Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-30-19

Episode Date: September 30, 2019

Bill rambles about football, cancel culture karma, and gives a standing ovation.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 30th, 2019. What's going on? How are you? How are you doing? All right, I'm knocking this fucker out. It's football Sunday. I got the fucking Cowboys Saints. We're in the third quarter right now, 8.51 to go. If you want to sync it up, if you recorded the game, Zack, press guy, oh, and if you didn't fucking try, I supposed to cover him. It's trying to act like I know anybody in the NFL anymore. I thought he was Cowboys there. We highlighted him. And as you can see, he runs down the field. It's a white guy, white on white. Now, God damn it. That was a black guy who would have caught up to

the ball. You got to tell you, even a white guy could beat another white guy down the fucking field. Anyway, I've been watching football pretty much all goddamn day when I haven't been studying, if I can, 51 years old studying. I watched the Patriots versus the Bills. Yes, I did. Oh, Jesus Patriots, winning ugly, winning ugly hats off to our defense. They were on the field for the whole goddamn game. It felt like I got to tell you those Buffalo Bills. They are their record. They're fucking good. Their quarterback just needs a little more experience. Me throw his second pick was really stupid. I mean, even I saw that fucking linebacker fall down. That guy was open right in the flat and he still he went for the whole fucking thing,

didn't he? But anyway, what are you going to do? It was it was not a pretty win. But I saw part of me wanted the Patriots to lose just so I could fucking talk to Verzi where he sits there and tells me that fucking I'm like, dude, they've they've played against three teams that are all in threes like doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if they lost this week. I saw I was going to call them the mush. Remember that from a Bronx tale? Everything was going great. And then all of a sudden Verzi comes walking down holding up his fucking ticket. What was the name of the horse in that? That movie? I can't remember. I remember what it was in Pope of Greenwich Village. Sorry, Hope Charlie. So anyway, I watched that and I thought I fucking tape the goddamn Chiefs Lions,

but I think direct TVs fucking me over because I called them up. It used to be if you had NFL Sunday ticket, it automatically renewed, right? Which is also kind of shady, but I appreciated it because I still wanted to watch. Now it doesn't because somebody probably bitched about it. Like, I only watched it that one year because I thought I was getting a ring. To automatically renew it took me back to an emotional place like we were still together, right? So now they got to make sure you fucking order. So I got to order this shit, right? I don't know how to do it online. I'm not fucking doing that. There's something about like, because I'm old, right? Going on my laptop to do something. I feel like a cashier with the with the fucking

buttons and I just wait for a drawer to pop out. I should have a little pencil behind my ear. All right, I'm not fucking doing I'm calling up your business and you're picking up the phone, which they didn't do. They didn't do. Why does every quarterback lift his goddamn leg up like that? I don't understand that. Huh? Is it jockstrap fucking wrapped around the nuts? Does it make any sense to you? Is that an audible? Can the fucking line here? I'm stomping his foot. Anyway, uh, the fuck was I just why I can't watch with I can't talk with the fucking TV on. So I called up direct TV to order NFL Sunday ticket. They're like, you know, I called them at like fucking a quarter to 10, which is a quarter one East coast touch.

How about them cowboys? All right, now it's a game. Now it's a goddamn game. Nine to nine. That's what I like. A nice fucking baseball score. Look at that guy right there. The fuck is he talking about? They called it a touchdown. The atroic men haircut. I don't understand these fucking people where they, they, they fucking, they got the goddamn, you're wearing a jersey in another person's stadium behaving like that. And then all of a sudden something goes down and you're like, I don't know what happened. I just came in a chamber. You're in the wrong house. Okay.

Can you imagine if you went into some liberals house on the night Hillary lost? Do you think you'd get out of there alive or vice versa? Well, I guess Trump won. So they, they would just be rubbing it in your face, but you know, whoever the hell Obama beat, who did he beat? Walter Mondale, John Anderson. I can't remember. May you go. There you go. Look at that. An extra point. Patriots fan. You get a little jealous of that. Oh Jesus. Am I really, I'm not turning my back on my kicker. I'm not doing that. I think he's fine. It's had a couple of little, little, little fucking blips there. What? And God's name is going on here. A bunch of guys

dancing around. So anyway, I go to order fucking Sunday, NFL Sunday ticket. And I like this guy's watching right now. And I fucking, I call them up. They're like, we are experiencing a higher than usual phone call volume. So I fucking, oh, I remember I gave the phone to Nia. So now she's pissed because that's, you know, it's like me making her fucking, her making me wait on hold to order the fucking real housewife Sunday ticket. So they don't pick up. So I say, fuck it. I go home and I turn on the TV and it says it right there. It says 69 99. So I fucking click on it. I go, there you go. Look at that. Oh, and they drop the price of it.

Fantastic. So again, this week, right? I fucking, I go to click on it again. And I got a, I got a 69 99 again. And I'm like, what the fuck? I thought this already went through. Must be some sort of a glitch. The hatch just boom. Right. And I click on that. And then I also clicked to tape the chiefs game against the lion's there. See how Matt Patricia is going to do against fucking Andy Reed. So whatever, it tapes the Patriots game and then it doesn't tape the fucking, the fucking chiefs game, which means I'm already fucking 140 dollars in. I don't even have a goddamn Sunday ticket. Why am I yelling? Cause I'm upset. All right.

Now here's what I could do. I could call those guys up and be like, oh, you flim flam and so and so I can't believe how I was hoodwinked. You didn't pick up your phone and then I went to order it and you know, but by the end of the day, I didn't read the fine print. It's a hundred percent my fault. If I just took the time to fucking, I don't know what it is about computer. You know, I know what it is. I have absolutely no interest in them. I have zero. You know, like when you're in a relationship, but you know, it's over, you know, but you don't know how to break up with the person. Then you start fantasizing that they, fantasizing that they like die in a car wreck, you know, you don't want it to happen. Then you start thinking like, wow, did I just

have that thought? I need to break up with this person. I think people that kill the person that they're with never have that next thought. They just think like, oh, well they didn't die in the accident. I guess I have to go kill them. Whereas normal people will say, uh, okay, that means I need to, uh, can you imagine if you said that? I don't understand. Where is this coming from? You're not happy? Yeah, no, I'm not happy. Like scale one to 10. How like, how not happy are you? I fantasized that you died in a car crash on the way home today, so I didn't have to break up with you. I don't even know what to say to that. That's a rough way of doing it, but I'll tell you, you're definitely out of the relationship after

that one. Don't do that. There's no reason to be extra mean in life. There's enough mean that's out there. All right. Although that would be fucking, that would be one to tell your friends. How did you do it? You really want to know? Well, I told her the car crash dream. Oh Jesus. The saints, they're wearing their little throwbacks here, aren't they? That's, that's the, that's the one they have when that guy with half a foot hit a fucking, I'm so glad that guy with half Tom Dempsey, half a foot went out there and kicked that 63 yarder before social media. I just can't imagine how many groups of people, while they were championing it, saying how brave it is for him to go out there with one and a half feet, you know, where your job is to kick,

right? And you got to kick with the half a foot. You know, I believe the lions complained and said that his, his half a foot boot was fucking, you know, made out of a different material. They couldn't even give it to him back then. Can you imagine how much shit the fucking lions that was before social media? So no one could hear anybody whining at the TV, like, I have half a foot. That affects me, right? They were just like, he hit that fucking thing. What an half feet comes out there with half his foot, with this fucking shoe that I swear to God, it looked like I made it. And he goes out there straight on, none of this soccer style, falling down halfway through, trying to get a rough in the kicker fucking penalty, like you play in the fucking Premier League.

This guy just like a fucking cop kicking in the door of a goddamn crack house, just fucking straight on kick this fucking thing, 63 yards for a, for the fucking game winner. And what did the lions do? Hey, he's got one of those half a foot shoes. It's not fair. They threw the challenge flag before it even existed. They fucking complained. Oh, can you imagine what they fucked back then, when there was no political correctness? What a new fucking asshole. You let a guy with one and a half feet fucking kick a 63 yard field going to pay this unnational television. Tell you right now, we're doing two days for the rest of the week. You goddamn Marys, you're going to have one and a half assholes by the time I threw with you.

So anyway, this is the uniforms, but they were hapless back then. You know, weren't they the first team to hire a handicap player? They must, were they? That's an interesting thing, right? And then you got the guy who was on the Giants, who got two patriotic on 4th of July, lost a couple of fingers, Giants kept them. I think he's with Tampa Bay today, who won like fucking 54 to, I don't know, what, 40? Something like that. That's like an old Dolphins Charger score from back in the early 80s. Anyway, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore. The fucking New England Patriots, man, pulling out that goddamn victory.

How about Frank Gore? Jesus Christ. I'm telling you, you're not going to see another guy run for 15,000 yards for a long, long goddamn time. Just the game that the, the, the carries are not there anymore. That guy was running wild on us. You know, I love when he had that 60-yard run in one of our guys, was it 27 or something like that? Just sort of gave him like a shoulder bump, like he was going to celebrate the tele, the touchdown he's about ready to run for. But whatever, I can't shit on that defense. What defense saved that goddamn game for special teams? You know, but the bills, those of goddamn, I'm telling you right now, those divisional rivalry games, they're always close. I always would, I always, you know,

when I was a gambling man, back then when I had my mustache, my cowboy hat, I just drift into town. Huh? I'd sell my cattle, go right to the crap table, end up at the sport book. And I would always bet the fucking, I'd always take an division rivalry. I would always take the fucking underdog. I'd always take the fucking points. And you know what? If that fucking formula worked, I wouldn't be doing this podcast right now. Okay. So you can just take what I just said, and you could fucking wad it up and throw it in the fucking trash because you're not going to make any money off of that. But that was my system. That was my system. And then I had a thing. Drew Breese looks like he's about ready to cry. I mean, I should be in there.

Anyway, I know he's done. He's a 40-something. He looks like a little fucking Peyton Manning. He looks like one of the Manning's, doesn't he? Did you see earlier in this game, the Saints' game, they got another Manning coming? Now, I know that there's been some father-son combinations before. Has there ever been three generations in a row? This is what I want to know. What kind of women are these Manning's marrying? What kind of female studs? Because what happens, usually what happens, right, is you fucking, like Archie Manning comes along. He's a stud. He's a fucking quarterback, right? And then what happens is he meets some lady, right? And opposites usually attract. So you get, you get with some

klutzy chick. You think it's fucking funny. She has no idea who she is, who you are, right? Doesn't give a shit. God, I fucking dropped that. You fucking goddamn klutz. Anyway, you marry some, you know, you just think it's funny. She doesn't know who the fuck you are and any of that bullshit, right? And then you fall in love and you marry her, and then you're fucking banger. You have a baby. And then you got this half a klutz kid. You're like, ah, fuck. I should have married that manly chick down the street who liked me. I would have had a linebacker, right? And then your kid just doesn't make it, you know, and talent skips a generation and all that. But with the Manning's, this doesn't seem to be happening.

They just, they, they, their dad was a quarterback and then they, and then his kids come along and they, they might be, I would say better quarterbacks. I mean, it kind of helps when your dad's a professional quarterback, right? And then they go out there and they went two Super Bowls each. Not only does both of his kids make it to the fucking show, right? They went two Super Bowls each for fucking trophies. Got to keep their hands under the table at the Manning family Thanksgiving so they don't blind everybody while people are saying grace, you know, anybody without Super Bowl rings, please hold, please hold hands and they give Archie shit, right? Now they got another one coming along. It's incredible.

That's why it's unfair to make fun of fucking, well, life isn't fair, right? When people make fun of the fucking sons and daughters of people that, that accomplished some shit, you know, this is what you got to say if you wanted those kids. Yeah, you know, I guess it's not going to happen for me, but my dad did something on my mom did something, you know, you on the other hand, you come from a family tree of losers. Look at it. Everybody loses. At least we got a fucking win in the goddamn column. Are you going to step it up? Are you going to turn your family tree around, huh? With your fucking Game Boy, whatever the hell it is you're doing. Are those even in anymore? Are they Game Boys? Game Boy 11 is fucking, it's not as good as

the 10 fucking screen sucks. I have no idea what's going on in the world. Do you know, you know, I do this shit now when I do like the fight, talk about what's going on in the news. I literally open it up right before I fucking, you know, start recording the podcast like you can't tell, right? So there's this whole fucking shit about Trump. I thought he went to the Ukraine. And I'm like, all right, well, what's the problem with that? And then I guess he's not supposed to go there. And I was like, Ukraine, are those the guys that had the plutonium? Is that what you need for a nuclear weapon or something? I don't know what the fuck's going on. And somehow Rudy Giuliani comes back like a soap opera, like you thought they killed that character

off. And here he comes walking out. He made a couple of calls. I don't know. You know, it's be great is if Trump doesn't win this next election, and then you watch a Democrat get in there, and then you watch the Republicans attack this person for their entire fucking presidency. I just, I don't understand. I just don't understand what the, how the fuck this helps us. I think George Bush senior, I've said this, but if he was the last guy that could just kind of be president without people fucking with him from the other side, Clinton, oh, you got, you suck. You got your dick sucked and you lied about it. Yeah, I'm married. Let's fucking impeach him, right?

Bush, I don't know what the fuck his thing. He stole the election. Obama wasn't from here. Clinton's talking to the Russians. What are they going to say about the next guy? He went to Epstein Island. He was out there doing all kinds of crazy things. I'm so glad I didn't follow that fucking story. I was actually doing a gig and there was another comic there and he was fucking losing his mind going, no, it was in mainstream media flipping the fuck out. And I was like, I used to be that guy. I used to be that guy that thought if I read about some things and then I yelled about him, something was going to happen. And some did happen. I annoyed everybody that I was near. It's like, if that shit, what they're saying happened really happened

and you really want to go out and do something about it, the, the, like the level of power that you would have to have. And then I think at that point, you would have gone to the island at some point because you would have needed the fucking money or I don't know what happens. Something happens when you get to a certain level of power and you've eaten everything, you've drank everything and you fucked everything, you know, and there was nobody there to keep you in check. I think eventually you end up on an island just doing something fucking crazy. I think that that's what they do because they're, they're just bored shitless. You know, you know, like when, you know, I, you know, I respect you guys, right? So I don't want to talk down to you at all here.

Okay. I mean this in the nicest possible way. You know, when you go to Six Flags and there's not a long line, you know, that excitement you get fucking with it. But anyways, everybody knows that excitement when I go to the airport and there's nobody fucking there. I'm going to take a one o'clock flight and I get there and everybody's fucking gone. I did that level of excitement. You know, these people fly private. That's not enough for them. You know, you know, when you go to a farmer's market and they still got some fucking kimchi left over, whatever the fuck it is you're looking for, you know that that's, that's not enough for they have their own chefs. I'll tell you what is overrated, you know, because they always,

they always do those lifestyle of the rich and famous. He's got someone to come in there and scratch his ass, right? You know, like whenever they had like super rich people have like the fucking movie theater in their house, you know, that thing, I've been in three of those three houses where people had those, okay, two people in this business, one person not in this business. I've been in three of them so fucking overrated. You got this sick ass TV screen and then they fucking fill the room with those uncomfortable movie chairs. I mean, every time I go to the movies, I'm like, everything about this is great, except that fat fuck you in the fucking popcorn behind me and these fucking chairs stink. They have done a good job with like, you know, they've made sure

that no matter how fucking tall you are, that your head's not going to be in the way of the person behind you. I will, I will give you that. But like, at the end of the day, when you're at home, right, and you get yourself an adult beverage, when you're home, right, you just, you lay down on the couch, you watch a fucking movie. That's how you want to do it. You don't want to sit in a fucking seat. I mean, why don't you just make the floor sticky while you're at it and bite that fat fuck over to eat the fucking Reese's PCs behind me. Don't understand it. 100% stupid fucking overrated. I don't even know why I'm fucking talking about this shit. You know why? Because I'm a sad man, fucking doing an hour on a podcast by himself. All right, 23 minutes in. Is this when I fucking

make the call here to do a little bit of what do you call them advertisements? Give me advertisements. Who do you guys like tonight? Do you like the Saints? Hey, is there going to be a quarterback controversy up there in Buffalo? When mustache Matt came off the fucking thing? I was watching the game with four shot. He called them Matt Stascio. If he fucking crushes it and brings a Super Bowl victory to Buffalo, I think the Ben and Jerry's people given their own, his own flavor, and they call it Matt Stascio. There you go. All right, you calling it calling it early. You heard it here first. You know, I don't know Kevin Hart. Hang on a second. Let me

tape my old password here and get this fucking goddamn thing going here. Where the fuck is it? I have a peaceful green background on my... All right, where are we? Oh, Jesus. Did anybody watch the fucking Formula One race? Did you watch the fucking thing? I swear to God, fucking Ferrari. Every time I watch, I'm going to stop watching because I know they've won a couple of races this year, but when I don't watch, they win. When I watch, I don't know what they're doing. As I've said a million times before, there's nothing better than after the first term, if Lewis Hamilton isn't in first place, because then you're going to see some racing. You're going to see some sort of strategy and whatever. Okay, so the fucking the Russian GP, Grand Prix

starts, right? Donald Trump is there talking to everybody, making sure he's going to win the next election evidently. The first fucking turn with Claire and Sebastian Vettel. Vettel gets in first place. The Ferraris are in one and two. Mercedes are in three and four. Now, if it's the other way around, that fucking race is over. Ferrari never seems to get the... At least when I'm fucking watching. Somehow they fucked this thing up. Mercedes took some sort of risk with a different, softer compound. I don't know what the fuck it was, but it was the wrong goddamn tire. And I guess Vettel was supposed to get the fuck out of the way. So, Leclerc could be in first because he probably has more points. I haven't watched it this much this

year because every time I do this shit happens and all of a sudden he won't do it. Right? Acting like Lewis Hamilton. Like, I expect this behavior out of my teammate, but I will not do it when they need it for me. Right? So, he doesn't get out of the fucking way. So, nobody's able to open up a big fucking lead. I don't know. Then Ferrari's strategy, they went in first, they changed their fucking tires. Mercedes is still out there. Hamilton's now in first place with Botos behind him, but you know they got to come in. So, it seems to be like it's a good strategy and then fucking Vettel's car shits the fucking bed. Yellow flag comes out and then both Mercedes pit, they get brand new tires. And what I loved, what I fucking loved, it was when the race restarted

and Hamilton was in first, Botos is in second, Leclerc is in fucking, is that his name? I didn't even know what they did. Is that a fucking, a flyer? I can't even fucking remember. I got a kid now. Just as long as, some guy begins with an L, right? Leclerc, Leclerc, whatever, is fucking there. He was in third place and I just loved how these announcers were selling me this race. Like, I wasn't watching what was already gonna, there was another like, I don't know, 20 laps and I'm going to sit here and act like this Ferrari is going to get past Botos. Like, he's going to let that fucking happen and even if he does, he's going to catch Lewis Hamilton. All right. So I fired up the flat top grill, getting ready to make some dinner. I watched it,

I recorded it. So I was watching it later. I just kept walking in and I just said, yeah, just let me know if the red car goes by past that silver car and she goes, fine. I just kept walking in and every time I walked in, Lewis Hamilton had a little bit more of a victory. I mean, not a victory, a little bit more of a lead and Botos and maybe, you know, another half a second in front of the Ferrari and it was just like, and they just kept saying, he's got the fucking, he's within whatever they call it, the fucking wind shear. He's going to get a race. Not, he's not. It's over. I just kept walking in every lap, lap 43. It's over. It's over. Really? He's going to try. He took a look. He took a look.

It's over. The fucking race is over. It's fucking over. They just, they're just better. They're just better. That's all that is. They're just better. I guess maybe if I watched every fucking race, eventually I'd see Ferrari fucking not have a victory and then fuck the thing up, but it's getting a little old. All right. Legal zoom, everybody. Legal zoom. Had to believe. Summer is in your, is in the rear view mirror. Why is it hard to believe? But as vacation season wraps wraps up, you fall back into your normal routine. Here's an opportunity to get stuff done with legal zoom. I love all these companies act like adults

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been fucked up for like a year. I'm finally, I finally said, fuck it. I bit the bullet and I'm back into rehab, rehab and this goddamn thing. Cause I miss going to the gym. I miss lifting weights and, you know, I gotta be honest with you. I really feel like the gym needs me. You know, I mean, anybody can go in there as a young person, all shredded and doing whatever the fuck you're doing, taking pictures of yourself, selfies as you fucking squat and half the goddamn gym. Anybody can do that. Okay. But it, when you see a 51 year old bald redheaded male with a bad shoulder, hobble into the gym. Okay. Reach down to tie a sneaker and blow out a hammy.

Slowly drop to his knees, grimacing and pain, refusing help because he's from that generation. Under his own power, getting back to his feet, slowly shuffling back out of the gym, leaving his water bottle behind. I like to think that the younger people think, you know, if that guy could have brought his old ass to this gym to suffer that humiliation in front of that entire row of ellipticals. I can't get here six, four, four to six times a week. You know, I always felt that I inspired people when I went to the gym. You know, there's a certain, you know, there's a certain vibe that I bring to the gym that you just, you just can't coach it. You can't teach it. It's what I do. You know, most people have the inner ear buds. I don't,

I come walking in with the giant fucking bull bows, noise canceling, you know, like a gold-toed fucking white dude in first class. That's how I come in, you know, playing t-shirt, sweatpants, dressed like fucking Malcolm Young. If he did aerobics, right? Rest his soul. That's it. And all these fucking guys with their new fangled fucking exercises, right? I don't even do that. I'm from the generation that's right behind the generation that used to wear the fucking hoodie, and then they'd wrap the towel around their neck and then tuck the towel into their fucking, into their sweatshirt. Oh, this is an oldie, but a goodie. I told this on the podcast a long time ago, maybe fucking 10 years ago.

One time I was at a, I was living on the Upper East Side. I was living on the Upper East Side of fucking New York, right? And I was, New York Sports Club was the gym I was a member of, and this fucking guy came in. All right. That fucking generation, he had the fucking sweatshirt on with the towel around his neck tucked in, you know, into his neck, right? Then he had Larry Bird short shorts on. This is, this is like, this is like mid 2000s, where shit was still baggy and everything. He had the fucking Larry Bird short shorts on. He had his socks pulled up to his knees, old school looking sneakers like Tom McCann or some shit. And he had a headband on with the fucking white dude Afro looking like Ken Paterra. And he comes in and he was lifting weights

and every set he'd bring, he'd make this noise. He'd bring it, bring it down and then up and he'd go super loud. The whole gym looking over, but you were scared of the guy because he was like, fuck, I don't know what the, this guy was just, this guy would rip your arm off like a gorilla. He was going, yeah. And then the best part was on the last one, when he shouldn't have done one more rep when he was fortunate, forcing the last rep through, he'd go, yeah. So we're over at the fucking whatever the barbell rack, whatever you call it, dumbbell, kettlebells, whatever they are now, they were just fucking dumbbells back in the day. And this guy is on the other side of the gym going, yeah. And we're fucking crying, laughing, but there's mirrors

everywhere. So you got your head down because I don't want to fucking deal with this guy. This guy looks like he's one of these guys that an eight ball every night in the seventies and somehow lived to tell about it. I don't want to fuck with this guy for a fucking hour. It was one of the worst workouts I ever got other than my abs from laughing, but it was one of the, one of the probably the hardest I probably laughed that year. And it was that thing where you're connecting with strangers, just looking and just fucking closing your eyes, tears coming out. And then of course, dropping the weights, boom, boom, every fucking set. Love the guy. But anyway, I want to get back to the gym. I want to be that guy. I want to be a fucking spectacle.

You know, I do hate the gym is those fucking douches who spend a half hour stretching. You know, it's like, go, go take a fucking yoga class. Let's go. You see all these people waiting to stretch two places where you can never get a spot, the place where you stretch and then the bench, everybody fucking benches, you know, you don't want to stand in line, go to the squat rack. That right there, that's like fucking global entry to the gym. Go into the leg room. There's nobody in there. I think that's changing though, because when I, I was lifting earlier this year before I refucked up my shoulder, um, there were, there were a lot of people in there,

actually. They never used to be. And I was actually psyched because I ran out to somebody that I know. He goes, Hey, I saw you at the gym. I saw you like three times. I just, you always seem like you just fucking got your bows headset on. You don't want to talk to anybody. He goes, you do legs a lot. And I was psyched because I never do, I never did legs. I was fucking the ass. My shoulders are fucked up. I didn't do any back fucking work. All you did was bench press, curl. You did tries and then you did whatever those fucking things on either side of your neck are your trapezi. That's all you do, which I guess goes down your back, but you just worked. If you just wanted to have no neck, that's what you wanted.

You wanted a big chest, fucking biceps, big arms. That's all you did. And I never did my back. So everything got all fucking was all strong on the front and my back was just like mush. So I don't know, whatever the fuck that did. Now I got bad shoulders. So there's one for you, everybody. Make sure you do your squats. Make sure you do equal on both sides so you're not imbalanced. All right, is it time to read you guys letters for the week? Oh, hey, look at that. It's fucking 39 minutes and just like that. Oh, here we go. I get to play my jingle here. How you guys liking this? Come on, play the fucking song. Play the fucking song. Somebody else. All right, here we go. What do we got here? What do we got here?

Thank you. I have to tell you, as a toxic white male, I never hear this. Oh, Jesus Christ. He just sacked the shit out of that guy. And I was doing some sort of cobra dance or something. At least that was worthy of a celebration. I tweeted the other night when I was watching the beginning of that Green Bay fucking, the fuck did they play? Tolerious, because they won the game. Eagles, right? I tweeted how I'd seen nine touchdown celebrations in the score was still zero to zero. I know I always come up like a crabby old man and I know I am one, but I watched Nebraska fucking the greatest weekend ever. By the way, if you can't tell what I watched, I watched Nebraska fucking Ohio State. Ohio State's up like 48 to fucking three.

They run a sweep and this guy stops it on Nebraska stops him for no gain. And he stands up and has the fucking nerve to do the matumbo like waving the index finger. Like, ah, you don't run that shit over here. Oh, yeah, they scored all those 48 points on the other side of the fucking field. You got my 45 points. He gets up, he's fucking wagging the finger because you know what he's with these kids? God damn kids today. This is what the segment's called. Let me tell you some of these kids today. They're playing for Instagram because they know someday when that highlights shown, nobody's going to say what the fucking score was. Somebody might leave it in the comments, but who reads comments? Huh? Nobody. If you're smart, if you want to have a good day, you don't

read comments, right? Unless you're some fucking hot, hotty fucking Instagram whore, right? With your underwear up your ass, then you probably read your comments all the time, you know? Think it's a bunch of young guys, but it's really people my age. Um, all right. Anyways, plough ahead here. Um, thank you. Somebody writes, I wrote a long email about how much I love the new special and all your old specials. Then it sounded kind of gay. So I deleted it. Thanks for the comedy, pushing down the feeling to be a man. I do that all the time. You know, I'll write somebody something really nice. I said,

that feels too mushy. I can't do that. And then I just, you know, hey, way to go there. Fuck. Oh, that's what it ends up becoming. You know, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because guys can punch other guys in the face and you just get worried that if you show weakness, then that means that you're going to be the one that gets jumped on. Maybe that's what it is. I think women can be nice because they live in the world of, I'm just going to be mean to you. And, and not saying that's, that's not as bad. It's probably fucking worse on a lot of levels, but I don't know. I don't know what the fuck it is, but I refuse to think that it's because

they're more evolved. If they were more evolved, they would not be watching the Real Housewives and fucking buying 9,000 pairs of shoes. I just think they're, they're maybe more involved in that area. You know what the deal is. Everybody's afraid of a fucking upset woman. No one wants to upset a fucking woman. So what you do, what in the fuck is that goddamn movie with that creepy fucking kid in the swing? Huh? Jesus Christ. Anyways, by the way, is the mustache back in football? Everybody's got a mustache, you know, and I don't think it's any coincidence that, you know, I had a mustache this past summer right before training camp started. All these pro football players saw it. They're like, wow, look at that. Jesus.

That guy's a trendsetter, right? They all waited right till I shaved mine off and they came in and they stole my fucking glory. All right, I'm going to shut up here. Yeah, nobody, there's nothing in the world. Nobody, nobody, nobody wants to deal with an upset woman. Even a dictator doesn't, okay? That's why they kill them because, you know, they have the option, right? But in a way, him killing her shows you how much he doesn't want to deal with that shit. The second, the second they get upset, you're just, you're immediately caving, you're immediately negotiating, okay? I don't, I don't need, I, you know, I don't need to have fun today. All right, cancel culture karma. Oh, alliteration. Hey there, Billy. Not sure if you

heard about this, but have a great story of karma I wanted to share. A popular story over the past week. I love when you guys tell me popular stories here because I don't pay attention to a lot of this shit. Then I would love to say it's because I like to read rather than watch TV, but that's not the truth. Okay, a popular story over the past week or so was about SignGuy, S-I-G-N. What else could have been? It's the only sign I know, right? I don't know why I just spelled that out. That was weird. About SignGuy, who is a student from Iowa State. He had a sign on national television saying he needed money to restock his bush light supply. Okay, with his Venmo account at the bottom of the sign, money came pouring in,

over a million dollars. That's fucking great. Anizah Bush comes in with sponsorship and donations and well, and he decided to donate it to a children's hospital there in Iowa. What a fucking great guy. Finally, a great story that everyone can be happy with, right? Nope. Leave it to some asshole reporter to dig up some racist tweet this kid had from when he was 16 years old. Nothing like ruining a college kid's life for no reason. Yeah, what the fuck? It seems like he's grown a lot as a person. You know, we're still drinking like a fish, but you know, anyways, but the story takes a great turn. Guess who also had their tweets dug up and

also had racist tweets? The reporter who dug up the tweets on SignGuy. I think that that's the only way to combat these people, right? So you know what they're all going to do now? They're all going to scrub their past. And I think if you scrub your past, you should be put into question. Or what really should happen is we shouldn't fucking listen to these fucking idiots who are going back to be like, let's check out this human being to find out if they've ever made a mistake. Perfect example of how fucked up this cancel culture is. Can't judge someone on one mistake they made as a kid. We've all made mistakes. Gotta look at the body of work of the person. Hope this one can make everyone's day that listens to the podcast. Paper Tiger was

great. By the way, thank you so much. Go bills. And of course, go have consensual relations with yourself. Yeah, that's awesome. I think it's about time that these fucking all of these groups of people that are out here just ruining people's fucking lives, you know, under the guise that they're fucking it's a career move at this point to be the person that finds, you know, I love how to that they scroll back by 40,000 fucking tweets, right? Just, you know, ignoring, you know, how many tweets did you have to look at before you before you found something fucking bad? I've said this forever in my act. If all of your fucking text messages were made public, could all of your texts right were made public. Could anybody go to work on Monday? Everybody would lose a job. So

just stop it. Okay. Everybody has their fucking issues. Everybody has shit that they're working through. Some people work on themselves. Other people don't. And when you don't, you pay the fucking price for it. You don't need some fucking douche. You know, I don't think that's a good reason to go out and go fucking fire somebody or something. Because now what? Now you don't have a fucking job and now we all have to fucking pay for your unemployment. Or when you go on welfare. I don't know. All right, simple and clear on the pending economic crash. That's actually a great story because it really shows you how complex people are, you know, and how much you can grow throughout life if you choose to not saying that kid did or didn't. But I'm just saying like, I'm

not going to fucking sit there and judge that person like, Oh, you wrote that. That means you're a bad person. I actually have to get to know you as a person first. And that's one to grow on. All right, simple and clear on the pending economic crash. All right, dear Billy Montlid, I don't know what this is, BULLOX, modeled BULLOX. Jesus fucking Christ, listen to this bloke and check out the US debt thing he mentions. I don't want to see this. Matt Kaiser thinks Deutsche Bank will be the first domino to topple. The one of the kids are losing their fucking minds. Peace, love and go fuck yourself from a London geezer marooned in New Zealand. Wondering what the fuck to tell my kids, you got to laugh. What cunts we are humans. All

right. Yeah, I do not. I don't need to be informed on this fucking issue. I don't even want to fucking know. Let me let me guess. It's a giant Ponzi scheme. And when the shit hits the fan, they're all going to go to fucking Epstein Island. Well, we all fight it out. Is that what's going to happen? And then they're going to blame red and blue ties. Is that what's going to happen? Yeah, well, meanwhile, let's let's do something. Did you guys do anything positive today? Wherever you're from? Have you helped out a fellow countryman? Did you? I didn't. I didn't help anybody up yet this week. I got to help somebody up. I think that's a big thing. I think you should try to like fucking pick a fucking project, something that's bugging you. These kids that are addicted to drugs,

homeless people, global warming is something everybody should work on. Did I tell you what I tried to look into fucking solar panels to my house? This fucking guy, I think that's like 30 to 50 grand. And I'm like, there's no way that's true. I go 30 to 50 grand. I go, what do you save a year? He goes, yeah, a couple thousand a year. I'm like, do you have like money in oil companies? I want to switch to solar panels. And my next car, I don't know. I think maybe you'll be electric. I don't know. I just figured like that is going to be my way of combating fucking the evil doers and all of this fucking shit that we're talking because if we really wanted to combat these fucking people, you got to bankrupt them. Okay. And their funding comes through all the fucking

oil that we use. So if we stop using the oil, I mean, the Middle East is like a fucking donut shop. They sell donuts. Okay. People stop eating donuts. That's it. You're out of business. You're massively fucking compromised if we cut down our fucking donut eating over here. So I'd like to do my goddamn part. And there's no fucking way. Dude, this is how much the oil companies own the politicians. You know, back in the day, if you had solar panels, any excess power that you didn't fucking use, the electric company would buy it off you or something. And now not only do they not pay for it, they just get it. They just take it from you. And it's just like nobody is this is nobody is doing anything to help out regular people. So

as regular people, okay, we all we got to start looking out for each other. Am I out of my fucking mind? You know, because they're just not doing it. They've looked the other way while they fucking polluted all the water. They poisoned the food supply. They got us addicted to fucking drugs. They fucking squandered all the money. They keep us in wars. They try to get it out. No, now we're going to go after fucking Iran with what money, what money are we going to do this with? I don't know. I don't understand how it works. But I do know this, nobody gives a fuck at that level. So I think it would really freak them out if we actually just started helping each other instead of yelling at each other, like that that whole thing has to to like stop.

I think if I can get preachy here, that has to stop canceling people has to stop all of this fucking shit. Like, there's got to be some sort of, you know, middle ground, we can all meet. But I think we have to go back to, you know, when you go over somebody's house, or you go, how about when we yak when you go on the internet, you go old school, when you went over somebody's house, you didn't bring up politics, you didn't bring up religion, you didn't bring up shit that was going to cause a fucking fight. Everybody fucking relaxed. You had a good time. Everybody knew what their drink was. You played some cards. It was fucking fine. Right? I think we should go back to that. At least my my romanticizing of the past. All right, daughter's tricycle.

All right. Oh, by the way, I got the fucking I got it all fucking greased up there. You know, I guess if I was going to fight terrorism, I should have fucking not used any oil or anything. My daughter's tricycle. Hey, Bill, I'm sure you know about these already. But just in case you don't, you got to get your daughter a balance bike to go with the tricycle tricycles are the shit because we all had them as kids, but they don't do shit towards helping a kid get ready for a real bike. That's not true. That's not true. It teaches them how to pedal and it teaches them how to steer. Now all they have to do is learn how to balance. And then when you stick them on a fucking bike, they have training wheels. So now it's just a bigger bike. They're also lower to

the ground. So if they fall, you know, which is really difficult, you know, it's not a fucking problem. All right, a balanced bike will help your daughter understand the balancing necessary on a two wheel bike without the complexity of peddling. If you want your kid to be a badass and to be on two wheels sooner than later, a balanced bike is the key. Check it out. I'm cool with my kids development, you know, I don't am I trying to beat some kid in fucking China? What are the fuck I'm supposed to be doing? All right, I've seen those countries and I've seen those kids where you push your kids too far. They're fucking miserable. Oh, yeah, we got we already have something like that.

We already got something like that. She didn't get it, you know what, and she fell down and she hurt herself. So now she's on the fucking tricycle. I appreciate it. Why a balanced bike is the best bike for your toddler from the people who want to sell you a balanced bike? I don't know. I wrote a tricycle when I was a kid and I eventually wrote a bicycle and had no fucking problem. All right. All right, righteous, but I appreciate that. I think we already have a balanced bike. Somebody bought the balance bike first. All right, righteous problems. Righteous problems, dude, from Canada with love. Yo, Billy Maple Leaf love paper tiger. Thank you so much. And please keep spreading the word out there. So people know that it's out

there because I figured this first wave is all you guys. And from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much seriously for watching the thing. The response has been absolutely ridiculous. And I'm having so much fun putting together this new hour, which I'm going to test out here the next couple of weekends. And I got a huge year next year of touring around. And I mean, it's the greatest fucking job ever. And you guys watching my special, the way you did and telling people about it and tweeting about it and all of that shit means I get to continue living my dream, right? So what? I can't go out and help somebody who really needs help, some homeless fucking person build all Billy, all Billy, uh,

cunt face is going to be Billy former cunt face. I must stop being such a fucking curmudgeon. And, um, I don't know, I'm going to try to fucking do something positive. You know, if this is the end, are we going to really end it by screaming and yelling each other the whole way out when we have a fucking have a good time? All right. Um, yo, Billy Maple Leaf, uh, love paper tiger. Love the bit about male feminists. We have true dough. As you know, I don't know that I'm an American. I love the fact that you fucking thought that I knew that you're also an American. We're North Americans. I'm from the United States. I'm a merkin. And if you follow the news, you know, he got busted for blackface. I vaguely remember

this. That seems to be a ridiculous reoccurring story. Like I got to be honest with you. I grew up in one of the whitest fucking places ever. I never saw anybody in blackface. I don't know what, what the fuck this is, but it is, it is a problem. They asked how many times he'd done it and he couldn't answer the question. They have pictures of him doing it at least two or three times. He did it in college in 2001. Oh, give us a fuck. He was in college. Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, that's 2001. Think about who you were back then and who you are now. I don't understand. He was always touting himself as his progressive douchebag. All right. All right. Now he's out. Okay. You're right to go back all the while pandering to whatever the American

celebrity left things. You know what? American celebrity deserves that because they won't shut the fuck up about their fucking political goddamn fucking opinions. And all they do is strengthen the other side. They learned nothing, nothing in the last election. Anyway, he's a phony. There's a lot of conservatives in Canada, probably for the reason that we're very spread out. The same thing that happened in your country. I'm a middle of the road guy and a lot of stuff, but that makes me an American Nazi. I don't know what that means. You should know my country. I have no idea. Trudeau grew up a rich kid and has no connection to real people other than when he's ladling soup in front of a camera. How do these people who don't represent us keep talking the

loudest? Well, because it's all based on money. But here's the thing. You can go out yourself, you know, and you can help get some maple syrup out of the tree for a homeless Canadian, whatever the hell it is, when you're not up there fucking bringing a stand up comedian to court, suing him over a fucking joke and allowing the guy, the other, the fucking person in the crowd to win. I don't know. But I will tell you this, I am over the whole liberal conservative fucking argument and all of that shit. They're all whores. They all work for the same fucking people. What I'm saying is not new information. If you don't have your head up your ass, you'll know that that's true. The candles getting a little short on the wick there. We're running out of

time here. So I really think, you know, and it also feels good to actually go out and do something for somebody that you really, you know, anything go down to a fucking, yeah, soup kitchen and fucking ladle out some fucking slop for somebody anything you can do just something. You know, there's a vacant lot that's polluted. We can't go out like there was something funny about picking up pollution and sticking it in a bag. And it's just like, yes, now, you know, it's going to go, it's still going to end up outside somewhere, right? Because we can't see it. It's not pollution. Stick this in the ocean where it belongs. All right, underrated, underrated here.

Learning to call a girl a psycho when it's the appropriate time. Oh, that is true. That is true. If they're acting like a psycho and you know, or no, you can't, you usually, you can't do it while it's happening because they're in psycho mode. It's afterwards when they calm down and you're quiet and haven't taken the bait. That's when they get nervous and they go, do you hate me? Can we like talk right now? And then when you just don't look at them and be like, the only thing I'm going to tell you is, I don't know how much more of this psychotic behavior I can take. You fucking comment at them with that. They know. They know that it's time for them to

go back to the drawing board and start a whole new game of manipulation all over again. Anyways, he said, I took some shit when I was younger from girlfriends, albeit nice girls. They had some crazy tendencies. I was dating a girl a month ago and she pulled some crazy shit out of nowhere. Young me would have made the, an excuse for her or brushed it off. This time I just froze and looked at her the way a girl would look at a sloppy guy making a fool of himself with a beer funnel at a tailgate. She froze and looked back at me. She showed weakness. Dude, I'm telling you right now and you're not wrong doing this is their game. What you just did for the first time ever, you've been running around the arena. You just went in and now

you're playing the game. You got into mission control. Anyways, she showed weakness. She had to because of my perfectly executed look. I broke through, but then she goes, what? Yeah, this is her regrouping all defiant like as if I didn't just win that round. So I just said, you sound like a psycho. I didn't call her back for a day or two. And then when I responded to her texts, I told her we weren't the right fit. She asked why and I said, because I'm interested in total happiness. Oh, I'm sorry. Hang on a second. I have to give that a standing ovation. There you go, buddy. There you go. You saw it, didn't you? You saw what your, can you imagine being legally bound to that, making something that half looked like that fucking lunatic,

that that thing is going to absolutely love to death. So we'll never understand your point of view. All right. Good for you. And that, that should, you should be into total happiness. You should go meet somebody. I guess they know nobody ever makes you totally happy. You know what I mean? It should be easy. It should be easy. Oh, God, that's, that's fucking great. That is fucking great. Can, can you, oh my God, I wish he had the follow up text. All right. YouTube video of the week. Bill, I hope you like this. All right. I usually, I should watch these fucking things. Let me hit pause on the goddamn thing here. Hang on a second. Hang on. Oh, it's 30. Oh, no, let's do this. The advertisement. Oh, shut up. Nobody cares.

Nobody cares. All right. Hang on. Okay. I'm like, this is a 10 minute video. I am a minute into this thing. This is fucking sick. All right. I'm all over this. I love this shit. It's making incredible music. I will, I will repost this. YouTube video of the week. I think you'll like this. Yes, I do. It is. I hope I say the names right. You, you set days X alpha mist. I don't know if that's one person's name, two people's names. I don't know. Love is the message live at Abbey Road featuring men, Sir Brown and Rocco Paladino. My God. I just listened to the first fucking minute of that. I was blown away. All right. So look at that. There is something positive. There's positive things in the world.

Let's go positive everybody. Let's help each other out. Let's all get 30 to $50,000 fucking solar panels, man. So we can save $1,200 a fucking year. All right. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves in a positive way. And I will, I'll check in on you on, on Thursday. I'm having a good time. I don't want this to fucking end. Who's who's playing Monday night football? What up? What up with it? All right. How much is direct TV gonna charge me for that one? The fucking cunts Monday night football. Hey, how great is it that NFL pratt times back? I can't figure out where to watch it. ESPN plus boomers back Tom Jackson. I don't know why they ever got rid of it. Monday night football. Let's see. Who do they got?

Who do they got? 49ers this week, the Cincinnati, the O and three Cincinnati Bengals versus the O and three Pittsburgh Steelers. Somebody's got to win. Somebody's got to win. All right. I'll be watching that. The old AFC central. I don't know what they're called now. I have no fucking idea. All right. That is the podcast. Okay. You guys have yourself a wonderful couple of days. Look at that. That's positive. I didn't tell you to go fuck yourselves. All right. Have a wonderful couple of days while you go fuck yourselves. There you go. That's little middle ground. Okay.