend, tailgate legend. Mr. Joe Bartnick, everybody. Okay. A man who honed his skills in the San Francisco, San Francisco scene, man. And that's, that's a Wednesday.

That's a great run Wednesday is, is El Paso Thursday. The third is San Jose Friday. The fourth is Seattle and then the fifth of October is back down in Phoenix. And so anyways, so if you, if you bought tickets already for El Paso, those things are totally honored. If you can't make October 2nd, your, your money will be refunded any more than that. There's nothing else I can, I can't control the fucking weather. So anyways, I've been getting slammed lately. There was some people in Seattle did not take kindly to my fucking, my song that I sang.

I got called like a faggot like 58 times on Twitter this week. Um, yeah, people did not appreciate that song, although they did not refute it. No one ever said they didn't go out of their way to architecturally in a way, architecturally design. How else would you do it, Bill? How else would you do it? I'm trying to think of another big word, but I don't have one. I don't, I was gonna say geometrically, but you probably need geometry. You need geometry for that shit.

That's not a good one. Peanut butter and jelly actor at you way. I don't fucking know. Anyways, you know what I love about in a couple, I guess a couple of people just wrote some of the blurb that I wrote to piss off all these Seahawk fans. Um, and, uh, they left out the whole part where I said all the complimentary stuff and how they got a great team and how when I watched the Patriots play and then I see, you know, Seattle or Frisco or the Colts or whatever, watch those games, how it just looks like football on a whole other level. And how Seattle has a great chance at winning the Super Bowl and how I don't blame fucking Pete Carroll for what the fuck he did at USC because everybody does it yet. All of that shit gets left out. Only thing that they had in there was we was me going, we are the loudest, my friends.

Someday, people of Seattle, fans of the Seattle Seahawks, as mad as you are that you have to use those homophobic slurs in your advanced city, man. Um, you'll, you'll, you'll understand it one of these days. One of these days when you actually have something shiny in your cupboard until now, you're just screaming. That's all you're doing. And, you know, that's another reason why you guys are so loud because of how empty your trophy case is. It causes an echo. You guys came into league in 1977 along with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and even those sad cunts figured out a fucking way to win one by now. All right.

So even if you finally win one this year, I got two words for you. It's about fucking time. All right. And if you can't do the math on that, I can't help you. I'm just fucking around. All right. Your shitbirds. Relax.

I'll be up there on the fourth. Do whatever the fuck you want. Boomie. I don't give a shit. They give me the check already. All right. It's actually not true, but I'm going to act like it is. So anyways, plowing ahead here.

Um, yes, I was up in Toronto. One of the great things about going up to, uh, to Canada, aside from the fact that hockey is the first story, you know, when it comes to sports, that's the big thing that's going on. I watched like hockey night in Canada. I came home and I watched the replay. They're showing preseason hockey up there like it's fucking March. Okay. And they're trying to figure out who's going to make the playoffs playoffs. And some of you actually, uh, I watched a little bit of the Toronto Buffalo game, some of the, uh, replay.

No, no, I watched Edmonton, Vancouver. That's what I was watching. Somebody just sent me a link to this great brawl. Um, I'll give you guys the video of it and, and all you guys who don't like hockey, just spare me. You're stupid. Great sport. Why do they let them fight? This is a sport.

Just, I got to be honest with you guys, that's music to my ears. I like that people don't understand hockey that you can't see the puck for whatever fucking reason. I love it. I love it. Keep, keep piling on and watching football and go down to your sports bar with your mantits and your fucking football jersey. I'm all about it by all means. I'll sit over in the quiet part of the bar watching a hockey game without you and your fucking Cheetos breath. Invade my shoulder area near my nose.

You know, your shoulders need your nose, right? I was thinking of looking over my shoulder out with it. I don't need to explain my body parts to you people. All right. So anyways, whatever, two guys on the one guy on Toronto, one guy on Buffalo, they get into a fight and the guy in Buffalo, his helmet comes off. And he fucking ended up whacking his head on the ice. And I guess Buffalo took an exception to that. So this fucking big goof.

Scott is big goof that could beat the living shit out of me, but I'm safe here in the podcast. So I'll call him a goof, knowing nothing about him. I'm sure he's a wonderful, well-spoken human being. But he looked like a big goof because he's standing next to Phil Kessel. Phil Kessel comes up to like, I don't know, maybe his hockey pants, his little short shorts, his little satin booty shorts that he's wearing. And he decides to take it out on him. He takes a swing at little Phil Kessel. Little Phil, never hurt anybody.

Just trying to score a goal and some assists. Doesn't even go in the corners. He's not hurting anybody. And I don't know, Phil Kessel lost his fucking shit. I have a whole newfound respect for that guy. This big dude punched him. So one of the other fucking Maple Leaf guys immediately grabs Scott. If Phil Kessel takes a two-hander, not once, but twice, to the back of Scott's leg.

Now I know a lot of you guys go, well, what the fuck? He's tied up with somebody else. That's a cheap shot. Fuck you. All right. When you're two feet taller than a guy, when you have to punch down at the top of somebody's head at that point, you might want to pick a different dance partner, right?

But he didn't. So he fucking whacks him twice and then squares off with another guy in the Sabres and actually wins the fight, bloodies the guy up, they stop, and then Kessel as he's going to skate off the ice, that big dude Scott is still tied up with somebody and went over and he fucking speared him. Trying to take out the guy's spleen. I was like, good for him. There you go.

That's good, Phil. You don't take no shit off nobody. He went all spider on him. Why don't you go fuck yourself, Tommy? It was great. It was great to see. And I think the Leafs, hopefully, I think they're going to be good this year. I like the Leafs.

I've always liked them. And speaking of that, oh yeah, we're going to talk hockey here in September. Somebody sent me an article that said, you know, you always got to have some sort of controversial title just to get people to read it. It says Montreal Canadiens, the most overrated franchise in NHL history. And they basically touched on some shit that I had brought up, brought in, that I had brought up, you know, through of course not reading, just over hearing shit, that saying that, you know, the Canadians dominated a six team league

and that they had first pick at all French born Canadian players, yada, yada, yada, all of that. This is a really cool article because it actually explains that more. And it makes me understand, but makes me understand Montreal and Toronto better. So this is the points the guy's making. I don't agree with all of this stuff, but it says the original six teams carries an aura with them. The Montreal Canadiens, you know, the six teams all did battle each other. So basically you had a 16.67% chance of winning. So of course everybody's going to argue, well, so did the Bruins, so did the Blackhawks,

so did the Red Wings, so did everybody else. But here, here's the thing that's really interesting about this, unless you're not into hockey, then I don't know what to tell you. Christ, I don't even have it here. Where the fuck is it? Basically, this is how it worked. You couldn't sign anybody back in the day. So the Canadians did not have first chance at all French born Canadian players. What they had back there was something I guess called a C form, which if you went out and you scouted people,

if they signed it, that was an IOU that they were going to go and play for you. So Montreal was smart enough to go all over Canada and try and sign these people, like right before they turned 18 or right as they turned 18. But the big thing was you had first chance at all players within basically a 50 mile radius of your city. This is really interesting. I never knew this. You had first chance at that. So basically why that kind of tipped the scales was Montreal and Toronto had first chance at everybody and basically, you know, Quebec and Ontario, where everybody's hockey crazy and comes out of the womb skating

and then you look at like the Bruins and we had first chance at trying to find a Rocket Richard in like New Hampshire. Or as they say here, the Rangers trying to find the next best goalie in Newark or Hoboken, New Jersey. And it's really interesting because what he fails to bring up in this article was that Montreal didn't dominate a 16 league. Both Montreal and Toronto up until 1967, the year of expansion. At that point, Montreal had 14 cups and the Maple Leafs had 13. So the two of them, just by being up in Canada and being around all of that talent and the fact that you only got a 16 fucking league, they were able to go on a run. But, you know, and I wonder if that helped Detroit too because Detroit, their 50 mile radius would actually get them into Ontario

a little bit where people gave a shit and loved hockey. But it was a really interesting article and I'm not here to shit on the Canadians. God knows I do that enough. But that very clarified misinformation that I was putting out there that, I mean, I was looking at like everything east of Montreal, you had to go play for the Canadians and I was like, what the fuck that'd be like if you had a whole, all of New England, or whatever, to draft for a particular sport or something like that. So my apologies, you won't hear this often to the Montreal Canadians franchise. I was wrong about that. And now I now understand why Montreal and Toronto were kind of going tit for tat with that 50 mile radius thing was really interesting.

But at the end of the day, though, that thing that Montreal was going around trying to find all of this talent, they did do the work. So you kind of got to give it up from on on that level. So there you go. Look at that apologizing to the Canadians. But I'll have a link to that if you want to read it. If you're a sports nerd like me, it's a great article all the way through. I wouldn't say that Montreal is overrated, but I was disappointed that the writer of the article did not bring up the Toronto Maple Leafs

and why they were able to kind of go, you know, stride for stride there with the Canadians up till 67. It was basically in the 70s, I think, right? That's when the Canadians, they won six. They also want, they won in 68 and 69. I can't remember now. Yeah, I think they won 68, 69, then Bruins, 170, then Montreal, 71, Bruins, 72. Then Montreal, Flyers, Flyers, and then Montreal for the rest of the decade. That's how it went.

All right. Jesus Christ. Is there one woman left listening to this podcast? And with that, let's do some advertising. Great timing, Bill. Great timing. I get the fucking calendar out of the way here. Either way, hockey's coming back.

I'm really excited about it. Oh, you know, when I was in Pittsburgh, what the fuck was I just going to tell you? I was hanging out with Randy from DVE and Bill Crawford. And, you know, they know Paul Stigerwald. I hope I'm saying his name, right? Stigerwald, I always fuck up the pronunciations of anybody's last name if it has more than two syllables. But it was just so insane. They brought him along and we kind of, you know, talked right after the show.

And I've watched so much Senna Rice. Just to hear his voice was insane. I just kept saying that to him going like, dude, like this, it was being hilarious. He would start talking to me, just talking about regular stuff. Paul Wood. And I had everything I could do to not start looking around for the hockey game on TV because I felt like I was listening to like, oh, shit, there's a hockey game on. I've just, I basically, I've watched a ton of penguins games is what I'm trying to say. So that was a big thrill getting to hang out with him.

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So this past week, everybody, I actually rented a motorcycle and lived to tell about it. I rented during a weekday, right? And I just went to a part of it where I knew there was going to be no cars or anything like that. And it was all these twists and turns and that type of thing. And it was, you know, it's just like, it was fun, man. It was a lot of fun. I scraped the pegs a couple of times, scared the shit out of me. I didn't realize that they give, you know, so you won't fall down.

That was definitely sent to jolt through my head. But it was awesome, man. I gotta tell you, I really, I really enjoyed it. I don't know. It's like I said, I still don't think I'm going to buy a motorcycle or anything like that. I just wanted to remember what I learned in the class. So I ride with the buddy of mine who's been riding forever and everything went great the entire fucking time. I said, I did a great job for the amount of time that I've been riding.

You know, I drove stick shifts my whole life. So it's the same concept. The hardest thing is you have to switch it, you know, with rather than shifting with your hand, you know, you're doing it with your foot and rather moving the clutch with your foot, you do it with your hand. It's all that type of shit. But that motorcycle safety class that I took, I highly, highly, highly recommend taking one of those because they really, they help you with turns. And I mean, like, like the shit you have to do on a motorcycle when you go into a turn, it's not like a car, you know, you don't have to worry about a car tipping over and you being launched out of it. Like what you have to do in a car, you'd have to be basically going, I would think over 35 miles an hour, 40 miles an hour. And then just cut the wheel as hard as you could to the point you were getting sideways, even just to go it on its side.

But even then you strapped in, you got metal all around you and airbags. So anyways, we rode. I made him go down and pick up the bike. I did it as safely as I could possibly do it. And I had the time of my fucking life. So, and I got the confidence that I actually rode the bike back to my house before I went to bring it back and I live, I live on a, I live on a hill that's on a turn. So I came down and I was just like, Oh, wait, well, how the fuck do I do this? And I went down and I brought it up and I'm thinking like, what do I do with the kickstand?

And then I kind of had it at the wrong angle and I swear to God, I tipped the bike over at zero miles an hour. Fucking asshole. Dude, I was riding for three hours around turns, a whole fucking thing all the way up to fourth gear down shift and looking through the turns, the whole fucking thing did everything right and then it's zero miles an hour. I just was at the wrong angle where if I put the kickstand down, it was still going to tip over and then I tried to overcompensate and the thing just tipped to the point of no return. And you don't really feel the weight of the bike until it gets to that tipping point. I mean, I didn't slam it down. I just basically dropped it down. It was so fucking embarrassing. And I bent the, I bent the front brake and I put some scratches on the fucking thing. So it ended up being an expensive day.

Fucking asshole. I was so embarrassed. It was a Harley too. So I brought it back down to the place and they're all, you know, they were like, nah, nah, nah, nah, it happens and it happens or whatever. But I just, you know, I could not, I should have just gone down there a little skirt with what's left of my hair and pigtails and be like, oh my God, all I tried to do is put the kickstand down. I was really, it's been a while since I've been that fucking embarrassed. Like I was, I felt shame. But other than that, it was a great time. I was Billy badass for about a, I don't know, for a couple hours and then I don't know, whatever the biggest pussy word you can come up with that begins with B. Billy blueberries. I don't fucking know. Anyways, white blueberries are bad. Not if you stick them in a pie. I had the urge to make a pumpkin pie this week. I want to practice before the holidays.

And I want to smoke a fucking turkey this year. I'm throwing fucking down. You know, that's one of the things when the holidays come around, you got to have something that you make. You know, you got to have your staple. And if you don't, you got to have some sort of hooch that you get from somewhere in the middle of fucking nowhere that you got to have something special. You just can't be another cunt that puts on some ugly sweater and just shows up and stands there eating everybody else's shit, drinking all their fucking booze. You know, you got to bring something to, I think, you know what you should, you should do, you should have like basically, you should have a pre Thanksgiving party in the beginning of October, like a preseason game. And then you invite like 30 people over knowing only 22 are going to make the fucking roster on Thanksgiving. But don't tell anybody. No, that's not fair. People try out for a team. They know they're trying out for a team. Do that. There you go. Then you fucking wear one of those Bill Belichick cut off hoodies and you see what people show up with. Just a suggestion. No big deal.

All right, let's continue with the sports. People have been firing off letters to me lately. And I never send letters to people. I never do. I never like I'll read something and somebody annoys me. And I guess the reason why I don't do it is because I have the outlet of the podcast or doing stand up. So I never really feel the need like, you know, I got to, I don't know, send this person like a fucking letter or something, but I actually sent a letter and email. And I'm not going to name the name because I don't want you guys to like, I know most of you won't, but some of you will find out who it is and then go, you stupid cunt aids. And you know, the stupid, you know, write something racist that I whatever, I just don't want to be a part of that. But basically this person was writing an article about this female goaltender Brianna Scurry. I hope I said her last name right. And, you know, it's really just awful story, you know, like she was top of her game playing for the US ladies soccer team in the late 90s. And she went down to get to stop a routine, you know, routine save one of those ones I think it's from the way it was described was like kind of rolling fast along the ground and she dove down to get it scooped it up and had it. And someone on the other team went to basically try to kick it out of her hand real quick and then try to put it in the goal. But as they were running over to do that, the other players knee struck this woman Brianna right on the side of her head.

And, you know, so she kind of gave herself a stand and eight count basically and stood up and continued on like all athletes do. She pushed through the pain. So unfortunately, after a few minutes, the back of her own players jerseys when she was looking at the numbers and the names started getting blurry started getting fuzzy. Then she started seeing more than one soccer ball out there and the team could tell that she was struggling in it. And at the half they took her out of the game. Sounded like a familiar story. She had a brutal concussion and ended her career. And now, you know, she has to stay in like, you know, a dark apartment. And I don't know if she gets the bedspins or getting nauseous, but the usual type of stuff. So I'm reading this thing and I was like, God, God, another concussion story. I didn't, you know, I haven't heard a lot of soccer players having this happen to you know, male or female. So it was really an interesting article. And then all of a sudden I don't know where this person writes, you know, it's one of the myths of the mainstream sports media that concussions belong only to men. Most of them football players like I don't even, I can't even wrap my head around that statement.

It's like, let me just, let me just continue reading this. In fact, studies show that women and girls are more likely than men and boys to suffer concussions in sports. They both play such as soccer, basketball and baseball slash softball. And in those cases, they are also more likely to suffer in private. A far cry from the attention NFL players command. Can you fucking believe that? That was one of the most uninformed paragraphs. I think I've ever read on. Like after I read that, I was like, I don't think this paper USA today. I don't think that they have a sports editor. I don't even know where to begin with that. First of all, to make concussions like a gender issue. Like I'm not the smartest guy, but don't we both just have brains that sit in fluid in your head. A blow to the head is a blow to the head. So I don't know what she's trying to claim.

And I'm one of my favorite statements of all time. Studies show. No footnote to the study study show. Researchers have said. Oh my God. So I actually, I, I'm not going to bore you. I maybe I will you want me to read the letter that I sent her. I wrote no disrespect because I wanted her to read, you know, get something to call her attention. I basically said to suggest that female athletes are more likely to suffer in private. A far cry from the attention NFL players command when it comes to suffering concussions is astoundingly uninformed. The attention that NFL players command. I kept putting that in quotes. She made them sound like they were divas. The attention NFL players command has everything to do with generations of former NFL players suffering in private after their careers were over.

And the last five years alone, three NFL players have committed suicide by single gunshot to the chest in order to preserve their brains. So scientists can figure out more about the aftermath of playing professional football. The attention players command today was a result of over two decades of fighting tooth and nail with NFL owners. In the end, the only reason the owners gave in was the irrefutable evidence gained through examination of brains donated by dead NFL players that suffered in private. Then I brought up the class action suit, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Brian Scurry was taken out of that, Brian, Brian Scurry, sorry, was taken out of the second half of that soccer game because of all the suffering in private that NFL players have endured. Because of the knowledge gained by all of those concussed football players that were told to shake it off and get back in the game. This is a major issue in sport. To see it glossed over and actually turned into some gender issue was incredibly irresponsible.

I'm not saying you're a bad person, but to take such a serious subject and not make it inclusive of all human beings and then suggest that one side has it worse than the other, sided more like fodder for the newlywed game rather than a serious medical discussion. See that? I can be eloquent. I don't have to trash people. Well, I can trash them, but I don't have to write all the curse words. You see that? I had a very tuxedo kind of vibe there, didn't I? Unlike this person who wrote to me. Oh, what a segue. Ginger scumbag. Bill, I've been a fan of yours for 15 years.

Okay. So you guys got that? This guy has been a fan of mine for 15 years. So for 15 years, this guy has been following me enjoying things that I'm doing. All right. This guy's locked in for 15 years. The people that work hard every day and spend their hard-earned cash. That's kind of redundant, sir. If you work hard, then you have hard-earned cash. All right? You got an easy job. You know, then you'd be spending your fucking titty money, right? Bill, just read the fucking email. All right. He's having fun. Bill, I've been a fan of yours for 15 years. The people that work hard every day and spend their hard-earned cash to see you have been really disappointed.

This is one of the classic things when people complain rather than just complaining for themselves. They act like they're standing in front of like a zillion people and they go, relax. Attention, everyone. I will send the email and will convey all of your feelings. Get on with your day. Relax. I will handle it. So evidently he has like, you know, all of these people are disappointed in me. He said, the people that follow you and made you who you are, they made me people. I didn't work hard on stand-up. I was just standing there and they all said, hey you, we have decided to make you and who you are. So set it be said. So set it be done.

He said, you have made dates all around the country and then canceled them when Hollywood calls you to do a part. That's exactly what happened. I picked up the phone. I said, hello. They said, this is Hollywood here. We're calling you to do a part. See the people that go to your shows and made you that made you aren't making a tenth of the money that you make, but they pay to see you. Hey, ginger boy. Without these fans, you're a literate ass would be working at McDonald's at best. Now I take offense to that, sir. Okay. Without my fan base, I would not be working at McDonald's, you son of a bitch. I would be unloading trucks in a warehouse. Get it straight.

He goes, you're a scumbag, B-A-G-E. You're a scumbage. And I hope every fan realizes what you are and stops going to your shows. I will never listen to your shows or podcasts again and will tell everyone to do the same. This is a typical sell out to Hollywood. Fucking disappointment. I know you won't have the balls to read this on your podcast. Instead, you will read a letter from a 20 year old guy confused about his girlfriend's sexuality. This is the best part here. You're a real cunt. Fuck you and everything you do. That's one of the greatest endings to any email I ever got. You're a real cunt. You're the real deal. If you tip over your cunt, you see the stamp of approval from the cunt factory.

And then it's just not fuck you. It's fuck you with everything you do. Even when I go to the grocery store, yeah, that too. Fuck you when you're picking out apples. Jesus Christ, sir. You made me. Did I have anything to do? Did I do anything? Did I work? Did I not fucking go on stage and eat my balls learning how to do this? I guess you did. Listen, I just want to thank you for making me. Without your hard work of going through, I mean, I can't imagine how many people live in this country. I just can't imagine when you're just going through the mug book trying to figure out who you've decided will become a professional comedian. And the fact that you also have a day job during the time where I guess you're grossly underpaid.

I mean, that's just incredible to me. Sir, what the fuck do you want from me? Let me ask you this. Okay, if Hollywood called you and asked you to be in a movie, you're going to say no. You're going to say no. All right. And like you told your mom, hey, listen, mom, don't worry, I'll come over and I'll clean up your yard this Saturday. All right. And then all of a sudden, Hollywood comes to call and says, hey, do you want to pretend you're a lot tougher than you are and get into a gunfight and get shot by, I don't know, whoever your favorite actor is? You're going to say, no, I have to go. I got to stick with you've never broken a fucking thing. You know what? Fuck that. Even like a playoff game comes along, you've never fucking had to change a schedule. Sir, I had to cancel some dates. I didn't cancel them. I rescheduled them. The fuck do you want from me? You want me to stay in the strip malls for my entire career telling jokes? I did that. I'm trying to fucking, you know, and all these movies to do is make more people know who I am so more people come out to my shows so I can keep writing more hours and having a good time.

All right. I don't even know why I'm talking to you. You said you're never going to listen to my shit again. Right. Are you a man of your word? After you're saying I'm not a man of my word. If you're actually listening to this, then you're a fucking hypocrite. All right. What's the matter? Jesus Christ. You fucking pissed on your sweatpants this week. I don't know what the fuck that was all about. You didn't even say what it was. You made dates all around the country and then canceled them. The fuck are you talking about? I had one tour I had to move around and I fucking did the first two dates. Then I've made up one, two, three cents then and added another one that wasn't even on that original tour. So go fuck yourself. All right. All the tickets are honored. And if you can't make that date, you get it refunded. Jesus Christ. You know that tour that I was going to do, I was just going to land in Boise. You know, jump on a bus and knock them all out in 10 days. Now, because that whole thing blew up, now I got to get on it. You know, it's like an extra 10 airplane ride. You don't hear me bitching? Do you? You fucking cunt. You're a real cunt. Fuck you and everything you do. That was worth it. That was worth them getting mad. That's fucking tremendous.

You know what? As much as you disappointed me, you're a real disappointment. You fucking jerk off. You've liked me for 15 years. One canceled fucking gig and now you're saying fuck me and everything I do. I make that pumpkin pie this week. You're saying fuck the pie too. That's a part of it. You're saying fuck America. If you're saying fuck pumpkin pie. But I gotta, I am a real cunt. You know, I can't argue that. You know something? Can somebody please put that on a t-shirt? You're a real cunt. Fuck you and everything you do. Just to have that just out there. Just written. That's really tremendous. Oh, by the way, if you guys want to read an unbelievable book, I told you I was reading that book that Al Jorgensen from Ministry wrote. I just finished it, man. I'm telling you some of the most insane fucking stories you're ever going to read. I'll give you one line. One descriptive line from one of the stories was basically, he was talking about like, he was basically talking about three of the craziest people he's ever met. And he was talking about this one lunatic guy who met this lunatic chick, chick, groupie. And the line was, he brought her into the bathroom, but fucked her and then flushed her clothes down the toilet. It's the most fucking insane thing I've ever heard in my life.

So then she comes walking out of the bathroom. She's like, oh my God, like what's with your friend? What am I supposed to wear? So they took a tablecloth off the table and they cut a hole in it and they made a dress out of it and then tied it off around the middle and then she was just went on tour with them. Happy as a clamp. All right, that's me butchering that story. Just imagine 200 and what was it, 273 pages of that phenomenal, phenomenal fucking read. And it also exposed me to all this amazing music in the 80s that I completely missed on because, you know, I was 12 in 1980. So right around, you know, I don't, you know, you don't listen to good music when you're in your teenage years, unless you have really well informed older siblings. Like the youngest kid in the family usually knows what to listen to, you know, if he has old, you know, brothers who are like eight, nine, 10 or sisters that are old, like eight years older or something can usually hit his friends too. Okay, you know, just some of the music that ministry was making, right? And to think that I was arguing with people about whether, you know, Motley Crue was better than poison, not shitting on those bands, but I'm just saying, because I like both those bands for what they are. I like them, you know, I love Motley Crue and poison, it took me a while. I mean, they came out with makeup and all the chicks liked them.

And, you know, so it's you, they were easily hateable. So was Bon Jovi and all that. Oh my God, he's so dreamy, you know, those guys fucking suck, right? You just start doing that shit. But if you just look at him for what the fuck they were doing, you know, it's all right, right? But anyways, I had no idea. I had no fucking idea. And I still don't if you guys actually, you know, you know a lot about that type of music or you got some punk bands, because I missed out on all of that shit. And I'd really like to go back and listen and work my way through that. The road less traveled of 80s music because I didn't know any better. All right. Okay, continuing on. What the fuck is this? Oh, this is from last week. And of course, I just reduced the damn thing. And rather than, is that the right word reduced it? Are you cooking here, Bill? Oh, by the way, all things comedy has was starting to do a monthly show down at logo logo on La Cienega. We have a show. This Tuesday night, all things comedy, the podcast is on the network. Me and Al Madrigal, we're going to be down there knocking out another show. We had a great time.

Last month show was one of the best stand up shows I've been on in a long time just as far as not only the level of comedy stand up comedy just the diverse. The, you know, just it was a really great mix of comics that were on that one. So we're hoping we can do it again. And it's also a great, you know, if you see how diverse the comedians are, so are the podcasts on all things comedy. And I really appreciate everybody that's already bought tickets to come on down. It's going to be eight o'clock on Tuesday night. All right, plowing ahead. What else do we got here? Oh, you know, it fucking bugs me. I went to Toronto again, which is such a great city. They're all Montreal, Toronto, Vancouver. I just have a great time when I'm up there. I can't wait to run through that country up there in March of next year's when we're shooting to tour that country. But, uh, every time I go to Toronto, I always go, I got to go to the Elma combo because that's where Stevie Ray Vaughn, uh, he recorded that, uh, I guess live at the Elma combo and I fucking still didn't get to do it this time. Just didn't have enough goddamn time. It's annoying. So anyways, let's plow ahead here. Uh, Mother Teresa is what this next one is called. Bill, you mentioned in your YouTube tour of Boston, something to the effect of that someday someone is going to write a tell all about Mother Teresa.

Yeah, I was just joking around. He said someone did. Here's the link. Here's a link to the documentary based on the book. Quick summary. She was a cunt. Come on. 100%. She wasn't, uh, she wasn't helped some people out. Jesus Christ. Well, you know what? Mother Teresa can be called a cunt. I guess I should take the fact that I'm a real cunt. You're a real cunt. You realize that. Um, all right, college stadium. Oh, hey, by the way, anybody, uh, anybody ever been to Italy? Um, I'm going to go there to get acclimated to the time before I do the European tour. I'm just going to, I said, fuck it, you know, why just go over there and bang out a bunch of shows. I never get to see anything other than the backs of comedy clubs. I want to go see some shit. So I've decided that I'm going to go over, you know, a couple of two, three days over in Italy and I'm leaning towards going to Naples. Anybody, anybody at all, if you've ever been there, can you give me some places to go? I want to go see a fucking opera over there.

Get all dressed up, bring a little handkerchief, cry like a little girl, you know, take the whole fucking thing in. Have some skinny. And then I'm off. I'm off on my run. So if you guys have any suggestions, I would really appreciate it. Oh, and speaking of which, there's really just a lot of announcements this week. I had a lot of shit happen. Thank you to whoever brought me the Ken Burns, the war on DVD that was ridiculously generous of you. You did not have to do that and believe me, I will be watching that once again the second I get through all of Ken Burns is the rest of them because I've already seen that one, but I definitely want to watch it again because it's like such a history lesson. Just as far as you can just see, oh, first we went here, then we went here. This is where this island is. This is where the Battle of the Bulge was really fucking fascinating. So thank you for that. All right, College Stadium. Bill I am a group of my buddies and I want to take a trip somewhere random and catch a good college football game, not necessarily just the game of the team, but also a great stadium. We're all in our mid 20s and live in Florida. Bend to plenty of Gators and Seminoles games. I was going to say, Jesus Christ, well, you don't have to travel. You got it right there. Which college, College Stadium, would you suggest we make our trip to somewhere that serves beer during the game would be a plus, but not a requirement?

I don't know about that. I don't know that the NCAA, any of the College Stadium serve beer. I never noticed that they didn't at the Rose Bowl because I was so fucking shitfaced that I didn't need any more alcohol. So I'm usually trying to buy something to absorb all the booze that I've ingested. But I don't think that you can. That's what my friends have been telling me. We were just in College Station and they didn't sell it there. They didn't sell it at the LSU game. So anyways, in other words, what's the best college stadium atmosphere that you've been to that you would recommend visiting? Love the podcast, blah, blah, blah. Go fuck yourself. Okay. Yeah, I like that you phrased it that way because I'm only going by what I've done. I gotta tell you, LSU Alabama in Baton Rouge was, even if you're not a fan of the sport, you realize that you're at something legendary and special. Just SEC football in general, like the level that's being played at there and another golden age of that conference. And I'm blown away by how well-behaved and polite the fans are because, you know, the stereotype of Southerners, you know, walking around, what are you doing over here, boy?

We don't walk your cat around here. It's nothing like that. It's nothing. Most of that shit is just from watching Mississippi Burning and Hollywood's version. I'm not saying that those guys don't exist. All right? It's kind of like that Ray Donovan character. Like that character is supposed to represent like everybody on the East Coast, basically the Northeast, that that's how people are, you know? You come near my family again and I'll fucking kill you. You know, that bullshit all the time. And like everybody down South is fucking playing a washboard. It's not like that at all. I thought that they were, you know, they throw down the level. Even College Station, they were amazing. This is what I would do. I would pick, if you're a fan of any other team, go into a home game against one of their big rivals is awesome. It's fun to go to a game where you actually give a shit about the team.

So you kind of have a dog in the fight, or if you're going to go see someone really special, you know, like some once in a generation kind of player like Johnny Football comes around. Like, you know, that guy's going to be a legend regardless of what he does in the football NFL, whether he makes it or not. That's to be able to say like I saw that guy in his sophomore year play against Alabama and in a 49-42 game. That's pretty cool. So if I was you, just to looking at saving money and that type of shit, you really don't need to go anywhere. You're down there in SEC country. Anyways, I would go see Alabama. I go to the Alabama Auburn game, even though Auburn's not as good as they were with Cam Newton. I go to one of those ones. For some reason, the Florida Georgia game in Jacksonville does not interest me because that it's an away game for everybody because they were worried about the behavior of people. I want to see their behavior. I like when there's one team going into a hostile, hostile environment. So, you know, like I saw Texas, Oklahoma at the Cotton Bowl and that was awesome and it was great legendary stadium to go to, but there was definitely something missing.

There was no, you know, you're in our house now vibe was not there. So I don't know, Jesus, am I fucking me entering this week or what? So if I was you, I would either go to Tuscaloosa, I go to Baton Rouge. Tennessee for some reason looks fucking insane to me. Tennessee I think would be insane just because that's just Knoxville is just the middle of fucking nowhere and there's nothing else to do but to go absolutely apeshit at a Tennessee volunteers game and just watch them throwing down. They have to fucking show is being outside the stadium and watching how hardcore these people party or and cook and all that. I mean, they don't get drunk and belligerent like at least I haven't seen that yet. There's probably a lot of people rolling their fucking eyes, but you know, it seems like the violent fans are on the coast. I don't know, like if you got to get stomped or fucking stabbed or shot, especially out here in California. I don't know. And if you mosey on up to somebody's smoker, all you do throw him a couple of compliments.

Next thing you know, you got something smoked, sitting on a plate, they'll fucking hook you up. They're great. They're great people. South get the South gets such a bad fucking reputation. And I know there's a racism and there's all that fucking shit, but unfortunately that racism is everywhere, at least as far as my travels. So the end of the day, those fuckers cook better than they do in the up north at a football game anyways. So there you go. There's my long-winded fucking answer. All right. Hey, Billy Betts. A couple of weeks ago, you said you don't want to see the Coliseum because it's too touristy. I implore you to change your mind. Oh, here it is.

You yourself, you owe yourself. You left out the O. What? You yourself love to go to different arenas and stadiums in America. If I remember correctly, you said you wanted to go to every major sporting arena in the U.S. Yeah, I know this argument. I know what you mean. As well as major college stadiums. The Coliseum is one of the oldest stadiums in the world and the most famous in history in the history of the world. 50,000 people could sit in it. It had a retractable roof, giant pieces of fabric that were controlled by men to block the sun out.

Jesus Christ. All right, I'm sold. I'm going. And some historical texts claim that it was even filled with water. Enable battles were reenacted for the public. Jesus Christ. You know what? Was that the greatest empire of all time? Wow, they put the gluttony. Even, you know, I can only speak for my country, but even like the level of big gulps and how fat people are now. Even with that, we don't have puking rooms here. Like they had rooms, the Romans had rooms just for like after you've gorged yourself, where you just went in and yacked, you know.

And can you imagine the poor, conquered people that had to clean that fucking thing out every couple of hours? An un-air conditioned puke room. Wow. Jesus Christ. I'd fight a line in a second not to fucking have to do that. Just get it over with. He said, yes, it is very a very touristy place to go, but it is the most famous arena in the history of the world. It was built nearly 2000 years ago and still stands today. I guarantee you that I saw in Dallas won't be standing in 2000 years. P.S. My girlfriend watched your episode of New Girl. Instead, it was the first time she ever saw you not yelling.

Jesus, I'm getting pounded this week, but I can't, I can't argue any of it. I am a real cunt and I do scream a lot. All right, well, maybe I'll do that. Like, look, I have plans for the rest of my stand up career of continuing to expand my tours through Europe and wherever else they'll have me. Australia and I want to see it, man. I'm only here once. I want to see it. And Italy, I don't plan on just going to one time. Like there's all these different through all these years of watching Mario Batali who gets my vote is the coolest fucking redhead on TV.

All right. Just his knowledge and passion for that country and their food and all the different places to go. He's made me want to go to so many different parts of Italy. So I'm just starting with this one. I guess I should start with Rome, but it just seemed hacky to go there. So, uh, I don't know. I mean, the game plan always was to tour, make a little bit of money in Europe and then blow all of it in some awesome country. So that's basically it.

I probably won't be making that much money in Europe because people don't really know me. And, uh, but you know how much the spaghetti cost. All right. How about a little advertising here? All right. Evoyce, everyone. If you're an entrepreneur and a customer calls, do you want it to seem like you're in a high rise window view fancy pants office? Or do you want them to know that you're just sitting there in your underwear and a one bedroom apartment? You know, all sweaty on a futon. That's not good for business.

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There we go. Bill, here is a dilemma. You're hanging out at your house wanting a snack. Your lady says she's going to bake you some cookies. What a sweetheart. Absolutely. What a champ. She brings the cookies out and to your surprise, they are dick shaped cookies.

Think bachelorette party complete with sprinkles for pubes, etc. You're hungry and the cookies are sure to be tasty, but they are shaped like dicks. Do you eat all the cookies? Thanks and go fuck yourself. You know what we have here, sir? That right there is a classic example of some cold lotion. That right there is some fucking cold lotion. You said you're hungry.

You want a snack and your woman goes, oh, go make you some cookies. You're like, holy shit. I finally found a woman that still cooks. It doesn't feel like you're taking away her right to vote if she goes out and does that for you. Phenomenal. She brings the cookies in. You're all excited and you look down and you got a bowl of cocks. Do you eat the cookies?

Well, do you plan to run for office someday, sir? If you do, well, that probably wouldn't work. I would say you should take a picture yourself eating the bowl of dicks. That way, no one could ever say that you're homophobic. But somebody could run a smear campaign and say that your marriage was a sham. And just have you, you know, they pick the worst picture you with your eyes half closed and the most enjoyable ecstasy look in your face. Sugar rush as you're sticking a dick in your mouth.

I know that could go either way. Do you eat the cookies? Hey, listen, a fucking cookie's a cookie. I eat them if they tasted good. Hey, when those things get stale, does that mean they're kind of, they get like a wrecked? Sorry, it was a stupid dick joke. Do you eat the cookies? I don't know about, you know what?

I'd have to know what you, if your girlfriend did that to be fucking hilarious. Like, hey, you want some cookies and then comes out with a bowl of dicks. Dick cookies, that's fucking hilarious. At which point I'd eat all of them. But yeah, there's no way she wasn't trying to be funny. You know what? You should laugh and you should eat them with a big glass of milk, which metaphorically is giz color.

If you get like the 0% fat, you should just go all out with it. Ah, that's fucking gross. I never liked sex jokes with food. Isn't that disgusting that I gross you out? I apologize. I apologize to you on this wonderful Monday. Hey, by the way, everybody, I bet you're sitting there going like, you know, fuck my life. I want to know what Bill's doing this weekend.

I know you're not, but let's just, just appease my ego. Appease the ego of a real cunt here. I'm going to be at the Chicago, the legendary Chicago theater this, this Saturday night for not one, but two shows. Who am I bringing along? None other than master chef slash Rose Bowl tailgate legend, Jason Lawhead, who's Cleveland Browns won this week. All right, so check out lawhead court, lawhead's court is his podcast. You'll get to hear something that you haven't heard in a long time, which is probably a happy Cleveland Browns fan. I am a closet Cleveland Browns fan because I think they have one of the best fucking uniforms in the league.

And, uh, and they were great when I was a kid in the 80s. I love those Browns teams that fucking municipal stadium. Just that it just was on NFL films municipal stadium when it was overcast and it was cold and it maybe snowed a little bit. Now the field was muddy. They just would, it was one of the last great football stadiums out there, even though I know it was built for baseball. It was probably a terrible place to see a game in a lot of ways. Um, I was a fan of Brian Sip and the cardiac kids and all of that shit. So I always root for those fuckers.

Um, so anyways, yeah, I'll be at the, uh, the Chicago theater. Unfortunately, I'm coming in and coming right back out flying in the day of and then leaving. I wanted to try and maybe take in, I think Northwestern's at home. I know Notre Dame is at home. I was going to try to drive over there, but I think it's too long a fucking drive. But, uh, anyways, if you guys have any suggestions on a great place to eat, I don't want to get deep. I don't want to get deep dish pizza. Um, I don't want to do that.

How about more like a steak place that deep dish pizza, man? Like you always order one and you're like, I got this, I got this. And then it becomes like a man versus food moment. Um, it is, it is delicious. You know what? Fuck it. How about a steak place and a good place to get a deep dish pizza? You know what you guys should do?

You guys should try to see how fucking fat you can make me just subtly. Just all get together. Like that guy suggested, like you're all in communication with each other. You know, and now that I've canceled those dates, why don't you guys try to get together and try to make me a fat freckled fuck? Um, all right. Hater. All right. Billy Titrag.

I don't even know what it, what is it? Titrag. Is that a worn out bra? Um, I, I need some advice on a hater. All right. I'm 20 years old. Hey, that guy called it. Like that guy who called me a ginger scumbag, he called it.

That's at least he called the age that somebody 20 years old was going to write it. I'm 20 years old and I've been pretty shy and self conscious for my entire life until recently. That's understandable, sir. I was well within the tortoise shell until I was 23. Um, he says, I've started to just say, fuck it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. That's a great thing. Good for you.

He said, and it feels great, but it's hard though. Uh, I'm no expert. I got a lot. I've got a lot more confidence and now I have, I now have one of my first haters. Well, that's good. You know what most people hate? Most people hate watching somebody enjoy themselves or be successful. So he must either he knew you or she knew you before when you were shy and now is seeing

you starting to come out, coming to your own and it's making that person feel left behind or, uh, they're just straight across the board. Anybody having a good time and enjoying themselves, they try to knock them down. Um, anyways, he says, this kid goes to my college of 600 people. We go out as a big group most nights and he's always there once in a while. He'll throw a comment my way and I just ignore it. Uh, last night I was talking to a girl and he comes up behind and puts my hood over my head. I turned around and stared at him for 10 seconds and he just looked away.

This kid's pathetic. I've just been ignoring him and trying not to give a fuck. That doesn't work with bullying, sir. That doesn't. Um, he says, I definitely don't want to fight the kid and ruin my reputation, but I also don't want to look like a little bitch. I figured you might know what to say seeing that you deal with hecklers all the time. Thanks.

Um, first of all, hey, you don't have to hang out with this kid. Um, you know, this, unfortunately, this is not the first one of these kinds of people that's going to be in your life. You have to, um, you got to pay attention, especially when you're younger, because you're kind of wide open because you just, you know, you're just out of your parents' house and you're starting to learn shit on your own. And a lot of times if you came from a dysfunctional home, you'll actually surround yourself with the same kind of cunts, the exact cunts

when you yelled at your parents and you walk out, you actually end up rebuilding that exact same structure. Now that's not my, that's obviously I've heard that, you know, from people who are intelligent. And I actually went out and did that. So what you have to do, you got to cut the cancer out. All right. You don't need to be around this guy. You're having a good time.

You're coming into your own. You're talking to the ladies. You're having a good time. So, uh, no, if he does something like that to you again, yeah, you got to, you have to at some point, you got to step to the kid and just be like, dude, is there some sort of a problem here? You know, and considering you just stared at him and he looked away, I pretty much think he's going to back down.

But, uh, you know, if you got to do what you got to do, if you got to have a fight, you got to have a fight. It's not a bad thing. You know, just nowadays with lawsuits and all these YouTube videos and shit, kids used to settle shit amongst themselves. So, uh, you might have to do that. I hope you don't. Um, but yeah, I would not ignore him.

I would not ignore him. I would, uh, you know, if you don't want to go the physical route, I would just pick out something, um, that looks bad on him physically. And I would bring that up. I would go, I would go right for the fucking jugular, uh, with that kid. There's a zillion different ways to do it. And I'm afraid to tell you which way to do it because if it goes wrong, then, you know, the way everybody gets sued nowadays, just know I'm a fucking moron.

But, um, I do know that if you're going to keep running into the same person and they're, they're, they're overstepping a boundary with you, ignoring them does not make them go away. You know, like that shit they say, if you run into a black bear, just stand still and ignore it. It'll go away. They don't. Okay.

So you have to, uh, you got to address it. You could say anything, anything to whatever his name is. Hey, what's up? You going to be in a cunty mood again this night? You know, can you do me a favor? Maybe rub one out before you come over here with your frustrated fucking energy. Something like that. I don't know, except don't start it when you say energy, energy.

Um, I don't know. I don't know if you know how to fight. If you know how to fight, uh, you know, I'm not saying to do it, but, uh, there is a reason God allowed you to ball up your fist. Hey, if God didn't want us to punch anybody in the face, would he have blessed us with fists? Isn't that amazing thing about your hand? Now we can caress somebody or fucking choke him to death.

Just the options. That's why I don't think he's, he's going to judge you. You could fucking really do whatever you want. You know, you're going to fucking just give people the, the, the, the, I've been doing a bit about this. How you can give people freedom of choice. And then you're going to get upset when they make the wrong choices. You're going to make them flawed and then you're going to get mad.

I don't understand that. I really don't. All right. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. I hope you had a good time. Just to let you know this week, once again, I'm going to be in Chicago theater and then I have after that and I can, I can tell you one guy who's not going to be there.

That guy from earlier this week, I lost one everybody. He's not even listening to this right now. Anyways, you know what? I should get the email of the guy from the past week. You got all pissed off about the El Paso one. I got to get that from my guy who helps me with all this shit. I should let him know that it's been rescheduled and he can get his money back and all that. I still feel bad that he drove four hours.

I knew that was going to fucking happen. Anyways, here we go. October 3rd. I'm going to be October 2nd. The reschedule show in El Paso is going down. It's going down. All right. And I will try to do something extra special to make up for the fact that all these people drove out there

and then it fucking rained, which was beyond my control. And you know what's fucked up? I had such a good time driving from El Paso to San Antonio that I think I'm actually going to drive from LA to El Paso. It's a 12-hour drive, which is, that's nothing. That's nothing to, I've been doing the road for a long time. I already know how I'm going to break it up. Break it up. See, break it up.

All right. October 3rd. I'll be at the San Jose Center for the Performing Arts. October 4th. Paramount Theater in Seattle. Washington. We are the loudest October 5th. I'll be at the Celebrity Theater in Phoenix, Arizona.

That is in the round. All of those are going to be just amazing venues and just really going to be fun shows. I got all this new shit that I've been working on. A bunch of stuff is coming together. I'm excited to be doing my act. So I'm thrilled that you guys are coming out despite the fact that I'm a real cunt. All right. There you go.

Here's the wrap up everybody. Now that the show is over, do me a favor. Don't forget to go to my podcast page. If you're going to go to Amazon and buy something, if you'd like to help out this podcast and the Wounded Warriors Project, just click on the Amazon banner. It doesn't cost you any extra money. They kicked me a little, thanks a lot. A little, how's your father there?

And then I kicked part of that over to the Wounded Warriors Project. Everybody fucking wins. And that's it. And the rumor has it that the podcast t-shirts are done and that I'm going to be picking them up this week. So get ready for those for next week. And lastly, but not leastly, not leastly, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus.

Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of tits shows anytime, anywhere, TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. It's awesome, man. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com slash bill. That's huluplus.com slash bill. Once again, thank you to everybody listening to this podcast.

Have a great week. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next Monday. Bye.