Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-30-13

Episode Date: September 30, 2013

Bill rambles about a shot of syrup w/ an OJ chaser, texting while driving and what to do when you get busted for DUI.

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living, they really lie everywhere, the empty batteries. But now we go to the finish, bring them quickly to a BeBat collection point. You will always find one in your neighborhood on BeBat.be BeBat! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. What's going on? How are you? How's it going?

Did you have a nice weekend? I had a great weekend. Do you like when somebody does that to you, or they act like they want to know what your weekend's like, so they can just talk about their bullshit, you know? Did you guys have a nice weekend? I did. Well, let me tell you all the awesome fucking shit I did.

Hang on, let me get my juice. I gotta get my juice over here so I stay regular. Oh, fuck! God damn it! You gotta be shitting me. I just spilt it all over my fucking drum kit. What an asshole. Ah, Jesus Christ.

Well, you know what? I had a great weekend. The fucking week's not starting off. By the time this podcast is over, this Christ is going to be all sticky! Really? Did it really have to fucking land there? Juice gods, I just dumped it over again, trying to set it down. Fucking rug. Fuck!

Alright, hang on. I gotta hit pause here. Son of a fucking... Alright, I'm back. Jesus Christ. Not once, but twice. You know, what an asshole. Well, Jake, doesn't it do fucking worse just owning shit? Remember that when you didn't own anything? If you're young right now, you don't own something.

You fucking spill something. You don't give a shit. Ah, I'll get it later. I said I'll get it later! Now I gotta be all concerned. It's fucking hilarious to see this stuff I'm drinking. Spill it on the rug. It looks like a goddamn exorcist.

There's like nothing left. Christ, this was gonna be my breakfast! Yeah, I was in Chicago this weekend, right? So I ate like a pig, because that's what you do there. You eat like a fucking pig and you grow a mustache, even though nobody has a mustache out there that I saw. And they weren't really fat either. But I got to work at the beautiful Chicago Theater,

did two shows out there, and I'm not gonna lie to you, it was a little overwhelming. That was, I gotta tell you, it's like Royal Albert Hall is something that I would try and compare it to. I took a tour of that one time when I was out there in London for you Led Zeppelin fans. Fans of Led Zeppelin, if you watch that fucking video, which to me is a new one, but it already came out 10 years ago,

that has all their concert footage. That one from 1970. That's where that is filmed, Royal Albert Hall. And as far as the states go, the closest thing that we have to that would be the Chicago Theater, and I got to perform in it, and it was pretty awesome. And that's the end of that story. I'm still fucking pissed about this.

It was a great time. So I wanna thank everybody for coming out there. And you know what, it sucks, because I was so fucking overwhelmed. I forgot I was gonna sing when I came out there. You know, I was gonna come out and be like, now this can only happen to a guy like me, boo boo boo, and only happen in a town like this.

So let me say to each of you, I could have done that. I could have had a great fucking time, and I forgot because I was too busy going like, hey man, I gotta make sure I do a good job here, man. This is like one of these big ones. So anyway, you should probably ask yourself, hey Bill, other than the usual effeminate aspects

of your personality, why is it that you're drinking juice for breakfast? Why is it? I don't know why, because I ate like shit this weekend, and then, I don't know, I ate something last week that my, I don't know, my body treated it like a terrorist cell. It was like, we need to get these fuckers out of this country immediately.

And we don't care how many innocent people we have to take with it. Alright, there's gonna be some collateral damage here. Okay, everything in this sector has to go. But we need to, I said get out of here! Alright, for like four hours last week, and it was such an effective, like, my body was basically committed genocide on my large intestine. There was nothing left.

Okay, so, like three, to the point, like three days later, I don't wanna get all graphic here, three days later, you know, basically other than, I'll try to say this as nicely as possible, other than watching a game, there was really, or if I was tired, there was no reason for red face hair to have to sit down, if you know what I mean, for like three straight days. So now I think like, oh wait a minute, so what happened?

So now have I gone the other way? And now am I in, you know, I went from fucking wide open to, you know, it's like adjusting a carburetor. It was too rich and now am I getting nothing? I got the choke pulled all the way out here, is that what the fuck's going on here? I got nowhere down there! So I'm freaking out, and I'm like,

I've been fucking eating salads trying to, you know, so I talked to this doctor and he goes, and the guy just broke the thing down, he goes, all right, so what happened? I was like, well, you know, four days ago, it's so funny when you have to call a doctor about that, like how do you eloquently say like, yeah, listen man, I haven't like shit in four days,

is that a bad thing? And they just handle it like a champ, all right, well what happened to you five days ago? I was shitting my brains out for like four hours, you know, it was like the dot-com boom, and everybody thought it was going to last forever, and it just, the bubble burst, now it's nothing. So he's like, well, you having any abdominal pain?

Are you running a fever? I'm like, nope. He goes, what have you been eating? I've been eating salads. He goes, all right, well you probably don't want to do that. You don't need any more roughage, you want something else. And he said, you need, he actually said syrup. He said, go out and get yourself some pancakes,

or go have a waffle or something like that. Now listen, you don't need to fucking tell me more than one time to go out and get some fucking pancakes, all right? With my sweet tooth, okay? I'm a little light in the loafers over here when it comes to food. I don't mind a little sugar in my tank,

so I go, all right, fuck it. So I'm in Chicago, so I go out, and I go to get, I need some syrup, all right? So I can't go down to the front desk and say, hey listen, I need some syrup, because the oboe's not playing any music anymore if you know what I mean there. And I don't even know if that even made sense.

Whatever, I'm running out of metaphors here to not say, and I'm having shit. So I don't know, I just asked that cunt on my phone where the nearest diner is. She's like, I found 47 locations. And then just carpet bombs the screen. So I pick one that's like about 0.3 miles away, and I'm going there, going maybe I'll just go in there

and get a shot of syrup with an orange juice. Chesa. And I said, no, fuck it, I'll get some French toast. So anyways, I'm down near the Chicago theater, and there's this weird part of the city where there's like a city underneath the city. I don't get it, so I'm walking over towards it. And you know, the phone isn't three dimensional,

so it's saying right there, but it's actually one level down. It almost looked like a Blade Runner. So I'm sitting there, of course, cursing up a storm around children and families, of course, going this fucking stupid ass fucking phone. Remember back in the fucking day you just asked somebody, where the fuck's the diner? And they'd be like, oh, it's there, but it's downstairs.

So you got to walk down here. I'm supposed to this cunt just going, oh, it's right over here. Make a left, do this. You know, Siri doesn't care. Siri, whatever fucking, she doesn't give a shit if you fall. If repelling is involved, she doesn't give a fuck. All right, that's not her fault. She's only as smart as the man that made her.

So anyways, I find the stairs. I'm flipping out, of course, there's stairs. I go down the goddamn stairs. So I walk in and I, I don't know, I order some French toast. And you would think, you know, it would be the size, the French toast would be the size of a sandwich bread, like it is in most places, but this is the Midwest, particularly, I say that right, particularly Chicago.

And I swear to God, the French toast shows up and it looks like, you know, it'd be like if they decided how big should that the French toast be. And it'd be like, hey, does anybody have one of Bubba Smith's old fucking cleats? Let's just stick that in the batter and trace it. And that'll be how big the fucking bread should be. Can you trace it in batter? I guess you can't have it stick enough. Oh yeah, let's trace the bread around.

I'm just saying it was fucking huge. And then they gave me two slices, his left and right foot with powdered sugar. And I ordered an egg over easy on the side because I like eggs. And I got to tell you something, man. I went to this place called Eggies. All right, terrible fucking name. Hey, let's go over to fucking Eggies. Doesn't that sound like they're going to be runny?

I got to tell you the greatest egg over easy I ever had in my life. The yolk was easy. Hey, take it easy. Take it easy. The yolk was fucking easy. But the white part of the egg was the areola of the egg was fucking solid. I don't know how they did it. I was like, maybe they had the heat real high.

So right before the fucking yolk gets solid, the white part gets all hard, hard. And then they slip it out. I have no idea, but it was fucking delicious. And I'm one of those guys, I need a piece of toast. If I'm going to have an egg and I didn't have toast and it was still delicious, still delicious. And then I ate one of the French toast things and I left the other cleat to the French toast, all the fame. All right, and wouldn't you know, wouldn't you know three hours later? Okay, well, Billy was making music out the other end again.

And that's the end of my giant shit story. All right, this is the Monday morning podcast everybody. So there's one for you. If you ever shit your fucking brains out. And you know, and you're still eating well the next few days and you haven't gone. Go get yourself a shot of syrup with an orange juice chaser. All right, and you're going to be right as rain. Okay, not granted.

After four days, roadkill is coming out of your, this is disgusting. Let me get a shot of juice here. That's a good stuff. So anyways, what else do I want to talk about? Oh, last night, hey, breaking bad is over. I don't want to be the nine millionth person to talk about it, but Jesus Christ. Wasn't that a great ending? I loved it.

I thought they, uh, I thought they stuck the landing. I'm not going to ruin it for everybody. Well, I'm only on season two. It's been out for six years. Jesus, I don't know. You know what? I've never watched an episode of lost. Have you seen lost?

No, I haven't. I haven't. And every time I put it on, it's that guy with the giant head in the Palomalu haircut. And I can't figure out what the fuck's going on. And then the captain from Star Trek is being evil. That's all I know that goes on, on that show. So I have empathy, so I'm not going to say anything, but, um, it was great. It was a great fucking time getting to be on that show.

And, uh, fuck, I mean, there's no way to talk about it unless somebody saw the show. What the hell did I bring it up? Anyways, so there you go. The show's over and I am unemployed as an actor again. And that is why that is why you want my shit. No, that's why I would never stop doing stand up. Even if I didn't love it is because trying to be a working actor. Is that difficult that you can be on something that great and then it just fucking ends and it's over like stand up.

That doesn't happen. Like if I was doing stand up at the level of breaking bad, there wouldn't be like, okay, and this is your final stand up gig. And then it drops off again. And I go right down to ground zero and have to look for more stand up a gig and like prove myself all over again. I've often wondered like trying, what's the hardest either it's either trying to make it as far as show business, either trying to make it as an actor or trying to make it in a band. Bands are rough one because you got to split the money at least three ways. You know, unless you're in the black keys or if you're in the white stripes, then you split it two ways.

But still you got to get along with somebody else. All right. And the more people you have in your band, the bigger chance that it's just all going to go to shit. Look at guns and roses. All right. They had five people in the band. All right. They start fighting.

So a couple guys leave. One guy gets asked to leave. Another guy says, Hey, I don't like being dictated to so he takes off. No Steven. No Izzy. So they bring in fucking Matt Sorum and Gilby clock. Right. So you got five guys and what do they do?

Then they bring in a keyboardist dizzy. They got in horn players. All it is is more people to be late to come downstairs to get on the fucking bus. And the whole thing implodes. Everybody goes their separate ways. Right. The next thing you know, Axel has cornrows. Okay.

Now had that guy decided to just tell jokes just to do stand up, you know, which would have been great. I'm going to be great to see Axel doing stand up every time he tells a joke that gets an applause break. He does that little serpent dance to the side. I'm really trying to think of a joke that ends with, you know, where he could fucking, I don't know. Let me pay a nice sketch.

Axel Rose is a stand if he was a stand up comedian. He come on late. He probably still fuck it up. Not to have a little red on red crime here. All right. You got to hate when people do that. You got to hate when it becomes cannibalism here. I just completely lost my train of thought.

Oh, I know what I was going to say. I'll fire into the cell. We know 15 minutes and it's time to do a couple of reads here, people. All right. It's trying to time to whore myself out. All right. Let's do a couple here. All right.

Dollar Shave Club everybody. There are so many things in the world that irritate me spilling juice on my drum kit. I don't have a drum kit. It's a little practice pad thing, but I got, I do have the DW 5000 double kick there. Right. When I finally got fed up 10 years ago that I was never going to have a foot as fast as John Bonham. And I said to hell with it, let me try to do this speed metal stuff.

And that was just as hard. Right. So now I got this double pedal and it's just sitting there like, you know, with those hair metal bands in the 80s, whether they'd be just playing two, four basic Phil Rudd stuff, but they still had the double bass drum kit. So when they did the, uh, the drum solo, they could just be running underneath it and sound like, you know, Neil Pyrrick, whenever the fuck, when, when did they become Pyrrick? Neil Pyrrick.

I don't know where it was. Neil Pyrrick. The whole, his whole fucking career. Now I don't know. That irritates me. And it's not Neil Pyrrick anymore. It's Neil Pyrrick. Um, so those are the things that irritate me.

Hey, but when so many things can irritate you, why add razors to the list? You know, it's time to stop milking your razor blades, people. I know with brand name razors, you're used to paying outrageous prices and exhausting those razors until they start looking like a rusty soda can. Well guess what? It's time to move on. Dollar Shave Club delivers amazing quality blades to your door for just a few bucks a month.

Never think about it again. All right. You just stand in there, bang, bong. There's your blades for a month. They send you a pack every month so you can change your blades every week. That's awesome, man. That's what I, why didn't I think of doing this and have to jump around like a monkey on stage every damn week?

Anyways, I love these guys and your face is going to love them too. They also got a new product called one wipe Charlize. It's a butt wipe for men and it's classy. All right, as opposed to that low class toilet play paper just hanging around, you know, one wipe Charlie. Get in, get out. All right. The Harvey Kytel, the cleaner, if you will, of toilet paper and it, okay, check out the

video for that. Sign up for your razors today. Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr or go to billburr.com and click on the dollar shave club banner. I almost made it through it. You know what a one white Charlie is? That's basically America slowly admitting that the French got it right with the bidet.

Okay. What we're doing over here with toilet paper is ridiculous. I'm telling you, if you ever get into a hotel and there's a, there's a bidet, make yourself take it. Those are just a big shit podcast. I'm telling you, you got to use one and you'll be like, what the hell have I been doing? You know, with my life. Although I'd maintain that French people are still more stinky than we are because they

don't use deodorant. And who's kidding who? When you have a question in class, you don't spread your ass cheek. All right. I think everyone can agree you raise your arm. All right. All right. Hulu plus everybody.

You've probably tried hulu.com. Now with Hulu plus, you can watch your favorite shows anytime, anywhere. Hulu plus lets you watch thousands of hit TV shows and a selection of acclaimed movies on your television or on the go with your smartphone or tablet. And it streams all of this stuff in HD for the best viewing experience possible with hulu plus. You can watch your favorite current TV shows like Saturday night live community, family guy, uh, what else, breaking bad.

You can get all caught up. You can probably watch lost if you wanted to. You can also check out exclusive content, including hulu originals like the awesomes starring SNL, Seth Meyers and moon boy starring Chris O'Dowd from bridesmaids. Hulu plus also offers a great selection of acclaimed films for only $7.99 a month. You can't beat that. You can stream as many TV shows and movies as you want, wherever you want. Right now you can try hulu plus free for two weeks when you go to huluplus.com slash bill.

That's a special offener for my listeners. I love that line for my listeners. Not yours. Mine. It's huluplus.com slash bill. So you get the extended free trial and then they'll know that we sent you and they'll realize that this is working. Go to huluplus.com slash bill now or click the hulu plus banner on the podcast page at

billbird.com. All right. That wasn't that nice. Wasn't that nice and painless. All right. Here's what a cunt I am and we learned last week that I'm a real cunt. All right. I'm the real deal.

All right. If you tip me over, you're going to see the cunt stamp of approval right on my left butt cheek because I'm a lefty sort of. I'm also a righty. I'm all over the map. God damn it. This fucking juice is delicious. Kale's celery, green apple, coriander, the fuck is that?

Parsley and lime. What the hell is coriander? Oh, that can't be a spice. You can't get any juice out of a spice. That's the dandruff of food, spices, right? Anybody ever put dandruff in an omelet? You know, prisoner of war. That's disgusting.

You use dandruff as powdered sugar as you put it on like a wood shingle pretending it was french toast. That's like some greatest generation shit and they did it and then they never talked about it and then subconsciously took it out on their kids. And then you got the baby boom generation bunch of fucking cry babies. Oh my God. Is there ever a bigger pussy generation than them? We don't want to go to war, man.

I'm just making up shit people. Don't take this seriously. Oh, you can. But I don't give a fuck. Oh, so I was talking about what a cunt I am. I'm driving down to get my juice today, my medicine and you know, someone was texting me and all this type of shit and I'm trying not to text while I drive, but I do. I texted him back.

I can't do your podcast today. I'll do it next week doing Kevin Farley's podcast next week, yet another person on the all things comedy network. So by the way, I'll be on that next week. So anyways, I'm driving over to the juice bar and I pull in, I get the juice, throw it in the bag, come back out and there's like nobody there. I got a great parking spot and all I want to do is just whip around, do a U turn, right? Like Adam 12.

Every time they got a call, they would never go in the right direction. They always had to turn around, right? And you just can't. It's like a fucking out here in LA. I swear to God, it's like the goddamn Truman show says, just know what the fuck you're going to do. So I go to do it and out of nowhere, this fucking jerk off. He just appears, right?

Right out of the fucking air and not only does he block me from doing it. Like I'm just starting to pull out a little bit. He pulls into the parking spot right in front of me, front end first and almost takes off my front end. And you know, like when you almost get into an accident, even when you're wrong, cause I was wrong, cause I should have looked. He had the right away, but you get mad. Like I flipped out.

I just, cause I had scared like, oh my God, I'm going to rip off the front of my car and then it didn't happen. Jesus Christ, you fucking asshole. You start flipping out and then as you're yelling at the guy inside your car, there's that voice in the back of your head going, you were wrong. You were the wrong one that happened to me like three times, just fucking jerk off in front of me. I go around the block and he's doing that driving where you know they're texting, you

know, sort of creeping along and then, and then all of a sudden I know we're going real fast. They're driving and they completely suck at driving and it's like, they're sober. They're drunk. They're sober. They're drunk. That is fucking classic texting while driving. And I pull up alongside of the guy looking, I'm sure enough, he's looking down as he's

driving and I go, look at this fucking idiot texting while driving. And literally I had been doing it a half mile earlier, probably making the same person do that. I'm such a fucking hypocritical cunt. You know, at least I guess maybe I can hear who the hell is texting me? Jesus Christ. These people know I spill juice all over my rug and I don't have time for text. Um, anyway, so, uh, I don't even know if I even said it, I want to thank everybody who

came out to, uh, the Chicago theater this weekend. That was an unbelievable, unbelievable experience. And I definitely took a lot of photos, took a lot of video because that's one of those things where you're doing it and you're like, um, am I ever going to get to do this again? It was insane. Um, and if you ever get a chance to go to Chicago, here's a great, there's a great little weekend trip for those of you who don't live there in Chicago is basically, I know it's a little more East coast, but essentially it's, it's no more than a four hour flight for anybody

in the lower 48 here. Um, if your favorite band is playing there, that would be a great weekend. Go in there, see your favorite band at the Chicago theater and then hang out and eat their awesome heart attack food, uh, which I didn't even get a chance to do because of the earlier story. And also I flew in that day, I, you know, what the fuck, I should have taken the weekend there, but I'm too busy. I'm going right back up this weekend, um, the El Paso gig people is happening, trying

to happen again for the third fucking time. I've already lost two fans for life because of this gig, but I am determined. I am determined that I'm going to make this thing happen and, uh, the gig is on Wednesday and, uh, last time it was going to be Paul Verzi who was going to open for me. Uh, he's busy this time around. I'm bringing, uh, the Rose Bowl tailgate King. All right. The Sinatra of our Rose Bowl tailgate, uh, Joe Bartnick is coming out and, uh, this

guy is one of my favorite people and one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. He's funny when he's trying to be funny and he's funny even when he's not trying to be funny. He's a total fucking original really just lives by his own code. He's just, uh, he's fucking awesome and he's a throwback throwback to a different era. So he's going to be coming out there. I'm actually believing it or not. I'm going to drive out there.

That's how beautiful to drive from El Paso to San Antonio was I got to see the rest of this. I got to see the rest of the Southwest so I'm driving LA to El Paso. It's like a 12 hour drive, which that's not, that's not bad. You know, you just break it up, break it up, but, um, I'm timing it where I'm going to be out in the desert as the sun's going down. Um, look at me drinking juice, trying to see a sunset, right? Am I involving as a man or am I, uh, am I going to start going on stage like Duran Duran

wearing a little bit of makeup? That wouldn't be bad. I had a little eyeliner. What would you guys do if I went that direction and all my, all my, I stopped talking about sports. I went that direction and then all of a sudden everybody was saying that I was ripping off Eddie Isard as a left turn, you know, or Brian Adams after, you know, he came out and he was wearing the jean jacket looking like the guy that might have some weed.

And then all of a sudden he decided I can't, you know, he became more poppy. Everything you do, everything I do, I do it for you. That's one of the saddest fucking songs ever. Just completely lost in a relationship. You've completely, you know, you know, his friends, Hey, should we call up Brian? Nah, nah, you know, once ever since he met Julie, you know, Jesus, I never thought it would happen to him. Remember that we used to fucking, you know, we should get fucked up in the barn, right?

Whatever the fuck they did in that video. And then somewhere along the line, he spiked up his hair and put on some eyeliner. Jesus Christ, you know, when he was making that video, he was just saying to his manager like, dude, this is either the beginning or the end. This better fucking work and the manager is probably like, nah, that's a great thing. It's a great fucking thing. And then when it's shit, the bed manager can't be found. Where the hell is he?

All right. Let's talk NFL football. Unfortunately, I didn't really see any this week. I, I was flying back from Chicago when all the early games were on. And then my Patriots were late night and I didn't even get a chance to see that because this is what I did. I came home and I got caught up on the scores just in time. I haven't seen the highlights to see Seattle's big comeback or the Texans big choke, depending

on which side of the ball you're on. I know the Jets lost. All I saw was the first quarter and a half of the Patriots and I'm happy that we were able to get past the Falcons because I feel like that's the first quality team that we've played. But, um, I don't know, I already saw somebody was trying to say that we're the only ones going to legitimately challenge the Broncos and I don't think it's going to be much. I don't know.

You never know when Belichick is involved, what scheme he can come up with and God knows you can frustrate Peyton Manning, but they look fucking amazing. So I wish that the Broncos would just play Seattle already because I want to see, you know, two things. I want to see Seattle on the road against a team that good because Verzi's been telling me they're not good on the road. He almost called it with the Texans. They didn't fucking choke.

I saw the picture on NFL.com. It's hilarious is Sherman, the beast there running the ball back and you get to see, you get to see Pete Carroll. Pete Carroll is in full like, I can't tell if he just finished going or if he's about ready to say it, um, but they, uh, they're looking like fucking world beaters up there. I got, oh, by the way, I'm going to be up in Seattle this week and, uh, that's going to be fucking hilarious because it's, I'm playing this awesome venue. Plus all the morning radio shows up there, I think for the most part they, they played

when I was singing, we are the loudest. So there's a lot of pissed off, um, 12th man people out there. So I don't know. We're going to see, we'll see what the fuck happens. I don't give a shit either way, to be honest with you, um, if something goes down when I'm up there, that's, it's a very easy city to make fun of. So I think I can do more than 12 minutes. Um, but I, I'm hoping it's not going to be, you know what is annoying about all those

morning radio shows is all they did was like now they'll just edit right there. They won't have this part. They left out the whole part where I said, I thought that Seattle was going to go to the Super Bowl and they look like the team to beat. Um, they left out, they left out where I, you know, didn't give Pete Carroll shit for what the fuck he did at USC cause everybody does it by the way, people who are still doing that spy gate shit, bringing up, uh, you know, bringing up Bella check and that type of thing like they always love to do with the Patriots.

I was watching the LSU game. Unfortunately they lost, um, great game, great fucking game, uh, against Georgia. And, uh, by the way, who the fuck did Georgia piss off with their September schedule? Jesus Christ. Clemson, LSU, when there was somebody else highly ranked that they played, I forget who, um, but anyways, in the middle of the game, like both coaches, when they're talking, they're covering their mouths, they're covering their lips as they're talking, like something like they're in casino and the announcers even go, well, they must have got word or something

going on. They say, everybody fucking does it. So fucking, one of those Seattle fans was giving me shit, I was talking because I made fun of their team was sitting there talking about, you know, Bella check being a cheater. It's like, dude, did you see what fucking Pete Carroll did down at USC? What the fuck he was doing? I don't give him grief about it because everybody was doing it, but I mean, come on, right as the guillotine was, right as that was coming down, he fucking slips out of town, left all

those kids high and dry with their scholarships and some no name coach who I think just got fired. Um, how psyched are the Tennessee fans watching the fact that it didn't work out out there? That's another shout out to Knoxville. Jesus, I'm going to go there one day and they're going to give me the key to this city. I wonder what it looks like, you know, am I going to do a redneck joke here? I don't have one. Let's plow ahead here, everybody.

Um, so by the way, so I didn't watch much football because, uh, Verzi kept telling me how, uh, amazing the Lawrence Taylor, uh, documentary was, and, uh, directed by the one and only Pete Radovich, who's the guy who got me on inside the NFL. So congratulations to him because I've heard nothing but rave reviews and I sat down and watched it and it was fucking, it was awesome. It was really awesome. And you know what? I don't know if it was the way it was edited, but there was a lot of shit that the media

was doing to LT when he was, uh, under the influence that was bug. You know, really bothers me is when somebody famous gets arrested and then the cops have to have a press conference. Why do they have to have a press conference? Why do they have to come out there with like 20 microphones and everybody taking pictures and the stupid police chief comes up at approximately, uh, one 28 in the morning. We arrested, uh, Barbara Streisand outside of a, uh, Symphony Hall with what we believe was allegedly some, uh, crack cocaine.

Um, why can't they just arrest them? Why do they, why do they have to have a fucking press conference? Why do they got to go out there and whore themselves out, go into hair and makeup, get some powder put on their face, right? Slick back their cop hair and walk out there, press me, fuck if you're 20 yet, shut the fuck up. You know, and then all the media has to sit there while LT was going through his shit and is sitting there acting like they're shaking their head when they're totally exploiting

the guy for ratings. Now granted, LT put himself out there like that to have it done, but, um, I don't know. And I have to tell you something, uh, in the documentary, there's something that LT's first wife does that is, uh, one of the things that I find most terrifying about, uh, women. And, uh, I don't want to ruin it for you, but she says LT cries at his daughter's wedding and she comments on his crying and then they cut to the funeral and she reaches over and puts her hand on his forearm to comfort him. After what she had just said is one of those fucking things that sends chills down my spine.

But definitely check it out. It's, uh, it's fucking amazing. And, um, if anybody knows just one of the cigars that LT's smoking, he looks like he smokes the greatest cigars of all. They have two bands on them. All right. So to me, in my ignorance, that's like the greatest cigar ever. It's so good it had to have a second band on it.

Um, I don't know. That's what I got. That's all I got out of it. If I ever become a parent, I got to be there for my kids. And secondly, I got to figure out where LT's getting his cigars, but definitely checked out if you get a chance and congratulations once again to Pete Radovich for doing an unbelievable job. That's one of those ones that immediately after I watched it when I hit stop and it said,

if I wanted to erase it or not, I hit save and you know, you have that save indefinitely. That's one of those ones I'm going to keep going back to because it was, uh, it was tremendous. All right. Where are we? Are we going to get into the letters at this point? We at that time 34 minutes in, hey, how come you can't protest without getting tear gas shot at you all around the world? You know, they act like you, you know, we want to hear from our people and you go out

there and you just sitting out there. All you do when you got signs in your chanting and then the cops come down there and they start pushing people around and they throw fucking tear gas. I don't understand. Why, why can't you do that? Why aren't you allowed to protest? Look, I understand if you go down there and you start breaking windows and that type of shit.

Um, but I actually believe, and I know you guys are going to think that I'm paranoid. If I was in power, I would just say, hey, how old did you, son, you sent him out there and have him throw a rock through a window so we can look justified when we get rid of these fucking people out here. Um, I don't, sorry, I'm going back down the fucking rat hole again. Everybody sent me a great rant that this guy went on, on a news program and he was talking about the bankers, uh, cause I can't even watch news right now with our government might shut down in a couple of days, but this guy was basically going off saying all that banker

shit that I was trying to say a few years ago when I started watching those videos and everybody was saying, oh yeah, these are fucking fat guys living in their mother's basements who, uh, they don't have any lives and you're just, you know, you're drinking the Kool-Aid and all this shit. Now look, a lot of that stuff, we never landed on the moon. I'll give you all that shit. Okay. Maybe all of that stuff, nine, 11's an inside job.

I'm not talking about any of that fucking crap, but that banker shit, I'm telling you that banker shit is dead on, dead fucking on. It's not the left. It's not the right. It's those cunts right in the middle with money on both sides of the ball. It's those guys. And I have to tell you dude, the fact that the president only makes 400 grand a year and that just the way they frame it, like, oh, he's a public servant and it's the biggest

crock of shit out there. The only person who would take that job, you'd have to be the biggest fucking yes man on the planet just to get there. Who the fuck would run for a job where it cost a hundred million to get it so you can make 400 grand a year? That isn't a red flag to anybody. Then you get to go around giving speeches, a million dollars a whack like that. Isn't he a kickback for fucking pushing through whatever they wanted?

I just think it's so beyond corrupt. And I used to think shit like, I can't believe we're letting these pencil pushing, banking pussies pushes around, but it's not them. It's the fact that people will do anything for money. So when you have that kind of money, you can hire psychos and, you know, I don't know, you get that Lincoln Town car ride, the convertible in Dallas. All right, I spoke about it vaguely, but you know what I'm saying. All right, let's move on.

Okay, now I mentioned that I was going to go to Naples and I don't think, I might as well have said that I was going to go to Atlantic City, all right, or downtown Detroit. Naples is shit and all over Naples. All right, here's one that sums it up. Everyone says Naples is the worst words used to describe Naples shit, trash, whole smell like smells like wet rats. Great if you're into visiting the worst part of any place. If you do go to Naples, only use it as a jumping off point to Capri and Pompeii.

Yeah, I mean, that's what everybody has been telling me. Everybody's saying, look, if you go to Italy. For the first time, go to Rome. All right, you're going there in December. So we won't be a big time touristy thing, but there will be tourists use that as a jump off point. Go to Florence. I mean, I heard Venice.

I mean, the fucking place is underwater. I heard that, you know, I heard that that was kind of smelly. I don't know, but you know what, you guys, you talked me out of Naples. You talked me out of it. Now watch, and here comes the other side. No, this is fucking assholes. Whatever. I'm going to Italy.

How could it possibly suck? Smash cut. All right. Refugee. Here we go. Refugee. Oh, the lovely Nia. Everybody.

Nia, do you know I spilt my juice all over the fucking place? The green juice to clear, get off the bed. Look at her nose. Her fucking dog tried to get out of the goddamn cage again because the wind was blowing. Bumped up, scratched up her frigging nose. Pit bulls. I swear to God. They get their mind on doing something.

They're just going to do it. Right? They're brutal. I didn't know you were coming down. Go plug in another microphone. Let's do the, let's do the thing here. All right. All right.

Do you have the ability to, do you have the ability to listen while, while I, why you plugged that thing in? All right. All women think that they can multitask. It's the funniest fucking thing ever. You can't. What do you mean? You can't Nia.

Yes I can. Well, look, everybody can do two things at once. You can't. What the fuck are you talking about? I can play drums. I can do four things at once. What are you doing? That's the wrong one.

Okay. We'll go just continue on. Huh? Continue. Listen, scientific studies have shown that people, studies have shown one of my favorite quotes of all time. I actually saw this on TV that, that basically if you do two things at once, they both suffer. Because you don't have a hundred percent focus.

You know what I mean? Does that make sense to you? Yes it does. Okay. Am I on? Yeah, you are on. All right. Here we go.

All right. Hey Bill. This is a refugee. Hey Bill. Hey Bill. I got to know you when I was a refugee in Turkey. I escaped from prison. What?

Yeah. I don't know. I listen. Everybody, everybody's got the internet man. You're the number one podcast for a refugees. Refugees in Turkey. Yeah. This sounds like the beginning of a movie.

I don't know if I'm going to believe this. Let's, let's, let's see if this is true. I got to know you when I was a refugee in Turkey. I escaped from a prison sentence for my political activities in the university in Iran. Jesus Christ dude. Somebody's got to get this guy in touch with Ben Affleck. This sounds like a movie. And he can play him.

Yeah. No shade. No shade. No shade. Ben. No shade. Hi. I'm Tony Mendez.

That was fucking hilarious. Then when you saw the real Tony Mendez and he looked like Freddie Fender, that was one of the funniest, I mean, I liked, I liked Argo. Argo was great. But the end of that movie, no shade Ben Affleck, but the whole movie is going up Tony Mendez. Are you? If anything would give that guy away would be his last fucking name. Listen man, you need to go get more of a tan or grow a fucking mustache.

We both looked at each other when he said that word, like what? No, I was actually sitting there in the movie going, wait a minute, is that Italian? Maybe he's, Mendez, Mendez, hey, no, I'm like, no, I go, hey, before that makes it Italian. Oh, and then the end when they, everybody looked like the person, but then when they showed Ben Affleck and then they cut the Tony Mendez. It was this fucking guy. It was really far away. It was profile and it was completely shadow.

Oh yeah. Everybody else was a close up. His full body shot with another white guy in there that he was shaking hands with that you're like, oh, maybe Ben's playing the white guy. Oh my God. He's Tony Mendez. We're right there. It just shows you what an incredible actor he is.

He played Tony Mendez. All right. Hi Bill. I was a refugee when I was in Turkey. I worked from a prison sentence for my political activities in the university and I ran. Since I was a kid, I always loved comedy. Isn't this fucking great? This is why I love, I love this shit.

Look at this. This is, this is, this is Billy Redface coming out, I ran. There were only two funny magazines and I ran and I had all their issues since the beginning. Yeah. This is how lucky we are. Well, okay. Yeah. They had Mad Magazine.

I ran. And national ampoules don't make fun of the Ayatollah vacation. I didn't know stand up comedy existed until I was 25 on real. Being funny wasn't a good thing. In Turkey, I had 30 months. I guess he had a sentence and I watched everything from prior and Cosby and Carlin to Hicks to Chappelle. He was in prison and was able to get to the internet to watch all these like videos.

I don't, yeah, I guess, people make hand gliders in prison out of dental floss and bedsheets. They can't get the fucking internet. What's prison? So no, you can't get the internet. Listen, which I was actually watching in Iran and I saw you there the first time as well as a detective. She puts her tits in my hand. God, that was funny.

Louis CK, Patrice, Sam Kinnison and you and everything in between. I have listened to you guys. This is fucking great. This is true. I had listened to you guys just talking about comedians on radios or podcasts and I looked them up. I saw every episode of Tough Crowd out of all the comedians I've seen, you're in my top five.

Ah, look at this. You prior Cosby, Louis CK, he's partial to gingers and Dave Chappelle. That's what he likes. He likes black guys and gingers. I like this guy. Me too. I started Jesus. We'll try to keep it on this side of the road.

Okay. I started writing in Turkey. My friend told me, my friend told me too, I did and it was well received. I started writing in English and I'm building courage to perform. This is fucking great. Uh, I just want to tell you how much I appreciate those nights when I was sitting alone in Turkey and I didn't speak its language and I would watch one of your standups and forget everything and laugh and laugh.

I found out today that, that you are in Toronto. I've been here four months now. I'll try to find tickets. How did I miss this email if the show hasn't finished yet? I will see you live. Sir, I promise. Thanks again, Bill and say hi to you, Nia. That's great.

Well, I'm going to tour. Yeah, I'm going to tour Canada in March. I'll come through all of these. What if this is all just a big scam to get him to somehow, I don't know, throw a pie in my face and do something to me, come up with that water that squirts in your face. Where in Canada are you going in March? Whereabouts? Um, I don't know.

I'm going to go to all the hockey cities and I'll maybe I'll add a couple of others. Are you going to be in Montreal? Yeah. Why don't you just get down to it where you want to go because you think you, exactly and you think I don't know what you're doing. That's why you see what just happened there. This is like two fighters that know each other at this point. I know what you do and you know what I do.

The second you said, the second you said, why are you going to Canada? I'm like, well, I didn't say why I said, where are you going in Canada? Where are you going to Canada? I knew you like to misinterpret everything as some sort of like, see what she's doing right now. She's filibustering. I'm not filibustering. I'm always looking for the, you know, the old kick in the balls and that's not what

this is. I was asking where you're going in Canada. If you're going to Montreal, why are you smiling at me? I would want to go to that, but I was going to get to it. You're done. Yes. See, you just let her, I'll lay in on the ropes. All right.

So the second you said, when are you going to Canada? I knew where, you know, where are you going in Canada? I knew I'm like, she loves Montreal. She wants to go. So what I did to slip that punch is I said, I'm going to all the hockey cities because I know you don't watch sports. So then you got to be, so then you had to show your hand. I called you bluffing and you're like, yeah, how you go to Montreal.

But why even do that? If you know that, then just say, Oh, I'm, I am going to Montreal or I am not. You're doing this. I don't know. Cause it, cause it, cause it's, but what am I, yeah, I'm going there to work. I'm packing my hard hat and my mic stand. Okay. Yeah, you don't think it's work, do you?

Of course I think it's work. You don't respect me. You don't respect what I do. Just say it. Jesus. No, Jesus. Oh, you know what? Somebody sent a great fucking video this week of some goddamn movie.

Well, this guy, he just said, this is some scene. He just says, Oh, Jesus, like 15 times in a row. I got to show you this where it is, where it is, where it is, what it is, motherfucker. All right. Here it is. Listen to this guy. Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus.

Jesus. Jesus. Oh fucking Jesus. Where is that from? It says Dylan Moran. Okay. I got to tell you, yeah, and my agent's going to get an ear load of shit that I didn't read for that part.

I would have killed that. Oh Jesus. Thank you. Next. Oh Jesus. That's great. That's great, Bill. Next.

Oh fucking Jesus. He was good, but he was doing something weird with his voice. All right. DUI. Oh wait, I got to read the other, the advertisers here. All right. Bear with me here. Bear with me.

Bear with me. Okay. E voice. All right, everybody. If you're an entrepreneur and a customer calls, do you want to seem like you're in a high rise window view fancy pants office, or do you want them to know that you're just sitting there in your underwear with E voice? You can create the appearance of an entire building, sales, customer sport, tech support,

you name it. They'll think you got it. Give your customers the royal treatment with E voice. E voice will forward your business calls to your home, mobile, or any number you choose whenever, wherever you are, E voice will find you. I know I always, my brain goes too far ahead in the sentence because you can't do two things at once. Which is what?

Reading and doing it out loud. Yep. No, I can't, I can't do two things at once. I can't multitask. Everything suffers. And neither can you. Yes, I can. Are you done?

Like what? No, I'm not. Oh, all right. We'll get back to it. We'll stop heckling me. Don't have time to take a call. It's routed to your voicemail and you can read it at your convenience as an email. E voice not only gives you the edge over your competitors, it takes the edge away from

the big companies, what they have over you right now. That's the biggest point right there. Okay. You get to act like a big shot. And now you can try E voice for free for 30 days. Go to evoice.com or just go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the E voice banner. All right.

Last, but certainly not least legal zoom. You know, a lot of pride comes along with starting your dream business. But think about the stress you feel if you don't take the right steps to legally protect your business and personal assets from the beginning. Why? Because people are so happy. So you know what? That's why I recommend legal zoom.com.

During the past 12 years, over a million business owners have trusted legal zoom to help start their own businesses. Legal zoom will save you a lot of time and a pile of money on startup costs. Plus they'll provide solutions to help you run a successful business. Legal zoom can provide self-help services at your specific directions or correct you or connect you with an attorney, but they are not a law firm. Just go to legal zoom.com today to see what's right for you form an LLC, get a DBA, incorporate or form a nonprofit, all starting at just $99 plus you'll save even more when you enter

burr in the referral box at checkout. That's legal zoom.com promo code burr. One more time. Legal zoom.com promo code burr. All right. That wasn't bad. I only screwed it up once. I know.

I'm the worst. All right. DUI. Hey, Bill. Hey, Billy. I want to start up the same way. I love stand up. All right.

Old guy from Houston. And on September 22nd, I was arrested for the first time for a DWI. It's funny. He has DUI driving under influence, driving while intoxicated in the thing. All right. Is it the same thing? It is. It's just, it's called the DUI dude.

Dude, you got a fucking DUI. I took my eyes off the road and rear ended two vehicles at a stoplight. Oops. Jesus. He split the difference. Two vehicles? He smashed into the other or they were both side by side. Maybe he was so drunk.

He thought he could fit between the two of them. He said, no one was seriously injured, but the wreck brought an ambulance and several squad cars to the scene. They arrested me and I blew so needless to say I'm in a pickle. The lawyer I have, however, is good friends with the judge in the court. He asked for the state's evidence against me and there's a chance we can beat it. In the meantime, the court has me blowing into a breath alcohol device deal type of thing with cameras to ensure I'm not drinking and also a piss test every court date.

This is fine with me because jail sucked, court sucks and cops and the government workers are extremely rude. Fuck you. You're the one who was driving drunk. You killed somebody and they're rude to you. Let's see what he says. Because of all of this and being out on bond, I'm having to keep my nose extra clean, have to lay really low and just exist.

It's a bummer and also hard not to think about drinking. Also, I got to move out of my folks house by November 1st. They're not kicking me out or anything. They're being very supportive. It's just a date I set for myself before any of this happened. The fees and the lawyers are going to give me some financial woes and it will be tough. Any advice you can give me will be much appreciated. Thanks, Bill.

Well, I mean, you should be happy you didn't fucking kill somebody and if you weren't driving under the influence, you wouldn't have to run through all these rude government workers. What is the advice that you're looking for here? You want somehow like hang in there, buddy? Yeah. You want to move out of your goddamn parent's house, you loser. Sorry, I got no sympathy. All right, Nia.

None. The camera down. There's some rude. Jail sucks. Oh, does it? All right, well, it's hard for me to come down on this guy because all the shit I've done and I've also, you know, fucking, you know, I got arrested for that shit a long time ago.

I just, you know what I did? I took my medicine and you know what? I remember when I went in and I was finally getting my license back, the state trooper went to hand it to me and right as I went to gravity, pulled it back really quick. He goes, wait a minute. 90 days or 45, I only got 45. That's how long ago it was. And I was like, who's 45?

And then he handed it back to me. He gave me that last little heart attack thing. And I was thinking when I was younger, he was a dick. He was actually doing me a favor. Let me know. Like, you know, this is how simple it is. And it was, it was an absolute nightmare. Even at that, just having my toe dipped into the legal system.

Did they put you in a like a holding cell or whatever? Yeah. You got arrested? How long were you in there for? I don't remember. I was just psyched. I could lay down. Were there other people in there?

No. Oh, okay. No, no, no. I was fortunate got arrested in a small town, but I mean, if I buy, uh, if you got arrested like in Boston, Boston, yeah, I would have gone, I, they probably would have put me in county and that would have sucked. That would have sucked. Cause then you're in there with everybody that's getting a reign for everything from

eating somebody's head to, uh, me drinking and driving. And you think if I look like Ron Howard now, I look like Ron Howard, the director now, but back then I looked like Ron Howard living at home with Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham. So that would have been, uh, you were rich, you were opi when you were little, then you were rich. And I was rich. And now you're Ron Howard, Oscar winning director. Yeah.

That's a cruel joke. Speaking of which, we gotta see Sandy's movie, Sandy, Sandra Bullock. Yeah. Okay. Sandy. Sandy. No, that one looks good. And so does the, uh, the Ron Howard one.

Um, what was I going to say? Uh, yeah. So dude, you know what? You did it. And, um, look, uh, it was actually a great thing when I got, when I got arrested and I had to go through drunk school and all that and the mother's against drunk drinking and driving and all this information and all the stuff that they show you. And I had to do community service.

They did it at this hospital and I was wheeling all these people down to physical therapy and, uh, some were born that way. Ron got hit by a drunk driver. So I mean, it definitely, uh, it hit home and I was a knucklehead like this guy kind of feeling sorry for myself rather than, uh, thinking about what could have happened and how dude, this is, this is my thing. You got off easy. You really got off easy and, uh, having to stay sober is actually a great fucking thing.

It's a great thing. And, um, to kind of, you know, take your foot off the gas pedal there and kind of regroup as far as like when you can move out, it all depends on what this whole thing's going to cost you. But, uh, this all happened because of your actions and you are guilty and you blew in the thing and you were drunk. So you got to take your fucking medicine. What are you going to do?

So I would, I would just take it on the chin, be a fucking man. And if that makes you, you have to move out December 1st or January 1st, then that's what you have to do. And, uh, it's a great way to, because it seems to me like you like to party quite a bit that you're staying sober for a few days. If it's bugging you like that, that you kind of tell you something kind of like me with the cigars now, right? You know, right?

All of a sudden want one every night. What did he say about having some in judge lawyer? What did he say? Yeah. That he could possibly get out of it and he could fight it and get out of it. So he's got all these people sort of cushioning him along the way, like, oh, my parents aren't kicking me out. They're being very supportive.

And then he's got this person that could possibly get him out because they haven't been in with the judge. So everybody's being nice to you, which is why you then look at the government going, these guys are being rude to me. He's a kid. All right. He's a spoiled brat is what he is. Hey, well, look, nobody, nobody can hear your point when you come at somebody like

that. I ain't gonna fucking send you your fucking piece of shit. Like no one here. That's, that's how that's political debate in this country right now. Oh, I'm sorry. Should I be wrapping my arms around him like everybody else in his life and telling him that I wrap my arms around him? Don't worry.

It's okay. We'll figure it out. You don't have to move out just yet. I'm gonna get in with this judge. All right. That's a decent point. But was I wrapping my arms around him? Yeah, but you're coming at me saying nobody hears you when you come at, you know, like

that, like I'm somehow, yes, later on the podcast, you know, if you're back up and you're not all defensive, maybe you can hear what it is that I'm trying to say to you. Wow. Yeah. Really? That's called maturity. All right. Screw you.

Oh, I won that one. You did. You won nothing. It was just a battle. It wasn't a war. It wasn't a war. You're looking extra cute today, by the way. Don't even try it.

I'm not. I'm just saying. Get a nice smile. All right. Oh, you guys are, you guys are, this is my A game, by the way, uh, advice for an atheist in love with Christian fundamentalists as an atheist, dating a Christian fundamentalist. Jesus Christ. You thought opposites attract over here, Nini, uh, complete with a purity ring and anal retentive

folks. How funny is it to have purity ring and anal that quickly? I cannot say it initially, I cannot say it initially seemed promising, even con, even considered living, uh, leaving the worst of the worst, I know, but you know what this does? This gives this gives my listeners hope. I really hope everybody listens who just thinks that this fucking moron can play the Chicago theater.

I can't fucking do it too. Um, as I throw each one of you a kiss, that was funny when I was trying to sing you that song and I said, as I blow each one of you, I was gonna say blow each one of you a kiss and he pauses as I blow each one of you and you looked at me like, what the fuck are you singing? This is my kind of email. All right. Um, but this, this girl is really, she's really something else.

Um, you know, yeah, this is probably the sexist in me that I initially thought that it was a guy with the purity ring and I, as a Christian fundamentalist with the purity ring as a guy, for some reason, I think that that's creepier than a woman. Actually, if she has a purity ring, like I think that that's not as creepy. She has, because as a guy, you know, when you fall in love with a woman, you want one that's been just on the least and that's really what it comes down to. I don't want somebody else's fuck sweat on her chest cavity. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'm just not, yeah, we're very visual animals. Um, there goes the A game right out the fucking window. All right. But this girl is really something else short of sex. She pushes boundaries.

She demands that she pay for half of our dates, works her ass off to in a year of knowing her. She has never freaked out and the crazy thing, um, I can basically go MIA for two weeks and it's like nothing happened. Everything just continues because she's banging somebody else. I am actually thinking longterm at this point, not marriage. I am 21. God damn it.

And I wonder if this is, if it's, if this is worth dealing with the drawbacks of religious pressure, pressures and no sex. For me, the latter is a pain because I actually cannot masturbate. Just doesn't do it for me, which was, so what are you doing during those two weeks when you disappear? You're going to fucking, he's going to fuck town there. I cannot promise I will take your advice, but I will give it some weight. Well, then go fuck yourself.

The fuck I'm going to sit there wasting my time. Can we read the next question? Yeah. Moving on. Um, from a lady, um, dear Billy fuck face, uh, that's funny. One time listener and fan and incidentally a woman. So go figure that shit out. Anyways, I could use some advice.

I'm getting married this November. Yes. I signed up to give away half of my shit and this is, well, only if you're making more than he is. Um, other than that, you signed up for a nice living room set, maybe a four bedroom colonial. My husband's such a jerk. Oh my God, are the sprinklers going off again? And this is bringing up a lot of family drama.

My paternal grandmother hates my mother. My grandmother never felt like my mother was good enough for my father. Oh Jesus. And my mother, oh, as my mother and I am very close, my grandmother has hated me since birth and has always told me how ugly and stupid I am. What? Is this precious? Um, needless to say.

I do not speak with her and haven't done so in years after she made some racist comments regarding my future husband as he is Mexican. The problem comes in when my dad insists that she comes to the wedding. I have no problem telling my dad to go fuck off. I do not trust him and we do not get along. This screams a lope. She should be asking me these questions. My mother and I, my mother and I are very close and he is using that against me, um,

saying if I don't invite his mother, he will make my mother suffer. So do I invite this cunt grandmother to potentially be a racist bigot at my wedding or I tell my dad to fuck off, but hurt my mom in the long run. Um, I would just a lope. And I would have a party in your backyard. Yep. That's what I would do. Just go and do it and then come back and be like, yeah, we got married and now we're

in the party. Because I think there's so much resentment and anger in that family and so much lashing out that I think that they need a clean start. They need a clean slate. Just go out and tell the person that you're going to be with. But what about his side of the family? If they love her and then they want to be there. I know, but it's like, it's bigger than that though.

You know, right? So it's got to be the two of them and then afterwards they have a big party. Yeah. And that's the thing. I mean, you know, who's going to be there Tony Mendez, Ben Affleck is Tony Mendez, City Hall or whatever and just do it that way. And then you have a big party later on or something like that. But, um, I mean, even if they have a party, there's still maybe is going to be these issues.

Did she say that her dad is married to her mom or they're divorced? It sounds like they're divorced. He's going to make life a living hell for the mom. How would he do that? Exactly. Oh, maybe. Yeah, maybe. Yeah.

I mean, who does that to somebody they love? Your dad is. I'm sorry about that. That really. Ah, you know, you know, it's, it's human beings. I don't understand how you, hey, say lovey. I mean, isn't the point of your stupid podcast to have an opinion about every goddamn little thing and you just want to wave your hand in the air and be like, that's human beings.

That's life. Who are you? Where'd you go? Because you know why I'm fucking driving. I'm texting while driving to go down to get the juice today. Yeah. Fucking five minutes later, I got the juice. I'm driving some fucking asshole in front of me.

He's going slow, speeding up, going slow, speeding up. I go, I bet this fucking asshole is texting and then I look at him and I'm like, it's fucking idiots texting, blah, blah. And I was just doing it. Yeah. So you're a hypocrite. Yeah. Right.

But it doesn't mean you can't have an opinion. But am I unique? And why am I am I am I unique because I'm weak. You're not weak. You just, you know, you're not weak. You just have no patience and you can't wait till you're stopped somewhere to do what you got to do. Jesus Christ.

Didn't I just say how good you looked like you're coming at me like this? You know what? No, I don't understand what this is. You love me and you're worried I'm going to get hurt. So that's coming out this way right now. Okay. I promise I will try and stop texting. I'll try and stop yelling.

I'll try and stop being a piece of shit. I'll try to stop fucking. I want to these days, Nia. I'm going to be that guy. I'll be that fucking guy. I don't want you to be anybody but yourself, but well then, you know what, and you know what? Yeah.

The thing is, is you think that like if I scrape away all this shit, what do you think is underneath this? The guy who drinks the Dulceckis with the cougar in his kitchen? That's not who it's going to be. I'm going to go back. I'm going to go the most interesting man in the world. I'm just going to end up being a fucking eight year old Billy. Oh boy.

You want to go to the movies tonight? I like that. I like that Billy. Now you don't. Yeah, I do. What do you mean? What's the deal when I am actually this, when I am the rare times when I am in a chilled out mood and I am going with the flow and whatever you want to do, I'm like, yeah, let's do it

and I don't question it or anything. You get a concerned look on your face and you like, are you okay? Are you okay? And then I say what I'm, I'm, I'm being the guy you want me to be right now. That's how rare it is for you to be that person that has nothing to do with me. I understand that part, but then you also said to me one time, like, well, I don't want you to, then you get like concerned. I don't want you to be somebody you're not.

So when there's, so when you see chilled out me, it like, you almost talk me out of it. And I get it because to see chilled out me is such a fucking shock to you that you want to make, you want to go fucking, you know, put your hand on my forehead to make sure I don't have a fever. Right. That doesn't mean that I don't appreciate it, but yeah, initially that right there is why men and women will never get along.

All right. Here's the wrap up. Well, right there, Nia, it's just like, are you okay? You're making it feel like I'm fucking weird cause I'm chilled out and then, and then you go all, then you fucking turn it all the way to the other side doesn't mean I don't appreciate it. Is everything okay? But I like it.

What's wrong with you? You're all over the double line. Pick a fucking lane. You pick a lane. How about that? We're going to be in this situation. The lovely Nia, everybody. Oh, you just got dismissed.

You did. We're going to be right back. Um, all right, the wrap up, I need a DJ for this part, the, the wrap up, uh, now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet, support this podcast, get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click the Hulu Plus banner should be or click the Hulu Plus banner or don't is and click the Hulu Plus banner.

Fuck. I was right there or go to Hulu Plus dot com slash bill. That's Hulu Plus dot com slash bill. You know what to do. Um, Hey, and, uh, definitely check out that YouTube video. You got to see the, oh Jesus, one whoever sent that one. And that was such a great find. Hey, yeah, who did the Patriots have next week?

Who are we playing that team from, um, up there, they won a few times, just, just pick a name, lost a few times to pick, pick, pick the name of the team. You know, the, uh, the, the bears there, the bears. That's not bad. I don't know. We're not, we're not playing that division. Let me let's see. I'm on a schedule in stats schedule, season schedule.

Bang. What do we got here? Oh, next week we're playing the Bengals who I heard are underachieving. That's what I read on the thing. All right. Well, we shall see. Uh-huh. Bengal tigers, which are native to India, which is in Asia, which is part of Asia,

which is part of the world, which is a tiny dot in. The universe. There you go. Yeah, but you kept going. You had it. You're like India, Asia, the world, the universe. Yay. All right.

This is who the Patriots have come up. These are our next three games, the Bengals, which I think that's a dangerous game. All right. They're a wounded animal, those Bengals, Neenie. They're backed into a corner. The Saints is going to be a rough one. And the Jets, that's at the Jets. It's, I know that they're supposed to stink this week, this week, this year, they're

supposed to stink, but we already beat them and it's a division rivalry and they always play as tough. We had a, was it 13 to 10? It says right here, 23, 21 when we played the Bills, those division rivalry games. I like taking the under. Um, so anyways, I don't even know what the Monday night game is this week, but I'm going to try to get caught up on the football and, uh, I'm telling you, the Broncos and Seahawks, Neenie, I think they're on a collision course.

What do you say? Sure. Absolutely. Huh? So if you, if a, if a, if a Bronco collide in a sea, in a Seahawk, whatever the fuck that is, I think that it's a, it's a seagull on, uh, Royds. Yeah. But when you look up Seahawk, you can't find it other than the team.

I just remember being like an eighth or seventh grade and, um, the boys were wearing those starter jackets and I remember the Seattle Seahawks and it was like a bird face. Isn't that their logo logo? Oh, there it is. Is that what the fuck it looks like? You know what? Cause they, they spell it one word.

But if you just write Seahawk and then you just have the image, dude, is there anything like more evil looking than a bird of prey? They never look like they're in a good mood, like poisonous snakes. They always have like their, their non-existent eyebrows are always down. Okay. There we go. See that? There's a, that hint of anger.

Yeah, that's what it looked like on the start. You know what? If you were a bird, that's the kind of bird you would be attracted to. Me? I gotta stop dating these birds of prey. They're such atholes. You know what's funny? Cause I was thinking when you were describing like, or you'd like a vulture, I was like,

you're like, I was thinking that that was you. No, you'd like a vulture with their red heads. You get me. No, that's what I mean. Picking out a carcass. Look, I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't fishing for a compliment here. I was just saying, no, no, these are the guys you dated before you got to me. I'm not a bird of prey and I'm not a bird of prey.

And I know how to make a pie. Yes, you do. Yes, I do. You know what I'm like? Yes. I'm a, uh, I'm a, I'm a blue jay. No, that isn't it. I'm a dove, all pasty white.

No, you're a woodpecker just constantly. All right. Go fuck yourself. That's actually the best. That's probably the best one. All right. So you got the last one in, there you go. All right.

This week I'm going to be in El Paso. This whole run I'm going to be with, uh, Rose Bowl King, Rose Bowl, tailgate legend, Joe Bartnick. We're going to be in El Paso on Wednesday. Then we're going to San Jose on Thursday. And then I'm going to fucking Seattle. Um, we'll see how loud they are in Seattle. And then I'm going on Friday and then I go to, uh, Phoenix in, uh,

on Saturday and that's it. And that's, that's, that's, that's, that's fucking it. That's where I'm going to be. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you so much for listening. Thanks for all the great emails and the YouTube videos and all the people around the world who've been listening.

Uh, I really appreciate it. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. In the in the living, they're really all over the empty batteries. But now we're going to the finish.

Bring them to a BeBat in summary point. You'll always find one in your neighborhood on BeBat.be. Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM.