Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-23-19

Episode Date: September 23, 2019

Bill rambles about uniforms, the Emmys, and keeping your trap shut.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, September 23, 2019. What's going on? Yes, the summer is officially over. You guys can all now cry that it's fucking over and it's still fucking 70 degrees out. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your summer. Football season is still in September, so it goes by quick. Everybody talks about raising a kid how fast it goes by. And there's a million people that will warn you how fast raising a kid. It's like I turned around and all of a sudden he had a beard and he was coming at me with a knife. I was just like, I used to change your diapers. And he was like, I hate you! Right? Everybody talks about how fast that journey is. Ad nauseam. Right?

So I'm using that correctly. But nobody, but nobody ever tells you how fast football season goes by. Nobody warns you. You know, they get you all excited. And all of a sudden they're looking at the playoff picture. What the fuck happened? You know, you lose your shirt betting in the beginning because you don't know who's good. You're betting college football. What the fuck are you doing? Laying 60 points in September, whatever the fuck these stupid games are. Then you start figuring it out right around when they start wearing the pink. The next thing you know, it's fucking Thanksgiving's coming up. Jesus, where are we going? Your house? Can we go to my family? Ever? All right, yeah. Fuck it. We'll go to your fucking place. We'll go to yours again.

All right, you have that big fucking fight. I will. I will stay here. You guys can all go. I don't give a fuck. That's not true. I love the holidays. Right? You have that big stupid fight. By then you just like fucking a month left. Maybe that's what it is. I used to think it was because there was so few games in the year that it just flew by. That's not what it is. It's because you get like halfway through the season and then it's just fucking holiday season, even though everybody looks past Halloween, except for the gays. They're the only ones out there that understand the importance of the Halloween. Everybody fucking blows by. It's a great excuse to make some pumpkin bread. Start getting the whole fucking holiday look around your apartment, your house, or your

tent, wherever the fuck you're at. Actually, you wouldn't need it if you were living in a tent. The fucking foliage is, you're sleeping on it. I don't think homeless people are too excited about the, what is that pumpkin shit they put in everything? And like, you know, those fucking addicts who go down to the fucking Starbucks and stand in a line of 40 fucking people to get their fix in the morning. They always have those pumpkin infused lattes. You know, it doesn't want one of those fucking things. If somebody living outside during Halloween, you know, you think anybody knocks on their tent, see if they got any candy they can give up. Oh, Bill, that's me. Now, maybe it is. Maybe it is. I don't know what, but then, you know, and then it's fucking

Thanksgiving, right? And then it's fucking Christmas. You know what the, I guess like football, I mean, sorry, hockey and basketball, but it's the beginning. You get it out of the way and they play a zillion games. That's what, I think that's what it is. It's, there's so few games. The holidays takes up like fucking, you know, 60% of the goddamn season. I feel like it's the, if you don't count the playoffs, all right, half the season. What? I was never good at math. I was good at regular math, plus, minus, divide, multiply. You can do that shit all day. Okay. You need me to map out how to make a fucking bridge. I'm sorry. It's just not happening. Okay. So stop with the emails. I can't help you. I think that's what it is. So I'm really trying to fucking enjoy it. And

what I'm doing is I'm just taping games. I'm taping games because I got to do other shit. On Sundays, I go to a farmer's market. That's what I do. I go to the, I'm total dad guy. I load up the whole family. We go down there, we get the fruits and vegetables that are allegedly organic, but we all know came from some fucking evil farm. Okay. And you know, they just got some fucking, you know, meth heads down there running the fucking table that they're like, listen, just say it's organic and we'll give you the meth after after, right? You see them all sweating. You think it's because they just pulled, you know, we're working hard pulling the crops out of the ground. It isn't. They're just fiending for more meth, but whatever. I like a lie like anybody else, you

know, so I go down there, we do our fucking thing. Got a bunch of vegetables and all that shit, little bit of fruit or something like that. And then I'm just taping the games. So then I come back and I got the first half is already over. I think that's what happened. Yeah, the first half was already over. So I sat down, I watched I watched Patriots versus the Jets, which, you know, was an easy game with the fuck. I mean, they did. They're starting quarterbacks got mono. You know, we went to the prom. He must have foregone his fucking junior and senior year of high school or something. I don't know where the fuck this guy got mono all my years of watching football. I never saw somebody miss a game because of mono. He's got mono. So he's not playing the Jets show up love the new love

the new old school uniforms, right? Those are the ones that takes me back to Richard Todd and free Mc McNeil and all of that. And I never thought I'd miss those because I always thought the Joe Namath ones were the cool ones. But I think they got a good thing going there. You know, every 20 years they switch back. I think it's a good deal. I'll tell you who should never switch their uniforms, because there's only a few teams left since the Browns fucked up their uniform. They had that beautiful fucking uniform, brown and white, the orange helmet, simple, you know, indicating the history that they have in the NFL, how long they've been there, how few colors, all you everybody's just, you know, you look at hockey, the original six, you look at Toronto, they're blue and white.

You look at fucking the redwinks, they're red and white. Who else is the original six? Bruins, with black and gold, Montreal, blue blogger, Rouge, because they're fucking French, they got to be fancier, right? And then the Ranges, they were red and blue. Who else was the fucking last one? Jesus Christ. The second the season ends, I figure the Blackhawks. Oh, are they black and red? I don't fucking know. Bill, shut up. You don't have any points to make. All right, maybe you're right. The Kansas City Chiefs should never change that fucking uniform. That uniform is the shit. Red and white, very simple. I also tape,

I tape the Chiefs vs. Ravens. I watched the first half. I mean, they're just scary good. They just are. And I wrote the kid's name down, that fucking catch that kid made in the corner of the end zone. Oh, no. No, what happened? I can't hear myself. Oh, I see what happened. The fucking, there we go. Now I can hear myself. Jesus Christ. I just knocked over my whole podcast studio, leaning forward to get my phone here. What the fuck was this kid's name here? DeMarcus Robinson. Jesus Christ. The hell did this kid come from? They think another guy's one of the 4-2-40. So I think they got the offense down. I'll actually

say, I think that defense is a little suspect on the run, but it's really early and they got Andy Reed. He knows what the fuck he's doing. So I think it's, I don't know, Verzi's hilarious. I fucking love Verzi, right? By the way, Verzi's playing Gotham Comedy Club this weekend. All right, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, the tri-state area. You guys go in and you support that guy. I'm telling you, man, he's fucking murdering. I'm so happy for him, you know, as a friend and then also as a friend. I'm sad because now he's, he's never open it for me anyway. He's moved on. He's a big star. Catch him at Gotham now. When you, you can say you saw him in the intimate confines of a 400-seater. No, very happy for him. He sent me a text. Classic Verzi. You know he goes big.

You know he loves a favorite. Guess what he said about the AFC? He goes, dude, I'll fucking read him. If you don't believe me, I will fucking read you these things. Word for word. Three weeks into the season. Oh, Paulie fucking Verzi. Where the hell is it? Scroll in, scroll in, scroll in. This does every year. Every year, he's like the mush. He tells him that my team's a fucking lock every year. I swear to God, he does it on purpose. It's like, isn't it enough that your Giants beat us twice in the fucking Super Bowl? You got to fucking do this? All right. All right. He just texts me. All right. 3.43. Oh, no, where is it? Okay. 10.44 AM my time. So it was 1.44 PM East Coast time on Sunday. Pat's going to win the Super Bowl over already. Defense is

unreal. Tom looks incredible. Yo, I'm headlining Gotham this weekend. All right. Yeah. So I mentioned that. It's already over, everybody. So I just wrote how and overall over already, right? He goes Super Bowl's over. No need to watch. Does anybody go bigger than Verzi? That's why I love this guy. I actually saw it already. Defense is unreal. Brady looks great. He's getting seventh this year. So I write back, we've played the Steelers, the Dolphins and the Jets. Now, no disrespect to the Steelers. I mean, I don't think they're as bad as that first game, but they seem like they weren't ready to go. It was the first game of the year. Anybody can have a turd their first game. The fucking Dolphins, I don't think that they were this bad since they were in expansion franchise.

I mean, they were a fucking mess. And the Jets, they're starting quarterback, you know, went to Inspiration Point prom night and got himself mono. So we haven't fucking played anybody. So I wrote that. I go, none of those teams are making the playoffs. You will never learn. I wrote three weeks Pauly. He goes, doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that we haven't played anybody. He goes, you guys never had a D like this early. Yeah, we did. We did in the early 2000s. We did plus two great defensive backs. We've had that before. And that Collins kid, barring injuries. It's over. AFC title game against the Chiefs. Now, first of all, that's what everybody picked at the beginning of the year. That was last year's. He goes, it's over. He goes,

congrats. And then sent a champagne fucking emoji in my eye. I don't know some some other party fucking thing. It's just fucking, it's the funniest shit ever. It's the funniest. There's so much more football to be played. Who the fuck knows who the fuck? I mean, look at that fucking Antonio Brown saga day to day. What the hell's going on with that? That's the shit. Cause as much as far as he does this shit, then it also come up with something great. His theory on Antonio Brown is that he suffers. He's suffering from some sort of CTE during his career. He wasn't like this at the beginning of his career. He's quiet. He just did his job. And all of a sudden he's just fucking bizarre. You know what I mean? I don't know. I don't know. So I'm just talking about like the

football football aspect. Forget about all that other horrific shit that he's accused of. So as always, Paul goes big. He tells me to fucking, you know, already booked my plane ticket to wherever the fuck they're playing the Super Bowl. And I, on the other hand, I always go the other way. I'm watching the chiefs every week. Like it's going to make me more prepared to watch them play the Patriots. I don't understand why I'm doing it, but it's also like, you know, I love seeing greatness and Patrick Mahomes is obviously at this point is on his way too. And I just want to see as many of his early games as possible. And I really enjoyed watching him play today. I will say that other kid though, who plays for the, the Ravens, unbelievable arm. Jesus Christ. He's

got to, he's got to start using it though. My God. He literally was running the fucking wishbone offense. You don't last too long running around like that. When they brand that when he went for the two point conversion, he got fucking stuck in the back. That hurt me to watch. So hopefully, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the, I don't know shit about football. I just like watching it in spurts. So right now I'm taping the Browns versus the Rams. And it's exciting to have the Rams back in LA, even if I wasn't living out here. I like when they go back to the, uh, at least the original city that I know, I know the Rams that initially came from Cleveland, but I like that they're out here and I love that they're fucking coaches like some fucking

prodigy football mind. Those guys are the shit man. There's nothing better than a fucking genius head football coach. You know, I think football is like the perfect game if you're an unbelievable coach where it's just total fucking warfare, moving your platoon out there and just having the right people in position. I love that shit. You know, I never know what's going on, but when guys like Tony Romo break it down, it's just the shit. Um, all right, let's get to, uh, some of the stuff that I did this weekend. So here's where I am with my act right now. So I did two shows at the Coronet Theater and, uh, I went up Thursday night and just ate my fucking balls. All this shit that was killing the last time I did a spot at the store and fucking killed.

I had a great time at the lab factory. It was just fucking going. Then it took a few days off and it's still new material. So I don't know what happened. Um, but these, I apologize to people that were there Thursday night. I fucking ate my balls and then I came back Saturday night, you know, working with Pete Holmes and, uh, I was supposed to go on last. I asked if I could flip with them and he said, cool. Cause, uh, last second I got hooked up with a couple of tickets to go see guns and roses at the Palladium where Richard prior taped live on the sunset strip. I'll get back, I'll get to that in a minute. So I fucking went up and I just, I opened with something different, breathe new life into it. I did 51 minutes, nothing from my special,

very happy. And, uh, I'm doing a couple, two, three spots this week. I got a, what do I got? I got the Virgil on nine or the fuck that is. I got that on Monday and, um, kind of a hipster room, I think, I don't know anything that I haven't heard of as a fucking hipster room. I mean, I've heard of it. I just haven't been there in a while. Uh, then I got the comedy store on Tuesday and the comedy store on Thursday and, uh, getting ready here cause I got some dates coming up. I got something in DC and then I got my gigs down south, down south in the, uh, ACC country, getting ready to go to that Clemson game. Very excited about that. I have a little bit of press that I'm going to be doing, going back East to promote, uh, Paper Tiger. If you haven't seen

it yet, please watch it. It's doing phenomenally and, um, I couldn't be more thrilled with that. Speaking of thrilled, so I was supposed to go on last. I told Pete, I got those guns and roses tickets. So he switched with me, um, being the cool son of a gun that he is. So, uh, I ended up going up with Josh Adam Meyers from the God damn comedy jam and the podcast, the 500 and we went up to the palladium and, uh, first of all, that place is fucking sick and people were smoking weed and shit. So there was some cloud cover in there, you know, or maybe it was just the fucking, I don't know, dry ice shit that they do before rock shows. I don't know what, but it kind of was feeling like, you know, you know, the prior fucking, the look of his special, you know, I always

think that when I go in there and, um, we got in there just in time and the fucking band went on about maybe 20 minutes after we got there and just absolutely fucking ripped fucking ripped filming this little, I mean, little, little for them, a 4,000 cedar, but, um, that's the second time I've ever seen him when I see, uh, and I saw him both times on this tour and, uh, everybody was just on it was a fucking phenomenal show and I'm sitting there looking at my watch going like, I got to go to the farmer's market tomorrow. I got to get out of here. They went on, you know, but I stayed, I missed the encore. I stayed for like three quarters of the show and I had, I just had to, you know, it's a dad thing. I can't be dragging ass, you know what I mean? Cause then

it's just, you know, I don't want, I don't want to do that shit. All right. Okay. No disrespect to guns and roses, but I got to take my kid to the farmer's market and make sure they still got the radishes down there, whatever the fuck, you know, cause they sell out, but, um, oh my God, were they fucking good? Jesus Christ. Just fucking amazing, man. Um, and it was so cool to see him in that venue and also to see him on the, on sunset Boulevard. Cause all these older guys always tell, oh man, you missed it. You missed it, man. You know, back in the day of the eighties, the scene on the sunset strip was fucking crazy and all that shit. So to finally see that band where they played a zillion shows was extra special. So thanks,

Stu, Brian hooked me up. So thank you for that. And, uh, and that was my weekend. God damn it. That was my fucking weekend. Look at you back to back weekend. So iron maiden last weekend. So guns and roses, you know, this weekend. Who's next? I don't know. Um, all right. What else? What else? What else? What else? Um, yeah. So I'm out here doing the podcast right now, cause my lovely wife is in watching the Emmys because she's a great person and she roots for people. I am the other hand. I'm a fucking asshole and she can't watch it with me. Um, every time I go in, I just look at the TV and I just start laughing. There's always something fucking inadvertently hilarious. Um, just pick something. The actor being overly serious. I saw this one

guy was just like, I feel such an order to adults, adults freaking out over a shiny fucking thing. Right. And then, uh, oh, and white women crying is my favorite. That's my favorite fucking thing ever. You know, that's just my favorite, my favorite fucking thing in the world right now. And the second they start crying, I burst out laughing the same way I used to laugh when like, you know, when you used to watch the biggest loser and some guy talks about how, you know, we quit eating double cheeseburgers and he just ended the fucking jowl start going on. It's just watching a grown man is funny. Watching a white woman in like a $10,000 dress talking about how hard it was. It's just funny. It's just fucking, I'm not saying that it wasn't hard, but just,

I'm saying as far, you know, she looked over her shoulder. I think those tears would dry up a little bit. Um, but whatever. Then I always end up ruining it. So I just, I, uh, I just, I just, I can feel, you know what I mean? It's like when a fucking, you know, quarterback calls a play in the huddle and then he sees the defense and he kind of looks at the wide receiver and he knows what the play just changed, but only the two of them know it and it's going to be fucking quick little pass for first down. Yeah. My wife gives me that look during the award show and I know what that means. Get the fuck out of here. And she's right because nobody is doing anything wrong on that night. So, uh, um, not saying it was all bad. Sarah Silverman maybe laugh as always.

I think she's fucking hilarious. Um, all right. What else we got here? Oh, so last, yeah, his was one for you. So I put it out there. I put it out to the universe and oh my god, you guys. I was talking about, you know, seeing these, all these fucking homeless people out here and it's bugging me, but I'm afraid to approach any of them. Cause I don't know if this is the fucking bipolar guy with the sickle. You know, I just don't need to be, you know, getting sliced up on the sidewalk. Okay. But I want to help out. How do you help out? I'm not going to bitch to a politician cause they, they can't do anything policy. The fucking corporations own it. All right. They got a fucking foot in the back of their necks. I was saying, I guess if

you're going to try and do something rather than be at the apathetic, you got to try to get involved. How can I do something? I said that on the podcast, people put me in touch with this comedian, Steve Simone was always helping people out and I was able to get some gift cards you know, for, you know, just a family, a family that just was going through some shit. A couple of bad fucking things happen and one, one of the two parents loses a job and all of a sudden they're in dire straits and very easy. Took me two fucking seconds. So there's all these great people out there like Steve that are actually approaching these people, finding out what their problems are. You just have to vet the person. You know, you don't mean, so you don't

end up on an episode of American greed. Please make sure cause Steve's, you know, he's on the level. Now watch him. He's probably took those fucking cards and went to the grocery store and got himself a fucking prime rib sandwich. He's son of a bitch. Now I know he didn't. So I was able to do that. So, you know, when I put that shit out there about, you know, I don't understand why public schools are in the situation that they're in. I do understand that politicians can't make it happen. They're too busy yelling at each other and all of this shit. So, you know, you just sort of bypass them and go directly to the people, which we were able to do here. I was able to buy some supplies for some public school teachers, you know, just do a little,

little fucking thing. That's it. And you go out and you have a couple of drinks. You start smoking a cigar and you talk real loudly about what you did, which is kind of what I'm doing here. But I'm just doing it cause I hope that you guys can do it because those are, you know, it just bugs me, you know, as an American to see fellow Americans out on the street like that. You know, look, if somebody looks fucking out of their mind crazy, I'm thinking, okay, maybe they need, they need to bring back the nut houses or something like that. But like, you know, I saw this woman get out of a tent the other day. I'm like, that, that looks just like somebody's mom. Um, you know, you try to shake it off, right? Turn up the music, blast the AC in your face,

but it stays with you. Anyways, so we're going to maybe try to start working with, you know, Steve, I know Al Madrigal and these guys, we're going to try to start working with him and we'll try going to try to create a little fucking alley around the bullshit that'll be a direct location just so you don't have to worry about. Cause like, you know, I, like most people have given the things in the past and then found out that they were a big fucking scam. I've had that happen at a number of levels and, uh, yeah, that'll make you want to kill somebody. You know, that's, that's worse. I don't know about somebody going into your house is pretty fucking bad, but whatever. Just saying you're doing something nice and you're not. So anyways,

put it out there. Ask around. You know, I think there's an easy way to just do a little something. Everybody does a little something. Maybe it'll help out. I can't tell you, it feels better today than doing nothing. All right. Um, all right. So 300 days sober. You know, I celebrated that by watching Aaron Rogers talking about how great his line protected him, how he wasn't sore at all. And he goes, I'll tell you what, I'm going to go home tonight and I knew he was going to say it. And he kind of like stopped talking and he's like, ah, fuck it. I'll say I'm go, maybe I'll have a Scotch, watch some game film because of their Thursday night football. That fucking killed me. I was just sitting there. My mouth watered like, I want to do that.

And I don't just mean Scotch. I want to do that whole thing. I want that to be my Sunday. I'm too old. It never happened for me. Lead an NFL football team to victory on my way to Canton, Ohio. Right. Feeling good because I didn't take any major hits and going home to have a Scotch and watch more football. I mean, can you be crushing it any harder than that guy? I feel like all of a sudden I was watching a fucking movie. 300, three days, no booze. I mean, there's no fucking way I'm making this. I'm going to make the year, but there is no fucking way. I'm going to go the rest of my life and never take Scotch again. I just can't fucking do it.

The thing is I can't have it in my house. I don't know how many times I got to learn that lesson, you know? So you know what I did? I fucking, you know, I love root beer, right? That's an old fucking guy thing. I love root beer, right? So I was hanging with Josh the other night. The fuck did we do? Oh, he went down on the night I bombed. So we're fucking coming back to layers. We drive it back and we're like, and he'd been mentioned how there's this place that has these fucking root beer floats that I was like, dude, I have wanted to have a root beer float for like 15 years. I used to get them all the time when I was a kid. When I had a paper, I even had to go to Friendly's

and you go in there and that was my shit. But I would get an ice cream soda and then I discovered the root beer float and it was, that was the shit. And then I don't know what happened. I probably was too old and I ordered one in high school. That's probably what happened at some point. That's why I stopped collecting football cards. One guy just said to me, aren't you a little bit old to be collecting football cards? I should have been a little young to be a fat fuck. I mean, that's what I should have said, but I didn't know how to say that back then. I could have kept collecting cards and I just stopped because I was like, oh fuck, am I not cool? I should have kept collecting them. That's when I knew everybody in the goddamn league. But

anyway, you know how much fucking cards I would have? God damn 40 years with the fucking football cards. Do you know why I own every year, I think, of the 1970s, a complete set of football cards? And to this day, every once in a while, I just take them down and I just go through them and I look at them and I look at the backs of them. I fucking, it's just the 1970s. That was it for me as far as football. And I wish that they, well, you know what happened was like the generation, like Billy Crystal's generation, I think, when they had all those guys like Mickey Mantle and Joe DiMaggio's rookie card and all that shit and it was just something kids did and nobody understood the money and nostalgia.

And then all of a sudden they got older and those cards were with tens of thousands of dollars. And they, I feel like that generation, loving, it was the weirdest thing ever, them loving baseball and those cards that much made all these greedy fucks come in when I was a kid and start buying up like every year, they just buy like 10 sets of like baseball cards and all that. So now all the baseball cards when I was a kid are essentially worth, are worthless because so many were made. And then what happened when I started collecting again, just cause I kind of fell out, not knowing all the players, I wanted to start collecting football cards again. I walked into a store

that sold them and it was a bunch of adults like me collecting, like going to buy them. And there was these guys up there and they were just going through, throwing out the common cards and just keeping the star cards and they just were just leaving them there on the counter, which to me was sacrilegious. First of all, the common cards, those are the ones you love the best. You know what I mean? Like when you talk about like championship teams and you really talk like everybody, like say like old Celtic teams that I grew up watching, anybody can bring up Larry Bird and Kevin McHale and Robert Parish and Dennis Johnson and those guys. All right. But when somebody says, you know, Rick Roby,

you know, who's that other guy, Eric Fernstein or something like that? Just those fucking players like, oh fuck, I remember that guy. I had his, you know, basketball card or whatever. So whatever. So these guys like the innocence of that 1950s generation and then just through loving the game and keeping the cards and all of a sudden they were worth something. It just kind of ruined it. And then so when I went back to collect them, yeah, I was adults and then you couldn't just buy a set of football cards. It was like, how much to buy the whole year? They don't sell it anymore. I'm like, why? It was just because a bunch of adults that have money fucking bought too many of them or something like that. And then they would deliberately make cards hard to get. So they would

have value or something like that. And then the whole thing was just perverted. I just said, forget the whole fucking thing. But I used to love doing that because they were on the back of the card, they had where the kid went to college, when he got drafted, a little blurb about him. And then they had all the person stats. I fucking knew everybody. I fucking now, and I barely, I can't remember anybody's fucking name anymore. I just wish they does anybody know, can you just buy like a cheap set with everybody's, you know, I always love to how the rookie card was worth the most. I never thought you liked the player. If that one was worth the most, I never understood that. It's like all of them. If you like the fucking player, right? I don't know. Anyway,

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of the cost of those expensive postage meters. Stamps.com is a no brainer saving you time and money. It's no wonder over 700,000 small businesses already use stamps.com right now. My listeners get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long term commitment. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in bird that stamps.com enter burr. All right, we got through it. We got through it. And I want you to know it'd be so much harder for a woman to read that copy. No, I bought my daughter a tricycle this weekend. There's a big dad moment. Fucking putting the thing together. I forgot the stupid washers. You know,

what do you think I did? You think I plowed through? Hell no. I took it apart and I put the washers on. There's not going to be any leftover parts. Right. Things still already squeaks like a son of a bitch. So I got to tell you. And she absolutely loves the thing. And it's so cool. We these cute kids who live next door and they're a little bit older and they got all bikes and shit like that. So she wanted to go see him and she took a tricycle along with her. And she said to her friend, she goes, look, look at tricycle. Dad got me made my fucking year. Oh yeah. I'm telling you, my kid's going to be cool as shit. I'm going to teach her how to drive my, uh, my old F 100 three on the tree. I'm going to teach her how to change the oil.

My wife's going to take it a ballet class and all that. I'm taking her to fucking jujitsu and all of that shit. Oh, that reminds me of a fucking bit. I got to write everything down now. Reminds me of a fucking bit I was going to do about jujitsu. How do you spell it without being anti-semitic? All right. What the fuck? Oh, new jokes. 2019. All right. Here we go. Uh, it's J U J I T. Oh, fuck you. What? He wasn't trying to spell kid. J U J S U. Or is it J I T S U jujitsu. That's not underlined. I am. Look at that. I've watched enough of the fucking Rogan UFC there. Um, all right. So yeah, that was my, uh, that was my weekend

and, uh, I just had an awesome weekend just being home and all that shit, but I'm gearing up to get back out on the road here. Um, so that's why I'm doing all the spots this week. So I'm trying to enjoy as much, you know, dad, husband time at home. It was awesome. All right. Um, okay. Pioneer. Hey, Bill, saw this article. Not sure, um, what the fuck is that thing? You guys, I swear to God, just help me out a little bit. Um, hey, Bill, saw this article. Not sure if you got to see it, but I think it's awesome that you made the list and that you are acknowledged in it as a pioneer. What is this? Burr would forever be remembered as, I feel like this is a joke. He's remembered as a comedy

pioneer, all because he was willing to take a risk on a new company interested in releasing his special. Little did he know he'd be establishing his new model for standup comedy specials in the streaming era. Are they talking about me? What are you, what are they talking about? All right. I don't know what this means. Um, okay. I'm not reading all of this. Let me get back here. What the fuck? Burr friend. No, the company we started was, I started with Al Madrigal because we podcasting was taking off and the businessman was coming in and doing what he always does, taking all the fucking rights and all of that shit. And we were like, we don't need to do this. So we started our own

fucking thing. And then that morphed into, um, doing comedy specials, but we did comedy specials with three other comics before I did one. But I appreciate it. They're right there. That's how a German Irish guy takes a compliment. Thank you. All right. Am I a pussy? Parentheses. I'm not. Am I a pussy? I'm not. Just so you know, dear Billy Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail, hippity, hoppity, Asters on its way. I love comfort. I'm not a lazy piece of shit. Is this Verzi? I love amenities. I love taking esteem. I enjoy physical activity and the payoffs of certain discomfort. I enjoy physical activity and the payoffs of certain discomfort. What does that mean? Working out, but I don't like pain and I don't get people who do elective surgery.

The discomfort. Wow. Where the fuck did you go with? I think we're talking about working out. The discomfort involved in going to hospitals, needles, recovery. I think UFC is cool, but really, why sign up to get hit when instead you can just grab a blanket and watch Chinatown for the 80th time? Oh God, I envy people like you. You can just chill. I've played contact sports. Well, you know what? Then you paid your price. Maybe you're smartened up and I'm not really that fragile, but I'm not seeking out physical beatings. I don't like loud rooms of morons. I'm with you. Not because I'm not social, but I just don't like them. I understand this guy or lady. Don't you think people should baby themselves a little more in the right ways? Do I sound like a pussy? Because

I'm not. Go fuck yourself. I love this person. No, a lot, especially as a guy. I did a bit on that a long time ago. Anytime you're doing something that's actually good for you, how you know it's good for you is usually get attacked by your male friends for being a pussy or other homophobic slurs start coming out and all of that shit. So yeah, that's when you know you're doing the right thing. No, it's great. You should get a masseuse. You should meditate. You should take fucking saunas and all of that stuff. You should eat right and get eight hours sleep. All of that shit. That's what you should be fucking doing. It's boring as hell, but God damn it. Are your mornings great? They're fucking amazing. I wake up every morning now at like fucking 730 in the

morning. I went to bed. I left that concert last night at like maybe 1230 or something like that. And I was up by 7. I was fine. If I had been boozing, I wouldn't have made the farmers market. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. I'll make it up to you. Jesus, then just fucking hating yourself. All right, guitar nails. Hey, Billy freckled toes. I'm a 26 year old engineering student from Texas Tech. I like that. What are you guys? What are you guys? The, uh, you guys got a, you guys, you're not the rebels, are you? I'm getting my, my confusing that with somebody else. I know Vegas is the

running rebels. Wait a second. Texas Tech, the Red Raiders. That's a fucking great name. The Red Raiders. I want to say Wes welcome with there. And I'm a big fan of yours. Before I get into it, I just wanted to say thanks for working hard on being the best comic you can be. And I greatly admire your stand up. Well, thank you so much. So I'm writing in today with a sort of musicians dilemma and knowing that you yourself are a musician. Jesus Christ with the flattery. I am a dad who plays drums. Uh, I figured it'd be something interesting to write in about. I've been playing guitar for over 12 years and have spent most of that time focusing on classical guitar, particularly Spanish and Latin music. I really love playing that style of music and it

allows me to feel closer to my ancestral roots, at least musically. Um, yeah, I imagine that strip mall you then drive by to kind of sucks the life out of you. Um, it's also very challenging, but beautiful music. So I find it rewarding and worthy, a worthwhile endeavor learning to play these Spanish sounding pieces. Anyways, the thing about this style of music is that it's very common and expected to play with long shaped and buffed nails on your plucking hand while, of course, keeping your fretted hand nails short. As a guy, I've always felt self conscious about walking around with these long fingernails. As I imagine, and I know I'm projecting here, that they appear feminine looking. Oh yeah. No, this is like, this is some guy's shit.

You have to look at this and be like, is this going to get me an unwanted ass kicking? You know, what is an unwanted ass? Because every unwanted ass kicking is basically an extra ass kicking. Everybody at some point, you're going to get your fucking ass kicked physically, emotionally, somebody, something's going to take you out. You don't need to go out of your fucking way to advertise that you're looking for some extra time. Who wants to do more than 40 hours this week? Oh, that guy over there with the shiny fingernails. Some people get away with pimps can get away with it. Okay. But you got to, you got to wear really flashy clothes to keep the bullies away.

Um, anyway, and they appear feminine looking, or when I shake someone's hand and they see the nails, they wonder why a guy would have nails that long. Yeah. My, in my head, I would immediately think you were a cokehead where the long pinky nail wasn't enough that you just, you just fucking stick your fucking whole grizzly paw in there. Um, it doesn't help too that a few years ago, my natural nails were breaking from lifting at the gym. So I started getting fake nails put on over at a local nail salon. Jesus Christ, dude, you're fucking all over the map. This guy, my head's spinning right now. Uh, they're much stronger and won't break at the gym, but it's always awkward. Uh, walking into the nails long as he is the only guy in getting my nails done.

What are you talking about? That's great. You can meet some women there. Like, they're probably, well, why, why do you only get one nail done? Oh, cause, you know, I'm a cool Latin guy that plays, uh, classical Spanish guitar. You'd like to come over sometime, right? You're gonna, you're already crushed. I already know you're probably crushing it. Now you get, you know, you're lifting. So you're in shape. You're playing guitar. Well, you don't need any fucking help. This guy should be in a movie. Um, I guess my thing is I tend to feel weird that I'm weirding people out, having these long feminine looking nails as a male, especially when interacting with women, women. I figured they'd love it. I guess I just want to,

I just don't want to feel like, um, deter deterring potential partners or dates by having these fingernails on my hands. Dude, did you ever see the pussy that Prince got? Do you ever see the fucking women that were fucking throwing their goddamn fucking panties there at them? It was the most effeminate straight guy ever. Dude, you, you are going down a fucking happy trail of fucking pussy. You just got to own it. The problem you probably is you feel awkward. So it's, it's, you're giving off a lack of confidence. Dude, if I could go back in time, man, I would do that. I get fucking Lee press on nails and learn a little fucking flamenco guitar, flamenco guitar, whatever the fuck it is. Come out there

with my fucking blazing freckled fingers. I pay one of those Irish songs in a fucking Spanish style. Anyways, do you think that's all just me projecting? Is this something I should even worry about? Or is it just a silly concern? Thanks for reading and go fuck yourself. Yeah, dude, I think what you're doing makes you cool and different. But the fact that you're questioning it is driving women away and you're attracting an ass kicking. All right, so I think you got to own it. You got to fucking know who gives a shit, especially now it's all out there and everything. People are afraid to bully people. Maybe they're not, I shouldn't say that, but it seems like they are. Yeah, I would just own it. I play guitar, you know, but I lift at the gym so my nails keep

breaking. So I had to get these stupid Lee press on nails and then they give you shit, you know, and just yeah, you know, I am a big fruit basket, whatever you're gonna say, right? And then you take out the guitar, you fucking crush it, you know, and then you go out and you bang the fucking chick that the guy that was was making was fucking making fun of you. There you go, right there. That's like a movie. You could be living a movie every weekend. All right. You'd be proud and you'd be brave. I think it's really brave of you to have those nails. All right, quitting computers. So that's the thing. I think you just got to own it, have a little confidence and you're fine. All right, if I can get away with walking around with my fucking goddamn

frosty the snowman head, I think you can get away with a couple of fucking Lee press on nails. All right, quitting computers. Dear Billy, no fun. And he's having no fun. I work in a trade and I don't have to sit in a cubicle. So the rest of this email may seem too bitchy. Well, congratulations that you work in a trade and you have a job. I'm I sitting in front of a computer even for 20 minutes at home. Okay, that was a sentence, everybody. I sitting in front of a computer that seems like bad. Like writing for an Asian character like 20 years ago. I sitting in front of a computer even for 20 minutes at home. I don't care about YouTube videos and I don't care about most social media.

Okay, I created a Twitter account so I could see what you and Rogan were up to. But I got rid of my laptop and I don't own a computer except for my phone, which is really basic. That's that's amazing. I can listen to podcasts at work and have email, but I don't use it for fun. I think what you're doing is smart. Everyone told me it'd be hard. But of course, that's them projecting. And I'm projecting and I'm telling you it hasn't been bad. I read a little less about sports than I used to. I subscribed to two newspapers. And when I get the urge to be stimulated, I flipped through that. Thought maybe on this fine day, I could be the one to inspire you love the throwbacks and go fuck yourself. Yeah, if I wasn't in this business, I would do it. You know, but I got to be honest with

you, I'm barely been on my computer for that type of shit because of this instrument rating I'm trying to get. So I'm just hitting the books and writing flashcards. And I got to tell you loving every second. I'm really enjoying it. You know, like I was kind of overwhelmed at first and I was just like, you know what, I'm just gonna fucking, I don't give a fuck how long this takes me, I'm going to get this thing. And I'm actually gonna, I'm not just going to memorize shit. I'm going to understand this shit. And it's been amazing. I actually got a kick out of Andrew's been sending me some pictures of you guys trying to guess what my little flight flight simulator looks like at home. I it's totally basic. I got the yoke. I got the throttle. I don't know shit about planes,

but I had to get the plane controls. And then I got I got the pedals, which I haven't hooked up yet. And then I just watch it on my computer screen. That's all I have. I don't have the chair and all of that shit. I just bought like a fucking a basic desk that I could clamp all the shit onto. I had it downstairs. But uh, I don't know, it just I kind of got to move it out to the garage is basically what it is, you know, it is you're married. No, this is our house. Could you get your fun stuff out of here? But anyway, but it's been worth it. You know, it's worth it's what I'm learning. It's not to fight all the battles, you know, because my wife tonight, I had to fucking hilarious was I was in the kitchen doing the dishes while she was making a steak.

What has happened to me as a man, I don't drink scotch anymore. I used to be the guy that cooked the steaks. Somehow she just took it over. And you know what, I don't give a fuck because I was cleaning up because I just made some lentil burgers that I eat during the week. I don't, I don't know what's happening. They got better in LA too long, but she was, she made that with some broccoli and some mushroom. It was fucking unbelievable. Then she made these little strawberry shortcakes for everybody. You know what I mean? And this is my thing. If the woman I'm with is going to be doing that, I can, I can take my stupid aviation shit out to the fucking garage. That's all it is. Oh my God, was that steak delicious?

All right. 21 year old with skeleton in my closet. Oh Jesus. Yeah. All right. What do we got here? Okay. Um, dear old Billy red taint. I'm a 12. Wait a minute. Well, I forgot to play my theme music. Jesus Christ. How do I forget this? Every single time. That's it. No, any from somebody else. All right. There we go. All right. I'm a 21 year old guy. With the skeleton in my closet and it's making me lose sleep now. When I was 15, a freshman in high school, I was sleeping with this 18 year old senior girl. Good for you. She kept the fact that she was already in a relationship with someone

after we fucked a few times. Okay. She didn't let you know. All right. I was ridden with guilt. Why? She wasn't up front, but she told me I wasn't the first person she did this with. She told me her boyfriend doesn't please me like he should and told me that she sometimes talked to him on the phone while she's naked to another guy in bed. Okay. All right. All right. All right. First of all, people are really young in this goddamn story. What the fuck kind of red shoe diary is this bullshit? First of all, dude, you are totally exonerated of the guilt. You're 21 years old. It happened when you were 15. It gives a fuck. She's not still with the guy. Anyway, she convinced me that what she was doing was okay. Saying that the relationship wasn't

going to last anyways. And my horny fucking teenage brain went along with it. Of course she did for a year before I told her we had to stop. I never spoke to her. I mentioned it to anyone again. Well, there you go. Why am I telling you about my shitty high school drama? Oh no. I looked her up on Facebook. Oh no. The other week. Oh no. For shits and giggles. Wait a minute. For shits and giggles. You were thinking about banging her again and see that she's now married to that guy and has a baby on the way. I don't know if she came clean to him. None of your business, buddy. Or if she's cheating on him. None of your business, buddy. Or if he knows anything about it at all.

None of your business, buddy. When I asked my friends for advice, it's split half and half about whether or not I should contact this guy and tell him. It's none of your business, dude. It's none of your fucking business. There's a baby on the way that was a long fucking time ago. She might have changed. She might have not. It's none of your fucking business. I'm at a loss here, Bill, and would really appreciate any advice you could give. Do I do anything? Is this just in the past? What do you think? It's in the past. You were both fucking kids. I guess officially she was an adult. All right. She's got some fucking issues. I don't know what happened to her as a kid, but it's not your deal. All right. The fact that you actually give a fuck shows that you're a

wonderful, empathetic, caring person who needs to get on with this fucking life. All right. And I'll tell you right now, you are a little weasley. The fact that you looked her up on Facebook and not cause you looked her up. Okay. You said for shits and giggles. It's not why you looked her up. Okay. We all know why you looked her up. Okay. You would think, Hey, you know, maybe I'll go, you know, swing by the old hunt again. All right. Nothing wrong with that either. All right. It's just the way you presented. You presented it like me and everybody else listens to this podcast or a bunch of goddamn fools. We know good and goddamn well why you looked her up and it wasn't for shits or giggles. You understand me private.

Is that a donut in your fucking foot locker? All right. Overrated, underrated, underrated shortcuts, shortcuts make life easier. Everyone uses them. People need to stop kidding themselves with their convictions. Whoa. No, no, no, no. Fuck all of that. That all depends on what you're applying it to. If we're talking about using the ways that man, I don't mind that, but, you know, I don't think taking shortcuts in life is the way to go it because then what you're doing is built on sand and eventually it fucking collapses. I think if you're a sociopath, though, you can live with yourself. People need to stop kidding themselves about with, I think you're feeling a little fucking uneasy about some decisions that you fucking made.

And now you're trying to convince yourself that everybody's wired the way you are. All right. Not saying that I haven't made mistakes in life. All right. Here we go. Underrated, generation X. Dear Billy the cunt, I'm 41 and I've been hearing all my life about the baby boomers. This, the baby boom was that. And now everything in news is about any other generation, almost always millennials. What about us? Because we were slackers. We didn't get blamed for anything. We didn't do anything. You just had a good time. I don't, I don't feel like I don't identify generation I identify hair metal. Okay. Generation X to me was grunge music that took all my bands away. All right. What about us? Jesus, it's bad enough we've been parented and governed by a generation

of materialistic cunts that grew up in the easiest era of American history. No, they didn't. No, they didn't. A lot of them went to fucking Vietnam. But now media, they also dealt with diving under your fucking desk. No, no, no, at no time was it ever easy. People. It wasn't. There was always something to worry about. Everybody gets their shit sandwich. The secret is, is putting a smile on your face when you take a bite. Sorry. All right. But now the media, government, television, social media seems to be geared towards either baby boomers or millennials. Yeah. Cause they're trying to make money off of them. Baby boomers are trying to sell them out. You know, last bit of life insurance they can get and fucking health insurance and millennials,

they just blame them for fucking everything. But they're giving away because they're getting old now. So now they've moved on to that generation. Was it Z? The fuck is behind them? And it's glossed over literally everyone that grew up in the seventies, eighties and nineties. I don't fucking vote, but I'm about, maybe that's why they glossed over us. I'm about to start voting for people from my generation and the next election, next election and watch how we end up resolving a lot of the shit these people couldn't fix. And millennials don't care about yet. I would advise trying to do that in the private sector. And then as far as like, nobody talked about us because there wasn't really any wars going on. And there was no social media for all of us to

whine and bitch and moan and complain. So millennials, they get a bad rap because they were the first ones that actually had their thoughts heard by the masses because of technology. All right, underrated. Hey, Billy Burgundy Bullocks, underrated for the week, reversing into a parking space. Why the fuck do people drive straight into a space only to have to reverse out of it completely blind? I don't know about that one. And then also, I don't know, well, then wouldn't you be backing into it blindly? Don't you have a reverse camera? Can't you look over your shoulder? I hate those fucking reverse cameras. I'm not good at it. I like the mirrors side fucking mirrors. The fucking one that's, you know, inside your car is useless. Now the way everything's designed, you can't even

see out the back fucking windows anymore. But I don't know about that. I think it's underrated because it's a great way to get the fuck out of there. But I do think backing into a parking space at your job, I think if your boss starts clocking that is this guy, just all he wants to do is get money and get the fuck out of here. This guy dealing weed, it might put you in a certain situation. All right, anyways, that's it for the podcast. I got to go put my lovely little angel to bed here. Once again, thank you guys so much for watching this special. It's doing the best anything I've ever put out has ever done. And it's really inspired me to fucking, you know, put this new hour together and get out there and, you know, see where this new hour of fucking

horseshit is going to take me. So once again, thank you guys so much. And thank you to Netflix for you know, hyping it the way you do over the moon. Really, really happy. Look at that old fucking Billy Red Nuts is happy here. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check it on you on Thursday. And don't forget to go see Paul Verzi this weekend at the Gotham Comedy Club. All right, I'll see you.