Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-25-17

Episode Date: September 26, 2017

Bill talks with Felipe Esparza about his new HBO special and answers readers emails.

Now at Proximus, the perfect deals with a 1 plus 11 for 0 euro at a mobile subscription. 0 euro? That doesn't make sense. I don't want that either. Amai, do you feel my heart beat? Oh, that's a good ringtone for that new 1 plus 11 for 0 euro. Information and conditions at proximus.be Proximus, think possible. What's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, September 25, 2017, what's going on? How are you?

What's up? I am back from Toronto, Canada, and every once in a while, every once in a long while, I have a guest and I always get good guests and this is no, today is no exception. We have the great Felipe Esparza on here who has a welcome, first of all. Welcome. Thank you for having me. What's up, Foo? There you go. Felipe Esparza from the What's Up, Foo Podcast. And let's get all the hype out of the way at first. You have a new HBO special. Yes, a new HBO special on September 30th at 10. September 30th at 10 on HBO. That's where the HBO specials are called Translate This.

So let's get into it. Tell me about it. Was it like to shoot a hour-long special for HBO? It was good. I shot it myself. I got the money together. I saved up some money. And my wife and I, we chose San Jose Improv and we got Cloud Shires. And it was all DIY, you know. So you did it yourself and then HBO liked it so much? They bought it. Oh, so when you were doing it, you were thinking like, holy shit, I'm doing an HBO special. I was going to go like, I hope I go to Netflix somewhere, even Amazon.

No, but that's, I think that's a great way to do it. Now, how the fuck is nobody giving you a shot? I don't know. You know why. You're not white like me. I got to be honest, before I did this, you know, I always look up like videos and all that type of stuff to make sure I got something to talk about so it doesn't become this, like my biggest fear with these interviews is it's just going to become this horrific staring contest because I'm such a huge fan of what you do and I had never seen the, when Ari Shafir was hosting the show, this isn't happening.

Yeah. When you told that whole story about being in the gang and fighting the guy, biting his ear off and shit, it's just like, I was listening to that story. It was like, this is like at least three different Tarantino movies. And then you ended it in just such a nice place. I don't want to force you to tell the story again, but if you could just recap. I don't mind. Like, start by, where did you grow up?

I grew up in Boyle Heights, California, you know, Los Angeles, but East LA. It's called Boyle Heights. You know, East LA is like further east, east of Los Angeles, you know, it's by almost close to Monterey Park. But Boyle Heights is the neighborhood right after. Wait, but how far away is that, to put it in white perspective, how far away is that from the Staples Center? If I were to walk, it would take me like an hour, an hour and a half. So if you were to drive, probably 50 minutes. 50 minutes.

Okay, cool. A 30 minute bus ride. Okay, 30 minute bus ride. So you grew up, what decade? You're a child of what? Eighties. You're the eighties. I grew up in the eighties.

So that was the real deal. Yeah, I grew up in my neighborhood, was in the housing projects, Pico Gardens. And there was like three separate housing projects. There was Aliso Village, Pico Aliso, and then Pico Gardens from 1st Street to like 6th Street. Okay. And there was like shit, man. There was like a shitload of gangs, like maybe 11. How did you know when you're not in a gang and you're a young kid, how do you negotiate?

Like, I got to get from my house, I got to go pick up my fuck, I got to go do my laundry, I got to go to school. How do you negotiate? Is it, no, are gangs 24-7? Oh yeah, man. They're 24-7? In that neighborhood, they were 24-7. I always thought they came out around five, like anybody with like, just living the regular lifestyle, goes to bed and then they just kind of give up the area there. Those gangs, they come out at five, they're like the gangs that are still living in a gentrified neighborhood.

Oh, okay. They don't come out in the daytime because they might call the cops on them. Oh, okay. But yeah, man, but most gangs, you know, from Echo Park, they come out at night, man, robbing people. Really? Yeah, they come out at night. Those gangs, wherever there's gentrification, those gangs are still around, but they come out at night and they gangbang at different areas, you know, but they're still gangbanging. They don't forget.

So how old were you the first time you got mugged? I got mugged the first time when I was like 18 years old. My friend, Coco. That's pretty good, man. Yeah, I was 18. I got mugged downtown crossing when I was like in eighth grade. I was like, I was selling crack on my first day like that. Within one hour, I got robbed.

Somebody put a knife behind my back, another knife in front of me, and they took all my crack away. Took all your crack away? Yeah. So then what do you have to do? I had to go back to the guy who gave it to me, a friend of mine who I grew up with. You know, he passed away already. They used to call him Coco. Uh-huh.

And we grew up together. Him and I were from second grade to adults. I needed money at the time. I got somebody pregnant and I didn't know how to make money. So I asked him for a job in the criminal business. Can I, you know, amen? I had no money. How does that go down?

You're probably trying to avoid it. It's like, I don't want to sell drugs, but I kind of have to now. I got a kid coming. So help me. So he gave me like a hundred dollars of crack, you know, a hundred. He told me, just bring me back a hundred. They didn't give you more to sell. So as soon as I got out, they didn't know who I was in that neighborhood.

They just came around me and they took all my stuff. They didn't hurt me or anything. I was begging for my, just, can I keep my ID? And they gave my ID. Oh, I did. How scared were you? I was scared. I thought they were going to kill me right there.

I was, I felt like I was young. I was really scared, but I was calm. You know, I was like, just take it, man. Just take it. Leave me alone. You know, just walked out of it. Take it. I don't have any more time or nothing because I know they would have killed me or stabbed

me or worse. So went back to my friend Coco and I told him what happened. And I thought, you know, he was going to be okay, man. You know, it's all right. It's just, it happens. It happens. No man. Man that night escalated like it took, he gave me the crack.

And like, we're on midnight. I got robbed throughout 1.30 at 2.30 in the morning. I'm back at his house. What who robbed your cause. So what happened? He gave me a gun. He gave me a pistol. Christ.

He got himself a pistol and he put a blue handkerchief on his head and he put a black beanie on and we both were looking for those guys. And you must have been praying to God like I don't want to murder somebody the first time. Oh hell yeah. I'll pray please don't find those guys. Wow. Cause right there I was like, I would have probably done anything he would have told

me. I was vulnerable. I was weak. Right. You know, I have no, I don't know what to do. We went together and we saw one guy that saw what happened, but he didn't do anything. And then like, he kind of like hit him real hard and who did it, man? Where are we at?

Then I said, man, it wasn't him. Man, it wasn't him. So it wasn't him. Wait, how did that? So you hold, I remember that guy standing there watching me get robbed. So now this poor bastard gets dragged into it. He gets dragged into it. He got like, he got a gun slap, you know, by my friend.

He's my friend. I even asked him no question. And he just hit him in the face hard, man. And like, he started to believe I'm in the air and I just said, wow, man. He was looking at me like, come on, man, please tell him it wasn't me. So you waited till after the pistol slap. Oh, I meant to tell you this. It wasn't him.

So we got nothing happened to him and we went back and later on those guys who actually did it, walked back and gave it back or everything gave back the crack to that guy and everything was cool. Because what he is. They're sorry we didn't know that they were afraid of that guy. Yeah, sorry. We didn't know Batman was with you. Yeah, that was just street nick then.

Yeah. So then after that, then they knew that you were with him. So then people stopped fucking with you. People thought messing with me. Yeah. Jesus Christ. This is what kills me about you is you have like a thousand of those stories and you're the most relaxed, laid back guy ever.

Like where did it all go? Because dude, I look at me, I sound like I lived your life and you sound like you lived my life. Like you sound like you grew up in a nice little cul-de-sac area and played street hockey and I'm all fucking wound up. How did you do that? Well, I have a mom, I have parents, I have my mom and dad and most of my crazy friends in the projects, you know, the crazier ones, they didn't have a mom and dad.

They had nobody telling him you better come home early or there was nobody telling those kids to come home and the lights go on in the streets. So they had nobody telling them what to do, how to live right, no discipline. I have my mom and dad, my dad worked and my mom worked at an elementary school at the nurse. They would like be home from selling crack when the street lights came on, right? Yeah. Yeah, you had that family foundation.

But I've always... Wait, I don't get that, now you're talking you had a home life but you're telling you're doing all this other shit. But that was when I was a kid, you know, when I was like 13, 12, 14 years old, I was like crazy. Oh, I see what you're saying. Got crazy after high school. Oh, okay.

After I got someone pregnant, just didn't know what to do. I was always like a little hustler, man. My mom would sell Avon and I would collect the money for her. You know, so I learned how to collect money for people at least, for my mom was always selling herbal life, Avon, she was always selling something. Can we live by the warehouses in downtown LA where the factories are at, where other trucks will come in and pick up stuff from the trains and take them to like stores. So my mom knew we were like, we used to go to this one factory and we used to put a bunch

of that synthetic cotton, the plastic one, they would throw it away. My mom and I would put it in bags, like hefty bags and then we would go to another place where they would throw these raggedy old sheets and then my mom would sew those raggedy old sheets with the cotton and then we would go door to door in the housing projects selling pillows. So you guys were a real green family, man. You were there, you were there recycling. That's wonderful.

Everything we saw, we found a trash and we sold it like, we sold pillows. I used to, when I was like 14, I used to walk to downtown LA. What would you do with pallets? Would you build a little house and then sell that? No, man, that's too much work. I want, we want fast money. Oh, okay. Cash.

There was a bunch of factories where I live. I felt like, I felt like Henry Hill from Goodfellas because they were always stealing stuff from the airport and we were always taking stuff from these factories. I was stealing from these factories. My friends were, I was taking stuff from the trash. Like there was a watermelon factory and they would throw away rotten watermelons and I would get the watermelons and cut them in half. What is a watermelon?

They make watermelon. They'd throw them. Don't you grew them? No, they would get them from the farmer, I guess. Right. They would throw them there. They have pallets full of watermelon from, because there's like a grocery area of downtown LA where every grocer gets all this stuff, flowers, stereos, you know, you name it, piñatas.

I know where everything is at, suits, cheap suits. I know where everything's at. So we'll get the water. So you would hang out and just go to the dumpsters and whenever they threw out, you would then go sell. Yeah. Go sell it in half and then go sell it to the Mexicans, day laborers, everybody working in the factories, much of immigrants.

And I would sell the half of watermelon for a dollar, two dollars, five. I would just cut the rotten piece off, you know what I mean? Or once in a while, nobody's looking. I would send my little home girl, this girl, this little lesbian, well she's a lesbian now, but we didn't know she was a lesbian now, she was like a tomboy. I would send her in there with my brother and they were like, whenever nobody was looking they would throw good watermelon in the trash can too. So we had a mixture of good and bad watermelon.

How long did you stay in that whole world of selling crack and all of that and all those fights and biting the guy's ear off and all that shit before you became a comedian? Like how long, how long was that period of your life? That was my period of from 18 years old to like 21 and a half. 21 and a half. Because at 21 is when I was like messing up already, man. I was like, I was smoking a lot of PCP. I was like my drug of choice for the time being.

And I used to get all crazy. What is PCP? PCP is like, I think it's elephant tranquilizer. That's what the people tell me. I saw he's here that grown a PCP, Angel Dust and all that. Yeah, Angel Dust is like crystallized PCP, you can put it in a cigarette. But PCP, in my neighborhood, we were at the PCP capital of Los Angeles, like in my neighborhood they sold gallons of it.

They would have sparkless water full of PCP. So everybody had PCP. Wait a minute. How did you ingest it? You smoked it? No, you did like, I'm giving away secrets here. No, I don't want to be introvert. I'm asking because everybody tries to act like they understand all this shit.

I'm a booze. Menthal. I don't know any of that stuff. You will get a new port cigarette, preferably a menthal cigarette, a new port and then you dip it instead like a little jar, like just a tip and that's a $5 tip, that's a $5 dip. You dip it again, that's $10. You dip a whole one, it's $20. You soak it, it's $30.

It's by dip. No, I get it. That's like when I drink booze. There's like the 10-year-old shit, the 12-year-old, all the way up to 25. Then you get into the cognacs and they can be like, I don't know, wines and shit could be like a century-year-old or something. So this one night, I'm smoking PCP. Because I'm stupid as hell when it comes to it.

So what is it, what's that high like? Oh man, it's like you're the Incredible Hulk if somebody attacks you. Oh, this is the shit when like five cops show up and they gotta get five more. Did you see that Charles Bronson movie? That's where it's three. Yes. When one white boy, like a surfer, he's fighting other police officers, he's on PCP. Oh, okay, I gotta re-watch that.

Yeah, man, PCP, you think you have like Incredible Hulk strength, but you just have like more You don't feel pain, but while people are hitting you, man, you could just keep attacking forever. You know what I mean? Right. And then the next morning you wake up and you feel like you played 12 years in the NFL. Yeah, man. All right.

So the first time you smoke PCP and that shit hits you, it's like literally like you're turning into like a superhero. Yeah, man. But at one time, what did you do? Did you try to bend something? No. That's what I would have done. I farted cops.

No. That's what I would have done. I would have tried to pull something off the fucking wall. I bit a guy the other hour now. Well, when I was like walking around, people, I would be coming to be known as Batman, you know, he's crazy. We'll chat for him. Why did they call you Batman?

Because I love Batman and I used to wear my, my, those superhero under-roos. Uh-huh. At 18? Yeah, man. Well, the Batman shirt still fit, so I wore it and I don't know where to get a Batman shirt anywhere else. Was the under-roos factory right down the street? Yeah.

You took it out of the dumpster. To the Bat Projects. Yeah. That's amazing. All right. So you're doing all that. I'm watching, I'm at the driving theater with my friends, smoking PCP, watching Terminator 2.

Asking, saying I'd fight that guy. Yeah, man. And I was thinking about that guy that had been bullying me for the last two weeks. So I go, I go. No, wait, if you smoke that, say, say a guy of yours, I shouldn't do this because I'm like doing a commercial here for the drug. Say there's somebody bullying you and you can't beat that guy, right? If you were to smoke some PCP, it definitely would give you the belief, but can it overcome

how slow you are and your inability to slip a punch and all? You just walk through his shit. Yeah, man. You just throw him punches because when I, when I got into a fight with this guy, they told me I was doing things that I remember doing. They told me that I took my belt off and I was whipping him all over the neighborhood. We keep alluding to the story. You got to tell the story.

Right? So you're Batman. You got on your underroofs. You smoke PCP at the drive-in. You saw the Terminator 2. When I left the Terminator 2 movie, I come back in a project and I see this guy that he's like an old dude, man, he's like 30 years old. He just came out of prison.

He don't know who I am. He's like calling me bad names and pushing me and pushing me and then I want to fight him, pushing me. Then finally I socked him in the face, but I kind of missed. Then he hit me right in the eye and he hit me hard and my eye got black right away. He punched me in the face. I started bleeding. Then he started choking me.

So when he started choking me, that's when I like, I went crazy. I went crazy, man. I lifted him up, dropped him, I bit his ear off first of all, I bit his ear off. You turned into the Hulk. I bit his ear off, man. I would like to Hulk, Hulk. Let me tell your brother. Let me ask you this.

When you bit his ear off, were you underneath or were you on top of him? I was like underneath him. He was choking me. And you just all of a sudden that PCP kicked in? I bit it off, man. I never thought, man, skin is so easy to bite off. And I spit. Did that thing crush you out or something?

No, not even, man. I spit it out and I started punching him and then my friends told me that, um... Wait, what did he do? Oh, man, he took the hits like a soldier. So when you bit his ear off, this guy still swanked out. He's screaming like a little girl. Okay. He didn't pain.

So... Actually, he's kind of screaming like a guy who got his ear bit off. Yeah, he's screaming, man. I think at that point, I think you're still a man if you go up a few octaves when you're missing a fucking ear. But I don't know why I bit his ear off. I mean, I guess I had no choice, you know? He was choking me.

Sounded like that was the move. No one was helping me. He wasn't, didn't seem like he was going to be stopping. All right, so you beat it. Then you took your belt off and you were... My friends told me that I took my belt off and I started whipping him. He was chasing them with a belt, whipping them like he was like a runaway property or something.

And how many people are witnessing this? I think like 12, 15 people. But they're all cheering me on, cheering him on. Nobody's helping. Do you know how many hits that would get nowadays if they were... Dude. That would be like... It would be epic PCP guy.

Epic belt guy. There'd be something like that. I would have been a rap song, auto-tune, Batman, whatever, whatever. So wait a minute. So you don't remember doing that. So there was like, oh fuck, this guy's going to kill me. Then you start to bite his ear off. You're like, wow, ears come off really easily.

Then you sort of black out and then when you just sort of came to with like blood all over you going like... Did I have to see a hot dog or something? Yeah, the next day I wake, the next day I'm walking around. It's like seven in the morning, eight in the morning. I don't know, man. I'm looking at my body. It's full of blood, my pants, my face, you know, I have a black eye, my shirt, it's full

of blood. I have no idea what happened. I have no idea what happened. You probably thought it was your blood. Wow. I didn't know that. Wow, man. I was like checking, I got shot or stabbed by somebody I didn't know.

Then my friends told me what happened and the guy was in the hot... He went to the hospital for like a broken ribs, missing ear, you know. Everybody's just putting neosporin on that. And they went to... He was laying in bed and they asked him if he wanted to press charges, you know, because everybody knows, there was witnesses, everybody knew who did it and he said, no, we're going to handle the right way. And I was like, I didn't even know this until later on, like a week later, and we go, yeah,

man, I think there's like a green light on you right now. And he was like, green light? What do you mean green light? Man, shoot to kill if they see you. What the fuck? So that's the first time you ever heard that. So now what do you do besides not go outside? Do they know where you live?

They know where I live, but I don't know what... He's still in a hospital though, but everything's calm, you know, but he's still in a hospital, but I can feel tension from people who I thought were my friend at one time, who I grew up with, you know, you know, they were turning on me, like, because I was never in their gang. I was in another gang. When you watch the wire, do you like fall asleep? Is it like boring to you? I didn't watch the wire.

You don't need to. You lived it. It's what I'm saying. Like it sounds like an award-winning series to me. I'm more like bloody and blood out. So wait a minute. So now, now there's a green light on you. Yeah.

Okay. At some point you got to go outside to get food because you're hungry. Yeah. So when you have a green light on you in East LA, what's a good time to go out? If you got to go hit the Mayfair market or whatever, what's a good time to head out? The best thing to do right when you have a green light from anybody, you know, whether it comes from prison or if it comes from just the neighborhood, it's just relieved, man. Move somewhere safe, like Modesto.

What's a more serious green light? If it came from prison or from the neighborhood? Oh, man. If it comes from prison, you're a dead man, man. I mean, there's nowhere to go. There's nowhere to go, man. And I read about these things, you know, on television, on books. There's nowhere coming back from that.

But they were like only like a green light from his neighborhood, you know, like... Can you just go to the mall? No, man. Just go to like the Grove, pick a really white mall and just... You know what? All those thoughts came to my mind at that time, like, man, I wish I was like the French Friends of Ballet Air, which had a rich white guy to take. A rich white guy or a rich fucking Mexican guy.

Oh, no, wait. They weren't wet on that show. That was different strokes. That was different strokes, but they're drumming. They switched it up. They're like, it's different strokes, except the parents of black. That's what they always do at shit. So my mom called out Father Greg Boyle.

He's like this priest that I grew up with in the neighborhood. He's from the homeboy industries here in LA. That's a thing? Yeah, he helps gang members. That's a cool name. Father Greg Boyle, he's like a priest from my neighborhood and he's always helped the neighborhood. He would go out his way to help people.

He would, like, if he's driving and then you, like, he will pick up kids that were drunk off the streets and take them home. He did that a couple of times for me. In a good way. In a good way. Yeah, like, if you're a gang member in the wrong neighborhood and you know you're pretty much someone's going to kill you in that neighborhood, Father Greg Boyle will tell you, get in a van. I'll take you back home.

As a gang member, how do you end up in the wrong neighborhood other than a woman? Oh, man, on PCP, there's no heroin in your neighborhood, so now you gotta go buy heroin somewhere else. You know, there's no crack in the neighborhood. It's a dry spell somewhere and you gotta get high, so you gotta go to another neighborhood and buy it. Oh, gosh. Or you have an aunt.

So how do they know you're in a different gang? You don't go over there wearing your whole, your colors, right? Oh, man, most of the hardcore gang members, they wear their colors, man. They're not going to start wearing their colors. Oh, boy. They're not on the cover. They're 24-7. But I wasn't even one of those guys.

I was nothing like that. I was just the guy who was just hanging around with these kids. The one day I get jumped into a gang and I'm getting into so much trouble, but I have no idea. How long is it to get beaten into a gang? Just in case I ever fucked my life up and I go to prison. You know, when I go to prison, my only hope is I got to join the Aryan Nazi guys. I get to listen to them bullshit and pretend I believe it, just to save myself.

How long is that beat down? Well, in the streets, it will be like, I guess, whatever number the gang is, so if it's 18th Street, you're going to get beat up for 18 seconds. That's it? Yeah. But, I mean, how many guys? All of them. Oh, Jesus.

Okay. How can I strike the, that's it, from the record there? Because when I got jumped in, I was just hanging out, man, like, I was just hanging out and then somebody said, hey, man, you want to get jumped in? And I was going to say no. If I say no, I'm a punk. I'm going to get jumped in. I'm going to get jumped for being a punk.

So I said, fuck it. Let's do it. And then I punched the guy next to me for no reason. Well, because I want to prove that I'm tough. So the guy next to me, I just knocked him out with one punch, man. And then I hit, like, he wasn't even looking. I said, let's do this. And then, like, I hit him, man.

You know, you got to be ready, big dog. You got to look out, homie. That's that Warren Sapp moment. Keep your head on the swivel. I bet he gave the other guy shit later, like, hey, next time you're going to jump somebody in. Can you not say what I'm sitting right next to him? You knew he was a lefty.

What the fuck? So you get beat up and I got jumped by everybody, like, so you get one in and did you get more than one in? I got two in one, him and another guy, but then after that, I felt like Nike Cortex all over my face. So you're just laying on the ground and you're just going, one, Mississippi, two, but just waiting for this rain of footlocker to stop coming down on you? Yeah, man.

I was like, I thought I was never going to stop, man. So what do you do? I would just go. Oh, they finally stopped. All right, hit enough, hit enough. Then everybody hugged me. The other were beating my brains up, were hugging me and kissing me. I love you.

You're my boy. You're my family now. And they're like, wow. So then you come home, okay? And then you're just sitting there, all right, with fucking sneaker marks all over you and you're going like, okay, now I guess I'm in a gang. Jesus Christ. Okay.

So then what happens? Um, I thought what happened was I thought I hanging around with white people talk about white privilege going, dude, what the fuck is that? This is what it is. Totally. Yeah. You can sit there selling lemonade at the end of your driveway and not worry about accidentally. Did I just join a gang?

There was a green light on you. You were selling lemonade at the end of the wrong driveway. You're in the wrong neighborhood. Okay. There was, um, but you know, like there was two white boys in my neighborhood that were gangs was one, the redheaded kid from Children of the Corn. Exactly he was. Well, the one guy, he was a blood actually Malachi.

He was from East LA snowman. They call them. Okay. There was, there was actually two white boys. I find that offensive by the way, but continue. There was two white boys in the hood, man, and they were both gang bangers. And one thing about white boy cholos, like when you see a white boy join a gang, when you see a white guy, like someone like you and you're hanging around with nothing but

Mexicans, they're white, white guys are the most craziest gangsters when they're in a Mexican gang. They do stuff that a Mexican man will never think of. Like, I remember the one white guy, snowman, he was a blood. He said, man, let's go do a home invasion. And I, and everybody was asking him where he goes, my mom house. Oh, he wanted a home game. All right.

That's not right. Now he wanted, he wanted all the other homies to rob his house because he wanted his mom and dad to get robbed. Why? Because I don't know. They're probably saying, stop hanging out with all those Mexicans. I can't show you. And I was like, damn.

So they probably behaved that way because they felt, no matter what, they had to constantly prove. Constantly, man. Because technically they could just get a haircut or whatever, put away the flannel and just slip. Slip away, man. Slip away down at the grove. Slip away, become a social worker.

And that'll be it. So how long were you in this gang for? And did you ever get beaten out? No, I was in this gang when Father Greg Boil, when I bit that guy's ear off, I went to rehab. My Father Greg Boil took me to rehab and I disappeared for, I'm still gone. I never went back. Oh, you never went back? Yeah.

When you get beaten out of a gang, how long is that beat, though? As long as they want to. I had a guy in the podcast named Fabian who was in a gang and he talked about, he had beat out, he got jumped out and he said that when he got jumped, it just laughed longer. But his uncle is doing the gang. It's kind of a simple expression. His uncle is doing the gang so his uncle oversaw him getting jumped out so he didn't get hurt that bad.

I don't have an uncle. I probably would have got killed if I would have got jumped out when I was 20. Now the white version of that is our dad's the judge so we don't go to jail over whatever the fuck we just did. Your version is, you got an uncle that oversees being jumped out. I gotta tell you, dude, I'm learning all kinds of stuff. I don't know, in case somebody's just walking by somebody's recorder, it always feels weird to have to like re-hype something.

So you're special on HBO. You shot yourself learning all of your do-it-yourself stuff from fucking going around in those warehouses, making pillows out of nothing. You ended up shooting this at the improv in San Jose, which is one of my favorite, isn't it? Great club. You feel like you're doing a theater even though it's a club, it's tremendous. And you shot it there.

It's going to be on HBO September 30th at 10 o'clock called Translate This. Now I know you're a great joke writer, but I saw in Ari Shafir's, you told the amazing story that you touched on today. Is your stand-up style in this more joke telling, more storytelling or both? You know what? My comedy special, it's more about how I got to this country with my parents and being a single father and being a cheater. But yeah, man, I cheat a lot.

I get caught cheating all the time. I'm bad. I can't help it. I love women. I tell them about getting caught cheating because I was caught cheating. You know, Bert, both girls showed up to my house. Oh God. You know what I mean?

And they had, man, it was crazy. And they asked me, what are you going to say for yourself, checkmate? How long was that beat down? Was that longer than 18 seconds? It was crazy. They showed up in the same car. Oh, they talked to each other. Yeah, man.

Well, now they film it and shit, and then you go in there and then you got to do like an apology and all that shit. The first 48. Yeah. Wow. Okay. So you got to do it. I can't wait to see this.

But I'm special. I can't. I really honestly do. All right. As a stand-up comedian, I cannot wait to see this thing. You're one of the most interesting dudes. How are you so fucking happy go lucky? I don't get it.

I don't know. Imagine love life. You know, I'm never going to go back to that type of lifestyle that I had in my 20s. And I just love living life, man. I'm not going to say that I'm perfect because I did fall off the wall. I was, well, after when I rehab, I was sober for 11 years. Like I didn't touch no drugs, I didn't touch no alcohol, no beer, nothing. But along the way, you know, the more at this stand-up comedy, the more, you know, I did

it. I'm not going nowhere. I went back to smoking crack. You went right back to crack. Mm-hmm. So you never really were a booze guy, huh? No. It's probably, I don't booze the most studies they do.

It's like the worst fucking thing. I mean, Ralphie May retweeted my tweet the other night and I don't understand what he meant at first because I was in Houston and he retweeted, um, what's up with those spoons, bro? And I'm like, what the hell is Ralphie May talking about them spoons? Then I said, oh, shit, Bert, I got so coked out in Houston, Texas. I, I, they're known for that. Yeah.

I couldn't do no more coke because my nose were bleeding. So I wanted to rock it up and smoke it in crack instead, you know, cause I want to. Oh, so you're just like, I'm just going to snort a couple of lines. Yeah. What did you, did you anticipate like, you like fuck this when I go to Houston, I'm going to party or was, was it just a spontaneous thing? And all of a sudden you just said, fuck it. Oh man.

I just, I was over there. I was working the laptop in Houston. Shout out to Pete. Oh, it's booking me Pete and I'm from the last stop. Um, I got, I got, I started partying, man. I, I, I started partying and I couldn't find no powder, no coke. So I hope you don't mind me telling this, but I call it Joe Diaz. I say, Hey, Joe Diaz, you know anybody over here?

You calling me a six in the morning, cocksucker? What the fuck is wrong with you calling me a six in the morning? You fucking cocksucker? That's a great Joey. I know somebody. So I knew, he knew somebody another, he, he, um, he goes, talk to this comedian. So I spoke to this comedian and then, um, this little masculine fool showed up all week, taking care of me.

I gave him free tickets every day. Thank you. And, um, I, I don't know what happened, man, but I, I, I just, I, I just, I, I, I I don't know what happened, man, but I, I did too much coke and I felt like I can't do no more coke through my nose. You know, something to go bad. I want a small crack now. You know what I mean?

I don't want steak. I want burgers now. Dude, a reoccurring story with you is, I don't know what happened. Last time you didn't know what happened, you were whipping somebody with the belt. Now you don't know what happened. There's like a fucking hole in your nose. Jesus. Well, how long ago was this?

This was in them 2006. All right. So you, okay. 2007, 2006. So you broke your record. You've gone, you've gone. Oh no, it's 11. It's 11 years ago.

Yeah. I called up, um, room service. Cause I wanted a small crack and I can't believe I called up room service and I said room service. I'm going to need a big spoon and a baking soda brought over right now. And they did not bring that to the room. Oh, they brought it, man. They did.

Two guys brought it. The guy from the front there, he knew me cause I made friends with him already from previous times. And he brought it. And it was like a big spoon and he brought an almond hammer baking soda. And the guy with him, he just was with him to laugh at me. I guess. He goes, yeah, I guess you couldn't believe it.

You know, this guy just ordered baking soda and spoon. No way. Let's go see. So they both opened the door. I, they, they give it to me and they both laugh. But yeah. Man, I wanted to smoke crack. Okay.

So and then, and then how long were you off the wagon for? From when? Okay. So you're sober for 11 years. You go to Houston. You order a spoon and some baking soda. Now you snort coke. Now you're smoking.

I got you party that weekend. Did you just come back and go with the fuck was that? And were you able to, or did you have to go rehab? No, man, I continue party, man, from that moment on. And the girl I was with, man, she ended up being a hermaphrodite. But that was another story for another time, you know, but yeah. She was a hermaphrodite. She was born with a penis and a vagina.

Right. So like, how long was she your girlfriend before you figured that out? Well, we were party for three nights straight. You must be a gentleman. Yes. That's what I was. I was a gentleman. I didn't want to touch her or nothing because she brought free coke, man.

I can be that guy. So I just kissed her a couple of times, but then by the third night, you know, we were up for three nights straight, her and I. But when I finally found out, I was like, whoa, man. Yeah. That's a big skin tag. You got there. So was that enough?

So was that enough to get your sober again? No, man. I didn't get sober again till 2009. You blew through that stop sign. All right. So now we're still going. I didn't get sober. I didn't get sober.

I didn't get sober. I didn't get sober. I didn't get sober. All right. So now we're still going. I didn't get sober till 2009. Oh, fuck. I was off and on.

And you were already doing. So during those periods, you were still doing stand up and you were. Yeah, I was doing stand up. I was even, I even got to go to Montreal comedy festival in 2005. And I was bad. I did the young comedian show and I did well. I guess I did well. I got a little, a little print on the Hollywood reporter.

I got an agent, UTA actually. They didn't have any idea you were high. No, man. I was on, I was smoking crack in Montreal too. I hooked it up. I mean, I found crack in Montreal. It's funny. I saw a Mexican guy in Montreal and I knew he spoke Spanish and I told him in.

How could you tell? I just could tell, man. He had the boots. You know, he had that look like I need a job, you know. I don't even know what that means. It's hilarious. He got the boots. You know, he had that look like I just got here cross country.

So he spoke Spanish. He spoke Spanish, no English, but he, he knows how to speak French now, but with a Mexican, you know, Mexican accent. He's doing all the romantic languages. So he was there. And he came back. Romance languages. Yeah, man.

Crack. Well, all right. Dude, you are, I could talk to you for like fucking 10 hours and you just don't run out. It's amazing, man. I don't know. Thank God you're still here. I'm sober now, man. I know, but all the stuff you've done, you know, like realistically, you probably could

have died in 80% of the stories you just told. Man, I'm glad I'm alive. Yeah. I am too, man, because I think you're a fucking amazing comedian and person. I'm psyched that you're on all the all things comedy podcast network with the What's Up Fool podcast. Um, I wish you nothing but the best with your, uh, your, your standup special HBO Saturday, September 30th.

Set your DVRs, whatever the kids do now, your cord cutters, whatever you do to fucking see this thing. And, uh, more success to you and, uh, stay out of Houston. I will. What's up, fool? All right. Thanks, Felipe. Thanks, Bill Burr.

Billy Burr. All right. That was Felipe Esparza, man. That fucking guy is amazing. Please check out his special. I just said all that. Shit. I got to do my reads here and then I'm going to talk a little NFL football, maybe answer

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that Stamps.com enter bird one more time, Hey, Stamps.com never go to the post office again. All right. That's it. Okay. Stomach is growling here. I'm still on my fucking diet. Oh, Billy diet.

Some fucking asshole sent me a tweet going like you're obsessed with your fucking weight. You look fine. Get help. It's like, dude, that's why I look fine. You fucking moron. You don't give a shit. Your potato skins eating fat fuck. These guys with your thick fucking torsos.

You know what I mean? Making that noise when you reach back to get the seatbelt trying to pull it around you running out of material. I don't want to be that guy. You know what I mean? That guy who gets killed by his airbag because his fat face is too close to the miniature explosion. Anyways, all things comedy festival, by the way, podcast festival, October 26, 27, 28,

29 in Phoenix. Ticket links at billbird.com. By the way, I am going to do my first ever live Monday morning podcast there at the stand up live comedy club. I'm going to do it live. I'll do it live and I'm going to do it just how I do it. My fucking house. All right.

I thought about getting a guest and I was like, fuck that. That's not the jam of what it is that I do. So I'm just going to do it. I don't know what I'll lay down on the stage. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do, but I'm going to do it the exact way I do. So if you ever wanted to see this shit live, this absolute train wreck, if you wanted to see what it looked like in real time, come on down to the stand up live comedy club. In Phoenix, Arizona, October 28th, I will be there.

I don't know when tickets go on sale. I guess they're on sales now. They're on ticket links at billbird.com. There you go. All right. Anyways, let's talk some NFL football. Did you guys enjoy it? Did your team win?

My team won. The New England Patriots who everybody said was going to go undefeated and then we lost to the Kansas City Chiefs and then everybody said, oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I think Tom Brady is old now. I think he's washed up. I think the Kansas City Chiefs are going to win their first Super Bowl since 1970. That's what everybody said, because the Kansas City Chiefs beat the New England Patriots

in September. Now all of a sudden they can see January. How fucking crazy is that? How many fucking times? How many times are you going to watch the Giants go 0 and 2 and 0 and 3 and just start writing them off? You saw the points they scored. I think they're not going to come back and beat Philly.

They're not going to come back and beat Dallas later on this fucking year when they all get on the same page. They were protecting Eli much better according to the 30 seconds of highlights that I saw. I'm sticking by my prediction. New England Patriots, New York Giants, Super Bowl rematch. All right. Until the Kansas City Chiefs, who I actually like, until Andy Reed, who I'm not saying he's fat, until those fuckers do something in January, all right?

I think all of you need to sit down a little bit and fucking relax with all your shit talking. How many fucking guys have you seen throw for 500 yards in the regular season and get bounced out in the first round of the playoffs? How many times did you see a fucking guy zigzagging all over the field? You can't tackle him and come play off time. He's sitting on a fucking exercise bike wearing a tinted windshield across his eyes. The incredible lack of fucking respect that you gave our little quarterback that could Tom Brady.

How dare you? How dare you write off the New England Patriots after one fucking week? It's all wishful thinking. We're coming again and we're going to take your hearts out and we're going to pull them out of your chest. We're going to show them to you and then we're going to under inflate them on our way to another fucking. Actually, we never got caught doing that.

They just suggested that we did it and I got laughed out of court and then do what I really need to address the stupid controversy of the fucking people taking a knee during the national anthem. Watching all these white people getting fucking upset by that, does it really affect your fucking life and all these fucking idiots trying to make the point of what they're doing? It's not about your point, the people who started this thing. It's about my point. It's about the way that I see it.

I had a buddy of mine go, yeah, these fucking guys are making a million dollars. You think it's bad here? Why don't you go fucking move to Syria? It's like, why do they have to move? Why can't they just live here the way you do? I don't understand that. But Donald Trump is a fucking genius that he has everybody talking about this issue because he is trying to get everybody to stop focusing on the pool party he had with fucking Vladimir.

That's his face over there in Russia. He doesn't want you watching that. He goes, oh, look at this over here, right? He goes down to Alabama and he gets all them fucking people all riled up and he keeps talking about this fatty over in fucking North Korea. That's what he's doing. It reminds me of when old fucking slick Willy, you know, bombed that country because he stuck his cigar in that woman's nether region.

This is the type of sick people that become president. This is what they do. All right? They get caught doing some fucked up shit, and then I will say this is about Trump. At least he didn't go bomb some people unlike what's his face with his bitch hands who now gets treated like a fucking hero. I don't understand that guy at all. You know what I mean?

Oh, that's great. Yeah, I got cocky at my dick sucked in the overall office, so I bombed the country. I might have killed the baby, but I sleep like one every night. I know. I'm a conspiracy theorist. I fucking hate them all. Did you see that thing? That's his face in fucking Korea considered that we declared war on him, right?

So Maggie Magginhall, whatever a fucking name is, Maggie Gyllenhaal, what is the fucking the poor woman who has to go out and fucking give the press conferences now? Because that dude with no neck, you know, who kind of looks like the political version of Roger Goodell went out there and fucked it all up. The hell's her name? She's got a classic political name. I don't know what the hell it is. She said the fact that North Korea thinks that where it wore with them is absolutely

preposterous or something like that. And then like a week before, what's his face? Trump basically tweeted that that fatty over there wasn't long for this earth. It's like you kind of just said he's not going to last. He's not going to be around long. That's what he said. I mean, I would take that as a threat. Oh, have a dash for his have a dash.

You know what they really need to do? They both need to just go to a whorehouse together and fucking grow up, you know, bang a couple of whores. They need to do a threesome, right? One of them is getting blown. The other is hitting it doggy style and just their eyes meet. They just start laughing. Being like, this is a great life, right?

You got a personal chef to that's fucking amazing. You live in a castle, live in a white house and it's fucking it's cool as you just talk about, you know, trade stories away comedians, trade stories about bombing. They could just talk about fucking bombing other countries and I don't know what fishing whatever whatever people at that level talk about. All right, let's get to the questions for this week. So I don't have any fucking problem with these these guys taking a knee. I try to listen to what it's about rather than getting wrapped up in what what what it

means to me. All right, pharmacists writing in dear Billy bag chaser. I don't know what that means. By the way, people, 39 days sober, 39 fucking days and this is this is how well I'm doing with my sobriety. When I flew to Canada, I went by this duty free and there's this my Callum rare cast. They got this new one black oak or some shit like that and I was like, I'm going to buy that.

Okay, I'm not going to take it to fucking Canada then suck it down like a fucking jackass. I'm just going to have this thing waiting for me. You know what I mean? For whenever I fall off the wagon. So this is like what I was thinking the whole ride in and like, you know, I'm getting off the plane. I'm trying to beat the crowd to get over to the taxi line because I don't fucking Uber and I never remember to set up a car.

So I always go to the fucking taxi line. What's great at LAX is there's never anybody there because nobody fucking takes a taxi. If he's got a friend to pick him up, um, I don't know what the fuck they do. There's always plenty of cabs. So I don't even try to be first in line at the cab stand. I go out of my way over to this duty free place and I grab this fucking thing, you know, like bring it up to the counter and the lady goes, Oh my God, she goes fucking, uh, what a wonderful choice and blah, blah, blah, blah.

You have great taste. I go, Oh yeah, I'm going on the wagon. When I come off, this is the bottle. I'm opening up. She goes, Are you going to Canada? I said, Nope, I'm going home. And she goes, Oh, I'm sorry. I can't sell you this.

And I'm like, why not? She goes, You have to be going to Canada. Something about the duty free. And I'm like, it's legal though. Do they sell this anywhere else in the airport? If you're just going back to your home, they're like, No, no, we don't. So I don't know. So I had a fucking hissy fit.

I had a fucking hissy fit. I had two hissy fits. One of the way they're going through Canadian customs when they made me take the lime green plastic cover off of my fucking laptop, like I somehow had a bomb in there or some sort of bomb residue. And I'm literally taking it off going, I'm going to crack this thing. And they go, well, just try to take it off easily. I look like fucking Howdy Doody.

I'm in this matrix. I like what's going on. Tell me what you want me to do. The fuck. So they make me take that fucking thing off, ended up cracking the cover. So I'm already in a bad mood. So rather than, you know, growing up and realizing that these fucking people at the, what is it?

The TCA, TCP, whatever fucking TCA, what is it called TSA, the fucking TSA, rather than just realizing these people are trying to protect me, which I don't think they're trying to do. I think they're trying to make it as inconvenient as fucking possible. So I'll agree to have my fucking retina scan so they can share that fucking information and gradually build a fucking robot. Sorry, put this fucking headphone back. Um, yeah, so all I wanted was a bottle of booze.

That's all I wanted and they wouldn't sell it to me. They wouldn't sell it to me. So I went online and I'll figure out a fucking place to get it. All right, let's do the little write in here. Pharmacist writing in, Dear Billy Bagchaser, your rant on pharmacist last week was hilarious. We have to be able to laugh at ourselves, right? I just wanted to weigh in on a couple of things. First off, the medication you were prescribed, the anti-inflammatory drug you received was

in the non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug class. How the fuck do you know? You didn't even look at it. Maybe you just be, ah, no, I can tell just by the way he's talking about it, I understand. Basically these drugs decrease the formation of prostaglandidins and thrombaxenine. Those chemicals are involved in the inflammation process, which itself causes pain. So these drugs can't just decrease inflammation without also decreasing pain, thus being labeled a pain killer.

Oh, okay. NSAIDs are not in the opioid family, okay, are not habit-forming. I don't know what this guy's talking about, but it sounds like he's blowing my argument out of the water. However, they can be very dangerous in susceptible populations. Why can't you say with addicts, susceptible populations? You guys are such fucking creeps in that world. NSAIDs, NSAIDs, NSAIDs increase the risk of cardiac events, kidney damage, and stomach

ulcers, oh, I'm sorry, recovered addicts, usually in the elderly or those with pre-existing conditions. I'm not sure what the other drug you received was. If it was a narcotic opioid pain killer and the doctor and pharmacist did not discuss it with you, they would be negligible on their part. Since when? Since when, I want to know. Now that the fucking heroin epidemic is completely out of control and the state of Ohio is suing

pharmaceutical companies, I graduated four years ago and the dangers of narcotics was extremely stressed. Now all the medical bodies are communicating the dangers of narcotics to practitioners and overseeing that prescribing is done appropriately. Maybe this is just the fucking, it's just how we are. They first had that DDT and they sprayed it all over the place and this is like, great, we just ended all these plagues and then we did all this damage to the environment. We created this fucking window that is starting to close, I feel, where it was this golden

age of not having to walk around with the fucking boil on your face and dying of the black plague and we just got a little out of control with it, which would have been great as we eradicated all of these different diseases if we somehow didn't grow the population. I feel like that's the sweet spot. I feel like that's what the fucking Illuminati should be discussing is like, what is the optimal number of people, including ourselves, of course, who should be allowed to survive while we keep all the modern day technologies so we can still live this awesome flat screen life with no plagues, but we also can still sustain living on this fucking planet.

What is that thing? What is that number? And they're not taking college because they're a fucking closed entity. All right, let me read a few more of these. How much time are we up to at this point? 18 minutes plus 37 is 55. Okay. All right.

So here we go. Goldmoney.com. Dear Billy Coppernuts, I heard you talk about goldmoney.com on your Monday morning podcast. Whoever emailed you about it didn't explain it very well. I feel like all these are just like free commercials. I haven't put any money into it yet, but now I'm going to speak about it as an authority, but I am considering it as it seems pretty legit. If you listen to Rogan's podcast with Peter Schiff, he explains it pretty well and makes

a good pitch. Yeah, but that guy stands the profit off it. Granted, Schiff admits that he invested money in the company. Yeah, so he's out. He's out. I want an independent fucking, I don't know. I can even find that anymore. Evidently, they sell you the gold at a low market price, half of 1%, I think.

What do you mean half of 1% of what? That's just sort of a number floating out there, right? Stored for you in a vault of your choosing with your name on it, and if you want it, they will actually mail your gold to you for free, minimum of like five grams or something. You also get a Mastercard, debit card that you can use to spend your gold slash money. Evidently, you can use. You can even get a debit card that is made of real gold, which sounds fucking baller. The Federal Reserve empowers that B may never let it work, but it seems like a great idea

at least. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yeah, there's a bunch of great ideas. Yeah, I'm all set on that. Hey, you give me your cash and we'll put it in gold in a vault that you choose. That's not where you can see it. All right, dating in Saudi Arabia. All right, it sounds like even if their mind is in the right place, it's going to go belly

up and then they're all going to write themselves bonus checks off your gold. That's what I would guess would happen, or the Federal Reserve will come in and say this is all illegal and take all the gold and then act like it's in Fort Knox when it's really fucking, I don't know, I don't know where the fuck it is somewhere in the Hamptons. All right, dating in Saudi Arabia. Hey there, Billy, the pie maker. Hope you're having a great day. Anyways, I wanted your advice on this problematic shit that I'm stuck in.

I met this lady through a common friend of ours. Oh, God, this is going to get messy when you break up with her and you're going to lose her and her friend. We talked. She's a really cool person. We got a lot of things in common. Then we met again twice as a friend and now I want to ask her out, but here's the thing. She is Egyptian and I'm Indian and we live in Saudi Arabia and dating is illegal here.

Well, then what the fuck did you go out with her for? Now your heart's going to get, cause you to get your fucking, what do they do with it? Beat your feet in the square? They're going to fucking slap your dick around in public or something? Whatever the punishment is over there. I mean, the authority could deport you immediately or worse, send you to jail for years. Now I really like this girl more than your freedom. All right.

Now I really like this girl and I like, you know, I even love this girl and I've already thought of names for our kids before she even said yes to me, but I'm really stuck on thinking through my brain. Okay. This is second language here. I'm going to try to help this out here, but I'm really stuck here. What should I think through my brain or through my dick? Should I?

Well, dude, none of that is your heart, so you should just leave. Should I ask her out and open for a whole, another level of problems or should I just shut the fuck up? Any advice from you who's highly appreciated? Love the podcast and love you as a brother. Go fuck yourself. There's not a woman or a man out there worth going to fucking prison in Saudi Arabia. I know how bad the prisons are over here.

I don't know what they're like over there. You guys got a lot of oil money? Although I did run into this guy from Saudi Arabian who's laughing his ass off of me. He goes, dude, we don't, we don't all have oil money. And I was just like, all right, fair enough, there's oil men over here. I don't have any of that money. Yeah, dude, I would walk away from this shit. It's fucking illegal.

You could go to jail, you get deported. You know what I mean? And even if you love somebody, they're going to annoy this shit out of you. So I mean, is that worth going to jail for? You know, I don't know. Is it illegal to just banger? But then if you love her, I don't know, I don't know. I would, I would get out of that.

I'd get out of it. All right. All right. Great movie scene, unknown actor. All right. Oh yeah. This is the, this is a new topic here where I was talking about actors that you saw just do like five lines in a fucking movie and they absolutely destroyed it.

And you and your friends still quote them. You don't even know their fucking names. I brought up that guy last week, the guy from Pulp Reservoir Dogs. The guy in, you know, when Tim Roth's character is, what is it, he's in the fucking bathroom and that cop's telling that story. I said, buddy, I am going to shoot you in the face. You know, put your fucking hands in that dash, but love that guy. So here he goes.

One of my favorite scenes with an unknown actor was Kill Bill 2. Bill's brother, Bud, I wish I need to see these movies to do this justice. I mean, I saw this, but I don't remember it. She wore the same outfit, that fucking yellow outfit in both movies, didn't she? Bill's brother, Bud is working as a bouncer at a rundown strip club. He shows up late for work, gets called into his boss's office. His boss, Larry Gomez, is played by actor Larry Bishop and he looks like half a wolf man.

After doing a line of blow with a haggard looking stripper, oh, I vaguely remember this. He levels his gaze at Bud and says, I don't know what car wash you worked before you came here. They let you stroll in 20 minutes late, but it wasn't owned by you, it wasn't owned by me and I own a fucking car wash. I just butchered that line. Well, I realized that I need glasses and I have slight dyslexia. I was trying to write squawk today and I knew all the letters and I just could not remember.

I was trying to remember what squawking, 7700 versus 7500, I always get those two mixed up, if that's an emergency landing or a fucking hijacking, because one stay alive and the other is fucking go to heaven. All right, sorry, that's how you remember it, 75 stay alive, 77 go to heaven. All right, 75 is hijacking, 77 is emergency, and 76 need a fix, means your fucking radio is out. This doesn't mean anything to you guys. I don't know what car wash you worked before you came here.

They let you stroll in 20 minutes late, but it wasn't owned by me and I own a fucking car wash. There you go, that was a good fucking read. That makes me want to go see that movie. He then proceeded to give this world class assassin a humiliating dress down, telling him he's as useless as an asshole on his elbow and crossing off all his scheduled work days on the calendar. He finishes by telling him never to wear his cowboy hat to work and has him cleaned a clogged

toilet on his way out. All bud can do is stand there and take it. I hope you've seen this great movie. If not, it's worth a watch. Thanks and go fuck yourself. I'm going to go watch it again. All right. I think this bit is going to make people go see these cool movies again and it's also

going to make everybody laugh at how bad I can't fucking read out loud. All right, Bill, my favorite line in a comedy ever might be from Blazing Saddles delivered by Slim Pickens. He rides into the scene where his workers are singing camp. Is it Camtown Races? I always thought it was camp, Camtown Races and says, what in the wide, wide world a sport is going on here? I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch

of Kansas City faggots. I remember that line. Whatever the hell that means. And I'm quoting a movie, by the way, before everybody gets all fucking uptight about that. You know, Richard Pry wrote on that and he was actually supposed to be the lead in it and then they went with the other actor and I don't know any actor's names. Okay. Three.

Number three. It's a line said by a non-movie star actors that your listeners, friends talked about for my group of friends. It's a line from Ghostbusters. When Peter Venkman, Bill Murray shows up to Dana's, W Weaver apartment right after the dog monster runs loose from Lewis Telly. I've never seen that movie. I've never seen Ghostbusters.

Just not a sci-fi guy. Is that considered sci-fi? Venkman shows up to the scene and asks a cop, what happened? And the cop nonchalantly replies, some moron brought a cougar to a party and it went berserk. My friends and I have been quoting that cop for years. Check it out at 2.30 of the following. Oh, I can look at these fucking, I can click on the links. This is even better.

Why have me read it when I can click on the links? All right. We'll compare my read. Come on, boys. The way you lollygagging around here with their pecs and them shoals, you think it was a hundred and twenty degrees. Can't be more than a hundred and fourteen. When you were slaves, you sang like birds. Come on, how about a good old nigger work song?

Jesus Christ. What the fuck kind of linky is sending me here? I thought that was going to go to your fucking... Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Am I going to have to have an apology video here? What the fuck just happened? Do I do this other one?

This is my... How you doing? Why do you have some of the brie? It's at room temperature. You think it's too warm in here for the brie? I'm going home. All right. Fuck all these things.

These things are going to be too long and evidently they have the n-word in them. Oh, boy. Do I need to take a knee after this one? All right. I have two unknown and unheralded actors with memorable movie lines. Both are the great Mel Brooks movies. The first one is the Roman soldier in the history of the World Part One. The Empress is approaching, but there's a horse and a carriage in the way.

The Roman soldier looks directly at the camera and says, Move that miserable piece of shit. The over-the-top way delivers the line, comes out of nowhere. I say it all the time and the best impression I can do. You know what I got to do? I have to get the actual clips for this to work because what I'm now doing is ruining. I'm ruining great movies. All right.

Girlfriend believes in ghosts. All right. Girlfriend believes in ghosts. Dear Grandmaster B, I met this lady a few weeks ago. Things went really good. She's very cool. I found her good-looking and we have a lot of stuff to talk about. I didn't have a lot of relationships in the past.

I'm 32. I picked up my game about four years ago. Everything was great until we went to a restaurant one day and she told me she believes in ghosts. Not just that. She said she actually sees them and even got patients who come to her for treatment about it. I tried to be open-minded about it. Oh my God. I can just hear the silverware hitting the plates at this point.

Trying to compare it to people who believe in God. But her believing in this keeps bugging me. I'm not saying she's crazy or wrong. Who am I to know? But she doesn't sit right the way I see the world. Then fucking drop her. This is the thing now. This is whole fucking straight across the board.

You have to look at everything like, oh, the leaves are brown and the sky is gray. If you're dating and somebody does something and it makes your body literally go like, what the fuck? Then you're literally going to fight that feeling and go, well, maybe I need to stop being so ghostophobic. It's like, no, it's fucking ghosts. It's weird. You're going to fucking live with Whoopi Goldberg's character from Ghost. That's what you're going to do.

People trying to sit on her and shit. Trying to sit on you. That's what you're going to sign up for. I mean, if that's what you're into, by all means do it. But if you're on a date and there's like, that's a major fucking thing. Because it's not like she just believes in it every once in a while. She's going to hear like a thump in the house and start telling you it's a ghost when you're like, honey, it's fucking air in the pipes.

All right, we just have to fucking turn on the faucet. Remember, the plumber did work today and they shut it off for a second. That's what that is. That's not that. She's going to become like a ghost hunter and all of that stuff. Gradually, she's going to start dressing more and more like she can predict the future. You don't want to fuck that. When they start wearing those long flowing things, just so many layers of clothes to

try to pick up to just get it going. You start wearing like curtains and shit. You don't need that anyways. All right. Sorry, that whole fucking movie thing just, I don't know. Can you guys just send me the goddamn clip? Or I guess you sent me the clip. What I should have done was queue it up.

I tried to do too many things. I tried to promote shit. I tried to do all that and then do the whole thing. The whole fucking thing just fell apart. All right. Let me just finish with this last thing. A buddy of mine is opening a fucking, a new comedy club on the Upper West Side in Manhattan. Okay.

Friday, October 6th and October 7th. It's like a little 100 seat fucking club. I'm going to be coming to the town in November and I'm going to pop in and do a spot. I love little clubs like that. Let's see here. Russ Maneves going to be there. Brear Barnes, Mark Norman, John Fish, Sherrod Small, Brian Scott McFadden and many more. It's going to be a great show.

If you're on the Upper West Side, sorry, it's on 201 West 75th Street. It's right next to the Beacon Theater, which is also cool. You know what I mean? You go in there and you fucking do your spots and you come out and you go, wow, someday I'll be across the street. It's tremendous. Give it a shot. If you're in town, Friday, October 6th and October 7th, I got the hiccups. That's the podcast.

Please check out Felipe Esparza's new stand up special. What's it called? Translate this September 30th on HBO 10 PM. This feels more like indigestion. I haven't even eaten today. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. The new Galaxy A54.

That's going to be released soon. What do you say? I don't understand. Wait, I got those ears in. I wasn't going to call. Information and conditions at proximus.be. Proximus. Think possible.