Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-24-12

Episode Date: September 24, 2012

Bill rambles about the NWO, how to hit someone with a backpack, and how to handle a fuck buddy.

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How are you? How's your little Monday doing? Where are you? You at work? You sitting in your cubicle? You on a treadmill? Did you call in sick? Did you do that? Did you have the right sound in your voice? Yeah, hey, it's Michael. I don't know what happened. You know, last night I wasn't feeling so good. You know, you just fucking hear yourself. What am I doing?

I can't just be like, hey, this is Michael. Listen, that job is fucking sucking the soul out of me, but I don't have any other financial options. So, you know, I'm going to keep working there, but not today. How about that? Alright, go fuck yourself. I'll see you on Tuesday. That'd be great if you could just be that honest and still somehow earn a living. You know, somehow fucking still be asked to come to work the next day. Michael, can you come in here?

We have some concerns about some of the insubordinate comments that you made. What does that word even fucking mean? Does insubordinate mean independent thoughts? Is that what it is? Some of your thoughts that are outside the... You know, the thoughts that we told you to have, that we're not having anymore and that concerns us. You were always a guy who was thinking what we were telling you to think in the past

and suddenly you're not and that concerns us. And that concerns us. So, you know, you just went from the yellow list over to the blue list and the next list is the red list and those people go first. What's that? I'm talking about FEMA camps. Yes, I am. That's something I looked up to read about those fucking lists that they have.

I wasn't fucking reading about them. Did I read about them? I just watched a couple of YouTube videos about it. You know, it's funny about the fucking New World Order. You know what makes me chuckle about it? Is it's completely on paper. It's totally fucking necessary. I have come full circle.

I understand why I'm going to be eliminated. So if anybody in a fucking hood, a cloaked hood or whatever, you know, if you're listening in while you're dripping fucking hot wax on a goddamn Maltese Falcon, whatever the fuck you're doing in your weird ass little ritual, I don't need to be reeducated. I get it. Just get on with the killing. You know, I'll be the only guy going to a death camp by playing a banjo.

You know, with a folk tune called I get it. No, I seriously, you know, I was reading all this shit about, you know, how in the UN they're finally addressing talking about the population problem. And a lot of people are coming up with this shit where they're just like, look, we got to get rid of 90% of the population, you know, and to do it in a way that like, you know, doesn't make every other fucking genocide like, look, what am I trying to say here?

The only way you can fucking do that. What am I trying to fucking say here? Jesus Christ. Okay, so they go, all right, if everybody just has one kid from here or not, we can get the population down to like three and a half billion by 2075. But I, but the problem is, is like most things we just treated it like a term paper. It's too fucking late. So you got other people like, oh, no, we got to fucking, you know,

you got the other people they're acting like, you know, the host of that hoarder show where they're just like, throw it all out. It's all shit. Right. I think that that's what they're going to do. So I guess if you want to survive, what you have to do is you got to up what you're bringing to the game, you know, because if you're like me and you're kind of like the human equivalent to a stack of newspapers with a dead cat underneath it, you know, you're going to be, you're going to be out,

you're going to be out the fucking window. All right. I wonder if they're going to let you choose how you want to die. How would you do it? You know, what do I do? You know what I would like? I would like to fucking be on some sort of bungee cord that goes fucking instead of up and down, it goes side to side and I just swing on it.

They bring me back like a giant slingshot and just get shot to that giant TV at Cowboys Game during like a Monday night football game. You know, no one that I'm going to die, but I set it up like it's going to be this stunt where I'm going to go over it. You know, and I just horrify some kids. It'll be like my last thing as I bounce off that turf right next to Tony Romo. I'm sorry people. I've been alone all fucking week. This is the shit I'm thinking about.

This is the Monday morning podcast everybody. This is the uplifting MMP talking about eliminating 90% of the people, the world's population, as you sit there eating a fucking Eclair. Huh? Who had one already? Who already had a fucking Eclair this week? Huh? Why do we believe in Eclairs?

Who eats a fucking Eclair? You know what I mean? What's that fucking goddamn jizz in the middle of it? I mean, like it wasn't disgusting enough. You got to get like a donut facial. That's got to be like one of the, you know, like the low points when you just have like total, like just self-hatred. I would think as a fat person, if you just bought a dozen Eclairs, when you're polishing off like the eighth or ninth one, if you had a big fuzzy beard and it's all in your mustache,

and you look like you're in some donut bukkake movie, you just got to, you just got to be like, what happened? You know, I used to climb trees. I used to do car wheels. I'm going back to LA tomorrow, man. I had a great week at Caroline's. I want to thank everybody.

I got two more shows. I'm recording this Sunday afternoon before I do my final two shows. As you notice, my voice is a little froggy, you know, from screaming like a jackass all week. The problem is, is I have the sensation opening up for me. And, you know, the way he screams as a feature act, I have to go there as a headliner, and I have to yell even more. You know, we've been having a real good time this week, giving each other shit about each other's acts, the stuff we don't like about it,

and both of our acts got better. You know, our friendship suffered a little bit on a creative level, but I think at the end of the day, it's a nice thing. I know what a lot of you guys are thinking, well, why didn't you just have Joe come over and do the fucking podcast? Ah, because we drank it till five in the morning. That's why. Okay.

And just out of a common courtesy, you know, friend to friend, when you drink with somebody till five in the morning, you don't ask them to drag their ass out of bed and come in onto your podcast for absolutely no fucking money. Do you know what I mean? Although I bet if I put a couple of eclairs down, I bet Joe would show up. You know?

Oh, fucking shoeless Joe. All right. What else? Fucking goddamn jets one. I don't have a TV, so I have no fucking idea. I didn't watch it. It looks like the Dolphins blew that one. So they're two in one.

I figure by the time you hear this, the Patriots will be one and two. I don't know. The Patriots are going to be one of those teams, you know, that those jerk offs on ESPN will be like, you know, I'll tell you if I'm a Patriots that I got to be thinking, which team's going to be showing up tomorrow? I mean, look at the stats. First week, I mean, the score like 48 points,

went up 17. And you're thinking, okay, shut up. You fucking nerd. You know, you know what I want? I want well-spoken people who actually played the game to tell me what I should be thinking. I don't want to listen to somebody who went to fucking journalism school, all right, and was in chess club,

telling me what Tom Brady's got to be thinking. You know what I mean? I'm fucking grumpy. I don't even know what's going on. I went to a fucking football game last week, so I missed the Patriots, blow it against Tampa Bay. I still have that on my DVR. You like that echo in this apartment?

The sparsely furnished apartment I have. You know, it's great about an echo in a room. It just makes you feel like you're addressing a bunch of people. Ask not what your country could do for you. You know, I think I could give one of those political speeches, one of those rah-rah things. Today, America is at a crossroads. If you look back at our history,

this country is bed-de-flyed by the choices that we have made when we have reached the crossroads. It takes strength. It takes courage. It takes conviction. But I believe that my family, they're just sitting there staring at their shoes, waiting for that fucking moment where they know they're supposed to clap, that I feel that we can rise above today's challenges,

and we will, because that's what America has made of, and everybody starts fucking clapping. And then you're sitting there going, all right, that's good, that's good. I got through the first 10% of the speech. Nobody's taken a shot at me, so I haven't pissed off the Looney Byrds or the people who employ me, right?

I haven't pissed off the bankers at the corporations, and I haven't pissed off fucking Eddie Earl, fucking Johnson from East Mississippi, who's coming up here with his handmade fucking Glock. You know what rednecks do? Aren't they just sit around all whittling, whittling all day, you know, with their fucking weapons? You know something?

Guns are like the comic book for like rednecks. You know like nerds are always into like, they have like a comic book collection. Like Anthony Cumia from the wonderful ONA program. Like a comic book nerd except he's into guns. And instead of talking about whether the Hulk could be Captain America, he talks about, oh, the lovely Nia, everybody, hang on.

Hey, Nia. Hey, I'm almost done recording the podcast. Let me call you right back. Bye-bye. See that? That was a little white lie. I'm not almost done. I'm only fucking 10 minutes in.

That's what you got to do. That's what you got to do to keep a relationship going. You don't tell big lies, but a bunch of little ones. I'm going to be there in five minutes. How many times you tell that lie? Hmm? Absolutely. Yes, I was listening to you.

Well, you were talking about how you're, I don't know why you're fucking coming at me, right? We've all done that shit. You know, I did this morning. There's so much of a fucking sports nerd I am. I just wrote down all the fucking teams that I've seen. People seem to be interested in that. Other, well, who's kid, who's kid who other fucking sports nerds?

Um, what the hell is it here? I only need to see four more professional teams, 14 more, and I'm done. I've seen all the fucking baseball teams. I've seen all but five, right? All but four football teams and I'm going to see three of them in the next fucking month or so. So I'll have one more there. Hockey, I got three more to see. Ottawa, the Hurricanes and the Lightning.

Otherwise known as OG and Zuz. Who the fuck wants to go to any of those places? Ottawa. Huh? You're halfway to Toronto. Um, the Hurricanes and the Lightning. Yeah, that's just, that's just not going to happen. And then basketball, I got the dirty south. I don't know when the fucking, I'm going to see half the Grizzlies, the Bobcats, the fucking magic.

I never go down south, right? The Hornets. Got the Spurs and the Suns and then the Raptors. Really, I'm going to go all the way to Toronto to go see a fucking CBA team. These last few are going to be rough. They're going to be rough. And, um, I wonder what's going to happen when I finally complete this goal. I'm going to high five myself for going to all these events by myself, isn't it?

Rather sad when you think about it. Even nerds, when they go to the fucking Comic-Coms, they got someone to go with, right? Drive next to each, sit next to each other as they drive down to the fucking thing. Um, all right, let's do a little advertising, shall we people? So I'm starting to fucking sweat here. Head to open a window. I hope I'm not being too goddamn loud. What are you going to do?

Huh? Yell at me. Hey, fucking keep it down. Yeah, you fucking keep it down. Um, stamps.com everybody. Would you like to bring the post office into your apartment, into your house, into your dwelling? Wouldn't that be great?

Who's getting who? Going to the post office? Sure. You see other people. You know, you listen to that dumb stories about what their kid's doing and you don't care. You don't care about that kid. You probably think that kid's ugly, right? Why do you want to go down and listen to that dumb stories?

Run into that person who's sitting there. You know, you haven't seen him since high school. Why wouldn't it be great if you could just stay in your own place where you live? Just print out your own stamps. What if you got a little scale? Oh, I want to put something in a box and you just weigh it, right? And you put a little stamp on it. You take it out to the post office and you tell that psycho to pick the damn thing up

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Then just hand it over to your mailman, just like I said, and you'll never have to go to the post office again. Okay, that's it. It's great for small business, homes, offices, and people like me that use stamps.com to send out DVDs to my fans, provided there's some available. A whole different story. It saves me time, money, and makes my life easier.

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Snaps.com. Sorry, I just got distracted by the phone. So anyways, back to the goddamn podcast here. Sorry, I actually had to take that fucking phone call. But through the wonder of the pause button. I can't wait to get the fuck out of New York. I gotta tell you something. I can't stay in shape in this fucking city,

especially when you're going out goddamn drinking and then you fucking walk home and you get the slice of pizza or a fucking goddamn bacon egg and cheese. It's amazing that everybody in this city doesn't weigh 9 zillion pounds. I guess it's because you walk around so much. I don't know. I have to give a shout out to the sort of like dictator light that they have here. What's his name?

Bloomberg. That guy who legally you can only have two terms and somehow he got around it and he's in his fucking third term. Basically, he's going to leave. He's going to step down being mayor when he's goddamn ready. This motherfucker, he's taken away. He puts seats in the middle of the street in Times Square. He did it down near Macy's, the old Harold Square.

Right? Harold Square. And then on all these other fucking streets, he just lets people kind of park in the second lane over from the curb. The other lane is like a bike lane. I guess he just doesn't want people driving around anymore. Either that or he's aware that the world population is going to be reduced by 90% and he's getting the jump just going like,

well, we don't need all these fucking lanes. We don't need all this shit, you know? We'll just put some seats. We'll put some sunshares right in the middle of fucking Times Square. Maybe, you know, something, maybe he's trying to warn us, you know? But if he warns us, they're going to kill his entire family. So these are the little hints that he's giving us. These little things.

He used his fucking money to stay in office to give us the hint that the extermination is coming. Right? See, this is why Nia is so good for me. And having a dog when I'm around people and, you know, you just have, you have great thoughts. This is how you become the unabomber. You just fucking hang out with yourself. It only takes a good eight days. Eight days, you slowly go nuts.

You start, you just start thinking about, uh, I don't know what you think about. You think about dying. Thinking about that shit. This is just, this is fucking depressing. You know, it'd be great if I watched some football. I could talk about that. I have absolutely nothing to talk about. I can just riff about the fucking bare walls in my fucking apartment here.

Would you guys be upset with me if I just broke down and started crying here on the podcast? Would you do that? Oh, here's something for you. My agent came by with some of the cities I'm going to be performing in next year. Next year, baby. Would you like to hear them? Would you like a list of some of them? I got, let me see if there's some here that I've, uh, haven't been to in a while.

What do we got here? I don't know. I've been to all of these fucking cities. Oh, I'm finally maybe going to have a Vegas night. That'll be great. Why don't you guys come out and see me in Vegas? Come out there with your boys. Get drunk.

Get a fucking hooker. Right? Couple of call girls. Luck. Be a lady tonight. Put on a condom. That's right. And even afterwards, you jump in the shower and wash your crotch real good.

You should have just had her blow you. Are you fucking nuts? Why'd you go inside? Who fucking knows what's in that fucking couch? See, this is why I have to close the windows. I can't do this. People have kids in this building. I'll say this water, this Poland spring water that was probably bottled nine years ago

and put in a warehouse is absolutely fucking delicious. How do they keep the algae off of it? Do you know my, I have a fucking, I have a water fountain in my front yard. And I know you're thinking, Jesus, your house must be amazing. It isn't. And neither is the water fountain. It's this little douchey. It's like, it's somewhere between like a fucking bird bath and something Jesus would wash his, you know, wash,

maybe you're feeding, right? He wouldn't wash his feet because that would actually be doing something for himself, which he never did. He never did anything for himself. He did it all for you. And thanks a lot for not appreciating them. If you turn your pages, oh, I was going to go to church today. I was actually going to do that. Why don't I go?

Oh, because they can get up to fucking 12. I like doing that every once in a while. Just going, going down there and remembering that I'm going to go to some fiery fucking grave. So anyway, so I got this little stupid glorified bird bath that they're calling a fountain. And I just for life, I can't keep the thing clean. Just algae all over the fucking places, goddamn mosquitoes laying eggs in there. So then I got to go out and go buy all this fucking poison and stick it in the water. You know, and then what happens and some other animal comes by and goes, oh, wow, look at the goddamn water.

I think I'll have a drink. And then I fucking whack this skunk or a raccoon or some other fucking vomit. You know, and technically those things are varmints. I know what's his face. You sent me Sam gave that gave that word a bad name. Well, actually is a rabbit considered a vomit? Maybe it is. I was just told, you know, if you had hair, you were a mammal.

I didn't know what vomit is. Varmint like a racial slur for a mammal. Does that word mean midget in their world? Because I know like a skunk possum. What else is a raccoon? Those are all varmints. Like when you're when you're a redneck or a serial killer, you know, that's that's what you start with. Except rednecks for the most part, they stop at like elk, where if you're a serial killer, you keep going.

But I don't think you work your way up to elk. You know, I think you you you kill like a like an adolescent bear, and then you kill a fat person. And then that's that's that's that's the off ramp you take, right? How many fucking minutes am I in? What am I talking about? Oh, Jesus, 22 fucking minutes in. Can I can I put out an EP this week? Is that good?

You know, it'd be great if somebody asked a fucking question and Nia and then I could do with none of them one of those epilogues and then I'll fucking splice it back on like I'm reattaching a limb. Wouldn't that be phenomenal? You can't believe the shit that I watched this week on YouTube. I watched some shit about some soldiers coming back from Iraq talking about all the horrible stuff they did taking their metals off throwing them and that type of shit. And you know, I don't know, just can't wrap my fucking head around it's too much too much to take in. And that's the thing I needed to watch football. I needed a little bread and circus as the old expression goes, right? Whenever the people are ready to revolt against the king, they sent out some bread and they sent some tumblers down there and some people to tell jokes and everybody got shitfaced.

Their bellies were full of bread and they're like, ah, the kings are right. Well, we'll attack the castle tomorrow, right? Maybe sent down a couple of harlots. Isn't that what they did or did I might remembering like an episode of like Game of Thrones? I want to start watching that show. I watched a couple episodes and that little kid is just so fucking evil, man. You know, he's like a whole not a level like the children of the corn. That kid, that little bastard.

Is there anything more hateable than a kid in power? You know, I wonder if they got whacked more than an adult. An adult, you actually can at least think that maybe they work to get the job. But you know, when you're sitting there taking fucking, you know, some eight year old kid off with his head fucking voice hasn't even changed. I have to learn how to scream properly on stage. Fucking voice gets like this every goddamn weekend. Ah, let's read some more fucking advertising for Christ's sake. At least I can get that in, right?

I'll get that in before this thing slowly peters out. You know, actually, you know, when you think about it, isn't this kind of a nice way to start the week? I feel like, you know, I feel I'm speaking in the same voice like someone speaks in like the end of a yoga class. I hope you guys all have a wonderful week and just remember some of the lessons that you've learned over the last hour. Connecting, letting go, getting in touch with that voice inside you. Sorry, I know this is creepy. All right, E voice, everybody. Would you like to turn your life around?

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Why don't I write it down on this copy? Virtual. You can get a bunch of virtual phone numbers. You can walk up to somebody with the cell phone that has another number to it and say, this is my business number. Okay. And then they think they call in an office because they also have their professional voiceover actors. For your answering machine, they'll pick it up and make it seem like you have some James Bond,

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It really is tremendous. I wish they had that one. I was starting out, but you know, then again, I didn't have an idea for a business. I wish I could utilize that back in the day when I wasn't smart. What do you guys think about the Patriots Ravens tonight? You know, what do you think? What do you think? I'm worried that Tom Brady is going to get hurt tonight.

I got to be honest with you. We got a rookie protecting the fucking blind side. I don't like it. I don't like it. We're good against the run, but all they got to do old Joe Flacco himself. If he finally plays up to his potential. All right. They only got to do is just go into the hurry up offense.

It's all they got to do and they got to go right down the goddamn field. All right. Let's read some fucking. Let's read some questions for this week. We're on this. We're on this side of the half hour and I'm already into the questions. Can you believe that? I know what you're not.

Yeah, I know something that you can absolutely believe is that I can't find where the fuck the questions are in the goddamn podcast. Oh, there they are. All right. Oh, here's a pet peeve of mine in New York that I completely forgot about. When you walk down the street, um, like how fucking angry you can get, you know, when you're walking behind somebody and you're trying to go past them because they're walking too slow and they, they serpentine down the sidewalk.

It's like they're, they're either doing it on purpose or they're fucking equilibrium is off. You just want to punch them in the back. Every time you go left, they start going left. You cut back right. They need you to that fucking evil exhale in their fucking ear and it startles them. You know, if it was the movie, they drop a bag and a great fruit would roll out. So he's a great thing, great visual in movies to let people know that that character was

startled because they dropped a bag of fruit. You know, it's always a rollable fruit. It's never a banana. It would just fall there like a fucking receiver off a goddamn phone. Um, and then also how when you're walking down the street and a lovely lady's coming your way and there's not enough room for both of you, you start to turn, right? You start to turn and she doesn't turn at all. Like she's a goddess.

You know, it's just how far do I got to take this gentlemanly thing? Why don't, how come I have to adjust my body 100% you don't even, they don't even fucking look at you. They just like stare straight ahead. You know what I used to do in New York? I had this passive aggressive fucking move that I would do. I had a, um, you always have like a bag if you're going to be out for a while, you know, you don't have a car.

So you got all your shit in like a fucking backpack. I'd have it slung over one shoulder. And if somebody was not going to get out of my fucking way as, or more than even making an attempt to adjust their body as they were walking by me and I got to do all the fucking moving, right? Like this unhealthy fucking relationship. What I do is right. Is there a bot ready to pass me?

I'd have my bag on my right shoulder there on my left. What I would do is right as they're going by me, I would turn around and look over my right shoulder, turning my back and whacking them with the bag. And then I'd immediately turn around and be like, Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry about that. You know, totally fucking passive aggressive. That's how that's how I handled that shit. Cause I wasn't man enough to just punch him in the face.

Um, all right. Here's one from a lady. Hey Bill, what kind of sunscreen do you use? Um, I unfortunately don't really use sunscreen. When I do use it, uh, I don't go higher than 50. If you try to use, when I use the 100, it's so thick, it like pulls my arm hair off. It feels like glue. You know, sunscreen 100 feels like glue, but I'll use 50 35, but the key is you got to

wear a hat because you can't put sunscreen above your eyes because it drips down and it gets all stingy. You know, I don't put it on my face too much. I got, I got a beard and a hat. I think I'm all right. Um, I don't know. Does that answer your question? We just really saying you're a pasty motherfucker and, uh, I know you use it.

Are you a fellow redhead? Is that what you are? I don't fucking know. Um, a lady roommate. Hey Bill, huge fan of the show wanted to see if you had any advice. For this situation. I found myself in a little over a month ago. I moved to Phoenix and moved in with a friend.

Oh yeah. Did you go up camelback mountain yet? That's a fucking great hike. You got to go up that one. Somebody dies up there every fucking year, which always cracks me up to be like alone in the wilderness while you can actually see buildings in the distance. It's got to be so frustrating. Um, little ugly ass fucking road runners.

All right. All right. A little over a month ago, I moved to Phoenix and moved in with a friend from college. No real problems there, but he did have a female college age roommate that he got along with. So we ended up setting, settling on a three bedroom. All right. So it's two dudes and a chick. This is already like a sitcom.

This is like fucking reverse threes company. Come along at my door. Wait for you. Well, the kisses. Well, fucking America was just like that. You know, nice and simple. I guess it was probably fucked up then. I was just too young to notice sitting there eating a popsicle.

Well, the kisses are. He's got to be. Larry's upstairs. 50 years old. Fucking everything that moves. Um, all right. I only know a few people in town and my work schedule is grueling. It makes it really hard to meet too, too many people over the course of the week.

All right. So you're setting up your excuse for why you're already fucking your friend's friend. All right. You know, I work a lot. I can't get to meet people. Uh, why go out for pussy when it's right next door? I get it, buddy. I get it.

You know, it's discovery channel. Does the lion go after the toughest zebra or the fucking wounded one or the little baby one or the one walking around wearing the fucking juicy shorts. Um, I'm sure by now you've pinpointed the key word in the above paragraph, female. Yes, I have, sir. Yes, I have. So you can see where this is going. My second weekend here, we all go out, get sloppy, jalopy drunk.

And she informs me that she broke up with her boyfriend of five years. Oh, wonderful. So of course I do the gentlemanly thing and fuck her brains out. Oh, you go. So of course, yeah, I do the gentlemanly thing and fuck her brains out or flop around like a dead fish on top of her. Um, it's one of those two. Once I'm done, I leave, I go to my room and we don't mention and we don't mention it.

We don't mention it in the morning and it's not awkward at all. Ah, if I had the alleluia song. Oh, that's fucking great. Would you guys look down at me if I told you that I was just jealous of this person right now? That's fucking perfect. And the hardest thing is going to be for you to not fuck this up for you not to develop feelings.

Okay. You know, that's going to be a hard one, but if you can somehow do it, if you can somehow keep yourself separated, you know, you could just, it would be like, uh, it'd be like stamps.com having the post office in your fucking apartment. Now you got the post office in your apartment and now you have this blowjob machine also there. I mean, it's just tremendous. You know, and then all you got to do is just decide what, what kind of food you're always

going out for and you really like and you buy that appliance, be it a Panini maker or a fucking cappuccino maker. You got that stamps.com and the blowjob machine down the hall and I tell you, that's it. The NFL package, call it a life. Um, so anyways, he goes, we're, we've gone about doing this for a few weeks now, but since I'm never home during the week and she works during the day on weekends, we don't exactly see each other. And when we do, we, we literally never say anything about it or hint at it at all, et

cetera. Dude, please don't fuck this up. Please don't fuck this up. Okay. He says, my question being, as this is the first time something like this has happened, is this a time bomb waiting to happen where all the crazy is going to come flying out like the Ark of the Covenant, or is she just rebounding and I'm the free and clear until I settle in and find something else.

Keep in mind, keep in mind that Jesus Christ, sorry, didn't go to church today, has died for us and has risen from the grave. He did it all for you. There's no way for you to thank him unless you give us a bunch of money. Keep in mind, I've never been accused of being good looking and she's pretty cute with the grade A ass on her. Any advice is appreciated and I guess go fuck yourself. Okay.

All right. You did the right thing. You know, you got a great situation and you don't want to fuck it up. You know, this is like the first time I went deep sea fishing and I got a bite and I looked at the dude next to me. Am I doing it right? What do I do? Oh, let it run a little bit.

Let it run a little bit. Hey, bring it in. Right? You're doing the same thing. All right. So what is your question here? Is this a time? Well, this, this is, okay, this, this the wild card that she's a psycho, but she, she would

have shown her colors by now, I would think if she was a psycho, you know, there would have been some sort of, you know, God, you work so much. I don't get to see you. I just want to see you or she would have been doing that, you know, fucking twisting your arm here or doing something fucking annoying, some sort of annoying sort of touching, right? So she hasn't done that. She's totally putting out the vibe that she's basically in the mindset it's this thing seems like it's exactly what it is.

You know, she was in a relationship for five years, five years, man, she's got a decompress from that. All right. She likes to go out and get hammered and get fucked and go to bed and not see a dumbass for the whole week. All right. Just keep it at that. This is the deal.

You don't ever bring it up either. You don't ever bring it up either. Just keep it the way it is. All right. If she's barely talking to you, you barely talk to her and you just have fun with it. And this is another thing you do. All right. Have fun with this shit.

What are some things that you always wanted to do with the woman and you haven't done yet? This is the girl you do it with. All right. And she's going to probably do it with you too, because she doesn't give a fuck about you, which is a great thing. What you have, sir, is a fuck buddy. Congratulations.

This is your first one. This is what men dream of. This is what men really want for, this is what we want for Christmas. You know, if we could just have a fuck buddy. Somebody who was clean with no diseases, you know, and somehow then had this pill they could give you that you drank, you know, you washed it down and it got rid of any sort of fucking guilt. It would be perfect.

It's just single dude. So there's no guilt. So my, my thing is just don't, don't open your mouth and fuck this thing up. All right. You got a great thing going. Okay. Just keep doing what you're doing. And the only thing I would correct is this whole thing where you say, you know, I'm not

dead. Good looking a guy, you know, work on your self esteem. She's pretty cute. Hey, you know, good for her. She's got a nice ass. Why don't you go fucking do something to it, but not during the week. No fucking during the week. You focus on your job.

You have a great fucking time. I know what, you know, I guess eventually if you do meet somebody and you start bringing them around, there's, there is a potential, but you just got to nip that shit in the butt. I guess if you actually met somebody that you liked Jesus, I just, yeah, I didn't think about that. All right. First things first, before we even get over to her, I mean, this whole new can of worms here.

Dude, you have to be cool first and foremost. All right. Cause eventually, you know, if she meets some other dude, you got to make sure that you're not going to flip out. So do not develop any feelings for this girl. And the only way you're not going to develop any feelings for this girl is if you see her once a fucking week and you're banger, okay. You don't want to know how many brothers and sisters she has, right?

It's like reservoir dogs. You guys shouldn't even know each other's names. Tell me your name. Don't tell me your fucking name. I don't know your name. Yeah. You don't, you don't, you want that. All right.

All right. You fucking missed a pink or whatever. She's Mr. Blonde or Mrs. Blonde. Sorry. Um, that's the only thing you got to worry about. All right. So and I've learned to just be totally fucking upfront and honest. So if I got some new girlfriend, I would just tell her what's up.

So what's your deal? Yeah, I'm single. I'm kind of banging my fucking roommate once a week. You know, we don't, you know, it's just sort of a fuck buddy thing. Oh, does that make you uncomfortable? Well, all right. Well then this relationship isn't going to work because you're already uncomfortable with me.

No, if I got feelings for you, I wouldn't keep banging her, but you know, I'm not taking it off the table after one fucking trip to Applebee's. Jesus Christ, free pussy. That's like free shoes for you, right? You know, I don't know. That's all I can tell you, dude. You can't control her. Who gives a fuck, dude?

Someday you're going to be 50 and you're going to be married and she's going to be bitching at you about something, even if you love her at some point, you're just going to be reminiscent and going, you know, when my life was the greatest was when I had that little fucking goddamn three bedroom apartment, all I had to do was make this amount of money a week. And I had some chick once a week would just fuck my brains out and not talk to me for the other six days. God damn dream.

You got the dream, sir. All right. And I don't know when you're going to wake up, but enjoy it while it lasts. Okay. I hope I answered your question. I really do. You're in a hell of a situation. Enjoy it.

All right. Kudos to you. I am jealous. All right. All right. Never buy the largest bottle of fucking water. Bring it back down. It splashes in your face.

All right. Next one here. You know, I was actually just thinking about that whole new world order thing, the new world order. Say they're going to get the population down to fucking 90%. I know you guys are flipping out. How do you even do that? Do you know, does the whole world just all somehow, the world leaders all finally agree

all right? We're all doing the same thing starting today. We're all going to kill 90% of our citizens. Like how would you even begin? How would you even begin that endeavor? Well, we just knocking door to door. Hey, guess, guess who's not on the right list. Come on.

Pack up your stuff. Oh, who gives a shit? All right. Plowing ahead here. Dad's getting a little too comfortable. Hey, Bill, my brother and I live in our father's house and recently he decided it's okay to walk around the house and nothing but sweatpants when he comes home. He's gotten pretty fat over the last couple of months and it's pretty disgusting to see

as you wrote Giggly, you mean Jiggly, Harry, stomach and tits around while I'm trying to watch TV or work at home. He also tells me what to do even though he's kind of a piece of shit. He's the type that would get mad if you confronted him and start wearing almost nothing at all. Oh, nothing all the time or worse somehow. What should I do? Um, well, I don't know, write a song called dad put your shirt on. I don't fucking know.

First of all, you know what you got to do? You got to get over this whole, this whole fucking fear of confronting your dad. You just got to get over it. Just confront the guy and if he starts walking around in his BVDs, you guys just sit around you and your brother or your sister, you just ridicule them. Just start chanting. Tabah shit. Tabah shit.

Something. I'll tell you, you know, why don't you just say, uh, how could you do it? Maybe just actually he given him a compliment when you're insulting him when he just comes walking in, just be like, hey, nice tits. And then as he goes to fucking respond, you do just sing that song that doesn't exist. You just fucking walk away and don't listen to him. It's got to be the greatest set of hairy tits I've seen, but up up up a dooboo. You know, just start making songs up.

Oh, here he is. Oh, thank God, you know, thank God. I was worrying that I wasn't going to get to see you half naked today. This is awesome. Dad, could you do me a favor? I know you've done so many wonderful things for me. Is there any way you could get fatter? You know, could I buy some Rogaine and just, you know, have you sprinkle it on your fucking

chest so you could be even more sweaty and hairy and fat? Could you do that for me, dad? That's awesome. You know, do you have any consideration for mom whatsoever? She must have been attracted to you at some point, right? Are you so fat you can't even wear a hoodie? Just just do just roast the guy. All right, here we go.

Let's just fucking plow ahead here. All right. Yeah. Why don't you do that? All right, here we go. Here's another one. I'm not joking. So those are your tits.

So your fucking beep a do. Just fill it in. I'm turning old friend into girlfriend. All right. I already read that one. Oh, this is a new one. All right, bill. Love the podcast would really like yours and Nias if possible.

Thoughts on the subject. Oh, you want Nias. She's not here. I might be time for another little fucking MMP. Apple log. I'll see if she's up for it. I'm only in town for a day and a half. I don't know if I have to.

You know what? You guys like the last one so much. All right. Here we go. There's a girl. There's a girl I know where the hipsters go called Cunty, but do to twist, twist. I should really hand out a free DVD for everybody knows that song, but I won't because there's too many Flintstone fans out there.

That was the bedrock song. There's a girl I've been friends with for over a decade now. We met in college and for about a year or two back then, I would have considered her one of my closest friends. You ever start reading and you're just not even listening to what you're saying? You guys mind if I go back? Is this a guy? What are we doing here?

There's a girl I've been friends with for over a decade now. We've been in college and for about a year or two back then. I would have considered her one of my closest friends. During that whole time, she had a boyfriend, so I never thought about making a move and lack the confidence to do so anyway. As time went on, we gradually lost contact until recently when I found her on Facebook. Well, how did you do that? Until recently when you searched her on Facebook because you were thinking about her.

If you just said that, that would have been so much less creepier than to say until recently what I found her on Facebook. Oh, you kind of did say that. Am I even listening to what I'm saying? I'm sorry, sir. I'm an asshole. Anyways, plowing ahead. We spoke for the first time in eight years.

We live in the same city, so I suggested we get together and catch up, which she is enthusiastic about and is going to happen sometime soon. Now for the details. We are both single and 30 years old. She is recently divorced, no kids, clean break to no drama. She is beautiful and honestly one of the nicest people I've ever met. Back when we were close, I was okay looking, but extremely skinny and shy. Since then, I've put on about 25 to 30 pounds of fat and muscle distributed pretty evenly.

I like this guy, he's honest. So I'm looking much better and that has boosted my confidence. My question, she has only known me as the friend zone guy, but does eight years with no count a racist, yes. And do you think I might have a shot with her, yes. And any advice about how to go about and how to act and what to say on the night we catch up would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

P.S., one thing may be an issue here. She doesn't have her piece, does she? After I suggested a catch up, I checked out her Facebook page and it turns out that she changed her status from married to single only a day or two earlier. But in real life, she said she'd been single for a few months. So that was inadvertent, rotten timing on my part. Hopefully I don't come across as tackless, opportunistic douchebag. No, dude, you're fucking overthinking that unless she was sitting there watching her

Facebook page every day like a fucking day trader waiting for her to get through that divorce. Then it would be creepy, but other than that, no dude, you're a good guy, sound like a good guy anyways. All right. So what is your question? Okay. Yeah, dude.

You're a good guy. Okay. You like the, you know, it's like you had a makeover. You got some fucking, you got a little brawn going, you got some confidence. You definitely have a shot with her. She probably was dating assholes back then. And when she's going through that shit, she was probably thinking, you know, at this time around, I'm going to get a nice guy.

You know, I should have got with, he was just the nicest guy and for some reason I just never fucking blah, blah, blah, and we were such good friends. She probably had that conversation. When she got to the part where she said, Hey, we were such good friends. She clasped both of her girlfriends' hands in her hands. You know, there's probably some crumpled up tissues in her lap. As they, you know, she was getting through her divorce. Oh, look at me painting a picture.

I think you're in there. All right. Now don't overthink this shit, okay? Because you're acting like this girl's already the one. You don't fucking know. You haven't seen her in eight years. Just walk in there fucking and have a good time. Throw your dick on the table and ask her how she's been.

What's up, sweetheart? The fucking you've been doing for the last decade, huh? Hey, a couple more drinks over here. Sorry, dick jokes. End of the podcast. Sorry, people. Um, yeah, that's what I would do. Are you funny?

Make a laugh. That always works. Tell us she looks good. Just, oh, look at you. You look great. Give her a nice hug or something. You know, if she goes for the hug, give her a hug. Oh, my God.

That's the big thing. When you walk in, do not fucking shake her hand. Do not shake her hand. Don't go for the hug if you're not a good hugger, but do not shake her hand. Oh, if you're not a hugger, then what the fuck are you going to do? You got to hug her. This is what you do. You fucking act like De Niro and good fellows after the Lythuanza heist or whatever the fuck

it was. Come here, yo. Come here, yo. Ah, Jimmy. You got to have that fucking vibe. Come here, yo. That's what you do. What's the matter with you?

Um, yeah, just have her bring it in. Give her a nice fucking hug. Then you have a couple of drinks. You know what I mean? Let's see what happens. Just don't, don't overthink it. You're going to end up psyching yourself up. That's the only thing.

What the hell else did I want to talk about? Oh, this week, everybody, this week, oh, Billy Redface. He's winding up in New York and then I'm going down to Jacksonville, Florida. Jacksonville, Florida, everybody going to go down there, watch some people wrestle, some gators. Um, I've actually never been there. Only thing I know about Jacksonville is they have the Jaguars, which I'm going to the game on Sunday and then they also have, uh, Florida plays Georgia there every year, the biggest

cocktail party in the universe, they say. Some holds like 60,000 people and like fucking 800,000 people show up just to tailgate. I imagine they make most of their fucking money for the year. Um, sounds pretty awesome. So somebody's already reached out and said they'd take me shooting. I want to go skate shooting. You know, I want to do something like that. I want to do something fucking real.

God damn red. Nicky. I went to fucking the drag strip last week. Why not? You're in Jacksonville. When in Rome? I'll be at the comedy zone. Tickets are going fast.

Everybody believe it or not. Never been there. They're going fast. Maybe they yell at me for making fun of this city. Um, and then the week after that I go to Cincinnati, baby, if you ever wondered, wondered whatever became of me, I'm telling jokes at a fucking mall, a fucking strip mall in Cincinnati. Um, and then what do I go after that? Then I come back to New York and then I go to Australia to play the, uh, the opera house.

You know, when they show, whenever they show pictures of Sydney and they got that little, that little clamshell thing, they got a little club in there, like a 400 seater. And I'm doing, uh, I'm doing three, three nights there, I believe. And then I'm doing, it's some big comedy festival out there. I'm really excited about it. And then I'm going to stay for an extra couple of days and believe it or not, I think I'm going to go snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef. Why wouldn't you, uh, because you don't want to get eaten by a shark.

That's my big thing. I go, I don't want to get eaten by a fucking shark. I don't, a great white shark is what, and the guy, oh no, that water's too hot for great whites. Oh good. So the other thousand species of sharks, those are the only, the only ones I got to worry about hammerheads, tigers, they got barracuda out there. First of all, all I want to do is take the boat out and look at it and like, no, you

got to stick your face in the water and see all the colors. So I'm going to do it. I'm going to roll the dice. You know why? Because people do it every fucking day and they don't die. Every once in a while, somebody dies. So, so why not you, Bill? That's why I always come back to, oh, give us a shit.

What would you rather do? Would you rather be in an underwater, die in an underwater like wonderland, getting ripped to shreds by some monster or die slowly in a FEMA camp, smelling other people's feet. I mean, it's just, it's just no good way to go. Unless you go in your sleep, you know, with headphones on, listening to like parade music. Wouldn't that be nice? Um, all right, what do we got here? Overrated, underrated for this week.

Bill, huge fan. First off, get the fuck back to Melbourne again. What's with this Sydney, Sydney bullshit? Well, I've never performed, I guess I did Melbourne that one time, but that was a comedy central thing. Uh, anyways, I have a couple of underrated for you. First, uh, first underrated, rapping over heavy guitar riffs and rap songs with guitar solos in them.

Why the hell isn't anyone doing this anymore? Well, I was listening to some old run DMC songs like raising hell and tougher than leather and that shit is the tits. Secondly, underrated, Patrice O'Neill. Sadly, I never saw any of his stuff until he passed fucking shattered about that, caught his elephant in the room special and it's fucking epic. Clearly one of the best will be buying his entire catalog ASAP. Well, that's awesome, man.

Um, yeah, he was, he was just getting known by the masses, but he was not underrated with fellow comedians. Believe me, believe me. So yeah, if you buy, um, if you buy Mr. P, all the proceeds goes to, uh, goes to his mom. So that's a cool thing to do. And uh, yeah, man, he's unreal. I still can't talk about that shit.

Um, anyways, plowing ahead. The Monday morning podcast, this is what it's been people 55 minutes, 55 minutes. That's what you get in this week as I sit in my goddamn hot apartment, but you know something you're going to get the epilogue when Nia answers, uh, whatever the hell that question was. I thank all you guys for listening and, uh, and seriously, no bullshit, not joking. I want to thank everybody for coming out to these shows. You know, I had eight shows here in Carolines and they've, they've all been packed.

I went to two cities that I've, you know, Orlando, I never performed in. They were packed all weekend, Charlotte was all packed and I'm hearing that Jacksonville and Cincinnati is, uh, is, is looking like it's going to be the same thing. So, uh, you know, it's fucking unreal. It's unreal. You know what I mean? Those deals where every time you go into the club, you peak, you hit your head in going like, is this the show where it all starts going back the other way?

And you see it's all the way to the back. You're like, thank God fooled them for another day. Um, so I seriously, I want to thank everybody who's come out and, uh, I'm feeling great about my new hour. I'm actually going to be taping something for comedy central. I'm doing that night night of too many stars. I know that is the worst name ever. There's just too many stars was joking with the guy who booked me.

I was like, if they said, if they said night of too many douchebags, I would have been all over, but, uh, I don't know, evidently it's booked by this major guy and it's some guy that I should know and it'd be a good thing if I did it for the career. So you know, I got to do it. I got to jump on another goddamn plane and right now I'm thinking about which bits, what bit for my new hour am I going to burn? I think I'm going to do the Steve Jobs bit. That's the game plan.

I'm going to do that one because I don't think that that has enough legs until my next special. It might, if I can tag it on to something else, I'm going to put it out there at the risk of offending a bunch of fucking nerds who were into technology. I always think no matter how fucking offensive I get, the fact that you can just see through to how fucking uninformed or stupid I am, depending on how you read me, uh, that kind of, you know, take some of the sting out of it, right? Did I already begin the apology for what the fuck I'm going to say? I think I did.

All right. That is a podcast. Do you guys follow me on Twitter? Remember that thing that I said I'd never do? I'd never tweet. I actually, um, Nia sent me a clip of the, uh, the official trailer for the movie standup guys. Do you remember back in, uh, April, I, I, um, didn't do a podcast or on a Monday and

it was really late and I said one day I would tell you, I would give you a great excuse as opposed to all the other weeks when it's late just cause I'm an idiot. Uh, one of those weeks I was shooting, uh, those scenes and that movie stars, uh, Al Pacino, Christopher Walken and Alan Arkin and, um, yeah. So I was laughing when everyone's like, we're the fuck to podcast, you fucking piece of shit. And I so wanted to be like, well, I had to do some scenes with some of the greatest actors of all time.

Sorry, I'm late. You know, granted, I only have a couple of words, but it's big to me. Um, so anyways, the, the official trailer, if you're, if you're, um, if you sign up for me on Twitter, um, you can see it, or you can just go and fucking YouTube. Who's kidding? Oh, I'm just trying to get more Twitter followers. If you're already listening to this shit, do you need to be over there too? You don't, it's redundant.

That's like I have your cell phone number and now I'm asking for your home phone number. You know what? Don't follow me on Twitter. How about that? All right. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves.

Um, I'm really hoping my Patriots are going to win this week. Um, I'm actually watching the Patriots in a different way this year because I don't, I don't think we're good enough. I just don't think anybody in the AFC is good enough to fuck with the NFC. Although the 49ers lost to the Vikings today. So who knows, who knows? Um, but I'm just excited to watch, hopefully the development of, uh, uh, Chandler Jones, I just hope he turns into a first ballot Hall of Fame defensive,

absolute fucking nightmare for the other team that just comes in and just disrupts every pass play, just something that we, we've never had. We've never had close thing. We had to that was Andre tippet, you know, and he was a linebacker. We've had some great linebackers, Bruce, Eve, Raebel and all those guys, Willie McGinnis, you know, but we've never had a Hall of Fame. I don't think we ever had. Nick Bonaconte is the only one we ever had.

And we traded him to Miami because we thought he was too small and he was like, I'll show you too small. There's an undefeated season and two back to back super bowls. Go fuck yourself. Thank you for the Hall of Fame jacket. Um, all right, that's it. I'll talk to you guys next week. Go fuck yourself.