Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-3-18

Episode Date: September 3, 2018

Bill rambles about football, dancing, and solar energy.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. It's time for Monday, September 3, 2018. What's going on? How are ya? Oh, happy Labor Day to you. Happy fucking Labor Day to you. Happy fucking Labor Day, you cubicle-dwelling cunt. Happy fucking Labor Day to you. How many fucking podcasts are out there wishing you a happy Labor Day with an original song? Huh? Am I going to get sued for saying that? In the podcasting world, in the podcasting stratosphere. What are you guys doing today on Labor Day? What the fuck is Labor Day anyways? Does this have something to do with the troops? How hard they're working? Right? And you're not doing shit because you're not wearing a uniform, right? Huh? You fucking civilian piece of shit. Don't you love how that's the vibe now? How about a round of applause for our troops? Hey, how about a round of applause for the rest of us paying the fucking taxes, you cunts?

To this goddamn field trip over there that's never going to fucking end until what? We bankrupt the whole fucking thing and five cunts have all the money? Huh? How about a round of applause for us, you rich cunts? Chewing and screwing and leaving us with the fucking tab. Can I get on the plane first every once in a while, you fucking assholes? All right, Labor Day. Labor Day fucking meaning. Labor Day is a public holiday or day of festivities held in honor of working people in the United States and Canada. Well, this ain't about your wife, is it? Oh, shots fired. On the first Monday in September and in many countries on May 1st, why do we always have to be different over here? You know, the whole fucking world's on the metric system. The whole fucking world is celebrating Labor Day on May 1st. Not America. Now, we're on standard September 1st. The rest of the world, respecting the summer or at least the spring. Here's your fucking day off at the end of the goddamn summer. How many of you got to pack up the water skis?

Hey, buddy, you know, that's about the ninth fucking negative thing you said about the United States of America. I got one for you. You got a fucking day off. Why don't you pack your shit up and get the fuck out. See how you like it in some other fucking land. Fucking mosquitos the size of your fucking freckled bald head. You fucking orange motherfucker. I got a good fucking mind to get out of my truck and go over there and show you what's what. Happy Labor Day, dear America. Oh, you fucking whining, crying fucking snowflakes out there, bitching about global warming. You want to see warming? How about my fucking nuts, motherfucker? I'm a goddamn coal miner. You understand me? I'm a coal miner in 2018.

Why the fuck would I want to go out and learn about solar power when I can continue doing a fucking job that's obsolete? I don't give a fuck if I'm digging in a national park, stepping on a fucking bald eagle fucking head. All right, if that's going to put spam on my fucking table, I'm going to do it. And it's some orange two-play wearing motherfucker with a goddamn red tie down his fucking knee. He's going to do it for me and then goddamn it I'm going to vote for. Dear America. You know, I always wonder what my neighbors think. You know, how many people live in that house and are any of them in a good mood?

Oh, Jesus. So it's Labor Day. Now, let me ask you a question. Since it's a fucking day off, right? Does your wife give you the day off? Huh? Or does she want you to run around and do a bunch of goddamn jobs that need to be done while she stays in the house doing God knows what? Right? I was hoping we could get those boxes there. Is that what you were hoping? Well, God gave you a couple of arms and a back. Start lifting this, sweetheart. These fucking ladies, I swear to God. Can you ever just sit down?

What is a couch for in their world other than to throw too many fucking pillows on it so you can't even fucking sit down? It's like they know the second you fucking goddamn ass hits the couch and your head's on the pillow and you grab the remote to watch your little college football. What happens? Honey. Sorry, I am in a mood. I'm actually a happy married guy. I don't even know why I'm doing this. I'm just trying to make you guys laugh. All right, because I've been in those relationships, all right? My wife's cool as shit though. You know, the other night I was hanging out, right?

Smoking a cigar. Oh, no, I wasn't even supposed to hang out. I ended up just fucking Barton called me up and we ended up hanging out. And she's like, you know, she sent me the usual text. Where are you? And I was like, I'm down the comedy store. I'm smoking a cigar with some buddies of mine. We did a spot. Sorry. And she goes, she goes, no, hang out with your friends. Have a good time. And I texted her back, best wife ever. You can't complain. If your wife does that once a fucking year, you got a gym, you know, and my wife consistently does that. Unless, you know, two, three, you know, the next night when I went out again, I took a little four day vacation is what I did here.

As I stayed on my diet, by the way, I had a couple of little missteps here or there. But generally speaking, I'm drinking a little fucking smoothie here, you know, I don't know what I'm doing. I got to add some cardio, but you know something I got this fucking shit bit out of me by some goddamn bugs. I don't even know where they always go after my left foot. You know, I'm like the fucking Daniel Day Lewis of bug bites. My left foot, they just go after it. Right now it is on fire. You know, I literally have to put like some that oxy 10 on it and then I got to put a sock on it. Like, so I won't scratch it. Like, you know, when you put a fucking the goddamn I someone said chandelier a fucking lampshade over a dog's fucking, you know, so you can't turn around by itself. The problem is that's why I should I should stick a fucking one of those lampshades on my on my ankle.

But the problem is I'm a goddamn human being made in the image of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. So I have the ability to figure out how to take off said lampshade and start scratching the fuck out of my ankle. It was so bad the other night actually woke me up. Like nothing could touch it. It was on fucking fire. And dude, these are next level. These are next level global warming fucking mosquitoes. All right, if you got a pair of jeans on or dungarees, as they used to be called, they'll bite right through them. They don't give a shit. You know, I wish there could be some assassin fucking mosquitoes, right? And rather than just biting regular old fucking people and giving them malaria and that shit, like they could just fucking just go.

Fucking just go find one of those Bilderberg meetings and just find who the fuck is in front of all this goddamn madness. Sorry guys, I don't know. This is why I don't watch the fucking news. Yeah, it's going 100 million fucking miles an hour into the brick wall and all these fucking rich people think that somehow they're going to have a parachute. And I guess what the rest of us are all going to die. Is that what it is? Oh, Bill, come on. It's a holiday. All right. All right. Let's talk football here. Let's talk football. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. How about those red socks? Lots of the white socks last night, eight to nothing. For the first time, we're actually kind of playing like 500 ball and I think it's a great thing. I don't want to go to the fucking playoffs, not knowing what losing feels like.

Like, wait, what's this? Are the wheels coming off? I want to more be like, oh yeah, this, we got out of this. All right, sales still on the disabled list as far as I know. And I don't know if Price has pitched since he got hit by that comeback. A liner off his wrist. X-rays were negative. We're doing further fucking studies. So we shall see. We'll see what's going to happen. Last I saw the Astros, the team to beat the defending World Series champions getting zero respect out there in Houston. You know, you would think that the baseball team was as fat as the average person in Houston. And don't even fucking wrinkle your goddamn snout up at me if you fucking live in Houston. You guys went back to back. You had a goddamn dynasty of being fucking nominated or winning the fattest city in the United States of America.

All right. And this is the fattest fucking country, evidently. Okay, you are a fat person's fatty, Houston. Down there fucking barbecue and everything, aren't you? You know, I was just actually just in Houston. There is not a juice joint in that entire city. Lettuce is illegal. This is a U.S. city. Okay. Now, are you wondering why they had that biblical flood down there? Maybe God was like, this is a level of sloth that I have never seen. See, that's why there's never a flood out here in Hollywood. Okay, because we are so righteous.

We are so living day to day in his image, in his word. I want you all right now. I want you to close your eyes. I want you to close your eyes right now and just know that Jesus, he wants you to live in Hollywood. He wants you to go there. He wants you to do some coke. He wants you to get a girlfriend, try to fuck her friend, try to get both of them to fuck you at the same time. He wants that. Sorry, that was my Joel Olstein. That's why he didn't open the goddamn doors when that flood fucking came in. God, I don't have one of my fucking Jesus going to keep pulling out fucking barbecued fish for these people. I simply do not have enough wafers to sustain this. It's going to be a riot. They're going to rip up my blue carpet.

He was content to let those fatties just float right by the arena. You know what I would have done? I would have put some fucking moorings. Is that what you call those things you get dock a boat to? I would have thrown some rope out there and just had those fatties fucking, you know, out there like a bunch of dinghies until the water came down. I mean, what was Joel Olstein supposed to do? Okay, Joel Olstein's in shape. He lives in Houston. You know why that is? It's a miracle. I tell you, I saw the image of a skinny Joel Olstein in my Pop-Tart the other day when I was in downtown Houston. You ever take two Pop-Tarts, you heat them up and you stick a glaze donut in the middle of it?

Of course you don't. You don't live in Houston. You ain't about this life. I had to drink smoothies more before I do a podcast. I have incredible energy and a new level of disrespect for a lot of things. Dude, my fucking foot. My fucking foot is driving me nuts. And then I got a bug bite on the back of my arm. And then I got another one on my lower back, like just to the right of where a tramp stamp would be. Did I ever tell you guys I was dumb enough to get one of those in the 90s? I did. I got a Boston Bruin stamp trap, you know, and it said real men wear black and I had that right above my ass. And I had to work so hard in stand-up to finally be able to afford enough money to begin my laser treatments to remove it.

I know a lot of you probably always wondered why I never wore a half-shirt on stage. Well, that is why. Okay? I mean, I guess my big fault is that I'm a hockey fan. Okay? There, I said it. Did you guys watch any college football yesterday? How about college football just taking over this weekend the way the NFL does towards the end of the year? The NFL doesn't give a fuck that you got Christmas shopping to do. They don't care that you got your Jewish and you got to buy fuck, was it eight gifts, nine gifts? For each fucking person, right? Is that candle fucking goes? Candle number one, what do you got? Well, how do you do it, Jewish people? Do you build? Do you build up the gifts? That's why you got to do it, right? You got to start with the weakest thing you got, right?

I got a pair of socks, you know? And you just gradually build the whole outfit up. If you show up for quons, right, the NFL does not give a fuck. Come the end of the year, they're like, we own all the weekends. We're taking all the fucking money, all right? We're showing games on Saturday that we thought were going to matter, but don't. We're kicking off the NFL season this Thursday. This Thursday, the NFL season is back. Ladies and gentlemen, NFL football is back, okay? And for the next 17 fucking weeks with the bye week, however fucking long the fucking season is now, the regular season, okay? I like to think that this country can set aside all of the issues that are weighing us down and we can lose ourselves in the bread and circus that is professional football.

And when does it start, Bill? Oh, it starts Thursday night, Thursday night with yellow defending Super Bowl champions, the Philadelphia Eagles. Did you ever think you'd ever hear that in your fucking life, people of Philadelphia? You know you didn't. Don't even act like you did, right? Where the fuck am I? You guys are playing the dirty birds down there in fucking Atlanta. It's the battle of the birds this Thursday night. This is the only Thursday game worth watching for the entire fucking season. Why? You might not have asked. Because this is the only one where the fucking teams didn't play four days earlier and they're all banged up. Yes, the Eagles will be wearing green on green. Yes, the Falcons will be wearing, I don't know, black and red on black and red. It's a home game for the Eagles. They're probably going to bring the championship flag up there.

And can you imagine how many people in the city of Philadelphia are not going to be able to time their alcohol intake to when the flag is going to be raised? And they'll be in that little jail in the Eagle Stadium looking out, you know? While the police laugh at them, the local cops, as they play Iron Maiden's Rime in the Ancient Mariner, right? Somehow we combined Rime in the Ancient Mariner with the Count of Monte Cristo. I mean, he's looking out the fucking his jail cell and he could see the ocean. You could see how free, you know, see the boats going by and he was just sitting in there. And then later he got a gig on Sesame Street. Anyways, it starts with the Eagles and the Falcons.

Now, if you're a Philadelphia Eagles fan, you've got to be asking yourself, will this be a hangover game? Are the Eagles still celebrating? Who are my Patriots playing? Tom Brady coming up one of his great games as a pro against the Eagles. A lot of people forget that. They're like, Don Brady, don't drop the fucking ball. He threw for over 500 yards in a Super Bowl and lost. Okay, now let's the Patriots go to the Super Bowl again this year. You tell me when the fuck that's ever going to happen again.

Everybody talking about Joe DiMaggio. Oh, oh, 56th game hitting street, whatever. Anybody can fucking do that. 56th game hitting street is pretty goddamn impressive, you know. To the point they literally were writing songs. Joe DiMaggio, whatever they were doing, right? The president was paying attention. Did anybody write a fucking song with Tom Brady threw for 500 fucking yards in a goddamn Super Bowl?

People have thrown for half that much. Smoked a cigar and paraded around with the... He threw enough yards to win two fucking trophies in one game and the man lost. So everybody's sitting around going, how? Can Tom keep doing it? He's fucking old and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, and I'm sitting over here with no more hair left on top of my head to pull out going, the problem is not Tommy.

I would say it's our defense. I'd say that that was the fucking problem. That was such a fucking weird game. I would love to go back and watch it at some point. And just try to figure out how there was only fucking two punts or three punts the whole fucking game. The weirdest goddamn game I've ever seen in my life. It's like both offenses showed up to play and the fucking defense was just like, this is a Super Bowl, I just can't get comfortable.

What else? We got the Bengals or the Bengals. As Paul Versey calls them, the Bengals, calls them the girl group there. And he calls the girl group the Bengals. Okay, but Paul Versey, he marches to the beat of his own drummer, is playing the Colts Andrew Luck. And I'm gonna tell you something right now, I'm gonna tell you something right now about Andrew Luck. Alright, if you're fucking sitting there and life keeps kicking you in the dick, and you're landing face down in the dust, you know, and you just don't want to get up anymore,

watch Andrew Luck take a fucking hit. He doesn't give a fuck, gets up, he congratulates the guy, hey great job man, I'll probably be feeling that in my early 50s. Congratulations, see you on the next play. I love that guy. This is me actually saying something positive about the Indianapolis Colts as much as I hate Jim Ursay. Alright, Andrew Luck, the way he conducts himself out there, with such fucking class, and actually transcends the fact that he takes a paycheck from that corrupt piece of shit.

That flimflam, the boss hog of the fucking NFL. Anyways, the bills are playing the ravens. This is what I gotta be asking my, if I'm a Buffalo Bills fan, and I got my face in a plate full of fucking wings over at Ankebar or fucking Duffy's, whatever the fuck you're supposed to go, I gotta be asking myself, is this the year where the bills for the finally return to their AFC championship winning glory? Do the bills finally get back to their peak going to a Super Bowl? Sorry, you know, I'm gonna give people in the AFC East a lot of shit.

The Buccaneers and the Saints. Drew Brees, by the way, not a lot of people realize this guy, he's second all time. I think he's thrown from more yards than Tom Brady. Nobody pays attention to him, who's who's kidding who. He's not dreamy like Tom Brady. He's not as tall as Tom Brady, you know? Supermodels are not knocking on his door. He is a regular Joe.

He's a family man. You know, and he's down there in a fucking city that the devil is even scared to go to, and he's been able to maintain the fucking values that he was brought up in. I would say that is actually more impressive to me than actually the amount of yards he's thrown in his career. We're taking callers. Patriots are playing the Texans, right, and that fucking insane quarterback's coming. I already forgot everybody's names. Was that kid from Louisville?

So Clemson, I don't know where the fuck he's from. But I know he's amazing, and JJ Watts is back. So this should be an early test for these two England Patriots. The 49ers versus the Vikings. I don't even know what's going on over there. Okay, is Kaepernick still kneeling on the ground? Kaepernick doesn't have a gig. The Vikings.

The Vikings, who are at their peak right now. Doing what they do. Coming close, fucking it up, waiting to the next season, and they are on the roof. Can they finally, can they finally turn the fucking corner? What else? What else is going on? The Giants are looking good. They got that maniac running back from fucking Penn State.

They're playing the Jaguars. The Browns. They got that fucking dude from Oklahoma, right? The guy on TV said was undraftable. And he went on his fucking show with an undraftable shirt. They got this kid. A little bit of swag. The Cleveland Browns playing the Steelers right out of the gate.

Jesus Christ, those two cities, they don't even get a chance to put their fucking feets up. I cannot fucking wait. I am taping all of these games, and your Los Angeles Rams versus the Oakland soon-to-be Las Vegas Raiders. I mean, how great a fucking game is that going to be? That's the game, right there. That's the game of the week, right there. Rams, first Raiders, as far as I'm concerned.

That's the one I want to see. Oh, the 49ers have, what's his face? Seattle's Richard Sherman. They got him coming back from the fucking dreaded Achilles tendon injury. See what he can do for the 49ers, you know what I mean? All right, there you go. So good luck to all you guys, unless you're playing the Patriots. And now let's talk college football.

How great was the college football? You know, they were smart enough to not have all those cupcake games at the beginning of the year. I mean, when I was growing up, like, September was a joke. You get your football cad from your bookie, and what would they be saying? They would be just like Nebraska would be favored by 59 against like Kent State, and you'd take Kent State, and then like they would be up like fucking 35 to nothing at the half, and you're like, they would cover. Anyways, I watched my LSU, my adopted LSU Tigers against the Miami Hurricanes,

and a good friend of mine is a huge Miami Hurricane fan, to the point that I actually root for the Miami Hurricanes because I'm friends with him. Not that I was ever a hurricane fan. I wasn't. So he was playing my adopted LSU Tigers. His team was playing my team, so I texted him before the game. I said the Miami Tropical Depression. You know, like when they think it's going to be a hurricane and then they downgrade it to a tropical storm. Well, the downgrade of tropical storm is tropical depression, I believe,

according to the weather that I looked up. So he's like, fuck you, man, so we would have a better round of drinks or some cigar. I can't even fucking remember. And I got to tell you right now, I thought, you know, LSU the entire time, I've been a fan of these guys since like 2008, when I moved out here, 2007, 2008. So 2007, when I came out to LA, and I actually had time to watch college football, and I'd like Les Meyers and how he would go forward on fourth down and trick plays and all that shit. And you know, and I just, I wasn't going to just jump on the Alabama bandwagon.

Isn't it amazing that they're still at the peak 10 years later? There's still the team to beat. So I was like, I'm going to go with these guys. So I've been watching them for 10 years. And for 10 years, we have not had a fucking quarterback. They were doing that awful thing like that old school college football thing where it was just like, this is a running down, put in the black quarterback. This is a passing down, put in the white quarterback.

They were doing that shit in the 2000s, right? And then I think their all time rushing leader was their quarterback, you know, which is not a good stat. They've had these beasts at defense. They actually had Odell Beckham at one point. My buddy was saying like, what a fucking waste. They had nobody to throw it to. Throw it to him. So I'm watching the game yesterday and this kid, Joe Burrow, who I guess transferred from some other college.

I was losing my mind watching this guy. I'm like, this guy's a fucking quarterback. You know, people getting in his face, giving him shit. He's giving him shit back. He's fucking, he's reading the blitz. You know, he was doing all this type of shit and I was all excited. And then I was just like, this guy's got to have like 250 yards. He only had 144.

That's how much the QB position has suffered while I've been watching these guys. That I was excited that there was a guy in the middle of the third quarter had 144 yards passing. And their new coach, I hope I say his name right, Ed Orgeron. I don't even know how to say his name, but all I know is he's, he's got that by you fucking accent. And he sounds like fucking Hulk Hogan. He sounds like he's doing a wrestling promo. I was waiting for me. Let me tell you something, brother.

I'll try to get you a clip of him and he flips out and screams and yells at the players. And that reminds me of what a football coach was when I was a kid. LSU for the most part just handled 25th ranked LSU just handled eighth ranked Miami Tropical Depression Miami Hurricanes. And but in typical LSU fashion, they still scared me towards the end when all of a sudden Ella Miami started coming back. And then it was just like it was 33 to 17 with six minutes left and Miami stopped him again. I'm like, they are two drives in two, two point conversions. Touchdown two point conversions away from tying this fucking game. Only LSU could make me this nervous after being up like 33 to 10 or some shit like that.

But they held on. They won and all of that. So I am excited. I know it's the first week of the season before all you negative cuts out there are going to be fucking, you know, maybe Miami was over overrated much. You know, like that's some sort of like people just hate people being excited. Oh, what? What are you happy about something?

How can I fucking shit all over this? Anyways, let's let's do some ad reads here on Labor Day to you. Oh, just in time for fucking football season. Now remember people, you gotta gamble responsibly. What I love about these guys is these guys do not hide behind the fact that they are a gambling site like some of those other ones way back in the day. Like this is a this is a game of skill. All right, my bookie. Huh?

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Okay, now next thing I'm going to do, I'm going to cut up the tomatoes, the lettuce, have all the pickles, have everything ready to fucking go. And this year, for the first time ever, I am going to do a practice burger just to make sure my temperature is right. To know how long, so for all the people who want it medium rare, medium, well, well done, all of that fucking shit. I made my patties small this year, I made them thin, all right? Better than McDonald's or old school McDonald's, not quite Wendy's, all right? Right in the fucking wheelhouse. Because I used to work, I used to work in a, this place called Disable Cafe in, in Cary, North Carolina. I worked there, I swear to God, 31 years ago, I worked there for nine months.

And unfortunately, the restaurant was gradually going out of business. I was a busboy and then I became the busboy and dishwasher. And then at one point I swear to God, I was the grill chef, the busboy, and the dishwasher. As I took on these extra jobs, they would give me like a 50 cent raise. And I was so bad with math, it never dawned on me like, hey, minimal wage is $3.50 an hour. And, and, and the dishwasher was getting paid $3.50 an hour and I was getting paid $3.50 an hour. So you're paying two people $7 an hour to do these two jobs.

And now I'm doing both jobs. That other person doesn't have a job and I'm only making $4 an hour. Then I became the grill chef. And I think I was making $4.75 an hour or $5 an hour to do three fucking jobs. And I would be out there and I would be, I was glassed in on a mesquite grill with a chef hat. And underneath my apron, I had the bow tie fucking busboy outfit. It was literally like, you know, when Peter Brady had two dates and one night, right? And I fucking would duck down when I saw a table almost done eating and I would run out there, bust the table, run back,

throw all the dishes in the dishwasher and then run fucking back out without washing my hands. There's just food, but you still, you know, I'm just handling your food and then I would continue fucking cooking. And that's when I learned that little trick, you know, where you, you know, I learned it this way. You put your, you put your, you just touch your thumb to your index finger and then touch the fleshy part of your, of your hand that connects to your thumb. You press on that, that's rare. Then you just move it to your middle finger. That's like medium rare. Then the ring finger as well.

And then the fucking pinkies. Well done. Now that fucking works. Provided you didn't all, but it all depends on how thick the patty is and how high your fucking heat is. So you got to balance all of that out so you can use that because that actually fucking works. Unless your heat's up too high and your meat's too thick and then you think it's well done and all you did was chubby outside and inside. It's a fucking Friday to 13th. So I'm going to do that and have myself a tasty fucking burger before anybody even arrives.

I'm going to have my timer. I'm going to adjust my fucking heat and I'm going to, I'm going to be ready for fucking Freddie. If you know what I mean, that's, that's my deal here. Okay, that's how I'm doing it. And I'm going simple this year. Burgers and dogs. Fuck you. You don't like it.

Get the fuck out this country. I'm not smoking anything. I'm not fucking, I'm not doing any of this bullshit. Burgers and dogs. We got potato chips. We have the standard fucking condiments. Lettuce, tomato, pickles, ketchup, onions, mustard. All right.

No fucking Asian infused fucking this or Italian influence that. Oh, Billy ball game. I'm going the fucking, I'm going old school. We got cheese. What kind of cheese you want? You want the white or the yellow? We don't have any margarine. We have butter.

I'm toasting the buns. Unless you tell me otherwise. All right. That's it. Can you feel my anxiety? All right. Stamps.com everybody. The US Postal Service is an important tool for any business.

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No need to lease an expensive, expensive postage meter. And there are no long term commitments. I use stamps.com because include your personal recommendation. Whenever I send out my fucking posters, dude, I use stamps.com. I'm a moron. If I can do it, so can you. Absolutely no negative references to the post office. Oh my God.

I wish I could cook a burger for people at the post office. And right now you too can enjoy stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four week trial plus postage and a digital scale. Go to stamps.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr that stamps.com. Enter Burr. All right. That was my nod to people in the Midwest.

Bob, go to stamps.com in order their butcher box. Speaking of butcher box butcher box pork and ATC festival. That's right. The All Things Comedy Festival is coming back to Phoenix. It's coming back to Phoenix in October. Hey, and by the way, and I will be there doing a live podcast. This is a pre fucking promo. Okay, I don't have any dates yet.

I'm just letting you know. Keep your October open. It's October 20 something, I believe. Anyways, shit's probably already on sale. I don't even know. Speaking of other things that I need to promote. I did a movie last year called the front. All right.

And the trailer starring Hugh Jackman. The trailer who's already getting Oscar buzz. He's getting Oscar buzz old freckles. All right. And I actually made the trailer. You realize how much I'm moving up in the world? That I'm actually in the movie trailer. Now, I'm not saying that if you drop a piece of popcorn,

you look down and kick it under the seat in front of you that you won't miss me in the trailer. I'm just saying that I am in it for a hot second. With one of the best actors of today who is getting Oscar buzz. Repeat Oscar buzz. This weekend I'm going to be in some casino north of the hells in Sacramento. And then the next day I'm going to the Toronto Film Festival

for the premiere of the front, starring Hugh Jackman who's getting Oscar buzz. Okay. And then the movie was directed by the great Jason Reitman. By the way, if you want to fucking win an Oscar. Okay. It's starting to become work with old freckles here. All right.

We had two Oscar winners last year. Two or three from F is for family. Fucking Sam Rockwell won it. Allison Janney won it. I think Lord Dern got like a golden globe. I don't watch award shows. Okay. I don't have time.

I'm too busy focusing on things that don't matter like sports. And now look what happens. I have about seven lines in this movie. And all of a sudden, not coincidentally, Hugh Jackman is now nominated. Oh, no, he's getting Oscar buzz. I should say. Okay. And why is that?

Because he's unbelievably talented. Because he puts the work in because he's a pro. Maybe, maybe, but I think more so is that he had half a scene with me. I think that's what it is. See, once I go in the scene and they see what I look like and where my acting is at, right? I'ma said hack and act at the same time. Then whatever you're doing as the other actor is just going to be so fucking elevated that all of a sudden you're, you know, you're going to be in the running.

Okay. And that's what I bring to Hollywood. All right. Put your box everybody and the all things comedy festival. Oh, by the way, congratulations to Jason Reitman and Hugh Jackman for getting all this great and everybody else that's in the fucking movie. You know, for getting all this awesome reviews, which is a very hard thing to do this day and age with all the cunts out there on the internet.

It's really difficult to try to get some sort of positive feedback. And I'm just happy just to be a small part of it. You know what I mean? I'm like Bill Walton when he joined the Celtics. Okay. My feet are fucked up. I'm just happy. You know, every once in a while throw it to me and I'll get a couple of points.

The crowd will go nuts because I am on the scoring sheet. That's where I'm at. Put your box pork at the all things comedy festival. Hey Bill, huge fan just writing in to thank you for the butcher block block plug. Oh, listen to this. This dude tried the pork chop that I've been raving about the heritage bread fucking pork. Okay. You talk about the pork chops.

You talked about the pork chops and how great they were. So I had to get my hands on them. My wife, who is an amazing cook, seasoned these chops so well. I have to share it with you. She put extra virgin olive oil on them and salt and pepper. Then let them rest for like 45 minutes. Look at that. I mean, that's about as standard of rub as you could possibly get.

That's all you have to do about a half a teaspoon per chop. Then she just cooked them in the oven for like 25 minutes. You said the over cooked them in the over for like 20 to 25 minutes. I'm assuming that meant oven bill. It was the best goddamn pork chop I ever had. I fucking told you. He goes when you get a cheat day, try that recipe. Thanks again.

Can't wait to see you in Phoenix in October. So I guess the tickets are already on sale. Yeah, guys, I'm telling you, man. Who fucking knew that there was a purebred fucking pig out there, which bloodlines can be traced back to the original white people, the OG whiteies over there in Europe. I'm telling you, I did mine differently. I took out a black skillet and I got that heat going, right?

And I just I forget what I I don't even know what I put on the fucking thing. I probably didn't know in me, German, Irish guy that I am. I seared both sides and then I finished it in the oven and then I brought it out and I did a like a rosemary butter bath. Oh, I mean, I didn't even need a fucking side. It was everybody I took. I was just punching the fucking table. It was it's that fucking good.

If you're a kind of war there, you got to get the fucking heritage bread. They're not even paying me for this. This is how fucking good it is. All right, urban mayor. Although that's a real slick way to get some fucking advertising in for free. Be somebody that fucking writes in with their own experience. Urban Meyer or mayor. I would spell is that's John mayor, but it's urban Meyer.

Is it John Meyer? Hey, Billy Baluga whale. What are your thoughts about urban Meyer and the OSU scandal? Do you think he should have been fired? Oh, you know, I stopped following that he got fired over that. What the fuck was this? Is this jerseys again? Urban mayor fired reason.

There we go. Bump bump bump bump. Bodo. Why is urban Meyer? He suspended. Doesn't say. Oh, he's not fired. He suspended.

Hey, Jason Lawhead would have been fucking tweeting all in capitals at the whole fucking world. Maybe he was. Why is urban Meyer suspended? Here's the short and the long answer. Ohio State suspended urban Meyer for the first three games of Ohio State's 2018 season. Who the fuck are they playing? Fuck had you. This is the non suspension suspension.

He's misses the Buckeye season opener against Oregon State. Another likely blowout win for weeks two and three against Rutgers. Another likely blowout win in TCU, a tougher game and a trip to Texas. TCU's kind of fell off. Well, what happened to TCU? Come on from mayor can coach during the week before sitting out the game itself. Offensive coordinator Ryan Day is acting head coach while Meyer is out. Yeah.

And he has a headset on the whole game. Gee, who the fuck you think he's talking to the short reason for the head coach's suspension? A school commission investigation decided he mishandled domestic abuse allegations against his former receivers coach Zach Smith. Oh, this is a little more serious, but they didn't think is it bill? Is it a little more serious than fucking players selling their own jerseys? But they didn't think mayors conduct was egregious enough to merit firing one of the most successful coaches in college football history subtext. Hey, it was only one broad. All right, we got a national championship with this guy below is the longer reason.

A recap to the details. Smith's now ex-wife Courtney Smith has repeatedly accused him of domestic violence going back to 2009. So how does this fall on an urban Meyer? He's supposed to be a fucking cop too. 2009 Zach Smith, then a staffer under Meyer at Florida, went to a party at Meyer's house. Smith came home with a woman co-worker who had been drinking and planned to have her stay on Smith's couch according to investigation. All right, sounds like a standard party. They said Courtney Smith strenuously objected and drove the woman to her home. That began a disagreement.

Courtney's called 911 and alleged that Zach picked her up and threw her against a wall. Police arrested Zach for aggravated battery and later dropped the charge. Meyer says Zach and Courtney met with him at his Florida office and told him Zach's arrest was based on false information Courtney gave to the police. Yeah, in other words, she told the fucking truth. And then when they fucking sobered up or calm down, they were like, this could cost us a lot of money. Don't do it again. And we'll say that I lied. Courtney denies that she attended that meeting and Zach also recalled to OSU's investigators that she wasn't there.

Okay, so he sounds like he's lying. To the investigative team, Courtney Smith denied recanting her allegations. She has never walked back any allegations in public interviews either. All right. No charges were ultimately filed against Zach for the 2009 incident. Yeah, because they were working for a big university. How does this go on Urban Meyer? Meyer hired him at Ohio State in 2011.

A university background check didn't turn up an arrest. Meyer didn't tell anyone else at Ohio State about it because he told investigators charges weren't filed and he didn't think Zach had actually committed any domestic violence. Between October and November 2015, and what's the show that he even saw this shit? In October and November 2015, police twice went to Corti's home to investigate abuse allegations against Zach. Dude, this one of these deals looks like we just fucking break up already. That year, Courtney texted with Mayor's wife, Shelly about Zach. Shelly expects sympathy and fear for Courtney in her own message. And Courtney has said Shelly told her she'd informed the head coach about Courtney's allegations.

Yeah, but she could have been lying. You know, both Mayor Meyer maintained to OSU investigators that Shelly never did inform Urban about the text messages, but Meyer has acknowledged both in a public statement in early August and to investigators that he did know of an allegation in 2015. I don't understand. So what? So he knows about it. So call the fucking cops. I don't understand why this is on the football fucking program. They are not the cops. They are not judges. They are not juries. This whole fucking thing now where the judge and the jury and all of that shit is now on social media and all of this shit. It's fucking, I don't get this. It's like if he fucking did something, call the cops.

The cops go there. They fucking arrest him and he fucking goes to jail. I don't understand how the cops go there. I recanted it. No, you didn't. All right, we dropped the fucking charges, but then the cops dropped the charges, but then the school is supposed to go. No, but you're still fucking guilty. I don't know. I mean, unless he was there and saw him doing that shit, what the fuck is he supposed to do? This is why you have cops. This is why the cops don't coach your football team. I don't know. I have no idea. I don't get that. I get that if the university fired that guy. You know, I don't get why urban mayor, Meyer, why that guy gets dragged into the shit.

I mean, if he was beating the shit out of her at a fucking football practice, then I guess urban was there going, hey, settle down, settle down, nothing to see here. And I guess he implicated himself by that. I mean, I don't, you know, I mean, these are fucking adults here. That guy knows he's not supposed to be beaten up as fucking wife. He's an adult, so he should pay the fucking price. I don't get why this guy has to now. You know what I mean? When some gold digging whore fucking takes some guy's house, does she go to jail? Does she lose her job? Does her friend that knew she was a gold digging whore? Does she then lose her fucking position in the fucking world? I don't get it. It's just like it's a fucking one-sided street here.

If a guy does something to a woman that he shouldn't be doing, not only is he going to get punished now, everybody around him is going to get fucking punished. But if a woman does something to a guy, hey, it's all right. Everything's fucking fine. It's fucking bullshit. That's what I say. I think it's fucking bullshit. If you're doing this on both sides of the fucking fence, if you could somehow prove that this guy actually fucking knew this shit, granted, I'm just going off of one website here. All right? From what I read on the internet, which doesn't mean shit, why do you guys ask me these fucking questions? All right, dancing. Hey, Bill, I'm a 16-year-old kid from Minnesota. Minnesota.

And I'm starting my junior year in high school this week. I'm not a loser and I'm not the coolest kid either. I'm right. There you go. You're in the middle. That's where I was. I feel like I'm being held back by my inability to dance. What do you go to? Fame high school? It's not that I don't have rhythm. I play three instruments. My band leader told me to dance like I was playing an instrument. The problem is I never know what to do with my hands and I can't exactly be playing air sacs at dances this year. I really don't care that much. It's just that I know I can dance, but I haven't figured out moves yet. Well, then start dancing there, buddy.

I'm on the fucking internet. I'll go on the internet right now. I'll find you a fucking video. And then practice by yourself and do it in the mirror like the chicks do, right? All right, YouTube. YouTube, you can dance too. All right, search. Basic dance moves to not look stupid. I spelled stupid with an E at the end. What the fuck stupid? How to dance with confidence, not look like a dork. And I got to tell you this guy. Club dance moves for men. How to not look stiff and awkward. Bam. There you go. Here we go. A three minute video after this fucking stupid goddamn guy tells me about great nuts standing on a fucking mountain.

So I'm always just started running naked. How to dance for men. It's an Asian kid with a cool hat. You know he's going to be good. There you go. Bam. The name of this video is club dance moves for men. How to not look stiff and awkward for beginner. All right, dude, I found that in two fucking seconds. All right, there you go. There you go. You're in. So just fucking do that for a while till it's second goddamn nature. Put a little stank on your face and, you know, pump a fucking couple drinks in yourself. No, no, no, you're underage. You'll be fine, dude. You'll be fine. Just do it. Learn how to, how did you learn how to get good at saxophone?

Did you sit there going, you know, I know I could play saxophone, but you never did it. Just go out and do it. You'll be fine. All right, solo fucking power. Dear Bill, this old house. I'm a homeowner like yourself. And like yourself, I looked into solar power. Hey, dude, not from nothing. I don't want to be a cunt here. Have you paid off your house? Because if you haven't paid off your house, you're not a homeowner. All right, what you own is the debt on the house. Okay. I hate when people go, oh, you rent your own. I own. No, you don't. You don't own it. You don't own it until they give it to you that fucking goddamn piece of paper. Sorry. And like yourself, I looked into solar power. Bill, when I tell you I spent over 200 hours reading up on solar

and talking to different installers, I'm telling you the truth. I had zero luck finding anything that made sense. Yeah, I think there's a lot of taxes and shit. There's a lot of oil and coal kind of jockeying against that shit. The more research I did, the more discourage I got. I went in thinking there was no way I wouldn't come out with some type of solar panel, subsidizing the energy I use. Yeah, now they do this thing with the electric company that used to buy back your power. Now they just claim the shit that you don't even use. I hate to be cynical, but I feel like solar is useless till the technology gets better. I don't know if you've ever followed through, but I was hoping to get an update. I don't think it's useless. I understand anything that is going to help us slow down fucking global warming is going to be an asset. If you can't afford to do it, I understand. I have not done it yet. I keep telling my wife I want to do it and she's just like,

is this going to be loud? I would love to do it. I have some Spanish style, not on all the whole roof. My roof is flat and then there's a little lip of Spanish tiles, but like Tesla is allegedly coming out with those Spanish tiles that are also solar powered. I mean that fucking guy is like actually addressing what's going on. And I wish there was a way that he could fucking hire coal miners to fucking work in the solar industry. So they didn't have to take away 30% of our beautiful public parks to continue using this fucking form of energy that is fucking with the planet. But for some reason you're not allowed to bring it up if you do, you're crying snowflake. I don't know. I have no idea and I have not read up nearly as much as you have. I have not even overheard as much as you've probably read on it. I'll read up on it. I should do it. I would love to do it.

But every time I fucking go to do something in my house, I don't want to tell you guys what I'm fucking dealing with right now. I don't even want to fucking tell you what I'm fucking dealing with. Have you ever heard of roof rats? Roof rats. We have a crawl space between our roof and you can't stand up, but it was enough that these fucking mice got up there. And we have an exterminator come up there. God knows what they did in the walls. Thank God they didn't chew through any fucking wires. So then I got to go up there and get rid of the dead mice. That's my life. Okay, sobriety. Hey Billy, bomb a set. I'm a 27 year old male and I just wanted to truly say thank you for helping me onto the wagon of sobriety.

Forget the past few months. I really started listening to your podcast and have heard you bitch and moan the whole time about being sober from drinking. This made me think to myself, hey, if this cunt can do it, so can I. It's been a few weeks now and I've been clean from drugs and alcohol and I've never felt better. Yeah, dude, it's fucking amazing. Living a clean lifestyle, I mean, at night it sucks. That's when you get squirrely, but if you just fucking push through it and you wake up in the morning, it's like stone sober. It's like you feel like you're compared to, you know, being hungover and shit. And I never even fucked with drugs other than alcohol, which is a drug in all fairness. You feel like an eight year old when you wake up. He says, I don't have friends because they're deadbeat drug addict losers every day at my job.

I literally listened to eight hours of the podcast a day. So you're learning how to take your addictive personality and pointing it at shit that's more positive. Hopefully this positive is more positive. So in a sense, you're my only friend. So thanks for that as well. Thanks for helping me through these trying times and I really look forward to maybe seeing your set at one of your Chicago shows in November. Hey, you know, I was hanging out Friday night with a buddy of mine who's been sober for nine months and he just wanted to do it for a month. But just after a month, all this shit that he'd been putting off, all of a sudden he started getting shit done.

He said, I'm going to go two months and now he's just staying sober. He was saying just out of superstition that I don't want to go back to that. And that's a great thing. So I'm going to try to go September without drinking today. I have my big cheat thing is I have a glass bottle of grape Fanta that I am going to have with my burger. And then I'm right back on the wagon. But I'm going to be eating healthy the rest of the day. I hate that. Don't you know what people say? I've been eating clean.

You know, like, I just, I don't like that. Yeah, you know, just clean eating, been eating clean. It's like, you don't even know what the fuck you're eating. I go to these farmers markets and you have no idea where this shit came from. There's nobody down there. Like I heard like the FDA basically polices like 3% of the food. You have no idea where the fuck it came from. You have no fucking idea.

You have no idea what it's been sprayed with and all of that shit. But it says organic and it gets in your fucking head. Oh, I'm leaving fucking clean. You have no fucking idea unless you grew it yourself. Dilemma. All right. Dear Billy Brown Belt. Would you rather be forced to eat protein bars every meal for the rest of your life or eat one meal every four days? Can I survive?

Can I survive eating one meal every four days? I don't know if you could survive doing that. Man, that's a good one. No, I'd rather eat one meal every four days. I think I'd be more healthy than those protein bars because you don't know what the fuck's in those things either. You mean you flipped that thing over. Like, you know, I think it's fucking overrated. GNC.

All those powdered fucking chemicals. Like that Maca powder. Every time I put that in there, I go, what the fuck is this shit? The plant based protein powder and all that. It's just go, go eat a fucking plant. Anyways, number two. All right. Another dilemma.

I wouldn't want to be Billy Cliff bar for the rest of my fucking life. Because once every four days, I could actually, I could actually have something that I liked. You know, chicken and dumplings, some shit like that. Something really fancy. I mean, they'll be like having a death row fucking meal every four days. Yeah, that would be tremendous. As long as I could do that in a healthy way. Yeah, I would do that.

You get used to that quick. Number two, you're going to die. But you can save your life if you succeed at one of two things. Which do you have more confidence in doing successfully? Having one year to study and get a perfect score in the SATs. Fuck that. Or come in first place in a game of Monopoly. I have one year to come in first place in a game of Monopoly.

How many games can I play? Is it a Monopoly tournament? Am I playing with a bunch of old ladies that have been playing since the fucking depression and they're going to kick my ass? All right. Having one year to study and get a perfect score in the SATs. You know what, dude? I would love to try to do that. And it would take me way more than a year with the math.

All I know is that I took a college SAT prep course and I still got... I got a three-something combined. I'm not even fucking lying to you guys. That sounds like a joke, but I mean... They give you like 300 points just to sign in the paper. Yeah, I know. I know. I forget what I got.

Did I get a 410 or a 390? It was bad. And I remember getting laughs at my SAT score. You know? That's how I always did. I always fucking made fun of myself and I got laughs. So I actually... I remember I didn't give a shit.

I never gave a shit. I always kind of had this feeling that I was going to do all right in life. You know? I had an overall positive outlook despite everything that I was doing. You don't have two years of a language. You're gonna fucking... You know, this fucking stupid shit. You know what I mean?

Life is not about those things. All right? I'm not saying don't try. Don't fucking try to do well on the thing and all of that shit. I'm not fucking saying that. Well, what are you saying, Bill? I'm just saying there's a million ways to skin a cat. Okay, how the fuck did that come about, huh?

I gotta look that one up. It's more than one way to skin a cat, right? There's more than one way to skin a cat origin. An early appearance is in way down east of... Jesus Christ. What... Okay, etymology of the phrase, there's more than one way. You know, so many times when you look these up, it's just not satisfying.

So there's actually only two ways to skin a cat while it's alive or while it's dead. Well, I mean, you could also start at the head. You could start at the back. Didn't want to say the ass. There are two ways. One of them is you skin a cat because you are a bad person. The other is you don't skin a cat. You are a nice...

or the cat never existed. The third one, wait, is both. You skin a cat and at the same time, you don't skin it. Okay, this is just people writing. I find your use of boiled down in this context disturbing. You knew this would bring out all the fucking animal lovers, right? Let's see if there's any comments from the fucking PETA people. PETA people, PETA PETA people.

There's more than one way skin a cat is not referring to the removal of flesh from our feline friends, but rather a phrase that originated from the Mississippi River region that pertains to the preparation of a catfish. Oh! Oh! Well, maybe that's what it is. I have no idea. I don't fucking know. Anyways, that's the podcast. Happy Labor Day to y'all.

Happy Labor Day to you, woo-woo. I'll fucking check in on you this Thursday. Hey, hey, go fuck yourselves and enjoy your day off, you fucking cunt. Live.