Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-29-14

Episode Date: September 29, 2014

Bill rambles about abandoning your life, NFL predictions and Derek Jeter's last game at Fenway.

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Right past that fucking soul-eating goddamn place you work at. You just kept fucking going. Are you commuting right now? I want somebody to do it. Throw your cell phone out the fucking window. Just keep driving. I want to know how far you get and how long you can last before you come back with your bottom lip quivering because you realise that you don't know how to start a fire without a match. You ever think about that? You ever think about how stuck in the matrix you are as you drive to work on a fucking Monday morning? Why do I assume that all of you hate your jobs? Maybe you love your job. Maybe. Lady. Maybe. Maybe you love it. Maybe you're like a job. I'm going to tell you some jobs that I think that I would actually love. I would love being a veterinarian. Oh, I don't know about that. Seeing animals in pain but you can get them out of pain. Then you got to deal with the weird owners. I wouldn't mind some pet owners. I would be like the owners that like, I don't know, they never found love so now they love their cat.

It could just be a really sad place, right? I think the first thing I would do if I was a vet would be, I would try to become some sort of specialist. I got to enter through the back of the veterinarian place and I never had to talk to the owners. I don't want to meet them. Kind of how I handle people who advertise on this podcast. I never talk to any of them and any time they fucking complain, I just give them their money back and then that's it. But I never get on the phone with them. My advertising person will send me an email and just be like, they want to talk to you about your last read. Do you have any availabilities this week? And I just say, no, I don't. What about next week? I don't foresee myself being available ever. If they didn't like the read, I understand it. I mean, forget about what I said derogatory about their product. How about the fact I can't even read their goddamn copy? You know, that alone. I just give a full refund. There you go. One free awful read for you, sir. Enjoy your goddamn whatever the fuck it is, your soliloquies, whatever the hell you're trying to sell. Get your soliloquies here.

Well, if it makes you feel better, I feel like doing that sometimes too. I feel like just fucking I don't know what I feel like doing. Lately, I've just felt like, I don't know, going to Wyoming, you know, and talk to them real people that put them pants on one leg at a fucking time. You know, go out there talk to some homophobic racists. You know, that that think their neighbor got probed by a fucking alien. How about that for a nice change of pace? Get out there on the open road. Fucking run over something in a rental car. You don't even know what it is. You're so far out in the bush, you don't even know what that fucking animal was. It wasn't on four fucking legs. You would have thought you hit somebody in a bushy coat.

I don't even know what I'm talking about. And you know what? I don't give a fuck because I just have to get through this thing this week. I just got to somehow babble for another goddamn hour so I can get on with my, I can get on with my day. What can I talk about here? Oh, last week I mentioned that I was going back to Boston, right? Going back to Boston for the springtime. I was going to go back and go to Derek Cheeter's last game at Fenway and what ended up happening was I ended up getting busy out here and I, you know, this business, show business, it knows when you're going to go do something fun. Oh, wait a minute. He's going to go do something for himself. All right, so I didn't go back Friday, you know, I just, I'm just too fucking busy. So I ended up giving the tickets to a buddy of mine and the day I sent him out, all of a sudden Cheeter said he wasn't playing.

And I got to admit, for the first time in his entire career, I was upset with the guy. I was like, no, why the fuck would he do that? Everybody went out and spent all that extra money. You know, they want to pay their respects, blah, blah, blah, blah. You wait till everybody buys their tickets, then out of nowhere. Oh, you know, I don't think I'm going to play one fucking last game yesterday, blah, blah, blah. You know, I was acting like a fan, a selfish cunt. Fuck what you want to do, Derek Cheeter. Do what I want you to do and your career in a way that's convenient to me. I actually was doing that. Then I kind of watched the highlight of the Yankee game when he hit the walk off, right?

And I was just like, yeah, that's the way it should end. Why was I getting mad at him? That's exactly the way it should have ended. Kind of like Jordan, you hit that last second shot, granted it was for a championship. That's how it should have ended. He shouldn't have come back and played for the fucking wizards. And people were saying how Ted Williams hit that walk off home run for the Red Sox and then he sat out the last three games of the road trip. So I guess he had a right to do that. But you know what, he ended up coming up anyways. I didn't even pay attention to it. I watched a little clip of it on the internet. His last hit, he got an RBI chopper over the third baseman. It was playing in. So I guess there was a runner in scoring position. The runner scored. He got an RBI against the Red Sox. I guess they gave him a nice ovation and all that type of shit.

Once I read that he was tired, all the media and all of that type of crap, it's just like, you know what, fuck that. This guy's been in the public eye for 20 goddamn years. He doesn't know anybody, anything. If he wants to blow off the last couple of games, fuck it. You know, so whatever. I'm actually oddly sad and melancholy that that guy's career is over. Actually looked at Wikipedia to see if it already said Derek Jeter was a professional football player. Fortunately it didn't. Still said is a professional baseball player because I guess he hasn't put in his retirement papers yet. Do you file those afterwards? I have no idea. But I don't know. But as cunty as I was for those like 24 hours when he said he might not play.

Nobody could top the neediness of Keith Oberman this week. The way he fucking finessed those stats. I've never seen a guy so desperate for fucking love and acceptance in my life. All I heard after like the first fucking minute of that. Keith Oberman shit was this was a guy. He wants everybody to say about him what they're saying about Derek Jeter. And it's just like, dude, you're not that guy. All right. You had fucking ice cold parents. They didn't hug you.

So now you don't even know how to accept the love that you want. So you push it away. That's why you're getting fired every fucking six weeks. That's why you go on TV and you say stupid things like, Mr. President, shut your mouth. Oh my God. That guy redefines horses ass. I can't believe anybody even watches that. He comes off like a fucking cartoon character. Part of his criticism of Derek Jeter was he said he won four championships in his first five years. Right. This is part of his criticism that he won four championships his first five years. He goes, how many did he win the last 14 years? He only won one.

Oh, what a piece of shit. He only won five. And you know what? Actually, that was great criticism by Keith Oberman because a lot of people don't realize that. Not only did Derek Jeter play shortstop for the New York Yankees, he also was their GM. And he made all those decisions to sign the Kevin Browns, to sign that $200 million fucking Albatross that's been hanging around their neck. Alex Rodriguez, A-Rod, right? Now, those were all Derek's fucking decisions. Give me a fucking break. That was one of the, I don't know, it was pathetic. It was actually, he came off like a manager of a wrestler and he was trying to sell a fight. So he was just arguing the other side. He was pulling like a skip, Bayless.

Bayless. I almost forgot his name halfway through it. You ever do that? And you start to forget the name, but you know, it begins with a B and you just go with it. Rewind what I just said. Listen to how I said Bayless. I could never do that again. Bayless. Yeah, that guy, I don't know. I just completely lost my fucking train of thought now. Oh yeah, he completely forgot to bring up that the guy had 3400 hits, forgot to bring all of that up. It was just, oh, and then he did that really fucking taken out of context cheesy fucking thing where he goes, you know, Derek Jeter is not the greatest Yankee of all time. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they fucking show Jorge Posada saying that he's the best. You know, it's his teammate. What do you think he's going to say?

You know, if they actually asked Jorge, but do you think that he's fucking, you know, do you honestly think that he's better than Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig and all that? He would obviously say, look, you know, at least I would think he would. He would just say he belongs in the same sentences as those guys. And I wouldn't argue that. You know, I used to think that Derek Jeter was overrated. You know, before I moved to New York and then once I went to New York and I started watching him rooting against the Yankees every night and I saw all that other shit that he did. Three game losing streak. They finally get a rally. Somebody gets a hit and the guy scores. Who's the first guy at the top of the step and the dugout, the fucking captain. All that shit that a guy like Keith Oberman, who's not a fucking team player. Mr. President shot your mouth.

Who the fuck would ever have the fucking balls to go on television and reprimand the president? You know, sitting there talking like you're in the Pentagon. I swear to God, some people, you know, you give them a little gel in their hair, you give them a suit and put a camera on them. All of a sudden they think they know shit. So anyways, he was either, it can't speak, he was either doing that or he was just fucking, he was just being a contrarian just to get some ratings because I never watched that guy's show. I just don't. Yeah, what was the most amazing thing about Keith Oberman is how big he is. I remember when he went on Letterman. Letterman even said it like you are a large man. Like he just is fucking gigantic. Like he could have played.

He's like a fucking refrigerator with a head on it. But I haven't said all that, you know, I got to tell you if I'm Keith Oberman, I got to be wondering why he said all that shit about Derek Jeter. Hey, you know, it was great this week. No Ray Rice shit. I didn't watch any pregame, but I didn't hear anything about it, which is great that that died down just in time for a month of that pink horseshit coming up. I already started to see it some fucking bottle pink lemonade. Just in case you forgot in the last 11 months, there's something out there called breast cancer. And it's a bad thing we need to find a cure just in case you forgot that it exists. We're going to paint everything pink this month.

All right, we're going to tell those children in the sweatshops in El Salvador that when they make the pink shit for the NFL, make it extra pink this year just in case anybody forgets. Oh, Jesus, I thought I was going to be in a good mood this week. I'm like extra country here. Do you guys watch any of the NFL football? I did my usual. I told you my new thing. I watched the early game and I tape another one. I watched the four o'clock game and I tape another four o'clock game and then I take the Sunday night game.

And then I watched the one one o'clock one four o'clock. Then I watched the Monday night game and then Tuesday I watched the one o'clock game Wednesday. I watched the four o'clock game Thursday. I watched Thursday night football Friday. I watched Sunday night football and then say I watched the college football. It's fucking brilliant. I can't believe how many years I had a fucking DV before I figured out to do that. It's perfect.

So this is what I watched this week. I watched the Jets versus the Lions and I taped the Packers versus the Bears. And then I know what you're thinking. Bill, why the fuck? Why didn't you just tape the fucking Jets game and actually watch the Bears Packers? One of the oldest rivalries in the National Football League. Why didn't you do that? It's because, you know, Patriots are in the AFC East and I just wanted to see how we would match up against the Jets.

I've watched them two weeks in a row. I think we're going to have trouble with them because, I don't know, we had trouble with the Raiders. We lost to the Dolphins. We had trouble with the Raiders. The Dolphins pounded the fucking Raiders. Now, I know this is just all horseshit. It's not the first month of the season, but it definitely, I don't know. I'm not feeling too confident about the fucking team.

And I don't know, Rex Ryan is one in three now. One in three. And I don't know, I was talking to Verzi. Verzi's picking the Eagles and the Colts to be in the Super Bowl this year. And I have no idea. Everybody just kind of, Seattle blew me away the first week, so did the 49ers. And now both of them are looking kind of, I'm not saying they're bad, but they don't look unbeatable. And I don't know, 49ers look fucking terrible today.

As did the, I don't know, Jesus Christ, I watched so many fucking games. Who the hell were they playing? They beat the Eagles. The Eagles look terrible today. Fucking terrible. It's like nobody wanted to win the game. I'm like, these are two of the elite teams in the fucking league. I mean, how many times the 49ers taking all those penalties, Kaepernick?

They got a giant clock. You see the play clock. The fucking guy lets it run down like two, three times during the game. I don't know. I don't fucking, you know something? The Eagles are the Eagles. I don't believe in that coach and I don't believe in that quarterback. I just don't.

He just doesn't seem like a, you know, if he goes down, who do you got? You got Mark Sanchez. All right. Who used to be a jet. So he's got that curse on him and then he went to the fucking Eagles. Who did fucking Mark Sanchez piss off that he goes to the two fucking most cursed goddamn teams in the NFL, both in green? Well, that's a good thing.

He went from the jets to the fucking Eagles. I guess the only good thing about that trade is he didn't have to buy some new boxes. I know. I know. I'm talking a lot of shit this week. And as you can tell, I don't know any of the player's names. Anytime I watch the jets, all I watch. Debrekasha fucking Ferguson.

That's all the only guy I watch. I just watch a man handle somebody on the outside of the line there. And other than that, I'm just, I don't know. I always get a little bored with football by the end of September because I just absolutely fucking OD on it. And, but then what the cure is, is now they're going to dress them up like a bunch of new, you know, newborn baby girls for the next month. And, you know, which of course is going to just fucking annoy the shit out of me.

I, you know, this infiltration of the NFL with all of this shit, I'm telling you, they're going to just, they're gradually women are gradually going to take over the NFL. This is my prediction where Paul Versey predicts Super Bowl winners. I like to predict random shit. My prediction to Paul is that Rex Ryan is going to have an altercation with a fan this year. I don't think physical. I think he's going to, he's going to have a fuck you, fuck you fight that is going to be caught on camera either as he walks out of a stadium, his or somebody else's, or it's

going to be outside like a Hooters or a Waffle House. It all depends. One in three, you know, the heat's getting turned up and he is, that guy's wired. He's got a short fuse. Okay. And I can relate to that. So I know he's, people are going to start saying shit to him and he is going to fucking snap because that's the way he's wired.

And I don't wish it on the guy, but whatever he says is going to be fucking great and probably put on a t-shirt. I don't know if that's going to happen, but I'm predicting that that's one of my, that's my first prediction for this year. If you just want who's going to fucking, you know, lead the league in rushing, you go listen to the Verzi effect. All right. If you want to hear the fucking, I don't know, flying saucer, Illuminati shit.

You listen to this one. All right. And if something comes in, I'll say I got lucky. That's the difference right now between me, a goddamn gentleman and that fucking animal from New Jersey, Paul Verzi. Now listen to the Verzi effect. He actually, he's pretty good at picking a Super Bowl guy, Super Bowl guy, Super Bowl team.

All right. So here we go. That's my first prediction. Rex Ryan is going to have an altercation with the fan that is going to get him fined, or at the very least put on TMZ. All right. Number two, my next prediction is over the next 10 years, women will infiltrate, infiltrate the NFL to the point that they're going to fucking ruin it.

They're going to ruin it. I don't understand why they have to be a part of it. Is this sexist? I don't understand. I don't get it. It's a men's football league. Can we just have one thing? They're gradually creeping in.

They got the whole month of October with the fucking, with the pink stuff. They got that. And now, now they got the ladies. They got them down on the sidelines. They got to go down to them every fucking 10 minutes. Check in on them. What do you think there, Ethel? Well, they're saying it's a high ankle sprain and he's wincing it pain and he cannot put

any weight on it. That's all I got down here in the sidelines. Thank you very much, Felicia. She does a wonderful job. And then eventually they're going to be like, well, why can't we be in the booth? Then they'll be in the booth. Why can't there be an all female commentating team? Then there'll be two of them.

And then the escape is gone. The escape is gone. You know what a healthy relationship is? Is you got to have time away from each other. See, you miss each other. You got to fuck off the ladies. They got, women have to be able to take off, go have a fucking glass of wine with all their girlfriends, and then just talk about how lousy in bed you are.

They need that. So then they can come back and just fucking deal with you for the next six days. They have to have that. And that, you know, guys are no different. Why don't women start their own football league? Why are they, why are they, I'm going to get so much shit for this. Why don't, why do they keep fucking bellying up to our bar? You know, fucking beat it.

Look, you know, I'm fucking half joking here. I'm only half joking. Do you know how bad I would love to somehow get in a room full of feminists without them knowing that I was a stand up comedy and go on, go on a panel. All right. With like those black frame glasses and just start saying over the top ridiculous shit like I just said, right. And just, just see how mad I could make them.

Oh God, those are the things I fantasize about. Like if I had the ability, like one of those fucking who those fucking nerds that nobody understands and they can make fire and ice. You know, they make that they made like 20 movies. Halle Berry's in it. She has all white hair. The fucking the mutants there. Nobody understands us.

It's a, it's a fucking metaphor for nerds and racism. Jesus Christ, just get on with the karate. What the fuck are they called? Not the impossibles. Oh my God. I have no short term memory. I keep thinking the fantastic four like for some reason I keep picture them all in blue. What are they called?

The expendables, the impossibles, the mutants. I don't come to me. Whatever. You know what I'm talking about. And then the guy from Star Trek is one of the guys and he's in a wheelchair. Oh my God, what the fuck are they called? Begins with an eye, doesn't it? Invincible.

Whatever. I don't fucking know. I don't even remember what my goddamn point was. This is, this is, this is why I'm a comedian. Like this, this right. Can you imagine if I actually had a responsible job? What the fuck was I talking about? I was talking about women pissing them off.

Oh, then I said black frame glasses and then that made me thinking of that fucking Rex Reed guy who's actually a critic on the gong show. He's not the fantastic four guy. But his last name, his name was Reed, wasn't it? I don't fucking know. Speaking of Reed's, I went to Griffith Park the other day. Every once in a while I'll drive all the way over there. And there was this Asian couple and one had a clarinet and another one had a saxophone. And the woman with the clarinet was killing it.

And she was standing about 20 feet away from her husband who was blowing fucking clams. All right. Fucking clams. And it was fucking hilarious to me because I don't know if he was just out of practice or whatever, but it just cracked me up that she was walking away from him because she was playing so nicely. I can only imagine how like the fact that she's actually a musician, how bad his playing must have sound to her pitch perfect fucking ears. But she loved the guy. I'm just assuming all this, but she loves the guy so she fucking tolerates it. But she she just steps away a little bit.

You know, fuck you. I know none of that made sense. But you know what you play a clarinet with a read. Okay. I don't know saxophone do you and you got a mouthpiece. All I know is after you play a while you got to blow out the spit. All right, let me let me do a little advertising here. Why don't you have a woman read the advertising while you put on a pink shirt.

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All right. Let's get back to what the hell I wanted to talk about. How far into this are we 30 minutes 30 minutes. So what did I do this week. Nothing I just did more writing more writing more writing more writing and this weekend I have. What do I got I have a David Symphony Hall October 4th we added a second show. How great is that I am excited and we're going to I don't know I'm going to do stand up all this week. I'm going to tighten up everything that I want to tighten up and this is my first road gig in a while and putting a little bit of pressure on myself.

San Francisco is a unbelievable comedy town for whatever reason. Who knows why they are a great comedy town you never know why why one town is going to be better than the other but they're one of the best out there so I can't go up there and suck because those Bergen stocked hippies no comedy up there. I always like going to San Francisco because it's that weird sort of cross section of people right. You got the hey man from fucking San Francisco and then you got the absolute animals coming in from fucking Oakland. You know and then you put them all together you add alcohol and it's it's a fun show. Everybody gets a chance. I don't know what I'm talking about this point so anyways yeah I didn't go back to Boston and I stayed out here and

worked on this fucking thing I'm trying to get on on the ground off the ground I should say played a little bit of drums. So I can tell you still fucking with that double pedal still struggling along I'm going to stick with it. You know what fuck this let's just get to the questions for this weekend. Maybe this will this will this will spur something on here gambling problem. Dear Billy Betts. I get it so Billy Betts I like it. I like it. Here's a gambling problem.

I get it. I have a gambling problem. Not the kind you think I've always enjoyed a bet here and there but never made a life of it. Over the years I've developed this anxious twitch. I think about what I would bet on and worry about my hypothetical bet the entire game. It's nuts. So did I just place a small bet every now and then to scratch this itch. The thing is I don't like gambling.

It's the thought that scares me. What. Reverse might be like back in the day when your old man made you smoke a pack to break the habit thoughts. Oh I see. Um, no I wouldn't gamble. Dude if you're already twitching like Fred Flintstone bat bat bat bat bat. Anybody almost 50 and remembers that episode bat bat bat bat. Fred Flintstone started gambling and he had a fucking problem with gambling and they didn't have gamblers anonymous yet because they made those episodes in like the fucking early 60s I think.

And, um, when Fred started getting spinning out of control, you know, if anybody just said like, hey you want to put a bet on that he would just his eyes would start spinning and you go bat bat bat bat bat bat like freaking the fuck out. It was weird. Like he had this unbelievable gambling problem for one episode and then it all went away. It all fucking went away. Um, and that's, you know, something I have given you guys more goddamn history about the Fred Flintstone show. You know, when you really think about it, if you continue to listen to this, this if you go back, I should say, or if you've been listening to it continuously, I think that that's what I was trying to say. I told you how it was based on I think they they ripped off the honeymooners. And then they had that one episode where they were making fun of the Beatles and Elvis where they were like bug music.

I can't stand bug music. And what ever happened to that Georgia boy. I think that was making fun of Elvis because he had kind of fallen off and he was from he was from Mississippi. Anyways, what am I, let's get back to this guy here. Dude, if you are obviously if you already have a nervous twitch about gambling, what like, that's like, Hey, you know, I fucking sit around and fantasize about killing somebody. Should I go out and just kill one person just so I kind of get it out of my system? No, I think you should. I don't know.

I don't know what to tell you. That sounds like you need some new age shit, you know, you go get hypnotized or something. But I would not start gambling doing gambling is just it's fucking brutal. Gambling, you know what it is about gambling? It really it takes your soul in a different way than say like drugs and alcohol do where they like physically, you know, change your appearance and all that type of stuff. You know, you get the gym blossom nose or if you're doing harder drugs and stuff, you get emaciated or if you're doing fine, you know, what is that shit that they do out there in the crystal meth? You know, you start looking like like the petrified version of yourself. Gambling is just a, I don't know, I had a couple of friends that really had an issue with that and that was just a darkness that was just over them at all times.

And you went into their place where they lived and you just felt it. You just felt the fucking. Yeah, yeah, so dude, you consider yourself lucky that you never do and if the worst you ever do is not gamble and just sit there twitching. You got off easy, believe me. Yeah, let's leave it at that. All right, Rex Ryan, I'm actually looking it up right now Rex Ryan. I'm going to see if they're already calling for his job. The New York media, you know, Rex Ryan. New York post. Let's see what we get. Let's see what we get.

I'll get nothing yet. I probably looked up the wrong thing. I'm the fucking worst when it comes to this shit. New York's post sports. Here we go. Hey, do you guys think Derek Jeter will go into broadcasting? I don't think he's going to. I think he's going to fucking fade away in a cool way. Like, oh shit, struggling Geno screams fuck you with a fan. After Jets fall to the Lions, fuck, I had the wrong guy. Dude, I almost called it. Jeter puts fitting Kappa on brilliant career.

Ready or not, here comes a rod. Oh, my favorite Yankee of all time. Oh my God. Greatest thing that ever happened was Alex Rodriguez going to the fucking Yankees. Let's see if they got anything Jets. Gang pilot must be bleeping act together. Report card Jets having D problems. Well, Red Sox learned from Mariano Fiasco give Jeter a proper tribute. Oh, did we not give him the right send off? What the fuck? It's fucking give me a break.

We're supposed to give all of them a send off. Are you guys going to give big poppy your fucking big time send off? Jesus Christ. Fucking wine in New York media. Bunch of goddamn broads. All right, let's get back. Yeah, you know, you learn something with that bad fucking Tupperware party that you threw Mariano Rivera. Well, you know what? Thanks to Mariano Rivera, we fucking blow in that goddamn game. We had the greatest comeback in fucking baseball history down three games to none. All right, we gave him his tribute the next year when we were getting our rings and we gave him that big ovation. Oh, God, you know, something that's one thing I don't miss about living in New York is that petty shit. They always think that like Boston has issues with New York, you know, which we definitely do, but they got issues with us.

So fucking there's kind of even there. Like when we finally won a World Series, those pussies actually made a t-shirt that said 26 to six, like we have 26 championships to your six. That's how fucking childish they were. They had to fucking 86 years of rubbing our faces in it. They were going to have one rough winner. Right? Couldn't take it had immediately. Oh, we got 26 of them. Oh, was that a disgraceful moment in your fucking history? All right, Syria. Dear General Bill, need your thoughts. Is ISIS horseshit?

I mean, we know we gave them weapons, but they're still but they're still had to had and need. Jesus Christ, guys, I can't read and then you fucking leave out words in the sentence. I mean, we know we gave them weapons, but they are still had and need to be stopped. People, please try to proofread this shit, but we're not good at stopping anything in that region. You're president and in command. What is the move? Yeah, the mood is we pull out very slowly. This is what we do. This is what we do. The only reason why any of those cunts have any fucking money is because nations like us are still driving gas combustion engines.

So this is what I would do. I would try to jumpstart more car companies over here like the Tesla company. Try to get GM and all those other fucks to do the same thing. And then we just don't need them anymore and wean ourselves off of oil and then they would just slowly go bankrupt. The entire Middle East, their entire fucking economy as far as my complete lack of research goes is based on the fact that they're sitting on top of oil. So if we just stuff, if we don't need it anymore, what are they going to do? And then they are free to solve their problems themselves, which they should be doing. And as far as you saying, we're not good at stopping anything in that region, there's a reason for that. There's a reason why Russia goes into Afghanistan and loses.

There's a reason why people go into that. We went to Vietnam and lost. The only way an occupation works, and this is brutally honest, is if you go in there and A, you're not leaving. And B, you commit genocide. That's the only way it fucking works. That's the only way it has ever fucking worked and it is 100% the wrong thing to fucking do. You can't do that. So that's it. So it's just inevitable. They know eventually you're going home. So all they do is go, all right, you beat us, you beat us, and then you walk around standing over there and they just sit there picking you off, making your life fucking miserable. And then eventually you're like, what the fuck are we doing here? Let's get out of here and then you leave. And then they go back to doing whatever it is that they were doing anyways.

But I don't think that we're going to solve anything over there. And I based that on Czechoslovakia and Yugoslavia. I didn't have any idea about any of that shit. Serbs and fucking Croatians and all of that. And I still don't quite understand it. That shit was not going on when I was born. There was already Czechoslovakia and there was Yugoslavia and all that type of shit going on over there. And they all had a common enemy with the occupation of the Russians in their country. So they were against them. And when Russia fell, whatever the fuck that was, like 20 years ago, all of a sudden they got their freedom and they immediately picked up this fight that had stopped like, I don't know, 60, 70, 80, 100 fucking years earlier. And they started killing each other again. You know, so I mean, you're not going to, it's over.

You'd have a better chance at getting Ohio State and the University of Michigan to like each other than you will having all those groups over there will get along. They're not going to get along. And that's just the way it is. So that's what I would do. I would just fucking, I would do a bunch of shit that would get me whacked way before I would ever achieve it. That's what I would do. You know, it's basically it. Wasn't that funny? Jesus Christ, this is becoming too serious here. All right, let's maybe, maybe this is a, maybe this is a nicer one. Commission, dear Bill, you're the commissioner of the NFL. Ah, fuck, here we go again. What are the top three things you're doing to improve the league? This, this can include anything from scheduling to punishments to campaigning to relocate a team. What would you do? Ah, Jesus Christ, I don't want this fucking job.

What are the top three things I would do to improve the league? I'd get Tony Saragusa a fucking chair. You know, didn't he give enough guys got to fucking stand up the whole goddamn game with his back to those animals in the end zone. That's what I would do. I would give him a nice fucking end zone seat and a water cannon to fucking spray it all the animals behind him. That's the first thing I would do. Next thing I would do is I would move the kickoffs back to where they used to kickoff or I would just eliminate that useless exercise to begin with. And number three, I would call somebody in the MLB and I'd get rid of the DH rule. That's what I would do. Those are the three things that I would do to make football better.

This is what I would do. I would, I would, I guess I would, I would change most of the new rules and passing. I would change it back. I would, I like to know helmet to helmet. I really like that rule. I saw a guy diving for a ball and it was past his outstretched fingers and he couldn't catch it. And this guy back in the day, it would have been helmet to helmet, would have come in perpendicular, would have knocked this guy out and probably hurt himself in the process to a little bit down the road 30 years later when he was done, right? And the guy led with his shoulder, hit the guy in his chest, definitely fucking brutal hit, but they both got up and were fine and they didn't fucking rattle their brains too bad. You know, I'm sure the brain still moves around, but I do like that rule, but I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I would do. I don't fucking know. I'd get Tony Saragusa fucking chair and then I would step down and just say my work is done. Would that be okay? I would, you know what I would do? I would eliminate the expression, get it right.

I would eliminate that because it makes everybody sound stupid. You know, we got to get it right. We didn't get it right. Next time we're going to get it right. Get it right. Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, that's like fucking like cavemen could come up with a better. Right. Just fucking not saying anything that drives me. I fucking hate that expression. Get it right. All right, let's move on to the next one. Jesus Christ. This is just scatterbrained this week. All right, can't get laid. Bill, I'm a huge fan. I listened to all your podcasts and stand up now that I'm done sucking your dick.

I love how you guys just can't give me a fucking compliment and then you feel all uncomfortable because you actually enjoy the fucking podcast. Just be a man and give me a goddamn compliment. You know, you're uncomfortable. I'm not uncomfortable. I enjoy the praise. It says I need some advice. I'm starting my sophomore year of college and I've never been more depressed. My high school girlfriend broke up with me shortly after graduation and I haven't gotten laid since. It's not like I stay in my room all day. I have friends and I go to parties at least once a week. And even though I never enjoy myself, I just can't get a girl to be interested in me. I also have no idea what I want to do after college and so I have no motivation to apply myself. The only reason I haven't dropped out is because my parents who are paying thousands and thousands of dollars, I don't drop out so they won't be disappointed.

I work out every day and I try to stay busy, but most of the time I just feel terrible. I'm hoping you have some advice for me. If not, go fuck yourself and if you do, thanks and go fuck yourself. All right. You obviously have a sense of humor. What would my advice be? You know what? I think you're trying too hard. All right. There's no reason to go to a party and not have a good time. Just go there and enjoy yourself. Don't worry about talking to women. Don't worry about trying to get laid. Just have a good time. Just enjoy yourself. Just go out in life and just fucking enjoy yourself. Okay. People are attractive to positive energy and somebody having a good time.

It makes them want to be around you and next thing you know, somebody's blowing you. I don't understand why the universe works that way, but it does. I know I am overly simplifying this, but you know, it's good that you know that you're depressed. I was depressed for about 20 years and didn't realize it because I was so used to feeling that way. I thought it was just the normal, you know, just a normal state of things. I got to tell you this dude, you are going to get a girlfriend and you're going to find love and you're going to get married. Okay. But I got to tell you, there's a fucking misery that comes to that life. All right. There's a great thing, but there's also a misery and she feels it fucking too.

And that's a part of you. You're the individual you dies. So right now, dude, you are the 40 year old you is going to look back at the fuck. If the 40 year old you could get in a time machine and sit down with you right now and give you a fucking pregame speech before you went to that party. I mean, that would be like scared straight. He'd be right in your face. You know, you have any idea what it's like to get up at five in the morning and change a shitted diaper. You get to sleep 10 hours a fucking day. You can't put a smile on your face when you go to a fucking party single. You could fuck anything that walks. You go down to that 7-Eleven. Look at me. You go down to that 7-Eleven. You get yourself a box of fucking condoms.

You stick them when you stick one in your pocket. Prepare for success. You iron your goddamn shirt. You get down there. You have a good fucking time. All right. You're only going to be this age once. You say something like that. All right. I'm telling you, you're only going to be this age once. You're in college, dude. It's like you won the NBA draft lottery. Women there are in the prime of their fucking life. Most of them are fucking single. It's going to happen for you.

But if you're walking around and you're depressed and you're carrying that with you, if you're moping around like that, that makes people fucking, you know, not want to be around you. So I would say drinking is probably not a good thing because that is a depressant. So scratch that. I can't even remember if I fucking told you to have a couple of beers. I wouldn't do that. I would just fucking enjoy yourself. I almost, you know what I would do? I would go do some shit for you. Fuck trying to get a girlfriend. Fuck trying to get laid. Fuck all of that. Just go out and what do you want to do? If you don't know what you want to do,

go out and go try a bunch of different things and have a good time. Dude, you're single. Okay. You don't have to fucking, you don't have to fucking deal with trying to figure out what's going to make them happy. Okay. Cause as far as I can fucking tell, there isn't anything that's going to make them happy for a longer than maybe a day. The amount of shit that you can do for them and as you can tell, she's a couple of rooms away. The amount of shit that you can fucking do for them

and all it does is buy you a couple of days of happiness is just fucking baffling. And I got to be honest with you. A lot of women look at it guys and they think that we're fucking stupid. And I think part of it is because they have the way their brain works, that multitasking, whatever is that shit talk that they always say, you know, that women can multitask and guys can't. Well, I would say that generally speaking, this is very general. I think men have an advantage when it comes to just being happy.

You know what I mean? Like you wouldn't know it from my podcast and the way I talk and shit, but I'm happy as hell and I've been happy for a long fucking time. You know, all I need dude, that's all I fucking need. The NFL package. I got a six of fucking Millers in my, in my goddamn refrigerator. You know, I got a new pair of sneakers. It's just some stupid bullshit like that.

I order a fucking pizza. That's all I need. I'm happy the whole fucking day. You know, I go on a hike with my dog in the morning. That's it. I'm good. Simple, simple, stupid shit. It keeps me as a guy entertained. I don't have their high level brain that they're always talking about their ability.

I like to do a thousand fucking things. Yeah, look at you. You're miserable. You fucking miserable. So I'm telling you, dude, you're actually, you don't realize it, but where you are right now, dude, is you are in an absolute utopia. Do you know how many fucking guys right now would kill to be in your position? They'd even take two years and not getting laid.

Who gives a fuck? Rub one out. Get on with your goddamn day. You know, get on with your fucking day of being single, not having the answer to anybody and having the option of hitting on any beautiful woman that catches your eye. Take a trip anytime you fucking want. Go wherever you want to go.

Do whatever the fuck. Dude, you're never going to get, and your parents are paying for your fucking education, dude. You're never going to be freer. All right, so start looking at your life that way. And I'm telling you, you're going to have a different fucking vibe. And I'm, you know, and I'll tell you right now, you start doing that. Good things are going to happen in the national football league.

No, I'm serious, dude. Something good is going to happen. But there will be a time in your fucking life, I'm telling you, where you will be married, you'll have kids and you'll do that whole fucking thing. And that will be its own sort of utopia. But it's, it's, I don't do this is a very beautiful selfish time in your life that you should embrace. And you should not, you should not spend it feeling bad about yourself.

All right. So there you go. Good luck to you. Okay. Relationship problems. All right, Bill, first of all, I would like to say thank you for all the podcasts. Now go fuck yourself. There you go.

That's how it's done. Beautiful. Well, I'm in my early twenties soon to be the youngest regional manager in my company. So I kind of feel that I am moving in the right direction. My biggest problem right now has to be commitment relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for about six months now. So we are seeing how things work. So we're seeing how things work, right?

This guy's must have spoken to his phone. Well, lately these things, things have not been too great. She complains about everything. If I'm not home or out with the boys of the gym or if I don't respond to one simple text, her jealousy is really taking its toll on me. Whenever she sleeps at night, she'll talk for hours on how much she hates work and just fuss about how I don't do this or how come I do that. It's fucking annoying. I have not cheated on this woman nor have I put myself in any type of physical situation with her.

So why the burden? Well, I hate to add more, but here it is. My biggest issue with her, it has to be her son. Yes, her son. He is turning four in a few months, but it's such a pain. I know he is a child, blah, blah, blah, but this child doesn't know how to talk, use the restroom, and thinks screaming for everything and throwing a fit will get what he wants. Is this her fault?

Yes. This is what this guy says. Bill, I am a father as well. My soon to be five-year-old son is annoyed by this kid. You're in your early 20s and you've got a five-year-old son. Jesus Christ. Whenever we go out, her son tries to take all my son's toys and then chooses what he wants to watch and what he wants and when he wants to leave. I suppose my question to you is, should I simply continue to help her out, be with her, slash be with her?

She is the breadwinner for her family supporting her mother who just had a baby and is unemployed. Dude, is this a Jerry Springer transcript? And two younger brothers plus her son. Financially, she's in a hard place so I help her out when I can. I feel guilty if I left her right now since I know she's very attached to this relationship and it may affect her and I wouldn't want everyone else to suffer. Should I say fuck it? It's not worth my unhappiness and my son's discomfort towards her son or should I just say fuck it, ride it out until her mom finds a job or she trains that little animal of a child right? Alright, here's the deal dude.

You fucking said something about three quarters of the way through it. First of all, you know, with all this stress she has in her life supporting all those other people, probably has a lot of the reason why she's fucking coming at you. She's taken out a situation on you in a little way I guess there but you said, where is it? I feel guilty now since I know she's very attached. Should I say fuck it? It's not worth my unhappiness and my son's discomfort. Alright dude, so you're unhappy and your own son is not comfortable. Alright, I think that says something right there.

That's what you need to fix right there. You need to be happy and your son needs to be comfortable or you have to leave. And it's not your fault, you know, she lives with carnival people from your description. Alright, you gotta be selfish in a fucking relationship. When you're single, okay, and you're gonna commit to somebody, before you commit with them you gotta be selfish, you gotta be making sure at the very least being with them makes you happy. That sounds like a fucking nightmare. That situation right there sounds why I waited till I was 45 to get fucking married. So I guess what I would say is if you feel like you could somehow, I mean not leaving, not breaking up with somebody because you feel like it's a bad time, it's never a good fucking time.

All she's doing is getting more and more attached to you and all you're doing is taking more and more days away from her where she could be going out trying to find somebody else. So if that is not a reason to stay. So if you feel like you could try and work it out, you didn't mention once in any of that that you loved her. So, I don't know, that sounds about as miserable a situation as I can think of. So, you know, but at the end of the day, gotta tell you at the end of the day it's gonna be your decision. But that relationship is definitely not firing on all cylinders. And if you're gonna stay with this team, you need to create a new culture in the locker room. All right, prosper lending.

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And watch every episode of shows like South Park, The Cosby Show, or Doctor Who. Hulu Plus works on your computer, smart TV, Roku, Apple TV, Xbox, pretty much any streaming device you already own. You'll be blocking off a day to just binge. With Hulu Plus, you're in total control to stream these and thousands more as much as you want, wherever you want. Also, get exclusive access to stream the criteria on collection movies. And Hulu Plus has all of them. All movies and kid shows are ad-free too. For only $7.99 a month, get your shows anytime, anywhere.

But right now, I am offering my listeners a two-week free trial. If you go to huluplus.com slash bill, that's a whole extra week for absolutely free. Please make sure you use huluplus.com slash bill so you get an extended free trial and so that they know that I sent you there. It helps keep the lights on here and gives you a better deal. One more time for the extended free trial in case you missed it the first two times, it's huluplus.com slash bill. Okay, mercifully, that is the end of the ads for this week. Some people gave me shit for having that bank thing there because I don't like bankers, but the person who does my ads used to work on that shit and said he checked the bank out and said that they are above board.

All right, if you find out that they are not, I will stop reading those. All right, if you got any research. All right, here we go. Summertime is over. Bill, the circle of seasons is cruel and beautiful. I missed the summer already, but I'll enjoy the fall and the apple related feelings. I think I had a fulfilling summer. How are you grading this summer?

A plus because Billy got some sun or F because Bill got some sun. How am I grading this summer? I don't fucking know. I survived it. Kind of a fucking question is that that's not even a question. Answer that question. All right. That's it for this week, everybody.

I want to thank everybody for the all the tickets sales up there in San Francisco. I'm really looking forward. You know, I'll need it, man. I haven't done a stand up road gig in a while and I've been doing that for 22 years and you do the road as long. Well, I really started traveling. Seriously doing the road rather than just driving around doing hell gigs outside of Boston. I've probably been doing that for like 17 years. Right.

Yeah. 17 years. So, you know, it's in my blood, man. I got to do it. So the next, the next three dates I have coming up Davis Davies kept saying Davis Davies, Symphony Hall in San Francisco, two shows this Saturday night, October 4th. Then I'm doing the spotlight spotlight casino in Coachella, California, October 11th. And then my next date is at West Palm Beach improv on November 14th because I'm going to a couple of football games out there going to the Thursday night game.

And then I'm going to go see the Miami University of Miami against Florida State, which is hilarious because I'm going to have to fucking listen to them doing that Tomahawk chop shit. Oh my God. But anyways, so I don't have a lot of road dates because I've been trying to write this show and then also I'm trying to put together the new hour before I hit the road. And so basically, if you're wondering how the next year is shaping up as I'm finally going to do that Australian tour, then I'm going to do some club dates at some of my favorite stand up clubs around the country and get that act ready to go. And then I'm going to do a nice theater tour. And I am hoping to do another European tour. And this time actually add along with the all the countries I did before I'm going to try to do an Eastern European leg this time to like Lithuania, Estonia, Albania, all of that shit. I'm going to try to just see how that goes. Why not right? Why the fuck not so I'm really looking for I'm already looking forward to the new year.

October's coming up. Right. I got to get my pie crust game together. Make my fucking pumpkin bread. You know, all fucking purpose flower. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. I apologize. I know it was a little rocky this week, but if I didn't do it right now, I wouldn't be able to do it in the morning. So anyways, what are we going to do here? I got nothing. I didn't get right next week. I'm going to try to get it right. I have no one to blame with myself and I take full responsibility. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves and remember my predictions. Women are going to ruin the NFL. Take it over within 10 years and Rex Ryan is going to have a is going to have an altercation with the fan that already happened with Gino Smith. All right, there we go. I'll see you. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us.

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