Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-26-11

Episode Date: September 29, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about NFL football and drowning in your own vomit.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15th, Ikea family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. If not the greatest. At least I feel he's the greatest. For my money.

Whatever that means. Whatever that fucking expression means. For my money, the greatest drummer of all time. Rockin' rockin' road drummer. John Henry Bonham. Melvin, dick, dick, dick. My voice is shot. My voice is shot from screaming jokes here in Boston.

Bill, why do you scream your jokes? Because I don't know how to write jokes. When you don't know how to write jokes, you just get loud. And that's what it is that I do. And I will continue to be loud until somebody shushes me. Yes, so one day after John Bonham's death, in an honor of him, why don't you go out tonight and drink less than 34 measures of vodka and try to sleep on your side instead of on your back at your best friend's castle.

And when he's down the hall muttering some occult shit with his 16-year-old girlfriend, you won't have to worry about drowning in your own fucking vomit. What a way to go. What a way to go. Clichéed way to go. You know? But it was original when he did it.

Was it at that point? Did Keith Moon die that way? Jimi Hendrix really didn't die that way, did he? I thought he was strapped to a gurney and started puking. And then they were just like, the French people were just like, oh, I think it's, was that supposed to be a French? I had to stop myself right there. Was that really going to be a French accent, Bill?

Oh, right. That's not French. How the fuck do you do French, Bill? You only took fucking nine years of it in high school. How the fuck do you do a fake French accent? I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I'm still here in Boston.

Fucking Boston, Jude! I'm still here in Boston. I'm at my parents' house. And you know what that means. You know what it means when you stay at your parents' house. It means one and one thing only. Well, it means a lot of things, but we're only going to talk about one thing at this point.

It means that you don't have, you don't have internet access. If you do, maybe it's dial-up. You don't have any. Right now I have server not found. So what I have ahead of me, everybody, is I have to go one full fucking hour. I can't read any of your shit.

Unless my mom comes back and I can find out what her password is. Her fucking password is 18 numbers. I'm not even kidding you. It's like fucking nine, 11 zeros, four sevens. I have no idea. What's the deal with parents and no internet? Yeah, so I've been here and

my parents are actually trying to get, I still have some shit from my childhood here. They're trying to get me to take it. I want you to go up in the air and I can look and just, whatever is up there that you want, I want you to take it because I'm throwing the rest of it out. I'm laughing, going, there's nothing up there that I want.

I don't give a shit. Just go up there. Just go up there. I want my football cards. That's all I want. My Dan Marino rookie cards. Eric Dickerson, I collected hardcore from 77 to 83 and I would have kept collecting,

but somebody made fun of me because by 83 I was in my freshman year of high school and I had mentioned to somebody that, you know, that I had already gotten all the football cards for that year. You know, because at that point my paper route, I had a paper route. Yes, I did. I still rode a bicycle.

Just let me paint a picture for you. Okay, big reddish orange Afro riding a beach rambler with white wall tires, this big Pee Wee Herman bike with white wall tires, fucking insanely giant tires. Like if you went fast enough and slammed on the brakes, it sounded like a car. It went,

people thought it was the shit. No, they didn't. Nobody liked me, right? So anyways, I had paper route money people. I had been doing the paper route. I have from third grade to freshman year in high school. I got up every fucking morning

because there's no day off with papers. Have you noticed that? Even on Christmas, when you wake up, right, you walk by your children and that woman that you married and you got your robe on, you know, tied nice and tight so your fucking Hogan doesn't spill out.

It's a holiday. Put your junk away, Dad. What the fuck, right? And you walk to the front door. There's the paper. What do you think it got there? Well, nowadays, it's probably thrown there from a car,

out a car window by a 40-year-old. All right, but when I was young, all right, it was still delivered by children. Yeah, it was great. Back then, they had paper boys. Then the broads had to come along. Well, what about paper girls? Why can't we do that awful job?

You know? Typical fucking broads. Oh, this is early. Am I already going to say that? Six minutes in. Let me tell you something about these fucking ladies. You know, the funny thing about feminism

is they sat there. Sometimes you just, you got to really look, you got to really examine what you're asking for. It's kind of like gay people pushing for the right to get married. It's like, do they have any fucking idea what they're signing up for?

You know? They're so wrapped up in being treated the exact same way as heterosexuals, which they should be, right? I'm not giving you a rough time there. Twinkle toes. You should be, okay? But there are some advantages of being gay.

One of them is you don't have to get married. You can have a life partner, right? And at no point in the relationship can the dude sit there, right? He's got his head on his shoulder playing with your chest hair. You know?

And you can just feel the sadness of his head. And then you go, what's the matter, Scott? You know? I don't know why Scott struck me as funny. What's the matter, Scott? You don't seem like your normal self. And he can be like,

where is this relationship going? And then you're in that. Then you're in that. And then you got to get married and you got to put all your shit on the line, right? Well, let me ask you this, gay guys. What if Scott is a fucking bum? What if he sucks at math?

What if he's not an earner? You ever think about that? During your parades? Have you ever thought about that? What if he's a fucking loser? Loser? Huh? Then what? And then three years later,

you're under a lot of stress because you got to fucking support his ass, too. You don't have time to go to the gym and keep your abs all in shape, right? And all of a sudden you get a little doughy. A little doughy, right? He's a guy. He totally judges people

by how they look in a tight shirt, right? He fucking walks out on you. Walks out on you, takes half your shit, and now you got to pay alimony for a goddamn man. Don't you ever think about that? Well, you should.

Alright, don't fucking do what. Why, you know? Oh, that would be great. Is it common law marriage? Or do they not even recognize that because you're both either women or both guys? I mean, the fucking advantages of that

is just, it's incredible. You know? It's almost worth the rejection. Wouldn't you say? Oh, whatever. Go fuck yourselves. Alright, I got an hour to kill here. What am I in? Oh, nine minutes in. Oh, Jesus.

Um... So anyways, I'm here at my parents' house. So they tell me to go upstairs. Go upstairs into the attic and whatever you don't want, whatever you want, take, whatever you don't want, leave behind. And I'm thinking, you know, I'm not a pack rat.

I'm not one of these hoarders. There's not going to be anything up there. Dude, the shit that I've... First of all, the shit that my parents kept. They kept everything. They had my first... My first concert T-shirt. I saw Judas Priest on the Turbo Lover Tour.

Docking, opening up. And I bought a Judas Priest concert T-shirt that had the three-quarter baseball sleeves. And it was a cheap piece of shit. So the elbows fucking ran out. War out after a while. So I decided I was going to cut the sleeves off, like all the potheads at school.

And I completely fucked it up. Because the sleeves went all the way up to the neck. And in my head, you know, I've never been good at visualizing like proportions. I just don't see things correctly. Like I look at the stove.

The front of the stove to me is near the wall. Like I always view a stove like I'm standing behind a car. So that's the front. And the burner close to you, that's the trunk. I've never been... That's why when I try to put shit together, something at Ikea and I try to put it together,

I have a problem because I view it in this dyslexic way. Or whatever. So So I basically just completely forgot what I was talking about. What the fuck did I go to a stove? I was in the attic.

Let's try to work our way back here. God knows we got the time. You know what? I don't know. I was going up the ladder. Couldn't have been that interesting. You know something when the speaker can't remember what he was talking about? Is it really worth finishing the rest of the story?

I gotta ask you. Huh? What are you judging me on? Your car with the fucking crack dashboard? Anybody got one of those? You know? Just from the elements. Your piece of shit car. The fucking dashboard starts cracking. Remember that in the old cars?

It started looking like a pussy with like fucking insulation in it. You know? Slit. Right down the middle. Then you put your weed in there. Man. Cops will never think of looking here. So anyway, so I walk up the ladder. Oh, I know. I was talking about the Judas Priest thing.

Yeah, trying to cut the stupid t-shirt off. And I actually, I cut all the way up except, you know, the collar. I cut everything off except for the collar. So it basically ended up looking like a Freddie Mercury. Something Freddie Mercury would wear. I could never wear it again. And for some reason I still have it.

So I go up there and I see it. And I'm like, holy shit. That's the first concert I ever went to. I can't throw that out. Despite the fact it's unwearable. The shit I found up there. Iron Maiden. Everything was a tank top too. Because it was the 80s.

So none of it. It's all too small for me and they're all tank tops. Stevie Ray Vaughn. Concert t-shirt from the In Step Tour when I saw him in July of 1989 at Great Woods out in Mansfield, Massachusetts. June of July.

He headlined a blues festival and I went to that thing and I bought a concert t-shirt. Like a douche. Rather than just getting the t-shirt. All right. Because it was an XL which still fits me. But back in the day it fit me because I was lifted. Remember the 80s too. What do you mention?

That's what it was all about. Nobody cared what you curled with. Nobody cared what you were squatting. It was all about what do you mention. For the record. For the record. Most I ever put up was 225. I put up 225 once kid. Dude fucking

Sully works out with that. Yeah well he's fucking 6'3". I weigh a buck 65. I put up 225 once. Go fuck yourself. All right. I'm still one of my few accomplishments that I still look back on. And it makes me psyched.

Every year when I watch the NFL Combine and they do the you know one of their things is to see how many times you can bench 225. Just the fact that I put it up once. Just the fact that I could be at an NFL Combine and put it up once very slowly.

I guess they would figure out on the first rep. I was going to say for the first rep they'd be like all right let's see what this kid got and by the second one they'd be like all right but now when I really think about it I put up 225 really slowly and my buddy was standing over me ballbag handing him my

hanging in my face right, you remember that? Remember that? How homoerotic is it to have your friend come over and spot you on the bench in the 1980s with his Larry Bird shorts? Hahahaha Hahahaha

Come on push it up! I'm trying to I'm trying to but your balls are in my face yes I am at my parents house and yes I did just scream that anyway so I go up the ladder

hey we're almost at 15 minutes alright that's a quarter of an hour here so we go, I go up the goddamn ladder into the attic alright, oh you see what I did I was already up there, I was already up in the attic now I started over again like one of those

reality shows don't you hate when they do that shit they'll sit there and they'll do that stuff like they're like building like the chopper everything was going great and then the carburetor doesn't fit hey Mikey the carburetor doesn't fit

we mean the carburetor doesn't fit, doesn't fit well I hope dad doesn't find out about this oh what the fuck doesn't fit then they go to commercial then they come back and then the guy goes you know everything was going great then the carburetor didn't fit my Mikey carburetor doesn't fit

you know how they do that shit yes Bill we know we know how they do that shit stop trying to kill time be a fucking man, plow through this story believe in your comedic abilities that another story will come to you afterwards alright

let's go, let's fucking plow ahead Stevie Ray Vaughn concert t-shirt alright sleeveless tank top with fucking the pit stain still in it fucking I don't know how long ago

iron maiden piece of mind fucking tank top, I did not go to that tour I just bought that I'm gonna take pictures of all these and then dude I gotta tell you something there was a pair of Boston Bruin shorts

alright that weren't even Larry Bird shorts these were fucking booty shorts I'm gonna take a picture of these because I can't believe that I actually wore these fucking things these goddamn things I guess I was like you know 10-15 pounds lighter

there's no excuse because I was still the height that I'm at and that they were made out of that sweat pant material so they were like loose fitting I gotta take a picture of those I had a couple of pairs of those remember those polyester coaching shorts

those bike shorts they weren't like Lance Armstrong bike shorts they were that was the name of the company and every coach used to wear them and they were like they were the precursor to Spandex they were polyester

and they had that really wide waistband all the fatties used to wear them or the guys who actually did squats because nobody did squats in the 80s it was all about the upper body and then summer came along and you walked around

your Larry Bird shorts with two little pencil legs coming out and you were absolutely gigantic on top and then one of those muscle magazines finally addressed it saying the reason why you gotta start doing squats is because you can't shoot a cannon out of a canoe I remembered that

did you Bill? yeah I did so I found all my football cards and now I got all this is there anything more depressing than going through that type of shit it's fucking unreal you start looking at stuff

you remember where you were girls you had crushes on but never made a move on them you know you start thinking man if I could just go right back to this time here I would do this, this, this and this I found a camera bag up there

I bought this fucking camera because I thought I was going to get into taking pictures and this is when you actually had to fucking take a picture it was film you had to deal with your SHUT UP right? what speed is the film and all that type of shit

take the lighting I had no idea should I use the flash? should I not use the flash? you had to use your brain it's kind of like today you know with GPS today you had to read a map you know

before the map you had to look up at the stars we just keep getting dumber now you don't have to just point and shoot right? I really sound like an old guy you just have to think so anyways I look into the camera bag

and it's from two family trips in 1980 and then another one from 1982 and I'm thinking these are going to be awesome because I'm going to have to see what my family looks like but what sucked was all I did was I just took pictures of inanimate objects

so other than the occasional car you really can't tell what year it is because I got a picture of the Washington Capital picture of the White House that still looks the same Disney World Thomas Jefferson's fucking Plantation House

hey black people who listen to this do you find it weird that that white people will go to like Thomas Jefferson's house you know isn't he considered like the other honorary white boy

right up there with Abe Lincoln Abe sets you free but didn't Thomas Jefferson he said something he wasn't ready to commit he's like yeah I think slavery's bad I think I'll have a few and bang a couple you know

but you know if you really want to discuss the subject you know yeah I don't think I'm for it can you please put me on the ah fuck what bill is he on is Thomas Jefferson on a bill oh they put him on the $2 bill didn't they

now what would they say in there because then they got the expression queer is a $2 bill queer used to be a word for gay people so what were they saying that he was actually gay is Thomas Jefferson a homosexual that would be fucking hilarious that would be hilarious if they somehow

that would be classic of like nowadays how they do that shit new evidence shows that Thomas Jefferson may have been a homosexual yeah I love when they do that shit it's like you mean that guy who died over 200 years ago or like 200 years ago

that guy 160 years ago whenever the fuck he died where did you find this new evidence ah we actually found a pair of male trousers that had his semen on and they weren't his pants how do they do that by the way

how do they find out about you I think I've asked this before on the podcast how the fuck did they figure out like something from 400 years ago new evidence shows that the Vikings may have not been the first white people to come to North America you know

some oceanographer found a piece of driftwood from a boat from like the 12th century or something can you imagine being that smart that something like that is like that exciting to you like you find this old piece of wood you know and to me I would just look at it

and be like you know what I'm going to do with this I'm going to do one of those things where like Bobby Flay does we just throw it on the grill and you put the burger on top of it you know that's what I'm going to do with it and they actually see it and they can figure out what year it was from

and that's what they always do they always find like some sort of DNA on it this was actually used as a murder weapon in the great and the Haas tribe the what tribe the Haas tribe there was a tribe that existed

between 29 BC and 29 and a half BC I can't imagine being that fucking intelligent I can't imagine you guys actually needing me to tell you that I'm not that intelligent so anyway so I go up to I'm up in the attic people

I'm still in the attic on this podcast this podcast is 22 fucking minutes old I'm up in the fucking attic so I found a pair of Boston Bruins booty shorts fucking booty shorts I found a hoodie alright

a bud man hoodie does anybody remember bud man it was like a superhero character in the 80s you know he had like the Batman sort of mask went all the way down over his fucking nose and he was sort of fat

he was bud man he could fly and he was all about drinking Budweiser I have a white hoodie with bud man on it I got a Morton Downey Jr fucking sweatshirt

because he took that show on the road he took the show on the road and I went there and I saw it live and he had all these plants in the crowd and everybody was going up there screaming at him and he's like let me tell you something you motherfucker and he was smoking cigarettes and I was sitting there screaming

in the crowd like the white trash piece of shit that I was I got a Morton Downey Jr sweatshirt what else did I see up there I had a Boston Celtics 1986 World Champion sweatshirt I mean t-shirt

and then I had another one any Boston people remember this 1986 New England home of the champions and it had the Celtic emblem the Patriots emblem

sorry and the Boston Red Sox emblem we actually had the nerve to call all of them champions because the Celtics won the NBA championship the Patriots won the AFC championship and then proceeded to get raped by the

85 Bears and then the Boston Red Sox won the AL won the pennant the American League championship and then we blew game 6 of the fucking World Series so and that year

they had a parade for the Celtics I went to that the championship parade hammered out of my fucking mind and I actually told those I actually did a tour of the city of Boston I made a video and I tell that story and then they also went down to

government center they actually had a parade they didn't have a parade they had Red Sox appreciation day that's how sad the state of affairs was for Boston sports back then if you just made it to the championship even if you blew it

we still appreciated it and I went down there and government center for Red Sox appreciation day and believe it or not when Bill Buckner came to the podium he got a huge round of applause I think I can't tell because we were still stunned or the kind of people who would actually

go down to Red Sox appreciation day are not the kind of people who would boo you know sure was a bunch of librarians I appreciated them but I really just wanted to skip school when I really think about it

all those motherfuckers I had a good four year hangover after that where I just really couldn't totally give in to rooting for that team again sort of like

someone who had their heart broken isn't that sad I had my little sports heart broken you know and then next year they fielded another team and they were like hey Bill you want to come down to the ballpark and I was like no it's too soon it's too soon

I remember one time Wade Boggs they were making some sort of fucking improbable run to win in the division and they won a couple of games and after it he was he was pleading with the crowd he's going believe

believe and fuck you Wade you douche fucking Wade Boggs and what happened you still didn't win it and then you left and you had to win one there you cunt

fuck do you get off saying believe you son of a bitch after 1986 where do you get off saying believe oh I wanted to slap that red beard right off his fucking face when he did that actually I didn't

I was actually excited when he did it but now looking back on it it fucking annoys me because he was basically being the girl no no no I don't I was with my old boyfriend that's totally over I love you you're awesome and right as you give in to her she fucking yanks to rug out from underneath you

oh speaking of which the fucking red socks magic number I think it's down to three it's down to three and then we're in the playoffs we're in the playoffs well everybody up here who's sitting here

looking out you know just having an inability to look at the glass being one sixteenth full I don't know what your problem is stop focusing on the fact that we were up by nine games

and now we're up by half a game we have a hundred and eighty million dollar behemoth of a fucking team to get the job done I think we're gonna get the job done alright we're gonna go out there we're gonna win we're gonna go on a roll

and then we're gonna beat the tigers and then we're gonna go into Yankee stadium we're gonna be I don't know what's gonna happen something I don't know the fuck everybody up here is all goddamn miserable Dan Shaughnessy is in his fucking hey day he can write these articles in his sleep you know what I'm gonna hit pause right now

I'm gonna read you the fucking article Shaughnessy wrote today alright hang on a second alright I'm back just like that with the wonder of hitting pause I am back little winded from running up and down the stairs so anyways

fucking Red Sox won the second game last night Patriots lost to the Buffalo Bills alright which I gotta be honest with you if you knew anything about sports wasn't really a shocker alright

how am I this fucking winded from going up and down stairs I was sitting there talking to this comedian Dan Smith who opened for me at the Wilbur this past weekend and I was going to what do you think about the Bills game he goes I don't know it makes me nervous

I like our offense I don't like our defense I'm like yeah they let up 400 yards to the fucking dolphins and they didn't look great last week and Chung is out I just I don't like it we used to win championships when we won games 20 to 17 and this bullshit where

you score 35 we don't care we're gonna score 40 that just reminds me of the San Diego Chargers and the Miami Dolphins way back in the day and they never won anything they never won championships

so but for some reason this guy Dan Shaughnessy who works in sports does it for a fucking living never saw this loss coming so this is what he writes it's a stressing day that's for sure

alright we are reeling our world no longer makes sense who is he writing for he's like a fucking who's that guy made everybody drink the Kool-Aid and commit suicide listen

we are reeling our world no longer makes sense fucking like 90 days ago we saw the Bruins when their first Stanley Cup in 40 fucking years alright we've won seven championships in seven fucking years we've run the table cover of ESPN the magazines calls this title town

this is the greatest it's ever been and this guy is still writing articles like this I don't think Dan Shaughnessy can ever be happy he goes to Patriots can't even beat the Buffalo Bills anymore

we're two in one we're two in one we're two in one we're two in one and our defense has been fucking shitty for three years we beat the Bills 15 fucking times in a row

eventually, yeah, they're gonna beat us he goes in Skiddish September in a Skiddish September of a cataclysmic redsox free fall by the way they're still in first place we still had the Patriots over the Bills it was right there with death

just as I don't even know is this a chick flick? Rick and Isla always had Paris we for sure had the Patriots over the Buffalo Bills it was a sure thing but now it's all gone

I gotta tell you this if you're ever in a plane crash and you survive and you're in the middle of the jungle and you're in it's you and Dan Shaughnessy I'm telling you right now if you want to survive you immediately either have to kill Dan

Shaughnessy and use him for food he'd probably give you food poisoning cause he's so goddamn negative or just go hey dad why don't you go over there and gather some wood we're gonna be hanging right here and just run in the other direction

because he is not gonna say anything this guy I swear to god you could hit the lottery that day and he could figure out a way to find out why it's a fucking bad thing alright he's not taking anything into consideration are you guys really buying

what the NFL is right now the Buffalo Bills 3-0 the Detroit Lions 3-0 the fucking Oakland Raiders 3-0 do you really think that this is how it's gonna stay honestly do you really think they know you don't find this eerily similar

to like the beginning of a baseball season when and who would have thought the Baltimore Orioles are in first place Chicago Cubs coming out strong you know there was no pre-season alright defenses I mean they're out of shape

they're faking injuries they're grabbing hamstrings they're falling down like they get shot everybody and their brother is throwing for 400 yards defenses they're gonna play themselves into shape and stuff is gonna make sense again it's gonna start to come together but as far as the Patriots

goes alright who knows anything about football has liked the Patriots defense for the last two years anybody anybody who knows anything about football when the Patriots are up by 21 points

aren't you still nervous there's too much time left dude our defensive backs I don't even know what they were doing yesterday they don't even bump the guy they just let him run by and then they just run behind him you know

and everybody oh Brady four interceptions he hasn't done that since 2006 it's gonna fucking happen to sit here and write this gloom and doom article this is what it is I don't buy it I don't buy that Dan

Shaughnessy is this miserable I think it's a shtick for the simple fact that he's a tremendously successful man he's on ESPN he writes for the Boston Globe you don't get that way laying down on the mat in life every time things don't go your fucking way

but he's teaching people how to be losers that's why I can't stay in his articles you get knocked down you get back up like that Frank Sinatra song just what makes that little old ant

take he can move the rubber tree plant everyone says that he sucks he can't fucking do it and something else something else he fucking somehow fucking did something positive

so fuck you cunts that's what life is all about anytime you're trying to do something you're trying to swim up river against the stream you gotta know in life there's gonna be 200 cunts on either side of the river

screaming at you saying you can't do it they don't want you to do it they want you to fail cause they don't have the balls to jump in the river that's what it is alright I'm still a Red Sox fan I'm still a Patriot I still believe in them

they don't give a fuck they've done great for the last 7 years Jesus Christ I remember one time when the Patriots won the Super Bowl or the Red Sox won the World Series Dan Shaughnessy started the article he goes I don't even know how to write this

article oh can we all just pause take a moment of silence and say a prayer for Dan Shaughnessy's wife you know that poor woman Dan you want to go apple picking today nahhh

you're probably all gonna be brown on the inside unfucking believable so congratulations to the Buffalo Bills how fucking cool is it that some white guy from Harvard is actually doing something

the whitest of white guys is actually excelling in sports it's it's you know you just don't see it that's like he's like our Obama when was the last time somebody smart

you know from a fucking Ivy League school actually did something I love asking questions like that here in the podcast cause that's when the fucking stat guys get all excited so they can fucking break out their little stats so anyway

so me and Paul Verzi last year if you remember we did our little football pool and we picked four games a week we just started this week cause I don't bet the first couple weeks you gotta see how everything's gonna settle in you're a moron

if you're a gambler and you start gambling you know before two weeks into the season you have no idea what's gonna happen who would have thought the Kansas City Chiefs were gonna be that bad you know so I started out this year and I somehow

managed to pick one game yesterday I took the Carolina Panthers I was drinking the Cam Newton fucking hype juice I was drinking that shit right I almost said Kool-Aid but then I was worried because he was black that would be considered racist

so I switched to hype juice that was the inner monologue that was like behind the DVD kind of shit you know DVD monologue and then who else did I pick I took the Jets

I was like Jets fucking giving three against the Raiders the Raiders suck all their fucking fans dress up like they're in the Rocky Horror Picture Show you know like those are the scary ones those aren't the scary ones where they make up and have the neck tattoos

and they stab people who have 49er jerseys those are the scary ones you know that's why they don't put them on TV because the cameraman doesn't want to get stabbed so they just show the fucking goofy guy dressed like fucking Darth Vader that other idiot

with the spikes in his shoulder pads and he goes ehhh grits his fucking teeth what a fucking loser I bet that guy can't even do a pull up that's funny now is he'll probably come to a show in San Francisco and beat the shit out of me wearing that costume

and I gotta be honest with you I will take that ass kicking and I will find something humorous about it as I lie in the fetal position protecting my fucking organs and then trying to move my back quickly to protect my kidneys um

what else what the fuck was I talking about I lost my train of thought okay yeah so I took the jets lost that one that was a win-win situation either I was gonna win the bet or I was gonna watch the jets lose um who else did I take

I took the Falcons Matt Ryan I didn't know he had a sore knee so I lost that one and then tonight I took the Redskins I don't know why I took the Redskins I just think Tony Romo is hot and cold

he fucks up then he's awesome now he's due to fuck up and that was one of the hardest games I've had to pick Tony Romo or Rex Grossman you got Tony Romo who has all the tools Tony Romo is like Peter Brady

in that episode when he works at the bike shop you know and Mr. Martinelli just goes like you got all the smarts but something happens between here and he points to his head and he goes in here and he does that Italian thing

you put your thumb between your middle finger and your index right there because back then you could do shit like that you know they used to do all stereotypes back then even with white people they would break us down to nationalities

if you were a French guy you'd be walking around with a beret even though you were born in America and you have a big baggett sticking out of your back pocket right you remember that shit? used to call it character acting now today they call it racist

um so anyways those were my picks this week so I'm trying to go two and two Paul Verzi of course went one and three because I don't know what his deal is there's nothing Paul likes better than fucking

taking a team giving 12 points I don't know the life of me I don't know why he does it but I want to send a special thank you card to whoever taught him how to gamble that way you know what pisses me off is I fucking had a feeling about the giants this is a classic gambler

I did I didn't think they were going to win the game but I was just like I just got this fucking feeling you know now I got to give it up to Verzi I think Verzi called it fast but they're not durable

they got a bunch of willy galtz on that team so that's the end of that boring part of the podcast did you enjoy that how about that ladies Jesus Christ 42 minutes in I'm going to have to go with old topical shit

what else do I got what else do I got you know what I got I'm fucking flying back later on this week I fly back out to LA and I've actually stuck with my airline so I got bumped up to first class isn't that awesome it sucks for people to follow me

on twitter because they're not going to see uh you know they're not going to get to see me tweeting about some fat bastard sitting next to me I can't wait this is the deal when you fly first class you go on that plane starving

you don't eat for like three days so when they come when they bring you all this shit oh it's great it's great then they bring you the sunday in the end you know you get to eat like you're eight years old and it's your fucking

birthday it's tremendous you owe it to yourself at some point in your life use your miles whatever you got to do flying first and don't do it for a three hour four hour six hour one of those six hour flights you're going to be you're actually upset

when the flight ends you know speaking of that you know I'm out here in my hometown and I was driving around I'm hitting all the spots you know like people who move away from their home state I think just about everybody

does this shit you basically you come back you're totally excited you come back you buy a couple of t-shirts from your of your home team and then you just start hitting all these places you used to eat at when you were in your twenties and you could eat that way

and not put on nine zillion pounds that's what I did I went to the fucking town spa pizzeria stote massachusetts you know I went to this fucking ice cream place that I go to out here where they got uh

it's unbelievable this place I ordered a small dish of ice cream I think they gave me more than a pint of ice cream you know let me get toasted walnut fudge with jimmies that's what they call sprinkles up here jimmies

and I think they taste better I don't know if they taste better up here but I think the fact that I can just say jimmies and somebody knows what I'm talking about but they didn't have my flavor so I had to go I had to go with the chocolate chip and nothing

people I get nothing to talk about I'm literally sitting here talking about a cup of ice cream and for summary oh there's the phone there's the phone oh Jesus somebody get that I'm not answering that um who's it gonna be I haven't lived here in fucking 20 years

um alright let's plow ahead what can I possibly talk about next oh I want to thank everybody who came down to the uh the wilbur theater in uh in boston massachusetts four sold out shows how's that for support

you know I had dan smith opening up for me uh buddy of mine I started out with tony musketto crushed it also both of them killing it friday night tony musketto saturday night dan smith

both of them perform here in boston all the time so if you're in the boston area please check those guys out and I want to thank those guys for killing it uh in front of me although I had to break dan smith's balls he goes to me right this is this is like

when somebody opens for you you know if they're gonna sell merchandise at the end of the show the etiquette is you ask the guy that you know you're opening for is it okay if I sell some stuff right that's basically how it goes

that's what you're supposed to do because there's some headliners out there that say no I don't want you selling any stuff I want to make all the money right but you know me I'm a good shit I'm a swell guy people like me you you're a lying sack of shit and everybody knows it

what movie breakfast club go fuck yourselves I know it was a bad impression anyways so uh he goes do you mind if I sell anything I said daddy sell whatever you want to sell you know it's all good I'm happy to be

working for you working with you Jesus Christ was my self esteem alright so you know what this son of a bitch does he goes on fucking stage and at the end of his show he has a goddamn infomercial about his fucking DVD

he starts saying all the proceeds go to the troops and anything that doesn't go to the troops helps the fucking dying puppies that are dying because of the hurricane Katrina I mean he just worked every fucking thing in there I gotta admit it was a great little

hustle that he had going I think he sold more DVDs than I did so Dan if you listen to this the answer is no the next time we work together when you ask if you could I didn't know you're gonna say you fucking given all the money to the troops

Jesus Christ I really wanted to frisbee one of my DVDs Adam when he said that shit why the fuck didn't I do that um alright so there's that what else oh last night did anybody watch Breaking Bad this week's episode of Breaking Bad

and if you did did you happen to notice a handsome little fucking red bearded fellow in that episode did you happen to notice me I had a quick little seed in there huh who knew his lines I did

actually if you guys can if you can watch it this week it's the best scene I've ever gotten to do as an actor and I actually feel funny saying that as an actor as a thespian it's great I get to play a badass guy

you know so you obviously know that I'm acting so I'm actually gonna check out the episode today just because I didn't watch it last night I waited for the reviews and if people were just like dude you sucked

I was I was gonna blow it off but it seemed that people enjoyed it so now knowing that they enjoy I mean I would have watched it eventually anyways but the embarrassment if people didn't like it would have been brutal and just FYI for everyone right now who's gonna write me and tell me that I sucked

I know what you're doing okay um anyways what the hell I just got a weird text I'm sorry for the infinimental divorce well jesus christ I can't read that online

alright alright here we go plowing the heads yeah so please check out uh this week's episode of break and ban if you're not watching that show I'm telling you the uh first two seasons are out on DVD first three seasons they got out on DVD right now and uh you know I know there's a ton of shows out there there's a lot

of stuff you can watch um and take a chance on most of it sucks this show here is unbelievable I 100% I put all my money on it you enjoying this show

so uh please check it out please check it out and get caught up and then uh watch season 4 because I actually got to get into a couple of episodes which I still can't believe I still cannot fucking believe it um so that's it there we go did I do an hour

did I give you guys an hour fuck what can I do now how about I sing some campfire songs actually I can't do that because I never joined the Cub Scouts and you know why I didn't I didn't because I didn't like the uniform and I was I just my

my gut told me that if I went down to the bus stop wearing that shirt and actually said I'm a Cub Scout I just really I just really I just saw the ass kicking coming you know but what's funny now

is years later I wish I went into scouting even if I got molested in a tent somewhere you know just to learn how to start a fire without a match all that MacGyver shit I wish I went all the way up to Eagle Scout you know what's great about being an Eagle Scout

that really helps you if you ever get put on trial upstanding said a city it was an Eagle Scout if you can throw that out there nothing a defense attorney likes better than that you were an Eagle Scout as fucking dick gets hard good good what else

what did you make pies I actually did that too sir speaking of pies I got an email from a fat guy this week he says fat guy feng shui I'm on my cell phone right now trying to read this so please forgive me please find it in your little

podcasting hearts to forgive me oh speaking of podcasts how about that great interview with Tom Green last week huh how do you top that that should be a question how do I top that wonderful interview with Tom Green how could I get closer to this man I'll tell you

I can get closer September 30th he's at the Wilba Theater taping his one hour stand up special and I'm telling you don't sleep on this guy I know a lot of you thinking yeah easy fucking he does a talk show he's a TV staff is he gonna be funny doing stand up

I've seen him live he's fucking great please go down and support him laugh your ass off at his special because not only is he funny he's a fucking great guy he really is he's one of the good ones so there you go at the Wilba Theater here in Boston alright let's let's get on to fat guy

feng shui alright Bill I wanted to let you know fat people hate fat people too I wanted to send you some thoughts not too many from a considerate citizen of fat America yeah I've noticed since I went off on the fat guy

on the on the airplane I've had fat people just tall people in general go I try to be real considerate of how big I am I try to make sure I get an aisle seat I lean out in the aisle you shouldn't have to deal with that and then actually you know what's great about this now I

can't really make fun of fatties anymore knowing that so many of them they seem like decent people how fucking what kind of a backhanded compliment was that you know I thought they were all pieces of shit but it turns out most of them most of them alright

alright here we go he says I'm a big fat guy I'm usually the fattest guy in the room no matter where I go do you get intimidated when when you're not the fattest guy you know sort of like the toughest guy in town all of a sudden goes to another town realizes that somebody can kick his ass

and his whole world crumbles anyways he says my whole family's fat and I've been fat since I've been born not to make any excuses I'm just naturally predisposed to it and I eat like a typical middle American

middle American not vegetarian but not 24 7 beer and brats either anyway I'm fat and I just wanted to let you know that not all of us fatties are inconsiderate assholes the stereotype of the jolly fat man has been replaced

by the selfish asshole who's fat when I fly which isn't frequently I buy two seats nice my sister is with me we buy a row of three and always bring along our own seat belt extenders

yes they sell them okay this is this is hilarious and fucking sad all at the same time the plane only carries two to three extenders and you never want to be the guy who holds up the plane because you can't buckle or worse

get kicked off ah Jesus that's got to be embarrassing oh my god this is this guy's killing me right here this guy is this is a brilliant email he's going to make me never make fun of fatties again I'm actually he's now I'm he's bringing me into their world

he goes those things cost $80 but it's worth $80 to avoid public embarrassment right absolutely they told me to tone down the color of my hair I would buy a fucking swimming cap rather than have them stop the flight just so you know

fat people like me don't get to buy clothes in the same stores as normal people yes I did know that the selection slash styles suck and they cost more we pay more for bigger cars extra plane tickets and bigger clothes among other things I haven't done the math but I

figure we burn through furniture faster too it's the price we pay for the life we lead even if it's not a conscious choice believe me no one wants to be fat but that's the cost of doing business this guy's fucking hilarious just

like how they are added there are added cost to being a woman bras makeup pills etc or gay or being gay he writes question mark chaps lube I don't know or a parent or a paraplegic or whatever not that it's a disability

it's just our lot in life but you know what I've accepted it I live my life accordingly I'm not an asshole who imposes on others I stay to the back of any pack make sure no one will ever have to walk or sit behind me when I can help it it's the fat guy

feng shui how do you how do you dislike this guy when I enter a room or a situation I always ask where do I fit in literally and figuratively whenever I have to eat lunch with my work group

about 20 people and we're seated at a long table I never sit between the table in the wall and I usually sit at the end know why I don't want I want to make as few people uncomfortable as possible I don't want anyone to have

to squeeze behind me to get out and sitting between two people just is them both ops or so I assume Jesus Christ this guy's like a fat Gandhi when I have to carpool with a group it helps to drive or have shotgun because

then I'm not squeezing the other people in the back seat the thing that makes me hate fat people capital letters hate fat people is that they don't seem to realize that they're fat they are impulsive and selfish and don't seem to consider that what a normal guy eats

that when a normal guy eats a giant turkey leg at Disneyland it's a lame and kind of funny oh it's lame and kind of funny but when a fat guy does it it's disgusting or maybe they just got fat and haven't figured it out hey fatty don't sit there because

now everyone has to squeeze past you I like this guy he's trash and fat people now or hey don't act like you're entitled to that to put your arm around your airplane seat mate because it makes you more comfortable for you makes it more comfortable for you you asshole he just keeps going here or hey

if you got to eat in public don't smear barbecue sauce all over your face at the church picnic or eat more than two donuts in a sitting parentheses airport and you know what when I swim in public rarely I keep my shirt on until the second before

I get in the pool I don't ride the elevator from my hotel room and walk down the hall to the Hampton Inn pool shirtless because I'm a fat fuck and no one wants to see that I used to swim with my shirt on but somehow that's even worse anyways

for what it's worth have a good week thanks for the hilarity you know what that guy's alright you know what I bet there's more fat people like that than there's not so maybe I ought to lay off the fatties for half a second I'm just doing this just to fucking

you know this is what this podcast is it's like a smoker and every once in a while you just you gotta you gotta I don't even know what you gotta do you gotta throw a little wet wood in there that's what that was I think I'm gonna leave the fatties alone I think they're actually really considerate people

I think I was wrong about it the entire time see that now I'm gonna wait for the backlash alright guys that's 58 fucking minutes I only read one goddamn email is there an overrated in here you know what let's hype my shows that I have

coming up not this weekend the next weekend the weekend of October 8th I'm gonna be at the improv in Irvine Texas with me and the wonderful the always lovely Paul Verzi

Paul Verzi the New Jersey native by the way ask Paul what it was like to be Verzi VIRZI ask him what it was like to grow up in New Jersey because he didn't grow up in New Jersey and has an absolute disdain for people from Jersey he hates Jersey

he calls it dirty Jersey he feels he's a cut above despite the fact that I believe when he opens the windows to his fucking living room he can actually see Jersey you know it's the classic shit everybody every state hates the next state over

Georgia the people of Georgia think they're somehow less inbred than the people of fucking Alabama alright I gotta tell you I'm standing outside that dog fight and from where I'm standing up there on the Yankee bluff I gotta tell you y'all look like your fucking your sisters

what do you think about that is that enough to get you guys to join sides again and maybe try to secede from the union you know something I missed all the college football this week and speaking of college football that weekend that I'm gonna be in Irvine Texas is the week

it's the weekend of the Red River rivalry game Red River rivalry game RRR alliterations motherfucker alliterations alliteration and I'm gonna be there at the Cotton Bowl eating whatever deep fried thing they make I'm gonna eat it

I'm going there and I don't know who I'm gonna root for because I love both teams which makes no sense in the Tex, Arcana, Oklahoma area of this country what the fuck you mean you like both buddy that's like locking the Yankees and the Red Sox you gotta pick the side

you either a Longhorn or you a Sooner you're either gay or straight you either like the Yankees or the Red Sox either Democrat or Republican go fuck yourselves I like both I think the Sooners are obviously gonna win you know Longhorns are rebuilding

they got another McCoy coming through is he the real McCoy ugh sorry and with that fucking horrific joke quite possibly the worst joke that I have ever told on the podcast is that it do I come down too hard on Dan Shaughnessy

I actually love Dan I've been reading his shit my entire fucking life I love that guy I love the Boston Globe and that type of shit but I gotta tell you Dan if you're listening for some reason your assistant is trying to get brownie points and they splice together all the horrific shit that I've criticized you about

for the love of God can you write a fucking positive article you know tell you what why don't you come on my podcast and we'll talk about it do a podcast select you know what I feel right now I feel like Bill O'Reilly after he trashes somebody then invites him to come on this show

so he can yell at him more I'm an asshole alright that's it that's the podcast for this week please come out and see me Irvine Texas on the weekend of October 8th after that I'm taking out my passport I'm going over to Europe I'm at the Leicester Square Theater

October 16th that show is fucking sold out and I want to thank Jimmy Carr for helping me do it Jimmy Carr major television star over there in jolly old England you know tickets were moving okay and then he sent out a tweet about it

giving me some props so I gotta say thank you to him and then after that I go over to Denmark, Copenhagen then I go to Oslo then Helsinki and then I end up in Stockholm Sweden that's it alright now bring in a bunch of DVDs over there ones that

play on your European Betamaxes or whatever the fuck you guys use over there and I hope I'm hoping there'll be no rioting I hope the Euro is stronger hope you guys all get some jobs the whole fucking world

in the same goddamn situation it's all because of these fucking banker cunts for some reason that just they don't talk about it you know did anybody watch the Republican national convention where they had everybody debating it was just an absolute exercise

in avoiding the 800 pound gorilla in the room and avoiding answering any questions and I'm at the point now where I don't even get annoyed by politicians it's like they can't answer them if they answer them honestly you get the convertible ride in Dallas I'm 100%

convinced of that cause there's no other reason not to answer those questions they spent a fucking hour talking about the economy blaming Obama which is what you do cause God knows if there was a bunch of Democrats there they would blame the Republican guy

right nobody brings up the banks nobody brings up the fact that we're fighting two fucking wars right now and whether you think the wars are right or whether you think they're wrong they're costing a ton of money we keep raising the debt ceiling what the fuck are we doing

now is being reimbursed those doctor fills or those Oprah Winfrey shows where they say there's this spouse the husband or the wife and then their spouse somehow is charging up

all the credit cards and they have no fucking idea that's how we're running the country right now we're acting like that spouse that just goes shopping and buys a bunch of shit that you don't fucking need to afford and you just keep doing it

and when you max out a card you go out and get another one I don't know how it's gonna happen am I really gonna end with the gloom and doom I should have just ended on that last awful joke but for some reason I thought about the convention my favorite dodging of a question

alright was and they just got this crowd of idiots who just will cheer all you have to do is go back to work and they all fucking start remember that Jim Florentine character from CrankYankers

where Florentine was joking doing it these people are actually serious by the way Jim Florentine has a fucking hilarious podcast and he talks a ton about sports so if I don't talk enough about sports or just in general please check out his podcast

but anyways this was my favorite um my favorite dodging of a question some but one of the guys running for president he basically wants to tax the rich or impose some sort of new tax on the rich

so they ask him the question they go well governor, senator whatever the hell he is what do you consider rich what's the number 500 grand a year 600 grand a year a million a year and his answer was

what a number on it I mean this is America I like to think everybody should be rich and then the crowd goes yeah what are you applauding he didn't answer the question

he just said I wish everybody in the crowd was rich too and that just made them feel good yeah I want to be rich this guy understands my needs you know you say that we should pull out of Afghanistan and then it's a losing battle

why do you think that well listen I just think it's really hot over there and I don't think it's still the end of the summer technically where I'm from so I think that's too hot a topic to discuss so I just think everybody should have a cup of ice cream

I like ice cream it's unreal it actually became hilarious and when I was watching it it reminded me of why I don't go to church because the same thing as I just kept sitting there going are you fucking kidding me

that's what I felt when I was watching that it's the exact same feeling I get when I go to church and I listen to these fucking stories about a hedge talking to a tree that has a bottomless bucket of fish that's walking on water you know I just can't get into it you know who I think should host the debates

I think John McEnroe should host it right so we can just every 5 seconds just go answer my question the question jerk that's all you need but it's not fair it's not fair

to want politicians to answer questions because there's no fucking answers you can't do it there is no answer how do you turn it around I don't know you'd have to go down to the Federal Reserve and ask them what they have what they have in store for us

I have no idea I am already microchipped every time I begin to answer something honestly there's a slight electrical shock sent to my liver so I'm just going to keep saying happy shit

and as always next election comes around the guy everybody that everyone says is crazy I'll be voting for that's the thing that's who I vote for because I'm a moron alright that's it my apologies to Dan Shaughnessy

for trashing you for the 9000th fucking time I'm going to start having dreams of your angry noodle head coming at me punching me in the face with a typewriter from the late 70's oh why don't we trash ESPN while we're at it those fucking guys trying to say this

Red Sox collapse is the greatest collapse of all fucking nothing would ever be as worse as 1978 alright that was the worst because the Yankees slit our throats we beat them all year then they slit our fucking throats and we hadn't won it

for almost a century at that point they fucking blew it and we let this little fucking little pipsqueak hit a three run homer that was fucking brutal alright this shit they've won two world series they've won two world series in the last seven years

alright it's life there's ups and downs you know when it's going great everything's going great you know in life the second you go everything's going great your car is going to break down something's going to happen

something has to balance it out so it's really not I guess mathematically it is but emotionally what really counts emotion it isn't alright guys go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week