Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-28-15

Episode Date: September 29, 2015

Bill rambles about the Alamo, older women and the new history series: "What If They Knew?

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Oh, yeah. Fucking burned out. I just got back from the road. Oh, what a tour I had. What a lovely, wonderful time I had going all the way through Texas. I want to thank everybody who came out to the shows this week. We had an awesome time. Probably too much fun, if you know what I mean.

And when I say that, I mean, I'm on my way back. The pendulum is swinging back the other way for me to become a fat pasty-titted jackass again. However, I'm going to nip it in the... Is it in the butt? Is it in the butt? You know, you nipping something in the butt like a dog bites somebody in the ass, or you pruning a fucking flower? I have no idea, but what I do know is that I'll get 100 emails telling me how fucking dumb I am.

I've been getting a bunch of those lately. Jesus Christ, there are fucking critics out there. Yeah. Mother fuckers, I'm just taking my goddamn knees out lately, you know. Did I ever say I was smart? I don't think I did. I don't know what their problem is. Oh, I know what their problem is.

Yeah, they probably didn't go after what they wanted in life, and now they're fucking miserable, so they just sit around going, meh, meh. Do you know some jerk-off sent me an email? He actually counted how many times me and Paul Verzi said, dude, it was one of the saddest things I ever heard. Why the fuck would you do? I counted over 100 times.

That's what you did. That's what you did with a half hour of your life, you fucking dope. Some people, you just want to fucking shake them by their shoulders. Good Lord, turn it off then. I do want to apologize for the levels, man. I know I fucked it up last time. You know, it's just weird things where the levels can be completely way too high, but if in the headphones you don't hear it,

you know, that's what you have a mixer for. That's actually what you have a sound guy for, and I don't have one. So, I apologize for that, but I think it was very fitting that the podcast on Thursday, in an audio sense, was completely fucked up, and for some of you, in a verbal sense. Anyways, I think, you know, if you saw the fucking abuse that we did last week to our bodies,

I don't know what my fucking problem is. I couldn't fucking stop. I couldn't stop, like every night I would be dragging ass, getting ready to go do my show, going, dude, what the fuck am I doing? Then the second you go out on stage, the adrenaline starts going, you get a couple laughs, you feel fucking great, right? And then literally the first show, halfway through it,

I'll just be thinking like, ah, I can have a beer tonight. I'll have one, I'll have one, then I'll go to bed, and it'll be fine. The next thing, you know, you walk in the streets of San Antonio, and the fucking security guard at the Alamo tells you to get the fuck out of there. You know? It's Verzi's running around. Verzi goes, take a picture of me in front of the Alamo, right? And you gotta know right now how fucking drunk we are.

Walking around like a couple of dopes with smoking cigars, of course, right? Let's go over and smoke a cigar in front of the fucking Alamo. You know, why not do that? Why learn about the history? We actually ended up learning about the history because Verzi went over, and he goes, dude, take a picture of me in front of the Alamo. For some reason, there's this security guard working late night. He goes, hey, you can't do that, you can't do that.

So Verzi goes, take the picture, and he rips his shirt off, and makes this absolutely psycho look on his face just to get the fucking security guard going. It's like, what do you mean we can't do that? Why can't we take a picture of the fucking Alamo? Is it after hours? So then he comes up and he thinks we're a couple of drunk assholes, which we are, right? You gotta see the picture of Verzi. I sent it to him, maybe he'll put it online.

I'm gonna leave it up to him, but dude, I have to tell you, Paul Verzi is one of the most happiest, go lucky people I've ever seen in my life, and he looks like a fucking serial killer. Like, I saw the photo and I said to him, I was like, dude, if this picture was the poster of a movie, I would go see it immediately. You look like a fucking lunatic. So anyways, the guy comes over and he starts talking to us, and immediately we just start asking him questions about the Alamo,

and he couldn't resist, he couldn't resist, and he started telling us all this information. And I was sitting there going like, well, no wonder all the guys died, look how small the wall is. That's like even smaller than that thing that people have to run up on and at the end of the American Ninja Warrior. You know, if anything would fuck me over on that show, as long as you had a decent, halfway decent thing,

you could figure you could work the grip strength up, right? If they had an approaching 50 years old American Ninja Warrior obstacle course, I feel like I could work my way up to get through it, but there's nothing helping. There's nothing helping my, I got white guy disease, you know what I mean? White guys, we got those meaty calves, they weigh us down, you know what I mean? We need those fucking deer legs. We just don't have, we got big dumb meaty calves.

Our calves are like fucking, they're like ankle weights. I don't know what it is, but there's no fucking way I could ever get over that. So I'm sitting there looking at the wall at the Alamo going like, dude, I swear to God, I feel like I could do a run, plant one foot midway up the wall, and I think I got a shot. I got a shot, man, I could go right up and over. What's up there, Daniel Boone? What do you say to your Sam Houston?

Where's Davy Crockett, huh? What about that guy who settled Virginia and banged the Indian woman, and then they shaved his head and they made him one of them, right? And then they murdered everybody but him. What was his name? What was it, Eddie Virginia? I know it has something to do with Virginia. Tim Richmond.

The fuck was his name? Michael West Virginia? Jonestown. What the fuck was that guy's name? The first settlement down there in Virginia. I know there's a city or there's a street named after him, isn't there? That guy fucking did it right, right? He landed there and immediately interacted, fucking started banging one of the natives.

That's what you do. You assimilate. He was like, oh yeah? Is that how you make corn? That's fantastic. Show up with a belt buckle on your hat. I mean, you think you're not going to get scalped, you fucking dope, standing there with your white socks like you're going to do the Billie Jean moonwalk

across the fucking plane? You know what's funny? Did they even dress like that? You know, how much of what you think is actual history is actually just what the first people in Hollywood did when they made movies, you know what I mean? And then that just became like, oh, this is, this is what it was. You know, like I always do the classic when they talk about the Native Americans

and playing drums and they always do that. That was completely made up by a white guy. There is no, there's not one shred of evidence. In fact, one of my brothers one time took a tour someplace, I don't know, in Arizona and the guy was talking about Indians in Native American, sorry, in percussion, right? And he was going, he was showing some of the ways that they would play the drums. He goes, they would do it this way, they do it this way,

they do it that way, yada, yada, yada. He goes, but at no point did they ever go bang, bang, bang, bang. He killed, he crushed, got an applause break. The whole place started laughing because it was a bunch of white people, I imagine going, oh yeah, that's what we thought they did. So anyways, let me get back to where the fuck I was at. So we're at the goddamn Alamo, right? And we start talking to this guy, he tells the whole fucking story, man.

Jesus Christ, it was brutal. Oh really, Bill? Was the massacre there? You know, until you're actually there and you're looking at it and you're standing on the grounds of it? Because what killed me was what they've left of the fort was the inner perimeter. So where we were standing disrespectfully taking silly photos was where a lot of people died.

They just took down the wall that was around the fort. So what we were looking at was this inner area, you know, where probably the officers, you know, took advantage of the women that were there, whatever the fuck happened back in the 1800s, I don't know. And basically what happens when they showed up was they just fucking killed every guy there. Even if you gave up, they just lined you up and shot you. And as fucked up as that was, I always think back to whoever lost the war, you know, which I'm going on a limb here saying it was Mexico.

Because I have no idea. Because they never talked. Anyway, they never talked about the fucking. I don't even know when it happened, to be honest with you. I didn't take the tour. Like I said, I was drunk with the cigar. So I mean, it wasn't like the Spanish American War. Didn't that take place in like the Philippines?

Some fucked up like, I don't even know. This is fucking hilarious because every history class I took when I was. I'm just laughing now, thinking of you guys rolling your eyes how embarrassed. You should be embarrassed as an American. They yet again, I'm doing this and this could go out to anybody outside of our borders. I should get audited right now for not knowing this shit. They would always start with 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue and then the pilgrims and then they get through the Revolutionary War. Maybe the war of 1812, you'd get up to that and then they stopped and they just kept going back to it.

Every fucking year, just hammering that shit into your head. Thomas Jefferson, I could not tell a lie. Completely ignored the genocide of the Native Americans. Completely ignored slavery. Just ignored all of it. It's just every fucking year going back to the goddamn powdered wigs. I fucking hated it. And then when I finally got to, I finally got to high school.

I took this honors history class because I actually liked history and then we did ancient medieval history. Holy shit. That might have been the most boring stuff. Oh, I just remember the cover of the book had this ancient medieval broken plate on it. It almost looks like that stupid, that, that dish they give women when they win Wimbledon, which always cracked me up. You know what I mean? They give a guy a chalice to drink fucking wine out of. So he gets blown by a hooker and a woman wins Wimbledon.

They give her a plate. Yeah, why don't you go make some biscuits there, sweetheart? I'm surprised feminist groups haven't complained. Like, why don't we get a trophy? Why do we get that deviled egg fucking plate? You know what I mean? I don't know. Maybe it's considered a plaque.

The fuck do I know? I thought the Spanish-American war happened in the Philippines. I know we went over the Philippines at some point. We did some sort of damage. But could I find it on a map? Actually, I could because I've been to Singapore. All right. It was east of it.

It was east of Singapore, if I remember correctly. Oh, yes. I've, I've spread my ignorance around the globe. So anyways, we're there and the guy was talking about, you know, how they, they let the women and children live, but they completely just killed every guy there, even if you surrendered. Even if you were running away from the fourth, they just shot you in the back. And I just was thinking, like, yeah, man, I mean, that's what you got to do. Like whoever that commander was, Santa Monica, whatever the fuck his name was,

Santa something or the Santa Cruz, San Jose. I think it was a city, but it was actually a guy. It was like his last name. I think even California had to give it up being like, you know what, that motherfucker was going hard. I know that's not his name. And I don't have time to look it up because that would involve research. All right.

You just fucking sit there in your cubicle and you listen to this. How dare you judge me in my ignorance. It's just sitting there at your job, making money, not doing your fucking job. How dare you, maybe listening to it in your car. I don't know what you're doing. So anyways, I always think that like that's how hard, like when I were, I think about, you know, if I was a native American and I knew, forget that. If you knew, if they knew, there we go.

There's the fucking right pronoun, right? The pronoun or is it an adverb? If they knew what the fuck was going to go down. Can you imagine? That'd be a great series of films just called if they knew, right? And it all about history, about horrific wrongs that were done about one group of people to another, you know, and you know how each one of them would start. Every little clip of if they knew would start with a bunch of white people come

pulling up in a boat. Oh, who are these people? Hey everybody, next thing you know, you're enslaved or you're fucking, you know, just getting murdered. I always thought about if they knew, like the native Americans, what the fuck they would, they would, I swear to God, they would all join forces like in the warriors. Can you take it, right? And what they would have to do.

Okay. Is they would have to let everybody come ashore. Right. And this is what you do at night. You slip onto the boats and you kill everybody who's on the boat. So now there's no escape. All right. And then you'd have to murder everybody.

Men, women, children, all of them. You'd have to murder all of them. All right. Then once all of that was done, one group of people. Okay. Is in charge. You got to take those bodies and you have to drag those motherfuckers hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of miles inland.

And you got to bury them where no one's ever going to find them. All right. And then meanwhile, another group of people has to systematically begin dismantling those ships. All right. So that the belief would be that they never made it to the shores of America. Right. Now that wouldn't work because they just keep sending more and the boats would get better.

I was trying to think like how could the Native Americans stopped what happened at some point. Oh, I know what you do. You're fucking, you'd have to keep the weapons. Why would you take apart the boat bill? You're fucking dope. No, keep the boat. All right. Fuck that.

Let's let's back up here. Still kill everybody on land. Still drag him a fucking couple hundred miles inland. Still bury him. All right. Kill everybody on the boat except for like five, six people. And then you go, listen, motherfucker, you don't teach us how to drive this goddamn thing. All right.

We're going to fucking, I don't know. We're going to do something to you. It's going to be really painful. All right. I don't know. You somehow you get them to teach you how to drive the boat. And once you get the boat, right, you start breaking down. I don't know the cannonballs and shit.

I don't know how you do it. You just have to keep killing these motherfuckers. No, maybe the best way to do it is that they don't know, you know what? I don't have a fucking solution. God damn it. White people are fucking evil. Huh? Even me as a white person, you think I could figure out how to stop us?

You know what? I got to get back to you. If you guys got any suggestions how you could have stopped that, but it is you have to do what they're doing to you, what they're going to do to you first. That's the only way to do it. You know what I mean? People come over, right? They got a better pistol than you do, right?

And they think that God thinks what they're doing is right. Yeah, it's fucking over. There's not going to be the only time I ever fucking saw the indigenous people survived the boatload of white people showed up was in New Zealand. All right? And if you saw the people who are indigenous in New Zealand, every one of them, I swear to God, is built like a Hall of Fame linebacker. And I'm not just talking about, they look like, listen, this dude could change the fucking

game. And white people pulled up and were just like, all right. You know what? That's we're going to be here with you. And we're going to kind of like share this area. I mean, I was only in New Zealand for like three fucking days, but that's what I was told while drinking in a bar. It might be wrong.

It might be right. You know, hopefully it's wrong because, you know, somebody can count how many words I fucking used incorrectly. Oh, I don't think I've ever done that. If I have it counted words, I don't know, maybe, maybe people are into that bill. You know, why does everybody have to do what you do? You do. All right, go fuck yourself.

Trying to find this. Oh my God. What the fucking notification thing, you know, something Apple with this whole shit where they just have this new thing where they sync everything and you can't delete the app and go fuck yourself. This is how it's going to be. Do you guys realize myself included that we are allowing the fucking nerds at Apple to grab us by the back of our necks and shove our face into dog shit and just we basically

gave up some freedoms on this new round with the iPhone 6 and their new MacBook Air thing that I bought here, you know, as I sit there paying the fucking person who's probably looking at me through that little video camera, right? I just gave him the finger. Huh, you like that? I'm a rebel, you know? I'm stopping. What's going on?

Um, I don't, I just, I resent the whole thing to my level of being a maniac with control being a control freak. Do you know when I was in San Antonio, um, I believe we were at Trinity college, like every fucking gig was just like wake up, drive four hours, get in the hotel, shower, put your gig clothes on, go down, do the gig and leave and have to fucking places. I didn't even know where the hell I was at, but, uh, but the shows are all shows are awesome. I tell you right now, I fucking love Texas and fuck everybody who says all the bad shit about it.

I love those people down there, man. Fucking good time. Um, and I only had one fucking guy, only one maniac that really just said something really ugly, uh, when I was on stage, which was, I thought was pretty good. I was doing this thing about Caitlyn Jenner and this guy in the upper deck just goes fuck that fucking science experiment or something like that. And I was just like, wow, right, but you know, it was great. I got like 20 emails from people from Houston that were going, how embarrassed they were

and hoping that I wasn't going to judge Houston like that. You know what I mean? Of course, they didn't yell out while that was going on because, uh, when people are dumb to that level, it's really loud. I don't know why, look at me. I'm dumb. You know, but the dumber you get, the louder you get, right? And then people who know it's bullshit, they just kind of said, that's embarrassing.

I was just kind of sending an email. A few people yelled shut the fuck up. I don't know what happened, but that was the only thing other than that, you know, the way people, especially out in Hollywood, the way they look at, you know, they're fucking elitist goddamn attitudes out here. I swear to God, I swear to God, I thought I was liberal till I came out of here. I cannot fucking stand the politics that are out here. They are so fucked.

It's literally Fox news to the left. They are as fucking ridiculous as anybody you've ever seen on who's that fucking chick who looks like she needs some iron in her system, whatever it is. She's got like gray skin. Me and DeRosa used to always talk about her. She sounds like she manages wrestlers. Like what she says is so over the top, whatever, obviously it's all the way to the right. But out here in Hollywood, you get that to the left.

It's as fucking ridiculous. And they think that just, just is right. I don't know. I just, I do not enjoy political conversation out here is not a fun thing to be involved in. You know what I mean? Let me just put it that way. So anyways, the fuck was I talking about?

Ah, there you go again, Bill. You know, you're going these fucking tangents and you forget what the hell you're talking about. Back it up here, Bill. Where the fuck? You have to run through Texas, Trinity College, somebody trying to call, yeah, yeah, control freak thing. Right.

So we're coming out of fucking Trinity College. And as we're coming out, it's one of these old school venues where they used to build these venues and then there was just, there was one way in and one way out. So it was going to be horrific. Just, you know, it reminds me way back in the day when they, they, uh, when they first made great woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts, I don't know what it's called now. I saw Eddie Murphy there on the raw tour, by the way, had lawn seats, the weather girls opened up.

It's one of my great, I saw Stevie Ray Vaughn there. I saw so many fucking amazing shows there. I saw Rodney Dangerfield. Jesus, I'm old anyways, I saw Burton Lancaster, um, what was I saying here? So the big thing about that venue was everybody's excited that they built it because all these great bands were going there. But for some fucking reason they had like, it was like a driveway, you know, so over the course of the day, like 20,000 fucking people would show up driving through this

one entrance and there was already traffic, but at the end, all 20,000 tried to get out at the same time. And remember the local radio stations would do these hilarious bits about people, uh, still there and not being able to get to work, you know. So anyway, so this was one of these types of venues, uh, except it only held like 300 people. Fuck you. But still, you know what I mean?

It was going to be brutal. Try to get out of there. So we're running out of there. I jump in the car with Verzi and there's already people, you know, running out to try to do what I'm doing. So as we're sitting there, I want to bang a right when I get out of the driveway to go exactly where I came from. And the cops telling me, he sees my directional and he wants me to, he wants me to go left.

So I'm trying to go right and he blows the whistle, points right at me and then points to the direction he wants me to go to. And I fucking, we got so mad. I fucking pointed right at him. I pointed right back at him. I was like, fuck you, you douchess. I yelled at him, pointing at him. Fortunately, my headlights were on it was dark out so he couldn't see it.

And I turned to the left and you know what was funny was it ended up being the proper way to go out. It was, it was like a dream. It was like melted butter. He was actually doing me a favor, um, and not steering me into trouble. And I swear to God, if you saw the look on Verzi's face, just looking at me like, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? And the only, I think redeemable quality that I have about my personality is, uh, when

I do shit like that and somebody looks at me, I can, I at least I'm immature enough to be like, yeah, I know, dude, I know. I'm a fucking moody psychopath. I know you don't even have to say anything. I see it on your face. I know you're right. You gotta fucking point and the whistle. You know, all right.

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you didn't incorporate yourself. It's a great way to fucking do it. All right. There's the lame in terms. I hope that made sense. All right. Let's plow ahead here. I was, oh, you know what we went to?

We went to Texas OSU on Saturday, and I gotta tell you, man, I've been such a huge fan of the Longhorns my whole life, man. I just loved, I just was fucking, it was a great mascot, great colors. I started watching them back when like Jerry Gray was one of their big all Americans. I remember he went with the Rams if I was correct. I was just a fan. I thought he was fucking great player. I missed Earl Campbell, but they were always good.

Texas football was always the shit. So I always wanted to go. And as I mentioned before, I think I told this last time I always wanted to go and I booked myself at the Cap City Comedy Club and they were playing Missouri in the afternoon. I was going to do the show at night and then I was all excited. I bought tickets. I was ready to go and then when it ended up happening was Texas and Missouri were both 4-0 and the flex scheduled moved the game to like eight o'clock at night or seven o'clock

at night. So not only did I not get to go to the game, nobody showed up, nobody showed up to my fucking show. And so I finally got to go and I'd like to thank Dudley from the Dudley and Bob show who hooked me up with some tickets and South by Southwest Festival. They also, I'm sorry, the moon tower festival, the moon tower festival also hooked me up with tickets. I had more tickets than I needed and I was actually able to hook up with some other

friends that I've made in Austin and oh man, it was great dude. And I got to thank Luke and all his friends for reaching out to me on Twitter and me and Verzi showed up. We drove up from San Antonio, right? Oh dude, we had the best fucking time. Drove up, got a small breakfast because we knew this kid Luke was going to be smoking, whatever the fuck he was going to be smoking. And we showed up at their tailgate, you know, threw some money in.

We brought some shit. We brought some biscuits in from the Czech bakery that it's somewhere, it's near Waco, Texas, whenever you go from, if you ever drive Dallas to Austin or vice versa, when you're on the, I think it's, is it the 35 or the 45? Whatever the one that's, it's further left, if you're looking at a map, there's a place out there called the, the Czech bakery and just, I'm not even going to describe it, just fucking go in there and get yourself one of their breakfast sandwiches. It's fucking insane.

It's fucking insane. Every time I drive down there and you walk in there and you're like, I'm just going to get one and then you walk in and next thing you know, you're getting three and splitting a fourth one with whoever the fuck you're with. And you hate yourself afterwards, but it's delicious. So I bought a bunch of shit from there, you know, some sauerkraut and biscuits and stuff to add to it. And we showed up and this dude, Luke was making, uh, he was smoking sausage wrapped in chicken

wrapped in bacon. All right. And then his side, he had sweet potatoes with this, uh, this butter that he made that had bourbon in it and like brown sugar for the sweet potatoes, dude, it was that butter on the potato. I was joking when I was eating it. I was like, I feel like I'm like getting buzzed and I'm going to have a heart attack at the same time.

It's one of the greatest things I've ever tasted. Then he actually had a hearty coleslaw. Is anything worse than the fucking milky shit? It's all watering down, spilling into all the good food. He had the hearty kind fucking delicious. And then they had a peach cobbler that had a peach and cherry in it. And, um, dude, it was fucking outstanding. And I tried to pick up, uh, you know, a couple of tips up on smoking meat and everything,

but he actually had a smoker. So that's completely different than the, the big green egg. My problem has been keeping the fire going. So I actually had a, uh, a podcast listener reach out who has a big green egg was nice enough to send me a long email about some stuff. So I'm going to try to smoke some ribs on Wednesday, you know, I'm just going to keep doing it till I fucking get it down. But anyway, so we met a bunch of people there and first he said, the funniest fucking thing

we were standing there is we're, as we're eating the food, it's like so good. Like whispering going, oh my God, dude, this is fucking unreal. And Verzi goes like, he goes, dude, I think people in the South are just inherently better at cookouts or barbecues, whatever you want. And we would, I was joking with one of the guys there was saying, like, because of the fucking, we're growing up in the Northeast, we can only cook out for like, you know, whatever, five months, five and a half months out of the year. And then the rest of the time it's just too goddamn, uh, it's just too goddamn cold or

the weather is just too fucking bad. So every year the South, the people in the warmer clients just, they just increased the gap, but it was just fucking delicious, right? And so we ended up going to the game and I'm rooting for Texas, of course. And I got to tell you something, man, I think I'm a fucking jinx. I just realized that since I started going to these big college games every year, the home team has never won. All right.

The last time it happened, I went to a game, I went to a Georgia bulldog game in like September with some cupcake game. I can't even remember who the fuck they played. All right. But since then, all right, this year it was Texas OSU, Texas, I'll just name all the teams who they played. The first teams, the whole team. All right.

Texas OSU fucking OSU woods. All right. Last year I went to Miami, Florida state, Florida state one. The year before I went to LSU, no, LSU, uh, no, no, Texas A&M, Alabama, Alabama one. The year before that I went to LSU, Alabama and one again. And then the year before that I went to the cotton bowl, which is neutral ground for the Longhorns in Oklahoma, they play the Red River game there. I went to that game rooted for Texas, bet on Texas and Oklahoma smoked them.

So that is one, two, three, four, five. Is that five games? I'm like, oh, in five. So I got to break the streak. I'm almost not going to say who the fuck I'm going to next year because, oh, I got it. No. In a couple of weeks, I'm going to Notre Dame USC. Notre Dame's the home team and I am rooting for Notre Dame.

All right. Me and Versey were joking because Versey's been to all those games with me. I was saying we're like that guy in the mush in a Bronx tale. So my apology to all Longhorn fans for going to that game and rooting for you guys. And I'd like to some thank you letters from some cowboy fans there at OSU. Dude, I got to tell you, man, that was such a brutal game to fucking watch and you could feel it. You could feel it was going to happen.

Dude, Texas won that game like six fucking times and then they lost it. It was unreal, man. Every time they, they, they could put them away. They just let them back into the game and that final fucking play, I don't like making fun of college kids when they don't, uh, when they fuck up because they're not professionals yet. So I'm not going to name any names, but, uh, that last offensive play, I guess special teams play, they literally should have been like Benny Hill music playing.

I, it just, all they had to do was kick the ball away. They still had to hold them. You can't break it down to one fucking play. I mean, God knows that pass underneath was there for him all fucking day and they had no answer for it. Um, you think if you score two defensive touchdowns in a game, your defense gave you 14 points. You think you could win the fucking game and they somehow in the end, they hiked the ball, the punter dropped the ball and then he's running with the ball.

He goes to kick it. You know, it goes a mile in the air, but it only went like two yards before it went out of bounds. And at that point it looked like it was going to go into overtime and it's like, well, at least maybe they still have a chance to at least win this game that they already won six times in overtime. And then that play happens and OSU got the ball and I think they ran it like one time just to position it and then they just kicked the fucking ball and, uh, I think that was

it or maybe they kicked it off with one second left and it was over and it was fucking brutal. But, um, but I guess, hey, long run fans are great, man. They weren't like, uh, you know, college fans are different, man. When shit's not going well, they're not as, at least in the stadium, they act like class acts. I didn't hear a lot of, uh, screaming about the coach or anything. So anyway, so we ended up going back to the tailgate and, uh, I forgot to tell you guys, the university, like just out of sheer boredom of driving four hours every fucking day, uh,

we were, uh, driving down from Dallas to San Antonio, I think that day. And that was like a four and a half hour drive with the traffic and shit. And we were trying to write a country song and, uh, we came up with this country song. Uh, we just, uh, so, oh, cause we all the color was bunch of country stations. So we kept shutting off the radio. We turned, or we turned the station and to have the sound down, go to a new country station and be like, all right, what's this song about? Is it about heart heartache, uh, country road or America?

And we just, that was what we, that's how we were killing time. So then just using that form, then we started writing this country song and we came up with it. We came up with the chorus anyways of a country, a hit country song. Now granted, we can't sing, but if we got like Travis Tritt or somebody, you know, like, uh, you know, with some sort of skills, we think this could be a hit. So we came up with the song, basically went America first, every other place is the worst. Rather be in a fucking hearse than to live in another country.

That was basically the chorus. I know it's terrible, but we'll fuck you with driving four hours in the middle of Texas. What are we going to do? There's nothing to say. You just fucking driving endlessly, right? So we were coming up with a guy and now we can come up with the verses and we're just like, well, she's been to Paris and he's been to Rome and you've been to London, but that ain't home to me.

I can't remember what we somehow get. That's why I say America first, every other place is worse. Every other place is worse. Not the worst. First he kept getting on with it. So anyway, so we, we come out of the game and you know, we're drunk, right? As you do. And we show back up at the tailgate.

We say goodbye to Luke and all those guys and we get out of our cigars and we couple of drinks. So then we're standing there. We don't have a ride back because we capped it over and we're both old men. So neither one of us has the fucking Uber app on our, on our phones. And there's like no taxis left. So we're just sort of stranded at the UT campus, just laughing, smoking cigars. And as people will walk and buy, Verzi starts telling them, Hey, hey, excuse me, excuse

me, me and my buddy here, we got a number one country song on iTunes. We're really excited about it. We're just trying to get a little word of mouth going because the numbers are going down. Would it be okay if we sing the chorus to you? Right. And I'm thinking, what the fuck is he doing? But he did it.

So I'm like, all right, we got to do it. So it'd be like groups are like, you know, four or five people, these UT girls, and we were sitting there hammered with cigars, totally committed, going America first, and immediately they'd have a worried look on their face. Every other place is worse, rather be in a fucking hearse. And then we get to the end to live in another country. And we'd go country. You had to bring your chin down to your chest and then you brought it up.

It was either that part would make us laugh or the fucking hearse. And we bombed with it, man. These girls were just walking away, shaking their heads or just laughing. And then there was this one dude walk by, man. This guy was fucking hilarious. He came walking by. He's by himself, this Latino dude, right? Big guy.

And he's like, all right, man. He goes, oh, listen to that. He takes his headphones off and we start singing it. And he immediately gets a smirk on his face. And then we start laughing. And then all three of us, it's just great. All three of us were laughing and he couldn't tell if he was serious or not. He just knew it was fucking stupid.

I know it's probably one of my favorite times of the trip. And then finally this absolute fucking sweetheart stopped and she was so nice. And we sang the whole thing. I actually felt bad about cursing. That's how nice she was. And then like, as we were singing it, like three times, she went, oh, oh, like, like it was nice. She was so nice.

And then she just goes like, oh, no, that was good. It was good. You know, we found out we go, what do you do for a living? You know what? I swear to God, she was a social worker. She just was a big hearted, encouraging person. She was so like fucking such a sweetheart. We were like standing on the other side of like this little stone wall.

So we wouldn't freak out. You know, a couple guys standing in a wooded area going, hey, ladies, ladies, it's kind of creepy at night. So we were on the other side of a wall to get a little bit of a barrier so we could get people to actually stop. Verzi actually walked around. She was such a sweetheart. He walked around to the other side of the wall and gave her a hug.

Um, anyway, so, so that's what we did. You know, that was Texas. And then I went on to, uh, America first. That's going to be in your head. I'm telling you, somebody out there with some talent, man, trying to think of some of the other lyrics we came up with or something like I like. Pick up trucks and pony tails shooting fuzzy curators. No, shooting little curators with fuzzy tails.

Sitting in a tree, Ford covering in deer. You're run. I can't remember how it goes. We would, everything we would come up with, uh, whatever, we were killing a fucking drive. What do you want from me? But if you know, if you guys want to flush that thing out, I don't give a, I don't want to talk to anybody anymore. Um, can you tell I'm also reading right now?

So easily I get fucking distracted. Have I talked NFL football yet? Suck it, suck it, suck it. New England Patriots. I caught the end of the game. Um, missed the entire fucking game as always. I missed the whole fucking game. I was flying up to Toronto.

So, uh, I was hilarious when I landed. I get my, uh, the guy picking me up, right? I jump in. I'm going, what's going on? Yeah. I go, Hey man, I just realized it was Sunday. Go, did you guys get NFL football up here? And he was like, what?

I go NFL football, you know, like Patriots, Cowboys, Steelers, you get American football up here and he's looking me in the rear of your mirror and he just goes, no, I just start laughing. I'm like, I mean, I forget it. But when I got to my hotel room, they had it on. I actually had the Buffalo Bills network because I was in Toronto, which was really cool seeing their local shows and that type of thing and seeing them all wanted to, you know, rebound from the heartache and loss to, uh, to the Patriots.

And Jesus Christ, did they ever, oh my God, they absolutely fucking raped the dolphins yesterday and, um, as did the Patriots with the Jaguars. So, uh, like I said, man, we play them again. I'm still calling it, man. I still think that that could go, uh, I don't know. For some reason, I just think if, if you have a good defense and then if you play a team two times in a year, you usually split, it would really be great to beat Rex Ryan twice.

So then you don't have to listen to him talk shit again, but that's what makes him great though, the fact that even though he has a mediocre team, I'm still worried about beating him. I was like, we got to beat this guy so he doesn't talk a bunch of shit. Um, he's fucking great. He's like a one man, uh, promotional team there, but, um, I didn't watch many other games. I, uh, by then I had to go out and, um, go do my show.

I caught a little bit of the late game, uh, the Sunday night game or did I, I can't even fucking remember, but I wish I'd watched the Cowboys game. That looked like that was a hell of a game, um, but I pretty much missed everything. So, uh, I think I got to go on the NFL network and try to watch some shit, but I'm definitely going to be watching, um, the Monday night game tonight and I ain't going out. I'm not doing shit. I'm wiped out.

AC DC is playing tonight at Dodger stadium. And, uh, if I get a second wind, I'm going to go out there. And I know what you guys are thinking, Bill, how the fuck can you not go at least go get some nosebleed seats for that. And I've just been on the road for 15 fucking days, drinking smoke and cigars and all of that shit. And, uh, I'm completely fucking wiped out. I've seen them a bunch of times and I know that this isn't their last fucking tour.

You know what it is, dude? I fucked up. I didn't get tickets and I hate myself right now because I'm not going and it's going to crush me that they're going to play and I'm going to miss and I'm terrified that this is the last time they're going to go. And I know that I'm going to regret that I'm not going to go tonight because I'm fucking wiped out there. That's the truth.

All right. Before you jump all over me. All right. Let's get into some of the, uh, questions here for this week. Uh, rugby world cup. You know, everybody keeps talking to me about this in Japan winning. I really feel like I missed out on something, man. Sounded amazing.

Hey, Bill, uh, dear billion person, how the hell are you? I'm good because he wrote me too. Anyway, uh, I don't know if it's getting much time on sports center, but the rugby world cup is on in England at the moment. The USA are playing Scotland as I write this and winning, although probably not for long, uh, just Jesus Christ. What do they make per game to fucking knock their brains out? So you, I'm talking about the USA team.

Um, I'm a huge fucking fan of rugby. And, uh, I got to tell you two sports that I kind of make fun of that. I'm actually starting to get into. I find myself trying to fight it, but if it comes on TV, I'm watching it. Soccer and golf. They're sucking me in, uh, just wondering what you know and or think about the game. I think it'd be right up your alley. Big guys beating the hell out of each other to move a ball to the other end of

the pitch. There are rules, but that, uh, that's the guts of it. I like to hear your thoughts. Thanks for doing your job. Uh, I benefit from it. Oh, thank you. Um, anyway, let's go fuck yourself. Um, I absolutely love watching rugby when I'm in Europe or if I'm in a country

that supports it, I don't know what it is. Just the announcers, you can hear it in their voice. It means something. You hear the crowd. It's just, um, it's just something about being over there. I mean, I would become the biggest fucking, I'm going to keep calling it soccer. So American listeners don't get confused with the football thing. Um, and please, can somebody for the love of God not ask me again, why American

football is called football? You barely kick it with your foot. I've told you why a long time ago, we figured out that your football is fucking excruciatingly boring, and then if you picked it up and added some violence to it, you know what I mean? We do everything on 10, you know, just fucking with you. Um, no, when I'm over in, in England, like in those premiere league games, come on, I really get into it.

It's fucking great. How can you not from in England? It's fucking cold out. I'm in a pub. I'm drinking a beer and everybody's going nuts and they're riveted watching the shit. It is impossible not to get sucked into it. And I have to tell you, I am fascinated by people who don't give a fuck about

sports, fascinated and envious of like, God, what do you do with all that free time? I'll kill a whole fucking Sunday. But it up, but it up, up, up, up, right? By the end of the fucking day, I'm sitting there like Eddie Murphy and the clumps. Remember the outtake when he had the ice cream pouring out of his fucking when he had it coming out of his bottom lift. That's what the fuck I look like by the end of the day.

And I do it again the next Sunday. If I'm not flying to Toronto, um, I think rugby is the shit. I think Australian rules, football is the shit. And I think soccer, football, let me be respectful to the rest of the world. I think all of it's the shit. All of it's great, man. Sports are awesome. I don't have a problem with any of it.

And, um, if it's violent, it's fucking maniacs running around. My only real complaint, because I really do think soccer is a beautiful sport. My complaint is, is the diving. And I actually, at this point, prefer women's soccer because they go down and they get right back up, you know, the fucking men about it. All right, friend fucking up, dear Bill, my 26 year old friend, in my opinion, is in deep with a lady. She's around 30 with three kids.

Oh, Jesus. And is recently divorced. Good Lord, dude. Is he wearing like a weighted vest? Just walking around to to add even more difficulty to his fucking day. They've only been together for a few months, but he's already got car seats and shit in his cars to tote these heathens around. He's not what I would call a ladies man.

So anytime he gets into a relationship, he falls in love quick. And you know what? The world needs dopes to you can't help him. He said, my concern is that he's going to end up playing daddy to three kids that aren't his for the rest of his life, which in my opinion, sounds like a goddamn nightmare. Well, those kids also need a father. He's doing something really admirable.

But if he's doing it for the right fucking reason, it's admirable. If he's just a fucking dope with low self-esteem, you got to pull him out of this, man. You know, you got to walk up to those fuck his fucking car and punch out the side windows like the Terminator did to the windshield and you throw those car seats over the fucking guardrail. All right. No, I'm not saying to do that. All right. Anyways, my question is, do I talk to the kid and let him know that

that all of his friends think he's going down the wrong path here? He's the kind of guy who doesn't handle those talks very well. So I could see him going ballistic. Should I let him know or should I let him crash and burn one way or the other with this? I realize watching this trainwreck for the foreseeable future makes me a shitty friend. But as a guy, these conversations suck dick. Listen, dude, you know, he needs to grow up, man.

If he can't handle constructive criticism, if you just say, look, I'm just looking out for you, all right? You're going to go from being a single man with all the options in the world to a committed man with three kids instantly. If this is what you want, I don't know, maybe that'll drive him further into it. I mean, and I also think that a lot of reasons why like he doesn't do well with those conversations is because if he is somebody that just kind of gets into something and gets trapped in something and doesn't know how to express himself,

that usually adds to a lot of anger. How do I know this? Because I've been that guy. I was very like withdrawn. If anybody said hello to me, then I was friends with him. And there was no asking what I wanted, what I needed, what I was looking for. I didn't figure that out. It's a very late in life, which is probably why I didn't get married till I was 45.

But at least I wasn't dumb enough to get married to someone that I wasn't. I always knew enough to be like, all right, I got to get out of this. But I was not good at that at all. And I was a very angry guy. I don't know. I don't know what his deal is or his psychological fucking backgrounds. He got an overbearing father. I have no fucking idea.

I'm not Dr. Phil or Johnny Weismiller here. We have the fuck I'm supposed to use as a reference. But you know, why does Johnny Weismiller sound like a doctor? He's the actor who played Tarzan, by the way. Anyways, all right, asking. So I would just say, you know what, dude, fuck his moodiness. Fucking baby. Just tell him what you think.

You know, just sit down and just say, listen, man, as a friend, I have to say my piece on this thing. All right. I just want to make sure that you know what you're doing here. Because you are taking on an unbelievable responsibility. And you are effectively ending your youth immediately. Dealing with this woman and these three fucking kids. That I mean, it's one thing to get married.

Have a kid, you know, fall in love, get married, right? And then have a kid and you deal with that. Then you have another kid. You deal with that. You're just going, bam, married kids, three kids. Got to pick them up to daycare and whatever. It's like, yeah, you don't need to do that. And I know there's a lot of people out there with divorce with kids

are probably annoyed with me right now. But you know what? I don't give a fuck. This isn't about you. This is about a man who's 26 years old, who he's got the world at his fucking feet. All right. If this is what he wants, if it's what he wants, you got to support it. But if he's being a fucking dope, say your piece so you don't have to feel bad.

All right. And then later, when he talks to you about it, he's going to have to say, like, you know what, dude, you were right. And you'd be like, you know what, it's all right. It's all right. You can crash on my couch. All right. Asking older girl out.

Hey, Billy, fat tits. Hey, fuck you, man. I'm in shape now. I just wanted to say you've encouraged me to lose 30 pounds now since you began. I did as well, but still have a few months to go. Dude, that's fucking great. It's great, man. Good for you.

Keep it going. Anyway, anyway, to the question, I'm 23 and the girl I'm thinking about asking out is 34. I feel like this may be one, maybe the one if she's perhaps said yes, because we click so perfectly when we are together. And when does age become a factor? Well, she's 34. If she wants to have kids, I would think that age is going to be a factor pretty soon. Or should I just move on and try to find someone around my age?

By the way, a great drummer to check out is Marco Miniman. Yeah, I've definitely seen all his stuff. That guy's insane. He goes, I saw him a while back at a Joe Satriani concert and thought it was the greatest drumming I've ever seen. Anyway, keep up the podcast and go fuck yourself. Yeah, that's the kind of guy. He can like do a drum solo to like,

you can give him an excerpt of this paragraph and the way my voice goes up and down. He would voice it on the drums. He's one of those guys, man. He's like, he's like from another planet. Um, great call, by the way. Ah, you're 23 and she's 34. My gut says, yeah, don't do it. Don't do it.

23, dude, you're in the prime of your fucking life. I would get a woman who's my fucking, somebody 34 that probably gonna get married pretty soon. You're 23. You don't need that shit, right? Get yourself a fucking filly. 23 years old, dude, you're drafting in the first round and you're going to trade down to the sixth round.

Fuck that. And I know there's a lot of women that are going to listen to me and say that. That's bullshit. But fuck you because women do that to other women. You guys give each other advice like that on your shows. So what am I going to do because of women's issues? I'm going to give a 23 year old guy bad advice. Dude, fuck that.

She's 11 fucking years older than you. She's going to be in a completely different place. Women are way more mature than guys are. You're going to be like a fucking kid. All right. And she's going to be so fucking advanced. As far as, you know, having been in relationships, dude, you're going to give up so much goddamn territory.

My gut says, don't fucking do it. Don't fucking do that, dude. Don't do that. All right. When you're 43 and you're still P90X and she's going to be 54 going through menopause. All right. I'm just saying, this is harsh, but you know what? I wouldn't be a fucking, I wouldn't be honest if I wouldn't be, if I wasn't saying this.

All right. Now, but I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying. All right. My gut says, when I look at those numbers, you know, we don't have a deal here. This isn't a good fucking trade. But I haven't said that. Good luck to you.

All right. Shit jokes. All right. What's up there? Sizzle nuts. So I have been listening to your podcast for around four years now and you often make a negative reference to shit jokes. As a kid, I always laughed at shit and fart jokes.

And now in my 30s, I still think they are funny. Why are they frowned upon? And do you have any good ones? Is it just you or does the entire industry not take the jokes as being credible? Also, you suck at the internet. Last week, you gave your MM podcast email address when telling people where to send their questions and you said, it's bill at the capital M capital M podcast.com. Email addresses and web website addresses are not case sensitive chief.

Thanks and go fuck yourself. Oh, okay. You know, it's fucking hilarious how young people think that computers are cool. I just don't understand what is so awesome about these fucking things. You know what it is? What you give up in your free time and in money and that there's a fucking camera and God knows who's on the other end of it and you have to like put a piece of tape over it. You know what I mean?

Who knows if your fucking laptops open and you're there fucking your woman and there's some guy watching. You know, jerking off somewhere, another part of the country. It's just fucking bizarre. That's one of the funniest thing. Email addresses and website address are not case sensitive chief. Did you flip your little fucking hair after you type that you cunt? All right, shit jokes and fart jokes.

They're considered soft, morrick, bodily fluid jokes and that type of thing. I don't completely write them off. It's just me just being self-doubtful. Just joking around. Oh, would you look at that? Would you look at that? I got a text message. I really needed to know that while I'm doing a podcast.

You fucking apple cunts. Put the mute button on at least. Anyways, so that's what they looked at. I have to be honest with you, man. I love a shit joke. I love a fart joke if it's a good one. If somebody's just up there, so I'm fucking wiping my ass and you know, not saying anything. I think what happened was with the oversaturation of comics during the 80s comedy boom,

there was material that just everybody was doing. There was just easy laughs because I think maybe that's what it is. If you do a shit joke, it's going to get a laugh. There's no way. It's practically impossible to do a shit joke and not get a laugh, to do a fart joke and not get a laugh. So it's considered like low hanging fruit. Having said that, I don't think there's anything wrong with low hanging fruit.

Like, you know, I'm a big fan of fucking movies, and I love a movie that's trying to do something different. But if there's one that's just, you know, one of those tough guy movies and just write down the pike, nothing fucking new, but it's done well. And their attitude is not that we're doing something different here. They're just like, we're just going to make one of these movies. I don't have a fucking problem with it.

So, you know, if a comic's on stage doing a shit joke, if it's funny, I don't give a fuck. And if it's easy, I don't give a shit. If it's fucking funny, it's funny. So, but the reason why I use it as a reference, like shit and dick jokes is it's just sort of just a self deprecating thing. That's all. That's all I'm trying to do.

All right, gangs. Bill, if you were in a gang, what would your surrounding theme be? I.e. motorcycles gangs involve riding. Would you be in a comedy gang? A New England sports fan gang? Definitely more like the latter. It would definitely be more like fantasy football nerd gang. I'm, I'm, I'm all right.

If you, on one end of the spectrum is absolute total rebels, motorcycle gangs. And then the other side is fantasy football. I am somewhere between those way more towards the fantasy football thing. I am, I ain't no tough guy, right? I'm not trying to go to jail. I don't need any of that shit. And you know what?

I don't want to do anything. You know, I don't be involved in violence. I just don't want to explore that part of me. And I don't want it done to me. The fuck gang would I be in? I don't know. I don't think I could be in a gang that actually called itself a gang unless it was making fun of itself.

How about enthusiast? You know, God, all of that is too hard. How about I go to a hobby, one of those hobby town places? You know what? This whole question is giving me douche chills. Congratulations to you. Douche chills. I always give credit to the Opie and Anthony show.

The late, great Opie and Anthony show. When I fucking say that, because that's where I learned the term. I never heard anybody else say it. Was it Opie who came up with that? I have no idea. I got to call an Opie and Jimmy. Oh, geez, you see. Stamps.com everybody, your to do list can seem out of control.

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That'll take you there. I get credit for driving traffic there. And whatever, anything you buy there, they kick me a little dough for driving traffic there. And then I send 10% of that to a charity that seems like it's on the level. Right now, I'm doing the St. Jude Hospital. I always say what charity is just to make sure

if they are a scam, people can let me know because I don't know how to figure out whether they are or not. I know people saying, oh, here's a website and this says whether they are or not. And as this guy mentioned, I'm not good at the internet and I'll fucking lose it. So I've been doing that.

And then I also want to donate to, if it's possible, to donate to Andre Agassi's school in Vegas. After reading his book, it just seemed like that's pretty much an airtight thing over there. It just seems like an amazing thing that he's doing and everybody else over there. So anyways, that is the podcast here for this week. I hope you guys enjoyed it.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Everybody that came out all the way through Texas. Thank you everybody who listened to me and Paul Verzi sing our country hit America first. And then everybody who came out in Toronto, man. Unbelievable shows up there. And it made me sad to only be in all of those cities only for one night because I used to play the clubs

before I did the one-nighters and it was always fun. There's all these places, food places, all these places that I like to go. So I definitely got to get back to Toronto during hockey season. You know, the hotel where I stayed at, we went by... Ah, Jesus, what the... Is it the Molson Center?

I can't fucking remember. Is that where the Habs play? I don't want to piss off Maple Leaf fans. But I went by and I was immediately remembered the story of me and Verzi when we went to a game there. Had the best time. It was so cool to bring Verzi there because he's not a hockey guy.

And anytime you bring somebody to see hockey live, they freak the fuck out. And to actually see it in Canada, an original six team with that ridiculous fucking fan base. All right, there's no way Canadian fans would be showing up like Hab fans. You know, in the drought that the Toronto has affected, that's the hardest fucking ticket to get.

Fucking practically impossible to get a Maple Leaf ticket, right? Even when I compliment the fucking Maple Leafs, I still have to trash the Canadians. I just have to do it. It's fucking habitual with me. So anyway, so we'd gone to the game and we came out. It was just, it was absolutely fucking like,

you know, minus 10 degrees and there was wind. And we were trying to get a cab and everybody was, any cab that became available, people were jumping in. And I remember standing out there with Verzi. And it was so fucking cold. I remember we just, we're just laughing. At first we were cursing our brains out. And then at one point we just, the wind blew again.

And it was just so cold. We just, it was like, I think we're just gonna fucking die out here. But I just, I have so many great fucking memories of that Canadian tour that we did. So as much fun as it was to do those two shows, it sucked to only be there for one night. So I definitely got to get back.

And I did get to spend quite a lot of time in Austin. I had one day off that I spent in Austin. And then the next day we also, we went to the UT game. We had a great fucking time. And what do we do? Dallas and Houston. Houston, I mean, I went to Houston so quick, I didn't even get to go to South Park Guitars.

That's how fast we went through town. But hopefully the next time through, I'll spread it out a little bit more. And once again, thank you to everybody. Came out to my shows and I'll see all you guys in the Midwest later on this month. And once again, I'll put the links up for the, for the benefit shows I'm doing this weekend in Washington, DC.

All right, that's the podcast for this week. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Go fuck yourself. If not, I'll talk to you next Monday. Yeah, top.