Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-26-16

Episode Date: September 26, 2016

Bill rambles about books, sex suits and road rage.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, September 26, 2016. What's going on? Yesterday, September 25 was the 36th anniversary of the death of John Bonham. Why do I know that? Because I'm a nerd. All right, let's get into the podcast this week. Now, I don't have a lot of time to fucking sit here and try and brighten up your goddamn Monday. I've been doing these podcasts since 2007. At some point, I have to kick you people out of the nest and you have to learn how to find your own chuckles, your own happiness on a Monday. I don't know what I'm talking about. Anyways, let's just get right into it. People, last Thursday evening, if you owned a television

and you had it on, if you're not one of those annoying readers, you know what I mean? You know annoying readers are. They can't just go and do it. They got to let everybody know. I don't watch TV. Oh, good. Good. Well, guess what? Now we have nothing to talk about because I don't give a fuck about this. This is how little I read. I can't even name an author other than like Stephen King. And I know he's not one of the classics. Well, maybe he will be someday. Maybe the dead zone will be right up there with who's the guys fuck Christmas addicts. Is that the guy who started the Revolutionary War? Was he the first guy who was killed? Or did he write Scrooge? What the fuck was that guy's name? Well, now I know it was Christopher. It was Christopher

something. I read the fucking book. I read it. You know something? I read a bunch of classics as I was sick of people bringing them up and I didn't know what they were. You know, the Prince and the Popper. I read that one. I read the Count of Monte Cristo, which was like a fucking 600 page book. I read the whole fucking thing with my ADD. I mean, it took it took forever. Great book. I give it a thumbs up. Moby Dick, I couldn't get through the fucking thing because they kept breaking down whaling like I had nothing better to do, right? Like there was no TV and internet and all that shit in my life. Like back the books from back then, if you get like the original like copy of it, like how it was actually written, you understand the astounding

level of fucking boredom. You know, you just you had no you didn't have a car. You didn't have any money. You'd be like you had fucking shoes. Okay. And if somebody was nice enough to actually teach you how to read, you had a book like your heart was fucking racing. Oh my God, if I have a book, if I did, you fucking you get excited. You know, you, what was that book? One of those Huck Finn Tom Sawyer things, they give you whitewash, the whole fence will give you an apple. And he was excited. There weren't any Snickers, right? It was a fucking apple. Nature's sugar, as they say, right? And he was all fucking, he paid an old fucking fence for an apple. I love the apples are free. Just walk up to the goddamn

tree and you take it, right? Just like how this country was taken, right? We just walked right up. We just took it. Hey, you guys are already here. Yeah, move out, clear, clear it out. Now, keep moving, back it up, back it up, white people coming, right? It's probably the nicest way genocide was ever described. Hey, could you guys just back it up a little bit? Yeah, but now, you know, now there's no reason to read. And pretty soon, there's going to be no reason to even interact with other human beings. Now, when they make these, not only these these sex suits that they're working on so vigorously, I believe in Asia, as far as the videos that I've seen. Now, none of this, believe it or not, has really been researched.

I can't remember who the fuck. It was one of you lunatics who sent me the thing or if I saw it on TV. I never remember how I get information, but I distinctly remember seeing somebody laying down in a suit. Actually, it might have been the writer's room at Ephesus for family. I don't have any fucking short term memory anymore, right? It's probably all the fucking GMOs in my food, according to the hippie people down there at the farmer's market who go, look, man, this is, this is how big a chicken supposed to be, man. Those fucking GMOs, man. I don't know if there's GMOs in my food or not. You know why? Because they're flavorless. You can't taste them. You think if somebody was putting something in your food, you'd be like,

oh, what is that? What is that? I don't know how they're flavorless. It's kind of weird. Anyways, the fuck was I talking about? Oh, yeah. So this fucking guy was laying down in a suit. It looked like he was, uh, he was wearing one of those. Remember the GIMP from that Tarantino movie, right? Fast Times at Ridgemont High? What the fuck was it? Pulp Fiction, right? They had the GIMP. Well, he had a GIMP suit on, except it was like white. And I don't know if they just covered up his face so he wouldn't know his identity. But he was like, he had this, this fucking mummy thing on. He had the virtual reality glasses. And then there was something on his dick. I don't know what it was doing. It was like the flashlight, except it was the automatic version. No, be a

flashlight is automatic. That's battery powered, right? That is the creepiest goddamn fucking thing in the, in the, in the history of man. I met Thomas doing a podcast and this person had one, and he goes, look at this thing. Check this thing out. It's like, it was like, you put your dick in that. Um, anyways, the dude was just laying there. What I'm trying to say is they're working on these fucking virtual reality sex suits. Okay. So once these things, they get them to a fucking level, like, look how good they've made video games. Okay. And I haven't played since Grand Theft Auto 3, because that game was so fucking great. It just took over my life. I can't imagine what it's what they like now. So I'm saying is once they have the sex suit things going on, like you're gonna,

you're gonna deal with your wife. Would you even have a wife? I don't want to hear that horseshit about companionship and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and all of that crap. You get that all out of the way when you put on your mummy suit. You know what I mean? You lay down, you fucking dial up whatever you want. Hey, I want to, I want to be in a, I want to be in a pizza parlor. I want to have fucking mozzarella sticks, right? And then his chick comes over and goes, here's your check. And then I say, yeah, I ain't got the money. And then for some reason, she blows me. But it, can I dial up where I can actually also be eating the mozzarella sticks? And, and, you know, Siri will be in there and be like, I don't think that'll be a problem. Dang. And then

it's going to be happening when you can fucking do that in the future. It's a wrap. It's fucking over. You know what I mean? I wonder if he gave like a sex offender, like one of those suits, would he stop fucking trying to snatch people, you know, be like, dude, dial up whatever you want. You fucking lunatic, just stay away from us. Probably wouldn't, you know what I mean? Because at the end of the day, you know, you know, you fucking hilarious is book readers would actually still be fucking real people. Yeah, you know, I don't have a sex. I'm just, I like the actual, you know, I thought the person was better. It's like, we shut the fuck up. Wow. I don't know what the hell just happened. I don't know how I got on that. What was that

fucking eight minutes of shit? All right, 52 to go. It's not bad. I was saying, if you were near a television, if you were near a goddamn TV, do you have a TV in your life? Okay. If you're not one of these fucking readers, these people who are informed, these people who know who their governor is, you know what I mean? They know all the words to the national anthem, you know, they've memorized all the flags around the world. You know, those people, they just can't get enough of doing excruciatingly boring things, you know, they fucking, they're the kinds of people that when they buy something, they like read the instructions, the whole fucking book, and they know how their whole phone works. All these are all these are all the people that, you know, you don't really hate

them, which you really, you hate yourself because you know, they're doing the right thing. There's nothing worse than when you're a fucking dope like me to be near somebody that is doing the right thing. Because when you see them doing the right thing, there's that voice in the back of your head that you really try to drown out, you know, that saying like, Bill, that's, that's what you should be doing. You know you should be doing that, right? You know if you did that, you know, you'd stop having these ridiculous rants about technology and how fucking stupid it is. The reality is, is you lack the focus to get through an eight page pamphlet, most of which are pictures with arrows pointing at the shit that the words are talking about. You can't get through that. And

this person reminds you of that. So rather than being a fucking adult and just sitting down and opening the fucking booklet, you start yelling at the thing like it's a person. This is really just sort of therapy. I tried to set up Apple TV the other day and, you know, I just, I know how I am now. I just told my wife to do it. She's like, I have to do it. I said, yeah, you have to do it, right? She goes, why go because you are, you're wired, no pun intended, better than I am for these types of situations, right? So she fucking, I'll break down right here. The difference between me and my wife, right? She fucking got in there. So I'm sitting out in the backyard, right? Drinking a Miller and she's in there. And I'm just listening to her sort of talking out loud, figuring it out.

And then she got to one point and it fucked up. And then she, she laughed and went, oh no, something like that. And I said, I would never, ever emotionally be there. I would, that right there was where I'd be like, what the fuck, fuck this fucking thing. You know, I would flip out. She just left. Okay. Now, here's the difference between us. So the other last night, I'm at a buddy's of my house, house, right? There's like eight of us and we're fucking smoking a cigar and or cigars, I should say, we're not passing around like a joint, which is why I never got into smoking weed. It's like, it was the most disgusting thing is I think it's passed around and shit. You know, I was always sitting there like, is, can I have my own?

No offense, fellas, you know, I really like you guys. But could I have my own that only my mouth touches? It's fucking dirty, hippie fucking pot smoking sons of bees. So we're over there. And we're fucking smoking. And somebody just points, he's got this big window in his house, and his light is on, and somebody points to the window and he's like, dude, what the fuck? And we look and there's this mouse, like climbing up the fucking window. Ironically enough, we were just talking about working with monkeys, you know, in movies and shit. And like, and wild animals and stuff. And I was talking out, I would never fight. That's a deal breaker. I don't give a fuck how much money there's no

fucking way I'm working with the monkey. Because those things routinely fucking just they snap, you know what I mean? Everybody looks at, Oh, look, he's got a little hat on and a vest. Somehow it's not a chimpanzee anymore. That is the ability to rip my foot off my body. Fuck that thing. Fuck that thing. All right, I'm not working with it. I just got done saying that. And then when we saw the mouse, it all went out the fucking window. Seeing, you know, we're trying to corner this thing. Right. This is when you really realize what people are like, when you get into like a crisis like this. So I got this Tupperware thing. I don't know why I didn't grab like a mop handle or something, but I'm in shorts and

shit. And all I'm thinking is that this fucking thing bites me. Do I got to get those 70 rabies shots to the stomach? And I'm sitting there, right? The fucking liberal trying to capture this thing and shoe it out the window. And then my buddy, the conservative is fucking goes, he literally the things went up the curtain and was way up on the curtain. This guy's got this fucking was like 12 foot fucking ceiling. This old house, you know, and it's all the way up there on the curtain. And the conservative dude goes, get some WD 40 in a match. It's like any serious. It's like, dude, you want to burn this? Do you want to hear the sound of a mouse burning alive? You want that on your fucking hard drive? Not to mention it's on curtains. You know,

I don't know what sort of sniper you think I am with this fucking shit. I'm not doing that. So anyways, so the thing fucking like lightning quit, like I threw the Tupperware at it to get to crawl back down the curtain. We're like, where is it? Where is it, dude? And like fucking Barry Sanders zigzags between all of us takes off down the hall and goes through the only open door into the bathroom. So my buddy's in there. He's got it. And he's got like the fucking Tupperware thing. And I'm going and I'm going to close the door, close the door, but it's he doesn't want to be, I don't close the door and be in there with the fucking mouse because it's still creepy. So I'm going to shut the fucking door, shut the fucking door. And he, uh,

he won't shut the door and all of a sudden the thing starts running out. And I gave it the old fucking right pad save kicked it back into the room. Right? It was like kicking a sock too. You could I could barely feel it. I'm sure it felt different to the mouse and it was hilarious and fucking fucking hit my buddy right in his knee and he was wearing fucking shorts and he fucking jumps up in the air. And then the fucking thing ran out again, got down on the stairs and I'm fucking good. Like with this Tupperware thing, trying to get the fucking thing. And then finally, like, and where it ran, like there wasn't a good amount of light and I fucking had it. I heard it squealed and they

turned the light on and I got the thing down and the things on its back looking up on me, its whole body is in the Tupperware and I'm right down on its neck and it's just looking up at me. And I got to tell you something right now, the thing was fucking adorable, fucking adorable. So I was able to, you know, quickly get its fucking head in there. And then the things in there, like making this squealing noise and I'm like, I'm sorry, buddy, sorry, buddy, we're almost there. And I just slid it across the floor as it was freaking out. So I get it all the way to the door and then there's, you know, that piece of wood there between the door and outside. Now I got to fucking lift it up. I start to lift it up immediately. Its fucking gross tail is sticking

out. And I'm like, fuck, if this thing runs back in the house, then we got to do this shit all over again. And then what if I get bit? So I just held it down the Tupperware thing down and I sort of stood up with my hands still on it, brought my foot back, closed the door as much as I could, and I just fucking booted the thing. And it just took off like a maniac down the driveway. And the mouse lived, lived to tell another fucking tale. And that's what I'm good at. You get a fucking mouse in the house. I'll fucking, I'll get out some Tupperware and I'll fucking get rid of it. All right, but if you want me to set up Apple TV, like, I actually enjoyed catching the mouse. I was never like, even when I was running around,

I wasn't frustrated. I never felt any anger. When I saw the mouse there, I didn't have any urge to kill it. I thought it was fucking adorable. And then I just let it go. And the mindset I was in that entire time during that, that, you know, moderately challenging point in my life, if I could just be in that mindset, when, you know, I'm trying to fucking download something or anything like that, I feel like, I feel like my wife would have like 70% less shit to complain about when it comes to me. You know what I mean? If I could just somehow get in that mindset. It was fun. You run around, you get the blood going. Like when we all went back, we all went back to smoking cigars, we're all laughing our balls off.

You know, afterwards guys go, hey, you fucking did this, you were scared and blah, blah, blah. Then we were like, dude, who the fuck said get WD 40 in a match? And we all just started laughing. We're like, dude, you're definitely voting for Trump. Get his coat. Get his coat. Take his coat. Right. So anyways, so I'm beginning to like delegate now, shit like that. I'll just like, because my wife, you know, your wife, okay. And you know, women in general, women in general, are just inherently fucking lazy. They don't want to do shit. It's not like they're lazy. They're just too fucking smart to have to do most of the shit. And if they have a guy in their life, he's dumb enough to fucking do it. So all they got to do is a couple little

pouty face fucking things. And they get to sit on the couch, right? And that's why they're always saying, Oh, it's easy if you do lose weight. It's like, no, it's because every time there's a fucking country job, I got to go do it. Can you take the recycling out? That's cardio, sweetie. Why am I always on the fucking elliptical? Anyways, that was not none of this was what the fuck I wanted to talk about what I wanted to talk to you about is if you were near a fucking TV on Thursday, all right, and you're any sort of a any sort of a goddamn American, you put on what? You put on my don't just started wagging its tail. Like what I was doing somehow had something to do

with her. You watch Thursday night football and what you saw, what you saw, what patriot fans saw, what cold fans saw, what Jim, the fucking biggest baby in NFL history, Jim Ursa saw was the solidification, that's even a word of a man. Be like undeniably, he became that night, the greatest coach of all time. Okay, that's it. It's not even debatable. You know how it's not debatable. Even people who hate the Patriots can't criticize Bill Belichick anymore. All they say is like, Oh, that guy could win with them. You could be out there and he could win with you. So they have to sort of shit on Tom Brady. Tom Brady, that's the closest you'll get a Patriot hater to say that Bill Belichick is the greatest

coach of all time. He has to stay up to somehow take away Tom Brady, who fucking drove his team to the go ahead score in all six Super Bowls that he was in with under two minutes left. Two times, no disrespect to Eli, his defense failed them. I can never take it away from Eli. Eli beat us, right? Well, they're front four beat us the first time, but you know what I'm saying. But when Tom had the fucking ball, he didn't, he didn't kneel or Donald it. He Joe Montana, it's the six fucking times six for fucking six. I don't give a fuck how great a coach you are. You can't teach a guy to fucking do that. And all these fucking dopes out there who are acting like we beat the Texans in week three. That's the same fucking thing.

As, you know, doing it the first week in fucking February. But anyways, what you're really seeing in New England is the greatest coach of all time, the devastation, devastating combination of the greatest fucking coach of all time, arguably top three, four quarterback of all time. All right, because I'm open Johnny, United's Joe Montejo, Montana needed four attempts to win four Super Bowls, not six, you know, so I give him the edge there. And there's always some other fucking guy and some of the, somebody can give me a good argument for, and I say, I fucking throw him this. Tom's like, what a four or five, what the fuck you want to say? Even if you put him at five,

that's still, you know, ridiculous. All right. And then our owner, I think is on his way to be in top three owner of all time. And if you want to fucking argue with me, here's his three coaching hires since he's been there. Bill Parcells, old pistol Pete Carroll before anybody knew pistol Pete was a fucking great coach. He hired him and Bill Belichick. Okay, Bill Parcells, Pete Carroll, Bill Belichick and fucking 26 years old on the team, 24 fucking years old team. That's who the fuck he's had. His quarterbacks drew Bledsoe and fucking Tom Brady. All right. So, so all you people there who try to make it seem like it's just one person, like you need, you need all three components. You got to have the ownership, you got to have

the coaches and you got to have the fucking players. All right. However, of the three headed monster there, one of them is without a doubt the greatest of all time. And that is Bill Belichick. And that's why I actually tweeted that Patriot fans are actually enjoying this suspension more than Jim Ursay and it's fucking true because all it's, if we fucking somehow beat the bills next week, all right, now that Bassett is fucking fucked up his thumb and we're going to have to have Edelman at quarterback. And if you looked at the highlights of Edelman playing quarterback at Kent State, you understand why he was not drafted as an NFL quarterback because there's no fucking way he would have survived. Half of the highlights are him running all over the goddamn

field. And then the other half is him on his fucking tippy toes, throwing the goddamn ball, trying to see over the fucking linemen or whatever. Like I, like I know what a court professional quarterback looks like. I'm just saying the second I see a guy running around all over the field, it's like, yeah, you're not going to do that long in the NFL. Because you know, they may, they might get out, get you the first week, they might not get you the second, they might not get you for a couple of years, but one of those days, they're going to get you. Oh, they're going to get you. And they're going to fuck you up when they do. And all it takes is that one fucking hit and all of a sudden you lose half a step and then you're fucked. Okay,

because all that time, you know, I feel like all that time you've been fucking running around, just felt like that guy reservoir dogs, you know, so you like to tell jokes, giggling like a bunch of school girls. Well, I got a joke for you. 12 guys sitting around a bullpen wondering how the fuck they got there. What do we do? What should we have done? All of a sudden they realize, you know, all that time we were joking around, we should have been planning this cable, whatever the fuck it goes. So anyways, the guy who loses a half a fucking step, same thing. He starts thinking, you know, all that time I was running around, I should have been learning the fucking position. And now you know, not a thing, you know, you don't, you don't, you don't fucking stand,

stand tall in pocket. Your first instinct is to run for your fucking life. You've lost half a step and then boom, you take the next fucking hit. And now you're fucked. Now you're fucked. And then that's the end of your career. And hopefully you got three years in. So you got the pension, which is something we learned last night, three years, you get played three seasons, and then you get the NFL pension, you know, which starts at 55. For bastards. That's right around the time when you fucking concussions. I don't know. Do you really know that for back? No, I don't. Just shut the fucking bill. So anyways, the Patriots are three and out. And how about those bills yesterday? All they came to life. All those people in Buffalo who

were ready to say to the big flounder there, whatever his fucking name is. I love that. I can't remember. Rex Ryan, because he's been so fucking quiet over the years. They were all ready to tell him they hit the fucking bricks. Hey, Rex, Rex, why don't you and your fucking carnival ride looking brother, right? He looks like he runs like the tilt world. Why don't you guys go down to Duffy's, get yourself some wings, bring your bags, bring your bags. This is going to be a one way ticket. Okay, get on a fucking bus and go to Toronto and take over the fucking Argonauts. Okay. You're when you're coaching the Buffalo bills, if you fucking lose that job, if you get fired from that fucking job, the next stop, it's not even college football. You're in the

CFL. And I usually say no disrespect, but I mean that as disrespectful as possible towards the CFL. Okay, and here's the deal. Nobody in Canada gives a fuck. Okay, they're all about the hockey. And you know something, speaking of that, I missed all the world championship hockey like a fucking asshole. I heard it was amazing. All right. Sorry, I can't do my podcast and have to type in a fucking password at the same time. What was I talking about? I was talking about Rex Wright and fucking World Cup hockey, whatever the fuck that is. I was making fun of the CFL. Hey Bill, we all know what you were doing. You're the one who lost his fucking place. All right, relax. There's no reason to get hostile.

So I think, I don't know, with Edelman at quarterback, which is what it's looking like, it is a home game. I say, this is my prediction, knowing nothing about football on any professional level. I say, if Jimmy Garoppolo is back, we win that game. I think if, I don't know, anybody else is playing, I don't know, but said, I don't know if he can play. I just think, I just think it's, that's going to be a really tough one because what's his face? Rex Ryan has a fucking hard on for us and he's got a great defense and looks like the, you know, I don't, this year's been really fucking weird. Like you'd see like, like Arizona Cardinals beat the fuck out of Seahawks, right? And then you're thinking like, wow, they beat the Seahawks. I know that they don't have

Marshawn Lynch and all these guys are kind of a differ there. And then one of those weird years, not great, not fucking bad, but they got Pete Carroll, but they beat the fuck out of them. And then they go to Buffalo that hasn't won a game and then they get the shit kicked out of them by the bill. So I, it's too early in the season. I don't know who's who. I don't know what's what. I don't know who's shot. I don't know who's not, but I think it's going to be a really tough game. And I really hope that we win because if we lose, I know that Rex Ryan is going to do some classless fucking, you know, one of his corny ass John Wayne fucking, he's nothing worse than a fat guy with swagger. I'm such a dick sometimes. All right, God bless him. All right, here we go.

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whole fucking trip. Well, my part of the trip, I should say, and I was going to go on a shark cage while I chummed the fucking water. And I was going to go with Great White Sharks swimming by me. I was all set to go. Everything was a go in all of this shit. And then this fucking business, you know, there was this edit and this fucking, I just couldn't get out of it. And I had to, I couldn't fucking go. And I was devastated, but I'm happy that I got done what needed to get done. And if you guys want to see what I missed out on, go to Dean Delray's. I'm sure he's already uploading pictures. He's getting back now. And he actually, he's the reason why I went because he went years ago. And do like the pictures look like discovery channel shit. And I'm terrified

of fucking sharks. But I also I want to see a Great White Shark at some point in my life. And to the universe and a safe fucking way. I don't want to be on a sinking ship and be like, oh, I finally got to see one, right? So I wasn't able to do it. But I, so not only do I not get to do this, okay? And I ended up having to edit all these fucking episodes and shit, because even though the show wasn't coming out until spring of next year, we're still in crunch time, because that's how doing a show works. There's never enough time. There's never enough money. They can't fucking, it's just, it's just, and you're always behind. Somehow we just have to fucking get this done now. Or we're going to be fucked. We're going to be fucked. It's just, it's just that 24 seven,

right? So I'm glad that I did that, but fucking blows. So anyway, so I'm back here. All right, and I'm driving around Los Angeles and at rush hour, I pull up to this fucking stoplight. And it's like, there's two lanes of cars. All right, there's like two people in front of me. I stop and next to me, you know, there's three people. And that's as far, you know, I don't even look at the rear of your mirror. And I'm just sitting there, one 1000, two 1000, three 1000, four 1000. And then I hear what sounds like a fucking explosion. Just boom. And I went, whoa. And then I get, I don't even remember somebody hit my car. Right? I don't even remember feeling that all I know is

I just saw this fucking Prius just driving right down the fucking middle of all of the stop cars. Just just went right by me. Sorry about yours right there. Just right. And just side view fucking mirrors just flying off every car right down the side of my car. And, and he just comes to, or he or she comes to a stop, all the airbags deployed in this person's car on the side. I couldn't even see who was in it. So all I'm thinking is like, oh my god, fucking obviously classic example of texting while driving. His motherfucker was looking down and at the last second was like, fuck and just tried to shoot through the middle. So I, you know, I hate when people get in the little fender benders like that and then they

just get out of their car and they leave the car where it's at. It's like, well, you just drive the fucking thing over, get it out of the fucking way so people behind you can get out of there. So what I did was I pulled, you know, there was like a street, you know, a couple feet up and I just pulled into that street and pulled over and the person still hasn't gotten out of the car. Everybody else that this person hit is out of their cars now and we're waiting for this person to get out and I'm thinking like, oh my god, like, are they unconscious? Did they hit their fucking head? I mean, that really sounded the impact was unbelievable, right? I get out of my car and all I have is this on the side of my car, all the person got was the side view mirror,

but it's bent all the way the fuck back. So like, basically you could pull up next to me and you could like brush your teeth in the mirror because it's pointed right at you if you were parallel to me. So finally the fucking car door opens and I actually felt bad for the person. I was like, oh my god, they're going to be so embarrassed. They're going to be fucking mortified or whatever and who's the exact opposite? This dude gets out and he just starts cursing everybody out. He got out of the car yelling at us. This fucking guy just hit five people and he's like, you motherfucking fucking, he's going, fuck you, you fucking bitch. And now of course people are videoing this person. All right. And he starts, you fucking bitch, you fucking,

this is the person you should be, get video or her, you fucking, fuck all you guys. And well, I'm like, this guy was like, he was so fucking committed to yelling at us for half a second. I started thinking like, yeah, what did I do wrong when I was just sitting there at the traffic like not hitting anybody. So the funniest thing ever, right? These people start to engage this person in the argument. It's like, why would you waste your time arguing? This guy just hit five people with the car and he's yelling at us. He's literally knee deep inside view, fucking mirrors. Like, do you really think that you're going to, you're going to say anything to this guy and he's going to stop mid screaming and be like, okay, fair enough. Yeah, that's a

good point. Didn't look at it that way. So I just start laughing. I mean, it was just, it was fucking a list. I just hit five fucking people and now he's yelling at us. It was, was fucking hilarious, right? So he gets into his car and he grabs like three backpacks and he puts them on himself and he goes, get used to it. This is what this is what LA is going to be like. And everybody's like, whoa, hey, hey, post nine, 11, what the fuck does that mean? He yells at the lady more, calls her a bitch another couple of times. And I don't know if they were both fucking jockeying for a position or he felt she cut him off, but I think this guy just went total fucking road rage. He just picked a spot and he's like, I'm fucking getting there for before you and I

don't give a shit. This guy just fucking snaps. So he grabs his fucking backpacks and then just walks away, walks down the street like fucking, I was joking with my buddies like Andy Griffith, when he's taken opi to go fishing, he just fucking walked away. And I was like, this guy's out of his fucking mind. He just, he just fucking, he hit out, he hit us, he's yelling at us and he walks away like I'm done with this shit. Like one of the greatest displays of entitlement I've ever seen in my fucking life. I mean, what if there was a pregnant lady he hit? I mean, this guy hit this fucking first person so hard. I looked down, I thought it was a hubcap. It was this chunk of a rim. I said to the cop, I go, is that plastic? He goes, no, that's metal. That's the rim.

It's like, Jesus Christ. So he, by the time the cops get there, that guy's just gone. He is gone. That ball is gone. So I call up a buddy of mine, because now I'm like fucking pissed going like, Jesus, the arrogance of this guy. And then I'm thinking all that shit. I just, what, what, what if I went up and I just said, nobody, you shut the fuck up. And then I knocked him out. And then, you know, you go into your hero fucking thing. Yeah. What if I did that? Oh, wait, that's right. I'm a pussy, you know? Oh, wait, I have, I don't like getting punched in the face. Oh, that's why I don't have even a white belt in any martial art. That, that, oh, that's why, that's why I sat there and did nothing. Oh, I forgot. That's right. That's why I did nothing,

right? So I call up a buddy of mine who's a lawyer. I remember a long time ago, I got into with this woman and we went up to the stoplight and she was like, you know, she beeped at me. So I beat back at her and she beeped at me. I beat back to her and then she just fucking hammered the horn all the way up to the light, like 400 yards, stops and holds it down and staring at me in the rear view mirror. And the second it stopped, she held her horn down for 30 seconds. And the second it stopped, I just went and me and the woman I was with fucking started dying, laughing at her. And then she all of a sudden put her car in reverse, backed into me really lightly and then got out and reached into her glove box and I sat there like, oh my god,

is she getting a gun? What the fuck? And she wrote down my license plate number and then drove away. And I of course thought nothing of it. I was a young man and next thing you know, I'm on the road and I get this, I check in my, I'm checking my voicemail. It's like the 90s. This is how long ago this was. And it was just like, yeah, Mr. Burr, this is officers so and so from the El Segundo police department investigating a possible assault with a deadly weapon. Or whatever the fuck it is, because basically your car is a deadly weapon. Now isn't it battery if you actually hit somebody? I thought assault was either threatening somebody or making them feel like you're going to hit them or something like that. That's assault and battery, assault

and battery is actually doing it. So anyways, because of that fucking thing, I knew that, you know, watching this guy leave, I'm like, okay, that's five counts of assault with a deadly weapon. We got video of you screaming at everybody. So you can't say you were texting or listening to the radio. You basically admitted that what you did, you kind of did on purpose. We have you on video. Everyone knows what you look like. And then you left the scene of the accident. So I call up a buddy of mine who was a lawyer and I just left the message. I just want to know what kind of jail time is this guy looking at? How long is he going to go to jail? My buddy calls me back and he just goes, I go, yeah, I go to fucking believe it goes. Yeah,

man, that's crazy. And I go, how long is this guy going to go to jail for? Was that like three years? And he goes, you know, if he's a first offender, I mean, the jails are crowded. You know, he doesn't have any other priors or anything like that. He just has like a rage issue. They probably just suspend his license indefinitely. They send him some anger management things. And I was just like, no jail time. And he was like, when he got out of the car, like, what was he saying? And just, I couldn't believe I was like, you can you can fucking hit people, five people, five different people in a car. No concern for that. They're they're well being whatsoever. Get out, curse everybody out, leave and not fucking go to jail.

It's unbelievable. What the fuck do you have to do to go to jail? And he was just like, well, you're going to put him in jail and nobody becomes a better person when they go to jail. He's going to be in there with a bunch of fucking maniacs. So I actually feel irresponsible to let people know out there that you can basically do what this guy just did and you're not going to go to jail. I mean, I'm sure he's going to get arrested when they find him. I don't know. I was, I was pretty blown away by that. So there you go. Instead of looking at sharks, I got re-run by this guy. But I got to admit, every time I think about that guy yelling, it was fucking hilarious. And like, I start thinking like, was that just like a strategy for him to get the fuck out of there?

And everybody goes like, he was probably a stolen car. It's like, who the fuck steals a Prius? How do you start a Prius? How do you steal one? Can you hotwire the fucking thing? I don't know. I have no idea. So I love how he becomes like a fucking sleuth, you know? Well, yeah, probably what he, what was the circumstances? Oh, okay. Let me listen to you with your complete lack of fucking. That's why I call the lawyer. I don't want to talk to other people because that'd be, you'd probably get like seven years, you know? I never even took a lawyer class. Lawyer class. I never went to law school. I'm a moron. All right. I'm also trying to type in my password. So I immediately become extra fucking stupid. Did I type it in right?

Did I type it in right? Yes. Okay. Let's do some questions here for the week. Oh, by the way, congratulations to the Tennessee volunteers, man. Jesus Christ, what a fucking game versus Florida. SEC football at its fucking best. They hadn't beat Florida in 11 years. They came close a couple of times only to come up short, right? So Tennessee got their asses whooped in the first fucking half. They get booed off the field by their own fan base, right? They come out, they make the halftime adjustments and all of a sudden the scoring in the game stops. It's like 21-3. Tennessee couldn't do a fucking thing with the ball, but now all of a sudden Florida can't, you know, they're still up 21-3, but they're not scoring anymore. And they're getting stops. And

all of a sudden Tennessee starts moving the fucking ball and they score 21-10. The crowd starts coming to life. All right. They get another stop. Florida's defense goes back out in the field. They're getting tired. They're breathing through their mouths, right? And next thing you know, fucking bam, bam, like Mr. Blonde, a lot of reservoir dogs references this week, fucking, they just went on this fucking run and they like five out of six drives, their last drives, they scored touchdowns. The next thing you know, it's fucking like 38 to 21 or something like that. And there's like a minute and a half left. And one of the coolest things I said, they went up into Tennessee's like the coach's box when they're up there, you know, the guys down there, the fucking,

the generals up there, right? And they circled this one guy, Gary Danielson circles this one guy, he goes, you see this guy right here? And they had this total intense look on his face. He goes, that guy was brought to Tennessee for one reason, to beat Florida. And I was just like, that's the fucking shit. That's like one of the badass thing. Like, what are you doing here? What are you doing here in Knoxville? And you can actually legitimately sit at a bar and be like, I came to Knoxville for one reason. That's to be Florida. And not be totally wouldn't be wouldn't be as cheesy as that. You could actually fucking be telling the truth. So he guy was brought in for one reason. And that was to beat Florida. And the fucking guy did it. And he showed no emotion until three, two, one,

and then when it was over, he jumped up and hugged the guy next to him. And that's just, you know, I can't imagine how much money is getting stuffed into the front pocket of his fucking button down by all, by all those boosters, the boosters, man. What a fucking game. People were going fucking crazy. It was just, it was just one of the, it was every, Vern Lunk was said, he said, you know, if you don't like that, you don't like college football. He didn't have a Southern accent, but I just, I don't know, it was Tennessee, man. And once again, bucket list. You know, I want to go to a Florida Gator home game, which I'm fucking going to in a couple of weeks against LSU. Speaking of which, happy trails, as they say, on PTI to Les Meyers.

Got a great fucking run there. I mean, that's how it always ends. It always ends with you getting fired. So as much as people bitch moan and complain about the guy, he did win a championship. I know people, it was Nick Saban's team. I go, fuck yourself. You know, okay, so was Nick Saban's team. And you know what? He didn't drive it into a fucking tree and they missed the playoff. You know, like a certain guy who went 11 and five with the Patriots the year after the fucking Super Bowl. The Matt Castle debate. Holy fucking shit. That, that will never end. Dude, Matt Castle. Well, what about when he went to Kansas City and they, he was so bad that they cheered when he fucking got hurt? Well, that was because that was Kansas City. Well, Joe Montana went to Kansas City

and all of a sudden Kansas City went to the playoffs playoffs. All right. I just don't know how fucking more basic it could be. But no, you're right. Matt Castle, Tom Brady. Yeah, there's, there's no difference. Oh, Jesus. All right. Hypodermics, hydrophonics. Dear Billy Baldo, the bollock brain, bollock brain. Bull, you prefer, I'm having a real problem in a startup I'm launching. I'm pitching that about hydrophonics to people who have no idea about it. Is this like a commercial that's disguised as a fucking question? How can I make it relatable to the common man? It's the best way to grow plants using the least land and water with much less chemicals. Oh, dude, you're fucking with blue blood money here. You better keep this under wraps,

dude, or you'll just, I don't know, commit suicide somehow conveniently. I made an invention that slashes the costs to less than half of the current system, but pitching it and getting people interested is a big challenge. Any advice? Yeah, I would do what the guy, the Tesla guy did. You just do it yourself. Cause like the best case scenario is if what you're doing is true is you'll pitch it to a corporation, they will buy it and they will never use it, but they will own it and then no one else can use it. Like that's what they would do. Um, so anyways, he said, uh, but, uh, but, uh, any advice, hydrophonics can really change the global farming for the better.

Saw your show in Bristol with my team and really enjoyed it. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Um, yeah, I would try, you need to find for something like that. I would say that you need to find people that are, you need to find the rebels. All right. Those rare people who actually have money and, um, aren't giving it to politicians, aren't best friends with all the fucking cops and just totally in the system. You got to find people outside of that who want to be like, yeah, this is bullshit, uh, coming here with an idea and let's try to fucking put it back. I mean, you're probably going to have to give up part ownership of it. Um, there's all of that, but, you know, if what you're saying is actually real and it does work, I would say, even if you owned

a piece of that, you're going to be fine financially. But, um, now how you find those types of people, I have no idea, but what I would try to do, I mean, can you literally Google the top 10 fucking people with money that, you know, ah, Jesus Christ, this is all going off the rails. You don't want to say it. I would not go the corporate route because like I said, you're either going to fucking, you know, they'll put something in your eggs and you'll have a fucking coronary. Or they're just going to buy the idea and take it. So I, you need, you need to find some rebels, man. People with some fucking balls and, uh, then I would try to go directly to local farmers, show them how it works. Uh, you might have to give it away at first and then that guy will

spread the word to other farmers. And you know, this could be a way that they can compete with big time farming, you know, like I would try to sell it that way. Uh, that's one of those things. You got to do it like, you know, like how the other rappers would make it back in the day, they'd make mixed tapes and sell them out of the trunk of their car. Like you have to do it that way. This is, uh, this is going to be the long road. You know what I mean? This is the comic who, uh, doesn't have a catchphrase who doesn't wear the same silly fucking shirt every time, who fucking isn't like, oh, you know, they, I don't know, doesn't wrap their fucking act around a cause. Um, you're just going to be, try to just be funny. You're going to have to take the

long road with this, but, um, yeah, I think in, in there, somewhere, I gave you some good advice. Yeah, we try to get to local farmers and have one of them use it and say how great it is and how much, how much money they saved. I would go that way and then you get enough of those farmers doing that shit. Okay. Using your system and then you get them to show their results and what they were able to do and how much more money they made using less. And then, then you go to the guy, then you start asking around, then you find the guy, then you get the money. Okay. Now you got a little bit of momentum because you did some of the legwork. You can own more of it and then you can create that fear like, Hey man, I got another guy coming down and check this out. You want to

get business with me or what? Then you get a better percentage. I would go that route. You know, I basically, I just described like a Julia Roberts movie, but I think you could do it. All right. Anyways, good luck to you, sir. I hope what you're saying is true and I hope you can make a difference because that would be tremendous. All right. Bayer cunts. Hey, copper top was wondering if you heard about these cunts bear. Yeah, the aspirin. Oh yeah, I heard about this. These fuckers are buying an old auntie Monsanto and changing their name to bear to avoid the negativity that comes with the Monsanto name, but not changing any of the fucked up practices like GMO seeds and hiding from the public, how they are poisoning our food

supply, et cetera. Yeah. How come this never comes up in the political debates? They never talk about it because these guys have so much, they have, we will fucking murder you money if you talk, talk to us, talk about us. Um, if this, this wasn't bad enough, I read up on bear and come to find out a few years ago, these bastards supplied blood to hemophiliacs who needed blood transfusions and their products and had the AIDS virus ended and continued to sell it after they knew about it. They even admitted to it. Come on. Where'd you read this? What, what in the fuck? How are these corporate fuckheads always allowed to get away with this unbelievable level of greed and solace in human behavior? These kinds should be tried and executed. Here's a link in case you wanted

to read up on this bear admits it paid millions in HIV infect infection cases, just just not in English. What? Thanks for the last after reading shit like this. I can use a few. All right, I'll look that up. I hope that's a legitimate website and that's some fucking lunatic, but that just says that they admitted that they fucked up and paid out. But God knows that corporations, they, you know, they had those fucking police cruisers that if you got rear-ended, like there was a major problem with the gas tank igniting and these state troopers were fucking burning to death. And I heard they knew about that and they weighed the whole well, the lawsuit, the class action suit versus changing the design and the

class action suit would be less. So they chose that and they let these guys, these fucking cops burned to death. So it wouldn't surprise me. This is getting really dark people. All right, Hillary health, dear Billy Bilderberg. I've always known you to be an open-minded and unbiased, really? That's not how I'd describe myself. And also an empathizer with conspiracy theories. Oh yeah, I'll fucking, I'll listen to it, which is why I was somewhat upset about your unawareness last week when asked about Hillary's health, unawareness. Is that a word? I'm not some guy, well, it didn't get underlined in red. So obviously it's got to be a word, right? I'm not some guy in support of either campaign or party. Yes, you are. We all are. But when I saw the shit,

I'm going to show you I solely became more unhinged. All I'm hoping for here is, is to react to a few videos that have received as limited media attention as possible. And I'll just try to give quick unbiased descriptions before each one. But I want you to give your honest opinion. I'm sure you might have the same first thought that I had after seeing these things, but eventually the only reaction is I had are what the fuck is happening? Just put them in your URL, click on them. All right. Okay, oh, he's describing all this stuff. All right, seizure faces. Flem faint in green screen. All right, so I watched these videos. Let me see if I can find these things. These are all clips of Hillary Clinton allegedly, you know,

having major medical issues and nobody's talking about. All right, did Hillary have a seizure? All right. I don't, I don't think she had a seizure in this first one. I think she is that uncomfortable in her own fucking skin. And that's her trying to act like she's fucking playful. And this is what all politicians do. And this is why Trump is killing it, because Trump would have looked over and be like, where the fuck did you come from? She did not just have it. That's not a seizure. That's not what a seizure looks like. You don't have a seizure like fucking, they will jump on anything. There's no fucking way like the media is going to cover up. She had a

fucking seizure. Give me a, how much they made out of her having pneumonia. That's not a seizure. That's just an incredibly uncomfortable person in their own fucking skin, trying to act like they're playful. All right, this next one's my favorite one, close up of Hillary's feet showing she was dragged into a van. Now this one's completely eliminated because you never show me whose head belongs to those feet. It's somebody getting dragged. Like, I don't understand. Like, I don't even see her. I don't even see that person. Let me look at this again. See, they're getting dragged here. Yeah, I don't see anything there. I don't even know that that's Hillary. This is why you can't, you can't present this as fucking news.

Then Hillary disappearing. This looks like a fifth grade photoshop to me. Yeah, I don't know. This is fucking hilarious. This looks like an Atari from this is why this is not on national news, dude. This shit is ridiculous. And then the last one is simply her with her weird eyes normally in slow motion with some silly music underneath. Yeah, no, this is you put anybody in slow motion. They're going to look demonic. This is why I haven't talked about it. Okay. Yeah, she's on the campaign trail. She's worked herself to death and she got pneumonia. Like most people when they work themselves that hard, you catch pneumonia. It's completely fucking normal. Do I agree with her politics?

Do I like her? Am I going to vote for her? No. Am I going to vote for Donald Trump? No. Is the other person that I'm going to fucking vote for going to win? No. All right, but I don't think that Hillary is like literally having seizures on TV and people are just completely fucking ignoring it. All right, there's plenty of fucking dopes that they can put in office that will do exactly what they say that don't have seizures. So why would they have her? Because it's too late, man. They're too far down the thing. Yeah, I don't buy it. I am all about the conspiracies. I'm all fucking about them. I, you know, but I don't, I just don't buy into so what I think you have there, sir, is basically, you know, those shows where people find old

shit in their house. Like this has been in our family for like five generations. I was wondering, is it worth anything? And sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't. You're that person who came in with something that you thought it was real, but it's a fake. And you thought it was worth thousands and thousands of dollars, but it's sorry, it's only worth 15 bucks. And then you just, in the awkward silence that follows, you just slowly pack up your shit and then you leave. I'm sorry, sir. I wanted to believe it's so bad. I can't stand Hillary. I think she is one of the most dishonest people that has come along since her husband or the last Bush administration. I hate the Clintons. I hate the Bushes. I don't mind George Bush senior. All right. George Bush

senior was a fucking badass. Okay. And I don't know what the fuck the Warren commission and being part of the CIA. I don't want the fuck he did there. All I knew is that guy at like 19 years old fucking bombed an island where he had to fucking fly in and what he was trying to take out was below the highest points. It was like he's flying into an old football stadium shaped like a horseshoe and he flew in below the highest level of the mountains on the side of him. And there was people shooting at him down at his fucking plane. You got, you got, what the fuck was the flags of our fathers? You got to read that book. Now that book I read. Anyways, all right, that is the podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for listening. And that is all. Check out Dean

Delray's pictures of the shark encounter that I missed. But next year, I'm definitely fucking going. I delayed it for a year. Whatever, you can't fucking do everything. But, you know, I'm glad I was here and I got to edit the shows and to get rear-ended by a psycho and watch the guy just walk away. Right down the fucking streets. There you go, people. Just know that you can do that. If you're having a bad day, evidently you can plow into five people, tell them to all go fuck themselves and you just walk away. But they will take your license forever possibly if they find you. I have no idea. All right, go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on on Thursday. As always, if you want to donate to the podcast, the easiest way to do it is you go

to billbird.com. You click on the podcast page and then you click on the Amazon link. And if you go there and take your Amazon, if you buy something, no extra charge to you, they kick me a little fucking dough for driving traffic to their site. If you don't want to do it, I totally understand. All right, I'll see you Thursday. In your buurt op Beepat.be. Beepat.