Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-27-21

Episode Date: September 28, 2021

Bill rambles about sleep sacks, Sofi Stadium, and interrupting.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. September 27th, 2021. What's going on, Awaya? How's it going? How's it going with you? You know, I went out last night to go do some, you know, do some stand-up there, because I got Red Rocks coming up on Thursday there, and on my act, because I had a cold last week, so I was like, all right, let me fucking dust off the rust here, the ax, so I don't go out and fucking eat my balls out on the road. All right? You can't take four or five fucking days off and then go out on the road when people paid to see, you know, you bringing it. You can't just show

up and just drop it at the door, you know, and here's my shit jokes. You can't do that. You got to fucking kick the door open, right? And you got to shit all over the theater. You got to fucking do it. So I went out last night, and I don't know how it happens, you know? It's like the sun's out until like fucking 8.30, 9 o'clock at night almost sometimes, the height of the summer, and then you don't even pay attention. Then all of a sudden somebody mentions, oh yeah, we're gonna be, you know, turning the clocks, turning the clocks back, you know, in a couple weeks. So last night I was paying attention, like the fucking sun was going down to

like 7.05. I'm like, how the fuck did I lose two hours of sunlight without even noticing? I'll tell you how. You lose just like, you know, a minute, minute and a half each day. You know what I mean? It's like being in a relationship. We think everything's going great, you know? You got your little place you go to, you guys got your little jokes and everything, but everything seems like it's fine. Every day you're losing a minute and a half of the love you had for each other. This is getting sad. I should have picked something else. All right. It's like you went into COVID going, all right, I'm gonna use this time to get fucking shredded, you

know? To be over in six weeks, don't worry about it, you know, fucking get on, you know, walk around the neighborhood, my mask on, you know, looking like one of those fucking people that's allergic to the sun. I'll do that. I mean, I'm a ginger. I'm basically allergic to the sun. Sun does not like me. Sun started it. I had no problem with the sun. I've never done anything to the sun. And I was doing great and all of a sudden, I don't know what happened. I just fucking, I know what happened. For some dumb reason, I learned how to make a malted milkshake. I ordered malt, you know, which is kind of ironic because I finally got the booze out

of my life. You know, maybe it was the malt the whole time. Maybe that's what I was addicted to. No, I never drank malt liquor. I did that like one time. That stuff is fucking horrific. It's like Mrs. Buttersworth meets fucking Paps Blue Ribbon, which by the way is a terrible fucking beer. I don't give a fuck what these hipsters say, you know, when they needed blue collar credit. So they started drinking that fucking beer. They got PBR on ice. Oh, do they? Do they got that swill on ice? That beer always sucked. And it was an entire generation of people that drank it because other people that they thought were cool were drinking it

and they were drinking it because they weren't cool and thought working for a living was cool and they needed an identity. So they started drinking that fucking swill. Sorry, just my opinion. So yeah, I was just like, wow, man, that sucks. So the clocks are going to fall fall back spring forward fall back. So the sun's already going to be going down. If we did it today, it'd go down at six o'clock at night. But then immediately I was like, Oh, wait a minute, that usually means like the holidays are coming. The beginning of it getting darker earlier is great because that means the holidays are coming. You know,

if you like your life, you're looking forward to the holidays. If you don't, you're like, Oh, God, she probably wants me to give her the ring. What can I get her? What can I get her that'll be big enough that the disappointment of not getting her a ring again this year, it's going to work. By the way, if you're playing that game, break up with them now before you change the clocks. Just break up with them. Get out. All right, if you if you're doing that fucking math in your head, what gift can I buy this person so I don't have to get him a ring? You don't, you're not going to get her the ring because you don't want to

marry her, right? Keep all of that money. Let her get on with her life. You could get on with your life or vice versa. Can you imagine being a woman in a fucking relationship, right? And you're sitting there not liking the dude. You're like, he's starting to hitting like he's going to fucking pop the question and you're fucking panicking going, Oh my God, is he going to do this at like a fucking LA Kings game? And I'm just going to have to say yes, write that in there just so he doesn't look like a douche on the jumbo tron. Yeah, just get out now before the clocks fall back.

I'm going to do this with you guys every year. This is the this is the spring cleaning in the fall. Do you need to get out of here? Are you in a relationship and there's this fucking dread? I don't mean it's dread because you got to work on some stuff. Everybody has that. But if there's just really like, I just don't want to do this. There you go. It's a great opening line. Can we talk? Yes. I don't want to do this. And then you just got to fucking, you got to go north McDonald there, rest his soul. Well, he delivers the joke and you don't laugh and he just stares right back at you because he knows he's right. You know

you're right. You know, you don't want to do it. So anyway, but if you're in a relationship that you're happy to be in, which I am, thank God, all I was thinking about was all the means of holidays are coming up. Halloween's coming up. I can make my old pumpkin bread there. You know, Oh, Billy the Baker putting on the apron. I'm going to have a great fucking time. Did I tell you guys I made a fucking cheesesteak? Do I keep bringing this up? I was so fucking excited all these years, decades of living out here in LA and they don't make a fucking, sorry, a steak and cheese. Everybody tries to make a fucking

cheesesteak, which I'm not into. I like the steak and cheese. Well, they fucking chopped a fucker up. You know what I mean? Provolone. I'm not into the whiz. No disrespect meant for Philadelphia's heart attack sandwich. I like the Boston area heart attack sandwich. That's where my child's since memory goes. So right now, you know, was my second fuck up. I went out and I bought malt so I could make a malted milk at home, right? And then I fucking learned how to make a fucking steak and cheese. Stupid fucking moves. But you know what? I also learned how to make a summer salad, balsamic vinaigrette and some starberries and goat

cheese with some candied pecans. Oh, Jesus, Bill. Yeah, this is what sobriety sounds like. That's just fucking just trying to fill the time. Just knowing that you're going to remember every second of every fucking day, trying out different hobbies. Oh my God. Can you imagine the shit you could have achieved if you weren't sitting at that fucking bar stool all of these years? The stuff you could have got done. But you know, I have learned that achieving is not living. Maybe if you're going after a dream. But you know what I mean? After a while, it's just like, yeah, you're just kind of working. You know, I'm

going to fucking, I don't know what I want to do. I really don't just want to fucking hang out with my kids do my kids are hilarious. So my son, we got this thing called a sleep sack. They got all these people who bitch about being fucking parents, you know, unless you're broke, I get it, right? But if you got a little bit of fucking, you know, if you got a job, okay, the amount of fucking things that you could buy that make your fucking life so much easier. They got these things called sleep sacks. They didn't have these when I was a kid, right? You know, you basically you put your kid, you know, get them all ready for bed,

pajamas and all of that. And then there's just this thing, it's just it's like a fucking sleeping bag. And it just zips up, but their arms are outside of it. You can fucking clip the little pacifier to it, which you could never, you did pass fires, just a fucking pacifier. You spit that thing out like a mouthpiece, like some fighter that's getting his ass kicked, trying to fucking get a free standing egg out, you know, and it was on the ground. You had to keep going in there as a parent. The sleep sack is like weighted. It has a little bit of weight. So it gives them comfort and then it's also, you know, they can't they can't

hang on a second. This is what I'll say. Rapid rapid test. Let's find out now. Anyway, it has a little bit of weight to it. So they they can't really sit up or whatever. So they'll stay laying down. They chill out. Obviously, it's not so heavy that they can't breathe. It's not like there's a fucking varmint sitting down. I love that word varmint. I also like varmints in general. I just feel like they're not really animals. They were like things that were like trying to grow into something and they just stopped, you know, like, no, it's a badger in a wolverine. Are those things? It's like a bear fucked a skunk. That's

what they made. And neither one of them wanted to keep it and they just let the thing loosen to nature. And it's just a it just takes out all of its anger on all the other animals because, you know, it's real parents rejected them. Yeah, like raccoons. It's like a bear fucked a cat. I mean, there's just something going. They just don't seem like a bear looks like a bear. You know, a giraffe's a giraffe, a lion's a lion. But you look at varmints, you're like, what the what was that supposed to be? You know, I think that was one of those ones that God kind of had on the shelf and he was eventually going to get around to it. Like that car, you

got sitting in your front yard and then just one day you just kick it down the road. As Richard Rollings would say, he just sell the fucking thing. I feel like that's what varmints are. God just kicked it down the road. Like, you know what? I'll make 200 bucks in this thing. Dump it on, dump it on the earth. I think God did that a lot with his or her work, you know, especially with human beings. I just feel like a lot. There was a lot of times he had like big plans to really do the proper build on a human being. And then just was like, you know, I'm just, I just don't have the time, you know, I got all this other shit I have to do. I got to

make sure, you know, I'll, you know, make all of these earths and the rules of threes or whatever these nerds figured out. And you know, it's like, I know a lot of guys that like to build, but they hate to paint. I feel like God's like that. God doesn't like to paint. They'll build a house, but it's going to rot out in a fucking year after the rain season. So anyway, my son has figured out how to get out of the sleep sack, unzip the thing, right? So the other day I came in and he didn't have it on. He had the biggest grin on his face. He was so proud of himself. And he was expecting me to give him the accolades. Like he did

this great thing. And he was so proud of himself as much as I was like, Oh, no, he figured out how to get out of that thing. I had to be like, Yeah, buddy, you did it. You figured out how to, that's great. You know, what am I going to do? It's better than the alternative. Him just sitting there like, I can't figure it out. You're like, Oh, no, we got my brain. So, but he was going to get my wife's brain. So fortunately got my wife's brain and he figured it out. Right. So my wife was away this weekend in a wedding. And so I had the kids and of course, you know, people are fighting off colds and stuff. And so my son would

get upset at night. So I would go in there. So I went in there and, you know, I brought in a bottle and I changed him and his pajama bottoms, you know, they were a little wet or whatever. So I didn't, and I wasn't going to rummage around trying to find some new, because I'm in the dark, you know, when you get them up, you don't want to like talk to them and wake them up. You just sort of like comforting them, you know, and then you're just doing it. And then you give them the bottle, put the sleep sack on and then you're done. Right. So I do the whole thing. I just put a diaper on and then put pajama bottoms on. Right. So he

goes to sleep. It works like a charm. I get a great night's sleep. And then I wake up, I hear him making noise. So I go down the hall to go in there and I go walking in there. And not only has he taken off the sleep sack, he also removed his diaper. So he's sitting there butt ass naked from the waist down. Same look on his face like, huh, I did it. So I start cracking up. And then I'm like, Oh, God, please tell me he didn't make it. He didn't pee the bed. Please tell me thank God he didn't. And I was just cracking up. That was one of the best laughs I've had in a while to look of like accomplishment on his face. And

they're looking at you like, Hey, I did it. So I got to tell you, man, we had an awesome weekend. Everybody obviously missed mom being around. But we had a fucking great time. Nice and chill. It was just like, what do you guys want for breakfast? You know, you know, I want this, I want that. I go, you know what, I want to make some French toast. My daughter's like, I don't want French toast. French toast is yucky. I go, you never had it. She goes, no, you know, collapses onto the floor. They always have those James Brown moments, you know, you feel like you got to run over and put a cape around him. What was that

song? Please, please, please? When he would sing that? Yeah, your kids do that. They just, just immediately. Jack, can I have a popsicle? Not yet, buddy. You got to finish up your broccoli. Oh, they just fucking building and floating. So yeah, I found this quick little recipe and I made this French toast and I got to tell you some total silence in the kitchen when they were eating. That's when you know you crushed it as a cook. All you hear is just fucking people chowing down. And I fed some to my son. He never had French toast before and he ate it and looked at me and did like this big, you know, big

cheesy smile. I'm like, all right, this is perfect. This is perfect. And we watched a little bit of bluey. I went outside, you know, I threw some pitches to my daughter. She was crushing it, the lefty, trying to hit it over the wall. Just really had a great weekend, man. Having said that, psych, my wife is back, so I can, you know, share some of the duty here. But it was a great, great, great time. I went to a game on Sunday and a person come over and babysit because I had the, I went to go see the Rams and the, what was it, the Buccaneers. And Billy Freckles bet on Tom terrific and the Buccaneers not

counting on that Rams defense. They played amazing. And I don't know who that Cooper Cup guy is, but fucking Tampa had no answers for that guy. And I think they could have scored even more points at one point. And I remember the first half they, what's his face under through the receiver hit the defensive back right between the numbers in the back. I thought they were going to call pass interference, but they didn't. But anyway, the real story of the game, Brady looked great as always. You know, it was just sort of the, you know, the defense just didn't, could not stop them from the Rams from scoring. Rams

D look fucking great. As did Stafford look great with that offense. So they were a lot better than I thought they were. But Jesus Christ, can the Rams get some better uniforms? They're not even white. Those things look like old towels and you don't have any bleach. This, I don't know what is wrong with that classic, classic blue and yellow uniform. They're fucking great. But those, they look like they were wearing long underwear. Look at a bunch of prospectors. But anyway, the real story of the game is Sofi Stadium. Are you listening Dallas? Sofi Stadium is the greatest sports arena I've ever been

into my life. As far as like, you know, obviously there's no mistake. There's no history. As far as the new ones that have been built, it was fucking unbelievable. And I walked in there wanting to hate it. There was nothing wrong with the LA Memorial College, Sam. This is environmental disaster. All this material you use, which, you know, there's a lot of truth to that. Holy shit. I was all ready to hate that fucking TV. Well, they were like, it's even bigger than the one in the Dallas Cowboy Stadium. It's like that fucking TV stinks. I remember when that thing came out and I was teasing, I was

working the Dallas Improv and I was teasing all of them. That whole Dallas stadium, it's bigger. That means it's better, right? Bigger is better. It's like, yeah, no, sometimes it's just bigger. And I was joking going, you spent all that money on that fucking TV. And within like eight years, you're just going to have the biggest old ass TV in the fucking world hanging from that goddamn ceiling. And the one in Dallas Cowboy Stadium was unbelievably distracting. But I got to tell you, the way they did it, they must have learned from the Cowboy Stadium because the way they did it, this thing was not

distracting and it actually enhanced like the whole experience because you could just sit there. The sight lines were flawless. And then if there was, because we were sitting down low, you know, if they got a little farther on the other side of the field, you know, with football, if you sit really down low, there is that depth of perception you're going to kind of lose. You could just glance up at the TV and see, you know, because sometimes, you know, if you repeat it like an angle, if you're too low, it's like, was that a loss of three yards or a gain of seven? Like you can't tell when they're

running like a sweep to the opposite side you're sitting on. It was absolutely perfect. I will tell you, there was like, I took like, I felt like 19 escalators because they built it down into the ground and I was joking with my buddy who had the tickets. I'm like, dude, if North Korea shot a missile right now, I think we'd be okay. We had to take like 19 escalators to go in all the way down. And you didn't even feel like you were in a stadium. I felt like I was in a fucking Nordstrom. Like I was going to go buy a button down shirt for the road or something. And when you come through the tunnel and

just see the arena and how big it is and it was jam-packed, it was like, I just kept going, holy shit, which is funny because when I saw the first time I walked up to the Dallas Cowboys Stadium, I think I have that on a long ago podcast. I was walking up to it and it just kept getting bigger and bigger. I just kept going, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, right. But this one, yeah, because I would say, I think as far as all the new stadiums I went to, like the Atlanta Falcons one is incredible. But this SoFi stadium is next level. So at some point, I'm going to go to a Raiders game. Fucking Raiders

who fucked me yesterday. Fucking asshole, goddamn, fucking prevent defense. I swear to God, is there anything worse when you fucking, you bet a game and you have it won? And then they just go into the prevent and they give up a fucking touchdown? It's so, you know, it's funny. I actually, when we had the game yesterday, you know, that fan that just yells out the obvious? It was a fan, like diagonally behind me. And the Rams were up like 14. They might have been up three scores, like 17, with like seven minutes left. And they had the ball. And the guy goes, all right, come on, let's go. It's worth the clock. Got to

work the clock here. Oh, is that what they're supposed to do? I thought they wanted to do a quick three and out, throw a couple of incompletions and take a knee and then punt it back to them. But it just worked the clock. But he probably had money on the game like me. So he was probably, that was probably his like, you know, anxiety. Speaking of anxiety, I didn't even see one second of the Raiders Dolphins game. I'm sitting there watching their dolphins are up 14 to nothing to start the game. I'm like, ah, fuck, right? And then all of a sudden I see it's 14 to five. I'm like, all right, that's weird. Field goal in a safety. Then it

was 1412. Then it was 1917. Then somehow it was like fucking 25 to 16. I don't even know what the fuck I don't know what it was. I only know they were down 17. They were down like eight points. And it was like two minutes left. I'm like, who has the ball? And he goes, the dolphins. I go, they're going to score two minutes left. They're going to go in the prevent, you know, take away the sidelines, give them the middle of the field. And then they just go right down the fucking field. There's like a minute, something left. And they, I see my buddy's got like, you could see who had the ball and they would show where it

was. They were like down on like the five yard line. I'm like, all right, this is four down territory. As they say, let's hope for a stop. And I'm like, they're going to score here and then lose by fucking two because they're not going to make the two point conversion. And then the dolphins score and they make the two point conversion. So then I'm still in it. So I think I was given four laying four. So I'm like, all right, maybe they go down and radius could score a touchdown. I kick a field goal. Fucking cunts. Like, how do you how do you factor that in? How the fuck do you factor in the prevent defense when

you're gambling? I swear to God, that's why you have to take the underdog. The underdog will help you with the prevent defense. If you've, if you've bet on the favorite, you're fucked. Every fucking time, man. Every goddamn time. So anyways, I want to thank everybody that came out to, if I haven't already, I can't remember. Everybody who came out to Amoeba Records and for the record signing, the double album, Bill Burr live at Madison Square Garden, was such a cool experience. They asked me like, what sort of, what music do I want to listen to? So I, they said, I forget who I suggested. They said, we're gonna play some Van Halen. I'm like,

even better. So they played Van Halen's greatest hits. So they went through David Lee Roth. Sorry, hit the light there. David Lee Roth, right to, right through Sammy Hagar. And it was amazing. I felt like a fucking rock star. And I was a great, another thing I noticed, great mix of people came down. So it really made me feel good that, you know, you know, if it was a bunch of angry white freckled cons, I'd be like, all right, well, I mean, you know, that's great. But when you get more of a wide variety of people coming down there, it was really cool. And you actually yesterday, when I was at the game, I had a couple of young kids

say that they liked my act, a couple of Latino dudes. And then I was walking out of the stadium, this old black dude in a tracksuit was, Hey, man, you're a funny motherfucker. Was like the biggest compliment ever. I'm like, I made that guy left. Nice. Because that goes back to that, that one of the great educations I ever got was in the summer of 86, when I saw Rodney Dangerfield rest his soul at Great Woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts, his career yet again, was going through the ceiling with the movie Back to School. And I saw him and he fucking crushed. I was like, wow, this is amazing, you know, and I was just looking at the crowd

going, wow, this guy's killing. And then like a couple of weeks later after that, I saw Eddie Murphy on the Raw tour, if you can believe that, we're in the purple suit. I had lawn seats. I was way the fuck up there. It was basically watching him on the TV and the weather girls opened up. And when Eddie was there, it was a mixed crowd. And I just remembered that always clicked with me like this guy is making everybody laugh. Like this is transcending his world. And it's just getting everybody. And I remember thinking, I don't know why that just maybe because I was listening to all these different comedy albums.

And you can kind of hear what the crowd looked like by their laughs. And I remember there was like, you know, only a few guys just seem like they had the laughs you heard like everybody. And he was one of them. So that always stuck with me. So that was a really huge compliment for me walking out of that stadium as I lost my bet. Jesus Christ. All right, let's do let's do the reads here for the week. I'm going to hit pause at some point. I got to take my fucking COVID test, which is a rapid test. I wonder if I can find out while I'm doing the podcast. All right, simply safe, everybody. There's big news from my

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didn't have any fucking problems with my rotator cuff. So I really feel like I am now on my way to getting back and getting shredded and having a physique that makes me like myself. I'm just happy to be fucking back in the gym. Jesus Christ. I mean, there's only so many like fucking salads and stretching that you can fucking do. All right. I grew up in the 80s. It was all about what are your benches? You know what I mean? So that's like my safe space, I feel. All right. Supersonic flight. Somebody wrote in I was talking about this last week where actually a couple of weeks ago I was talking about how I always wanted

to get on the Concord and fly to Europe. Like it always just seemed like the most James Bond thing you could ever fucking do. And then lo and behold, like a few weeks later I was at Newark Airport and this advertisement for United Airlines saying that they were bringing it back in 2029. I was like, holy shit, that is amazing. So and then I talked about supersonic flight. So obviously I made some mistakes. So this is really cool. I hope more pilots right in because I find this shit fascinating. I think even if you don't fly, all of this is really interesting. Listen to this shit. Supersonic flight. Hello, Bill Aerodynamic

Head Burr. It's more like a blimp or a hot air balloon. I am an aerospace engineer. Oh, that's what people do when somebody really smart comes in the room. You can't handle it. Oh, look at you. Oh, smart. Oh, Jesus. Why don't you teach me something? How funny is that? It's like it's like it's their fault that not only are they smart that they applied themselves. Oh, what are you going to slump it and hang out with us now? He's an aerospace engineer. What do you make planes? I wish smart people had more fucking well, they'd have to them would make them dumb. Because I think they just look at morons

like that and go, Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's what I do. I wish they actually just talked a little more shit. What do you draw on airplanes designing them? You fucking dope. What do you do? Some job that I was mentally prepared for in the third grade. You dumb fuck. What do you drive a truck? Hey, dude, you shouldn't make fun of what somebody does for a living. That's what the fuck you just did. All right, dude, relax. I am an aerospace engineer graduate writing in to clarify your queries. Look at that. Right out of the bat. My queries sounds oddly fucking homophobic. Hang on a second. Let's I gotta look up queries. Is

that some fucking douchey way of saying questions? queries meaning a group of home now I'm kidding. Let's see what we got here a question, especially one addressed to an official organization. Oh, that's when the fucking regular people the truck drivers start questioning the aerospace guys. You know what they're wasting all the money on. Okay. How come they can't design a fucking inflatable ring to help them not get hemorrhoids when they're delivering the tools and the the fucking materials that these aerospace engineer guys need to build their shit so they can feel smart. All right. I'm writing in to clarify your queries

regarding supersonic flight and mock numbers. Oh, God bless you. What you stated regarding regarding regarding Mach number on your 20th September podcast was correct. That's because I read it. The Mach number named after the physicist Ernest Mach. I love these scientists, man. You know, I mean, they have no gift to gap so they can't get pussy. So what they have to do is invent something and then name it after themselves. I mean, that is drive. You have to respect that. How you doing, ladies? Oh, hi. Hi. I like your glasses. Yeah. I'm Ernest Mach. You know those jet fighters out there in the tarmac? Those

cute pilots you want to fuck? They fly Mach three. I know it's sexy. I got something sexy for you. Why am I doing a fucking stud voice here? Well, I got something sexy for you. It's actually named after me. Ernest Mach. I'm the guy who... Well, do you know how to fly one of those things? Well, I understand how it flies if that's any consolation. I designed it. Oh, that's interesting. So do you like know any of those pilots? Could you send them over? All right. That was Ernest Mach trying to get some pussy. The Mach number named after physicist Ernest Mach. It's probably a womanizer. The ratio of an aircraft speed to the

speed of sound. So an aircraft traveling at Mach one is flying at the speed of sound and at Mach two is moving twice the speed of sound. You also mentioned two different speeds of sound on the podcast. Yeah, I go out like, how come this one said the speed of sound is 768? The other one said 718 or something. He said, this is because the speed of sound is not constant. In atmospheric air, the speed of sound increases with air temperature. So air temperature making the air molecules further apart, creating a low pressure system, which thinner air and obviously I guess the speed of sound can travel through it a lot easier. It's

what I'm guessing. If you've ever flown your chopper with the windows open or doors off is I think is what he means. Yeah, you know that the air gets colder as your altitude increases. So the speed of sound goes down as you get higher. That's where I get confused. The air would get denser. Like if the atmospheric air or the atmosphere's air, the speed in atmospheric air, speed of sound increases with air temperature increases, meaning the speed of sound goes faster. So the number would go up. If you've ever flown your chopper with the windows open, you know that the air gets colder as your altitude increases. So the speed of sound goes down.

All the speed of sound gets slower. Jesus, Bill, see, I always have to fucking I always have to work that shit out like twice that like messes me up. That's always fucks me up because I always think high pressure, high temperature and it isn't high high pressure is low as cold molecules all jammed together. And then low pressure is a higher temperature air molecules spread out and and high pressure always wants to go to low pressure. It's like you're moving from a crowded neighborhood to a place where you can get a little, you know, space moving from the city to the countries. And that's what wind is. It's just high

pressure going to low pressure. I believe that's what it is. All right, at sea level, the speed of sound is approximately 761 miles per hour. While at the cruising altitude of the Concorde at 60,000 feet, the speed of sound is about 660 miles per hour. And he has a table of speed sound and link to this shit is so fascinating. So what I was wondering is, does your fuel economy increase the higher you go? Do you get better fuel? A con? No, that wouldn't make sense because then the air wait, the air is colder, but the air gets thinner as you go as you go higher.

Like he gets the point where you can't, you can't breathe. Is that because of the gases, the oxygen level? I don't fucking understand that stuff. All I know is at the level that I fly 1500 feet is the hotter the day is the more work your engine has to do. It has to work harder because the air is thinner so you don't get as much lift. Well, okay, that set my brain flip flopping around in my big fucking head. Fun little side fact that different gases have different speeds of sound. In helium, the speed of sound at sea level is about 2250 miles per hour. And this is why your voice is squeaky when you inhale it.

Now, so you're telling me if I inhale that my voice is normally coming out of my mouth at a certain mile per hour. It's now coming out of my mouth at 2250 miles per hour. I know that can't be right. Please write back in and explain. Anyways, he says, like yourself, I am super keen to fly any supersonic flight. I could hopefully United could get those awesome planes flying. Love your podcast and your fantastic comedy, so and so an Aussie fan. Really appreciate that. And there was something in there that I've learned in aviation. Hopefully United can get those awesome planes flying.

It's like, well, they're saying they're coming in 2029. That doesn't mean it's going to happen because the FAA and all of this stuff when they have to approve it, first of all, there's only like a really small amount of places where you can go to have the FAA approve new aircraft. And if you go there and you have a bad day that usually kills the project because you have to get back in line. It's like to go into the fucking DMV where they don't let you. Oh, I forgot. I got to go out to my car. Can I run back up to the window?

They're like, no, I hate my life, so you're going to hate your life too. That's kind of how that FAA shit seems to work. All right, I got to take my rapid test. Let's see what Bill has. What if I have a Bola? I'll have to wrap up the podcast. All right, hang on. OK, I'm back and the result of the test. You are not the father. No, COVID. And I know I disappointed a lot of you.

I've been a bit of a mass cunt throughout all of this. I've been talking down to a lot of you, and I want to take the time to let all of you know how good it feels to talk to you from a superior place. Updates ready to install. I always say later, remind me tomorrow. When is this person, whoever sends these fucking things going to realize I don't want any of your updates? All right.

So that's fascinating. Who knew that? I mean, I don't understand. I got to look that up just so because that's going to drive me nuts. As far as helium, the speed of sound. At sea level. In helium, the speed of sound at sea level is 20. Like, why? Why does helium make your voice sound like that? Why?

Does helium affect your voice? Let's see what they say. No definitions found for this word. Did I spell it wrong? I used to play that comedy club. I'm back to query. Search. I just, I'm going to make it dumb it down.

Make your voice high, dude. I literally wrote, dude. Oh, this is dictionary. I'm typing it in the wrong place. Why does helium change your voice? Okay, here we go. Let's see here. Why exactly does helium make your voice sound so weird?

Okay. We all know inhaling. Why can't they just answer? This is just why, just imprisoning people into cubicles. Making them write pages and pages of shit. They could have left by 10 a.m. What is the recipe? Bang, bang, bang.

You know, I've always enjoyed peanut butter and jelly. Fucking unbelievable. Well, maybe I'm impatient. Okay, we all know inhaling helium makes your voice sound high and squeaky. But do you know why? Obviously I don't. I wouldn't be here. If you ever inhaled helium from a balloon at a birthday party,

or maybe a bachelor party while you watch your friend get his dick sucked and you're the best man, you got to fucking block that out tomorrow. She walks down the aisle. How many, how much backstory are we going to give here? I mean, seeing you two together, I can just see how happy you are. But watch the scene from my best friend's wedding. You know, helium does weird things to your voice. It makes your voice high and squeaky.

We all know this. Here's what it does to make your voice. First, a refresher on how your voice works. Oh my God, it just reams of information. If you want to nerd out a bit more on science, here's more background. Another fucking page. Wait, was that at the end? Did they answer it?

So I have to sift through all of this shit? Smart people. Can you realize there's dumb people with no attention spans out there? This is like your torture. When you talk, okay, first there's a refresher on how your voice works. When you talk, your vocal cords vibrate at a particular frequency or rate. And the movement of your vocal cord then pushes the air around it in your voice box, said the Franklin Institute chief bioscientist, J. Tree Das.

J. Tree Das. The motion of the air causes a sound wave that then gets picked up by the ears of your listener. The rate of this vibration, which controls the frequency and the pitch of your voice, doesn't change when you suck in helium. What does change is the sound quality of your voice. Known to musicians is timbre. Different timbres are the reason why we can distinguish between a piano and a violin playing the same note. The sounds are the same pitch, but their tone, aka sound quality or timbre, are different.

The human voice is made up of many different tones mixed together. When your vocal cords vibrate, they don't just vibrate at a single frequency. There's a whole mix going on, Das said. It's that mix that's one of the most important factors to sound quality. Okay, I feel like we're getting, you know, how much longer? Only an hour and a half more, kids. Just hang in there. Inhaling helium makes the higher pitch...

Obviously, I have to know this shit. I'm just being a cunt. Inhaling helium makes the higher pitch tones resonate more in the vocal tract, amplifying them so they are louder in the mix. Now, this doesn't sound like what my aeronogical engineer was telling me. At the same time, it makes the lower tones resonate less in the vocal tract. The two effects combine to create a chimp-munk-like flat sound. Essentially, the higher frequencies become stronger. Oh, so they fade down the low end.

It's like the guitar player came in, right? It doesn't want to hear around. It's like how they mixed injustice for all. Okay, that just added to my confusion. Okay, fun little side effect going back to the aeronautical engineer. Fun little side effect that different gases have, different speeds and sound. In helium, the speed of sound at sea level is about 2,250 miles per hour, and this is why your voice is squeaky when you inhale it.

I don't know, man. I feel like one of those eggheads might be a little wrong, or I'm too stupid to understand that both those eggheads were telling me the same thing in a different way. Who knows? All right. I just like that I'm so, I'm so stupid that you can get fucking smart people to write in. Siamese twins. Hey there, Billy Bangkok.

Long time listener here, and your podcast helps me get through the workday. I also listen to anything better. Podcasts with you and Paul Verzi are absolutely hilarious. Yeah, people are loving that podcast. On your most recent Anything Better episode, there was a brief talk about conjoined twins and why they are called Siamese twins. Yeah, and that was offensive. It's like, why is that?

As I make an effort to catch up on your episodes, I remember hearing that you were trying to broaden your geographic knowledge at that point. Having said that, what used to be called Siam, changed, that's a cool name, changed to what is now Thailand back in 1939. Conjoined twins were called Siamese twins back in the day because of a famous set of twins that were unfortunately considered monsters

and basically entered into the circus. Oh my God. You're going to tell me there's a God that that was their life? It's just so fucking brutal. Well, you have the choice to either be empathetic and understanding. That's unbelievable. You know, as I shit on everything on this podcast,

like I'm not part of the problem. They just so happened to be from Siam, which might explain why the Siamese twins term caught on. It doesn't sound like it has anything to do with the biology involved and how twins come conjoined. What the fuck do I know? I'm not a doctor. So basically, the people of Thailand,

there was conjoined twins who had the Peter Grant level manager and promoter. So they became super famous as opposed to any other conjoined twins around the world. Hope you enjoyed your geographic history lesson. What from shit you just copied and pasted? You know, I tell you, dude, you know, you're smarter than I am, but you cannot follow an aeronautical engineer. And more importantly, that I've cleared. Okay.

I hope you enjoyed your geographic history lesson. And more importantly, that I cleared up any confusion. Hope you and the lovely Nia and the kids are doing well. Have a most excellent day and kindly go fuck yourself. All right. Sincerely, a fellow moron. Oh, I love somebody that knows they're dumb. Beautiful.

I bombed this week. Hey, buddy, join the club. Join the club. I had a nice fucking bomb after Don L. Rawlings destroyed at the laugh factory last night doing the best material I've seen him do in his career. That man is at his peak. All right. If you see Don L. Rawlings advertise somewhere, go see that man do stand up.

It was, uh, it was amazing. All right. I bombed this week and then I went up there, you know, hadn't done stand up, getting over a cold. Fuck. Oh, Bill. Oh, Billy excuses. Um, no, I was like, I remember I went in there.

It is, can I go on last, you know, cause I knew it was the end of the show. And they said, yeah. And then after like 10 minutes of watching Don L is like, oh shit. Can I go on the next show? I was like, don't now, now, now you're the one that took those days off. Now go up there and take your fucking medicine. And I did one joke at a time. All right.

Hey Bill, I am a DJ on the side, not the scratching record type. I just do mixes this past weekend. I had a DJ at a, at a homecoming dance at a Christian school. The headmaster gave me a stern reminder before the gig began that profanity or any explicit content will result in me not being a repeat entertainer. I had a request lineup with my cell phone number. What does that mean? I had a request line set up with my cell phone number. Oh, I get it too.

Uh, people call in to hear their favorite hit songs. Uh, the kids were requesting vulgar stuff that was clearly not appropriate for a Christian school. So I took the few good requests and ignored the bad ones. Uh, when I would start to play a song, the kids would shout next repeatedly until I skipped the track. Oh my God, what a bunch of fucking cunts. What a bunch, dude. That's what it's like if you're a kid and you can carry your entire music collection around your pocket. How bad did you want to take one of your records and just throw it in whatever the fuck you do now?

Your laptop and just fucking frisbee at the head. Next, go fuck yourself. Oh, that got my blood going. Bunch of no nothing fucking cunts. All right. Next. Yeah, that's what your mother said. I mean, my friends were over there. It's just something, some fucking, your mama joke, something anyway.

Um, the kids were requesting vulgar next at one point in the night. I saw a large group of kids leave at once and I got a group picture picture from them with their thumbs down and saying, we're leaving. Oh God, why didn't they come up to you and say that I then played to an empty room of just four or five faculty members in a large gymnasium. At the end of the day, I got paid and I bade the headmaster, but it still sucks. All right. First of all, that's a great, hilarious story for you to tell other DJs, especially when you make it, right? We've all had those gigs.

Secondly, you know what you are? You're a professional. Okay, because if you gave into them and did what the fuck the guy told you not to do, if you knew that that's what you were going to do, you shouldn't take the gig. Because I used to do that. I would be like, you know, it was kind of a scam. You know, you would do these college showcases and you would work totally clean and then they'd book you and then they go, and then you go there, you do your real act.

And then these fucking people rightfully so would get mad because you completely misrepresented yourself. So you did the right thing. Fuck those cunts. All right, if they were men, they would have come up to you and said, we're leaving. You should have text. Anyway, I don't know. I liked that you also, you know, you kept your mouth shut. Kept mouth shut.

Didn't rat on your friends. You could have said like, hey, get mad at your fucking teachers. You know, next. You should have turned it up. His fucking asshole is growing. Hey Siri, how many gallons are in a fucking car? Whatever the fuck. He went too big a measurement.

I didn't know what's what. How many gallons are in a fucking whopper? Oh, God, I'm stupid. He interrupts me out. Jesus. Oh, God. Oh, God, I should have brought me out for this one. I really got to make more of an effort here.

I know we got the little ones and you guys are missing her on here. I really have to. I have to do this, but you know, when everybody's got the sniffles and it's like who has COVID who doesn't. And then you find out nobody does. You know, it just kind of feels like Al Capone's vault. Like there was nothing in there. All right. He interrupts me.

Dear Billy motorboating burr. I've been with a guy for. What is motorboating mean that for me? That was when you fucking made that noise between some chick with big tits when I was a kid. What does it mean now? Are you also saying that I run my yap and talk too much because there's a lot of people that would agree with you. Anyway, I've been with a guy for over six years now and he is a wonderful blue eyed blue collared man with a big heart. I am however struggling with his terrible habit of blatantly interrupting me when we talk to each other.

All right, wait a second. Is this my wife trolling me? It feels like it's written by her. Um. In recent years, I have realized that his father is actually worse and that it's more likely where he got the habit from. His father raises his voice and talks over his wife while she's in mid sentence. Oh God. I grew up with that.

Well, that may seem, well, that may be okay with her. My Puerto Rican ass can't stand it. Oh my God. Yeah. All right. You know, stereotypes, Irish people drink, you know, yeah, Puerto Rican girls. Yeah, I don't, not the kind of women you want to piss off as far as my brief period of living just adjacent to Spanish Harlem. It makes me feel like he's just waiting for his turn to speak and my boyfriend is not really taking in what I'm saying.

Well, that's exactly what you should be feeling. You know, so Puerto Rican say that you have like a 90% chance of being dropped dead gorgeous. So why are you putting up with this? I have pointed this out, which is what? What are you saying? Ugly women should put up with more? I mean, well, that's how it works as an ugly guy. Welcome to the putting up with more camp.

Um, I have pointed this out so many times that today I told him to look up some articles on it because his habit has not changed much in the last two years. He does this more when he's anxious and since COVID, he's pretty much anxious all the time. Do you have any suggestions on how I can improve setting boundaries or how we talk to each other? I have suggested therapy or some sort of medication in the past, but this stubborn Irish man won't do it. I swear to God. If you said you were a black woman, I'd be like, this is my wife writing in, he is a gem of a man, but this habit is frustrating. You're my favorite comic and I appreciate you taking the time to read this and you're a sweetheart. Love from, uh, all right.

I never say what people from, um, well, I have learned that you can't change somebody. They have to want to change, which is not new advice, but, um, you also don't have to put up with it. Um, what I do and what I have found that works is going for a walk. When the person you're with is in the wrong and they're just in an emotional place where they're not capable of saying that they're wrong, I do all the time more than my wife, but when my wife does it, look at me protecting the peace of the home, I do it more than she does bowing down to you women and more. No, she does it just as fucking much as I do. All right, but I'm quicker with the apologies.

Um, just, I think just cause I'm louder, it's just so obvious that I'm wrong. Um, I go for a walk, I go out to my garage. I just play drums and I just, I just sort of like, I just bring the energy way down. You know, I'm not that fun person to live with anymore. I'm just, I'm, I'm here. I'm not leaving, but I'm not fucking, you know, and it's just like you just have to, there's a way to do it to hold them accountable when somebody is interrupting and talking over you, like how are you going to discuss this with them?

Anyways, it's going to make you more frustrated. So what you do is you just take your ball and you go home. I would just, oh, you're going to interrupt. Okay. Well, I'm not. Okay. And just leave where you going? Well, I'd answer you, but you'd interrupt me like you just did.

All right. And you just fucking leave. I would just do that. And I would just sort of, I don't know. Try to make like a game out of it. And maybe by doing that, the person will realize how much they're doing it. I mean, this is, I mean, this is a half court shot. If not a full court shot.

I think that's a really what you're up against is a really tough thing. But you also said he's a gem of a guy. So my thing is, are you also, no, I can't say you're doing the woman thing where you're just going to find something. You know, you're just going to find something. I think that's the big thing with them is always, you always have to be working on something while they can just continue to be who they are. So they're, they're molding you so they don't have to adjust themselves at all. It's really fucked up is what it is. But what you're complaining about here, I grew up with, which is unbelievably fucking annoying.

And probably one of the many reasons of my layers of anger that I'm trying to work my way through. So hopefully your gem of a boyfriend will hear you. Maybe you could write him a letter, an email, I guess letters or old school. Yeah, you can try different techniques, but I don't think any of it involves actually sitting down and discussing something. You can't discuss. It's like a sketch. I need to sit down and discuss how much you interrupt me as the person interrupts you. So I would do that.

You got to go more like passive aggressive, which is not something that I like to do. But I feel like passive aggression works in relationships if you're trying to avoid arguing with each other. You don't even have to be passive aggressive. You just say, okay, you interrupt and I would just talk as he continues to talk. You interrupt all the time. I told you I don't like it. So I just made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to, to listen to it anymore because it drives me up the wall. So I'm going for a walk.

I'll see you later. And then that's it. And just leave him in the quiet of where you live. All right. And he'll walk around and talk to himself. And then eventually he's going to feel how empty that place feels without you and your wonderful spirit. And then that's going to make him pause and think. And then, you know, you do that about five to 10,000 times and then gradually the change will happen.

But other than that, it sounds like you got a great guy with that. That is super fucking annoying. You know what I always wish I had, you know, a chip clip, you know, when somebody would, you know, don't you? Don't you think? Don't you think? They were talking over and just fucking clip it right on their fucking lips. Just clip it and you'd be like, I'm talking. I could sell those for fucking $19.99 at night, right?

All right. My girlfriend won't tell me about her jobs and her goals. Oh, by the way, good luck to that next couple. You're going to have beautiful kids someday, I hope. If he shuts the fuck up every once in a while. Hey, Billy, blueberry balls. I'm a 22 year old guy from Massachusetts. Oh, Jesus.

I've been dating my girlfriend for about five months now and things are going great. We were friends for about a year and then started dating. So now awkward getting to know each other. So now awkward getting to know each other stage. Well, it's because you transitioned from hanging out to banging, right? I'm just going to shut up and read this. We both just graduated college and are both looking for jobs saying that saying that I actually got just got my job first job working in film. Nice.

I was super excited through the whole process and kept her in the loop with every opportunity that could be considered a legit employment situation. Including my current job. She is also looking for a job and had an opportunity fall through due to pay change and other factors. While she has told me some things, she really hasn't told me a lot. Today I asked her what type of job she was even looking for because I was curious to see if I knew somebody or could help in any way such as giving some ideas or suggestions. She had said that I can't help her and I wouldn't know anyone end of story, right? Like an idiot, I asked if there was a reason she didn't want to share or feel comfortable telling me what she was looking at. She replied with, that's not something that you need to know unless I want to tell you. Jesus.

I told her that I understood where she was coming from. How beaten down are guys now? I mean, if you ever said that to a woman, that's not something you need to know unless I want to tell you. Like the relationship is going to continue to move forward. The fucking emergency break is pulled. You have fishtail and you're over on the side of the road until this gets worked out. I told her that I understood where she's coming from. Look, I understand if somebody doesn't want, if she's feeling more pressure, maybe because you got your job first because God knows it's going to be your fault. Or whatever. Maybe she is just like that. Maybe she has anxiety. I don't fucking know. But there's a way to convey that. Now, you might have pushed her and asked her so many times that she then got to that point where she was irritated and said that.

I don't know because I am just hearing it from you. So who knows? I'll tell you, there's a lot of variables here. I told her that I understood where she was coming from and tried to reassure her that I wasn't going to react negatively to an opportunity. Just in case an ex or family has done that to her in the past. Oh, brother, dude, you're like a fucking therapist. The only reason why I kept asking her about it is because I felt like I want to tell my significant other that I presumably see a future at what I'm looking to do for the next few years. Don't get me wrong. I'm not like some of these other idiots that write in. I love this, dude. You put yourself above other people. I love doing that. I'm above you because I say so. I am an honorary doctorate from me framed on the wall. Don't get me wrong. I'm not like some of these other idiots that write in and are completely out of line or just stupid.

I'm just curious to hear you say something that you see that I'm missing. Like, is it weird that she doesn't want to tell me or say just relax because that's normal behavior? Honestly, can't tell sometimes because I'm a social moron. Thanks for the help and go fuck yourself. I was with you until you said you were a social moron. So you might just be irritating her, causing her to say these hostile things. You know what I would do? I would back the fuck off. That works a lot with women. Just backing the fuck off. Especially when they feel any of that fucking space. Let the pony go prance down the street a couple of fucking times. And the second she knows that you're okay with it, then she'll be like, oh wait, does he not give a fuck anymore? And she'll come up like a stray cat that gave you milk. But that's a game. You don't want to play a game with them. Or maybe you do. I would just back off. I keep the conversation light and I call her bluff.

Okay, that's not something you need to know until I want to tell you. And I would just, you know, wait for her to tell me. I'd be like, why aren't you asking blah, blah, blah. This was classic human behavior. Don't fucking ask me about that. And then you don't. You don't even care. Classic human behavior, male and female, right? So I would just back the fuck off and then, you know, when she, if she does that mental mind fuck flip, I would then just say, you know, I was, I just felt like I needed to give you your space because I felt like I was annoying you. You know, and then that's funny because then they can't get mad at that, but then they still are still in mad tone. No, okay, like I appreciate that. And you're not annoying me, but and they're still, and then they kind of realized that they're just sitting in a big bucket of them. And you're not in there anymore. So then they kind of have to fucking, I don't know.

I don't know, trying to figure myself out and then also trying to like, you know, be in a relationship and figure all of that out. It's, it's, it's, it ain't easy. It ain't easy, but you can take comfort in the fact that it's not easy with anybody, which is why I always find divorces fascinating, not that they get divorced. I get saying, you know what, and leaving, I get that, but to re-up, to sign up for another hitch, like, okay, I'm going to find this, this person that is just absolutely 100% gets me, calls me, never calls me on any of my bullshit. It's just not going to happen. Um, you know, I think a woman can possibly find a guy like that just because of the dynamics of a relationship. Like to find a woman that isn't going to call you on any of your bullshit. I mean, that's, it's like what they do. You know what I mean?

You know, that's like looking down a garden hose and then wondering why you got wet. It's, it's, it's what it does. But women can find a guy like dumb enough that he isn't going to be checking up on him or anything or checking in with them at all, which eventually they will resent because they won't feel mentally challenged because they'll realize challenged in a mental way. I say that right. Um, in an intellectual way. Are you saying mentally challenged people? I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. I use too many big words there. Um, yeah, I don't know. I don't even know what your fucking question was anymore. All I know is that how I handle shit like that is the same advice I gave to that, that Puerto Rican lady there. It's just, you decide, you know, duly noted, duly noted.

Cause the dumbest thing to do is when somebody has makes that big of a fucking hostile statement, it's for you to be like, well, you know what? Well, fuck you then. I mean, that's stupid because then that's where it is. What you want is the, the, the discussion to end on their fucked up statement. And then you just like fine. Cause then it's, it's still, it's on their side. You didn't take the bait and say something fucked up, which I actually think a lot of times, you know, the other person wants you to do. So then you can argue about, yeah, it's like deflection or whatever the fuck they call it. All right. I'm in way over my head here. All right, people, that is the podcast. Um, go fuck yourselves. Have a great week. I'll check in on you on Thursday and, uh, that's it.

All right. You know, I didn't even talk Red Sox Yankees. I got totally out of loop with baseball. I think the Yankees got us two games in a row. I don't know what that means. Playoff implications, but I thought the blue jays was sort of dropping off. I have no idea what it's an amazing race. And I haven't had the fucking time to watch it, but, um, this has been like a good title fight. You know, the Red Sox were pouring on and then we fucking, then the Yankees came back, gave us the right there. Fred with the 13 game winning streak, then we started fucking pouring on. They started dropping off. Now we're face to face. They're pouring on. So who knows? We'll meet in the playoffs. Maybe we get them. I don't know. If I knew, if I did know, I would have won my bets on NFL Sunday.

All right. That's it. I'll talk to you guys on Thursday.